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× MARCH 10TH 2014

CAPILANO

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NORTH VANCOUVER

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N O . 20

COURIER

Pope Culture WHEN TRADITIONAL PRACTICES GET MODERNIZED ANGEL OLSEN

DISTILLERIES DRINK UP

BAD BOY BIEBER

LEAVING THE CFS?

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CAPILANO Courier 09

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features

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columns

Calendar

CABOOSE

Shakin' Up

Banging Bongos

Le'go My Lego

Drug Lords

Crimea River

Ruggish Thuggish

Nightmare Hags

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Katherine Gillard News Editor

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS:

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Capilanocourier.com

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Leah Scheitel Editor-in-Chief

CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS:

THE CAPILANO COURIER

@capcourier

04

The Staff

2

@capilanocourier

of this selfie-taking university paper.

Kristi Alexandra Copy Editor

Andy Rice Arts + Culture Editor

Cheryl Swan Art Director

Therese Guieb Features Editor

Andrew Palmquist Production Manager

Faye Alexander Opinions Editor

Jeremy Hanlon Caboose Editor

Scott Moraes Managing Editor

Carlo Javier Staff Writer

Ricky Bao Business Manager

Lindsay Howe Marketing + Web Editor

Alva Tee, Michael Ros, Gabriel Scorgie, Tomas Borsa, Amy Poulston, Brian Cameron, Erica Charron, Romila Barryman, Steve Tornes, Keara Farnan, Kevin Smith, Julia Gabriel, Kevin Kapenda

Josh Seinen, Alain Champagne, Cristian Fowlie, Megan Collinson, Ksenia Kozhevnikova, Arin Ringwald, Sydney Parent, Kristen Wright, Kelsey Holden, Crystal Lee, Cole Pauls

The Capilano Courier is an autonomous, democratically run student newspaper. Literary and visual submissions are welcomed. All submissions are subject to editing for brevity, taste, and legality. The Capilano Courier will not publish material deemed by the collective to exhibit sexism, racism or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier Publishing Society.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Are you there god? it's me, leah “We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in.

Some of us just go one god further.” - Richard Dawkins My relationship with God, like all others in my life, has suffered from turbulence. God and I have gone through stages of heavy dependence to completely not talking from the moment I was baptized. To be honest, I’m surprised that I was baptized, as religion never meant much to my mom or dad. When I asked my mom why she actually went through with it, she said it was to please my grandmothers, both of whom were devout Catholics. So I imagine that my baptism ceremony was similar to the one in Sex and the City, with my mom and four of her fabulous friends using it as an excuse to wear their church attire and go out for lunch. I’m sure this is a disillusion.

As both of my grandmothers were heavy into church, they would escort me growing up. And as a child, I remember enjoying it. My favourite part, of course, is when I got to eat some of the bread, but I did enjoy bending down to pray, and watching the families sing together. I guess it was the sense of community I enjoyed the most.

After spending the summer with my maternal grandmother in Saskatoon, and attending church regularly, I came home with a framed art piece of a little girl bending down to pray. It sat on my nightstand, and I would look at it every night. One evening, I felt the need to pray, so I took the gold frame and buried it in the horseshoe pit in the backyard. I wanted it to be my spot, and go out there when I felt the need to get spiritual. My mom found it the next day, smashed to bits after my brother and his friends had a particularly rough game of horseshoes. As a seven year old, this was sentimental and I took it as a sign that God sucked.

It was the first time that I remember doubting him. I also got into a wicked amount of trouble for burying an heirloom that my grandma gave me. This gave me more reason to doubt a divine power.

The rest of my childhood was pretty secular. My mom would take us to church on holidays, or if one of the godly grandmothers was in town, but other than that, Sunday mornings were for chores and shitty TV movies on TBS. I got pretty used to a secular lifestyle, and never heavily questioned my belief in God, for or against. It wasn’t until one particular time, when I escorted a grandmother to her church at Thanksgiving, that I was actually able to interpret the sermon for myself. And I realized that I fundamentally disagreed with everything that was being preached.

After that, I took to publicly arguing against religion. This was the part in our relationship where I played the vengeful ex-girlfriend, and would smack talk him to anyone who would listen. I was in my late teens at

Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief

this point, and refused to enter another church. If Grandma wanted to go, someone else had to take her. I didn’t enter another church until this past summer, for my grandmother’s funeral. It was the same church she took me to as a child during my summers in Saskatoon, and it looked a lot different under the sombre feeling of losing a loved one.

Two years ago, the God debate spurred again, and I wanted to question my own disbelief. I read many books on the subject, many penned by Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, both of whom led the crusade for atheism. I also read pro-religion books, and looked into documentaries supporting it. And I took Philosophy of Religion with Martin Godwyn as an extra credit, which is an interesting class. I suggest it to anyone who has an interest in the subject. Over the semester, the class debated on both sides of the religious war, but throughout it, my stance never changed. For years, my values had aligned with atheism, and this class just solidified it. I had to come out as an atheist.

My reason for my ongoing battle of whether to believe or not was because I can see the value in religion.

I can see the community it creates, and that it gives support to many people that need it. Life’s shitty at times, and if believing in a story of creation helps people get through it then, by all means, believe in it.

It gives many people hope, and hope is one of the greatest things to have. But can the community be created without the religion? Can people find hope in other things that are just as meaningful, and have healthy relationships with each other instead of a mythical being that likely doesn’t exist? I’d like to think that we can, and I also think that if we are going to progress as a society, we have to. We have to put our beliefs aside, and work on our relationships with each other. This is my way of saying that I think religion has absolutely no place in politics and should stay completely away from government. If we are going to move forward, we have to stop values that are millennia old for inspiration.

Admittedly, I believe that Pope Francis is a change that the Catholic Church desperately needed. From his Converse sneakers to the cover of Rolling Stone, he has demonstrated a willingness to work with the times we are in, and not oppose reform or be afraid of something new. He’s the first religious leader to non-oppose homosexuality, and that is a massive statement for the Catholic Church. But you can read about it all in this week’s feature, written by Steve Tornes. It’s all about the Pope, and why he’s a little more dope than the rest of them.

tweets from their seats

THE VOICE BOX

with: Scott Moraes

“When are Leah's cats Hank and Melissa going to make their grand appearance in the office?”

I don't think those are their names. And probably not anytime soon. We prize our couches and we would all be very, very sad if they all suddenly smelled like cat piss. I'm also sure that some of us, whether we know it or not, are allergic to cats.

“What's the best part of working at the Courier and did you guys get a free trip to Alberta in January or did you have to pay for part of it?”

“Cap very much reminds me of Greendale, minus the fun Dean and the anus flag. Do you think Cap should just drop the university schtick and full-on emulate Greendale?”

We like to kid ourselves that we're an actual University with a capital “U”, but really we're still just a community college up by the cemetery. And we sure act half-dead, don't we? Just kidding, spare me the hate mail. Plus, our study rooms are ridiculously small and people in it are ethnically homogenous and never seem to be having any fun. Like they're all Pierces and Brittas. Also 'cause most of them are business kids, and they need to learn a thing or two out of the classroom, don't they? There's more to life than straight As and six-figure salaries when you graduate. You don't know what it is, but I promise you, it's a rollercoaster ride a lot more exciting than a short-run marginal cost curve.

Strombone @strombone1 Thank you Vancouver for a great 8 years! Really appreciative of all the support especially the last little while. I will miss the LOOO'ing!!

Karm @VancityBuzz Luongo will always have a place in the hearts of #Canucks nation.

Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47 Instagram famous is the weirdest famous.

Josh Groban @joshgroban The oddest part of the whole "Adele Dazeem" intro is the audience applauds like "oh goody she's wonderful."

“BCIT is on spring break – does Cap even have one? Is 28 too old for Daytona Beach?”

MAYHEM @mayhemmiller GRAVITY WINS TONS OF OSCARS. NASA HAS NO FUNDING. GO USA.

You can make your own spring break. 82 isn't even too old for Daytona Beach. Go enjoy spring before it's over. Wait, is it even spring yet?

Miss Faye @thecellardoor_ I am in disbelief of the racism and ignorance I am having to sit through right now @DrPhil ... This is so upsetting.

House of Cards @HouseofCards Admit nothing. Take credit for everything.

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The Voicebox is back, ready to humbly respond to your questions, concerns, and comments about anything. To inquire, just send a text to 778 - 689 - 4642 to anonymously "express" and "voice" your "opinion" and "thoughts" on any "subject" or "issue". And, as long as it's not offensive, we will publish it here, right in the Voicebox. It's a win - win, or whine - whine - whatever way you look at it.

VOLUME

Kristi Alexandra @kristialexandra What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Basketball Diaries, Romeo & Juliet, Shutter Island ... COME ON PLEASE #Oscars

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God @TheTweetOfGod YES! YOU'RE WELCOME MATTHEW!

THE CAPILANO COURIER

Lord, who would ever willingly pay to go to Edmonton in January? Not any of us. It was paid for. The Courier's budget usually takes into consideration the costs of sending the staff to NASH, the annual conference of university newspapers. We wore toques, had good tacos and sang karaoke, but I'll tell you, Edmonton is a miserable place.

*

Leah Mae @MsElleMae Left the house with a bra but without my teeth. Feels supportive, but breezy. Life at 28.

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NEWS

KATHERINE GILLARD NEWS EDITOR

NEWS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

cheating students THE CONSEQUENCES OF BREAKING THE RULES While plagiarism was involved in more than 50 per cent of all of these cases, only 10 per cent of students were accountable for cheating on tests. The most common penalty for cheating or plagiarism in the past has been grade reduction, which means the student receives a zero on the assignment, or receives a failing grade in the entire course. In some cases, the offence was even marked down on the student’s transcript for permanent record.

“I do not know about cheating, per se, and why our students sometimes are cheating. With regards to plagiarism, some students have suggested to me that they have plagiarized because they are doing the assignment at the last minute and don’t have time to create something in his or her own words. Some have said that they didn’t understand the concept of plagiarism; some have said that they didn’t know how to cite properly,” says Haythorne.

Carleton University in Ontario is reported to have the highest rate with 607 cases. There were 286 incidents of cheating at the University of Manitoba.

“Each faculty member is different — the Internet has made it much easier for a faculty member to discover plagiarism. Some faculty [members] are using a program called Turnitin which makes it even

Keara Farnan × Writer On Feb. 25, CBC reported that over 7,000 Canadian university students were caught cheating in 2011 and 2012. CBC surveyed 54 Canadian universities about how many cases of cheating they have dealt with showing that only one per cent of their student population was affected by this cheating controversy throughout the country, with the University of Guelph accounting for 200 times more than the rest of Canada’s universities.

“As far as I know, no students at Capilano University have been kicked out for cheating this year,” says Marion Haythorne, manager of student affairs.

However, Julia Christensen Hughes, Dean of the college of management and economics at the University of Guelph in Ontario told CBC that over 50 per cent of Guelph’s students have admitted to various forms of cheating. Similarly, a hopeful law student from Manitoba told CBC that he did not regret cheating during an exam — he said that he only took a brief look at his notes while the professor was out of the room.

× Megan Collinson

“This year, [the administration has] only had to deal with incidents of plagiarism. Most commonly, students have taken information off the Internet and not cited it properly,” says Haythorne.

Hughes told CBC that she feels students should be trustworthy and responsible for producing their own work as no instructor or administrator wants to punish him or her for breaking the code of conduct.

easier for professors to discover plagiarism,” says Haythorne.

In a 2006 study for Guelph University, Hughes said that class size could make it difficult for an instructor to determine if, in fact, a student is cheating or plagiarizing. Hughes said that if a teacher is not familiar with their students’ writing it could be especially hard to detect a cheater.

The risk of not finding cheating students can have serious consequences. For each university degree to have value, a student must engage him or herself with the curriculum of their program in order to obtain a level of expertise. If a student cheats then they have not reached this level.

“If a student is caught cheating once, his or her punishment will depend on the circumstance of their situation,” concludes Haythorne.

“Students, in fact, do have the right of appeal if they’re wrongly accused of cheating or plagiarizing and can provide some evidence to prove themselves not guilty,” says Haythorne.

For information on Capilano University’s Senate Policy on cheating and plagiarism visit Capilanou.ca/advising

cooplearn NEW WEBSITE HELPING STUDENTS GET THROUGH SCHOOL TOGETHER Kevin Smith

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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A newly developed website hit the market recently — Cooplearn.org provides students the ease of collaborating with one another in order to get through the challenges of academia. Co-founder and recent master’s graduate Bassil Eid knows what it takes to get through school and the hard pressures he faced during his six years of education.

“School should not be a lonely venture, it should be something that is embarked on with peers,” said Eid in a recent interview. Eid believes that students should be in constant collaboration with each other as they go through school. “When students are in constant contact about their assignments and exam topics, they no longer stress about not getting the assignments done, but actually focus on learning the material,” he stated.

This finding is actually from Eid’s personal experience, when he was attaining his master’s degree, which inspired him and his team to develop Cooplearn. “The first semester in my master’s degree was extremely difficult because I did it all by myself without any support from classmates or friends. In

× Ksenia Kozhevnikova my second semester, the master’s students banded together and there was never the fear of not submitting an assignment as we did school-related tasks

together. This allowed me to actually focus on learning class material.”

Eid explains that the core function of Cooplearn centres on virtual study rooms. Examining the study room, one quickly realizes its purpose. It’s an environment where students collaborate on assignments, share notes, review past exams, post about their troubles and questions related to the course, and much more. But what separates Cooplearn from other content and note-sharing platforms like Dropbox, Yahoo! Answers or even the LMS platforms found at universities?

“Each study room is directly related/linked to the student’s specific class that they are taking, through course code, name and exclusivity of the students in that class. Other question-and-answer websites are just a free-for-all mash-up of questions and answers.

Cooplearn provides structure and organization, allowing the student the ease of finding specific topics and courses which are relevant to them coming together with other students who face similar problems,” Eid says.

“Those online environments are driven by the professor which, in turn, hinders participation from students as they fear ‘Big Brother’ is watching.

Meanwhile, Cooplearn provides that online environment replacing the professor with a peer student which, in turn, removes the fear and allows for the comfort of discussion and participation,” Eid adds.

An array of mechanisms has been added to the website to combat the inevitable concerns related to plagiarism and “free-riding” in the student-led study rooms. “[Free-riding] is an issue we have really researched and examined,” says Eid. “Students do have the ability to create study rooms [that] are private, and they are able to close [the study room] off to students who, let's say, aren't sufficiently contributing to the discussion. So, the students have the control within this environment. We try to mimic a real-life environment online, so, like in real life, you can go off with a group of friends that you choose and exclude those who may ‘free-ride.’”

As post-secondary costs are constantly on the rise and the need to attain high-levels of academic excellence become crucial in order to remain competitive in a challenging decade, Cooplearn comes along to provide a form comfort for those feeling the pressures of school and upcoming working life.

Fostering a fun and collaborative environment to all students, Cooplearn believes the future of education should be one where education is at the centre — and not the stresses of academic excellence. “It’s a given that university will always pose an immense challenge to many students,” says Eid. “It’s not a given that these students should have to face that challenge on their own.”

what's new with the csu

covered by Leah Scheitel

SENATE MEETING

CSU BOARD MEETING

On March 4, the university held a senate meeting. Among the issues discussed was the lack of student nominations for seats on the Senate and the Board of Governers. The Senate stressed the importance of the student voice, and therefore has extended the nomination period. The nominations close on March 11 at 4 p.m. For more information, visit CapilanoU.ca/board-elections.

The CSU held a Board of Directors meeting on March 5. Among the issues discussed were details for the Spring Fling on March 20, along with the Queer Film Fest in April. The board passed a motion allowing up to $600 to be spent on a popcorn machine for CSU events. The CSU also passed a proposal and outline for a five-year strategic plan for the CSU. The plan includes details for growth in various areas, such as student culture and strong relations with the university administration and other student unions in the area. The CSU Semi-Annual General Meeting will be held on March 13. For more details on any of that, visit Csu.bc.ca.

