Capilano Courier // Volume 48 // Issue 16 by Capilano Courier

VOL UME

NORTH VANCOUVER, FEBRUARY 2ND 2015

ISSUE

N O . 16

Chem i c in ba ally lanc e The pe rfect

form ula t o

falli ng in

CSU ELECTION

KINKY SEX

love

SWIPE RIGHT ONLINE PRANKS

CAPILANO Courier

@capilanocourier

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

@capilanocourier capilanocourier.com

News

A+C

CaleNdar

Features

OpiNiONs

COlumNs

CapYOu

Bulcroft Bolts

Sexual Education

Reading Break, Baby!

Boys In Your Hood

What's Your Condom Budget?

Introducing Sports!

Robert The Caf Guy

ON the Cover CristiaN FOwlie

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS:

Taelore Keyana, Sarah Unger, Christine Beyleveldt, Jasper Grau, Sabrina Kuhn, Cole Blight, Matt Jolliffe, Keara Farnan

Cristian Fowlie is a jack of all trades creative, with dreams of owning a sphinx cat and working for Kanye West. See his work at Cristianfowlie.tumblr.com

CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS:

Cristian Fowlie, Samantha Smith, Megan Collinson, Sydney Parent, Tierney Milne, Kelsey Holden, Taylor Lee, Guillem Rovira, J.R. Pinto, Shannon Elliott THANK YOU

To everyone who's assisted, stayed late, missed us when we stayed late, brought beer, sent love and supportive texts, and of yours all you who have picked up the Courier. Hi Mom!

The Capilano Courier is an autonomous, democratically run student newspaper. Literary and visual submissions are welcomed. All submissions are subject to editing for brevity, taste, and legality. The Capilano Courier will not publish material deemed by the collective to exhibit sexism, racism or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier Publishing Society.

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

To advertise in the Courierâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pages, please contact our Advertising Director, Andy Rice, at 778-855-9942 or advertising.capcourier@gmail.com. We are proud to offer discounts to non-profit organizations and North Shore customers. A full media kit with sizes, rates and deadlines is available on our website, CapilanoCourier.com.

The Staff

Leah Scheitel Editor-in-Chief

Therese Guieb News Editor

of this love it so much, we be here all goddamn night university newspaper

Andy Rice Managing Editor

Alva Tee Arts + Culture Editor

Andrew Palmquist Production Manager

Faye Alexander Features Editor

Gabriel Scorgie Opinions Editor

Cheryl Swan Art Director

Carlo Javier Lifestyle Editor

Ricky Bao Business Manager

Brandon Kostinuk Web Editor

Letter From The Editor Leah Scheitel, Editor-in-Chief

Romantically stunted "If you're single and think your life sucks, you suck, and that's why you're single."- Lisa Ewasko I’m positive that my mom often looks at my brother and I and wonders where she faltered. Don’t get me wrong, she is proud of us in her own right. She’s still beaming at the fact that my brother uprooted his life and moved to Saskatoon to live with my grandma during her last years, enabling her to live at home until she passed. And I think she likes that I’m pursuing my ambition of being a writer even though it provides no job security, as much as that scares her shitless. However, as my brother and I broach the ages of 32 and 29, respectively, not only are we both single, we aren’t even actively looking. Surely, my mother is looking at us, wondering why we are incapable of even wanting to find a relationship. My brother has been celibate for over four years. It’s a choice he made after a girl scorned his heart. She was such a bitch (my words, not his) that he decided until it was worth it, he wasn’t going actively pursue any romantic relationships. He often preaches about his choice, saying that it is better than wasting time on romantic relationships that are pretty futile in the end. At times, I find myself agreeing with him. I’m more active in my romantic pursuits. I had a Tinder profile, and dated a nice guy from New Zealand for the fall semester. I recently ended things with him, and it was a terrible experience. I made his face look like I just ran over his puppy dog with a wheelchair. I never want to be responsible for making someone’s face look that sad ever again. I felt so bad that I spent 100 bucks on booze to ease his pain. Not only does breaking up make me feel like a horrible person, it is also fucking expensive. I told my mom about ending my three-month relationship, and admitted that I found the whole experience of breaking up with someone so terrible that I never wanted to do it again. She asked if I was just never going to date again, like my older brother. I assured her that I was going to continue dating and looking for relationships, but if they had to end, he better be the one to dump me. “That’s how it’s always happened before,” she responded, “I don’t think you’ll have a hard time getting that to happen.” I couldn’t help but notice the disdain in her voice. And although she reassures us that she is fine without being “the mother of the bride” or even having grandchildren to hang out with, it must be hard for her. Each year, she receives an endless parade of wedding initiations and baby announce-

ments from her friends’ children, who are in the same age bracket as my brother and I. She must open announcement after announcement, look at my brother reading yet another sci-fi novel and let out a giant exhale. While my brother preaches the benefits of bachelorhood and I rant about how cool my two cats are, I can see how this would worry my mother. Part of rearing children into functioning adults is teaching them how to have healthy romantic relationships with others. It must be disheartening to see her nieces and nephews step into adulthood with the ease we lack. My brother and I would much rather get drunk on whiskey and play Star Wars Monopoly all night long than entertain a romantic date. Maybe we’re discouraged after a decade of shitty experiences, maybe we are romantically stunted and maybe it’s just not the right time for us. Whatever the reason, my brother and I are getting into our 30s without romance, and neither of us seemed to be too concerned about it. That’s not to say that I’m actively against embarking on a relationship, like my brother seems to be at times. Often, I think it would be nice to lay around most of the day and play Scrabble games – in my mind, this is what healthy couples do. I often do think that I’m missing out on a relationship, as I’m sure it would be a great learning experience on compromise for me. Currently, I don’t really know how to do that too well. But the thing is that I’ve made a pretty good life for myself. I like what I do, I like where I live, and my roommate, Lucy, and I have a very productive living situation. I’m happy. And for me to make room for a relationship in my life, I’m going to have to see the value in it. I don’t need a relationship for the sake of having a constant date through wedding season or to have someone to introduce to my family. I’ve been getting drunk at those events just fine solo for years now. For me to be open to something serious, it would have to be worth it, and the value of relationships isn’t often apparent from the start. It’s not like men walk around with price tags on their forehead, advertising the worth they’d bring to a relationship. So it’s a bit of a catch-22 situation I’m in. I’m divulging all of this because it’s the annual Valentine’s Day issue, and it’s the only time where I feel required to write about love, or the lack thereof. And after all of that secret sharing, I would like to say that my singledom is not my mom’s fault. With any luck and a little belief, this Valentine’s Day might be my first romantic one in a long while.

tweets OF the week

the VOiCe BOx

with

Andy Rice

The Voicebox is back, ready to humbly respond to your questions, concerns, and comments about anything. To inquire, just send a text to 778.855.9942 to anonymously "express" and "voice" your "opinion" and "thoughts" on any "subject" or "issue." And, as long as it's not offensive, we will publish it here, right in the Voicebox. It's a win - win, or whine - whine whatever way you look at it.

Why do you guys talk about Tinder ALL the time? Are you sponsored by Tinder? I’ve never seen an ad.

You guys are awesome! Every issue is just such a pleasure to read!!! Keep up the good work! The last time my mom got a new phone number, this was how I found out. But seriously, thank you for the kind words! We have fun making this thing every week, and sometimes it feels like nobody’s reading. But now we know that you are, and that’s super rad! ;)

PureVPN @purevpn Officially the longest time Facebook has been knocked offline. #facebookdown Taylor Nikolai @TaylorNikolai Now that Facebook is back up I can go back to not posting on Facebook! #facebookdown

I drove around North Van for three hours on Tuesday looking for Bulcroft Buick and couldn’t find the place anywhere. Siri couldn’t even find it. I wanted to see if they still had that 2004 Ratchet Barge on the lot. Does Bulcroft Buick even exist? Is it in the auto mall? Are you sure it hasn’t changed ownership and been bought out by Jimmy Pattison or something?

Ripper @Ace_Of_Pace Just had to call someone, open my mouth and speak actual words to wish them a Happy Birthday because #facebookdown :(

Yeah, that was a spoof ad, and we put some fine print on there that you obviously didn’t read. That’s okay though, there’s always next time, but you should really pay closer attention in the future, you know, for your safety. That kind of thing can be deadly with medication and legal contracts and stuff. Stay alive, my friend!

Rituparna Chatterjee @MasalaBai I'm outside & I can't figure what filter this is, but it's not awesome. Trees look awful. Hope they didn't pay a lot for this. #facebookdown

Is Gabe, your opinions editor, single?

Kenya West© @KinyanBoy It's so many people out there right now, scratching their scalp off trying to figure out their Twitter password #facebookdown

Ask me that one more time. I dare you.

Basel Anabtawi @BaselAnabtawi This was the best 20 minutes in Twitters history #Facebookdown

Molly McIsaac @MollyMcIsaac We shall speak of this day in history class someday. We survived. We all survived. #facebookdown

Durjoy Datta @durjoydatta Two minute silence for all the people stuck in bathroom stalls not knowing what to do. #facebookdown Ali LeRoi @mrleroi I don't think it's ever been reported on Facebook that Twitter was down. #Zuckerberg you lose. #facebookdown We Know Melbourne @WeKnowMelbourne Remember life before the Internet? That moment is now. Embrace it. #FacebookDown #Dontlettwittergodown

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

That’s because we are the ad. Just kidding, we should probably stop supporting those assholes. That being said, if you have a problem with our (mainly Leah, Carlo and Faye’s) incessant mentioning of Tinder, you’re not going to like this issue one bit. There are references everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Swipe right through the pages and see!

#FACEBOOKDOWN

ELECTIONS

MEET THE CANDIDATES

VOTING STARTS THIS WEEK @ CSU LIBRARY LOUNGE POLLS ARE OPEN FROM:

GET TO KNOW YOUR FUTURE CAMPUS LEADERS Election season is in full swing on campus as the Capilano Students’ Union (CSU) has announced this year’s electoral candidates. On Jan. 27 and 29, an All Candidates Forum was held to give each candidate a chance to share their ideas and platform to students on campus. We caught up with all of the electoral candidates* to learn what they have in store for the future of Capilano University and what they have brewing for Valentine’s Day. *Sephia Jeon, running for Global Studies Representative, did not respond to the Courier's requests before ress deadline.

FEB. FEB. FEB. FEB.

5pm 5pm 6pm 4pm

Zach Renwick - Business

Kate Phifer - Tourism Management

Rhita Hassar - Business

Q. What plans or changes will you implement if elected?

Q. What attributes do you have that will help you if elected to this position?

Q. What plans or changes will you implement if elected?

I was really hoping to run a campaign encouraging youth involvement in the federal elections, as well as one addressing student concerns for TransLink, regardless of the way the referendum goes. Finally, I want bring the puppies back to campus. Yup, that’s right. Game changer!

Over the last year I have reviewed and created countless contracts on behalf of the Society, improved financial reporting and accounting processes, and participated in all Collective Bargaining sessions as we negotiate a new Collective Agreement with our unionized staff. One of the most exciting aspects of this position is that I am able to directly apply the knowledge I have learned in my Accounting and Business courses to the work I will do within the CSU.

If I am elected my plans are to continue to grow and develop student life on campus. I think that Capilano University has so much potential to be a fun and vibrant campus. Using my experience sitting on this collective this year, I will help student life become more active and engaging. I want to see more pub nights, more fun events like the Rail Jam and more activities for students.

If I am elected, I would focus on two main objectives: First, enhancing student experience through increasing clubs and clubs’ presence on campus as well as work along the Vice President of University Relations and Services to provide students with a Students’ Union Building in the future and to work with the university to have a pub on campus. My second main objective would be to build and strengthen community relations through collaborations with other students’ unions, especially the VPs of student life of other universities.

Q. State an interesting fact about yourself

My ideal Valentine’s Day date would happen in the warm Mediterranean Sea, atop a sailboat with the sun on our shoulders and wind in our hair.

I used to really be into bike racing. I was so committed, I shaved my legs and would make sure all my shorts were the same length (so as to preserve those crisp tan-lines). Holy crap I was weird.

Q. What is your ideal Valentine’s Day date?

VICE-PRESIDENT OF STUDENT LIFE

Q. What plans or changes will you implement if elected?

Q. What is your ideal first date? My ideal first date would be June 1, 2015 with your CSU as Vice-President of External Relations.

Q. If you would be able to bring a celebrity to CapU who would it be and why? If I was still in touch with her, I would bring Ellen Degeneres! She's just amazing and so much fun. The campus would have such a great time in her company. Unfortunately, we didn't stay in touch.

Heidi Anderson - Liberal Studies

Jullian Kolstee - Communications

Brittany has done a great job in this role. I’m not looking to make major changes because the issues haven’t changed: we still need to increase core funding, we still need to decrease student debt and we still need better transit. However, I am interested in looking at new approaches to these issues that could yield different results, such as seeking out student grant and apprenticeship programs that more proportionally reflect a diverse economy.

VICE-PRESIDENT OF STUDENT LIFE

BUSINESS AND PROFESSIONAL STUDIES

VICE-PRESIDENT OF UNIVERSITY RELATIONS AND SERVICES

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Taylor Wilson - Film

VICE-PRESIDENT OF EXTERNAL RELATIONS

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

9.30am 9.30am 9.30am 9.30am

VICE-PRESIDENT OF INTERNAL DEVELOPMENT

February 7, because that's my actual first date — the day I was born.

/ / / /

VICE-PRESIDENT OF EXTERNAL RELATIONS

Q. What is your ideal first date?

VICE-PRESIDENT OF STUDENT LIFE

2 3 4 5

Sacha Fabry - Global Stewardship Q. What attributes do you have that will help you if elected to this position? My first term in office has given me a firm grasp of the University's internal structure and allowed me to understand the most pressing issues being debated. With my current knowledge, I plan on continuing to advocate for students at every level. Q. What do you have planned for Valentine’s Day? Probably crying on the couch, eating ice cream and watching Friends re-runs.

I’m doing my studies a lot on engagement and engagement with children and this position you really need to be engaged with the students and [be] engaging with the clubs and the faculty members and I just want to have a greater sense of community on campus, and also, people are paying money into the organization. I really want to give their money’s worth, feel like they’re paying into something that’s worth it for them and [that] the university experience is great, memorable and fun. Q. What is your ideal first date?

Emily Solomon - Business Q. What plans or changes will you implement for your collective if elected? My highest priority as a faculty representative is, and would continue to be, to establish and fortify the front-line connection that the CSU has with its members. Our job is first and foremost to represent the student body, and to adequately live up this responsibility, our duty begins with outreach work with the students. Q. State an interesting fact about yourself.

Something relaxed where you get to know the person and like the real person and I guess watch a movie and eat yummy food that I make, because I love to bake.

I’m actually a mermaid.

ELECTIONS SOCIAL JUSTICE COORDINATOR

QUEER STUDENTS’ LIASION

Taylor Smith - Liberal Studies

Jon Kinsley - Communications

Jonald Chan - Arts and Sciences

Kyle LeGrow - Tourism Management

Q. What plans or changes will you implement for your collective if elected?

Q. What plans or changes will you implement if elected?

Q. What plans or changes will you implement for your collective if elected?

I’m looking to decrease barriers for students who are facing systemic inequalities within the University. It’s come to my attention that many students have been dealing with various issues in which they are either silenced, uncertain of resources, or not welcomed to talk about. This can range from access to affordable and stable housing, violence prevention, or even questions on legal advocacy all from a student perspective. Overall, I want to give students the stepping stones to success, no matter who they are. I’m open to doing workshops on stereotypes and stigma, or even engaging the student community on topics such as justice for street youth, sexual health and consent, criminal harassment, inequality in the classroom, and violence. Most of all, I would like our university to join the fight in calling for a national inquiry for Missing and Murdered Indigenous women.

