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× FEBRUARY 3RD 2014

CAPILANO NORTH VANCOUVER

ISSUE

COURIER

FREAKY FETISHES

ANNA L. BEEDES

FRENCH AFFAIR

LOVE THE WIFI

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CAPILANO Courier

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News

A+C

features

calendar

Columns

opinions

CABOOSE

Cuddle Hormone

Spicy Staff

Love In The Stars

Pucker Up

Girls Grown Wild

Love It Or Hate It

Eat Your Heart Out

Leah Scheitel Editor-in-Chief

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@capcourier

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The Staff

Katherine Gillard News Editor

of this loving and lovely university newspaper

Kristi Alexandra Copy Editor

Andy Rice Arts + Culture Editor

Cheryl Swan Art Director

Therese Guieb Features Editor

Andrew Palmquist Production Manager

Faye Alexander Opinions Editor

Jeremy Hanlon Caboose Editor

Scott Moraes Managing Editor

Carlo Javier Staff Writer

Ricky Bao Business Manager

Lindsay Howe Marketing + Web Editor

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS:

Gabriel Scorgie, Paisley Conrad, Michael Ros, Julia Gabriel, Alva Tee, Tomas Borsa, Amy Poulston, Brian Cameron, Erica Charron, Calvin deGroot, Anna L. Beedes, Steve Tornes, Taylor Williams, Edil Hundubey

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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@capilanocourier

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CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS:

Scarlett Aubrey, Tina Furesz, Kristen Wright, Kelsey Holden, Sydney Parent, Josh Seinen, Tierney Milne, Megan Collinson, Chris Dedinsky, Katie So, Crystal Lee, Vivian Liu, Alain Champagne , Ekaterina Aristova, Ksenia Kozhevnikova, Becky Joy, Cole Pauls, Arin Ringwald, Arnie Dominic Guieb, Stephen Cyr, Christina Kruger-Woodrow, Cole Pauls

The Capilano Courier is an autonomous, democratically run student newspaper. Literary and visual submissions are welcomed. All submissions are subject to editing for brevity, taste, and legality. The Capilano Courier will not publish material deemed by the collective to exhibit sexism, racism or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier Publishing Society.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

all about love Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief

" Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

- Bill Maher

Thus far, I have refrained from gushing about my love life in these editorials. I have mentioned it in passing – about being bad at relationships, and a stint sleeping with the wrong guys, but for the most part, I have spared you from the gritty details.

The reason behind this was twofold: firstly, I felt that I didn’t want to write about it unless there was something important to say, and for the most part, my fickle love life has remained pretty dormant over the past half-year. And secondly, I spent four months writing a dating column for the Courier last year, and thought that the majority of the readers would be tired of reading about my bad dates.

In my last column for Saturday Night Love, I wrote about how my dating life is interesting, and I still have to agree with that sentiment, even nine months later. Yes, it lays undeveloped for spurts, and I often complain about its lack of excitement. But for as long as I have been boning for, I’ve also had this “gift” for entertaining people with the details of those sexual experiences. And even when they have been so turbulent and destructive to my self-confidence, I’ve taken solace in the fact that I could make someone laugh about it. As my dear friend Trudy once told me, “You don’t have relationships, what you have are conquests.” My ability to make people smile at my romantic mistakes has made them easier to get over and thus easier to forget and laugh at. But that being said, this talent has also enabled me to never really deal with my errors or feelings, and thus I perpetuate the cycle, often just in the name of humour.

This habit of mine has recently caused more harm than good. It has been a liability in my dating life for a while, as guys often feared that their next date with me could end up as a headline in the Courier or on some blog somewhere. And to be honest and fair, I have always slightly fictionalized my tales to protect the people in them, and to highlight the more comical points of the story. But it weighed down my heart when a recent guy I knew dubbed me as the “female Hank Moody” and inquired if he has ever been written about (he has). And I’ll be the first to say that it was probably a mistake to admit it, and even more of a mistake to read him the exerpt he inspired while undeniably too drunk. My attempts to spark a casual conversation have gone unanswered after that un-pretty performance.

If being compared to a self-indulgent, alcoholic, womanizing writer wasn’t enough to awaken me, some close friends have also made their thoughts about my romantic life pretty clear. One friend compared it to a cocaine addiction, citing that we can both get help for our cravings at the same time, and another called me overly concerned on a Wednesday morning. She nearly begged me to drop two classes, allowing for

more time to actually deal with this issue, among others, such as healing my back problems after the bike accident. I did take her advice, and dropped one night class, but that doesn’t mean it makes dealing with the romantic issues any easier or more delightful to do.

And if this editorial isn’t already bursting with enough confessions, here’s another: I selfishly wrote the cover feature for this issue. I had my mind on it for a long time, as we have a tradition of doing a Valentine’s issue every year. And I wanted to write about the psychology of love and romance, for no other reason than to let me talk to a psychologist about how damaging experiences can alter romantic choices. And thankfully, our lovely Features Editor, Therese, let me run with the idea. It was educational to research, yet horrible to write. I take undeserved pride in the fact that I can easily compose a 2000-word feature as a recreational activity on a Sunday afternoon, but writing this one wasn’t that easy of a feat. There were tears, procrastination on phone calls, and a half-bottle of leftover wine that I used as a catalyst for words.

While I can’t speak for anyone else’s romantic experience or history, I can speak from my own. And what I can say is that it is fucking tough. It is hard to swim your way through understanding your own insecurities yet being compassionate towards others. And sometimes, as the feature article will point to, it may not be entirely worth it. Instead of spending time caring enough to look good, or saying the right thing, or attracting another random date, maybe it’s okay to use that time to read a book, or watch reruns of Seinfeld, or play Grand Theft Auto 5, for no other reason than that you want to. But, whether you are a fan of Valentine’s Day or not, it’s nearly impossible to admit that you don’t love something. From my jaded and cynical outlook, I can say with near full confidence that there is something out there to make everyone’s heart just a little bit squishy. Maybe the key is to find that one thing, and stick with it, and grow old with it. But by this philosophy, I will be growing old with two cats, a destroyed copy of Vanity Fair magazine, and a bottle of whiskey, and that’s just a sad thought. So maybe it isn’t just to stick to what you love, but rather to know that there are things that you do love. Maybe this will make it easier to swim through the shit, and armed with the knowledge that there are gems out there, we will be better equipped to find more out there.

Valentine’s Day is polarizing: either you think is great to celebrate love, or you’d rather pour battery acid in your eye than see another ad gushing about it. So you may either love or hate this issue. Dedicated to all things romantic and love, this extra-large Courier is bursting with romance. Let us woo you this Valentine's Day – it would mean so much to us.

tweets from their seats

THE VOICE BOX

with: Scott Moraes

“You guys published an editoral about sushi this week, so here's something for you. What the fuck is up with those oversized sushi rolls? I ordered one the other day and each piece was like a hockey puck, it made me gag. There should be a legal limit for sushi diameter.”

Thank you! Our art director Cheryl is a pretty talented illustrator herself and she's got lots of good contacts too. So we're lucky to have a lot of good illustrators work for us. If you ever wanna submit your portfolio for consideration, write Cheryl at artdirector@capilanocourier.com.

Huffington Post @HuffingtonPost Nothing gets my patriotism fired up like the prospect of gold in the luge -@BillMaher #SOTU Huffington Post @HuffingtonPost Boehner pounds that gavel like he's trying to get the bartender's attention at last call -@BillMaher #SOTU Sanna Welyk @sannawelyk Dear #CapU student, there's no point in wearing your headphones. The whole library knows you're listening to Beyoncé.

Leah Mae @MsElleMae R. Kelly-themed dinner parties prove to be a fabulous time. Highly recommended.

Jian Ghomeshi @jianghomeshi More news about the sordid actions of Ford and Bieber today. Remember Canada, we still have Leonard Cohen.

Keep the focus...LEONARD. COHEN.

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The Voicebox is back, ready to humbly respond to your questions, concerns, and comments about anything. To inquire, just send a text to 778 - 689 - 4642 to anonymously "express" and "voice" your "opinion" and "thoughts" on any "subject" or "issue". And, as long as it's not offensive, we will publish it here, right in the Voicebox. It's a win - win, or whine - whine - whatever way you look at it.

The Globe and Mail @globeandmail Breaking: Justin Bieber expected to turn himself in to Toronto Police

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The Globe and Mail @globeandmail "I'll throw you off this balcony… I'll break you in half," Congressman threatens reporter on camera

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“I heard a lot of people are desperate around Valentine's Day and that makes it easier to get hooked up. I don't exactly know how to approach someone though, without sounding desperate myself. I don't wanna come across like I'm trying to take advantage of fragile desperate girls, you know? I'm better than that. How can I be smooth and successful at this?”

“Just wanted to say, you guys have the most awesome cover art I've ever seen. I'm an amateur illustrator/graphic designer, and these covers are really inspiring. Maybe one day I'll be good enough to work for you guys!”

John Leong @johnleongII Thank you to the @CapilanoCourier for the feature in this week’s issue!

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Wow, you should run for city council. Your motions would be so much fun: “I move to approve a bylaw to regulate the size of sushi. Our children, the future of the nation, could be fatal victims of the oversized sushi.” I'm sorry I shouldn't make fun of you. My only advice would be for you to learn some Japanese menu vocab. I think “Futomaki” usually means “huge roll that barely fits in your mouth.” Worst case scenario, ask your server “This roll: Futomaki or no Futomaki?” and hopefully we can leave this out of our legal code.

I'm the wrong person to ask. I've never been a predator, but I am pretty smooth and successful, so I'll give this a try. I'd say... put on a bit of an act. Find a prey, but don't tell her the truth, like that you haven't been laid in 6 months. Act like you've been getting a lot of it, but that lately, you've been disappointed. Say that while locking eyes, and preferably without stammering. You'll know what to do from there. It will all work out. Also, no matter what happens, don't make her gag.

Like, no Futomaki if you go out for sushi. That's all I meant.

(Disclaimer: this could be terrible advice).

CapilanoBlues @CapilanoBlues We are very excited that the @CapilanoCourier has started a section in their student paper on our #Athletes.

Grab your copy now! #CapUnite

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NEWS

KATHERINE GILLARD NEWS EDITOR

NEWS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

a french affair ECONOMIC FAILURE OVERSHADOWED BY SCANDAL Faye Alexander × Opinions Editor French President Francois Hollande has come under media fire since celebrity magazine Closer published a report that he was having an affair with film actress and Socialist Party supporter Julie Gayet. While France could have been focusing its attention on a news conference where Hollande aimed to unveil the country’s economic plans, the president’s private life completely overshadowed his new policies aimed at resuscitating the Euro zone’s second largest economy in the face of high levels of unemployment.

Thousands of the French public took to social media to voice their opinion on the matter. “As long as we talk about his mistress, we don’t talk about unemployment or the crisis which drags on,” tweeted @KelseyNic. Hollande has struggled to gain popularity among his countrymen and is widely regarded as one of the least popular leaders of France in over a decade, just 18 months into his five-year presidency. His unloved reputation is due largely to unfulfilled promises to reverse the rise in France’s unemployment statistics. Currently, 3.3 million people are unemployed in the country. In an attempt to settle the crisis, Hollande introduced the Responsibility Pact in 2013, which consists of

cuts to social security contributions for companies that hire employees at the beginning of the year.

The result has been many trade unionists accusing Hollande and his Socialist government of selling out to business.

With France on the brink of another recession, Closer may have chosen to break the story at an opportune time of unrest. Hollande has been flatlining in opinions polls, not due to the affair but due largely to France’s current state of economic gloom – a classic example of “kick them when they’re down.” The magazine proved the “love affair” by publishing images of the Socialist leader and Gayet entering an apartment close to the Elysee Palace in France. French media has some of the strictest privacy laws for first-world countries, and has a longstanding tradition of ignoring the private lives of public figures. Hollande responded to the article in a public statement, explaining he “deeply deplores the attacks on respect for privacy, to which each citizen has a right.” Hollande has since threatened legal actions over the allegations.

Closer’s editor, Laurence Pieau defended the magazine when speaking with the U.K.’s the Telegraph, “Why have we decided to publish this story?

It is because many people already know about it today in Paris.” The publication has, of yet, not received requests to remove the magazine from retail shelves. “He can sue us on the ‘private life’ basis, according to Article nine of the French Civil Code, the most restrictive in the world. But I think – and I don’t think I’m wrong – that it would be a first for the president of France to sue a magazine for violation of his private life,” said Pieau. Closer is no stranger to scandal and pushing boundaries, either.

The magazine famously published topless photos of the duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, during her honeymoon with Prince William which sparked a huge reaction among British patriots.

The affair, which still trends on Twitter as #gayetgate, has thrown a wrench into Hollande’s plans to revive the lagging French economy. Instead of having to address his political agenda, damage control over his indiscretions have taken the front seat. Yet, France’s first lady Valerie Trierweiler, a French journalist, has not been met by an outpouring of sympathy during weeks of relentless media coverage. Many believe that the breaking of the affair could, if anything, bolster Hollande’s popularity including retired French diplomat Jean-

Phillippe Filiu, as well as media sources such as the Telegraph and Paris Match. “It’ll make him more popular because Julie Gayet is popular,” said Filiu.

Hollande split with Treirweiler on Jan. 25, which was followed by having over 130 images of Trierweiler eradicated from the official Elysee website, as well as other references to her. Trierweiler told Paris Match “it was like being hit by a high speed train” when the story was released, she soon afterwards checked herself into a hospital for an eight-day stay due to stress. Gayet has yet to speak publically since Closer published the story, but is believed to be continuing her relationship with Hollande.

The scandal has come at a calculated time for France, with many looking for headlines other than the state of economic depression. It’s a welcome distraction that has drawn global attention to Hollande, which could gain him popularity in the long run. While American and British politicians are accustomed to having their private lives dissected, the enormity of Closer’s article is a relatively new sensation for a French politician. And keep in mind, the French tradition of keeping an “official mistress” dates back to the Bourbon kings.

diggin' for love THE NASAL SPRAY TO SOMEONE'S HEART Alva Tee

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The definition of what it takes for a relationship to be everlasting may have been redefined by the invention of a nose-spray filled with oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle” hormone. Oxycotin is the hormone that allows people to feel happy, relaxed, and stress-free. Often released during physical interaction with a loved one, it’s the reason kisses, hugs, and almost any sort of affection can lift our moods up after a long day.

Being with a significant other when people are in love, or falling in love, is when the brain produces the highest levels of oxytocin. Though that is enough for some, others may want to experience more. It is now possible to buy a bottle of this love potion to deeper enhance feelings for about $50 at the recommendation of a doctor.

“We naturally crave the human touch,” says Russell Day, psychology professor at Simon Fraser University. “Having it come from someone we care for just makes it that much better. In regards to relationships, oxytocin cannot work alone. It should add and heighten what we already feel.”

This means that a spritz of oxytocin can’t fix a broken relationship but it can add a little extra feeling. Day adds that continuing to learn about, care for, and connect with each other will always be of great importance, no matter what.

“Though peaks of oxytocin are highest when we are with our loved ones, it is generally secreted in other actions of our daily lives as well…It is proven that a dose can help those with anxiety, schizophrenia, and autism. They actually need it,” Day says.

According to Day, many social disorders are

actually caused by the lack of oxytocin. Therefore, taking more of something we don’t need might not be the brightest idea.

“It is to my understanding that in past experiences, those who took oxytocin, but did not need it, ended up with an excess amount and they could not function properly,” says Day. “What this means is that after taking it, they became overly sensitive in social situations where they would have acted normal.”

“Pretend you’re having a birthday party and all of the sudden, the cake being presented to you is not what you wanted. Under normal circum-

stances, you would be able to brush this feeling off and put on a face and perhaps express your true feelings to those who bought the cake later on. Under an over-dosage of oxytocin, it is likely that you would lose it right then and there. That’s not a fun situation for anyone,” Day continues.

All in all, Day believes that although oxytocin can bring good, it is not necessary when it is not of dire need. “The idea of a little extra help can be intriguing, but it is best to have faith in what’s in front of you,” he comments. “Dedication and communication is key to a successful relationship.

That’s something that will never change.”

new with the csu Katherine Gillard × News Editor The CSU will be holding a Special General Meeting on Feb. 6 in the library lounge. At the meeting, the CSU will be proposing new bylaws that include new executive positions, more student and faculty representatives as well as representatives at the Squamish and Sechelt campuses. The Queer Collective will be holding an anti-oppression workshop on Feb. 4. The Social Activities committee and Queer Collective will be holding a meeting on Feb. 7 to talk about the Spring Fling – which may include a liquor license and formal attire – that they are planning to hold in mid-March.

Retraction from Issue 15 – The article “Federal Education” claimed that the CSU would be covering the cost for ESL cuts when they will not be. The CSU will be informing students of how the cut funds will affect the students.

× Josh Seinen

news

capu connected THE REAL REASON BEHIND SLOW CONNECTION Carlo Javier × Staff Writer Many of CapU’s students have been bothered by the collapse of the campus Wi-Fi late last semester.

The crash led to the complete removal of CapU’s secure Wi-Fi address, leaving only the guest account for everyone to use. Due to its nature, the guest account requires the user to accept terms of agreement every time a device connects to the school Wi-Fi – these circumstances can be a nuisance especially when the connection is disrupted.

The Information Technology Services attributed the Wi-Fi collapse late last semester to a wireless network security attack.

“What happened was, in our logs we had an alert that showed that we had undergone an attack where the wireless network was being attacked,” begins Francis van Roode, chief information officer of IT. “What we of course had to do is to immediately shut off the wireless because we didn’t have an effective means to prevent it at that time.”

“We ended up having to spend immediate time looking for a solution or a method of deflecting or preventing the attack,” van Roode adds.

IT Services were able to bring back a segregated guest network, this allowed people on campus to still use the Internet but it prevented logging in and gaining access to other types of systems.

“We’re still not in a position where we can offer that because in order to prevent this kind of security attack, we require an additional layer of security that we have put on our list of things that we would purchase and put into play,” says van Roode. “But up to this point, we weren’t funded to

an acceptable level for us to do that, this particular instance also indicates that we need to have this service, we are looking in this new budget year to reallocate our funding so that we can make this happen in this coming fiscal.”

Upon discovery of the attack, IT Services released a statement through CapU’s website saying that, “The nature of this attack is described as a 'spoofing' of our wireless networks which fools wireless devices such as laptops, tablets, smartphones etc. into connecting to a falsified wireless network. The attackers are then able to collect user-identities and passcodes.”

Late last semester, IT Services also released a statement regarding frequently asked questions, with the first one regarding the status of private information. At the time, IT Services stated that, “We cannot ascertain the level of access that the intruder may have used. Unless we can obtain the intruder's computer equipment, we are not able to detect their accesses using captured identities.”

Since late November, the majority of CapU’s community has been using the same guest Wi-Fi log-in, and only now have developments and projects regarding the school internet become known to the public.

