Escaping the 'Straight' Jacket

Finding courage in friends, family, and a rainbow flag

By Zander

I absolutely knew it. I knew I was gay. It was probably in fifth grade that I knew.

Coming out was a pretty weird, long process for me. My school at the time (I now go to a very supportive, gay-friendly school) was an uncomfortable place for me even to think about coming out. I heard the word “fag” a lot and kids used the word “gay” as an insult, which I never understood. I worried about other kids’ opinions and felt like I had to keep my true self in. I mean, if people were using “gay” as an insult, how would they feel if I was gay?

Because of the attitudes that came from kids around me, I truly believed that I had to be straight, so I tried to force myself. I felt depressed. Keeping my secret from the whole family, made my depression so strong that I felt like maybe if I wasn’t alive I wouldn't have this burden anymore. When it became clear that I couldn’t force myself to be straight, I decided that if I was going to come out, I would inch my way into it. I’d probably start out by saying that I was bi and then work up to my elaborate, full coming out!

My coming out actually started when I was sitting in my hammock and texting a good friend. I suddenly had a revelation: this could be my chance to come out. We were joking around, and one thing led to another. She said, “I thought you were going to come out gay or something!” By this time we were really close, and I knew she’d be open. So I told her that I thought I was bi. We had a long conversation by text, and in the end, my heart was beating really fast. My friend has been amazingly supportive ever since I came out to her.

What if this was the day I was going to come out for real? Was this going to change the whole dynamic of my relationships with my family members? I finally mustered up the courage.

I went from forcing myself to be straight to having an enormous rainbow flag hung up in the gym of my school. When I look up at the flag it reminds me that I’m in a safe place.

I went upstairs and I told my mom that I needed to talk with her. I was very hesitant, but I really wanted to. I had no idea this was going to happen so soon – I hadn’t planned it, but it had to happen at some point. I hid under the blanket for about 45 minutes as my mom tried to guess what was ‘wrong’. I really didn’t feel like saying it. My mom asked, “Are you gay?” I said no. My heart was racing. Fast. I wasn’t ready to tell her I was gay yet, so I said that I was bi. It was a lie, but I knew that was the closest to gay I would get that night.

To my surprise, my mom was extremely good about it all. However, I was really scared. I thought that this whole thing was going to change the entire dynamic of my family. I tried the next day to take it back, but I don't think my mom bought it. A few days later, in the car, my mom, an event planner, said to me, “I hope one of you (me or my sister) gives me a ‘two-tie’ or a ‘two-dress’ wedding to plan! I would love to plan one of those!” I wanted to yell, “YES! YES, YOU WILL BE DOING THAT!” All I could get out was a small “maybe.”

That night my mom came over to the couch and asked if we could talk. She said, “Are you gay? Can we talk about you being bi?” I said, “Ok.” My mom said, “Are you sure you’re bi?” I said no. My mom then asked me if I was gay. I paused for like five minutes and went under the covers again and mumbled a muffled yes through the covers. My mom went into full support mode. She hugged me and thanked me for telling her. It made me feel so good about it all, like I’d finally be accepted.

The hardest was my dad because I always looked at him as a ‘big manly guy’ who would not want to hear that his son is gay. I was very afraid. My mom really wanted me to tell dad, because they don’t keep secrets from each other. So I had my mom prepare him while I went

out of the room. I was hiding in my sister’s room and bracing myself for an explosive ending. My mom yelled “He knows!”, so I reluctantly walked into the room and darted into the bed and hid under the covers again – my safe zone. Luckily, my dad was extremely supportive. He now speaks out about transgender bathroom access and he’s completely against homophobia. I feel like I now know the side of him that never showed until I came out.

After I told my family, I told Caitlin, one of my best friends at my new school. She is the most open person I’ve ever met. She’s exactly like me in my ideals about the LGBTQ community. She has all those same values. Caitlin just really gets it. I’m so grateful for that. As of now, my school director, all my teachers, and all the kids in school know and are really supportive. I even asked if we might look into getting a rainbow flag for our school. Of course, we hung a GIANT rainbow flag up in my school’s gym. I love that flag! The reaction I hoped for was the reaction I got. I went from forcing myself to be straight to having an enormous rainbow flag hung up in the gym of my school. When I look up at the flag it reminds me that I’m in a safe place.

After I felt comfortable with being gay, I felt like I could escape from ‘Straight Zander’, like I could run away from him. What I did was my dream. I came out! I like that I can now be who I am, and there are no secrets kept from my family or friends. Honestly, I enjoy being gay!

Zander loves music, theatre, science, technology, clocks, sailing, baking, cooking, skiing, and video games. He is pretty outgoing when he gets to know people and considers himself a kind, honest person. He believes that people should be exactly who they are.