THE PARTIES OVER EPISODE 1: IDIOTS IN PARIS BY LUIS SANCHEZ
99 LANGBROOK ROAD LONDON SE3 8RA Home number luissanchezproductions@googlemail.com Opening title sequence
FADE TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. MORNING. 3 men in their mid thirties wearing suits BRENDON, CRAIG and DANIEL are sitting on a big oval shaped table in a small well furnished conference room with a balding man in his mid 60s called JACOB who’s also wearing a suit. The room looks like of those modern rooms you see in ad agency buildings. There are loads of biscuits on the table and they have coffees by next to them except Brendon. JACOB That’s why you should always keep your pubic hair separate from you nob. BRENDON I wish I never brought it up. JACOB I can rarely bring it up these days. DANIEL The new I phones got an app for that. Brendon sighs. JACOB Fucking youths with you fucking technology. A pager that’s all you need. CRAIG They’re streamlining again. JACOB I hate this fucking new management. CRAIG Yeah they need to make way for new jobs cause of this diversity initiative they’re goanna implement. CLOSE UP on Brendon’s worried face. INT.
ASSEMBLY HALL. MORNING
SID (35) is on a stage in an assembly hall casually dressed giving an over energised speech to a room full of sixth formers who are; laughing and responding well to him. He is wearing tracksuit bottoms and a Nike jumper. Credits appear along the bottom of the screen. SID I would describe getting a job like an acid trip. It all seems very exciting, there are loads of bright lights and new people all smiling at you, but sooner or later you’re
goanna be having a heated discussion with a snake in a suit. Students laugh. SID It’s both a big world and a small world. That doesn’t make it a medium world though don’t make that mistake. Students laugh. SID What I mean is that there are lots of jobs out there and lots of different qualifications and courses but there are 7 billion people in this world. That makes an overly competitive job market. You need to stand out. Look to your left and then to your right. Know this now your best friend is also your worst enemy, because you’re all competiting against each other in this world. You need to get any edge over your competitors that is possible. Lucky for you happen to be sitting next to your worst enemy so it makes it easier. Students laugh. SID You can stab him with those knifes you all have. So anyway, your goanna have to work hard and put everything into getting your dream job because there are at least 5 people going after that job. And what’s worst they have knifes. Students laugh. SID Sometimes you might not know what that dream job is. Those people need to realize quick and set about achieving that dream. INT.
CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY
Brendan is in the conference room bored still sitting with Jacob, Craig and Daniel as they have a heated discussion about radiators. SID (V.O) (CONT’D) However some of you might know what that dream job is but just don’t know how to go about achieving that dream and end up taking a qualification that is absolutely useless for what you want to do. Like someone who wants to make films studying a Media and communications degree instead of film production degree. And
you end up on a job ladder you don’t want to be on. Or worse you study at a subject that gives you now pussy action what so ever, like chemistry! Students laugh INT. THE FLAT. DAY Brendan is at home on the sofa watching TV. He’s reading a book about film directors. The flat is one of those posh flats with laminated flooring. It’s reasonably tidy. FRED is sitting in an armchair next to Fred playing guitar badly. SID (V.O) (CONT’D) Some of you might know what your dream is. But you might not been any good at the skills required to achieve that dream. Whether that be academic or otherwise. You might just not be good enough. INT. SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT DESK. DAY Fred is at sitting bored at a checkout desk in a supermarket limply scanning items. INT. CAFE. DAY JADE an attractive (31) year old waitress in a posh upmarket cafe is taking a couple’s orders while very stressed and annoyed. SID (V.O) Some of you might end up in a job you hate because you might have felt too eager to grow up. You had so much fun you threw away your opportunities. You might have gotten pregnant too young and not have the opportunity to chase your dreams anymore. However if that does seem appealing to any of you see me after the show. Students laugh. SID (V.O) Preferably women but a few of you lads I wouldn’t say no to. INT.
