Weapons of Mass Diplomacy

Is the world trying to murder me today?

This Briteliner doesn’t work.

Why’d you buy me a dysfunctional Briteliner? Look, the tip is all mushy. Please! Explain!

MARTiNE!

How am I supposed to do my job with a defective Briteliner?

Precisely! You just don’t get it, Martine!

You don’t know what it means to write!

You said you wanted to rewrite the speech, so I bought you a new pen.

Minister, I don’t understand.

There’s a crisis in Lebanon, a crisis in Khemed that might kick off the next World War...

Writing is montage.

A Bicko Roller.

Like a bee gathering pollen from many flowers.

All possible viewpoints must be harmonized.

That’s what it takes!

And a Briteliner is the tool for the job!

Let me give you some advice, Martine: never trust those intellectuals, with their leaky pens.

Briteliner this!

Briteliner that!

They haven’t got a clue what it means to write.

Everything they write is nonsense.

What counts is clarity of vision.

Look at this book, for example.

Right away you know it’s worthless.

But in here, everything’s Britelinerized.

Now this is a good book.

There’s no Britelinering!

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This is the heavyweight stuff!

Only stuff that hits hard counts.

Everything in yellow.

Hard-hitting!

My radar is attuned to it.

klik

In fact, you know something? I barely have to read a book to tell if it’s any good.

You know your problem?

Your Briteliners are all old and leaky.

I’m an intuitive Britelinerer.

See? When I Britelinerize, it warps the page.

The better the book, the more warped it gets!

Look at this speech.

And that that makes me mad!

Arthur wrote it.

It’s not warped.

Not one bit!

sw oo o op

My God, am I pissed off!

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That means it’s a piece of shit!

w ha

pal a

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To think I’m in the middle of handling crises with Khemed, Europe, my wife, my daughter, the President -

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I’m here to see the Minister, Martine.

Alexandre…

He’s all yours.

At a diplomatic level, no one can turn this to our disadvantage.

The ship’s course was changed before entering Khemedi territorial waters.

Glad to have you on our side, trooper.

Our men were evacuated.

And the fire’s being put out as we speak.

Now. Europe!

To work.

An hour later.

Alexandre, the Minister of Defence is giving a conference in five.

Quote Montaigne, Voltaire, Rousseau, Marx…

Everyone who’s ever worked for peace.

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Europe is culture!

BAH, Humbug!

Spirit!

The Golden Rule of Respect!

Berlin.

Yesterday, might ruled the world. It controlled peoples, carved out territories, handed out honours. Alexander subjugated the Oracle at Delphi, just as Napoleon brought the Pope to heel…

But today, might leads the way to loss, for it kindles a feeling of injustice among peoples…

The civilizations of the New World vanished beneath a hail of conquistadors’ arrows, just as Rome gave way to barbarians’ blows…

History’s two greatest enemies, France and Germany, once locked in a centuries-old struggle, are now as brothers. Each has embraced the other, and with this act the winds of peace and stability blow freely over the continent. Such is the magic of Europe.

Strong enough to command peace where chaos reigns!

It’s working!

You bet. Like Bilbo back in Hobbitland, buddy.

Girl’s gone wild over there...

That’s good.

She scares me.

She’s like Gollum in front of the ring.

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Ha ha ha ha haha

hngh hngh hngh

Anyway, it’s working!

All you have to do now is go back to your cage and write the next one.

Maupas!

Uh-oh…

l trbb bzz trbbl bzz bzz

Minister?

Uh… Minister Minister -

We have a hostage situation.

So when’s the next one?

Where?

Where?

To work!

GRR

A reporter disguised as an N.G.O. activist. The Ministry told him not to go.

OK, focus. This guy was doing his job. Let’s do ours and get him out of there.

Can’t believe it!

Africa. Great Lakes.

Maupas called me.

Find me a room where we can work, and a secure line.

Haven’t had time to piss since this morning.

