UCLU'S LADS MAG GUIDE TO SMASHING BIRDS

UCLU’S LADS MAG GUIDE TO SMASHING BIRDS

Hey fellow sexbombs! Wanna get yourself some tailfeather? Follow this simple naughty guide for the best night of your life!

The Love Doctor

Get a cast iron club. Go to the London Zoo, and steal the skeleton key from the zookeeper’s office. Head to the toucan enclosure. Open the wire-mesh door using the key. Wield club. Aim club at one or several toucans. Smash their stupid brains out. Remove feathers. Fashion sexy tropical scarf. Drape around your elven neck. Go to Roxy. Chat up birds. Get laaaaaaaaid.

Wake up in some bird’s house. In morn’s subtle light scour rooms for a birdcage. Find and open birdcage. Fling helpless bird against windowpane. Hard. Extract feathers. Hard. Kneel gently by bird, crying crocodile tears. Wistfully contemplate ambiguity of the English language. Get laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid.