The Brunswickan, Issue 8, Vol. 154 by Brunswickan Publishing Inc

VOLUME 154, ISSUE 8, APRIL 2021

Objects of the Occult: Nine Creepy Photos With Stories You Won’t Believe! (not clickbait) UNB Students Break Time Barrier, Go Beserk, and KIdnap Old Man

Satire Issue

Editorial Policy While we endeavour to provide an open forum for a variety of viewpoints and ideas, we may refuse any submission considered by the Editorial Board to be racist, sexist, libellous or in any way discriminatory.

About us The Brunswickan, in its 154th year of publication, is Canada’s Oldest Official Student Publication. We are an autonomous student publication owned and operated by Brunswickan Publishing Inc. , a nonprofit, independent body. We are also a founding member of the Canadian University Press. Now a magazine, we publish monthly during the academic year with a circulation of 300. We publish weekly online at Thebruns.ca. @thebrunswickan

The opinions and views expressed in this publication are those of the individual writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Brunswickan, its Editorial Board or its Board of Directors. All editorial content appearing in The Brunswickan is the property of Brunswickan Publishing Inc. Stories, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the express, written permission of the Editor-in-Chief.

Front Cover “That Shit’s Crazy Bro,” by Jules Keenan

Staff Reporters Andrew McCullough Ibukun Keyamo David Bunce Creative Team Josh Vandenborre Jules Keenan Social Media Manager Emma Warwick

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief Ally Buchanan Business Manager Cameron Wiseman Ceative Director Jules Keenan News Editor Taylor Chalker Arts & Lifestyle Editor Marlowe Evans Ad Manager Curtis Brewster Multimedia Editor Josh Vandenborre Copy Editor Jack Sparks

INSIDE THIS ISSUE THE BRUNSWICKAN | VOL. 154, ISSUE 8

UNB Students Break Time Barrier, Go Berserk, and Kidnap Old Man Marlowe K. Evans

Men Who Climb Are “Just Not Looking For A Relationship Right Now” Taylor Chalker

Vaccine Abuse Propels Higgs to Historic CrossFit Victory David Bunce

UNB Scraps InPerson Classes and Announces New TinCan Class Delivery Andrew McCullough

Séances in the SUB: Recovery Report Ibukun Keyamo

Objects of the Occult: Nine Creepy Photos With Stories You Won’t Believe! (not clickbait) Marlowe K. Evans

19 3

John Smith, local gym bro, explained that he got a girlfriend during cuffing season so that he could have someone to teach him how to do his laundry since he couldn’t go back to his parents’ house over the holidays. “I am so scared that my girl is gonna want to participate in Hot Girl Summer. I mean, I don’t WANT her to be empowered and confident! I want her to be mine!”

Words by Taylor Chalker Illustration by Jules Keenan

Local students fight seasonal depression by day drinking Multitudes of young people flocked to local bars this weekend when met with temperatures over ten degrees, ensuring that they posted Instagram stories that showcased the rising temperature. Many of them were students who have been dealing with increased levels of stress and undiagnosed seasonal depression, and they had forgotten what it felt like to be happy until the sun started shining again.

Many women have reported that the trend of women supporting women has allowed them to feel better about themselves and realize that they are in horribly inadequate relationships with men that have mommy issues and don’t know how to boil an egg. “He literally looks like he can’t swim,” explained Amelia Lynn, local Hot Girl Summer enthusiast. “Like, I get that is hard to explain, but he literally just looks like if you threw him in a body of water he would just sink to the bottom. Why was I dating him?” Woman forms intense bond with cat after adopting during quarantine Danielle Stoyles, local university student, adopted a cat in October to help her avoid the fact that she was entirely alone and could not see her family due to the pandemic.

“I literally do not remember the last few months,” said Anne Collins, second-year student in the Faculty of Arts. “I literally just did school work and watched every season of RuPaul. I forgot what it was like to feel emotions other than emptiness until the temperature tipped into double digits.”

