A collection of short stories Brendan Mc Crossan
Later on Joe awoke and realising he had fallen asleep looked at the clock and panicked. He had been asleep for two and a half hours. Jumping up from his chair he rushed outside and began calling his fifteen children. {yes fifteen kids} Some of them were playing outside and he got them rounded up and told the eldest boy to run the bath Then he went looking for the rest of his kids. Soon he found them all playing in a sandpit. Ordering them home he had to force one or two to obey, they were reluctant to come for their bath and bedtime. Finally he could take no more arguing he grabbed the most reluctant one and put him under his arm and catching another one by the arm he took them all home.
CHAPTER ONE
MISSING CHILD Joe {not his real name} Look after the kids and make sure they get their bath before you put them to bed, I’m off to bingo.
‘No problem darling’ Joe called after her and settled down to watch Star Trek on T V.
Asking the rest of his kids did they bath themselves and getting a reply of Yes dad. He frogmarched the last remaining few up stairs and as they were the youngest of his steps of stairs he made sure they undressed and got into the bath.
Mary {not her real name either} said to her husband as she was leaving with her sister, to first of all, visit her mother then go to bingo, with her Mum and her sister.
‘Right you lot get ready for your bath’ He ordered this bunch.
Going outside they asked someone what was wrong and were told that a young child was missing and that everyone was searching for it but with no success. Soonthepolicearrivedandwentintotheneighbourshouseand they to began a search. It was now dark and fears were rising higher for the child’s safety.
One of the little ones was more reluctant that the rest and kept saying he didn't want a bath and did not want to go to bed. But Joe had his way and the little one was sponged down and left spotless just like the rest, and put into his pyjamas.
Soon everyone was in bed sleeping and Joe was back settled down with a few pints of beer watching the T V.
Sitting them down at the table and chairs he used his normal rota of youngest first, fed, then bed. Thus giving the elder ones some TV time. Then they were fed and would go off to bed.
Settling down beside Joe, Mary had no sooner taken a bite of a sandwich when she heard a commotion outside. Peering out the front window she seen people going out and in to a neighbours house and she saw that they were crying and in great Somethingdistress. has happened at our neighbours Joe, come on and we will see what happened. Mary said pulling on her cardigan.
An hour later Mary arrived in and Joe asked her had she any luck at bingo. She replied. No. Going out to the kitchen she proceed to make the two of them some tea and sandwiches.
Asking a neighbours daughter to watch their home Joe and Mary joined in the search, going down and up all the surrounding Twostreets.oclock in the morning and still no sign of the missing child. Mary decided that she had better check her kids just to be sure that they were all safely tucked in bed.
Going upstairs and into their bedrooms she counted them all. She counted sixteen and thinking she counted wrong she went back into their bedrooms again and began a slower headcount.
Sixteen! She should have only fifteen heads showing under the blankets.Goingclosershepulleddownthesheetsrevealingthe faces of her children one by one.
Calling to Joe to get up here immediately, she lifted the little boy out of bed still wearing her sons pyjamas.
As Joe reached Mary who had the still sleeping little boy in her arms she let rip at him for being a stupid sod for not realising that this boy was not one of theirs. Together they rushed over to their distraught neighbour’s home and pushed theirway in through thecrowd who werefilling the Wehallway.found him. Mary said. A relieved mother clasped him into her bosom crying. Thank God thank God. Then asked Mary. ‘Where did you find him?’ Then realising he was in Pyjamas she said. How did he get into his Pyjamas?
Then to her horror she noticed that one of the children was not hers but the missing little boy.
And Joe had brought all her kids in and bathed them and put them to bed and did not notice that the little boy who protested so much, about coming in from play, from getting bathed, and complained about putting on his pyjamas was not one of his own Everyonechildren.burst out laughing and laughed so much their sides almost burst. Some were laughing with relief and also saw the funny side of this and so glad that the little boy was found safe and well and still asleep.
Poor Joe never lived this down and still today gets very embarrassed when some member of his family or friends tells this story.
The police laughingly said, they wont press charges of kidnapping and told Joe next time you bath the kids count them and make sure they are all your own.
A very embarrassed Mary told her that he was safely tucked up in her children’s bed all this time.