As I have been in the position for the last two years I would continue to create a larger presence on campus. To make our campus a more welcoming and friendly space and bringing attention the issues faced by this community. This year for the first time ever we will be hosting Capilano Pride on campus I would like to continue initiatives such as this and develop more of a solid base on campus, building more connections with faculty and staff.

I plan to have more events throughout the school year promoting the enrolment of new and current students into the Arts and Sciences program. This will allow some classes that are not currently offered at Capilano University to become available, such as microbiology.

I have two main goals if elected. First would be to get healthier food options on campus with options from multiple vendors to increase competition. In turn, this will keep prices lower for students instead of Aramark [and its] unprofessional staff profiting off of our hard-earned dollars by selling unhealthy fast food. Secondly, I would like to help initiate more on-campus activities to bring students from the different departments together while utilizing our ability to serve alcohol in the CSU.

Q. State an interesting fact about yourself.

Q. State an interesting fact about yourself. I’ve driven across Canada and hitchhiked from Toronto to Cape Breton and across Newfoundland. I love to travel and will do it in every way possible, hence why I’m in Barcelona right now.

WOMENS STUDENTS’ LIASION

Some people at school call me “Darizard.” I have no idea why.

ARTS AND SCIENCES REPRESENTATIVE

Q. If you would be able to bring a celebrity to CapU who would it be and why? If I could bring a celebrity to Capilano University, it would be David Suzuki. This is because last semester (Fall 2014) there was a Virtual Classroom featuring David Suzuki in the Earthworks event "Our Food Systems: Are you Hungry for Change?" David Suzuki has inspired me and most likely other students during that event, but it would be even better if he came, in person, to speak to and inspire all of the students.

ENVIRONMENTAL JUSTICE COORDINATOR

GLOBAL STUDIES REPRESENTATIVE

Q. State an interesting fact about yourself. I have been to the Emergency Room four times due to mountain biking-related injuries.

GLOBAL STUDIES REPRESENTATIVE

SOCIAL JUSTICE COORDINATOR

Catrina McCrae – Communications Q. What attributes do you have that will help you if elected to this position?

Nicole Spencer - Liberal Studies

The term “Social Justice” is huge; it covers basic human rights, environmental rights, injustices in wealth, compassion towards all others and so much more. This position was left vacant this past year, so if I’m lucky enough to be elected I plan to bring this collective into light again and invite everyone who strives for social justice to come together and work towards creating community without prejudice (not only in our school but in our wider community as well). Q. If you would be able to bring a celebrity to CapU who would it be and why? This is tough, but probably Joseph GordonLevitt. He seems very down to earth for such a high profile celebrity and does a lot of great charity work. And I also kind of love him.

Q. What’s your ideal first date? Good conversation over a beer on Commercial Drive and then seeing a show at the Rio.

Q. What attributes do you have that will help you if elected to this position?

Q. What plans or changes will you implement for your collective if elected?

I follow through on projects that I commit to, I am able to make connections and see the larger picture, and I would consider myself to be a good listener. Perhaps most importantly, I have a love for the environment, working with people, and learning.

If elected, I would like to improve the collaboration between faculties through events on campus. I would also like to collaborate with local communities. Monthly volunteer events could be a great example where students from all faculties and community groups get to build partnership.

Q. State an interesting fact about yourself.

Q. What’s your ideal first date?

I was a home learner throughout most of my pre-post-secondary education — which correlated to outdoor classrooms, hours inspecting insects in the yard, training for ski racing multiple days each week, playing music and Irish dancing with my sisters, forest walks with my dogs, random tap-dancing episodes in "school" halls, and having a (mostly) invisible pet dragon named “Sky”. Some of these things still happen.

My ideal first date would be quite simple. As long as the setting is in the outdoors, like a walk along the water or a hike up the mountain, this could definitely be an ideal first date!

There are still vacant positions in the CSU elections which include: Accessibility Justice Coordinator, First Nations Students’ Liaison, International Students’ Liaison, Students of Colour Liaison, Education, Health, & Human Development, Fine & Applied Arts, Squamish Campus Representative and Sunshine Coast Campus Representative.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Q. What plans or changes will you implement for your collective if elected?

I come armed with fresh ideas and thoughts about the events and discussions that can be held within the Women’s Collective, as well as how it will interact with the campus and the community. I feel that my positive energy, enthusiasm and creativity will be vital in re-energizing this Collective and bringing positive changes to it. I’m pursuing a career in Conflict Resolution in Management, and I plan to bring my skills in Communications to this Collective to be a resource to, and provide support to, all women on campus.

Kaylie Higgs - Global Stewardship

Sabrina Ouellette Tourism Management

NEWS

THERESE GUIEB NEWS EDITOR

NEWS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

two sides of a coin A CLOSER LOOK AT KRIS BULCROFT'S PRESIDENCY Carlo Javier × Lifestyle Editor

really emotional for everybody, I don’t think it sent a very positive signal that she felt that she had to walk off the stage.” Bulcroft began her career in education at St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minnesota. The small campus was prone to being hit by harsh winters but the campus’ beautiful grounds gave Bulcroft the sense of identity and belonging in an institution that focused primarily on liberal arts. She then headed west, enjoying a 20-year tenure as a sociology professor at Western Washington University before moving into the role of Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education. In 2008, Bulcroft moved to Switzerland to join Franklin College – now Franklin University, where she worked as provost and vice-president for academic affairs. Looking for a new challenge a little closer to home, she accepted the job to lead CapU in early 2010. At the time, the institution was about two years into its full transition as a university, shedding the college title that most people still define CapU with to this day. In addition, Bulcroft came in largely unaware of the precarious situation that the university was in at that time. On top of having the lowest tuition fees among all universities in BC, CapU also had the lowest funding from the provincial government. Despite being titled as a university, the campus was still funded like a college. “The financial hand that we were dealt with, particularly now with the cuts with the government, makes this a really hard institution to sustain,” Bulcroft says, “The financial challenges I think I underestimated, although I was certainly cognizant that every public college and university in the western world is facing some financial challenges, I just didn’t know the extent of which Cap was not on a level playing field with other universities.” Bulcroft’s Jan. 13 announcement of her intention to retire was, unsurprisingly, met with kneejerk reactions. However, at the request of the University’s Board of Governors, the incumbent President will actually be staying for a year longer than her contract

dictates. Bulcroft will remain in her position until July 2016 to help the University’s implementation of the Strategic Plan, as well as guide the school while its Board begins the search for a new president. “It’s around student success and making this the kind of institution that really supports students no matter where they enter in the institution to complete successfully,” Bulcroft says, “I see a lot of building out of first year programs, a lot of support services for students, a lot of opportunity for students to study abroad, certainly more service learning, more applied kind of courses in their curriculum.” There are many more topics to be worked on at CapU within the next 18 months. The President’s office, which was relocated from the top floor of Birch for the idea of being closer to the heart of campus, can stand to fulfill its true purpose of bringing the president closer to the students. Bulcroft has worked with students from the CSU, students who have achieved the CapU Excellence Award and Global Stewardship students who take part in We Day festivities. Yet, the overwhelming response around campus community is that the president hasn’t really been visible, save for CapU’s Halloween Flash Dance in 2013 when she memorably dressed up as a Ghostbuster. “We would’ve loved for her to have come to more of our events, we would’ve loved for her to come to our faculty meetings, she would’ve been welcome at any time to attend any of our classes and I wish that she’d been more visible on campus,” says Dritmanis. Ultimately, her time in CapU will be remembered for the institutions that were built and the programs that were lost. For better or worse, the past five years marked a dramatic shift in the University’s identity, moving from being known as the quiet, artsy school in North Vancouver, into an increasingly entrepreneurial-focused campus. It has been both an eventful and a tumultuous five-year term for the president and the coming 18 months might prove to be the most crucial and controversial yet for the progress of North Vancouver’s lone university.

× Shannon Elliott

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

It was a different Capilano University on Aug. 4, 2010 when the school broke ground for what eventually would become the award-winning Nat and Flora Bosa Centre for Film and Animation. The space, which is now home to one of the Lower Mainland’s most prestigious film programs, was once but an empty lot. This day also marked Kris Bulcroft’s fourth day on the job. For the uninitiated, the President’s office is not hidden somewhere in the depths of CapU. It’s located in the main floor of the Arbutus Building, across one of the two outdoor pavilions that were built alongside the Aboriginal Student Centre. It’s in the vicinity of the Capilano Students’ Union Library Lounge (CSU) and the office for the Centre for International Experience (CIE). None of these structures and offices was present in CapU prior to Bulcroft’s presidency. “At my core I’m a builder,” Bulcroft begins, “I really enjoy building new programs, I really enjoy thinking of entrepreneurial ways to engage students and the university.” Bulcroft’s presidency presents a duality in nature. The construction of the Bosa Centre, the establishment of the CIE and the recent approval and processing of both the Strategic Plan and the Academic Plan are among the successes that CapU has seen during her term. Yet, constructing buildings only represents one face of the coin for Bulcroft. Bulcroft’s presidency has also seen the loss of several CapU programs. Some of these programs were considered part of the identity of the institution and the decision to cut nearly 10 programs, including Studio Arts, Commerce and Software Design, was met with harsh criticism. Most famously, the cuts led to art instructor George Rammell’s Blathering on in Krisendom – an effigy of Bulcroft and her poodle. Some saw it as an incredibly unflattering work that signified workplace harassment, while others saw it

as a powerful medium of political satire – a product of freedom of criticism. “This is a job that requires a lot of stamina,” says Bulcroft, “sometimes, the politics — and this place has plenty of politics — it also requires a lot of energy to manoeuvre through the politics of this place.” Last spring, a faculty-wide meeting was held where the President participated in a panel to answer questions regarding the shift in CapU – particularly the nuances behind the program cuts. Occurring shortly after the much publicized effigy, the meeting wound up ending abruptly after Bulcroft infamously walked off the stage amidst the critical crowd. “I empathized absolutely, totally empathized with her and felt insulted and hurt on her behalf, and yet I felt, I was upset that she felt the need to walk off the stage,” says Susan Dritmanis communications professor at CapU. Whether the audience proved to be too aggressive, or whether Bulcroft was in the wrong for walking away, Dritmanis believes that a smoother, better maintained meeting would’ve been possible had the school’s Deans been present and showed support to the President. “I wish there had been some other Deans or other people there to support her, because she was getting heaps of abuse thrown at her and her ultimate response to that was to turn on her heel and walk off the stage.” Conflict Resolutions Advisor, Kieron Simons, was the lone mediator for the heated meeting. Although people in the room may have disagreed with the program cuts, for Dritmanis it was clear that the faculty members of CapU were there to listen to what the president had to say, and the abrupt ending may have contributed to further souring an already damaged relationship between the president and some members of the faculty. “Because she cut the whole thing short, I think that a lot of faculty, felt like ‘Wait a second, she probably had more to tell us and we had more to tell her,’ and at that particular point, she wasn’t there for us,” says Dritmanis, “Just in that moment which was

news

I'm in love with the cocoa

Taelore Keyana × Writer

SNORTING CHOCOLATE COMES TO VANCOUVER

PHOTO BY ANDREW PALMQUIST

“You could definitely taste the chocolate, but it was a little less comfortable than consuming it the conventional way,” says Jemma Schrauwen, a student in the Costuming for Stage and Screen program at Capilano University, on her experience with snorting chocolate. Snorting and chocolate are two words not normally used in the same sentence, until recently when local sweet shop Licorice Parlour brought this unique experience to Vancouver. This questionable fad of inhaling fine, high grade cocoa powder infused with natural fragrances has recently gained a lot of media attention. “Snorting chocolate is safe. It still hits the same pleasure receptors in the brain as traditional consumption, just at a quicker pace. You will feel a buzz eventually. I’ll snort chocolate after a sleepless night as opposed to drinking a latte, because there is no calorie intake this way and I still get the energy boost," explains Amanda Swan, a retailer at Licorice Parlour. “We get questions about the chocolate a lot. It’s organic Belgian cocoa powder, infused with natural flavours,” Swan states. “We get it in right

from The Chocolate Line in Antwerp.” The owner of Licorice Parlour, Mary Jean Dunsdon, added chocolate snorting to her shop’s list of services six months ago. Known for carrying over 50 kinds of licorice, her shop on Commercial Drive is currently the only place in Canada to offer chocolate snorting to the public. Snorting chocolate was created in 2008 by Belgian chocolatier, Dominique Persoone. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, he stated that he thought of the fad when he was asked to cater Rolling Stones’ guitarist Ronnie Wood’s birthday party. Snorting substances through an individual’s nose dates back to the 17th century and is normally associated with illegal drugs and sniffing various fragrances that can boost one’s mood as well as change the way an individual tastes certain food. According to Thechocolateline. be, chocolate snorting can be enjoyed as an accompaniment to a wine tasting event or as a dessert. Persoone developed the “chocolate shooter” in order for an individual to snort cocoa powder easily. The shooter is a catapult-like

contraption that uses an arm and spring system to propel the cocoa into one’s nose. There are two spoons at the end of the arm that adjust to the width of the snorter’s nose. Before loading the cocoa powder into the shooter, the individual must pick from raspberry or ginger to sniff with the cocoa to help enhance the cocoa’s flavour. An extremely small amount of cocoa is loaded on to the small spoons of the device and levelled off to eliminate excess powder. “It’s not even an eighth of a teaspoon, you will hardly even notice it going up,” says Swan. Finally, the individual must deeply inhale the cocoa to avoid being covered in cocoa powder. The device is unique in comparison to traditional snorting methods because users do not have to lean over and they can stand or sit while using the device. The chocolate shooter is currently sold at the Chocolate Line, located in Belgium, and online through the company’s website. While the response for the device has mostly been positive, there are a few countries in Europe that are shunning and banning the device. However, Italy has taken the road less

At Royal Roads University, our programs are delivered online and on-campus

life.changing

Learn more: 1.877.778.6227

royalroads.ca/business

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Global Awareness,

travelled and used Persoone’s invention in a positive manner. “Italy embraced it, and the government went so far as to buy a bunch of these kits to give to kids in high school, with the campaign, ‘Snort Cocoa, Not Coke’,” explained Persoone in an interview with Huffington Post. “I wanted to try something new and interesting, so I was also curious about the new fad,” says Schrauwen. In regards to snorting chocolate again she says, “I don’t know if I would go back. It was cool to say I did it, but I love the actual taste of chocolate — to have it go through my nose, the feeling is not as satisfying. However, if you have the chance to try it, you totally should.” For just two dollars, anyone can try a hit of any flavours that Licorice Parlour offers. The shop also sells the chocolate shooter which includes two flavours of chocolate and an instruction booklet on snorting. While it is perfectly safe for all ages, Dunsdon highly recommends that users snort the chocolate sparingly, and not in consistent hits.

Hearts + Culture

ALVA TEE ARTS + CULTURE EDITOR

ARTS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

Getting kinky ABANDON YOUR SHAME Faye Alexander × Features Editor

“We see a lot of couples coming in here as Valentine’s Day approaches,” says Kayla Loughlin, an employee at Fantasy Factory Sex Shop in Vancouver, “Any time where you have a ton of people out there, looking to make some magic happen between the sheets – we’re your go-to shop.” Thousands of couples will be filing into restaurants this Valentine’s Day to seduce their lovers with the help of incandescent lighting and the allure of red roses, sitting across from one another and knowing there is an obligation to stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. But forced romance in cliché settings harbours no room for the most exciting part of romantic relationships: sex, foreplay and deep kissing. Just in time for the cinematic release of 50 Shades of Grey, the Courier has got your back — and more — with some tips to help you brush up on your naughty side and unleash your inner beast. “I think everyone has a sexual alter ego,” says Loughlin, “It’s just a matter of tapping into that alter ego and releasing any negative attachment you’ve given it. When you’re happy in your sex life, you’ll be really happy in your regular life.” So instead of spending this Hallmark holiday with your significant other doing the basic date you’ve come to expect, get experimental, push yourself and your lover out of the comfort zone and finally spice things up in the bedroom with what’s guaranteed to be your new best friends: sex toys. “Sex toys can be an investment. Toys can range anything from about $40 for a decent toy, upwards of $300. You should always consider the quality and the longevity you’re getting out of your bedroom accessories,” says Loughlin, “But on a student budget, you can always get creative. Think outside the box.”

