Capilano Courier Volume 46 Issue 9

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north vancouver

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Quest for the perfect cup Multi-(Bi)Lingualism

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No Doubt is Not Hot

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The WizARD of Pot

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Where The Wild Books Are

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CAPILANO Courier The Staff

TABLE OF contents news

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of this fergalicious university newspaper

Ten cents about misogyny

calendar

6 JJ Brewis Editor-in-Chief

How to have a free week of fun

columns

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Giles Roy Managing Editor

Samantha Thompson Copy Editor

Shampoo sexy talk

arts

10

Zine there, done that

features

Lindsay Howe News Editor

Natalie Corbo Features Editor

Celina Kurz Arts Editor

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Festivus for the rest of us

Opinions

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Leah Scheitel Opinions Editor

Scott Moraes Caboose Editor

Ricky Bao Business Manager

The American erection

CABOOSE

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Hot coffee, hot moustaches Katie So Art Director

Connor Thorpe Staff Writer

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Stefan Tosheff Production Manager

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The Capilano Courier is an autonomous, democratically run student newspaper. Literary and visual submissions are welcomed.

All submissions are subject to editing for brevity, taste, and legality. The Capilano Courier will not publish material deemed by the collective to exhibit sexism, racism, or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier Publishing Society.

Shannon Elliott Web Editor

Colin Spensley Distribution Manager

Leanne Kriz Ads & Events Manager

× Letter from the editor ×

THE BIGGER PICTURE × ON the Cover ×

katie so Katie So is a Pro fo'sho Katie.so

Featured Contributors

Last week was undoubtedly a great one for many of us. The Courier staff was, as a whole, very invested in our American neighbours’ democratic decision to re-elect President Barack Obama. As you’ll see in this issue, we have a lot to say about these election results.

In her column this week, Copy Editor Samantha Thompson sees the Canadian interest in American politics as a hopeful gateway for us all to be a bit more interested in what’s going on within our own borders. And over in Opinions, that section’s editor, Leah Scheitel and our Humour Editor Scott Moraes give a play-by-play of non-American vantage points on US Election night (Leah is Canadian and Scott is from Brazil). Hell, I’m shocked Celina Kurz didn’t direct a documentary short film about Obama just so she could get it covered for Arts. We care about Obama; but we, much like other Canadians, may know more and care more about this election than what is currently happening in our own government.

Perhaps I don’t need to write an editorial about Obama’s win, but the fact of the matter is, this truly isn’t something that happens every day. The past three editors-in-chief of this paper were never given the opportunity to comment on a U.S. Election, and for me to not talk about it would feel like a missed opportunity. Four years is, after all, a long amount of time. In this case, hopefully a “good” long time, and not the exhausting “four more years” that was tacked on to George W. Bush’s second term.

While I do agree with Samantha that Canada would likely be a stronger country if we employed more political interest at home, there is a lot more to this conversation than a simple sudden decision to become interested. Unfortunately, an investment is not born overnight. Perhaps if we had a figurehead more like Barack Obama and less like Stephen Harper, we would all be a bit more inclined to show more interest.

Obama is often criticized for being a “celebrity president,” but I would argue that it’s not really a negative aspect. While he does spend a lot of time posing for photos with Beyoncé, he also has a lot of real business to attend to. And really, would any of us turn down an opportunity to hang out with Beyoncé? Obama is in a very difficult position, under a lot of pressure, and honestly doing a much better job than others in his position before him have done. And despite anyone’s stance on Obama’s work ethics or efficiency, the reality is that there will likely never

THE VOICE BOX

× Editor-in-Chief

be a flawless president or any politician really. Nobody is ever perfect, regardless of their position or status.

While it’s become a flippant and common occurency to “not care” about Canadian politics, primarily relating to a lack of passion regarding who is in charge of this country, we should probably realize this is all the more reason to give a damn. Very few people I know (see: none) trust our Prime Minister. Having someone in power as unpredictable and irresponsible as Harper is all the more reason to care. In theory, when people dislike the way something is being done, they should be taking action against it, and doing their best to change things for the better. As a whole, we collectively put Stephen Harper in government. And he may not be going away anytime soon, with the next Canadian federal election slated for 2015. Rather than spending the next three years silently hating the system, let’s keep in mind what we don’t like, and work towards a Canada that we’re more passionate about – and proud of. We also need to look at Canada aside from Harper and realize we are damned lucky to live here, and that we have a lot to celebrate, even if Harper isn’t our ideal person in power.

What’s most exciting to me about the enthusiasm behind a win like Obama’s is the camaraderie that is experienced in all who support one party, one person, and ultimately, one nation. Canada simply does not have the scope or influence that the United States have. We must remember that Harper’s Conservatives have been in office since 2006, and although various aspects of Canada are far from ideal, we haven’t exactly imploded yet either. There are good and bad aspects to all of us, let’s be honest. Harper is not perfect by any means. But he’s a far cry from Satan’s evil red dick as well. He’s like Obama, and the rest of us, in that he’s done some good, some not-so-good, and will continue to fluctuate between the two.

But despite a lot of actions and political news we may not enjoy, there is a world of good going on as well. America has a lot to be proud of in these elections: The first openly gay female senator, Wisconsin’s Tammy Baldwin, was elected. The U.S. also saw firsts for gay marriage, marijuana legalization, and minorities such as Hindus and Japanese senators gaining inaugural wins. This was in addition to a non-male majority for the House Democrats, and all of this is good news for everyone. It’s a beacon of social progress for not just America, but for all of us.

Featuring: giles Roy

The Voicebox gives you the chance to have your opinion heard, no matter how irrelevant or uninformed. Just send a text message to (778) 235-7835 to anonymously “voice” your “thoughts” on any “subject.” Then, as long it’s not too offensive, we’ll publish it! It’s a win-win-win, unless you’re a loser.

“I loved the article about boners. More articles about boners please!”

We’ll see what we can do.

“Why does every server at every restaurant interrupt my meal ten times to ask how it tastes? I’m eating it, aren’t I?” Why does every person who texts the Voicebox think they’re Jerry Seinfeld?

I don’t know what this is in reference to but I appreciate the encouragement.

How? How does that prove that? It just proves that he’s smart. Batman is smart, and Superman is dumb for not realizing that Batman would do that stuff. You’re wrong.

“I wish people would smile more!”

Go fuck yourself.

“I just want to say the Courier always brightens my Mondays morning and I look forward to the Caboose every week. :)” I was about to ream you out for not proofreading your entry to the Voicebox, but I’ll gladly publish this over an anonymous graphic sext, like the one I received earlier this week. So thanks for reading, stranger!

Sorry your life is otherwise shitty.

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“Do your fucking shit and let’s go!”

“The fact that Batman had to resort to using kryptonite to beat Superman basically proves that he is inferior.”

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What’s the deal with airplane food?

Well … now I know.

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“Yogurt lids are too hard to open. I literally had to stop eating yogurt.”

“You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful.”

the capilano courier

Dave McAnsh i s a graduate of Capilano’s IDEA program. The experience has treated him well, as he lists his greatest achievement as “Staying awake while watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. The extended cut.” When not spelunking for Elijah Wo o d , Dave self-employs himself as one of the hottest up and coming illustrators in town. “I work from my living room, trying to make other people’s companies look nice and occasionally making pictures for some school newspaper,” he says. A big fan of The Cinematic Orchestra “for the past two days,” Dave also likes podcasts and twirly moustaches (even when it’s not November!) But Dave, what do you do in your spare time? “Drink whisky and cry. Not necessarily in that order. Not necessarily not in that order, either.” What a character! You can view more of Dave’s work online at Davemcansh.com.

Christina Lamanes got peed on by a tiger, once.

“They didn’t have that other fence! It just sprayed.

It was weird!” But her life isn’t all fun and games.

“I’m most proud when I know I’ve made an impact somewhere,” she says.

“If I can in any way help people to reach or find their potential, that’s something I’m passionate about.” This liberal arts and sciences student with a political background is moving into communications soon, likely a bi-product of her marketing and assisting gig for portrait photographer Michael O’Shea.

Christina has spent time travelling through Holland, France and Spain, and most treasures antique books, particularly the “really politically incorrect but awesome” 1800s era treasures she acquired in an Amsterdam market. Hailing from White Rock and presently a resident of Lynn Valley, she’s a budding photographer herself with a “crazy Instagram account.” If you want to see Christina’s photos, you can follow that account @sunshine110.

“We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy. That won’t change after tonight, and it shouldn’t. These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty.”

– Barack Obama

By JJ Brewis

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NEWS

News Editor ×

Lindsay Howe × n e w s @ c a p i l a n o c o u r i e r . c o m

Are you Speakin' my Language?

Bilingualism rises in Canada, but not in our official languages Carlo Javier × Writer One of Canada’s identifying features is the country’s official bilingualism, with English and French recognized as having equal status. With statistical reports that bilingualism is on the rise, one aspect is noted: It’s not with English and French, but instead, it’s more commonly with English and either Mandarin or Punjabi.

Statistics say that 17.5 per cent of Canadians, or 5.8 million people, speak no less than two languages at home, a significant rise from the 2006 census’ 14.2 per cent, or 1.5 million people. Within that 5.8 million, speakers usually use English, and another immigrant language, instead of English and French. Stats also reveal that there are about 200 foreign languages currently active in Canada, with Punjabi leading the way, followed closely by Chinese languages.

When combined with a closely related language like Urdu, Punjabi speakers total to about 1,180,000 speakers; not too far behind are the 1,113,000 speakers of Chinese languages.

Other prominent foreign languages include Spanish, Tagalog, Arabic, Urdu, Italian and German.

Among these foreign tongues, the Philippine-based Tagalog made the most strides in terms of an increase in speakers over the past five years.

There was a reported 64 per cent increase in Tagalog speakers, a considerable rise from the 2006 census’ 170,000 speakers, to about 279,000.

An interesting coincidence is Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s planned visit to the Philippines in mid-November, following his visit to India.

The presence of foreign languages is strong here in Vancouver, with 712,000 people, 31 per cent, reported to speak a native language that’s neither English nor French; Punjabi and Chinese languages once again lead the way, with Tagalog trailing behind.

Immigration is a key factor. In a statistic provided by Peter Frayne, manager of media relations for Statistics Canada, it’s revealed that in 2009, the top 10 sources of immigrating countries were: People's Republic of China, Philippines, India, United States, United Kingdom, France, Pakistan, Iran, Republic of Korea, and Morocco.

Jean-Pierre Corbeil of Statistics Canada told the Globe and Mail about the importance of immigration, saying that, “Immigrants have to master English, and they have already mastered another language.”

As for the official languages of Canada, both English and French experienced a slight decline.

In Quebec, 72.8 per cent speak only French at home, a small decrease from 2006 census’ 75.1 per cent, but about 94.4 per cent of Quebecois can speak French, a consistent figure from 2006.

Likewise, for the rest of Canada, 74.1 per cent speak only English at home, presenting a decline from the 77.1 per cent five years ago.

However, official bilingualism is still growing – but barely. The 17.4 per cent speakers of both English and French in 2006 made the slightest increase to 17.5 per cent.

Despite the reported slumps, the official languages still remain dominant throughout the country. 20 million people fluently speak English, while about 6 million more have a progressing knowledge of the language. 7 million more people speak French, and another 2 million have a working knowledge of the French language.

But the statistic that can be considered as a potential issue is the steep decline of aboriginal languages. Reports say that there are 3,620 less people speaking an aboriginal language, a 1.7 per cent decline from 2006. Among aboriginal languages, Cree is staying strong, while Ojibway and Inuktitut remain common. However, other languages are losing ground, particularly the Mohawk language.

“Once we’ve lost language, we’ve lost a mainstay of culture. All the knowledge that has gone into our languages and our cultures may be needed again sometime – and may be needed sometime soon,” Edward Doolittle of the First Nations University of Canada told the CBC. Yet there is still a silver lining. According to Frayne, “When comparing the census’ data from 2006 to 2011, it shows that while the number of

people who reported an aboriginal mother tongue slightly declined, the number of people who spoke an aboriginal language at home increased …

Furthermore … the number of people who reported an aboriginal mother tongue slightly declined by 1.7 per cent between 2006 and 2011.

On the other hand, the number of people who reported speaking an aboriginal language at home, either most often or on a regular basis, rose by 12.5 per cent during that same period.”

But with the lasting dominance of English and still-prominent French, the rise of foreign languages isn’t so much of a threat to official bilingualism. Immigrants still go on to learn English, and there is also a rise in immigrants learning French in Quebec. It may just be Canada diversifying a little more.

×× Peter Pawlowski

Not worth a dime Misogynistic content cited as controversial website is shut down Connor Thorpe

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UBC authorities acted quickly in the wake of the discovery of an inappropriate Twitter feed on Oct. 23. The account, The Dime Watch (@ubcdimewatch), primarily featured both posed and “creep shot”-style photos of women on the UBC campus. The women in the photos were subsequently subjected to tweets that included misogynistic statements and “ratings” of their attractiveness. A website tied to the Twitter feed had been recently established, but the Twitter account had been active since early 2012.

According to UBC spokesperson Lucie McNeill, the school became aware of Dime Watch when “a member of the UBC community sent an email to [their] Athletics Department leadership, pointing to the website, the Twitter feed and highlighting some of the content.”

Before the closure of the Twitter account, its description read: “Keeping you up to date on the hottest talent strutting their stuff on campus, submit pics, descriptions and locations. We’ll keep you moist #dimewatch.”

It has been confirmed that some students of UBC’s athletics department were involved in the

creation and maintenance of the website, though the school has “no evidence regarding who actually started [the] Twitter feed initially.”

UBC Thunderbirds hockey team defenseman Ben Schmidt has been accused of creating Thedimewatch.com, allegations he admits are true – though he claims to have set the website up for a friend.

“I registered the domain and created the basic website layout for a friend,” said Schmidt in a tweet that was verified by UBC campus newspaper, the Ubyssey, who notes he “didn’t expect publicity for it.”

“Student athletes who represent the university as members of our Thunderbird teams are held to all of the university’s codes of conduct, including our respectful environment statement,” says McNeill. “In addition, they must adhere to the student athlete code of conduct, which is somewhat stricter in that it recognizes that student athletes, as representatives of the university, must adhere to a conduct becoming of this important role. Derogatory and demeaning content, in social media or elsewhere, is unacceptable.”

While the investigation remains ongoing, UBC has made contact with the students who have been linked to the incident.

“Student athletes whose Twitter handles were on the @ubcdimewatch Twitter feed were

encouraged to delete offensive tweets and to take down the site – or to contact those they knew were involved, and encourage them in turn to take offensive material down,” McNeill explains. “This was asked of the student athletes – and they chose to comply.”

Despite the compliance of the student athletes in taking down material associated with Dime Watch, photos from the site are still available on Twicsy – a site that archives pictures linked to Twitter accounts. It is unclear whether further action will be taken to remove these photos.

“UBC staff involved with student issues, in the Athletics Department and with central areas of the university, are looking into the various aspects of this issue,” says McNeill. “Irrespective of conclusions drawn, UBC will not discuss individual students because of privacy and confidentiality.”

When questioned on the potential consequences for the students involved with Dime Watch, McNeill says, “UBC is still looking into this matter, and no conclusions have been drawn as of yet. More important to the university is the desire that students learn from experiences such as this one.”

UBC student Ekateryna Baranovskaya told the Ubyssey that she faced backlash from student athletes after she voiced her distaste for Dime

Watch over Twitter.

“I definitely got a very, very negative response from members of the UBC varsity hockey team,” she explained. “It definitely highlighted the things I did not like about the @ubcdimewatch Twitter account, which were very gendered insults.”

Baranovaskaya went on to comment that the reaction towards her was more severe than the student – a male – who initially flagged the site.

She felt that her gender provoked the insults that she received.

“I noticed there were quite a few more targeted at me rather than Neal [Yonson, who initially reported Schmidt’s involvement],” Baranovskaya said. “I would say most likely it was for that reason.”

Dime Watch does not represent the first time university students have employed social media for mean-spirited and misogynistic purposes.

