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The Shmuz on the Parsha

Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier

The Power of the Spoken Word Parshas Shelach

“Send forth men, if you please, and let them spy out the land of Canaan that I give to the Children of Israel” — Bamidbar 13:2 Timeline of the miraglim, spies The parsha of Shelach opens up with the story of the miraglim. Rashi notes that the previous parsha ended with the story of Miriam getting tzaras, leprosy and being sent out of the camp because she spoke loshon harah, gossip about Moshe. Since this parsha begins with the miraglim, it implies that these two events are connected. But Rashi is bothered by the fact that they did not happen in chronological proximity. The events of the Korach rebellion were sandwiched in between. Rashi explains that the Torah took these two events and juxtaposed them to teach us a lesson: Had the miraglim not been so wicked, they would have learned from what happened to Miriam, and that would have prevented them from saying their negative report about the land. However, says Rashi, “These wicked people saw what happened and didn’t learn from it.” The miraglim’s sin wasn’t loshon harah The problem with this Rashi is that the miraglim’s sin had nothing to do with loshon harah; it emanated from a lack of trust in Hashem. When they entered the land, they saw giants occupying fortified cities. They witnessed people dying left, right, and center. In their minds, if the Jewish nation attempted to conquer this land, they would be slaughtered wholesale

– man, woman, and child. Clearly, thy were lacking in bitachon. Their faith in Hashem was deficient. But they weren’t guilty of speaking loshon harah. First off, there is no prohibition against speaking loshon harah about land. Land is inanimate. We are forbidden from derogatory speech about people – not rocks. Of even greater significance, once the miragalim made their mistake and concluded that Hashem wasn’t powerful enough to bring us into the land, what they then spoke wasn’t loshon harah at all. In their calculation, they were saving the Jewish people from utter destruction, in which case it wasn’t forbidden speech; it was a mitzvah, commandment. Why does the Torah forbid loshon harah? The answer to this question stems from understanding why the Torah forbids loshon harah. The Rambam defines loshon harah as words that hurt, words that damage. Whether they cause a person embarrassment, loss of income, or sully his reputation, the very definition of loshon harah is words that cause harm. That is the reason the Torah forbids us to speak it – not because the Torah is so strict, but because words can have such a harmful effect. To appreciate the damage that words can cause, imagine that I discover a cloak To advertise, call 718-513-9885

of invisibility. When I put this cape on, I can walk around freely without anyone seeing me. Imagine for a moment that after I find this cloak, I decide to have some fun. As I walk around the bais medrash, Jewish study hall, I take a sefer, book from one fellow and turn it upside down. Oh, his reaction when he sees it! Then I walk over to another fellow and close his Gemara. “Hey! What happened?” Next, I see a pair of charvusahs, learning partners who are standing up for a moment. I walk over and put both of their Gemaras back on the shelf. “What–?” I am having a jolly time! After a while, I get a bit bolder. As someone is walking by, I leave my foot in the aisle. “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” he yells as he falls to the floor with a crash. “This is fun,” I think to myself. And now I really start to get into it. As a fellow walks by, I give him a punch in the stomach, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!” The next guy, I smash in the back, “Agggggh!” And before you know it, guys are falling, getting smashed, and really getting hurt. The joke is no longer funny. The Chofetz Chaim points out to us that the Torah reserves a curse for one who “hits his neighbor while hiding.” Chazal explain that this refers to someone who speaks loshon harah about his friend. Why am I so cavalier about what I say about him? Because he isn’t here. If he were standing right nearby, I would never say what I said. I say it only because he

isn’t around. And in that sense, I am hitting him while hiding. One of the reasons that we have difficulty controlling our speech is that we don’t see it as truly damaging. “What is the big deal if I tell an interesting story or two?” we say. While I would never dream of physically harming you, when it comes to ruining your reputation, damaging your business, or causing you harm in the way that people perceive you, then I am much less concerned. The Torah is teaching us that loshon harah is forbidden because of the power of the words and the damage they can cause. That is why they are forbidden.

