How Will I Know When I Have Found the Perfect Spouse for Me?
And Other Questions About Marriage
Brought to You by Blessed Magazine
Table of Contents How Will I Know When I Have Found the Perfect Spouse for Me?
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Why is Finding True Love So Difficult?
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What Should I Be Looking For In a Husband?
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What Should I Be Looking For In a Wife?
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Are We Supposed To Be Actively Looking For a Spouse?
Page 25
How Can I Heal From The Hurt of a Broken Relationship?
Page 29
Credits
Page 35
How Will I Know When I Have Found the Perfect Spouse for Me? The Bible does not address how to find the "perfect spouse," nor does it get as specific as we might like on the matter of finding the right marriage partner. The one thing God's Word does explicitly tell us is to make sure that we do not marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). First Corinthians 7:39 reminds us that, while we are free to marry, we should only marry those who are acceptable to God"in other words, Christians. Beyond this, the Bible is silent about how to know we are marrying the "right" person. So why doesn't God spell out for us what we should look for in a mate? Why do we not have more specifics about such an important issue? The truth is that the Bible is so clear on what a Christian is and how we are to act that specifics are not necessary. Christians are supposed to be likeminded about important issues, and if two Christians are committed to their marriage and to obeying Christ, they already possess the necessary ingredients for success. However, because our society is inundated with many professing Christians, it How Will I Know When I Have Found the Perfect Spouse For Me? - Page 7
would be wise to use discernment before devoting oneself to the lifelong commitment of marriage. Once a prospective mate's priorities are identified "if he or she is truly committed to Christ-likeness― then the specifics are easier to identify and deal with. First, we should make sure that we are ready to marry. We must have enough maturity to look beyond the here and now and be able to commit ourselves to joining with this one person for the rest of our lives. We must also recognize that marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Before marrying, a couple should study the roles and duties of a husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22-31; 1 Corinthians 7:116; Colossians 3:18-19; Titus 2:1-5; 1 Peter 3:1-7). A couple should make sure they know each other for a sufficient amount of time before discussing marriage. They should watch how the other person reacts to different situations, how he behaves around his family and friends, and what kind of people she spends time with. A person's behavior is greatly influenced by those he keeps company with (1 Corinthians 15:33). They should agree on issues such as morality, finances, values, children, church attendance and involvement, relationships with in-laws, and employment. These are
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areas of potential conflict in marriage and should be carefully considered beforehand. Finally, any couple considering marriage should first go to premarital counseling with their pastor or another trained Christian counselor. Here they will learn valuable tools for building their marriage on a foundation of faith in Christ, and they will also learn how to deal with inevitable conflicts. After all these criteria have been met, the couple is ready to prayerfully decide if they desire to be joined together in marriage. If we are earnestly seeking the will of God, He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
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Why is Finding True Love So Difficult? We all have a desire to love and be loved. We experience different levels of love from parents, siblings, friends, and others. But most of us also want to find that special someone we can share a deeper level of love with. Finding true love can seem incredibly difficult, and it’s often hard to understand why. A big question to consider first is, ―what is my definition of true love?‖ Understanding what we mean by ―true love‖ can help us see what we’re really seeking and why or why not it’s working. The world tosses around the word love very loosely. Love is often associated with intense feelings that, in truth, are self-centered and noncommittal. In so many movies and TV shows, we see characters who follow their hormones and have sex before marriage. When ―love‖ is shallowly rooted in pleasant emotions or physical feelings, it turns off as easily as it was turned on. Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience good emotions toward the person we love; however, if that is the foundation of the relationship, the relationship is Why is Finding True Love So Difficult? - Page 11
in trouble. If the kind of ―love‖ we see demonstrated in today’s sexsaturated culture is what we’re looking for, no wonder it seems difficult to find; it’s not true love we’re after but an experience that, by nature, can’t last for long. The Bible gives a much different picture of love. True love is of God— in fact, He is love (1 John 4:8)—and He’s the One who put the need to love and be loved in us. Therefore, understanding His design for love is crucial. True love, according to the Bible, is rooted in sacrifice, commitment, and an impulse to benefit the loved one (see John 15:3). God’s love for us took Him to the cross. We know for certain that Jesus was not experiencing ―happy‖ emotions on His way to the cross (Luke 22:42–44). The Bible describes our relationship to Jesus as that of a bride and bridegroom (Matthew 9:15; Ephesians 5:32). True romantic love is designed to lead to and grow within a marriage commitment (Genesis 2:24) and should be rooted in sacrifice (Ephesians 5:22, 25–28).
