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EXT. EARTH- NIGHT? DAY? I DON'T KNOW. SPACE. The enormous sphere that is earth spins. Somber, somewhat creepy music plays. Think along the lines of Scala and Kolacny Brothers. Two gloves appear, one reading "The Sensational" and the other reading "The Factual" and pull the planet in the opposite directions. Eventually, the planet splits into two. Each hand morphs their half of the planet into a separate half of a brain (This is supposed to symbolize the left and right brain). The halves of the brain are no longer spinning. First, the camera zooms into the right half of the brain, which is morphed by the glove that reads "The Sensational." ENORMOUS WOODY ALLEN STYLE SKYLINES OF VARIOUS BORING CITIES LIKE TEMECULA CA; NOW MORPHED INTO GAUDY VEGAS-LOOKING PLACES. THEY HAVE HORRIBLE CITY SLOGANS. THEIR BILLBOARD ADS HAVE POP UP ADS. A shot inside a hospital shows a doctor reading his clipboard to a clearly terminal patient who is hooked to an IV. DOCTOR Mr. Wallingford, you applied for a a liver transplant that could save your life. If you don't receive that liver, you could be gone within the next 48 hours. The result of whether or not your donor was a match is... DOCTOR (TURNING TO THE CAMERA, RYAN SEACREST STYLE) COMING UP NEXT WEEK! THE CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL THAT THE HOSPITAL IS A GAMESHOW WITH AN ENORMOUS STUDIO AUDIENCE AND A "WHEEL OF FORTUNE." AUDIENCE (Groans) DOCTOR On "Liver of Love!" AUDIENCE (Applauds) CLOSE UP: TERMINAL PATIENT, SAD AND SOLEMN, KNOWING THAT HE IS ON THE VERGE OF DEATH.
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CUTAWAY: TO A COURT ROOM. EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM IS ON THEIR PHONE. JUDGE You have been accused of murdering your girlfriend for quote "sub-tweeting" you. How do you plead. CLOSE UP: ACCUSED MAN ACCUSED MAN (LOOKING UP FROM HIS PHONE) One second! The accused man takes an instagram of himself. He adds the caption "Selfie Sunday" ZOOM IN: ZOOM IN ON THE SELFIE ON A PERSON IN THE COURT ROOM WHO IS READING "CELEB FEET WEEKLY" MAGAZINE. ZOOM INTO THE MAGAZINE ZOOM OUT: OUT OF THE MAGAZINE, WE NOW CUT TO THE PRESIDENT IN THE OVAL OFFICE READING THE SAME MAGAZINE, AS SEVERAL JOURNALISTS ATTEMPT TO GET A STATEMENT OUT OF HIM. HIS ROOM IS CLUTTERED WITH GAUDY OBJECTS. JOURNALIST Mr. President, whats do you think of the increasingly difficult relations with Syria? All the other journalists boo the journalist asking about Syria. BACKGROUND JOURNALIST 1 Get over yourself Pete! BACKGROUND JOURNALIST 2 Ask him about things we care about, like his sex life! BACKGROUND JOURNALIST 3 Or his dog! PRESIDENT (GLANCING FROM HIS MAGAZINE) People, people, please. There are no dumb questions. Just some are dumber than others THE CROWD OF JOURNALISTS (laughs) CLOSE UP: PRESIDENT
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PRESIDENT I think of Syrian relations the same way I think about the early stages of every child star's adult career: relatively disappointing- but I still have hope, even if it's clear things will soon spiral into bleak despair. ZOOM OUT: TO THE TWO HALF BRAINS REPRESENTING THE SEPARATE UNSPINNING PLANETS. ZOOM IN: TO THE LEFT SIDE OF THE BRAIN ENORMOUS WOODY ALLEN STYLE SKYLINES OF BEAUTIFUL ARTSY CITIES, LIKE LOS ANGELES, PARIS, AND ITALY, NOW DRULL AND BLACK AND WHITE. EVERYTHING IS HELVETICA. THERE IS NO HEADLINES. THE ADS SIMPLY SAY "BUY FOOD" OR "BUY WATER." THINGS LIKE THAT. EVERYONE WEARS GREY JUMP SUITS. A SHOT OUTSIDE OF A COMEDY CLUB A shot inside of a comedy club. A "comedian" in a jumpsuit stands on the stage. No expression on his face. COMEDIAN (WITH NO EXPRESSION) Why can you not trust atoms? SHOT OF AN UNRESPONSIVE BUT ALERT AUDIENCE COMEDIAN (WITH NO EXPRESSION) They make up everything. AGREED!
AUDIENCE (IN UNISON) CUTAWAY: AN ART EXHIBIT. A GROUP OF ON-LOOKERS STARE AT A PAINTING UNIMPRESSED. TOUR GUIDE And here we have a painting of water. SHOT OF A PAINTING THAT IS SIMPLY A WHITE CANVAS WITH "H20" WRITTEN ON IT IN HELVETICA CLOSE UP: AN ONLOOKER. ON-LOOKER Is it a minimalistic statement? CLOSE UP: TOUR GUIDE. The tour guide pauses and stares blankly at the on-looker.
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TOUR GUIDE WIDE: THE TOUR GUIDE BEGINS WALKING TO THE NEXT EXHIBIT AND THE ON-LOOKERS FOLLOW IN A SINGLE FILE. ZOOM OUT: THE TWO HALVES OF THE THE BRAIN STILL UNSPINNING. A new pair of gloves comes in. They begin remorphing the two sides of the brain. The hands reconnect the two sides of the brain, making the earth on enormous brain. The brain begins spinning. The hands rotate to show the inside of their hands. The glove on the left reads "NPR Editorial:" and the glove on the right reads "For a balanced perspective." FADE OUT.