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news

five days for the homeless A CHANGE IN THE ANNUAL CAMPAIGN Carlo Javier × Staff Writer The Five Days for the Homeless campaign started at the University of Alberta and it gained nationallevel participation in 2008. It isn’t a new event at Capilano University either — it’s been going on for years. The event’s purpose is to raise money for the homeless and for at-risk youth, and it has become an annual mainstay event in many schools across the nation.

Last year’s iteration is noted for its successful fundraising at CapU. However, in this year’s campaign, fundraising is going to be seeing drastic changes.

“Previous campaigns have basically consisted of two main components, one is a visual and the other is dialogue and discussion inducing,” begins Spencer McMurray, coordinator for the event. “They’ll have five days, which is similar to what we’re doing, Monday through Friday. Each day will be a different topic relating to homelessness, they would bring in a set of speakers, facilitators and maybe do a screening,” McMurray adds.

The campaign also normally involves a representative from the North Shore Youth Safe House, the organization that the program usually donates its proceeds to. “They would have another component where people would sleep outside,” explains Mc-

× Cristian Fowlie Murray. “It would be students, four or five or six depending on faculty, and administration and that would be the mainstay of Five Days, it would be those kids trying to raise awareness for homelessness by, in a sense, replicating it.” McMurray’s motivation to change the concept of CapU’s version of Five Days pertains to the effects of replication.

This year’s Five Days campaign will mark a stark difference from last year’s, when students were able to replicate the daily lives of homeless people. This year’s version will not have this feature due to some complaints that were put forth. “Whenever I was approached by a student who wanted to sleep outside, they would come to me and say ‘I want to sleep outside,’ and I’d ask why, and every single one

of them say they want to replicate homelessness,” explains McMurray. “I personally don’t believe that that is an appropriate way to raise awareness about homelessness, by replicating it. If you were a queer advocate and you dress up as trans-[person] to try and raise awareness, I think that would offend a lot of people, so why pretend to be homeless to do the same thing? It’s just as offensive,” he adds.

More than fundraising, this year’s goal is to build and maintain a safe environment at CapU where housing insecurities and instabilities can be discussed on a proper platform. McMurray likens the situation to what the Queer Collective has done — create a dialogue about a certain topic that calls for discussion.

“The main thing I’m trying to do this year is kind of make it about students, make everybody realize, I want to create a safe space to talk about our housing insecurity issues and homeless issues because I think a lot of students actually suffer from that,” he says.

One of the notable things about CapU’s state with housing is that it’s a problem that could be hard to quantify. “[The housing insecurity problem] is something we don’t really know because there hasn’t really been a collective survey or discussion, which is one of the things Five Days will focus on,” says McMurray.

There are many factors to housing issues that students can face. Tuition, the cost of living and other

daily necessities all add up to a cost that can severely limit the financial freedom of a student.

McMurray is a believer that, as a post-secondary institution, CapU has room to grow in terms of providing aid for students in need. “We have a couple bursaries and programs, there’s an emergency bursary fund, which is not talked about. I think if that was made into more awareness by the Financial Aid and Awards registrar department, I guess more people would have an outlet because they could potentially go and get funds for their food and rent,” he says.

Despite homeless insecurities being a clear money-related issue, this year’s Five Days for the Homeless aims to move past the financial aspect and into a realm where the school can provide an environment that can help students in need.

“I guess the main kernel of what it was, and has always been, about is money and raising money, and not so much about raising awareness and dialogue with students about homelessness, homeless issues and housing insecurities,” McMurray adds.

CapU’s Five Days for the Homeless will run from March 10 to 14 and will feature programs such as a quilt raising ceremony as well as a youth homelessness count.

the cfs debate THE GROWING POSSIBILITY OF THE CSU LEAVING THE CFS Katherine Gillard × News Editor

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Alliance of B.C. Students began to take shape. The creation of a loose alliance of schools who really had numbers proved that there were more effective and beneficial ways for student activism to take place.”

Students at CapU may also be unaware of the benefits of being a member of the CFS; however, in the past the CFS has sent members to schools during the time that a school was trying to pull out of the CFS. These members could be from anywhere from Newfoundland to B.C. — which is a lot of universities that could potentially be involved.

“Given that the ‘Vote Yes’ campaign will be endorsed and funded by a multi-million dollar organization, the Capilano Students’ Union will be working with its members to ensure a fair process,” says Prakash. “As the Capilano Students’ Union stands behind our members, the CSU is encouraging our members to vote ‘no’ to the CFS because the CFS's campaigns are also not relevant to Capilano being a teaching-focused university, our members have unique needs.”

“Cap students are not getting a bang for their buck. It speaks volumes [that] we were collecting petition signatures that the majority of Capilano students have never even heard of the CFS — yet they pay semester fees to them,” adds Grant. “Students may be concerned that by leaving the CFS, they will no longer have access to important environmental and social campaigns. However, the CSU already matches many of their campaigns and are able to personalize them to better suit our campus and issues.”

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never questioned our membership since we joined over a decade ago. I think we need to leave because we have outgrown this organization and need to put our time and resources into more progressive and impactful organizations,” says Grant. “The CFS is so engrained in their ways that changing the organization within has proved impossible for those that have tried, and now the most progressive thing we can do is bring our energy elsewhere.”

Kwantlen Polytechnic University’s students sent in a petition to CFS BC to leave the CFS recently.

The student union at Kwantlen did not take a stance but did support the students by sending the petition in to be reviewed by CFS BC, which is currently working with the registrars at Kwantlen to ensure all signatures are legitimate students who did not sign multiple times.

“As it stands, representatives of the Kwantlen Student Association actively block representatives of the executive committee and the federation from getting on campus … and talking to members oneon-one about the benefits of membership,” Katie Marocchi, chairperson of the CFS BC told the Runner in an interview. “Unfortunately we haven’t had access to space booking and table booking for quite some time.”

“The Capilano Students’ Union has grown substantially in the last several years, both in its budget and abilities, to offer more to students. These thoughts developed as Simon Fraser University, University of Victoria and Kwantlen all had votes on continued membership,” Grant argues. “Shortly after successful departures by SFU and UVIC, the

THE CAPILANO COURIER

In September 2013, over 15 universities across the country began the process to end their membership in the Canadian Federation of Students (CFS) — a national union founded in 1981 to provide students with a unified voice to address various issues. The CFS exists both nationally and provincially, which means the CSU is a member of both CFS BC as well as the CFS. According to the CFS’s website, “No individual students’ union, no matter how big or active, has the resources or the political clout to effectively influence the post-secondary education policies of the provincial and federal governments on its own.

At best, an individual student union could have an impact on only a few federal electoral ridings.”

However, there are still student unions across Canada that have left their provincial and national membership with the CFS. Leaving the CFS can take a while. Signature requirements on petitions to leave CFS BC and CFS federally are different, and then the CFS needs to review the signatures with the registrar at the institution before it can be approved.

“Of course, the number one reason is simply the CFS does not want its members to leave. Capilano brings in over $100,000 per year in fees and it is one of the larger schools left in B.C. that is a part of the federation. The more difficult and bureaucratic they make it, the more difficult and tedious the process

becomes,” says Teresa Grant, the student who began Capilano’s petition.

“For instance, since the beginning of our journey of initiating a referendum we have made every possible endeavour of following the rules by the book.

Consulting a lawyer from the get go, we wanted to make sure that we made no mistakes. Even though I say with confidence we met every expectation fairly and timely, we still had many hurdles and difficulties in getting to a position where we knew we would get the referendum to go ahead.”

Students at Capilano signed a petition last year to leave the CFS because they have been paying for membership even though they don’t feel they are being represented appropriately.

“As of March fifth … the Capilano Students’ Union Board of Directors is endorsing the ‘No’ side of the referendum. This means that the CSU is encouraging students to vote ‘no’ — which is a vote to leave the Canadian Federation of Students during the referendum, between March 24 and March 28,” says Natasha Prakash, the CSU’s spokesperson regarding the CFS. “When the petitions were sent to both organizations for verification, the CFS refused to acknowledge our members' wishes, a receipt confirmed delivery through a signature and GPS coordinates. It is only after the CSU sought litigation that the CFS acknowledged our petitions. While the registrar's office has been diligent with working on verifying the petition, the CFS stalled the process,” she continues.

“I think students need to vote because we have

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arts + Culture Special by Andy Rice

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× Cheryl Swan

THE CAPILANO COURIER

ARTS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

all in good spirits

Walk into the tasting room of any one of Vancouver’s micro-distilleries and it is instantly apparent that craft spirits are becoming a hot commodity locally.

“I think it’s that whole thing in general, you want to know where it’s made,” says Gordon Glanz, founder and distiller of Odd Society Sprits. “You want to know exactly where it comes from, you want to see the process.”

“It’s not just in distilling and brewing — it’s in all walks of our lives,” adds business partner and fellow distiller Joshua Beach. “You see a real resurgence of going back to local foods and local community and supporting your local businesses, and from my perspective it just makes sense.”

Last October, Odd Society became the latest among a wave of craft spirits producers popping up in Vancouver. The Liberty Distillery on Granville Island was the first to register four years ago, while Long Table Distillery was the first to open to the public, having celebrated its one-year anniversary in February. There are several others around Greater Vancouver as well, and a host of new submissions in the cue.

Distilleries must undergo a lengthy application process before their doors can open. With significant red tape surrounding liquor laws, and zoning permits uniquely tailored to their various locations of choice, the race to the finish was anybody’s game.

“We anticipated that the process would’ve taken us about two years to move through and then we’d go on,” says Liberty’s general manager Lisa Simpson. “I mean, it was just a Pandora’s Box once we started.

We were originally first out of the gate and we watched the others kind of slide by.”

Rezoning a building near Railspur Alley and adapting it to meet the safety requirements of an F1 high-hazard rating was admittedly “a nightmare,” but one she assures was worth it for the exposure and other factors. “Granville Island is a tourist destination so we do see six to seven million tourists who come through here [every year]. We’re seeing already a ton of our guests who come in are all on foot, living in the neighbourhood, they’re coming down to access the public market, so it’s a natural fit. We really wanted

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ANDY RICE ARTS + CULTURE EDITOR

VANCOUVER'S CRAFT DISTILLERY SCENE to be part of a neighbourhood and create a real fun community vibe.”

Long Table's Charles Tremewen ran into some challenges as well, after choosing a location on the corner of Hornby Street and Beach Avenue. “We had to re-zone here which was not exactly the easiest thing for us to do, probably quite foolish, but nonetheless we wanted an inner-city location to build a cocktail culture in Vancouver,” he says. “We didn’t want to be in the 'burbs or in a warehouse or in some remote location where it might not be appropriate to come have a drink or chill out or learn about spirits, which tend to be a little more domesticated than a lot of the alcohols that are out there. This is where the bartenders are, this is where the people are, so this is where spirits are.”

Glanz and Beach managed to avoid a few rezoning challenges for Odd Society by finding a pre-approved location in East Vancouver. “There’s only about three [areas] in the city that have the right zoning to be a distillery unless you go through a rezoning process,” explains Glanz. “We looked over a year before we found a place.”

And although there weren’t many breaks to be had when it came to getting each of their distilleries up and running, the four operators did run into an unexpected bonus from the B.C. Liquor Control and Licensing Branch once they did.

“The province has come around and supported the endorsement of the lounge license so instead of just selling spirits and doing tasting samples we were able to secure our lounge license,” explains Simpson.

“It wasn’t actually a part of what we originally had in our business plan but it’s a nice part,” says Tremewen. “It gives people an opportunity to try our product in a setting and to purchase as well, so it’s kind of a dual thing.”

“We couldn’t have timed it better,” says Glanz. “This whole new craft designation thing gives you some real benefits, so it becomes a more viable business. We’re allowed to have a lounge endorsement; we’re allowed to sell directly to bars and restaurants. That kind of stuff means that you can actually survive as a business.”

Both Odd Society Spirits and the Liberty Distillery are 100 per cent craft certified, which means they use only B.C.-grown grains and botanicals, do all of their fermenting on site, distill using traditional methods and refrain from using neutral grain spirits. “We want to be able to control the process the entire way through, and I think it’s no different than building a house,” explains Simpson. “If you start with your foundation, you can control the foundation and everything else going in — you’re controlling the entire process, not bits and pieces along the way.”

Liberty’s products include Truth Vodka — made from wheat

from the Peace River region, Railspur No 1 White — an un-aged “white” whiskey crafted from barley, and the soon-to-be released Endeavour Gin. An aged whiskey called Trust is currently reaching maturity in barrels.

Odd Society markets an East Van Vodka, made from malted barley to contribute flavour, and a Creme de Cassis — a black currant liqueur popular in France as a digestif or in cocktails. White whiskey, moonshine and gin are also in the works.

Specializing in gin, Tremewen has opted to use neutral grain spirits as a base for most of Long Table’s products, although there is a mash tun on site that is used for some creations. “Ninety-five per cent of craft gin producers in North America use neutral grain spirit as an ingredient to the base,” he explains. “Because we build our botanicals over top of that, it’s the way we can keep a consistent product and gin lovers don’t like a lot of diversity in their gin. They like to know what they’re getting so that’s our job is to retain consistency. It’s very difficult to do.

There are a few distilleries in B.C. that actually do it from scratch but it’s hit-and-miss a little bit.”

In addition to a London Dry-style gin, Long Table has a bourbon cask variety currently in barrels, as well as a vodka filtered through Texada Island limestone.

Tremewen has also teamed up with a local winery to produce a mark — similar to a grappa and made from B.C. grapes. A cucumber gin and a Scandinavian-style aquavit have also made appearances in his tasting room.

Each micro-distillery has its own unique style that stems from not only the distiller at the helm, but the unique methods they use. Part of the fun for customers is being able to watch a master at work on any given day, creating spirits in small batches right before their eyes.

“A lot of the process is the same as in a brewery,” explains Beach. “Right up to the end of fermentation it’s very similar and then after fermentation that’s where it weaves a bit and we go into the stills and boil it, as opposed to going into filtration and bottling and all that sort of thing.”

That’s also where the public can get confused.

“I think the biggest thing right now that you observe is they see equipment or you see craft and they’ll immediately say, ‘What are you brewing?’ and they’re not aware that no, we’re distilling, and so there’s a little bit of an education piece,” says Simpson. “There’s still groundwork but I think people are really open — they’re curious, they’re asking the questions, and they are just latching onto it.”

“Vancouver has never had this before so even though we have a vast number of people here, the challenge is I don’t think there’s the education yet, so all of us are educating up the public,” explains Tremewen.

Unlike the craft beer industry, which found traction in Portland, Oregon in recent decades and moved progressively north, craft spirits have been a little slower in

coming. “We’re definitely lagging behind what’s going on in Oregon and Washington,” says Glanz. “Washington could have about 80 distilleries now. The number just keeps exploding.”

“There’s no question, we’re easily 10 years behind [the States], if not more,” says Simpson. “Vancouver has the most number of distilleries, not just in B.C. but relative to the rest of the country, so it’s picking up. It’s in the last 30 years that the craft brewing industry has completely exploded and taken off, which actually has helped us because people are now aware of craft.”

Young people are part of the reason for that heightened awareness.

“University and college students are surprisingly up on craft,” says Tremewen. “If I had that option growing up I would’ve taken advantage of it.... It may be slightly more in price but at the end of the day it’s a local product, it’s sustainable, it’s supporting the local economy and it’s damn-good tasting.”

“You see it already on the service side of things,” says Beach. “You see all the young bartenders are working doing their own tinctures and macerating different botanicals into spirits and playing with those flavours....