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The power of speech The answer to this question on the miraglim seems to be that they should have seen what happened to Miriam and learned one lesson from it – the power of speech. They should have thought to themselves, “If such a tzadekes, righteous woman said something only slightly questionable about her brother whom she loved and revered and had to be sent out of the encampment for seven days to suffer embarrassment and public humiliation, what does that tell us about the impact of her words? Why did Hashem act so harshly with her? It must be that what she did was far more egregious than we realized. It must be that her words – while merely speech – are a powerful force.” Had the miraglim learned this lesson, they would have been far more careful in their speech. They would have thought many times about the consequences of their words, and that would have made them stop and think to themselves, “Before we bring back this report, are we sure? Are we a hundred percent certain that the Jewish people will die trying to conquer this land? Didn’t Hashem bring us out of Mitzrayim? Didn’t Hashem split the sea for us?” Understanding the power of speech would have caused them to think about the consequences, and the results might well have been very different. This concept has great relevance in our lives. Most of the damage that we do through speech isn’t malicious or with bad intent. We speak without thinking about the consequences, without contemplating the results. The Torah is teaching us the power of those words and how careful we have to be with what we say, not because the Torah is machmir, strict when it comes to sins of speech, but because of the effect that speech has to help or to harm – because of the power of the spoken word.

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The Jewish Plot to Kill Hitler by Prof. Robert Rockaway

How the FBI prevented Jewish American gangsters from altering the course of history in 1933.

n 1933, I was approached by someone respectable, a Jew not involved in any criminal activity, and asked for my help. He wanted me to contact some of my underworld pals in a plan to kill Hitler.” I stared at the man sitting across from me. I was incredulous. A plan to kill Hitler in 1933? Involving Jewish American mobsters? Was he serious? The story seemed far-fetched, a bube meyseh (old wives’ tale). I was skeptical. Still, I wrote down what he told me. He said the hit man or men selected for the job had to be Yiddish speakers, so they could get around any language problems in Germany. He said they would be paid $2,500 plus expenses. He said the “respectable Jew” told him, “There are people in Germany ready to assist us.” This is how he remembered the scheme to

kill Hitler. My source’s nickname was “Dutch.” He was one of the elderly “retired” mobsters I interviewed for my book, But He Was Good to His Mother: The Lives and Crimes of Jewish Gangsters. According to my notes, I met him on Aug. 15, 1988, at the Picasso Café in Herzlia Pituah, an upscale seaside suburb of Herzliya, 15 miles north of Tel Aviv. When we met, he was living in Israel. He said, “My friends call me Dutch. You seem OK, so call me Dutch, too.” This was our only face-to-face meeting, and he asked me not to use his family name while he was still breathing. I promised him I would not. He died in 1993. Later I learned his last name was Goldberg. As far as I know, I was the last person he spoke to about this. I recall Dutch as being about 5 feet 7 and of stocky build with thinning gray hair. I estimated his age to be somewhere in the 80s. I surmised he must have been

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good-looking in his youth. But time took its toll. His skin showed age spots, and his right hand shook slightly when he lifted his coffee cup. At first, he asked me to tell him about my work and background and why I wanted to speak to him. I told him that I’d grown up in Detroit, got my doctorate in history at the University of Michigan, and was teaching at Tel Aviv University. I explained that I was researching Jews and organized crime in the United States. We then discussed some underworld figures, including Meyer Lansky, whom I interviewed in 1980. Dutch looked at me for awhile. “Gangsters,” he said. “Why is a nice Jewish professor like you writing about that stuff? There are a lot of other things you could write about, but gangsters is not one of them.” For the next 10 minutes or so, we went back and forth about my research and topics Dutch thought I could pursue. Then he told me about his background.

