in the Home Emotions and Medical Trauma

By Keri Steele Founder of Little Hearts of Hope

We have all heard the phrase that cancer affects the entire family. What if that family includes young children? How much do they actually understand when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer?

When my late husband, Will, was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 33, we had three young children at home ranging in ages from 2-6. I was a stay at home mom, we had recently purchased our forever home, and I had just started homeschooling my oldest. I was 31 years old and grappling with my husband’s diagnosis.

My first instinct was to put them into therapy. I had no idea how to handle the situation on top of reeling from this news myself. Will was given 6 months to live, but by the grace of God he fought for almost 3 more years with terminal cancer. During those three years, I learned a lot from the different sources that we reached out to for help. The children were in play therapy weekly and I would join them once a month for a family session.

Is this really affecting my children?

Children are naturally self-focused and have very active imaginations. If they aren’t told what is happening with a cancer diagnosis, they will often make something up to explain it to themselves or they will push down the feelings they are experiencing because they can’t make sense of them. What they don’t understand is that those feelings will come out eventually, and usually in an unhealthy way that can be damaging to both themselves and their loved ones.

Children are incredibly intuitive and know when something is wrong. When we are open and honest with them about what is going on, in age- appropriate ways, it opens lines of communication and it builds trust within the family. These are both very important aspects in raising resilient children and empowering them to build a tool set of emotional regulation, selfconfidence, and healthy coping skills.

How can I help them cope?

Practically speaking, the first step in supporting children who have a loved one that is fighting cancer is to make sure they have an emotional vocabulary from which to work. This can be done by printing off an emotion chart. You can find them in varying degrees of complexity all over the internet. I recommend that families print out and even laminate a chart to hang in each child’s room or in a common space so that it can be revisited on a regular basis.

If we are honest, big emotions can be hard to name, even for us adults. It might be helpful for us to revisit the complex world of our emotions too! Some of the emotions most common for children in this situation include anger, loneliness, jealousy, abandonment, sadness, false guilt, embarrassment, disappointment, worry (temporary), and anxiety (chronic). Not every child will experience each of these emotions, but these are the most common.

What are the best outlets for these big emotions?

Once you understand how the cancer diagnosis in the family can affect children, the next factor in helping children overcome this trauma is to understand that children work best through play and art. Some kids do better with one or the other, and each child is uniquely different. You will only know what is best once you start experimenting with play and art activities.

Children often have trouble communicating deep emotions, especially those that are often labeled as “bad” emotions such as anger and jealousy. When children are being creative, however, whether through play or art, walls come down and suppressed emotions often come to the surface. It can give parents and therapists, if the child is seeing a counselor, an idea of what that child is struggling with.

As parents, we can often feel ill-equipped to help our children deal with such difficult topics. It may be necessary to reach out to a therapist in your area from time to time or as a regular resource, in some cases.

You don’t have to be a therapist to empathize with your child.

Parents can make a huge impact in the lives of their child just by being present and listening. Your love for your child and your presence in their time of suffering is more powerful than you know.

Time devoted to playing or creating with your child will often lead to beautifully honest conversations that allow you to speak into their hearts with love and support. One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is to remember that we can’t fix everything. We can’t protect our child from suffering in this world, but we can walk with them through it.

Consider your own relationships as an adult. Those family members and friends who sit with you when you are sad even when they can’t take away our sadness are the ones we turn to when we are suffering. Our children need our presence; it is a powerful tool!

If you would like more in-depth support during a cancer diagnosis, please reach out to Little Hearts of Hope. LHOH is a nonprofit that supports children ages 4-14 who have a parent or sibling fighting cancer. Their Hope Package Program, a free service for families digs into each of the emotions listed above with fun and creative ways to connect to your child(ren). LHOH considers it an honor to walk alongside families as they navigate cancer with young children in the home.