Heart of Wisdom Book by Canaan Iuli

UNDERSTANDING DEVELOPING YOUR EQ THROUGH GOD’S WISDOM

• B I B L E S T U D Y B Y•

DEBORAH BUCKINGHAM

Copyright © 2018 by Deborah Buckingham All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise – without prior written permission of Deborah Buckingham, except as provided by United States copyright law. Published by Gregory and Deborah Buckingham They can be reached at soulnourishments@gmail.com Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked AMP are taken from the Amplified Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked AMPCE are taken from the Amplified Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked ERV are take from the Easy-To-Read Version. Copyright © 2006 by Bible League international Scripture marked NCV taken from the New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NKJV taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Scripture marked TLB taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. The Living Bible, TLB, and the The Living Bible logo are registered trademarks of Tyndale House Publishers. Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. First Printing, 2017 ISBN 0-9000000-0-0 Printed in the United States of America 14 13 12 11 10 / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

contents

preface V

A LETTER FROM DEBORAH

the plan 1

WEEK 1:

WEEK 2:

WEEK 3:

WEEK 4:

WEEK 5:

WEEK 6:

welcome

to The Heart of Wisdom W

hat is EQ? EQ is short for “emotional quotient,” sometimes referred to as emotional intelligence or emotional maturity. It is the ability to understand and manage our powerful, God-given emotions. How well we manage our emotions affects everything in our lives: our spiritual maturity, our relationships with God, and our relationships with others. It also affects how we feel about ourselves. The Bible talks a lot about wisdom—and EQ is an essential part of wisdom. Have you ever wondered how some can “grow old” in the church and never “grow up” in the church? I believe one of the biggest reasons is they have never matured emotionally, even though they may be able to quote their favorite Bible passages, chapter and verse. This Bible Study unpacks the importance of identifying negative emotions, taking control of them with the help of the Holy Spirit, how to stay motivated for the journey, the importance of tuning in to others and being aware of their emotions. It ends with pointing the way toward living a life of love. This study includes groundbreaking, scientific research regarding our emotions that backs up Scriptural truth.

This study guide is accompanied by a six-session video teaching series. Ideally, you will complete each lesson individually, then join with your small group to watch the video and discuss the study guide questions together. Let me encourage you: you’ll get out of the study what you put into it. Studying on your own will make your group times that much richer. The benefits of growing our EQ result in better health, spiritual maturity, wisdom, more intimate relationships, a better sense of our God-given purpose, and greater, overall happiness. God made us to thrive and promises an abundant life in Him. Emotional maturity goes a long way toward enabling us to reach this goal; it opens the door to a whole new, God-infused and directed life. So come on! Let’s dig in and learn how we can grow our emotional capacity! Love, Deborah Buckingham www.Nourishments.org

WEEK 1 - WHAT IS EQ?

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an article entitled Let God Change Your Mind. In it, she writes: “There was a time I was nearly powerless against my own emotions. Growing up in a household made confusing by my mother’s schizophrenia, I learned to mask my feelings well—the only way I knew how to handle them. When bad things happened or I got negative feedback, I’d quickly plummet into discouragement, depression, and sometimes self-pity. It was amazing how quickly I could drop from fine to really, really not fine . . . “Things have changed. I’ve changed.” Amy explains how she changed her life and her emotions by receiving and sending herself different messages based on healthy truth found in God’s Word.

motional Quotient (sometimes referred to as Emotional Intelligence) is most often defined as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions. It is also the ability to recognize, understand, tune into, and caringly influence the emotions of others. Why do a study on Emotional Quotient? Because God promises His children an abundant, full, thriving life; as believers, we should be the most emotionally mature of all . . . but are we? Most of us are unaware of the powerful impact our emotions have on our well-being and the well-being of others. Emotional Quotient (used interchangeably with Emotional Intelligence), became a buzz word in the 1990s. The terminology came into prominence when Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and science reporter at the New York Times, wrote the book Emotional Intelligence , in which he explained how EQ can matter more and be more impactful in one’s life than IQ.

Recent scientific research has confirmed what believers have known throughout the ages. It is a truth found in Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (NIV). We can change our way of thinking and, in essence, change our lives! This God-given possibility is encapsulated in new terminology: “neuroplasticity.”

Our IQ (our capacity to learn and retrieve information) is pretty much set at birth; however, we can grow in our EQ until the day we die. EQ is our capacity for selfawareness, self-control, empathy, and our ability to deal sensitively and caringly with other people.

Neuroplasticity describes the pliability and changeability of our brains. Our “gray matter” is not as hard wired as scientist once believed.

Amy Simpson, who writes for In Touch Ministries, wrote

How well we navigate through life is most certainly determined by both IQ and EQ; however, psychologists across the board note that IQ accounts for only 10% –25% of one’s success. Our EQ (or emotional maturity) has a far greater and more direct impact on how well we thrive as individuals. God wired us to live with a sound mind and sound emotions and He wired us for love. True joy, peace and hope come from within, we can’t acquire these emotional qualities from things. When we live our lives based on receiving God’s love, returning His love, and being a channel of His love to others, success follows.

through Jeremiah about a new day and a new kingdom: “Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding: (Jeremiah 3:15; NIV). The Lord promises to provide teachers and pastors with both knowledge and understanding (both IQ and EQ) to lead His people. We grow in wisdom when we grow emotionally because we engage our willingness to learn God’s ways; this insight becomes the filter through which we make our judgment calls and life decisions. Our depth of EQ determines how well we understand and interact with ourselves, God, and others.

Amy Simpson’s story is a powerful one. She survived a difficult childhood, and she understood she had to make the choice to take control of her thinking, her emotions, and her reactions to life. This one decisive move changed everything for her and she moved from surviving to thriving.

Growing our emotional capacity (or quotient) benefits us with better health, happiness, and over all well-being in the work place, in our homes, in our neighborhoods, and in our church communities. Obviously, we can’t get away from ourselves and avoiding others at all times is impossible. Growing in our emotional maturity equips us with rewarding interpersonal skills that result in a more stable, peaceful, productive, purposeful, and joyful life.

What is one area of life where you are thriving? What are one or two factors or influences that enable you to thrive?

Read Proverbs 9: 6, 11-12. What does this passage say to you about the importance of growing in wisdom or emotional maturity?

EQ deals with how we process the information we take in; it determines whether we are living wisely or foolishly.

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The accepted definition of “wisdom” is the capacity to correctly discern truth. However, a person can have a brain full of knowledge and not be wise; just as a person can have a very high IQ and live as a fool. A wise person, on the other hand, gathers knowledge and chooses to apply what she has learned in her relationships and circumstances. EQ and wisdom are directly linked because they both promote the application of knowledge to guide one’s choices in a healthy and discriminating fashion.

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Jesus often confronted the Pharisees for their lack of EQ, even if he didn’t label it as such. He often simply called it “foolishness” or even hypocrisy.

At this point, how do you define EQ? What is one specific way growing in this area might change your closest relationships?

They had an abundance of knowledge about the Bible, but they did not live as wise followers of God. The knowledge they had gained served to puff them up with pride; Jesus’ desire is for us to build our lives up with love. We can only fulfill the greatest commandment (see Luke 10:27) with both knowledge and wisdom. We can’t love God and others as we should unless we mature emotionally. Until we allow the Lord to renew our minds and raise our EQ, we will suffer and those in our lives will suffer from our emotional immaturity.

The Bible has a lot to say about growing our EQ and living wisely. One example is when the Lord spoke

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Growing in emotional maturity also means learning how to best communicate our feelings and thoughts and really listening to what others are telling us; it means showing empathy and reaching out to help with reasonable or no expectations. God tells us, “Let love be your highest goal!” (1 Corinthians 14:1a; NLT). Emotional maturity enables us to reach this goal.

od made us to thrive and live a life of abundance. What does a thriving life look like? It is one with deep, healthy relationships, both with God and others. It is also a life that has meaning and purpose; it is productive because it abides in Christ. Abba Father desires for us every good thing from above. What does that mean? It means He desires for us to thrive with love, kindness, peace, joy, and hope during the good times and bad times. He promises we will, if we slip our hand into His, know Him, obey Him and trust Him. This sounds simple enough, but it is the most challenging thing we will do as followers of Christ.

Above all, emotional maturity means learning to listen to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. He will tell us when it is time to walk away from unhealthy relationships; He will also guide us when it is time to invest more in other relationships.

Growing in emotional maturity and wisdom means being willing to risk rejection from others because your life is built on the solid foundation of the Rock.

According to interviews discussed in The Mental Health Continuum: From Languishing to Flourishing in Life by Corey L. M. Keyes, only 17 percent of adult Americans fall into the “flourishing” category. We live in an era of epidemic stress, depression, and hopelessness; this explains why so few of those interviewed are thriving. How do we navigate through the choppy waters of the uncertainty of this world? You and I were called for such a time as this and our Designer gave us the plan to follow for success. Before we can follow God’s plan for success, we must first re-define the world’s definition of what it means to succeed.

Please read Psalm 18:2. Who or what is your place of safety and refuge? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Mother Teresa, in her incomparable wisdom, said this about success, “God does not require that we be successful, only that we be faithful.”

our temperaments. Our life circumstances, choices, and the people we’ve encountered have all influenced our emotional maturity. Some of us are naturally calm, optimistic, joyful, and sensitive to others. Others of us have a tendency to experience anxiety, sadness, selfcondemnation, and insecurities. The good news is (and this is really good news) we can all grow our EQ! This is clearly the will of God for His children. Will it be easy? Is anything worth having in this life easy?

I love how Rick Warren explains success. He says, “We need a new definition of success. Real, meaningful success isn’t based on what we have, our appearance, or in “feeling good.” Real success comes from living our lives by God’s values — and the ultimate reward of enjoying eternity in Heaven.” ______________________________________________ What do you think “living our lives by God’s values” mean? What are God’s values? ______________________________________________

Name something you worked hard for because you ______________________________________________ thought it was worth your efforts? What were the results? ______________________________________________

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God values relationships; He values our relationship with Him. He makes us a priority. Is He our priority? Real emotional maturity will begin to take place when God takes first place in our lives.

A good place to start growing our EQ is with the Greatest Commandment. We can read about it in Luke 10:25–28. On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

We will find emotional maturity when we surrender to the cross and totally accept Jesus’ salvation in all areas of our lives. Salvation is a process—“from glory to glory” we are being changed (see 2 Corinthians 3:18). We cannot withhold portions of our lives and expect success or maturity to be the result.

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Success follows when we choose to say, “No matter what, I trust You, Jesus.” We must choose to believe that God is good even when our circumstances are far from good. Our emotional maturity and successful walk of faith grows when we can trust Abba Father with every fiber of our beings and say along with Job, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” (Job 13:15a; NKJV).

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live” (NIV). It is important to note that we are complex beings knit together with a soul, mind, heart, body, and spirit—all are deeply integrated and entwined. If we are going to thrive, we have to address each aspect of our beings. I think the Lord chose to point out different areas of our being in His greatest commandment because we must take care to grow and be healthy in all areas. One area affects all areas. If I choose to take care of my body by getting enough rest, eating healthy, and exercising it affects my thinking, my spirit, and my emotions, and each of these, in turn, affect how I feel about God and others. It is impossible to grow spiritually if we don’t grow emotionally. We can’t be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

Growing in our emotional maturity requires intentionality and determination. As followers of Christ, we have the power within us to change! No one determines how we react to life; each of us is responsible and accountable for our own choices. Our focused choices, with the invited help of the Holy Spirit, make us feel good about ourselves because this is how God designed us to live. It is important to recognize that each of us has different emotional capacities, stemming from several different factors. Our family of origin and childhood experiences influence our emotional maturity. Our DNA also affects

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have such a trusting, deep relationship with God?

There are only two things that exist on this earth that are eternal: The Word of God (Mark 13:31) and our souls. In his book, The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis made this astounding statement: “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.” The soul of man is eternal; the body of man is mortal, but the soul of man is immortal—it will continue forever.

God’s Word says He does not have favorites, but He does seem to reveal Himself more to some. Why is this? I think it is because it is impossible for Him to show Himself to someone whose mind, body, heart, or spirit are in the wrong condition. C.S. Lewis said in his book Mere Christianity: “Just as sunlight, though it has no favorites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as in a clean one.”

What do you think Lewis meant by saying that there are no ordinary people? What was he trying to communicate about our value? ______________________________________________

We see God and others through every aspect of ourselves, not just through our spirits. If we wish to see the moon through a telescope, we must have a clean telescope lens. In the same way, if we want to have a right perspective of life, we must keep our entire selves clear and clean. The exciting news is that little tweaks in one area of our beings can make an enormous positive impact on every part of our beings.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Every soul any of us has ever met and every soul who has ever lived is still in existence somewhere. Where are they? The Bible tells us they are one of two places; heaven or hell. The choice is up to each soul. If we choose to reject God’s free gift of salvation found in Jesus Christ, we are separated from God both now and forever; this is hell.

Let’s do a breakdown of what makes up our beings. We’ll start with our eternal soul. The Soul If my soul has not accepted Jesus, I can never see God clearly. This will affect all my relationships, including my own internal relationship with me—my emotional state of being.

Read Revelation 20:14, 15. According to this passage, how does one end up in the lake of eternal fire? ______________________________________________

The human soul is the part of a person that is not physical, it is not an organ or mass of tissue that can be dissected and studied. Within every single human being is a soul; it is the part of that human that is eternal.

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Jacob’s wife Rachel was dying in child birth and Genesis 35:17, 18 tells us this about her soul: “Now it came to pass, when she was in hard labor, that the midwife said to her, ‘Do not fear; you will have this son also.’ And so it was, as her soul was departing (for she died), that she called his name Ben-Oni; but his father called him Benjamin” (NIV). Note that her soul did not die, her soul departed; it was her body that died. God tells us we were formed from dust and to dust we shall return; this refers to our physical bodies.

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Scottish pastor and author George MacDonald is widely quoted as saying, “You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” In other words, our intrinsic value is found in our soul, not our bodies or how productive our bodies are on earth. We have incredible value simply because we are made in God’s image and the real us— our souls—live forever. Understanding we are each made by the hand of God is the first step toward growing and thriving. This understanding will give us assurance that God has a purpose for each of us, He will always have our backs on earth, and Jesus has gone ahead of us to prepare an eternal place for us with Him.

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What do you think it means to “be a Soul” rather than just having a soul? ______________________________________________

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If we do accept God’s gift extended to everyone, we will never be alone again and we are promised eternal life (not death) with Jesus in heaven. John 3:16 is a great reminder of this truth. Write it out here and make note of your reactions to this verse at this point in our journey together. ______________________________________________

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ God says we are to love Him and others with our whole souls. In other words, we are to love with our entire beings; when we love with our whole souls we will be blessed for all of eternity. How do you describe your soul?

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three The Spirit

We have discussed how we each have a soul— the eternal part of each of us.

Read Numbers 14:23, 24. What blessing did Caleb receive from following the Spirit of God? ______________________________________________

e each also have a spirit within us. The Spirit is the force within us that moves us in a certain direction. God tells us in Ephesians 1:13b: “When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit” (NIV). Once we become believers, the Bible says our souls are born again and Abba Father places something new inside us, something we didn’t have before believing: His Holy Spirit.

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Even though we Christians have a new Spirit within us, God gives us the free will to choose to be under His Spirit’s direction, or be led in a different direction by the spirit of the world, the enemy, or our own desires. Our emotional and spiritual growth is directly linked to our daily choice of allowing His Holy Spirit to guide our decisions.

What spirit are you following? How do you know? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

We can have a born again soul and either ignore or disengage with the Holy Spirit within us; this keeps us stuck in immaturity. This is why I believe we see so many Christians behaving like unbelievers and never thriving or living the abundant life Jesus offers us. They are not living in the “promised land”—the land of abundance promised to those who love and serve God.

Are you living in the Promised Land? How do you know? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Have you ever heard someone claim to be “spiritual” when they do not follow God’s Word? What spirit are they following?

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The Body We rarely hear the importance of taking care of our bodies spoken of in our churches, but we are made up of body, soul, spirit, heart, and mind. God knit our physical beings together—this aspect of humans is an integral part of who and what we are. When we push our bodies beyond their intended capabilities or when we don’t properly nourish ourselves, get enough rest and exercise, we pay the consequences in all areas including our emotions! If we don’t take good care with one area it will affect the other areas of our being; of course, this affects all of our relationships.

hurt my back and the pain was so exhausting I chose not to respond immediately to a highly sensitive situation with a loved one because I knew my perspective was clouded from my physical pain. My emotions were raw. I waited until I felt better because I didn’t want to say something I would regret when my perspective wasn’t as clear. When we are tired, sick or have a lot on our plates, it is important to be aware of our emotions. They will be strained. When we feel as though we are going to snap, we need to pay attention: it is God’s built-in alarm system warning us to be still and be with Him. We don’t have to run away to a beautiful monastery on a hillside (although that does sound incredibly wonderful). We can take a minute in the middle of whatever we are doing and ask Jesus to help us, encourage us, and calm us.

Read 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20. What does this verse tell us about our bodies? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

It is impossible to love the way God intended when we are stretched so thin we are ready to fall apart when the least little thing goes wrong. Jesus worked hard while on earth and when His body had enough, He listened to His emotions and sought solitude and rested.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ God only gives us one body; there are no trade-ins or do-overs. If He said our bodies are the temple of His Holy Spirit, we must take care of them. We desecrate God’s temple when we neglect the well-being of our bodies. God’s Word contains many directives regarding the care of our bodies; as Psalm 119:73 says: “You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands” (NLT).

Read Luke 5: 16. Why did the Son of God often seek solitude to pray? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

It is important to note, Christians who follow God’s commands and take great care with their bodies do sometimes suffer physical ailments. We do the best we can, but disease is a result of Adam’s sin. Just as Job, a most righteous man who suffered greatly, we may suffer as well.