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He said he grew up on New York’s Lower East Side. He dropped out of school at the age of 13 and stole from peddlers and robbed drunks to make some money. Because he was tough and a good fighter, he worked as a shtarker (muscleman) and for a price would beat up someone who owed money. He sometimes worked as a strikebreaker and for bootleggers during Prohibition guarding their shipments of illegal liquor. He claimed he was arrested more than 40 times and said he had killed “more than one man.” In the early 1930s he became a soldier in the Bug (Siegel) and Meyer (Lansky) mob in New York. Dutch finished his story about the alleged scheme to kill Hitler by saying that after he had been approached, he “talked to some of the boys about it. They hated the Nazis and knew what was happening to the Jews. And they were willing to go to Germany and do the job.” But before the contract could be formalized, “that mamzer [bastard] J. Edgar Hoover and his feds started snooping around and asking questions.” So “the boys” thought it was wise to drop the matter. It was bad for business. Reflecting on the plot, Dutch concluded: “It was really a shame. I wish we’d done it and killed him. Can you imagine? We woulda been heroes. They woulda given us all medals.” When he finished, I asked him if he had hard evidence on this plot. “Evidence,” he asked. “What kind of evidence?” “I’m talking about documents, letters; I’m a historian after all. I like documents.” He laughed. “You gotta be kiddin’,” he said. “There’s no documents.” A moment later though, Dutch told me that Hoover probably wrote something about it and that maybe I should check in Washington. Other former Jewish mobsters I had interviewed told me how they had helped Jews and how they had taken action against anti-Semites and Nazi To advertise, call 718-513-9885

Bundists in the United States during the 1930s. Maybe they were trying to impress me. Maybe in their old age they wanted to erase some of the more nefarious deeds of their youth. They conveniently forgot to tell me that they got their start in crime by beating and robbing Jews in their neighborhood. The same, I thought, might be true with Dutch. Maybe he made the story up, or told me what he thought I wanted to hear. A year later I was doing research in the archives of the FBI building in Washington. I was seated at a desk waiting for a file to be brought to me when a file on the adjacent table caught my eye. It was labeled “Adolf Hitler.” I wondered why the FBI would have a file on Hitler. I opened the file and found memos, reports, and letters documenting an alleged attempt by American Jews to assassinate Hitler in 1933. Maybe Dutch had told me the truth. The file, number 65-53615, details a plot involving one man. The plot passed the initial planning stage but may have been foiled by the U.S. Department of Justice. In an effort to prevent an international incident— an American citizen assassinating a German leader—American lawenforcement officials might have helped save Hitler. The tale of the conspiracy to kill the German chancellor came to the attention of the American government by way of a letter dated March 23, 1933, typed on plain white paper and addressed to “The German Ambassador, Washington D.C.” The ambassador passed the letter to the Secretary of State Cordell Hull on March 28, and Hull forwarded it to the U.S. Attorney General Homer Cummings. It read: Dear Sir: I have asked President Roosevelt to publicly remonstrate with your government [about] the outrages

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I met him on Aug. 15, 1988, at the Picasso Café in Herzlia Pituah, an upscale seaside suburb of Herzliya, 15 miles north of Tel Aviv.

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committed upon the Jews in Germany, and to demand an immediate and complete end of this persecution. In the event that he does not make such a statement, I notify you that I shall go to Germany and assassinate Hitler. Yours sincerely, Daniel Stern German diplomats demanded an immediate and full investigation of the threat. It should be mentioned that the German ambassador, Friedrich Wilhelm von Prittwitz, resigned from the German government in April 1933 in protest over Hitler’s appointment as chancellor. Franklin Roosevelt had been in office only a few weeks and had a nationwide Depression to contend with. Events in Germany, including Hitler’s accession to power, hardly concerned the government or most of the American public. Nonetheless, the threat expressed in the letter could not be ignored or simply attributed to a crank. More militant members of the American Jewish community had reacted to Hitler’s antiSemitic policies by taking to the streets. Hundreds picketed German consulates, businesses, and stores selling German products. Thousands attended protest rallies and parades in New York, Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, and other cities. In this atmosphere, Stern’s personal declaration of war against Hitler was taken seriously. Attorney General Cummings turned to J. Edgar Hoover, director of the Justice Department’s Division of Investigation, and asked him to locate Daniel Stern and stop him. Hoover headed the division since his appointment by President Calvin Coolidge in 1924. The division became the Federal Bureau of Investigation in 1935. Hoover’s “G-Men” (agents of the FBI) searched for Stern through the spring, summer, and into the fall of 1933. Among their primary contacts were figures in the Jewish American underworld, where Meyer Lansky, Bugsy Siegel, Dutch Schultz, and Lepke Buchalter—all associated with New York’s Murder, Inc. syndicate—had well-earned reputations for using violence to protect their business interests or to defend their communities. Hoover assigned one of his top agents, Dwight Brantley, to coordinate the national investigation. An early lead from