On Jan. 24, IT Services announced the soon to be installed improvements to CapU’s Internet service. Comprised of three phases, the developments to the Internet service is being promoted for having a significant increase in speed.

Phase one was enacted on the same day of the announcement – this involved the upgrading of Employee Physical Networks, meaning all employee workstations in the campus received a boost in Internet speed. Phase two signaled the improvement

of Internet speed for computers in classrooms and labs. Finally, phase three is currently slated for a Feb. 7 installation, and it will involve the increasing of Internet speed for wireless devices.

“What we’re effectively doing right now is we are adding 200 megabytes of bandwidth to our Internet exposure, explains van Roode. Previously, CapU had just about 90 megabytes of bandwidth.

“We’ve doubled our Internet exposure for the wireless and the rest of the University.”

The announcement of the project to increase Internet speed is welcome news to CapU students.

At this point, the Internet has become one of the most essential tools in a student’s day.

Some of the proposed improvements have proven to be pricey, particularly on a year where CapU has infamously struggled with budget issues.

Natahsha Prakash, the senate representative of the CSU, as well as a member of the Senate Instructional Technologies Advisory Committee says that BCNet would cost CapU about $160,000 per year. While a Telus dedicated link will cost much less at $36,000 per year. Telus dedicated link will provide a 200 megabyte bandwidth that can be upgraded to 400 megabytes for $5600 per month.

Nonetheless, the slated improvements starting this month will have noticeable effects to the campus Internet.

“There will still be controls over the Internet access even though there’s more bandwidth, we have to prioritize the Internet traffic for the purpose of education,” says van Roode. “In the classroom, when a teacher is on a podium, they will be receiving a higher priority for their Internet access, if they have to show a YouTube video or whatever it is, they will receive a higher priority.”

One of the very popular complaints about CapU is the speed of the wireless Internet – to the point that it resulted in its very own Facebook page. However, the complaint about the speed of the wireless turns out to be a misconception.

“It was never the wireless itself that was poor, it was the connection to the Internet that was poor,” says van Roode.

Another misconception as to why the Internet connection was poor, van Roode reveals that the provincial government had actually mandated this.

“Unfortunately we were bound by the provincial government and they didn’t see fit to increase our bandwidth despite numerous demonstrations,” begins Van Roode. “The only time they agreed to allow us to do something was when we showed them the Facebook page, so it had a really good effect.”

“It wasn’t like we were saying no to [improving the Internet], we wanted it.”

Governments are often driven by austerity, and budget cuts are becoming more common. “The reason at that time was that they didn’t have the infrastructure, and they didn’t have the costs of making the infrastructure better,” says van Roode. “The government is always looking for ways to cut costs and education is not exactly the forefront of their funding thoughts, so education doesn’t get it all.”

In the end, the betterment of CapU’s Internet came from the hands of the Internet itself – through Facebook. Van Roode puts it succinctly.

“We really had to show the outcry from the students, we told them about all the e-mails, the calls, the negative survey results, I guess the Facebook page was the final straw,” he says.

smart is sexy MISLEADING ARTICLE CLAIMS CASUAL SEX CAUSES DEPRESSION Katherine Gillard × News Editor studied both men and women over a period of time.

This study supports what the Daily Mail had said about depression and casual sex being correlated –

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but it does not claim that one causes the other.

It also acknowledges that gender did not moderate the results – both men and women showed a positive correlation.

“So what that means is that women who have

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high amounts of casual sex are also more likely to have depression. So we have two correlated variables but it doesn’t mean that one is causing the other,” says Dr. Vanston.

Although the “Risky Business” article uses both men and women, it focuses on heterosexual couples, which excludes a large section of the population. Paying attention to the group studied is also important when reading a study – look out for ethnicity, sexual orientation and number of participants – a larger group will usually render better results than a smaller focused group.

What can be acknowledged from these studies is that they have found a positive correlation between depression and casual sex in university-aged women –without any consideration of testing for the third variable. As Dr. Vanston says, “smart is sexy” and learning to read studies about sex or any other subject carefully will make you a more informed reader, a better critical thinker and perhaps even a better lover.

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to be published, and that in general people like to read about sex stuff. Essentially, sex sells.

“It’s about selling newspapers and getting advertisers to spend money so stuff that’s more edgy, or more controversial or more entertaining is way [more] likely to make online media because it will get people talking about the article. You publish a study, for example, that says most marriages are happy – no one is going to read that. People are more interested in reading about [someone] running off with a 23 year old,” comments Dr. Vanston.

Another sign that an article based around a study could be misrepresented or skewed is when the study is difficult to find. Looking up an article mentioned in a study through the school database such as PsychINFO or even Google Scholar should turn up some evidence of the article. Usually the principal investigator of an article will be mentioned but in the Daily Mail’s study – there was no mention of a head researcher, just the name of the university and a spokeswoman.

“There’s no way to find the study, there’s no way to track that back to the research – that’s a huge red flag,” Dr. Vanston adds regarding the study used for the article.

A study called “Risky Business: Is There an Association between Casual Sex and Mental Health among Emerging Adults?” came up from the Journal of Sex Research from January 2014. This article

THE CAPILANO COURIER

The Daily Mail, one of the U.K.’s most popular newspapers, posted an article online titled “Women who sleep around at university are ‘more likely to be depressed’”. The article discusses a study from New York University, which found a correlation between women who had casual sex and women who were suffering from depression. However, the article that the Daily Mail uses to support its claims is difficult to find and claims that one must be causing the other – which isn’t necessarily true.

“What the researchers might have done, and we can’t tell because we don’t have the original study, is that there is a third variable that is influencing both sexual activity and rates of depression,” says Dr. Claire Vanston, psychology instructor at Capilano University and sex health educator.

“Maybe the women in this study were vulnerable in some way and this resulted in higher risk activity and higher rates of depression. I can’t even begin to hypothesize however, without the original study.”

She uses the example of the correlation between cars with flames painted on the side and cars that tend to go faster. It isn’t the flames that make the cars go fast – it is that people who put flames on the sides of their cars are more likely to own a fast car.

Similarly, there might be a third variable here also.

Dr. Vanston suggests that readers approach articles and studies about sex with caution – keeping in mind that something that is more edgy may be more likely

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arts + Culture

ANDY RICE ARTS + CULTURE EDITOR

ARTS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

cultural exhibitionism NATIVE EROTICA TAKES CENTRE STAGE AT BILL REID GALLERY Andy Rice × Arts + Culture Editor

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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Like many situations involving erotica, this next one also began at a party.

“We were looking at some pieces and kind of exchanged a look and knew that something like this had to happen,” says Haida artist Gwaai Edenshaw. Along with Kwiaahwah Jones, he is the cocurator of RezErect: Native Erotica, a provocative exhibit of sensual-themed Northwest Coast art currently on display at the Bill Reid Gallery in Vancouver.

Humble and soft-spoken, he credits Jones with the perseverance to bring that initial “look” to life.

“Kwiaahwah would be the champion of making it all come together,” he says. “She works full time in the Bill Reid Gallery and she had to convince the board that it was a good idea and finally I think it took her about three years to talk them into it.”

After all, sexuality is a risqué subject, but it’s one that First Nations artists seem to approach a bit differently. “The idea of erotica isn’t anything new to Northwest Coast art but I think that as it’s [commoditized] it sort of gets standardized,” says Edenshaw. “People become accustomed to seeing a lot of the same sort of figures and motifs and begin to get the impression that that is what is traditional, or all that is traditional.”

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The RezErect exhibit aims to break that stereotype using a variety of mediums – jewelry, pottery, different types of painting and graphics, photography, graffiti, and stone sculpture. Each of the 27 participating artists were also given the freedom and encouragement to interpret eroticism in their own way.

“We didn’t feel comfortable governing what people brought forward because erotica is such a subjective thing,” says Edenshaw. “There’s a couple of things we sort of hoped but we didn’t give any guidelines to our artists or anything like that. We basically just picked a group of our favourite artists and trusted that they would come forward with the quality that we’ve come to expect from them over the years, and in fact they did – they didn’t disappoint. But when you hear about erotica you’re not surprised if you see a very [commoditized] vision, you know, that sort of pin-up girl version of native art or something that would be to be expected. We didn’t really get anything like that in our representation. Everything was a mixture of class and humour and some pretty astute political thoughts as well, so we’re just really happy with our artists.”

So too must be the board members who took a leap of faith on the project. Since the display opened on Sept. 25, attendance at the gallery is up and the exhibit has garnered a largely positive response from viewers.

“I think that it’s a bit of a new audience coming into the gallery than the traditional audience,” he says.

“This particular subject may have opened up Northwest Coast art to a few different people,

maybe made them take a look.”

Edenshaw was admittedly surprised, however, by the public’s overall acceptance. “I did expect that there would be some questioning of where this fit in, whether there would be some criticism of the sexualization of native people or whatever but that hasn’t come.”

“One of the things that I felt right from the beginning of the show and has been a common response is that we as Native people, at least in the media and the popular culture, we have our sexuality dictated to us,” he continues.

“We see it reflected through non-indigenous media and we’re being told either that we’re the noble savage on the Harlequin romance cover, or more often it’s a story of some sort of dysfunction or some sort of sad story of native sexuality. You hear the stories of abuse through the residential schools or Trail of Tears and all that type of stuff.

I think a lot of people are happy that we’re able to take over the conversation and to tell our own story here.”

As a participating artist himself, Edenshaw is experiencing that opportunity first-hand. For many years he’s interpreted themes of erotica in his art and says he’s thankful to now have a place to display some of the pieces. “I think why Kwiaahwah came to me, is that I had a pretty good body of erotica just sort of sitting in a trunk. She knew I had those works and she thought I’d be suited to help her out and bring this show to life. And I think a lot of art-

ists do have that kind of trunk there.”

“Their goal [at the Bill Reid Gallery] is to promote Northwest Coast art and artists and exhibit some younger artists, and also give an opportunity for us to live just a little bit out of the more strictly commercial end of the art world,” he adds. “They have some freedom to explore into these sort of darker corners and brush the cobwebs off.”

S Hunt Hot Box white

RezErect: Native Erotica has been extended from its original Feb. 16 closure date to April 20. Erotic storytelling takes place at the gallery every Thursday, and artist Dionne Paul will also be offering nude drawing classes on Feb. 22.

For more information, visit Billreidgallery.ca.

P Singletary Geoduck

“...We as Native people, at least in the media and the popular culture, we have our sexuality dictated to us.... I think a lot of people are happy that we’re able to take over the conversation and to tell our own story here.”

arts + Culture

hot for teacher CAPU PROFESSORS RATE HIGH ON THE HEAT SCALE Kristi Alexandra × Copy Editor

I think of all the education that I've missed But then my homework was never quite like this!

Ow! Got it bad, Got it bad, Got it bad, I'm hot for teacher!

SPICE - O - METER While most students wouldn’t admit to taking a course just for their professor’s heat factor, no one would argue that it doesn’t hurt to have something nice to look at. Here’s what some very scholarly students had to say about a few more of CapU’s bonafide hotties, according to RateMyProfessors.com.

× Sydney Parent

Reg Johanson, English Heat Factor: Flaming chili pepper “I would go to class not even for the interest of the course, but for Reg himself. His voice is amazing to listen to, so sultry, I could listen to it for days. Not to mention he is very attractive. Take his class, no regrets here !!!”

Graham Cook, Social Science Heat Factor: Glowing chili pepper “Graham is sooo interesting and intelligent, his course material is great, his assignments are challenging, and he has the best hair I've ever seen on a prof.”

Robert Diag, Paralegal Heat Factor: One chili pepper “I loved him! Very cute and sweet guy. Sometimes the classes are a little dull with all the note taking, but overall he is a good teacher.”

Kim McLeod, Tourism Studies Heat Factor: One chili pepper “Kind of bland, but still gets the point across.

Plus, she's hot and nice to look at.”

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Jennifer Read, English Heat Factor: One chili pepper “I wish all my teachers were this good. Great combo of intelligence and compassion. Ask her about the time she killed a moose with just a stick, some chewing gum, and her bare hands. Sizzling!”

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use Ratemyprofessors.com regularly to determine whose teaching methods best suit his learning style.

“I would recommend it to students because there are so many professors, it kind of helps you get an idea of which learning style suits you,” he says. “Rate My Professors gives you an idea of different types of professors and their teaching styles.”

Currently, Antillon is taking a class with Angela Dezeil, another CapU English professor with a chili pepper index rating, but it wasn’t intentional. “Actually, what had happened was I originally went with another teacher, but there was a last minute change where she was actually brought in, so I never actually got a chance to read her reviews,” he says. Later on, he checked the site and “there were definitely comments made by some male classmates of mine,” he laughs.

Whether for their chili pepper index or to check comments, Lewis admits that professors are just as flawed as anyone else who has a social media profile and are wont to gauge their own praise or criticism. “Professors have the same gamut of personality defects and weaknesses as any other member of the human race does – we’re vain, we’re shallow, we like approval, we cringe at criticism,” he admits.

With the flaming tamale reviews that Lewis gets on Ratemyprofessors.com, one has to wonder how many Valentines have filled up his office in years past. “None that I can recall,” he says. “Christmas cards, but that’s about it.”

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So, you get what’s called a polarization effect because the measurement isn’t cold. It’s a thing that is interesting, but it should really be taken kind of sceptically,” he says.

Lewis’ assertion proves to be true in most cases, as comments on his particular Ratemyprofessors. com page range from, “Kent is the best prof I have ever had...keep it up, you're awesome :o)” to, “Kent's class was actually the worst English class I've ever participated in. Those who suck up are the ones who get good marks. He does not support opinions that don't match his and will dock you marks for it. DONT TAKE ANY OF HIS CLASSES.” Between these two comments are hardly any median remarks – but a post from 2002 reads, “oooo he’s a hot tamale!”

Lewis assures that he takes it all with a veritable grain of salt. “Well, have you ever seen a picture of me? If you had, you would heighten your scepticism of the rating system, I’m sure,” he says with a laugh.

The site’s reliability has critics on the other side of the fence as well. Alva Tang, a student in CapU’s Arts and Entertainment Management program, says she unwittingly ended up taking a class with another male teacher in the English department who happened to have a chili pepper rating on the website.

“Yes, I saw the chili pepper so of course I got curious and went onto the Cap site and then I looked up a picture beforehand and… I don’t know about that one,” she says. “Some of the girls are like, ‘Oh my God…’ but I guess it’s subjective and it depends on your type – but I disagree.”

Anthony Antillon, a second-year general studies student at CapU says that while he doesn’t take classes based on teachers’ chili pepper index ratings, he does

Mary Jo Bischoff, Music Heat Factor: Glowing chili pepper “She's a nice and spicy teacher to be with.”

THE CAPILANO COURIER

At Thai and Indian food restaurants, a chili pepper index rating on the menu indicates how hot a dish might be. Take, for example, North Vancouver’s Thai House Restaurant, where the Pad Bai Grapua boasts a rating of four peppers. It’s a guaranteed that’s one spicy dish. On the popular, student-run social website Ratemyprofessors.com — a page dedicated to reviewing and discussing professors, their classes, and their performance — the chili pepper index means an entirely different thing altogether.

In addition to being able to rate a professor on their helpfulness, clarity and easiness – which boils down into an overall quality score out of five – students can rate their teachers based on their “hotness” with a single plain chili pepper, a glowing chili pepper, or a flaming chili pepper.

Kent Lewis, a Capilano University English professor, has not only a chili pepper next to his name and overall class rating, but a flaming chili pepper that denotes a level of spiciness akin to the one that shut down the Sriracha factory last year.

His response to it all: “Off the top of my head, I would say my mother does great work,” Lewis says over the phone from his office at CapU’s North Vancouver campus.

Lewis, who scores well overall in each area, cautions students to apply a fair amount of scepticism when it comes to heeding advice from Ratemyprofessors.com – and not just because at least one of his former students has been, what David Lee Roth might call, “Hot for Teacher.”

“The problem with these things that leave it to people with their own personal initiative [is that] it tends to attract people of two kinds: either those who are ardent fans or those with an axe to grind.

Paul Avery, Psychology Heat Factor: One chili pepper “Extremely interesting, very fun, and come on guys he's not bad looking!”

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arts + Culture

Chelsea Hotel FROM THE MUSIC OF LEONARD COHEN Carlo Javier × Staff Writer Firehall Arts Centre’s hit show Chelsea Hotel: The Songs of Leonard Cohen is making its way back to Western Canada after a nationwide tour that included stops in Winnipeg and Saskatchewan.

The unique production is based on the work and music of Canadian icon Leonard Cohen and features a storyline heavily inspired by the troubadour’s lyrics.

Chelsea Hotel explores the messy love life of an unnamed writer. In order to cope with a broken heart, the writer checks into the Chelsea Hotel, the historic New York City landmark that once housed legends of the music and writing scene such as Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Patti Smith, and of course, Leonard Cohen. The latter even named a song after it.

Kayvon Kelly plays the writer, who in all accounts is the representation of Cohen himself.

“It’s a piece that’s all built and based around the work and music of Leonard Cohen,” Kelly begins.

“There’s no dialogue or anything said that isn’t from his work, which I think is a unique thing.”

Chelsea Hotel provides a concert-like atmosphere to its audience since the actors themselves serve as the band. “It’s a very live music experience, and we all play the instruments on stage. There’s a variety of instruments ranging from the cello, the violin, to the accordion, the guitar, the piano,” Kelly explains.

“There’s five us in the company that tell the story of a writer who’s been living in this hotel room for probably about a month or so… he’s really withdrawn, and has writer’s block. Then comes this one night he goes through the relationships of his past and finally overcomes the pain he has faced,” Kelly adds.

During the recent tour, Chelsea Hotel received acclaim from critics, as well as several award nominations. At the 30th annual Jessie Richardson Theatre Awards, the musical drama was nominated for Outstanding Production – Small Theatre, Significant Artistic Achievement – Small Theatre, and Outstanding Costume Design – Small Theatre.

The show has also been a smash hit with audiences in the areas it has visited. “We were in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and that’s the first stop that was outside of B.C. and we had a fantastic response there – they really loved it,” Kelly comments. “Winnipeg’s response has been really, really positive as well.”

He and the rest of the cast are currently wrapping up a run of shows in Manitoba before heading back to B.C. for a month-long engagement at several theatres around the Lower Mainland. A stop at CapU’s BlueShore Centre for the Performing Arts is scheduled for Monday, March 3.

The main attraction of the production is obvious – the use of Cohen’s repertoire is the primary engine in not only the music, but also in storytelling – fitting for a musician who has made a name for himself through his vividly-written songs and poems.

“It seems to me that the work of Leonard Cohen is so cross-country, and even across the world, and it’s a highly regarded material,” Kelly says.

Tributes and homages to legends in a certain industry are not uncommon, but it isn’t too often that an icon in the music industry is celebrated in the way that Chelsea Hotel does for Cohen. Having a play that’s entirely built off the music of one person is a rarity, and it’s a statement that Kelly believes is important to make.