______________________________________________ What gets in the way of taking time for solitude and prayer? ______________________________________________

If we are suffering from a physical “thorn in the flesh,” as Paul suffered, it is important to recognize the effect such suffering can have on our emotions. It’s not a sin to be discouraged or even depressed when our bodies are not well, but we can sin by staying stuck in discouragement rather than claiming the promises of Abba Father. The important thing to remember is we have a Savior who stands by, ready to help. As with Paul, God may not choose to heal us, but He will never leave us nor forsake us; He promises to care for us as our Good Shepherd. There are over 7000 promises in God’s Word that act as a soothing balm to our troubled emotions during times of pain.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Protect your heart from negative emotions when you are not feeling well by listening to beautiful praise songs, carry God’s promises on index cards with you and read them, seek Christian friends who build you up and encourage you, and talk to the Lord throughout your day. Do your best to be as healthy as possible and trust Jesus with the rest. Remember what Paul said: “Glorify God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:20)

When I am overly tired or hungry, I don’t trust my emotions because they are highly sensitive. I recently

Read 2 Timothy 1:7. What characteristics has God given to us through his spirit? Which of these do you need to focus on in this season of your life? ______________________________________________

Protect your heart from negative emotions when you are not feeling well by listening to beautiful praise songs, carry God’s promises on index cards with you and read them, seek Christian friends who build you up and encourage you, and talk to the Lord throughout your day. Do your best to be as healthy as possible and trust Jesus with the rest. Remember what Paul said: “Glorify God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:20)

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The Mind It is interesting to note that Paul opens Romans 12 by speaking of the body, he then moves directly to speaking about the mind.

What we allow into our minds determines the trajectory of our lives because our thoughts trigger our emotions, choices, and even the words we use. Our brains are like warehouses with layers and layers of shelves; the thoughts we allow into our minds are stored within those layers of shelving. The contents of our shelves determine our beliefs and whether we build our lives on truth or lies.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1, 2; NIV).

Jesus told us He is the Truth and proclaimed He is the Way to live.

What do you think Paul means by “renewing of your mind”?

You and I can choose the things about which we think. Perhaps we need to clean out some shelves in our warehouse. The important thing to remember is our shelves are never empty. We are always thinking something; our minds are never empty. When we are determined to transform into a person of grace, mercy, truth, compassion, joy, and self-control, we have to clean off the shelves filled with lies, self-condemnation, and negative and destructive self-talk and replace those shelves with the truth of God’s Word.

In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul gives us a good place to start transforming our thought life. What are some practical steps you can take to “take every thought captive”?

Don’t you find it incredible that we can change our lives if we change what we think about and how we think about it? God says He has given us everything we need to experience this change.

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Read 1 Corinthians 2:16. What do you think it means to “have the mind of Christ”?

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Romans 8:6 says, “The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace” (NIV). If we process our thoughts through the grid of Scripture, we are promised life and peace! Hmmm . . . it seems like a no brainer (no pun intended) to choose life over death and peace rather than turmoil; so why do so many of us struggle to think constructive thoughts?

The more you allow your mind to dwell on certain thoughts, the stronger those thoughts become; they will grab hold of you and not let go. This is why the Bible teaches that we should “run from anything that gives you the evil thoughts . . . but stay close to anything that makes you want to do right” (2 Timothy 2:22a; TLB). Each of us is solely responsible for the thoughts we entertain. No one else determines the thoughts and beliefs that line the shelves of our minds. You and I choose which thoughts gain our attention; we choose what we allow into our minds.

We are barraged with a constant stream of destructive and dysfunctional thoughts from our own sinful nature, from the world around us, and from our enemy, Satan. Remember, He is the father of lies and there is no truth found in him. What is one step you could take to focus your mind on truth, mercy, and grace?

What practical steps can you take to clean out the destructive lies that are stored on your mental “shelves”?

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______________________________________________ How might you replace these lies with truth?

This side of Glory, we live in a war zone and the battle is being fought in our minds. God tells us to come to Him with a heart that understands that our minds need changed; they need to be transformed. It is part of a lifelong process called sanctification. The wonderful news is the more intentional we are about replacing destructive thoughts with healthy, constructive thoughts, the greater our desire for Truth and the more sensitive our spirit becomes to destructive lies.

One of the transformative principles found in God’s Word is to not put ourselves in temptation’s way. The Spirit is strong but the flesh is weak and we have to take steps to protect ourselves.

In what ways do the thoughts you allow yourself to dwell upon affect your spiritual and emotional health and growth? (In Chapter 3, we will further unpack our powerful ability to transform our minds.)

If we are watching a movie with immoral words and acts, we should turn it off, walk away, or change the channel. If we have friends who gossip, we should change offending conversations, call out the offending conversations as gossip, or change friends.

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Read Philippians 4:8. What are some practical steps we can take to train ourselves to “think on” correct and godly things?

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y da four The Heart T

God tells us we will be blessed when we follow in His emotional footsteps. He told Eli,

he word “heart” in Mathew 22:37–39 (the greatest commandment) is the place within us that contains our emotions. This is why we say things like “you broke my heart” or “my heart beats for you.” We may also claim, “I just don’t have a heart for it anymore”, which means emotional interest or passion has ended.

“I will raise up for myself a faithful priest, who will do according to what is in my heart and mind. I will firmly establish his priestly house, and they will minister before my anointed one always” (1 Samuel 2:35; NIV).

In making these claims, we do not refer to an organ that pumps blood through our bodies; rather, we refer to our emotional reactions.

When the Lord said He would” raise up” a priest who would “do according to what is in my heart,” God was referring to a person who would share the same emotions. What emotions does God desire for us? He unpacks His desire for our emotional well-being in Galatians 5:13–23:

We were created with a wide range of emotions. We have emotions because God has emotions; if we deal with emotions God’s way, they are a beautiful gift. Our emotional maturity depends on how well we recognize and deal with our emotions.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

God gave us emotions because we are made in His image; however, God is immutable, which means He does not change His mind nor does He experience emotional mood swings. As Malachi 3:6 says, “I the LORD do not change” (NIV).

“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

God has no sin in Him; His love for us, His judgments, His mercy, and His forgiveness are always consistent with who He is. What does James 1:17 say about God’s consistency and immutability?

“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (NIV).

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The fruit of living in harmony with God’s Spirit is emotional health; this is demonstrated by a heart of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When we experience emotions contrary to the fruit of God’s Spirit, it is Abba’s

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way of getting our attention, telling us that something isn’t right with our hearts. It is His alarm bell alerting us to pause and address the trouble.

trusted. Our emotions, on the other hand, cannot always be trusted. This is why we must strain them through the grid of Scripture. We must learn to guard them with truth and root out the emotional lies we have allowed into our hearts.

The root of the word “emotion” is from the Latin verb meaning “to move,” This suggests that a tendency to act is implicit in every emotion. Our emotions place a desire in us to react or respond to others and/or our circumstances.

Our emotions provide a window into our souls. They are our thermometers that show us the temperatures between our inner beings and the world around us. They expose what we really think about God, ourselves, and others.

God designed us with emotions to get us moving. How we move is critical to our emotional maturity and spiritual growth. Will we choose to move or respond in a God-honoring way or react by following our own inclinations?

When my thermometer is running too hot or too cold, it is God’s way of getting my attention to get me moving toward a healthier heart temperature. If I am burning up or if I am ice cold, I am not well and I need to spend time with and seek healing from the Great Physician.

Paul proclaimed to the people of Athens: “in Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28a; NIV).

What is one benefit that comes from understanding our emotions?

Our spiritual journey with the Lord encompasses a process of allowing the Lord to open the eyes of our hearts to our many emotions, asking for His healing and help, and determining to trust Him with everything in our hearts.

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Jeremiah tells us we can’t trust our hearts without the influence of the Holy Spirit because we have unhealthy, deceitful hearts; however, Ezekiel assures believers that the Lord gives us new hearts and He will put a new spirit in each of us: “He will take out our stony, stubborn heart and give us a tender, responsive heart” (Ezekiel 36:26; NLT).

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The condition of our hearts or our emotions causes life or death to spring forth from us. It is absolutely critical we take great care with our emotions. As God said in Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (NIV).

______________________________________________ What messages about emotions did you receive as you were growing up? What is your response to the idea that God has emotions?

What does “everything you do flows from it” mean to you? How have you seen this play out in your own life? ______________________________________________

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The wonderful thing about our emotions is that they are a gift from God! He did not create us as robots, after all. Emotions make us interesting, fun, empathetic, loving, caring, merciful, connective, and engaging . . . or they can make us quite the opposite. However, we have to learn how to deal with them under the Holy Spirit’s influence in order to thrive personally, and in our relationship with God and others. Give your heart to Jesus and then pray as David prayed: “Create in me a clean heart, O God” (Psalm 51:10; NLT).

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Abba Father helps us to feel His emotions toward Him, ourselves, and others. Isn’t that incredible? His emotions are rooted in His goodness and love and can totally be

What’s Your EQ?

Evaluate yourself using a scale of 1–5, 5 being “Very Emotionally Mature” and 1 being “Very Emotionally Immature.” Remember this is a tool for growth; be honest. 1 = Very Emotionally Immature 2 = Somewhat Emotionally Immature 3 = Neutral

4 = Somewhat Emotionally Mature 5 = Very Emotionally Mature

Score I allow myself to feel my emotions rather than denying them. I am aware of my emotions and can name them. I can identify the cause of a given emotion. I am aware of how my thoughts impact my emotions. I can stop destructive thoughts as they are occurring. I recognize dysfunctional thoughts and replace them with healthy thoughts of Truth. I am familiar with many promises found in God’s Word and play those in my mind when I am troubled. I guard what I allow in my mind throughout the day. I talk to God often about how I am feeling. I often ask Jesus to help me and heal me. I have a running dialogue in my mind telling Jesus I trust Him and am seeking His guidance. I can delay the fleshy gratification of emotionally spilling my every thought. I practice self-control by pausing and choosing my words wisely when things get heated. I take my thoughts captive through the grid of Scriptures. I see unanswered prayer as the need to wait on God’s perfect timing. I persevere even when I am weary. I am a hopeful person. I know in my heart everything is going to be ok when I invite Jesus into the circumstance. I am emphatic to others. I am a good listener. I am ok not always getting my way. I don’t always have to prove I am right. Others would say I am team player. I am learning to have a peace that surpasses all understanding regardless of my circumstances. I believe that everything that comes to me can be worked out for good with God’s help. I am growing in my awareness to read other’s emotions. I am a forgiver. I extend mercy and grace often. I chose friends who sharpen me and encourage me. I build others up in Christ. I show others I care by staying in touch and helping them when I can.

Score I can identify my strengths and weaknesses. I am intentional about growing in the area of self-control. I spend regular quiet time talking to God and getting to know Him better. I can accept that I am not perfect and have short comings. I can accept delays. I can stay calm under stressful situations. Others would say I am approachable and merciful rather than critical and judgmental. I see the beauty in little things. I have a running dialogue of gratefulness. I practice good manners. I can ask for forgiveness when I hurt someone. I am aware of how my words and actions impact others. I am learning to value others more. I am open to exploring areas where I need to grow. I am honest with myself. I can share freely about areas of joy and pain. I am learning how to confront difficult issues and people with honesty and mercy. I don’t avoid hard issues. I don’t escalate difficulties with hurtful words. I am intentional about working through the emotional tsunamis that have affected my life. I can thank God for hardships from my past and see how they grew me as a person. I recognize my family strongholds and am intentional about breaking and stopping them from being passed on to my children and grandchildren. I seek the approval of Abba Father above the approval of others. I take responsibility for my emotional happiness and health rather than blaming others. Others would say my priorities in life are God, family, and others in that order.

Total

Divide your total by 56 and write that here:__________

How emotionally mature are you? If you got a lot of low numbers, don’t fret. God brought us together to grow in this most-needed area. We should be excited that He tells us how.

Without the Holy Spirit’s control, we are vulnerable to our emotions controlling us. Romans 6 is a beautiful, encouraging chapter about living under God’s teaching of truth that brings a new, wonderful life.

In the next five sessions we will unpack how blessed we are to have emotions, how to become more emotionally mature by being more aware of our emotions, how to identify how we are feeling, how to practically take control of our emotions so they don’t control us, and how to truly love God and others.

Are you ready to cross the line and ask Abba Father to control you with the Holy Spirit of truth and grace He placed in your heart? Are you ready for Him to ignite change and growth in all areas of your being? It is the biggest step you will ever take after accepting Jesus as your Savior and it will change everything forever.

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I am living under the control of the ____________________ ___________________ rather than the control of the ____________________________. So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. (Galatians 5:16-17a NLT)

2. My identity is not found in ____________________________ . 3. I am always ____________________________ myself to others which leads to insecurity. Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. (Galatians 6:4 NLT) 4. Stinkin’ ____________________________. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2 NLT)

5. My focus is on ____________________________ instead of on __`__________________________. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. (Hebrews 12:1-2a NLT)

video TEACHING WEEK 1

6. I am more critical when I don’t see God’s ____________________________ in my own life. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and sincere grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Then when you realize your worthlessness before the Lord, he will lift you up, encourage and help you. (James 4:9-10 The Living Bible) 7. ____________________________Company. Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33 NLT) 8. The ____________________________. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth—the one who accuses them before our God day and night. (Revelation 12:10b NLT) 9. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. (James 4:7-8a NIV) Four ways to deal with conflict without having a critical spirit: • Don’t use words like “you always” or “you never.” • Love protects, am I confronting with a motive to protect this person? • Have I grieved for the person I am confronting, do I have a heart of mercy toward them? • Am I willing to invest my Time in this person in order for them to be restored? Remember, mercy is NOT giving them what they deserve.

WEEK 2 - WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS?

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elf-awareness is the first step in growing our emotional capacity. Our emotions determine how we react to life; self-awareness allows us to see down the paths where those emotions will take us. When we become more self-aware, change becomes possible, as the eyes of our hearts are open to areas of behavior that need transformation, and we see things about ourselves about which we were oblivious before. As we discussed in week one, an improvement in one area of our beings creates a domino effect that will impact all other areas of our beings. If we are more emotionally in tune, we will also be more in tune spiritually, mentally, and physically.

Continually ignoring our emotions keeps us from an honest and growing relationship with God and others. If we can’t be honest with ourselves about how we feel, we won’t be truthful with God and others. As a result, we stay stuck in shallow, surface relationships that leave us feeling empty and purposeless. If we avoid addressing our emotions, we tend to detach and avoid honest conversation and vulnerability with one another, even with God. We will run from problems and conflict, which leaves layers of unresolved issues piling up in our souls. On the other hand, if we are over-reactive to emotional stimuli, we will find ourselves alienating others and failing to walk in the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22, 23; NLT). Our relationships with others will suffer and our relationship with Abba will stagnate.

Being self-aware requires that we admit our areas of brokenness. We all need emotional healing and growth. “No man is an island” and all of us have been wounded. All of us fight some type of emotional brokenness. We all, at some point, feel the results of emotional pain; this pain may generate sleepless nights, rage, bitterness, anxiety attacks, fears, feelings of detachment, or any of a nearly unlimited number of pain-generated dysfunctional responses.

Remember, God made us to receive His love, to love Him, and to be in loving relationships with others. Relationships that are life-giving require honesty and transparency. We all need love and we all want meaningful relationships. Satan certainly does not want us to grow and will do anything to keep us from being honest with ourselves, God, and others.

Some of us feel intense emotions and some of us have a hard time feeling anything at all. Do you react in emotional extremes—attacking or retreating? Are you prone to losing your temper and saying things you later regret? Or do you instead detach from people and situations because you’re uncomfortable with conflict, emotions, or being vulnerable? People with high emotional maturity understand their feelings and have learned to control their responses rather than reacting instinctively. These people are willing to take an honest look at themselves and identify their strengths and weaknesses. Facing the truth about ourselves sets us free to thrive! Self-awareness begins by realizing your own emotional tendencies. Do you tend to be more reactive or do you avoid and attempt to disregard or negate your emotions? We all do both at times, but we must guard against dwelling on either extreme end of this spectrum.

I have a dear friend whom I truly love. However, we could be so much closer if she would be more open and transparent. She seems to believe it is somehow a sign of weakness to share any areas of struggle. She recently had a cancer scare and I so wanted to help her. Sadly, she put up walls that prevented us from connecting. She refused to even discuss the cancer and the understandable fears she was experiencing. As believers, we are called to support, encourage and pray for one another, but we have to be willing to open the door of our hearts and lives to others. We need each other. When we stuff our emotions and isolate, we prevent growth and sharpening. Yes, emotions can be powerful and scary, but God gave them to us with the intent to bless us and grow us.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17; NIV).

set free to live a thriving life; however, we will need to follow God through some rocky terrain to rest in the green, lush pastures He has for us. Growth is always hard, isn’t it? However, I’m sure you’ve found, as I have, that the resulting transformation is worth the painful effort.

What do you think causes us to avoid, deny, or stuff our emotions, at times? ______________________________________________

Read Proverbs 4:5-6. What benefits does “getting wisdom” provide? How have you seen this in your own life?

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______________________________________________ Avoiding our emotions is a sign of self-sufficiency and desire for control. Rather than admitting to God we need His help and admitting to safe people we need their help, we pridefully refuse any to admit our weakness.

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We have the power of the Lord Himself inside to help us. Slipping our hand into His and asking for His strength and power leads us to a rich, joyful, and purposeful life!

In John 6:63, Jesus tells us this about His words: “The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life” (NIV). God’s promises are not just words written from man’s perspective. They are alive and powerful and can change everything for you. God’s words can change you, your family, your community and even a country!

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Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-10. Which words in this verse resonate with your current situation? What promises does God give in this verse?

D.L. Moody, a famous nineteenth-century pastor and evangelist, is reported to have said, “The Bible was not given to increase our knowledge; the Bible was given to change our lives.”