The file, number 65-53615, details a plot involving one man. The plot passed the initial planning stage but may have been foiled by the U.S. Department of Justice. In an effort to prevent an international incident Detroit sent that city’s G-Men scrambling but went nowhere. Another lead came from a special agent in charge of the division’s Chicago office. He’d heard about a Daniel Stern who was rumored to have mob associations and who had moved to Philadelphia, where the letter to the German embassy had been postmarked. Agents in Philadelphia searched local telephone directories, but they failed to turn up the name Daniel Stern. They did find a reference to a Daniel Stern in the city directory. When they went to the address, the janitor told them that Daniel Stern had “left the apartment over a year ago and that his present address is To advertise, call 718-513-9885

unknown.” The agents then turned to Jewish gang contacts for information. Max “Boo Boo” Hoff, who dominated Philadelphia’s criminal enterprises at the time, offered to cooperate. He talked to Agent G.R. Hardy for several hours but could not recall meeting Stern or knowing anyone else who had met the man. Harvey interviewed several of Hoff’s associates, but all claimed they’d never heard of Stern or of a plan to kill Hitler. However, almost all of them, Harvey reported, were impressed by the scheme and thought it was “a great idea.” On the other hand, the German consul in Philadelphia stated that, “in all probability, it was written by some crank, who is a sympathizer of the Jewish element.” The consul further stated that “he is besieged by individuals who make threats upon him, but that they are all of the crank type, and he dismisses them and pays no attention to them as he does not consider their threats serious.” In April, the Justice Department received a promising lead from a letter dated April 21 to the German embassy and postmarked Highbridge Station, New York. The translation of the letter from German stated, “Having overheard a conversation between several Jews in New York, I learned that there is a movement on foot to assassinate Chancellor Adolf Hitler and that a young American Jew has already been selected to commit this murder. The Jews present were joyfully enthused over this plan. I communicate this to you in order that if possible any such act be prevented. Very respectfully, C Portugall.” Hoover had Agent Brantley pass along the information to the division’s New York office. From July 18 to July 23, agents scoured city directories, telephone books, and postal records. They tapped their covert sources in the underworld in search of Stern and the so-called “joyfully enthused” Jews. Every clue led to a dead end. Meanwhile the Criminal Division received a letter dated May 27 from the German embassy that had been written by an individual staying at the San Carlos Hotel in Phoenix, Arizona. The writer, whose name has been blacked out of FBI memos, reported that “he overheard two Jews say Hitler was to be assassinated between May and September 1933 by an agent of New York City Jews.” He wrote

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that Hitler was either to be poisoned or shot and “a young American Jew had already been chosen to perform the act.” He immediately sent a letter reporting what he had heard to the German embassy. Brantley immediately dispatched agents from Los Angeles to Phoenix. When they interviewed the man, he was reluctant to discuss the matter and was unclear about the details. The agents later reported that the man “is a political exile from Mexico and is a citizen of that country. It seems that he is strongly pro-Hitler and anti-Jewish in his conversation.” The agents searched the hotel register from April to June 1933, without finding anyone by the name of Stern or Stearn registered. They then interrogated everyone on the hotel’s staff. No one remembered anything of the alleged meeting or recalled anything unusual. The agents examined the hotel’s registry and wrote down every “Jewish sounding” name. They transmitted the names and the results of their inquiry to division headquarters in Washington. The trail went cold again. On Aug. 19, 1933, Special Agent J.M.