Any number of things could make finding true love, according to God’s design, difficult. Here we will focus on a few big obstacles that we face:
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Thinking there is only one “right” person for us. This is a lie that can keep us fearful that we’re settling for less than the best. Waiting for one’s perfect ―soul mate‖ to show up can be a long wait. Whomever we choose to marry becomes the ―right‖ one for us, because we’ve made a lifetime commitment to that person. The Bible has narrowed the field: our true love must be a believer who is living for the Lord (2 Corinthians 6:14–15); beyond that, God will provide wisdom and discernment (James 1:5). Wise, godly people who know us well can also provide guidance in finding true love. Thinking that a person will or can fulfill us. Only God can truly fulfill us, so we don’t have to find romantic love to have a sense of fulfillment! None of us are perfect, and to expect another imperfect human being to meet every need is unrealistic, unhealthy, and can only lead to disappointment.
Thinking it’s too late to find true love. Finding true love and getting married is an important step and not to be taken lightly. A cautious step is better than a quick and reckless Why is Finding True Love So Difficult? - Page 13
one. Three times, the Song of Solomon warns, ―Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires‖ (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). God’s timing is always best. We know that God cares about our desire to find true love. When we fully surrender that desire to Him, we release the burden of trying to make true love happen ourselves (Matthew 11:29–30). Love is an essential quality of God, and He shows us in the Bible how real, true love works. Redefining love or trying to find it outside of God’s design is asking for frustration and disillusionment. Surrendering our desires to God, submitting to His will, and finding our fulfillment in Him are the keys to finding true love. ―Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart‖ (Psalm 37:4). Not being willing to change or grow. It’s easy to imagine the kind of person we would love to be in love with, but how much effort do we expend in becoming that kind of person ourselves? We all have our own issues that we must address with God’s help in order to be the kind of people He desires us to be. It can be tempting to think that finding true love will magically solve those issues. But being in a close
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relationship with someone will not fix our problems; it is more likely to expose them more. This can be a rewarding part of the relationship, as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), if we are willing to change and grow. If we’re unwilling to change, the relationship will be strained and could eventually be destroyed. This does not mean that every personal issue must be dealt with before we get married. Rather, we should get into the practice of asking God to show us what things need to be cleaned out of our lives (Psalm 139:23). As we become the people God wants us to be, we will be better suited for whatever relationships are in store.
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What Should I Be Looking For In a Husband? When a Christian woman is looking for a husband, she should seek a man "after God's own heart" (Acts 13:22). The most important relationship that any of us have is our personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. That relationship comes before all others. If our vertical relationship with the Lord is as it should be, then our horizontal relationships will reflect that reality. Therefore, a potential husband should be a man who has his focus upon walking in obedience to God's Word and who seeks to live so that his life brings glory to God (1 Corinthians 10:31). What are some other qualities to look for? The apostle Paul gives us the qualities we should look for in a husband in 1 Timothy chapter 3. In this passage are the qualifications for a leader in the church body. However, these qualities should grace the lives of any man who walks "after God's heart." The qualities can be paraphrased as follows: a man should be patient and controlled in his demeanor, not filled with pride but of sober mental attitude, able to master his emotions, given What Should I Be Looking For In a Husband? - Page 17
to graciousness to others, able to patiently teach, not given to drunkenness or uncontrolled use of any of God's gifts, not prone to violence, not overly focused upon the details of life but focused upon God, not apt to be a hot-head or be thin-skinned so that he takes offense easily, and grateful for what God has given, rather than envious of what gifts others have received.
The above qualities describe a man who is actively engaged in the process of becoming a mature believer. That is the type of man a woman should look for as a potential husband. Yes, physical attraction, similar interests, complementary strengths and weaknesses, and the desire for children are things to consider. These things, though, must be secondary to the spiritual qualities a woman should look for in a man. A man you can trust, respect, and follow in the path of godliness is of far greater value than a man of good looks, fame, power, or money. Finally, when "looking" for a husband, we must be surrendered to God's will in our lives. Every woman wants to find her "prince charming," but the reality is that she will probably marry a man with as many flaws as she has. Then, by God's grace, they will spend the rest
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of their lives together learning how to be a partner to, and servant of, each other. We must enter into the second most-important relationship of our lives (marriage), not under an emotional cloud, but with eyes wide open. Our most important relationship, with our Lord and Savior, has to be the focus of our lives.