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ It takes time to work through pain and to heal emotionally. Even for us believers in Jesus Christ, there is no easy path to healing. As children of God, we can move forward with confidence believing His promises that we are a new creation in Christ and we have been

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o you remember the term “neuroplasticity,” introduced in week one? Neuroplasticity simply means the ability to change what is shelved in our brains by changing our thoughts; this, in turn, transforms our lives. Psychologists recognize the thoughts we choose to focus upon are constantly changing our brain’s physical structure. When we dwell upon new thoughts, new neuron networks develop; when we stop focusing on certain thoughts, unused neuron networks disappear. (Wow, read that sentence again!) Psychologists call this process “experience-dependent neuroplasticity.” Very simply, this process refers to the reality that, when we have a thought or feel an emotion, millions of neurons are triggered to form a network. Our brains’ structures are determined by the retained messages of the interconnected neurons. We have millions of neurons in our brains that are constantly transmitting information to our hearts. The networks that form in our brains grow stronger as thoughts and emotions are repeated. We all have negative “old networks” that have been forming within our brains for years, maybe decades. Before those can be replaced by new, life-affirming networks, we must acknowledge that we want to grow and change. This starts by becoming more aware of our emotions and our reactions/responses to them. Before we can truly enter in to the process of forming new networks and finding emotional healing and health, we must recognize and name our emotional responses. We must be brave enough to engage in confession and repentance. And finally, we must and recognize that our emotions do not define us. Over the next few days, we will take a deeper look at these three realizations and their impact on our lives.

Naming our emotions deepens our relationships with God by promoting internal, personal honesty and openness with God. The spiritual practice of selfexamination leads to intimacy. Some days, I wake up saying, “This is the day the Lord has made!” Others days, I wake up saying, “Really Lord? This is the day You have made?” Some days, I am overwhelmed by my emotions and can feel them coursing through my veins, exhausting every fiber of my being. Other days, my emotions feel elusive and too difficult to even name; I want to pretend they don’t exist. Can you relate? Emotions are necessary data, providing feedback that drives behavior. If I am not aware of the emotions I am experiencing, I won’t take the necessary steps to change. I believe half the battle toward our well-being is won just by recognizing and naming a destructive emotion. Often, I can deal with it immediately and not allow it to stay in my thoughts and strengthen neurons that cause a pattern of continued destructive thinking. Emotional growth does not begin by acting on our emotions; rather, it starts by being able to name them. Simply acknowledging our emotions will activate growth because we will enable ourselves time to recognize and rein in out-of-control emotions; this will encourage us to acknowledge, rather than ignore, deep, difficult emotions. You may have heard the saying, “We have to feel it to heal it.” So often we just keep moving through the day when our emotions are knocking hard on the door of our hearts, trying to tell us something. If we refuse to open the door, we will never gain the ability to deal with the emotion. However, if we recognize and identify the emotion, we can then take steps to deal with it effectively. Once we acknowledge the emotion that has us off balance, we can take it to the Lord to gain His wisdom. We won’t seek the Lord’s help if we don’t admit we need help.

Please refer to the supplement at the end of this chapter called; “Naming Our Emotions,” in order to help you identify what emotion you may be experiencing.

Remember, you are always safe when you share your emotions openly and honestly with the Lord. He already knows how you are feeling, but desires open communication with you. I think this is one reason the good Lord was intentional about instructing Paul to write in Romans 8:1; there is no condemnation toward those who are in Christ. He fully accepts you, all of you, difficult emotions and all.

inmost being. He trusted in the Lord’s loving kindness toward him. “Examine me, O LORD, and try me; Test my heart and my mind. For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes, and I have walked [faithfully] in Your truth. I do not sit with deceitful or unethical or worthless men, nor seek companionship with pretenders (self-righteous hypocrites)” (Psalm 26:2–4; AMP).

There is another critical reason to recognize our emotions: if we ignore them, we can get stuck in unhealthy, life-draining relationships, unfulfilling careers, and never realize our God-given potential or purpose. If we aren’t emotionally aware, we are not spiritually aware and will miss many opportunities as believers to love and be loved.

The ability to name an emotion brewing inside is essential to our EQ. If we can name our emotions, we can learn to control and manage them. Our emotions give us important data as to how we are dealing with life. If you find yourself unable to name what is bothering you, ask someone close to you to help you. Those closest to us usually have incredible insight regarding our emotions.

Furthermore, naming our emotions is the first step in self-awareness because it ignites honesty in our hearts. How can we grow our EQ if we are not honest with ourselves and God? He desires to move us from a superficial, works-based relationship to a deep, open, and honest relationship. He wants us to know Him up close and personal, but that requires that we be open and honest with Him.

It is important to not place judgment on ourselves or our feelings. Our emotions exist because God gave them to us to help us, to get us moving. If we experience destructive emotions (such as unworthiness or resentment), God can and will use these as ways to tap us on our shoulders, reminding us to acknowledge, evaluate, and examine them through His truth.

We may find it uncomfortable to acknowledge negative, destructive, and sinful emotions, but once we recognize these difficult emotions, we can take them to the Lord and allow Him to work beauty out of ashes.

We can tell Him everything we are feeling and ask for His help and healing. David was in deep distress and told the Lord: “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long” (Psalm 32:3; NIV). Remember, your whole being is affected when one area is suffering. David was physically sick because he was emotionally sick.

For instance, The Book of Lamentations reveals that Jeremiah was very self-aware when everything in his world was going wrong. He told the Lord in Lamentations 3 that his soul was downcast. In other words, he was depressed! Our emotions are meant to be our God-given insights to how we are reacting to our world.

I have always told my kids they can respectfully tell me anything that is on their hearts and minds and we will deal with it together. I assure them that they are safe with me and I will help them work through their issues any way possible, even if I don’t like hearing what they share.

As believers, we are never alone. The Lord stands ready to heal us, calm and comfort us, and grow us more into His image. Jeremiah acknowledged his depressed state, but went on to say this in verses 21–23: “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning” (NLT). He was honest with the Lord and expected the Lord’s love and mercy in his life.

Our Lord is no different. He desires for us to run to Him and process with Him, rather than ruminate on the issue or call everyone else. Lamentations 2:19a says, “Get up, cry out in the night, even as the night begins. Pour out your heart like water in prayer to the Lord” (NCV). What gets in the way of pouring out your heart to God? ______________________________________________

How can you know if you are tuned into your emotions? What steps can you take to enlist the Lord’s aid in recognizing and dealing with emotions?

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What happens when you allow yourself to feel an emotion and name it?

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David was a man after God’s heart; he asked the Lord to examine his heart (his emotions) and test his thoughts. David didn’t want to pretend; he wanted truth in his

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f you feel stuck in your relationship with God perhaps a barrier of unconfessed sin is keeping you from Him. He stands ready to engage with us at every moment, but we break fellowship with Him when we choose to persist in sin. We all sin; but thankfully He forgives us and will remove our sins from us as far as the east is from the west when we repent and turn back to His ways. Naming our emotions can lead us to confession and repentance of sin.

heart? Try following these four simple steps: 1.

Take just a few minutes each day to write down your feelings. This will help you pull negative emotions out of deep places you can’t easily verbalize. This also prevents destructive emotions from having a chance to take root in your being.

2. Make a list of the emotions you have when controlled by the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, mercy, generosity, acceptance of others, hospitality and forgiveness. Ask Jesus to point out any feelings you are experiencing that are opposite of these emotions.

Psalm 32:3–5 says this about unconfessed sin: “Before I confessed my sins, my bones felt limp, and I groaned all day long. Night and day your hand weighed heavily on me, and my strength was gone as in the summer heat. So I confessed my sins and told them all to you. I said, ‘I’ll tell the Lord each one of my sins.’ Then you forgave me and took away my guilt” (CEV). In your flesh, you may experience destructive emotions such as worry, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, self-pity, rage; you may feel doubtful of God’s promises or critical of yourself or others. Have you ever felt as though you were walking around with weights on your shoulders and living in a state of emotional exhaustion? Perhaps the good Lord’s heavy hand is on you, inviting you to repent. The more we pursue healthy attitudes of forgiveness, love, and mercy, the easier it becomes to make lifeaffirming choices. When we invite the Holy Spirit to help us have thoughts in harmony with God’s character, we begin to develop a strong neuron network that promotes emotions of peace, joy, hope, love, and intimacy with God and others.

3. Ask Abba Father to bring to mind anything you need to confess to Him. Don’t try to rationalize or justify; just own up to your sinful reactions. Tell the Lord you are sorry and ask His help to turn away from sinful, destructive emotions. When you are struggling with a destructive emotion, write it down, read it, and then shred or burn the paper— symbolically ridding yourself of it by giving it over to Him. Visualize yourself placing the paper before the mighty throne of Abba Father with Jesus sitting at His right hand praying for you. 4. When the destructive emotion comes up again say, “Thank You Lord, I remember giving that to You. I don’t need to go over that again. Thank You for healing me and helping me move forward.”

Taking inventory of our hearts and recognizing our emotions is beneficial and critical to growing our EQ. We must be open and honest before the Lord and allow Him to search out our deepest emotions. Psalm 139:23 puts it this way: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts” (NLT). Will you do as David did and invite the Lord to search your

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“I was brought forth in [a state of] wickedness; In sin my mother conceived me [and from my beginning I, too, was sinful]. Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part [of my heart] You will make me know wisdom. Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow” (Psalm 51:5–7; AMP).

Read John 14:15–17 and Psalm 73:21-24? What do these verses tell us that the Spirit does for us?

make choices that do not reflect His image, we ignite emotional unrest—we are living a double-minded life. God desires for us to live in sync with Him. There can be no peace, hope, or joy if we don’t heed Paul’s warning to us from Romans 12:3: “Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us” (NLT).

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Introspection is about growth; we look inward to learn and to be healthy. Introspection seeks the Lord’s guidance; it results in a healthy course of action based on an appropriated promise from God.

What steps can you take to write the following promises from Scripture on the tablet of your heart? ______________________________________________

Introspection can take a wrong, harmful turn when we begin to ruminate (replay over and over, as a cow repeatedly chews its cud) on our failures. If we don’t invite the Lord to help us with a plan of action, we remain stuck on the problem instead of focusing on the promises of God. Rumination does not seek an answer; it continually brings up the offense. Rather, remedy the destructive emotional urge by asking yourself: Do I need to repent? Do I need to lovingly confront someone? Do I need to forgive and pray blessings, rather than curses, over someone? Do I need to call someone back?

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ “God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Psalm 147:3; NCV). “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light”( 1 Peter 2:9; NIV).

Rumination focuses on the problem; introspection identifies the problem, but focuses on the promises of God and looks forward to change.

Introspection is critical to growth. For those like me who tend to have a bit of an obsessive personality, it is critical to set good boundaries. Don’t over-think and analyze every little emotion you have. This life will often rub us the wrong way. Ask Jesus to help you simply let go of the little offenses life brings your way. Ask Him to give you the ability to let the small stuff roll off your back and not even enter your mind.

What feelings or failings are you most tempted to ruminate on? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Pastor Jonathan Threlfall, author of Six Truths for Introspective People, says: “The purpose of introspection should lead us to consider our relationship with God.”

______________________________________________ What steps can you take to stop focusing on the problem (rumination) and begin focusing more on the promises of God?

Our goal is to draw closer to the Lord and learn His ways. We are made in the image of God; when we

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Naming our emotions helps us realize emotional responses do not define us.

hether our emotional responses are fleeting or are feelings that have been deeply rooted since childhood, we are so much more than any given emotion. Our emotions do not define us. There is a big difference between “I am feeling this at this moment” and “I am this.”

For example, one morning I awoke at 6:30 a.m. feeling “off.” I was bugged. I asked the Lord to help me identify the cause of my awful feelings. Was I angry? Was I frustrated? What was going on inside me? As my morning progressed, the Lord reminded me of the agreement He and I had made regarding boundaries. I had violated that agreement the night before when I had dinner with a couple, even though I knew I was overextended and exhausted. This couple taxes my patience on a good day; I should have rescheduled. Their comments of the night before had agitated me; simply acknowledging this fact made me feel so much better! Replaying the offensive comments over and over in my mind would simply infect my day with negativity. Rooting them out of my being put them into perspective and allowed me to acknowledge the hurt, give it to the Lord, and move forward.

As followers of Christ, we are beloved, beautiful in His sight, and a true masterpiece made in His image; we have a glorious inheritance awaiting us. Read Psalm 139:1–14. What does this passage tell you about your identity? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

I also confessed to the Lord that I made the wrong choice and I should have listened to my weary body. I should have rescheduled. My emotions calmed down and I was at peace again!

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Once I have accepted the truths of Psalm 139:1–14 into my mind, I have begun developing a strong network of neurons rooted in these truths. Then, when I acknowledge feeling unvalued or unloved as a result of someone’s actions or words, my sadness can turn to peace, knowing I am truly loved by the One Who matters most. Simply naming our emotions helps us keep a more joyful, peaceful, and hopeful perspective. The very act of naming them brings them into perspective and makes them seem less threatening and more manageable. I had always thought that acknowledging my negative or destructive emotions would just make me feel worse. While researching the positive impact of naming our emotions, I discovered the opposite happens!

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I love how King David was able to acknowledge his emotions. Check out what he said to the Lord: “I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life’s dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation” (Psalm 119:25–28; (THE MESSAGE). Don’t you love how transparent David was before the Lord?

What steps can you take to be more diligent in sharing your troubled emotions with the Lord?

Once we know and believe who God says we are, we can confidently face any emotions we are experiencing.

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I love Paul’s words in Philippians 13:12–14: “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us” (NLT).

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ David was honest, even reminding God of his promises. What surprises you about David’s words? What gets in the way of being this honest with the Lord?

We press on with the goal of growing closer to Jesus and becoming more like Him every day. However, this side of heaven, we will never fully understand why we experience some of the negative emotions we feel. At times, they seem to hit us from nowhere; other times, emotions we thought were behind us pop up before our eyes. Someday, everything will be as it should be within us. We know our current troubles are temporary and our sweet Jesus is preparing a glorious forever home for us with no more tears or heartaches. Amen?!!

“For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God]” (1 Corinthians 13:12; AMP).

How does Word of God build us up? How have you experienced this in your life? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Don’t you love how the Message translation ends with “grace me with Your clear revelation.” Sometimes we just don’t know what is going on inside us. We feel like David—we are on the road to nowhere. Spend some time in prayer, asking God to grace you with His revelation. What steps can you take to be in tuned for His answer? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Naming Our Emotions

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Mastering our emotions has nothing to do with asceticism or repression, for the purpose is not to break the emotions or deny them but to "break in" the emotions, making them teachable because they are tamed. -Os Guinness, God in the Dark. (Crossway Books; Published 1996)

Angry Mean, Irritated, Removed, Annoyed, Apathetic, Cold, Critical, Judgmental, Snappy, Indifferent, Impatient, Antagonistic, Sarcastic, Offended, Mad, Hostile, Spiteful, Resentful, Bitter, Controlling, and Grumpy.

Happy Joyful, Upbeat, Delighted, Elated, High Spirits, Light, Cheerful, Open, Inspired, Secure, Pleased, Satisfied, and Thrilled. Sad Discouraged, Exhausted, Drained, Heavy-Hearted, Disappointed, Crushed, Rejected, Lonely, Weepy, Heartbroken, Low, Weary, Hopeless, Regretful, and Grief-Stricken.

Accepted Safe, Loved, Wanted, Included, Received, Believed, Embraced and Understood. Rejected Abandoned, Dismissed, Lonely, Forgotten, Deserted, Unnoticed, and Neglected.

Peaceful Quiet, Harmonious, Content, Calm, Relaxed, Comforted, Tranquil, Still, and Untroubled.

Content Calm, Confident, Satisfied, Trusting, Unresentful, Unworried, Positive, Secure and Relaxed.

Anxious Fearful, Confused, Unsettled, Uneasy, Nervous, Worried, Rattled, Paralyzed, Embarrassed, Frustrated, Disoriented, Stressed, and Insecure.

Jealous Suspicious, Unsatisfied, Negative, Ungrateful, Threatened, Insecure, Disbelieving, Demanding, Greedy, Possessive, Bitter, Hard, and Spiteful.

Loving Kind, Gentle, Giving, Considerate, Patient, Forgiving, Merciful, Gracious, Affectionate, Warm, Responsive, Grateful and Tender.

Ashamed Unloved, Unworthy, Awkward, Self-Conscious, Embarrassed, Intimidated, Guilt-Ridden, SelfCondemning, and Exposed.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the many emotions we may feel at any time, but it is a good place to start. When you experience a positive emotion, try to remember to thank God and enjoy. When experiencing a negative or destructive emotion, allow the emotion to lead you to repentance if necessary and claim one of the nearly 7,000 promises found in God’s Word.

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TEACHING WEEK 2 How do I know I have received God’s forgiveness?

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What does Biblical, healthy forgiveness look like? _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Have you lost the ability to see any gold in your offender? Do you only see the dirt? We are all a combination of gold and dirt, every single one of us. It is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11b NIV) _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Mercy is NOT giving someone what they deserve. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. (1 Peter 3:9 ESV) What is reviling? It is condemning, punishing, criticizing or attacking another. _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who Judges justly. (1 Peter 2:23 ESV) _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. We hinder Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s plans and purposes for us when we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forgive; we are excused from His feasting table of mercy, blessings and purposes. _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ This is by no means an exhaustive list of the many emotions we may feel at any time, but it is a good place to start. When you experience a positive emotion, try to remember to thank God and enjoy. When experiencing a negative or destructive emotion, allow the emotion to lead you to repentance if necessary and claim one of the nearly 7,000 promises found in Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Word.

WEEK 3 - TAKING CONTROL

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n his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Daniel Goleman said this about selfcontrol: “This is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who self-regulate typically don’t allow themselves to become too angry or jealous and they don’t make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act.”

Self-control is one of the keys to successful relationships. We must grow in our emotional capacity to filter our thoughts through the grid of truth before carelessly reacting to our circumstances. This requires self-control; creating effective solutions and responses to the sometimes-puzzling behavior of ourselves and others requires emotional maturity. Shouldn’t we as Christians be the most emotionally mature? After all, as followers of Christ, we have the powerful Spirit of Truth residing in us; He is the very source of self-control (see Galatians 5:22, 23). Sadly, far too often, God’s people fail to exhibit the fruit of self-control.

our choice to either focus on the problem or drill into the promises of God and seek His help. Just as Jesus touched the man with healing mercy, our loving, Abba Father stands by, ready to lavish us with His mercies that are new every day. He will not leave us to languish in our unhealthy state. He knows our tendency toward wallowing in our sickness; so He reaches out with hope that will change our lives. As Proverbs 13:12 says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NLT). Read this verse carefully; really let it sink in: “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:3; NIV). This verse has encouraged me and given me hope in seemingly hopeless situations many times over the years. Memorize this verse; write it on the tablet of your heart. How might this truth apply to a current situation in your life?