Keith sent a progress report, “Daniel Stern and the Threat to Assassinate German Chancellor Hitler” to Hoover. Keith summarized the investigations in Chicago, Philadelphia, Detroit, Phoenix, and New York. He conceded that that the division had failed to locate Stern or to uncover any assassination plot. On Sept. 2, Special Agent Brantley submitted a final report to Hoover. He wrote that all outstanding leads regarding the threat to assassinate Hitler “have been completed without any definite information having been obtained. Accordingly, this case is being closed at the Washington field office.” Brantley assured Hoover that the case would be reopened if the German embassy received any additional information. Upon my return to Israel, I called Dutch and told him what I’d found in the FBI files. I asked him if he had heard of Daniel Stern. Was the name an alias? Was he a professional killer? He said he heard a rumor about a young man named Stern but didn’t know much about him and had never met him. “Supposedly this Stern fellow had a lot of enthusiasm, but not a

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lot of brains or seykhl [sense]. Maybe he was meshuge [crazy]. He was determined to kill Hitler, and someone thought he was expendable. The timing was all wrong,” he said. “And maybe somebody backed the wrong horse. Nobody knew much about Stern. That was supposed to be good at first. But you never know. You never know.” “That summer of 1933, we learned that just about everybody and his brother thought about taking a whack at the Fuhrer. When you got to Germany, I mean, you had to take a ticket and get in line for your shot. Later someone said there were more than a dozen attempts to get Hitler in the 1930s. Public figures are well-guarded, but Hitler, he was somethin’ else. I mean someone even tried to kill Roosevelt in 1933. That was close. But Hitler? He was bulletproof. I swear to Hashem, the devil was his bodyguard. And you gotta remember that in the end, the only guy who could whack Hitler was Hitler himself.” This article originally appeared on Tabletmag.com

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n the often competitive world of health care, an urgent care franchise has been making a name for itself with state of the art locations whose branded facilities assure patients high quality medical services. KāMIN Health opened its first location in Fresh Meadows, Queens five years ago. Building a reputation for excellence with expedited wait times, minimal paperwork, extended hours and a full array of medical services including on-site x-rays, immunizations and cultures, KāMIN Health added something extra to the mix: one of a kind customer service. “Our waiting rooms radiate warmth and are designed to make sure that no one ever feels like they are

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by Dr. Yvette Alt Miller

The rise of anti-Semitism in America can also been seen in the political sphere.

atrick Little says he’s dedicating his life to exposing Jews who supposedly “control” the United States. He “woke up to the Jewish question” and has described himself as “counter-Semitic” who wants the United States to be “free from Jews.” Little is running for California’s U.S. Senate seat and defeat four-term Senator Diane Feinstein, whom Little describes as a “Zionist (expletive)”. In the past, such extreme antiSemitic views might have rendered Little politically toxic, but today Little is a viable candidate. He’s leading the pack of ten Republican challengers who hope to unseat Sen. Feinstein. The California Republican party has disowned Little, and forcibly removed him from its state convention this past Saturday. Delegates describe how Little spat on the Israeli flag. Despite this type of offensive behavior, Little continues to enjoy public support and remains Sen. Feinstein’s leading challenger in the polls. If he wins the June 5 primary, he could face Sen. Feinstein in the general election in November. While it’s highly unlikely Little would

win the general election, the fact that’s running at all - and that he’s being taken seriously as a candidate by millions of California voters - has many American Jews on edge. In recent months, several politicians and candidates across the political spectrum have voice overtly anti-Semitic views that would have been unthinkable just a few years ago.

Representing the American Nazi Party

One might think that having led the American Nazi Party would disqualify a candidate for serious consideration in Chicago today, but the Republican primary election of March 20, 2018, proved otherwise. Arthur Jones, a former leader of the American Nazi Party who currently heads an anti-Semitic white-supremacist movement, has long been a nuisance candidate in Illinois’ 3rd Congressional District, representing portions of Chicago and its southwestern suburbs. On March 2018, Jones ran unopposed as the only Republican candidate on the primary ballot, and won. He’ll now head off against incumbent Rep. Dan Lipinski on To advertise, call 718-513-9885

AntiSemitic Politicians in America Today November 6. The Illinois Republican Party has decisively opposed Jones, saying, “We strongly oppose his racist views and his candidacy for any public office, including the 3rd Congressional District”. Tragically, however, Jones’ candidacy and new-found prominence has helped him to disseminate his hateful views, including denying the Holocaust, and accusing “world Jewry” and Zionists of terrorizing non-Jews.

