UNHEALTH AND SAFE
LUIS SANCHEZ luissanchezproductions@googlemail.com 07572409454 UNHEALTH AND SAFE
VOICE OVER:
In the year two thousand, five hundred and twenty five health and safety has continued to be of paramount importance as every possibility of an accident is pre planned in advance. In fact if you get stabbed to death in the street you’ll receive a fine for leaving your blood as a trip hazard.
INSPECTOR 2:
This is an absolute disgrace.
INSPECTOR 1:
This is absolutely dreadful.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
What seems to be the problem?
INSPECTOR 2:
You have incurred so many health safety violations you out to be arrested for being part of the Third Reich.
RESTAURANT OWNER:
What violations have I committed then?
INSPECTOR 1:
Well this is a massive fire hazard.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
What the cookers.
INSPECTOR 1:
Yes the cookers.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
But this is a restaurant.
INSPECTOR 2: RESTAURANT: OWNER INSPECTOR 1:
Does this produce fire yes or no. But how are we meant to cook. Look we’re just doing our jobs. Don’t get aggressive with us.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
Sorry. What other violations are there.
INSPECTOR 2:
Well the fridge has to go for a start.
RESTAURANT: OWNER INSPECTOR 1:
Why. Well say a droid or a small Cyborg walks in there and the fridge is open and a small droid or Cyborg gets trapped in there. 1
UNHEALTH AND SAFE
LUIS SANCHEZ luissanchezproductions@googlemail.com 07572409454 UNHEALTH AND SAFE
INSPECTOR 2:
Then there’s these sharp objects here, they need to go.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
What the knives and forks.
INSPECTOR 2:
Yeah and the spoons.
INSPECTOR 1:
The table and chairs have to go as well.
RESTAURANT: OWNER INSPECTOR 1:
Why. What if an angry body builder or Cyclops came in here and started chucking them around.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
Would it help if we bolted them down.
INSPECTOR 2:
Are you stupid mate. Say there was a fire. Or some galactic cowboys walked in and needed the space for an impromptu square dance. Everyone would be bumping into the tables and chairs. Also you can’t have glass or plates in case they smash them and the pieces get stuck in the floor and they decide to dance with bare feet.
INSPECTOR 1:
The sink that will also have to go.
RESTERAUNT: OWNER
Why.
INSPECTOR 1:
A little thing known as condensation. Say the hot water hits this cold surface. There’s gonna be steam in the air and that will mean people will crash into things if they can’t see where they’re going.
INSPECTOR 2:
Same goes for the fire extinguisher.
INSPECTOR 1:
This counter has to be removed. An assassin can easily hide beneath here. The check book as well can easily give someone a paper cut also, that’ll have to go.
INSPECTOR 2:
The doors they could hit someone in the face if they’re opened to fast or someone’s penis could be trapped in there if an orgy breaks out. So they’ll need to be removed.
INSPECTOR 1:
I bet the toilets aren’t even Darlek assessable. 2
UNHEALTH AND SAFE
LUIS SANCHEZ luissanchezproductions@googlemail.com 07572409454 UNHEALTH AND SAFE
INSPECTOR 2:
Those windows need to be boarded up too.
RESTERAUNT: OWNER
Why.
INSPECTOR 2:
Well say something shocking happens outside like a murder or a flasher walks by and someone in here with a heart condition sees it.
INSPECTOR 1:
Or if a gust of wind comes in and knocks something over or shuts a door.
INSPECTOR 2:
See that’s how droids get trapped in fridges and cupboards.
INSPECTOR 1:
Look mate this isn’t the worst place we seen all week. I mean on Tuesday we were in this place which had ice everywhere people with exposed blades moving about the place.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
It wasn’t an ice rink by any chance.
INSPECTOR 2:
Also you need to take these lights out as well. These could easily cause someone to go blind if they are forced at gun point to stare at them during a hostage situation.
RESTAURANT: OWNER
So what do I need to do to pass the inspection?
INSPECTOR 1:
Well look it’s not as bad as we thought. This is one of the easier cases we have to deal with. For this restaurant to keep it’s license all you need to do is simply remove all the tables and chairs, knifes, folks and spoons or cutlery of any kind. Remove the fridge, the cookers, the ovens, the fire extinguisher, the counter, the lights, seal shut all the doors and up border all the windows. Then you’re laughing mate.
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