ENBY Issue #2: Our Identities, Ourselves

ENBY MAGAZINE

Issue #2: Our Identities, Ourselves Exploring the intersections of who we are, together, by sharing our stories.

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Table of Contents Cover Art Dylyn Reid-Davies (they/he)

(http://www.dylynreiddavies.tumblr.com)

Editor-in-Chief Leif Tobias Gifford (they/he)

A Stream of Consciousness on Self-Acceptance

6

By Peach Delosreyes-Yu (they/them)

Summer Camp and Being Yourself, While Non-Binary

9

By: Danny McLaren (they/them)

The Body

12

By: Alex Chen

Poetry

14

By: Nora Pax Thrasher (they/them)

They: A Painting Series

14-16, 21-22

By: Ez Johnston (they/them)

More Than One Thing: A Roundtable Discussion about Intersectional, Non-Binary Identities 17 By: Cadyn Cameron (they/them, he/him)

Triple (Health) Threat: Poor, Fat, and Trans

23

By: Jay Mac (they/them)

I Contain Multitudes: A Personal Essay and Call to Action Roo Issac McClay (they/them)

Rethinking Pronoun Declarations

28

By: Wandile Dlamini (they/them)

It’s Complicated

31

By Rhizome Syndrigast Coelacanth Flourishing (X/X. They/Them)

Leonids

32

By: Fira (they/them, he/him)

What Does It Mean to Be Non-binary?

34

A comic by Jeffery Kingsley (they/xe), cover artist for Issue #1

Words of Encouragement

35

By: Cris Evergreen (they/them)

3

25

Letter from the Editor Dear reader, To me, publishing and telling stories are synonymous. Putting something into print legitimizes and immortalizes it, no matter how big or small the audience is. The impact something like this could have for even just one person is everything, and my main motivation for continuing on with it even as things got tough for me personally. I have been doing publishing for some years now, making small-run zines and more - mostly for marginalized folk, mostly very collaborative work.

For some, it is not so easy to express their views and their work. It’s not possible to be out, to even suggest it, to pursue a transition in any sense, or to afford (nor be physically able) to change gender recognition. For some, there is no language for non-binary. For some, colonialism has tried to wipe out generations of binary-breaking history.

I am more than proud to say that ENBY has reached more than 5 countries, Issue #1 had two successful print runs, we exhibited in two zine fairs, and our free digital edition has been read by hundreds of people and counting. It is more than evident that this publication is needed, both as a safe harbour for our community but also as an educational resource for others without catering to them.

While there were some contributions from these groups, this magazine has been overwhelmingly white and able-bodied. Understanding that the non-binary community itself has a huge prioritization issue, we sought out to be better moving forward and the change is evident in Issue #2. Moving forward, we will continue to center the narratives of disabled, people of colour, neuroatypical, and otherwise underrepresented groups.

Thanks to a successful Patreon campaign (that is still ongoing), some small donations, and huge community support, we are able to pay our contributors small stipends this issue. In the future, I would like to expand the page-count of the magazine and pay better stipends. However, stipends are the priority.

Our community is vast and incredibly strong. My biggest thanks go to everyone who has been involved in ENBY since it’s conception. We seriously could not do it without you!

Yours, Leif Tobias Gifford | they/he |

Editor-in-Chief of ENBY Magazine 4

We are ENBY Magazine, North America’s independent magazine produced by non-binary people, for nonbinary people of all sizes, races, sexualities, abilities, religions, etc.

We print in bigger font than most magazines so that we’re more accessible. We now also publish a text-based version of ENBY for screen readers. If there’s anything that we can do better, feel free to

contact us at leif@boundlessmedia.co.

Issue #2: Our Identities, Ourselves This issue is intended to build on Issue #1: UNDERGROUND, by expanding on all of the ways our identities interlock. Oftentimes, our genders become an area of contention, and the other aspects of ourselves are not as noticed. Or, our gender identities and expressions are cast aside in favour of other parts of us.

We are not just one thing. We are our identities, and ourselves.

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A Stream of Consciousness On Self-Acceptance

By Peach Delosreyes-Yu (they/them)

Let’s say it. I don’t do “high femme”. My wardrobe is

we can imagine others intimately loving us too. We

flannel, flowers, and autumn or light blue colors. I

have so many harmful learned behaviours and fears

like to collect signs and have a few from an aban-

against ourselves that it’s a revolutionary step when

doned hospital. I like exploring abandoned property

we put ourselves out there as a beautiful person al-

and pretending like my knife will protect me from

so worthy of love,” says Steph Nagoski, local activist

ghosts. I'm fond of the saying “you can't fight a war

and chef.

on an empty stomach”. I define my femininity myself.

I am polyamorous, or ethically non-monogamous I’m attracted to lots of people. There are individuals I anyway. My experience with love has been many admire, that because of our emotional bond I’ve

things. It’s writing. It’s being asked if you’re interest-

thought about romantically / sexually. Kicking toxic

ed in someone’s partner. It’s telling your partner

people out my life made me realize what I’ve accept- about a crush that we could go see, but watching ed because I thought I didn't deserve better. My ro-

their face fall. It’s thinking anything perceptively

mantic life reads as demi1. I’m trying not to be ob-

wrong or weird is because of your dick. It’s going to

sessed with how we met, how you’ve been there for

clothing-optional hot springs. It’s going to a show

me, or the feelings I have shared.

sharing a blanket. It’s learning to not be toxic. It’s watching your crush fall in love. It’s making space for

I can’t count the honeymoon phases I’ve destroyed

yourself. It’s fighting oppression. It’s driving out to

to get where we act like friends. I fell for something.

make sure someone didn’t overdose. It’s letting

It was you saying that you’re excited to see me, right yourself be scared because there could be someafter you pick your nose and pick a seat nearby. It was you speaking up for a friend. It was going out of your way to include everyone. I do like romance though.

thing behind that door. It’s not feeling wanted2.

It’s believing that you’re wanted. It’s believing that

they want you. It’s asking. It’s silence. It’s everything happening at once. It’s knowing that your crush

“We older Enbies frequently lived much of our previ- wants to kiss everyone, and being okay with that, hoping you will be one of those people. It’s trusting ous life, before we discovered ourselves and our

language and our Truth, so differently from our new- your partners decisions and words. It’s transient. found self. Our first steps of transition can be such a You deserve the best, but when I get treated a cermajor reboot that even deep loving and sexual relationships that we have at the time of change, have to take several steps back to make room for us to learn to know and love our new selves first, before

tain way because of my skin color and presentation; maybe something’s weird. Maybe it isn’t. I like you, and you, and you. It’s being honest with yourself. It’s being honest with someone else about yourself. It’s 6

knowing yourself.

Spanish of your ancestors did the same thing 300

years later.