SCIENCE LAB. DAY
Sid is sitting alone in a science lab dressed up in all the gear doing an experiment while bored. SID (V.O.) Some of you might know what your dream job is and you might work hard night after sleepless bloody night to achieve that dream that you told everyone you wanted to achieve and that
your parents have paid for you to achieve. And you might achieve that dream. But you then might get bored of that dream and realise you now want to do something else. The experiment Sid has just done results in the creation of some pills, which he takes. SID (V.0) And you might refuse to tell people or even tell your self. INT. ASSEMBLLY HALL. DAY My point is, quiet big, but that’s a discussion for another time. Maybe after I’ve given this motivational speech. Students laugh. SID (fake cough) Ladies. But what I’m saying to you today is that choose your A level’s, degree’s, universities or whatever very carefully. Because there is nothing worse stuck working at something every day, which you don’t actually really want. I mean could be worse. You might not even have a job.
CUT TO: INT.
SCHOOL CORRIDOR. DAY
Sid is walking down an empty school corridor with the headmaster. HEADMASETR Well a career like that would require a different degree and therefore different A levels. All together that would take maybe five years. If you stay on to do the masters course maybe six? To be honest I would stick to your current career. SID (Says in a depressed tone) Yeah. HEADMASETR If you did still want change your career maybe do something that requires less intelligence I mean qualifications. CUT TO:
INT. CAFE. DAY Brendon and Fred are sitting down in a grotty little café sipping coffee. Brendon is depressed. BRENDON You get two different types of coffee shop. There are the Cafe’s and the Caffs. Jade walks by them. JADE What’s this then? FRED A lav. Jade walks off smiling. FRED Still can’t talk to jade then. BRENDAN No I can’t. She’s just too perfect. She’s like a goddess. She’s so intelligent and witty. I’ve never met someone with such a great philosophy on life. She’s no bullshit. She has all the qualities that the human race lacks. And she’s also got a smashing pair of knockers too. FRED Yeah I might think of asking her out. BRENDAN You wouldn’t would you? FRED Of course not. I’m only joking. I would never do something like that to a mate. BRENDEN Lads before slags. FRED Lads before slags. Sid walks in and sits down. SID Evening all. BRENDEN It’s midday. SID Not in Australia mate.
BRENDEN So you been doing that career speech thing at one of those schools today then. SID I’ve been inflaming young minds and helping carve out a brighter tomorrow so they can one day have better lives and we can one day have a better world. FRED You get off with any off them. SID It’s not a question of whether I get off with them. Jade walks by again. JADE It’s a question of whether he gets on them. Jade walks off again as they laugh. BRENDAN Motivational speaking. What’s the point? SID Because it helps to young people to have more self confidence and to have more awareness of what opportunities there are out there for them. FRED Exactly. I think jobs for yobs is a brilliant organisation. SID Thank you Fred mi good philistine. So Brendan what you annoyed about today, work or jade. Is it your job or the fact you can’t get a job. BRENDON Both really. I don’t want to go in for work with for those twats. FRED But he wants to go in her with her tw…. BRENDAN (Interrupts) Yes. That’s the general idea. Now can we talk about something that isn’t about Jade or the new fucking I phones? FRED