Spreading anti-Jewish Conspiracy Theories

On May 5, 2018, Leslie Cockburn, a documentary maker and writer, received the Democratic nomination for the 5th Congressional District in Virginia, the state’s largest. On November 6, she’ll face off against Rep. Thomas Garrett in what is widely expected to be one of the country’s toughest fought races. Cockburn’s selection has shocked some voters who recall a book she wrote in 1991 that put forward patently false, antJewish conspiracy theories. “Dangerous Liaison: The Inside Story

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of the US-Israel Covert Relationship”, which Cockburn wrote with her husband, accused Israel of secretly controlling American policies. A New York Times review of her screed noted “their book, supposedly a history of the secret ties between Israel and the United States, is largely dedicated to Israel-bashing for its own sake. Its first message is that, win or lose, smart or dumb, right or wrong, suave or boorish, Israelis are a menace. The second is that the Israeli-American connection is somewhere behind just about everything that ails us.” The review also quoted a co-founder of the Virginia Holocaust Museum in Richmond, Virginia, noting that Cockburn’s claims were incorrect: “I don’t know to which hate group she was trying to cater...but her claims are wildly inaccurate.”

Blaming Jews for the Weather

First-term Democratic Washington DC City Council Member Trayon White was considered an up and coming local politician - until a Facebook post he uploaded on March 16, 2018 went viral worldwide. In it, Martin is seen driving through the streets of Washington DC as it begins to snow. Martin began a bizarre rant, blaming the Jewish banking family “the Rothschilds” for “controlling the climate to create natural disasters.” It’s long been a staple of antiSemitic conspiracy theories that Jews somehow manipulate global events. It was chilling to hear this anti-Jewish trope being parroted by an elected city official, and it was especially worrying to hear this old conspiracy theory in a bizarre new form: to blame Jews for a snowfall implies a hatred that’s visceral and extreme. It soon emerged that this was no momentary lapse, when reporters uncovered evidence that White had donated constituent funds to a Nation of Islam event at which anti-Jewish statements were made.

Standing by while Jews are Slandered

In the wake of the furor over Trayvon’s preposterous Facebook post, a Washington D.C. Housing Authority

Commissioner, Joshua Lopez, decided to organize a “Unity Rally” to support his embattled colleague. On April 26, 2018, about two dozen people assembled on the steps of the District’s Government building. A representative of the Nation of Islam was among them, and he verbally attacked D.C. Council Member Elissa Silverman, one of two Jews on the District’s council, calling her a “fake Jew” and referring to Jews as “termites”. Lopez stood by without challenging these odious remarks. Following an outcry, Lopez resigned his post on May 1.

Overt Jew-Hatred

One of the leading contenders to replace U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan is an avowed anti-Semite. Paul Nehlen has seemingly endorsed a book that blames Jews for tainting Nordic peoples, and tweeted a list of media figures he said were either Jews or married to Jews. (Twitter banned him following that and other offensive posts.) He has also embraced the slogan “It’s okay to be white” and white

supremacy ideology. Although the Wisconsin Republican Party has formally repudiated Nehlen, returning his membership dues, Nehlen is continuing to campaign for Wisconsin’s Republican primary on August 14, 2018. Shockingly, this odious figure might have a chance of winning. Although Nehlen lost to Mr. Ryan by 68 points in the 2016 Republican primary, Mr. Ryan has announced he will not seek re-election, and Nehlen seems to be out-spending the only other Republican in the race, Nick Polce, an army Special Forces veteran. As of mid-April 2018, Nehlen had raised $160,000 for his election campaign, To advertise, call 718-513-9885

against Polce’s $18,000. Although it’s doubtful that Nehlen could win office in the general election on November 6, he’s been using his newfound prominence to spread his odious views about Jews and other minorities.