Putting down my tools I went to the barrel where we kept the water barrel for mixing the cement, I took the hosepipe and proceeded to wash my hands.
Tucking into the stew I noticed there was a strange tang in the flavour. I could not place what it was and asked Joe what the ingredients of the stew were, and he told me what he put in and there was nothing I had not tasted before in the stew. But it still had an unusual tangy taste and it got more tangier the
Joe, the same Joe as in the last story. {Not his real name.} and I worked building an extension to my sisters kitchen.
Shouting back. ‘work away, a stew will be nice’ I worked on building the walls I was working at until I heard Joe call out. ‘Stews ready come and get it’
What’s in the stew Joe?
My sister Rita, and her husband Billy went away with the family to a caravan for a few days until we had demolished the old building and started building the new larger kitchen and bedroom, leaving some groceries for us to make ourselves something to eat. After a few days the groceries were almost finished and Joe called out to me there were only some potatoes and a few other items left in the fridge was it ok if he made a stew. He said he could make a dinner out of little and had much practice with fifteen kids. Nothing, he said, was ever wasted in his house, the leftovers made the next days meal.
Chapter two
‘Holy God almighty Joe! {nottheexactwords I used} ‘I added mortar mix to the filled water barrel just before I went on to the scaffold, to make it keep the cement soft while working with ‘Ahit’ sure it wont do us any harm’ said Joe as he headed to the toilet. Both of us had the runs for the next four or five days.
Further down the pot we went. But to be truthful it still tasted very nice and especially when your very hungry.
Then I asked him if he cleaned the pot out before making the stew in it and he answered, of course he did he even scrubbed it with a wire scrubbing pad. Still tucking into the stew. I thought of something else and asked . Joe! Where did you get the water from? Expecting him to answer from the hosepipe of course.
Still not content, I again asked Joe was there something else added to the stew he did not tell me about in case I would not have liked it. He replied. ‘No I told you everything I put in it.’
When he responded. I got it from the water barrel. I nearly choked and I asked him. ‘Did you fill the pot with the water from this water barrel, pointing at the water barrel beside the Todoor.which he replied. ‘Aye the one we use for the cement. I filled it with clean water earlier so it was ok’ It was then I realised what the strange tangy taste was, ‘mortar mix’ Joe had made the stew with water from the water barrel with mortar mix in it.
I was a building contractor and was working at a house in Abercorn road. I needed some extra men as I had promised the woman who owned the house that I would have them back in to their home before Christmas and Christmas was six weeks away. One of my workers suggested a man called Freddy, who was a bit of a comedian and a nice bloke. Desperate for men I said ok he can do a bit of labouring for me.
Freddy arrived the next morning with a suit on. Telling him he needed old clothes to work in, one of the workers gave him an old pair of trousers he had. I sentFreddy to help thebricklayers by stacking theirbricks for them, and he seemed to be getting the idea and was doing ok.
Looking out from under the cupboard where I was connecting the pipes to the sink I answered. I want you to go and paint the front windows with the white undercoat paint you just got. The Big man will hold the ladder for
Next morning I needed the new wooden windows frames painted at the front of the house and the bricklayers were waiting on window lintels to arrive, so I sent Freddy to go and get some paint from our store. I had one other lad put a set of ladders out against one of the window’s I wanted painting, and waited for Freddy to arrive back. A few minutes later he arrived back and called out. ‘What do you want me to do now boss’
Chapter three Paint the windows Freddy.
Big man had been holding the ladder for Freddy but wasn't watching what he was doing. He was trying to avoid a woman who worked in the school where he was a caretaker and from which he had taken two weeks off to work with us as the pay was better. I sent Freddy back to help the bricklayers and he was on the scaffolding collect blocks from one of the other labourers. The Bricklayers had worked hard that day and had got to a good height with their walls. The Big man was down below working at the cement mixer and Freddy was telling jokes on the scaffolding and doing a littledanceroutinewithhisparticularjoke.NextthingFreddy’s
Fifteen minutes later the Big man arrived in, his face beetroot red with laughter. He could hardly contain himself as he told me to come outside. Once outside he pointed up at the bold Freddy, and tears running down his eyes he said. ‘Look he is painting the windows white’ I looked and saw Freddy was indeed painting the windows white, he was painting the panes of glass white, not the window frames. I spluttered and spluttered trying to hold in the laughter and called out to Freddy. ‘Freddy I meant you should paint the window frames white not the window panes’ Freddy spent the rest of the day removing the paint from the glass.