Before Facebook wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg had made his billions, he started predecessor site FaceMash, which compared photos of students and encouraged people to rate which student was more attractive. These events were depicted in the David Fincher film, The Social Network. For his involvement in FaceMash, Zuckerberg faced a slew of charges including the invasion of other student’s privacy. It remains unknown whether UBC authorities will enact repercussions that branch into legal territory.

Not-So-Free Trade Canada compromises with China FIPA Leah Scheitel × Opinions Editor Canada has a history of embarking on free trade.

Currently, we have trade agreements with Japan, the United Kingdom, Malaysia and Thailand, among many others, and NAFTA agreements.

But the Foreign Investment Protection Agreement (FIPA) that Canada is negotiating with China is causing alarm with many Canadian citizens.

The trade agreement would provide assurances to Canadian investors in China. As Laura Dobson explained in the Montreal Gazette, “What these agreements provide are some basic assurances that if a Canadian investor established or acquires a company in another county, then the investor has a right to legal recourse if that company is expropriated without compensation. In exchange, we offer these same rights to foreign investors in Canada.”

While that seems harmless, what Canadians are most concerned about is dealing with a country with as much economic power as China. Canada has FIPA agreements with 30 other countries, but most of those are with countries with a weaker economy than Canada: Croatia, Senegal and Columbia, to name a few. According to News. investors.com, China could surpass the United States as the world’s strongest economy as early as 2016.

“This case, it’s a little bit different because China is far more powerful than we are, so we are kind of on the lesser-country end of the agreement,” says Ian Hanington, a communications manager for the David Suzuki Foundation. “The FIPA is sort of to balance out that power imbalance.

They’re usually agreements between a more developed country and a developing country. But this

one is different because we’re not doing it with El Salvador; we’re doing it with one of the most powerful countries on the planet. The power imbalance is a bit lopsided.”

Another thing that Hanington notes is that China’s government has a different system of values than Canada, and it could be dangerous for Canadian investors in China, regardless of a trade agreement.

“The trade agreement is, theoretically, in place to protect Canadian investors who work in China as well as Chinese investors working in Canada.

Whether China adheres to those rules or not remains to be seen because they’re not known for always keeping their end of the agreements when it comes to protecting investors’ interests,” he says.

“They are not a democratic country and they don’t have the same rules and regulations and laws that we have.”

China has shown increased interest in Canada’s oil industry and the tar sands. China’s state-owned energy company, CNOOC, is trying to obtain Nexen. Based out of Calgary, Nexen is Canada’s sixth largest oil company, and China wants to take it over for $15.1 billion. Their piqued interest in Canadian oil brings up concerns about the Enbridge pipeline.

“The Chinese state-owned companies are some of the biggest investors in that pipeline. So this definitely could be considered their investment interests in Canada,” Hanington says. “It appears to me that if that pipeline were blocked, and they felt that it was impinging on their investments and their interests in the tar sands and getting the bitumen to China, then they would be able to sue.”

One of the protections in the agreement is the right to full protection and security from public opinion. If either country felt as if their investors’

interests were being hindered, they could pursue legal action outside of the country.

“If China decided that Canada did something that was harmful to its interests, for example, if B.C. decided to block the pipeline which meant that they weren’t getting their raw bitumen that they had been promised, then they could sue Canada, and B.C., if it was the B.C. government that blocked it, outside of Canada behind closed doors. It would be a secret hearing,” continues Hanington.

There have been other factors in the trade deal that have raised concern across Canada. The most prominent is that this agreement has been pushed through parliament with as little debate as possible. On Capital Hill, the NDP Opposition made a motion to debate the details of the agreement in the House of Commons, but the motion was defeated. Political and environmental activists, such as Elizabeth May and David Suzuki, have both spoken out about how the Conservative government has sped this FIPA through our democratic system without restraint.

“Worse yet, it will not be voted on in the House,” wrote May on her website, “It will be automatically enacted 21 sitting days from when it was tabled in the House. By November 1, barring a miracle, Canada will be bound for the next 15 years (minimum) to these terms.”

May brings up the other major alarm in this specific agreement. With most NAFTA agreements, either country can terminate the deal provided they give six months notice. The China-Canada FIPA, however, is a minimum 15-year commitment.

“The NAFTA, which was a huge trade agreement, and the free trade agreement with the United States before that, both have the six month opting-out clause, which seems reasonable,

CHEWING ON THE NUMBERS New study reveals Canadians lack caloric literacy Victoria Fawkes × Writer

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The Board of Directors for the Capilano Students’ Union last met on Nov. 7. There were a number of noteworthy decisions made at the meeting.

On Nov. 15 from 4 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. in the CSU library lounge the Environmental Issues Committee will be holding an Open Space Forum to promote discussion on campus about environmental issues. The purpose of the event is to form groups of people with similar environmental interests and create networks by socializing, discussing and making a quick presentation on the issue. The committee requested a food and budget allowance of $200 for the event, which was approved.

The International Students’ Committee will be hosting a number of events for International Education Week, including a bowling and a hockey night. The bowling event has been organized by the University Centre for International Experience. The committee requested a food and beverage allowance of $230 for the hockey night, which was approved.

The Students with Disabilities Liaison Sean Stewart made a donation request of $150 to give to the G.F. Strong Rehabilitation Centre. The donation would allow the centre to purchase a geocaching device that is used to help people find things out in the community using GPS technology. The device would be used to assist patients in the brain injury wing. There was much discussion surrounding this issue, including the fact that there are many charities in need of donations, that this donation is not specifically relevant to students, that there is not an abundance of funds left in the donation budget, and that the CSU does not donate to government-funded charities or organizations larger than themselves. The motion to make the donation did not pass.

There were a number of motions that were also discussed. A motion was passed to allow the CSU to send four representatives to Victoria for a Where’s the Funding event. Where’s the Funding is a provincial advocacy group comprised of multiple post-secondary student unions in B.C., including the CSU, and they work together to demand more accessible, affordable postsecondary education.

A motion was carried to allow further consideration into the CSU purchasing U-Pass zip pouch ID holders for students.

The pouch will feature a CSU logo and is meant to keep your U-Pass safe and dry, whilst reminding students that the U-Pass is brought to you by the CSU. The CSU is also working towards finding a way to include full-time Capilano students that do not attend the North Vancouver Campus in the health and dental plan.

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larger chain restaurants as well. However, listing the calories in items may not be enough to help restaurant-goers make better choices, whether they are Canadian or American.

Diack notes that education is the cure for the extreme increase of obesity in Canada. “We are constantly hearing about nutrition from the news, TV, internet, and from our favourite celebrities. There is tons of misleading nutritional information out there. Children and teens often rely on their parents or peers to guide their food and beverage choices,” she says.

“Reliable, evidenced-based information from reputable sources is lacking in the media and can be difficult to access.”

While education definitely plays a role in the lowering of the Canadian obesity rate, clearer nutritional labels and packaging may help as well. In the United Kingdom, packaged foods are labeled with red, yellow, or green markers to represent the calories and ranging nutrition levels of the foods. This program will be implemented on the majority of store-bought foods next year, in an effort to help combat the rising obesity rates in the United Kingdom. While the traffic light-style nutrition program has also already been integrated into many Canadian vending machines, there is still much more that can be done to outline the nutritional details and calories of food items, and get Canadians back on track to a happy and healthy future.

What’s new with the CSU?

By Lindsay Howe, News Editor

the capilano courier

How many calories are in a muffin? What about a bowl of chicken soup or a chocolate sundae?

If you can’t answer those questions, you’re not alone. A recent study from the Canadian Obesity Network has found that Canadians don’t know how many calories they need to take in, or how many calories they’re eating. The results of the experiment suggest that the lack of caloric literacy may lead to an unhealthier lifestyle and increased risk of obesity because of the lack of nutritional knowledge among Canadians.

To test Canadians’ caloric literacy, researchers showed people examples of commonly eaten foods and asked them to guess how many calories each food contained. Most of the Canadians tested were unable to correctly estimate how many calories were in the items, and many were confused as to which was the healthier choice when presented with two different options. “The results are a wake up call and emphasize the need for people to become more engaged in their health and food choices,” says Lindsay Diack, a registered dietitian at the Elements Wellness Centre in Vancouver. While it is important for Canadians to have basic caloric literacy, Diack believes that calorie counting is not the most effective long-term strategy for weight management and that more expansive nutritional information is needed. “It's a good step to learn which foods provide you with the most nutrients

and health benefits, and which foods just add excess calories, fat, sugar and sodium. It’s not just about calories, it’s about choosing foods that taste good, make you feel great, give you lasting energy and benefit your long term health,” she says.

A Statistics Canada study done in 2011 shows that the Canadian obesity rate has been steadily rising since the mid 1980s, along with the American obesity rate. The study noted that while one in three Americans were obese, Canada wasn’t far behind, with one in four people weighing in at obese levels. Comparing the study to those done in 1986 and 1994, the rate of obesity in Canada has increased about 10 per cent for men and eight percent for women. “Regardless of the stats, health concerns are evident and growing. People are busier, more stressed and financially pressured than ever. Women are climbing corporate ladders while having families at the same time. We arrive home exhausted with little energy for grocery shopping, cooking and exercise,” notes Diack.

While many restaurants, especially fast-food chains, voluntarily carry nutritional information in their stores, there is still a major lack of caloric knowledge in restaurants. While Canadian restaurants are just beginning to inform customers on the calories they are eating, nutritional information in restaurants in the United States has been available for years. Across the border, many sit-down style restaurants list the calorie count of food items on their menus, helping Americans to make better health choices. American legislation has just recently been passed that will require calorie counts presented beside standard menu items at

but to lock it in for a minimum of 15 years, I’m not sure as how that could be seen as being in our interest,” says Harington, “Unless the fact is that this agreement is really geared towards developing the tar sands, which is what this government is aiming its policies at.”

As of yet, the agreement has not gone into full effect, meaning Canadians may still have a voice in the matter. But, as Harington explains, this agreement should be cause for alarm. “It’s being done without provincial consent, without any risk-benefit analysis, and without any parliamentary debate.”

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cap calendar

Calendar@ c a p i l a n o c o u r i e r . c o m

Contact us to have your event featured in the calendar tuesday nov. 13 International Education Week This is exactly what it sounds like. Canada and 85 other countries are going to spend the week celebrating international education and the positive impact it has on Canadians’ ability to be engaged with the international stage. There are going to be lots of events happening all week, so keep an eye out for the free swag.

All week, on campus. Free.

Campus Tour Are you still feeling lost, even though it’s November? I have great news! There are these things called campus tours, and experienced students show you around while sharing fantastic fun facts, like where the Egg of Knowledge is, and which of the buildings is designed to look like a giant drum. And everyone knows fun facts are the backbone of learning.

2:45 p.m., on campus. Free, but RSVP!

Dress for Success Purse Drive If you have some old purses lying around that you don’t use anymore, pass them on so someone new can appreciate them! There will be a box in the CSU lounge for drop-off, all week.

All week, CSU library. Cost of giving away a purse (free, duh!)

Milo Greene Uhhh, we accidentally put this in the calendar last week but it’s actually tonight.

Sorry/surprise! Hopefully you didn’t go to that and decide that you hate us now. I promise this is the correct date for this.

Honestly it is. You can look it up on the Internet. Presumably you did that anyway. If it’s any consolation, it’ll probably be pretty good.

8 p.m., The Media Club. $12.

wednesday nov. 14 Registration Starts Aaand another semester is up and ready to go at Capilano, which means it’s time for you to register! Registration starts today, so make sure you’re ready with your ideal schedule when your time comes. It’s a rough world out there, so good luck.

Starts today, on the Internet. Cost of tuition :(

Garry Thomas Morse This critically acclaimed author is visiting the library to read from his new book, Minor Episodes / Major Ruckus. I love it when people read from their books because it feels like that special part of the book is coming alive!

7 p.m., VPL Central Branch. Free.

INVEST IN YOURSELF “Open house in which you can find out about the Centre for Digital Media's real-world industry projects, four-month internships, new scholarships, brand-new facility, and innovative curriculum.

Registration required.”

5 p.m., Centre for Digital Media. Free.

IS FREE TRADE GOOD OR BAD? “As part of the SFU Philosophers' Café series, this session includes a viewing of a video of former Nigerian finance minister Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala discussing aid versus trade.”

7p.m., Lynn Valley Main Library. Free!

Thursday nov. 15 Sam’s Sister’s birthday Copy Editor Samantha Thompson has a sister, and today is her birthday! She is turning 17, which is a pretty big deal because it means she’ll get her “N” and will be able to pick Sam up from places. Oh and also, because she’s graduating high school and birthdays are awesome. Woop!

All day, Crash Crawleys. Cost of ice cream cake.

After School Special Okay, so this thing sounds absolutely amazing! It’s an event that showcases emerging creatives within Vancouver – in all sorts of disciplines like design, photography, illustration and fine art. Basically, it’s going to be a beautiful vacation for your eyes. FUN FACT: Courier Production Manager Stefan Tosheff is one of the featured artists!

6 p.m., 220-314 W Cordova. Free.

Barry McKinnon: Poetry Reading Capilano has a brand-new writer-in-residence, and his name is Barry! Which, coincidentally, is the same name as my grandpa. I don’t know if you know this, but Barry McKinnon will consult your manuscripts, which is pretty cool. Today, he’s doing a poetry reading, and he’s also going to have a blog. The blog will likely not just be today.

11:30 a.m., LB322. Free.

Lights of Hope at St. Paul’s Because it’s really cool to see a bunch of stars lit up in massive lights. Living in Vancouver, we don’t get a chance to see the real ones in the sky as often, so this is a legitimate treat.

They run until January 10, but the initial lighting only happens once… a year.

6:40 p.m., St. Paul’s Hospital. Free (or by donation, if you’re inclined.)

Friday nov. 16 Eastbound & Sound There’s this sweet show going down at this place called The Woods, which apparently is one of those “it” places that everyone has to go to at some point in their lives. Line-up includes Jenavive, Tuesdays at the Marquee, From the Future and Yes Bear (which coincidentally includes our Production Manager Stefan Tosheff! Apparently he’s quite busy this week. Stefan says: “I am, it’s true!”)

Doors at 8 p.m., 7 W 2nd. $8.

VSO Pops: The Bright Lights of Broadway Ah okay, so when I first heard of this I thought it was going to be about the neon lights of Broadway, but NO, it’s going to feature hit songs from Broadway shows to the tune of a symphony orchestra and a talented singer, Debbie Gravitte! So now I totally want to go. Anyone want to come with?

8 p.m., the Orpheum. $21-$88.

Alice Cooper Sorry to all the hardcore rock and roll fans out there, but I totally didn’t even realize Alice Cooper was still around! Good for him! Rocking it out, forever. I wonder if he’s still wearing corpse paint. Is he really Alice Cooper without it? Important Questions. JJ's mom has seen Alice Cooper twice and says he's "pretty rockin'".

8 p.m., Queen Elizabeth Theatre. $80 (or stay home and watch Wayne’s World.)

Breaking Dawn: Part II I haven’t read any of the Twilight books, so this is where I predict the plot! On set, the director said to grouchy Kristen, “What’s wrong?” and she said “Being a teenager sucks!” She hates everything! She should just enjoy the fame ride for what it is and hang out with Kanye West and enjoy free Swatch watches like the pros.

All day, every theatre in town. Use your Scene points.

the capilano courier

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volume

46 issue N o . 9

Saturday nov. 17

6

Canzine West Zines are the coolest thing around right now!

This fair will tell you all about them, showcase awesome speakers and give you a chance to buy some zines from our local Zinesters!

Courier Art Director Katie So and Production Manager Stefan Tosheff will be there, if you’d like to meet them. Check out the article on the fair in this week’s Arts section.

1 p.m., W2 Community Media Arts. $5.

Twelfth Night I’m one of those people who loved reading Shakespeare in high school, and looked forward to Bard on the Beach with too much excitement every year. Now, Capilano’s actors are bringing to life one of Shakespeare’s most exciting plays, which includes everything from drunk pirates, to lover’s troubles, to duping! FUN TIMES. Runs until Nov. 24.

8 p.m., NSCU Centre. $22/$15/$10.