“We need to be paying tribute to our Canadian artists a lot more, I think a lot of Canadians do not even understand how important Leonard Cohen is to us, and to the rest of the world,” he comments.

Born in Montreal, the 79-year-old Cohen now shares his time between Los Angeles and the province he grew up in. Born in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Kelly has been living and working in Vancouver for the past seven years.

“I left there as soon as I could and went to Dalhousie University in Halifax,” Kelly begins. “I always wanted to be in the arts, and I actually started

a couple bands in Saskatoon, and then in Victoria, and then by a series of events I found myself in the Canadian College of Performing Arts in Victoria.”

He also started his own theatre company in Vancouver called Sum Theatre, but it’s his work with the Firehall Arts Centre that’s been keeping him busy as of late.

Touring with the production has admittedly had its ups and downs for Kelly. “It’s fantastic, it’s a really great group of artists that are involved in the show, and it’s a great time. There’s a bit of hiccups now and then because it’s almost like touring a rock concert so the soundcheck and the spaces can be a little bit of a challenge,” he explains. “Otherwise, it’s a lot of fun.”

Chelsea Hotel is back in the Lower Mainland from Feb. 8 to March 15. Shows will be played at various theatres, such as the Kay Meek Centre, Surrey Arts Centre, the BlueShore Financial Centre for Performing Arts, and the Firehall Arts Centre. For more information, visit Firehallartscentre.ca.

get with the 'tines UNIQUE IDEAS START BY THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES Gabriel Scorgie × Writer

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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Dinner, flowers, chocolates and a gift. For some people, Valentine’s Day has become more of a routine than a celebration. Clichés and lack of imagination run wild each year on a day meant to show that special someone how much you care. And while that doesn’t mean you have to do something outlandish like turn your basement into a pillow castle, the idea shouldn’t be immediately dismissed. Sometimes, a small variation on a classic is all it takes to create a night your better half will never forget.

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× Kelsey Holden

RAW CANVAS

DINNER AND CRUISE

Part of what makes being in a relationship so special is the freedom you have to embarrass yourself in front of your significant other in the name of a good time. What could provide a better opportunity than painting while under the influence of a few glasses of wine? Yaletown restaurant Raw Canvas features a traditional dining room alongside a painting pit where patrons can don a smock and spend the rest of their night eating fancy cheese, drinking fine wine, and attempting to create an artistic expression of their love for each other. “Talk about unique experiences,” says the restaurant’s public relations rep, Alicja Gajewski. “Raw Canvas is the ultimate icebreaker….Your time there is a perfect blend of artistic expression, self-exploration, and social connection.” The restaurant even offers a medium canvas for the price of a small ($55) for couples to share on Valentine’s Day.

For old-school romantics not quite as keen to spend the 14th of February surrounded by artsy hipsters, charcuterie platters, and abstract art, there are several other options. The annual Valentine’s Day Dinner and Cruise held on the Pride of Vancouver ship offers a candle-lit dinner, a glass of champagne, and “the most beautiful views Vancouver has to offer,” according to Vancouver Charters manager Dallas Michaud. “It’s perfect for a romantic Valentine’s Day. There will also be romantic music played after dinner for those who like to dance.” Of course, high quality comes with a steeper price and tickets cost $64.95 per person, but this is your chance to dress up and recreate all of the romantic scenes from the Titanic like you’ve always wanted to. Just make sure that the security guards are preoccupied before you perch your Rose on the bow of the ship or do any nude sketching on a vacant chaise lounge.

Arts + Culture

vancougars WELCOME TO COUGAR COUNTRY Faye Alexander × Opinions Editor Single, older women have been dubbed “cougars” for a reason – they are felines who hunt for eligible younger men. Cougars are, without question, a fascinating and unusual breed of women because the stereotype would have you believe that they simply want what young men want: sex with no strings attached. And what young man could resist the strike of a cougar’s wanton claws? However, the anatomy of cougardom is far more complex, leaving much more to discover about the huntress and her prey.

Vancouver is home to the finest selection of cougars, and young men need not go far to seek them out. The Roxy hosted the Canadian Cougar Convention, ironically sponsored by Sugardaddyforme.com, this past July where cubs (younger men) and cougars were invited to dance, celebrate, and lastly crown Miss Cougar Canada. Keynote speaker Rich Gosse, author of eight books including The Cougar Imperative: Why MidLife Women Must Choose Younger Men, claims “Vancouver is the birthplace of the international cougar movement. Legend has it that women were first labeled as cougars by members of the Vancouver Canucks, referring to their middle-aged female fans.”

The blonde bombshell who took home the title of Miss Cougar Canada, along with a free trip on a Cougar Cruise to the Bahamas in December, was none other than 51-year-old Vancouver local, Sandy Brice. “Everyone calls me ‘cougy’, and I think being called a cougar is a lot better than being called an old lady.” In her 20s, Brice was mostly known as a ‘hardbody’ but after her 30th birthday, hardbody was quickly replaced with cougar, a title she adopted affectionately. “After age 35, I guess you’re supposed to be going out with older, more distinguished gentlemen, but cougars don’t. They still like what they started with,” says Brice.

adamant that men want to date women the same age or younger than themselves. The 21st century has broken that mould, boasting older women who look suspiciously like younger ones due to the youth-obsessed nature of North American culture. Furthermore, women are looking younger into their midlives now due largely to healthier lifestyles, according to Women’s Health magazine.

Still, the stigma remains. “Age discrimination is perhaps the most pervasive prejudice in our society,” explains Gosse. “Older women, in particular, are victimized by our youth-obsessed culture.

They’re regarded as ‘non-sexy’. The truth is there are millions of men who find older women attractive.” Although many – both men and women – are attracted to mature females, other negative connotations go along with being single and over 35. Societal expectations imply that being single and older also equates to more significant baggage. The chances of pending divorces, children, increased financial obligations and debts could mean that an eager cub might easily be scared off by the harsh truths of midlife realities.

× Cristian Fowlie

THE CLOCK of how to please a woman. A younger woman in her 20s probably doesn’t know herself or what she likes so she can’t communicate it,” which Pikul attributes to a much better, more fulfilling sexual experience overall.

wants to watch TV and hang out on the couch all day,” says Brice. This breed of older woman is looking for a good time with less emotional engagement.

It seems like a veritable jackpot for those commitment-phobic 20-something young men out there looking to refine their skills in the bedroom.

Whether at the Two Lions, the Roxy or the Rusty Gull, the cougars are out there – many travelling in packs to your local watering holes. Young men need only don a clean shirt and stand alone at the bar. She’ll come to you.

RELATIONSHIP SCRAPBOOK

Unless your first date was a disaster of such incredible proportions that all of your friends and family are shocked that your relationship even found its wings to begin with, odds are that the memories of that initial encounter still bring out warm and fuzzy feelings in both of you. Done well, the recreation of your first date can be a thoughtful expression of your love. “Get it down right to the smallest details like what you wore, where you sat if you went for dinner, et cetera, and they’ll love it,” says Cole Blight, a Langara student who did this a few years ago. And who knows, your replica date may turn out even better than the first. One thing is for sure – you won’t have to take it slow at the end of the night

Don’t limit yourself to one fancy bottle of wine this Valentine’s Day. Instead, try going to a wine tasting event and pick out the perfect bottle with your partner by your side. Many wine tastings are held a day in advance of Valentine’s Day, so check with your neighbourhood wine shop or head down to Everything Wine and get a slight buzz going.

Better yet, take the weekend off and drive up to the Okanagan region of B.C. to visit a few wineries in person. Many are open year-round and offer daily tours and tastings – a great opportunity to impress your lover with your extensive knowledge of “legs” and “mouth-feel.”

Why risk the chance of giving your sweetheart a box of toothpaste-tasting chocolates? Vancouver boasts a handful of local chocolatiers, and with a trip to Charlie’s Chocolate Factory in Burnaby, you can even pick up the supplies and ingredients you need to make your own. “It’s not hard if you have the time and right equipment,” says Christina Gaylie, an employee at Cinnamon’s Chocolates in North Vancouver. “All you need is the chocolate and a mold for the shape you want. Melt the chocolate into the mold and then let it cool in the fridge.” Be warned though, the process can get a bit messy, and comes with a constant temptation to eat your creations.

Capping the night off with a homemade gift is a great way to show how much time and thought you’ve put into a special day for the one you love.

Nothing does that better than a scrapbook full of your favourite memories together. Fill it with pictures, write down a few of your favourite memories or stories, and add a cute note at the end for good measure. It’s a two-pronged attack of tear-inducing romanticism – one that not only says that you’re willing to put time and effort in to create something personal, but that you also remember and cherish all of the good times you’ve had so far.

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MAKE HOMEMADE CHOCOLATES

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GO WINE TASTING

Older women have the self-confidence that comes with experience after more years in the dating arena. Cougars bring experience and confidence to the table and younger men have the stamina and attitude to satisfy those uninhibited desires but that doesn’t mean dating cougars doesn’t have its downsides. “Social awkwardness and different interests and friends, that makes it more difficult to share things. A cougar’s done a lot of things by her age. She has more specific wants and needs socially. You’re not going to get her to just hang out,” explains Pikul.

“Cougars are very energetic like live-wire wildcats. We can’t be going out with someone who just

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RECREATE YOUR FIRST DATE

THE PREY

THE CATCH

THE CAPILANO COURIER

Young men who fall for the allure of an older woman are an interesting phenomenon as well, since the attraction to cougars goes against human evolution in a sense. Evolution has primed men to be attracted to the most healthy, fertile women, with many evolutionary biologists being

Women are believed to reach their sexual peak at age 35, considering that a woman’s fertility begins to decrease three to five per cent a year after age 30 – it’s like an evolutionary signal to get busy and have a baby. A study by the Daily Mail showed that women with the highest sex drives are between the ages of 35 and 44, with 17 per cent rating their libido as 10 out of 10. A new surge of hormones driving women to be more aggressive to get between the sheets in their mid-30s is complemented by being more comfortable in their bodies and in their own desires. With age also comes wisdom, and plenty of the young cubs are seeking out just that.

“Women in their 20s are a) quite boring, b) quite unintelligent, c) only wanting to settle down into some kind of marriage situation, and d) really not bringing much to the table,” says Julien Pikul, an admitted cougar chaser. “Sexually, [cougars] know specifically what they want. That helps a younger cub who is not necessarily inexperienced but may lack direction and confidence in terms

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cap you

the cultural side of campus

best make -‐ out spots Andy Rice × Arts + Culture Editor Capilano University’s 34-acre campus probably isn’t the biggest one you’ve ever seen, but then again, it’s not always the size that matters – it’s how you use it. And when it comes to making out on the CapU grounds, there are a surprising amount of options available. In the name of investigative journalism, we at the Courier have researched and compiled a list of our favourites.

THE DUMPSTER Maple building, back alley

Risk Level: 10

Just kidding. If you make out here we’ll probably make fun of you, or critique you, or Frisbee our empty pizza boxes at you.

That window-laced office adjacent to the Maple building dumpster is where we have our Capilano Courier story meetings every Tuesday at noon. You should come write for us sometime. We have two very comfy couches that you can totally bust a slob on if you want – but only after the meeting.

THE TRUSTY WOODS Pretty much anywhere that isn’t a building or a parking lot

Risk level: 1

Ice hockey began as an outdoor sport, so why not kick off a game of tonsil hockey in the forest? Trees and shrubs are located all over campus, serving as a great canopy to canoodle under. Sightings of hungry animals are fairly infrequent and with all of the outdoor security kiosks now safely ensconced in black plastic, your secrets are probably safe. Next time you feel the urge for a quickie after English class, just go wild in the wilderness – even if your breath isn’t so fresh, at least the air around you will be.

THE PRACTICE ROOM Fir building, ground floor

Risk level: 2

You know what they say – practice makes perfect, and no better place to try out a few moves than in one of 20 rooms on the ground floor of the Fir building. Frequented by musicians and the occasional drummer, there’s a piano bench and an exterior window in every one, with a set of vertical blinds for optimal privacy. Doors are always left ajar and key-only access ensures that the only person who could potentially walk in on you would be a Jazz Studies major. And that’s majorly not an issue, because they’re chill and are probably more likely to inquire about weed than your messy hair.

THE LOOKOUT Library building, third floor

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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Risk level: 4

10

The Library building may not be the tallest one on campus, but it has arguably the best view. Ride the elevator or take the stairs all the way to the third floor and a surprise awaits – a 180-degree lookout over much of the university’s grounds. You’ll find courtyards, concrete, glass, and trees as far as the eye can see. Sure, only one of those things is even remotely romantic, but it’s still one heck of a place to get your mack on. And if computer nerds are your thing, there are several labs right down the hall for your enjoyment. After all, they don’t call it the Big Bang Theory for nothing.

× Andrew Palmquist

THE BACK ROW Birch building, BlueShore Financial Centre for the Performing Arts

Risk level: 5

Grab a date, climb the stairs, and head to the very back row of CapU’s 372-seat performing arts theatre. Believe it or not, there are comfy seats to be found in that big concrete behemoth we call the Birch building and the BlueShore Centre has most of them.

With dozens of events to choose from every month, there are plenty of shows that could serve as a suitable soundtrack for smooching. Sure, it’ll cost you $30 for a ticket, but the horrified look on the face of the elderly patron in front of you will be well worth it.

Plus, there’s no way that you’re going to be any louder and more disruptive making out than she will be trying to unwrap that cough candy of hers.

art shorts

KRISTI ALEXANDRA ART SHORTS EDITOR

COPY@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

Temples SUN STRUCTURES Michael Ros × Writer It’s guitar-driven, it’s psychedelic, and it’s eerily melodic – British four-piece Temples are pushing to be flagships of the current psych-revival with their debut LP Sun Structures. Stamping 12 original tracks with their own genius in the making, it’s the type of music The Beatles never got the chance to make. Sun Structures manifests itself solely on the strength of its memorability. Colour washed guitars, organs straight from Heaven – characteristics of an album self-produced and recorded in the frontman’s own basement. It doesn’t stop there, melodies that appear in songs like “Keep in the Dark” bloom and unravel, as if to tell you the song is a classic you’ve yet to experience – a chorus that somehow you’ve never heard before. There are

reference points, certain tracks could easily fit on Tame Impala’s 2010 benchmark Innerspeaker, and yes, frontman James Bagshaw does sound uncannily alike to Impala’s Kevin Parker (who himself resembles Lennon, as if to say staying relevant these days allows justification). Influences aside, Sun Structures is wholly a study in tranquility. Lyrics about sleep, time, and love cast light over the rolling sounds give immediacy and the realization that all these songs are very, very good. You’ll be hard pressed to find better choruses elsewhere, let alone better harmonies or better song writing. Get lost in its space, watch it like a kaleidoscope - Sun Structures is a million moods in one, so make what you want from it.

empowered VOLUME 1 Brittney MacDonald × Writer - the Other Press

the odd couple ARTS CLUB, JAN. 29 Paisley Conrad × Writer

morgan delt HIP Faye Alexander × Opinions Editor

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ing some of the psychedelic godfathers, like The Byrds, Delt blends throw backs to the late ’60s sound with modern feelings. “Mr. Carbon Copy” and “Little Zombies” are perfect for any road trip down the West Coast and seem designed for sunshine and some groovy kind of party. “Backwards Bird Inc.” on the other hand, is for when you want your trip to go sour fast. Delt incorporates an array of influence throughout the his first full-length album, with much of the material pushing to be assimilations of earlier work by other artists, but the production is imperfect – so it’s forgivable and there is something charming in the unclean finish.

Give it a listen, there are plenty of cinematic, woozy tunes to indulge yourself in – if you can handle psych-pop.

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Morgan Delt is one of the West Coast’s homegrown musical anomalies who first made waves with a self-titled cassette. The cassette tape minirevolution is on the rise, with blank tapes now possessing more of a nostalgic feel than hardcore EP seven-inch vinyls – this is the new direction Hip has taken. Jan. 28, Delt released a beautiful body of psychedelic pop featuring glimmery tracks layered in electric guitars that melt in their last strikes with understated bass. “Obstacle Eyes” swirls dreamily with Delt’s nonchalant crooning, blending in an out of the instrumentals, highlighted with rickety “nah-nah-nahs.” Playful percussion complements the rolling landscape of the album on tracks like “Beneath the Black and Purple”, transporting the listener to intergalactic bliss – a perfect track for your next trip to the stratosphere. Channel-

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out in his role as Vinnie, a mild-mannered man whose general cluelessness and repetitive dialogue was a high point of the show. Kate Dion-Richard shone as naive neighbour Cecily Pigeon, simultaneously risque and adorable. In an interesting directorial choice made by John Murphy, all scene changes were made by the supporting characters.

The stage lights were dimmed so that the figures were still visible, and 1950’s style lounge music played, as the supporting characters danced onstage, and whisked any unnecessary props away.

The light-hearted manner in which this was carried out encouraged a few chuckles from the audience.

During the second act of the play, a smoke alarm backstage began to ring. The actors looked visibly confused except for Gwendolyn Pigeon, sister of Cecily played by Sasa Brown, who was smoking a prop cigarette at the time. She shrugged and smirked at the audience, promising that “It’s not this, I swear!” After the actors evacuated the stage, and the smoke was cleared, they returned and got right back into the swing of things, hardly missing a beat. All in all, a rough opening night is an omen for a successful run, and the Odd Couple is sure to keep people laughing throughout the rest of its run.

character, a member of the “Super Homeys,” as she often finds her powers failing her, putting her at the mercy of all sorts of villains — including her later love interest, Thugboy. The novel also pokes fun at many aspects of superhero culture, such as “What is a spandex-clad heroine to do about panty lines?” and what life is like for the evil minions of all those madmen and geniuses. Artistically, Warren is very different. Empowered is not inked at all, setting it apart from traditional comic books.

The pages are well-laid out and all the shading is done by hand in greyscale. The character designs are diverse in that they incorporate many different body types, not just the perfect feminine or masculine ideal. Despite enjoying the later portion of the graphic novel, it does not make up for the earlier pages, which is why I can’t recommend this book.

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In 1967, the Odd Couple was put up on the Arts Club Theatre on Seymour Street. While that venue is now obsolete, the Arts Club itself is alive and flourishing, and the Odd Couple has returned almost 50 years later, still hilarious and still ridiculous. First written in 1965 by playwright heavyweight Neil Simon, the play deals with heavy topics such as depression, suicide and divorce by making light of it all through witty and sarcastic dialogue in similitude with tight physical comedy.

The play chronicles a pair of friends, who upon finding themselves divorced and surprisingly lonely, decide to become roommates. Oscar Madison, the slovenly and lovable half of the two, played

by Andrew McNee, portrayed this deeply flawed and slobby character in the most endearing way, with perfect comedic timing on his hilarious dialogue. His other half, Felix Unger, played by Robert Moloney, was the perfect complement to Andrew’s Oscar, controlling and compulsive. His character’s neurotic tendencies were played out through his flailing limbs and widely opened eyes, and inability to see sense or reason in anything.