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I can’t believe this!

What am I, Little Bo-Peep?

I can’t go running off every time sheep disappear.

Good thing no one bothered giving me a glass of water.

Chapter 4:

“By transforming himself, he remains at rest." ~ Heraclitus, 6th century B.C.

Taillard is ROM, the Spaceknight. He defeats his enemies by banishing them to another dimension.

Oh yeah, I remember!

What were the bad guys called again? Something weird…

Bo… Ro…

Only he can see the bad guys as they really are, and no one understands his mission or his powers.

No, Taillard’s the Robeast here.

No, no, no! The Robeasts were from Voltron, not Rom.

Robeasts!

So Rom blasts you into a parallel dimension. Say you meet with him, bring up the budget?

He goes, “That’s not what matters. What matters is the fate of the world.”

Urgency!

R-i-i-ght…

Interdependence!

efficacy!

Unity!

His weapon is unreality. He plucks a few concepts out of the air without really knowing where he’s going with them. He repeats them everywhere until everyone’s convinced, though no one really knows what he means.

He lifts you out of yourself, and you lose your bearings.

Not even him.

?

Then, when you’ve transcended your tiny daily concerns, the stakes are beyond you.

?

World War III…

The… New World Order…

Unity?

You don’t know what you’re fighting for anymore.

You’ve got nothing left.

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Then he swoops in for the kill.

He never addresses people at their level.

He always sails right over their heads.

One day, he said: “Good negotiation…"

"…is when the guys across the table start seeing stars.”

? ?

Visionary, not functionary!

The weird thing is, it works.

He takes over.

Oh! ?

Behind it all, he fights for real ideas.

No. He believes it!

To stand up for truth and fact against the neocons.

Hang on. This guy sounds insufferable.

He’s all hot air.

He knows the bureaucrats are behind him.

He stretches things as far as they can go.

He knows that eventually people will catch up.

To oppose the right of pure might.

To give peace every last chance before war.

He’s effective.

He manhandles you, but he gets things done.

He heats up. He knows people are against him and will try to fight him.

He deconstructs realism. And leaves someone else with the mess.

“Write me a report finding weapons of mass delusion in America! They’re now a threat to global security!”

Urge

ncy!

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France could never get away with pointing fingers like that! I mean, we’re not America!

It’s up to Claude, with his wording of mass diplomacy.

“Yes, well, Alexandre, I think we might be able to work in that idea without roughing up our friends quite so much.”

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It didn’t work in Geneva, though.

No, that was a huge flop.

His speeches don’t always work, but if you’re ever alone in a room with him, he’s totally killer.

Chapter 5: “Fatigue is labouring at the same tasks and, by doing so, making a start.”

trbbli trbbli trbbli

Well...

~ Heraclitus, 6th century B.C.

It’s him.

Ah, crap!

Minister?

Look, I won’t be long.

OK.

Right now?

Wait for me at the café?

Gotta manage a crisis in… uh…

Khemed.

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Pharaoh again?

What’s he want now?

Heraclitus THE FRAGMENTS

Sit down.

Not bad, this book.

Now.

I’ve decided to go on the evening news.

I’m sick of morons always flooding the airwaves.

Are you sure, Alexandre?

The only thing reporters want to hear about right now is that silly anchovy war with Spain, you know.

Exactly, Claude! It’s time to teach the media a whopping good lesson!

Alexandre, it’s a very complicated matter, and to be fair, both sides have their share of the blame.

We could get tripped up rather badly.

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Not the problem.

The problem is, the P.M. has fucked things up again with his incomprehensible gibberish.

The world’s problem isn’t anchovies.

People have to know we’re thinking about the world at large here.

No, we must raise the level of the debate.

The world’s problem today is fear.

It’s all in here.

Heraclitus THE FRAGMENTS

“The thunderbolt pilots all things.”

It’s all in there.

Arthur, dig into this.

Write me a speech with some meat to it.

OF

O WH

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