Rebirth Brass Band They’ve been a musical institution since 1983, and now the Grammy winning group from New Orleans is bringing their show to Vancouver! A cornucopia of “R&B, funk, soul, rock and jazz.” Sounds pretty bad-ass, but it was really mostly just an excuse to say cornucopia.

10 p.m., Vancouver FanClub. $25.

Christmas at Hycroft Between Nov. 15-18, you can head up to a beautiful Edwardian mansion, get photos with Santa, buy unique gifts for loved ones and enjoy the wonderment of the Christmas season! Hey, it’s November, so it’s fair game as far as we’re concerned. The event page specifically says “more than a craft fair.” I just wanna feel like I’m in an old holiday movie like Jingle All the Way. 10 a.m.-6:00 p.m. (until 9 p.m. on the 17/18), Hycroft. $13.

Young Naturalists’ Club: Walk Like An Animal The word “amazing” is overused, but it’s fairly safe to use it liberally for an event like this.

This amazing event shows you how to spot wild animals in a forest! Skeptical? Talk about combining safety, learning how to impress girls and exploring the mysticism of natural B.C. wildlife all in one go. I am calling in sick to do this shit. I wanna know how to spot elk among the elm!

1 p.m., Lynn Canyon Ecology Center. Free, but must pre-register.

Railtown Supper Party: Fall Edition I don’t give a shit what anyone says about wine. It either tastes good, or it tastes like piss. Sure, you can tell the difference between a $6 Trader Joe’s special and the $15 #Yolo wine (this really exists), but try comparing a mid-range to a pricy one. It’s a fucking plateau. Get the $15 bottle and spend the rest on this event which I’m not really sure what it is. Something about food. I’m personally getting Taco Del Mar to go with my #Yolo wine. Yolo.

6 p.m., Vancouver Urban Winery. $90.

Sunday nov. 18 Proud: A Reading Obviously I’m going to this – it features a public reading of Michael Healey’s take on politics in Canada today, Proud. It takes place in the Prime Minister’s Office after Harper’s dream comes true: he’s won a super majority government. It takes a look at where we stand today as a democracy, and what the future can hold for Canada. This is also known as my Dream Play.

6:30 p.m., NSCU Centre. Admission by donation.

The Lost Fingers This Quebec City trio plays upbeat, charming gypsy jazz. Their repertoire features crowd favourites like AC/DC and Michael Jackson, and is clever and funny. The show is certainly going to be a wonderful night out.

8 p.m., Kay Meek Centre. $28/$25.

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Columns

Columns Editor ×

JJ Brewis × E d i t o r @ c a p i l a n o c o u r i e r . c o m

Tales of the Toxically Single

Anna L. Beedes × Columnist

Love ya soon, real soon ×× Lydia Fu

It’s hard to write about sex when you’re not having any. After suffering through a dry spell since July, my inspiration for these articles started to dwindle. As a solution, we ran a contest to win a date with me, graciously paid for by the Courier.

At first, I was nervous and slightly embarrassed about the idea of being a contest prize, but after a little coaxing, I got into it. As my editor said: “At least you’ll get a column out of it.”

Over two weeks, we received a plethora of entries, with contestants suggesting what we should do on a first date. By plethora, I mean that it was more than five. Three of the entries were friends I bribed into entering, just for the sake of my self-esteem. My friend Jeff wrote in, thinking he was going to win a date with my “hot pixie friend” Annie. It got awkward when I had to tell him it was to win a date with me, “Anna, not

Annie,” and that Annie is actually gay and “doesn’t like dick.”

“At all?” he pursued.

“Nope, not even if she drinks too much.”

I was ecstatic when a guy I have been crushing on wrote in with a brilliant last line (at respect of embarrassment to him, I’ll leave it to your imagination), and utterly disappointed when, by democratic vote, another entry won. “But he’s so cute,” my editor gushed. “You’re totally going to fall in love with him.” The winner failed to reply to my editor’s email of congratulations by the time my crush, Owen, asked who won. I didn’t have the heart to tell Owen he didn’t actually win. Nor did I want to! I really had wanted Owen to win.

I first met him at four in the morning on my way home after a night out. I started biking home after another drunken night, singing a song about my plans to make a pie once I arrived home. Owen and his BFF Joel were in his driveway, smoking a cigar and drinking beers, and overheard my improvised ode to pastry. He shouted at me, asking if I could make peach pie, and it turned into a sidewalk symposium. I stopped in his driveway, and we talked about everything from the oil industry, to hawks, to our favorite philosophers. (According to us, people who enjoy Nietzsche are better lovers than Ayn Rand admirers.) It was light out by the time I got my ass into bed.

We had gone on two dates prior to the contest, but on both occasions, he would find an excuse to invite Joel along. I wanted a proper date, just him,

and me. I went into desperation mode, and lied. I fibbed to Owen and told him that he had won the contest, and that we got to go out for a fun night on the town. Wow did that backfire.

When I showed up to the pizza restaurant we agreed to meet at, he had already ordered a pitcher of beer, and an entire pizza. ‘”Shit,” I thought right away, “I’m paying for this big giant lie on my big giant Visa card.”

For the duration of the date, it seemed like Owen agreed to it for the mere fact that he was getting a free meal. He devoured an entire pizza to himself and ordered drinks at will. Being a student, I understand what the offer of a free meal can do to the appetite, but I didn’t think I would be putting the entire cost of the date on my credit card, the debt of which would likely outlast the budding romance. Not to mention, halfway through the pizza, our normally rampant conversations had slowed to the speed of a slug. In a moment of awkward silence, I described how my new shampoo adds a shine to my hair “that no other shampoo has ever done before. Ever.” It was a dire situation.

He didn’t know that I was actually forking out the cash, so I can’t blame him for that. But I can blame him for a shitty goodbye. Given our previous track record muddled by a third wheel, I was dying to kiss this guy. He rode the SkyTrain with me, even though it added an extra half hour onto his commute home, so I thought I had this one in the bag. Or the sack. Whichever way you look at it.

IN DA HOUSE

46 issue N o . 9 volume

× the capilano courier

8

Anna L. Beedes was born with a heart of gold, which is now nestled in a tree of terrible and awkward eggs, also known as the male population. She examines the intricacies within the world of sex and love, hoping to find answers to some of her heart and her loins’ greatest queries.

Samantha Thompson × Columnist

LIKE SLEEPING WITH AN ELEPHANT On Nov. 6, my social media feeds were filled with sentiments such as “I’m so scared!” and “I’m going to ignore the Internet for the next 12 hours – tell me when it’s over!” Certainly there was cause for concern: it was the night of the U.S. elections, and Americans would finally find out who would govern their country for the next four years. But perhaps unsurprisingly, those posting status updates and tweeting about this supposed fear weren’t my friends living in America. They were the ones living in Canada, with Canadian citizenship, with the right to vote only in Canadian elections. More surprisingly, during the Canadian election last year, my feed saw the odd “Take that, Liberals!” or “Orange Crush FTW!” – but no one outside of my political circles expressed fear.

Now, while I appreciate that the American elections make people care about politics periodically, I wish that the same attention would be paid to ours at home as well. We should be passionate enough about who becomes the Prime Minister of Canada that we actually care about the outcome of the election. Like it or not, the people elected in this country will be responsible for creating policy that will impact you directly as someone who lives within its borders – and an offshoot of this is that our Prime Minister will decide who Canada is going to co-operate with. Prime Minister Harper, it seems, enjoys continuing to work with the U.S. (as we have done for many, many years), which is the main reason the U.S. elections remain so significant to Canadians. They’re Canada’s largest trading partners, and they are also the closest to

As we said goodbye at our Commercial and Broadway crossroads, I became the equivalent of those comic strips with someone puckering up for a kiss and the other person turning to walk away.

“Alright,” he said. “It was fun. See you real soon.”

I do have to say that this was a step up.

Previously he had only said, “I’ll see you soon.” ”Real soon,” must’ve meant that we were really getting somewhere. It’s not like I wanted to suck face outside of the Megabite for hours, but I did want to kiss the guy goodnight. All night long, as he talked about his four bands and the geniuses in his family, and as I talked about my shampoo, I had this growing feeling that we weren’t on the same page. He writes philosophy books. I write sex columns. He writes feature articles for editors that I fetched coffee for during an internship. The lack of a goodnight kiss was the ultimate ode; he was not interested and I was hurt.

We both lied: I told him he won, and he said he’d see me “real soon.” But he got a free meal out of my lie. All I got was feeling of rejection and incompetence. Yeah, he definitely got the better end of the deal. But at least there’s always my dear love, peach pie.

us in geographical proximity. What happens in that country can have a very significant impact on Canada.

One of the best examples to demonstrate this comes from something that will change in American legislation as a result of the Nov. 6 vote: Washington voters legalized the recreational use of marijuana for people over the age of 21. Washington is the state closest to B.C., Canada’s province which has a significant, albeit illegal, pot-growing industry. There has been significant activism in this province calling for the decriminalization of marijuana, with advocates saying that by keeping the drug illegal, we’re fueling gang wars, creating an overburdened criminal justice system and losing significant income that could be gained by taxing the plant.

This month, Harper’s mandatory minimum sentences for drug possession also came into effect, and his Office released a statement that read, “Other jurisdictions are free to do as they please. This government will not be legalizing marijuana.” While Harper, for now, can remain firmly against marijuana, the pressure will be on as a result of the Washington vote. Their proximity to Canada encourages a black market, which will only feed into the other cited problems like organized crime. This has the potential to turn the decriminalization of marijuana into a multiparty issue, and the conversation is only being generated because of something that happened with our neighbours to the south.

Our international relations expand beyond the

United States, which is something that Harper has proudly been working on since he became Prime Minister. His international relations are comprised almost solely of trade agreements, which is fine – as Rick Mercer said, “Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti-trade. I expect that my government is out there negotiating trade agreements with countries, some of them totalitarian regimes.”

Mercer was referring to an agreement that is currently being negotiated between Canada and China, commonly known as FIPA (Foreign Investment Promotion and Protection Agreement). FIPA is startling because Harper could decide to ratify it at any moment, and it has received basically no debate in Parliament, and will not be voted on by our elected Members of Parliament. According to Gus Van Harten for the Globe and Mail, what makes the trade agreement with China different than other agreements is that China’s investors have a lot of assets in Canada and “it allows arbitrators, beyond Canadian courts and, in some situations, any court, to review decisions of any legislature, government, court, tribunal, first nation or municipality that affects any Chineseowned asset.” They can order an elected legislature to pay compensation to Chinese investors.

Yes, this deal sounds pretty bad, but the worst part is that this significant trade deal is going to happen with no debate, and without any sort of vote in the House of Commons. If this trade agreement goes through, Canada will have to give 15 years notice to China if they want to leave the deal. Compare that to our trade agreement with

the U.S., which has been in effect since 1988, where we only have to give six months notice.

“This government got elected by promising to be accountable and transparent,” said Mercer.

“By avoiding the accountable, they become more transparent every day.”

The greatest thing we can learn from this trade agreement with China is that Harper is willing to do trade with whomever he likes if he feels it will be beneficial to Canada’s economy. China is currently governed by a totalitarian regime, but he doesn’t care about that. He will do trade, it seems, with anyone – and this is why we have to care as much about our own country’s elections as we do for those in the U.S. The U.S. elections are torture for me. I, too, am scared, but I am also torn between loving that all of Canada is paying attention to the results, and hating that these Canadians don’t show the same passion for their own elections. It’s a tough call, because what happens in the politics of other countries (for our country, it especially matters in the U.S.) will affect Canada. But if we forget to pay attention to our own elections, it won’t matter who is elected President of the United States. We have a bigger battle to fight here at home, and even a re-elected Obama won’t be able to save us.

Samantha Thompson is the most politically savvy member of the Courier staff. When not swooning over various MPs, she also enjoys teen pop stars, Disney films, and the wizarding world of British novels.

Cover to Cover

Brian Pascual × Columnist

The tangible tales of Wildwood Two things make me sad about books these days.

One of them – the lack of new Harry Potter books in my life – is such old news by now I should really stop being so melodramatic about it (if you’ve been reading this column religiously, you’ll know we covered the fact that those books are so beyond done, and J.K. Rowling has already released her first non-Potter book). The other is the emergence of e-books and e-reader devices, a matter that is all kinds of complicated, so we’ll save it for later.

Despite the gloom however, there is hope!

Very recently a book caught my attention and somehow managed to ease the pain of those two sore points, while also proving to me that things might not be so bleak in the book world after all.

Wildwood, by Colin Meloy, is the first in the Wildwood Chronicles series (its sequel, Under Wildwood, was released just last month). What we have here is a fun, cool and meticulously crafted introduction into a highly imaginative world where adventure and bravery reign supreme. Yes, this is technically a children’s book, but it would be an incredible shame if younger audiences were the only ones to read it.

Just as Rowling did with that quiet, out-of-nowhere first book in 1997, Meloy has arrived with the kind of tale to inspire creativity and make reading a fun and complete experience. If a book can do this, why should we care whom it’s intended for or what reading level it’s at?

Drawing from classics in the young readers genre, Meloy fuses the forward-thinking cleverness of the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew

books, the wilderness survival instincts of Call of the Wild, the limitless scope of Where the Wild Things Are, and the fantastical quality of Narnia.

The end result is a rescue story that takes place in a re-imagined world based on Meloy’s home of Portland. Wildwood stars a fearless heroine whose baby brother is kidnapped by an exiled dowager governess. Enlisting the help of a male classmate on her journey, the protagonist will go on to encounter communities of birds, battle a dangerous coyote army and partake in a Frodoesque quest to help the citizens of this magical world defeat the evil governess.

It should be noted that until this first novel, Meloy has been known primarily as the lead singer and songwriter of folk-rock band The Decemberists. Always regarded for the extremely literate nature of his songs’ lyrics, it is no stretch to see why Meloy was the perfect candidate to write such rich stories of fiction. Some of The Decemberists’ most memorable songs have seen Meloy weave tales of the high seas and of historical periods when bayonets were the weapon of choice, usually accompanied by quirky characters and impossibly catchy melodies. And this is where Wildwood becomes such a great example of how books have the ability to be something more than just a story on paper, sandwiched between two covers. Being an artist with the skill to produce brilliant pieces of art in different mediums, Meloy has the enviable ability to create multi-headed creative monsters. In the case of Wildwood, we not only have the classic adventure rescue story, but the book itself is also a piece of art.

Meloy’s partner, Carson Ellis, is a talented artist who has illustrated several other children’s books, as well as album covers and tour posters for The Decemberists. Her 85 drawings for Wildwood include black and whites, and six colour plates spread periodically throughout the book – like little treats to look forward to along the journey.

They add that extra element of excitement to the reading experience, as you are constantly reminded that every minute detail of this book is there for a reason. This truly is an art piece as a whole, right down to the thicker, heavier paper and old school tattered page edging.

The one shocking omission is an accompanying album of either brand new Meloy music or a compilation of songs for the book’s soundtrack.

Oh wait, writer and illustrator have together created a Wildwood Chronicles website for added bonuses, where you can download their carefully selected Wildwood playlist (Zeppelin, Esben and the Witch, and Fairport Convention, among others? Wes Anderson just winked at them in approval). So there, they really did think of everything.

Which brings us to the whole notion of e-books and e-readers. Technology is definitely moving forward and we can’t stop it. Being a part of it is probably the wise choice, but just because e-books will be the future doesn’t mean physical books need to disappear. A book like Wildwood creates hope for those of us who still enjoy that intrinsic value of opening and closing a book in our hands. It is fresh because it is a throwback: A classic adventure story, told with the aid of drawings that

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

Brian Pascual learned to read before he learned to tie his shoes. An avid cultural enthusiast, he finds the themes of books and films as correlation to the day-to-day fables that consume us all. A storyteller at heart, Brian is presently working on his first novel.

× Columnist

46 issue N o . 09

Alan O’Doherty has so many social media accounts that his digital fingerprint is visible from Myspace.

Alan is fascinated by the neuroses and intricacies of today’s online societies. His other love is beer.

Go figure.

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provide too much insight into whether your contact information continues lurking on a server somewhere in the Facebook labyrinth.