The pair was accompanied by a quartet of poker buddies, all equipped with excellent timing and Manhattan accents. Cavan Cunningham stood

NEW WESTMINSTER (CUP) – Empowered employs a very manga-influenced aesthetic to tell the story of Emp, a female superhero who’s just a little less than super. The stylization in the art and unique approach to the common superhero narrative provide an interesting premise, but it comes too late as the episodic and mundane sexual humour of the earlier pages presents a near impossible barrier to overcome for female readers.

Created wholly by Adam Warren, the series began as several commissioned pieces. He later built on the character he developed, and slowly Empowered took form. This unusual conception is evident in the earlier pages, which seem disassociated from one another and rely on gutter humour to entertain the reader. If you move past all that, an actual plot does take form. Empowered follows its titular

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horoscopes

Written by Jeremy Hanlon

Artwork by Kristen Wright

year of the horse YOUR CHANCES FOR LOVE WITH THIS YEAR'S RULING STEED

Horse:

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Well this is a boring matchup. I realize this is “your year” and you’re going to make the most of it. I bet you’re also planning on going back to the gym any day to pick back up on your New Year’s resolutions you gave up on halfway through January, champ. I mean, not knocking you or anything. If you’re into vanilla pudding and milk toast, then all the more power to you. Just look out, right? There’s a reason “hung like a horse” is an expression, and with two of you, that can make for some pretty challenging accommodations. This doesn’t give you an excuse to be lazy, and expect the “rod of justice” to do all of the work for you. All I’m saying is you better have some lube and hope your foreplay is stellar.

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Rat

Rabbit

Rooster

Tiger

I don’t want to try and imagine what you’ve done to make this work, but I’m really hoping that you’re not the one on the receiving end of this bargain. That really would be an explosive climax.

When all is said and done, though, I guess you would be the most comfortable with experimentation, and all that experience doing mazes might even help you find and rescue the gerbil Eminem put in there way back in 2005. Also, be sure to check yourself for crabs. We don’t really want your potential mate looking like Rodney King and coughing up blood. Apart from that, the only pointer I can give is that you should never, ever give head. That whole teeth growing forever thing doesn’t really accommodate a positive oral experience for anyone.

On the subject of orgies, there are enough of you guys to have full-on sex armies, but like, diversity, right? I’m just going to say that the idea of a rabbit and a horse lovingly staring into each other’s eyes is simultaneously adorable and somewhat sickening. You pull the horse close and whisper, “Let’s go further,” and all of the sudden I’ve become exactly what I criticized one column above, writing animal lessons and hating my life.

For the advice, I can say that wagging your tail and dropping chocolates all over the place can’t hurt. I mean, that doesn’t kill horses, does it? Anyway, you could always try ear nibbling, or doing that thing that rabbits do. I actually don’t understand how you manage to have so many progeny, but it’s working, I guess.

I’m not going to bother trying to figure this one out. Either way, it doesn’t make sense how things could fit. I’m just going to assume this is some weird duck-rooster hybrid with a three-foot long appendage, because barring that, this can’t work.

So, advice… don’t get it caught in a threshing machine? I mean, realistically, there’s no reason that should happen anyway, but with an animal whose first instinct when you draw a line in front of it is to stay the fuck put and eat rocks like it’s James Woods and a piece of candy, you need to take every precaution possible. In all honesty, you’re probably okay with whatever you do. I mean, Jesus, I don’t know what the hell kind of tricks a rooster is supposed to pull with an animal 20 times its size. Maybe think of creative things to do with your wings, and don’t be afraid to be a “wing" man from time to time. Get it? Eh? Eh? The sheer burden of living with myself is suffocating.

I would say it’s refreshing to see you getting on with a horse instead of messily devouring it either dead or alive, but strangely, this isn’t really any more comforting to watch. I can only imagine how much fodder this will be providing to all the socially awkward amateur artists online who want to draw a bunch of furry porn to share on deviantART with all their brethren. Anyway, I suggest you try and banish that visual from your mind and see how rough you can get. There’s a reason you have big ass claws, yo.

Oh, and fun fact: some tigers eat up to 155 pounds of meat in a day, so you would probably be pretty popular at orgies. You didn’t hear it from me, though.

Valentine’s Horoscopes Aries

(March 21 - April 19)

You know what they say about men who are into goats...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Horny as a bull, impotent as a steer.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Go back to Alabama, you sickos.

Cancer (June21 - July 22) I’m so sorry.

Leo

(July 23 - August 22)

Acquaint yourself with a razor.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ox

Monkey

Pig

Apart from the two horses, this makes the most sense in a weird kind of way. I mean, you’re both huge beasts of labour with a penchant for hay, though I would argue that you’re probably the hornier of the pair (zing!). Except for that whole castration thing. That’s ironic. The plus side of that, though, is you’ll never have to worry about siring a goddamn llama like that fucking sheep, because, surprise surprise, you’re shooting blanks!

Listen, this is a pretty straightforward thing, so the only thing I can suggest is to maybe try and… explore it… more? Your horns already make for a pretty convincing dom appearance, and like, you could convert your stable into a sex dungeon, and equip it with all those things you need to really pull it together! Like, whips, and masks, and leather...

Oh, right. Sorry about that.

You have a distinct advantage over all the other animals since you have hands, and you’re not a dumbass like that goddamn rooster, though you do look just as dumb. I would tell you that this gives you a huge leg up, but it also turns out that you’ve also probably got the smallest cock out of all of them. It’s true that it’s not what you have but how you use it, but at the same time it’s hard to work with something the size of an over-sharpened pencil, especially after the other horse got through with ‘em. Lucky for you, you’ll probably be the best of the bunch at giving sad, lonely handjobs, and alone time will be considerably facilitated by your unique appendages as well. I suggest playing to your strengths and giving as many massages as you can before the crippling weight of all your crushed dreams causes you to finally collapse into a pile of self-loathing and inadequacy.

Probably the only animal here smarter than the dog. I know you’re intelligent and proud and tired of getting shit from everyone, so I’ve got some sound advice to help your image. Stop wallowing in your own filth. You’d think that would be easy for you to figure out and yet here you are, literally rolling in shit, playing WoW and hoping to get some action. I mean, you get orgasms that can last up to 30 minutes! That shit’s cray. To be fair, I probably wouldn’t be able to leave my soiled home/bed/kitchen/washroom if I was in the deep throes of an earth-shattering climax for half an hour at a time, but you need to learn to prioritize.

Clean yourself up, wash your sweaty clothes, and try to see if maybe that works. Chances are your socializing will improve if you actually start fucking doing it.

You’re dying alone.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) Let’s just say you’re not entirely, ahem, “up to scale.”

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The only thing worse than crabs is crabs with stingers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - Dec. 21) This is why bestiality is a bad idea.

Capricorn (December 22 - Jan.19) A sexy goat-fish. Probably should have left Fukushima.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) Maybe cut down on the golden showers?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) One fish, two fish, red fish, I blew a fish.

You were made for bondage. Own it.

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Snake

Well, this is entirely confusing. You are huge and deadly and terrifying, and I feel like the whole fire thing doesn’t exactly make for a stress-free evening, though I guess you’re great with candles and incense. Your scales must be awesome for taking punishment, so see how rough you can get, but don’t kill them. Claws and fire and huge teeth, once again. Ideally you can make it work without permanently crippling the horse, but that might be tricky considering you’re a giant fire lizard. Anyone who claims that seeing a dragon is good luck has clearly never seen The Hobbit, or Dragonheart, or Dragon Tales. Regardless, I imagine it would be hard to beat the thrill (and gut-wrenching terror) of sex whilst flying. Maybe try that some time. And if it’s not satisfying, you can always eat your disappointing bedmate.

VOLUME

Dragon

It’s nice to be talking to something that isn’t livestock. Anyway, as far as love advice goes, I suggest you continue doing that thing you do with your tongue. I hear they love that. Also worthy of note is the vocalizing. Sometimes it’s really good to bark like crazy, though the whimpering is kind of weird.

That said, you really need to cut out that whole ball-licking thing. That shit makes your breath fucking rank, especially after a productive day of eating your poop. Also, as much as it seemed awesome in ninth grade, dry-humping people’s legs at every opportunity is a surprising turn-off. I get that you’re randy, but you’re coming off a bit strong with the whole “red rocket” thing.

×

Dog

Well, this is a combination I would like to see. If genetics didn’t get in the way and you were actually able to reproduce, the child would end up being the dumbest looking animal in the world.

It would be some weird pony with an afro all over its body, like if Art Garfunkel and the Funny Farm decided to record a concept album together, and then asked Alf to do the mixing. I mean, man, it’s a good thing you’re sterile because that kid would get teased by his schoolmates almost as much as he would need to tease his own hair to justify going out in public. Anyway, my advice to you is to make friendly with Mary and see if you can get a good thing working for you. I hear she’s got some tricks up her sleeves, and her skirt, too.

By the way, turns out the offspring I described actually exists already. It’s called a llama. What a fucking dork.

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Sheep

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FEATURES

THERESE GUIEB FEATURES EDITOR

S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

× Cheryl Swan

The love or lack thereof in your life What our romantic experience dictates about our future

Leah Scheitel × Editor - in - Chief

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Arthur Wallace* hasn’t had sex since 2010 – by choice. His asexual behaviour isn’t out of spite, pity, or apathy. As the 30 year old explains, he’s made a conscious decision not to embark on sexual conquests until he understands his reasons for doing so.

“I called into question my motivation for pursuing women. And I decided that marriage is not a driving factor in my life, neither is reproducing, and things like sexual contact seemed like too much trouble to be worth the chaos that it causes. And I decided, at the time, I wasn’t going to re-join the dating scene until I could understand my reasons for doing so. It’s almost been three years. And it’s been almost four since I’ve had actual sex with anyone. There have been a few encounters with girls here and there that have been kind of weird, but no actual sex. In August, it will be four years.”

This action sparked after a particularly bad romantic experience, one that thwarted his travels and altered his life.

“I reconnected with a girl from my past when I was travelling,” says the Calgary-based writer. “I terminated my travelling on her account in the hopes of beginning a relationship. Within about a week and a half to two weeks of being back, she had changed her mind, decided that she didn’t want me, and didn’t really explain to my satisfaction why.”

It was two weeks before Wallace discovered the real reason – his newfound love, Jen, had found somebody new to cuddle, a friend of his that he introduced her to before he left for Asia.

LOVE FOOLOSOPHY As people age, they gather a multitude of experience ranging from traumatic to enlightening, all

of which impact future choices and lifestyles. Romantic experiences are no different and, depending on the level of impact, it can ultimately be life-altering.

“I think it’s true to say that the quality of experiences we have in our relationships with others either encourage us to move forward and continue with those relationships or they discourage us from doing just that,” says Dr. Gordon Reid, a Vancouver-based psychologist specializing in couples and individual counselling. “I don’t think our attitude toward love ever changes, meaning that if we can actually experience it, we never say ‘I don’t like it.’

But the problem is knowing what it takes to initiate and maintain a loving and caring relationship.

And that’s a very complex process.”

Part of what attracted Dr. Reid to study psychology is to better understand the complexity of romantic relationships. “Not only am I fascinated by what makes relationships work, and what makes for healthy relationships. I’m often quite fascinated by relationships that don’t work and what it means to have unhealthy relationships,” Dr. Reid explains.

“Why our experience of a relationship changes across time is because perhaps the romantic notion of falling in love – that sort of heart pounding ‘I can’t get you out of my mind, I can’t stop thinking about you, I just want to be with you all the time,’ – that notion is supported by what I would call an illusion about the other person,” he articulates, “meaning it happens that we don’t really know who the other person is, and we can fill them with our fantasies about who we hope they are or what we hope they are going to be like. And they do the same to us.”

From his own experience, Wallace agrees with

this sentiment, revealing that this is one of the reasons he’s still choosing to remain a bachelor.

“You always try to kind of wonder in your life who you think the perfect person is going to be, and that can be exciting, but it can also be damaging because you’re measuring every person you meet against this ideal that is predominantly fiction,” he explains.

Wallace cites this habit as the reason why he took the loss of the potential relationship so hard, and why his heart is still a little tender – even years after the fact.

“I don’t know what the perfect person would be and I try not to make that mental image anymore.

Basically the reason why it’s been so difficult getting over Jen is that we spent a few months apart in different countries, but collectively generating this collective idea of what our relationship would be like. And when I got back, I was denied the opportunity to have that come to realization. I’ve been forced to remake what I think my life was going to be, and that was not something I wanted to do.”

To be sure he doesn’t project any old ideals or fantasies onto a potential partner, Wallace is intent on making sure his past feelings and issues are dealt with on his own accord.

“When I first embarked on this, I called it a retirement when I first started – I wanted to prove, mostly to myself but also to others, that it is possible to be happy without being in a relationship.

You don’t have to have your happiness depend on being in a relationship or anybody else,” Wallace continues, “but I feel within the last few months I have been as happy as I have ever been. Quite elated most of the time, and I’m very pleased with myself, almost arrogantly so, actually.”

VISIONS OF LOVE Whatever the reason for the hiatus, it is something that holistic counsellor Melanie Yearow is in support of.

“To be honest, it takes a very evolved person to get to the place where they’re courageous enough to look at their stuff. I get so many calls from people who leave a message and say that they will call you back, and they don’t call back. They want to take the step but they are too afraid to come and see me because it’s like a Pandora’s box.”

In her work as a holistic counsellor, Yearow sees many people who want to change their romantic habits to better enable them to embark on a healthy relationship, but there is a difference between just talking about it and taking action.

“People have had so many bad experiences that they’re just like ‘Screw dating, I’m just not doing it,’ which is unfortunate. We all have stuff as we get older but it’s how your stuff has been dealt with.

And you can’t go into a healthy relationship unless you’ve dealt with your stuff.”

But unfortunately, there isn’t a Healthy Relationships 101 class in our educational system.

“Learning how to have healthy relationships is something that ordinarily we are not taught as children growing up,” says Dr. Reid. “Learning how to have loving and caring relationships with others is so critically important on so many different levels that it is a shame that it receives so little attention.”

Even though romantic love and relationships affect such a large aspect of our lives, we as a culture and society are never really taught how to properly engage in a healthy connection. For most people, it’s a trial and error experiment, and this can be

damaging for everyone involved.

“There are those people who try to talk about such things, who try to present it to individuals or groups who do YouTube presentations. The question, of course, is who is willing to listen? Who even wants to listen if we’ve never really understood that it’s important?” asks Dr. Reid. “It just seems as if it’s part of the evolutionary process for humans as we move along and as we come out of the very primitive stages of human development and move forward in our growth and it’s one of those things that will eventually come online as an important thing to do, and until then, things like competitiveness and achievement and material success are going to outweigh the value of human relationships. So it goes.”

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT

ON the Cover

VOLUME

Cheryl Swan There have been a couple few late nights we've spent together. We have held hands, we've touched toes, but what has touched us most is Cheryl's artwork. After graduating from CapU's IDEA Program,Cheryl came aboard as our Art Director.

How about you check out her website, Swancreative.ca.

It's a Cher"really" good time.

47 ISSUE N O . 16

With advances in technology, and the increasing popularity of online dating, it seems that traditional dating habits are being stood up.

“I think that we are all hungry to feel that experience – to feel like we matter, to feel like we are important to someone else. I feel what online dating avenues do is that it gives us an avenue to increase the number and probability that we are

Taylor has taken to ignoring people that send her sexual messages.

“There's the guys who, despite the fact that I have clearly stated that I am not looking for ‘casual encounters,’ persistently send overtly sexual messages until I block them,” she says. “If this makes me seem jaded or bitter, I'm not. I absolutely see the humour in the situation and don't have any expectations about how these things should turn out, but in general, online dating is like the proverbial one-trick pony. And it gets old.”

Through all the bad dates, online profile views and jarring experiences, Dr. Reid believes that we are all essentially looking for the same thing when it comes to romantic relationships.

“When we look at the other person, and we can see them looking back at us, we see how that person looking at us sees us – as though we really are valuable, that we really are special and impor-

difficult to understand.

“It is always easier to destroy someone’s confidence than it is to build up someone’s confidence, meaning that it is much harder for us to feel like we matter, and it is much easier for us to feel like we don’t.”

For more information on Dr. Reid or Melanie Yearow’s practices, visit their websites at Drgordonreid.com and MelanieYearow.ca. Follow Rachel Taylor’s Tumblr at Lets-not-date.Tumblr.com. *Name has been changed

×

THE SEA OF LOVE

“I don’t know what the perfect person would be and I try not to make that mental image anymore."

tant to them. It gives us something that is crucially important to us - that is a sense that we actually matter,” says Dr. Reid.

“I think when we have that experience from another person, that we matter to someone else, it gives us a sort of fundamental stability, a fundamental sense of belongingness, a fundamental sense of being in the world and that we matter, and I think that this is something we struggle for all the time, to feel like this is actually true.”

But along with this comes an insecurity that nearly all people, looking for love or not, can sympathize with, and maybe the root of why love is so

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According to Kim Niddery, dating changes so significantly as we age that it’s almost an entirely different process.

“In your 30s, it becomes an aspect of your life versus in your 20s, when it’s so much more of your life and your social life,” says the 31-year-old student. “I think as you get older, you get more focused on specific friends that are better friends, and you make job choices that are better and maybe school, you’re just more focused on you and what’s important to build the life you want. So, in general then, dating would fit into that in sense of a smaller portion because you’re just more specific to you. You’re more honed in on who you are.”

Although our values change and slightly alter with age, Niddery doesn’t believe that’s the reason romantic habits change. To her, it’s more because of increased awareness of oneself and the desire to put up with less from others.

“I think your values are always there. You always want someone to be honest with you, or communicate. But the tolerance for the grey around them changes,” she explains. “You’re kind of more – not rigid, but you see things for what they are. It just becomes more black and white as you get older. It’s like, you’re honest or you’re not. It becomes clear what the true definition of all of that is.”

Speaking from her own experience, Yearow agrees with Niddery’s analysis of clarity.

“I’ve lived long enough and had enough life experience, I know what I’m looking for. It’s very clear. It’s very clear because I’ve gone through the experiences where it didn’t work, and why it didn’t work, and still I settled because I thought it was what I wanted, but I hadn’t grown enough as a human being,” Yearow explains. “I have several clients in their 40s and 50s who are looking for love, and are trying to figure out why it’s so hard for them to find it, and I’ve realized that they don’t really know themselves.”

There are other factors in individual dating habits and because everyone is unique and has their own set of experiences, it becomes difficult to pinpoint a method that will work for everyone.

Yearow believes that the culture someone grew up in plays a large part in their romantic choices, voicing that if a woman’s mother and grandmother were both married with children by the age of 24, it increases the chances that she will make choices to follow in similar footsteps.

going to be able to have those experiences,” says Dr. Reid about online romance.

But increasing the number of profile views doesn’t necessarily increase the chances of budding romance. Rachel Taylor has an abundance of potential dates through online dating, so many that it inspired her to make a Tumblr blog about her experiences. Titled Let’s Not Date, the blog is a collection of conversations between her and some online suitors who attempt to make an impression.

