Nine by Gregory Owen

Nine Gregory Owen

Characters: ARCHIE..........a racoon MOLLY............a racoon Setting: Inside an RV at night.

(The dome light of an RV illuminates two raccoons, ARCHIE and MOLLY. ARCHIE is driving. MOLLY has a map. It appears to be a map from a Happy Meal or the back of a cereal box. It is dark outside. The RV is full of clutter.)

ARCHIE: You think we’ll be there by midnight? MOLLY: I don’t know. ARCHIE: What’s the map say? MOLLY: (turns the map around.) Tough to say. Take this next exit. ARCHIE: Roger that! MOLLY: Archie? ARCHIE: Ya, Molly. MOLLY: Do you ever wish we had salivary glands? ARCHIE: What do you mean? MOLLY: Salivary glands. ARCHIE: What? MOLLY: I’d like to be able to drool. I don’t know why. Ever since I was a little kit, I’ve just thought it would be fun to drool. Like when you happen upon the perfect garbage can, one of those silver ones with the lid skewed to the side because it is overflowing with delicious scraps. In that moment when you stop and just stare at it and all its glory before knocking it over. In that moment, I’d like to be able to drool. I think it would add to the moment. ARCHIE: Um, Molly, we DO have salivary glands. MOLLY: We do? ARCHIE: Of course we do. How do you think we keep our mouths moist? MOLLY: I, um, I don’t know. ARCHIE: What made you think we don’t have salivary glands? MOLLY: I don’t know, I just always heard we didn’t. ARCHIE: Nope. We’ve got ‘em. MOLLY: (moves her tongue around inside her mouth, tries to make spit, explores her salivary glands) I guess you’re right. ARCHIE: I usually am. I’m pretty smart. MOLLY: That’s why you’re my favorite partner in crime. ARCHIE: Damn straight! High five! (They high five) Rock-n-roll! MOLLY: Hey, did I show you the tin can I found yesterday? ARCHIE: No. MOLLY: Hold on, let me get it. (she gets out of her seat, scrounges among the

clutter, retrieves ain can.) Here it is! Pretty nice one. ARCHIE: Nice. What was in it? MOLLY: I’m not sure. The label is partially gone. It looks like a picture of a tomato on what’s left of the label, but the inside of the can tasted a little like fish. ARCHIE: Hmnnn...tomato fish. Fish tomato. Maybe fish with a red sauce. MOLLY: I’ve never heard of such a thing. ARCHIE: Oh sure, could be cod with tomato sauce or Greek baked fish with tomatoes and onions, or pan roasted fish with Mediteranian tomato sauce. Any number of things. MOLLY: Wow, where did you learn about all that? ARCHIE: I spent some time behind a Greek restaurant when I was younger. MOLLY: Wow! Sounds exotic! ARCHIE: It was a good time. Good food, good neighborhood. MOLLY: Why’d you leave? ARCHIE: The neighborhood went down hill. Too many dogs moving in. The restaurant got some fancy spill proof cans I couldn’t crack. It was time to move on. MOLLY: Cans you couldn’t crack? Really? Wow, those must have been some impressive cans! ARCHIE: I think they were titanium. I probably would have figured them out eventually, but I figured it was just as easy to move on. MOLLY: I see. Oh! Top five best garbage cans you’ve ever found: Go! ARCHIE: Okay, let’s see. Best ever was the one behind Hessam’s Fish Market. Guaranteed fish every day. I bet I gained two pounds from that can alone. Um, second would be the dumpster behind some college apartments in this little town in Missouri, one semester the whole place must have been full of college kids who bought groceries then never cooked. There was always tons of food in there. Third would be the afore mentioned Greek restaurant, before the titanium cans, of course. Fourth, let me see, fourth would be behind Lazy Guy Donuts, and fifth would have to be the house in Cedar Rapids that always had entire bags of scraps. I think it was a group home or something before the house next to it blew up and burned it down. You go. MOLLY: Okay, Best ever was the dumpster at the food court. Best variety of any place. Second was Cooper’s grocer store, always lots of good stuff there. Third would have to be the house up on the hill in that little town in Illinois, the lady there was a horrible cook so there were always lots of experiments thrown out. Fourth was this Chinese restaurant called Dragon Panda Good Good Food. Weird name but great trash cans! I think they had a buffet. And fifth is the dumpster by the drive-in. ARCHIE: Dragon Panda Good Good Food. I’ve heard of that place. I heard the human who runs it is actually not Chinese, and they play heavy metal music inside. MOLLY: Could be. I just know they had good trash cans. ARCHIE: How much further do you think? MOLLY: Um, I don’t know. Maybe a few miles, maybe a couple hours. Are you good to drive? ARCHIE: Oh, sure, I got a solid 12 hours today. I could drive all night.