“I figured, what harm can a cat be, they basically just take care of themselves, right? Wrong,” explained Stoyles. “I literally love him so much, I cannot leave him alone for more than six hours because he is going to think I abandoned him.”

Collins spent her Monday at local hot spot Picaroons, where she saw an exciting number of dogs and sat on the ground because there were no tables available.

Stoyles explained that she initially thought that the cat would be a casual companion, but would mainly keep to itself while she completed her daily tasks of working and studying from home.

“Sure, the snow melting made the ground super wet, and I ruined my thrifted Levi’s, but I wore a T-shirt and drank an IPA in the sunshine, so literally nothing can get me down,” she explained.

“He literally has to be everywhere that I am, he sleeps on my pillow with me and sits on my desk while I work. I am obsessed with him.”

Men scared that Hot Girl Summer will ruin their relationship Local men are terrified that the popular trend, affectionately referred to as Hot Girl Summer, will ruin their relationship. 4

Stoyles is seeking help for her separation anxiety, reporting that she even ascended her second floor balcony to gain access to the apartment on a day that she forgot her keys. She sustained minor injuries – a broken wrist and some cuts and scrapes – but was grateful to be able to sleep in the same bed as her cat.

Words by Marlowe Evans Illustration by Jules Keenan

Learn to Kill Spiders with Grandma! When: April 1, 9 p.m. Where: Whittier Nursing Home (via Zoom) This nursing home is switching things up! This March Whittier Nursing Home is hosting its very first “Learn to Kill Spiders” seminar. Now, instead of asking a grandparent to kill a spider on their behalf, children are invited to join this fun Zoom activity and learn how to kill spiders themselves, all while spending quality time with seniors from the community. The link to registration for the Zoom meeting is available on the home’s website. Evil Sidekick Auditions When: April 1, 3 p.m. Where: The Tannery Watch out Fredericton, there’s a new supervillain in town! MockZorp the Benevolent is looking for a new evil sidekick, and it could be you! Auditions will be public, and MockZorp warns that anyone who displeases him may be disembowelled and splattered across the crowd. Applicants are required to be at least 12, at least 4” tall, and must be able to carry heavy objects. The Beatles Reunion Concert When: April 1, 6:45 p.m. Where: Aitken Centre The Beatles are back and better than ever! After revealing that they were all still alive (except Paul McCartney, RIP), The Beatles announced their very first tour in over 50 years! With great new songs like “I Don’t Wanna Hold Your Hand, There’s a Pandemic On” and “Hey Jude You Look Creepily Like Your Dad,” there will be fun for the whole family! Tickets are $1 500 for students and $2 000 general admission, and can be purchased on Eventbrite.

An Evening With Philip Glass When: April 1, 7 p.m. Where: The Fredericton Playhouse Just an evening? No way! An Evening with Philip Glass promises to be the most interesting and influential night in Fredericton’s music history! Prominent pianist and composer Philip Glass arrives in Fredericton April 1, ready to celebrate his achievements by playing The Simpsons theme song with his orchestra over and over again until everyone gets bored and leaves. Dine With Maz When: April 1, 12 p.m. Where: Paul’s Place UNB President Paul Mazerolle invites all UNB students to come have lunch at his house on April 1. There will be hotdogs, freezies, and root beer provided, but a valid Student ID is required. Paul would like us to remind you that it is one hotdog per student, there is no vegan or gluten free option except Sodexo Meal Hall beans, and that no, the rise in tuition did not pay for hotdogs. National Siblings Day Show When: April 10, 7 p.m. Where: The Fredericton Playhouse National Siblings Day is nearly back again, fresh off a year in which it was more widely celebrated in Canada than Christmas. To celebrate, The Playhouse has put together their second annual show that features short talks given by famous siblings. Keynote speakers include Cain, on the responsibility of being an older brother; Michael Corleone, in a lecture titled, “I know it was you, Fredo”; and the three (or possibly four) Karamazov brothers, who are set to have a heated debate on the pros and cons of patricide. The Playhouse regrets that it cannot include any female speakers, citing the fact that women are less interesting than men.