“Honestly, my experience [at] online dating has not been good. I've only been on a handful of dates with guys online, because, frankly, I am quite particular and it gets exhausting sifting through hundreds of the ‘same shit, different pile’ messages.”

Through their experiences, both Niddery and Taylor say that dating online promotes laziness because sifting through a catalogue of potential dates is so easy to do.

“Most of these guys don't even read your profile anyway. This is made abundantly clear by the staggering number of messages I get from guys talking about the glories of camping or asking me if I want do the Grouse Grind with them. The first sentence of my profile reads: ‘If you're looking for someone a little crunchy granola who enjoys camping, team sports and can hike the Chief without breaking a sweat, I'm not your girl.’ So some of these guys aren't even making it past the first half of the first sentence.”

“It was exhausting because there is a sense [that] you need to make this first impression, you need to sell yourself in a way, not only online but the first few times you meet them,” explains Niddery. “It’s because you’re just as close to being another date or a discard, as the next pretty face can text him.”

Another negative aspect of online dating is the number of people who don’t take it seriously, and use it as a little black book for a Friday night booty call.

“A lot of people are on there just to fuck,” Niddery says. “And whether they admit it or not, it taints the experience because then you’re getting a lot of people who seem super genuine but they think you’re down to bone.”

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special feature who wants to be a millionaire NORWEGIAN OIL'S RELATIONSHIP TO CANADIAN CASH Calvin deGroot × Writer

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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47 ISSUE N O . 16

Earlier this month it was announced that every person in Norway is theoretically a millionaire.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund ballooned to $5 trillion, which is just over a million of the country’s population of 5 million. Aside from being one of the richest countries in the world, Norway routinely finishes first on the Human Development Index. The country also finished third on the Environmental Performance Index (EPI) despite being the third largest exporter of petroleum in the world. Norwegians also offer free university tuition and universal daycare and has been dubbed the world’s best governed nation according to the Democracy Index.

On the other hand, every Canadian is $16,000 in debt due to a national debt of $566 billion. The Canadian federal government was forced to cut 19,000 public sector jobs, is experiencing record high tuition rates, and finishes 37th on the EPI. Both Canada and Norway are affluent with precious natural resources including some of the largest oil reserves in the world. The inverse financial situations between the two countries results from their respective approaches to oil and gas extraction, production, and exportation.

Economist Sarah Dobson from Alberta-based Pembina Institute explains that it is difficult to make a comparison between Canada and Norway because natural resources in Norway are nationalized. In a report released by ForestEthics Advocacy, 70 per cent of oil sands in Canada are owned by foreign companies. Dobson also notes that under constitutional law, the royalties generated from resource development can only go towards the provinces. Regardless, Alberta has produced a $7.7 billion deficit and according to the Canadian Taxpayers Association, the province’s debt increases by $130 every second. Alberta even began to set up a trust fund similar to Norway’s, but in the end it has used oil royalties to pay for government services instead of its taxes. “When we inevitably hit a bust [in the oil industry], the Alberta government will force austerity measures by cutting millions to education, healthcare, and social programs,” says Dobson.

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On the other hand, every Canadian is $16,000 in debt

× Scarlett Aubrey

IN THE BEGINNING

EAST VERSUS WEST

CANADA’S FUTURE OIL STRATEGY

Alberta began developing their oil economy a few decades after Norway, but it is still in the beginnings of production. This is where the two oil-rich economies already begin to drastically divide.

In the early ‘60s, oil companies began approaching the Norwegian government to begin an offshore oil exploration program. “Norway was in no rush to develop their oil resources, and determined that it would only be on their own terms with a clear benefit to Norwegians,” said investigative journalist Mitch Anderson, who spent weeks in Norway to find out what happened to the large amount of offshore oil that Norway discovered. Before any oil could be extracted, the federal government established a “10 Commandments for Oil Development” that minimized the country’s reliance on oil imports, enforced environmental protection, established a state-owned oil company, and set up a sovereign wealth fund for future generations to provide stimulus spending for a boomand-bust industry like oil. What Norway did next was bold and unprecedented.

In 1974, the Middle East oil embargo sent shockwaves all over the world as the price of oil skyrocketed. The Norwegian government knew that as a result of the embargo oil, companies were making record profits as the price of oil increased.

Unwilling to let oil companies make a fortune off Norwegian resources, the government raised royalty rates from 50 to 90 per cent, the highest in the world. Oil companies, including Exxon and Shell, were outraged and threatened to launch a public relations campaign against the government.

However, the Norwegian government stood their ground and knowingly bluffed the oil companies.

It was during the 1980s when the potential of the Alberta oil sands started to be recognized. As a response to the 1970s International Energy Crisis, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau set up the National Energy Program (NEP). This program established 50 per cent Canadian ownership in oil and gas production, higher royalty rates for the federal government, and lower royalty rates for Alberta.

Western Canadians were outraged as they saw that the NEP was an intrusion of provincial affairs and the constitution – a popular bumper sticker during the early 80s in Alberta read, “Let the Eastern bastards freeze in the dark.” By 1984, oil prices began to fall and Brian Mulroney and the Progressive Conservatives were elected. Mulroney campaigned on shutting down the NEP and phased it out in the first few years of his tenure.

With the federal government out of the way, Alberta was free to pursue a strategy for oil production to let private companies and the market work itself out. Energy ministers, oil executives, and politicians understood that Alberta needed to attract investment into the oil sands, and to be able to achieve this through low corporate tax and royalty rates. It resulted in the creation of the National Oil Sands Taskforce in 1995. The taskforce planned to triple oil sands production over the next 25 years, but it took only eight years. Rapid oil sand development was underway.

Norway slowed production, waited to establish a state-owned oil company and bluffed their way into charging the highest royalty rates in the world. While Canada rejected state control, lowered royalty and corporate tax rates, and increased production to levels that most energy analysts would not have imagined.

As soon as oil extraction began, the debate on how Canada should manage oil has been contentious.

“At the end of the day we need to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels,” says Ben West, oil sands campaigner of Vancouver’s ForestEthics Advocacy.

“What we are seeing is a dramatic increase in production combined with lower royalty rates and lower environmental standards. It is a mockery of responsible resource development.”

Canada reached the goal of exporting 1.2 million barrels of oil per day by 2020, a remarkable 17 years ahead of schedule. The new goal today is to reach 3.5 million barrels per day by the year 2020, becoming what Prime Minister Stephen Harper calls an “energy superpower.” West and Dobson argue that, “We are going to be dependent on the oil patch for a while…but at the end of the day we can do better.” West points out that current proposed crude oil pipelines including Enbridge, Kinder Morgan, and Keystone XL are not only exporting crude oil, but the highest skilled jobs in oil production is in refining and upgrading. Dobson also calls for higher royalty rates, end to tax breaks and subsidies, and a heritage fund supporting future generations.

A strategy around the bountiful energy resources would take time, cooperation and planning. It might even mean delaying major pipeline projects but could result in a smooth transition off of Canada’s reliance on fossil fuels, or an entire next generation of Canadian millionaires – perhaps even both.

Calendar

@capilanocourier

Then & Now VPL: Alice McKay Room 5:30 pm to 7:30 pm $ - free

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Firehall Arts Centre 8 pm $28

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JJ Lee and Karen Dodd

String Fling II

First Nations & Inuit Prints

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North Vancouver City Library 7 pm $ - free

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The Rio Theatre 7 pm $20

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Burnaby Art Gallery 10 am to 4:30 pm $5

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Patrick Street Productions presents Rodgers and Hammerstein: Out of a Dream, a musical revue that features music from favourites like Carousel, The Sound of Music, South Pacific, The King & I, and Oklahoma!

Lee reads from memoirs ELLE First: You Are Beautiful and The Measure of a Man: The Story of a Father, a Son, and a Suit, while Dodd reads from new novel Deadly Switch: A Stone Suspense.

Registration required.

Hip City Music presents a modern symphony of string in String Fling II, featuring Brandon Scott of Yukon Blonde, Fur Trade (Steve Bays and Parker Bossley of Hot Hot Heat), Jay Malinowski of Bedouin Soundclash, Laura Smith of Rococode, Ryan Guldemond of Mother Mother, and Tonye Aganaba.

The Burnaby Art Gallery has recently received the promised gift of a significant collection of First Nations and Inuit prints, all of which were created during the 1970s to early 1980s period, with many included in the Northwest Coast Indian Artist Guild series of 1977 and 1978.

Debra DiGiovanni

Fiction Factions!

Giants vs. Oil Kings

The Massacre

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The Rio Theatre 7:30 pm $15

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Pacific Coliseum 7 pm $19.25-24.75

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Vancouver TheatreSports League 8 pm $10

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I personally can’t stand the grating voice of Debra DiGiovanni, especially during her “Video on Trial” days, but the Canadian standup comedian, featured panellist on the Match Game, and frequent guest on CBC's radio program The Debaters comes to the Vogue tonight. Come hear her tell some obnoxious jokes.

A multimedia comedy show presents Fiction Factions, a comedy show. Join as they celebrate the time-hopping of HG Wells, the madness of HP Lovecraft, and the darkness of Edgar Allan Poe in the only suitable way to celebrate any literary art – with a few hearty laughs.

The Vancouver Giants take on the Edmonton Oil Kings in Western Hockey League action. Spill beer, get in a fist fight, and swear at the guy rooting for the other team. Isn’t Vancouver due for a riot pretty soon?

Witness history as Vancouver TheatreSports League's signature tournament and festival pits exceptional improv groups from around the world against each other in a battle for and inspired by your love as things heat up and the week of Valentine's itself approaches.

Demi Lovato

Sunday Blues Revue

Mead Monday

Imagine Dragons

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The Columbia (New Westminster) 5 pm to 9 pm $ - free

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Storm Crow Tavern All day $4 per glass

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Rogers Arena 7 pm $55.50

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American actor and pop-rock singer-songwriter performs on her Neon Lights Tour, with guests Little Mix and Fifth Harmony. Known for her BFF status with Justin Bieber’s ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez and former rivalry with America’s bad girl, Miley Cyrus, Lovato performs just days before Cyrus takes the Vancouver stage.

Enjoy the New Orleans style venue, newly-renovated, for some blues by some of the finest musicians in this vintage show lounge every Sunday night for Sunday Blues Revue—which is odd, considering this old playhouse is primarily used for stand-up comedy and overpriced drinks.

Fantasy and time-piece afficianados rejoice as Storm Crow Tavern has done it again. The Commercial Drive geek bar is serving up its finest mead – an archaic honey-based beer-like beverage most likely served up at Guinevere and Lancelot’s wedding feast – for just $4 per goblet

American alt-rock band performs on its Into the Night Tour, with guests the Naked and Famous.

Just in case you hadn’t had enough of hearing them on the radio, and in TV shows, and playing ambiently basically anywhere. I mean, to go to this show, you’d really have to have a high tolerance for torture.

Music from the New Wilderness

Giving Good Head

Trivia Night

Drummer Girl

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The Art of Loving 7:30 pm $35

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Storm Crow 8 pm to 10 pm $10

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Firehall Arts Centre 8 pm $20

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Using music, sound, and voice, Music from the New Wilderness explores the geopolitical and environmental-from economic transformation, to the early histories and contemporary realities of indigenous peoples.

Another pre-V-Day learning ritual: an evening covering erotic techniques and products that will enable you and your partner to enjoy a heightened level of excitement and pleasure. Probably better than going down on a banana like you used to do as a pre-teen.

Enjoy the comical trivia stylings of the Vancouver Quizmasters at the Storm Crow Tavern! Bring a team of no more than five players and a $10 registration fee per table. Like that Mathlete showdown, the real prize is the satisfaction of knowing you’re the smartest of all the pock-marked Peters in the room.

Vancouver musician Lauri Lyster brings together some of the city's finest musicians in this eclectic cabaret chronicling her adventures as a professional musician over the last 30 years. From the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra to dirty blues in pubs, this play draws you into the inside world of the music industry.

Zakk Wylde

Theme Night!

Cosmic Love Connections

Miley Cyrus

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The Wallflower 10 pm $ - free

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H.R. MacMillan Space Centre 7:30 pm and 9 pm $13

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Rogers Arena 7:30 pm $89.50/49.50

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In the theme of, ahem, the Wallflower’s previous theme nights, play dress up alongside the bar’s patrons and servers. Prizes go out to best costumes, and drink specials are plenty. Check the Wallflower website for an update on this month’s theme.

Georgia Straight astrologer Rose Marcus leads a light-hearted and romantic look at the night sky.

A perfect elimination-style date to determine whether you and your valentine are cosmically inclines. Sagittarius and Leo mix up? Rose will tell you whether it’ll work out.

American actor and pop singer ("Wrecking Ball", "Party in the U.S.A.") tours in support of latest release Bangerz, with guests Icona Pop and Sky Ferreira. Expect a bit of twerking, but no cameo from Robin Thicke (we hope).

Comic Jam!

Cartoon Brunch

Kitty Nights Burlesque

GIRLS

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American metal guitarist, leader of Black Label Society, performs an acoustic show. Most likely the inspiration for Jack Black’s Tenacious D alterego. We can’t help but wonder if Mr. Black might come onstage for a riffin’ duet.

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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Rodgers and Hammerstein

Commodore Ballroom 9 pm $35 F

Queen Elizabeth Theatre 7 pm $35

NeverYouMind Productions presents Canadian playwright Janet Feindel's play that's inspired by a celebrated 1985 Ontario court case in which a judge minimized a crime against a stripper, pointing out that the victim was from a particular class of women whose profession it is to promote lust.

The Cultch 7 pm $25 M

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Broadway Across Canada presents director David Saint's version of the 1961 film about two young people from rival New York City gangs who fall in love. Choreography by Jerome Robbins. Music by Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim.

Rogers Arena 7:30 pm $79.50 Su

The Art of Loving 7:30 pm $40

A Particular Class of Women

In case you’re a female riding solo this V-day, or have a female partner to impress on Feb. 14, here’s a class you could probably learn something from.

Learn how to have a G-Spot orgasm and ejaculation through massage by yourself or from your partner using toys and hands.

Vogue Theatre 7 pm $35.50 S

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West Side Story

Capilanocourier.com

Celebrate Black History Month with community members, leaders, and artists through performances and interactive displays showcasing the main accomplishments of past and present black Canadians. Unfortunately, this won’t be Drake night, although it probably should be.

York Theatre 7 pm $19 Th

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@capcourier

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Be welcomed into the wonderful world of improv comic drawing. What the heck is that, you may ask? One person draws a comic panel then hands it to the next person to add their own panel and then that person hands it to the next....so on and so on. The end result is hilarity, shock and amazement. Really, it's everything.

Storm Crow Tavern 11 am to 2 pm $ - cost of reclaiming your youth

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This is the adult version of Saturday morning cartoons. You don’t even need to shower or change out of your Spiderman jammies to drool out a mouthful of Kellog’s Froot Loops and watch, enraptured by She-Ra and He-Man. The best part? You can do it all nursing Friday night’s hangover with a bacon Caesar.

The Biltmore Cabaret 8 pm $7

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Vancouver's Reigning Burlesque Queen, Burgundy Brixx continues to bring Vancouver audiences a different lineup of the greatest local and international burlesque stars and starlets every week.

Hosted by the fun-loving Purrrfessor, this evening features a highly-coveted weekly door prize.

HBO 10 pm $ - cost of specialty cable

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Spoiler alert: Hannah runs into Elijah on a weekend getaway at a Long Island beach house and invites him and his friends over, but she isn't sure how it will affect Marnie's schedule for getting her affairs back in order.

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The Wallflower 8 pm $ - free

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columns

LEAH SCHEITEL COLUMNS EDITOR

EDITOR@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

Girls on top A PUBIC DEBATE Amy Poulston × Columnist

A few things about Amy Poulston: she adores Harry Potter, can finish a cross word like a boss, and has a twin brother. While studying Art History and English at UBC, she also is a open and out feminist, and will argue her points in an articulate manner. Her column will explore feminist issues in today’s pop culture.

Pubes. Love them or loathe them, if you’re over a certain age you’re guaranteed to have them. So as we approach Valentine’s Day I thought, what better topic to delve into than one that is not only hotly debated, but also closely related to love and getting freaky? So what does our society think about pubes? Surprisingly removing hair from your lady bits dates back to 4000 BCE. Since visible pubic hair has been a faux pas in our culture for such a long time, this has resulted in a history of extensive methods of removal such as waxing, shaving, creams, and even lasers. Fast forward to 1987 and the currently popular Brazilian wax is founded in Manhattan and women’s lives and labia are changed forever.

But why is the more extreme Brazilian style

× Ksenia Kozhevnikova so prevalent in our modern day society, and are au naturel pubes making a comeback? We have celebrities on both sides of this debate with the first vocal advocate of keeping things furry being Cameron Diaz. Having just come out with a book called The Body Book, Diaz speaks out against lasering your “lady bits” and warns young women that going hairless is just a trend and that in later years they will want the option to have a full bush to cover their sagging labia.

Diaz goes on to compare the current trend of a hairless vagina to that of wearing different styles of shoes and pants when you’re younger than when you’re older – as if pubes are a pair of geriatric orthotic loafers.

Last year Gwyneth Paltrow confessed on the Ellen show that she “works a ‘70s vibe” – a bush.

Another more recent example, whether it be an ac-

tual statement or just for media, is when American Apparel put pubes on their female mannequins in New York last month. For most stores, this wouldn’t normally be visible but, of course, this is American Apparel and they put large brown rugs under white mesh lingerie. This can be seen as connected to the company’s message of celebrating natural beauty.

Personally, I think it’s awesome that some mainstream public figures are endorsing keeping our fuzzy bits the way they naturally are. Our pubes are meant to keep our nether regions healthy, keeping away unwanted bacteria, yeast infections, and even reducing the chance of STIs. With that being said, I’m also one to err on the side of pro-maintenance.

I don’t enjoy a jungle on a guy just as he probably wouldn’t on me. But whether you like to trim your hedge or mow your lawn, there are many spectrums of tending to your female garden. The problem with such an emphasis on going hairless is that I wonder if, as a society, we have gotten too subconsciously concerned with the female body as pure and are trying to banish the last realm of “dirty” bodily hair. The small battles for armpits and legs were lost long ago.

Not only can this hair removal cost quite a bit of money and time, it can also cause insecurity.

Women have been known to fret about excess body hair, and often opt to not embark on sexual content because they haven’t shaved in a week.

And the one downside to summer being the constant need to shave, and the amount of money

spent on razors. On the positive side, the huge increase in the popularity of waxing has caused a significant reduction in cases of pubic lice and crabs worldwide.