WHIPS & CHAINS Convert your bedroom into a dungeon with the help of BDSM must-haves like a friendly whip or riding crop. If you’ve been harbouring some resentment towards your romantic partner for missing your birthday or saying a rude joke at your family dinner, channel your frustration into the crack of a whip. Available at both sex shops and equestrian specialty stores, whips and crops come in a wide variety of colours, materials and intensity. If you are worried that this may scare your partner, start with a light tap and build to your crescendo. It is a perfect way to create trust in a relationship, and making your partner feel vulnerable to your prowess is a sure-fire way to build intimacy in your relationship. There is no time for just a simple spanking, crank it up a notch and really let them have it. Why not marry it with ropes and blindfolds to really leave your lover trembling? Just be sure to kiss it better.

ROPE PLAY It’s amazing what just a little length of rope can do to strengthen the ties of your relationship. It’s the perfect accessory to add to your fourposter bed and can be found at almost any hardware store. Invest in nylon rope as it will not chafe, and sex shops do sell specialized coloured rope that won’t knot or tangle. Practice your rope tying skills and search for tutorials online (we suggest KnottyBoys’ YouTube channel), the options are limitless and both you and your partner can take turns wrangling one another into splayed and helpless positions. With practice, you’ll be able to suspend your partner from the ceiling in no time. Keep in mind, anticipation is your friend, so take your time and allow your partner to feel a bit uncomfortable – it will leave them starving for your tender affection when you choose to give it. If they’ve been a particularly lousy lover this past year, why not leave the room and really keep them guessing.

× Samantha Smith

GROCERIES

YOUR IMAGINATION

Refrain from ordering dessert at dinner and save your appetite for your lusty lover. The grocery store is a very affordable sex shop if you begin looking at it through the eyes of a nymphomaniac. Cruise the produce aisles and you’ll be sure to notice all the phallic foods that can quickly become a penetrating force like cucumbers, carrots and butternut squash! A variety of girths and textures are available to stimulate the human orifices that can thrill and excite an unsuspecting hole. Just ensure you take the time to wash them thoroughly, pesticides and sensitive areas do not mix. But don’t stop at the produce aisle, get your fine self to the dairy department and pick up a can of cool whipped cream and treat yourself and your partner to some sensual feels and make every part you want to lick just a tad more delectable. Pair up your sex groceries with a blindfold – there is nothing sexy about that IGA bag and it might just scare them off.

It’s common for things to get dull and repetitive when you have been seeing somebody long enough. After the initial honeymoon phase wears off, it is hard to get as excited about the standard sex you’ve come to expect. You’ve seen them naked countless times and you can already anticipate their signature finishing move – so maybe it’s time to be with someone else (without having to cheat). Go through a good friend’s closet and select an outfit you would never normally wear, choose a mysterious new identity accompanied by a garish name and hairstyle or even try a wig. Ask your partner to do the same and meet at a bar you’ve never been to and never get out of character. It may sound silly at first and initially it will be hard to keep a straight face, but the sex will be phenomenal and those urges to stray will vanish with the weird new fantasy sex you’re having. You can’t believe how liberating it is to finally scream out someone else’s name! Try something different this Valentine’s day. We’ve done the ground work for you, now it’s your turn to put it into action, and get some action.

The thing about bling

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

THERE'S MORE TO JEWELLERY THAN MEETS THE EYE

Sarah Unger × Writer

A piece of glistening, eye-catching jewellery can be so ravishing simply by itself. When sprinkled with thought and consideration, the popular gift suddenly means so much more. The opportunities for the present with that perfect meaning for that special someone are endless.

Symbols are often embedded in different shapes and forms of jewellery, whether that may be rings, necklaces, earrings, bracelets or anything else. “Many items are purchased solely on their beauty, people don’t always take an interest or acknowledge the significance of the piece,” says Marly Richardson, employee at Blue Ruby Jewellery, in Burnaby. “Rings are one of the most commonly bought pieces of jewellery, especially during the Valentines Day season,” says Richardson. The Claddagh ring is one that is most unique and traditional, a symbol originating from Ireland where two hands are holding a crowned heart. The heart stands for love, the crown for loyalty and the hands for friendship. “The different flips of the ring or swap of the hand can alter the meaning of the ring completely,” she says. Wearing the ring on the right hand with the crown facing inwards means that one is single, the crown facing outwards indicates the wearer is taken. Wear-

ing the ring on the left hand with the crown facing outwards means a romantic engagement and wearing the crown inwards on the left hand indicates marriage. Trinity knots are a more popular design with the widely known meaning of forever, it pledges for eternal love and loyalty. Hearts, as another popular and common design, means love, unity, connection and compassion. Though these are the most typical representations of love, Richardson says that there are many other designs of jewellery “that show care without over-doing it with an ‘eternal love’ pendant.” Different types of flowers are one of the niftiest choices for accessories that hold meaning. The rose is the one that symbolizes a love that is pure; daisies symbolize innocence, gentleness, loyalty, patience and simplicity while the lotus signifies purity, enlightenment, birth, rebirth, fertility and creation. “Flower pendants are perfect for

connecting the meaning behind each one to the person who will receive the gift,” says Richardson, “There is such a broad range that anyone can find a perfect match.” The stars and the moon are another beautiful design. With the representation of mystery, imagination and adventure, they are out of this world. While the star symbolizes the hope of wishes, the moon is for femininity, women and fertility. “Stars or moons don’t have to be given as a romantic gift, they are often gifts from friends as well,” says Richardson, “But someone could also set the mood by looking at the starry sky at night while giving the pendant to a loved one.” There are countless types of jewellery with extraordinary and unknown significance, no matter who is receiving it. The symbolism behind a work of art adds an intangible amount of value to a present. When paid to the right person, a little bit of attention and thought can go a long way.

Hearts + Culture

course language & mature subject matter A MISGUIDED GUIDE TO CAP'S SEXIEST CLASSES

sampling, normal distribution, estimation of parameters and testing hypotheses.” In other words, it’ll allow you to solve that age-old equation of You + Me without a calculator or a tub of ice cream. MATH 190 is a hidden gem within the course calendar, geared toward future elementary school teachers. Having a natural ability to interact with kids is something many people look for when choosing their significant other. Having that plus any recollection of long division and the ability to make change without an iPhone is a guaranteed panty-dropper.

Andy Rice × Managing Editor

Despite what the songs of Van Halen and The Police may tell you, the academic world isn’t particularly a sexy one. For obvious reasons, it simply can’t be, and jail usually beckons anyone who begs to differ. But what about a school’s curriculum? Surely there’s plenty of benign sexiness there that won’t land you on the cover of the Province, or worse — the Courier. After all, knowledge is power — sexy, sexy power — and even here at Capilano University, there are programs and courses that carry a sensual undertone, guaranteed to get your blood flowing and your heart fluttering. That is, if they haven’t all been axed since this issue went to print.

MUSIC

BIOLOGY It’s no secret that losing the Studio Arts program was a huge boner killer at CapU, both figuratively and literally, as it meant that nude models were no longer welcome on campus. These days, your best bet for a human body fix is probably the textbook for an anatomy class. BIOL 104: Human Biology is a crash course in everything from head to toe, providing “a perspective on the biology of the human animal,” according to the CapU website. “It explores humans from the level of our chemical components to the cooperation of organ systems which sustain life. The basic concepts of biochemistry, cell structure and function, digestion and nutrition, reproduction, genetics, and evolution are covered… Laboratory exercises include microscopy, dissections, genetic analysis and experimentation.” BIOL 112: Human Anatomy and Physiology cuts a little more directly to the point. “This course provides a foundation in the study of human anatomy and physiology. It introduces the fundamental concepts of biochemistry, cell biology, human heredity and molecular biology. The anatomy and physiology of the endocrine, digestive and reproductive systems is covered as well as the study of fertilization, embryonic and fetal development.” From the classroom to the bedroom, knowing the ins and outs of your junk is always a good call.

PSYCHOLOGY

If you want to get anywhere with anybody these days, you’re going to have to do a little better than “roses are red, violets are blue”. Luckily, CapU offers a veritable cornucopia of poetry courses through its English department. In ENGL 105: Contemporary Poetry, “students read, research, and discuss a wide variety of developments and innovations in the writing, publishing, and performance of primarily 20th and 21st century poetry.” ENGL 209: Poetry and Poetics “examines the craft and history of poetry by looking at individual poets, poetic forms, and poetry movements within historical and cultural contexts.” Its more advanced counterpart, ENGL 390, “focuses on developments in poetry and poetics since the 1970s such as the long poem, serial forms, procedural writing, language-centered writing, ecopoetics, conceptual writing, visual poetry, prose poetry, documentarian forms, poet's theatre, guerrilla poetry, dialect and patois, and new media.” From sappy pickup lines to the stuff you’re expected to write inside an anniversary card, poetry skills can be helpful in taking your love lingo to the next level.

FRENCH Once you’ve mastered the English language, it’s time to turn your attention to Canada’s second mother tongue: French. Here at CapU, FREN 100 covers the basics while FREN 101 is comparable to the Grade 11 or 12 level. That’s probably your best bet if you dozed off a lot in high school, but either way, brushing up on the endless supply of verbs and pronouns isn’t a bad idea. French is one of those languages that’s really only sexy if you can speak it fluently. For those with more experience en français, there are several advanced courses avail-

× Megan Collinson

able. “If you have completed French 170/171 and would like to work specifically on your speaking abilities in French,” you are advised to register in FREN 215. “This course is designed to help the students develop their ability to communicate more accurately orally in French. In class exercises will include: theatre, tongue-twisters, role plays, a cultural journal, discussions, presentations, listening exercises, vocabulary, idiomatic expressions, and the study of songs, interviews and film clips.” Communicating more accurately orally while practicing your skills through tongue twisters, role-plays and film clips? Sounds like the makings of a memorable evening.

ASTRONOMY Admit it — gazing at stars is pretty romantic, and getting three credits for it is an added bonus. ASTR 106 is an introduction to Astronomy, “emphasizing the physics underlying the behaviour of the universe and the means by which it is observed. Topics include Newtonian mechanics and gravitation, electromagnetic waves, observing instruments, the sun and solar system, stars, galaxies, cosmology and black holes.” The description goes on to state that there is no lab component for this course, which is most certainly registrar-speak for “find a date and go look at the stars on your own time.”

MATH Even if the laws of probability don’t seem to be in your favour when it comes to finding love, math skills could still come in handy. MATH 101: Introduction to Statistics is “an introduction to the language of statistics and some statistical methods, including random variables and their distribution; random

PHILOSOPHY Of the dozens of philosophy courses offered at CapU each year, PHIL 240: Philosophy and Gender Relations has to be one of the most useful. “Founded on a wide range of philosophical readings, this course will focus on questions such as: What is the good life and its relation to intimacy and family? What is the good person? Are there different models for different genders? What constitutes a good relationship? How important are mutuality, respect, affection, sex, and interdependence to such a relationship? What counts as equality/equity? How should the answers to such questions influence our views on such social issues as affirmative action, prostitution and pornography?” These are all undeniably juicy topics that could benefit from some well-educated opinions. Fodder for argument, certainly, but crucial for creating healthy connections through an understanding of oneself and others. PHIL 242: Philosophy of Human Nature is a bit more specific, dealing primarily with instincts and their role within us. “This course tackles a broad spectrum of questions and approaches the issue of human nature. Among the questions… are we essentially passionate creatures who act strictly on the basis of our feelings?” We, at the Courier, certainly are. From Adult Basic Education to good old Chemistry 101, there are a number of sexy courses and suggestive descriptions to be found on the CapU website. All it takes is a little imagination, the will to try new things, and a couple thousand dollars to pay for it all — not unlike a date downtown with our Editor-in-Chief.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Choosing a course from the field of psychology is sure to add a sexy little something to your transcript, and even by the title alone, there are some clear standouts. PSYC 215: The Psychology of Human Sexuality “examines the psychological, biological and social science of human sexuality. Topics to be covered will include: sexual behaviour and arousal, sexual bodies, puberty and menopause, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted infections, contraception, abortion, sex hormones, sexual disorders, sex therapy, coercive sex, commodity-based sex, pregnancy and fertility.” If that somehow doesn’t cover enough elements of your past or present romantic life, then try PSYC 300: Psychology of Interpersonal Relationships. “This course will include topics in the area of interpersonal relationships, especially romantic or close friendship relationships and family relationships. It will include psychological theories and research about the stages, processes and effects of the development, maintenance, disruption and dissolution of personal relationships.”

ENGLISH

The music department at UBC may boast a full-on opera program, but CapU has its own thing going on. MUS 122: Lyric Diction “explores the application of the principles of lyric diction in Italian and German through the use of the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA).” In simple terms, this course takes the sexiest song lyrics from multiple languages and gives you the enviable ability to sing them sweetly to the one you love. JAZZ 236: Vocal Improv offers up yet another useful skill. “This course is designed to develop the student's scat singing ability through the study and application of chord-scales theory.” Scat has nothing to do with poop, by the way, so don’t get too excited — rather, it pertains to a certain style of improvisation. Jazz, much like being in a relationship, involves thinking very quickly on your feet to avoid catastrophic errors in judgment. Music is surprisingly translatable to everyday life.

THE

CAPlLANO

COURIER

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

PRESENTS

How to write well and look good doing it.

FEBRUARY 24TH, 2015 4PM - 7PM @ 322 LIBRARY Join us for the after party at SEYMOUR’S PUB for

WRITE GIRL WASTED!

Calendar

@capilanocourier

capilanocourier.com

@capilanocourier

FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO: T

Everywhere All Day $ - a date!

MOVIE MONDAY M 02

Your bed this time 7 pm $ - popcorn and diet coke

M 02

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST Queen Elizabeth Theatre 7:30 pm $35

KIP MOORE T 03

Commodore Ballroom 9 pm $40

T 03

It’s my big bro’s 32nd birthday today, and I don’t know what he’s going to do to celebrate. He’s probably going to try to find the groundhog and then read some sci-fi novel that is too obscure to even reference. But he’s funny and looks like Seth Rogen. He should be famous too. If only he smoked the reefer.

Yes, Movie Monday is my favourite day of the week, if only for an easy calendar entry. And because it’s Groundhog Day, let’s watch the Bill Murray classic Groundhog Day where he desperately tries to get into a girl’s pants while also trying to kill a cute little cuddly groundhog. It’s a classic!

I used to be able to recite all of the words and lyrics from Beauty in the Beast. My high school friend, Kirsty, and I would sit around on Friday nights in skirts and homemade sweatshirts and watch the Disney classic on mute so we could hear our own voices. It should also be noted that I wasn’t cool in high school – at all. It should also be noted that I can still name every word of this movie. Don’t take me to this. I will annoy the shit out of you.

This guy is about as country you can get. Really. He has songs called “Beer Money” and “Something ‘Bout a Truck” and apparently people love it – or at least love it enough for the Commodore to charge $40 to see him. If I wanted to see shitty music about beer, I would by my dad a six-pack and give his banjo back to him. Cheaper and probably a higher quality of music too.