Editor’s note: The Playhouse would like to make clear that Jaime and Cersei Lannister will not be speaking at this year’s show.

UNB Students Break Time Barrier, Go Berserk, and Kidnap Old Man Words by Marlowe K Evans Graphic by Josh Vandenborre

A multidisciplinary team of students from the University of New Brunswick have become the first people to ever successfully travel through time.

the constant threat of climate change, and as a political science student, I’m qualified to say – the global political climate sucks and probably won’t get much better. So we decided to do it.”

The team was made up of a group of four students – two from engineering, one from history, and one from political science. They began work on the project at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020.

The four UNB students went back to 2010 and decided to try and save Harambe and prevent the COVID-19 pandemic.It didn’t work.

“It started off with a Back to the Future marathon at Theresa’s house, and it just kind of went from there,” said Erin Stein, lead engineer for the project. “We started off just screwing around in the garage to be honest, but by the end of it we had something real.” The house to which Stein is referring was being rented by history student Theresa Florrence, but has since been seized by the New Brunswick Government to house its new Time Travel Museum. “We argued for awhile about what to do with the time machine,” said Noël Leland, the group’s political science student. “We discussed the possible ethical implications of going further than the testing stage with the machine, but you know what? This world already sucks. We live under

Instead of going back to 2010 as intended, the maiden voyage of the time machine went slightly awry, and the team arrived in 383 BCE. “So we ended up in Athens,” said Madison Cutter, assistant project engineer. “It was a calculation error in the navigational computer.” When asked what they got up to in Athens, the group of students declined to comment. “Really, there is no actual law against what we’ve done here,” said Leland. “I checked before we left.” The Canadian Government has, however, seized all of the group’s materials and research, including the time machine. Leland asserts that this is unlawful and constitutes a Harper-like gag on the scientific community, and she is currently seeking legal representation for her group. “We have made the single greatest breakthrough in scientific history. We don’t deserve to be punished for that.” As for fears that the group’s time travel escapade was dangerous and could have affected our timeline, Cutter and Stein explained that they have proven that history is a constant and cannot be affected by any actions taken during a trip. “I mean, a group of four girls, only one of whom knows any ancient Greek at all, drop into the middle of Athens at the height of the Classical period – do you think everything would be exactly the same if time were able to fluctuate?” said Stein.

As for rumours that Nöel Leland kidnapped famous philosopher Plato and was using him to complete her honours thesis, she says, “any such claims are absolutely ridiculous and have no basis in reality.” However, Bruns reporter Andrew McCullough went undercover, and via covert surveillance discovered that Plato had in fact been transported to the present day and was being confined in Leland’s Hanson Street suite. “I couldn’t just leave him there,” said McCullough. “I had to get him out.” McCullough bravely rescued Plato, but didn’t turn him in to local authorities. His current whereabouts are a Brunswickan secret.

Leland has not been brought up on charges as Fredericton police refuse to believe that Plato ever left Athens, and The Brunswickan doesn’t want to turn him over for fear of exposing him to a creepy government test site like whatever Canadian Area 51 is; so, for now, the philosopher-napper walks free. As for the rest of the team, they claim they had no idea that Leland had kidnapped Plato. Apparently she smuggled him into the time machine in her backpack. It seems there may have been a greater time conspiracy than previously believed. All four members of the team have disappeared, and authorities fear they may have recreated their machine and plan to kidnap other important historical figures, like Nietzsche. Fredericton Police and the Government of Canada declined to comment. 9

Men who climb are “just not looking for a relationship right now” Words by Taylor Chalker Illustration by Jules Keenan

On March 17 Hayley Smith* was left alone and confused following a whirlwind romance with a seemingly interesting man who ultimately ended things to focus more on mastering the “sick new V5” at the local climbing gym.