Last week we unpacked the importance of selfawareness and the value of pausing to name any given emotion. This simple act alone can greatly reduce the potency of a negative emotion. However, once we have identified our emotions, sometimes we may feel helplessly mired within them. If negative emotions persist, it is critical we have the proper tools to choose a healthy course of action. Familiar and deeply rooted negative responses can have an unrelenting hold on us, but there is no such thing as a hopeless, permanent emotion or circumstance when we invite Jesus into the situation. Check out the following words of truth:

Self-awareness ignites the flames of change. However, we can’t will ourselves to live differently; we just don’t have that kind of awesome power on our own. Acknowledging and inviting God’s truth into our hearts and minds about ourselves, others, and God is the secret to transformation that lasts. We need the help of the powerful Holy Spirit of God to transform us. How? We must first develop thought networks of truth built on God’s Word. All change in our lives begins in our minds, not our behavior or emotions. Our emotions and behavior follow what we are thinking.

“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6; NIV).

What area of your life do you find most difficult to change? Where is your thinking “in a rut”?

The man Jesus spoke to found himself in a seemingly permanent and hopeless situation. “Do you want to get well” seems an odd question. Who doesn’t want to get well? Actually, many of us prefer to remain unwell. We must choose to be well, especially in regard to our emotions. Ultimately, no one can force us to behave a particular way. No matter what happens to us, it is

Jesus said, “I am the . . . truth” (John 14:6). John 17:17 tells us God’s Word is truth; and Abba tells us in 2 Timothy 3:16, 17: “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work” (NLT). When we embrace truth, we are embracing our Lord, who is the Living Word. His truth is revealed in His Word, the Bible.

Remember, we are made in the image of God and God has emotions. He wants us to have good, healthy emotions; the more we allow the Holy Spirit to control our thoughts, the more we gain emotional health. Abba has such great plans for all His children, but He needs us to trust him, and to show ourselves trustworthy. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much” (Luke 16:10; NIV). Emotionally unhealthy people are not trustworthy; they are ruled by their feelings rather than truth.

EQ is not about acquiring knowledge; it’s about intentionally building a life of wisdom which opens the door for Abba Father to reveal His perfect plans and purposes for us. We cannot hear the Spirit of God directing us if we have negative, unproductive, emotions screaming within us. How do we begin the transformation of our minds?

Remember, just a mustard seed of trust (faith) can have wonderful results. Abba is waiting for us to take a step toward Him, trusting Him to change us. Obedience is the step He is looking for. Daniel understood the power of one step of faith. As he stepped into the lion’s den, he didn’t focus on the lions who wanted to tear him apart; he kept his eyes on the Lord, trusting Him with every breath he took. Trusting the Good Lord shows obedience and humbleness and both unleash the powerful Holy Spirit within us!

Read Ephesians 4:21–24. What do you believe it means to “put on your new nature”? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

When we feel weak in our faith and our steps falter, we should say: “Help me Jesus! Heal me Jesus! I trust You, Jesus.” Repeating this prayer over and over can supply the spiritual, emotional, and physical strength to move forward.

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What step of faith and trust in Jesus is he asking you to take?

Paul tells us in Ephesians 4 to let the Spirit change our way of thinking. Our thoughts determine how we travel this journey of life and what kind of fruit will be produced along the way. Abba desires for us to thrive, not just survive while white-knuckling the ride.

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Proverbs 4:23 says, “Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life” (CEV). The TEV translation puts it this way: “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.” This powerful verse clearly confirms how our thoughts determine our happiness and success with our relationships with God and others. We can find ourselves trapped in situations, begging God to change our circumstances or change others, when all the while, God is asking us to change the way we think. Our growth and transformation starts with our thoughts.

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od’s Word tells us we are saved by grace; our salvation is a free gift from God. However, our spiritual and emotional growth require our efforts. Peter wrote to us in 2 Peter 3:14b, “Make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with Him” (NIV).

are to put off our old ways and start new ways. The new ways are the result of new spiritual disciplines. These disciplines help us to abide in Christ. They help to grow close to Jesus and ignite the power of the Holy Spirit within us.

Paul breaks the “make every effort” down for us in Ephesians 4:22–24: “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (NIV). God gives us the formula for changing the attitudes of our minds throughout Scriptures: We

In order to take control of our lives we must agree to be under the control of the Holy Spirit. When you pray, take a moment to invite and welcome the Holy Spirit, and pay attention to His stirrings in your heart. Start your times with the Lord in this way, and you will likely find yourself connecting deeply. This could be the beginning of a life of spiritual discipline. Spiritual disciplines are practices that help us to start taking control of our lives.

What are some key spiritual disciplines?

4. Fellowship with other believers. This final discipline is critical to our growth. God tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17; NIV). Hebrews 10:25 tells us: “You should not stay away from the church meetings, as some are doing, but you should meet together and encourage each other. Do this even more as you see the day coming” (NCV). We need one another to grow into the perfect image God has designed for each of us.

1. Spend daily time in God’s Word. This is the critical first step to rewiring our minds. God’s truths are alive and powerful and will root out lies and initiate great change and growth! In Psalm 119:37, we read the words of the Psalmist: “Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word” (NIV). God stands ready every day, hoping you will seek Him. He has something to say to you; expect to hear a word from Him. His word promises: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13; NIV).

These disciplines are the practices we choose in life if we wish to learn true love for God and others, grow spiritually, and mature emotionally. They are choices we make that honor God; God blesses those who seek to follow His ways. Which of these four spiritual disciplines do you sense God is calling you to engage in?

Daily Bible reading plans and apps for daily reading or listening are readily available. Make use of one of these many options to make this discipline a reality in your life.

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2. Meditate on the attributes and truths of Abba Father.

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This is not some New Age discipline. This was God’s mandate to us from the beginning. Meditation simply means to think deeply upon, ponder, reflect, or to focus one’s mind. However, meditation is different from prayer. While prayer is talking and listening to God, meditation is focusing on God or some message or promise from His Word. There are roughly 7000 promises in God’s Word. When we need to calm our emotions, we would be wise to pick the most relevant promise or verse and visualize the Lord fulfilling it. Meditation helps us to be still and focus on God and His promises, getting our minds off our problems.

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Psalm 1:2, 3 tells us; “but those whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night, that person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers” (NIV). Do you spend quiet time (without your phone by your side) contemplating the Names of God, God’s promises, or powerful passages that speak to your situation or condition?

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______________________________________________ What changes can you make in your daily schedule in order to start practicing one or two of these spiritual disciplines? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Spiritual disciplines set us up for renewing our minds. It is important to note that learning new ways requires intentional effort. We can change networks of thinking in our brains, but we must have the “mindset” that it will require hard work. How long it takes depends on your determination, your circumstances, and how deeply embedded the old network is within your thought process. The amazingly good news is science aligns with Scripture, assuring us that regardless of our circumstances, our choice to change can become a reality!

3. “Pray . . . at all times” (Ephesians 6:18; NLT). Prayer is a spiritual discipline required of a follower of Christ; it yields a rich and rewarding relationship with God. We can be encouraged that the Lord does hear us—“In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly” (Psalm 5:3, NIV). Not only does He hear us, Psalm 34:15 tells us “The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry” (NIV). God listens with interest and consideration when we come to Him. Beyond this, Jesus tells us in John 14:14: “Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!” (NLT). Why don’t we ask? There is nothing He can’t or won’t do except that which is outside His perfect will for us.

On his website, author James Clear notes; “On average, it takes more than two months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances. In [a particular] study, it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit.”

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esterday, we covered the importance of practicing spiritual disciplines—the overarching practices that, if employed, will shape us spiritually and emotionally in godly ways.

you into his most excellent harmonies” (Philippians 4:8, 9; THE MESSAGE). What “old things” do you need to take out of your life, mind, or body so that God can work you into His most excellent harmonies?

Today, let’s talk about specific thinking patterns we can develop to renew our minds. “Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” (Ephesians 4:23; NLT).

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Let’s unpack five steps toward renewing our minds, some of which we’ve covered in previous chapters:

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1. Recognize – We must acknowledge and name what needs changed.

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We have to become more aware of our thoughts and feelings in order to take control.

4. Replace – Our brains do not retain a void; once we have removed old ways of thinking, they must be replaced.

2. Repent – Self-awareness will often lead to repentance. Those interested in maturing their emotional quotient are willing to take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors. Satan loves to plant evil thoughts in our heads. However, you can take courage, adored child of God. As a believer in Jesus Christ, you have the mind of Christ! Matthew 28:18 tells us that all power was given to Jesus. If all power was given to Him, how much is left for Satan? Zip! We have the power of Jesus working in us to confront and overcome our sins and to stop living in patterns of harmful, dysfunctional thoughts. Amen?!!

It’s not enough to remove negative thoughts. We feed the networks within our brain through our constant stream of thought; our brains are always constructing new networks or strengthening old ones. If we desire to construct new, healthy networks, we must replace our old, unhealthy thought life. In her book, Switch on your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health, Dr. Caroline Leaf explains the impact of our thought lives: “Research has shown that mental practice-imagination, visualization, deep thought, and reflection- produces the same physical changes in the brain as would physically carrying out the same imagined processes. Brain scans show that the parts of the brain activated by action are the same parts of the brain activated by simply thinking about an action.”

3. Remove - “Everything — and I do mean everything — connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it!” (Ephesians 4:22; THE MESSAGE). We can’t adopt new ways of thinking until we determine to get rid of our old ways of thinking. Our brains absorb all to which we are exposed throughout the day. What are we seeing with our eyes and who are we listening to with our ears? How can we know what we should remove?

This is incredibly exciting confirmation that we can, indeed, rewire our brains and why practicing the spiritual disciplines is so important. Reading God’s Word, meditating on His character, communicating with Him in prayer, and actively engaging with a community of believers change our brains for the good!

God gives us the standard: “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work

When we become self-aware enough to recognize unhealthy, toxic thoughts and emotions, repent of those sinful ways, and choose to replace the old thoughts with healthy thoughts through the grid of God’s Word, we begin to build new thought networks—we begin the process of a renewed mind.

In what way(s) does the quote from Dr. Leaf’s book align with God’s Word? Cite Scripture to support your thoughts.

Whatever we feed our minds, we become. So you must ask yourself, what do you want to become? And what are you feeding your mind? And do those things align?

Let’s take another look at Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (NIV). What exactly is Paul saying here?

Frank Outlaw, the late president of the Bi-Lo Store is reported to have said: “Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

If we are to “think about such things,” we must be able to recognize such things. We must be able to ascertain what is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable . . . and what is true. If we recognize what is true, we can recognize all the rest. Paul declares that we can know the truth. Remember when Pilate questioned Jesus? He asked Jesus, “Are you the King of the Jews?” Jesus said, “the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to m,e” to which Pilate scoffed, “What is truth?” (John 18:34–38; NIV).

5. Repeat. This is the last and perhaps most important step in renewing your mind. This is not a “once-anddone” proposition. To truly rewire your brain and enter into the “mind of Christ,” you must repeat the first four steps on a daily basis. The enemy is always prowling around looking for someone open to his lies and destructive thoughts; so you must always guard your thoughts. The enemy seeks to destroy, but always remember the Lord has your back. “For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him” (2 Chronicles 16:9; NIV).

Pilate lived in a culture in which everyone possessed their own version of truth, much like our own culture. Society tells us that truth is relative to what we think and feel; but here we find Jesus, standing before the one who holds the power to put Him to death, proclaiming that it is possible to know the real Truth. He could make this astounding claim because Jesus was and is the Truth. Cultures continually redefine their “truths.” God’s Truth never changes because He never changes. No matter what the culture decrees as good or evil, what was morally wrong in the Old and New Testaments, is still morally wrong today.

In his book, Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis states: “Now the whole offer which Christianity makes is this: that we can, if we let God have His way, come to share in the life of Christ. Christ is the Son of God. If we share in this kind of life we also shall be sons of God. We shall love the Father as He does and the Holy Ghost will arise in us. He came to this world and became a man in order to spread to other men the kind of life He has—by what I call ‘good infection.’ Every Christian is to become a little Christ. The whole purpose of becoming a Christian is simply nothing else.”

How does our culture’s definition of truth differ from the truth in God’s Word? Can you think of an example?

In other words, we are called to be infectious and contagious, not toxic and deadly. Thanks to neuroplasticity, changing our thoughts (as well as our behaviors and experiences) causes us to form new synaptic connections, strengthen existing ones, and weaken others. In other words, to be transformed.

Rejecting old patterns of thoughts and replacing them with truth as defined by God rewires our thinking to a higher spiritual and emotional level. This is what it means to have the mind of Christ. In Philippians 4:8, Paul tells us to “think on these things.” We must weigh our decisions based on God’s standard of Truth.

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immediately deal with these emotions in a healthy manner so we don’t end up with a spirit of anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness. The enemy loves to fuel our frustrations, add a layer of condemnation, and top us off with feelings of hopelessness.

et’s focus on the most common negative emotions with which we deal and unpack how we take control of them. Why are we targeting negative emotions? Because most of us don’t need help managing positive, healthy emotions. Unhealthy emotions, however, hurt us, and those with whom we engage. They keep us from growing emotionally and spiritually.

I encourage you to determine to change your mind immediately and interrupt unhealthy thoughts. Don’t allow them to keep playing in your mind. The more attention and time you give them, the stronger the thought network becomes, and the harder it is to pull your mind away from unhealthy thoughts.

We have all suffered with feeling frustrated; so let’s start with this emotion. Frustration is a normal reaction to life’s hard knocks. Having this initial feeling is not sinful; however, what we do with our frustrations can lead us into the murky waters of sin.

When it comes to negative emotions or difficult circumstances the following steps coupled with principles from Day Three will greatly help us grow our emotional maturity.

Frustration often pops up in our lives when we feel stuck, trapped, or disappointed. These feelings can lead to depression and discouragement. We must

1. Practice self-awareness. Acknowledge and recognize negative emotions and tell the Lord you are hurting and need his help. Don’t hide your feelings from Abba; let it all out.

Seeds of thanksgiving planted in the soil of your soul will produce a harvest of joy. A principle found throughout Scripture is what we sow, we will reap. Simply writing three things you are grateful for every day can change feelings of depression, hopelessness and despair.

2. Look for learning opportunities. Don’t go down the “why me” path. Rather, ask the Lord, “What can I learn from this?” Nothing in your life slipped by our loving Abba. He has good plans to work all things for your good, but you have to invite Him into your circumstances. If you need to repent of any self-pity or lack of trust in Him, do so now so you can move forward.

I came across a fascinating blog on the Huffington Post that stated: “In one study of gratitude, conducted by Robert A. Emmons at the University of California at Davis and his colleague Mike McCullough at the University of Miami, randomly assigned participants were given one of three tasks. The participants kept a journal each week, with one group describing things they were grateful for, another describing what’s hassling them and the other keeping track of neutral events. After ten weeks, the participants in the gratitude group felt 25 percent better than the other groups.”

3. Share with a safe person. Often, just voicing our feelings helps our perspective and lowers our anxiety about the problem. This is part of the removal process. We need to get unhealthy thoughts and emotions out of ourselves. We can write them down, say them out loud before the Lord, and/or share them with a safe person.

Another study found that higher levels of gratitude, practiced over more than 70 days, were associated with better sleep and lower levels of anxiety and depression. This research backs up how we can take control of our negative emotions.

4. Visualize yourself in a better place. Focus on the “future you.” Say to yourself, “I am growing more merciful, more forgiving, more generous, more gracious, and more loving.” Try to visualize how each of these attributes will look when integrated into your life. Claim these attributes over yourself. Replace your current emotion with the attribute available to you because of who you really are in Christ. Replace the negative emotion with a promise from God’s Word.

Remember author James Clear noted that it takes on average 66 days to change a pattern of thinking and possibly up to 254 days if it is deeply embedded. God made us to be joyful, productive, engaging, and loving and we have the power within us to thrive. What changes in your schedule do you need to make in order to have sufficient time to ponder and record three things per day for which you are grateful? Ideally, this should be done first thing in the morning or before going to bed. Try this practice this week.

5. Reframe the pain. No matter how bad things seem at the moment, things can always be worse. There is always someone going through more than you are going through. Ask yourself what you can be grateful for even in the middle of a hardship? Speak your reasons for thanksgiving or write them down. This process will give you a more honest perspective—a new framework of reference. Reframe your thinking and then remind yourself often; this will allow you to start building new networks of healthy thoughts in your brain.

Think of a situation where you are experiencing negative emotions. Spend some time working through these five steps, applying them to that particular situation. What happens? Journal about your response.

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Worry, fear and anxiety are also very common negative emotions. Have you watched the news lately? In an article for The American Psychological Association, R.A. Clay wrote: “Stress is up. Most Americans are suffering from moderate to high stress, with 44 percent reporting that their stress levels have increased over the past five years. Concerns about money, work and the economy top the list of most frequently cited sources of stress. Fears about job stability are on the rise, with 49 percent of respondents citing such fears as a source of stress — up from 44 percent last year.

Corinthians 10:5). But how was I to take my “thoughts captive”? Every time I started to worry about her, I would say, “Jesus, help us! Jesus, heal us! Jesus, I trust You!” I repeated my pleas over and over; this helped me focus on Jesus and helped soothe my emotions. I also praised God for His attributes. Seeds of praise planted in the soil of our souls produce a harvest of peace. Unless we choose to trust Jesus rather than ruminate on the giants, worry will consume us.

“Stress is also taking a toll on kids. Almost a third of children reported that in the last month they had experienced a physical health symptom often associated with stress, such as headaches, stomach aches or trouble falling or staying asleep. In addition, parents don’t realize their own stress is affecting their kids.”