I was raised by my mom; you can feel heavy footsteps of theirs anywhere in the house. They cook

Maybe think these parades sound like an extension

and clean, make money, hide emotions, wear suits,

of that. I wonder how I could be5, in my own society6.

sing wrong lyrics loudly, belch atomically, and mutter Microaggressive things (stares I get for clothing), “ what was I gonna say…”, shuffling away. They fart- aggressive things (internalized hate), and laws ed and left. They taught me to rely on no-one else,

(Chinese-exclusionary, anti-miscegenation, deporta-

to provide, and to never be like my father. They have tion, the model minority myth...) have made it difficult a great head roll, eye roll combination. I was raised

to feel that acceptance of me; by institute or any au-

alongside my sister and we did everything together.

dience, isn’t influenced by some form of white su-

We played dolls and LEGO, drew and made stories, premacy. Being (stereotyped as) SEA (caretaker played video games, caught bugs, caught Pokémon. and physical labor) and how traditional gender roles As latchkey kids, all we had was one another, even

operate in America makes something like cooking a

while I started stealing their pants and hoodies.

multiply odd experience.

People eat up the idea that I’m; undesirable, ex-

“As an enby transgxrl, and a enbie lesbian, the lesbi-

tremely desirable, and more feminine than any other an community needs to show [more] validation toracial counterpart3. I am Filipinx; South East Asian.

wards those who are both non-binary and lesbians. I

There aren’t gendered pronouns in Tagalog so I

have gotten a lot of hassle from cis lesbians and

grew up watching my mom adjusting to English.

been told many times that I am not a real lesbian

“Wash the dog! Her/ she/ he/ him/ it/ they are track-

since I don`t fully identify as a womxn. I know that I

ing mud!” I would hear them shout each week. Gen- am valid as a lesbian so I just don’t let those views der can be confusing to talk about, especially be-

affect me, and the enby community needs to be

cause my mom acknowledged that they took on my

more welcoming of nb lesbians a well,” says Evee

father’s role (I’ve called them momdad), everyone in Sams, a lesbian, polyamorous, agender, trans gxrl. the house did all the chores, both parents made all

the money and went to school.

I would really like to say to the TERFS is how does it feel to be cis? Was your first word pink or blue? Af-

Assimilation is forced onto my, and probably any,

ter sharing a post involving one of Sophie Labelle’s,

ethnic first-generation experience in America. When a trans comic artist from Montreal, Canada comics7, you4 come up with pink pussy hats and police-

I shut down.

sanctioned parades, accept my skepticism of sharing my gender experience. Think of how your (white) The same person that declared “everyone is nonancestors destroyed all of my historical records,

binary, fuck gender roles” gave me comments of dis-

gave us European beauty standards, changed our

comfort regarding transwomen entering women’s

languages, took our country, and then the less-

bathrooms. That discomfort tells me they believe in 7

nothing but what (may be) between anyone’s legs.

the street.

Kind of like a misogynist...? No; putting on makeup, nail polish, and wearing dresses doesn’t make me “feel more like a woman” as they would put it, but I don’t believe that all you need to do to be a woman is having a vagina.

1

demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identifyas-demisexual 2

They continued. “Trans women get attention in me-

https://www.bustle.com/articles/155277-what-does-

https://variety.com/2016/tv/opinion/tv-deaths-walking-

dead-the-100-arrow-1201751968/

dia as opposed to trans men. Think about it”. Internally, I scream “America doesn’t value anything it

3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS2jGfW5aOE

determines feminine,” so stories of transwomen

4

https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/before-you-celebrate

mean acceptance of femininity under patriarchy.

-the-zero-arrests-at-the-womens-

Whether it’s someone performing roles, presenta-

march_us_588617e4e4b0e3a7356a3ee4

tion, or work, our existence8 is rebellion, and deserves notoriety.

I was eventually told “it’s not just western society that’s taken part in imperialist/ colonial action, capi-

5

https://www.aswangproject.com/lets-discuss-transgender

-pre-colonial-philippines/ 6

https://filipinawomensnetwork.org/epahayagan/did-you-

know-pre-colonial-philippines-longstanding-tradition-of-

talism functions to profit off of oppressing you”. I can’ women-leadership-and-mysticism t help but think of them applauded themselves at their computers they bought with money, wearing

7

Assigned Male Facebook page | bit.ly/sophie-comic

8

https://www.them.us/story/weve-always-been-nasty

shoes they bought with money, drinking Mountain Dew they bought with money. They’ve only told me they have given up fighting and the system needs to change.

“Feminine” means different things to everyone.

When I lay down, it looks like I have hips sometimes.

I’m fooling myself looking at my butt, but at least in heels I believe I have one. I’m constantly relearning acceptance and forgiveness. You’re not perfect, and I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. Or a hook shot.

Or a… hook-up shot. I’m learning how to distribute my energy, to laugh, to see myself as gorgeous and intelligent and soft. So for the umpteenth time, yeah, it’s a part of Asia, yeah that tank would look cute on

me, and yeah- I want to hold hands walking down 8

Summer Camp and Being Yourself, While Non-Binary

By Danny McLaren (they/them) Kids always seem a little confused by me. I'm a

discomfort, but I still kept my gender identity as low-

camp counsellor, so I'm around them all day, every-

key as possible for the better part of the summer.

day, but they still can't seem to figure out what

Having those who had just met me assume I was a

they're looking at. I can't blame them- they're young, girl wasn’t out of the ordinary for me. Not talking they're still learning, and, most importantly, they've

about gender has always been easier for me, rather

been raised to treat the gender binary as fact.

than having a potentially uncomfortable (or, in the

Through socialization - school, daycare, family learn- worst case, violent) conversation. It was bearable. ing - they've been taught that certain cues mean someone is a boy or a girl. So, when the little ones

That is, until campers began to ask questions about

see me, short hair, typically-masculine attire, but a

my gender. They were innocent questions; young

female-coded body and voice, they don't know quite minds curiously trying to place me in one of the two what to make of me. I understand it's new to them,

categories they knew of and having difficulty, so opt-

so I take no offense, but I do take the time to ex-

ing to ask outright rather than get it wrong. But it

plain, which is usually prompted by them asking "are confronted me with a difficult situation. I felt caught you a boy or a girl?"

between telling these kids the messy truth that, for

some, gender wasn’t as binary as they were taught it This isn't my first time working with kids, but it is my

to be, and giving an untrue, uncomfortable answer,

first time attempting to answer this question. Last

by picking a binary gender for myself that was incor-

summer, I wasn't as open about my gender as I am

rect. I was given a choice in those moments, to con-

now. I had started this new job after a pretty shaky

tinue to live with the unfortunate assumption my co-

end to my life in high school, and I worried that being workers had made, or to correct it, and shape how non-binary would instantly other me among these

these children saw me.

new people and prevent me from having the normal work environment I desired. So, I decided not to tell

This is not a choice that adults usually give me - I’m

anyone on my staff team or my supervisors. I never

nonconsensually labeled a binary gender based on

explicitly stated I identified as female, but being

the arbitrary “gendered” traits I possess before I am

AFAB was enough for my co-workers to assume I

given the opportunity to tell them how I identify and

was when I felt unable to say otherwise.

how I would like to be referred to. This choice was a gift.