Didn’t get Glastonbury tickets again. I redialled for nearly 2 hours but I couldn’t get through due to over activity on the line. SID Not like it used to be Glastonbury. I remember when I played there… FRED What you on about. SID I did Glastonbury Fred. It was when I was in the boomtown rats, I’m sure I told you that before. BREDAN I hope that there’s a massacre in Glastonbury and the emergency services don’t arrive due to over activity on the line. Sid gets up and walks to the toilet. BRENDAN My point before was that you there are these cafes where all these perfect people are. You see them don’t you. The ones in suits with the deep voices. They’re always quoting lines from films or telling you interesting facts to make them selves look good. They always make sure there are biscuits in meetings but no cakes, they’re always holding a cup of coffee with one hand in their pocket and they’ve always just come back from some fancy part of Europe with their girl friend or wife. They have no sense of humour what so ever. They take the moral high ground on everything. FRED Every sentence they come out with is either said to make you look stupid or to make them look clever. BRENDEN Yes exactly. They constantly speak in this advertising speak. Going on about audiences and shit. The ones who hold their IPhones like they’re caring for an amputated midget. Fred gasps in shock. BRENDEN Sorry dwarf. Well these are the exact people I work with very day. It drives me nuts I have to work with them and drink coffee with them. Then there’s this prick called Jacob. Who’s 60 and is always right about everything. All the fucking
time. FRED Well, cheer up. BRENDEN Piss off. I hate it when people say that. Cheer up. Like I’m just meant to be happy for no reason. I’m just meant to make myself happy. FRED That’s what you did with that magazine last night. Jade walks by stops and there’s an awkward silence. She then walks off again. BRENDEN It depresses me when people tell me to cheer up. My pens keep going kissing as well. FRED Oh well. BRENDAN The worst of all is this evil, scummy Nazi like twat who has the power to rape your self esteem and rip your heart out. FRED Who’s that then? INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Jacob, Craig, Daniel and Brendan are all still sitting in the same place. CRAIG Couldn’t get Glastonbury tickets this year. DANEIL I was on the phone for over an hour. The operator kept saying they couldn’t take my call due to over activity on the line. JACOB Holding a phone near your face for length of time isn’t good for you I’m telling you. BRENDON Let’s hope that there’s a massacre at Glastonbury and the emergency services don’t take any of calls due to over activity on the line.
They all look at BRENDAN in disgust. Their boss Tony (55) who also speaks in a deep voice and is also wearing a suit tells comes into the room and drops a file down on a desk. TONY Right now shut your fucking faces. For you next assignment. You have to come up with the name and branding for the new ford transit van. There will be people here from Ford to see the results in two days. BRENDEN Two days. TONY (Angry) Yes. Is that too short for you? I bet you don’t like it when people complain to you about things being too short, do you. Don’t you ever piss me off Brendan! Ever! Or I’ll piss on you! Now get the fuck back to work bitch! CUT TO: INT. THE FLAT. AFTERNOON Sid is sitting on a sofa on the phone. SID How much. 22,000 to enrol on the course. My god. Brendan walks in and sits down on the sofa opposite Sid’s. Sid then puts down the phone and goes back to his upbeat persona. SID How was your day then, my fine philistine? BRENDEN Terrible. We’ve, no sorry I’ve got to come up with an idea for a new ad campaign in two days. We even have to name the product. Worst of all I’m working with these fucking new age liberal media twats. Brendan turns on the TV to Top gear. SID Clarkson. BRENDAN Not this fucking twat. Why couldn’t this ignorant twat have the fucking road accident instead? Or also. Fred comes in and sits down in his arm chair.
SID Alright Fred. FRED Yeah. You know how I’m always trying to experiment with new musical styles. BRENDEN Oh yeah your boomtown rats funk song. Give us the funking money was funking genius. FRED Well on the way here I saw a sign saying rap competition next Friday. And thought I that’s something I’ve not tried yet. Now can I play you what I have so far? Fred picks up his guitar and starts strumming. FRED (Rapping) My name is Fred, I don’t work with the feds, I don’t have toast but I still get bread. So what do you think? BRENDEN Fred if you were the first human to contract aids. The rest of world would probably be alright. SID I liked it. It reminds when I used to be part of westcoast rap scene. CUT TO: INT.
CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY
Jacob, Brendan, Craig and Daniel are sitting around the same table and Daniel is standing by the clip board adding the ideas to the storyboard. Craig and Daniel have their I phones out in front of them with a cup of coffee in hand. DANIEL I like the slogan, not as slow as you might think. BRENDAN (says jokingly) Yeah, but that might be offensive to retards. CRAIG That’s actually a bit offensive. BRENDAN
It’s meant to be a joke. JACOB You’ve got a sick mind. BRENDEN Anyway, I don’t think we should use speed as a selling point because speed’s not what people would look for in a van is it. CRAIG Yes, but we need to attract young people don’t we. BRENDEN That’s not in the brief. DANIEL That’s what advertising’s about isn’t it. There was a line in that Michael Moore film where he said… JACOB I think we should name it after an animal. That’s all the big car companies used to do. DANIEL Yeah. Like the panda. CRAIG Exactly. Now what I was thinking was the ford dragon. BRENDEN Why a dragon. CRAIG Because dragons represent strength and perseverance. Wasn’t in that the who Celts once believed … BRENDEN (interrupts) It doesn’t matter they’re Scottish they were all off their heads anyway. They all look at Brendan in disgust. DANIEL I like it. And on the poster we could have the van with lots of fire and smoke coming from it. CRAIG Yeah plays with the themes of majesty and longevity, the smoke suggests.
BRENDEN It breaks down a lot. That’s what smoke suggests. CUT TO: INT. THE FLAT. DAY Fred is playing fuck the police by NWA on guitar while Sid is reading a university booklet. FRED (Rapping) Funk the police, coming straight from the underground, the sirens don’t even make, a sound. (Stops rapping) Yeah that’s good. Sid. Sid Sid. Sid looks up from his university booklet. FRED What are you reading? SID Nothing mi old philistine. Sid puts it away. FRED Sid, listen to this. SID Fred are you still writing that rap song. FRED I’m trying to mate but it’s bloody hard. SID Could I help you write it? FRED Yeah, sure. SID Great. We could be world famous rappers going to clubs and parties get pissed out of our minds and not having to remember any equations or spend time getting copper sulphate outta your shoes. I can get to number one in this this life as well as when I was John Lennon. FRED Yeah. We could be the new Mobb Deep. SID How do you write a rap song then?
FRED I’ve got no idea. CUT TO: INT. RECCEPTION ROOM. DAY Brendan is at the water cooler getting a cup of water. He overhears a conversation between his boss tony and an ad executive are having not to far away from him. They can’t see him as they have their backs turned to him. TONY Don’t you think he’s been doing a really shit job recently. AD EXECUTIVE I don’t even think he should have got the job in the first place. TONY I don’t think Brendan’s got either the good enough track record or long enough experience for this job. AD EXECUTIVE Yeah. If he does that badly on this one he should be fired. TONY I tell you, if he does as badly as he has been doing Brendan will be. Tony and the advertising executive leave and Brendan looks scared out of his mind. CUT TO: INT. CAFE. DAY Fred and Sid are sitting on the sofas in the cafe listening to their IPods. They are sitting there like conesures analyzing rap music like it’s a piece of classical music. They then take their headphones off and converse with each other. FRED Right so what have you learned about rap music. SID Well there’s a lot of swearing. FRED Fuck Yeah. SID
Rap fans seem to love swearing so we need to include that. They also like gardening don’t they. FRED Yeah they’re always talking about grass. SID They also seem to like any material that degrades or objectifies women. They’re not too keen on the gays though. FRED They also like being told they’re goanna be shot at and that we’re goanna sleep with their girlfriends. SID Yeah. I don’t know how they ever build a fan base. FRED No me neither. You also have to always be talking about going to parties, having money and sleeping with women. But they are also always talking about coming from poverty, living on the streets and having a troubled home life. SID So how do these rappers get into rap then, because you can’t rap about having money and easy life if you have no money and have a troubled life? FRED I have no idea mate. Now we’re on that I’ve noticed that they always talk about coming from the street and having a troubled home life, not having a father present and that. Well I don’t really know what I’m goanna do really, because I didn’t come from the street, and I never really had a troubled home life. SID (Says inspirationally) You’re just goanna have to work hard. You weren’t born with the advantages other people have been born with. Some people are not lucky enough to have a troubled background or come from poverty. You just have to work hard and never give up on you’re dream. FRED Thanks mate. What about you then. Did you come from the street.