What “giants” are coming against you? Read John 14:27. How can we find peace within the battle? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

God gave us fear and anxiety as normal reactions to move us toward solutions to our problems. However, we get stuck in permanent states of fear and anxiety and don’t move forward; this allows worry to take root in our minds. We are all tempted to worry at times, the world in which we live provides nonstop opportunities to worry. However, we are called to be different from the culture that surrounds us. In the face of all things, we have hope that is found in Jesus and His promises. He knew worry would be a challenge for His followers; so He assures us with these words; “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7; NIV).

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ What effect do you think the prayer: “Help me, Jesus! Heal me, Jesus! I trust You, Jesus!” will have upon your emotions and your mind? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

We know worry can impact our physical well-being, but did you know it can actually cause damage to the brain? In his book The God-shaped Brain, Christian psychiatrist, Timothy R. Jennings, describes how allowing ongoing worry to take root in our brains causes our brains to produce fewer new, healthy neurons. In a sense, worry actually causes brain damage. (Wow! Let that sink in.) By living in a constant state of worry, we erect barriers between ourselves and God. When we choose to dwell in worry, we have a hard time discerning God’s will because we have persisted in a pattern of thinking that was not meant for our brains. We forfeit the harmonious, intimate relationship with Him for which we are designed. With this most important relationship so damaged, it is easy to understand how we hurt other relationships—friends, family, spouses, children. As R.A. Clay also noted in The God-shaped Brain: “Worry keeps us focused on ourselves and our problems rather focusing on Jesus and His promises.”

______________________________________________ If you dare to trust, stand firm, and refuse to be overcome, the victory is yours! Changing worry to trust ultimately changes what you believe about God. “Everyone who is a child of God conquers the world. And this is the victory that conquers the world—our faith” (1 John 5:4: NCV). We’ve explored the effect of worry upon our lives. Let’s examine the consequences of unbridled anger. Out-ofcontrol anger is one of the most destructive emotions people experience. If we want to grow our EQ we must get our anger under control. It must be understood that anger itself is not a sin. Anger is simply another emotion that is God-given. Jesus felt anger when dealing with the money changers in the Temple; He over-turned tables and shouted. Yet, we know Jesus never sinned. In this situation, Jesus was overcome by “righteous anger.” We experience righteous anger when we are moved to right a wrong.

My 20-something daughter recently went through a very stressful time. I had such a hard time not worrying when she called me to report the latest drama with the “giants” in her life. (Giants may be difficult people, health problems, financial difficulty, heart issues—any hardship with which we must fight.) I wanted to see Jesus and not the giants. I recalled that we are told to take our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2

Unrighteous, sinful anger is an uncontrolled emotion that lacks good judgment and is careless of the person toward whom it is directed. Unrighteous anger also tends to distort the facts; the predominate focus of sinful anger is self.

with jealousy. He allowed his emotions to control him. “And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David” (1 Samuel 18:9; NIV). For eight years, Saul hunted David and tried to kill him! We may not try to murder another because of our jealousy, but often we use other covert ways to kill—we try to kill another’s reputation, happiness, and peace.

Even when we are moved to anger in order to right a wrong, allowing anger to gain control can drive us soundly into sinful territory. There are a few things to remember to avoid sinful anger overshadowing a righteous cause:

Read Ephesians 3:20. What does this verse tell you about God’s provision? ______________________________________________

• Don’t communicate until you take time to cool off. If your heart is beating fast and your face is burning, take some deep breaths and walk away. Recognize your anger and ask Jesus to take control of your thoughts. Don’t proceed until you process!

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• Ask yourself if your desire is to help this person or to harm them. Is your desire to really hear where they are coming from or is it to insist on having your way?

All sinful emotions are warnings to us that we need to know God better. Saul did not believe how generous our Abba is and that He has good plans and purposes for all His children. Saul did not believe that God loved him with an everlasting love; Saul was not aware that God could and would bless him in more ways than Saul could have imagined. Saul had his jealous eyes on David instead of his Lord and Savior. Like the Pharisees, Saul’s jealousy blinded him to the work of the Holy Spirit.

• Ask yourself if you are going to feel good tomorrow about the words you are about to say. Will you have to apologize later? If so, don’t engage. • Always remember that the spirit is strong, but the flesh is weak. If you are hungry, lonely or tired, you should always back away from conflict. It’s ok to come back another day and deal with an issue when you have more strength to cope.

How can you prevent thoughts of jealousy from playing in your mind? ______________________________________________

• In a tense situation, take a moment and get control of your emotions before responding. You can’t control others, but you can control how you respond to them. Try to visualize the real you (a daughter or son of the King of Kings) responding truthfully yet lovingly, as opposed to an out-of-control response.

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Make sure envy or jealousy is not at the heart of your anger. Whether we like to admit it or not, we all struggle with jealousy. This emotion is so deadly; consider how it played a huge role in putting Jesus on the cross! The Pharisees and other leaders were so threatened by Jesus that they were totally blind when Truth stood before them, offering a better way. In the end, their jealousy warped their thinking to the degree that their solution to dealing with The Way, The Truth, and The Life was to kill Him.

“Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else” (Galatians 6:4; NLT). What steps is the Holy Spirit putting on your heart to implement in order to take control of your thinking? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

German theologian Johann Kaspar Lavater wrote these profound words: “The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time.”

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Jealousy not only dulls our spirits; according to the psalmist, jealousy makes us senseless and ignorant! “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you” (Psalm 73:21, 22).

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If you stand up for Jesus, you stand out. King David knew that full well. When the Israelite women sang, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands” (1 Samuel 18:7; NIV), Saul was consumed

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video TEACHING WEEK 3

Subheader Here: Mercy is showing ___________________ and ___________________ toward someone by recognizing a need and ___________________ their need. Mercy is also choosing to ___________________ another. The heart of mercy is _________________________________________________________________. Mercy develops a ______________________________________ with others and with God. Mercy grows in our heart when we know God. Knowing God helps us ___________________ ourselves.

Question 1 __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________

Question 2 __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________

WEEK 4 - LETâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S MOTIVATE!

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n his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, psychologist Daniel Goleman, outlines a framework of five elements that define emotional intelligence: self-awareness (the ability to recognize your own emotional responses to life), self-regulation (the ability to control reactions to emotional stimuli), empathy, social skills, and motivation. This week, we’ll focus on motivation. Dr. Goleman says, “People with a high degree of EI are usually motivated. They’re willing to defer immediate results for long-term success.”

that will last. Paul wrote to the church in Colossae about a great mystery: we have “Christ in us, the hope of glory. He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me” (Colossians 1: 27b–29; NIV). Paul makes it clear that his energy or motivation was from Christ. He wants us to understand that we can’t drum up enough motivation on our own to go the distance with Jesus or to achieve the goals He places on our hearts. We need Him to inspire us and direct us toward action and change. As Christians, our motivation is different from that of the world. Our motivation comes from the inspiration of the Holy Spirit of God.

The dictionary defines motivation as the reason one has for acting or behaving in a particular way. Motivation is the force within us that keeps pushing us forward. Motivation is our internal reaction that gives us the drive and desire to achieve and produce.

What life changes do you need to make in order to allow the Holy Spirit to work powerfully in and through you?

Paul wrote in Romans: “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:11, 12; NIV). In essence, Paul enjoins us to grow in our motivational response to life in the kingdom.

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In order to reach our goals in this life and fulfill our purpose, we have to be motivated. How do we tap into a motivation that does not lack zeal? Paul tells us we do this by keeping our spiritual fervor or our spiritual enthusiasm. We won’t achieve our dreams without passionate enthusiasm. Interestingly, the word for enthusiasm comes from the Greek word “entheos” which means “in God.”

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ The world’s motivation is self-centered: selfimprovement, self-advancement, and making a name for self. God’s ways of motivation are just the opposite. Jesus told His followers, “Whoever serves you like a servant is the greatest among you. People who think they are better than others will be made humble. But people who humble themselves will be made great” (Matthew 23:11,12; ERV). As Christ followers, our motivation is not self-centered, it is other-centered.

Paul assures us that our choices to walk closely with the Lord, seek Him, thank Him, and obey Him on adaily basis will enable us to remain motivated to press on! When we accept Jesus as our Savior and choose to follow Him, we have His powerful, eternal Spirit within us. We are eternal souls headed for our forever home with Him. We need His Spirit to give us the desire to produce fruit

Remember to practice the spiritual disciplines we covered last week especially when you are not feeling close to God; read your Bible, meditate on God, pray, and intentionally seek fellowship with other believers. Perhaps you have heard the saying, “If you are not feeling close to God, guess who moved?” If you are born again, God never moves away from you; He lives inside you, standing by and waiting for you to acknowledge His presence and willingly accept His guidance.

Paul wasn’t motivated by money, power, prestige or worldly success. Paul said, “To me, the only important thing about living is Christ” (Philippians 1:21a; ERV). Do you know why Paul was motivated to live for Christ? Because he knew this was the secret to really living—the source of true purpose, peace, joy, and hope. Paul knew the road to spiritual and emotional well-being was a life focused on others rather than on himself. When we live for ourselves we lose motivation and easily burn out. God did not make us to live our lives centered on us. He knows that is not good for us and this kind of life keeps us emotionally immature. That is why He tells us the most important thing we can do is love Him and others. A life of love is a life focused outward; God wants us to understand this type of life is the only course that will enable us to become the people we were designed to be and empower us to accomplish all He prepared for us before we were ever born (see Psalm 139:16).

Over the next few days of our study, we’ll unpack five practical steps we can take to stay motivated to press on as followers of Christ. 1. Seek God’s purpose and plans for you. “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5; NIV).

Read Romans 12:11–13. What specific things does this verse encourage us to do? Which of these resonates most deeply with you?

Every single one of us is born with a purpose; however, we can so easily get in the way of our God-given purpose. No one knows you better than your designer, Abba Father. Our purpose can be difficult to discover, but reverence for the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. In other words, knowing the Lord and seeking His insights into your heart will allow you to align yourself with His purposes in your life.

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God has planted a dream in your heart; this dream may well be God’s plan for you. Take time to be alone and dream! If you could do anything in this world, what

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would it be? Ask the Lord if this is His perfect will for you. You can find peace, joy, and strength for the journey when you sense you are in sync with the Holy Spirit’s will in your life. He will always make sure that you are in the right place at the right time. Listen closely and align yourself with His Spirit’s call; then you can know you are living out His will for your life.

in hand with Him before He sends us off running races for Him. Have you known (or known of) Christians who start strong with “big assignments” only to fall hard for all the world to witness? I wonder if they stopped “walking” with the Lord. Were they too focused on running and doing rather than seeking the Lord’s will and help?

He made us; He called us; He will enable us to live out His purpose for our lives. “He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace” (2 Timothy 1:9a; NIV).

In order to stay the course toward our true purpose in this world, we need to check our motives often. Are we serving the Lord or seeking to serve ourselves? Why do so many famous people; such as, movie stars crash and burn? Who are they serving? We grow our emotional capacity (EQ) when we seek to serve the Lord with our lives because we are putting aside our immediate, fleshly, selfish desires for a higher, divine desire.

If you have no idea what your purpose on this earth is, may I encourage you to spend more time in God’s Word? Ask Him to direct you. There are so many great devotionals and Scripture reading plans; pick one and stick with it. Write down what speaks to you and then start praying it over your life. Praying the Word of God initiates the will of God.

“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Philippians 2:12, 13; NIV). God is the One who instills within us both the desire and the ability to walk with Him. We cannot even do that on our own. Why should we believe we can locate and live out our purpose without listening to Him closely and following Him faithfully? Please read Psalm 139:13–16. What is keeping you from believing God made you in an amazing and wonderful way? In what ways are you impacted today by the knowledge that all your days were planned and written in the Lord’s book for you?

This life is a journey and it may take a while to discover your God-given purpose. Often, our loving Abba Father wants you to get to know Him before He reveals His perfect plans and purposes for you. (This was certainly true in my own life.) You need a strong foundation in your relationship with Him before you can consistently be used powerfully by Him. Ask the Good Lord to help you trust Him to fulfill His purposes for you in His perfect timing. Also, we need to know who we are in Christ and stop believing lies about ourselves so the Lord can reveal His perfect plans for us. Just as we physically learn how to walk before we run, the Lord desires that we walk hand

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Some of you reading this may be thinking life has passed you by and you missed your opportunity to know your God given purpose. I want to encourage you that if you are living and breathing, God’s plan for you is still in effect. He called Abram at the age of 75 to leave Haran and enter the promised land of Canaan! The Lord blessed Elizabeth with her only child, John the Baptist, when she was well past child-bearing years (in other words, she probably had long finished having hot flashes). Daniel was 80-something when he received his lion’s den assignment. It is never too late to get motivated for your special assignments from the Lord!

t is so important to know how God made us. Have you taken the time to discover how wonderfully you are knit together? After the Good Lord made you, He threw the mold away. There is only one you! Isn’t it worth your time and effort to know your strengths, weaknesses, and uniqueness? May I suggest taking a free on-line test? If you will go to https://www.16personalities.com, you will find a free test that gives insightful feedback regarding whom you are and why you do the things you do. As wonderful as this test (and others like it) may be, it is also important to know what your spiritual gifts are. As believers we are all given a spiritual gift. Paul wrote, “A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other” (1 Corinthians 12:7–11; NLT). Knowing your spiritual gift helps you find your purpose. In order to discover what spiritual gifts are mentioned in the Bible check out the following passages: Romans 12:6–8; 1 Corinthians 12:4–11; and 1 Peter 4:10-11. How do you discover your spiritual gift? Ask Abba Father to show you. He does not want it to be a mystery; He gave each of us a gift in order to be a blessing to others. A good way to begin pinpointing your own spiritual gifting is to start volunteering to serve; then ask others what gifts they recognize at work within you.

What did you discover from taking either 16 personalities or the spiritual gifts test? What is one unexpected thing you discovered about yourself? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Finally, may I encourage you to check out Lifeway’s Spiritual Gifts Survey at https://tinyurl.com/bpl9lgm

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2. The second practical step toward staying motivated to press on as a follower of Christ is: Set godly goals.

goal, does not mean it’s unattainable. Maybe God is simply saying, “Not now.”

Godly goals are goals revealed to us by the Holy Spirit; they give us a clear direction as to where we are headed in relation to God’s purpose in our lives. Aligning ourselves with these goals is important; they keep us motivated and focused. When we set a goal, we are essentially making a promise to ourselves that we are working toward something that gives us significance and purpose and fulfills our God given destiny. Our goals may be very different than goals our culture holds in high esteem. Our goals may be work related, but they may also include being good spouses, good parents, good friends, or productive members of our communities. (No matter the goal for which you aim, remember, the most important purpose for each of us is to love our Lord and to love others; this is where we find true, emotional peace and joy.)

What new goal is coming to mind for you? Is there a change you have been putting off that you feel the Holy Spirit nudging you toward? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ When we stand up for Jesus, we stand out; although there are great rewards that come with following the Lord, there is also a cost and unexpected surprises. “For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish,” (Luke 14:28–30; NKJV).

James emphasizes the importance of seeking the Lord’s will in regard to our goals: “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that’” (James 4:13–15; NIV).

Also, we have to stay fluid with the Lord. I picture my journey with Him like a ride down a river. Some days are easy, calm, and quiet; other days, I hit white-water rapids. The rapids are always unexpected and scary, but even in the midst of the harrowing way, I know He is still guiding my boat and I am safe with Him . . . because I am anchored to Him and He is the One who walks on water and calms the storm with a word. Amen?!

True joy doesn’t come from achieving a goal; it comes from walking in union with our Designer and doing what He designed us to do. True joy is achieved when we witness the Good Lord working out His perfect plans in our lives.

Surprises happen in life, your best laid plans and goals can suddenly hit a white-water rapid you didn’t see coming. Let the Lord guide you and keep moving forward, staying flexible. Don’t get out of the boat! Please read Proverbs 16:9. What do you think it means to have God establish your steps?

God gave us the ability to feel motivated so that we will seek His will and set goals. Setting a goal is about building new habits into our lives. Set reasonable goals and keep them simple. For example, if your goal is to read God’s Word every day to bring about positive changes in your life, then set up a reading program that you can achieve. As I used to tell my kids: “inch by inch it’s a cinch, but mile by mile takes a while.” Whatever your goal, it will be reached one step at a time. Keep the steps simple and clear. The simpler and clearer we make our goals the more likely we will stay motivated to reach them. Keep your goal attainable and within your calling for this season of your life. Remember, we experience different seasons and our goals should be in line with our current circumstances. For instance, my children are in their 20s, so I have a bit of flexibility with my schedule. I am not sure I could write this Bible study if they were little and still needed much of my attention throughout the day. Writing this study was an attainable goal for this season of my life. Ask yourself how any goal you consider will affect other areas of your life. How will it affect your marriage, your work, your parenting, and your friendships? How will it affect your body, soul, spirit, and emotions? Just because today may not be the right day for a particular

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Life will always present problems; none of us are immune to hardships. The difference between an emotionally mature believer and an emotionally immature believer is how each views the problems they encounter. We can view our problems as consuming threats or we can see them as challenges that the Lord can use to strengthen and train us. The emotionally mature views problems as challenges and immediately takes the problem to the Lord, asks for His help, and seeks His strength and solutions. God will use each challenge we face as a tool to further our education in following Him through it all. We can trust our loving Abba Father for good results, even if the journey looks different than we planned. Amen?

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3. The next step you can take toward remaining motivated as a Christ follower is: Be Committed.

through. It has become the norm to break promises because something better came along. A lack of commitment stunts our emotional growth, because we put our immediate wants and comforts ahead of God, others, and our goals.

We all have days when we are tired and do not feel very motivated! Today, as I sit at my computer to work on this lesson, it is a warm summer day and all I can think about is how much I don’t “feel like” being inside. I “feel like” being outside hiking, biking, or just sitting soaking up the summer sun!

Even when we press on and attempt to follow through on our commitments, we may find ourselves disillusioned or our ways blocked. How do we stay motivated when we don’t see the fruit of our labors, when we hit road blocks, or when it seems to be taking way too long to reach our goals? We cannot stay motivated for the long haul without fully committing to staying the course, regardless of setbacks and hardships. Most importantly, we must ask for Abba Father’s help.