We were a primarily female-identified group, all but me and a cis male counselor who didn’t seem to be

The first step I took that summer to reclaim my right

all that interested in team bonding. Because of that,

to identify outside the gender binary was to refuse to

it became a girl-focused summer. It was a lot of

answer. I was the authority figure to these six-year

“good morning, ladies!,” “girl power,” and a group

olds, I was allowed to keep any information I wanted

chat called “Camp Gals.” This brought me immense

a secret. I became an expert in giving non-committal 9

answers or shrugging continuously until they got

my correct pronouns. But, once again, the kids were

bored of asking. The best thing about kids is that,

a different story.

after a while, their patience wears thin and they move on to the next, more interesting thing. But the

Questions about my gender began the first week of

questions returned, and not always the same kids

the summer, but this time I was ready. While being

were asking, either. A majority of my campers still

as clear as I could manage to be without using com-

wanted to know, earnestly, desperately, if I was a

plicated terminology that I was positive they hadn’t

boy or a girl.

been taught yet, I began to explain, one conversation at a time, what it meant to be non-binary.

I don’t lie to kids about things that matter. I tell white lies, but never anything big. If I can’t tell the truth, I

The kids have been, for the most part, so wonderful-

deflect, but I try my hardest not to lie to kids. They

ly receptive. I use the term “half boy, half girl” a lot,

trust adults so completely, so it feels wrong and

and though this is a bit overly simplistic when it

downright dangerous to lie to them. Over the course comes to my gender, it’s a good place to start, and of that summer, I grew tired of withholding my truth

something that seems to make sense to most of the

from these kids. My non-committal answers shifted

campers I speak with. I’ve taught some of the older

from, “I don’t know” to, “Not everyone is a boy or a

kids how to use they/them pronouns for me, as has

girl,” and transformed from dismissal into opening up my Camp Director, and had some of the younger the conversation about gender.

ones excitedly announce to their group that they’d just learned their counselor wasn’t a boy or a girl. It’s

That summer ended with me telling my supervisors I a learning experience for us all, for me in selfwasn’t cis, just in case any parent was less than

advocacy, for the kids outside the binary.

pleased about the new information. As far as I know, I didn’t receive a single complaint.

For me, summer camp taught me independence, and the ability to cope with my own emotions from a

I went into this summer more confident in my identi-

young age. I attended an all girls summer camp, and

ty. Riding the high of an incredibly affirming first year though I no longer identify as a girl myself, the mesat university, I jumped into work knowing that I de-

sages of body positivity, self-acceptance, and

served respect and not being shy about demanding I strength in the feminine aspects of myself helped

be given it. Right out of the gate, in some of the first

shape my childhood and remain with me today.

emails I sent my new Camp Director, I let him know how I identified, and that I used they/them pronouns. Camp allows children to live away from their parent/ guardians for the first time, or at least spend the day He was nothing short of wonderful, and made it clear away in an environment that is less structured than to me that any transphobia from our staff team or

the average school day. It puts emotional and be-

unwillingness to use my correct pronouns would not

havioral self regulation to the test, navigating inter-

be tolerated. And, after a few awkward weeks of re-

personal relationships and conflicts. It rewards suc-

minding and, in some cases, teaching my co-

cesses in the form of positive affirmations and praise

workers how to use they/them pronouns, everyone

from counselors, and it softens the blow of failures,

had figured it out and fallen into the habit of using

as camp is often a more risk-free environment than 10

school. The primary goal at summer camp is to have camp activities alongside workshops on the topics of

fun.

“exploring identity, issues of oppression/privilege, youth coalition building, social justice, and more.”

However, the first thing we tell the kids at camp

They boast a commitment to social justice, and work

when we begin each new session and start going

to educate, engage, and empower campers through

over the rules, is that you can’t have fun at camp if

workshops and the formation of a “socially-just,

you aren’t safe. This mostly refers to not hitting other youth-empowered camp community.” campers or wandering away from the group, but I can’t help but feel it applies to the safety that having There are fledgling camps, like the Seattle Nonbiyour gender identity respected and affirmed by your

nary Collective and Queer Scouts Seattle’s Enby

peers and counselors gives you. Summer camp

Camp, an all non-binary camping trip going into its

should strive to provide campers with this kind of

second year. The weekend is designed to be as ac-

safety, too, and fortunately, some already do.

cessible as possible, both financially and physically.

I am glad to see the success Enby Camp is having,

Specialized and/or LGBTQ+-centric summer camps

and can only hope that its success means that similar

provide a validating and empowering environment

camps can find success around the world.

for kids to explore their gender and sexuality. Surrounded by members of their community, young

Summer camp, for many kids, is an escape from the

queer and trans campers experience camp in its

monotony and expectation that school brings. It’s a

purest form, unsullied by the discomfort of being

place for self-discovery, flourishing independence, and

misgendered or forced into compulsory heterosexu-

building relationships that can last a lifetime. However,

ality (in the form of camp “hookup culture”).

These summer camps come in many shapes and forms. There are short four or five day leadership retreats like the University of Alberta Faculty of Education’s Camp fYrefly, which helps build participants’, “leadership potential and personal resiliency

the positive benefits and warm fuzzy feelings of a summer spent away from home can only happen if campers (and staff) feel like their identities are being respected by their peers.

Camp is for everyone. Ensuring there are options for gender non-conforming kids to go to camp, form connections with other children their age, and do so in a

in an effort to help them become agents for positive

safe environment- whether that means a specialized social change in their schools, families, faith groups, camp for LGBTQ+ kids, or a local day camp with staff and communities.” The camp prioritizes arts activiwho are accepting and willing to learn about gender

ties, like drama, dance, creative writing, and visual

identities they may be unfamiliar with - means that no

art, and anti-oppression and social issue based pro- kid gets left out. graming.

There are longer camps like Camp Ten Trees, based on Washington State. The camp runs multiple one and two week sessions in the summer, and one weekend session in the spring for campers ages eight to seventeen. Ten Trees offers typical summer 11

The Body—A Storme’s Legacy

By Alex Chen We are a community of QTPOC (queer & trans people of color) martial artists who foster an intersectional, trauma-informed, and anti-fascist culture of training. Our goal is to support, elevate, and empower fellow QTPOC and marginalized peoples physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Our first zine is entitled "The Body," it is about how we move trauma through our bodies through our martial arts training and spiritual practices. Included is a trauma-informed guide to teaching self-defense to help all martial arts practitioners and teachers to be more conscientious and inclusive.

If you would like to get involved with this budding collective of QTPOC martial artists, reach out at stormelegacy@gmail.com. People can download the zine and the self-defense guides for free or donation at https://stormelegacy.itch.io/the-body 12

Our name is based on StormĂŠ DeLarverie, a POC butch lesbian and drag king who fought off police aggressors during the Stonewall Riots. We feel her energy, power, and message are especially relevant today. Coincidentally, a few of our members are also sociopolitical activists and/or perform drag.

Our logo is a triangle for many reasons - the pink triangle was used by the Nazi regime to identify and persecute queer people during the Holocaust, and has since been reclaimed by the queer rights movement as a proud symbol. Triangles and angles are also significant in many martial arts, such as the weapons based art Eskrima from the Philippines.