Keeping tabs on Zuckerberg and his minions is always going to be a work in progress.

Beginning this past February, Facebook brought in a slew of changes, which campaigners claimed failed to comply with European law. When the group managed to gather over 7,000 comments on Facebook's pages, as per their own regulations, Facebook was forced to hold a vote on the proposed changes that would have been binding if 30 per cent of all Facebook users had taken part. However, Facebook didn’t promote the vote and less than 1 per cent of users ended up participating, with about 87 per cent voting against Facebook's new policy. It seems like the best solution is to take advantage of the network itself – spreading the word on votes like these and getting users to join in is the best way to force Facebook’s hand. But if it’s tough to get people to turn out to vote for the leaders of their country, what are the odds of getting them to practice non-violent resistance to get their social network to behave?

Ultimately it seems to come down to apathy.

We love to be outraged, but we don’t much fancy doing anything about it.

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reasonable suspicion before they go ahead and have a gander.

Generally it’s possible to control what the average Netizen can find on your profile if you haven’t “friended” them, but the technicallyminded stalker might be able to glean a little more information than you’d expect. In 2005, Massachusetts Institute of Technology students managed to download Facebook profiles of over 70,000 people as part of a research project.

Team Facebook responded with a raft of new countermeasures, and large-scale security breaches seem to have been kept to a minimum since, but if the Matrix taught me anything it’s to be damned scared of computer hackers (especially the ones who wear leather trench-coats and sunglasses indoors).

If you’ve decided that Facebook is more hassle than it’s worth and you’re going to flee the site in favour of a simple, natural existence where you only communicate via phone calls, text messages and emails, then you may have a battle on your hands. Traditionally Facebook accounts could be deactivated but not deleted, meaning all of your photos, posts and comments would remain visible on the site even after you’ve gone.

This also meant that phone numbers and other handy contact information stays on the Facebook servers long after you’d abandoned the civilization of the cite, in favour of the exotic wilds of Bebo.

Fortunately, the New York Times decided to kick up a fuss and since 2010 Facebook seems to have changed things. Their privacy policy now states, “When you delete an account, it is permanently deleted from Facebook,” although this doesn’t

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possible for profiles to be found by a simple Google search with your public profile being available to non-friends and even non-Facebook members. Setting up your privacy settings allows you to block pretty much everything on these public profiles, aside from your name and profile picture.

I’m generally okay with people who know my name knowing what a small picture of me looks like, and until my espionage career gets underway it’s likely to stay that way.

The power for others to lay their hands on our online scribblings is a double-edged sword.

On the one hand it’s cost people their shot at a potential job as MSNBC reported way back in 2007, when 35 per cent of employers were checking out Facebook accounts of prospective employees. As more old folks who own companies get their heads around exactly what an Internet is and how you use one, this figure is likely to keep increasing.

But can Internet snooping be used for good?

While the Facebook overlords have been a little bit tricky with the law when it comes to selling user information, they are also happy to pass information along to the cops when it comes to investigating crime. Most of us wouldn’t mind suspected terrorists, child killers and other unsavoury types having their social networks snooped.

What is a little troubling is that in the U.S., Facebook says the authorities only need a warrant if they want to take a peek at unopened inbox and outbox messages that are less than 181 days old. This means everything else is fair game and the long arm of the law doesn’t even need to have

look as though they’ve jumped off the pages of a Roald Dahl book. Reading it on an e-reader or tablet just wouldn’t be the same as flipping through those thick pages and running your fingers over the drawings.

Harry Potter may already be growing old and having children with Ginny Weasley, but the writing world moves on. Is Meloy’s new landscape of Wildwood as brilliantly crafted as Rowling’s Hogwarts? Not even close. But it doesn’t have to be. It made this writer want to pick it up and read it as a book, and not skim through it on a touch screen. No one will have time to be sad with books like this one lying around the house.

To explore the world of Wildwood online head to Wildwoodchronicles.com

Alan O’Doherty

HOW PRIVATE ARE YOUR PRIVATES? For most of us, Facebook is a platform to host photos of our latest drunken antics or conduct a highly public break-up. Letting our friends, families and co-workers know about these humiliating episodes is one thing, but how much of the information we post gets into the hands of strangers?

Facebook has been coming under fire for years for not keeping profiles as private as we’d expect, but what’s the reality? Is Zuckerberg the online equivalent of a peeping tom, looking through our windows and going through our garbage, or are we all just a little dumb for posting stuff online that we’d be better off keeping to ourselves?

2007 was a tricky year for the Facebook folks. Their Beacon system was introduced, allowing websites unconnected with Facebook to gather information about users to allow targeted advertising. In theory it shouldn’t have been an issue, as Zuckerberg’s minions claimed that it would be possible for users to opt out of this feature. Of course, things are never so simple, and in December of 2007 the New York Times alleged that even when users didn’t give permission, and possibly even if they weren’t logged into Facebook, their data could still be accessed.

It doesn’t seem as though details of what Beacon did or didn’t give advertisers access to was ever cleared up completely, but since 2009 Facebook has ditched the system, following a lawsuit against the company. The Facebook elves might still know what you’ve been up to online, but they’ve at least had to find a new way of doing it.

Since Sept. 2007, Facebook has made it

×× Scarlett aubrey

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Celina kurz × a r t s @ c a p i l a n o c o u r i e r . c o m

HOPSCOTCH TO THE SCOTCH HOP Festival exposes the art in alcohol Connor Thorpe × Staff Writer While most alcoholic beverages have a fan base, few share the rabid enthusiasm of scotch, whisky and craft beer devotees. In recent years, this enthusiasm has bled over into the general public, spurring an increased interest in artisanal booze. According to Adam Bloch, the executive director of Vancouver’s upcoming Hopscotch Festival, more people are beginning to recognize the craftsmanship that goes into creating a fine whisky or beer.

“The truth is, whisky and beer are not just whisky and beer,” Bloch says. “People are realizing that there are so many variations on each and so many variations within the variations. These are […] works of art, and like art, there is always strong enthusiasm and passion for [it].”

The Hopscotch Festival, an exhibition of the scotch and whisky industry, debuted in 1996 in “a small hotel ballroom,” but has shifted venues to the larger PNE Forum for this year’s festival, allowing for an increased variety of vendors and products. In addition to whisky and craft beers, Hopscotch has expanded to include other spirits and liqueurs. The festival’s premiere event, The Grand Tasting Hall, will feature over 350 products from more than 100 exhibitors.

“It [is] an environment of [a] light, relaxed run where people sip, taste, schmooze and learn about all the available beverage products on the market,”

organized fantastic transportation.”

Bloch explains. “It really is so much fun.”

In a blog post for Esquire, whisky writer Dave Additionally, the festival will explore the possibilities created through whisky and meal Broom notes that, “If you don’t like the taste of the pairings in its “satellite events” – some on- whisky, it doesn’t mean you don’t like whisky –- it site, some off-site at restaurants such as Go- just means you haven’t found the right flavour for tham’s Steakhouse – and will provide interactive you.” Luckily, for the uninitiated and the seasoned and informative seminars for attendees in the whisky drinker alike, there are a staggering amount of options to choose from. “master classes.”

Scotch – “Guest speakers acknowledged will lead attendees

by Bloch as the most through a detailed popular beverage class of the topic at at Hopscotch – is hand,” Bloch says of only one of a litany the master classes. of whisky variet“Attendees are able ies. Scotch, bourto taste a few types bon and Canadian of whisky and beer, rye, as well as Irish, learn about their difTe n n e s s e e a n d ferences and what English whiskies all makes them special, fit into the larger and usually [it] inwhisky category, and cludes some special are primarily named stories of where they to distinguish are made.” production This year, atprocesses and where tendees of the Hop×× Dave Mcansh they are made. These scotch Festival don’t have to worry about getting home from the event. variations can be divided further into their malts: Shuttles have been organized from the venue single malts, which are often associated with Scotch that will go to major transportation hubs like the whisky, employ only one grain and are crafted in Downtown core, Phibbs Exchange and Renfrew one distillery. Double malts use two grains from Station. “That’s new. Every single person has to multiple distilleries, and blended malts cover any get home safe,” Bloch says. “And thus we have whisky that has been made using three grains or

more. Hopscotch offers a “Whisky 101” course in which attendees can learn more about the different types of whisky and how they are distilled.

Bloch stresses that there is no right or wrong way to taste whisky – though there are countless ways to go about it. “Neat” whisky is served straight, while “on the rocks” refers to whisky served with ice – and both of these methods are occasionally adjusted with the addition of water. Whisky is commonly mixed with cola, soda water and ginger ale, but also is a staple in classic cocktails like the Old Fashioned and Mint Julep.

“There are so many methods and arguments as to how to do this properly. Should I add water?

Ice? Hold it in my hand to make it warm?” Bloch says. “If you like ice, use ice. If you like water, use water. There are no rules and no laws and thus I personally feel that people should enjoy tasting it and drinking it, exactly how they want.”

Despite his insistence on individual preference regarding whisky-tasting methods, Bloch concedes that it is a frequently argued topic.

“I drink my whisky neat or with a drop of water, while my dad drinks his with a couple cubes of ice,” he explains. “Do I make fun of him for drinking it with ice? Yes, but we both enjoy our whisky just as much as the other. My philosophy is, find your way to enjoy it. Use your five senses and see what happens.”

The Hopscotch Festival runs from Nov. 12-18. For more information, visit Hopscotchfestival.com/vancouver.

pizza plus jazz makes pizazz jam with Capilano roots finds home at local pizzeria Celina Kurz

the capilano courier

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When Capilano jazz alumnus David Blake came home to Vancouver from a semester at the University of Toronto, he was left contemplating two cities’ polarizing jazz scenes. “Even from the short time I was there [I could tell] there were so many more students who were really interested in playing jazz,” he explains. “All these young people … that were serious and also just really wanted to play, and they’d all really want to find places to play and have jam sessions.”

“When I came back here, I thought, that doesn’t happen at all here. It’s so hard to make anybody want to play,” he says. And so, with the intent in mind to facilitate a similar atmosphere in his home city of Vancouver, this February he started what has become a weekly jazz jam session in the basement of Goldie’s Pizza. On Monday nights, Blake and the house band he’s organized, (including saxophonist Brent Mah, bassist Wynston Minckler and drummer Andrew Millar), offer a set of music before opening the stage to anyone who wants to play.

The jam is open to anybody with an interest in jazz. “Anybody can come listen,” says Blake. “Even if you bring your instrument, you don’t have to play – but if you want to play, we’ll definitely get you up.”

The jazz jam scene in Vancouver has, for unknown reasons, had a hard time finding a consistent home. “In Toronto there’s a bunch of different jam sessions, same with Montreal, and in Vancouver ... we’ve never really had that part of our community in a really permanent way,” explains Blake. He notes various jam sessions at venues such as the Biltmore Cabaret or the Heritage Grill in New Westminster that have started and, after some initial success, ultimately failed.

While the Goldie’s jam has had its ups and downs when it comes to attendance, especially during the school year, Blake has managed to stay positive and keep it alive. He jokes that, “the last little bit’s been fairly dead – but you shouldn’t say that, you should say it’s always packed with young, intelligent, smart people.” During Goldie’s busiest point in the summer, “it was really full and it would be busy every week. We’d have to make lists and invite people to play and organize it a bit.” Blake keeps things interesting by inviting established local musicians to sit in on the session on occasion: past guests include Steve Kaldestadt, Chris Davis and Chad Makela.

Jam sessions are a strong tradition within jazz music. “It’s always existed. You hear stories about the jam session where bebop was invented ... and obviously no one’s inventing new music at the Goldie’s jam, but that’s how it’s always been,” explains Blake. “It’s not like you need to come to the jam and make beautiful music, you just play

your shit, get it out of your system.” One regular attendee, Leo Bae, says, “Playing with people I don't know is definitely [a] hook which brings me back here.”

Christopher Fraser, a fourth-year jazz student at Capilano, is another regular at the jam session. He attributes the jam as being a space where young musicians can connect with the scene in a way that may otherwise be unavailable. “There seems to be a kind of barrier between the Capilano University jazz community and that of the rest of Vancouver. Getting to know the rest of the scene is the next step for a lot of us, so this is a great place to be,” he says.

In fact, one of the purposes that Blake had in mind for the jam was to create a space where musicians could network and get to know one another, a particularly unique opportunity for students. He explains, “There’s kind of the fun novelty of being at music school, and that’s great, but there’s also everything else in the city and the country and the world that’s going on.”

For those who really want to explore music as a career option, or simply want to dig into improvisation, this is key. “I think the people who are really prepared to realize that, and who really want to engage with that as well as with school, are the people who are really serious about it,” says Blake.

However, the serious jazz player is just one demographic that Blake is seeking out. The jam is always open to those who simply enjoy playing for leisure. “You don’t have to be [serious] to come to

the jam, you can be a hobbyist or a student or an amateur or whatever,” he explains. “We try to be encouraging to new players.”

Blake admits that it can be intimidating to musically expose yourself in a jam situation: “You’re kind of putting yourself on the spot, that’s what it’s all about.” However, if you’re ready to test out your musical ideas, meet other musicians, or simply play your favourite standards, there’s no better place. And as one attendee, Sarah Kennedy, says, “What else are you going to do on a Monday night?”

Goldie’s Jazz Jam runs every Monday night (except holidays) from 9 p.m. to midnight. Goldie’s Pizza is located at 605 W. Pender St. Singers must provide their own microphones.

×× Jaclyn guillau

THE ZINE SCENE Canzine West exhibits do-it-yourself publications Connor Thorpe × Staff Writer

×× Tiaré Jung Zines have been around in some form since shortly after the advent of the printing press, yet have retained their popularity even through centuries of technological development. By virtue of being the product of a do-it-yourself ethos, zines afford an unfiltered look into different segments of public consciousness. Hal Niedzviecki, founder of Broken Pencil – a magazine that examines, reviews and celebrates zine culture – stresses their importance in our society.

“I think there’s a real need for tangible works,

works that have a very visceral quality to them,” says Niedzviecki. “Holding a gorgeous little publication in your hand while standing right next to the creator is a whole different feeling than reading some anonymous blog.”

This recognition of the diversity, eccentricity and importance of zines led to Niedzviecki starting Broken Pencil. “Basically, myself and a friend of mine were talking at a bar about underground literary scenes and so on, and hit upon the idea of a magazine that could really pull some of this material out of obscurity and celebrate how great – and how awful – some of this stuff was,” says Niedzviecki, of the magazine’s 1995 origin. “Obviously, the first bunch of issues were pretty rough, but the main evolution has been thematic.”

That evolution has continued with Broken Pencil’s zine festival, Canzine West – in which over 70 different exhibitors will set up tables at W2 on Nov. 17. Along with the exhibition of zines, the festival will feature the 1-2 Punch Book Pitch, in which participants have two minutes to pitch their book idea to a judging panel comprised of authors and publishers, who will then provide a minute of feedback. Talks will be given throughout the day, including Vancouver writer and comedian Charles Demers, and Dr. Ray Hsu speaking about political dissent in art. “Our guiding philosophy is to expose as many people as possible to the possibilities of independent creativity,” Niedzviecki says. “We want to demys-

tify cultural activity and encourage people to be active – as opposed to passive – participants in their culture.”

The term “zine” usually refers to a do-ityourself publication, the content of which is composed of a “mix of personal observations, rants, random thoughts, comics and more.” During the punk movement of the late 1970s, zines became increasingly popular amongst bands and fans alike.

While the technological developments of recent years might logically threaten zines – which are traditionally hand-drawn and photocopied – Niedzviecki says that this isn’t the case.

“When high-speed Internet became the norm, people predicted that zines would go the way of the rotary phone,” he explains. “But a funny thing happened – after a bit of a dip, zines got popular again.”

Niedzviecki says that Broken Pencil and Canzine have branched out from traditional zines into all aspects of zine culture.

“Broken Pencil now covers a wider range of activities that we think of as ‘zine culture.’ Whether it’s the Bill Murray colouring book, an indie horror movie shot on an iPhone, or your classic zine – all these works have something in common and more than ever we want to showcase those commonalities and explore what they mean.”

