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mother who had been in my parenting classes years ago called with good news. “Miriam,” she enthused, “I just want to thank you for teaching me the Victory Technique. You promised that we would reap great rewards with our teens if we implemented the technique when they were small, and you were right… My 15-year-old ADHD son went to a party recently… The next day, he told me that there had been drugs and alcohol circulating, but that he hadn’t partaken. I asked him if the work we had done on victories while he was growing up had helped him resist the temptation. He looked at me intently and said, ‘That’s the only thing that helped! I told myself that it’s no victory to smoke dope or get drunk!’ I was so proud of him. When my children were young, I spent a lot of time talking about their victories, and my own, but I never knew how much he

internalized until that moment!” What is this “magical” Victory Technique? All you need to do is notice and cheer your smallest victories throughout the day. A victory is the term used when we resist our “animal” urges, like the urge to be mean, vengeful, lazy, greedy, jealous or selfish. It can be as simple as not eating junk food, doing a small kindness for a neighbor or giving charity. We all have hundreds of victories a day. If you start mentioning them when your children are young, they eventually start to think, “I’m a responsible, trustworthy person who can resist temptation and stand up to pressure.”

Yes, it takes time to alter deeply engrained beliefs, but you can do it!

Focusing on our positive actions is the only drug-free way to fight addictions, including “mood addictions” such as anxiety, depression and anger. Self-discipline is the basis for self-respect. Our ability to choose thoughts and actions is the preeminent sign of our Divine essence. A dog cannot choose not to bark. A cat cannot choose not to chase a mouse. Only humans have the wondrous gift of free will. True, it is not always easy to exercise this gift. We often feel like helpless victims of irresistible and uncontrollable urges. Moods descend on us. People insult and betray us. We experience endless frustrations, irritations and losses. If we focus on our victories – on the faith and fortitude required to get through the rough spots – we will gain more faith and more fortitude. Research shows that 80% of children enter first grade with a sense of

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self-worth, and twelve years later, 80% leave high school feeling defective and inferior. The Victory Technique is the only way to “immunize” our children against the attacks they will inevitably sustain to their sense of self-worth and competency. By cheering our children for “doing the difficult,” whether it is studying for a test or not insulting a sibling, they develop faith, in themselves and G‑d. A person controlled by his moods or urges cannot have faith in G‑d, for he lacks faith in himself. Each victory strengthens our connection to our Divine essence. You are never too old to start this process. If you think of yourself as inferior or incapable of self-control, you can change your brain patterns now. Yes, it takes time to alter deeply engrained beliefs, but you can do it! Start now. It is a victory to read this article! You had victories when you got up on time this morning, brushed your teeth, showered, paid your bills, spoke politely, made hundreds of decisions

about what to say, eat and buy. It is this awareness – not beauty, awards, money or grades – that is the source of true self-worth. A few weeks ago, I hosted two families with three young children, aged 2, 4 and 5. One of the husbands suffered from depression and was barely able to move. On Friday night, I announced that we would have a “Victory Shabbat,” and explained that throughout the Shabbat, whenever anyone said they were doing something difficult, I would put a raffle ticket in a box I prepared. Throughout Shabbat, we all had fun mentioning our victories, each vastly different from another’s. One thing that bothered the father was the thumb-sucking of his four-year-old. I told the child I’d put a ticket in the box each time he wanted to suck his thumb but refrained. He got 84 raffle tickets! The father was astounded that instead of having to scold his son for sucking his thumb, the child took the initiative

to stop on his own. Both parents said they found little need to scold or admonish the children all Shabbat. All they had to do was say, “Can you achieve this victory?” And the depressed husband, who had not gone to synagogue Friday night, said that his victory was to go Shabbat morning. As the day went on, he actually smiled a few times and became more involved in what was going on around him! Each of my children always had a “Victory Notebook,” and to this day, I keep one for myself. The Victory Technique proves that we can feel pleasure when we resist temptation, instead of feeling deprived. When children internalize a victory mindset, parents do not have to hover obsessively to make sure that they act properly. They learn to act appropriately on their own because doing so makes them proud! <

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R E B NUM 0 2 5 6 7 1 The story of Paul Argiewicz, a teenage Holocaust survivor.