SAM SMITH

FREE LUNCHTIME JAZZ SERIES

LAST DAY FOR CSU ELECTIONS

ANDY SHAUF

Rogers Arena 7:30 pm $35 and way up

W 04

Fir 113 12:30 pm $ - earmuffs?

W 04

CSU Library Lounge 9:30 am to 5 pm $ - democracy and diligence

Th 05

Fox Cabaret 8 pm $13

Th 05

It’s everyone’s new favourite crooner, singing songs about making love to his hand and such. I don’t know if that’s what he actually sings about, but that’s what I think of when I hear his music. It would also explain why everyone loves his music – it reminds them of the “Good Times”. These calendar entries may be getting to cynical. I can’t tell.

Cap music students are putting on a free concert for all of Capilano. Bring your lunch, bring a date, hell, bring a tambourine and play along with the jazz band. It’s free, and really what else do you have to do during you lunch break? Checking Facebook doesn’t count. Let Kofi Gbolonyo with the B Band serenade you!

It’s the last day to vote in your friendly student elections. Be a part of the campus community and vote. It doesn’t take much time and if you don’t know who to vote for, flip back to the News section and read our coverage of the candidates. Also bring your student ID because they won’t let you practice your democratic right without it.

In press photos, this guy just looks so unbearably Canadian that it hurts. Flannel over denim with slicked back hair, there is no doubt where this guy is from. Anyway, he’s on tour to promote his new album The Bearer of Bad News. Bad news like what? That I’m actually adopted, because that may actually make a lot more sense.

CAP CLASSIC CONCERT-ZARABANDEO

TRAGICALLY HIP

IS THIS A JOKE?

JAMES KEELAGHAN

BlueShore Performing Arts Centre 11:45 am to 12:45 pm $ - a thirst for culture

Rogers Arena 8 pm $24.50 +

F 06

Rickshaw Theatre 9 pm $25

S 07

St. James Hall 8 pm $24

S 07

Capilano really wants us to get cultured and are giving us no excuses. There are three free concerts this week, all at lunch time and all offering a different style of music. This one is apparently Latin music inspired. Zarabandeo is made up of Jane Hayes on piano and Francois Houle on clarinet. I want to ask him how to make a career out of blowing into a clarinet. Interesting career choice, dude.

Andy Rice hates these guys. Almost as much as I hate Sting, and I really dislike Sting. The Police can suck it. When I asked Andy to request this show for me, his nose turned up into a scowl like I have never seen before and I meekly withdrew my request. If the Hip and Sting ever go on tour together, Andy and I may have to go, just to hate it so much.

I’m convinced that this is the best $25 you’ll spend all year. Simply put, these guys are fucking funny, and Ron Funches is the cutest human on the planet. He is joined by Rick Glassman, Dino Archie and Brent Morin – who is the hottest human on the planet – for a night of joke making. Okay, it’s the best $50, because you’ll dish out the money for me.

My mom has been single for over a decade now, ever since she split from my dad. It’s not often that she talks about guys, especially with me, but there is a shortlist of men that whenever their name comes up, she says, “I’d let them eat crackers in my bed.” James Keelagan, a folk singer, is on the shortlist. Apparently, he’s a babe.

GET TOGETHER 2015

SNOWSHOE GRIND CHALLENGE

START OF READING WEEK

MOVIE MONDAY

Pacific Coliesum 8 pm $48.50 and up

Su 08

Grouse Mountain 9 am to 11 am $42

Su 08

Anywhere but campus All glorious day $ - educational neglect

M 09

Any bed with cats Any time – it’s reading break $ - redundancy

M 09

This is electronic music. That’s all I know about it. Even Gabe didn’t know about it and he’s the one who is most into electronic music in our office. A bunch of DJ’s are playing; that to me all sounds the same. I bet you could find your next lover there, if you like that type. Desperate for a Valentine? Go to this.

If doing the Grouse Grind is your thing, why not try it with snowshoes on? This is a fun family event at Grouse, and that’s why it costs a whopping 42 bucks. Apparently there are lots of prizes, and people are encouraged to dress up. Dress up as a ghost and see if anyone can find you in the snow.

It’s the start of reading break, so rejoice! Take a break. Eat an entire cake. Drink a beer. Hell, drink a beer and two shots of tequila. You deserve it. This time is to forget that you’re a student, and let the brain loose. Stream endless Netflix, enjoy a perpetual hangover, text everyone you shouldn’t. Indulge, just for the fuck of it.

Another edition of Movie Mondays, and because love is in season, I will suggest a romantic comedy. Or I will ask Therese her favourite rom-com, because my cynical heart just doesn’t get those. From Therese: Watch Something’s Gotta Give because you get to see Jack Nicholson’s ass. Done deal.

FEMINIST ANARCHISM IN BC

CHEAP DRINKS

MEGHAN TRAINOR

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

The Railway Club 7 pm $ - free admission

T 10

The Met 10 pm $ - a nasty hangover

T 10

Vogue Theatre 8 pm $23

W 11

Queen Elizabeth Theatre 7:30 pm $39.50

W 11

Listen to an illustrated talk by Eryk Martin about the history of feminist anarchism. There were some bad bitches around. Apparently a group of five women got together to firebomb porno stores around Vancouver. With any luck, this will be booze friendly, so you can listen to this and then cause a little anarchy of your own.

The only thing we know of going on tonight is that the Met is serving cheap drinks. And by cheap, we mean about $3.50 per highball and $3 for a teeny pint and $2 for a teeny weeny. I’ve searched high and low, so I have full confidence when I say this is the most fun you will have on a Tuesday night in the middle of February.

This girl is all about that bass, and no treble. Man, that song is the worst thing to happen since Katy Perry decided to kiss a girl and kind of liked it. I don’t know why, but this jam is terrible. I know I’m likely insulting more people than I do with my Canuck write ups, but I can’t help it. Valentine’s season makes me sour.

I used to be so into this show, it was sickening. Instead of going out, I would watch my little computer screen and slowly watch my dreams fade as others tried to make theirs a reality. I’ve since banned myself from watching this show – it makes me too sad and it sucks up too much time. But go the real thing. I bet Alva will be there, dancing like it ain’t no thang.

BEN CAPLAN

AN EVENING WITH ELIZABETH MAY

FRIDAY THE 13th

ELLIOT BROOD

Epiphany Chapel – UBC 7 pm $ - free, baby

Where You'd Least Expect All Day $ - Are You Susperstitious?

Fox Cabaret 8 pm $13

Th 12

F 13

Commodore Ballroom 9:30 pm $20

F 13

This guy is a strapping young man from Halifax. He’s a folk and roots singer-songwriter and I’m convinced he is exactly the type of man that my mother would like me to go for. If she pays for the $13 ticket and the two shots of tequila it takes to lower my inhibitions while heightening my confidence, I may just do it.

Spend an evening with Elizabeth May, leader of the Green Party, environmental activist and friend to Jian Ghomeshi. She’s going to talk about her stance on the environment and other issues of national importance. She’s a smart lady, and I bet she’s got some good things to say. It’s free – you can’t beat that.

This date comes around every now and then. It can be a spooky one, in ways you least expect. Just think when you're washing your face in the morning and look up in the mirror - Booo! Some cloaked figure is behind you waiting to murder you. Or just think, you're opening a door into your room and whoosh - an axe is swinging right at you. Or just think, you're getting into your car a little later than usual, you drop your keys on the floor, pick them up and boooo - in the rear view mirror I'm there.

Elliot Brood is a God in the tree planting community. Seriously, his songs are anthems for the dirty nomads who are driven by wanderlust. It was cute for the second year, but in the third year, when the same Brood songs were blasting through the truck speakers, I wanted to stuff my dirty socks over my ears. But they’re good in doses, and this show is guaranteed to attract some weirdos. Go just for that.

BEN HOWARD

VALENTINE'S BENEFIT DANCE

ASAF AVIDAN

HOZIER

Thunderbird Arena – UBC 7:30 pm $39.50

S 14

Live Nation presents Ben Howard, a singer-songwriter from London, England with a penchant for maple syrup. That’s a lie, I have no idea what he likes, but if I had to guess, it would be maple syrup, basketball statistics and Archie comics. He just seems like that type of guy, you know?

The Imperial 8:30 pm $25 at the door

S 14

It’s Valentine’s Day, the most polarizing holiday of the year. All your coupled friends are going to be cozied up and cashing in on the foot massage coupons they exchanged. Don’t be lame like that, and go to this – a bunch of R&B music, with some of the proceeds going to Loveistheanswer.ca. Then cash in on that foot massage. You’re going to need it after a night of dancing.

The Imperial 9 pm $25

S 15

This guy is responsible for that “One Day” song, which makes everyone feel grateful to be young and has therefore been on repeat since April, 2013. He has a new album out called Gold Shadow and that’s what he’s on tour promoting. But I don’t think anyone will care. Unless he plays that one song, he will be dead to the audience.

Orpheum Theatre 7:30 pm $35

Su 15

I feel like this guy was just here. Am I going crazy and just withering away looking for events to write about, or was he just here a couple of months ago, singing about how he wanted to go to church. Well, he’s back, and apparently still looking for a bloody church to go to. People seem to be into him though, and that’s always a nice feeling.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY

art shorts

Follow the Art Shorts team on Twitter @CAPCOURIERLIVE

ANDY RICE ART SHORTS EDITOR MANAGER.CAPCOURIER@GMAIL.COM

VALENTINE'S DAY PLAYLIST: THE CANADIAN EDITION Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we dove deep into Canada’s vast pool of musical talent to find you 10 hidden gems worth adding to your rotation of romantic favourites.

JOAL KAMPS - "From The Start" Rolling rhythms, finger-style guitar and prairietinged lyrics make “From the Start” a memorable standout on Kamps’ newest album, Heads is East, Tails is West (2014). The Calgary-based singer-songwriter won multiple awards for his

2011 debut release, Sojourner, a darker prequel to this equally worthy follow-up. A longer playlist would be enriched by two more tracks, “Years From Now” and “Accept Me”, as well.

MIKE EDEL - "Two Of Us" From the very first line, “I’ll make you breakfast in the morning and we’ll forget about our lives and spend the whole day lying in the sunshine on the kitchen floor,” it’s clear that Edel’s “Two Of Us” is a romantic portrait that’s open to inter-

pretation. Found on his debut release, The Last of Our Mountains (2011), the Victoria-based singer-songwriter perfectly frames a snapshot of reality for both one-night-standers and retirees alike.

DANTE HADDEN - "Kiss Me" Pensive and haunting, this track is nestled among four others on Hadden’s debut EP, Waiting For Words (2014). The melody ambles through a wetness of guitar arpeggios and bowed strings, with Hadden's voice at a

pleading whisper that combines the best of Ed Sheeran and City and Colour. More of a lustful ‘what-if’ kind of song than a traditional love ballad, “Kiss Me” will serve as a fitting backdrop for anything your evening might throw at you.

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

BED OF STARS - "The Spell"

Somewhere between Muse and Rufus Wainwright with a little Sigur Ros thrown in, singer Evan Konrad emits a power untouched by any contemporary vocalist in this city today. From I Fell In Love In The City (2013), his debut al-

bum as Bed of Stars, “The Spell” sprinkles ambient piano arpeggios into a bubbling cauldron of vocal harmonies. The result is pure romance, sung devilishly by a man with the voice of an angel.

JILL BARBER - "Tell Me" Complete with vintage vibes and the sort of smoky sexiness you’d expect from a James Bond movie soundtrack, “Tell Me” is sure to go down easy with a dry martini. Strings, mute trumpet and Barber’s signature pipes make this

a memorable addition to any Valentine’s Day playlist. Find it on her 2011 album, Mischievous Moon, or discover more great options on Chansons (2013) or Fool’s Gold (2014).

Do you have the classics?

Do you have at least one top-40 song?

Have you safely removed the following from ‘shuffle’?

- Barry White - “My First My Last My Everything”

- John Legend - “All of Me”

- The Lion King Soundtrack

- Marvin Gaye - “Let’s Get It On”

- Ed Sheeran - “Thinking Out Loud”

- Anything by Weird Al Yankovic

- Al Green - “Let’s Stay Together”

- Drake ft. Majid Jordan - “Hold On, We’re Going Home”

- Your Slipknot collection

ADAM COHEN - "Like A Man" On what is undoubtedly one of the most romantically-charged albums of the past decade, Leonard Cohen’s only son has crafted a breathtaking treasure in “Matchbox”. The song appears on his 2012 breakout release, Like A

Man, alongside other potential playlist additions like “Sweet Dominique”, “What Other Guy” and “Beautiful”. This is a record that could easily run from start to finish without interrupting a single moment of passion.

HILARY GRIST - "Fall To Pieces" Recorded and produced in North Vancouver, Grist’s 2014 album Come & Go offers a tender track called “Fall to Pieces”, which lingers and hangs in the air like the first few seconds after a passionate kiss. The song channels a mixture

of hope, heartache, happiness and denial, as the CapU alum shows off a velvety smoothness in her voice over a soaring outro that crescendos around big piano chords, bells and bowed strings.

JP MAURICE - "Game Changer" In this track, Maurice shows off his innate ability to make just about anything sound like a sweet nothing being whispered in your ear. Set over a programmed drum track that pulses like subdued heartbeat beneath vulnerable lines

like “I’d do anything just to make you happy”, “Game Changer” appears on the Victoria native’s 2013 record, The Arborist. The countrytinted “Renegade”, from the same album, is another great playlist addition.

BAHAMAS - "Already Yours"

JOEL PLASKET - "I'm Yours" Sung with that same pitchy yearning perfected by Neil Young, “I’m Yours” is an endearing ode to love at first sight and the feeling that follows when curiosities are left unsatisfied. Plaskett’s 2012 album, Scrappy Happiness,

gave birth to this folky treasure — simple in both concept and arrangement, with an open-ended narrative that will leave you wishing for additional verses, and an honest lyric that will leave you smiling.

day acoustic aesthetic, with every off-beat coming down like a new droplet from the sky. Oozing romance in a similar way, “Lost in the Light” from Bar Chords (2012) is a close second.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Singer-songwriter Afie Jurvanen, better known as Bahamas, hits the mark for love songs on his 2009 debut album, Pink Strat. Recorded in a cabin in the Ontario wilderness, the seventh track, “Already Yours”, has that patented rainy-

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

FEATURES

Valentine’s Day can cause a bit of controversy as February 14th looms. For some, it is a day to celebrate love, and for others, it can be disheartening. Love is a magnificent thing, but only for those who truly understand it, and fewer do than you’d think. With Tinder’s numbers increasing at an alarming rate, the media suggests that the Internet is the modern makeout spot, the best place to scout for romance. For the longest time, union has never been a question of love; it was always about creating an alliance between families. Of course, some will argue wholeheartedly that love is the most important characteristic of a soul mate, but what if someone were to tell you that the key to long-term happiness never was love? After all, it can often be confused with lust, an emotion that is out of our control. The art of falling in love owes itself to trust and intimacy, two characteristics that have to be built up over the natural course of time, one can’t simply fall into intimacy like they could into lust. The heart wants what the heart wants, but it’s worth paying attention to the brain every once in a while. In 1997, a professor of psychology, at the University of Stony Brook in New York devised an experiment called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness”, aimed at making two complete strangers develop strong feelings of intimacy and closeness with each other. The fact that the test was able to produce love was another feat itself. Despite the austere white-washed laboratory setting and Dr. Arthur Aron taking notes through a viewing window, an unknown man and woman walked through opposite doors, answered a series of increasingly intimate questions posed to each other over the hour that followed. Six months later they announced their wedding. The entire research team was invited to the ceremony. “My husband and I have been studying love since the two of us fell in love,” Dr. Elain Aron, Aron’s wife and co-researcher wrote in the Huffington Post, “The rather high-minded goal behind all of this is for all of us to go deeper into love's underlying mechanisms, in order to advance basic knowledge about human closeness.” Last week, two students sat down with each other, unknowingly having attended the same high school, but under these circumstances they met for the very first time. They greeted each other stiffly, shaking hands. “I was a bit curious as to how he would react to my an-