SID Naugh, I’m alright I came from the road. That was far worst than the street; there were cars on it, FRED Yeah but you always had a father figure present. SID Yeah but I didn’t get a superman figure present did I fuck. I got a fucking chemistry set. These rappers might have come from the hood but I tell you I came from the hat. That’s much worst. Jade comes over and stands there, Brendan walks in. JADE Alright Brendan. BRENDEN (says nervously) Yeah I’m fine. Jade walks off and Brendan walks to Fred and Sid and sits down. FRED Alright. How’s your day been? BRENDEN Don’t ask. SID (Looks at Fred angrily) But you did, didn’t you. BRENDEN Terrible. I think I might get fired. FRED But you hate your job. BRENDEN Yes, I do. Advertising is everything that is bad with this world. It’s existence in video form completely prostitutes the art of filmmaking and corrupts the whole medium of television for which it belongs to. It infects art of filmmaking with this commercialised cancer that is killing all pop culture. (Slight pause) But the pay’s good. SID
Yeah that’s tragic. Now another thing I’ve noticed about rap. FRED How do you know you’re goanna get fired. BRENDEN Cause I overheard my boss talking about it at the water cooler. SID Yeah. Now there is also some certain terminology we must get right. BRENDEN Maybe I should get him a plant. SID Terrible idea mate. Look what happened at Watergate. BRENDAN No I mean like a flower plant thing. Those corporate people always love those. Brendan gets up and leaves. SID Right, now then we need to know some vital terminology. FRED Right. SID Ok, if someone is your friend he’s your boy or dog. Or your what was it homoies. FRED Yeah but that’s the plural. SID So If there’s just one of them they would be a homo. FRED Yeah I think so. They also call people they like dogs as well. SID That’s right mi corgi. FRED A gun is a gat. And a girl is either a bitch or a hoe or a sucker. And you have to smack them or cheat on them every now an again.
SID Say that again homie. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY. DAY Sid walks up to Tony’s office carrying a massive oversized plant. He opens the unlocked office door. INT. TONY’S OFFICE. DAY He puts the plant down on his desk and attaches a tag which says from Sid. He is about to leave when he sees a nice pen on Tony’s desk. SID Hmmmm, nice pen. He then leaves the office. CUT TO: INT. THE FLAT. DAY Fred is sitting on the sofa playing guitar while Sid’s rapping to the beat. SID Get my gat and kill your cat. I’m not even get any cream as I emerge from the scene. Just maybe a magazine. Fred stops playing guitar. FRED No there’s just something missing. SID Well we’re doing all the right stuff. We’re talking about how great we are, we’re talking about violence and drugs, and we stabbed that boy wearing a hooded jumper on the way home. FRED Yeah. It’s just got something missing. SID Is it because I’m white? FRED A bit. But I think more the fact we just don’t seem like rappers. Because the lifestyles they’re always talking about are very extreme. Either extreme bad or extremely good. And our
lives are quiet mild really. SID Yeah. Let’s just say we have lots of money. FRED But we don’t wanna be fake. SID Yeah, good point. We could write about not having money and how it makes us wanna use gats to put a cap in a brother’s ass. FRED But we also don’t wanna be haters. SID No, definitely not. Sid looks up at the ceiling he thinks briefly. FRED We need rapping names. SID What do you mean? FRED All these rappers have alter ego names don’t they? SID I alter ego name. FRED What’s that then? SID Sid. FRED But that’s your actual name. SID No my actual name is Tim but I changed it to Sid. I was probably 16, I legally changed my name to Fred and then got new bank details and a new birth certificate to say I was Sid. So that everybody thought that I was this person called Sid so I have therefore invented a separate identity for my self. FRED Why Sid. SID