“Oh man, I made this sweet brew the other day – honey and lime, you’ve never tasted anything like it, they said they are gonna toss it on tap here at the gym so I can always have a little booch on hand,” Lockier explained while rolling his beanie.

Smith, a 24-year-old student with a history of making bad decisions when it comes to her dating life, just doesn’t understand what she did wrong.

Smith knows all too well about the booch, reflecting on the time that she once asked a man what a scobie was and was immediately forced to watch an hour-long youtube video explaining the process of brewing kombucha.

“He had a car, knew how to cook, and he even had a bedframe! I thought that I had finally found my perfect guy,” Smith explained, noting that there may have been a red flag or two. “Well, he never let me meet his friends, and we always split the bill so that he could save money for a new deck for his board, but I didn’t think too much about it.” Smith is not alone – instances are rising in Fredericton of women dating a man for weeks, or even months, only for him to report that he does not want to pursue anything further. Interestingly, most of these instances involve one common denominator – men that climb. At any given moment, the local climbing gym is home to dozens of men who wear their beanies rolled up just a little bit too much. Past the clouds of chalk dust, and beneath the sweet sounds of indie rock, lays a hub for men that simply are not ready for a relationship. “Yeah, she sleeps over like every night, and we go out for breakfast and run errands together, and I make future plans with her, but, I mean, I am so clearly not looking for anything serious right now,” stated Ian Lockier*, avid climber. Lockier explained that his current goals focus around brewing the perfect homemade kombucha and planning his summer brewery tour throughout the province.

“I swear, if another man ever says ‘microbiome’ to me again I am going to freak out,” Smith explained. “[name redacted] literally made me bottle three separate batches on three separate occasions and asked me to clean up the kitchen while he delivered six-packs to his friends. He always said that I would get to try the next batch, but I never did.” Smith recalled the last time that she saw this man, when he offered to cook her dinner after she instructed him that she was no longer interested in spending time together if he did not want to pursue a partnership. “He literally called me up, saying that he messed up and that he wanted to cook me dinner. So I get there, he hasn’t even started cooking, and he looks at me and says ‘I’m glad that we both decided to keep things casual,’” Smith said. “This man straight up ignored everything that I had said, and assumed that I would be alright with maintaining a casual relationship despite verbalizing my desire for more.” When Smith confronted him about this, he simply replied, “I’m just really trying to focus on me, but we can still smash.” *Names have been changed to preserve anonymity

Vaccine Abuse Propels Higgs to Historic CrossFit Victory Words by David Bunce Photo by Jules Keenan

The second week of the CrossFit Open shocked everyone as Blaine Higgs scored the fastest time in Eastern Canada. The event involved 150 dumbbell snatches and 75 burpee box jump overs. In this pure test of physical fitness, Higgs came out on top. Such a performance is unheard of for a man of 67 and immediately raised suspicions amongst the province’s top athletes. Kathy Wilson, part-time administrator at UNB and rising CrossFit star in her own right, had a feeling that Higgs was snatching more than dumbbells. “I drove to his house and found empty boxes marked ‘Pfizer’ and ‘Moderna’ in the garbage along with dozens of used syringes. Higgs has been siphoning off vaccines to boost his physical abilities.” With Wilson’s incredible discovery, it is now believed that the vaccine functions as an anabolic steroid when taken in large quantities. This revelation could also explain some of Higgs’ recent outbursts at COVID press conferences.

Known as “roid rage”, steroid use often causes uncontrollable anger in the user. This may have been why Higgs threw the tech guy across the stage when a reporter’s mic was unmuted as he urinated. In hindsight, this display of strength should have been a red flag. Wilson is admittedly conflicted over the discovery. While it means that Higgs has been sacrificing lives to reach his fitness goals, there are some positives. “Delaying vaccines in New Brunswick means that self-isolation requirements will stay in place and students will continue to have to fill out those useless UNB self-isolation plans,” says Wilson. Wilson is grateful for Higgs allowing her to remain relevant as the province slowly begins opening up. Meanwhile, Higgs is poised to enter the final week of the CrossFit Open with a healthy lead over his Atlantic competitors who are scrambling to get vaccinated before next week’s event.

