Slamming on the brakes with the next generation

ll rfv oLDEST cHILD recently got his learner's permit. a IVlright of passage for all teenagers and a different sort of right of passage for parents. As he learns to drive, I find myself slamming repeatedly on imaginary brakes and trying, usually in vain, to use moderately toned coaching instead of screaming at the top of my lungs.

As with so many experiences, trying to teach my son to be a responsible driver has made me mindful of families in business together and intergenerational relationships. On a recent business trip, I rode in cars with members of our client's family business: the husband, the wife, the daughter, and one of their employees. In none of those occasions did I feel tense, slam on the imaginary brakes, or shout intemperately at the driver. What makes me (along with most other parents of teenagers) so much worse a passenger when riding with my own dear son versus when riding with comparative strangers? And what makes business families less tolerant of each other than they are of "outsiders"?

First, we have a desire for our children to be perfect. I critique every aspect of my son's driving: every lane change, failure to use a turn signal, or one mile per hour over the speed limit elicits a comment. When riding with friends, clients, or anyone else, these things aren't even worth a mention. Perfection-never a realistic goal-is something we both expect and demand from our children, especially as we coach them to take on responsibilities for things about which we care the most.

Next, part of our anxiety is related to imaginary fears. We fear the heartache that would come if our children were in accidents and were injured. Even where no injury is involved, we worry about how they'd cope dealing with strangers in high-stress situations like rush hour fender benders. Again, when thinking of our employees or peers, these imaginary fears rarely come to mind.

Third, it's a little unnatural for go-go entrepreneurs like me to teach. We'd rather jump into the driver's seat and take charge of the wheel ourselves. Having someone else steer the car makes us feel vulnerable and afraid-especially if that person is our child. Having another competent peer chart the course doesn't seem to bother us nearly the same way.

Finally, deep down inside there is a lack of trust in our children. We remember the sloppy homework, the laziness when it came to working on school projects, the inclination to put friends and social activities ahead of work and scholarship, and other shortsighted, child-like decisions. It's hard for us to see that now they're driving their own cars or, in the case of many family businesses, steering the company that dad and granddad helped create.

Eventually, I suppose, I'll grow more comfortable with my son driving the car and my foot won't reflexively jump on the invisible brake quite so often. For families in business together, here are some tips for helping their children earn their "Family Business Learner's Permits":

Require that your children work elsewhere, for at least three years, before coming back into the family business. I recently told a client that we were putting together "Entry Rules" for another client whose children are about to finish college. He remarked, "I wish I had made my sons do that. I think it would have solved a bunch of immaturity issues." His sons had come to work for him directly after college and had no work experience at all outside the family business. Partly due to their tender ages, partly due to dad's genius in building a business, and partly due to his ability to clean up any messes they created, they engineered plenty of havoc and heartburn. They each had behavioral, maturity, and even substance abuse issues they wrestled with as younger men. Would they have engaged in these sorts of behavior while working for another company? Maybe, but maybe not. It is likely that they would have been held more accountable for unprofessional or unproductive behavior in someone else's company.

Teach your children financial independence early and it will pay dividends their whole lives. Most banks today will allow children as young as l2 or 13 to have their own debit cards, as long as the parents are willing to stand behind them. Give them a fixed sum or money, or better yet have them earn it through chores, yard work, babysir ting, etc., and have them put money into the debit account. Nothing will teach them about the scarcity of money better then having them blow their own money on their youthful indulgences.

Don't directly supervise your children in the family business. It's simply too hard to be objective about our precious children whom we love so dearly. Have them work for other people in your company, and let those supervisors evaluate them. When your son runs back to you and says, "John Doe is being way too hard on me," you should demonstrate the importance of chain of command and objective evaluations by staying out of it. Unless it is an extraordinary or egregious situation, you should stay away for two reasons: first, it won't do to undermine the manager to whom you've given this great responsibility, and second, your children need to know what it is to work for different bosses with different styles of different things. They need to learn to be a part of the team, not a primadonna who get what they want by seeking intervention from Mom or Dad.

Have outsiders objectively evaluate how your children are progressing and growing in the business. An outsider can informally survey other employees for their impressions, evaluate work tasks of various kinds, help you think through how best to coach your next generation leadership candidates for improved performance, and help them see their future career paths as they accept more and more responsibility. An outsider can also help with evaluation tools and instruments to better understand your child's capabilities, work and thinking styles, and what roles in the business are better suited to his or her preferences and inclinations.

As I think about my son the novice driver, and I think about myself as a "side seat driver," I realize that I slam on the imaginary brakes too much. In terms of our clients, I have observed that many family business next-generation leadership candidates keep their "learners' permits" until age 55 or 60. In their cases, parents continue to slam on the invisible brake so frequently that it undermines the successor generation as business leaders, parents of their own children, and human beings. Maybe we should all resolve to not be overprotective and slam on the invisible brake too much. Then, next-generation leadership candidates will be more likely to reward the opportunities and confidence with rapidly improving performance.

- Wayne Rivers is president of the Family Business Institute, Rale i gh, N.C . Re ac h him at w ay ne .r iv e r s @fami ly b us i ne s s i nst itute.com or (877) 326-2493

Reprinted with permission of the Family Business Institute. No portion of this article may be reproduced without its permission.

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