That’s the start with those types of experiments, also with designing cocktails. I see it like this big long chain of input from young people all the way from consumers to production, and that will grow as time goes on.”

“Even the educational centres are starting to recognize this is where younger people are going as well,” says Simpson, adding that Kwantlen Polytechnic University recently announced a new brewing and brewery operations program. “There’s opportunities to become distillers, there’s opportunities on the production side, certainly for bartending.”

And there are opportunities for more craft distilleries as well — in fact, competition is seemingly welcomed by those currently on the scene. “People know what they like,” says Tremewen. “They’re going to buy from where they like a product, so at the end of the day we can’t control that, none of us can. Every distillery is going to have its own fans and people who want to keep coming back and buying the same product and talking about the same product and spreading the word about the product. We want fans to turn into evangelists; that’s our hope anyways, and I think in having more distilleries there’s a synergy there that will evolve out of that.”

“Portland, as an example, has Distillery Row in the downtown core which creates a synergy amongst people coming to visit the city,” he continues. “They drop in and they check things out and they purchase some spirits if they like them and not if they don’t, and off they go.”

Simpson sees no reason why one can’t exist in Vancouver as well. “It’s like that old story if you have three gas stations on the corner they’ll all do much better in business because you track more people,” she says. “We do support one another and recognize the fact that the more distilleries that are available, then we will create our own distillery row here in Vancouver.”

arts + Culture

bongo nation HAND DRUMS MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief Working with his hands is something that Kris Maxwell is used to. As a fire fighter and tree planter, he is more than familiar with a little dirt under the nails and hefty calluses on his palms. But these calluses help him make drums — beautiful, detailed drums carved entirely by hand.

What started as a musical hobby six years ago has morphed into a craft and a passion. “The year before was my 30th birthday and I decided I wanted to learn a musical instrument because growing up — the environment that I grew up with — arts weren’t really a big thing to be pushed,” he explains. “There wasn’t much creative time musically or artistically. So I started playing a drum, and of course I broke my first skin on my drum and had no idea how to do it, but figured I could build a smaller drum to fit the broken skin, so I wouldn’t jones out and could still play.”

Since then, Maxwell has crafted over two dozen drums. From salvaging the wood, to drying it properly and carving it all, a drum can take anywhere from two to five years to finish. “The start of the process of a drum is to find the piece of wood.

It’s usually all salvaged for me. I don’t take down a tree just for a drum,” he starts. “From there, it comes home and it usually will sit until the winter, or until the humidity kind of rises and the temperature drops. You can’t carve a green piece of wood in the summer, because when you expose it to the air, it will just crack right before your eyes, basically, and turn into firewood.”

After waiting until the right carving season,

Maxwell does the initial carving, taking anywhere from 20 to 40 hours per drum, depending on the type of wood. “When a piece is rough carved, it goes into the drying process, which is a slow, slow curing process, where you put it in garbage bags, or some kind of sealed plastic, and put one piece of newspaper in there and change it every three days.

And you do that until all the moisture is moved out of the piece of wood.”

After the drying process, Maxwell says it’s stable enough to begin the detail carving. “From that point, I will take a rough carved shell that’s dried and then put anywhere from – a small djembe drum will take 20 hours of carving, to get the shell to a finished product. From there, I will spend maybe another 20 hours roping it and making it really nice with the fabric and roping, and skinning it and another 10 hours over time tuning it for a month or two,” he says. “It’s probably quicker watching paint dry.”

The good thing about the long process is that Maxwell has drums in every stage of production, enabling him to never get bored or tired of the project. “So I have something to work on at every stage if I wanted. You spend a lot of time, but it’s broken up between a lot of drums. You can’t just do one drum start to finish. You have to stop, which is how you create. They take so long that they progress through, and you just sort of see things because you spend so much time with them,” says Maxwell.

For Maxwell, making the drums is the easy part; it’s selling them that’s more difficult. His drums have a general price tag of around $800, but with all the man hours and thought that goes into each one, it sometimes hard to present their

value properly. Currently, most of Maxwell’s business is through word of mouth, but though online avenues such as Etsy he’s able to broaden his market. Another impeding factor to a booming bongo business is fatherhood. With three boys under the age of two, spare time is a luxury for Maxwell and his partner, Marie-eve. But one thing’s for sure — the boys are going to love growing up in a house where drumming and noise making is actually encouraged. “I think that’s every kid’s dream, to grow up in a house with drums,” he says. “I always remember not being allowed to play with the plastic ones when I had them.”

Maxwell’s business name, Bongo Nation, sprouted from where most good ideas do — a hangover. “[My friend] John, who was the first person who ever introduced me to a djembe, we had arrived in camp and were feeling a little exuberant. We got carried away one night, and were wailing away on the djembes. When we came [to work] in the morning, we were a little hungover and old Graeme there, the company owner, started giving us crap like only he could. He’s like, ‘Hot Damn, Maxwell, I’m trying to sleep all night, and it’s like goddam bongo nation out there all goddamn night.’ It just kind of stuck with us,” Maxwell explains.

Moving forward, Maxwell wants to keep progressing with his business and upping his game.

He says his next project will be stand-up studio drums. While still African-inspired, they are going to be his own interpretation and will have other influences as well. If they’re anything like his other pieces, they’ll likely be a hit — for a guy who only started making drums six years ago, he’s gone and carved himself a pretty solid reputation.

x Marie -eve Lavigne

Whose Life is it anyway?

CONVEYING A MESSAGE THROUGH THE STAGE Carlo Javier × Staff Writer

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gan researching the disability from an actor’s perspective. “I first encountered this story as a film, starring Richard Dreyfuss,” he says. “I was three semesters into my theatre training when the accident happened, and so I was looking for material, where the content was about disability, or the actor had a personal disability, just to see what was out there. I didn’t know what my future held as an individual with a disability, and as an actor.”

For Sanders, the script provided an inspiration, and a strong source of positivity. “There are a few things going on,” he begins. “One, it’s a story about a person who didn’t have control over his limbs, but boy did he have control over his mind.”

Sanders was 21 when he first encountered Whose Life Is It Anyway?. At the time, he didn’t find it appropriate for himself to produce or star in the play, considering that it featured a main character

label as the “Courage to Continue” award.

“When I was first injured I was 20 years old, and I had a lot of energy and a lot of strength, a lot of determination about what I thought was a long life ahead of me,” he explains. “But over the years there’s been more than one obstacle, and having a spinal injury is not just about that one moment of recovery, it’s about dealing with all sorts of pivotal points in life.”

Sanders lists finding his wife and having a child amongst these pivotal points, things that he wouldn’t have pictured at the age of 20.

“I couldn’t imagine wanting to be a father at 20, let alone a father with a disability at 20,” Sanders says. “It’s really confirming to be recognized as an individual that’s not only surviving, but thriving, despite some really unfortunate circumstances.”

Whether being used as a vehicle for cerebral storytelling, or just pure entertainment, Sanders believes that the arts ultimately provide a great way to bring dialogue to all sorts of issues on the planet. “It’s these moments that have the potential to [appeal] to people and come out of a theatre with a new sense of appreciation, understanding or thinking, and I think that’s the way change comes about,” he says.

“For me I think that’s something that’s exciting to share with the community — something that goes a lot deeper than just my own interest as an artist.”

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Art is a medium that can be used to convey the feelings, thoughts and messages of a creator. Sometimes, it can also be used to bring awareness to an issue that is not prominent in the masses. Both are the case with Whose Life Is It Anyway?, the Tony award-winning play by Brian Clark — soon to be brought to Vancouver by Realwheels Theatre, led by its founding Artistic Director James Sanders.

“The story is about a sculptor who becomes a quadriplegic from a car accident, and who is dissatisfied with his physicality and his possible future,” explains Sanders. “He fights for the right to be discharged from the hospital, knowing that it will end his life.”

Whose Life Is It Anyway? tackles serious and grim topics such as accidents, disabilities and death, but the play is also noted for its presentation of wit and compassion. In fact, there are several themes that surround its storyline. For Sanders, the most prominent one is not about death but, instead, freedom. “I think the issues are more than just fighting for the right to die, or the case of assisted death or assisted suicide. It’s really about the individual taking control and taking charge of their own life — whether they choose to live or they choose to die, it’s the individual’s responsibility in taking control,” he says.

Part of the reason Sanders holds the play close to his heart is that he himself is a quadriplegic.

Shortly after a spinal cord injury in 1990, he be-

in his 40s. Four years ago, he finally revisited the project.

The 20 years of patience and waiting for the right time has not only given Sanders a better platform — his theatre company, Realwheels, is producing it — but those two decades have also provided him with a deeper understanding of the story.

“Learning about what it means to me now, 20 years later, it’s now much more than disability itself,” he says. “It’s really more about the universal issue of all of us, having the right to choose our destiny if we are placed in the position where we are near the end of our lives.”

However, the process of production did not exactly come without its hitches. For the last couple of years, Sanders has been in and out of the hospital due to health issues related to his disability, and these circumstances have resulted in him becoming unable to perform in the play. In spite of that, Sanders saw a positive side to the predicament.

“So now what’s happening is that there’s another actor that’s performing this role, and when I sat down in the reading of this play, on the first day of rehearsal, it became really clear to me that this is now going even beyond my first impulse to want to do something about disability and my second impulse of wanting do something about the right to die, and now it’s something even bigger,” he explains. “It’s about a group of fantastic, awardwinning artists getting together and realizing my vision, even though I’m not able to fulfill it myself.”

Last year, Sanders received the Courage to Come Back Award, an honour that he prefers to

7

Sports shorts

after the buzzer BASKETBALL SEASON ENDS Carlo Javier × Staff Writer Both the men’s and women’s basketball squads of Capilano University reached the end of their season after losses during the provincial tournaments. The women’s Blues basketball team suffered elimination after losing to Douglas College 82-58 in their quarter-final match up. As for the men’s team, the boys fell short of reaching the podium after losing the bronze medal game to Quest University 95-77.

Guard John Leong voiced his slight disappointment, as the team collectively believed that they were strong enough to at least score a medal. En route to the bronze medal game, the MBlues defeated Camosun College 71-67 but did lose in the semi-finals to the number one ranked team in the country, Langara College 91-76.

The battle against Langara marked the fourth time the MBlues had to play the nation’s top team.

“Like our past two games against Langara College, we gave them a game in the first half and were only down six at halftime,” begins Leong. “Unfortunately, the third quarter is where we struggle and

on point Elise Horton Elise Horton is a household name in CapU's school of communications. Currently in her last year of the Bachelor of Communications program, Horton's main interests include basketball, not wearing socks and Russell Brand. Now that basketball is over for the year, you can find her hanging out in the Women's Centre most hours of the day, usually napping or participating in life chats.

where they excel. They outscored us by 20 points and ultimately we weren't able to overcome that deficit in a come back attempt. To lessen the pain, Langara were the eventual Provincial Champions.”

Neither of the basketball squads wound up qualifying for Nationals.

Falling short of their goals did not entirely cloud the positivity of the teams, however. Leong, for one, understood that despite the loss, the teams still had an overall enjoyable season. “I would have to say that despite the ups and downs and disappointing finish, this season was a lot of fun, as basketball should be,” says Leong.

He further emphasizes that, ultimately, athletes play their sport out of their love for it. “At the end of the day I think that high-level competitive athletes forget why they are playing the game — and that is because they like it.”

Favourite professor in CapU? Michael Markwick

Celebrity Crush?

Josh Holloway

If you were to be reincarnated, what would you be?

An elephant

What is your dream job?

To be a pig whisperer

Favourite Sandra Bullock movie?

Crash Favourite blended drink?

Mixed Berry Orange Julius Your go-to coffee shop?

Tim Horton’s, gotta represent my last name.

#CAPCOURIER @CAPILANOCOURIER

...and the award for the Best Reenactment of the Oscar Selfie goes to...

Us. Who else? @cherilleswan @theeereeese @fawnaflorafaye @kristialexandra @andyricemusic @kaatgee @mrcarlojavier @schei_schei @andarsaladfarts @capcourier

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#OscarPictorious #OscarSelfie #CapEdition

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What do you do on tuesdays at 12pm?

Nothing? that's cool. come visit our story meetings. find us next to the Maple dumpster .

What will you miss most about CapU basketball?

The exercise, it keeps my body looking sensual

FEATURES

THERESE GUIEB FEATURES EDITOR

S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

brick by brick LEGO BEYOND A CHILDHOOD TOY Romila Barryman × Writer

"Some had given Lego up as kids and came back to use it either as an architectural product, a creative game or just for the fun of building."

× Alain Champagne

“Leg godt” or “Play Well” was the ideology Ole Kirk Christiansen used to build his toy company in 1932. This Danish phrase inspired the name for what is now the worlds third-largest toy manufacturer. The most prominent product the company produces is one that is a norm for generations growing up — the Lego brick. However, the unlimited building possibilities of the Lego brick were introduced in 1958, over 25 years after the company’s inception. Now with the release of Lego: The Movie, the revival of Lego has been introduced among adults. The use of Lego ranges from being an architectural tool to therapeutic use for children with disorders.

THE BLOCK BUSTER

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The prominent reds, yellows, blues and greens can pull even the eldest from a crowd, but for children with autism and other neurobehavioral disorders, the pieces of plastic are especially engaging and even create a gateway to better behaviour in shar-

Growing up, Chum was an avid Lego builder and a creative enthusiast, but never thought of one day using it to connect to the next generation.

“I only had a few sets but it was cherished but subsequently, I put it away,” he admits. “When my nephew was born, we brought it back out and he started building some really cool stuff.” The choice in products didn’t fit just the sole interest of the tyke, but it was something that Chum could engage in with his nephew. “I wanted to find sets that were of interest to both of us,” he laughs. “It was really about finding stuff for him, but for me as well.” Fast forward a few years later and Chum becomes uncle to a new niece. “She’s maintained the interest a lot longer than he has,” he says, giv-

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BUILDING BLOCKS FOR BUILDING BLOCKS

CONNECTING WITH LEGO

ing the chance to flourish a bond that could only be recreated in a shared childhood.

At the age of five, Chum’s niece was diagnosed with cancer and was in the Make A Wish program where Chum had the ability to connect with the Vancouver Lego Club. “When we actually started working with [the] Make A Wish program, it was an interesting way to give back to raise money by using the talent and skills of the club in a simple way to say thank you,” he reveals. Since then, Chum has been taking the same joy of Lego he gives to adults through the organization and recreating it with terminally ill children who may have forgotten their sense of wonder and youth.

The Vancouver Lego Club’s newest partnership with the Ronald McDonald House ensures that children at the B.C. Children’s Hospital don’t miss out on the experience. “You just want to build an environment that’s comfortable,” Chum emphasizes. “Just to be able to provide these kids with more Lego than they could have ever possibly had at home and by actually building a Lego room, instead of just a room with just some Lego in it — it’s going to be quite exciting.”

The spectrum of uses and connections Chum has found on a personal level is a remarkable showcase of the plethora of uses that Lego can have. “I think, for us, it’s showing people that Lego is still fun and relevant. Whether it’s woodwork or crafts or engineering, they most likely had the same roots and they most likely had it in Lego. It’s connecting to the community.”

×

Vancouver Lego Club is a growing community for Lego enthusiasts and home to people that are still children at heart. Since its beginnings in 2001, the organization houses members from a multitude of culturally diverse backgrounds and is not predominant in one gender, but the one common feature among them is that they are mostly adults with stable incomes and committed, long-term relationships. “There’s a good majority of adults there not with children,” reveals Pierre Chum, spokesperson of the Vancouver Lego Club. “Some had given Lego up as kids and came back to use it either as an architectural product, a creative game or just for the fun of building. At the Vancouver Lego Club they have a place where they can pick it up and go, you know, there’s still life in these blocks.”