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What Should I Be Looking For In a Wife? The most important personal relationship that a man can have, outside of his spiritual relationship with God through the Lord Jesus Christ, is his relationship with his wife. In the process of looking for a wife, the highest principle is to look for a woman with a personal faith in Jesus Christ. The Apostle Paul tells us not to be "unequally yoked" with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). Unless a man and woman are in full agreement on this most crucial issue, a godly and fulfilling marriage cannot take place. However, marrying a fellow believer does not guarantee the full experience of being "equally yoked." The fact that a woman is a Christian does not mean she is necessarily a good match for you spiritually. Does she have the same spiritual goals as you? Does she have the same doctrinal beliefs? Does she have the same passion for God? The qualities of a potential wife are crucially important. Far too many men marry for emotional or physical attraction alone, and that can be a recipe for failure. What Should I Be Looking For In a Wife? - Page 21
What are some godly qualities a man can look for in a wife? Scripture gives us some principles we can use to create a picture of a godly woman. She should first be surrendered in her own spiritual relationship with the Lord. The apostle Paul tells the wife that she is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-24). If a woman is not surrendered to the Lord, she will not likely see submission to her husband as necessary to her own spiritual wellbeing. We cannot fulfill the expectations of anyone else without first allowing God to fill us with Himself. A woman with God at the center of her life is a good candidate for a wife. Paul also gives some character traits for a woman in his instructions about leaders in the church. "In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything" (1 Timothy 3:11). In other words, this is a woman who is not overly proud, knows when to speak and when to be silent, and is able to take her place beside her husband in confidence. She is a woman whose first focus is upon her relationship with the Lord and her own spiritual growth. The responsibilities of marriage are greater for the husband, for
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God's order places him as the head of his wife and his family. This headship is modeled after the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). It is a relationship grounded in love. Just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it, the husband is to love his wife as he does his own body. Therefore, a man's personal spiritual relationship with the Lord is of supreme importance in the success of his marriage and his family. Willing sacrifice and the strength to choose to be a servant to the betterment of his marriage are the marks of a maturing spiritual man who honors God. Wisely choosing a wife based upon biblical qualities is important, but of equal importance is a man's own ongoing spiritual growth and his surrender to God's will in his life. A man who is seeking to be the man God wants him to be will be able to help his wife be the woman God desires her to be and will be able to build the marriage into the union God, he, and his wife desire it to be.
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Are We Supposed To Be Actively Looking For a Spouse? At the risk of sounding noncommittal, the answer to both questions is ―yes.‖ There is an important balance between the two. We are not to frantically search for a spouse as if everything depends solely on our effort. Neither should we be entirely passive, assuming that someday God will cause a spouse to knock on the door, ring in hand, ready to recite the vows.
When the time came for Isaac to take a wife, he took action (rather, his parents did, according to cultural norms): they sent a servant to actively seek a wife (Genesis 24). The servant had certain qualities that he was seeking, and he bathed the process in prayer (verses 1214). The Lord answered the prayer, and Isaac and Rebekah were married (verse 67). As Christians, once we know that it is time to start looking for a spouse, we should begin the process with prayer. Committing ourselves to God’s will for our lives is the first step. ―Delight yourself in Are We Supposed To Be Actively Looking For a Spouse? - Page 25
the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart‖ (Psalm 37:4). Delighting in the Lord means we find pleasure in knowing Him and trusting that He will delight us in return. He will put His desires into our hearts. In the context of seeking a spouse, that means desiring for ourselves the type of spouse He desires for us and who He knows will delight us further. Proverbs 3:6 tells us, ―In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.‖ Acknowledging Him in the search for a spouse means submitting to His sovereign will. Whatever He decides is best is what we want. We should also be clear on the biblical characteristics of a godly husband or wife, and we should seek someone who qualifies on a spiritual level. It is important to understand these qualities first and then seek someone who possesses those qualities. To ―fall in love‖ with someone and then discover he or she is not spiritually qualified to be our mate is to invite heartache and put ourselves in a very difficult position.