UNB Scraps In-Person Classes and Announces New Tin-Can Class Delivery Words by Andrew McCullough Illustration by Jules Keenan

The University of New Brunswick is making significant changes to how classes will be delivered in the upcoming school year. Changes include regular tuition increases every semester and moving permanently to a virtual class delivery format. “Starting in the fall of 2021, in-person classes will be permanently suspended to curb even the smallest possibility of spreading COVID-19,” said UNB President Paul Mazerolle in an email sent to students and faculty on Saturday, March 20. But the format of classes will not take the same form that students have become accustomed to since the beginning of the pandemic. UNB faculty are abandoning the use of Microsoft Teams and Desire2Learn for online class delivery. ‘Since the beginning of the pandemic, we’ve heard from our students and educators who have all provided us valuable feedback that will inform the delivery of classes going forward. We’ve listened, and it was clear that everyone was frustrated with using Microsoft Teams for administering classes,” said Mazerolle.

When classes resume in September, professors at the University of New Brunswick will begin providing classes using tin-can phones, connected by strings. “We wanted the format of our classes to reflect the traditional values of New Brunswick, while at the same time continuing to provide the quality of education that UNB students are used to,” said Mazerolle. To facilitate the transition to the new tin-can format, UNB is expected to embark on a major infrastructure project, with support from the cities of Fredericton and Saint John. To connect student’s tin-cans to those of the university’s instructors, strings will be suspended by poles on every street in both cities. “It’s really no different than the cable services we are all used to,” said Fredericton Mayor Mike O’Brien in a statement of support for the university’s changes.

The changes are expected to be implemented over the next three years, meaning major construction will become a regular sight in both New Brunswick cities. “I won’t lie, this will be an expensive endeavour, but one that will benefit us all in the end. To facilitate the changes and to keep UNB on budget, a regular tuition increase is necessary. We understand this is a concern for many students; therefore, we have graciously decided to gradually increase tuition over time,” said Mazerolle. Students can expect a $500 increase to their tuition to occur every semester (except for engineering students – their increase is $700/semester). UNB has stated they have no plans to stop the twiceannual increase after the infrastructure changes are complete.

As for additional student services such as library use, financial services, and counselling, UNB says it has no plans to scrap these services. “Students will be expected to have multiple tin-can lines available in their home, one for every class they are taking and one for each vital UNB service,” says Mazerolle. The University of New Brunswick will not be providing students with tin-cans. All students will be required to purchase new tin-cans every semester to ensure quality communication. The Brunswickan was not able to contact the UNB Student Union for comment, though some sources say they switched to tin-can communication at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Séances in the SUB: Recovery Report

Words by Ibukun Keyamo Photo by Jules Keenan

Following the last SITS team séance, and the unfortunate loss of two reporters to ghosts, and the little stint in October where Camelia Day had been lost, things hadn’t been going quite right at The Brunswickan. Hardened former Business Manager and SITS team captain Matt Gracie, taking the losses the hardest, had retired saying his “days of ghost-wrangling are over.” But we all know the saying ― once a ghost wrangler, always a ghost wrangler. He’ll be back. Meanwhile, word around campus was that the SITS team at The Bruns had lost their touch, and maybe their minds. Applications to join the team dried up, and two positions on the team remained empty. One year after the tragic disappearances of the two reporters, the team decided it was time to venture into the haunted bathroom once again ― this time on a rescue mission. Jules Keenan, Art Director at The Bruns (who usually went along on séances for the sole purpose of trying to capture the paranormal on camera), and David Bunce, Bruns reporter, decided to join the team as part-time ghost wranglers.