Spaces like the Vancouver Lego Club act as a place that can provide a rekindling experience for many, but for engineer Jonathan Tippett, putting down his Lego set was never a problem. The hands-on feeling that the plastic pieces gave him started his desire to build and led him into pursuing a career in building robots. “The first thing you gotta do is get off your couch and play with real objects like Legos,” Tippet emphasizes in describing how to foster a successful start to engineering through childhood.

With Lego Travel showcased at Science World, the latest store opening at Guildford Town Centre and events at the Vancouver Art Gallery, the toy seems to be at reach in bringing back the experience for adults.

ing and making friends. In St. Albert, Edmonton, twin brothers Tyler and Tyson Burns joined the Lego-Social Skills, one of the first Lego therapy programs in Canada, to alleviate their struggles with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. “It naturally re-enforces social behaviour. Because they have this affinity for Lego, because they love playing with it, they have to cooperate, they have to work with one another in order to build something and accomplish something,” Dyan Eygergen, a nurse at the Lego-Social Skills Group, explained in an interview with Global BC. The first of the findings in Lego therapy was by psychologist Dr. Daniel LeGoff, who worked with and under the supervision of an international team at Cambridge University. Although the research was narrowed to autistic children and Lego as a skill-building setting, the therapy has been used for children with ADHD or, as in Tyler and Tyson’s case, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. However, as with the introduction of new programs and research, many school systems and mental health facilities are hesitant to use Lego therapy because the bricks are too expensive, or due to disagreements around it being too atheoretical.

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Little plastic building blocks in primary colours; that was as far as Lego got for the childhood of many. With the box office success of Lego: The Movie, raking in $31.5 million in its third running weekend, the success and evolution of the once simple blocks was evident to many. The movie was a crowd-pleaser, not only for the young teens who went and the parents who took them, but for many major critics out there. Entertainment Weekly raved that it was “a helter-skelter kiddie adventure built out of plastic toy components, but it's fast and original, it's conceptually audacious, it's visually astonishing, and it's 10 times more clever and smart and funny than it needed to be.”

But as Michael O’Sullivan of the Washington Post noted, “The LEGO Movie pokes fun at anyone who would argue that LEGO products are, as one character puts it, 'a highly sophisticated, interlocking brick system,' and not simply toys.” It is clear that the movie has introduced a change in perception for the bricks, but many take it a step further and resurrect new interest for the cherished childhood game through the diverse range of uses for the product outside of the bricks being the “simple toys” that they’ve always been known as.

A TOY THAT CLIQUES

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FEATURES

THERESE GUIEB FEATURES EDITOR

S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

THE LIBERAL POPE OF A

CONSERVATIVE CHURCH A closer look at how the pope is reforming the Catholic Church

× Josh Seinen

Steve Tornes × Writer

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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The Catholic Church is one of the world’s oldest institutions, whose influences stretch into philosophical traditions and public consciousness. Catholicism is a religion whose dogma is followed by over one billion people and is rooted in the unchanging past. Although the world is inconstant and volatile, the Catholic Church remains steadied by its history; however, the recently elected Pope Francis I is introducing change and is separating the Church from its past.

There are two major ways in which Pope Francis is changing and invigorating the Catholic Church.

Firstly, he is reforming a financial sector which has been riddled with corruption. Secondly, he is slowly updating basic moral tenets for a more modern parishioner. Just as the Catholic Church remains influential to society, the new Pope’s actions affect us all.

IMPROVING A CORRUPT BANK The bank of Vatican City, Istituto per le Opere di Religione (IOR), has been hurt by allegations of corruption and money laundering charges. The IOR was founded by Pope Pius XII in 1942 and oversees roughly €6.3 billion in customer assets.

Although it is a relatively small institution, when mismanaged, the repercussions can be far reaching.

Scandals within the Vatican walls involving a web of corruption with the IOR has made Pope Francis devise a reformation upon the banking system. “The IOR opened its doors. They gave us ample and immediate cooperation without any type of insistence,” said Prosecutor Elena Guarino, when a monsignor (member of the clergy) was arrested for money laundering.

Pope Francis subsequently launched an independent commission of inquiry after the same

monsignor attempted to smuggle €20 million into Italy. The commission of inquiry had the authority to obtain documents, data and override banking secrecy rules. Within days of the commission being established, the general director of the IOR resigned. As a result, new positions were created in order to ensure compliance with anti-money laundering norms.

Pope Francis also replaced four of the five members on the Commission of Cardinals, which oversees the IOR. One of those new members is Cardinal Thomas Collins, the Archbishop of Toronto.

A new ministry called the Secretariat of the Economy, headed by Australian Cardinal George Pell, will have authority over all economic and administrative actions of the Vatican. They will be able to conduct audits at any time and on any agency of the Vatican. In less than a year, Pope Francis has taken major acts of reform for a banking institution known for corruption and as an Italian tax haven.

THE CULT OF MONEY As much as one may be tempted to assume that the actions of the IOR have little bearing in their lives, especially in far flung Canada, the reformation of the institution is a symptom of a new monetary culture in the Vatican; the kind of culture that indirectly affects the almost 1.2 billion Catholics in the world, 13 million of which are Canadians.

“Whether you’re a member of the Church or not, you want the Church to be credible and I think the Church is most credible when it lives its own gospels. Jesus prioritized the poor in his own ministry and Pope Francis is advocating the same, which adds to the credibility of the Church’s mes-

sage,” notes Steve Vachon, a religion teacher at St. Thomas Aquinas high school.

“Just as the commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill’ sets a clear limit in order to safeguard the value of human life,” said Pope Francis in an article by Business Insider, “Today we also have to say ‘Thou shalt not’ to an economy of exclusion and inequality. Such an economy kills.” In this case, the Pope is trying to make income inequality an evil similar to one of the 10 Commandments. “We have created new idols,” continued Pope Francis. “The worship of the golden calf of old has found a new and heartless image in the cult of money and the dictatorship of an economy which is faceless and lacking any truly humane goal.” His thoughts have the ability to influence many countries with a large Catholic population as well as make income inequality a worldwide issue.

“There is a new emphasis in the Pope’s governance which is towards trying to better understand the needs of the people and how bishops can best be with them and support them,” notes Vachon.

In this regard, there are reports by the Daily Mail of Pope Francis going out at night to give money to the poor, without media or spectacle. “It shows that he’s not doing this for show or for the power and prestige of the papacy,” says Natasha Wenner, a former Catholic residing in Vancouver. “At the bottom of everything, his message is to love and help other people. I like him because he exists beyond organized religion. His emphasis is not on the continuation of a thousand years of Catholic power, but on providing to his fellow person.”

His actions as Pope are carried over from his days as a bishop in Argentina. As the Catholic website Acipresna.com notes, the Pope would go out to help the poor every night by sharing food

and sitting with them on the street. “You won’t sit behind a desk. You can sell that. Don’t expect people to knock on your door, go seek them. I want you among the people to take my charity to the poor, the homeless, the last ones,” expressed Pope Francis. According to Aci Prensa, he brings food to the homeless, helps out at hospices and has even made sure that a drunk returned home.

When the Pope goes out into the night, he is protected by accompanying Swiss guards.

WHO AM I TO JUDGE Change is gradual for the Catholic Church, although the Pope’s actions and views are slowly changing the Church’s social doctrine. For instance, according to the Catholic Church, homosexuality is a sin. Moreover, Pope Francis referred to gay marriage as “anti-value and an anthropological regression.” However, according to BBC News, when asked about his views on gay priests, Pope Francis also said, “Who am I to judge them if they’re seeking the Lord in good faith? They shouldn’t be marginalized. The tendency [to homosexuality] is not the problem … they’re our brothers.”

The Pope reconciles these two seemingly opposing views by differentiating people from their actions. A gay priest is not committing a sin because of their inclinations. However, they do commit a sin if they have a same-sex relationship. By differentiating the gay person from their actions, he can love the gay person but hate gay marriage.

The Pope, while espousing traditional Catholic doctrine, is demonstrating closeness with everybody, including homosexuals. “Pope Francis did not articulate a change in the Church’s teachings

ON the Cover

" The Pope, while espousing traditional Catholic doctrine, is demonstrating closeness with everybody, including homosexuals." sise his responsibilities to others. “I do this with my heart because it is my duty, as a priest and bishop I must be at your service,” said Pope Francis.

The fact that he says that it is his duty to serve non-Catholics is remarkable, and his respect has been reciprocated. This has already been noted in Argentina, the home of Pope Francis. According to the Buenos Aires Herald, Sheik Mohsen Ali expressed that Pope Francis has “always showed himself as a friend of the Islamic community,” and “his humility drew my attention.” Dr. Sumer Noufouri, secretary general of the Islamic Centre of the Republic of Argentina, in the same article, said that the Pope knows Islam, and that the dialogue and coexistence between religions in Argentina “could be exported to the world.” It is possible that relations between Catholics and other religions could improve in the future.

Josh Seinen Raised in Houston B.C, Vancouver is the last place Joshua thought he would be. Especially to study art.

His father put an axe in his hand by the age of 8.

Now 26 years old, Joshua has traded in his axe for a pencil. Studying illustration and design in the IDEA program here at Capilano Joshua is working hard towards making his dream of becoming a successful graphic designer come true. Want to see more of his stuff? Check out his instagram @joshuaseinen or online at Behance.net/joshuaseinen

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Pope Francis has shown himself to be unafraid to break traditions, which has the potential to lead to future change in and of itself. “Holy Thursday is

" That was breaking with tradition in itself. He also washed the feet of a Muslim woman.

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THE BREAKER OF TRADITION

the night before Good Friday,” says Paul Schratz, media spokesman for the Archdioceses of Vancouver. “It commemorates the last supper when Jesus instituted the Eucharist and when he washed the apostles’ feet and told them to do the same for their followers. In parishes all around the world, on Holy Thursday, the pastor or priest would wash the feet, generally of 12 men, to signify the 12 apostles,” explains Schratz. It is traditional for the Pope to wash the feet of priests, but according to CBC, on the Holy Thursday of 2013, Pope Francis washed the feet of women. The Vatican spokesman said that Pope Francis washed the feet of women because “excluding the girls would have been inopportune in light of the simple aim of communicating a message of love to all.”

“He went into a prison to do the washing of the feet,” continues Schratz. “That was breaking with tradition in itself. He also washed the feet of a Muslim woman.”

Since Pope Francis broke with tradition in the name of love and inclusion, it had some people wondering if it meant that Pope Francis would be inclined to allowing women priests. After all, by washing the feet of women on Holy Thursday, the women were representing the original 12 disciples. “He himself has closed that door. He has acknowledged and stood behind what Pope John Paul II said [in] that the Church is unable to ordain women,” notes Schratz.

By not differentiating between gender, race or piety, Pope Francis is conveying an openness not often seen by world leaders. “This is a symbol, it is a sign — washing your feet means that I am at your service,” explained Pope Francis in a report by CBC. By washing the feet of prisoners instead of priests, Pope Francis is using the moment to empha-

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today,” read a statement by the LGBT Catholic organization Equally Blessed, “but he spoke compassionately, and in doing so, he has encouraged an already lively conversation that may one day make it possible for the Church to fully embrace gay and lesbian Catholics.”

Although the Pope’s statement specifically spoke out against discrimination towards gay priests, it also speaks to the LGBT community in general.

By not targeting gay priests for their inclinations, he is also asking the world not to marginalize the gay community for being who they are. By calling gay priests his brothers, he is speaking of a kinship with them, regardless of their sexual identity. Due to the Pope’s comments and their implications, the Advocate, a LGBT magazine, named him the most influential person of 2013 for the LGBT community. The Italian Catholic LGBT group, Kairos of Florence, also wrote to the Pope and in his response, Pope Francis blessed the group and became the first Pope to ever write back to them.

This could be the first major sign of the Catholic Church slowly becoming more liberal. Perhaps the most important sign of shifting values is that Pope Francis has focused more on reform and the harm of greed than on social conservative issues such as gay marriage. In an interview with America magazine, Pope Francis commented, “The teaching of the Church, for [the matter of homosexuality], is clear and I am a son of the Church, but it is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time.”

It is the openness and inclusiveness of Pope Francis’ actions which is slowly reforming and changing the Church. “I think both with the resignation of Pope Benedict and with the changes we are witnessing with Pope Francis,” says Schratz, “we are seeing more of an openness to changing the traditions that can be changed. Sometimes we get locked into doing things the way we have always done them for no other reason than that’s the way they have always been done.” His openness has the potential to cause great change in the Church because his actions suggest something new within the old Church. The Pope could be the beginning of a new direction. The Catholic Church is an institution that measures time in centuries, and this man may be the origin point for far reaching effects in the future.

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opinions

FAYE ALEXANDER OPINIONS EDITOR

OPINIONS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

the big, the bad and the bieber HOLLYWOOD'S LATEST BAD BOY ISN'T TO BLAME Julia Gabriel × Writer Quickly rising out of the depths of YouTube stardom, Justin Bieber has undoubtedly become one of the largest pop culture icons of this generation.

Bieber seemed to reach a new level of star status with a dedicated following of teen girls at his side, creating a cult-like fan base for the young musician that could not be waived. “Beliebers” worldwide watched him transform from a purple-loving pop star into the bad boy he is today. With every second story in the tabloids zeroing in on his latest controversy, many are left wondering why exactly this innocent star has suddenly changed his ways.

Be it a publicity scheme, personal problems or teenaged rebellion — the media has taken this outburst of bad behaviour and blamed it all on Bieber.

With media running rampant with invasive and elaborated stories, the culprit is not Bieber alone.

Instead of pointing the finger at Bieber, the media should be pointing a finger at themselves.

Being known worldwide for your achievements is one thing, being a household name for your mistakes is another. With all eyes on Bieber since his first rebellious incident, every negative action has been scrutinized, beginning with his split from girlfriend Selena Gomez. Shortly following their public breakup, video and picture evidence appeared of Bieber smoking weed with friends, threatening to beat up paparazzi and leaving his pet monkey behind at a German airport.

He showed up two hours late to a London Show, spit on fans and wrote in Anne Frank’s guestbook, “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber,” while visiting Amsterdam.

× Sydney Parent The young musician continued on this path of poor press. Creating a new image for himself that included cutting his hair and covering himself in tattoos, this new version of the star seemed to appear overnight. However, Bieber’s new reputation did not appear to damage his following. “Justin's ‘bad boy’ persona could potentially appeal to his existing fan base who feel that they can relate to him and what he is going through,” says Warren Dean Flandez, owner of talent development agency Studio Cloud 30 and faculty member of Capilano University’s arts and entertainment management program. “Could he potentially be losing fans from this? Absolutely! But he could also be tapping into a new fan base that he previously wasn't reaching.”

Because the sudden change in behaviour and appearance of Bieber correlated with the release of a new music video and a second movie — which notably failed at the box office earning a poor $1.25

million — the concept of “any attention is good attention” was quickly brought to mind. “It's been said that the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about,” says Flandez.

“Publicity is publicity whether it be good or bad, and behind every successful artist there is an amazing team spinning any situation into something profitable.” By putting himself into the public eye with a new persona, this re-brand of the star was quickly bought by the media and inflated to the point where it was all people talked about. Because of this popularity, consumers drew their attention once again to Bieber, bringing him back onto everyone’s radar just in time to gain a profit. “One thing I'm certain of is that people get bored and often long for change” says Flandez, helping to explain why the media attention only benefitted and prolonged this bout of bad behavior.

Bieber’s latest controversy, involving numerous arrests for DUI and vandalism charges, has quickly evolved from a publicity scheme into a serious inquest that suggests the star is in trouble.