13

Selected Poetry

You asked as if you'd never gotten to before Like you had stood in front of the mirror practicing

By Nova Pax Thrasher (they/them)

Hands fluttering to accentuate How utterly at ease you are Because deep down you know love Only love for me One of the few who can

And I know that you'd correct a stranger As soon as I say

"Yes It's they/them Thank you for asking"

They: A Painting Series

By Ez Johnston (they/them) “They is a painting series that genuinely portrays trans folk—these are mostly Ez’s close friends, and it shows. From a technical standpoint, you can just see the areas where they’ve put in the effort to get things just right. The movement and beauty that is captured within the frame makes you feel like these characters are real.

They transcend the canvas. Ez is the next Rae Senarighi (aka @transpainter on Instagram) already maturing, already pushing the brush where it needs to go, already showcasing their community.”

-Leif Gifford, Editor-in-Chief, ENBY Magazine 14

Hayden, they/them 15

Starr, they/them 16

More Than One Thing: A Roundtable Discussion about Intersectional, Non-Binary Identities Moderated by Cadyn Cameron (they/them, he/him); in conversation with: J Aprileo (they/them), Jessica Leung (they/them), and Gale Collins (they/them, xe/xem).

Cadyn is an autistic, bisexual, non-binary transmasc indi-

logues of their own stories, business, and social commu-

vidual. They just graduated university with a Bachelor of

nities.

Arts degree in English-Writing with a minor in Sociology.

They write (sometimes) angsty poetry about their experi-

Gale is a disabled nonbinary university student. Xe is

ences with gender and sexuality as well as growing up in

studying Women's Gender & Sexuality Studies. They as-

a small town, feminism, and other topics. They hope to go pire to be a trans, queer, and disability informed counseon to grad school for Sociology and study LGBT topics as lor. Their goal is to create a space where trans, queer, well as social movements and/or media. You can follow

and disabled people can seek help without having to ex-

them on Twitter at @cadyn_cameron.

plain or convince their counselor of their identity. You can follow xem on Twitter at @sleepyjuniper.

J is a nonbinary fat activist and the founder of comfyfat.com. Over on Comfy Fat, J is dedicated to sharing

What are some things you experience as some-

experiences and resources related to fat accessibility and one who is non-binary and has these other idenintersecting identities. They write about everything from tities that others may not? where to find plus size masculine clothing options, to the complexities of internalized fatphobia and how that impacted their gender identity. They spend their time writing

J: I think it’s a unique struggle for fat non binary

articles, vlogging for the Comfy Fat youtube channel, and

folks. Our relationships with our bodies are so com-

hanging out with their adorable pups and partner Corissa

plicated as fat people, because of how society por-

of Fat Girl Flow.

trays our worth. Then add on top of that being non binary and having to sort out dysphoria and feelings

Jessica is Deaf, ENBY (non-binary), Taiwanese and Chi-

about gender…it’s a lot to process and navigate. It

nese POC (person of colour). Jessica is an emerging,

can be especially difficult when the majority of non

cultural linguistic, poet, zinemaker, visual artist, and is

binary representation we have in media are that of

curious about how movement space integrates with sign

thin people.

language. They are currently residing as a settler living on the traditional, ancestral, and unceded Coast Salish territories of the Musqueam, Tsleil-Waututh, and Squamish

Jessica: I am DeafPerson of Colour (DPOC)- Asian

peoples (Vancouver, BC). They hope to learn more from

Taiwanese and Chinese Queer Non-binary. What I

others and are deeply passionate about social justice,

experience majority of the time is being able to view

equity, their own cultures, and other perspectives. They

the world in a different lens and perception. This

are working at the for-profit social enterprise, Cascadia

means, I undergo what is visual and auditory- sound

Deaf Nation - an empowerment vehicle towards Deaf

that is differ from me. I am cultural linguistic person-

Black Indigenous People of Colour* (DBIPOC), intersec-

as a Deaf person, I strongly value visual, feelings

tionality, and with their comrades to fight injustices and

and other senses as well such as smell.

create transformation that is meaningful growth and dia-

17

Gale: I've gone through many labels in the 4 or so

then, now I just simply walk away for those who

years I've identified as nonbinary, such as demigirl,

aren’t worth my time to listen me as a human being

demifluid, and genderflux, until I settled on my cur-

and focus those who want to listen in the share em-

rent label. Right now, I identify as gendervague,

pathy. Clothing is a barrier because they are either

which is a neurogender, defined by being undefina-

the clothes that I don’t see suitable for me, it is hard

ble due to my neurodivergence. figuring out my gen- to find clothes for myself when I don’t have a lot of der has definitely been a difficult process, and if it

role models that is similar to me often in my own lo-

weren't for the internet, I don't know if I would have

cal community.

figured it out for a very long time.

Gale: The Have you come across any obstacles based on

biggest issue

your identities and, if so, how have you handled

I deal with is

them?

being believed. I've

J: Being misgendered is the greatest obstacle. It

had many

hurts so badly knowing that the world doesn’t truly

experiences

SEE me the way I want it to. I often feel burdensome

where

trying to correct folks on my pronouns. Its exhaust-

people tell

ing! Clothing is also a serious issues for the fat mas-

me neutral

culine non binary person. The plus size market is

pronouns are

already so limited, imagine trying to find clothing that

too hard, and

feels aligned with your non binary gender in a super

one self-

binary world!

identified ally interviewing

Jessica: My non-binary identity to me is in spec-

me for a project (unrelated to gender) asking if I 'was

trum, whether one day I became a boy with a little

joking" about my pronouns. I tried to come out as

hint of femininity or absolute no gender, that I want

trans to my family 3 times, and unlike the experience

to be human. However, I am strongly sometimes

of my binary trans sister, all the attempts were briefly

want to focus my masculine energy simply because

acknowledged then promptly ignored. It has only

all my life I had been struggling with the oppression

seemed to stick when I was recently accidentally

of being told and influence by other opinions for the

outed by a family friend on FB. All I can really do is sake of seeing me feminine. as how I am a Deaf per- keep going, and find the people who do believe and son, many people would assume, that Deaf people respect me for who I am. cannot enjoy life, take it for example going to sex store, I don’t know how and why they think we cannot enjoy life in extend of our own.

There is some obstacles as to coming out to the family, coming out to the community, and as well as strangers. I used to explain more than I have to back

What positive moments have you had regarding your identities?

J: When I first started using they/them pronouns and

identifying as non binary, I felt the greatest sense of 18

relief. A huge weight had been lifted off of my shoul- ing BIPOC that are willing to be comrades to DeafBI-

ders. I found where I belong. I can’t express how

POC.

magical and life changing that moment was for me.

Finally feeling like you’re living your most authentic

Gale: Going to college was the most positive experi-

self? That has to be the greatest positive moment of ence for me. The idea of coming out to most people all. was (and still is) terrifying for me, but going to a new school, and meeting people who never knew me as Jessica: My positive moments is being able to be

my deadname made it so much easier. I also was

identified as DeafPOC- Asian Taiwanese and Chi-

able to join a queer freshman group, and a trans fo-

nese, Queer Non-binary. As much as I love poetry,

cused club, for the first time since 10th grade, when

examine more of my journey, illustration on my

my school disbanded during school clubs, including

works. I am still to this day proud of being me. Be-

the GSA. Being around people in a space I would

cause I believe the potential what I do creates role

usually only be able to access online is a much

models for people to recognize and open their doors needed, relaxing feeling. to where they never been to and they are not alone.