Well it just sounds more exotic doesn’t it. FRED But you are Sid that is your identity. It isn’t really an alterego. You literally are Sid. That is your name legally and that’s what everyone knows you as. SID Yeah. Well genetically it isn’t my name. So you know. Science mate. FRED We need to talk about drugs more. If you were John Lennon in a past life then you should have a lot to say about it. SID I know enough about it in this life mate. FRED What. SID Don’t worry. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Brendan is sitting down looking scared and depressed while Craig and Daniel are sitting around talking while drinking fancy coffees in mid conversation. Jacob is listening. CRAIG So how was your trip to Paris with Monique? JACOB Lovely city. The receptionist answers on the intercom while she’s in mid conversation. She then answers Daniel. REPESIONIST Hello you buzzed. CRAIG Could you send up some more biscuits? RECEPTIONIST Ok, right away. DANIEL Thank you. BRENDEN
Can we get back to work please? CUT TO: INT. THE FLAT. DAY Fred is playing guitar and Sid is rapping to the beat. SID We take cocaine, we take Ketinmien and speed, and we take every kind pill except vitamins and birdseed. FRED You sure we won’t we get arrested if we keep talking about all of this? SID No, no other rappers gets arrested do they? FRED Except Tupac. SID Well he was a skinhead wasn’t he? FRED Yeah. Right so, how do we rhyme Yoko Ono with dope. SID Yoko Ono used to be my hoe but her last painting just wasn’t dope. FRED Yeah that’ll do. Right back to the 1st verse we got more LSD than McCartney and we got more petrol than a Ferrari. What do we need with petrol? SID You can never have too much petrol. FRED But isn’t it dangerous too be storing petrol inside. SID Yeah good point. We don’t wanna send a bad message to the kids. FRED And as well know if you hear someone do something on a record or on TV you will instantly do the same thing.
SID Yes obviously. FRED You’re powerless not to. SID Microwaves evaporate will power. It’s science mate. Say we got more LSD than McCartney and more bitches and hoes than Ringo. Hold on let me write this down. Where’s that pen I nicked off Brendon. FRED Never write things down. Big and Jay Z never wrote things down. SID Yeah but last time I did that we ended up making this song about a walrus. FRED If biggie taught us anything it’s not to write things down. SID Biggie’s over ratted. FRED Don’t knock Notorious Big mate. SID Sorry. They pause for 5 seconds as Fred tunes his guitar. SID He’s an easy target. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Brendan is sitting in the conference room bored and depressed while Daniel is at the clip board adding Jacob and Craig’s ideas to the brainstorm. JACOB The fly. DANIEL Like it, like it. BRENDON Why are we still stuck on the animal names?
CRAIG fly suggests it’s cool doesn’t it as it’s commonly used as slang for. BRENDEN (Interrupts) But again being cool isn’t really what people look for in a van. EDDIE Yes but we want to attract the youth. CRAIG How about the fox. DANIEL Like it. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Brendan is sitting looking depressed in the conference room with Eddie, Craig and Daniel who is standing at the clipboard adding the names to the clipboard. CRAIG The frog. DANIEL Good, good. JACOB What about something fast again? Like the Jaguar. BRENDAN There already is a whole car manufacturer with that exact name. DANIEL What. BRENDEN It’s called jaguar. DANIEL Oh yeah. JACOB I like the jaguar theme though. CRAIG Yeah. You could call it the pouncer. DANIEL
I like that. CRAIG Yeah that’s good. I think that’ll really target the reformist. Brendan (Interrupts) I’m sorry is it just me who sees something inappropriate about calling a white van, the pouncer. CRAIG Well have you got any better ideas. Brendan looks exposed as he tries to think of ideas. CUT TO: INT. THE FLAT. DAY Fred is still in his arm chair and Sid is on his sofa. They miming the hand movements of the rappers on the music videos they are watching on TV. Brendan comes in stressed and sits down on his sofa. BRENDEN Oh, not still doing the rapping are you. FRED Yes we are. BRENDEN Why aren’t you at work at Sid? SID Because I’m ill bitch. BRENDEN I’ve got to come with this ad campaign for this ford van before 1 O’clock tomorrow. Brendan changes the channel to top gear. BRENDEN Oh for god sake not top gear. SID Clarkson. BRENDEN Why do you like him? He’s just a sexist idiot. SID He’s not sexist he’s always going on about women.