Any way you slice it, the current societal ideal of a bare lady doesn’t encourage a very positive mentality about our natural state as women. It causes us to view pubic hair on women as undesirable, or at the very least, unusual. Whether they be porn stars, models or celebrities (here’s looking at you and your highly publicized frontal thong Miley Cyrus) the large majority of females presented to us by the media are lacking hair below the waist and it’s causing us to think that this should be the norm. Because of this we are being told to conform to yet another female beauty ideal that is unrealistic. Some people even feel that in porn, this trend is connected to the desire to make girls look ever younger and pre-pubescent, which is definitely a gross thought.

The important thing in all of this is to try and understand why we as a society are so concerned with maintaining a bald vagina. If you’re choosing to keep bare down there because it makes you feel good, then by all means continue to do so! You could even shave it into a heart, dye it pink and surprise your bedmate on Valentine’s Day. It is every woman’s choice to do what she wants with her own body. But if you do catch yourself thinking that pubic hair is gross, try to remember that we should aspire to love ourselves in our natural state, pubes and all.

life money TRAVELLING WITH SPECIAL FRIENDS

Brian Cameron × Columnist

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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Brian Cameron is a writer, traveller, cyclist, and all around good guy. While he is currently based in Whistler, snowboarding the winter away, he is also planning his next adventure. Maybe becoming a Sherpa, who knows? Keep updated on his travels at Neverlostforeverfound.blogspot.ca

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Love and travel go hand in hand. If you’re abroad and see something beautiful or interesting, the first person you think of is your partner. That’s why so many people choose to travel with their significant other. I’ve travelled with my girlfriend in every serious relationship I’ve been in. There’s no better way to find out who someone is than getting lost with them.

When you’re travelling together it’s almost as if your relationship kicks into hyper-speed. Being in such close quarters and dealing with the day to day logistics of travel will either bring you closer than ever before or that mildly cute thing they do will become the most annoying thing you’ve ever experienced. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your relationship you have to stay aware and trust your partner. It’s not all palm trees and white sand.

Getting to know your partner this intimately and quickly can be challenging, and thieves often see couples as an easy target for a payday.

I was on a trip through Central America with my

girlfriend, “Emily”. This was the first big trip either of us had been on and my first since my high school spring break trip. We had been in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua for a week or so. The following day we headed south to Costa Rica then on to Panama. If you’re into history then you might be familiar with the Iran/Contra conflict. Long story short, Costa Rica and Nicaragua may be neighbours but there’s still unresolved tension. Neither side of the fence wants to accept the other’s currency in any capacity. We found this out the hard way when we were kicked out of a Nicaraguan bank for asking them to exchange Costa Rican dollars.

Emily and I were standing in front of our hotel grabbing cash out of the ATM. We were both pretty pumped to find out that it dispensed U.S. currency so we wouldn’t be left with near useless currency after getting over the Costa Rican border.

Just as the machine spat out the cash I noticed a local man whistle at his buddy and slyly point at us as he walked by.

Since we were on the front patio of a hotel we decided to walk inside and act as if we were staying there. We sat on the staircase out of view of the locals waiting for us on the sidewalk. After roughly 20 minutes, I poked my head out around the corner.

Instantly one of the locals and I made eye contact.

× Ekaterina Aristova We were made – we both knew what each other were waiting for.

Emily had noticed what had happened and started walking back out onto the patio. I instantly got furious, thinking she was getting us into big trouble with locals. She walked straight up to a few older Americans at a table looking over some real estate photos and said, “Don’t look now but those two guys over there are waiting to rob us, do you mind if we sit with you until they leave?” After realizing her plan and that she wasn’t walking out to play into the thieves’ hands, I calmed down. Not only did the Americans let us sit with them but one offered a ride and took off down the road to grab his truck.

When he returned and we started walking over

to the truck, we saw the local beam a payday sized smile across his face. We both had the great satisfaction of watching it drop off as we jumped in the truck and took off back to our hostel. We had dodged a trip ending robbery by trusting each other’s decision-making skills.

Emily and I made it back home relatively unscathed a few weeks later. I think travelling with a partner is the best thing you can do. You learn the ins and outs of each other while seeing new things.

Emily and I parted ways a few months after this trip, nothing against her. She’s a rad girl who’s still a good friend of mine and just got engaged to her dream guy. To celebrate, they’ve gone on a big long trip together.

Columns

for argument's sake ENTANGLED IN OUR OWN WEB Tomas Borsa × Columnist

Whether we call them “sacred”, “taboo”, or simply “off-limits”, some things in life are guarded, and their place of privilege in the collective consciousness is all but taken for granted. They’ve had their time in the sun – it’s time to hold them to the flame, and this is just what Tomas Borsa will do – argue against things that typically wouldn’t be argued against. And argue back, simply for the fun of it.

The utility and bewildering immediacy of the Internet sometimes borders on the mythical. In a single afternoon, I could buy a crate of Kit Kats, a taxidermied squirrel, a 1983 Yamaha Virago motorbike, two swans, and a derelict house in Detroit – all without leaving the comfort of my bed.

Never mind its myriad other uses: as a tool for re-connecting with long lost friends, as a means of broadcasting breaking news in real-time, or simply as a tool for killing time (see Reddit or Worstthingsontheinternet.tumblr.com). But it can’t all be good, can it?

In a word, no.

Never before has knowledge been so immedi-

ately accessible, nor has it been as easy to participate in its production and modification. But as the Internet carries on in its quest to “democratize” access to information, the role of expertise, and the lines between fact and fiction are slowly waning. Accuracy has never been the mainstay of the Internet; emotive declarations of conviction will do, and like a giant sounding board contracted on a for-lease basis, we are steadily being conditioned to settle (at least temporarily) for the loudest, not the most valid, sources of information.

On the surface, it’s all rather harmless. TMZ says so? Good enough for me. But nowhere is the saying “might makes right” more embodied than on the Internet. Whereas the real-world contains safeguards to ensure that minority voices cannot simply be trampled over by the wants and impulses of the majority hive-mind, on the web, anything goes. In 50 years, what will have become of cultural diversity, considering that our use of this disproportionately English-speaking tool is on course to double every year for the next decade? What will our conversations look like when we are all visiting the same websites, quoting the same videos, and alluding to the same memes of the day?

Oh, but that’s not all. Not content to erase any notion of objective reality, the Internet has also ushered in an age of unhinged entitlement, which used to be the sole reserve of crazed dictators and members of the aristocracy. With a single click of a mouse, all that you desire can be made available.

Want to order some shoes? You got it! Interested in watching a Disney-themed gangbang? Coming

right up! It has given around-the-clock access to our every whim and fancy – so why don’t we feel happier? Why are rates of suicide and depression at historical highs, and why aren’t we instead engaged in an orgiastic celebration of our collective ingenuity? Because the more the Internet reminds us that there is more, the more we want, and the more we want, the less satisfied we feel with what we already have. Like the host of some obnoxious late-night shopping program, the balance of the Internet serves as a reminder of one thing only: there is always more to be had.

Coinciding with this, we are increasingly made to settle for convincing imitations of the tangible world, while spending less time engaged with the real thing. Why farm when you can play FarmVille? Why carry money when you can purchase Bitcoins? Why shop at all when you can simply order online? It is a remarkable sleight of hand.

All of which, of course, have begun to seriously impact our social world. As each imitation replaces its analogue, our understanding of the original thing-in-question is modified. Porn, for example, has been single-handedly popularized (pardon the pun) by the Internet, and has taught an entire generation that however much you might enjoy sex (or anticipate enjoying it, or once enjoyed, whenever you last had it), it’s not happening frequently enough, it’s not happening in as many positions or exotic locales as it ought to, and it most certainly isn’t extreme, risqué, or degrading enough.

It teaches us that bodies are commodities, that we are entitled to immediate gratification, and that consent is as easy as entering a credit card number.

Or consider the impact of various social media on our understanding of social norms and relationships. Officially, Facebook is about connecting people with friends and others who work, study

and live around them. Twitter, for its part, enables instantaneous interaction and dialogue. But in practice, neither are used for much beyond crude social comparison – vehicles allowing people of similar background to gauge/leverage their social standing and brag about recent worldly insights/ material acquisitions. Admit it: posting a vacation photo is as much about immortalizing the moment as it is about one-upmanship, about moving one step closer to assuming your rightful title as most cultured, most educated, most chiselled, or most ostentatious among your circle of friends.

Compounding all of these problems is the godawful permanence of anything that should drunkenly meander its way onto the Internet. Like a shitty stick-and-poke, it is, regrettably, forever.

Sure, it’s entertaining, but what was designed as a tool for aggregating knowledge and bringing the world closer together has been co-opted, and each day makes us a little more stupid, a little more desensitized, a little more alike, a little less content, and a hell of a lot more vapid and self-obsessed.

× Alain Champagne

the big whoopsie CANADA'S POOPY PROPAGANDA

Erica Charron × Columnist

× Vivian Liu

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cabinet launched a website funded by taxpayer dollars (yes, yours and my precious pennies), called 24 Seven — an inside look into the magnificent and altruistic doings of the conservative government. Each week, the website publishes edited government updates — a video diary, so-to-speak, of what the PM is up to. And according to the first video, it’s not a whole lot.

In the inaugural episode, published on Jan. 2, we learn that Mr. Harper attends birthday parties. He and his wife like cats. He hangs out with geriatrics over the holidays, and he drags his family absolutely fucking everywhere all the while chitchatting about absolutely nothing. We gain even more provocative insight into pressing matters of the Prime Minister’s job as he sits down with the Vancouver Board of Trade to talk about Canada’s free trade agreement with Europe. He explains

×

I don’t like to beat around the bush. Canada is really, really bad at a lot of things – for lack of better blanket statements. Don’t get me wrong, I love this country; I’m proud to be a citizen of the red and white. Hockey is indeed a religion in my family and I do say “sorry” even in the most unnecessary moments. But all this still doesn’t distract me from the fact that, as the second largest country in the entire world — one that prides itself on its humanitarian melting pot of culture and consideration, we suck balls at alot of shit. For instance, Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing, we’ve produced Avril and Chad Nickleback, and oil and maple syrup seems to be the only products we are good at exporting. But nothing really tops what our fabulous government did to kick off the New Year and tame its oh-so-tainted reputation.

This January, Prime Minister Harper and his

the attitude of a group. They predominantly are images or loaded messages of embellished truths and false (by omission) statements intended to justify the ideas and actions of a higher authority within a utopian-like context. It is the psychology of persuasion and group-thinking that ultimately propel these ideas as reality. On Jan. 9, the Huffington Post likened the tactics of our prime minister to that of the totalitarian state of North Korea.

The images we see are in desperate effort to soften Harper’s now duplicitous reputation and promote that he, too, is just a normal family man with a couple of kids doing the best ass-licking that he can. Harper’s spokesperson Jason MacDonald says the series will continue “as long as people find it interesting and useful.’’ But we must ask, to whom?

What is sneaky about this website is that it is catered to a “less” informed and impressionable audience — i.e. teens and immigrants — shaping their perceptions of a squeaky-clean government. The videos and images are tackily staged and scripted, and the commentary behind them is narrated by a woman that sounds like she’s given a tour to a group of six year olds at the aquarium in 1956. Now, let’s vote – who wants to replace the maple leaf with a cheese hammer? Anyone?

THE CAPILANO COURIER

Erica Charron likes to tell people when they are being stupid, and so naturally, she wants to tell government to stop being assholes, and to work for their people.

For good entertainment, buy her a glass of wine and debate about political affairs – the more wine, the more candid it gets.

that, “One of the things that we have been doing over the past few years is not just expanding our trade deals but expanding our capacity to negotiate…” Radpants! We’ve been expanding our ability to talk even more about absolutely nothing!

In episode three, made public on Jan. 16, Mr. Harper makes a monumental visit to Israel, where he kisses their ass so intensely it’s a wonder he didn’t choke on his own bullshit. In a speech he made before the Israeli parliament, the Knesset, the PM cheerled his way to the podium and absurdly vowed that, “Any attempt to have me, while present in the Middle East, single out the state of Israel for criticism, I will not do so…Canada supports Israel because it is the right thing to do.” In other words, “Do what you want, what I don’t see I don’t know, let’s hold hands just don’t blow me up. Sorry, bye.”

If you explore the website a little more you will find the “Fun” tab. Here you will discover the Fostering Pets section that includes one of those really awkward family portraits with a cat that looks scared shitless. Fostering pets insures that the nation knows that, while the Harper family licks the ass of Israel, they also support the Ottawa Humane Society. Down the page, you will also notice that you can put your “artist cap on and have some fun colouring six very different Canadian pictures.” Yay! Don’t forget to follow the Prime Minister on Twitter today! And “Like” his Facebook page tomorrow.

Let’s talk about propaganda for a second. Yes, you’ve heard the word before, perhaps not since your Grade nine history class but you have heard it, and you love it because it’s one of those big words you can actually spell. For those who have forgotten, propaganda, broadly, is the wide distribution of biased information aimed at influencing

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opinions

FAYE ALEXANDER OPINIONS EDITOR

OPINIONS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

valentine's Day COUPLED UP Kristi Alexandra

Pro

× Copy Editor If you’ve ever heard Three Dog Night wail out, “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do,” you’ll note that they had a point. From having to ride a rollercoaster next to another sad, sappy stranger who couldn’t find a partner to ordering a medium pizza to your bachelor apartment and turning up the volume on the television so that the pizza delivery guy won’t think you’re alone, it seems experientially proven that staying solo can lead to some uncomfortable situations. Most of all during the holiday for lovers: Valentine’s Day. If fear of sitting next to a stranger at a theme park or stuffing yourself with pizza solo can’t convince you to shack up this Valentine’s Day, there’s some hard evidence that suggests you should probably try. Empirical data shows that people who kiss, cuddle and have sex often (i.e. people in relationships) are on the whole happier and healthier. Forget the whimsical idea of “soul mates” and finding “the one”, those concepts – as lovely as they are – are unquantifiable.

There is, however, a very good reason that on Feb. 14 lovers exchange chocolate and affections. It all comes down to science.

For one, physical closeness like cuddling and sex help your brain to release the naturally occurring hormone oxytocin, otherwise known as the “love drug.” "It increases overall happiness," Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness, told Shape magazine. Coincidentally, that physical closeness also releases endorphins and dopamine – the brain’s happy chemical – which is also found in chocolate.

Ergo, chocolate and cuddling in wrapped up into one 24-hour span? Double dose.

Another reason to grab a partner on Valentine’s Day comes doctor recommended: kissing can actually boost a woman’s immune system. Cytomegalovirus, a virus that can be contracted through mouth to mouth contact, can be harmful to a pregnant woman but if the bug is contracted through a little spit swapping beforehand, it acts like a vaccine, increasing her immunity to it – except Jenny McCar-

thy won’t be knocking down doors claiming it’s the cause behind child autism. Kissing and touching, holistic therapist Catherine Connors said to Shape magazine, reduces stress and anxiety and can help lower blood pressure. "[It] in turn reduces the risk of heart disease," Connors said.

And for those just too vain and self-involved to look out for anyone other than Number One, evidence suggests that being with a partner actually makes you slimmer and more beautiful. “When we're in loving relationships, our bodies produce adrenaline, which can act as an appetite suppressant,” an article by Self magazine claims. And that post-sex blush? Increased blood flow to the face moves cells to bring more nutrients and oxygen to the skin, making it look younger.

So while those of you committed to boycotting this V-day are sitting at home alone watching The Break-Up three times in a row, I’ll be snapping on my thigh-high stockings and reaping the benefits of intimacy-induced oxytocin release for days to come.

you truly are, and create your identity. The truth is, the chances of finding a meaningful relationship that will last greatly increase when you’ve taken the time to love and learn about yourself first.

It’s a widespread belief that a healthy, happy relationship is the final piece to the puzzle that is our lives – but that can’t be true. Pop-culture has been brainwashing us for years; the cycle continues for every new generation watching Disney movies as kids and later replacing them with their “adult” counterparts, romantic comedies. Big corporations want you to breed and chase true love; it’s your loving relationships that create their next generation of consumers. The ultimate “screw you” would be to live a life less ordinary and embrace a single life with cats and unrequited affairs. Write your own story – there is nothing more basic than a life defined by a mediocre relationship.

Besides, one of the most marvelous things about being alone is having the freedom to flirt. Being free to flirt with whomever you choose, whenever you want is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off (in a relationship, you do have to

take your clothes off). The world is truly your oyster, and you can try as many things on the menu as you like. It’s a veritable all-you-can-eat buffet of experience out there. The single years are primed for honing the flirting skills and coincidentally finding out about others: what works, what flops, which clever one-liner will get someone between your sheets.

There will be plenty of singles spending their night wallowing at the bar this Valentine’s Day, so why not practice your best game?

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” is a famous quote from Erich Segal’s Love Story - and albeit being an infamous line in literary history, it’s also total nonsense. Anyone in a relationship would tell you that. Being single means never having to explain. So this Valentine’s Day, I’m not going to have to explain to anyone why I spent my evening drinking red wine and watching Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. Enjoying time with myself more than I enjoy spending it with a man is a triumph, not a weakness. Plus, a vibrator is a small financial investment.

× Katie So

SINGLED OUT Faye Alexander × Opinions Editor

Con

× Katie So

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Happiness truly comes from within, and you won’t likely find it in that box of chocolates or bouquet of roses this Valentine’s Day - so stop sweating about being single on the Hallmark holiday of love. Is anyone’s idea of a good time really a date in a crowded restaurant with hundreds of other couples in forced romantic settings? Being single on Feb. 14 means saving money, avoiding the crowds, and having the freedom to still bed whomever you want.

When people are in committed relationships, most of their time is spent figuring out “who you are” as a couple, which is a huge distraction from a much more imperative question – “Who am I?” Once individuals eventually make it to marriage and a family of their own, they start defining themselves by their roles as parents or spouses; a unique identity gets left in the dust. These wonderful years of single-hood, it's when you have the chance to really get to know yourself, discover who

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× Alain Champagne

opinions

Men and maternity QUIT BEING SUCH A BABY Gabriel Scorgie × Writer The constant balancing act between one's career and their personal life is a struggle for both men and women. There is no simple solution on the best of days and it only gets more difficult when you throw a pregnancy into the equation. Maternity leave was intended as a family-friendly program to help parents care for their children without giving up their career. However, Julia (who only went by her first name to maintain anonymity), a lawyer interviewed by Macleans, found the opposite to be true when she was slowly pushed out of her job once she announced her decision to go on maternity leave. Due to maternity leave initially being an entire year off to care for a newborn child, society views it as more acceptable for women to take leave than men and since many families have multiple children in a small amount of time, maternity leave too often turns into a choice women have to make between their career and personal life. More men need to start taking the time off, the length of the leave needs to be reduced and measures need to be put in place to minimize the impact it has on their career.

Taking a year or more off from anything and expecting to be able to just pick up where you left off afterwards is both risky and foolish. Even more so

if you are working in a high-pressure environment like a law or accounting firm where going above and beyond is expected – this has led to people falling behind when they return to work and eventually quitting their jobs altogether. With the options of telecommuting and working from home becoming more prevalent, there must be a way for those who want to stay relevant in their profession to do so.