Niedzviecki acknowledges that, “Zines are becoming a bit craftier; more handmade and limited editions than mass-produced on the photocopi-

er.” This suggests that the increased accessibility to basic information sharing that is afforded by the Internet has led to zines becoming a more fully-fledged artistic endeavour.

“It’s important to understand that there are many different ways to publish, many ways to communicate,” Niedzviecki continues. “Everyone can and should have a voice, and when there is a vibrant zine culture in a community, that idea is being spread and fostered and cultivated.”

Niedzviecki has seen some success in increasing the diversity of participants in zine culture. He cites the liberation in seeing one’s own words in print as a major draw.

“I once met a woman in her 70s at a zine fair. She’d never heard of zines before,” says Niedzviecki. “She told me she thought that the only way she could ever see her words in print was to write letters to the local newspaper. She went away and made her own zine.”

For those who are interested in creating their own zines, Niedzviecki’s advice is simple: “Don’t listen to any advice. Get publishing!”

To learn more about Broken Pencil and Canzine West, visit Brokenpencil.com. Canzine West runs from 1-7 p.m. on Nov. 17. $5 admission includes the fall edition of Broken Pencil.

Crawlin' for Culture Eastside artists open their studios for public perusal Christina Lamanes × Writer

in the arts.

Not all is smooth sailing for the event, however. “With increased pressure on real estate we have seen people are having smaller and smaller studio spaces,” Boone states. It is the ever-present issue of real estate that adds to the rarity of the Vancouver art scene. Gentrification has been a present force in East Vancouver through condo and townhouse development, which has in turn driven up prices for artists’ space. If young professionals can’t afford to buy in Vancouver, the future for artists looks grim. East Van artists and residents have been getting hit particularly hard

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The East Vancouver Culture Crawl runs Nov. 16-18.

For more information on the Culture Crawl, visit Eastsideculturecrawl.com/

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over the last few years due to the “sprucing up” of this area, which has slowly contaminated the affordable market.

The purpose of the event is not only to create a sense of community with the public, but also to help bridge gaps that can be created within the art world itself.

“The big thing about Vancouver is the enormous divide between the established art world, which is very sort of academic, and greater populous art, which has this broader range of practices,” explains Boone. This is a problem that may take time to remedy, but the main goal of this event is to encourage the accessibility of art and its ability to cross over into different communities.

Any artist can apply to be a part of the Culture Crawl, but they must comply with some requirements, including having original work and showcasing nothing that has been mass-produced. The most important prerequisite however is that the artist’s studio must be located in the aforementioned area where the Crawl is taking place. As Boone says, “Unique of Vancouver is the concentration of artists’ studios: 414 people in this small space! [It’s] being densely concentrated which [is what] makes this event so successful.”

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When mid-November hits and everyone starts stressing about impending exams, why not head to East Van and enjoy some art? The East Vancouver Culture Crawl is a free, three-day event that showcases local artists who open up their studios to the public in order to build a community among artists and art-appreciators alike.

As their official website states, the crawl hopes to “provide opportunities for member artists to engage with the public through the creation of events, programming and partnerships that foster awareness, encourage visibility and promote artists and their work.”

For many artists, this could be a huge increase in exposure and profit. Executive Director Jeffrey Boone says that the Culture Crawl “gives artists direct access to the public, and vice versa.

Artists sell a lot of work here, there are a lot of cash transactions, and the artists get a lot of feedback.”

In an interview with the Vancouver Sun, Nick Vorstermans, a furniture maker, said that approximately 30 per cent of his income in the last year was from customers who found him at the Culture Crawl.

Its history dates back to 1994, starting with just four artists in an open studio/fundraiser. Its official start in 1997 got the Culture Crawl its name and showed 45 artists in three different studios. According to their website, about 1000 people in total attended that year and it has been expanding rapidly ever since. Last year, there were 364 artists spanning over 75 buildings – and, excitingly, the Crawl also got its own space at 1000 Park St. This year, according to the Strathcona Business Improvement Association (BIA), which works

with the city to put on events, over 10,000 people are set to visit.

There has always been a charitable aspect to the Crawl. In 2002 for example, the Culture Crawl sponsored Mentally Challenged Artists from the Victory House to put on a show, which ended up selling out. This year, the Crawl is sponsoring a one-day program called Studio 101, which gives school children a budget with which they can purchase a piece from an artist they visited. The idea of bringing artwork into schools is to facilitate knowledge of career artists, as a chance for students to become aware of options

11 ×× Kira Campbell

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The Wiz-ard of Awesome weed rap unrolls at rogers arena Celina Kurz × Arts Editor Do you know who Wiz Khalifa is? Wiz Khalifa is the cutest rapper in the game right now, probably. He’s kind of scrawny and his whole body is covered in tattoos. He even has some tattoos on his face! And he has the most charming smile I’ve ever seen, and this funny little tuft of bleached hair right above his forehead.

He played at Rogers Arena on Nov. 6 to a packed house, mainly consisting of girls who looked like movie stars and the happiest dudes in the world. I saw some people grinding and making out and stuff, and everyone was smoking mad weed pretty much. I “rolled up” (marijuana joke) to the venue fairly late, so I unfortunately missed the openers, but I did arrive just in time to catch Wiz Khalifa’s iconic set.

I kept thinking every single song was going to be “Black and Yellow”, which is his “big hit” (marijuana joke), but I was only correct one time.

Everyone really loved him though – it was so nice.

He would say things like, “Put your twos up!” and everyone would show him peace signs. How cool is that? Also, a lot of his songs are about weed and everyone loved that. There was one song that seemed like an “anthem” to his teen party disciples that went, “So what we get drunk! So what we smoke weed! [Something something], young and wild and free.” He had two funny mascots on stage – one was a joint with an ambivalent face and the other was a lighter that was just like, “meh.”

For me, the best thing about Wiz is how much of himself he gives to the performance. He was all over the stage, running and jumping and dancing

Celina kurz × a r t s @ c a p i l a n o c o u r i e r . c o m

Silently Spooky Pantha du Prince marinates in dark tones

and taking off his shirt to show off his abs, and he just kept the energy so high the whole time!

He talked a bit about how he and his band “never took a night off” from partying, which the crowd loved, but it made me a bit worried.

Is he staying healthy? I hope he’s eating well.

He really seems like a special person and I don’t want him to get sick. One of his songs goes, “Work hard, play hard” but I think it’s always important to remember to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

I would give Wiz Khalifa a 10/10 gold star rating, but then I’d be like, “Really great work Wiz, but remember that you’re allowed to say no to shots if you get offered them! You don’t have to get messed up all the time. Listen to your body. Don’t push yourself too hard. You’re doing really well.” ×× Celina Kurz The Dude Next To Me At Wiz Khalifa

by Celina Kurz, Arts Editor When I showed up to the show, I was welcomed to my seat by a husky guy. “Where’ve you been?” he said, as if he already knew me. It made me feel very at home. He then informed me that he was from Seattle, “On a working holiday” – his job was “selling tickets.” He was going to see Wiz again the next day – a true fan. He danced the whole time, and offered me some weed, which I politely declined. He then asked me if I liked to dance; I told him I used to do Ukrainian dancing, which he thought was “cool.” Overall, he was a very friendly guy.

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By JJ Brewis, Editor-in-Chief Early Saturday evening. The Vancouver streets filled with an autumn rain drizzle and the early onset of dark skies in the looming of winter. Despite the fact that daylight savings time wouldn’t officially begin for a few hours, the moody night skies had already left an imprint on the atmosphere for an early pre-club night performance. It was the perfect night for Germany’s Pantha du Prince to be playing.

The Germany wunderkind, known to his family as Hendrik Weber, shone brightly on the Venue stage all by himself, manning a medley of electronic gadgets, cautiously working his way through them, sometimes speeding himself up to make his way from one end of the long table to the next. Known well in European music circles, Weber has made a name for himself with an impressive background as a composer, bringing forth that school of music to house and electronica, successfully fusing those genres with shoegaze.

It is extremely difficult for me to connect with an electronic artist on stage, but Weber managed to hook me in along with the rest of the crowd.

Through twists and turns of various buttons and dials, the set was easily read as a narrative, beginning with a slow acceleration of soft beats, working its way up to a mid-set dance frenzy, and declining with a cool atmospheric comedown.

But the entire set was filled with dark sombre tones that hypnotized the crowd in a trance – none of the usual loud chatter or white noise that accompanies a live performance. Just a half-filled room of interested music fans both impressed by Weber’s ability to carefully construct a musical dialogue with his crowd, and also likely trying to figure out exactly how he does it.

It’s an experiment in measure, though: What comes across as minimalism obviously has a lot of calculated structure behind it, similar to the accompanying video footage of abstract black and white line work that paired well with the set. It’s rare, as I mentioned, for me to really pick up on what an electronic musician is putting down. And maybe I missed the point entirely, but I do know that I left inspired enough to go home and work on a creative output on my own – and that’s ultimately what I think the art realm is all about.

× Staff Editorial ×

THE MASOCHIST'S GUIDE TO NOVEL WRITING Connor Thorpe

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× Staff Writer

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I’ve always wanted to write a novel. Now that I’ve started one, the first conclusion that I’ve drawn is that it’s really fucking hard. Then again, when I first dreamed of writing one, I didn’t think it’d happen over the course of 30 days.

I could see the appeal in National Novel Writing Month from the first time that I heard of it. After a writing binge that stretches through November, I’d come out on the other side with a unified, 50,000-word work of fiction – presumably ready for immediate publication and critical adoration. This, ultimately, was not the case for my initial attempts. The first two years I tried, I made it a few days before quitting because what I’d put on the page “wasn’t worth continuing” or that “I wasn’t ready to write a novel.” These are explanations for my failure that I’ve recently determined to be bullshit.

The fact is that there’s no room for perfection in an exercise that condenses an activity that often takes years to complete into the span of a month.

The product of this kind of writing process won’t even necessarily be good. It’s likely that by the end of November, the draft you’ve created will be awful. It’s jarring to silence your inner-critic, your inner-editor and your inner-procrastinator – but there’s a benefit to that. It allows the author to approach the writing process in an entirely new way.

NaNoWriMo encourages a style of writing that is a distant relative of constrained writing – in which authors enforce a set of strict rules upon themselves that spur forced creativity. For example, Ernest Vincent Wright’s novel Gadsby is written entirely without the letter ‘e’. Alternately, French novelist George Perec’s work Les revenentes, ‘e’ is the only vowel used throughout.

Obviously there are differences between the works listed above – commonly referred to as lipograms – and a work produced in an environment in which time is the only restriction. Still, the principle remains the same. By practicing constrained writing, the writer is forced to proceed through obstacles, and adapt. In the case of National Novel Writing Month, the obstacle is a writer’s innate unwillingness to silence the inner-critic during the writing process and to adapt to the narrative fluctuations that are created in a rapidly developing work.

The appeal of NaNoWriMo is the way it looks at creativity. It doesn’t have to lead to anything, and that’s fine. It’s refreshing to write without inhibitions, to take risks and experiment. It’s a method that writers rarely employ on such a significant scale in their literary endeavors, and that’s precisely what makes the exercise so valuable.

When crafting a narrative at such a pace, often even the author doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. It’s that uncertainty that breeds excitement in NaNoWriMo authors. It’s what keeps us writing – and with any luck, participants can hope that the story they really want to tell will come out.

That said, the process as a whole isn’t always fun, or even necessarily enjoyable. Crafting something as complex as a novel in such a short period of time can easily become all-consuming, and the struggle to maintain a healthy balance between writing and relationships is omnipresent during the month. The most difficult part of writing a novel, especially under such a strict and unreasonable deadline, has been finding a part of every day in which I won’t be distracted by anything else.

Not having time to write, or a quiet place to write, even for one day can be detrimental to an already tight NaNoWriMo schedule – playing catch-up often only digs a deeper hole for those who plan on editing their novels in December.

I found that I wasn’t the only one who doubted the project. Friends and family alternately considered it to be a waste of time or an insane exercise in masochism. Both of these are probably, to some extent, true. It’s hard to maintain the conviction necessary to get the daily quota of words onto the page, and the process can often be torturous.

NaNoWriMo excels in breeding self-doubt and frustration in the early days, until an author reaches their “breakthrough” moment and the words begin to flow freely. It’s the sort of thing that’s depicted in television and movies – that spontaneous spark of inspiration that pushes a writer out of the depths of writer’s block. Up until this year, I didn’t think that moment existed.

I was wrong. As early as the 3000-word mark, I could feel a story start to come together and it became difficult to tear myself away from this

creative endeavor.

Will I finish? Honestly, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, though – sometimes forgetting the outcome and throwing yourself headfirst into something is really enough.

×× Katie So

FEATURES

Features Editor ×

NATALIE CORBO

× s p e c i a l f e at u r e s . c a p c o u r i e r @ g m a i l . c o m

trash, drugs and potential for disaster cleaning up the mess of music festivals Lindsay Flynn × Writer You are lying on your back in the grass, as a breeze blows the warm summer air across your face. A girl with a sparkling hula hoop dances past you.

You look up into the air and light shimmers off a string of bubbles that float by in the wind. Then you hear it. The first note, of the first song, by your favourite artist.

Festivals can be the highlight of the summer for hundreds of thousands of music fans across North America. But the unique situation of cramming thousands of people onto a large patch of dirt for the weekend can understandably lead to disaster as well. The one-time experiment of the Pemberton Music Festival in 2009 caused nightmarish traffic jams, and saw people sleep in their cars on the local airport tarmac. More tragically, this past year the electronic music festival Shambhala, held in Salmo, B.C., had its first drug-related death in its 15-year history.

Here in the Pacific Northwest, there are dozens of music festivals to choose from, including Shambhala and the indie and alternative Sasquatch Festival at the Gorge in Washington. Further to the south lies Nevada's eclectic Burning Man Festival. The guest capacities for these festivals are 10,000, 25,000, and 60,000 respectively. Gatherings of this size require a large framework of employees and volunteers have to be in place to keep things in order – especially as the popularity of the festivals grow and the potential for hazards theoretically increases.

While a host of smaller festivals continue to pop up, and the largest events continue to grow in popularity, it is a structural and organizational feat to plan for a safe, yet exhilarating weekend, or week, of music. Festival organizers are aware of the potential risks of sex, drugs and alcohol consumption, as well as the potential for festival-goers to inflict enviromental damage upon the festival grounds themselves.

It is standard for most music festivals to have a strong support system in place for sexual and physical health problems, but things become more complicated with the reality of widespread drug and alcohol consumption. The majority of festivals in B.C. and beyond promote a no drugs policy. This is to ensure the safety of participants and to comply with the legalities of their permits, although this is not fool proof in practice. Festivals come to rely on local communities, volunteers, law enforcement, and the festival attendees themselves to come together and create the infrastructure that must be in place for gatherings to fly instead of flop.

IF YOU BUILD A FESTIVAL, DRUGS WILL COME

THE MESS THAT’S LEFT BEHIND What happens while the festival is on for a few days is one issue, but being able to host such large events in the same place year after year requires care for the surroundings. There is rhetoric on the issue of trash and recycling growing amongst festivals. Burning Man, having taken up the role as one of the most influential festivals in this part of the world, has hugely impacted people's attitudes towards garbage. “Leave no trace” is one of its 10 official principals, the idea being that everything you pack in with you to the festival you pack out, and nothing hits the ground.

Any MOOP (Matter-Out-Of-Place) in an attendee’s path becomes their responsibility, and attendees are known to carry around a MOOP

bag in their daypack to store the items, until reaching their camp trash. The practice ensures immediate responsibility for the shared space, and Burning Man enforces it successfully. Postfestival, a MOOP-Map is published online indicating which camp areas passed in their ability to leave an area in the green (good), yellow (not so good), or red (really, really bad).

While “leave no trace” is picking up steam at other festivals as communities blend, an evolving approach to waste control is a hot topic amongst organizers. Many of the surrounding towns are left with garbage post-Burning Man, as well as local resources absorbing the costs of garbage collected directly from the site at other festivals.