But I know I can’t trust how “I feel” because my emotions change throughout the day. When our feelings fight against us, how do we press on toward our goals without giving up? The answer is simple: we don’t depend on our emotions; we keep our thoughts focused on our commitment or our promise to God, others, or ourselves and press on.

When it becomes difficult to press on, I find a truth from Scripture I can claim until the motivation returns. Then I hold onto the verse and pray its truth into the situation. None of us can stay the course without the Holy Spirit’s help; most of us are just not that motivated on our own.

Read Proverbs 16:3. What does it mean to commit whatever you do to God? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

What does Galatians 6:9 say about not giving up? What promise do we find in this verse?

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Have you noticed how our culture lacks commitment, especially in relationships? It has become acceptable to cancel commitments when we don’t “feel like” following

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The good Lord knows staying motivated to do the right thing and reaching our goals is not easy. The most committed people grow weary and discouraged at times. The secret to staying motivated is to grow our emotional capacity by being willing to forfeit immediate pleasures and comforts in order to press on through the pain and discouragement. We must never, ever give up! God promises us that the struggle will be worth it!

Realizing what it takes to stay the course and what will be lost if we quit helps fuel our motivation. For example, if your goal is to be a more attentive, kind, and gentle mother, the day-to-day implementation may be hard work, but the long-term results of raising a wonderful human being will be worth your commitment. When we get discouraged in trying to reach our goals, we need to ask the Lord to show us a glimmer of hope. He honors this prayer because He does not want us to give up!

Even the great apostle Paul grew weary, but said this, “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it” (Philippians 3:12–16; THE MESSAGE).

Writing this study has been unusually difficult and I have found myself weary and discouraged. I have experienced one hurdle after another —our internet has been exceedingly slow, my laptop stopped working, I constantly find myself behind schedule due to unforeseen “surprises,” I hit some relational difficulties that exhausted me emotionally, and our road was closed for several weeks due to high waters and erosion. I asked the Lord to encourage me; He is so good and faithful. As I struggled to remain committed, I received a message on my Nourishments Facebook page. A precious soul who is fighting cancer expressed how the verse of the day had encouraged her to press on and thank God for all her blessings, even though she is engaged in a fight for her life. Another friend texted me that she is eagerly awaiting this study because she expects the Lord to speak to her in regard to her need to grow emotionally and spiritually.

It helps us to stay committed to our goals if we recall that we are working toward positive outcomes and rewarding changes. When we seek godly goals, we are not just seeking short term accomplishments; we are also seeking eternal rewards.

Staying motivated isn’t for someone else with more energy and vision. It is for you and me and it is often the difference between obeying God and disobeying God.

“I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us” (Philippians 3:13b, 14; NLT). God is calling you to press on and gain the “heavenly prize.”

Will you pray this prayer? Dear Abba, Thank You for the promise in your Word that tells me I can do, “all things” with the strength of Christ; nothing is impossible with You. I invite You into my circumstances and ask You to help me and encourage me. I will not give up with You by my side. If You want me to take a different path, give me the courage to embrace change. I will keep my ears and eyes open to Your guidance. I will commit to not giving up because You never give up on me! Thank You for helping me and loving me. I pray in Jesus Name, Amen.

To what particular goal do you need to stay committed? What will be lost if you give up? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

The Lord is searching for those who will press on. “For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him” (2 Chronicles 16:9; NIV).

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4. The fourth key to keeping yourself motivated as a Christ follower is: Stay optimistic, positive, and joyful.

you know. We’ve done this at Facebook, at US Foods, we’ve done this at Microsoft. We had them write a two-minute email praising or thanking one person they know, and a different person each day for 21 days in a row. That’s it. What we find is this dramatically increases their social connection which is the greatest predictor of happiness we have in organizations.”

Helen Keller is often quoted as saying, “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” Did you know that joyful, optimistic people have a much greater chance of reaching their goals than unhappy people? Often, people think happiness will come after their goals are reached. We often think success brings us happiness; but happiness based on circumstances is short-term happiness. In actuality, happiness brings success, not the other way around.

This is such a simple thing, but it has such a huge impact. If this small act can influence an organization, what kind of affect do you think this could have on an individual life? God says the most important thing to Him is that we love Him and others (Matthew 22:36–40). What better way to show our love than to express our gratitude? Yes, expressing our thanks gives others a bolt of joy, but it also lifts our spirits because we are living the way our Great Designer made us to live when we are grateful! Be intentional. Be on the lookout for the little things others do and send them a text or note letting them know your appreciation.

In the last session, we discussed the importance of gratitude. If we can name three things a day for which we are grateful, our brains begin to think more joyful thoughts. No wonder the Lord said give thanks continually (1 Thessalonians 5:18)! The most joyful people are the ones who consistently do and recognize the “little things” in life; they see and acknowledge daily blessings others may take for granted. They see God’s provision and His faithfulness in even the mundane. They practice a spirit of thanksgiving (send little thank you notes whether paper, email, or text to others often).

What steps can you take to implement this simple, yet effective practice of texting or emailing at least one person every day, thanking them or praising them for something? ______________________________________________

Shawn Achor, the bestselling author of The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work, said this about happiness: “The simplest thing you can do is a two-minute email praising or thanking one person that

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We will all struggle staying optimistic for the long haul. David struggled with discouragement and depression due to injuries and pain caused by his enemies. He wrote; “Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset? I should put my hope in God and keep praising him, my Savior and my God” (Proverbs 43:5; NCV). In other words, David wasn’t feeling optimistic and joyful. But he knew the solution: he reminded his soul to trust his Savior and his God and place his hope in Him.

pain, setbacks, and hardships. If we think we can only have good, joyful attitudes when things are going well, we will never enjoy our God-given life. All our problems will not be solved this side of heaven. We are taught in Proverbs 17:22 that “A happy heart is like good medicine, but a broken spirit drains your strength” (NCV). THE MESSAGE translation says it this way: “A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.” In Galatians 5, the Lord tells us that one of the results of having His Holy Spirit in us is that we have the fruit of joy (see Galatians 5:22). But what is the fruit of joy and how do we walk in it?

Our positive, optimistic outlook is not based on ourselves or this world. It is based on trusting that God has our backs; it is founded on the knowledge that He will never leave us or forsake us and He is going to work everything out for good in the end. In fact, we are promised an eternity where there is no sadness or heartache; someday we will experience a place that holds such beauty and peacefulness that we can’t even imagine it! When such perfection awaits, what are a few bumps and troubles along the way? We must focus on the spiritual as we live in the physical. Our thoughts should be permeated by the realization of who we are and where we’re headed. We are each headed toward the purpose for which we were created. Why do we allow our minds to get stuck on temporary, earthly things?

John answers this question for us in John 15:10–12: “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” (NIV). To have the fruit of joy, we must love and obey God. As we have learned, this is God’s greatest commandment; the second is like it: love others as yourself (see Matthew 22:36–40). Read Psalm 16. List the promises that you find in this Psalm. Which one applies to your current situation? ______________________________________________

Our thought lives are where visions are created; our minds are the breeding grounds of dreams that can and should motivate us to take action. It is important to visualize yourself succeeding in your God-given purpose. Ask God to give you an image of His dream for you. Think of the very best “you” and don’t give up on that visual.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Finally, did you know a smile can change your brain? An article in Forbes Magazine entitled A Smile Can Change Your Brain. Can An Emoticon do the Same? by Carol Kinsey Goman states, “Research shows that a smiling expression sends feedback from your face to your left frontal cortex, which in turn triggers the release of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine into your brain. These ‘happiness’ chemicals begin to improve your mood. And smiles are universally evaluated as friendly. Genuine smiling (that eye-crinkling kind) is an indicator of acceptance, inclusion and friendliness— regardless of where in the world you are doing business. Perhaps best of all, when we smile at someone, they almost always smile in return. And, because facial expressions trigger corresponding feelings, the smile you get back can also change that person’s brain chemistry and emotional state in a positive way.”

Describe your understanding of the very best you. What steps are you going to take to realize the best you? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ We are what we think and our positive thinking fuels our desire to press on. Expecting to finish strong and visualizing ourselves achieving a particular goal motivates us and keeps us from giving up. One of the only things in this life we have control over is our attitude; we can choose to be optimistic and joyful. This side of heaven, we will always experience

Isn’t it amazing what a simple smile can do?

My daughter and I volunteered at a therapeutic riding center when she was in high school. She wanted to help the special needs kids involved in the program; but when we arrived at the center the first time, she was scared. She was uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say to the kids. I assured her she didn’t need to say anything, she could simply smile; everyone understands a smile. That was the tool she needed to motivate her to step out of her comfort zone. She loved volunteering so much, she even interned at the center for two summers and worked with special needs kids throughout college! A smile has incredible positive powers.

12:15; NIV). And again in 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (NIV). True Christian friendships are a source of encouragement that help us keep our minds focused on God’s promises and help us grow in our trust of Him. As iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), true friendship spurs us toward our godly goals; true friendship speaks the truth in love. We need each other as we walk this path as believers. “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:24, 25; NIV).

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1, 2; NIV). With eyes fixed on Jesus, how could we not have a joyful, infectious smile?

Is Abba Father bringing someone to mind who needs your friendship? In what ways will you reach out to this person? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

5. Finally we can stay motivated by seeking support from safe believers.

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We all do better reaching our goals and staying motivated if we have someone supporting us with godly advice, a listening ear, and prayer. We all need “safe believers” in our lives. Safe believers are believers whom you can trust. They are not gossipers; they spend time with the Lord and know His Word; they pray often; they are intentional about their relationship with Jesus. Safe believers are deep-spirited friends who really listen to you and want the very best for you.

______________________________________________ Friends are an incredibly important aspect of life; not just because of our mutual need, but because of the affect they have in our lives. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn claims that we are indelibly influenced by the five people with whom we spend the most time. Those closest to us affect our motivation, our self-perception, our choices, and our views about God and family. We must choose wisely with whom we spend time because they will impact nearly every aspect of our lives.

Are you thinking, “I wish I knew someone like that”? Ask the Lord to help you find her. A great way to meet new friends is to volunteer at church, serve in a new area, or join a new ministry. Choose to be around people who are doing what you want to be doing. Then proceed to be the friend you want to find in others.

Very simply, when it comes to those with whom we walk this earth . . . we need each other. As the old saying goes: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Paul understood this. He encouraged all believers with these words: “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand” (Philippians 2:1–4; THE MESSAGE).

Which of the five areas of motivation spoke to you most in this season of your life: 1) seeking God’s purpose and plans for you, 2) setting godly goals, 3) being committed, 4) staying optimistic, positive and joyful, or 5) seeking support from “safe believers”? Why do you believe this is so? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

As believers we are part of God’s family. We are united by the same Spirit of Truth. We will spend eternity together; we are called to be an encouragement to others and we need encouragement from others. We need a friend we can laugh with during the good times and cry with during the hard times. We need a friend who understands Paul’s words: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans

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TEACHING WEEK 4 6. I am more critical when I don’t see God’s ____________________________ in my own life. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and sincere grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Then when you realize your worthlessness before the Lord, he will lift you up, encourage and help you. (James 4:9-10 The Living Bible) 7. ____________________________Company. Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33 NLT) 8. The ____________________________. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth—the one who accuses them before our God day and night. (Revelation 12:10b NLT) 9. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. (James 4:7-8a NIV) Four ways to deal with conflict without having a critical spirit: • Don’t use words like “you always” or “you never.” • Love protects, am I confronting with a motive to protect this person? • Have I grieved for the person I am confronting, do I have a heart of mercy toward them? • Am I willing to invest my Time in this person in order for them to be restored? Remember, mercy is NOT giving them what they deserve.

WEEK 5 - TUNE IN

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ur God is a relational God and He made us to be in relationships. This is why the greatest thing we can do on this earth, according to Him, is to love Him and love others (see Matthew 22:36–40). How can we grow emotionally or spiritually if we don’t do what the Good Lord says is the most important thing with our lives?

honors is: “Dear Lord, please break my heart for the things that break your heart.” We tune in to others best when we are tuned in to the Holy Spirit! In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Goleman calls empathy the “fundamental people skill.” This makes sense; when we are tuned in to others, God can use us as instruments to bless, sharpen, encourage, comfort, convict, or strengthen others. Being used as God’s instruments in the lives of others increases our emotional capacity. When we realize life is not all about us, we develop a deeper spiritual life, and improves our emotional health as well.

We start loving others when we become “tuned in” to them; this means being aware of their emotional state (having empathy for them). According to the “emotional intelligence guru,” Daniel Goleman, empathy is perhaps the second-most important element of EI (Emotional Intelligence). Dr. Goleman writes, “Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships , listening , and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way.”

In order to really love others we must intentionally connect with them. Empathy enables us to lower our emotional guard and feel another’s emotional state. Empathy allows us to feel what another feels. It may seem we can only truly help others if we have personally experienced the type of pain they feel, but pain is pain. We have all been hurt, suffered loss, and endured hardships. We have all experienced emotional pain. We can make others feel valued and validated by simply saying, “I am so sorry you are going through this” or “that must be hard for you to process.” Simply lending a listening ear can go a long way toward comforting a person in pain. Often, our first instinct is to try to alleviate the pain of a hurting soul by offering our advice. However, the basic need of a hurting person is to feel valued and understood. They want to feel they matter. Empathy assures others of their worth because it validates their feelings. When we make the effort to empathize, we acknowledge another’s intrinsic worth.

In order to recognize emotional needs and feelings in others, we must first identify our own emotions. This is why we began our discussion of EQ with self-awareness, the first step to growing our EQ (emotional quotient or capacity). Once we are self-aware, we are able to recognize emotions of others and deal compassionately with them. Empathy develops our “others-awareness,” affording us the ability to tap into other’s emotions. Our Maker created us to love others; we grow spiritually when we obey Him. Love reaches out to those who are hurting. To love in this way, we must be aware of others’ struggles and pain. Ask the Good Lord to open your eyes to needs around you. A prayer that our Lord

5. Finally we can stay motivated by seeking support from safe believers.

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Very simply, when it comes to those with whom we walk this earth . . . we need each other. As the old saying goes: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

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A simple smile can make the difference in someone’s day, so can a hug. I learned this lesson well when my kids were in elementary school. The grandmother of one of the students at the school passed away. I didn’t really know this family, but because I led our Moms In Touch prayer group, a friend of the family asked us to pray for the woman who lost her mom. A couple of days later I saw the grieving woman on campus; I hugged her and told her I was so sorry for her loss. I assured her we were praying for her. She broke down crying and said no one had even acknowledged her loss. Her late mother had lived out of state. With no family close by, this griefstricken woman was achingly lonely in her grief. Other moms walked by her saying nothing—they just looked the other way. I know they cared, they just didn’t know what to say. The hurting woman needed someone to care—she needed someone to empathize.

basic human need. But we kill intimacy when we are selfish. When we lack the ability to care for others, we destroy what we want most: relationships. The gravity of this reality is made clear by Paul’s words: “Don’t be misled: “No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8; THE MESSAGE). Growing our empathic muscle is perhaps the most significant effort we can make toward improving our people skills. Developing this skill will bless every area of our lives!

How do we develop our ability to empathize? We start by being intentional about recognizing emotions in others and choosing to acknowledge their hardship. Being empathetic means being willing to take a moment to try to understand another person’s perspective and what makes them tick.

In what ways do you think being “tuned in” to the Holy Spirit helps us “tune in” to others? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Empathy is a sign of emotional maturity because we think beyond ourselves to care for others. Selfish, selfcentered people are the most miserable, emotionally immature people because they have lost the Lord’s perspective regarding others and how to live a fulfilling, blessed life. An empathetic life is a giving life. As the Word of God reminds us: “Remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’” (Acts 20:35; NIV).

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ What do you think Paul meant by saying we harvest a crop of weeds when we are selfish? What would it look like for you to “plant in response to God”? What harvest is promised to those who do so?

Those who ignore the needs of others often find themselves lacking close, meaningful relationships. Because of their self-centeredness, these people are often the cause of unnecessary conflict; often, a stream of stress seems to flow from them, and they unwittingly push people away. Growing our EQ includes developing empathy, and becoming others-focused.

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Everybody wants to feel loved; God wired us for this

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y da two Let’s go to Scripture and unpack what the Lord says about empathy.

The apostle John asked, If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? (1 John 3:17; NLT). And the NKJV explains it this way, “But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?” (1 John 3:17; NKJV) The person’s heart is “shut up” or closed to feeling the suffering of others which is why she is not moved by compassion or mercy to help. We want to love others, but often don’t, because we are socially unaware of others’ needs; we are not practicing empathy.

alatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (NIV). Empathy instills in us a willingness to carry another person’s burdens. The word “carry” in Galatians 6:2 was translated from a Greek word meaning to bear, receive, and support. When we empathize with others we are agreeing to step into their pain and uphold and/or uplift them. Paul wrote to us in Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV). In other words, when a friend is suffering, the empathetic person is suffering; when a friend is celebrating, an empathetic friend will celebrate with them. This is how Christians are called to live—in harmony with one another!

Our wonderful, amazing, loving heavenly Father is our best example of empathy. A precious verse that encourages me when I am brought to tears is: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8, NLT). We are never alone in our suffering. He is always there with us watching over us and tending to every detail right down to collecting our tears. What a visual!

Sympathy, mercy, and empathy are all closely linked— each includes the emotion of passion—but they are slightly different in their definition. Sympathy says we care about others’ suffering, empathy feels others’ suffering, and mercy (compassion) is moved to action in order to help others in their suffering. Empathy is the emotional awareness that unlocks the door for the actions of compassion, mercy, and kindness.

What promise do you find in 1 Peter 5:7? What cares or anxieties do you want to give to God right now?

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How do we begin to truly tune in to others? What steps do we take to understand how they are wired? Consider the following three points:

as an individual. God is the judge; we are His agents of empathy, mercy, love, and truth. 3. Pay close attention to the needs of others. Some days we will be better at walking in awareness than others, but we can determine to start making an effort each day. It’s easy to get stressed by the demands of a day and become unaware of the people I encounter. For instance, I had a particularly stressful day while writing this study. I was at the market late one evening after a busy day. I was exhausted and still had to unload a car full of groceries and prep meals for company arriving the next day. I asked the Lord to give me the energy to be aware of anyone who needed a human connection.