People make sacrifices at home or in their workplace all the time – right now the decision to go on maternity leave or not is no different. It’s a choice between taking a step back in your career to be there for your baby, or to see your child less in order to stay on your current career path. It’s not only a poor selection of choices but it’s a choice only women need to make.

A Macleans article stated that 90 per cent of women decide to take maternity leave, averaging a total of 48 weeks off while only 11 per cent of men do, averaging only two and a half weeks off. The reason maternity leave is hurting women’s careers so much is because almost all of the people that take maternity leave are women. Studies show that when men take extended leaves of absence from work or go on paternity leave, they take a slightly bigger hit to their careers than women do. The amount of time off is the problem, not the gender.

× Tierney Milne Julia explains in the article that “the men would say: I see a wedding band on a man and I think, ‘Amazing, because that guy’s got to pay the bills and make sure the woman and children are happy,’” she says. “When I see a wedding band on a woman, the first thing I think is liability, because I know that 90 per cent of the time I’m going to have to deal with a pregnancy.” It’s that type of patriarchal thinking that hurts women in the workplace. Society has been trained to expect women to handle all the problems that come with pregnancy and when you see 90 per

cent of women taking maternity leave, it only reinforces that sort of thought process. When a manager sees a married man, it should raise as many questions and concerns as seeing a married woman does.

Maternity leave is a program that needs updating.

When it was introduced by the Canadian government over a decade ago, the professional landscape was vastly different than it is now.

Today, more women than ever are graduating from university with degrees and are looking to become professionals. As a result, the benefits and perception of working women need to be updated to reflect that. Expecting women to always be the parent to put her career on hold in order to care for a newborn isn’t realistic and neither is expecting a year off to have no impact on one’s career. A reduced leave of absence, combined with more men taking the time off and the option to stay employed in a reduced role to keep your foot in the door would be a big part in making maternity leave less detrimental to those with career ambitions.

it's not easy being harper HARPER CRITICIZES ALL CRITICS OF ISRAEL Paisley Conrad × Writer

× Crystal Lee

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economic decisions, which has led both countries into two recessions, and countless wars.

“The one lesson I think we have learned is that when somebody is a minority, particularly a small minority in the world, one goes out of one’s way to embrace them, not to single them out for criticism. That’s a fundamental Canadian ethic.”

Harper commented upon his return to Canada.

Though Canada has a reputation for peace that its citizens have the right to be proud of, the course of non-action is not something to be encouraged.

In a day and age where politicians take every opportunity to avoid making strong declarations, and

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ians and the Jews, according to Harper, that is not our concern. In an address to the Israeli parliament, he remarked that “it is a Canadian tradition to stand for what is principled and just, regardless of whether it is convenient or popular.” Indeed, the support of Israel is precedented, as the United States of America has been financially backing Israel for decades. According the United States’ General Accounting Office, the U.S. reportedly sends upwards of $20 billion in aid to Israel per year.

Following the American government's example can easily be considered both convenient and popular.

Canada has a long history of mirroring the U.S.'s

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Some may say that it's hard to be Stephen Harper.

He is charged with the governance of an entire country, which is no small feat. His countrymen are critical of his every move, and the decisions he makes are analyzed by the thousands. In addition, there are dozens of memes mocking his sweater vests and environmental opinions. Some would say that these negative judgements are warranted, while others would disagree. What is apparent, however, is that no one in Canada is laying down palm leaves when Stephen Harper rides into town.

When Harper leaves Canada, he is treated like a rock star. Most recently, he took a trip to the Middle East, spending four days in Israel. In line with the current fashion of politicians, Harper spent most of his time gallivanting about Israel sightseeing, and (literally) walking the red carpet.

At one state dinner, he got onstage and serenaded the congregation with a rousing interpretation of The Beatles’ “Hey Jude”. The crowd went wild as he belted out the oh-so-familiar “na-na-na”s and Harper found the support and adoration that he doesn't find among his own Canadian public.

In return, Harper had nothing but the nicest things to say about Israel. Making the observation that Canada is “the polar opposite of Israel...with much geography but very little history,” he shows his lack of understanding of the deep history of the Jewish people in that region of the world. Indeed, there has been Israeli tradition in that region of the world for at least five millennia of recorded history.

Though Israel is constantly in a state of unrest, with frequent threats of terrorism and often making the news due to conflict between the Palestin-

refuse to attack the matters at hand, this is a stale statement to make. It's blatantly disappointing to hear a world leader speak to the populace as if he is a kindergarten teacher, teaching five year olds about how to share and treat others with respect.

Instead of taking this opportunity to make astute and necessary social observations about the tumultuous state of Israel, Harper also made the decision to criticize all those who find fault with the Israeli government. “Some openly call Israel an apartheid state.... This is the face of the new antisemitism. It targets the Jewish people by targeting Israel and attempts to make the old bigotry acceptable for a new generation.” Anti-semitism is the hatred and prejudice of those with Jewish heritage, it is a form of extreme discrimination and racism.

It is also the wrong word to use to describe this situation. When politicians and journalists criticize Israel, they are not hating the Jewish culture or the rich tradition surrounding the archaic religion. They are bringing to light the fact that the country is ineffectively run, and rife with internal strife. Harper has not demonstrated his religious and worldly awareness. In fact, he has brought attention to his lack of understanding of the word anti-semite.

"The brutal reality of the world is that we do not control the actions of others,” he said in an address to the Israelis during his first night. “And sometimes the actions of others impose realities on others that we have to deal with.” With another obtuse statement, Harper again discredits the intelligence of his populace. Unfortunately for Canada, and luckily for Israel, Harper isn't making any moves to create any sort of reality. He isn't making any moves at all.

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the call for cthulhu PARENTS TURN TO THE INTERNET TO NAME THEIR FIRST BORN CHILD Steve Tornes × Writer The Internet is calling for a newborn baby to be named Cthulhu, after the monstrous deity whose very image causes madness and who will precipitate the end of the world. To give proper context, a new father has decided to let the Internet pick the name of his daughter, who is expected to be born in April. In this case, Stephen McLaughlin created the website NameMyDaughter.com and writes, “Much to the disbelief of my wife, I have decided to let the Internet name* my daughter.

Yeah that is an asterisk. Unfortunately Internet, I know better than to trust you. We will ultimately be making the final decision. Alas my daughter shall not be named WackyTaco692.”

The obvious problem is one of pronunciation. This is due to the fact that H.P. Lovecraft, the creator of the Cthulhu Mythos, gave different forms of pronunciations, such as Khlûl’-hoo and ka-TH’oo-loo. Cthulhu is not supposed to be a name which human vocals can properly reproduce, which therefore makes it irrational to give a baby this name. The name Cthulhu is not expected to be accepted by the parents, due to the aforementioned asterisk. Regardless, the issue is not whether a baby will or will not be named Cthulhu, but whether society relies too much on the Internet.

× Megan Collinson We use the Internet to make plans with people, to find relationships, import spouses, and now to choose the names of our unborn children.

However, did the parents go too far in trusting the Internet? Many of the names in the lead are surprisingly conventional, suggesting that their trust was not unfounded. The list of conventional names includes Amelia (second place), Charlotte (fourth place), Olivia (fifth place). In fact, out of the 15 listed names, eight names are conventional (10 if you include Zelda and Luna). McLaughlin was amazed, saying on Reddit, “I am also quite surprised by how respectful people have been.”

Cthulhu, although in the lead, seems to suggest

the exception, rather than the rule. Also, it was not as if they trusted the Internet without reservation, since they included the asterisk.

On the other hand, by letting the Internet choose their daughter’s name, the parents risk losing an emotional connection with the child. For instance, if they chose a name of a past family member, then they are keeping their family history alive in the present. Names can have personal meanings known only by the parents, thereby giving the child a narrative within the family history.

Part of the process of becoming a parent is the ritual of choosing a good name for the baby. By letting the Internet choose the name, the parents are abdicating a responsibility and losing an emotional connection between parent and child.

This is a new era of social media and perhaps they are creating new emotional connections by letting the Internet choose her name. They can tell her the story of how she was almost named Cthulhu or how the Internet came together to choose her name. Perhaps the daughter, if named Amelia, will feel a closer kinship to her fellow human beings, since over 80,000 of them helped choose her moniker. In this light, the parents are not relying on the Internet to choose a name, but to help create an emotional connection, which can be considered admirable.

Many people were probably concerned for the

parents, worried that the contest would be hijacked by trolls, but perhaps we should have been more worried for the Internet. It could be that the parents are trying to shock the world, by letting the Internet choose their daughter’s name so that they could get their 15 minutes of fame. Perhaps the parents are relying on the Internet so that they could get fickle, fleeting gratification. This is worrisome because people are getting desensitized to the Internet. For another family to get their 15 minutes of fame, they would have to shock us even more, perhaps by letting the Internet choose their child’s name without any asterisks. If we choose to sensationalize antics such as these, perhaps we are setting up the foundation for some future kid to be traumatized with the name Gollum.

Of course, we can’t guess at motives, which is why the Internet is so heavily based on trust to begin with. There are many cautionary tales against trusting anonymous users online, whether they are Nigerian princes or dogs. However, if you never trusted the Internet, you would miss out on random acts of kindness, such as the Reddit Secret Santa or the Foundation to Decrease World Suck, Inc. by the Vlogbrothers. The Internet, just like life, is full of good people and bad people. It should come to no one’s surprise that Cthulhu is in the lead with over 91,000 votes, but neither should the fact that Amelia is second with over 80,000.

naturally monogamish DIFFERENT STROKES WITH MANY FOLKS Edil Hundubey

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Imagine on Valentine’s Day walking into your apartment to find a lovely bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, and a nice bottle of wine. All wonderful gifts and all from your different intimate relations. Valentine’s Day is designed to be shared with that one special person in your life. We live in a society where most of us are in search of a “soul mate.” Those who do find love are expected to stay in love, while being virtually blind to any attraction for others. In western culture, the monogamous lifestyle is so common that it is almost a default for most relationships. However, Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn and a doctor of psychology, believes that humans actually thrive in polyamorous relationships.

Ryan says that “we need to move beyond men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” Men and women are, indeed, equal when it comes to sexual promiscuity. So he looks to our closest primate relatives to prove a point: the bonobo. The bonobo monkey, along with chimpanzees, are the closest living relatives to humans. The male bonobos, for one, have a set of external testicles. This is a rare quality; as Ryan puts it, “external testicles are like having an extra fridge in the garage for beer.

If you’re the kind of guy that has a beer fridge, you expect a party to happen at any moment.”

Bonobos, unlike any other animal species, have sex face-to-face in order to create a bond. Also, their sexual endeavours aren’t limited to the heteromonogamous confines of human society. Instead they explore their relations with one another freely – males and females alike.

So if monogamy goes against our deep-rooted nature, why is it so mainstream? Because we have

been raised and coddled in a culture that enforces Judaeo-Christian values, so much so that it has become the norm. It is very rare that monogamy is a conscious choice. However, as the structure of relationships comes into question, more and more people are starting to challenge heteronormativity.

When asked what his thoughts on monogamous relationships are, Jon Kinsley, head of the Queer Collective at Capilano University, says, “I really feel it depends on the person. You really need to know yourself and should do what works for you. I know I can love two people at the same time but it doesn't mean I can do polyamory. I am jealous. Super jealous.”

“I need to work on that if I ever get close to being able to be with someone who is polyamorous, or be it myself. Thus far in my life, I've only had monogamous relationships and one kind of open one. I think I could do open with rules, but not just poly or open. I need a bit of structure and I do like the idea of the one person you share everything with,” explains Kinsley.

He advises that, “If monogamy is for you then stick to it, but be careful because if you’re seeing someone who is poly and you try to tie them down, it's not going to work. I know a lot of people that believe fully in their relationship styles, whether it be monogamy or polyamory – I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I believe both can work, I just don't know if I'm ready to share.”

Sharing and the ability to tolerate anyone other than yourself in your lover’s life, is most definitely a key factor in polyamorous relationships. Let’s face it, we’ve all felt jealous for one reason or another. In monogamous relationships, trust and security is built over time, much of that relating to devotion and loyalty. It’s reassuring to know that your partner didn’t spend the weekend in Vegas

× Chris Dedinsky

doing everything but you.

However, people in polyamorous relationships require set boundaries as well. And, believe it or not, they can experience jealousy too, and sometimes quite often. The positive side to this is once you look past others in your partner’s life as competitors and work to humanize them, it can be liberating. Also, once you get past the need to find complete fulfillment in a single partner, you drop these unreasonably high expectations and instead seek different things from different people. It is also relieving to take solace in the fact that you can’t be everything for one person.

When asked what his thoughts are on polyamory, former Jehovah’s Witness Stefan Friesen says “relationships can feel more natural when there are no strings attached.” Growing up in a strict religious household, he’d rather not feel guilty of anything he does. He says it was “a feeling I grew very weary of growing up with.”

“I don’t want a relationship that revolves around jealousy and possessive sort of feelings. Constantly updating my whereabouts and worrying about upsetting [someone]. I want relationships with people to be free and open! I’d much rather explore and create a variety of different memorable emotional and sexual connections,” explains Friesen.

It is easy to say that polyamory is just an excuse to sleep around while avoiding deeper connections. Yet, the basis of it is surrounded by communication and consent. In his novel, Ryan states that, “We evolved not to have sex be primarily about reproduction; human sexuality is primarily establishing and maintaining complex social networks.” To trust one another is to build a bond that feels safe. So where monogamous couples find security in one another’s exclusivity, polyamorous relationships thrive off each other’s freedom.

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Game Review CANUCKS VS BLACKHAWKS, JAN. 29 Taylor Williams × Writer The Canucks went into the contest hoping to end the month of January on a high note with a win against their arch-nemeses, the Chicago Blackhawks. Unfortunately, the defending Stanley Cup Champions had other plans.

The Blackhawks, after surrendering the game’s first goal only 16 seconds into the contest, never looked back. They got goals from Marian Hossa, Brandon Saad, Jonathan Toews, and Patrick Sharp on five shots in the second period to erase a twogoal deficit and lead them to a relatively easy 5-2 road win over the Canucks.

Vancouver, who has now lost 10 of its last 14 games finished up a four-game home-stand with a porous record of 1-3-0. The team will now head out for a four-game Eastern Conference road swing before the much needed two week Olympic break. Chris Higgins scored his 15th of the season while Tom Sestito potted his fifth on a night full of missed opportunities.

Things were looking up for the hometown boys early on after a nifty Chris Higgins backhander found its way into the net 16 seconds into the opening frame. After Tom Sestito buried a Ryan

Stanton feed in the high slot it seemed as if the 18,910 fans packing Rogers Arena were in for a real treat.

However, the positive atmosphere was short-lived.

After David Booth, who is goalless in his last 15 games, took an undisciplined goaltender interference penalty, all hell broke loose for the home side. The Hawks, boasting the league’s fifth best power play went to work as Marian Hossa snapped home his 24th goal of the season on the impending man advantage. This power play strike opened the floodgates for the Blackhawks as they would score twice again within a two-minute span to snatch the lead from the helpless Canucks.

The third period saw the Canucks’ top line of Jordan Schroeder centering Daniel Sedin and Zack Kassian create a multitude of golden scoring chances. However, in the end, it was the lack of finish that has haunted this team since the 2011 Stanley cup playoffs that ultimately lead them to their demise. Patrick Sharp added a fourth goal and his team high 28th of the year midway through the third period, with a heavy wrist shot that fooled Canucks goaltender Roberto Loungo.

Corey Crawford fought off 28 of 30 shots for the Blackhawks who secured their 15th road win of the season, while Luongo stopped 35 of the 39 shots thrown his way by the visiting squad.

The Canucks, hoping to forget the month of January completely, open up their four-game trip on Friday evening in an all-Canadian clash with the struggling Winnipeg Jets.

Canucks defencemen, Chris Tanev, was added

to the growing injury list earlier with a fractured thumb and is listed as day to day. Daniel Sedin’s goal drought reached 14 games during the game on Jan. 29, his longest since a 15-game goalless streak back in 2005. The Canucks sputtering power play failed to score three times with the manadvantage plummeting them to 29th in the league.

mindset. “We have talked amongst our team and all agreed that we need to play like the underdog and keep our ‘never give up’ attitude that brought us to a championship last year,” says Hammond.

Like any other sports team, the MBlues also prove to be vulnerable to the challenges every athletes face – injuries. “Injuries have held our team back quite a bit this year,” begins Hammond. “Every one of our starting players has been out for a game or two with injuries, and have had to miss multiple practices. We have overcome this issue with a strong team bond with trusting players that can count on our deep bench to fill in the spots when it is needed.”

Hammond adds that among the starters, only fifth-year setter Ben Ricketts has been able to participate in every game.

Hammond himself has had to face serious challenges regarding injuries, as he had just fully recovered from an ACL reconstruction surgery that he went through last year.

Much of the encouraging observations Hammond has seen from the team stems from the collective professionalism. “Our coach has a strong demand for professionalism and it has transferred into our daily lives quite positively,” he says. “I feel like the overall attitude and everyone being on the same page will lead us to success in the near future.”

With just one win away from first place, the MBlues are aiming to successfully defend their provincial championship – and then challenge for the national championship. “Our team goal is pretty simple. We want to be the best team in the country.

We want to take the important steps to overcome our small goals to lead us to a provincial championship which then can be carried over to success and a national championship,” Hammond says.

This year, CapU will be hosting provincials with both the men’s and women’s team hoping to have a strong base of support from the CapU community.

Although both teams are doing well, the awareness around campus still leaves much to be desired.

“I feel like we need to create a better studentathlete bond. Some teachers don't even know we have athletics programs. We need support from every student that we can,” says Hammond.

Some have devised strategies on how to help raise campus awareness in regards to athletics, the men’s basketball team has talked about having pub events on major home-game nights. Pettersson suggests a fan appreciation night where students can enjoy a game and have some free pizza.

Currently, many of CapU’s sports teams lack a strong fan base, which is a shame considering the Blues’ recent success.

over the net A LOOK AT CAPU VOLLEYBALL Carlo Javier

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With the women’s team currently sitting at fourth place, and the men’s at third place, both of CapU’s volleyball teams pose a serious threat in reaching and winning a national championship.

Despite facing challenges brought forth by the assimilation of several new players, as well as the adjustment to switching positions, the women’s volleyball team has still managed to be in striking distance of third place – out of seven teams – in the PacWest conference.

“We have a lot of new players and players changing positions which has taken a while to get adjusted to but we are finally coming together strong as a team,” says Sara Pettersson, the WBlues’ outside hitter. Pettersson also commended the team for their performance against the Columbia Bible College Bearcats in the previous week. “We swept Columbia Bible College which was very important for us. We played solid all weekend,” she says.

With the playoffs just a month away, the WBlues aim to build on the momentum they’ve gained since their challenging start. “We always strive to play consistently, something we struggled with early on in the season, but now I think we have found our groove just in time for the playoffs,” explains Pettersson.