You all do things that involve helping or educatAs well as I

ing others that are based on your identities and

am currently

how they interact with each other. What moti-

working in

vates you to tell your stories, bring awareness,

Cascadia

and work to create change?

Deaf Nation, a for-profit so-

J: I used to work in social work with impoverished

cial enterprise

youth. A lot of them where queer and trans. In fact,

business that

that’s where I was able to explore using different

empowers

pronouns and where I really learned about non bina-

Deaf Black

ry genders. I’m motivated by those youth. By the

Indigenous

next generation. I love how a lot of them view sexu-

People of Col-

ality and gender in such grey and fluid ways. I want

our (BIPOC)

our world to keep moving in that more knowledgea-

to bring and

ble and accepting direction. I hope to be a positive

discuss about

representation to other fat queer and trans people, social justice and equity when it comes to transform- as well as bring a few more allies on board. ing injustice to meaningful justice such as having bring economical Deaf BIPOC ecosystem, hiring BPOC ASL interpreters, and providing platform like Ted Talk platform into visual signing platform about their stories, their journey and who they are. We are still on the search for those people coming to us or us coming to them, DeafBIPOC and as well as hear-

Jessica: I believe, when it comes to helping and education based on my identities and how they interact, is more of being allowed to be myself more and as well as to collectively think about how critically important to have a role model and as well as lift-

ing others to know that there are people like me ex19

ist. We may have our own different journeys on how is completely okay. Those aren’t the “greatest years

we deal things. I know what I deal with and it's more of your life.” The greatest years are the ones ahead of how and when to share the stories and aware-

of you, where you care less about what people think

ness that people is willing to accept me which is why and more about finding your own self, values, and I love to do poetry, arts, chat about activism, advo-

voice.

cate and social justice and equity in a larger levels.

Jessica: If I came to my younger self, I would say Gale: What motivates me the most is trying to be

stay impeccable to your words, don’t assume things,

there for kids like me, who had to figure it out on

don’t take it personal, and always do your best.

their own, and wanting to create representation for

These four agreements that I read from “The Four

people like me. When society at large pictures a

Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

nonbinary person, it definitely doesn't look like me, a by Don Miguel Ruiz”. It is amazing small book, very chubby young person with a cane, who talks too

easy to read. It make me realize the greater sense

much about Star Trek, avoids eye contact, and twid- of the journey I am in today. Being impeccable to my dles their fingers more than normal. I want to work

words was the biggest part where I stay true to my

towards a world where a kid can tell their parents

words and true to my actions. No one will doubt me

they aren't a boy or a girl and not be met with hatred for that. As for the word freedom, I would choose and confusion, but understanding acceptance and

“liberation” over “freedom” because freedom is a

love.

price. I don’t pay for myself to be free. There is another way to be free and it comes to whether we all

If you came across your younger self, what

need to see and want it happening.

would you say to them?

Gale: I would tell them that you know yourself better than anyone, no matter what people tell you. Don't be afraid to cut people who refuse to accept you out of your life, because your life should be lived for you, not for anyone else.

J: If I came across my younger self I would tell them that they had absolutely no idea what kind of beautiful life was in store for them. I would let them know

that high school is a BUST, it’s the WORST and that 20

Natalia, they/them 21

David, they/them 22

Triple (Health) Threat: Poor, Fat, and Trans

By Jay Mac (they/them) Jay McAnallen is a baker and comedian from northern Appalachia.

I have always felt at odds with my body. I went from

It also made me question capitalism and be open to

my lightest (204lb) my senior year of high school to

being corrected on biases and bigotry I would have

my heaviest (270lb) my senior year of college, and

clung to with more conviction otherwise, including

down again another 30lb immediately after I gradu-

some of my internalized fatphobia. While I hated my

ated like a reverse Freshman 15, as though the

body for not being what I was taught was attractive, I

physical weight of stress and depression was leav-

also understood that it was a bias to unlearn.

ing along with the metaphorical.

For better and worse, fatphobia let me disappear as Like my weight, my transness has always been

a girl and then as a woman, let me hide in my body

there. As a toddler, too young for me to remember, I from most overt sexualization. Fat people are desextold everyone who listened I was a boy. When Dis-

ualized; we’re often viewed as sexless and undesira-

ney’s Hercules came out in 1997 it became “a boy

ble. I wasn’t being viewed a sexual being, so I could

named Hercules,” whose heroism and physical

reject the pressure to perform femininity and place

transformation made him aspiration in more ways

the blame on something outside of my confusion

that one. I remember the first day of kindergarten

about my gender. Being ungendered and desexual-

with clarity, getting told to stand in separate boys

ized externally because of my weight was what I

and girls lines and feeling what became a familiar

was comfortable with, and what I allowed myself to

instinctual fear of a survival decision. I went in the

have as far as deviating from a cishet existence.

girls line.

Internally, fatphobia let me ignore the questions I When considering my own history I’m always drawn

had about my gender and sexuality, letting them fes-

to that moment. I don’t think about the hypotheticals, ter and turn into problems. I called dysphoria “feeling

like “what if I insisted on staying in the boys line?”

fat” and not confronting my sexuality “no one would

However, I do think about it as the place I can trace

want to date you anyway.” I could put off confronting

my separation from society. If anything radicalized

my queerness by leaning into fat self-hatred. Being

me, it was being confronted by what I felt to my core fat let me take up space in a way being a girl did not at age seven was arbitrary and unfair.

though, gave me some freedom to live outside of femininity, and for that I accepted all the dysfunction

From that point, the world was known to me as

that came with it. It wasn’t a solution, but it was the

wrong and cruel, which created anger and distrust

only path for me to take at the time.

with no clear target. It led me to self-isolate and def-

initely exacerbated my family history of depression.

My family was poor, rural and white, otherwise 23

known as the ‘New York Times’ opinions section tri-

trans. I am where the streets of the triple threat

ple threat. My parents are fundamentalist, evangeli-

meet. I’m scared to even look at the cost of T be-

cal, creationist Christians. When I was a kid they

cause I know I have no way to afford it and I can’t

claimed to be nonpartisan but that’s changed to a

use my parent’s insurance for it. I kick myself for

hardy conservatism over the past decade, which

wasting money on a binder I never use, swept up by

correlated with the switch from analog TV, which got the idea of a flat chest that no amount of spandex PBS and nothing else, to a digital receiver that al-

can realistically create on my body.

lowed my father to watch exclusively Fox News.

My weight makes any surgery more dangerous. My So, there very few ways I am allowed come out and

fatphobia makes me think top surgery would look

keep my parents. The intersection of class, queer-

unnatural, or I haven’t earned it yet - as if there’s a

ness, and being trans is a scary place. One in five

goal weight. There’s some physical standard that,

trans people has experienced homelessness and

once I reach, then I’ll really be nonbinary (or, at least

we are four times more likely to live in poverty.

that perfectly androgynous, skinny and flat-chested

There is a constant fear when you’re poor and trans, stereotype). Only then will it be worth it to alleviate and it’s a fear for your basic survival. I haven’t come my dysphoria, which I still could not afford. So, what’ out to my parents because I’m not sure how well I

s the point?

could survive without that safety net.