1. Let go of trying to win every argument. Have you noticed our culture is losing the ability to “agree to disagree”? Have you witnessed the lack of civility while watching opposing views on most news programs or in our universities? No one seems interested in hearing the reasoning of the person with whom they disagree; they don’t seem to care how conflicting conclusions were reached. How can we connect with others if we don’t care to understand their perspectives? When connection is lost, we unnecessarily become enemies with members of our families, churches, and communities.

As I was checking out at the market, I looked up from bagging my groceries and glanced at my cashier. Then I really looked at him. He was a young man in his early 20s; he had a sadness about him. I asked if he was as tired as I was and he laughed and said he was beat. In the next short minutes together, he proceeded to open up. He told me he has been on his own since 16 years of age, but he is making it. I encouraged him, acknowledged how difficult his journey has been, and commented about what an impressive young man he is to have such a grateful attitude despite his hardships. His countenance completely changed; someone seemed interested in him! I told him I would be back in the coming weeks to check in on him.

It’s not our calling to win every argument nor to always prove ourselves right. Of course, we speak the truth, but tempered with empathy, compassion, and tenderness. We must be caring and mindful of how our words will impact the person hearing them. The person who has to win every argument is not an empathic person. The EQ moment is trying to understand how a person with whom you disagree came to their point of view. They will know we are Christians by our love. (They should also know us by our sense of humor! It is always emotionally intelligent to keep a sense of humor while discussing dissenting views. 2. Accept that everyone has the right to believe as they choose. It is not our job to debate others into our point of view. It is our job as followers of Christ to love others into the truth—God’s Word is truth. Agreeing to disagree does not mean you accept opposing values or points of view; it simply means you accept another

How much did that encounter cost me? Was the extra 10 minutes spent encouraging a precious soul who has no one, too much to pay? I love God’s ways so much! Not only was I able to provide a connection this young man needed so badly, but I also left with a new lightness in my step. God cares; so when we care, it makes us feel right with Him.

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Empathy is essential to tuning in and connecting with others; equally important is developing good listening skills. Emotionally mature people learn to listen to others.

e all have the physical ability to listen to others; and although it sounds easy, it can be difficult to really tune in and hear what someone is trying to communicate. James 1:19 says: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV). All too often, we are quick to speak, slow to listen, and quick to anger. As is true for growth in any area of our lives, developing our emotional capacity for others is something that takes time. It’s a process and demands a conscious, daily choice to be attentive and truly hear others; it is a moment-by-moment choice to be slow to speak and slow to anger. It’s critical to our relationships that we learn to listen.

the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking. Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. Let’s unpack what Dietrich Bonhoeffer shares regarding good listening skills. 1. Listening to others demonstrates love toward them. I couldn’t help but feel rejected when my friend picked up her phone and didn’t really listen to me. Sometimes, listening requires patience. God says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is patient. When we discipline ourselves to listen to others, we are demonstrating love in action. If it is always about us, we are living with low EQ. The EQ moment is listening well enough to cause another person to feel heard and valued.

Recently, I was sharing some exciting news with a friend when her phone buzzed, indicating an incoming text. She picked up her phone in the middle of my sentence and proceeded to read and respond to the text! Needless to say, my desire to share my exciting news dwindled. Has that ever happened to you? As Christians we are called to value and love others; listening to them communicates love and strengthens our connections.

How do we learn to love God? We read and understand (hear) His Word and listen for His voice with our hearts. Listening to others is also how we learn to love them. When we listen, we demonstrate the willingness to put the interest of others ahead of our own. Listening tells others we are tuned in to them and they are important enough to gain our time and attention.

German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer was an amazing follower of Christ who courageously stood against the godless Nazi leaders of his time. He paid the price of his stand with his life; he died in a Nazi prison camp. The following passage is taken from his book on Christian community, Life Together. I love what he says regarding the importance of listening.

Read Philippians 2:3, 4. What does it mean to look to the interests of others? How, specifically, could you begin to do that?

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear.

2. Focus on the person who is speaking. Try not to prepare your comments while the other person is talking. You can’t truly listen if your mind is on your own reply rather than what is being said. Take a deep breath and just listen; try to understand. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A [closed-minded] fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his personal opinions [unwittingly displaying his self-indulgence and his stupidity]” (AMP). If we are more focused

So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is

on what we are going to say next, we are not really seeking to understand what the person sharing wants to convey. We are not loving them.

enormity of the emotion they are feeling. God made us to connect; when we feel someone has connected with us, it is often enough for us to feel better about our circumstances and give us a better perspective.

Sometimes, people just need someone to listen and offer no comment or advice at all.

7. Resist the temptation to judge. Have you noticed how we have a running dialogue going in our heads while listening to others? Often, we jump to conclusions without hearing the whole story or we start judging them without hearing their hearts. The EQ moment is when we stop our negative emotional response and simply listen with our whole heart, desiring to understand their perspective. It helps us to keep from judging others when we realize at the root of our judgmental spirit is a need to want to be better than the other person. What do we ever gain by putting someone else down?

I love this excerpt from the book; The View from a Hearse: “I was sitting, torn by grief, and somebody came along and talked to me about God’s dealings of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly. He said things I knew were true. But I was unmoved, except to wish that he would go away. And he finally did. Then another one came and sat beside me, and he didn’t talk at all. He didn’t ask me any leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour or more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, and left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go.”

8. How well I listen to others is a reflection of my relationship with God.

3. Don’t interrupt others. Try to allow the other person to completely finish their thought before you speak. Interrupting someone can kill their momentum and desire to complete the thought. Try to focus on understanding what your neighbor is saying to you. “Let people finish speaking before you try to answer them. That way you will not embarrass yourself and look foolish” (Proverbs 18:13; ERV).

Did you catch Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s piercing statement in his quote, “But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too.” (Ouch! I found that statement a bit convicting. How about you?) When we ask to hear from the Lord, we can expect to hear from Him! Jesus told the crowd in the Temple courts, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me” (John 10:27; NIV). To know His voice, you must be able to hear His voice.

4. Ask non-offensive, perceptive questions. Perceptive questions don’t cross boundaries and make a person feel interrogated. They show an interest in listening to as much detail as the sharer is comfortable giving. Non-offensive questions are high EQ questions; these questions should be used when someone says confusing or disagreeable statements. Examples of non-offensive questions are:

This begs the question: How do we “listen” to God? We must be careful to stick to the truth of Scripture regarding hearing from the Holy Spirit. We can hear different voices speaking to us in our spirit. The voice we hear can come from our own sinful nature or, even worse, from demonic whispers. As believers we cannot be indwelt by demons, but they can whisper thoughts (lies) into our conscience. Have you ever had a dark thought that suddenly popped into your head out of seemingly nowhere; it certainly did not come from the Good Lord. When I recognize this happening in my own life, I say to myself, “Devil, march!” I then start praising the Lord and the dark thoughts leave me.

“Can you help me understand what you mean?” “It sounds as though you are saying . . . Is that right?” “I am sorry. Can you clarify . . .?” “I may have misunderstood what you said about . . . Will you restate what you said?” 5. Tune in to your own body language. Non-verbal communication reveals more than you might be aware. As you listen, maintain eye contact with the person sharing; looking around or down at your phones says clearly that the speaker does not have your full attention. A nod, smile and a non-defensive posture also communicates kindness and concern, which encourages the sharer to continue.

Read James 1:5–7. How can we access wisdom? What barriers can get in the way of receiving wisdom? ______________________________________________

6. Tune-in to the speaker’s body language. What is their posture communicating? What are their hands doing? Do they seem stressed, relaxed, tense, or exhausted? What tone are they using? These cues can help you hear what the speaker may not be able to put into words.

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Just as being able to name a negative emotion we are feeling can greatly reduce its effect on us, when we demonstrate to others that we are listening and are aware of their emotions this often helps diffuse the

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hen we are seeking to hear a word from the Lord, remember that the Lord’s Prayer (found in Matthew 6) instructs us to direct our prayers to the Father. In John 14:13, Jesus tells us to pray in His name, “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it” (NIV). Of course, our Abba is so full of mercy and grace, He answers prayers that are not specifically said to Him, in Jesus’ name. But if this is how He instructs us to pray and we really want to hear from Him, why wouldn’t we do it His way?

Listening invites deep connection with God and others. We are made for fellowship; but how rich is our fellowship if we don’t learn to tune in and listen? It takes a lot of concentration and intentionality to become an active listener. Concentrate on what is being said and ask reflective questions to make sure you heard the person’s sharing correctly. When you learn to listen, your relationships will develop and deepen, enriching your life and the lives you touch. Have you noticed how our world is becoming more selfcentered? When someone has good manners and good listening skills they stand out! How many people do you know who focus on building others up instead of tearing them down? The good Lord hears everything we say! He created us to be in relationships; the greatest joy on earth is connecting with Him and others who share our same beliefs and values.

Furthermore, Luke encourages us to never give up; “Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up” (Luke 18:1; NIV). The Lord instructs us to open our Bibles and study what He has said. The Bible is the Word of God and will meet all our needs. Seek Him in His Word and you will find Him.

There is an inner sense of peace and contentment that follows when we align our behavior with God’s ways and values. What does God value most? The answer is, His children. Doesn’t it make sense that if we live in harmony with God’s ways there will be an inner sense of shalom (peace and well-being)?

What does Revelation 22:18, 19 caution against? In what way might this be a danger as you strive to hear from the Lord? ______________________________________________

How many times have you thought, if only I could accomplish this or that I would be so happy, only to realize the accomplishment left you empty or wanting? Achievements don’t build our self-esteem. They might make us feel fantastic for a moment, but self-confidence is built by acting the way the Lord designed us to behave. Of course, when an accomplishment is in line with the Lord’s purposes and will for you, there is most certainly cause to celebrate and be joyous.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Finally, if we are seeking to hear from the Lord regarding any given matter, we must put ourselves within listening range. This means open His Word, read it, write down what speaks to you or what you don’t understand. Listen to godly men and women on the radio, podcasts, and from your church. Meditate on His promises and His character, and fill your space with praise music. As Luke said, don’t give up; God will answer you in His perfect timing.

He made us to be His agents of love; we are His hands and feet and mouthpiece. Connect with others as often as you can, be the fragrant aroma of Christ and engage in positive caring dialogue with everyone with whom you come into contact during your day. Ask meaningful questions and then really

What do you think motivates the naysayers in your life? What steps have you taken, or do you need to take, to set boundaries with divisive people?

listen to the answers. Is there ever a time when we shouldn’t listen to others? Yes, of course! We should not listen to ungodly counsel, naysayers, divisive people, gossipers, slanderers, or scorners. What is a scorner? A scorner is someone who is not at all interested in the truth of God’s Word. They mock the Lord and His Word and scoff at its relevance. “Do not correct those who make fun of wisdom, or they will hate you. But correct the wise, and they will love you” (Proverbs 9:8; NCV). Scorners are arrogant and they do not have teachable spirits (a trademark of a humble person). The Lord has firm words to say to the prideful; “God is against the proud, but he is kind to the humble” (James 4:6b; ERV). We should not listen to those the Lord opposes.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ How have you handled opposition to following the Lord’s will in your life? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Have you noticed how some people seem to leave a path of collateral damage in their wake? A swath of chaos seems to be enacted in the lives through which they pass. If you’ve noticed this residue following behind someone you know, perhaps the Lord is showing you warning signs in order to protect you, restore your peace, and open your eyes to necessary boundaries. “Get rid of the proud who laugh at what is right, and trouble will leave with them. All arguments and insults will end” (Proverbs 22:10; ERV).

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ The good Lord promises blessings to us if choose carefully those to whom we listen. Psalm 1:1 makes this clear: “Great blessings belong to those who don’t listen to evil advice, who don’t live like sinners, and who don’t join those who make fun of God” (ERV). Have you noticed the increase of scorners in our world as our culture rejects the truth of God’s Word and replaces the wisdom of the Lord with the wisdom of man?

Nehemiah is a great example of a man who had boundaries with naysayers and scorners. Check out what he said: “So I sent messengers to them with this answer: ‘I am doing a great work, and I can’t come down. I don’t want the work to stop while I leave to meet you.’ Sanballat and Geshem sent the same message to me four times, and each time I sent back the same answer” (Nehemiah 6:3, 4; NCV). He would not meet with these men because they wanted to distract him from doing what the Lord called him to do. Negative people will distract you. Naysayers will assure you it is not the Lord’s will for you to continue in your God given purposes. Don’t listen to them and don’t let them distract you from serving the Kingdom of God! Listen to the Holy Spirit. I love how Nehemiah responded. He didn’t prepare a great defense for his work, he simply said “I won’t stop doing what I am doing to meet with you.”

Read 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. What “weapons” do you think this verse is talking about? What do those weapons have the power to do? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ “Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers. But they delight in the law of the LORD, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do” (Psalm 1:1-3; NLT).

I have a few naysayers in my life (I am guessing you do, too); of course, they say their motives are all in the name of the Lord. Interestingly, two of them have done everything in their power to keep me from teaching and writing Bible studies. I have met with both of them numerous times to hear them out, but the Lord opened my eyes with this passage from Nehemiah; their goal is to distract me from doing what I am supposed to be doing. Until there is notable change in their divisive behavior I will not be engaging with them.

May we all be like the trees planted along the riverbank, bearing good fruit during the bountiful seasons and the dry seasons of life!

video TEACHING WEEK 5

Question __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Question __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________

1. ________________________________ for my enemies. Jonah wanted his circumstances to change, but God wanted to change Jonah’s _________.

2. We ________________________________ our enemies instead of ignoring our enemies.

3. Look for ________________________________ ways to show mercy to our enemies. Why do we press on showing mercy to our enemies?

A.__________________________________________________________________________________

B.__________________________________________________________________________________

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely,and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. -Philippians 4:8 NLT

WEEK 6 - LIVE TO LOVE

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n his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman identified “social skills” as the fifth and last element of EI (emotional intelligence). He defines social skills as the willingness to help others develop, the ability to communicate effectively, the desire to be a team player, and the ability to build and maintain relationships. This conclusion aligns beautifully with God’s Word; God’s greatest desire for us is to be in healthy, intimate relationships with Him and others! As we grow in our willingness and ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, we demonstrate our emotional and spiritual maturity.

This side of heaven, we all struggle with sin that often manifests itself as selfishness; putting ourselves ahead of others is much more “natural” than loving others. The Lord prompted Paul to caution us that love is not selfseeking (1 Corinthians 13:5); the ESV states it this way: “love does not insist on its own way.” We are often confused about love. According to our culture, love is simply an emotional response to another; it is often confused with lust. The love our Lord calls us to have for one another goes far beyond emotion. The unconditional love to which we are called is a choice; it is a commitment to act in love whether or not we “feel” it. Unconditional love is not dependent on being “deserved”; it loves even the most difficult to love with no strings attached. Our Savior sets the example for us.

God knew maintaining healthy, happy relationships would be difficult for us and require our focus and intentionality. We are all messy and we need the help of the Holy Spirit to even have the desire to love one another. How do we know God lives in us? “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us” (1 John 4:12; NIV). After all, Jesus said they will know we are Christians (followers of Christ) by our love. If we are not loving others, we are not reflecting Christ in us.

Read Romans 5:6–8. What adjectives describe the love God gives? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

There are many religions in this world, but only Christians are identified by their love. Nothing else matters to our Savior—skin color does not matter; amount of income does not matter; beauty, social status, and intelligence do not matter. The only thing that matters is how well we love our Savior and others.

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It is impossible to love the way Jesus calls us to love without His help and a change of heart. I am sure you will agree we humans are not naturally unconditional lovers. Loving others can be extremely difficult at times.

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Love is an action word and may or may not include a warm, emotional response. It helps us to love others when we remember how much our Lord loves us. Imagine, no matter what sins we have committed or will commit, He still loves us. Our Lord’s grace is greater than any sin we ever committed, and His mercies are new every day. In other words, He will help us and love us through any struggle we may experience. He has already made the choice to love us, both now and forever more, regardless of how loveable we may appear.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (NIV). Our Abba Lord wants us to mature toward harmony; being a unifier is a mark of emotional maturity. We are living a life of love when we strive for harmony and unity within our relationships. Our loving Abba is gentle and patient with us and certainly bears with us in a manner of great love! We demonstrate our appreciation of His unfailing love by accepting others. We promote harmony when we choose to focus on the gold in others rather than the dirt. Romans 15:7 (NIV) encourages us to “accept each other just as Christ accepted you,” in order to bring praise to God.

Have you ever felt like you ought to love someone but had zero desire to do so? I’m sure we all have. We don’t want to be hypocrites or fake, but we can’t ignite love in our hearts for others when there is no flame. So what are we to do? We begin by thanking the Lord for loving us every single moment of the day (even when we are being unlovable) and for always forgiving us when we confess our sins. This helps us keep His love in perspective and makes our hearts more tender toward others. If we acknowledge that He loves us when we have ungodly thoughts or exhibit ugly behavior, it can help soften our hearts toward others and allow us to choose love.

We bring glory to our good Lord when we accept other people’s quirks, annoying habits, and shortcomings. Every person matters to God; they are after all made in His image. However, occasionally, harmony and unity can only be fostered if we are willing to confront. As Christians, we aren’t really loving others if we avoid issues that keep them or us from growing. Paul’s willingness to challenge the Corinthians is our example of how to confront others in love.

Read 1 John 4:7. Where does all love come from, according to this verse?

If you read 1 and 2 Corinthians, you see how Paul dealt with tough interpersonal issues. He starts and ends on a positive note. He begins the letters to the Corinthians giving thanks for them and ends his letters to them by praying for God’s grace, love, and fellowship of the Holy Spirit for them.

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When you are called to lovingly confront another it is important to stress three things: you deeply care about them, you will stand in the gap and pray for them, and you believe they can and will make the right choice.

______________________________________________ Read Romans 12:9–21. Ask God to speak to you through this passage about two things: what you’re doing well, and where you need to grow in love. Which of these loving actions are you engaging in faithfully? Which one do you need to ask God to help you to grow in?

