Self-giving

redeems romantic love, makes it holy

As a writer, one of the things I appreciate most about the English language is its expansive vocabulary. The plethora of synonyms at our disposal makes it possible to find just the word to express subtle nuances of feeling or thought. We owe this rich treasury largely to the Norman invasion of 1066, when the Germanic Anglo-Saxon tongue was somewhat forcibly wed to the Romance language of French. The offspring of this philological union grew up to become modern English.

This explains why we tend to have at least two words for most everything, one each with German and Latin roots. Examples

Our Lady of Fatima teaches obedience and trust

neighbor as yourself is agape. To love your enemies is definitely agape.

In contrast, eros has historically gotten a bad rap. Where agape is selfless and giving, eros is selfish and receiving. But to suggest that erotic, or romantic love has no place in Christian life would be a mistake. We must be careful not to over-spiritualize religion. If the end of Christianity is the union of the human and the divine, what is human mustn’t be discarded but elevated. And what could be more human than falling in love?

A young man and young woman catch one another’s eye and experience the excitement of mutual attraction. Anyone who has ever been in love knows the rush of a new romance. You yearn for the other and long to possess them because of the way you feel when they are near you. Young love is in many ways selfish and possessive, but as love matures it becomes more selfless and giving.

include ghost (German) and spirit (Latin); body (German) and corpse (Latin). Often these words take on different connotations over time. A “body” can be living or dead, but we reserve the word “corpse” to refer to a body that’s given up the ghost. “Ghost” means the same as “spirit” but today implies a spooky spirit, so modern prayer books no longer speak of the Holy Ghost. Yet despite our rich vocabulary, English is handicapped when it comes to speaking of love. We rely on this one little word to express so much. I love ice cream. I love my children. I love my wife. I love God. The same word is used in each instance, but what I mean by it is quite different. How I feel about ice cream is not how I feel toward God (one would hope). Why is our otherwise verbose mother tongue so impoverished when it comes to the most important thing of all? It’s a mystery I have no answer to. Greek has us beat in this regard. The ancient Greeks came up with different words to describe the various kinds of love. Love between family members was called “storge,” while love between friends was “philia.” Romantic love was called “eros” (from which we get our word “erotic”), while “agape” referred to selfgiving love. This latter term is used most often in the Greek New Testament. It was translated into Latin as “caritas,” from which we get the English word “charity.”

Agape is considered the highest and purest form of love because it is the least self-interested. To love someone with agape is to love them for their own sake, not for what we get out of it. Loving God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength requires agape. To love your

In his 2006 encyclical “Deus Caritas Est” (“God is Love”), Pope Benedict XVI redeems erotic love by showing its connection to agape. While recognizing that undisciplined eros tends toward lust, he nevertheless observes that eros also provides “a certain foretaste of the pinnacle of our existence, of that beatitude for which our whole being yearns.”

Eros and agape, he writes, “can never be completely separated… Even if eros is at first mainly covetous and ascending, a fascination for the great promise of happiness, in drawing near to the other it is less and less concerned with itself, increasingly seeks the happiness of the other, is concerned more and more with the beloved, bestows itself and wants to ‘be there for’ the other. The element of agape thus enters into this love….”

Erotic love has the wonderful effect of drawing us out of ourselves. We recognize in our beloved something that is good and beautiful and worthy, and we yearn to possess the object of our desire. If eros ends here, it degrades into lust. But rather than being eradicated, eros is meant to be elevated. As romantic love grows, the desire to possess the beloved doesn’t go away, but to it is added the desire to give oneself to the beloved.

As it matures, eros doesn’t transform into something different; it grows into something greater. Whereas eros says “I want to possess you,” agape says, “I want to give myself to you.” True, mature romance has both. “My lover belongs to me, and I to him” (Song 2:10).