The reality of assessing leftover waste is ongoing for Bass Coast organizers. After this past year's event, analysis was done on the waste to determine at what point the dumpsters were filled, at which time excess trash was then thrown into the recycling units. The easier you can make it for people, the more successful you will be in enforcing green practices, says Thomson, adding that, “Zero waste is unrealistic.” What can happen however is an on-going education of what is appropriate to bring to festivals, and how to be a more conscious consumer. While the end result at Bass Coast has always been that the site ends up cleaner than when people arrived, difficult items, such as couches, are sometimes left behind. “I don't know who they think is going to clean it up,” Thomson muses. “If people didn't bring as much stuff it would be awesome.”

At the beginning of the new millennium, it's hard for attendees with positive experiences to see why music festivals could ever come to an end, or merely get a bad rep with those who aren't curious to explore them. But the reality is, that whatever your genre, whatever your scene, the attitude of sustainability and care has to come from inside; it must be a “peer-driven initiative,” Bass Coast's Thomson reminds. At the end of the party, it's the framework in place that gives us the opportunity to dance in the sunshine.

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Despite the no drugs policy of most festivals, enforcing these rules via security at the gate is time consuming. Line-ups at Bass Coast and Shambhala often take several hours, and Burning Man routinely has overnight waits, despite opening their gates six hours earlier this past year.

In previous years, residents of Salmo, B.C. have expressed concern that RCMP officers did not take what was perceived as an acceptance of a festival drug culture seriously at Shambhala.

But in conversation with the Nelson Post, Marvin Walker, who handles public relations for Shambhala, feels that the RCMP have been effective in their efforts to catch those with drugs.

Staff Sgt. Dan Seibel, head of the RCMP’s Kootenay Boundary Regional Detachment, acknowledged that festival security cooperation, in combination with police road checks, worked to aid police in 101 drug seizures in 2010 – including cocaine, hashish, psilocybin, ecstasy, LSD, marijuana, heroin, methamphetamine, GHB, ketamine and various prescription pills. “These drugs were packaged up in such a way they could be quickly and easily be sold and distributed,” Seibel told the Post.

Yet, even with a strict anti-drug policy in place, Walker has acknowledged, “We’re realists. We know what kind of party we have.” The presence of ANKORS (AIDS Network Kootenay Outreach and Support Society) and their drug-testing tent is evidence of this. The tent is offered by the harm reduction organization in the acknowledge-

ment that some people will be experimenting with drugs, and potential hazards are avoided by checking the content of these controlled substances.

But as Liz Thomson, co-founder of Bass Coast acknowledged, putting preventative measures in place to protect festival-goers can sometimes be tricky. Bass Coast occurs on the Squamish Valley Campground in August, next to an alluring, but deep and fast, river. For organizers to employ a lifeguard on the site is to condone swimming, opening the door for responsibility in the face of an accident. In the end, regular medical teams are in place, but no lifeguard is employed. Thomson admits, “The drugs really red flag the festivals for people,” but hopes to implement a similar harm reduction effort at Bass Coast, with the desire to move the focus away from dangers, and onto community building.

“Bass Coast isn't a party,” Thomson continues.

“It's a culture.” The willingness of participants to volunteer, collaborate, and spread the values of respect for the environment and community are not lost on organizers. “[We are] kind of like a social experiment ... how would the world be if there was a different set of socialized norms for people?” Thomson and her team have watched an evolution of awareness at their festival, which is reflected in every aspect of how people engage with the event. “The first year when we shut down the stages at 4 p.m., everyone booed. Now everyone claps and [helps] clean up.”

× volume

46 issue N o . 09

13 ×× Stefan Tosheff

FEATURES

Features Editor ×

NATALIE CORBO

× s p e c i a l f e at u r e s . c a p c o u r i e r @ g m a i l . c o m

Paint It Black The changing culture of coffee in Vancouver

goes on to recount the latest change. “The larger trend in specialty coffee is to focus on doing things right before doing them quickly. We want to pay attention to efficiency as well, but the primary focus needs to be quality ... We feel it has a lot more to offer than just the caffeine jolt in the morning.”

The overwhelming desire for good coffee and the enjoyment of that coffee is what is defining the change in Vancouver. This generation is one of instant gratification; the transformation back to simplicity in coffee is one that has been necessary. Viehweger echoes Kafka’s philosophy that it’s about “getting closer to the ingredients, closer to the coffee. Getting more simple, even getting back to drip [coffee].”

Kafka’s Coffee and Tea

×× Katie so

Christina Lamanes

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46 issue N o . 9

× Writer

14

Much like Seattle, Vancouver is recognized for rain, hipsters, and increasingly, coffee. Coffee shops and cafés were once a mere meeting place for socializing, studying and awkward first sort-of dates, and while those things are still alive and well around town, Vancouver coffee culture has shifted to that of micro-roasting, or what’s known in the States as “third-wave coffee.”

Comparable to the burgeoning micro-brewing culture in beer, there are an increasing number of specialty coffee shops where customers can go and drink coffee, the way it’s meant to be enjoyed. The term “specialty coffee” was coined in 1974 in an issue of the Tea and Coffee Trade Journal. and it looks to be picking up steam. Vancouver has seen an “upscaling” of coffee culture that has mirrored the changing values of consumers. There is an acute focus on the enjoyment of coffee rather than its function, which for most students, is to keep them semi-awake through those unkind morning

lectures. What these shops are now paying close attention to is the quality and methods used to make this delightful beverage.

What makes these shops different is a combination of their attention to the origins of the coffee, and their methods of brewing. As Aaron Kafka, owner of Kafka’s Coffee & Tea explains, knowing the sources for these specialty coffees goes hand in hand with improving the quality of coffee.

Part of quality assurance involves knowledge about the origins of the coffee beans. As Kafka points out, “People have higher expectations for coffee in terms of transparency. They want it to be traceable to a source – as consumers they are more aware in general.” The difference between going to one of these places versus your local imperialistic coffee chain? As stated on the 49th Parallel Coffee Roasters’ website, “Absolutely every coffee has to be cupped.” That means every cup is brewed fresh after, not before, the customer orders it.

The most popular method used is the pour over, which the baristas are happy to let you watch. With this method, the coffee is ground, placed in a filter and then hot water (200 degrees Fahrenheit to be exact) is poured over the grinds into a carafe. This allows the coffee to keep more

of its flavour, essence and oils. The point of this is to stress the difference in taste of a coffee that has been brewed fresh, rather than coffee that has been sitting. Another quality unique to these specialty coffee shops, besides the transparency element, is the fact that most of these places actually roast the beans themselves. This means that the owners and operators are involved at every single stage, apart from the actual growing of the beans.

This change has seen coffee enthusiasts likened to foodies and wine connoisseurs, but without the extravagant price tag. Yes, specialty coffee is a little more expensive, but then the highest price is around $4 – which is less than a grande latte at Starbucks. But then again that $4 is not just for coffee, it’s for an experience and peace of mind.

As Spencer Viehweger, co-owner of Matchstick Coffee Roasters explained, the shift in coffee culture over the last 20 years has been emulating that of the fast-food industry. “Over the past generations, we've treated food as little more than commodity. But if convenience and price are the only factors we consider, we begin to lose our connection to the things we eat and drink.” This brings the history of coffee culture in Vancouver up to the last five years or so, where Viehweger

2525 Main St. Named in part for owner Aaron Kafka, and also “the most famous Kafka,” this place is a serious fusion of the arts and coffee. When first entering the packed café, the art covering the walls is a definite stand out feature. Keeping in tune with the inspiration for the name, Kafka’s offers local artists a place to exhibit their art in a high volume space. The crowd there is varied, although there is a decidedly lively vibe, an open environment where most people are working on something. Most notably, there is an artist named Sean Karemaker, sketching on a wooden canvas.

Upon further inquiry, he revealed that he would be showing some of his work at Kafka’s in the coming weeks – which speaks to the community that these local specialty coffee shops can build.

When asked about the approach for his shop, Kafka says that he wants to have the best quality coffee in an inviting environment. He acknowledges that there can be a certain “pretentiousness with coffee, but here we are doing everything possible to try and avoid that pretentious atmosphere.” Success.

Review: Gibraltar 2 ounces of espresso, 2 ounces of milk, 4 ounces of coffee goodness.

An acceptable amount of foam (too much can overwhelm a drink) topped this delicious mix. It has a deep, earthy taste to it – velvety soft, fresh and strong, as should be the case for espresso. Though espresso has less caffeine than brewed coffee, it is supposed to be quite a bit stronger in flavour. That kick is often missing from popular coffee chains. The espresso here had a really mild aftertaste, which would not be offensive to even the most inexperienced of coffee

drinkers. As Kafka explains it, the goal here is to have the espresso “be able to stand on its own, and also by complemented with the addition of milk.” The latter was definitely accomplished, and the Gibraltar is the perfect kick-start for any study session – or a good distraction from any disaster date.

careful. While it’s great in the winter, give it a try in the summer when the heat is almost too overwhelming for coffee, or after a sweaty jaunt at Bikram’s – this coffee is airy enough. The peanut butter and jelly doughnut consumed with it could have accompanied coffee coloured water and still have been delicious.

49th Parallel Coffee Roasters

Revolver

2902 Main St. 49th Parallel is meticulous about the quality and fairness of the coffee they serve. The coffee is labelled as green and organic, but these guys actually travel directly to the sources and make sure that all trade is extremely fair. This ensures that owners Vince and Michael Piccolo know exactly how the coffee is getting to your table.

49th Parallel roast the coffee themselves, a given when discussing specialty coffee, but they also test out each coffee, which makes for a very knowledgeable staff. The guys and gals there are eager to help and make sure that the customer is getting the best experience possible. The new location on Main Street, which just opened this June, also makes and serves Lucky’s Doughnuts, and there is really no downside to their coffee and a doughnut feature. 49th Parallel has a cozy and warm atmosphere that is a welcome contrast from Vancouver’s dark and monsoon-like autumn weather. It has an all-wooden interior, with a brick fireplace and impeccable lighting that creates almost a bar-like feel. In more suitable weather, garage-like doors open onto a spacious patio that puts the seat count up to about 100. The people at Lucky’s Doughnuts perpetually baking, when paired with the industrial-style furniture that includes communal tables, gives it a rustic feel. What sets this place apart is the presentation of their beverages: Coffee and tea are served on a wooden platform with carafe and stir spoon, along with their signature aqua blue mug.

Review: Kenya Kagumoini Clean and bright, round body, with flavours of Meyer lemons, milk chocolate, red currents and mint.

This coffee has a citrusy aroma with a hint of fruit, followed by a little bit of sweetness at the end, and the milk chocolate flavour coming through in the aftertaste. This is a coffee that wants to be enjoyed slowly, but because of its lightness, it can be easy to gulp down if you’re not being

325 Cambie St. A family-owned business, and sister store to Crema Café in West Vancouver, Revolver is a destination spot for tourists and locals alike. An artsy interior gives character to this self-professed “brew bar.” It has wooden booths along one wall and a shelf-like low bar along the front window.

Revolver boasts high ceilings combined with exposed brick, with one wall that features three maps of the world, composed of nails. The gold-coloured nails contrast the regular grey, and illustrate where their coffee is from. The window seats allow for unparalleled people watching in Gastown, with the Cambie just across the street. The customers are a narrower demographic here, stylish twenty and thirty-somethings fill the small space.

Revolver offer coffee tasting options that include trying three different types of coffee or one type of coffee brewed three different ways. The staff "suggest you go into the coffee flight tasters blind to get a clear picture of what you like and what you don’t. If you go near closing time, even though the doors are closed there is no pressure to rush out: This place is all about the enjoyment of fine coffee.

Review: Patricia Perez, Guatemala Flavours of chocolate, Merlot and red grape.

This coffee smells dark, roasty and a little woodsy.

It’s a lighter-coloured coffee that speaks to its medium grace, rather than a darker roast. The red grape is the first taste to hit your mouth, with the chocolate coming later. It’s a surprisingly light-tasting coffee, served in a carafe with a tumbler-sized glass, which actually allows it to cool quite nicely, however be mindful of how long it takes to drink. Ideally, coffee brewed by the cup should be enjoyed within half an hour and never, ever re-heated. The chocolate in this is what has the lasting effect. It’s not overpowering, but it gives this roast a sweetness that does not need to be accompanied by any sugar (or organic agave honey).

Matchstick Coffee Roasters 639 E 15 Ave. Walking into Matchstick Coffee Roasters is like walking into one of those euro-inspired modern lofts that are modelled after gallery spaces. The wall behind the bar is covered completely in white tile; two other large walls are floor-to-ceiling pine.

The pine recurs to wrap around the bar, and serves as cut-out shelves. The rest of the walls are white, sparingly decorated. The space is open and roomy, with concrete flooring to give it that unfinished feel. The front windows allow a copious amount of light to flood the entire café. The standout feature, however, is a huge, communal wooden table that easily seats 15 people spaciously. When discussing the general atmosphere for his shop and other places like it, Viehweger says, “The need for community is so universal … we really wanted to be a community café, a neighbourhood café.”

The clientele are extremely varied and adequately reflect the trendy demographic that lives in, and frequents, the area.

The overall sentiment of specialty coffee shops in Vancouver is that the owners and employees are passionate and dedicated to their trade, and they want to share that experience with customers. As Viehweger puts it, “I think the story of coffee is still unfolding, and we want to be a part of that story.” While these people seriously appreciate coffee, a barista at 49th Parallel was quick to assure that no one would judge newbies for drinking their coffee with milk and sugar. Still, if you do test out any of these places, whether you opt for an espresso drink or drip coffee, try being a purist and drinking it black – it might rock your world.

Review: Adan Munoz Fruity and bold flavours, originating from Finca “La Molienda,” Honduras.

Ask here and you shall receive. After requesting “something strong” co-owner/operator Aaron Braun presented a cup of Adan Munoz. It smelled fresh and vibrant, far from the sometimes-stale scent you get at chain shops. The first taste was fruity, bold and packing a little punch. There were definitely some chocolate-like notes as well as something very berry-esque. It is worth noting that all the food, including baked goods and more substantial lunch items, are made in-house. The butternut squash spiced muffin is the epitome of a fall treat.

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× volume

46 issue N o . 09

15

OPINIONS

Opinions Editor ×

Leah Scheitel

× opinions@capilanocourier.com

EMAILS OF AN OBAMA NATION

Courier employees drunkenly email on election night Scott Moraes × Fiction and Humour Editor

Leah Scheitel × Opinions Editor

To: Scott Moraes From: Leah Scheitel Subject: Election Party Dear Scott, I know admittedly little when it comes to American politics. And most of what I do know comes from Saturday Night Live, namely that Jay Pharoah’s Barack Obama is way better than Fred Armisen’s. But people aren’t voting for who can imitate Barack better – they’re voting for a president.

And I’m going to eat my face off and care. Election parties are more fun than they sound.

Hi Leah, I truly hate American politics and American elections. The debates in particular are like a horrifyingly predictable ping-pong game that goes on forever. But if you like entertainment, you can't get any better. It's like an amusing sales pitch war.

Obama is just great with branding and ads and all that imagery and rhetoric crap. I'm making a bacon and leek quiche, by the way. Hungry?

Hey Scott: Fun fact of the day: According to my brother who majored in political science at SFU, the distance between the two parties’ aisle in the British parliament was set to be exactly two and a half sword lengths. This way, when parties debated, neither party could kill a member of the opposing party with one swipe of their sword. Imagine deciding the president with a sword fight to the death. Obama would definitely win against Romney, as he is 15 years younger, and can jump higher. I’m basing this assumption on the 1992 movie White Men Can’t Jump. Romney’s 65-yearold ass wouldn’t know what happened.

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46 issue N o . 9

Leah,

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Thank you for the trivia. I'm pretty sure MPs could slash each other outside of parliament later on though, couldn't they? Did you know that Alexander Hamilton got shot in a duel with Thomas Jefferson's Vice-President Aaron Burr?

It's a great image – those sad slave-owning fuckers, so pompous and proud with their stupid periwigs, duelling it out. Anyway, Obama may be younger and stronger, but Romney has God on his side. Can we talk about serious issues now? We're alienating the readers.

