Don’t Forget to Spell - Czech

‘And Another Thing...’ Don’t Forget To Spell-Czech

by Vince Nolan

Having returned to the daily commute we have taken to van spotting to pass the journey time into Cardiff every day. The Current Mrs Nolan was riding shotgun when we pulled up behind a van which was properly sign written on the back and sides with the legend: “Indepndamt adaptions carried out.” Ignoring the obvious spelling error, I always thought they were adaptations and not adaptions but maybe I was being a bit picky (my version of road rage).

We then saw a van with “Black Lion Construction” written on the side whose logo was a white lion on a black background? Maybe it was a photographic negative? Then we were behind a sewer cleaning tanker which carried the strap line: “We are number 1 at number 2’s” which was clever.

To finish off this fest of word and image strangeness, I recently read an article written by a Uni student which went thusly: “I graduted with a 2:1 today. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my lecturers and personal tutors who have taughted me many wonderful things.” Seems like they had not quite taughted you enough! Herewith a mortar board for the smaller-headed gradute. come from to stay at his proposed luxury hotel development he said: “I have got Madonna on speed-dial.” Pregnant pause and a stifled laugh on my part which is difficult to hide on a Teams call. It went downhill from there. He claimed to be a self-made man and I thought it was very nice of him to take the blame. The ego had truly landed. I am beginning to wonder if it is me?

It is me. To illustrate the point, I was invited to a Webinar to discuss funding for businesses. I thought they said Wine Bar and hence my overeager acceptance. The organisers then sent me an email confirming my booking and also asking whether I had any specific event questions like transport, parking and dress code. Given the event will be conducted over the internet I will not be driving and could easily be wearing my unicorn onesie.

I had a Teams call with a London based client whom I was “meeting” for the first time. When asked by a Government official, who was also on the call, where the wellheeled clientele might

Following my previous report of a couple of “senior moments”, She Who Must Be Obeyed and I decided to renew our stock of low cut socks for the Summer to wear with trainers. We purchased packs of six pairs each but neither of us had our glasses with us so had to myopically guess the sizing. On return to Nolan Towers mine fitted perfectly whilst She had purchased socks for a 5-year-old instead of size 5. My how we laughed! Who was the most famous footwear philosopher? Sockrates. Son and Heir and I were talking the other day. You may recall he lives in Long Beach, New York. I was telling him about our 80-degree heatwave, and he sent me pictures of their weekend away on Nantucket Island up in Cape Cod where it was 80 degrees and lobster all the way. Bad luck seems to follow him around. However, he sent me a fab voucher for a dozen bottles of wine as a Father’s Day present which was both kind and practical. Having ordered my wine choice, we then played the delivery merrygo-round of when it might arrive. I left specific instructions with the carrier to leave the box in the front garden, behind the high hedge should we not be at home. Fearing that the wine and I might never see each other, I arrived home between meetings, only to find the box on the front doormat. What is wrong with people? So, I thought if you can’t beat them; join them, and I started a new job as a delivery man. When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, “Dear Mr Delivery Man, we’re out, please hide in the garage.” Eight hours went by, nobody found me. Stop Press: Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow. It will be some time between 9am and 5pm. There we were on the patio at our local, The Embalmers Arms. Which reminds me, what do you call an Irishman who sits around your back garden all day? Paddy O’Furniture. Anyway, we witnessed a works leaving bash. These are often fun and emotions usually run high so great comedy potential. However, in

this case we rapidly concluded they must have been the local undertakers. Four attendees with one strident boss who was clearly the Alpha Female. She showed off that she had bought the “bouquet” to present to the escapee from a wellknown budget supermarket for the princely sum of £3.99. To continue the occupational theory, it looked like it had been recently lifted from one of their dearly departed clients. Said leaver arrived to no fanfare, emotion, welcoming or leaving speeches and a glass of cola. She was then and a minimum of ten were required or told that one of their number had left her card on their desk and would post it to her whereupon the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers she downed her drink and left. Later, another who were in the bar (could have been the of their cabal joined them, ordered champagne aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied to be told that he had missed the “fun”. The champagne was then returned unopened. No having a brewery tour and free beer for the idea where the lady had moved on to but we afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, judged it to be a lucky escape on her part. they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Just read this from Jeremy Vine which I think Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday is excellent: “We navigate through rear-view evening at the side entrance to the Brewery mirrors always trying to find our way back to our on Caroline Street where four pensioners youth, blaming everyone around us when we who could barely stand were seen hanging find the horizon only ever recedes.” onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. Sayonara. A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?” “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. “Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong.