The thought of crowdfunding makes me feel guilty. I Growing up poor in America also means struggling

haven’t earned it (fat) and I’m lazy (fat). When I im-

to eat food that’s not only healthy but doesn’t active- agine my post-surgery, on-T body, it’s muscular, ly destroy your brain and body. My mom made us

masculine, and gloriously healthy, a Herculean im-

dinner every night and we ate out very little, but

age that reveals the fact that I hate this body in more

there was no possibility of feeding a family of seven

ways than one.

unprocessed, organic food every day.

There is still some ways to go in untangling my dysThe sugar and additives in the food I still eat be-

phoria from my internalized fatphobia, and it can feel

cause of this is not just nostalgic or familiar, but

overwhelming to be caught in the middle of recog-

chemically imprinted onto my brain like a drug and

nizing the problems and accessing the solutions. But

makes it much more difficult, physically, to lose

there’s comfort in knowing that I’m not in this alone,

weight. In America, being healthy is a privilege and

that I’m part of a huge and diverse community of

having access to healthcare at all, let alone for gen-

trans people, who are from where I’m from and have

der affirming surgery, is an ongoing fight.

been through what I’m going through, and that the issues I’m facing don’t come solely from me and

It feels like everything is lined up to keep me from

can’t be solved solely by me.

medically transitioning or even presenting how I

want, a compounding, toxic mix of poor and fat and 24

I Contain Multitudes: How Gender is Complex, and Beautiful

By Roo Issac McClay (they/them) Nearly twenty six years ago, a seemingly healthy

war-torn landscape to you before you ever under-

baby girl was born. Well, at least half of that is right.

stood gender was a thing, how do you think that

I was most definitely born, I was certainly a baby,

would influence you?

but as it turns out, I wasn't as healthy as first thought. I wasn't as girl as they first thought, either.

Disabilities can often leave you so divorced from your body that it can take years to recognise that the

My disability was the first thing to break those pre-

feelings you’re having aren't just body-related,

conceptions. From the age of three or four, I was in

they’re gender-specific.

and out of the hospital so much that I would get personal Christmas and birthday cards from staff, once, My transition has been different from most afab folk even a small birthday cake when I had to have an

in that my body started growing a beard before I'd

operation for hearing problems around my sixth

even realised I was trans. Because of being bedrid-

birthday.

den for a period after my mother's death around my twenty first birthday, I was unable to properly groom

At the age when other kids were learning to read,

myself, as I usually plucked hairs as they grew in-

write, and do math, I was learning how X-Rays and

stead of shaving.

MRIs worked so I wouldn't be afraid of them. Like most children, I had a fear of needles; unlike most, I

One day, I caught a glimpse of myself in the bath-

had to have blood tests at least once a month. It

room mirror. My world was unravelling. I liked how I

eventually became so traumatic that they would

looked with this thing that was not woman. This thing

have to regularly sedate and physically restrain me.

that changed the shape of my face outlined my jaw in a more masculine way.

I could write a book filled with moments like that

from my childhood where decisions were made for

Things certainly weren't helped by the fact that

me where my agency was stripped from me. That

whenever I went to the doctors I had to spend ap-

kind of regular occurrence at such a developmental

pointments educating on trans issues that we rarely

stage in my life left me disassociating to cope. I

got to discuss my more pressing physical health

would flee from my body in horror. I became a mas-

matters. It got to the point where they asked me if

ter in escaping myself distancing myself from what

perhaps this “gender confusion” was because of my

was happening to me. My body was never me, I was history of mental health problems. so much more than this “broken” vessel.

My life isn't all bad. I have a wonderful partner, who

I don't tell you this for pity. I am sick of pity. I tell you cares and understands the hardships and pains I go for context. If your body has always been an alien,

through, to some extent. She too is trans and, like 25

me, she is disabled. We have been together for sev- Where then might you find this statistic? Would it en years, and we both came out as trans within a

surprise you to know it can be found in methodology,

year of each other; her first, bravely taking the first

second to last page, second to last bullet point. Not

step and helping me along the way.

only is it practically hidden but does nothing to tell us of the kinds of disabilities that affect our community

When she tried seeking a formal diagnosis for D.I.D

no mention of whether these are physical, mental, or

(Dissociative Identity Disorder, an often misrepre-

both.

sented mental condition), she was told by her specialist in no uncertain terms that if she contin-

I was more hopeful looking to the USA, since I’d

ued trying for a diagnosis, they would have to halt

heard a lot about the Trans Equality Survey (2015).

her transition progress. This was something they

[I thought] There had to be a least a few questions

knew she had been on the waiting list for nearly a

about disability, because this thing is two hundred

year and was desperate to get started.

and seven pages long. Throughout, there are large walls of text, lots of repeated information and facts

She made the decision to stop pursuing the diagno-

whose context are hidden within these huge walls of

sis because gender affirmation was life-or-death at

text.

that point for her. She should not to have been made to choose between a diagnosis and her transi- It took me far too long to find some key facts, such tion.

as: 39% of respondents indicated that they had one or more disabilities as described in the ACS com-

I did some research to see what the stats were and,

pared to 15% for the national average; When asked

much like other areas of disabled life, there are very if they had had at least one negative experience with few solid recent statistics.

medical professionals in the last year, 42% of those who responded yes were disabled; Disabled folk

The most recent and somewhat solid study into

(59%) were nearly twice as likely to currently be ex-

trans folk is the Stonewall Trans Report (2017), I say periencing psychological distress compared to their somewhat solid as a closer examination of the meth- abled counterparts (31%); and 13% of respondents odology shows that the informations comes from a

were not currently employed due to disability.

survey that was aimed at the wider LGBT communi-

ty (5,375). While it does give the sample size for the Overall these statistics, at the very least, highlight trans/nonbinary folk (871), it doesn't specify whether the need for specific study of the intersections bethe following stastic applies to only the trans/non

tween trans/non-binary issues and the disabled

binary folk or for the wider community survey simply community. that “51% of respondents are disabled.�

In the EGALE CHRT (Canada Human Rights Trust, This statistic by the way if about the trans/nonbinary 2017) recommendations, it specifically states that respondents, would reasonably be expected to be

Canada doesn't have statistics relating to disabled

front and centre in the section of the report labelled

folk for any part of the queer community, much less

key findings because 51% is a pretty sizable chunk.

trans or non-binary specifics, instead they rely on older USA statistics. This is disappointing but not 26

surprising and even expected after all my research.

social media, why not ask us? Ask the families of the children or better yet ask the children, believe it or

I decided to run an informal Twitter (@roo_b_arts)

not they can tell you themselves because they have

poll as there were so few solid facts out there. I kept voices of their own. Same as every other kid, just it to one question as simply put as possible just to

like disabled adults.

see if my experiences tracked with others in the community. “Has at any time someone insinuated or It's the same assumption again and again and outright stated that your transness is a result of your again. Frankly it's exhausting. Disabled trans folk disability (physical or mental)?”

know our minds and just like you, we have our own agency, our own right to explore our identities so

In the space of thirty six hours, I received two hun-

long as it harms no one else. Take the time to get to

dred and ninety eight responses, along with dozens

know us and educate yourselves on the facts that

of folk reaching out with their personal stories. Of

trans rights are intrinsically tied to disability rights.

those two hundred and ninety eight people to respond, 77% of them said yes. In what I thought was

Ask yourself what have you actively done recently to

far too short a time to get any sort of decent sample

educate yourself and those around you? Think

size, two hundred and three people responded yes.

about the ways you can make disabled people of all

Let that sink in for a moment.

ages feel more comfortable in exploring their gender? Most importantly how have you helped protect

Why do you think you know our minds better than

disabled people rights to self determination?

we do?

There are articles posted recently in the British press Here are some wonderful non-binary folk who have that echo this bizarre habit that abled society has of

been invaluable in my own education and I would

thinking they know us better than we know our-

highly recommend following on Twitter.

selves. For those of you less familiar with the British press, for the past year at least, have been running

@annieelainey, @punnysamosa, @anamardoll,

scaremongering stories about trans folk, dressed up @dominickevans as public debate and opinion pieces.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6838299/150-autistic These stories usually are picked up off of social me- -children-sex-change-drugs-nhs-not-transgender/ dia, usually when a journalist has done very little research and fallen for TERF (Trans Exclusionary

https://twitter.com/roo_b_arts/

Radical “Feminist”) propaganda and can run the

status/1021075948572233728?s=19

gamut from calling trans folk pedophiles and violent to the latest attempt to discredit the community claiming that autistic children are being given sex change drugs. This is simply not true. Google is free.

Instead of relying on word of mouth and gossip off of 27

Rethinking Pronoun Declarations

By Wandile Dlamini (they/them)

The standard practice for events that claim to be inclusive is to ask its attendees to walk around with a sticker of their pronouns. But in a country with eleven official languages, do pronoun declarations even make sense? And are these declarations helping or harming the way we organise spaces?

January 2018 marked the first Queer Feminist Film

top two spots3 are isiZulu, followed by isiXhosa, in

Festival1, the first festival of its kind in Cape Town,

terms of the languages with the greatest amount of

South Africa. As I entered Isivivana Centre, Khaye-

first language speakers is. Nguni languages that do

litsha2, a team of organisers recorded our names,

not have gendered pronouns.

emails, then handed us a meal ticket for the complimentary lunch. The last stop of registration was a

So, for the vast majority of South Africans, who are

cheerful person with a permanent maker and stick-

often bi/tri-lingual or multilingual, our lives are not

ers, greeting me with a smile and a seemingly sim-

wholly conducted in English. Casual conversations

ple question: "What are your preferred pronouns?"

often feature a littering of languages; beginning a

A few attendees were confused - not by how to answer the question; but, rather, confused by the kind of question it was. Many attendees simply hadn't had this question posed to them.

The idea of pronoun declarations, and the campaign to normalise them, emerged from transgender communities in the U.S. , where English is the primary language - a language that has gendered pronouns.

This contrasts to South Africa , where there are eleven official languages. English lags behind at fourth place with the most mother tongue speakers. The

sentence in English and concluding in isiZulu is not an anomaly. English is the administrative and business language, but it is not the language that the overwhelming majority would default to.

Thus, English finds its stronghold in metropolitan areas such as Johannesburg and Cape Town, but its use as a primary language is concentrated in rich (and predominantly white) suburban areas. This has ben designated through Apartheid spatial planning, which is still very evident in the racial demographics of area Khayelitsha, the location of this film festival, which is a township on the outer skirts of Cape 28

Town. An area designated as black by the Apart-

heid government, Khayelitsha remains a solely black area where isiXhosa is spoken.

So, the request for a pronoun declaration was naturally seen as strange [in this context ]. isiXhosa does not have gendered pronouns. This, however, does

tendees exceed 100 people in Azania House .

The chairperson opened the meeting by asking for a pronoun round4, meaning going around in the circle and everyone would state their name and pronouns.

Just like the Queer Feminist Film Festival, there were muffled whispers of confusion.

not mean that Nguni languages and cultures are absent of gendering - these cultures just don't use pro- As my turn neared, I felt my heart beat faster in my nouns as a gendering mechanism.

chest. By this stage, I was only one of two transgender people who still bothered to subject

The more seasoned queer event attendees answered the question with ease, declaring either with a "she", "he" or "they", stuck on their sticker and continued to mingle. This is not the first time I've experienced pronoun declarations failing .

During late 2015 - and the year of Rhodes Must Fall - a decolonial student movement that emerged from the University of Cape Town. By October 2015, another branch of fallism (the overarching name given to the political ideology) began, named Fees Must Fall, calling for the end of financial exclusionary practises at South African universities. The structure of the leaderless movement was simple: decisions were made via a forum-style meeting, called plenary, in which ideas are debated.

After the constant barrage of police brutality, we

themselves to the psychologically violent space of the fallist meetings.

"Do I say 'she' because that's what everyone thinks my pronoun should be; or do I say 'they' and expose that I'm trans?"

This meeting was filled with strangers who shared broad politics; I did not know what the people around me thought or felt about trans people. Was this space safe for me to share that I am trans?

In this context, was the pronoun declaration round necessary? With such a large room of attendees

where it's almost impossible for everyone to commit these pronouns to memory, what does the pronoun round serve other than to create inner conflict for those trans people who do not pass for their true gender?

convened a regional, Western Cape meeting amongst the fallists from various universities to de-

The pronoun declaration round which was [surely]

cide on a province-wide way forward . The at-

invented to normalise asking for pronouns5 and 29

sought to make trans people be more included, but it not forced. Avoid the spoken pronoun round - the failed during that meeting in 2015.

The issue with pronoun declarations is that it potentially places the very people it seeks to affirm in

best way of doing this is to rather avail a marker and stickers for attendees to choose for themselves if they'd like to stick their pronouns on their chest.

harm’s way - the declaration is a sure-fire way of

Ask yourself about how intimate or exposed your

forcing trans people either out themselves, or to ac-

event is: for a big meeting with many attendees, shy

tively misgender themselves by declaring the ex-

away from a verbal pronoun round. Don't ask for

cepted pronouns one would assume they'd use.

pronoun declarations to a space where you don't

I do not pass6 for my actual gender (non-binary); I am consistently read as a cisgender woman. So,

explain its necessity or where the necessity is already understood.

when it's my turn to declare my pronoun and I say

For cisgender people, it's important to strive to be a

"they", I have exposed that I am transgender. Or I

good ally, but this takes being a critical thinker. Es-

could be forced to declare that I use "she/her" pro-

pecially as South African organisers we need to

nouns and thus actively misgender myself. Where-

think more critically about how we organise space to

as, without the pronoun declaration round, I can

make it friendly and inclusive for all.

leave this aspect of myself ambiguous.