Despite the risk of a public teenage breakdown, the media didn’t give Bieber a break and has continued to scold the star on national television and social media websites. Questions about his new posse of rappers and drug-affiliated friends influencing the star were raised, alongside his upbringing. Introduced to the industry at a young age, Bieber could possibly be experiencing a classic case of child-star syndrome, with symptoms including high levels of anxiety and stress leading to a breakdown and criminal behavior. “It seems difficult enough to grow up out of the public eye, so I can only imagine how it must be to do so in the spotlight,” Flandez says, hinting to what has happened to big name child stars such as Lindsay

Lohan, Amanda Bynes and, specifically, Michael Jackson. Bieber’s musical career has been inspired and compared to Jackson’s, by fans and by the popstar himself. Now, it seems that Bieber’s personal life is also bearing similarity to the King of Pop’s, with Bieber even going as far as to post a photo on Instagram directly referencing both his and Jacksons arrests.

With Bieber’s recent behaviour clearly mirroring those of child-stars past, the media should have learned that their coverage is only for the worse.

Though the rebellion of Bieber may have started as a well-planned publicity stunt, it is evident that the attention is now his downfall rather than his success. “Somehow I doubt that this was intended to be a marketing scheme,” suggested Flandez.

“Having said that, I wouldn't rule out that his situation hasn't evolved into one. Every second that he is paraded on news outlets and tabloids is yet another opportunity for him to be in the spotlight.” Though Bieber is undoubtedly the one who should be held accountable for his actions, as there is no excuse for criminal behavior, the media needs to take into account their contribution. The amount of press received from his first rebellion has snowballed into an uncontrollable mass of chaos, causing Bieber to be blamed for offences that may never have been committed had the media responded differently. Attention is the child-star’s kryptonite, as longevity of fame is the ultimate goal. By providing the necessary attention to keep Bieber’s career alive, the media are simply feeding the fuel that will lead to his destruction, and need to realize that their presence is the leading cause of rebellion.

a right to health SUING OUR GOVERNMENT FOR PUTTING US IN HARM'S WAY Kristi Alexandra

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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× Copy Editor

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A man in a North China city is attempting to sue his government for excessive smog. Li Guixin, who claims he has spent money on face masks, air purifiers and a treadmill to use indoors, is seeking compensation from a district court in Hebei province after filing a complaint with them, according to an article by BBC. The city of Shijiazhuang is an industrial town that, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), commonly goes over pollution levels that they consider hazardous and has been in a crisis since the air pollution levels recently reached 10 times the internationally accepted safety limit.

Though his case has been rejected already by several courts, and the district court in Hebei is still considering whether or not to accept it, Guixin isn’t just looking for an axe to grind in order to get free money — he’s a whistle-blower. And with the potential adverse environmental and health effects that could be a result of laying down a pipeline on Canadian soil, it seems our “true North strong and free” might need a few whistle-blowers ourselves.

"The reason that I'm proposing administrative compensation is to let every citizen see that amid this haze, we're the real victims," he said to Yanzhao

Metropolis Daily. "Besides the threat to our health, we've also suffered economic losses, and these losses should be borne by the government and the environmental departments because the government is the recipient of corporate taxes: it is a beneficiary.”

In light of the recent proposals for liquefied natural gas (LNG) pipelines to go through British Columbia to service countries like China, Canadians should also be aware of their right — or lack thereof — to a healthy, liveable environment. Should the Enbridge pipeline make its way through our green land and happen to spring a leak either in soil or in open water, there are no legal environmental protections put in place to keep the government and these companies accountable to the public — those of us who would ultimately suffer from such a mistake.

What many Canadians may not know, amidst our lush natural landscapes and unparalleled, clean drinking water (at least in the Pacific North West), is that we actually do not have a constitutional right to breathe clean air, drink clean water or eat clean food.

There are 95 countries in the world with this constitutional right and, unfortunately for flag-wavers of the white and red, Canada isn’t one of them. In

fact, when Ipsos-Reid polled Canadians in 2013, nearly 55 per cent of them were not aware that they weren’t legally entitled to these basic things. The survey, which was funded by the David Suzuki Foundation, also revealed that 83 per cent of Canadians feel that we should have a “green” constitution.

Last November David Boyd, environmental lawyer and SFU professor, went on-air during CBC’s radio news show, the Current, to talk about why the Canadian constitution should be amended to include fundamental environmental rights. As it stands, Canadians have a right to get paid a minimum wage and love who they choose — but no legal right to a liveable environment.

In the case of Guixin, his complaint may come too late since he and the rest of the citizens of Shijiazhuang have already been breathing in 10 times the acceptable amount of polluted air according to WHO. For Canadians, unless we amend the constitution before idly sitting back and allowing LNG pipelines and the Harper government to essentially rape our earth, we may not have a leg to stand on in the case that our home becomes as unliveable as North China.

The David Suzuki Foundation faced several au-

dits that threatened to revoke its status as a charitable foundation in the last few years. Now, in 2014, the foundation is facing another extensive audit from the Canada Revenue Agency along with other environmental groups like Tides Canada, West Coast Environmental Law, The Pembina Foundation, Environmental Defence, Equaterre and Ecology Action Centre. It’s clear that, as LNG pipelines come closer to becoming a reality, there’s another war being waged to essentially muzzle groups that support amending our constitution to include environmental rights.

Without these charities bringing concerns that may threaten our way of life to the forefront , without people like Guixin making international headlines and poking at his government and without lawyers like Boyd, we might idly sit back not knowing any better until we’re wearing face masks, buying air and water purifiers and indoor treadmills on our dime while the prime minister dines on lobster and caviar. Canada, don’t make us get all Erin Brockovich on your ass.

opinions

it's not a tax, it's my premium!

TAX STAYS THE SAME BUT FEES SKY ROCKET Kevin Kapenda × Writer In last year’s May provincial election, Premier Christy Clark made a lot of election promises, most notably promising voters to freeze taxes in B.C. and to balance the provincial budget. This February, in her first post-election budget, the premier kept her word by tabling a balanced budget that did not include any new taxes. “We said we weren’t going to increase taxes, and we didn’t increase taxes [in the budget],” said Clark. However, the cost of collective goods like healthcare premiums have gone up, while crown corporations like ICBC and BC Hydro also continue to hike fees, forcing NDP and opposition leader Adrian Dix to accuse the government of channelling their desired tax revenue through rate and/or premium increases on services that almost all British Columbians use, and most pay for. “When the premier said she didn’t raise taxes, when the premier said that in Kelowna, it wasn’t true,” said Dix. These increases have sparked debate about what is and what isn’t a tax, forcing the NDP and some in the media to accuse the government of misleading voters. Unfortunately for Dix, the balanced budget was well received by Clark’s electorate, a coalition made up of business-minded Liberals and B.C.’s Conservative establishment, meaning that if Clark can continue to table budgets with surpluses and not increase taxes, her government would appear to be re-electable for years to come.

This year alone, the government has announced that BC Hydro rates will increase by nearly 30

× Arin Ringwald per cent in the next five years. Though a lot of that money will stay with BC Hydro so they can better serve residents, a lot of that money, an estimated $1.23 million, will be forked over to the government in dividends over the next three years.

B.C. drivers were also dinged this year after ICBC premiums went up by five per cent in December 2013, which will translate to $480 million over three years as well. In this budget, the province’s Medical Services Plan (MSP) premiums were raised also, guaranteeing the government $649 million over the same period of time. It is unclear what the government will do with all that cash, but what is known is that the government could have raised all that money through taxes, instead of upping the price of Hydro, ICBC insurance and MSP premiums. Michael Smyth of the Province

believes that Clark’s claims are frankly misleading because her and her finance minister have strategically avoided introducing any new taxes or increasing current tax rates by finding other ways to raise revenue. “The Liberals raised a whole bunch of other revenue sources to balance the books,” wrote Smyth. However, Clark’s deputy disagrees with Smyth and Dix, arguing that sceptics of the budget are upset because they don’t want to see Clark and her government succeed. “I get that it bothers you that we’re balancing budgets,” said Deputy Premier Rich Coleman to the Province.

“The NDP would have raised taxes and wouldn’t have balanced the budget.”

Though it may not be the most transparent way of increasing government revenue, nickel and diming British Columbians through slight increases in medical and ICBC premiums and BC Hydro rates, allows them to balance the budget and avoid the public uproar that often comes with tax increases. The last time the government surprised taxpayers with a fee or tax hike was immediately after the 2009 election, when the Liberals introduced plans to implement the Harmonized Sales Tax in B.C. This initiative would make the seven per cent PST and the five per cent GST sales taxes applicable to all purchases, including many that were at the time, and are still today, PST exempt, like personal hygiene services, books, bicycles and food. The simple nature of this proposition made it easy for critics of the tax, such as the NDP and former Social Credit Premier Bill Van der Zalm, to push for and secure a referendum on the tax’s future. “If Premier Gordon Campbell and the B.C. Liberal MLAs don't listen to the people and drop

the HST, he and his party are finished,” said Van der Zalm back in 2010 to the Tyee. In August 2011, two years after the tax became law, the Van der Zalm and NDP-led anti-HST contingent won a province-wide referendum to repeal the tax with 55 per cent of the vote. Before the referendum, Clark succeeded Campbell who resigned in March 2011 due to the declining popularity of his party and the HST. Opting for slight increases to B.C.’s crown corporations and health care premiums to balance the budget, instead of increasing income, business or sales taxes, keeps Clark popular with her fiscal conservative and economy-obsessed base, the people who surprised the country by re-electing her.

Former federal Conservative minister Stockwell Day, who has vocally supported and campaigned for Clark since 2011, hailed the budget as bland but positive, because it was balanced with a surplus instead of a deficit, which would have been there if the NDP were elected. “B.C. budget is okay. Not perfect, but balanced, as promised,” said Day, on his personal Twitter account. Iain Black, a former B.C. Liberal minister hailed the budget as attractive because Clark’s voters seem to support governments who balance budgets without increasing taxes. “Boring seems to be the new sexy.

The core themes of this budget are clearly stay the course, prudence and vigilance,” stated Black in a Global News interview. If Clark’s government can continue to balance budgets and avoid HSTlike gaffes by choosing not to increase taxes, they should continue to remain electable, even if they raise the rates or premiums of MSP and a few crown corporations from time to time.

el chapo's world AYO FOR YAYO Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief

× Kristen Wright

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dozen wannabe kings. InsightCrime.org reported that Argentina saw a huge spike in homicides due to a turf war between gangs and competing cartels in September 2013. Mexico could soon suffer from the same dangers if gangs and cartels use violence to dominate and take control of Guzman’s legacy. And the drug trade isn’t going anywhere, so the DEA and authorities should get used to the battle and not gloat about the small victories.

The interesting uncertainty is whether El Chapo was even that bad of a guy. There was a Robin Hood factor in his operation, as he used much of his money to build churches in impoverished areas.

He employed thousands of people and was responsible for some economic growth in his home state of Sinaola. According to an NPR article, locals in the

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While these two countries are trying to take all the glory for his capture, it makes it look like two kids in the schoolyard, both saying that the prettiest toys are theirs. Instead of acting like children, a little more international cooperation would be a good idea, especially considering the rising tension in Europe.

A burning question that locals and media are both wondering is, ‘Who is going to take over for El Chapo?’ Just because the ringleader is busy does not mean that the elephants won’t perform.

El Chapo was running the biggest drug cartel in the world, and he likely had many minions working under him and eyeing his position. The power vacuum that his arrest has created can cause more violence and gang wars than the last decade has seen.

Having one drug king is potentially better than a

THE CAPILANO COURIER

On Feb. 23, all major media outlets were bursting with the news of the capture of Joaquin Guzman.

Mexican Navy Special Forces seized the drug lord outside of Mazatlan, mostly known as a spring break destination and the home to many bad decisions. The arrest of “El Chapo” as he is known, is being hailed as a landmark achievement for the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA). But the victory isn’t as clean as the authorities want it to be. There are so many underlying issues woven and intertwined in the drug war that his capture creates almost as many problems as it is meant to resolve.

The fall of Guzman adds more fuel to the constant debate of the war on drugs and organized crime.

While this is being celebrated in the U.S.A., and credited as being the best achievement for the current Mexican government, this relationship is part of the problem. Most reporters are saying that this was a joint effort between both countries to capture the former “Public Enemy Number One” (interestingly, the last person to have the honour of that title was legendary mob boss, Al Capone).

Both countries want to take credit for his arrest, and both want to handle his criminal trials in their jurisdiction. Immediately after Guzman’s arrest, the U.S. was calling for his extradition to the States, and they can’t be blamed. Last time El Chapo was in a Mexican prison was in 2001, and he was able to escape through a series of bribes and a heavy price tag. According to CNN, his escape cost him $2.5 million and a ride in a basket full of dirty laundry.

area aren’t pleased with his capture, and immortalize him through song lyrics and stories.

“Christina, a 21-year-old psychology student, says the narco-culture runs through their veins; it's part of life,” the article reads. “Christina says no one here is happy about Guzman's arrest. Because of Guzman, she says, everything is under control — people don't steal, kidnap or extort here. And the partiers say he helped the poor, paved roads, gave people jobs — the list of good deeds goes on.”

What El Chapo did that was most important was take care of his home base and neighbours. His methods may not have been ethically sound, and caused destruction elsewhere, but it’s no more deplorable than what other corporations and nations do to survive. How many corporations exploit child labour in a distant country or drop bombs in thirdworld countries? They try to keep the destruction out of their neighbourhoods to protect what means most — their home. The main difference between El Chapo’s drug cartel and other operations that are guilty of the same lousy methods is that he was operating under a different moral compass — one that wasn’t as conservative or acceptable as others.

According to some reports, El Chapo is responsible for as many American lives as Osama Bin Laden.

He may not have the most respectable reputation, but no one can deny his power, including Forbes, where he is number 68 on their list of richest people.

But if he is using his power and wealth to protect his home state, and to create opportunities within his community, he may be less guilty of corruption than some of the other operations, including the government and armies that do the same thing. While this can be seen as a victory for the DEA, it may be a bit of a hypocritical one.

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columns

LEAH SCHEITEL COLUMNS EDITOR

EDITOR@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

life money TRAVEL ALBERTA

drives like he lives his life — full throttle, which doesn’t result in good fuel economy. We made it through Edmonton but not before realizing we were getting low on diesel. We detoured off the highway by 30 kilometres to go fuel up in a town called Lacombe. Driving back to the main highway after we’d dropped nearly $200 on filling the pig of a truck we heard a loud pop. Patty had blown the engine. As we rolled to a stop he announced, “Well there goes my job! I definitely didn’t tell my boss I was driving his truck to Banff.” So there we were on the side of a small Alberta highway in the middle of winter with no plan and no way home.

We’d been waiting 30 or so minutes for a tow truck when a guy pulled over in his SUV. He asked what had happened and offered to give us a lift to Red Deer. Patty reassured us that the truck was under warranty so nothing but the loss of his job would come of this situation. After drinking a few roadside beers and talking about what to do next, we realized we had two options: spend the weekend in Red Deer and party like rednecks, or tuck our tails between our legs and bus back to FMM. Patty didn’t see it that way — he’d basically just lost his job and had money put away from working up north. He looked at the whole crew and said, “Let’s just take a god damn cab to Banff!” Just then, one of my roommates, Matt, chimed in and replied, “We have five people we’d need two cabs.”

I instantly got so pumped at the prospect of still getting to snowboard and yelled, “Let’s take a limo!

It’s got to be cheaper than two cabs.” We called around for the least reputable limo company in Red Deer and negotiated $400 to take us to Banff ($100 a person with a large tip).

The tow truck came and took off to the dealership with our dead truck and we got a ride into town. We were having celebratory drinks in a country bar when a questionable 1990s limo with a massive trailer pulled up. The local cowboy-hat clad girls in the bar all seemed to perk up as one looked down at our snowboard gear and said, “Are you guys pros?” Most of us were already running out of the bar to the limo but as I left I overhead Patty reply to her “Damn right Darlin’ — we’re going to Banff.”

