b!v_a #12
Emotional work
By Jules
“A relationship shouldn‘t feel like work. Everything should come easy. At least it shouldn’t be work in the beginning, or ever.” That was something a friend told me. It made me feel very insecure. “Oh, relationships always require work. You have to make an effort, that‘s normal.“ Another friend said to me.
like I could lose my heart. That changed when I met my lover.
I‘m a psychologist, so I should know all about emotional work, shouldn‘t I? Even worse - I‘m starting to do couples therapy. I have to be an expert in emotional work within relationships.
told me she admired our perseverance.
So, what is emotional work? There must be dealing with feelings, of yourself, of others, to understand them, to brave them, to suffer them, alone, with your friends, with your partner, your lover. So, exactly what I do for a living. “You are a terrible therapist!”, she says to me, “I wouldn’t go to you.” “Thanks a lot” I grin. When it comes to my own life, all of my knowledge and skills seem to vanish. I’m as much at the mercy of my feelings as everyone else. To make it worse, a part of me observes it and accuses me of being a failure for not being able to cope more competently. “But I wouldn’t go to any therapist, they are all awful.” she adds after a short while. ship with a woman and only my third at all. I had been in a long term relationship before in which after such a long period everything felt safe and normal. Not that there wasn’t any emotional work involved, but it never felt dangerous,
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The start of this relationship wasn’t very smooth. We are very different people, my lover and me. She is a spontaneous, outgoing sensation seeker, me an introvert who loves to plan everything right down to the last detail. We had a lot of con-
What does the emotional work involved say about the quality, the intensity and the closeness of a relationship? Is it better with more or less? Is there any connection at all? What if one person is doing the work while the other doesn‘t bother? What if both think they are doing the biggest share of the emotional work? She and I had this discussion more than once until we could see each other’s share of the work. In Mid-April, I started to feel very depressed. After meeting a genderqueer transperson at a nally had known for some time - I was the same! for some time but which proved to be as elusive ing, something solid. However when I was home and with my lover, the weight of the realization came crashing down on me. I was trans*. I started crying with grief, not for being trans, huge piece of emotional work I had done all my life, all in vain, it seemed. During that night, my lover made love to me in such a sweet and caring way. She made me feel better about my body and my mind. Afterwards I
