The Conservative Volume · Issue 1 • Dates are so left wing
This is blue because we are part of the offical Conservative party conspiracy against universities
biaswickan canada’s most biased official student publication.
SNAX fights against mealitarization of campus Robert Lightfoot The Biaswickan
A new organization has arrived at UNB with the intention of demealitarizing campus. SNAX, a new social activist organization, intends to fight against meals at UNB Fredericton. Meals, says the group, fight against hunger that can be otherwise stopped by pacifist snacking. SNAX intends to win. “We will fight the meal machine,” the group said last week in a press release. “Meals oppress the basic human right to snack. We deserve the right to a de-mealitarized campus and we will fight until we win.” SNAX believes that one’s blood sugar levels are kept level through moderate daytime snacking rather than thrice-daily meals. Upon realizing that such food consumption patterns are slightly healthier, they launched a campaign to stop anyone and everyone from eating meals. “We believe that no one should have a choice whether or not to be healthy,” says the press release. “The importance of health means that choice is not an option.” The group first came to public prominence when it stopped breakfast from being served at McConnell Hall. The group, upon hearing that breakfast was to arrive last week at 7:30 a.m., immediately contacted the UNB administration and told them that they would do everything in their power to stop the meal. UNB cancelled the breakfast, but rescheduled it at 10 a.m. under the code name “brunch.” “This was a small battle won,” says the release. “But the war is still to be fought. Brunch must now be eliminated.” Some students fear that their choice
A good photographer / The Biaswickan
Members of the social activist group SNAX protest breakfast at McConnell Hall. The man on the right, who identified himself only as “José,” was later taken away by campus police for threatening to set breakfast on fire. to eat meals instead of snacks has been compromised. “I really want to eat more than Mike & Ikes today,” says first year Arts student Jenny Westministerson. “But ever since SNAX came along, it’s all I’ve been allowed to have.” Graduating engineering student James LeClair also finds the student group’s actions disheartening. “All I wanted when I graduated was a nice turkey dinner with my family. SNAX took that opportunity away,” says LeClair. “Now what am I going to do when I graduate?”
SNAX is named in honour of Dr. Norman Snax, an activist professor who taught nuclear physics in the 1960s. He was among the first academics in the world to speak out against the horror of unbalanced daily blood sugar levels, and held many protests about it. SU councillor Pat Grabbitt, who can be seen in a YouTube video protesting breakfast alongside SNAX, claims he isn’t a part of the group. “What?” he asks. “Just because I am actively involved with the group doesn’t mean I’m actually in the
group. “I believe in listening to all students,” he says. “But that doesn’t mean I can prevent them from having choice in what they do. “In unrelated news,” said Grabbitt, “vote for me for the next SU President. I promise to consult students and make the other candidate look like a dictator, even though I never consulted anyone in the first place.” Fellow councillor Corky Aleksandre made a motion at the SU council table last week condemning breakfast. When asked how many of
his constituents he consulted, all of whom hope to eat meals when they graduate, he responded, “It doesn’t matter if they want meals. Meals are an injustice to blood sugar, which means no one should have the option to eat meals.” Aleksandre did not say how many constituents he consulted in subsequent interviews. When the family of Dr. Norman Snax was asked to comment on the group, they told the Biasedwickan that he was rolling around in his grave.
Investigative Committee Fails to Investigate Wrecks Lorry Co. Hans Daggerrmann The Biaswickan
An investigative committee struck by the Student Union Council has decided not to investigate the UNB SU’s contracted hippie removal service, The Wrecks Lorry Company (WLC). WLC is a service that uses trucks to ship arts majors from the UNB campus to the kitchens of fast food restau-
rants and landfills where they belong. Even though arts students are perfectly able to find work at fast food kitchens and create filth on their own, WLC is tasked with speeding up the process. WLC is contracted to poll non-Arts students, asking which majors should be removed first – philosophy, classics, and culture studies departments are particular favourites. However, the Biaswickan has recently learned that WLC was not bothering to ask for any student input whatsoever. Instead, WLC was simply condemning arts departments it didn’t like.
WLC’s official spokesperson, Hat Rabbit, tells the Biaswickan that, “Students can’t think for themselves! That’s why they’re students, for crying out loud! If students could think for themselves, they wouldn’t be students anymore, would they?” “Instead of trying to do our job that we signed up for and represent all of UNB’s students, we simply decided not to bother and do all of their thinking for them. By imposing our personal beliefs onto the student body, we are saving them time, money, and preparing them for the real world!” As a result of what several members of the SU council are calling “total
bullshit,” a committee was struck two weeks ago to investigate Wrecks Lorry’s contractual effectiveness. Since many employees of WLC are already a part of the Student Union Council, the committee was formed entirely of either WLC employees or their close associates. After two weeks, no action has been taken by the committee. Some Dolt, a member of the committee, tells the Biaswickan that “We like, totally did stuff! Didn’t we?” Dolt also explains the difficulty in investigating a small, local company: “We couldn’t, um, really understand the word ‘investigate’ in the diction-
ary, so we just kind of sat around drinking fair trade coffee, reading the Communist Manifesto, and protesting violent videogames outside of Wal-mart.” Rabbit sums up the results with the following: “We may have won this battle against bias and the Young Conservatives this time, but the war against student opinion and common sense rages on!” Hans Daggerrmann is the Official Model of the Biasedwickan. By reading this, you owe him money. Send cash, credit cards, and/or naked pictures of yourself (only if you are hot) to model@ biased.ca.