So, led by Marlowe Evans, incoming Editor-in-Chief at The Bruns and paranormal expert, the SITS team arrived at the door of the infamous bathroom on the night of March 31. “Nothing was out of place, you know? It just looked like a regular old bathroom,” said Bunce, recounting the story later. The bucket of blood was placed on the floor together with the cock feathers. The team was using moose blood this time. Their regular goat blood supplier had unfortunately caught COVID and was stuck in isolation – and goats are, surprisingly, fairly difficult to find in Fredericton. So, moose blood it was. The cock feathers were a new addition to the materials for the ritual brought in by Marlowe Evans. The plan was straightforward ― perform the summoning ritual, and when the spirit arrives, distract it while Evans performs a second ritual for recovering lost souls. Simple. The summoning ritual began, and with a nod from Evans, Keenan took care of the protection sigil. Suddenly, with a whoosh of air, the spirit was unleashed. Keenan said later, “Water started flowing out of the taps, and the toilets were being flushed repeatedly. It was spooky.”

The spirit seemed to be looking for Gracie, and that was distraction enough for Evans to get started on the second ritual. But it didn’t take long for the spirit to realize Gracie was absent from that night’s séance and turn its attention on the people in the room. How do you distract a spirit? That was a question that Bunce and Keenan unfortunately didn’t know the answer to. They started making a lot of noise, running around, and waving their arms, which seemed to work as Evans continued working steadily on the ritual’s second component. It didn’t take long though for Keenan to be wrapped in toilet paper and for Bunce to become the sole focus of the spirit’s nasty taunts. “It kept asking me if I was going to piss my pants. I hate ghosts,” said Bunce. However, his tolerance of the spirit’s abuse deserves extra praise, as he kept the spirit occupied while slowly, floating up out of the ground through the sigil, covered in green slime, came the unconscious bodies of former reporter Hannah Rudderham and News Editor Taylor Chalker.

Evans kept at the ritual. Camelia Day still wasn’t back. An inhuman screech made everybody in the bathroom jump. The ghost had realized what was happening. Heavy winds started blowing in the small bathroom. A toilet flew out of the wall and pinned the toilet paper covered Keenan in the bathroom stall – she was powerless to defend her friends as the spirit focused on the one person it wanted all along: Evans. But Evans wasn’t a paranormal expert in name alone. She knew things. She had brought the chicken feathers for a reason. The feathers were released into the cyclone and the winds grew weaker. The screech sounded again, louder than before. “Marlowe grabbed Taylor and I took Hannah, and we were able to make it out of the bathroom,” Bunce said. Chalker and Rudderham were declared fine after a check-up. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, they did not remember anything of the sad event. Evans, when asked why Camelia Day had not returned, said, “Day wasn’t in that sigil. Although she was taken in a residence, we had thought it was the same ghost. But it seems like there’s a ghost in residence on UNB campus.” Whether there will be a rescue attempt for Day is unknown as of yet, but The Brunswickan will be sure to keep you updated.

Objects of the Occult – Nine Creepy Photos with Stories You Won’t Believe! (not clickbait) Words by Marlowe Evans Photos submitted

plate no.1: frog with jar This is a photo with a dark background indeed. The frog, known only as Elfezar, was petrified by his own backfired spell in 1886. He is thought to still be conscious in his frozen state and is said to have been driven mad after having accidentally been sold to a family of three at a garage sale (Elfezar was left on the mantle facing the TV and was subjected to countless hours of teletubbies before he was rescued by a member of The Brunswickan’s staff in 1969). Elfezar is still conscious as far as anyone in the office can tell, and he is definitely going to bring about the apocalypse if he is ever thawed out. The jar in front of him, however, also has a strange tale to tell, though one much less dark. Is this jar haunted by the spirit of a wizard frog? No, it is not. However, the jar does contain the contents of a spell, created under the harbinger’s moon, to tie two souls together for eternity. It is said that the reflection of the two young lovers who created the spell and entrusted it to Elfezar can still be seen smiling and dancing in their kitchen if you hold the jar up to the moon in just the right way. 20