Blaming Jews for Gentrification

When an April 16, 2018 Brooklyn community board meeting discussed gentrification in the borough, one resident noted that people were constantly ringing her doorbell to ask if she’d consider selling her house. “It must be Jewish people,” exploded Brooklyn Assemblywoman Diana Richardson, immediately echoing classic anti-Jewish stereotypes that Jews somehow seek to harm others. Another Brooklyn Assembly member, Carl Heastie rebutted Richardson’s outlandish claims, and later dressed her down in front of the entire Democratic caucus. Since then, revelations have emerged of Richardson’s unhinged behavior in other political meetings, as well, and calls are mounting for her to resign. Even if she heeds demands to quit politics, her obvious contempt for Jews signals a larger problem: that anti-Jewish attitudes are found even among respected leaders in local politics. With so much hatred directed against Jews and other minorities in America today, it’s crucial to speak out against anti-Semitic speech, wherever it comes from. With elections looming across the country, and the Midterm Elections coming up soon, it can be tempting to put politics ahead of human decency and look for ways to dismiss candidates’ hateful rhetoric. Doing so would be a significant mistake. As Vice President Mike Pence eloquently said, “We cannot do democracy without a heavy dose of civility.” It’s a lesson we as a body politic need more than ever today.

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My Wife Spends Too Much Money by Emuna Braverman

And every month we argue about it. Dear Emuna, Every month when I balance the books, I’m appalled by the amount of money my wife spends. I react in a negative way, she responds in kind and we are both hurt and angry. The pattern repeats itself every time. What should I do? Broke Husband Dear Broke,

experiences connected to money, emotional response to money – as well as just plain practical issues. Since it is frequently the women who do the grocery shopping and clothes shopping and outfit the home for the family, many men are unaware of the real costs of many standard household items. They also may not have updated their sense of what these items cost since the day they got married and turned these responsibilities over to their wives. But

In my experience, men complain about the amount of money their wives spend every month, whether it’s $500 or $50,000, whether they can afford it or not. There are many factors at play here – expectations about money, childhood

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whether this is true or not, complaining about your wife and fighting with your wife over these issues is definitely not the correct approach. The Torah suggests that you should honor your wife more than yourself, including with your money. The assumption is that these externals are more important to her and you should indulge her where possible

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(and within reason of course – which is very personal and certainly connected to your particular budget). If the challenge is that you would actually like to do that but you don’t have the resources and that’s what leads to the negative interaction, then obviously the issue needs to be addressed. And equally obviously, not in the ineffective and very possibly destructive style you have been using until now. Begin with understanding that some of the expenses may be necessary and just not what you expected and that even the ones you deem unnecessary may be important to your wife. In addition, assume good intentions on her part. It is unlikely that she wants to bankrupt the family or even push your buttons. Next, you need to refocus yourself. You want to give to her. It gives you pleasure to give to her. Therefore, if it is impossible to support her in this lifestyle to which she has become accustomed, tell her that gently – with love and regret, “I love you so much, I’d give you anything and everything your heart desires if I could but at the moment our expenses are greatly exceeding our income. “ And make her a partner in the solution. “What do you think we should do about it?” If you approach the situation with love and caring and an assumption of good will instead of frustration and recriminations, then I’m sure you can work it out. Again, remember that you want to give to her, that nothing gives you greater pleasure. Depleted by Work Dear Emuna, I’m under a lot of pressure at work. There are a few big deals that are all coming to fruition around the same time and I’m very involved in all of them. When I get home I just want to go to my room and lock the bedroom door and lose myself in a book or a television show. I have no energy left for my husband and children. Needless to say, they are not happy with my goals and clamor for my attention. I feel like there’s nothing left of me

In my experience, men complain about the amount of money their wives spend every month, whether it’s $500 or $50,000, whether they can afford it or not. There are many factors at play