Part of the challenge the team faced stems from

the amount of early adjustments the players had to make. As the season bounced along, the girls have become accustomed to the rigours of postsecondary level athletics. “I have seen a lot of improvement both mentally and physically with the girls. Especially the rookies have grown and taken more responsibility,” begins Pettersson. “Our practices are more competitive and that makes us all better. Everyone is fighting to be a starting player.”

Currently sitting at 10 wins and eight losses, the WBlues remain four points behind third-place Camosun College Chargers.

“I think we can make nationals if we play our best and play consistent. We have a good chance,” exclaims Pettersson.

Similarly, the men’s volleyball team also hold high hopes for this season. “Our team is doing well so far. We had a good first half of the season with a couple tough games but look to fire back in the second half to get a good spot for provincials,” says Taylor Hammond, left side and president of the Athletic Council.

The MBlues started their season with the target on their backs – they’re the reigning provincial champions, which means they come naturally as the team that everyone wants to beat. With that in mind, the team collectively took the underdog

sports

casual homophobia CHANGING THE NORM OF ANTI-GAY COMMENTS IN THE LOCKER ROOM Gabriel Scorgie × Writer Sports locker rooms are a safe haven for perverse, misogynist, and homophobic ideas – one of the last remaining places where it is still seen as acceptable to call people “fags” or describe something as “being gay.” Some professional athletes like NFL players Chris Culliver, Garrison Hearst, and NBA athlete Tim Hardaway have publicly said they don’t want to play on the same team as gay people. That isn’t exactly the most welcoming environment for someone who is a closet homosexual, and it all plays a role in why there are still no officially “out” gay athletes in any of the major four North American sport leagues.

TSN recently aired a three-part segment on homosexuality in professional sports. Interviewing former gay players who hid their sexuality until they were retired and people who are currently trying to change locker room culture. Usually referred to as casual homophobia, where people use anti-gay and discriminatory language like “gay”, “homo”, and “fag” in a non-hateful way but still as a negative to put someone down. Sayings like: “that’s gay”, “don’t be a fag” and “no homo” all fall into the category of casual homophobia. To the average person or teammate it may not and usually doesn’t matter, but to a closeted teammate, hearing those terms thrown around can create a hostile environment.

Averages suggest that there are between 120 and 150 gay athletes amongst the top five professional sports in North America which are the MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL and MLS. Between those

on point

× Arin Ringwald

five leagues there are 141 teams, meaning that it is possible that there is at least one gay athlete on every professional team in North America. In every locker room where casual homophobic language is used, there could be one player feeling exclud-

their teammates was gay, they’d stop making these comments – which is why that kind of language shouldn’t be used in the first place.

The NHL has taken major steps in supporting gay athletes and has become the first major sport to have every team show support for LGBT fans and athletes. NHL players like Dustin Brown and Ben Scrivens have gone on record saying that they don’t tolerate the use of homophobic language in team dressing rooms anymore, nor do they support it as a form of trash talking their opponents. However, despite all these efforts, there is still no open gay player in the NHL. Although the MLS isn’t considered one of the major sports in North America, in 2013 they made history when Robbie Rodgers stepped onto the field in the 77th minute for the L.A. Galaxy in a game against the Seattle Sounders making him the first active gay athlete in North America.

Even though there’s currently no officially gay athlete other than Rodgers, the landscape is quickly changing due to programs like You Can Play and the hope is that it won't be long until athletes feel comfortable enough to show who they really are to both their teammates and the public.

ed and unwelcome. The vast majority of people aren’t consciously trying to alienate homosexuals or make them feel unwanted; they just use the language because they think it isn’t hurting anyone in the room. Odds are that if they knew that one of

Sara Pettersson

Outside Hitter, Ladies Volleyball Health Care Assistant Program

Cats or Dogs?

Dogs.

Favorite Love Song The John Legend new one, "All Of Me". Thats a good one.

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Most Romantic Thing You've Done or Had Done For You: For my boyfriend, for his birthday, I drew him a map and then I had lots of presents at different places around town so he had to go to one place to another and it took probably two hours. The last stop was at a restaurant where I bought him dinner.

Dream Date: Henrik Lundqvist.

Celebrity Crush Henrik Lundqvist.

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[ o ] Vancouver Sports Pictures

47 ISSUE N O . 16

If You Were a Chocolate What Would You Be? Kit Kat. Ultimate Date Deal Breaker: Talking about old exes.

Chocolate of Flowers?

Chocolate.

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Staff Editorial new beginnings LEARNING HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FEARS Therese Guieb × Features Editor

× Cheryl Swan I worry a lot. It doesn’t matter if it is work-related, family, school or relationships. Worrying has become somewhat of a disease that has ultimately controlled my life. According to Psychology Today, “worrying helps people to ‘think constructively’ about the problems they’re faced with and around 75 per cent of worries are about the present or the future.” It might not be such a bad trait to have because it disciplines your thought process and makes you become more conscientious of your actions. Although, if I had the ability to go back in time and eliminate this trait, I would.

When I was four years old, I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura or Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura (ITP). This auto-immune disorder causes excessive bleeding and bruising from the low levels of platelets - cells that help blood clot. I still vividly remember waking up one morning with bruises all over my body.

Picture a ragdoll thrown down a flight of stairs. I bruised so easily that even if I was poked lightly, it would bruise.

There were an endless number of medical exams that my body had to go through to determine

what I was suffering from. At one point, doctors thought I had leukemia. My family was so desperate to know what I had that they almost flew me out of the country to get treatment abroad. I was in intensive care for six months. By the age of four, I already had a bone marrow transplant, which is known to be one of the most painful extractions one can go through without the use of anesthesia. It took a year to recover from my disorder and antibiotics became my best friend for quite some time.

Fourteen years later, my body is still incredibly vulnerable. I am restricted from many contactheavy sports and activities. Even pinching would cause a bruise that would last for days. Since then, I’ve always been afraid that one day I will suffer from ITP again.

This thought has driven me into letting my worries restrain me from being adventurous, until I landed my position at the Courier. It may sound strange that an editorial position has led me to this conclusion, but I started to let go of “what ifs” and turned it into “now is the time.” When I started working here, my views in life have gradually changed positively. This job has not just made me become better professionally, but a person as well.

After attending NASH, a student journalist conference, in Edmonton last month, I’ve grasped the importance of letting loose. From all of the seminars and guest speakers at NASH that shared their personal experiences, they had one message: to be able to reach your goals, you must take risks.

Planning may give you an idea of what you want in life but it will not be as exciting if you don’t take the opportunity that is the opposite from what you have planned and be spontaneous. It made me

consider trying new things and being audacious with constructing ideas.

Not only did the guest speakers from the conference motivate me into not letting my worries overcome me, the Courier staff played a big role as well. After five days with them at NASH, I began to grow fond of them. Each individual on the staff has their own outlook on things. They each have a unique way of expressing themselves that makes them the most outspoken people I’ve ever met.

They may have their differences but when we get together, we undeniably have a unified voice. We grow and learn from one another by sharing our experiences and making new ones as we go.

The Courier staff aren’t just my co-workers anymore but more like an odd little family. Leah Scheitel, our editor-in-chief, is like a big sister to all of us. She encourages the whole staff to get better at what they do and she guides us in our decisions. That includes picking the right date to the JHM awards night gala at NASH – or the right companion in the long run for that matter. I’ve literally never met someone so caring of her staff, that a guy who’s trying to win you over has to be interrogated by her first - no matter how innocent he looks - before receiving the “go” signal. Scheitel embodies the ideal combination of characteristics: an exceptionally talented writer, goal-achiever, and knows the true meaning of spontaneity. She’s taught me not just her famous dance move, but to learn how to just go with the flow – because worrying about everything you do will hold you back from the unexpected moments that you’d wish you experienced when you were younger, including an adventure on a staircase and an elevator.

CAP-ture of the week

#CAPCOURIER @CAPILANOCOURIER

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Our marketing + web editor, Lindsay Howe met these two lovely ladies in the cafeteria one one of her daily strolls around campus. They were selling some pretty snazzy Valentine's Day cards made by students in CapU's IDEA program, with proceeds going towards the IDEA grad show at the end of the year. We like cards, and Valentine's Day, and supporting our fellow starving artists, so we proceeded to buy a ton of them. Like, a ton. Now we're broke and addressing them all to our editor-in-chief @schei_schei's two cats. "Happy Valentine's Day, Hank and Melissa -- you're pawsitively purrfect!"

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# VA L E N T I N E S D AY #MEOWMEOW # K E LV I N F I LT E R

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@capcourier

caboose

JEREMY HANLON CABOOSE EDITOR

CABOOSE@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

our funny valentines Scott Moraes × Managing Editor

× Becky Joy

47 ISSUE N O . 16

“I wouldn't know.”

“We don't buy daily lattés, don't get drunk every weekend, we have no car insurance, rent is decent...”

“Maybe we save too much money. Maybe the wise thing is to spend most of what you make and have fun.”

“No. We save because it creates a safety net, not only in case we fall, but if we ever want to jump... you know.”

To the dull couple sitting a few feet from us, we are probably an incredibly entertaining pair to eavesdrop on. Must be why they keep staring.

We are a slice of Woody Allen-esque humour in the heart of a stiff, overpriced, white-table-clothed restaurant. Them, they haven't said a word to each other all night. On a night like this, not even the candle lights and the heart-shaped chocolate boxes can rekindle that particular flame.

On the way home, she asks me about the “jumping into the net” again. The safety net. Then, waiting for the bus, she calls work and leaves a message, quitting. It should have happened months ago, and I'm happy it took no hesitation.

We go home and wash the fancy food away with some Pringles and Coca-Cola, while watching some Meryl Streep movie. In bed, staring at her with some deep encrypted message, her eyes glisten back. We could've said it in unison: that without the poisonous varnish of standard-definition love, the pressures of religion or stale family values, we actually have it pretty good. We'll fall asleep like that, most nights. In silence. Not the awkward type, but the one that says what needs to be said, and nothing more.

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herself. She gives in to wildly neurotic theories of genetic determinism, of tightly-knit gender fates from which she can't escape. Even I, a fierce unbeliever, am drawn to believe people can change.

But it does take effort. The painful, sustained, determined kind of effort – I keep reminding her.

“You gotta stop comparing yourself – us – to the other people. We're all different...”

I knew that was a hollow term. “Different.”

I almost said unique, but we are not so unique.

We are beyond ordinary – we know it. We tell ourselves that with our creative selves muted, our deepest passions strangled for the sake of paying rent, we've allowed ourselves to be taken hostages.

Paralyzed in the solace of our fairly entitled families, we have no inspiration to take a leap of faith, run risks, fail a few times. We know, deep inside, that if we want to be truly different we need to reject the eerie comfort of our business dynasties.

The impending pressure of a family business, wedding, children, a rooted lifestyle – true adulthood beckoning to the fleeting youth.

The food gets to the table, and it exceeds expectations. This lightens everything up.

“Next time, we should order it to go,” she says.

“I don't think they do takeout.”

“That's dumb, why wouldn't they? People like us would order it all the time.”

“This is a $30 entrée. We can get a dozen pizzas for the cost of this entire meal.”

“Why do they have the best food in places like this? So only the rich can have it?”

“We're not rich. We just prioritize well.”

“Do we?”

“Don't we?”

×

ebration of true love, nothing but an unwelcome invitation to think and talk about the nature of commitments. Poorly timed invitation at that.

After feeling pity for those around us, we slip into the dark topics. We talk about all the relationships around us crumbling by the minute, and also about the picture-perfect ones, lined by expensive wedding photography, cute babies, and Sensodyne-sponsored smiles.

“Look at Rob and Jenna. They're so fucking perfect it sickens me,” she says. “Not everyone is doomed to fail.”

I know for a fact that Rob and Jenna are at a polar opposite to what the pictures may indicate. I've given him my word not to disclose certain secrets – the fact that the wedding is being called off when they grow the balls to tell all those invited, and the near certainty of their impending break-up. But for the sake of argument, I need their misery to catapult us into the range of normalcy, so I spill the beans.

“He's been cheating, he's told her – they're done. Fuck them and their selective Facebooked happiness. It's living in denial, they never fucking talk about anything, never tell each other what they need. Lovely people, but you can only get away with a million secrets for so long...”

She's shocked, and this backfires on me. She concludes, rather logically, that, “If even Rob and Jenna can't work it out, then no one can.” So we're all fucked, waiting our turn to be sucked into the vortex of reality and hurled at the doors of hell, broken and all alone.

I call her out on her unreasonable conclusions.

She's aware of her exaggerations and often blames

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“If he says it again, I'll quit without further notice, and he can hire one of those brainless teenagers to be his assistant manager. We'll see how he likes that.”

Most of her heartfelt complaints sound like ultimatums. She's fond of strong language, but she rarely means it to the word. She's taken abuse from the store manager more than a few times, each time threatening – never to his face – to walk out on his ungrateful, arrogant ass.

“We don't need to talk about this right now,” I assure her. “We'll go to Mulligan's tomorrow and do all the cleansing pub talk.”

“Tomorrow? Don't they have that shitty house band playing shitty Irish songs with terrible fake accents?”

“Maybe. We'll look it up. We can go somewhere else.”

“What do you wanna talk about then?” She's wise beyond her years, she's always the one to ask that particular question.

Sadly, excluding the routine complaints, we always struggle to find topics. Romantic, cute, lively topics. This is probably because we live together, we've done so for so many years; because our lives are repetitive and fairly bland, comfortable, and unadventurous; because the bitter stories outweigh the colourful ones. We struggle, but in our sharp sense of humour, we always end up finding something.

“I'm sorry about this place. I'd heard it was one of the best restaurants in town.” As we splurge on this exceptionally good, accordingly priced Namarata Bench bottle of wine, we can't say to be having an awful time.

“Never trust a restaurant in a fancy hotel,” she says with stern conviction, though this choice had been no surprise to her.

“The food will be amazing, though. And we will feel much better about ourselves when we're done people watching. Look at these people here, just look at them.”

Apart from a table of four single businesswomen having a blast, the place is littered with hardened valentines. Like fossils of something once beautiful and alive, but now frail and ready to crumble. I can't help it, but I shouldn't make assumptions.

Most interestingly, these people are much older than us, and are seemingly unaware of having their phones out the entire time. Not oblivious to each other, but not locking eyes while commenting on whatever they read or see on their screen.

At times, a funny picture, a few short-lived laughs.

“These people sleep with their phones between their legs,” I comment. “How are they supposed to have healthy relationships?”

“Do you think the phones are the cause or the consequence of their crisis?” These people were the traditional ones, the ones without enough creativity to plan something better, the ones doomed to boredom. We did not want to fit in, not here.

This whole plan was my fault, it was all about the food. All about my love for good food. Really, a truly thoughtful idea would've considered her passions rather than mine. But for me, for us, this is a day that is not at all holy, not at all a cel-

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caboose

JEREMY HANLON CABOOSE EDITOR

CABOOSE@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

SHOTGUN REVIEWS: THE FETISH EDITION

FURRIES

FEET

ZERO SUIT SAMUS

ADULT BABIES

Jeremy Hanlon // Caboose Editor

Anna L. Beedes // Former Love Guru

Michael Ros // Writer

Kristi Alexandra // Copy Editor

You ever get the intense urge to dress up as a mascot, then find other mascots and get your freak on? This is the world of furry, where every animal has human characteristics and enormous dongs. I don’t really know where to begin with this, really.

People will go to big conventions all dressed up as wolves and horses and cockatoos, and in private they’ll bang with their costumes still on. Or, if that isn’t really in the cards, they can always just dry hump in the open, affectionately referred to as “yiffing”. I’m not really sure what’s more weird: that people dress up in sexualized critter costumes and shag on the rug in their pelts, or that somewhere, some guy decided that “yiffing” was the obvious choice to name the new pastime. It sounds like the dry heaving a dog would do right after sniffing another dog’s butt. Actually, I guess it is pretty appropriate.

Has anyone ever insisted on giving you a big sloppy kiss immediately after taking your big toe out of their mouth? Well let me tell you, it is the ultimate turn on – if repulsion is your kind of thing. I dated this guy for three weeks, and one night, while getting down, he takes off my socks and starts rubbing my feet. I was mortified for two reasons: firstly because I was out of clean socks, so I had gone to the laundromat across the street and stolen two singles from their “Single and Lonely Sock Pile.” I had no idea whose feet sweat I’d been festering in all day. And secondly, because when I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he said he was “caressing the soles of [my] soul,” and proceeded moaning and sucking on them. I compulsively shivered out of disgust, and went into desperation mode. Immediately, lies began spouting from my mouth, like “I have a cold sore,” and, “There’s an invisible bunion on the left one,” and ran away from his place. I left my second-hand socks there.

Because of his foot-fetish, I’m pretty sure he will enjoy them more than I ever could.

Growing up and playing Super Smash Bros, I always had a thing for Samus. I couldn’t quite pin it down – something about her armour, how she fired missiles, those shoulders. You end up falling in love with a character like that. When Brawl came out and Zero Suit Samus became a thing it was game over. Game over for my nutrition, game over for my education, game over for the sock drawer. In fact, I was even fired for skipping work the next week – but I had over 500 snapshots of an armourless Samus on my Wii’s SD card, so the investment performed better than expected.

Eventually, it dawned on me that I needed to build a life-sized Samus suit. It took about eight months, but at the end of it I had a full-scale replica that only took about two hours for a girl to put on. It was a piece of art, and I broke world records those nights it was used. Girls, typically, would try and take the costume off mid-sex, to which I would ask, “Are you out of your fucking mind?” This has been detrimental (tangibly) to all my relationships.

When moving into my last house, my roommate had bought a single IKEA bed. For a 23-year-old woman, a single bed is essentially a crib – and as a joke she posted the photo of her bed on Instagram, hashtagging the word #adultbaby. Little did she know what kind of world she’d opened herself up to by clicking on that hashtag. Adult babies are basically the height of submissive fetishists … or, err, the lowest. From wearing diapers to being spoon fed pureed pears, adult babies want to be coddled and indulged, thereby being emasculated or dehumanized to the most base cognitive stage of a sexual being. If Freud were around when adult babies started doing their thing, he’d say “I told you so,” about all the tit-sucking and temper tantrums.

It’s not quite a humiliation fetish, though one can imagine there is some want for punishment if, say, an adult baby were to hurl their full diaper across the room… and that image is probably the number one reason I’d never date an adult baby.

× Christina Kruger-Woodrow W/ ANNA L. BEEDES SPERM THE ORIGINAL PROTEIN SHAKE R. KELLY COMEBACK BLACK PANTIES SELL OUT

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VICTORIA’S SECRET SHHH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS

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DRACO MALFOY I’D SLYTHERIN TO HIS BED STI SERIOUSLY TIMELY INFATUATIONS SEXY TIMES ANYTIME A BILL MURRAY MOVIE IS ON FAKING ORGASMS SHOULD BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT BIKE SEATS TOOK MY VIRGINITY ARE YOU SINGLE? WELL I THINK SO BLUE MAN BASEBALL TEAM THE BLUE BALLS