Waiting in our limo for us was the closest thing to sparking moonshine I’d ever seen. We blasted ‘90s rock the whole way to Banff as we downed our complimentary ‘shine and the last of our beer. I found a few pillows and made myself a bed on the floor while I fell asleep under the stars and neon lights of our ‘90s chariot. We had accomplished the adventure weekend we’d wanted. The next few days were spent celebrating and snowboarding in that rad little mountain town.

— either with one’s relationship or body.

But what if we did go without? Consider that the average child comes with a lifetime price tag of $241,000. No matter what income bracket you’re in, that’s a massive drain on any lifetime goals or career aspirations.

In my experience, around the age of two, many children will begin to insist on doing exactly what you've asked them not to or might ask for things they don’t even want, all to feel out the reaches of their power. They become little oligarchs, gently searching out the most effective means of tightening their grip of control and expanding their Tonka-empire.

The concept of honesty is completely lost on them. Call it endearing, but I would posit that children offer us a fleeting glimpse into our true essence — in which we are reminded each and every one of us is really only looking for our next meal, and whether or not our crib-mate gets theirs is secondary.

And then there are tantrums. Apart from chimpanzees — who are, for all intents and purposes, just stronger and more impolite humans anyway — there are simply no other species whose off-

spring flip shit with such glee and grandeur. Granted, in today’s world of padded surfaces and safety warnings, a tantrum is little more than an embarrassment for most parents — but go back 10,000 years, and suddenly little Jimmy’s foot-stomping, fist-pounding conniption just got the whole tribe eaten by a sabre tooth. Thanks a lot, Jimmy.

From an evolutionary standpoint, precisely how we made it this far while saddled with the burden of caring for such needy, floppy, little car-alarms is beyond me. To put things in perspective, an earthworm can feed itself and go for a stroll within minutes of hatching. Our offspring, meanwhile, are incapable of so much as rolling over for the first year of their life, and routinely pee on their caretakers every year thereafter for as long as they can eke it out.

They are nightmarishly poor communicators, they tow a fine line between sadism and pathological lying, and they are utterly helpless in the face of imminent danger. When you think past their cuteness, children kind of suck.

By the way, if you are reading this article in broken glances as you drape it over your child’s mattress — I rest my case.

Brian Cameron × Columnist Brian Cameron is a writer, traveler, cyclist, and all around good guy. While he is currently based in Whistler, snowboarding the winter away, he is also planning his next adventure. Maybe becoming a Sherpa, who knows? Keep updated on his travels at Neverlostforeverfound.blogspot.ca You don’t always need to fly to a tropical place for a holiday. Sometimes merely popping your bubble and getting out of your day-to-day grind can do wonders for your spirit. I was living in Fort McMurray, Alberta (FMM), a place where the feeling of getting out of the bubble wasn’t merely a want but a genuine need. FMM is the oil sands boomtown, famous for its high wages and questionable environmental practices. I was working for a construction company building houses, which was a good job but it’s not the job that makes life hard up there. There’s just a coldness to the place.

It was winter and as an avid snowboarder, I’d wanted to visit Banff. My roommates and I were chilling with our friend Patty talking about getting away for a weekend. Patty instantly volunteered to drive to Banff once the topic arose. Between his stories of being in and out of jail to the tattoos that cover his body, he is one of the scariest looking people I’ve ever met. With that said, he is also one of the nicest and outgoing guys out there, exactly who’d you want on an adventure with you. We could take his work truck, throw all our gear in the back and have enough room for five friends.

We’d all been crushing very long days at our jobs so the 10 or so hour drive didn’t seem all that bad.

I woke up the following Thursday to Patty barging into our house with a stack of 10 double-doubles from Tim Horton’s because, according to Patty, “We got a long fuckin’ drive so we better start

× Crystal Lee double fisting coffee now.” The truck was loaded up and we shot south down the “Newfie 500” also known as Highway 63. Since there are so many people who go from being on unemployment in the Maritimes to making over $100,000 a year in FMM, it often goes straight to their heads. The egos soar and sway them into driving their brand new truck at insanely unsafe speeds up and down the Newfie 500. With the mix of inexperience and egos, it’s no surprise to hear that Highway 63 is the most dangerous highway in Canada.

Gas stations seem to be sparse in Alberta and even more so if you’re driving a diesel truck. Patty

for argument's sake

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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PUT BABY IN THE CORNER

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Tomas Borsa × Columnist Whether we call them “sacred”, “taboo”, or simply “off-limits”, some things in life are guarded, and their place of privilege in the collective consciousness is all but taken for granted. They’ve had their time in the sun – it’s time to hold them to the flame, and this is just what Tomas Borsa will do – argue against things that typically wouldn’t be argued against. And argue back, simply for the fun of it.

Like virtually everyone else this side of sociopathy, I adore babies. They are a beacon of hope, the light at the end of our terminal tunnel that reads, “No matter how much this generation fucks things up, there will be others to clean up after us.” I’m not entirely sure what it is about babies that gives them such universal intrigue. Perhaps their fragility serves as a temporary reminder of our latent ability to empathize with one another, or perhaps, more likely, we’re simply fascinated by their odd

cranial proportions and comically-oversized eyes.

Whatever it is that makes us keep coming back for more, making babies has been terribly en vogue for some time now, and shows no signs of slowing down.

Although I can’t say I remember much of the experience, old family photographs taken circa 1991 would seem to suggest that I, too, was once a baby (and that it was a phase of my life dominated by wool, homogenized milk and androgyny). But I’m not here to sing the praises of having children — Fred Penner’s held a monopoly on that market for years anyhow. In fact, I’d like to present the alternate case.

Overpopulation is a big thing. And yet, at the time of writing, there have been 23,602,366 births this year. Unfortunately, we live in a world where most girls grow up in a culture of assumed motherhood.

There is never an honest debate as to whether a woman is going to have kids — simply how many and when. Nor, in the world of hetero-relationships at least, is there generally openness to debating the merits of willfully foregoing baby-making. To many, talk of simply not having children is considered heresy, and is seen to imply that something must be wrong

the big whoopsie THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING

Erica Charron × Columnist Erica Charron likes to tell people when they are being stupid, and so naturally, she wants to tell the government to stop being assholes, and to work for their people. For good entertainment, buy her a glass of wine and debate about political affairs – the more wine, the more candid it gets.

“I am Ukrainian…and I want you to know why thousands of people from all over the country are in our streets. There is only one reason: we want to be free of a dictatorship, we want to be free from the politicians who work only for themselves, who are ready to shoot, to beat and to injure people just to save their money, just to save their houses, just to save their power…”

As the world comes down from the sparkly twinkle of Olympic highs and Morgan Freeman’s sultry commercial narration, we return to the real world with some very real problems. Circulating quickly through social media sites, you may have seen the viral video of a young Ukrainian woman named Yulia. An excerpt of her words above outline the dire situation occurring in her nation and her distressful call upon the world to take action.

To briefly summarize, protests broke out in November following the rejection of a trade deal

by President Viktor Yanukovych with the European Union. Citizens believed closer ties to the EU would have helped hold the country’s corrupt leadership accountable for its crimes while also developing the economy in a more western,

democratic manner. Instead, Yanukovych accepted a hefty $15 billion bailout — a kind of bribe from Russia, dividing the population into civil unrest. This money from Russia has fueled the Ukraine’s crony-istic leadership for decades. After three months of demonstrations and a vote by the Parliament to remove Yanukovych from office, the president vowed to stay in power despite escalating violence. However, Yanukovych was forced to flee the country as a response to threats on his family.

Ukraine’s history has been tumultuous for centuries — once apart from the former Soviet Union, Ukraine gained its independence in 1991, but only sort of. The Ukrainian government ties with Russia have remained strong between parliamentary lines because of Ukraine’s vast oil reserves and the potential for a pipeline to inject billions of dollars into Russia’s economy.

As of last week, Russia illegally invaded Ukrainian territory by supplying troops into Kiev and marine fleets surrounding the island of Crimea — a Moscow-backed Ukrainian territory — as an attempted annexation of crime and removal of the “suggested” radical take over. This act of aggravation by Russia not only violates Ukraine’s sovereignty and thus international law, but has also left the population in fear while further destabilizing situation. The U.N. now fears that there is a great possibility that the two nations will plunge into civil war.

NATO has demanded that Putin to stop provocations and let situation be dealt with internally.

However the Russian ambassador to the U.N. argues that the Ukraine protests/violence are a response to the country’s “manifestations of government duplicity — they elected their own president and thus must take responsibility for the violent outbreaks that are occurring while Russia’s inva-

× Kelsey Holden

sion is merely a reaction of safety for the millions of Russians living in Ukraine.”

President Obama reacted to Russia’s invasion by publically defending the Ukraine on Feb. 28.

“The Ukrainian people deserve and have the international right to create their own future…push for elections in the spring…it is Russia’s interest to support Ukraine’s efforts as a part of the international community… however to interfere in any shape or form with Ukrainian sovereignty will further destabilize the situation and violates international law… there will be costs and consequences to bringing military action.”

On March 1, the United Nations held an emergency public session concerning the crisis in Ukraine and unanimously agreed to protect the integrity of the Ukrainian territory. The international community backs the statements of both the U.S and Ukraine vowing that continued action will incur “sanctions” (of some sort) and “restric-

tions” (of some kind). However, this is like telling your rebel child that they’re grounded but they can still play their Gameboy and drive Dad’s car.

The international community is failing to come up with a meaningful response to the crisis — waving their fingers aggressively but only from the sidelines. As of March 6, Crimea is officially occupied and sided with the Kremlin. The escalation of these events has left the world in awe of its general lack of authority, bringing to question the credibility of “world order” maintained by bilateral and multilateral agreements. Do these treaties mean nothing after all? With no serious repercussions occurring, countries around the world are receiving an incredibly skewed signal that undermining international laws comes with little to no response.

It is truly a wonder how we haven’t blown ourselves up yet.

Stop Street Harassment (SSH) over 80 per cent of the female population experience street harassment, making it much more than the minor annoyance our society deems it to be. I shouldn’t have to second-guess my outfit due to the fact that it might cause unwelcome attention from a stranger.

Unfortunately, I do feel pressure to secondguess, and if I did get unwelcome attention many parties would actually blame me for causing it, simply because of what I may have been wearing.

Recently I stood on the corner of Robson and Nelson while waiting to meet a friend on a Saturday night. Even though I had headphones in and was visibly preoccupied with my phone, in the 10 minutes it took my friend to arrive, four different men approached me. While I never felt physically threatened in such a crowded area, their interactions with me were all tinged with the air that they felt entitled to enter my personal space. Just to be clear, these aren’t polite “Hi, how are you this evening?” moments, these are look you up and down and say with a gleam in their eye, “Why are you all alone girl?” moments. These experiences made me feel gross and uncomfortable when I shouldn’t have had to, as if these men had a right to access and consume my body like they do a girl on a billboard. It made me think that if this is what I experienced within 10 minutes, I can’t even imagine what women deal with in worse neighbourhoods, not to mention different countries.

As SSH clearly states, “Street harassment is a human rights issue because it limits women’s ability to be in public as often or as comfortably as most men.” This makes it a significant problem as it not only affects women’s sense of well being but also their access to essential services and their enjoyment of public life as equal citizens. If street harassment limits women’s ability to occupy public space then it is also limiting their presence in the public sphere, and as a result, suppressing their voice and authority. While researching street harassment I stumbled upon an event in Egypt three years ago. While covering the ongoing turmoil in Cairo, CBS reporter Lara Logan was sexually assaulted by a mob of 200 men over 25 minutes. In her interview with The New York Times about her experiences she said, “When women are harassed … they’re denied an equal place in that society.

Public spaces don’t belong to them. Men control it. It reaffirms the oppressive role of men in the society.” While her harassment may seem distant since it occurred on the other side of the world, the symptoms of these experiences can be seen worldwide and ultimately have an effect on the way we treat women everyday.

girls on top WHAT'S WITH STREET HARASSMENT?

Amy Poulston × Columnist

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Picture this: you’re female and you’re walking alone at night. Someone approaches you on the street and because you’ve been conditioned by society to anticipate the worst, you tense up. As female comedian, Ever Mainard, aptly puts it, you think, “Here’s my rape,” as if it were something inevitable you should have to schedule before your dentist appointment and after the gym. But why do women expect to be assaulted by men at night? In a better world, a more equal world, we would not have to fear going out into public space just because of what time of day it is. It is argued that street harassment (which can be anything from catcalling to physical contact or unwelcome attention, among others) is a symptom of male entitlement to women’s space. This is obviously influenced by

THE CAPILANO COURIER

A few things about Amy Poulston: she adores Harry Potter, can finish a crossword like a boss, and has a twin brother. While studying Art History and English at UBC, she also is an open and out feminist, and will argue her points in an articulate manner. Her column will explore feminist issues in today’s pop culture.

our society’s objectification and consumption of women — but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Brooklyn artist Tatyana Fazlalizadeh has become so frustrated by street harassment that she has taken the subject head-on by posting her works in the same environment where these events take place: the street. Her large posters include illustrated portraits of different women she meets with a bold caption expressing the woman’s experience with public harassment. These captions range from, “Stop telling women to smile,” to “You are not entitled to my space,” and “My name is not baby, shorty, sexy, sweetie, honey, pretty, boo, sweetheart, ma.” These posters are not so subtle in their agenda of spreading awareness about harassment, giving a voice to the billions of women who confront this treatment, sometimes on a daily basis. Fazlalizadeh hopes to spread awareness not only through her works but also by travelling the country. By using the $35,000 she raised on Kickstarter, she will interview women and share their stories about their different experiences in public space.

Many say that they don’t see this as a serious issue — that women should regard these experiences as compliments or that they are just a joke — but in reality harassment is much more serious. Due to the fact that murder and rape mostly occur by men against women, we aren’t really being paranoid or bitchy if we get prematurely defensive when a man approaches us. According to the organization

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art shorts

KRISTI ALEXANDRA ART SHORTS EDITOR

COPY@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

kid cudi

SATELLITE FLIGHT Carlo Javier × Staff Writer

No

EL PRADO Andy Rice × Arts + Culture Editor A Google search for “No” might come up short, but the six-piece Los Angeles band’s debut album certainly doesn’t. Released through Arts & Crafts on Feb. 18, the self-produced El Prado is a solid leap onto the scene. Symphonic and driven, “Leave The Door Wide Open” is a beastly opener. The growly baritone of singer Bradley Hanan Carter is the first thing you hear — a head-scratching blend of Neil Diamond, MeatLoaf, Dan Mangan, and the guy who sings “Safety Dance”. With a high end vacated by Carter’s atypical vocal range, guitars and synthesizers serve to fill out the band’s sound in a variety of ways, both ambient and thematic, layering up to create different textures. Tempos

do tend to be similar among many of the tracks, which doesn’t allow for a lot of variety, but there are subtle differences and the rhythmic textures breathe nicely. Exposed moments between the vocals and drums are used to great effect throughout the record. “The Long Haul” is a prime example.

Strong and sophisticated choruses are clearly a signature of No’s sound, adding a timeless quality to what is also a very current-sounding album. Void of many of the clichés that have come to both beleaguer and define the indie genre, even the ones the band does use are masked cleverly or done with a unique spin.

No will be playing at the Biltmore on April 5, joined by The Darcy’s and Reuben and the Dark.

By all accounts, it’ll be an evening worth saying yes to.