1

https://www.facebook.com/QueerFeministFilmFestival/

2

https://www.google.com/maps/place/Isivivana+Centre/

3

https://businesstech.co.za/news/general/104497/the-

The issue with continued emphasis on pronouns as validation is the mistake that many believe that gendering is a process that's solely based upon pronouns and language. While language is a powerful

most-spoken-languages-in-south-africa/

tool with which we shape ourselves and how others

4

see us, there's a failure on the part of cisgender

round-etiquette/

people to see transgender people beyond training

5

themselves to use the correct words.

pronoun-privilege 6

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/pronoun-

https://psmag.com/social-justice/good-allies-check-their-

What Does "Passing" Mean within the Transgender

Community? | HuffPost – bit.ly/trans-passing

Should pronoun declarations be cancelled? No. But the way we use them needs more careful consideration. Ensure that your pronoun round is opt in and 30

It’s Complicated

By Rhizome Syndrigast Coelacanth Flourishing (X/X. They/Them) Rhizome Syndrigast Coelacanth Flourishing is a Toronto-based 50 year old, radically anti-authoritarian, critically intersectional feminist, rogue theoretician, visual artist, parent, blerd, empath and all-round misfit who has been organizing, writing, publishing and sometimes performing since the early 90's. You can support Rhizome on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/RhizomeSyndrigastCoelacanthFlourishing/

What is my gender? What are my pronouns?

I gave a brief version of the truth in one of the new trans groups I had joined. It's another whitedominated group. I'm feeling okay there. It is necessary for white folx in the group to realize that their identities as white and trans are a whole lot more complex, with an older history than they bother to claim.

Often I don't come to white trans dominated spaces to bond or get support. Until folx see themselves in their entirety, intersectionally, they will not be able to see me well enough to support me. I'll never really know who I was meant to be according to the peoples I come from.

There are no right words to help me triangulate who I would have been before Contact brought white europeans, the ancestors of present day white trans "The gender and pronouns I use come right out of folx, and their fucked up doctrine of the Binary. They what Malcolm X taught about language and naming murdered the ways of my ancestors. They insisted being avenues of colonization for us descendants of on forcing new ways, their ways, their beliefs, their the Black Holocaust aka the Maafa. He said that the religion, their clothes, all putridly infused with their last name he had been given - Little - was actually Binary, down the throats of my ancestors, until there the last name of the slave owner who kept his anwas no room to describe anything about us or who cestors in bondage. we'd been.

He did not know the name, the family or tribal name (s) of his African ancestors. So in defiance and consciousness he chose X.

White trans folx: The epic misgendering, used to help colonize the minds, spirits, words, identities, self concepts of millions of Africans, some of whom survived and gave birth to me, is part of the legacy I remember. I understand. of white domination; part of your inheritance, part of the reason why you have had precious self exploraThere are links to be made, a story, a history, a heition space, many/most Black folx, the ones you refer nous act must be described because it holds the seto as cis and regularly threaten to harm, don't have. crets of my names. My ancestors had languages.

They had homes, spiritualities, tribes, rites of pasOur space to claim, to articulate gender as we saw sage, notions of what it meant to exist and Be in the and understood it was taken away by your white cis world. ancestors bent on uniforming and owning the world.

They had words, whole lexicons of meaning. They had values linked to the flesh and spirit combined.

Gender was not a word they would have known or used.

Gender comes out of the language and values of the folx who bought and sold them, attacked them, murdered them, dumped them overboard to be eaten by sharks, raped them, bred them like cattle and hated them.

Gender as a word, as a concept, comes out of the experience and perceptions of the folx who colonized my ancestors. Often, I choose to be present in trans group spaces because I want to tell the story and have white trans folx finally realize who (else) they are.

What is my gender? Complicated. What are my pronouns? Unknown. I use X to mark the spots where the answers should have been.

Because my memory of the story of why I am here but cannot speak the truths of who I am cuts me to the core and makes me cry and rage everytime I write this out in groups such as this, I usually tell folx I'm an Enby, pronouns they, them, their.

Sometimes I will risk breaking my heart open to let folx peer in and see where the memory of a scarcely remembered or understood part of my ancestors' story lies in waiting to be given voice.

Today is such a day.�

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Leonids

By Fira (they/them, he/him)

When did I first realize I was queer?

The same moment I learned there was a word for it That meant not everyone was like me Not all little girls fell for other little girls when the light were out and the summers were hot

And her face looked a lot like someone I could love I thought maybe if I made starry eyes at kids that didn’t look like me That was all it took to be normal Those same stars flying over the heads of every other beautiful face just seemed to go without saying At least, No one ever seemed to talk about it I was well into my teens before I had the words to describe my nature And the path I was on continued to split Inviting me down a rabbit hole of identity that should never have been mysterious to begin with When did I realize I was trans?

When someone on the internet told me I had to be Until then I had only ever understood myself in a series of not quites and that’ll dos A mishmash of sirs and ma’ams With a deep grey penumbra of nothing at all I guess not all little girls are little boys sometimes Little not anythings sometimes How was I to know?

When did I learn I was queer?

How did I learn I was queer,

When properly formatted affections choke every billboard 32

TV show radio station And the faces that loved like me were absent at best Or worse coded into villainous bodies Made to teach me how to hate myself

How was I to learn I was queer When I could not be my boyfriend’s boyfriend until we were in the elevator where no one could see us When I could only be fractions of myself Easier to swallow in bits and pieces How did I ever learn I was queer?

How did I ever realize there was a word for it?

I was taught by people like me.

Little girls that fell for other little girls

Souls in heat Leonids overhead I became part of the constellation Even while we were being swept under the rug But they could not hold us there Could not teach us to be alone When we are already professionals We plied a new trade, the art of being family Honed the skill of being proud Opened book shops and dance clubs Made enough noise to call everyone home How did I learn I was queer?

Who taught me I was trans?

We did 33

jefferydraws.com | @jefferytheartist 34

Words of Encouragement

By Cris Evergreen (they/them) I realized I was non-binary two years ago when I took a 6 week gender-separated required course in college. I could’ve chosen the male class, but that didn’t feel comfortable, so I chose the female class. I didn’t feel comfortable there either. It didn’t feel good to be constantly referred to as one of the ladies, girls, or women. I was simply not like all those I was surrounded by.

As a kid, adults identified me as a tomboy; from beyond memory I disdained wearing dresses. As a young

adult, I hoped being out and proud as bisexual, then as lesbian, would help me find a sense of belonging in my own skin, but it didn’t. I didn’t take the plunge of cutting my hair short until I met the love of my life, who made it clear they loved me for me, not for how I presented. They identified as genderqueer and through them, I learned about identifying as non-binary.

On the final day of class we gave a final group and/or individual presentations about what we learned in class. A fellow trans student inspired me by reciting his poetry about how our school could really do a better job of taking care of its trans students. I felt scared to come out but in that moment I knew my silence would be at my own peril because the school needed to know it also had non-binary students.

So I took the mic onstage and came out to everyone as a queer genderqueer with non-binary pronouns of they/them/theirs pronouns.

We married a year later in July of 2017 and

The same week my partner was out of town for a permaculture

we’ve just celebrated our 1 year wedding

design course and in class they also felt compelled to come out

anniversary. We call each other hersband,

as genderqueer and declare pronouns!

and we are actively family planning.

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Cris & Lu Evergreen “Just Married” by Beyond

Captured Photography by Shauntel Bruner

Cris coming out to the class. Photographer Gregory Matos

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