FAYE ALEXANDER FEATURES EDITOR

CHRISTINE BEYLEVELDT

CRISTIAN FOWLIE

WORDS

IMAGES

swers,” says Ashley English, a student of Capilano University's Retail Marketing program, “Considering we didn’t know each other.” Owen Kristensen, 19, flops down casually onto the leather sofa, ruffling his hair and then he crosses his hands behind his head. English, 18, took her seat in the armchair across the living room, sitting as straight as a birch rod with her hand clasped tightly in her lap. The experiment devised by Dr. Aron is not necessarily meant to produce love, but rather a deep personal connection between two subjects. Elain Aron also says the questions her husband formulated are more like guidelines meant to be experimented with over the course of your love life. “Sharing a close bond is the most important factor for a long-lasting romantic relationship – more important, in fact, than love,” said Ellie Krupnick, the Lifestyle editor of Mic Magazine in a review of the study, “It’s possible – simple, even – to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.” Mandy Len Catron, a writing instructor at the University of British Columbia found this out for herself when she decided to apply Aron’s study to her own life last summer, and that was how she found herself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into the eyes of a university acquaintance. “Love didn’t happen to us.” Catron wrote in the New York Times. “We’re in love because we each made the choice to be.”

the foundation of attraction The first question of Dr. Aron’s study did little to break the ice. “Whom would you invite over to dinner, if you were able to meet anyone in the world?” Kristensen reads aloud. English ponders for a moment; she crosses her legs at the ankles and folds her arms tightly across her chest before hesitantly replying. The two nod at each other’s answers, unavoidably casting their eyes downward. “Let’s try another one,” says Kristensen, “Do you ever rehearse yourself before making a phone call?” An expression of shock casts over English’s face, and she launches into a flood of memories, describing how she overcame her jitters of making formal calls. Kristensen leans back, causally crossing one leg across his lap, drumming his fingers on his calf, he grins and nods in response to English. “It depends on the caller,” he relates

S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

back to her, in turn listing the countless times he had scripted his own calls. English remains tight; she fiddles with her hair and sits upright. But the smile that has slowly been creeping over her face spreads into a broad grin upon Kristensen’s next statement. “When did I last sing to myself?” He wonders aloud, “Well let me tell you this one, the last time I sang to myself was this morning, when Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off ” was on the radio.” The atmosphere of the room shifts again as soon as English reads the next question. “List three things you and your partner appear to have in common,” she says. This was one question UBC instructor Catron reported on having difficulties with, “The moments I found most uncomfortable were not when I had to make confessions about myself, but had to venture opinions about my partner,” she stated. English and Kristensen broached the question differently, for the first time, raising their eyes to meet each other’s, and letting the corners of their mouths relax and fixate upwards. The test is organized into three sets of questions, each encroaching on personal affairs of increasing intimacy. It’s a gradual method of increasing awareness of each other, and occurs in such a fashion that subjects may not be entirely aware of their openness towards each other. It starts innocuously enough, but question by question, the subjects find themselves opening up their past to be picked apart by their partner, and before they can realize it, they’ve admitted personal intimacies to one another, the type of things one doesn’t usually admit to anyone they haven’t known and trusted for years. Dr. Aron’s test solely provides subjects with intimacy, the foundations of a solid relationship. In technical terms, it is the development of physical closeness between two people, a bond that brings people together. Romantic love, on the other hand, requires something more. According to Sternberg’s Triangular Model of Love, various relationships depend on combinations of three basic components. Intimacy, which is provided, courtesy of Dr. Aron, passion, a physical lust for a person’s form and finally commitment, the tingling feeling you get in the back of your brain, where you feel possessiveness that doesn’t dissipate, the final factor that can discern lust from love. Friendship is based on intimacy alone, which is why Aron’s experiment can be applied to more than just couples, but to friends who have fallen out

with one another. Romantic love on the other hand requires both passion and intimacy. The “Misattribution of Arousal” study conducted by Dr. Aron and fellow psychologist Donald Dutton in 1974 was designed to fast-track arousal, involving anxiety-inducing situations. The test set two subjects in alternate environments; one on a high-railed, sturdy bridge situated a few feet above a calm stream, while the other was asked to cross a swaying suspension bridge, dangling 230 feet above a ravine. Both participants were approached by an attractive woman halfway across their respective bridges that asked them to fill out a questionnaire, and for good measure, gave them her phone number. The participant who had felt a rush of adrenaline after crossing the high, swaying bridge were more likely to contact the woman that had approached them. The combination of Dr. Aron’s two tests simulates both passion and intimacy, perhaps combining the studies would result in a guaranteed match.

deeper waters The second set of Aron’s questions approaches the subject’s personal desires and more deeply repressed memories. In our case, the probing uncovered a great deal of similarities between Kristensen and English. “I don’t know what’s going on inside of you,” Kristensen admits, “But we seem to enjoy many of the same things. I love your smile.” The two participants bonded when they became aware of their similar interests, ranging from Sunday morning soccer games in the second grade, to a passion for rock music. Raucous laughter filled the room as they bonded over the brief reiterating of their life stories. “When a man loves a woman very much,” Kristensen began, watching English’s smile light up, “Oh wait, I should probably begin after my birth.” When question 21 was read aloud, the two became instantly aware of what was happening. “That’s a very interesting question,” English remarks. They acknowledge that neither one of them has experienced a relationship before, and so were naturally curious. “I just wish I had someone who I could share my problems with, someone who will listen,” she says, and in response, “I want someone with whom I can share dinner, maybe a movie, at some point I want a girlfriend,” Kristensen mused. From about this point into the study, one

opening up “We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative,” said Catron. Indeed, as the questions probed deeper, and forced these two to reveal information to one another that most people would not discuss, even after years of friendship, they lost the sensation of script in their speech. The eventual goal of this experiment, also known as task 37, is said to cement the connection that has been forged. If you chose to try it out for yourself, go through the list of 36 questions, then grab your partner by the hands, perhaps wander outside into the cold night air and blink up at the stars for a moment, and then gaze into each other’s eyes. Hold it for four minutes, there. Any two people who had just met may have blinked in disbelief at being asked

to do such a thing, but after a mere hour and a half of knowing each other, English and Kristensen settled comfortably on their respective armchairs, chins propped in their elbows, and locked eyes. Silence filled the room. The corners of English’s mouth flicker upward slightly before she forces it down and resumes a neutral face. After four minutes had passed, Kristensen repeals. “That was a challenge, staying focused,” He says. “I felt really calm, there were no disturbances,” English reflects, “I think the questions were perfect because they were the ideal questions to ask a person you don’t know.” It’s not a hard to come by fact that one’s general appearance, or the first impression they make on a prospective partner is far more influential than the words that come from their mouth, developing the intimacy to discuss such intense matters as in this study, however, accounts for another aspect of attraction entirely. It takes approximately five seconds for the brain to decide whether or not it is in love, admittedly

it takes much longer for the sensation to feel true. “We had not created the 36 questions to help you fall in love,” said Aron, “To do a good job of that we would have needed to do a study with people who, above all, came into it really wanting to fall in love.” “Finding [long lasting love] was not easy,” Dr. Aron stated in an interview with the Globe and Mail, “but we may see it in five to 12 per cent of long-term married couples.” According to the professor’s research, couples that remained in love were those who felt that they had married their best friend, and surrounded themselves with other couples that could continue to spark love between them. The heart may want what the heart wants, but sometimes the brain is ultimately worth listening to. Forget about the hunky Fabio that makes you swoon, ladies, it’s hard not to fall for something so irresistible, but if you truly are your happiest in the company of your shy and awkward best friend, pursuing it may just be the best decision you’ll ever make.

"It takes approximately five seconds for the brain to decide whether or not it is in love..."

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

can see what kind of relationship may come about. For two participants to fall in love, they would have to go into the test, knowing full well that love is what they want to gain from the experience. With Kristensen and English, after 25 questions, it became obvious what the outcome of the experiment would be: clear and fast friends. “Tell your partner something that you like about them already,” Kristensen reads, “Haven’t we already done this?” he asks, “I feel like we already have, I like how she’s always smiling.” When question 33 finally surfaced, English’s response was equally tepid. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?” Kristensen reads aloud. “Oh my goodness,” English’s eyes widen, “The one thing I’d probably tell this one person is that I’d want to keep a really good relationship with them, but I don’t want to imply anything more than it really is.”

Features

S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

VANCOUVER CITY GUIDE

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

WHERE TO FIND YOUR PERFECT MATCH GO TO GUIDE

FAYE ALEXANDER

ANDREW PALMQUIST

WORDS

IMAGES

With the popularity of online dating at an all time high, it’s hard to approach good looking potential dates in person. While the masses are invincible behind the shield of their smartphone, it’s time to drop the armour and face the city on your own — potential perfect matches are just beyond the nearest SkyTrain station. So order yourself a nice stiff drink for liquid courage and meet that new special someone face-to-face. This guide will help you find the best spots to meet Vancouver’s elusive singles and how you can hook them all on your own, even without the WiFi password.

NORTH VANCOUVER

GASTOWN

BEST BAR TO FIND LOVE: TWO LIONS

BEST BAR TO FIND LOVE: THE DIAMOND

DRINK OF CHOICE: Jack & Coke

DRINK OF CHOICE: Negroni

THE PEOPLE: Everyone and their Mom

THE PEOPLE: Reformed Hipsters

North Vancouver has slim pickings as far as bars are concerned. Rustic little pubs with residential regulars don’t always make for the most romantic findings. However, there is one beacon of hope in North Van, the infamous Two Lions. If you’re looking for a quick way to stay local, enjoy some pre-gaming before meandering into this establishment. Having those essential three drinks prior to entry is like applying an Instagram filter to your experience — everything looks a little better when you’re not entirely sober. And you’ll want things to look a little better, trust us. Infamous for its aggressive cougars who prowl the floor looking for young men to prey on, and it’s weekly Karaoke night on Thursdays, you can party here from age 19 to 70 without ever feeling out of place. This is the perfect place to go if you don’t have the energy to get dolled up for the night ahead. If you stroll in sporting your weathered jeans and an ill-fitting t-shirt, you’re still likely to be the hottest person there. It’s like fishing with dynamite, and everyone is looking to cop a feel.

Every night, Gastown transforms into a breeding ground of hopeful singles looking for love just beyond the bar. With an array of bars to choose from, you’re sure to meet eligible bachelors and bachelorettes if you can hone in on what exactly what you’re looking for. Go high class and find yourself at the Diamond, a cocktail lounge hidden behind a heavy door on Powell Street where ambiance reigns supreme and the drinks are potent. A well-crafted cocktail is the perfect way to begin your night on the prowl, and you will not have to battle to talk above the heavy blast of a sound system. When you spot a sexy single that is enticing your appetite, order them a classic cocktail, have your server send it over and let any of your shy vibes dissolve into that drink you just threw back. When you’ve loosened up, it’s time to make your way to a bar to try out your new moves on the dance floor. The Portside Pub on Alexander is a goldmine of hip singles grinding their way to romance. Do not underestimate the power of waiting in lines; that is the most powerful place to meet your future dance partner. Make your first impression with the babe you’re eyeballing in line, break the ice early so later on when you pass them on the dance floor, you can approach them without having to scream a pick-up line over the thump of the hip-hop blaring all around you.

DOWNTOWN

YALETOWN

BEST BAR TO FIND LOVE: THE BRICKHOUSE

BEST BAR TO FIND LOVE: THE ROXY

BEST BAR TO FIND LOVE: THE PARLOUR

DRINK OF CHOICE: Cheap beer

DRINK OF CHOICE: Double Vodka soda

DRINK OF CHOICE: Gin martini

THE PEOPLE: Artists

THE PEOPLE: Jerks

THE PEOPLE: Yuppies

So you want to date an artist – who could blame you? Artists are sensitive, taking a lot of personal time to brood and own really great casual footwear. There is something sexy about painters and creative types, so make your way to Strathcona, where everybody and their cat is a struggling “artist”. The great thing about looking for love in Strathcona is you will not have to try too hard, wash your hair or sport anything remotely elegant. In your most casual attire, you will blend right in. In fact, make an effort to have your ensemble be as mismatched as possible, you’ll look like an artist too! Head to the grimiest spot you can like the Brickhouse on Main, and settle into one of their moth-eaten couches, or try the Cobalt on Wednesday night for SNAG where artists raffle off their work. Painters and creative singles are struggling to get recognition for their work, so the cheapest beer on tap is the only drink you’ll need to know. Practice using words like “obtuse” and “poignant” and grasp on to any painter to stroke their ego. Artists live for validation, so ask them to join you at a small table over a pitcher of nameless beer, and ask them to describe their craft and what they think about the current exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery. Tell them they are so talented repeatedly and they are sure to put out.

Strut up Granville Street on any Friday or Saturday, and you’ve entered the onenight-stand apocalypse. Sky-high stiletto shoes, skirts so short they could pass for belts and ultimate displays of machismo and bro-hood are spilling out into the streets at the heart of Vancouver’s downtown. If you are looking for some sweaty grimy love on the dance floor, this is the place for you. Experience EDM at full decibel and grab your friends to join you in a circle of rhythmic bopping. Order yourself a double vodka soda, it’s the perfect drink to advertise you are a bar star and you are ready to party. Granville Street is the perfect place to party if you are between 19 and 23, and want to show off how damn hot you can look. Why not try the Roxy, a veritable institution in Vancouver night life? You are guaranteed to see a few guys brawl, and the Vancouver Police Department is sure to make at least one appearance. Hang by the bar long enough and you’ll find yourself quickly accepting tequila shots from fun strangers. Strangers are just the friends you haven’t met yet, remember? Everyone is looking to hook up downtown, so check your morals with your coat at the door and get ready for alcoholfuelled romance.

Looking to find a successful partner to play with? It’s time to leave the flashy lights of downtown and make your way over to Yaletown, where the streets are rich with fancy cocktail bars and clubs that boast higher standards than what you will find elsewhere. If you are looking to attain the kind of lover who owns their own condo and can comfortably live in the city without griping about the cost of living, look no further. Try your best to blend in by dressing to the nines and order yourself a stiff gin martini, extra dirty with an olive or two. Cut loose at trend-spot, the Tavern, where entrepreneurs and professionals alike cut loose on a variety of vintage pinball machines and pool tables at the front of the bar. If you like to drink and get a bite simultaneously head over to the Parlour, where you can marry upscale pizza with snazzy cocktails. The best part of the Parlour is that even if you don’t find your perfect match, you’ll have pizza. And let’s face it, pizza beats yuppies pretty much any day of the week and will likely be more satisfying than any affection you’ll find at a bar.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

STRATHCONA

opinions

GABRIEL SCORGIE OPINIONS EDITOR

OPINIONS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

what's age got to do with it? ACTUALLY, IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief Age in dating is a polarizing taboo. It has lent itself well to too many adages like “age is just a number,” and other overused sayings that make dating more deplorable than it already is. The fact of the matter is that age in dating is another tool that people will use conveniently as justification: they will promote it if it is to their benefit and scorn others’ age differences if it is not. After a decade of dating, I have been on both sides of the great age debate. As a fresh-eyed and optimistic 19-year-old, I spoke against age differences, saying that it didn’t matter when there was a true connection there. This was, of course, because I wanted to date a 31-year-old chef that my parents were sure to frown upon. With a 12-year age difference, they weren’t too taken with the idea of a man in his 30s going after their only daughter. I was smitten because the chef had a credit card, his own truck and a dog named Bruno, which seemed so grown up and attractive. If only that attraction had stayed. Now I’m of the age where no one would flinch if they heard my love interest was 31. They would

think it was suitable, and that is the age I should be going after. Now that it’s suitable, I seem to attract guys who are younger than me. Maybe they watched The Graduate too many times, and are infatuated with the “Mrs. Robinson” character. One such guy lied about his age, added four years onto it, and claimed he was only two years younger than me. When he confessed to his lie the next morning, he said he knew I wouldn’t have gone home with him if I knew he was 22. And he’s right, I wouldn’t have. At 19, I neglected age, saying that it didn’t matter if love was there. Now, at nearly 29, I can say it matters, as it can call into question the integrity of a relationship before it even gets off the ground. Sure, in an ideal world, this wouldn’t matter. People could sleep or date anyone they like, age difference be damned. But our hook up culture and dating world isn’t ideal, with many grey areas that are prone to making relationships weak, and age is one such area. We live in an era where Anna Nicole Smith was 26 years old when she married millionaire, Howard Marshall, who was 89. That’s a 63-year age gap. And after only a year of marriage, he croaked, leaving her to reap the benefits of being the benefactor to an oil tycoon’s fortune.