aul Argiewicz was a young Jewish boy growing up in Bielsko, Poland, when the Nazis came to power. Forced to leave his home and his schooling – and ultimately his family – by the unfolding horrors of anti-Semitic violence, he eventually was arrested and transported to a concentration camp. Argiewicz spent nearly five years living by his wits in slave labor camps from Auschwitz to Buchenwald. Surviving WWII and the Holocaust against all odds, he lived to tell his story to the world. His account of perseverance and faith in the face of the relentless depravity of Hitler’s Third Reich and a society gone mad is an inspiring and cautionary tale that is both historic and timeless. Deanne L. Joseph’s moving new memoir, Number 176520 –The Story of Paul Argiewicz, a Teenage Holocaust Survivor, poignantly recounts one child’s journey through the terrors. With a preface and historical documentation provided by renowned Holocaust scholar, Professor Kenneth Waltzer (Director of Jewish Studies, Michigan State University), Number 176520 is quickly becoming an invaluable resource for students of the Holocaust. Following is an excerpt from the book: Paul and his family lived in the ghetto for about a year. In spite of the dire circumstances, his boyish, adventurous nature remained. He removed the identification patch from his clothing and sneaked out of the ghetto through an opening in the barbed wire fence. It was an act of defiance that would have landed him at the end of an executioner’s gun had he been caught, but somehow he was able to pull off this rite two to three times a week.

Being the gregarious child that he was, he made friends with some gentile children on the “outside.” They did not seem to mind that he was Jewish, and some of their parents even tried to help him in small ways. The father of one of his new friends owned a bakery. The man’s sympathetic conscience obliged him to turn a blind eye, allowing Paul to steal freshly baked bread from his store twice a week. The ritual continued for a year. Sometimes the determined young scavenger managed to find potato peels or other small provisions of vegetables and was always faithful to rush his smuggled goods back to his hungry family behind the fence. Eventually, Paul became so comfortable in his excursions that he inadvertently lowered his guard and came face to face with disaster. Returning to his family with a pair of stolen loaves of bread, he was approached by two SS officers. “Where did you get that bread?” they demanded “Where did you get that bread?” they demanded. Paul had never been so close to the enemy. He stood, accused and frozen. “Come with us!” The order was stern and curt. They snatched the bread from his hands. The pounding of his heart intensified until he thought it would surely break through his chest. He could barely breathe. He felt a hard, squeezing pressure on his arm — the grip of a Nazi. He had the sensation of walking very quickly, although he was unable to feel his legs. Were his feet touching the ground? Were they even moving? He heard only the sound of the officers’ boots clacking with each step on the hard street beneath their feet. His eyes burned as if on fire, and blurred images of his family flashed

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through his rattled brain. What would they think? Would he ever see them again? Were these men going to kill him? Paul fought to restrain the tears pooling in his eyes. He was only a child — his life was supposed to be ahead of him, not behind. They arrived at their destination: an old schoolhouse that had been converted into a transitory evaluation and detainment center, the Durkankslager. He was taken downstairs to the basement, the “dungeon.” It was filled with people standing in lines. Everywhere were the familiar Jewish identification patches. The Nazis pushed him into place with the others. He looked around at the detainees, predominantly grown men. He did not see any other children in the crowded space. An SS officer sat upright on a stool at the front of the room, one leg raised and bent at the knee with his booted foot confidently perched on a table. Behind him was a desk filled with papers. As each of the accused men made his way to the front of the line, he was questioned by the man on the stool, evaluated, and sent into a group either to the right or to the left. Paul was not sure why the men were being divided, but as he drew closer to the evaluating officer, he was overcome with a sense of doom. His mind fired rapid, disconnected thoughts. I’m only a child . . . perhaps if I tell them I’m only 11 years old . . . maybe they will have pity and let me go back to my parents. Without warning, a man behind him in the line kicked the back of his leg. He leaned into Paul’s ear and spoke quietly but firmly. “Don’t tell them your real age. Tell them you’re 18.”

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The words rolled off his lips in perfect Bavarian German. The officer looked up. His dusky eyes examined the youth before him. His brow furrowed, and he observed the boy for a moment. Paul felt as though he had been suspended in space and time. The moment seemed to last an eternity. Surely, he was exposed . . . guilty . . . he had lied . . . to an SS officer! The penalty for such an offense was execution. “You speak German?” The officer seemed amused. “Yes,” he responded once more in the language he had learned from his playmates. “You speak with a Bavarian accent. Why?” “My mother is from Bavaria,” he lied again. For another endless moment, the man’s eyes pierced him. Paul was able to manage a convincing expression. Finally, the harshness of the Nazi’s sharply featured face faded, yielding to a smile and a chuckle. “Go over there,” he said, nodding his head to his left. Paul moved in the direction of the nod, but he did not understand the purpose of separating the men. Would he be sent to work or to the grave? None of the men seemed to know the fate that awaited them. They remained in the detainment center for a few more days. Each day they were given small rations of bread and a cup of water. Paul allowed his mind to escape into a place of refuge and peace. He comforted himself with thoughts of his family, memories of good times they had shared, life in Phella’s beautiful home, and the hope that maybe he would soon be returning there. In the corner of his eye, Paul perceived movement through a window in the damp stone wall. He turned his head to look through the dusty glass. Just beyond the tall barbed-wire fence, his father stood, his eyes scouring the room through the wire and glass. Noah’s eyes found Paul’s. His hand flew over his head waving to his son, his familiar penetrating eyes filled with longing. He held his hand still for a moment and then let it fall limp to his side. He stood motionless, his gaze fixed on his child. Separated by barbed wire and guns, and the merciless cruelty of the human heart, father and son looked upon each other for the last time. Paul’s heart raced within him. An overwhelming urge demanded that he jump to his feet and run to the window. He dared not. To do so would jeopardize not only his fate but also now his father’s. Separated by brick and mortar, barbed wire and guns, and the merciless cruelty of the human heart, father and son looked upon each other for the last time. In that sacred moment, they knew that the bond they shared was beyond man’s reach; it was a bond protected and preserved in eternity. Still, the 11-year-old was overcome by the realization that he might never again feel the loving touch of his father’s strong hands or hear the sound of his voice. On the cold, hard floor, Paul covered his face and wept. His father was gone. <

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kamenecki Mother of Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky

DINI HARRIS HE’S NOT MY FATHER

sther Danzig was born in 1868 in Dolhinov, a small Belarusian shtetl. Her father, Reb Zorach Danzig, was a talmid chacham who had earned semichah, but provided for his family through his successful export and real estate endeavors. The Jews of the town knew that the poor of Dolhinov survived because of his generous charity. In 1870, Reb Zorach passed away suddenly at the age of 28. Devastated, his wife Devora died a few weeks later. Barely two years old, Esther Danzig had been orphaned of both families. Esther was adopted by her mother’s brother, Reb Yankel Puterfas. One of Reb Yankel’s daughters was named Esther, so the adopted Esther was called Ettil. Ettil was raised with the same care and love as the rest of the Puterfas children, and she naturally forgot her parents and assumed that she was a biological child of the family. When she was 15, Ettil had a dream in which a young man appeared to her and instructed her not to call Reb Yankel “Father,” since he, not Reb Yankel, was her real father. The dream so disturbed Ettil that she could not eat or drink. Her adoptive father asked her to reveal the source of her misery. After hearing the dream, he confirmed the story. Reb Yankel and his wife had invested thirteen years of love and nurturing in their niece. Still, as a result of this dream, they told Ettil to abide by her father’s wish and cease to call them “Father” and “Mother.” Ettil decide to reunite with her older sister, who had moved back to her parents’ estate in Dolhinov. Reb Yankel and his wife helped Ettil with her travel plans. Ettil had strong feelings of hakaras hatov for the years she had spent in the Puterfas home. She eventually honored Reb Puterfas by naming her son Yaakov in his memory. The tranquility and love that she had absorbed in her formative years were implanted as the cornerstone of her own home.

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OPENING SHOP Confident and energetic, Ettil opened a store in Dolhinov. Despite her personal charm, her status as an orphan limited her shidduch opportunities. In 1886, a local wealthy businessman, Reb Shmuel Hirsch Kamenecki, chose Ettil as a wife for his son Binyomin. Binyomin was involved in various aspects of his father’s enterprises, but was unable to do the heavy manual labor required for logging and farming because one side of his body had been paralyzed by smallpox. The orphan bride and lame groom married and moved to Kaliskovkeh to live near Reb Binyomin’s family. A few years later, the couple — now a family with a three children — moved back to Dolhinov. Reb Binyomin was limited in his ability to work, but at first his father supplemented the growing family’s income. Later on, when much of Reb Shmuel Hirsch’s estate was appropriated by the Russian czar, Ettil was forced to think of creative ways to bring more money into the home. For a while she cooked for local university students. Despite her efforts, Ettil’s family lived on a lower economic standard than her husband’s family, yet Ettil expended great efforts in maintaining a home of calmness; she focused on the good and not on the difficulties.

Years later, when discussing aspects of chinuch, Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky stated that bachurim living in a dormitory would benefit from spending Shabbos in a family environment, contending that there is much to learn from observing family interactions and testifying that he himself had learned much from watching his parents. On Shabbos, the Kamenecki home revolved around Torah. Reb Binyomin, accompanied by some of his sons, would wake up at 2:00 a.m. Shabbos morning to learn Torah in the shul before davening. On Shabbos afternoons, Ettil would read the Tzenah U’Renah out loud in Yiddish for her children and other women. Although the Kameneckis were not of rabbinical stock, Ettil encouraged her son Yaakov’s progress in Torah learning. Rav Yaakov learned the aleph-beis sounds and nekudos at a young age from a yeshivah student who ate daily in his parents’ house. With his mother’s encouragement, he soon learned how to blend the letters and sounds and was proficient in reading before he started cheder. When Rav Yaakov reached the age of twelve, Reb Binyomin and Ettil knew the time had come to decide their son’s future. The family was poverty stricken. Rav Yaakov was old enough to get a job and help bring in income that the family

Although the

Kameneckis were

not of rabbinical stock, Ettil

encouraged her son Yaakov’s progress in Torah learning.

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sorely needed. However, after much deliberation, Ettil decided that “my jewel will not sparkle in Dolhinov.” In light of Rav Yaakov’s hasmadah and genius in Torah, she sent him to learn in the big city of Minsk. Ettil did not see her son for two and a half years, until she and Reb Binyomin decided to move to Minsk. When Rav Yaakov returned to his parents’ home, Ettil noticed that in place of bedding he was using sackcloth. When she asked her son about his strange linens, he explained that his original set had been burned in a fire. Ettil began to cry uncontrollably at the thought that her beloved son could have been gravely injured. The Kameneckis’ financial situation did not improve in Minsk. Rav Yaakov’s siblings all contributed their wages for the general household. Ettil used some of this money to buy expensive fruits like apples and oranges, which she served exclusively to Rav Yaakov when he came home after a long day of Torah study. Testimony to the harmony which presided in Ettil’s home is the fact that the other siblings did not complain about the special treats that their brother received with their hard-earned money. One day, soon after Ettil moved to Minsk, Rav Yaakov brought a friend to visit. Ettil immediately sensed a special aura around the boy, who had not reached the age of bar mitzvah. She called Rav Yaakov aside and asked him, “Who is this? The Shechinah rests on him.” On this first meeting, Ettil was already able to feel that Rav Yaakov’s lifelong friend, Rav Aharon Kotler, was steeped in Torah. As Rav Yaakov progressed in his learning and moved from Minsk to Slobodka, the world he knew was shattered by World War I. Separated from his parents by the war, he learned Torah while escaping the Russian draft. His parents were unable to attend his wedding due to the upheaval in Europe at the time. Over the decades, as Rav Yaakov traveled from Slobodka, then to Tzitavyan, where he first served as rabbi, and then to Se-

attle, Toronto and New York, he was noted for his astounding Torah knowledge. In addition to his brilliance in Torah, Rav Yaakov’s hallmark was his attention to all aspects of bein adam l’chaveiro. Chanoch l’naar al pi darko — educate a child according to his way. Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky’s mother, Ettil, gave her son the loving, accepting platform necessary to forge a path in Torah. Story upon story is told of Rav Yaakov’s derech eretz, his listening ear and his love for all he met. Perhaps Rav Yaakov saw these middos first in his mother and then further refined them and adopted them as his own.

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THE RABBI’S

Marriage Manual A famous non-Jewish woman once came to me for advice about her marriage problems. At the end of our discussion, I asked, “Did you consult your priest about this?” “Yes, I did,” she replied. “What did he tell you to do?” “Pray.” “And did you?” “Yes, of course.” “So what happened?” I asked. “The prayer didn’t work, so I went back to the priest.” “What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Pray harder.’” “And?” “That didn’t work either, so I came to you.” My response: “Giving advice about marriage must be quite a challenge for someone who’s never been married!” Sometime later, one of the members of my synagogue came to speak with me. Although I had spent hours counseling him, his marriage was a mess. “Rabbi,” he asked me in despair, “what do you suggest I do now?” My response: “Pray.”

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RABBI AARON LAINE

AM A PRACTICING RABBI. OVER THE YEARS that I have spent counseling hundreds of couples with marriage problems, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a need for a system to help people improve their relationships. It’s vital to keep families whole and healthy, both for the welfare of society in general and for the Jewish people in particular. It just makes sense. How can a lifestyle be considered good and healthy when the marriages associated with it are falling apart and kids are growing up in broken homes? The information that I am providing will help you to understand your own behavior as well as the behavior of your spouse. By working on yourself, you’ll become a better husband or wife and your relationship will automatically improve. But first, I’d like to ask a question. Marriage has been around since the beginning of mankind, yet, in so many cases, it’s far from ideal. On the other hand, man’s accomplishments in the fields of technology, medicine and the sciences are unbelievable. We have developed the technology to enable help people with severe disabilities to communicate and manipulate objects by using their brainwaves. We have objects with properties that alchemists could only dream of. We’ve sent people to outer space, not as scientists, but as tourists. Yet despite all these advances, virtually every couple, beginning with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, had to overcome issues to make their marriage work. Why haven’t we discovered a method to make the most fundamental institution in society work?

Addressing the Challenge

It’s not like we haven’t tried. Some of the greatest philosophers, acclaimed psychologists and knowledgeable therapists have addressed the challenge. Over the course of time, they have produced — and still are producing — tens of thousands of pages filled with ideas and advice on how to make a marriage work. Yet my guess is that many of them are divorced or dissatisfied with their own marriages. The reason is obvious. Most people don’t follow the advice and suggestions given by the experts. Why? Because to do so requires effort, dedication and commitment. Rabbi Ma-

nis Friedman, author of Doesn’t Anyone Blush Anymore and an acclaimed expert in the field of marriage counseling, put it this way, “For marriage to work, first you need to be willing to divorce yourself…from yourself.” It’s hard to make behavioral changes and break addictive habits like smoking and drinking. Changing our nature is even more difficult, yet it can be done. Let’s begin by exploring some of the most common phrases used to describe problem relationships. These phrases include: “Lack of communication” — a politically correct code for “Men have a difficult time communicating. They prefer to manage their problems alone, and aren’t accustomed to sharing their feelings.” “Unrealistic expectations” — translated, this expression means, “When I married him, I was positive that he’d make me feel loved, cherished and cared for. But now I discovered that men don’t do those things. I expected him to be a real gentleman. Instead, he’s focused on his work, passionate about his hobbies and close to his friends. I not only feel neglected, I am neglected!” “Constant commands and complaints” — the masculine definition for requests that range from picking up your socks to helping the kids with their homework to spending more quality time with the wife. Are you ready to give up? Don’t! Experience has taught me that each of these grievances is a smoke screen for a core problem. Find and resolve the core problem and the symptoms will disappear. Let me give an example to illustrate the benefit of understanding the core problem. Suppose you have a child who is bright and intelligent but is not doing well in school. You would naturally be upset and form different theories as to why your child is failing. Depending on how you were raised, you might blame the child for a lack of effort and interest. If the problem continues, you might use rewards or punishments to pressure the child. You might accuse the teacher or school of not properly addressing the issue. You’d view the problem completely differently, however, if you found out that your child needs glasses or has a chronic hearing problem, is dyslexic or is hyperactive. Instead of trying to control the symptoms, you’d address the cause.

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Learning to Be Happy

So let’s begin by addressing the problem of happiness. I once asked a group of students, “How long does it take to become a lawyer?” “Four years,” someone said. “A doctor with a specialty?” “Ten years,” was the reply. “And what’s more difficult, being a lawyer, a doctor or a spouse?” “A spouse,” was the overwhelming response. “Before we get married, how much time do we devote to learning about relationships?” “None.” “Isn’t that absurd?” I asked. “Wouldn’t it make sense to spend some time prior to marriage to learn how to make it a success?” Someone in the audience shouted, “Then no one would ever get married!” If I were to ask you, “What are you looking for in life?” how would you respond? Do you desire peace? Money? Power? Health? Happiness? All of the above? No matter what you respond, it usually boils down to one thing — happiness. A lack of health or peace impacts my happiness. An inability to pay the rent, grocery bill or children’s school creates anxiety, which affects our ability to be happy. Now that we know that we’re looking for happiness, how do we go about obtaining it? Can we buy it in the mall? Does it have a price? As absurd as it sounds, many people actually believe happiness is a commodity that can be purchased. They confuse a moment of fun or pleasure with happiness and spend their money trying to find it. Eventually they become addicted to the high of buying something new, so when the rush is over, they have to run out to buy or do something else. This is similar to a person who is addicted to a chemical substance. He’s addicted to the substance, but why did he take the drug in the first place? Because he wanted to feel happy and confused a quick high for the feeling of true happiness. Are some people just born happy while others don’t stand a chance? It would seem so. Just as there are optimists and pessimists, extroverts and introverts, there also exist people

who are naturally happier then others. Yet, although some people have a naturally happy disposition, unless there’s a chemical imbalance or disorder that requires treatment, every human being can be happy. True, in some circumstances it requires more effort. But happiness is definitely within every person’s reach. I would like to point out that according to Judaism happiness is not a destination. Instead, it’s a process that enables us to successfully reach our destination. The Torah says, “Ivdu es Hashem b’simchah, serve Hashem in joy.” The goal is to serve G-d to the best of our ability, and that can only happen if we are happy with what we are doing.

Practical Steps to Being Happy

Happiness is a process. Since it doesn’t cost anything, it’s not dependent on our standard of living or socio-economic level. However, for most of us, it takes continual practice to integrate happiness as a natural part of our lives. Here are a few exercises to help you achieve happiness (at least until you read the newspaper or turn on the radio or computer!). 1. Keep count. At night, before going to sleep, think of three good things that happened during the day and analyze how and why they occurred. At the end of the week, review all the good things that happened to you that week. 2. Enjoy life. Take time to savor (and be thankful for) the things in life you enjoy, such as a warm shower, a good breakfast or a sunny day. 3. Set an achievable goal and then go for it! It doesn’t have to be earth shattering. It could be something as simple as eating cottage cheese instead of lasagna for lunch. But if you set a goal and meet it, you will feel happy. 4. Make someone smile. Practice random acts of kindness. Make sure to perform different acts each day so that it doesn’t become habitual. The more you help others to be happy, the happier you’ll become. Happiness is the first ingredient in the formula for a healthy marriage. Stay tuned for the next installment…

Do-It-Yourself

Simchahs Chany Rosengarten

eaving it to the caterer’s whim

was not an option when Suri made her first bar mitzvah. She knew that on her budget, the caterer’s fare would be sorry, or at least not with the same flair she liked to host her family and friends. So she did it herself. “The simchah was so warm and homey; people wouldn’t leave after the event. I had people sitting and schmoozing on my couches until after midnight.” But that wasn’t the only benefit of bringing her son’s bar mitzvah home. Suri was able to transform her dining room and playroom into the ballrooms of her dreams. No longer limited to the taste of the halls she would have rented, she now had her own four walls. She put a large bouquet of flowers on her banister, and set about dressing up her tables. When the hour came, she greeted each guest at the door and welcomed them into her home. The lights shone, her bar mitzvah boy beamed, and Suri, surrounded by her guests, smiled. Suri says she couldn’t have done it alone, and her cleaning lady was an integral part of the festivities. So were her friends who pitched in. Yet she also admits that the day after, her cleaning lady suffered from overwork syndrome and chose that day to take a vacation. Suri claims she survived to tell the tale, even planning to host additional simchahs at home. She cautions that only those who can be creative on an even keel should do it. “I’m not saying that my children didn’t have scrambled eggs for dinner the next night. But they weren’t my scapegoats when things got hectic.” If you plan to let out your frustration on your kids when the napkins come out rumpled, it’s not worth it. Leave the event to a party planner or caterer. On the other hand, giving your kids tasks like running out for some soda, tying strings on the souvenir or arranging chairs around the table keeps them involved and happy. As a guest at Suri’s simchah, I enjoyed the unique setup and warm welcome. Here are the tips she shared with me:

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Prepare

✽ When you spot a pretty dish on sale at your outlet store, buy it. These dishes will come in handy later. Bowls, ladles, linen napkins, pretty paper goods, and pitchers are all worthy of your simchah table. So stock up, especially if you are making a simchah in the near future. ✽ Two weeks before the simchah, visit a cheap party store to see what’s available. Purchase items that match your theme. ✽ Plan a menu that’s easy to prepare. If you have a freezer, consider cooking things in advance. Decide whether you will do it yourself or get a network of friends involved to cut the salad or fry the schnitzel. ✽ Purchase specialty ingredients in advance. Inform your friends of your simchah and distribute jobs to anyone offering to help. If you will garnish your plate with sugar crystals, enlist your friend to do it now. If you want to have kugel on the bar, tell your neighbor that you’d appreciate a kugel in a square pan. ✽ Start by preparing the nonperishable food. For example, if you plan to put a chocolate waffle into the drink, temper and mold the chocolate a week in advance.

Set Up

setting up a simchah yourself has advantage of carrying your signature. Play around with decorative items to decide on the look. ✽ Start setting up two days in advance by preparing tables and chairs. Pull those folding chairs out of your storage, or from the gemachim or rentals that offer round, oval, square or rectangular shapes. Take into account the size of your room and number of people you expect. ✽ Color. Choose your color scheme to create the mood. Use two base colors with two coordinating colors to add splashes to the décor. Darker, deep colors like wine, navy or purple are for a subdued look. Light colors like baby yellow, greens and peaches are for a lighter touch. Combine a dark and light contrast; tie it together with another shade. ✽ Tablecloths are the foundation of your setup. If you have your own, take them out, look them over to ensure their condition and starch them. Tablecloths start your decorations off on the right base, so you might want to rent.

When choosing tablecloths, go with solid colors that will accentuate your color scheme. Choose mint green and white if your centerpiece will be a spray of white lilies or baby breath. Choose deep maroon for a gold and crystal theme. Size your tablecloths to hang down low, but not sweep the floor. Ensure that you have ample tablecloths to cover the tables and coordinating buffets. Go with one or two colors that tie together. Try a dark color with a light runner spanning the center. Consider a crème tablecloth with a royal blue tablet in the center. ✽ Flowers. From the minimal to an elaborate bouquet, flowers enliven your table. A single bloom in a vase adds a tall, graceful look. A plump bouquet that bows under its own weight gives your table vibrancy. Talk to your florist. Discuss color schemes and prices. Most bouquets can be done up with a minimal effort. For a minimalist but elegant affect, choose roses and splay them out in a row of three identical vases, each holding a single bloom. For an exuberant effect, choose exotic flowers and mix them with the traditional. Floating flowers are an easy stunt to give a wow effect without breaking the bank. Add marbles on the bottom of the vase, flowers in a bowl of water, and candles floating on top. ✽ Candles. Candles welcome your guests into your home with the soft glow of ambiance. Go with small candles in crystal cups, large candles set directly on the table or on a bed of marbles or flowers, or a bunch of tall tapers set in a candelabrum. Choose a smell that won’t detract from the food aroma. ✽ Centerpieces. A centerpiece adds focus and ties the elements in the room together. A white branch for a frosty winter theme, a tall jar of jalapeños for spice, a decorative water canister, a Judaic item, or a three-dimen-

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sional work of art pull your flair to the center of the table. ✽ Props. Less is more. If your table already has flowers and candles, a pitcher of water with a lemon floating on top will do. You won’t need a cake stand, a bencher stand, and another centerpiece. Choose from your collection wisely, and play around. Put it on the table, see what affect it has, and take it off. Make sure your table flows smoothly. ✽ Snow. For a burst of pizzazz, throw little somethings all over. Try flower petals in the fresh or silk variety. Crystal balls in your color family sparkle up the table. Small silk flowers, butterflies, paper cutouts or even jelly beans if the occasion calls for it can be used. ✽ Settings. Your setting can be traditional, with cups and knives. Set up a charger and plate, spoons, forks and knives. Include a fish knife if that’s on your menu or a soup spoon for soup. Place crystal goblets for each drink on the menu including a wine, water and drink cup. Choose between paper or real dishes. If you have invested in a set of dishes, now’s the time to use it. It gives a very royal feel to the table. Paper plates take less work and there are many beautiful options. If you have real silverware, use them. If you will be using disposable, ensure they won’t break when plying the meat. ✽ Napkins. Napkins can be the paper variety; you can play around with the various options and get the perfect choice. Choose two coordinating colors that tie into your theme, or a print that makes a statement. Linen napkins take washing and pressing but are often worth the effort, if you’re doing a solid look. These linen napkins can be purchased in outlet stores or rented. To enhance your setting, drape them from under the charger, fan them out on the plates, roll them and set them next to the forks, or do a cool fold. Napkin rings are trinkets that add a lot. From paper rings that have a printed bar mitzvah logo on them, to crystal rings, to sterling silver or wire with a tchatchke hanging on them, they add fun in an unobtrusive way. ✽ Place cards. If you will arrange seating in advance, create cards that coordinate with the event. Cards with a neat script and border are for

formal affairs. If your event is a party with a fun element, make the cards reflect that. ✽ Entrée. You want to have something on the table so that guests can sit down and have a bit right away. Challah rolls, bread, twists or something to wash on starts the meal right away. You can coordinate with the décor when choosing your entrée. Keep it light and fresh, something to start the meal and whet the appetite. Start the meal with fruit or vegetable salad. You can give a whole fruit, a fruit salad, or a smoothie in a tall glass with a garnish and straw. A colorful medley of nuts, fruits, and even meats can be set on a bed of lettuce, for dazzling color. ✽ Souvenir. A small favor, photo, or even take-home food makes your simchah memorable even beyond your good-bye at the door. Put a chocolate into a favor box or a framed photo or novelty into a cellophane bag at each place setting. Utilize mini baskets, bags, or holders that match your table to hide even a small cache of after-dinner mints.

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Bar

A bar offers your guests the option of serving themselves and mingling. The bar is an extension of your table in that it reflects the atmosphere you created on the tables. You can have a full bar, complete with the entire menu, or just a dessert bar. If yours is a sit-down, served affair, skip the bar altogether. ✽ Use the same tablecloths, flowers, candles, and props you used on the table for the bar. Set it up at various heights but keep it neat by leaving space between food and decorative items. ✽ The items on your bar can differ from what’s on the table, but should coordinate. For an elegant affair, use crystal candelabras to hold up trays of food on varying heights. For a fresh, summery affair, drop lemons, lime and oranges in water pitchers and place trays of food on top. For a dark purple affair, use peaches and plums in a vase for heights, and for a floral feel, leave rose petals or flowers under your trays. ✽ Set up food in serving dishes or in individual plates. With melon, you can cube them into large trifle bowls, or set up rows of small cups. Salad can be placed in a large salad bowl or set up individually. ✽ Hot foods can be served in chafing dishes laid out in a parallel line. ✽ Show off cakes, the tallest one highlighted by surrounding it with smaller, less elaborate ones.

Examine

✽ Flow. Does the design mesh? Do the individual colors blend? Do the courses on your menu lend themselves to each other? ✽ Do you have everything you’ll need on hand, including ladles, towels and toothpicks? ✽ Are lights, air conditioning and coat racks in place? ✽ Do you have enough cleaning and serving help the day of the simchah and the day after?

Baalei simchah enjoy hosting a simchah in their own homes. They don’t have to shlep, they can greet their guests on their own turf, and the simchah is that much more cozy and individualized. But planning it yourself adds an additional dimension. It’s a place to pour out your creativity in a way your guests will admire and enjoy. It’s a time to welcome guests with your signature flavor written on every wall. Enjoy the preparation, and mazal tov! NyBuzzMagazine.com I To advertise, call 718-513-9885

Home

Shabbat for

DEENA YELLIN

s I settled into my seat on Flight 1272 bound for Chicago, I glanced at the passengers filing down the aisle. My Jew-radar immediately went off; in addition to the business travelers toting their laptops and briefcases and the pleasure travelers wearing shorts and Walkmans, I spied several suede kippot, a striemel and ankle-length skirts. Despite our shared heritage, I didn’t bother acknowledging them. They were strangers. And I live in New York, where strangers seldom exchange greetings, even if they recite the same prayers. The plane rolled toward the runway and I waited for takeoff. No such luck. The pilot announced the flight was being delayed three hours due to stormy weather conditions in Chicago. I glanced at my watch nervously. Usually, I avoid flying Friday afternoons for fear I won’t arrive in time, but on summer weekends when Shabbat doesn’t begin until 8 p.m., I figured I’d be safe. I figured wrong. But I calculated that I could just make it if I didn’t

claim my luggage and jumped into a taxi. I turned around to check on my co-religionists. Two kippot were examining their watches. The Chasid was on the airphone. A half-hour before arrival, the pilot announced O’Hare Airport was shut down and we were landing in Milwaukee until we could continue on. My stomach sunk. Candle-lighting was an hour away. I’d never make it on time. Like most religious Jews who work in the secular world, I’d experienced my share of close calls. But I never knowingly violated the Sabbath. Now, I was stuck. By now, the kippot and long skirts were huddled in the back of the plane. They had been joined by others. Shabbat was bringing strangers together. It was time to introduce myself. We’re going to get off in Milwaukee, a young man told me. The Chasid had called Milwaukee’s Chabad Rabbi, who offered to host any stranded passengers for Shabbat. Come with us, he urged. I nodded with relief but returned to my seat crestfallen since I had planned this weekend with

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my family for months. My non-Jewish seatmate, noticing my despair, inquired what was wrong. When I told him the story, his jaw dropped. “Let me get this straight,” he said. “You’re getting off the plane in a town where you’ve never been, with people you don’t know, to stay overnight with complete strangers?” For the first time that day, it occurred to me just how lucky I was. When the plane landed, the pilot announced we were disembarking first for religious reasons. Passengers stared at us, dumbfounded. My seatmate bid me farewell as if he didn’t think I’d survive. But I quickly realized I was among friends. As I attempted to carry my bags off the plane, a woman insisted on helping me. When we crowded into cabs to take us to the Rabbi’s house, the Chasid insisted on paying for me. And when the cabs pulled up at the home of the Rabbi and Rebbetzin, they ran outside to greet us as if we were long lost relatives. The sun set on Milwaukee as they ushered us into their home, where a long table was set for Shabbat with a white tablecloth, china and gleaming kiddush cups.

My nonJewish seatmate, noticing my despair, inquired what was wrong. When I told him the story, his jaw dropped.

When I lit the Shabbat candles, a wave of peace washed over me. With all that had transpired, I was warmed by the notion that the world stops with the first flicker of Sabbath light. Over a traditional Shabbat feast, the Rabbi enchanted us with tales of the Baal Shem Tov and informed us that our re-route to Milwaukee was due not to the world of weather but of Divine providence. We lingered over our meal, enjoying our spiritual sanctuary in time after the stressful day. Zemirot (Shabbat songs) filled the room. We shared disappointments about our unexpected stopover. Most of the group was traveling to Chicago for their friend’s aufruf (“calling up” the groom to the Torah on the Shabbat before a wedding) and wedding and were missing the aufruf. The Chasid and his wife were missing a bar mitzvah. We pondered the meaning of the departure from our journey and marveled at the coincidences. I had attended camp with my roommate, a couple had conducted business with my father, a man had studied in yeshiva with my cousin, the Chasid used to work in my hometown of Aurora, Ill., and I had once spent Purim in Crown Heights with my hosts’ son. Exhausted as we were, everyone was hesitant to leave the table to go to sleep. The next morning, a lively tefillah was followed by a leisurely meal where we exchanged stories about our lives, careers and dreams. We nicknamed ourselves the Milwaukee 15 and wondered if future generations would retell the story of the flight that didn’t make it in time for candlelighting. Saturday night, we made a regretful journey to the everyday world. But before we began the final leg of our journey, I called my husband to tell him all that had transpired. “Who did you spend Shabbat with?” he asked worriedly. I pondered how to explain who these former strangers were who had given me object lessons in Shabbat hospitality and in the power of Shabbat in bringing Jews together. And then, as swiftly as a 747 can leave the tarmac on a clear day, I realized the truth: miles away from my parents, husband and home, I had accomplished what I set out to do when I booked my ticket: I had spent Shabbat with family. <

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