Hi Scott, Watching the live stream on Fox News, and it’s entertaining to see the right-wing “journalists” all yelling at each other, trying to get their voice heard over the other blowhards. The variances in the “facts” are truly shocking. At 7:40 p.m., ABC News had Obama at 173 seats, and Romney at 164. At 7:54 p.m., Fox News had

Leah,

Obama at 152 and Romney at 164, obviously neglecting to “refresh” their research. I know the right wing has supporters – I just don’t know any of them personally. If I did, I would ask why they accept Fox News as a viable source of journalism. Maybe I should go to a Republican convention to ask someone this, but that would be like going into a church during mass, and demanding that they give me their reasons for believing in God. Wow, did I just compare Fox News to God? I need another drink.

You must mean he paid somebody to write him a speech. He's got plenty of money to buy influence in Washington still. He'll be around causing damage and trying to prevent the president from doing anything.

Scott!

×× Stefan Tosheff

Hi Leah, Fox News is a comedy channel. Bill O’ Reilly, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter should act in a movie about a love triangle trying to overthrow the black socialist president. In the movie, they try to borrow a drone from the army and find out after all, that Obama is the God of Drones. Then they all become friends and plot to kill Bill Nye the Science Guy instead. I'd go see it every Tuesday night.

Anyway, I don't have cable, but I felt tempted to follow the coverage somewhere. So I tuned into Democracynow.org, which I used to watch daily. I must say, that's the best daily news show anywhere.

It's just relevant – they tell you all about the drone attacks, and labour strikes and election fraud. They had Chris Hedges and Jeremy Scahill (the cream of the crop of American journalism, if you ask me!) come in for a five-hour-long debate, and they're just awesome. I was drawing cost curves for my microeconomics lab and watching it at the same time, it was great. I thought to myself: “This supply curve is downward sloping and it will eventually lead to hell.” I gave up eventually. Democracy Now won the bid for my full attention. Scahill pointed out that when it comes to foreign policy in particular, there's only one party in America. Noam Chomsky wrote something similar last October, that “There are differences between the parties: about how enthusiastically the lemmings should march toward the cliff.”

OMG SCOTT Early results in, and Obama has won. My brother joked that, “the cool northern breeze that Americans feel upon their faces is a collective sigh of relief coming from Canada.” I didn’t realize that I cared this much about American politics, but this is honestly the first time I have unclenched my jaw and asshole the entire day. Maybe this stuff does matter. And it matters to Canadians. If we see that voting makes a difference between keeping Obama in, and nixing Romney’s dreams of a Mormon White House, maybe more Canadians will realize that voting does make a difference, and we can eventually oust Harper. Even if the results don’t work out in our favour, voting means that at least we tried. You’ve cast a vote, and tried to make some kind of impact and change. And that’s way better than staying at home out of an apathetic logic or a previous commitment to the Say Yes to the Dress marathon on TLC. These things do

matter, and we should at least attempt to change what matters to us.

Did you see Romney’s concession speech? It was the saddest room of white people I have ever seen.

The biggest white guy gathering is no longer at the Calgary Stampede – it’s the GOP speeches. Also, upon my Twitter quest, I came across one from Sarah Maria Santorum, Rick Santorum’s second eldest daughter: “I feel like a five-year-old on Christmas Eve hoping that I get that new President I prayed for.”

This proves that sometimes praying isn't enough. Whether it’s for a “pink My Little Pony to complete my collection,” or “a new white, Mormon President that will get rid of healthcare for all” – sometimes prayers aren’t answered.

Hi Leah, Hey Leah, and your scotch You're right. A friend of mine posted a cynical remark on Facebook last night, saying, “Apparently it's ‘pretend we give a fuck about American politics day.’” A lot of people do pretend, but the point is, it's the American election! We care, the Iranians care, the Chinese care, the Palestinians care...! We shouldn't really celebrate that Obama got re-elected. It's like celebrating that you got gonorrhoea instead of terminal cancer.

Resignation to the lesser evil shouldn't translate into a parade with blue balloons and cries of freedom and hope. But at least gonorrhoea is treatable.

Scotter-roo-der-roo!!!!

Obama’s officially won and the Twitter-sphere is going off about it. I just got a Twitter account (@MsElleMae if you feel so inclined) so my friend is teaching me how properly tweet. His prototype tweet read: “Celebrating Obama’s win at our erection party! #UsvoteCBC” That’s not a typo. It’s an erection party! I’ve got a boner for democracy. Obama is just cooler than Romney.

I’ve been learning all these Twitter goodies while waiting for Romney’s concession speech.

According to The Hill, Romney “told reporters earlier Tuesday that he has only prepared a 1,118word victory speech.” #soreloser I bet he’s scribbling out his remarks on a wet tissue that he used to dry his tears.

Romney was so certain he was going to win that he didn’t even write a concession speech, just to be prepared. Do you really want someone who is either that ill prepared or that sore of a loser to run your country? Imagine if he lost a game of chess to Stephen Harper. There goes the NAFTA agreement.

He needs to make his speech damn soon, as this late night is starting to weigh heavily on Peter Mansbridge. Get on it, Romney, for the sake of newscasters everywhere.

I didn't see the concession speech, so I can only imagine Romney’s disappointment that Jesus (the American Jesus, at that) didn't answer his prayers.

Donald Trump is going on a rampage and wants to storm the White House in furious protest.

Washington and Colorado legalized weed. If nothing else, America has provided a great night of entertainment.

Scotty-dee Obama is a boss. his speech was graceful. He may not be the best president that the U.S. has ever seen. He might not even be in the top five, but he is a classy guy. That is something to value, and it always will be. A thin line of patriotism was extended for the entirety of his speech, which is something that personally makes me squeamish. I think America should be proud of him. His wife is, his daughters are, and any other country would want him in office. According to the National Post, a BBC GlobeScan poll reports that 66 per cent of Canadians wanted Obama for a second term, and only nine per cent want Romney to be victorious.

Looks like Canada won in this one as well.

Leah, Obama is classy, what can I say. He's a great salesman, even if the product's shitty. That's why he won. He's great with the decor, and the lighting, and the ads, and the imagery – he's the original Don Draper. Should Americans be proud of him? I wish he would show some authority if he's actually committed to change. It's good that Canadians at least recognize acute insanity and say, “I wouldn't vote for that Romney,” but they also elected Harper. I don't get it. Politics tire me, Goodnight.

A Gift from Britain Why every successful British show spawns an American replica Charlie Black × Writer

Originality is dead.

So one would think when considering the content of TV shows and movies. Among the endless seas of sequels and borrowed stories, adaptations are rampant, with varying degrees of accuracy to the original source material on a sliding scale of Watchmen to 21 Jump Street.

It should be no surprise that we see entire TV shows copied and pasted from one place to another. In the past 10 years, U.S. and Canadian audiences have been introduced to an array of British imports to our tellies (sorry, TVs) with varying degrees of success. While it may be seemingly unnecessary at first to have to re-create something to appease a slightly different culture, these adaptations have proven to be of fundamental importance in media, and in all cultures.

The most prominent example of a U.S. adaption is Ricky Gervais' hit TV series, The Office. Based upon the original British series, American viewers were treated to Steve Carell and his co-workers getting into awkward and silly workplace antics on a weekly basis. The American version lapped its British mother series many times over, with the adaptation currently in its ninth and final season, whereas the British Office ran for a comparatively small two seasons before the creators pulled the plug, feeling if they went any further, they would stretch the concept too thin.

A less successful attempt at altering British creations to appeal to American audiences is the teen dramedy Skins. A longer-lasting standard of modern British television, the show

takes an honest, barely-censored look at the lives and livelihoods of teenagers doing anything necessary to eke out their existence while growing up in Bristol. Characters are regularly seen smoking, drinking, partying, having sex and being generally irresponsible. The show rebooted its cast every two seasons, keeping the storylines fresh, whereas its American remake on MTV barely survived one season amid moral guardians' accusations of showcasing “child pornography” and pandering a

lying somewhere in the far middle, but it would seem highly unnecessary to have to re-tool a show for an audience who speaks the same language as the original market.

But that is why adaptation is a fantastic thing – and necessary. Without it, we would have no new stories, plays, movies or anything.

People like stories because they can relate to the characters, and the more suited a story is to the surrounding culture, the more likely it is of being

Luke Skywalker and Jesus Christ went through much of the same trials and troubles, except in different contexts. morally dangerous lifestyle to young teens.

Much like the network executives at MTV thought, a show like Skins should naturally thrive in America, yet it couldn't be as edgy as it was in Britain because it was too realistic. To compromise would have made the show yet another Gossip Girl-esque show. Comparatively, a working-class comedy like The Office is a naturally British concept that took a chance in America and succeeded, where it has now developed its own identity while simultaneously falling victim to the American television system of “If it works, let's make more money off of it.”

The inevitable question is that if something is a success in one place, why isn't it as popular elsewhere? Granted, Americans and Brits are culturally defined sharply enough, with Canadians

liked. Luke Skywalker and Jesus Christ went through much of the same trials and troubles, except in different contexts. The stories that last through the ages remain with us because they are still bringing up questions we struggle to answer.

Where Shakespeare's Othello brings up issues of jealousy and lust, Skins asks, “What do you do when things are so fucked up you don't know what to do?” Through adaptation of stories and ideas we have true creativity – through the bravery to devise a new way to approach a resounding question.

In some cases, the adaptation ends up reigning superior over the original in terms of quality, and sometimes the adaptation can barely hold a candle. In extreme cases, when the question of “Why did they have to make an American

version?” is asked, the answer goes back to the Revolutionary War. The U.S. is often so insistent on putting its stamp on everything, employing manifest destiny on popular media so often that it resembles a dog stopping to urinate on every single telephone pole down the street.

This is especially true of British imports. For every The Office, we have a Coupling. Here we have the true failing of adaptation. When done in good faith, an adaptation can be an amazing thing. Without the best of intentions, it should never be done.

Upon first glance, many would say based on the general quality and the apparent lack of creativity involved, that America doesn't need to and shouldn't be mucking about with things that already work. Consider though that this is the nature of entertainment and storytelling.

Stories of all sorts need to be told, and to reach as many people as possible they need to be adapted.

If Shakespeare's plays were to only be performed exactly as they were in the 1600s, no one would go see them today. Even as shows like The Office and Skins find success in the U.K., not everyone in North America is tuned to British accents and wit, let alone British sensibilities.

Without adaptations, we would not have access to the original. Without adaptation, originality truly would be dead.

God Has A Temper super storm sandy causes false beliefs Lauren Gargiulo

what rape can do to a women’s body seems to be lacking. (Yes, sex, even if unconsented, can lead to babies.) There are other damaging comments, however, from the conservative, religious, Tea-Party enthusiasts and wingnuts.

These comments are disillusioned, not based on fact, and stem from prejudice and hatred.

Claims that homophobia is the cause of a natural disaster are factually wrong. Hurricanes are caused by weather systems, and not as they claim, by an irate God who is mad because marriages are not just happening between one man and one woman. Raindrops are not angel tears, and identifying as a member of the LGBTQ community is not anything to be ashamed of.

Anyone who claims otherwise needs to prove two things: first, that their claim is true, and second, a doctor’s note – vouching for their sanity.

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that God intended to happen.”

As a male, it is unclear as to how Mourdock would have to ever “struggle” with the reality of personally having an abortion. Because he will never have to face the decision of whether or not to keep a child, and to put his body through the procedure, he should have no right to say anything about it. What is done with women’s bodies is not his debate to weigh in on, and others agreed.

The Democratic group, American Bridge, sent out talking brochures to voters, so that when they opened them the listeners heard Mourdock’s absurd comments, along with other questionable statements. It worked. Democratic Senator, Joe Donnelly was elected in Indiana.

In Missouri, voters opted for Democrat Claire McCaskill instead of Republican Todd Akin and his “legitimate rape” comments.

Politicians have a reputation of suffering from foot-in-mouth. There is an entire book dedicated to stupid quotes that came from George W. Bush during his presidency, and Political Humor, a website, compiled the “Top 10 Dumbest Mitt Romney Quotes”.

As questionable as their political fumbles are, the sentiments have never stemmed from hate. Even when spouting off ridiculous comments about legitimate rape and abortion, Akin and Mourdock appear to be honestly concerned women’s health. What’s absurd about this is that their understanding of the facts and

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× Writer “ Go d i s s y s t e m a t i c a l l y d e s t roy i n g America,” claimed John McTernan, a pastor of the Defend and Proclaim the Faith ministries. In a video-recorded speech posted on the Huffington Post, McTernan blamed Hurricane Sandy, the “super storm” that raged havoc along the eastern seaboard in late October, on President Obama openly supporting marriage equality in the LGBTQ community. According to McTernan, Obama not only supports marriage equality, but also the “Muslim Brotherhood, which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem.”

McTernan accused both Obama and Mitt Romney of being “pro-homosexual" and being "behind the homosexual agenda.”

This isn’t the first hurricane McTernan has blamed on gay people – he also blamed Hurricane Isaac, which hurt the Gulf Coast in late August, on them. His homophobic and offensive claims are conservative and horrible, but what’s worse is that he isn’t alone when it comes to blaming natural disasters on homosexuals.

Hurricane Katrina, the 2011 earthquake in the Eastern U.S., and massive floods in the U.K. in 2007 are the examples of religious and conservative extremists blaming natural disasters on this community. The catastrophes, that according to some, gay people are clearly

responsible for, isn’t limited to natural disasters. 9/11, the Batman shooting in Colorado and the decline in marriage in the U.S. have also been blamed on gay marriage. These claims are rude, false, and just mean. The fact that anyone would let alone believe it, but then say in public, on record, that Hurricane Sandy is God’s way of punishing Obama for allowing gay marriage, is utterly stupid. The people who believe in these claims, as they validate the statements and speakers, compress the problem.

While counter arguments for the decrease in marriage in the U.S. could logically be seen as letting gay people marry, it seems that religious and close-minded conservative views go against logic. Allowing everyone to get married, regardless of sexual orientation, should only increase the number of marriage licenses being signed, not decrease it. But the right-wing fanatics are not always known for using their logic, especially when it comes to things that they don’t relate to.

Former Indiana state Senator, Richard Mourdock, made news for eye-raising comments about rape and abortion. According to the Huffington Post, Mourdock stated, “The only exception I have to have an abortion is in the case of the life of the mother. I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something

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OPINIONS

Opinions Editor ×

Leah Scheitel

× opinions@capilanocourier.com

NOT LOOKING HOT

Gwen Stefani fails on “cultural collision”

JJ Brewis

the capilano courier

×

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× Editor-in-Chief

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From Madonna’s burning crosses to Nirvana’s skewed Jesus, music videos have long been a controversial art form. The modern finicky business of entertainment can create short career spans, leaving the commodity of music videos, essentially, as a tool to get fans talking about an artist. But it appears artists are going to any length to make their way into – or back into – the spotlight. For Californian rockers No Doubt, their newest foray into music video was a questionable and tasteless misstep, inadvertently advancing racial stereotypes and appropriating cultural identity as laissez-faire fashion choices.

In the video for their new single “Looking Hot”, No Doubt take on the antiquated cinematic theme of “cowboys and Indians.” The three male band members don spurs, bandit masks and neckerchiefs, while front woman Gwen Stefani casually sports Native-themed garb, from feathered headdresses to Navajo-print leggings, all while seductively remaining captive, tied up to a building and guarded at gunpoint by her cowboy bandmates.

It’s a bold move, and one that comes off as a poor choice. Shortly after uploading “Looking Hot”, No Doubt found themselves under reasonable scrutiny for the insensitive choice to use an entire cultural identity as a music video “theme,” swapping religious and social properties for fashion and stylish set designs. Given the immeasurable amount of negative responses, the band removed the video less than 24 hours after its debut, releasing a statement apologizing for what they see as a misperception. “Our intention with our new video was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history,” the band wrote, “We sincerely apologize to the Native American community and anyone else offended by this video. Being hurtful to anyone is simply not who we are.”