There’s a rumour that the couple never consummated their relationship, and she kissed him a total of ten times over the span of their union. It’s hard not to become cynical and jaded with modern day Cinderella stories like these. Of course, the story of Anna Nicole Smith is an extreme one, but it showcases my point: when dating, people use age to their advantage. If they are careless about age, it’s likely that they are infatuated with an older lover and want to shy away from your judgmental eye. If someone is overly concerned about age – which, admittedly, is the stage I’m in – it’s because they don’t want to look like they are preying on the young and moldable minds. I make a stink if the guy is even mere months younger than me. All of this begs the question: what is an appropriate age range to date in? The general rule of thumb that was repeated by my peers when I started dating was the formula of half your age plus seven. At this rate, I could date a 22-year-old without raising any eyebrows, with the exception of my own. This adage has embedded our way into our dating culture so furiously that it has it’s own entry on UrbanDictonary.com. Complimenting this is a thread on Reddit, claiming

that this rule has been around since 1901. That’s 114 years of people using this rule in romantic pursuits. The other problem with this general rule is that it’s weighted in favour of the man. Sure, Anna Nicole created waves when she married the old guy, but not nearly as much as Demi Moore did when she started dating Ashton Kutcher. At 49, she was 26 years his senior when the couple went public in 2003. After eight years of marriage, they split, which caused his career to propel forward and hers to down-spiral while she flirted with the looney bin. As much as people say they are cool with age differences, cases like this show that they are full of shit. When it comes to dating, age is never going to be off the table. It is always going to play a factor, and people are going to use it in either defense of or disgust of a relationship. Age can be spun to either help or hinder a budding love. In my case, age mostly hinders it – and on that note, I would like to apologize to the Globe and Mail reporter I yelled at for being more successful than me while also being a year younger. But I still don’t want to date you.

getting even online THE BEST WAYS TO PRANK PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET Jasper Grau

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

× Writer

The golden age of the Internet has ushered in an endless list of innovations and possibilities for the collective human race. A monolithic achievement filled with cat videos, free pornography and disastrous online dating. For virtually every angle of human interaction, a niche has been designed for it on the World Wide Web. But can the Internet help people deal with terrible landlords, exes or that one roommate who constantly steals from the liquor cabinet? The answer is a resounding yes. With just a few clicks, even the most perturbed delinquent can find sweet, sweet satisfaction on the seedy underbelly of the Web. Anonymous prank calls, spring loaded canisters of glitter, Mormons, horse crap, just name it and some twisted individual, or child prodigy, has thought it up and commoditized it already. Here’s a beginner's introduction to the blossoming art of online pranking. Ah, glitter, the herpes of the arts and crafts world. Whatever nickname this sparkly scourge goes by, it has plagued mankind since its inception in the mid 40s. It’s been used for everything from nail polish, to fishing lures and glamourizing hair metal bands. But of all its uses, the crowning achievement of its application is by far when it’s used to fuck up someone's day. And that is exactly what the madmen at Shipyourenemiesglitter.com have embraced. Essentially what they are selling is weaponized glitter, and for the price of $10 a canister, the stuff will be anonymously shipped to any front door of the buyers choosing. Once received, the poor oblivious soul will open the canister and in a brilliant flash of confusion and fear, the internal spring mechanism in the canister will lay waste to the victim's house, cubicle, or office with righteous sparkly deliverance. Even the most meticulous vacuuming won't rid the victim of the disease as glitter transcends the laws of physics, sticking to every crevasse and

nook for untold millennia. Perhaps glitter is too harsh of a punishment though. The target's transgressions do not warrant such suffering. If that’s the case, try Mormons instead. Yes, the white clad, incredibly friendly folk of faith infamously known for their door to door campaigns spreading word of their religion. It turns out they are quite willing to set up appointments. The service is completely free and only takes a few minutes to setup. Anyone can go onto the official site Mormon.org and have a pair of Mormons sent to the home of their least favorite non-believer. Sure, a single visit is only a minor annoyance but persistence is the name of the game here. Four, five, 10 visits; the sky is the limit. Who knows? Maybe at the end of it the members of Joseph Smith’s faith will have converted a new disciple. Okay so Mormons might be a bit tame, and glitter, while annoying, just doesn’t deliver the required shock value. This solution is not for the faint of heart, or weak of stomach. Pranksters with revenge on their mind can now reel in delight knowing that there is a niche for the anonymous shipping of poop. For a mere $19, Ruindays.com will mail a box of smelly poop, of unknown origin, to any address. And for an extra two dollars, customers can have that poo customized with glitter for added satisfaction. But no, what if glitter covered crap is not enough? This particular person has seriously crossed the line. Perhaps they are a dishonest ex, or jobless landlord who didn’t return the damage deposit so they could go on a vacation. Whatever the case, justice is blind and for an extra $20 said turd can be packed with a spring mechanism transforming it into a high velocity manure missile. Perhaps this is the pinnacle of the online pranking service, one that sits above all on a golden pedestal. A decisive combination of spring technology, spite, and feces, this is reserved solely for the hardcore and seasoned veterans. Online pranking is a fine art best served with a favorite craft beer in the comfort of

one’s own home. It’s relaxing, playing the puppet master spreading glitter, feces and Mormons across the land at the click of the mouse. These pranks are only scratching the surface and options are virtually endless. There are free prank dialing sites, the classic

throwing a furry party under someone’s name on a dating networks, or posing as a roommate on Craigslist offering cheap front row tickets to the Justin Bieber concert. A little creativity and spite will go a long, long way.

× Guillem Rovira

opinions

when the lights go out WHY SEX IS BETTER THAN LOVE Gabriel Scorgie × Opinions Editor Nobody has ever made love so hard that they couldn’t walk the next day. You can stare into your lover’s eyes and slowly kiss them all you want, but the girl next door who brought a man home from the bar and is now putting a new dent in her headboard and waking the neighbours two blocks away is having a far better time then you and your partner are. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, some single people may be feeling a bit down about their romantic prospects, so let this be a reminder that even if you don’t have a love life on Feb. 14, you have a sex life, and that’s far better. Being in love involves candles; being single involves candle wax. There’s a lot of freedom in knowing that sex isn’t just a part of a relationship with someone when you’re single, it is the relationship. If the sex is bad, you never have to see them again. And if it’s good, then you can see them again, along with seeing other people. The only limits to your sex life are your confidence and condom budget. Meanwhile, if you fall for someone and then later discover that they’re shit in bed, well, have fun with all the bad sex and passive aggressive arguments that are undoubtedly in your future. Single people get to have way more drunken sex, which is arguably the best kind of sex there is. If you and your partner just hang out, get drunk and go crazy on each other, you’re alcoholics. However, if you’re single, get drunk and pick someone up at a bar, then you like to party. Lowered inhibitions can lead to some amazing times between the sheets. There are few things better in life than being drunk and nude. Combine that with another person who is drunk, nude and wants to have sex, that’s the dream right there. Those lowered inhibitions also cause some awesome stories. People in love are some of the worst storytellers out there. Nobody cares that you had a lovely dinner downtown and went and saw the latest Katherine Heigl movie.

× Taylor Lee

And we all know that the cute blonde you went home with is your girlfriend — she’s sitting right next to you and you tell that joke every time. Compare that to the stories of someone who’s been single for a couple of months and it’s not even a contest. People in relationships have stories that are almost as bad as the ones told by people who don’t drink. It’s not their fault, it’s just that couples live very boring lives. The comfort they’ve found in their relationship spills into the rest of their life and before they know it, they’ve been wearing sweatpants for

the last seven days and haven’t gone further than the corner store. One of the most underrated parts of being single is that you can bring someone home and still have the next morning to yourself. If your significant other stays the night, that’s not only three hours of the night gone, but you’re stuck with them and their morning breath for at least another few hours the following day. Wake up, and they’re still there. Make breakfast, and they’re still there. Have a shower, and they’re still fucking there. You can’t lie and tell them

you have a busy day or work to do because they know your schedule. But when it’s someone you don’t know, and if they know anything about morning after etiquette, then a coffee and maybe breakfast will suffice. An hour the next day, maximum, and the rest of your morning can be spent nursing your hangover and watching the rest of season six of Friends on Netflix. Remember that for the most part, relationships suck. For every perfect couple shown in movies like The Notebook, there are five more that bear a closer resemblance to Gone Girl. The average relationship is full of fighting, lying and cheating. Even romantic writer extraordinaire, Nicholas Sparks, got sick of being married and divorced his wife. If you look at a picture of someone while they’re in a relationship and one while they’re single, you’ll notice a difference in their complexion. That difference stems from happiness. The person in the relationship looks stressed — they’re worried about where they are going for dinner tonight, who’s going to pay and whether or not they’ll end up paying for dessert as well. The other just got matched with a mega-babe on Tinder and is about to go home, order a pizza and watch season seven of Friends. Having a sex life involves having drunken sex with multiple people, being able to leave in the morning and never see them again if you don’t want to, remaining stress-free and generally being a more enjoyable person to be around. Being in love involves one partner, sobriety, stress and being the worst person to hang out with in your group of friends. It’s no wonder people are taking longer before they get married — people are realizing that they don’t want love, they want sex. And it’s hard to blame them.

We Now Pronouce you married USA AND THE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE DEBATE Sabrina Kuhn × Writer

reason for the Supreme Court to deny same-sex couples marriage licenses. The most vocal opponents of same-sex marriage are usually organizations and people who belong to certain conservative Christian sects. It’s clearly written in the Constitution of the United States that, “Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a religion…” which goes on to explain that the United States was not founded as a religious nation. The laws of the land will not reflect, favor or embrace the laws of any one given religion, but the laws will allow the practice of faith without persecution. It would not be such a stretch to allow the same courtesy to people who wish to love whoever they fall in love with in public without persecution as well. Perhaps people don’t understand that it’s more than just marriage at stake. A couple could go on dating forever and never be married and their commitment to each other unrecognized by the government on the same level as their heterosexual counterparts. However, as seen in the documentary Bridegroom (available on Netflix), it’s what happens in emergency situations that is the most heartbreaking. When a queer couple isn’t allowed to marry, a partner doesn’t have any legal rights to see them in the emergency room. Or if they pass

away, their partner is not allowed to make funeral arrangements. They cannot co-adopt children. They have none of the same rights as a couple that straight couples have. All that potentially binds these two people at that point is a lease on an apartment. That is the most degrading thing to reduce the love a couple has for each other to. To deny same-sex couples the power of attorney rights is to deny a set of population a right, which is by its very definition to be freely given and not earned through heterosexuality. The US has many difficulties when it comes to accepting diversity on a societal, day-to-day level. Perhaps by enshrining the legal right to marry no matter gender or sexual orientation and recognizing when that marriage was given somewhere else, it will be a step in the door to tackle other issues that surround the queer community. It’s easy to get frustrated as an LGBTQ activist because it feels like for as many steps that are taken forward, four times the amount of steps are taken in reverse. When looking at the big picture of the last 30 years, there is hope to be found for what will happen with the decision of the Supreme Court in April and ultimately the years to come.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Tremendous amounts of change have occurred for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and trans-identified (LGBTQ) community in North America. Over the last 30 years span, sodomy laws were abolished, and today, same-sex marriage is on the same legal level as heterosexual marriages in 14 countries around the world. On Jan. 16, the United States Supreme Court declared that they would take the matter into their own hands and will make a ruling in regards to two key questions: whether or not the Constitution requires states to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, and whether or not the states must recognize the samesex marriages performed elsewhere. The correct answer to both of those questions should be yes. Homosexuality has existed all throughout human history and it’s only by looking contextually at different time periods that society’s perception around same-sex couples can be distinguished. In North America, First Nations peoples have the word “two spirit”. These people were important members of the tribe since they were seen to understand both the male and female psyche. While roles and accurate descriptions varied from tribe to

tribe, they were the problem solvers and healers. Simultaneously, across the ocean, Europeans were murdering and burning the bodies of gay and lesbian people in the stead of scarce wood and whale oil. Colonization and homophobia found fertile land in North America and the consequent actions on the part of Europeans is what created the perception of queer folk that Americans are left to grapple with today. The entire purpose of a court system is to enact justice. Regardless of what side of the debate someone may find themselves, the minority should not have to suffer at the hands of the majority. This is not a time for the courts to raise their hands and plead neutrality in the interest of allowing social change to progress without their intervention. The fight for equality has turned bloody time and time again. It’s time for people to step outside themselves and realize that being queer is not a choice and is as natural as breathing. No one chooses who they fall in love with, no one chooses their identity; it’s just a matter of being authentically themselves and hoping for the best. This is an enormous chance for the Supreme Court to do something right by the millions of LGBTQ Americans. If the argument were to be stripped to its simplest form, there is no logical

columns

LEAH SCHEITEL COLUMNS EDITOR

EDITOR@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

the time traveller OPPENHEIMER'S GAMBLE Christine Beyleveldt × Columnist

Christine Beyleveldt has been a regular Courier contributor since the start of Volume 48. She mostly writes about plays, but apparently she's a huge "geek for history." Note that her work is historical fiction, and the quotes in her columns are educated guesses of what the correspondence between historical figures would have been. “It has been said that Vancouver started life as New Westminster’s back door,” at least according to Derek Hayes, a historical writer. While our city may be the largest and the economic heart of British Columbia today, it was truthfully ignored throughout Canada’s early years. In fact, it was not officially named Vancouver until 1886. Before then, it was simply dubbed Granville — the site of the indigenous Musqueam people, Gassy Jack’s famous saloon and the Hastings Sawmill. Over the course of a century since George Vancouver and Dionisio Galiano met, Canada has been granted autonomy, however, the east coast remained the centre of Canadian power, industrial practice, and political intrigue. The sharp incline of the coastal mountain ranges and the deep port water discour-

aged pioneers from settling the Vancouver area, while slightly further south the land banking the mouth of the Fraser River slowly sprung up with settlements. Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. MacDonald, was aware that the west coast had plenty to offer in natural resources, and in 1881 began to work on a monumental project that would give the west coast of British Columbia something to call its own. Against the backdrop of endless waves of wheat out in the Canadian Prairies, William Van Horne strutted across the camp. He cut a gentlemanly figure in a well-fitted waistcoat and receding black hairline. At 38, he had already overseen the construction of smaller railways in the American Midwest before joining the Canadian Pacific venture. He appeared out of sorts holding a handkerchief over his mouth so as not to taste the dust in the air from the rubble of the most recent blast that had eaten away at the mountainside. Hundreds of men toiled below in the shaft where the rock had cleared, their grimy trousers and open shirts soaked through with sweat. Another spike was hauled into place and hammered deep into the bedrock. Since being promoted to general manager of construction on the Canadian Pacific Railway, Van Horne had more than doubled productivity. In a single season over 500 miles of track had been laid and a bypass through the Rocky Mountains cut. Every few months Van Horne would return to Ottawa seeking additional funding from MacDonald’s government

if he ever hoped to finish the colossal project. The end was finally in sight. Like many families of speculators hoping to reap favourable profits from the railway syndicate, the Oppenheimers were not to be excluded. Of 10 brothers, Isaac and David Oppenheimer had traversed the west, moving away from the scene of a gold rush in the Yukon Territory and opening chains of their family’s grocery store along the coast. “Don’t you see, Isaac?” David gripped his elder brother firmly by the shoulders as they argued between customers at their family’s grocery store in Victoria. “Granville could be the site of the terminus. Think about it.” “But there is no business for us in Granville,” Isaac returned calmly. “The area has a sawmill and a saloon to its name, we should have sold our own property in the area long ago.” Much to the general manager’s dismay, upon arrival in the Port Moody settlement which had sprung up into a quaint site in the past few decades, wealthy speculators had taken up in the port, and now owned every square foot of land for miles. He tugged at his collar nervously, surveying the tidal flats; no vessel could manoeuvre within a mile of the shore. Just as he had begun to think his luck had run out and he would be forced to return to Ottawa once again, grovelling for a budget increase, the two young entrepreneurs made their appearance, offering to show off the site of Granville. David appeared

superfluous feast KENTUCKY FRIED ROMANCE

Faye Alexander × Columnist

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

Faye Alexander is the person all other editors turn to when they need something written. She has written about everything from Vancouver’s burlesque scene to scathing shotgun reviews of Alex Trebek and she does it with a steadfast ease that should be marvelled. So it’s only natural we gave her a column to write about the thing that scares her most — the kitchen.