Of all the many and varied forms of love, the mutually self-giving love between spouses most reflects the inner life of God – Father,

Obedience is not a trait that has ever come particularly easy for me. I have a stubborn and somewhat contrary nature. I’m also excessively curious and like to know the “why” behind everything. And I will admit to a rather rebellious streak, as well, which means that telling me to do something is often a guaranteed way to make me not want to do it. I often thank the Lord that I was given such patient and loving parents, or else I might not have survived my adolescence and young adulthood.

Coming to the Catholic Church in my mid-20s required a lot of trust in things I didn’t fully understand, things I may never fully understand this side of heaven. I had to accept many things in my heart long before I would begin to get a hold of them with my mind, and even 10 years later I am still amazed when a new piece of the faith suddenly “clicks” for me.

I recently read “Inside the Light: Understanding the Message of Fatima” by Sister Angela de Fatima Coelho. Before reading this book, I knew only the basic story of the apparitions of the Blessed Virgin that took place in Fatima, Portugal, in the early 20th century: how Our Lady appeared to three young shepherd children over a series of several months, culminating in the spectacular “miracle of the sun” that was witnessed by many thousands of people.

Sister Angela presents many beautiful ideas to meditate upon, but one that struck me particularly comes from the first request the Virgin Mary made of the children. When she first appeared to them, they did not know who she was, only that she was a beautiful lady who was “dressed in the light of God.” She said to them, “I have come to ask you to come here six months in succession on the 13th day, at this same hour. Later on, I will who tell you who I am and what I want.” No introduction, no explanation, just the request that they keep showing up for her. And perhaps one of the miracles: The children obeyed! No questioning, no arguing, no bargains. The children simply did what she asked of them and were rewarded with incredible graces; so much so that two of them, Francisco and Jacinta Marto, became the two youngest nonmartyred canonized saints.

Are we as adults capable of such obedience and trust, even knowing ahead of time the rewards that are promised?

It’s easy to see the importance of obedience in children. As their caregivers, we might try to make sure that they brush their teeth, eat their vegetables, get plenty of sleep. We know that if they follow these instructions then they will thrive in life long before they are grown enough to understand the reasons behind it. Hygiene and a healthy diet are not made more or less effective based on a child’s comprehension of them; it’s more important that they just do what they are told.

Spiritually, we are all children in the eyes of God, and sometimes we are called to trust and obey even if we don’t understand the “why” first. As we mature spiritually, God may enlighten our hearts more as to the necessity of certain practices, but that does not mean we should wait for that enlightenment before starting.

It reminds me of a quote by C.S. Lewis from his book “Mere Christianity.” In the chapter about charity, Lewis says, “Do not waste time bothering about whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.” Sometimes action must precede feeling. How many of us have struggled through a new exercise regime or a healthier diet, yet only come to fully appreciate the benefits many weeks after we begin?

I do not have the most disciplined of temperaments. I can be rather lenient with myself and easily make excuses when I am not in the mood to do something. Once again, I’m grateful for the forbearance of my parents while I was growing up, especially during my teenage years, but I am also grateful for the rules and expectations they imposed, the obedience they required in certain things. Obedience was something I needed to practice before I had the maturity to appreciate the reason for it.

The Holy Catholic Church has given us certain “rules,” such as the obligation of attending Sunday Mass every week, for our own well-being. Just as God gave us the Sabbath for our need and benefit, and even made it a commandment that we rest one day a week, so the Church says we must fulfill certain duties because they are necessary for the health of our souls. In various apparitions, Our Lady has made requests of us, as she made of the shepherd children at Fatima, such as praying a daily rosary and the First Saturday Devotions.

Do we trust God? Are we willing to be obedient to Him, to the decrees of His Church, and to the requests of His Mother? Are we willing to give Him our lives and our hearts? As Sister Angela says in her book, “the things of God don’t always work according to our rules and regulations. Often, He asks for faith FIRST, and only then does He offer us the understanding we seek. … With some things the heart must understand before the mind does.”