MOLLY: Oh, good, because I’m still not real good with the clutch. ARCHIE: You’ll get the hang of it. If you want we can find a big parking lot somewhere and you can practice a while. MOLLY: Oh, that would be fun. ARCHIE: We’ll even set up some trashcans or something so you can practice maneuvering around and stuff. MOLLY: Awesome. Hey! Can we paint them to look like scared dogs so when I zip past them it’s like I’m zooming past dogs? ARCHIE: Um, I guess so. If you really want to. MOLLY: Cool! You’re the best! You don’t think it’ll put us too far behind schedule, do you? ARCHIE: Na, it’s okay. We’re making good time. (the RV hits something in the road, throwing both ARCHIE and MOLLY nearly out of their seats, ARCHIE loses control of the RV for a moment, but recovers) MOLLY:Whoa, what was that? ARCHIE: I don’t know, we hit something! MOLLY: Was it a dog? ARCHIE: I don’t know, whatever it was it was already in the road, I never saw it. MOLLY: I hope it wasn’t a Chupacabra. ARCHIE: What? Why? MOLLY: Those things are cute, I’d hate to think of one being all squished on the road and stuff. ARCHIE: Cute? Are you being serious? They’re scary. Have you ever met one? MOLLY: Well, not up close and personal, but come on, I mean, how can you not like them? ARCHIE: What do you mean? They’re scary and mean and kill things. MOLLY: No they aren’t. They’re cute. Almost cuddly. They’re adorable. ARCHIE: Are you crazy? MOLLY: What? They’re adorable. They’re like big cuddly mice. ARCHIE: Wait a minute. Are you sure you’re talking about Chubacabra? MOLLY: Ya, why? ARCHIE: Are you sure you don’t mean chinchillas? MOLLY: I don’t think so. But just in case, what’s the difference? ARCHIE: Chinchillas are members of the rodent family, they look like big mice, only cuter. They’re nocturnal and take sand baths. Chubacabra are like malnourished demon dogs who go around killing things and sucking their blood. MOLLY: Oh. (thinks about it) Maybe I am thinking of chinchillas. In that case I hope it was a chupacabra. If they are anything like dogs. ARCHIE: They’re worse. Dogs get a bad rap, and rightfully so in a lot of cases, but chupacabras are pure evil. Some people even say they are supernatural. Like demons. Others just say they are malnourished dogs with rabies. Either way. MOLLY: Oh, that is scary. That’s one of my biggest phobias. ARCHIE: What’s that?

MOLLY: Getting rabies. ARCHIE: Why? MOLLY: Because, you hear about it all the time. It seems like every time you turn around you hear about another raccoon who’s gotten rabies. ARCHIE: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it too much, most of the stories you hear about raccoons and rabies are not true. MOLLY: For real? ARCHIE: For real. We get a bad rap, but it’s mostly because people think we’re completely nocturnal. So when they see us during the day they think we must be sick. And when they think of a sick raccoon they automatically think of rabies. Not always true. MOLLY: Well, I’m going to be careful around rusty cans anyhow. Better safe than sorry. Archie: Rusty cans? What does that have to do with it? MOLLY: Well, that’s how you get rabies, from getting cut with a rusty can. ARCHIE: No, you’re thinking of tetanus. You get rabies by getting bit by someone with rabies. MOLLY: Oh. Are you sure? ARCHIE: Yup, I’m sure. MOLLY: Wow, you really do know a lot of stuff. How did you get so smart? ARCHIE: Mostly just from traveling around. Talking to a lot of animals. You pick a lot of stuff up. MOLLY: So what’s the most interesting animal to talk to? ARCHIE: Hmnn, let me think. I met a possum once who sailed around the world. MOLLY: Really? That sounds exciting! ARCHIE: Ya, he set off from Australia trying to sail to New Zealand but got blown off course and ended up sailing all the way around the world. MOLLY: Wow. So possums are the most interesting, huh? ARCHIE: Well, that one was. But I think overall I’d have to say cats. MOLLY: Cats? Really? Aren’t they all really pretentious? ARCHIE: Well, most of them are, but they’re pretty interesting. MOLLY: What makes them so interesting? ARCHIE: They’re the closest to humans. Well, them and dogs. But cats are better at learning things from them. They’re really good spies. Plus they usually get to live both inside with the humans and outside with the rest of us animals, so they get multiple perspectives on things. MOLLY: That makes sense, I guess. ARCHIE: But the most interesting thing is they have nine lives. MOLLY: Nine? ARCHIE: Ya, nine lives. MOLLY: You mean, they can die nine times and come back to life? ARCHIE: Ya, so they live nine times as long as everyone else and get to be really smart. I think that’s part of the reason they’re so pretentious. MOLLY: So, have you ever talked to a cat who’s died and come back to life. ARCHIE: I did meet an orange cat named Sebastian who claimed he got ran over by a car and came back to life once.

MOLLY: Wow, do you think he was telling the truth? ARCHIE: I don’t know, he seemed to be a pretty big drama queen, so it might have just been his tail that was ran over. Hard to tell. MOLLY: Still, wow. How neat would it be to have nine lives? ARCHIE: Oh, I don’t know, I think it’s better just having the one. MOLLY: How do you figure? ARCHIE: Well, with nine lives you wouldn’t really appreciate things as much because you’re not afraid of loss. With just one, you see the value of things more. You appreciate what you have today because you know it might not be here tomorrow. MOLLY: Wow, that’s really deep. You should write a book or something. ARCHIE: I’ve been thinking about it. Or maybe a Broadway Musical. Broadway needs a good brain piece. All the musicals today are no substance and all fluff. But I’m not sure anyone would come see it. MOLLY: I’d go see it. ARCHIE: Thanks. I knew I could count on my partner in crime. MOLLY: Any time. ARCHIE: So, how long do we take this road? MOLLY: As long as it lets us. (Throws the map out the window) ARCHIE: Did you just throw the map out the window? MOLLY: I sure did. ARCHIE: What’d you do that for? MOLLY: Because we only have one life, not nine. And it’s all about the journey, not the destination. ARCHIE: Damn straight! High five! (They high five) Rock-n-roll!

(ARCHIE hits the accelerator. They both lean back as the RV increases speed.)

(Lights out.)