Brendan changes the channel again. FRED Right from the top. Fred and Sid get out a lyrics sheet and the start rapping. BRENDEN That’s my pen. SID Is this world nothing belongs to anyone? Everything is the property of destiny. I like this political edge we’ve given to it, I think it’ll be really commercial. FRED So we’ve got. Don’t vote for the labour party, don’t vote for the Tory party, don’t lib Dem party just vote for the gangster party. We’ll draft a manifesto that we answer your demands just throw up your god dam hands. BRENDEN There’s already a well known rap song called gangster party. SID Fuck right. Ok lets come back to that. My query was that they seem to call their friends dogs and they call women dogs yet they hate women. Surely if you hate someone you wouldn’t have sex with them. Unless when they say I’ll fuck your bitch they’re actually how do they say it dissing her. FRED Yeah but fuck is a good thing. SID So surely they’d fuck their dogs not their bitches. FRED Yeah, we also need to make more cultural references. SID What. FRED We don’t do it enough. Most good rappers have at least one every too or three lines. Like in the bit when you say I’m hot like a curry. You could say I won’t burn your tongue don’t worry.
I’ll serve you like Andy Murray. SID Yeah I like that. FRED And we don’t talk about cars enough do we. SID Well they always use the same car a Mercedes Benz. FRED That’s because it’s hard to rhyme stuff with any other car. SID Ok so when he i say I serve your hoe like Andy Murray. I could say and it will be Uncle Benz and then we ride in a Benz. Can I rhyme the same word twice? FRED Yeah that’s fine and you’re giving serve to meanings which people always like and I do think we need to look more like rappers. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Brendan is standing up at the front of the conference room holding the remote control clicking device while standing next to a power point presentation on that is projected onto a big white projection canvas. He is pitching to the two representatives from Ford, the ad executive from earlier and Tony who are all sitting down facing them. Daniel, Eddie and Craig are standing next to Brendan. BRENDEN We aim to bring the ford transit van to a younger audience by utilizing the method of product placement in rap songs, which we believe is a forum for advertising that has gone largely unnoticed by most car companies. So I announce the lunch of the. He clicks onto the next slide, which shows the poster for the ford transit biatch. BRENDEN Ford transit biatch. He then clicks to another slide, which shows the ford transit motherfucker. BRENDEN
Or the ford transit motherfucker. The two ford representatives sit there looking shocked. Daniel takes the remote control out of Brendan’s hand and pushes Brendan out of the way. He clicks onto the next slide which shows the same ford transit van with the title ‘the pouncer’. DANIEL A slightly better idea we came up with was calling it the ford transit pouncer. REPRESENTATIVE I like it. REPRESENTATIVE Yeah. It suggests speed like a jaguar. I think we’ve seen enough we’ll go ahead with this one. BRENDEN But don’t you think it’s in appropriate calling a white van the pouncer. TONY Why. BRENDEN Because of that prejudice that white van drivers kill prostitutes. REPRESENTATIVE 1 No that’s lorry drivers. REPRESENTATIVE 2 You watch too much Top Gear mate. Tony and the ad executive shake the representative’s hands and then the representatives leave. Tony and the ad executive grab their coats their posh raincoats from behind their seats and proceed to put them on and do up the buttons while talking to each other. TONY Went well didn’t it. AD EXECUTIVE Yeah. So why did you fire Jeffery then. TONY Found out he went in my room without my permission. AD EXECUTIVE Well you did give him the key. TONY Yeah but he was stealing from me.
