DEATH! DESTRUCTION! DRUGS!
(the scary stuff) ivy
PREFACE
the future is scary and i am often overwhelmed and i hope you dont feel the same but if you do i hope you enjoy this thank you to all who treat me softly while i am deciding if toughening up and living in the 'real word' or whatever is worth it thanks especially to tan, tabs, and seb
Reviews of my previous works "sick!"- my brother "it's cool, i guess, but i don't really understand it"
"are you ever gonna start using capitilization in ur writing?"
"its beautiful to share your feelings with people, but you cant turn in your diary as an art piece"- my highschool art teacher "have you gone to a doctor about the hives yet??" - my childhood best friend
"was that poem about me? thats kind of pasive agressive dude" "its ironic that your showing ME your work about daddy issues" -a very self aware Seeking Arrangements user
why do i hate everything that i make?
i can not convince myself to remove the hands from my waist even though i am unsure if they are mine im unsure i want them there but we are dancing and thats where the hands go and everything would be alright if i could just calm down maybe i should stop getting so high before social situations i am surrounded by the people i love the most but i do not know whose hands are on me and i am sweating and i want to cry and i want to go home and i WANT WHOEVER IS FUCKING TOUCHING ME TO STOP oh i did not want to yell that out loud i'm sorry i swear i still want to dance im just feeling weird youve felt weird before you understand right? im just gonna sit for a second ill calm down i promise dont worry about me i dont wanna ruin the party its just i started thinking about that girl that makes me sad and then the wieght of the world came crashing down on me and i think i should go home but im too drunk to drive and its no big deal i know i do this everytime i am just anxious and its hard to turn that off im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry FUCK
???????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????do i even actually like being drunk anymore ??????????????? ???????????????????????????is it still fun????????
fuck it being sober sucked anyway
4/30/18 you were born with brown skin and dark hair and your mother screamed that this was no child of hers she took you home regardless and prayed that while you were still small she would gather the courage to throw you into the sea but you lived on your father was the sun or god or something important enough that he was forgiven for never learning your name as your learned to speak you more importantly learned to listen and your mother told you that you were a child of her lord and you would speak as such you were the second coming of christ or you were nothing your father was the sun and god and everything good in the world and he was ashamed of what you had become he released a scourge on your earth that dried up your seas and your mother screamed and regretted allowing you to live your tiny life it would cost her everything and your father would stop calling on christmas you would find broken glass in you stomach and nails in your feet and she would fall sick nearly every time she began to stand you would drown in dry air and feel scorched in your showers and someday someone would tell you were a child of the witches in the woods outside town a child of the devil born to your cursed mother and blessed father
you would escape to these woods to find a swamp with water unlike the beaches you missed so much and there is nothing you would like more than to have the courage to throw yourself into the water but the witches wont allow another one of their children to be lost they will take you in and tell you that you are no child of anyone’s and any home you’ve known is not yours and in all off this you are nothing and or once you will know that they are telling the truth 5/11/18 i hate sex i miss my girlfriend i miss holding hands with dirty fingernails and not worrying about them giving anyone a uti later when we go back to your place there is a conversation between my brain and hands and reproductive system that needs to be had but they are all to high to form sentences staring blankly at the tv on the living room couch bc someone put on a mildly disturbing video to freak them out and god is it working they’ll talk tomorrow
easter sunday
heaven has gaurds with open carry ak-47s that love america and hate fags
i dont think ill ever fuly understand religion however, if Christians are right and rapture is coming oh boy i hope it comes soon
can u imagine how many cops would be gone?
god bless man
not to get all commie rn, but anyone richer than me is evil
if you do not wilingly give what you do not need, those who do need it have the right to take it
and i mean shop lifting is cool right?
i dont value money until i have none left i only need a little i just wanna buy gifts for the people i love (and maybe some weed)
it is terrifying to think that it is possible that i will work one job for the rest of my life
some feelings about my job
sex lost a lot of it's appeal when i realized it is not a treatment for a fear of intimacy
i was probably around 16 when my mom explained that i cant save everyone. i had just informed her that i wanted to stop buying clothes from places that manufacture in sweatshops. i havent set foot in a h&m since, but i also havent experienced a single moment of peace. ignorance is bliss i guess. that fateful day my mom sat me down and said that i was going to drive myself insane. in a conversation that felt like it went on for 400 hours, she told me more about her mother than i had ever really even thought to ask. she died before i was born, but somehow (according to my mother) i am still just like her. in her early 20's she got involved with some hippies and channeled her neurotic energy into caring about everyone and everything. its arguable that she wouldn't have just become obsessive and depressed about something else if it hadnt been a love of all that breathes, its also arguable that her mental illness is what caused her untimely death, but my mother is convinced of both. she is convinced i will go down the same way if i dont grow some thicker skin, and often, while i am stress puking thinking about all the pain in the world, i am sure she is right. there is something about staring into a toilet bowl of full off your own acid yellow bile while completely sober that feels like staring into the face of your own death. whatever pushed that stomach acid out of you will come back to kill you eventually, it just didnt finish the job this time.
i hate being such a preachy person, but unfortunatley, my brain has been replaced by a thesis on human suffering, with additions being made with every new piece of information my senses take in. despite all this, i do consider myself a pretty functional and even happy human being. i have learned to do my best to live without causing harm, and am starting to be at peace with the fact that no matter how much i yell into the void that i am terrified for my fellow humans and i dont want anyone to hurt, the void is never going to yell back cest la vie man ALSO so i can feel like maybe ive even assisted in reducing suffering, here are some ways to tread more lightly on this earth - refuse plastic straws (why do u even need em? does a straw somehow make the drink taste better?) - seriously consider your relationship with fast fashion (does it make you feel good to purchase items you dont get much use out of? are the stores that you purchase clothing in using slave labour? do you even need a new top?) -give away what you dont need( this used to be a hard one for me. i was scared to give away things (including my extra money) becuase i didn't know if i would need them again, but ive realized that even if i do eventually need that thing again in the future, there is someone else who needs it NOW) - stop spending your money on companies that morals dont align with yours ( as gross as it is, money is pretty much the only value you have in the eyes of execs, if you stop spending it, theres a chance that something will change) - be kind (human interaction is a precious commidity, community is one of the only things that will save us. dont call the cops, just walk ur ass next door and join the party)
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