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Making a Vancouver crowd wait too long for an opening act is like putting a kid with ADHD in a candy store for an hour and telling him to sit still — they just can’t behave, and they just can’t help it. Such was the case on Thursday night when Chicago-based indie-folk singer Angel Olsen came to the Media Club and started her set 35 minutes late to a packed audience. The pixie-banged songstress and her band were met with raucous applause, and during her kick-off song “Free”, they commanded the audience, which collectively swayed with draught ciders in hand. Next up, Olsen showed off her vocal chops with a cover of Hank William’s “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry”, most famously known by Elvis Presley’s rendition.

Her country-inspired warble shone as she deftly crooned through the song, sounding almost like a sultry, feminine King of Rock. Without saying too much to the crowd, the band continued on, playing “Lights Out” and “Enemy” from her lat-

ANIMALS

× Arts + Culture Editor

MARCH 6, MEDIA CLUB

× Copy Editor

bend sinister Andy Rice

angel olsen Kristi Alexandra

Kid Cudi has a special place in hip-hop’s upper echelon that most rappers could only dream about. In an age where rap aficionados are more critical than ever in regards to an artist’s work, and in an age where rappers are more inclined to venture past their comfort zones, Cudi manages to please both his die-hard fans, yet still continue releasing his ever-evolving music. In his surprise EP-turned-album Satellite Flight: The Journey to Mother Moon, Cudi further shows off his growing reputation as rap’s resident anti-hero. The 10-track album kicks off with the – you guessed it – instrumental “Destination: Mother Moon” a dreamy and spacey sound that serves as a direct follow up to his last album Indicud. In “Going to the Ceremony” and the title track “Satellite Flight”, Cudi enlists his friend and go-to producer Dot da Genius to recreate the psychedelic rock sound that his duo, WZRD is known for. Throughout the album, Cudi touches on elements that made him into one of hip-hop’s most popular rappers.

The Raphael Saadiq assisted “Balmain Jeans” is a passionate bedroom tune that is reminiscent of his early mixtapes. In “Too Bad I Have to Destroy You Now”, Cudi channels his near-Twista-like spitfire rapping ability that is very much akin to

est album, Burn Your Fire For No Witness released in February. Pandering to some veteran fans, she also kicked out “Drunk And With Dreams” from her 2010 EP Strange Cacti. “Iota” and “Miranda” were clear hits with the crowd as people bumped and swayed along with guitar slides and hardhitting snares. Olsen shooed her band off the stage mid-set, proclaiming “I’m gonna play some quiet shit now,” hinting to the audience to settle down. She gently fingerpicked and sang through “Some Things Cosmic” while one particularly enthused sorority girl talked over her set about her adventures with the college-staple drinking game, Beer Pong. Some audience members took it upon themselves to “Shhh” other talkers in the crowd, while half of the room tried, intently, to listen to the songstress we had all come to see. Playing only two more songs before claiming she’d be playing her last tune, Olsen ended her set with “May As Well” and walked off stage, no encore to be had.

Perhaps we’ll get that encore next time, if Olsen decides to ever come back to Vancouver.

his original Man On The Moon album. The dreamy atmosphere, prominent synths and Cudi’s classic rap-sung style remain as the overarching highlights throughout the album. The relatively surprising release — Cudi only gave a month notice before the album came out — didn’t actually hurt the album’s sales as it debuted fourth on the Billboard 200 chart, moving about 87,000 digital copies upon its debut. Surprise or not, the biggest and most overlooked aspect of Satellite Flight is that this is the first solo album that Cudi released after his departure from Kanye West’s GOOD Music record label. Cudi’s shocking but amicable exit from his mentor’s roster is speculated to be due to his desire to venture into the farther edges of music and other forms of entertainment — Cudi, under his real name, Scott Mescudi is one of the supporting characters in the movie adaptation of Need for Speed. In terms of hip-hop, Satellite Flight continues a growing trend. West released his experimental, minimalist and critically acclaimed Yeezus, Childish Gambino had his atmospheric and singing-heavy Because the Internet. Both albums are considered to be trailblazers in experimental rap. Kid Cudi has been pushing the boundaries of hip-hop for years now, but Satellite Flight is the one that truly puts him past rap.

Bend Sinister could very well be the last remaining arena rock band to still be playing at local clubs. Timeless, fearless and iconic, the five-piece Vancouver group takes the best of the ‘70s and launches it seamlessly into today’s indie scene. It’s a sound that’s put them ahead of the pack and sometimes held them back as well, but it’s undoubtedly become their own iconic identity since their humble and very different beginnings as a progressive/metal project in 2001. Funny enough, lead singer Dan Moxon — now recognized as one of Vancouver’s best vocal acrobats — didn’t even sing a note on the band’s first album. Soon to be released on March 11 the band’s fifth LP, Animals puts his charismatic presence front and centre. Of all their releases to date, this is finally the one that has managed to capture all of the infectious onstage energy found in their live shows. The album opens with “Best of You” — a transition-filled epic akin to Elton John’s “Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding” or Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”, and sets the tone for the genre-bending onslaught that follows. Later on, “Better Things To Do” is one of the group’s best new tunes in years. A horn section adds punch to the arrangement, and hits home that vintage rock vibe that Bend Sinister

executes so well. It’s tunes like that where the band shines the brightest. “Thunder” and “Teacher” both show a glimpse of the virtuosic metal chops the foursome hasn’t lost from their earlier days — they can’t seem to help themselves from including at least one bombastic organ-heavy riot on their albums, and this one has several. Larger than life, and certainly bigger than four bearded men and their instruments, Animals is an intense record that demands your full attention. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it doesn’t allow for a great deal of exploration into Bend Sinister’s sensitive side. The only thing missing from this and many of their previous releases is a start-to-finish piano ballad or a vulnerable bearing of soul that exists for the sole purpose of inducing tears or snapping heartstrings. One would make perfect sense given the genres they so capably tap into, but yet they never do it. They hint at it often, but quickly build or transition away into other territory. “Through the Week” comes pretty damned close but still shies away by the end. Album closer “It Will Never End” is also a tease, but in a completely different way. Just when you think it has, in fact, ended, the band chases the tune with an epic wall of sound that crescendos into sudden silence. It makes you want to put the album on all over again, or at least take it to their next show to get it signed before these guys finally get the arena tour they deserve.

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Simpsons Trivia Night Simply Delicious 7 pm $5

@capilanocourier Tapestry Quilt

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CSU Library Lounge 10 am to 4 pm $ - free

@capcourier

From Russia With Love M 10

The Magee Theatre 7 pm $ - free

CapilanoCourier.com Nick Waterhouse

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The Biltmore Cabaret 8 pm $15

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Simply Delicious hosts Vancouver’s first ever classic Simpson’s trivia night. And by “classic” they mean seasons one to nine, which by any Simpsons’ fan opinion, are the only Simpsons episodes worthy of note. Free sushi goes to the first person who yells out, “I said boo-urns.”

Presented in conjunction with Five Days for the Homeless, the CSU is putting on a tapestry quilting and crafting session to raise awareness about homelessness in Vancouver. If you’re insecure in your housing, here is an opportunity to share your story. Food and snacks will be provided.

Not a James Bond adaptation like its event name suggests, but a great way to immerse yourself in some culture if you’re on a tight budget. And we mean really tight budget — kind of like the one Capilano’s on now. A Little Night Music Orchestra and the Magee Wind Ensemble perform works

by Tchaikovsky, Gliere, and Mussorgsky.

When Nick Waterhouse hit the Biltmore Cabaret with the Tarots last year, he was struggling to come into his own, sporting a very Buddy Holly look and a big band sound I wasn’t entirely sure he pulled off. Now, the producer/musician is touring in support of his album, fittingly named Holly.

Maybe he’s sharpened his chops.

Someone Who Gives A Damn

Chocolate Tasting Class

Beer Feast

JD Samson and MEN

BOSA Theatre 11:30 am to 1 pm $ - free

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The Modern Pantry 6:30 pm $40

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The Bottleneck 8 pm $60

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The Cobalt 4:15 pm $15

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Another event in conjunction with Five Days for the Homeless and not just an awesome lyric from that Jewel song, “Foolish Games”. Although this free film screening might tear you apart, unlike the Jewel song, there will be no “thoughtless words” but it could end up “breaking my heart”.

Did I mention I love Jewel and she used to be homeless?

If our Managing Editor, Scott Moraes, is a chocolate fan, then you can definitely expect to see him at this chocolate tasting class, where attendees will learn about cocoa growing regions, single origin chocolates, and processing techniques, and “what you should be on the look-out for when it comes to high-quality chocolate.”

Not to be confused with Broken Lizard’s hit movie BeerFest, Beer Feast is a beer-inspired dinner based around the theme of fermentation, featuring a menu crafted by chef Hugh Carbery and beers to match selected by Todd Graham of R&B Brewing. There will be no Babushka handwarming your sausages. Sorry.

If you can get over how weird it is that this event would start at 4:15 in the afternoon, you might just get really stoked that someone who worked with punk princess Kathleen Hanna is headlining the Cobalt. I mean, it’s not like having her here herself, but you could imagine, right?

Improv Test Kitchen

Someone Who'll Watch Over Me

Giants vs. Royals

Pictographs Of Indian Arm

Vancouver TheatreSports League 9:15 pm $10

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Renegade Studios 8 pm $16

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Pacific Coliseum 7 pm $19 to $25

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Vancouver Public Library 7 pm $ - free

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The Improv Test Kitchen is an exciting platform for new and innovative improvisational comedy.

Over the course of the show, you will witness the latest show concepts in the improv-comedy world – if you think you’ve seen it all, this is the show for you! This show goes on, same time, same place every Wednesday.

Originally written by Irish dramatist Frank McGuinness, this play is presented by Dancing Monkey Productions. An Irishman, an Englishman and an American are kidnapped and held hostage by unseen Arabs in Lebanon. As the three men strive for survival they also strive to overcome their nationalistic differences.

Crushed after that staggering loss at the Canucks Classic two Sundays ago? Maybe the Giants will restore your faith in local hockey teams… or maybe not. One thing’s for sure, poor Luongo is getting his butt kicked back to Florida. That’ll teach us ungrateful Vancouverites.

Photographic tour of the pictographs of Indian Arm with author Ralph Drew, who studies these archaeological sites in his recent book Forest & Fjord: The History of Belcarra. Something to do if you’ve, you know, never taken an interest in local history.

Paul Taylor

Creating Connections

Black Sheep

Helen Lawrence

First Nations Centre 1:30 pm $ - free

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Pinnacle Hotel 5:30 pm $15

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Shine 10 pm $15

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Arts Club Theatre 8 pm $35

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Speaker Paul Taylor may change how you view the topic of homelessness. Did you know a big portion of Capilano students are insecure in their housing? If you’re spending more than one-third of your income on rent, you are technically housing insecure. Learn all about what this means at Taylor’s seminar.

Since 2006, CapU has been helping business students create connections with business professionals at this event. The event is open to CapU’s school of business alumni, and third and fourth year students and industry members. You must buy a ticket before Monday, March 10.

Hip-hop duo from Queens, New York, composed of Andres "Dres" Titus and William "Mista Lawnge" McLean, with guests J. Sands, Legendary Hammers, Ham E, and DJ Makeway. Afterwards, stumble out onto the street and grab some of that fine Gastown 1 a.m. pizza before making your way to the SkyTrain. Holla!

The Arts Club brings you an intoxicating mixedmedia spectacle set in the Vancouver of 1948.

Visit the vanished worlds of the old Hotel Vancouver and Hogan’s Alley—the city’s hot spot for gambling and vice. Helen Lawrence is an intriguing, hard-boiled tale of loyalty, money and politics during a time of historic upheaval.

Shift N' Shout

Between The Sheets

Salt Spring In The City

Celtic Fest Gala

Sideshow Studios 7:30 pm $15

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Admiral Seymour Elementary 8 pm $16

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Heritage Hall 9 am to 4 pm $2

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Vogue Theatre 8 pm $30

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Presented by SHIFT theatre, this is a first-ever karaoke dance party, including all-you-can-karaoke and “dareoke” where those who are particularly confident in their vocal prowess can submit their name into a pool to be chosen to perform a song of the audience’s choosing. Warm up those lungs!

Be audience to the most uncomfortable parentteacher interview you might ever sit through. In the spirit of Tony and Tina’s Wedding drama, act as a real participant or spectator at the event, held at Admiral Seymour Elementary. “It’s a nailson-chalkboard lesson in fiction meets reality,” its website boasts.

Creative talents influenced and inspired by Salt Spring Island come together to bring their distinct flavour to Vancouver. Visitors to the show will have a unique opportunity to discover the best of what the island has to offer, as well as win an exciting array of prizes. More than just a market; it is an artist-run collaboration.

The festival celebrates 10 years in style with a night featuring Celtic music’s finest. Newfoundland-inspired music of award-winning The Once, banjo virtuoso Jayme Stone’s Lomax Project with Eli West, Moira Smiley, Brittany Haas and Joe Phillips, The Paperboys and one of Ireland's hottest new bands, Hermitage Green, play in celebration.

Celtic Village And Street Market

Rich Hope And His Blue Rich Rangers

Playdome Indoor Carnival

Sparkle Spandex Party

The Biltmore Cabaret 7 pm $10

BC Place 10:30 am to 9 pm $29

Granville Street 11 am to 6 pm $ - cost of a leprechaun’s jig

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Homegrown talent abounds with this tribute to the ‘70s. Hidden Charms presents local roots band featuring singer-guitarist Rich Hope performing the Byrds' iconic Sweetheart of the Rodeo album in its entirety. Any Pamela Des Barres wannabes won’t want to miss this.

If you just couldn’t afford that ticket to Florida for spring break, here’s an alternative that’ll see you having fun — but keep your shirts on, this is definitely not a venue for Girls Gone Wild. Feel like you're floating in air with the Zero Gravity ride, be spun around on the new open air cars of the Ring of Fire and be flung into oblivion on the Super Shot.

Gung Haggis Fat Choy

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Bill Burr

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If Douche is your second language, this event is for you. Dress up in tight and bright spandex and spend your early St. Patricks Day doing shots with others who say their favourite colour is “neon” and love EDM. You probably won’t see any Courier staffers here, but have fun!

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A street fest boasting Celtic music, dance, food and shopping. Includes local dance troupes on the CelticFest Community Stage, a mass Celtic-drum session, a penny-whistle workshop and more. If there’s a rainbow, you’re sure to find a pot of gold and a four-leaf clover. Just kidding. Probably just a bunch of drunk white people.

Electric Owl 10:30 pm $15

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Floata Restaurant 5 pm $65

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Celebrating B.C. Scottish and Chinese pioneer culture, history through music, poetry and culinary fusion, Floata Restaurant will host this historical evening of culture. Menu highlights previous years have included deep-fried haggis wonton and haggis pork dumpling (su-mei) along with appetizer courses. Mmmm.

Fortune Sound Club 8 pm $25

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Okay, I know this hip-hop group from Cleveland, Ohio, has done a lot for urban music, but let me just talk about the time they did a song with Mariah Carey. So Brilliant and lovely, and it’s just a damn shame she won’t be joining them on stage. She’s just so fabulous it hurts. Guests RC Tha Hazzard and Money Hungry open.

Vogue Theatre 7:30 pm $39.50

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American standup comedian and actor known for his appearances at the Just for Laughs Festival and his roles on Chappelle's Show and Breaking Bad. Also, the first comedian to ever make me feel really insecure about my ultra-pale “ashy” skin. Thanks Bill. Thanks for that.

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Staff Editorial man, i feel like a woman

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Kristi Alexandra × Copy Editor

THE CAPILANO COURIER

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47 ISSUE N O . 20

Until recently, I had never considered myself a feminist. I feel that the word, intrinsically, contradicts the exact message it’s trying to achieve — a sense of equality between genders. I once read an interview with Virginia Woolf where she was asked if she was a feminist, and she replied, “Do I consider myself a feminist? I don’t know. I am a humanist.” Since that interview, the word humanist has come to take on the meaning of being secular in contrast to taking on any spiritual or religious labels, rather than what Woolf meant when she said it.

