Holding Space

“Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term “masculinity”) is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn selfbetrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.” - Bell Hooks

“To indoctrinate boys into the rules of patriarchy, we force them to feel pain and to deny their feelings.”

- Bell Hooks

Holding Space is a visual exploration of how we can allow ourselves and each other to truly feel the spectrum of emotions: happiness, guilt, shame, melancholy, sadness and more. Holding space can be messy and complicated, but ultimately worth it, because the freedom to just be is granted.

What does the process of holding space for vulnerability and emotion look like? Perhaps first we need to allow ourselves the honesty of falling apart publicly, to normalise and change the way we view stigmatised emotions. In particular patriarchal masculinity denies many men the capacity to connect with themselves and their emotions. This also intersects with the intergenerational trauma experienced during my parents migrant and refugee experiences. For a long time, the loneliness and pain experienced in my family remains hidden to the outside world.

For a long time I have been forced to wear multiple masks to hide how I truly feel. ‘Good thanks’ and ‘yeah not bad’ become the default answers that mask the dialogue needed to occur for us to truly feel our own feelings and seek support from one another. The photos in this piece clarify relationships between large scale forces of individualised suffering and the intimate ways of being in our everyday lives to understand more about what holding space for emotional vulnerability can look like. I invite us all to shine the light of awareness upon our inner landscapes. Illuminating all the emotions inside us, and furthermore sharing that space together. Because I think that when we really listen deeply to the experiences of others, we often find ourselves standing in front of our own mirror. Feeling our feelings. Figuring out how to feel our feelings. Locating our feelings. What would they say if they could talk?

A dialogue on holding space w/ peter and chris at a cafe

C: So.. What does it mean to hold space? What does it mean to hold space for someone else?

P: I think the main thing uhhh… two main things.. The first thing... Holding space can mean a number of different things. Therefore It’s messy and complicated. It’s not something that you can just.. Uh.. like read the rules for and then carry out and you’re gonna make mistakes when you do it, and it’s not gonna be perfect. But it’s important. Second thing is it’s work… It’s like active work…

C: So it takes time to hold space or?... What do you mean by that?

P: It’s not something that.. It’s not just listening to someone. It’s also responding to what they’re saying… It’s not something that you’re taught how to do, which means you have to learn how to do it. Which means you will make mistakes or not know how to do it in the first place.

C: Do you feel like there are some people in your life that you take the time to hold space with?

P: Uuuhhhhhh nnnooooo…? I think it’s something that I recently thought about and wanted to do actively… so no.

C: So why do you think holding space hasn’t been a thing that has been created for you?

P: That’s a good question. Probably because I... didn’t have examples of how to do it. And then also probably because I was uncomfortable with what holding space meant… like feeling your emotions.

C: Why were you uncomfortable with the idea?

P: I was afraid of it being awkward. I think I was uncomfortable about the fact that I thought it was uncomfortable. So I didn't want to feel that uncomfortableness.

C: Why did you think it would be uncomfortable?

P: When I think about holding space. It’s like holding space for when you feel sad or angry or any emotion that isn’t accepted. And then because I have that idea of what holding space is, I knew that they weren’t like accepted emotions. I didn’t want to feel those. Like it's not something that I usually did so why would I... If I did hold space, then it would be sporadic.

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GenZine 19 P: When I think about holding space. It’s like holding space for when you feel sad or angry or any emotion that isn’t accepted. And then because I have that idea of what holding space is, I knew that they weren’t like accepted emotions. I didn’t want to feel those. Like it's not something that I usually did so why would I... If I did hold space, then it would be sporadic.

C: So what I wrote was about how holding space for other people is that, I feel like the way we interact with other people are external reflections of how we interact with ourselves. A reflection of our internal landscape.

P: Woww uhh

C: And i think that we need to hold space for ourselves first if we want to hold space for someone else. Because it’s through being comfortable with ourselves and our own personal histories that we create a reference point to build on that and create connections with other people.

P: So you think we have to hold space for ourselves…

C: And in many ways I am very uncomfortable with myself. There’s a lot of different parts of myself that I'm uncomfortable with.

C: And in answering a question you asked a while ago about how to hold space for difficult emotions like uncomfort…. I think you need to water the happiness and joyful seeds inside you and do happy things to have the strength to be able to process all those difficult emotions and uncomfort inside of you. Just having a good time with the people you love is important.

C: Holding space for ourselves involves being honest about our internal landscapes… sometimes when i’m not honest about how I’m feeling and I suppress that. And you don’t deal with that issue or that thing, or that way that you feel about yourself. It impacts the way you deal with other people.

So being honest about that and actually embracing those feelings and feeling those feelings. And really trying to recognise where it is that the feeling is coming from instead of just pushing it away. Or pretending it doesn’t exist like we’re so used to.

P: Everyone is working on themselves, so I think there’s a degree of uncomfortableness with themselves...