You Right. boss he called out no problem.
I thought the Big man was under the pile of blocks and probably killed or injured and jumped down from the scaffolding.
Ass hit the freshly built wall, and it began to buckle in the Nextmiddle.thing it crashed down unto the mixer and surrounding area with a great roar.
Needless to say I sent Freddy home without pay as he cost me hundreds of pounds through his antics and window pane painting and almost cost a man his life.
Thanks be to God just as Freddy knocked down the wall, the Big man stepped inside to get some more cement. As he stepped inside, the building collapsed in the spot where had been standing a moment before, if he had still been there he would have been seriously injured or killed.
Mc Farland our cousin said he had some meat in the fridge at his home across the street, and left to raid his mothers fridge. Arriving back he produced a pound of frozen mince it was rock hard. We tried to cut the mince with a knife but it
My brother Pat arrived home from Canada after being away for quite a few years. Everyone was invited out for the night to a local bar for a get together. We had a great nights entertainment. Pat is a great lead guitarist. I played bass and our brother in law played lead guitar also. We were asked to come on stage and perform together so we obliged. We enjoyed ourselves playing rock and roll songs and the crowd liked it as well. When we sat down again after our stint we were handed a few rounds of free beer. It was great and great to see Pat home again.
After the night in the bar finished we decided to get a carry out and bring everyone to my parents home to finish off the night.
Where have all the flowers gone?
Chapter four
Pat suggested we get a curry from the local Chinese. Unfortunately the Chinese was closed as it was very late at night, then someone said Brendan makes a great curry and would I make one now for us all. I always loved making curries so it was no Goingproblem.out to my mothers kitchen presses we searched for ingredients to use in the curry and discovered that mum had very little, except some rice but there was no meat we could Daviduse.
Smells great said my brother Sean as I threw him out of the ‘Okkitchen.folks come and get it.’ I called out, and with a rush they all forced their way into the kitchen including my mother and father who never ate a curry before. This curry is great thebest you ever madeI was told by oneand all and surprise, surprise my mother really enjoyed it, of course she had been plied with alcohol all night since we arrived and her taste buds were not responding in their normal way.
Now normally I did not use onions in the curry when I made it at home but there were more onion eaters than non onion eaters,so they won outand thesearch foronionsin my mothers kitchen presses began and eventually I found some small ones. Cutting the onions into very small pieces I worked in the kitchen alone while the others had some more drink and now and then someone brought me another beer. We were all well drunk by now and looked forward to the curry.
By this stage everyone was starving. David had cut the mince up into small frozen lumps and I set about making the curry.
Would not cut. So Raymond Cassiday came up with the idea of using a hacksaw and he had one over at his house five minutes walk away. A group of us went over to his house, to make sure he was allowed back by my sister Marion and return with the hacksaw. And he returned hacksaw in hand and some more Ibeers.saidI have some curry powder in my home and set off to get it and returned with it a little later.
Next day I was down visiting my folks and Pat who was staying with them. And my father a keen gardener was working away in the garden.
My mother looked right at me and asked. ‘Where did you get the onions for the curry last night’ ‘Did you bring them with you from your house for I had no onions’ ‘No I got them from a shopping bag in the press’ I answered. Then she said. ‘Oh my God those onions were his daffodil Shockedbulbs. we just sat there while my father cursed and complained that someone stole his daffodil bulbs but he would be watching all our gardens to see which one took them. I had made the curry with daffodil bulbs and I have never lived it down to this present day when a family curry is made. My father never found out he ate his own daffodil bulbs.
Best curry ever, was the overall report, and I of course was delighted with the results. Finishing our curry we decided to callitanightanddisheswashedwesetoffhometrulysatisfied.