So when the same question is posed to me, I think, ‘Am I a feminist?’ Like Woolf, I’m a proponent of equal rights. I’m hesitant to call myself a feminist because there are so many veins of feminism – radical, conservative, first-wave, secondwave, the list goes on – that I find the word can be rather divisive. It’s the difference between looking at a woman who’s a stripper by trade and calling her an unfortunate product of a chauvinistic maledominated society, or celebrating and respecting her career choices because, well, she fucking chose it and victimizing women who are comfortable in their own skin is a huge setback to the feminist narrative. I think you can tell which side I’m on.

General Motors just hired Mary Barra, their first female CEO — in fact, she’s the first female CEO to work for any major car company — which is a huge victory for her and for women all over America. What’s less of a win for the “fairer sex” is the fact that she’s making less than half the salary that her male predecessor did. It has never been as visible to me as it is now that women face so many gross injustices when trying to be an equal and valued member of society.

In 2008, when Alaska governor and Republican Sarah Palin campaigned for John McCain and an all-American government that touted hunting, traditional opposite-sex marriages and a little bit of

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Jesus, her platform was talked about in media far less than her appearance and body, which seemed to be what everyone took note of. Yep, there was a woman in politics, and she was hot.

Something that hits a little bit closer to home, as a woman in publishing, is the struggle to be taken seriously as a professional writer. Even in a field that isn’t as traditionally masculine as, say, mechanics, those of us blessed/cursed – take your pick – with a vagina fight to be seen as equals to males in the same position. A friend of mine, for example, is a freelance writer with bylines in local skate and snowboard magazines. As a former resident of Whistler, a journalism grad and a snowboarder herself, she knows her beat and the community she’s writing for – she’s a more than qualified candidate for a writer at the magazines she occasionally works for. Recently, after a few months without writing for one of her regular magazines, she sent a pitch query to her editor. In exchange for publishing her piece, he suggested that she offer up a sexual service as well. Disgusted, she never wrote him back, leaving him devoid of the content she was offering to his magazine and the blowjob he was digging for. In effort not to burn her connection with the magazine, we won’t publish her or her editor’s name – because ultimately, you can’t bite the hand that feeds you, even if that hand is inclined to travel down your backside and give you an unwelcome smack on the ass.

When I went through a nasty break-up two years ago, I was separating my stuff from my now-ex live-in boyfriend’s, who happened to be a musician. Dividing our things into separate piles – records, magazines, scarves and knick knacks – a friend who was helping me exclaimed “Well, really, how many of those records are actually yours?” and “Are you sure those Spin magazines aren’t his?”

Not only was she wrong — yes, those records were mine and yes, I did have a subscription to Spin

× Cheryl Swan

all on my own — she committed what I think was a grave sin against my idea of equality. It’s the idea that, as a woman, my interests are defined by the men I’m with. It’s the idea that, even though I’ve dedicated my short career as a writer mostly to music-centric publications, it’s no more than a whim that’s delineated from what my boyfriends like because women have no real self-serving interests and career goals.

Situations like the ones that leave my friend without a byline only because she refuses to stuff

her face with cock, or that question how my interests will change as my relationships with men do, have me reconsidering whether or not I consider myself a feminist. If the alternative to being a feminist is being a doormat, then fuck yes, I’m a feminist – and you can find me in my room dancing to Christina Aguilera’s “Can’t Hold Us Down” whilst waving a cucumber between my legs and fucking the proverbial man.

caboose millionaire Michael Ros × Writer “That’s the type of B-Movie that will never give any gore.”

Josh is preaching to Nick, who wants gore from the B-Movie the TVs are silently addressing the restaurant with. It’s a thriller from the ‘70s, which is mixing with the satellite radio from the ‘90s — a showtime, soft-pop combination. The air smells like fish and grease.

“Didn’t have it back then, gore. Didn’t exist. A B-Movie from the ’70s will never give it, especially if it’s on the marquee in a place like this.”

Josh leans back as he talks, his teeth dance with the toothpick dangling from his chin. His orange hair is styled into a wave above his magazine-skin — a persona bursting with credibility.

Nick listens. Nick’s skin is scarred with the acne-remnants of his youth, his baldness the first present from his future-self — a beard the devil may have designed.

“I’m underwhelmed and I’m afraid I might not recover,” Nick says.

Josh laughs. Together Nick and Josh form a team, and report to their higher-up, Dave. Together Nick and Josh are in the lucrative business of killing people and, as for today, out for Tuesday brunch.

“Hey, you got a light?” Nick asks.

“A light? You can’t smoke in here. You wanted gore from that shit — now you want a light?”

“Can’t say you can’t try.”

Josh raises his coffee cup and taps the end with his mini-spoon — as if at a wedding reception, encouraging a kissing bride and groom. In a second, a blonde, brown-eyed hostess snaps over.

“Listen hun — you smoke?” Josh asks, his eyes combing her hair.

The hostess — holding a dull, silver coffee pot — pauses. She grudgingly nods her head once.

“Hun, I’m sorry. I need your lighter,” Josh says, the toothpick dancing. “And another cup of coffee — if you will.”

The hostess refills the china-white mug, digs into her pockets, and flips a pink Bicco on the table before heading in the opposite direction. Josh leans forward and reaches for the sugar.

“You gotta tell me what happened with Alex,” Nick says, pocketing the lighter.

“You ain’t gonna smoke?”

“Realized I left my pack in the car while you were flirting with that blonde.”

Josh laughs and takes a sip of coffee. “Well about Alex, there isn’t anything to tell — there was nothing to do. Had Mia with me — wasn’t a date or anything — fuck no, me and her just got there and shit falls through the way shit is fucking destined to always fall through.”

Josh is addressing Alex, an inner city dealer who used to do business with Dave —responsible for missing seven payments ringing a total just shy of seven figures.

“You got anything yet?” Josh asks, taking a bite of his sausage.

“One job,” Nick says. “But, you know, Mia isn’t

joining.”

“No shit, Mia’s dead.”

“No shit. Listen, you have to tell me what happened.”

Josh laughs — his mouth full. Chewing, he pops the top button of his collar to reveal a carpet of orange hair crawling up his neck. “Because she wanted to join. You know Mia, and you can believe it, too. Dave leaves for the desert and she ain’t got shit to do except join me in my own personal business. You know no one else is going to marry Dave without that kind of personality.”

“You don’t think she knew better?”

“Fuck no.”

“So tell me how it went down.”

Josh stabs at an egg. “Well someone else got to him first — Alex was in deep with a lot of people. They put the body in the bathroom, we could smell it through the door.” Josh bites the egg. “Eyes gouged out, blood everywhere — blood the consistency of fuckin’ pasta sauce. You don’t wanna know what happened to the lower side of him.”

Nick takes a sip of water. “So she had a heart attack or something?”

“Yep. Mighta’ had a condition, I don’t know, it put her in shock. Wasn’t anything I could do,” he says, a string of yolk running down his chin. “So then I had two bodies to deal and was getting the rate for just one.”

Nick laughs, takes another sip of water. “You bring her scarf? Dave wants it, remember.”

Josh reaches into the pocket and pulls out a

piece of dark cloth. “Yeah, it’s here, though Dave told me earlier he didn’t give a shit.”

“Yeah, well, guy changes his mind.” Nick unravels the scarf. Long, cotton, black. The same colour as her hair. Nick puts it in his pocket.

Josh nods to the movie screen, credits now rolling. “1978. Parasol Monsters,” he takes a gulp of his coffee, swallows. “Knew it — fuck I’ve a memory.”

Nick finishes his water. Josh puts a new toothpick in his mouth.

“Full tank, like I asked?” Nick asks.

“Yeah. You owe me forty. Let’s go.”

They meet at their car sitting in the gravel lot outside, an old baby blue Mustang. Josh gets in the passenger side and Nick stops.

“Let me just check something on the car,” Nick says.

“Sure, just don’t take too long.” Josh rolls his head. “We spent way too fucking long in there.”

A moment passes, and Nick raps on the passenger window. Josh rolls it down.

“I left something back in the restaurant, give me five minutes,” Nick says.

Josh laughs. “Man, Nick — you ain’t worth a fuckin’ dollar.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I feel like a millionaire.”

Nick walks back towards the restaurant, crunching gravel beneath the soles of his boots. Behind him the scarf lies unravelled and ignited, the flame crawling its way up the black cotton into the mouth of the open gas tank.

the condemned Steve Tornes × Writer

×

end, I will try to face the unknown. Perhaps I will reach out and grab her, or turn to see her face, or maybe even walk towards her, but I wonder whether I can live up to myself. These are, after all, hard times for dreamers and so I wish for sleep without dreams. I cannot prepare for this so I wish to avoid it as much as possible.

It is time now, to rest and sleep and perhaps grow.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

47 ISSUE N O . 20

× Cheryl Swan

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away, is unavoidable. This is the longest dream, which feels like it lasts the length of a day.

The dreams always end unfinished and many theories have arisen on their nature. Some say that the old woman is a mass subconscious fear of the inevitability of death, or a cosmic entity which judges and finds us lacking. All we know is that she appears with hatred, and we can never see her face or feel her touch. She appears to want something from us, although we don’t have anything to offer.

However, there is now a new popular theory which states that there is a fourth dream version.

Since a notable minority do not remember their dream, it has been hypothesised that they all see a different dream, and a notable symptom of it is forgetfulness. Perhaps they have seen something so horrific, that it must be forgotten. The theory’s proponents claim that the dreamer arrives at an unavoidable and untimely end, although how, it is unknown. Recently, more and more people have no memory of their dream, suggesting that this possible fourth version is happening more frequently. Perhaps she has found something worth taking from us.

I am currently labelled as one of the condemned for I have not yet had the dream. Everybody knows that one day I must, but it is unknown as to whether my sentence will be reduced to an unknown dream, or a lifetime memory. I am currently at the age of twenty, an uncommon, though not an unnatural age to be without this nightmare.

My goal, if at all possible, is to discover some purpose to this universally shared experience. To this

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It has been said that the image of an old crone, drenched in seaweed, will appear once in every person’s dreams. The cowl itself hides an unrepentant visage, which eyes the dreamer with uncommon hatred. Since everybody experiences this dream in their lifetime, it has become a kind of rite of passage in our society. Most people, after the nightly visitation, wake up covered in sweat, often supposed to be sea water by the victim, and clinging to some ill feeling of conscious fear. A small, fortunate minority wake up without any memory of the meeting. The only evidence that the dream has occurred is that they will be unable to sleep for almost three nights, a common symptom of all affected.

Regardless on the individual, everyone has one of three dreams. In the first dream, the person is standing, unable to move, as the old woman slowly walks towards them, with her wrinkled hands reaching towards their face. Before she touches them, the dreamer inevitably wakes up. In the second dream, she walks behind the dreamer and unnaturally mimics his every step, but if he should stop, with his back turned, he can hear an almost inaudible extra step. The person never sees the wraith, but her presence, usually described as revolting malady, always scares the dreamer so that they never turn around.

They often report an overpowering smell of something once drowned. In the third and final possible dream, she has appeared on the horizon, never moving, but watching the dreamer with unrestrained malevolence. The stare, although far

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caboose

JEREMY HANLON CABOOSE EDITOR

CABOOSE@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

SHOTGUN REVIEWS: TOYS!

REAL BABY DOLLS

OOZINATOR

POLES FOR KIDS

BARBIES

Gabriel Scorgie // Writer

Faye Alexander // Ooze Lover

Carlo Javier // Staff Writer

Alva Tee // Writer

Realistic baby-doll toys are, without a doubt, the most fucked up and twisted toy to ever exist. Giving new meaning to the term “baby-momma”, three year olds can experience the joy of caring for an infant — complete with crying, diaper pissing and crawling. These toys are being marketed to a generation of parents who grew up watching the Child’s Play movies. They were terrorized as children by exactly the type of toy that’s being sold to them. Getting a drink of water at night and seeing their daughter’s toy doll crawling around the house is asking for all kinds of PTSD related flashbacks.

And anybody would spend $199.99 on a toy doll in the first place should go ahead and reinvest that money into a shrink instead. It’s like you want your child to become one half of the Grady twins.

What’s worse is that they’ve become collectibles for adults now. Grown men and women have display cases filled with life-like baby dolls. They probably fit in nicely with their blow-up doll spouse and taxidermied dog. Now there’s a dinner party that would even make Jeffery Dahmer uncomfortable.

Super Soakers may have been your favourite sidekick when looking for a fun-filled face blasting cool down in those warm Canadian summers — but that was 15 years ago, you cripster! How old are you, anyway? Kids nowadays aren‘t “wowed” by just regular H20! Generation Z are all addled with ADD, they practically came out the womb with X-Boxes and cyber-bullying to keep their superior minds subdued. Hasbro has to keep things fresh, they needed to somehow improve upon their Super Soaker model — and someone came up with a revolutionary idea. “I know,” some repressed Hasbro employee thought, “let’s trade in water for ooze with the same colour and consistency of cold semen.” Genius. Kids are blasting one another in the face with fresh loads of white globular goo and laughing maniacally. Teaching kids to furiously pump and blast white ooze straight to the face is pretty disturbing. I don’t know if I’m a perv, or Hasbro is a perv, or if all of Generation Z are just a bunch of pervs. Thanks Hasbro.

Children are delicate little things. They’re easy to amuse, can be persuaded with the simplest of bribes and they can be terrified by anything.

They’re also innocent victims of absolutely awful and creepy toys. One of which is the peek-a-boo stripper pole. Yes, a retailing chain in Great Britain called Tesco once sold the peek-a-boo stripper pole to “participants of 11 years old and upwards,” complete with an actual pole an instructional DVD and even fake money. Couldn’t they have been more obvious? I mean if they didn’t include the fake money then it could’ve just been a really bad way to develop future gymnasts. But they did add fake money into it. Athletes are getting recruited at an increasingly younger age, younger singers are getting discovered, and now, children are having their first exposure to pole dancing before they even hit middle school. You might think that a jack in the box or a Norwegian doll is creepy, but neither of those comes close to how scary the thought of an 11 year old handling a pole can be.

Gymnast, yeah right.

Picture this: a woman with a neck too thin and twice as long as it should be. With that noodle neck, she has a head too big that is left dangling crooked to the side (think zombie with a broken neck). She has a waist so thin that no more than half a liver and a bit of intestine can exist, so the majority of what she eats is regurgitated (oh so attractive). With ankles too small to actually walk, she would have to drag her body along the floor to get anywhere while hoping that her head doesn’t fall right off. As she’s hauling her body around, a pristine smile is plastered on her face never changing with piercing eyes staring into your soul. This creature — oops — I mean, woman, is what Barbie would be in real life. Personally, I think that’s creepy as hell. I’m not really into something that could very well eat me alive in real life (except not because she wouldn’t be able to digest me), let alone have to play with it as a toy. But hey, to each their own. Like a wise woman named Aqua once said, “Imagination. Life is your creation.”

W/ JEREMY "DENTURES" HANLON A TRIP TO MY GYNECOLOGIST WELL, THAT GOT AWKWARD FAST HOBBITS YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BIG FEET

× Alain Champagne

THE ONE RING "OH! MR FRODO!"

RUNNING WITH A THEME I MIGHT HAVE RE-WATCHED LORD OF THE RINGS MINI GOLF LET'S SEE TIGER WOODS GET THROUGH THAT DAMN WINDMILL. INDIE BANDS NOT ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL

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VOLUME

47 ISSUE N O . 20

ARWEN I HEAR SHE GOT ARAGORNORRHEAH.

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COLOGNE ON THE BUS WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? NAPOLEON BONAPARTE DECEPTIVELY LARGE JOAN OF ARC THE FIRST REVERED SCHIZOPHRENIC

× Cole Pauls