plate no. 2: bear in costume This is perhaps one of the most haunted objects in any of our photographs. It was created in a small toyshop in Amsterdam and was loved by countless children for hundreds of years. During that time, the bear became sentient, the pure love of children having given it true consciousness. However, once Elvis became an international celebrity, the bear’s beautiful costume was cheapened, and as Elvis fell out of popularity, the bear was discarded by the children who had loved him. Now all he can do is cry for help whenever a new staff member is dumb enough to take him off the shelf and “press here.”

plate no. 3: rathand Dr. Ellery Von Hammersmear was a brilliant physician in the early 2000s. She worked tirelessly to try to develop new and innovative ways for her patients to be able to regain full use of their hands after having been in terrible accidents. Here you see one of her experiments that did not go so well: Rathand. Rathand was attached to a young woman of about 24, and it’s not hard to imagine how much a young person would like having a rat for a finger. However, after a few months of acclimation, Rathand began to become more than just a half a rat attached to a partially amputated finger: he realized his mortality and his existence. Soon he began whispering nefarious things to the young woman, cajoling her into committing various acts of theft (six wheels of cheese were stolen from Scottage), until finally both Rathand and the young woman were killed in a police shootout in front of the Boyce Market cheese stall. Rathand is now taxidermied and can be used as a slightly sticky, gruesome finger puppet. Fun fact: In Brunswickan staff meetings, only the person in possession of Rathand is allowed to speak.

plate no. 4: the haunted hat At first glance, this seems to be nothing more than a small, “VIVA MEXICO” souvenir hat. However, during a freak accident, The Brunswickan’s loyal dog Horatio was trapped in the hat during a séance gone wrong. Now the hat barks constantly, as Horatio’s spirit bays for dog treats he will never receive, and pets that he cannot feel. His suffering is eternal.

plate no. 5: leaning frog This image was taken in 1415 at the Battle of Naples. It depicts a small frog, leaning to the side, smiling. This small frog won the battle for the French, securing Voltaire another victory in his global conquest. This was the frog used to assassinate Consigliere Giovanni di Medici and is now the vessel that carries his ashes. If you pick up the frog and shake it really hard, sometimes you can hear a small voice in an Italian accent telling you to “fuck off and stop being so disrespectful.”

plate no. 6: john cena and cat When John Cena died after accidentally slapping himself in the face, fans were presented with the option of buying a small blue effigy of their hero. No one realized, however, that the effigies glowed in the dark because they were filled with John Cena’s blood. Everyone knows John Cena’s blood was replaced with nitro-enriched Baja Blast Mountain Dew. The cat, unfortunately, is much less interesting. It is just vaguely ugly and peculiar looking, and was gifted to our News Editor for Christmas.

plate no. 7: grobagula This is Grobagula. It may look like a regular painting of some nice mushrooms, but actually it is a dark portal to a realm beyond our own, guarded by a commune of fungus known as Grobagula. If a human gets too close to the “painting”, Grobagula releases spores, and the human dies a slow and painful death of mycelium poisoning.

plate no. 8: small frog with open mouth This is Digby Frog. Digby Frog was a very naughty boy. Now he lives in The Bruns office, and people do unspeakable things to him.

plate no. 9: cow suspended by strings This photo is of a living heifer named Flora. Flora was the first cow to ever learn how to fly. Her owner, a woman named Delores, trained her from infancy. First the cow was taught to jump. Then she was taken to the tops of tall mountains so she wouldn’t be afraid of heights. Then she was finally fitted with this very elaborate harness and a magical hook that crocheted the air around her into a giant invisible balloon so that the cow would be suspended in the air. Sadly, after more than ten years of happy flying with Dolores, Flora was cursed by a spiteful bullcalf who envied her abilities, and she was turned into a charcuterie board.

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