‘Great curry’ He called as I entered the house. Aye’ Said my mother it was really lovely, I did not think I would like curry but it was really lovely’ We were sitting talking about Canada with Pat when my father came in and we heard him rummaging about in the kitchen. Then he called in. Mary, did you see my Daffodil bulbs? I had a bag of them in the press, but they’re not here now.
Every year Rose and I and the children would go to spend our summer vacation at a caravan site on a small holiday resort in Buncranna County Donegal Ireland . Rose’s cousin Lilly, her husband Tony and friends owned caravans on the same site as us. We had a great time there and at night we would go to one of the local pubs, ‘The Cottage Bar’ Many a fantastic nights fun we had at the Cottage Bar rolling home most nights. We took it in turns to make a curry for all. One night I would make it, next time it would be Lilly, then Mara would make it.
This particular night it was my turn to make the curry, and after spending another great night at the Cottage Bar, we arrived back at the caravan the worse for wear carrying of course our Everyonecarryout. crowded into my little caravan took their seats, and opened the carryout, then passed out the drink. I began to prepare the curry. We had to leave the caravan door open because it got to hot from the cooking and also because it was the summer nights and lovely, But the gaslight attracted all kinds of flying insects.
Chapter five
How much meat should go in a curry?
While I was writing that last wee story about the daffodil bulb curry it reminded me of another curry I made.
A few beers later I decided to give the curry a little stir to prevent it from sticking to the bottom of the pot and as I stirred I noticed the daddy long legs doing the breast stroke in the Lookingcurry.
Then I piped up it should taste more meatier because the Daddy long legs had been cooking in it for about half an hour and gave the curry that bit of extra flavour. I told them it was still alive so I rescued it and threw it out the caravan door.
We had little gas lights in the caravan and one of those lights was at the caravan door and beside the cooker.
Did you ever notice that the drunker you get the better the food Everyonetastes.
commented how lovely the curry was and it was the bestthatI had madesincecoming to thecaravan site. They said it had a great meaty flavour and there were plenty to go around.
They never trusted me to make the curry’s again especially when I had a few too many. But they still loved the curry and laughingly said they got a leg each .
As I prepared the curry a ‘Daddy long legs’ a large flying insect was attracted by the light, and kept flying around inside the caravan and over to the light again and over my cooker. I got fed up with its antics and swiped at it and must have hit it because it disappeared and I forgot about it.
around me making sure no one was watching I scooped up the poor old Daddy long legs in a spoon and threw him out the open caravan door and began putting out the plates for the meal.
Chapter six Don’t we all do silly things without thinking?
I told Sean and Joe to begin chipping the plaster off the brickwork and take a few rows of brick away also. They were working from a small scaffolding and were up chipping away merrily, when I came back in from outside where I was measuring up the other windows.
As I entered the back living room I watched them for a few minutes, then I heard a groaning sound and looking closer at the work they were doing I noticed a crack begin to appear in the brickwork and it was widening. I shouted to them to get down, and get out of the house quickly, the whole back wall of this three story house, was about to collapse. Jumping down from the scaffolding Sean and Joe made a hasty retreat out the back living room door that I was holding open for them, and ran past me just as the wall collapsed.
I was building an extension and my younger brother Sean and friend Joe Garner were doing the labouring for me. Working at a house in Abercorn road I was replacing the old windows with new ones and the new ones were slightly larger to give the people who owned the house more light in their back living room.
I was in shock and believed that the whole back wall three story high was about to collapse and I thought I will be out a fortune fixing this and just stood there peering at the falling masonry from behind the living room door. More worried about the building than my own safety. Luckily the building did not collapse but only a half dozen rows of brickwork had come loose and fell. If the back wall had fallen I would have been killed because some of the falling brickwork hit the door where I was hiding behind.
Like an idiot I stood in the back living room and stepped in behind the open door, which I held open for Sean and Joe, and closed the door over me covering me while the brickwork and dirt and dust flew around me. I should have ran with Sean and Joe but I felt compelled to watch and see what damage was about to materialize.
When I had the building extension completed it was time for the plastering work to be done. The neighbour next door was asked could we go in to their yard and plaster the wall, but they refused us access to their yard.