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to give. What should I do? Depleted Dear Depleted, I certainly understand what you’re saying. I think one factor that’s crucial here is the time frame. Are you describing a short, discreet amount of time during which you will be preoccupied with some big work projects or is this the way you live your life? If it’s the former, then I think your family will be fine. They can tolerate your temporary emotional absence. And they may even learn some wonderful selfsufficiency in the process. If, however, this is a description of your “normal” life, then something has to change. Not only are you being unfair to your husband and children, you’re not being fair to yourself. You can’t do it all and you can’t live in such a way that you never get quality time with your family. The lifestyle you’re describing sounds extremely unhealthy for you – the overworking, the stress – and I bet you’re not exercising or eating healthy either! And I cannot state more clearly that it is destructive to your family. They need you, more than your company does. Once in a while, an emergency at work may arise or a deadline may loom but in general, it should be more controlled and not controlling. It may help if you set some boundaries for yourself – a fixed amount of hours you will work, refusing to bring work home, a regular lunch break etc. These are necessary for you to maintain your equilibrium and some sense of good cheer. A job is a means, a tool to help us provide for our family. It is not the goal of life and we hurt ourselves and everyone around us if we make that mistake. So, start a little later or leave a little earlier, stop at the gym or have snack on the way home. Do whatever you can to ensure that your family gets the best of you. Not only do they deserve it; you do as well.

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How to be a Spiritual Role Model to Your Children by Rabbi Jay Goldmintz

The four key steps to being a spiritual exemplar in your family.

ow exactly does spiritual modeling work? Social psychologists refer to it as “observational learning.” You watch your role models do stuff and then you end up doing it too. If only it were so easy! Instead, it has been said that observational learning works when certain specific things take place and, if you want to be a spiritual role model, you need to put those things into effect. First, for example, get their attention. It’s not enough that you are doing something; you need to draw it to your child’s attention. My wife (the real spiritual exemplar in our family) signed up to help cook meals whenever someone in the shul gave birth. Women banded together to help the newborn’s family get through the first week without having to worry about meals for the rest of the family. In her modest way, my wife did this without announcing it to our own kids until one day, one of the kids noticed there was an extra lasagna in the oven. Only then did they realize what their mother had been doing all along and they thereby learned that chesed, doing acts of kindness, was something that their mother had incorporated into her life on a regular

basis. In retrospect, it was a mistake to not draw it to the kids’ attention sooner. They can’t learn what they don’t know they’re supposed to learn. A second factor in observational learning is retention. A child needs to remember what they see and hear and the only way for that to happen is if the actions and behaviors are repeated over and over again. In the present example, they needed to see their mother cooking extra food for strangers or neighbors over and over again. But it would also apply to singing songs at the Shabbat table every week until the songs are memorized, or repeating aloud the blessing one is supposed to say when one hears thunder, so that the child’s response will be automatic when the situation again presents itself, or retelling the stories of the Torah portion every week to highlight the actions of the characters who are our collective spiritual exemplars. Behaviors, feelings, stories, experiences need to be repeated and internalized until they are a part of the fabric of one’s being if there is going to be any long-term impact. A third related factor is that for observed learning to be impactful it must be reproduced by the child himself or herself. It’s not enough to see someone To advertise, call 718-513-9885

else doing it; the child needs to feel what it’s like and needs feedback from the adult model about whether it is being done correctly. Kids need practice and, like any skill, be it playing an instrument or a sport, they need trainers and coaches, and, when it comes to spiritual skills and practices, parents are the ones most likely to provide that feedback…or not. Finally, there needs to be motivation, some inherent system of reward that energizes a child and tells him or her that this activity is worth doing. It could be the self-satisfaction that comes with the act or it could be the praise that comes from the parent or community, but as much as we’d like to think sometimes that kids will just learn how to do the right thing on their own, they still need something a little more self-serving along the way. Being a spiritual role model for one’s child requires thought and planning and routine. Being a spiritual exemplar is tough work, or as Mom always used to say, “Wait until you’re a parent one day and then you’ll understand.” This article originally appeared on ou.org

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