AD EXECUTIVE How did you discover that? TONY The £1000 pen my great great grandfather passed down to me wasn’t there this morning. AD EXECUTIVE Fuck. That twat had to go. So how’s your hay fever. TONY Terrible. I tell you i will kill who ever put that plant in my office, when I found out it is. I just can’t get close enough to the bloody thing without sneezing to reading the tag. AD EXECUTIVE Watching the Liverpool game tonight. TONY Yeah that if that Brendan Rogers doesn’t manage this team better tonight, I tell you he will be fired. They start to leave. AD EXECUTIVE Yeah. The Americans won’t put up with anymore of these results. CUT TO: INT. BIG KITCHEN. DAY Sid and Fred are standing at a cooker in a cooking competition. SID I think it was the wrong type of rap competition. FRED Yeah. CUT TO: INT. CAFE. NIGHT Brendan, Fred and Sid are sitting down in the coffee shop in the same seats as before. BRENDEN Turns out he was talking about the Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. SID
Well that was a fucking tedious story. I hope you don’t waste anyone else’s time telling that story. PAUSE. SID Bread. BRENDAN Stop calling me that. SID Bread when you see a sign saying rap competition written on a sandwich board outside a café you’d think of sandwiches wouldn’t you. BRENDAN Yeah probably. Sid gives Fred a piercing look. BRENDAN Fucking diversity initiative. I’ve got no pens left now. SID Well Bread, cheer up. Brendan gives Sid a piercing look. CUT TO: INT. ASSEMBLY HALL. DAY Sid is on stage giving a speech to the same sixth formers, wearing the same cloths casual clothes as before. SID You should always look into things. Cause you could be get stuck in a position that you don’t want to be in and can’t easily get out of, without going through extreme pain. So that’s why you always keep your pubic hair away from you penis. Now I said I’ll answer questions at the end not answer questions about my end? STUDNETS LAUGH. SID Anyway I just want to say that life is like a road we all have to go down and if you don’t stop to look at directions or let a woman drive, you could end up miles from the place you really want to go. And you can never go back to the start of the road or get off the
road you will always be moving you just move in that right direction. So always into things and think about what you’re because you could waste your life doing you don’t wanna do.
need to look doing some
INT. SCIENECE LAB. DAY Sid is still bored working on another experiment. SID V.O. (CONT’D) Sometimes your train of thought might change or sometimes parents I mean other people do your thinking for you. INT. CAFE. DAY Jade is bored serving coffee. SID (V.O.) Maybe you didn’t think about the future consequences of your actions. Maybe you never listened to people’s warnings. INT. SUPERMARKET CHECK OUT DESK. DAY Fred is bored at the supermarket checkout desk scanning items. SID (V.O.) Or just never questioned whether your aspirations were actually too aspirational. Or saw rap competition written on a sandwich board outside a café and didn’t think this may be a sandwich competition. And therefore waste you and your handsome friends fucking time because you don’t think about what you were doing. It was like that fucking mystery tour business. Students laugh. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Brendan is sitting bored in the conference room while Craig, Jacob and Daniel are working more on ideas for the ford transit pouncer. SID (V.O.) Sometimes not thinking results in you looking like an absolute tit. INT. ASSEMBLY HALL. DAY Wider shot to reveal Fred dressed up in rap attire with a basketball vest, shorts and a hoodie standing at a turntable trying to look cool. Sid takes of his jumper to reveal a jay z style shirt to match his tracksuit bottoms.
SID Anyway enough of me talking let’s have some so called music. You young people might as well give us some feedback. You’d know about this kind of thing. Fred starts playing the tune and Sid puts on a baseball cap and a gold chain he kept in a bag by the mic stand. He takes the mic off the mic stand and starts rapping. SID Yo don’t moan don’t worry because we hot like a curry. We’ll fuck you’re ass like Andy Murray. And we’ll fry some uncle Benz and put you in a Benz or a ford transit biatch and you could be my biatch. We could drive this road and never start again drink coffee in a bar that is in no way reminiscent of friends. We could drink Champaign again and again just as long as we’re not driving. Because I’ve got a comfortable income enough for us to ball, buy a ford mutherfucker but not keep the petrol. FRED AND SID So lets fuck dogs my homo. So lets fuck dogs my homo. So lets fuck dogs my homo. Closing credits The closing credits appear over a freeze frame of Fred and Sid.