Neitherproperty.I,northe
plasterer were allowed to set foot on the neighbours ground. So getting permission to go ahead with my plan. I set out and began to cut two holes through the
During the time I was building the extension for my sister in the Lone Moor Road her neighbours on both sides were giving her a hard time. They did not want her building the extension and fought with her about the work being done.
Little old ladies, terrorists and soldiers
A long row developed and the council who gave planning permission were notified that this neighbour refused access to their yard, and informed us that they would accept the work done without the plastering of that back wall facing the next door neighbours home. They informed us that a lot of neighbours had caused the same problem with other builders and said they would withhold five hundred pounds off the grant towards the extension I was not to happy with this as it was money being held from me. So I thought of a plan and called one of the council planning people and asked if it would be ok to do the plan I had come up with. They thought about it and agreed to pay the five hundred pounds as long as I did not trespass on to the neighbours
Chapter seven
Then Joe my helper and I began lowering two planks nailed together and fitted with ropes, down unto the protruding planks and they settled down six inches off the ground.
Wall of the extension and pushed two planks through the hole in the wall stretching out two feet into the neighbours yard but six inches off the ground, and wedged down inside the extension preventing them from touching the ground on the neighbours side.
he agreed and said. ‘You won, well done and grinned, I would never have dreamt of doing that’ Whilst cleaning theyard for him wewithdrew theplanks thathad been protruding through Rita’s extension and filled in the holes, and fixed some plaster-work that had fallen off his own small extension, then left. The council came and inspected the work and paid up the five
By law, technically, we were not trespassing, as we did not set foot on the property, we had found that out first and when the neighbours spotted my father descending down on to the platform from a ladder and begin plastering the wall they came out screaming abuse and called for the police who came and saw what we were doing and realised theses women were behaving total like ass’s. They told them there was nothing they could do as we never set foot on the property. They then left, and the neighbours went inside cursing us. After my father finished plastering I went to the neighbours house and spoke to the father of the house and asked would he let us into the yard to clean it as we didn’t want to leave a mess in his Reluctantlyyard.
A neighbour {I will call him Bill for names sake} further down the street had an extension built a few weeks previously and the next door neighbours refused his workmen entry also. He was watching us plastering our extension and came over to see how we did it, telling us of his similar problem.
Hundred pounds it was withholding until all the plastering work was done.
As he watched us working he asked myself if we would plaster hisextension wall. Therewasonly thetop half ofhisextension to be plastered, just the back wall facing his neighbours who objected to him building the extension. And he offered to pay the five hundred pounds that the council held off his grant.
I accepted his offer, and told him we would be over the next day to begin work. Next day I told the men who were working for me to move the scaffolding we used for Rita’s plastering job over to this mans home and to get things ready to begin the plastering work As.
Shortly after another old woman appeared at the back gate and began cursing us and calling us names, saying we wont get in to plaster this back wall. Then a third old woman
I arrived at ‘Bills’ house the back gate opened and an old woman came out and seeing me she began striking me with her walking stick. I was shocked then I moved out of her way while she cursed me for coming to annoy old people.
I moved a little bit further back and looked into the hole and sure enough there was the contorted face of one of the old women with a hosepipe in her hand trying to soak us. She pushed the hose through into Bills children’s bedroom and was soaking the children’s bed and furniture so catching the hose I bent it to stop the water flowing, and would not let go. In the meantime outside a crowd had gathered to watch the antics as word spread around about what was happening. One local lad grabbed the hose pipe that we had filling our water barrel. He began to spray water on the old woman and she immediately ran inside her house slamming the back door.
Jumping back he exclaimed ! It’s one of the old biddies from next door with a hosepipe poking through the hole we had made’ She’s standing on a chair so she can reach us’
I had cut the first hole out and was getting ready to trim around the edges of it to allow the plank through when I was soaked with water coming from the hole. I thought I had burst a water pipeand calledtoBillaskingwasthereawaterpipeherewhere I was cutting, and he answered no and bending down he looked into the hole and was immediately soaked with water.
Right lads forget about them, get all the planks up on to the roof, while I go and cut out the holes in the extension wall to slidetheotherplanksthrough,aboutsevenfeetabovetheiryard.
Arrived at the gate and calling her sisters back inside, she slammed the back gate shut, also calling insults to us.
