beautiful she is beautiful, her bald head, her smiling eyes. she is beautiful, her alluring hospital gown, draped over her thin, weak shoulders, like a curtain. she is beautiful, regardless of the bags under her eyes. regardless of the tubes connected to her body. regardless of her frail, frail limbs. it is hard to believe someone so, so beautiful could be so very sick. http://vocaroo.com/i/s0Rk5ZwvQCmq
Sorry. You say sorry, Every single time I find out the truth. Every single time the side of my mouth twitches, But I suppress the suspicion creeping on my back. You say sorry, And I am sucked into a whirlpool of love, And I believe you. It happens again. You say sorry, And over, and over, I forgive. You have said sorry so many times That I have gotten tired of the word. But everything about you is so beautiful, So perfect, How could you not mean something that you said? I remember all the good times we had, The way you filled my body with happiness, and butterflies. The way you made me light-headed—in a good way. Your laugh, And your smile. You don’t smile the same smile anymore. You always tell me that it won’t happen again. You promise that you love me. Well guess what? It happens again. It happens over and over, And I feel as if I’m in the game of life: Frustrated that I cannot beat it. Frustrated that all I get is this one now meaningless word: Sorry. I try over and over. I try with you. For you. One betrayal after another, Followed by a word I am so, so familiar with. Almost too familiar. I stay Because I love you. You say it back. Then you say sorry, And pull away. I don’t know what you’re apologizing for. You look me in the eyes, And give me a smile.
I forgive you, for whatever you have done. My heart is melting. I am a sucker for that smile. You become tight-lipped, and turn away again. You are silent for a moment, before you look back at me. You don't come around anymore. I know I am clinging to hope. Hope that somewhere, deep inside you, is you. The one that would brush off your own duties to attend to me. The one that would listen, and talk to me, anytime of the day. The one who would surprise me with small, meaningful gifts, which meant the world to me. The person I loved before starts to fade. You start to fade. You are hiding behind a wall Of unnecessary apologies. You are different. But I cling to the last thread of hope. You open your mouth. I am thinking you are going to apologize again. For whatever sin you have committed. We both know I’ll forgive. Even if I tried to not— I’d come running right back, Desperately clutching at the string of faith that you are still you inside, Just hoping, Hoping, Hoping, That the old you would come back. That I’d catch a glimpse of your loving persona. You shake your head, And a foreign word comes out of your mouth. “Stop.” You say. I am confused. I am lost in your clear, blue eyes. “Stop what?” I ask. “Forgiving me.” You shake your head again, before pulling out a pack of cigarettes. You know I hate them. I wrinkle my nose in discontent, but you are distracted. “Why?” I question. You shake your head a third time and light the cigarette. “Because.” Your answer is short and curt.
“I love you.” I say, searching for the warmth that I once knew and experienced. You are gazing silently into the distance, exhaling smoke. You are so perfect. Is it possible to feel this way about someone? I wait a moment. You don’t say it back. This is the first time you haven’t said it back. You turn towards me, and stomp out your cigarette. “I’m sorry.” You say. And then you walk away, And I stand there, alone in the hallway. “I forgive you.” http://vocaroo.com/i/s1mfupP7gQPw
this is what i meant this is what i meant to say the night you disappeared. this is what i meant to say the night it all went wrong. this is what i meant to say before i let you down. this is what i meant to say: i’m sorry. … and … i miss you. http://vocaroo.com/i/s1cr1bB0n6QI
runaway i am a runaway. running away is all i’ve ever known. from my parents, my family, my friends, and most importantly: the truth. i am a runaway. i can’t handle the stress of staying. i can’t handle seeing the wrong in life. i am a runaway. i remember how i ran away from you. how my name desperately left your lips. how you pleaded for me to come back. how you begged me to understand. i remember how i didn’t look back. i remember all of your texts, calls, and emails. i remember how i left them: unanswered. i am a runaway. i run away. it’s what i do best. i am out of breath, but i run, run, and run. i don’t stop. i don’t look back. there is no time for regrets. i keep running. i avoid you. i pretend i don’t notice the glances you cast me from afar: filled with longing and sorrow. i pretend i don’t miss you. but we both know that... i do. yet i keep running, and running, and running. after all, i am a runaway. running away is what i do best. only this time... just maybe...
i’ll let you catch up. http://vocaroo.com/i/s1tANB7e3nX5
Applesauce It’s hard to believe Something as small As insignificant As applesauce Would make an impact on my life. I never would have guessed either. Applesauce always mattered— Just not in the same way. Not until you died. And now I find comfort in applesauce— The savory taste Stinging its way on the tip of my tongue, Staining bittersweet memories through my mind. Eating the liquid treat Reminds me of you. How we would always sit down At precisely 5, And eat can after can of applesauce. We sat until 6, Talking, Laughing, Reminiscing. Well now you’re gone, And I don’t have anyone to eat applesauce with— But myself. I don’t mind. I feel as if you are with me, Regardless if you’re not. Applesauce will always be my thing. Our thing. Sometimes I feel your presence, Hovering over me. And sometimes I hear you laugh, The sound drifting lightly through the wind. And now that you’re gone, I start to realize how I took so, so much for granted.
How I’d always come back from school, And know that you were there— Waiting for our applesauce meeting. And one day, You weren’t. I remember that day. How Mom stumbled into the room, Hugging me tightly like she had never done before. Tears were falling, And I was confused. Until she said two words. “He’s dead.” I felt a cold stabbing at my heart as if I were the one who was dying. I refused to believe it. No more applesauce meetings? No more of your laughter? No more of your smiles? No more you? But as time passed, it seemed true— Too true. Even though you’re gone, Applesauce will always be a part of me, A part of my past and present. A part of you. The part that I carry with me every day. I am going through my closet when I find a shirt stained with applesauce, From when we laughed so hard You spilled on me. I was mad, But now? I’m just sad. Outside, the wind blows, Causing the chimes hanging on my window To lightly tap together. You got me those chimes for my 10th birthday. You said they reminded you of beauty, And you said that they reminded you of me. The light airy sound rings through the air.
My fingers grip the stained shirt, As if it’d disappear, Just like you did. I don’t bother to wash it before tugging it over my shoulders and onto my body. The chimes only ring louder. I make my way through the house, Faltering only a second as I pass your office. The door is open and untouched. Just how you left it. As if you were coming back. I find my way to the kitchen, my mind an endless void of thoughts. I don’t think when I stumble over to the applesauce cans, And pry a few out of the box. I am not in control of my own body. I do not feel myself as I lumber clumsily over to the table. All I know is that applesauce brings comfort. I open the lid. I do not bother to get a spoon. Instead, I breathe in the sweet, apple smell of the comforting snack. You smelled like applesauce. I dip my finger in, and lick. My tongue is greeted by the familiar sweet cinnamon taste of the purée. And I am immersed into The memories of us Laughing as the wind chimes ring behind us. For a second it feels like you are with me. But I know it’s too good to be true. Even though you’re gone, I still eat can after can of applesauce, And that's all that matters. http://vocaroo.com/i/s0LNYncZLSH7
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