Sadly, over the past 20 years, I have watched as many church leaders have refused to confront bad behavior; therefore, the behavior continues. Does this bring glory to God? No! Did Jesus confront the bad behavior He witnessed with the Pharisees? Yes! He did so because His desire was their repentance, salvation, and freedom! Confrontation places us at a crossroad and asks what will we do with what has been brought to our attention.

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What is the Holy Spirit saying to you regarding accepting others and possibly confronting another in love?

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Let’s unpack some practical ways our Lord instructs us concerning loving others.

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Love seeks harmony “Live in harmony with each other” (Romans 12:16; NLT).

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The apostle Paul emphasized harmony and unity throughout his Holy Spirit-inspired writings; most specifically, in the book of Ephesians. In Ephesians 4:1–3, Paul wrote to us: “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

y da two Let’s go to Scripture and unpack what the Lord says about empathy.

If we are growing spiritually and emotionally, we have to be willing to step out of our comfort zones and lovingly confront bad behavior. How do we do something so uncomfortable and bring glory to God?

Corinth: “I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection” (2 Corinthians 6:11; THE MESSAGE).

First, make sure you are not guilty of the same behavior you are confronting in another.

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Of the four points above, which one is the hardest for you and why?

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What guidelines do we find in Matthew 7:1-5 regarding confronting others? How might you put this in your own words?

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Second, before we attempt to confront in love, we must make sure we have dealt with our passionate emotions. If we are still wound up about the issue and can’t discuss it in a gentle, calm voice, we need to wait until we are in a better emotional state. We must not confront others to unload on them; godly confrontation is motivated by the desire to help. We must check our motives and be honest with ourselves in that regard.

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Third, always approach a sensitive situation with great care and gentleness. We demonstrate emotional maturity and care by using the word “and” instead of “but”. For example, we should not make a positive statement and then hit the person between his or her emotional eyes by saying, “but . . .” Rather, we should state how much we love and care for them and we are concerned about whatever issue we are addressing. Paul wrote in Galatians 6:1: “if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path” (NIV).

Name a time when someone confronted you with great care. How did this experience affect you? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Finally, speak the truth clearly, wrapped in tenderness; keep it simple and stick to the point. Don’t bring up old hurts or other issues; stay focused on the issue at hand. Paul did this when he confronted the church in

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It is important to remember to never confront another without covering your motives and words in prayer. Spend time making sure the Holy Spirit is prompting you to address an issue. If you are sure the Holy Spirit is prompting you to action and you ignore the Holy Spirit’s nudging, you are disobeying God. Perhaps the Lord wants to use you to prevent a relational wildfire. As Proverbs 16:27, 28 says: “Troublemakers create disasters. Their advice destroys like a wildfire. Troublemakers are always causing problems. Their gossip breaks up the closest of friends” (ERV).

offender. To repent means to feel true remorse for your behavior, determine to try your absolute best to never behave in such a way again, and then to turn away from the sin (which leads away from Christ) and head the other way (toward Him). God teaches us to confess our sins to Him when we offend Him by sinning (1 John 1:9). We must own our sin and repent; when we do, our merciful Abba always forgives us and invites us back into fellowship with Him—our relationship with Him is restored. We are blessed to be back in fellowship with our Lord where we can hear Him in our spirits speak to us through His Word, other followers of Christ, praise music, solid teachings, and prayer.

However, we must be aware, even when we obey and do everything in a God-honoring, glorifying manner, we may experience an unhealthy reaction. If the person we confront has a low EQ, they will most likely not receive our truth no matter how well our words are presented or how Holy Spirit-anointed they may be.

This is why we must be willing to forgive others; by forgiving others, we show our gratitude for God’s forgiveness and all the blessings that come with being in fellowship with Him. Paul reminds us; “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32; NIV). We must desire forgiving hearts because our Abba Father forgives us every time we truly repent.

Love forgives We must choose to be forgivers if we want to live a life of love. Have you noticed that, even as Christians, we sometimes view forgiveness as an option? Should we feel the other person deserves forgiveness, perhaps we will offer it. However, the Lord is clear; if we don’t forgive others, He will not forgive us. Jesus shared this when He taught us how to pray in Matthew 6:9–13.

God sets no limits on us; we must not set limits with others. Forgiveness means we forgive as many times as the offender repents. (See Matthew 18:21, 22.)

Before we unpack forgiveness, it is important to realize that we are responsible for all we say and do, even those snap reactions when we are tired, hungry, stressed, or feeling lonely, we must guard against doing things we will end up regretting. This is true for all of us; yet, all of us fail and react without thinking or considering the offense we may cause… or the pain we may cause another.

Forgiveness also means we keep no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5 makes it clear that love does not dwell on wrongs. Love does not allow a list of offenses to build against another. If there is a list of offenses in your mind connected to the thought of anyone, the relationship is damaged beyond repair. It is impossible to walk in love with a person when their past offenses are allowed to live on in your mind. This is not forgiveness. It is impossible to erase the memory from our minds; but we need not dwell in the past. When the memory of an offense comes up, simply refuse to entertain the thought. Paul makes it clear we are responsible for our own thoughts. In Philippians 4:8, he tells us to direct our thoughts toward those things that are holy, praiseworthy, pure, and of good report. Take control of your thoughts! Tell your brain you refuse to let the past take over the present. If you’ve already forgiven an offense, move forward, not backward. Only you can control the thoughts you entertain.

With this truth about ourselves in mind, we must grant others the same grace we hope for when our reactions overpower our Spirit-infused good sense. We must refuse to be offended. Our emotional and spiritual maturity is largely measured by how we treat people who treat us badly. Proverbs is a book of wisdom and it will bless our lives to remember these insightful words; “It is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11b; NIV). One of my pastors used to always encourage me to have a “tough hide and tender heart.” In other words, let the little offenses slide off your back.

Forgiveness also means to wipe the slate clean. On our own, you and I don’t have the kind of love and power required to simply erase the memory of another’s sins against us. However, with the Holy Spirit’s help, we can forgive others to this depth, just as our Lord wipes our sins away and cleans us as white as snow.

Our culture has confused the biblical concept of forgiveness; it is not simply saying you’re sorry and expecting life to move on as before. The goal of forgiveness is reconciliation, which can only occur when self-awareness leads to repentance on the part of the

y da three Let’s unpack what forgiveness is not.

orgiveness is not forgetting. We don’t keep a record to bring up against the person, but if the person is unhealthy and divisive, we need to remember to establish and keep good boundaries. If someone is fighting against the kingdom of God, we must be on guard. Paul realized this need for caution when he wrote to Timothy: “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message” (2 Timothy 4:14, 15; NIV).

eyes miss nothing. He is the perfect judge; we can trust He will handle the situation. What might hold you back from believing our protective Abba’s words: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:19; NIV)? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

How does it look to have good boundaries with a divisive or emotionally unsafe person?

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Forgiveness does not mean we immediately trust the offender and enter into a close relationship again. Forgiveness is given freely; however, trust is earned. The offender can claim sorrow, yet never change his or her behavior. True repentance demonstrates a change of heart that results in a change of behavior. Restoration occurs with true repentance. It takes one to forgive, but two to restore. When someone wounds another, a bridge is burned; it takes time and intentional effort to rebuild a bridge of intimacy and honesty.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Forgiveness is not a feeling. Like love and mercy, forgiveness is an action word. Warm and welcoming emotions may or may not be felt by the forgiver. Forgiveness is not dependent on anything the offender does or does not do to seek forgiveness. Forgiveness is dependent on our hearts of mercy; it is our choice to forgive. When we pray for those who have offended us (Matthew 5:44 tells us to pray for our enemies), our feelings will eventually align with our choice to forgive.

Is the Holy Spirit bringing to mind someone you need to forgive? How will you seek to restore the damaged relationship? ______________________________________________

If we won’t make the choice to forgive, we demonstrate our lack of gratitude and understanding for the forgiveness our Savior unconditionally extends to us. We also demonstrate a lack of intimacy with our Lord. He assures us He will take care of us. He assures us that His

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Read Romans 12:17–21. What insight does this give you in regard to the heart of forgiveness?

This passage speaks of a mature walk with Christ. As we mature, our emotional capacity for others grows, allowing us to wade right in to another’s troubles to be an encouragement to them. An encourager is an emotionally mature believer.

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When others encourage us, they make us feel valued and loved. They help us see hope. They make our burdens seem a little less heavy. They help us see and feel Jesus. Encouraging friends remind us that our merciful, loving Abba will work everything out for good.

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Love encourages

The first step to being an encourager is to fill our minds and hearts with God’s Word. Everyone has an opinion, but God’s Word has a divine way of drilling down to the truth and targeting specific special needs in others’ lives and in our own lives. Lasting, relevant, and significant encouragement is grounded in the truths found in God’s Word. When friends encourage me, what I remember most is the Bible verses they share, that give me hope and make me feel loved. As we grow in His instructions, we have an overflow of life-giving, joyful, and hope-filled truth to share with others.

We demonstrate love for others when we choose to be an encourager. My favorite definition of “encouragement” is to “speak courage into another.” Paul exhorts us in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 to “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (NIV). To encourage also means to inspire, to motivate, to support, to reassure, and to give hope and confidence. Learning to develop our encouragement muscle ignites a life of love! Why is encouragement so important?

Life is hard and we all feel the need for help along the way. We seek out that help in many ways. I used to love self-help books; but I found they mostly offered short-term, shallow advice and encouragement. When I started spending daily time in God’s Word, I received the solid, life-changing help for which I hungered! Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey; they are easy to accept and good for your health: (ERV). God’s Word is full of kind, healthy, and encouraging words of promise.

We walk by faith; one day, we will be in the physical presence of our Lord, but for today, we can’t sit with Jesus, have a cup of coffee, look into His eyes, and discuss our problems. Since we walk by faith, we need encouragement to motivate and inspire us to press on; we need to be assured of the confidence we have in Jesus. Jesus made it clear that life will bring trouble our way (John 16:33). When those times of trial come, we need encouragement to hold to hope and press on through it all.

Encouraging others can be such a simple addition to your life. You can encourage others by texting or emailing verses. (I have made little index cards of Bible verses for friends going through cancer, children graduating, families moving, and those facing other hurdles in life.) Let the Scriptures be your starting point for encouraging others. God has a way of saying things that penetrate hearts!

I just love how The Message translation words Romans 15:2–5: “Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, ‘How can I help?’ That’s exactly what Jesus did. He didn’t make it easy for himself by avoiding people’s troubles, but waded right in and helped out. ‘I took on the troubles of the troubled,’ is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it’s written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all” (THE MESSAGE).

Our previous chapter spoke of being tuned in to others—empathizing and really listening to them. This is a beautiful and practical way to encourage. Tuning in to others demonstrates an intentional effort to be aware of what they are experiencing and what they may need to get them through. Growing our emotional capacity means we are growing in our care, love, and mercy for others.

y da four Love is kind

nother way to demonstrate love is practicing simple kindness. Kindness shows concern; it cares for others in a gentle, tender, and warm manner. Kindness demonstrates genuine compassion for a fellow human being. Kindness is not found in words alone; kindness is found in action. The more intimate and deep our relationship with God grows, the kinder we become. It is impossible to be loving and be unkind.

deep and eternal. Isaiah 58:10, 11 says, “If you feed those who are hungry and take care of the needs of those who are troubled, then your light will shine in the darkness . . . The Lord will always lead you. He will satisfy your needs in dry lands . . . You will be like a garden that has much water, like a spring that never runs dry” (Isaiah 58:10, 11; NCV). What do we get when we are kind? Our light will shine in the darkness! We live in a dark world (if you don’t believe me, just watch the news). When we show godly kindness for no reason other than performing an act of love, it shines brightly! Even if the world does not pat you on the back, the Lord sees your act and is pleased.

1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is kind. Jesus is our example of that loving kindness. Though He only had three years as God in human form to do ministry on earth, He always made time for those in need. Jesus helped the sick, the destitute, the discarded, and the lonely. He fed the hungry and even turned death to life when He called Lazarus (John 11:1–44), Jairus’s daughter (Mathew 9:18–26), and the widow’s son (Luke 7:11–17) back to life. He gave us a practical example of kindness to follow—be kind to those who cross your path. The Lord will give us continual opportunities to show His kindness to the world if we are open to being used by Him. Kindness is listed in Galatians 5:22, 23 as one of the “fruit of the Spirit.” We often need the Holy Spirit’s help to even desire to be kind. However, the Lord has sent the Holy Spirit to us; He will enable us to do what we cannot do on our own. He is more than willing to grow our hearts of compassion and kindness for others; we just need to ask Him. He loves to answer prayers that are in line with His will for us.

If we respond to God’s ways and trust and obey Him, He promises to guide us and meet our needs when we take the time and effort to show kindness to others. And we know the Lord always keeps His promises. Kindness is an act of worshipful thanksgiving unto the Lord. How kind is God to us? He sacrificed His Son so we can live in freedom, both now and forever. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. He gives us new mercies every day and forgives every single sin from which we repent. He loves us unconditionally. Every second of the day, His gentle eye is on us to lovingly discipline us back on the right path when we take a wrong turn. He promises a purpose for our lives and has good plans for us. He is unbelievably kind!

Like anything in this life worth having, showing kindness comes with a cost. It will cost us our time, money, energy, attention, comfort or doing what we want to do. Luke 10:34b, 35 says, “Then [the Good Samaritan] put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here’” (NLT). We are never told that the Good Samaritan received anything for the effort, inconvenience, time, and money he spent on a total stranger. The passage doesn’t even tell us he received a thank you note!

When we are kind to others, we demonstrate an understanding that everything we have is from the hand of our generous Savior. Kindness shares with others. Emotionally mature believers are generous sharers because they understand how ever-so-generous our Lord is with us. Kindness encourages others and ourselves and leaves behind the fragrant aroma of joy. As Proverbs 12:2 says, “Worry takes away your joy, but a kind word makes you happy” (ERV). Think back over the last two days. Who did you give a kind word to? (If you can’t recall doing so, plan to give a kind word to someone today!)

Why should we be kind if we often get nothing in return? Because the treasures we receive in return are

Kindness grows our emotional capacity by increasing our confidence and self-respect. We reap what we sow is a principle found throughout the Bible. In other words, our choices have consequences; when we choose to put someone ahead of ourselves, encourage another, be still and listen to another (especially when we are rushed for time), and give our money to help another, we will reap godly benefits. Proverbs says it like this: “A kind and gentle woman gains respect, but violent men gain only wealth. People who are kind will be rewarded for their kindness, but cruel people will be rewarded with trouble” (Proverbs 11:16, 17; ERV).

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:9, 10; NLT). We can be such pretenders, can’t we? We hear of a need and say, “Oh, bless their hearts,” yet do absolutely nothing to help. The Lord is asking us to be doers; to show His heart of love to others. The heart of emotional intelligence is demonstrated by how well we love others. We live in a fallen, dysfunctional world, full of needy, hurting people. They may be hurting physically, financially, spiritually and/or emotionally. Are we tuned in? They need us. They need us to show them kindness and love. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. The Lord will gladly help you love others.

In what ways is being kind an act of worship? How does being kind to others impact your connection to God?

Love changes our hearts and it can dramatically change the trajectory of another’s life. Love heals terrible hurts; love encourages the depressed and discouraged; love intently listens; love offers a helping hand; love hugs; love energizes and invigorates; love calls to check in with someone in need; love makes a meal for the sick; love prays for others; love accepts the unlovable and unpopular, and love forgives. Love is a powerful force that can change the world. We have that force within us—He is called the Holy Spirit of the Lord God Almighty. He knows no other way except the way of love because He is love (1 John 4:8).

______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ How does demonstrating kindness reflect emotional maturity?

It is the birthright of every Christian to feel loved. Our Abba knit us together in our mothers’ wombs so He could be in relationship with us; He wants to love us and for us to love others. Do whatever it takes to deepen that relationship; it is the road to fulfillment, purpose, love, and emotional maturity.

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Be self-aware; stop sinful emotions before they control you. Memorize, read, and speak God’s truths in your mind; this will help you think godly thoughts in regard to your relationships. As Philippians 2:5 says, “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus” (NIV).

______________________________________________ “Do everything you possibly can for those who need help. If your neighbor needs something you have, don’t say, “Come back tomorrow.” Give it to him immediately” (Proverbs 3:27, 28; ERV). Solomon’s words speak of a life lived to love.

Seek the Lord’s will for your life, ask Him to help you set godly goals and determine to press on, regardless of hurdles and setbacks. Stay tuned in to others; don’t ignore a hurting heart to which you can bring encouragement or turn a blind eye toward a need that you can help fulfill. Our days are numbered; so love like there is no tomorrow, for tomorrow is promised to no one.

The NIV translation of the Bible mentions love 551 times; this speaks to how important it is to the Lord that we receive His love and give love to others. Just as we start life as babies, we begin our walk with the Lord as spiritual babies. We need godly nourishments daily in order to grow spiritually and emotionally and to grow in love. When we make knowing Him our top priority we can’t help but fall in love with Him and in turn love others more.

“The time is near when all things will end. So think clearly and control yourselves so you will be able to pray. Most importantly, love each other deeply, because love will cause people to forgive each other for many sins. Open your homes to each other, without complaining. Each of you has received a gift to use to serve others. Be good servants of God’s various gifts of grace. Anyone who speaks should speak words from God. Anyone who serves should serve with the strength God gives so that in everything God will be praised through Jesus Christ. Power and glory belong to him forever and ever. Amen” (1 Peter 4:7–11; NCV).

Ask the Lord what changes you need to make in your daily routine in order to spend time with Him, learning how to love others. You may wish to write reminders for yourself in the space below. ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

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What is EQ? EQ is short for “emotional quotient.” People with high EQ are emotionally intelligent and mature. They are wise people. The Bible has a lot to say about EQ, because it talks about wisdom. While you cannot grow your IQ (innate intelligence), you can grow your EQ, and the Bible urges us to do so by seeking wisdom. In this study, you’ll learn what EQ is, what specific character traits you can cultivate in or der to grow your EQ, and how it connects to your spiritual growth. Through video teaching and small group discussion, you’ll begin to understand and manage your powerful, God-given emotions. You will grow in wisdom. (need author bio)