A cheer rang out from all the people watching which brought
Meanwhile back in the bedroom I pushed the planks through the holes in the wall and wedged them in securely. Going downstairs then outside, I was shocked to seeabouttwenty five people sitting on the grass bank watching. ‘Lower the planks down on to the ones protruding through the wall’ I called to the lads on the roof. Down came the planks and outcamethethreeold ladiesassoon asthey saw theplanks being lowered and all three had walking sticks in their hands and waving them threateningly at all of us, and the crowd of onlookers cheered, then they retreated back inside again. Most of the people in the Lone Moor area knew of the problems that Bill had with these three so called ladies. They had knocked down walls after the bricklayers finished and left for home.Thebricklayershadtorebuildthemoverandoveragain. They done other terrible things on his workmen.
With everything ready my father stepped on to the scaffolding and began plastering thewall. Hemadequick progress and was soon half way there. Then the back door opened and one old biddy came out waving a spade in the air then she began attacking the plaster work.
Even more people over to watch and we saw that people in Mary Bee’s Bar took some tables and chairs outside so that they could watch everything from the comfort of the Bar.
The reputation of theses old biddies had spread through the Bog-side area and now word had spread that they were at their antics again.
My father a patient man just went back and repaired the damage they had done to the wall and continued on with his work. The spectator who used the hose on the old ladies sat on the roof with the hose beside him, and every time they tried to come out the back door he hosed them forcing them inside. A little later he came down off the roof but they did not see him leave and thought he was still there. ‘The army is coming’ someone shouted.
The crowd made a grab for any stone they could find and retreated a little bit further away to safer ground where they could stone the army as they passed. But the army did not pass theystoppedoutsidetheoldbiddiesfrontdoor,andsoldiersran up the back lane where we were and positioned themselves around covering their officer. From my position on the roof which I had climbed to pass cement down to my father I could see an army officer inside
We just stood watching them in shock and amazement then one spectator got on the roof of Bills extension and began to spray water on the two old bats, with our hose pipe, and soon they retreated to howls of laughter from the watching crowd.
Next thing two of the old women burst out the back door one grabbed the hose she had used earlier and began to spray the plastering washing it off the wall, and the other sister used her spade to scrape the plaster off at the same time.
Scrapping it off the wall again, then she ran inside. My father went back and began re-plastering what she scrapped off and returned to where he had left off. She then came out and done the same again, and again each time he re-plastered the wall.
My father stopped plastering and joined me in talking to the officer. He could not believe that these old women could be so bad they would not allow the wall to be plastered, He used to be a bricklayer himself he told us, and was sympathetic to our plight. Of course we told him we were quite legal as we had not stepped foot inside their property and had this legality sorted out with the police and mentioned the earlier extension we had plastered in the same way my sister Rita’s. ‘Brilliant idea Sir. he said grinning’ I am sorry to have bothered you sir’ he said. ‘Carry on and good luck’ At that moment a shot rang out and one soldier at the front of the house collapsed, he was shot and seriously wounded. The old women approached the officer as he made his way back down the lane and began giving him abuse about not stopping us from working. He called them three evil old hags who just had one of his men shot and seriously wounded and were they not satisfied with what they had done, they were the cause of his soldier getting shot, now get inside and stay there or ill shoot you myself. At that they scurried inside and remained there. The soldiers made a hasty exit from the Lone Moor
Talking to the three old ladies, taking off his helmet and scratching his head, then looked out at my father plastering the Hewall.came to the back door looked out smiled at us and went inside and spoke to the old women again then he left.
A few moments later he came around the back to where we were working and asked to speak to the boss, which was me.
Taking their wounded comrade with them.
The soldier later on died from his wounds, and the three old women stopped persecuting their neighbours including Bill and his family from that day on.
It was sad to think that some poor soldier was shot because of the jealousy of theses so called religious women, who every day went to church. But they Jealous of their neighbours extenWesion.had no more bother from theses old women they stayed inside and we finished off the work and removed everything leaving the place tidy again.
I know you might be thinking theses were just three old ladies but sad to say they were nothing nice about them or their language either I might add. For years they had a vendetta against Bill and his wife and kids and almost drove them from their home on many an occasion.