Once we know what the Bible says we should be looking for, we can begin actively looking for a spouse, trusting that God will bring him or her into our lives in His perfect timing. If we pray, God will lead us to
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the person He has for us. It is important to wait on the Lord and trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5). Some people cite a verse in 1 Corinthians 7 that seems to say that we should never look for a spouse. Verse 27 says, ―Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.‖ This seems fairly straightforward, but the context provides additional, important information. In verse 26 Paul says, ―Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are.‖ That is, in the time of persecution that the early church experienced, Paul said it was better not to make big plans, such as scheduling a wedding. Persecution hits a married couple harder, and it is even worse if there are also children involved. Paul repeats the sentiment in verse 29: ―Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.‖ In the same context, Paul says, ―If you do marry, you have not sinned‖ (verse 28). So, seeking a marriage partner is not wrong. Of course, it is not advisable to look for a spouse if God’s will does not include marriage. Sometimes God calls people not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). There are people who ―because of the kingdom of heaven‖ have renounced marriage. Jesus says, ―The one who can accept this should accept it‖ (Matthew 19:12). In those situations, God makes it clear that that is His will. Are We Supposed To Be Actively Looking For a Spouse? - Page 27
How Can I Heal From The Hurt of a Broken Relationship? The world is full of people with broken hearts, broken spirits, and broken relationships. The pain of a broken relationship includes a very real sense of personal loss, not unlike bereavement. Sometimes the hurt is so great it prevents people from functioning properly and, in extreme cases, can result in mental breakdown or even a desire to commit suicide. The world puts forward various ways to assuage the pain: taking antidepressants, writing an angry letter and tearing it up, going on a shopping spree, getting a makeover, etc. Some advocate the power of positive thinking. The most common ―cure‖ is time. While the intensity of a heartbreak may wane over time, only a child of God can experience complete recovery because only the Christian has access to the power of the Spirit of God, the One who ―heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds‖ (Psalm 147:3). Jesus understands the pain of rejection. ―He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him‖ (John 1:11, ESV). Jesus was betrayed by one of His closest associates (John 6:71; cf. Psalm 41:9). How Can I Heal From The Hurt of a Broken Relationship? - Page 29
As we deal with the pain of a broken relationship, we must take our burdens to the Lord (1 Peter 5:7). He weeps with those who weep (John 11:35), and He is able to ―empathize with our weaknesses‖ (Hebrews 4:15). A broken relationship can be the source of many negative emotions. Christians understand the futility of allowing their emotions to guide them. Jesus Christ has blessed us with every spiritual blessing and has made us accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:3, 6). This acceptance transcends all feelings of rejection we may have because it is not based on ―hope so‖ but on ―know so.‖ We know that God has accepted us because God’s Word tells us so, and as we appropriate this truth by faith, it changes our hearts and lives. Everyone experiences the hurt of a broken relationship at one time or another. We are bound to be hurt and disappointed, for we live in a fallen world. What we choose to do with that hurt and disappointment can make us stronger in our walk with the Lord. God promises to walk through the disappointments in life with us (Hebrews 13:5), and He wants us to know His provision for us is sure. His grace and comfort are ours as we rest in Him.
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Every born-again child of God has blessings in Christ, but we have to choose to utilize them. Living in constant gloom and dejection over a broken relationship is like having a million dollars in the bank and living like a pauper because we never make a withdrawal. It is also true that we cannot use what we do not know. Therefore, every believer should seek to ―grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord‖ (2 Peter 3:18) and to be ―transformed by the renewing of [his] mind‖ (Romans 12:2). We must face life armed with a real understanding of what it means to walk by faith. As believers we are not defined by past failures, disappointment, or the rejection of others. We are defined by our relationship with God. We are His children, born again to newness of life, endowed with every spiritual blessing, and accepted in Christ Jesus. We have the faith that overcomes the world (1 John 5:4). God has prepared for each of us unique opportunities to walk through the ―all things‖ of this life. We can either walk in our own strength and what the apostle Paul calls our ―flesh,‖ or we can walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is our choice. God has provided us with armor, but it is up to us to wear it (Ephesians 6:11–18).
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We may suffer disappointment in this life, but we are children of the King, and the rejection we experience is a momentary bump in the road to glory. We can allow that bump to derail us, or we can claim the heritage of a child of God and move forward in His grace. Like Paul, we can be ―forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead‖ (Philippians 3:13).
Forgiveness of others is important to the healing process. Holding on to bitterness or nursing a grudge only poisons our own spirit. Yes, we may have been truly wronged, and, yes, the pain is real, but there is freedom in forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we can give because it was given to us by the Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:32). What a comfort to know the God who said, ―Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you‖ (Hebrews 13:5). God is always near to comfort the believer. ―Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles‖ (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). God, who cannot lie, has promised to go through our trials with us: ―When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk
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through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze‖ (Isaiah 43:2). ―Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken‖ (Psalm 55:22). In reality, feelings come from thoughts, so, to change how we feel, we should change how we think. And this is what God wants us to do. In Philippians 2:5, Christians are told, ―Have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.‖ In Philippians 4:8, Christians are told to think on things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy. Colossians 3:2 says to ―set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.‖ As we do this, our feelings of rejection diminish. Overcoming the hurt of a broken relationship requires taking one day at a time, praying for God’s guidance, and reading and meditating on God’s Word. The healing can never come from our own efforts; it comes only from the Lord. It helps to take our eyes off ourselves and focus on God instead. He can make us whole. He can take our brokenness and make us into what He wants us to be. A broken relationship is painful, but the Lord is gracious. He can give our lives meaning, purpose, and joy. Jesus said, ―Whoever comes to me I will never drive away‖ (John 6:37). Our Lord’s relationship with His children is one that will never be broken.
Credits
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Credits - Page 35