Margaret “Emmy” Scott responded to the video by posting a letter to the official forum on Nodoubt.com. “As a Native woman whose college-educated mother chose to raise me on the reservation in order to be close to my culture and [to] always be proud of who I am and where I came from, I was deeply offended by your trivialization of my culture,” she wrote. Scott went on to explain that, although she grew up enjoying the band’s work and was empowered by early songs in their oeuvre like “Just a Girl”, the appropriation of Native American identity in the video is an obvious no-no. “Eagle feathers, beadwork designs, the way that you fix your hair, even down to the colors that are used in traditional regalia, all have spiritual and/or religious meaning for American Indian people,” she wrote.

While the band reacted quickly to try and rectify their mistake, and apologized for the controversial content of the video, it doesn’t answer why they thought it was a good idea in the first place. Putting on some feathers and fringe doesn’t read as the innocent game of dress-up No Doubt likely thought it did. Native American people are largely identified with

colourful clothing and accoutrements, but the items are not necessarily just the fashion pieces Stefani and her cohorts make them out to be. The headdress that bassist Tony Kanal rocks out in during a field-side solo is actually meant to be worn by tribe members who achieve levels of bravery, awarded for a variety of reasons, depending on the tribe. Even the choreography is offensive in this context, explains Scott. “Many of these dances that we do at powwows have been done for hundreds of years and have a ceremonial purpose behind them.”

In particular, the image of a mostlyCaucasian band thematically costumed in another culture’s visual identity is made even more disturbing in the context of the video’s lyrical content. “Go ahead and look at me, ‘cause that’s what I want,” Stefani coos.

The video loosely relates to an

you’d think she would step up to the plate and help empower women of all cultures, but instead she’s doing quite the opposite. Her first foray into music videos, No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” clip in 1996, was the first of many times Stefani would use cultural re-appropriation, wearing a bindi on her forehead (a South Asian religious symbol of energy and concentration). Since then, she’s appropriated about as much as she can over the years, from India’s mehndi hand painting design to the distinct Latina make-up look. All of this is done under the guise of being “inspired” by the looks’ rightful owners, a misnomer she throws around wherever necessary.

When Stefani won an award for her 2004 smash “Hollaback Girl”, she called the musical collaboration with Pharell Williams (an

the American-Indian bassist of No Doubt for half a decade. She also named her son Kingston, after the capital of Jamaica. It’s apparent that Gwen is a far cry from a white supremacist, however what she needs to realize is that she’s perpetuating stereotypes and being culturally insensitive each time she casually adapts another culture’s visual identity as a flash-in-the-pan fashion trend.

As much as she identifies in this multicultural façade, Stefani’s actions have shown that, though she’s not necessarily hateful or racist, she is active in perpetuating racial stereotypes and marginalizing other demographics. People of Stefani’s status should be thinking more carefully about the implications of their actions before carrying through. At 43, Stefani is certainly “looking hot” for her age, but with moves like this, she’s appearing quite out of touch, which isn’t hot in any culture.

No Doubt are certainly not the first artist to create a dicey music video that mixes “art” with “offense.” Here are a few other doozies.

×× Shannon Elliott

The Prodigy – “Smack My Bitch Up” (1997) Aside from its eye-raising lyrical content, the clip itself was host to a cornucopia of jawdropping imagery, from drunk driving to graphic sex scenes, violence, blatant drug use, and general misconduct. The video was shot from a first-person perspective, and despite its artistry, the content managed to get it banned from most major channels.

Nas – “Hate Me Now” (1999) A black rap artist being crucified? Yeah, that’s not exactly going to go over well. Nas is allegedly a devout Catholic and saw the video as a direct homage to the crucifixion of Christ. But Catholics and hip-hop fans (as well as the video’s co-star P. Diddy) agreed that it was just too much.

early clip from the band, “Excuse Me M r.” , where Stefani was shown tied to a railroad track in homage to silent film clips. In “Excuse Me” Stefani saves herself in the end. But here, 16 years later Gwen is tied up again in “Hot”, at the mercy of the three male cowboy figures in the clip. While Stefani may be unaware of the reality of the culture she’s portraying, according to N.O.W. (National Organization for Women), “Native American women experience the highest rate of violence of any group in the United States,” at a rate three and a half times greater than the average, including sexual violence and institutionalized racism.

The image she’s sending is shocking and bold, and it’s unbelievable the video was made, given its cultural insensitivities.

Stefani has been viewed as a cultural icon and somewhat of a role model for women since the 1990s. Given how long she’s been in the business,

African-American hip-hop artist and producer) a “cultural collision.” But during the press for the 2004 solo album, Love. Angel. Music. Baby. which bore “Hollaback Girl”, she thematically clung to her four Japanese “Harajuku Girls.” While it was great publicity for these individuals’ dance careers, gaining spots on an international tour and on TV, the reality of the situation was that they were adhering to a living, breathing “present but silent” rulebook.

In an interview with MuchMusic, Stefani insisted to the host: “Please don’t talk to them, they are a figment of my imagination, they aren’t real.” It is an instance like this where the theatrical element of a musical persona goes too far, and encroaches on the sensitive boundaries of historical sensitivities and basic human ethics.

None of this is to say that Gwen Stefani is inherently racist. She famously dated Tony Kanal,

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Y Control” (2004) Long-lauded for their visual and musical artistry, the New York garage punks got a lot of heat for this clip, which deals in the obviously controversial realm of child mutilation. Does it matter if the person doing the hand-chopping is another kid? Apparently not, as the clip not only got major flack, but many outlets also banned it.

M.I.A. “Born Free” (2010) A Ginger Genocide? M.I.A. defies any standard theatrical elements, opting for a shocking and graphically violent clip in which a busload of red-haired pre-teens are rounded up and shot.

The shocking display was intended to be a metaphor for government brutality, made behind the back of M.I.A.’s labels. The clip ended up being the target of a massive Internet backlash.

the caboose

caboose Editor ×

Scott Moraes

× caboose.capcourier@gmail.com

THE BURDEN OF THE MANLY The history of Movember and how to survive the storm Accessorizing, Bitch

Sam MacDonald × Man-Writer

History The moustache was first introduced to the Western Industrialized World after spreading from Central to Eastern Europe. It was cultivated by roaming merchants who’d chop the beards off their enemies and sell them to haberdashers as a cheaper alternative to wool. Thousands of men were left with nothing but the hair on their lips to warm their face, often leading to violent reprisals on the merchants who prospered off of their beard hair. Soon, the style was recorded to give natural performanceenhancement for all who donned it.

Many of those with moustaches rose to great power, resulting in the style being worn by voivodes as a symbol of their power and virility. It quickly spread into other countries via travelling hajduks, drunk off of the power it gave them – the most famous being Bulgarian revolutionary, Panayot Ivanov Hitov, whose upper-lip forest was so large that it decapitated his wife when he turned to face her.

It wasn’t until the turn of the 20th century when the Western Stashe reached its full potential. It took one man’s hybrid of the East and the West’s take on facial hair to unlock the moustache’s natural affinity for the martial arts. One man by the name of Edward William Barton-Wright – born on November 8th in India to British parents, raised in France and studied in Japan – was the man to define the nose neighbour for a new century. As a master of beating his opponents to death while wearing a suit, Barton-Wright was one of the first Europeans to teach Japanese martial arts, often creating his own, more moustache-oriented versions. For his efforts to elevate fanny-dusters to the badge of high-class and gentlemanly badassery they are today, it is Man-Law that all men must wear moustaches during the month of his birth, November.

M O U STAC H E

STYLES

The John Waters/ George Orwell: Known more for its uncanny knack for social satire, than its looks.

The Errol Flynn: Sharp and elegant. It increases sword fighting skills and swashbuckling.

The Magnum: Not as sexually undeniable as you think, but pretty damn close.

The George Jefferson: A life long commitment.

Skills that Kill Much like the perplexing platypus’ ability to deliver paralyzing venom from its feet, the moustache is one of nature’s more indirectly deadly defensive weapons. Once a moustache is finalized and one commits to a style, it brings forth innate skills and abilities for its wearer.

You’ll find your weapon handling has improved and that most if not all the fucks you previously gave are now dead. This will of course result in you carrying nunchaku at all times and leaving porn out in the open at your apartment. This is all because you are not to be fucked with – and you choose to take this as literally as you can.

Thanks to the great Man-Pioneer, Edward William Barton-Wright, mankind now knows the benefits of creepy lip hair. Throughout his lifetime of Manly conquests, Barton-Wright was able to discover all the natural defenses that come with the moustache: Fisticuffs: Bare-Knuckle Boxing for Men. Judo: Japanese art of strangling, grappling and throwing bodies.

Schwingen: Swiss folk wrestling.

Jujitsu: The art of weapons play and destroying load-bearing joints.

Canne de Combat: The art of beating a man with a cane.

I’m A Man, Dammit

The Dali: You don’t do drugs, you are drugs.

The Daniel Plainview: “If I say I'm a moustache you will agree.”

The deGrasse Tyson: Containing ultimate knowledge of the universe.

The Lemmy: Makes you immortal. No Earthly substance can kill you.

The Barton-Wright: Your facial hair is authorized as a weapon.

The Lovecraftian: Your facial hair has become a living being of unspeakable horrors.

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As a man, the threat of prostate cancer haunts me. The Movember Foundation spreads awareness about the health risks men face and the many reasons why the moustache is outfitted with such great natural defenses. Go to Ca.movember.com/donate to learn about the Foundation and the good they do for men.

Celebrate your ability to produce testosterone and pee standing up, by growing out the hair on your upper lip.

The Sam Elliot: Hardy enough to filter your voice into a whiskey-soaked drawl.

×

As with all things regulated by Man-Law, Movember is controlled by a series of poorly defined rules that are subject to change at any time. There is only one true rule of Movember.

Every man knows it. It’s a rule so self-evident that it would physically pain me to write it.

In respect of all things Manly, “proper” beards are allowed to remain, any beard less than two inches must be shaved off. It’s called a beard culling. All hair below the upper lip must go. I understand the difficulty in this. A variety of problems arise. Those with shorter beards need to face the real reasons why you grew facial hair.

The skin has grown soft and sensitive over the seasons and now your flesh is made bare in the chill November winds. Your cheeks have become utterly ignominious and pale, causing babies and the extremely elderly to cry. Get past it! We’re all in this together.

Trimming the moustache is as delicate a process as fighting a mountain lion: One small slip-up will result in your ultimate disfigurement.

Small and sharp scissors are often the best for precision styling. Electronic trimmers or smaller shavers have the lower threat of you stabbing yourself, but you’re a Man, so the threat of death should be embraced. Although it is best to shave after showers, you must not trim the moustache until the hairs are dry. When man-grooming in the morning, you should trim right before you leave your home to go practice the art of woodcraft, act in a porno, take part in a dance fight, or whatever it is you do with your moustache.

There are those with sideburns too mighty to be sacrificed in the shaving. Like any good culling, you must integrate the more desirable qualities of your chops with your moustache. There is a rule of thumb that so long as there is a separation of the hair on your chin as wide as your thumb, then it’s no longer a beard. This specific rule was first introduced by Fathers of Confederation in Canadian law, a ruling so decisive it led to many Founding Fathers to shave their face and grow out their neck beards in protest. The controversy and gross neck beards drew a global audience, forcing nations of the world to adopt similar facial-hair legislation along with other Canadian concepts such as time zones, insulin, and coat zippers.

FA M O U S

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×× REbecca Joy

Rules for Beard Culling

Haberdashery is now a term that applies to you.

Collared shirts are a must for any pushbroom to properly transcend its natural form. Ties, suspenders, vests, and full-on suits are always good too, but they do tend to be expensive for people with eccentric facial hair. If a hat is worn then it can only be a derby, bowler, newsboy, pork pie, panama, fedora or even a fucking toque – just never a straight baseball cap, unless you have a mullet, which is a whole other issue.

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the caboose

caboose Editor ×

Scott Moraes

× caboose.capcourier@gmail.com

Shot gun reviews : coffee edition

GREEN COFFEE EXTRACT Charlie Black

BARISTA RANT Katherine Gillard

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES Lauren Gargiulo

BLENZ JJ Brewis

What is it, why is it green, and why doesn't it taste like coffee? I had quit my job at Starbucks right before they started selling this stuff, having heard nothing of its impending revolutionary existence. Imagine my surprise when this new, fruity beverage I was consuming turned out to be a mixture of berry currant, ice and coffee.

Turns out it comes from unroasted coffee beans, which (surprise surprise) are green. Imagine my fury when I was unable to get to sleep for five hours that night thanks to being misinformed on exactly what I was pouring down my gullet.

Tasty as it was, drinking that “refresher” had the same impact as the first time I drank a Red Bull, save for the god-awful flavour. Perhaps I'm just being resistant to change here, but shouldn't coffee taste like coffee? Or at least something like it with shit-tons of creamer and flavoured syrups?

It's far too easy to slam back because of its innocuous flavour. Because it's so new, I'm avoiding this stuff until I can get some more Intel. Mark my words, this stuff is the next Taurine. Tread cautiously, night owls.

This is dedicated to those people without coffeeshop etiquette, and how much they suck. For when you come in and say, “The line is long so I thought I’d just skip it, all I want is water.” Sure, totally! These other 15 people in line won’t be mad at all that I’m ignoring them for you! Or if someone says, “Are you sure this is decaf? It smells caffeinated.” Oh damn, I wish I had a super sense of smell like you! Or those of you who talk to me while I steam milk for your drink, wait until I’m done and then say, “Oh, I wanted that iced, sorry.” Because there's nothing I love more than doing the same thing twice! Paying for your $2 coffee with a hundred dollar bill? No biggie. I absolutely love counting change, too!

But seriously, you pull this on me one more time and you’re getting skim milk with decaf and not at all what you wanted.

I have a problem. It’s not a horrible life or death problem or anything. The only thing dying is my wallet, and that’s because my problem is Starbucks. And their stupid Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Seriously, I have no idea why I love them so much. It could be the amazing fall/Halloween flavour they have. Or the wonderful whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkled topping – which is a bad thing since I’m both lactose intolerant and allergic to cinnamon. So why exactly am I paying $5.77 for a venti cup of death? I have no idea. I could easily buy lunch instead. Or save up and buy allergy pills, or just buy a soy beverage without whipped cream and cinnamon. But it just doesn’t taste the same! If I end up dying, just put a picture of a pumpkin spiced latte on my tombstone.

People always get up in my grill for being a Starbucks loyalist, but the fact of the matter is that I’m not really loyal to anyone! This is an Americano, not a relationship! I’m only selective about which coffee establishment I avoid, and frankly, Blenz takes the prize – the chalky, chalky prize. I’m not gonna cover anything up, I’m a fucking snob, and I’m okay with that. I feel bad because they’re Canadian, but they’re just soooo brutal. Not only are their aesthetic elements tacky (what the fuck is that logo, a three-way between a goose, a coy snake, and an oversized slug?), but also the whole place just blows chunks. You know what’s uncool, Blenz?

Charging people 50 cents more for a larger size and giving them the SAME AMOUNT of beverage! And their environmentally unfriendly paper Wi-Fi “codes” that only last two hours, and are only one per stupid drink, like the embarrassingly named “Chillo?” Also smear campaigns are dumb. Slam ‘Bucks all you like, but the fact of the matter is everyone likes the clean floors and every 12th beverage free, so you can take your “fresh” “espresso” “shots,” all you like – I’ll take my $18 Starbucks beverage any day of the week over one of your ugly beige cups. Can anyone tell me why Blenz is spelled that way? I’m getting angry juzt talking about thiz.

“NATURAL FLAVOUR” Is NOT an ingredient!

Bad boyfriend Katieso.tumblr.com

CHOPSTICKS I give up! My loyalty lies with the opposable thumb and/or cutlery

GANGNAM STYLE PARODIES Proliferate like alien larvae, lodge in your brain, and eat it from the inside out HURRICANES WITH FEMALE NAMES So sexist. Should be named after presidents UPS Ultimate Pissing-Off Services, U Poor Sucker, Uniquely Pathetic Society...?

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CARD TRICKS Yes, for the tenth time in a row, that's my card

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VANCOUVER METEOROLOGISTS Laid off until May SENIORS EATING BURGERS Amusing to watch CORGIS Call me a royal sucker, but they're the best SELF-ROLLING TOOTHPASTE TUBE Would save a lot of marriages