RECIPE: Fried Chicken + Cornbread + Coleslaw RECIPE SOURCE: AllRecipes.com GUEST: Jake, the hot date The modern proverb, “A way to a man’s heart, is through his stomach,” has been repeated so regularly there must be a ring of truth to it. Being able to execute a home-cooked meal for a special someone can quickly launch you into ‘wifey’ status, therefore the recipe for love may very well coincide with an actual recipe for dinner. Chef Giovanni Rana, a master pasta maker, conducted his own research examining the theory. In his findings, Rana discovered that one in 10 men admit to being turned off if they find out a woman can’t cook. That’s why it can be tempting to lie: “I love to cook!” for example, or “I cook all the time!” exempting the fact that those cooked meals were ready-made dinners and the process of creating these culinary delights was peeling back the cellophane and pressing a series of buttons on the microwave. Home-cooked meals can be much more romantic than dining out at a fine restaurant for a few reasons. However, cooking at home for a roman-

× Kelsey Holden tic meal involves preparation, an arduous trek to the grocery store, and there is no one to make the dishes and pans disappear at the end of the meal. It’s a lot more work and a lot more time, but it can all be worthwhile if you can seduce his taste buds. Carefully perusing the options for an impressive meal, I considered my date and narrowed down the limitless options to something that would speak to his specific sensibilities. He enjoys football, fishing outdoors and using words like “jank” and “dude” – pretty machismo stuff. So I went equally machismo and decided on Paula Deen’s ultimate fried chicken, cornbread muffins and spicy coleslaw. Altogether, it sounded like a fattening feast. There are three key ingredients needed for success with fried chicken: chicken, a full bottle of vegetable oil and two litres of buttermilk. Most recipe books seem to be written for the already skilled at-home chef and tend to leave out some

of the important details that can make or break your final product. For instance, the recipe called for a ‘broiler chicken’ to be cut into parts at your own volition. There was no way I was planning to begin butchering a whole chicken. In the meat department, chickens come predissected and neatly wrapped, separated by body parts. Thighs to the left, breasts to the right, and a series of gelatinous looking pink parts in between. I took my chances and grabbed a pack of drumsticks and another pack of deboned thighs. The drumsticks boasted skin while the thighs did not. It didn’t seem clear from the recipe whether skin was to be left on or discarded – when in doubt, try both and pray for edible results. As directed, I tossed the meat into a large Tupperware container of buttermilk for six hours before it was go-time to batter and fry them. Soaking your chicken in buttermilk makes for juicy, tender chicken that

quite a sight, more of a monocle-wearing, white top-hatted eccentric than a potential business partner. Nevertheless, Van Horne allowed the two gentlemen to show off their prospective sight. Oppenheimer rowed a skeptical Van Horne across the Burrard Inlet, eagerly pointing out the site of Gastown, and all of the sparse land surrounding the little business. He pulled the little skiff up to the gravel shore, and allowed the general manager to scan the bay that bled into the Strait of Georgia. David returned to his brother in Victoria later that week, with a grin plastered across his face. “I’d assume you signed the deal?” Isaac offered nonchalantly, all the while polishing a tarnished buckle on his waistcoat. David nodded, “The deal is ours!” he cried, “Did I not tell you this venture would be a success? Now the two of us are the owners of more than half of the land at the sight of Canada’s Pacific terminus.” “In that case, we had better break out the shovels,” Isaac quipped, “Granville is going to be the biggest port this side of the country.” The story doesn’t end here, when the final spike of the Canadian Pacific Railway was driven into the earth, the Oppenheimer brothers had at last succeeded and left their legacy in Vancouver.

melts in your mouth and falls off the bone, and the longer it bathes in thick, sour milk, the better. On a pad of paper I timed out the prep and cook times for the chicken, the cornbread and coleslaw in hopes of synchronizing them to be complete at roughly the same moment. Lining the ingredients around the counter making everything an arm’s reach away, I had erected my obstacle course. Whisks, bowls, flour, sugar, muffin tins and eggs crowded the kitchen. In a bowl I combined an egg with milk and in another a mixture of floor and spices. On the stove I unloaded an entire bottle of canola oil into an oversized pot — the stage was set. In front of the Tupperware container of bathing chicken, I began to stretch like an athlete about to take off in the main event. Deep breathing. A furrowed brow. ‘Act confident. You can do this.’ When wondering how long to fry a piece of chicken, there is no exact answer. I went to Google for some expert advice or at least a suggestion but the responses by domestic chefs were varied. The most common response was “when it’s ready”. A perfect piece of fried chicken should be 180 degrees at the centre, but you’ll need a meat thermometer to find out . Without a thermometer to speak of, I eyeballed the chicken frying angrily in my pot and just hoped I wouldn’t give my date salmonella. With tongs I gently pulled the pieces out two at a time and they looked like a much better version of KFC. I had done it – I had made beautiful Instagram-worthy fried chicken. The cornbread wasn’t terrible, and while I struggled with oil temperature I instructed my date to make the coleslaw. I served him in my living room, a glorious Southern-style comfort smorgasbord with almost no flukes to speak of. My kitchen looked as though a bomb had gone off, as the dishes were sky-high and flour had coated every countertop. “What comes from the hands must come from the heart,” says Rana, and I looked longingly into my date’s eyes wondering if it had worked. The stakes are always a little higher when you are cooking for love, so even when you’re full of doubt, just fake it as if you do it all the time and no feat in the kitchen phases you. Amazingly, it works.

columns

the penalty box DATING AN ATHLETE Cole Blight × Columnist

Cole Blight wasn’t meant to be our Sports Columnist. However, after sneaking into a gala event under the guise of our Sports Editor, he impressed everyone with so much ease and class, that we knew he’d fit right into our little roster of columnists. He also thought our EIC was 22, so she had to give him a job after that. Love and relationships can be a complicated thing, especially when you’re dating an athlete. Athletes are dedicated, passionate and committed to their sport and, if you’re willing to put in the work, they will bring the same attributes into your relationship. If you’re currently in a relationship with an athlete or have been thinking of entering a relationship with one, here are some tips that could help you: Prepare yourself for anything and everything to be twisted into a heated competition. It’s human nature to hate losing, but there is no other type of person that hates losing more than an athlete. Athletes are hard-wired to hate losing — whether it’s their game or simply rock-paperscissors, they never enjoy it. Be prepared for having your quiet night of sitting at home playing Xbox turn into an all-out-war of button mashing and trash talk. Although they may say some derogatory and offensive things to you, just know it

comes from a place of love. It’s probably a good idea to just let them win. They will be practicing all the time so find something to do with your spare time. Practice makes perfect so get ready to spend a lot of time alone. There will be a lot of busy weekends and weeknights so you’ll need to find something to help you pass the time. You could start a new series on Netflix and binge watch while they’re practicing or pick up the book that’s been on your nightstand for the past six months and actually read it. Just because they’re off practicing doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking of you so when you do actually get to see each other it’ll be that much more special for you both. Educate yourself about their sport. Since they will be talking about their sport nonstop, it’s a good idea to educate yourself about it. Even if you’re not a fan of the sport, you’ll earn major brownie points for effort. For example, to me, there’s nothing sexier than a girl knowing the Sedins need to be more productive and that Mike Gillis handled the Luongo situation in the worst way possible. So crack open the Sports Illustrated and take some notes because it’ll only do positive things for you. Let them enjoy their ‘team night out.’ Most athletes are best friends with their teammates and they’ll want to see them outside of practice and games so let them enjoy their ‘team night out.’ All athletes need to decompress every once

in a while so they’ll want to have some fun that sometimes might not include you. Don’t get offended when they just want to see their teammates because it gives you the opportunity for your ‘boys or girls night out’. Once they get that out of their system they’ll be happy to spend all of their free time with you. Prepare yourself for the ‘post-loss mood.’ Like the first tip preaches, “There is no other type of person that hates losing more than an athlete.” That being said, they will eventually lose and you need to prepare for dealing with that. Let them vent their emotions and (if they ask for it) give them the space they want. Let them know that you are proud of them and that you’re so happy to call them yours, hearing positive things like that can only help bring their mood up. If they say the referees cost them the game, then agree with them completely. Try to be positive and show them some love and you’ll help them get over the loss. Go to their games. This is probably the most important tip. There is no greater show of support than going to their game and cheering them on in person. It’s hard to describe how much it means to an athlete to see their friends and loved ones taking time out of their day to come and support them, especially if it’s you. They’ll want to impress you and will play their absolute hardest all because you showed up. They’ll be looking forward to the end of the game because it means they’ll be able to see you and tell you how much you showing up means to them.

There isn’t anything else that will score you more brownie points than going to their games. Dating an athlete requires a lot of compromise and just like every relationship also requires work. If you’re willing to put in the work you can have a strong and healthy relationship that could last a very long time. Athletes can bring the same passion for their sport into their relationships are often create very intense and powerful relationships. Add that athletes are fit, good listeners (they’d have be to deal with all their coaches) and hard-workers they bring a lot of desirable qualities to the table. Athletes don’t quit, so as long as you don’t quit on them they won’t quit on you.

× J.R. Pinto

a ghost in a dying scene NOT PUNK AND OTHER MUSINGS Matt Jolliﬀe × Columnist

Matt Jolliffe is educated in psychology and punk rock, which are two very interesting and diverse fields of study. He is a long-time Courier friend, and rumour has it, he knows something about the Ghost Chair in the CSU Maple bathroom. His column will illustrate why punk music shaped who he became.

× Syndey Parent we had three venues, in one suburb. We were very lucky. You could always count on Seylynn for a show every other week, and interspersed were shows at the Griffin Youth Lounge and the Ambleside Youth Centre. My friends and I rarely missed a gig. The thing was, it was almost always the same bands. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you the amount of times I saw Devious, the Treatment Room, Haf-Wit, or Dysfunctional, because I saw that bill at least once a month, and it was awesome. Were the bands great? No, not really, but we most certainly had a great time. North Vancouver had a thing going. What was happening in North Van wasn’t a new thing. It had been going on for years prior to my arrival on the scene. It had seen bigger and better days. AFI sold out Seylynn in the early 90’s. Moneen had played

there multiple times, so had Propaghandi, and the Weakerthans’ show will forever go down as Seylynn lore. The list goes on. I’ve met a ton of people who have told me that they used to take transit from all over Vancouver just to catch a show at Seylynn. In fact, if you check out the Wikipedia page for Felix Cartal, it says something along the lines of “he gained a decent following playing all ages punk shows in North Vancouver.” It’s true, he sang and played bass for Dysfunctional. I ran into him at a bar a few years back and said “What do you call an empty bottle of cheese whiz?” — an opening refrain from his old band’s song “Cheese Was”. I got the impression that he wasn’t too impressed. I hadn’t been a part of any of that, and like any other teenager, I was trying to figure out

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

“We built this place for us. We built a home for us. We built a refuge from the noise of the world.” These are lyrics from the song “Game Over 7” by Reserve 34, and I feel as though they are a beautiful summation of what anyone, including myself was able to experience being so fortunate as to having an all-ages music venue so close to home. We were fortunate. Seylynn was doing gigs every other week. My second show was Crowned King, Haf-Wit, and Surefire. The show was sponsored by XFM (If anyone remembers that). Crowned King was a big deal at the time. I hadn’t heard much about them except for their “big” single “A Million Pictures”. Little did I know, but their singer was also prima donna, and it was the “last time” they were ever going to play Seylynn, because apparently they were too big to play a 400-person capacity all-ages venue. The first show I was at probably had a brilliant attendance of between 30-50 people. This show had at least 200, there was a stage, and the crowd was going buck-wild. I left the show soaked in sweat and with a big smile on my face. Fortunate for myself and other supporters of alternative music on the North Shore,

who the fuck I was. Being a part of anything larger than yourself, as long as you identify with it, falls into what social psychology refers to as one's social identity. It’s essentially an “us versus them” dynamic. This does not necessarily mean it’s negative, it simply means that you identify, or associate yourself with, a specific set of ideals or group. Such is the case for anyone who plays on an organized sports team or even follows sports. The slogan “We are all Canucks” is used to create a feeling of social cohesion and mutual identity for fans of the Canucks. I was standing outside of Griffin with my comrades, when a girl who I was adamantly convinced was the North Van Scene Queen came up to me fully decked out in classic cammo and a big Distillers back patch. She looked at my hat, which was equipped with a New Found Glory patch, and in a sarcastic manner said “Nice patch — that’s not punk.” I honestly didn’t know what to say. What do you say to that, “Thanks! I really like it!”? I actually felt embarrassed. In terms of broader social categories we both fell into the same in-group — fans of punk music who were going to local shows, but group membership goes much deeper than broad categorization. Psychologically speaking, within any group exists even tighter knit group memberships, and these smaller subgroups exhibit behaviours, which are manifested at all the various tiers of social identity — we favour our in-group, and push away the out-group. If only I had known this all as a teenager. Beneficially, all of this got me thinking: What the fuck is punk? It was then that I became adamantly convinced that punk was not a uniform, but a mentality, and that you should never have to dress a part to fit in with an idea. I believe I then went inside and watched Devious, Dysfunctional, Haf-Wit, and the Treatment Room for the first of many, many times.

CAp you WHO YOU ANA ROSE WALKEY

CARLO JAVIER LIFESTYLE EDITOR

CARLO.CAPCOURIER@GMAIL.COM

Valentine's Day Special by Keara Farnan Ana Rose Walkey is a second year Creative Writing student at Capilano University. I first met Walkey during the summer of 2014 when we were both enrolled in Ryan Knighton’s English 293 Creative Writing class. We occasionally meet up outside of class to discuss homework or grab a bite to eat at Milestone’s in Park Royal where she works. Apart from her schooling, Walkey is a talented drummer who has taught drums to young children before. She loves writing and sharing her words of wisdom with other writers.

A: "Ed Jovanovski from the Vancouver Canucks: number 55. I think I was infatuated with him because his name is fun to say.”

A: "Ferrero Rocher to give, but mostly receive, or buy on February 15th.”