coincidence, Guinness was entrance to the Brewery on have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto just read in the paper that the Pope does.” Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at founded in 1759 which was exactly the time it tried to shift me nearer to my maker. I drank the other three cans for health and safety reasons. I have discovered that there are only 3 shops I really need during lockdown: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this lockdown malarkey. We don’t have to home school or anything like that but when the highlight of the week was taking the car for an MOT then it’s serious, out of his pocket. He opened a lamppost, for support, rather waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and than illumination. An afternoon they would Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise particularly as we both went along for the excitement. contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He never…… remember. really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat Here’s one, what about skew-whiff? A phrase we returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst she sipped a glass of wine and she said, “I love you so much, you often hear. Apparently, it comes from the 18th Century weaving industry when something not straight was referred to as skew weft (from the warp and weft). Of down next to a priest. The know. I don’t know how I could ever live Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the wine.” Finally, a blessing for the drink: God, in his goodness, sent the grapes, to cheer both great and small. Little fools will drink too much and great fools none at all. My round. course, this should not be confused with the related catawampus (look it up, I had to). A good friend and neighbour of ours, let’s call her Dr H, for that is her name, is walking out with Dr R who is no stranger to TV and radio presenting. We recently walked past their front door where a note was pinned. It said: “Please leave parcel at foot of door. Live Radio Programme Being Recorded.” Not to be outdone we rushed home and I penned the following note: “Please arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst

out sheets of small paper and each square contained Continuing the rope theme: Soap on a rope Pope on a rope I once owned one of the chewed pencils which Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I couldn’t tell whether it was 2B or not 2B. Staying with the Bard, in days gone by, in order to attract women, I used to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82: “Hello.” I was reading about a court case where the accused was described as “having murderous intent.” I was quite disappointed to learn that this had nothing to do with camping. Finally, sad news, my friend David has lost his ID. Now he is just Dav.

Hasta La Vista Chums

(above) who is the dynamic CEO of Neath Port Talbot

I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as President……….wearing make-up and lying in front of us. Amen.” I was recently asked by the son of a good friend of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is what I wrote: My favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddafi because of his likeness to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip to Paris to watch Wales play France. We had developed a 20 year relationship with a French side and played them home and away on French international weekends. On this particular trip (Mike’s fi rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At Dover, a uniformed Customs Offi cer came onto our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports guys and I will come along and count them and you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiffi ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course confi rmed that they were but I thought this to be a very stupid question. I would have said something like: “I don’t know

I know I have written about sell-buy dates before when madam was but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday last with us but we revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. moved them out to the car park many What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU months ago as a supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging direct consequence revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like of Covid19.” Perhaps Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles this is why I do not run are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, a pub. taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK A wife sent her warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on husband a romantic the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are must be astronomical. drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me

Staying with food, I have been doing some research your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The I’m in the toilet, please advise.” list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The with the Ox representing diligence, persistence Netherlands). Staggering. and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year

Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” then is it? “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea you could yodel.”

I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to particularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a navigation aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique combination of three words. I still drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it which comics have used to deal with modern day hecklers: Ricky Tomlinson “What size of shoe does your mouth take?” “This is what comes from drinking on an empty head.” “I know where you were when they were handing I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of the brains out………getting an extra helping of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. mouth.” “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket one would hear a word you’re saying.” on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going Halloween?” in-@me” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smar@es (Canada), comes@bles are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with family.” Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “LiKle old lady.” “LiKle old lady who?” “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.”“I had no idea you could yodel.” I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I par@cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a naviga@on aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was ear.” assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for the first @me the other day and the unique three word loca@on I was looking for was “You Adios Amigos Are Lost!” Design fault or user error? intolerance, I am led to believe that the term heckler originated from the tex@le trade, where to heckle was to tease or comb-out flax or hemp fibres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ news and the others would buK in with constant