Q: If you could go on a date with any male celebrity who would it be and why?

Q: What is a major turn-off in a date?

A: "I would have to say Zac Efron; I think he's incredibly attractive. My friends and I made a bet in Grade 7 that if one of us ever met him the others would marry a toaster. I am determined to win this bet.”

Q: How do you plan to celebrate Valentine's Day this year? A: "Unfortunately, I may be working this year. It is the second busiest day of the year at our restaurant. But, if I do end up having the night off, my boyfriend is going to make homemade pasta and we will enjoy a romantic night in.” Q: What is your idea of romance in seven words?

Q: Which love song would you rather listen to while enjoying a romantic dinner with someone "Truly Madly Deeply" by Savage Garden, or "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" by The Righteous Brothers? A: "I'd rather listen to Metallica, or maybe "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails — that’s my type of romantic dinner music.”

A: "Arrogance, self-entitlement, misogyny, insensitivity, disrespect, the list goes on. Respect my strong opinions, my existence, and don't be an asshole.” Q: Tell us about your first kiss? Was it gross or did it go perfectly as planned? A: "It didn't exactly go as I had always dreamed. It was a quick goodbye kiss before I got into a friend's car. I was nervous, so I turned away and he ended up kissing me half on my mouth, half on my cheek. It was then that my friend (who didn't know it was my first kiss) yelled ‘Stop making out, you guys!’ It was awkward, but isn't everyone's first kiss awkward?"

A: "Respect, spontaneity, cheesiness, remembering the small things.” Q: As a young girl growing up who was your celebrity crush, dead or alive?

Q: What is your favourite kind of chocolate/candy to receive or give on Valentine's Day?

the house cafeteria Chattin' with Robert: your favourite cook

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

BY CARLO JAVIER

We caught up with Robert from House Cafeteria, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Grill. Friday mornings in the Birch Cafeteria at Capilano University are unlike any other days. It’s quiet and serene. Lines at the cashier are virtually non-existent and the Wi-Fi is functional. Behind the grill, CapU’s favourite fry guy, Robert, fills up the mini fridge in preparation for the usual lunch rush. His co-pilot, Mark, takes care of the several ‘Good Morning’ breakfast orders – by several I mean the traditional Friday morning breakfast that Production Manager Andrew Palmquist and I indulge on before commencing work. For the past two years, Robert has delighted the cafeteria’s patrons with his masterful work with burgers, fries and the always-special rotating entrée. He made a name for himself for his work in the now-defunct Pita Pit – where he came to be known as CapU’s best battle wrapper. “It’s the people’s choice, man,” he says regarding on what dish he most enjoys making. Apart from Philly Cheesesteaks, curly fries and the occasional tongue-in-cheek chicken Caesar wrap order, Robert is also known for being a sneakerhead. He chats with customers waiting in line about their favourite Jordans. He discusses elements ranging from colourway to material and even to historical significance. Yet despite this, he chooses not to wear his prized sneakers at work to protect them from getting stained. He’s an aficionado of the iconic Jordan brand, but in keeping with his philosophy behind the grill, he knows that Air Jordan wouldn’t be the cultural icon that it is today without the people. “The people made him popular. [Michael Jordan] is the greatest player of all time but it’s all about the people,” he remarks.

× Andrew Palmquist On his downtime, Robert enjoys relaxing and reading books. He loves reading about romance and horror, or sometimes just romance, which can be horrific in its own right. His literary favourites include small pocket books, works of the great Stephen King and classic novellas from the lengthy history of Filipino texts. When asked about his final thoughts, Robert dropped everything in his hands for a moment, cold fries and all — becoming an entirely different person, all serious and philosophical: “It doesn’t matter what you achieve, but don’t forget where you came from.”

CARLO’S FAVOURITE CAFÉ FOODS STEAK SANDWICH THE ABSOLUTE BEST, UNFORTUNATELY IF WE HAVE THESE MORE OFTEN OUR WAISTLINES WOULD EXPAND CHICKEN FINGERS EVEN BETTER IF YOU GET AN EXTRA DIPPING SAUCE THE GOOD MORNING AND THE GREAT MORNING IDEAL FOR YOUR BREAKFASTS, BASE YOUR DECISION ON THE MOOD YOU’RE IN FRIES USEFUL TOOL FOR PICKING UP CAMPUS CUTIES AND ALWAYS NEEDED TO FEED MY BOSS

caboose

CARLO JAVIER LIFESTYLE EDITOR

humans of tinder

CABOOSE@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM Illustrated by Andrew Palmquist

the boys & Girls of our favourite DATING app

The toughest thing about finding a boyfriend is admitting it’s not actually too tough to find one. Honestly, there are so many desperate dudes awaiting your reply, who would happily lay down their balls before you – they’re just a calculated swipe away. They want a girlfriend so badly that they will date just about any woman with a pulse and vagina to finally prove to their mom he can, in fact, get chicks. You can get a boyfriend in no time, but before you meet your prince charming, readjust your standards, practice your gag reflex and put on your shortest jean shorts. Here you go. - Faye Alexander, the Expert

TH E BOYS

GUYS WITH TIGERS

STAND-UP COMEDIANS

DOUCHEBAGS

If Tinder has taught ladies anything about the men who are looking for love on their smartphones, it’s that a lot of them enjoy heavy petting with large predatory cats. There are so many profile photos with beefy dudes stroking tigers, panthers and leopards you’d think these cats were indigenous to the greater Vancouver area. The great thing about guys with tigers is that you know they are cool with animals in captivity and sedating exotic animals in the name of the ultimate selfie. These dudes tend to wear ice cream-coloured v-neck t-shirts, drink cocktails out of buckets with oversized umbrellas and fist pump up in the club – all done with vigour. They are adamant about putting 30 per cent of their paycheques away for their annual bro trip to Thailand, where they get turnt up and giggle boyishly every time they get to drop the name ‘Phuket’. Be warned though, these guys will drink snake’s blood for fun and that tiger in their profile photo was probably the last pussy they paid attention to since high school sex-ed.

Everyone seems to think that they’re a comedian – and Tinder is a showcase of dudes standing behind microphone stands at dingy comedy clubs. Why are there so many comics on the market – is anyone else wondering that? Seems like a red flag. Having a great sense of humour often tops the list of qualities women are looking for in their new potential partner, so advertising yourself as a ‘stand-up comedian’ is a great way to lure singles out of their homes and into a bar for a late night meet-up. Ignore the fact that most of the amateur ‘stand-up comics’ dress like schlubs, work crummy day-jobs at Rona to cover the cost of lubricant and live with four other guys trying to make it in comedy – they have a craft. Before venturing off to meet your next date with a stranger who moonlights as a stand-up comic, practice your BOO’s and HISS’s – chances are you’ll have to pull a few out during the date to keep their hilarious ego in check. On the bright side, you’re probably hysterical by comparison.

If there is one type of guy you are sure to meet on Tinder, it’s definitely the douchebag. Any app that has garnered its massive following on the likelihood you’ll have sex with someone remotely attractive is going to become a breeding ground for the sleazy, the easy and the types of pricks your parents warned you about. Decent dudes aren’t on Tinder, guys – they are at home watching artsy documentaries on Friday nights and reading books on 19th century chivalry. Your next match on Tinder is a douchebag, but he will likely be willing to feed you drinks until you’re tipsy enough to make some bad decisions. He’ll regale you with stories about his last keg stand and will make intense eye contact while delivering rehearsed compliments, calculating a way to exploit any insecurity that he detects on his radar. But Tinder is for hookups, so don’t feel bad if he is a babe and you feel like going all the way anyway – just know that the douchebag will try to slip it in without a condom – you don’t have time for that. Pack some rubbers in your purse, girl. The best thing is, you’ll never see or hear from him again… which you’ll realize is the silver lining once you sober up.

I never know what to say. Most of the time, seeing “It’s a Match!” is more than enough. After all, the whole point of this is validation, right? Is it? For me, Tinder gave exactly what the app was meant to provide – a space for online dating communication. Notice the emphasis on the word online – that was it. I like to think that my VSCO Cam-approved first photo enticed my matches, but there’s more satisfaction in assuming that my bio, quoting “Escape” by Rupert Holmes was the real catch. Conversations weren’t exactly exciting either. It doesn’t help when the majority of conversations never actually start. However, I did learn a lot of lessons from Tinder. There are two types of display photos: those of the people who care about how they look, or those who clearly do not give a shit. Among others, girls love the outdoors, playing hockey is a major plus and shared interests do not mean anything. Most importantly, I learned more about myself from reading other people’s bios than I learned about them. - Carlo Javier, the Novice

TH E GIRLS

In the philosophical words of Skee-Lo, one of the 90s’ premier one hit wonders, “I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her.” In contrast to the legendary Skee-Lo, nearly all of my brethren on Tinder wish they just had a girl. No Tinder bio puts me down more than the ones that end with a height measurement, it’s like a brightly flashing red flag. I know that it’s 2015 and everything is getting revolutionized, but society is not ready for the antithesis to the classic look of a taller boy and a shorter girl. Even Features Editor Faye Alexander pointed out the fact that Bruno Mars, despite oozing an aura of hotness is just five foot five. It’s a serious game changer. It’s like seeing a series of dominoes fall only to have it rudely interrupted. Political science major, check. Can rap every word to “Fuckin’ Problems,” check. Likes piña coladas and gettin' caught in the rain, check. Six foot two… wait.

GIRLS I'M JEALOUS OF

MEAN GIRLS

Most Tinder photos I see have people doing pretty awesome things. I’ve seen photos where girls are skydiving, riding an elephant or even traversing the Himalayas — yeah, the fucking Himalayas. There are girls who spend time working with non-governmental organizations to make this world a better place, girls who are just about finished their degrees and girls who seem to be performing their sport of choice at a high level, so coming from me that means at a really high level. Meanwhile, here I am, boasting a photo that was taken more than 15 months ago. I don’t have any photos of me doing anything remotely cool, and it doesn’t help that I very much love the indoors. It’s not even like I can get someone to take a photo of me while I’m writing just to show the Tinder world that I get paid to regurgitate thoughts like these in a Word document. The only detail I can really be proud of in the few Tinder photos that I have set is the stylishly folded pocket square in one of my pictures.

Once, I gathered the balls to message a girl and she responded with, “I didn’t mean to swipe right to you, sorry.”

Tinder isn’t the harbinger of the jerks and all the ill wills of humanity. We’re pretty certain that it’s truly meant to create bonds between people. Those who succeed in that shouldn’t be ashamed to tell people where they met. It’s just that unlike the lucky ones, we didn’t find love in this hopeless place. But then again, we haven’t really found love at CapU either.

T H E C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

GIRLS I LOOK UP TO

shotgun reviews STI-SPY WITH OUR LITTLE EYES

GONORRHEA

HEPATITIS C

HERPES

FEELINGS

Gonorrhea never once occurred in my preoccupied-with-SNL little mind. Never once did I think that it would inflict someone I knew or was an actual thing to be worried about. I likely only would have taken notice of the STI if Andy Samberg admitted to accidentally giving it to Seth Meyers by sitting in his Weekend Update chair naked. All this was until a Christmas staff party. A group of us were playing Rock Paper Corduroy, the weekly competition that happens in Kits every week. The “funny” MC called me on stage to play my first round when he boomed into the mic, “Leah, hey? Do your friends call you ‘Gonorrhea Leah’?” My face flushed red as my boss yelled back “We do now!” Never thought that I would have a name that rhymes with an STI that no one wants. Since that stupid party, I’ve had this unfortunate nickname, but, and for the record, I have never actually had gonorrhea – just a name that rhymes with it. Also, for the record, I was a boss at Rock-Paper-Scissors that night, and won the entire round-robin competition, $50 and the MC’s phone number. Yes, I did.

The first time I made sweet, tender 15-second love to my high school boyfriend, it was nothing like I had imagined sex to be. We hadn’t even taken our clothes off and I had been wearing musical Christmas socks that robotically tolled "Jingle Bells". My boyfriend pulled himself away from me and stood up and zipped up his fly with such fierce conviction, “Wow,” he said, “There wasn’t any fireworks, or bells and whistles going off, that is so overrated.” I died a little inside and fought back the tears. That was the most special 15 seconds of my life, as he made his way towards his computer to start another rousing game of World of Warcraft. Before he glued his eyes to the monitor, he casually turned to me to let me know we would both have to go get tested for Hep C the next day, since there was a pretty good chance he had it. “Really?” I thought to myself, “Isn’t that what Pamela Anderson has?” I was super excited. If I was going to contract an STI in my first ever sexual experience with a man, I was so glad it was something cool that had a hot celebrity name attached to it. Think about it this way, Hepatitis C: terminal coolness.

Valentine’s Day is open season for singles, hookers and herpes. Chances are if you’re a single man by Granville or the Downtown Eastside you will have caught the eye of one of Van City’s voluptuous courtesans. These women are often very forthright and will approach without hesitation. But see the problem with prostitutes is they will never just flat out tell you they are prostitutes. And behind the beer goggles, inflated libido and crippling loneliness you may easily mistake one for another lone victim of St. Valentine. You invite her for pizza, chivalry is not dead. Sure, her kisses taste like stale cigarillos, but that thick Russian accent speaks of a woman who is cultured. Once the pieces slowly fall into place (she asks if you want to go to an ATM) and you have violently spat out that pizza, you will probably want a place to sit and reflect on life, or perhaps shed a few tears. While you ponder futile existentialism, use this time to come up with a quick anecdote to tell everyone why your mouth is covered in sores and you don’t want to share your fries anymore.

Fortunately, I have not contracted any conventional STIs in my life – that I know of. However, one condition that can be included in the ‘worst things you can get from being with someone’ list — other than a baby, obviously — is feelings. Feelings are very dangerous. What makes matters worse is that they’re much easier to catch in comparison to any other kind of STIs. Sometimes, all that needs to happen to catch feelings is a bat of the eyelashes, a combination of favouriting, retweeting and replying to a tweet — or, in the words of my boss Leah, “two shots of tequila.” Be wary when you start to catch feelings. The signs will be evident. You’ll start editing and proofreading your text messages, Facebook messages and even your Twitter direct messages. You’ll start to anxiously check your phone for any replies. You’ll check not only the “likes” count of your Instagram and Facebook photos but also who liked them. Feelings seem like such a blissful thing, but really, for the most part, they’re not. It may not be as bad as gonorrhoea, Hepatitis C or herpes, but between that and being somebody’s side chick, what’s actually worse?

- Leah Scheitel // Doesn't have Gonorrhea

- Faye Alexander // Aspiring Tour Guide

- Jasper Grau // New

- Carlo Javier // Emotional Tampon

*Note: neither of us had Hepatitis C, but his mom did.

POINTS TO BE A SCHEI GUY WITHIN STUMBLING DISTANCE // 1 POINT

THE CAPILANO COURIER.

VOLUME 48 I SSUE N O . 16

LIKES BUMS // 2 POINTS

the hOt Chart BY

CARLO JAVIER

WHISKEY SHOT // 3 POINTS LIKES CATS // 4 POINTS DOES NOT MAKE STAR WARS JOKES // 5 POINTS LIVES IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER // 6 POINTS VEGETARIAN // 7 POINTS

UNDERSTANDS THE NUANCES OF US SECRETARY OF STATES // 8 POINTS CAN REFERENCE SNL WITH EASE // 9 POINTS CAN SING “IGNITION (REMIX)” IN ITS ENTIRETY // 10 POINTS TAKES HER MOM TANGO DANCING ON SUNDAYS // 11 POINTS WRITES FOR THE GLOBE AND MAIL // 12 POINTS

DID YOU FORGET THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE? IT'S NOT TOO LATE, CUT THIS OUT AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE YOU LIKE.