6 Autumn 2016 The Cheese Grater
A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka
7 Valuable Collective Nouns for Your UCL Day-to-Day
Now that the nasty woman Hillary Clinton has stopped bothering him, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-
Herd of Cattle? Gaggle of Geese? Murder of Crows? Too mainstream! Impress your friends with these lesser-known collective nouns.
When I see you, I see half of me And I’m attracted to that one half, my half. Okay, so I only want to date half of you, But I would date no halves of Tiffany Your breasts, they’re the best breasts You’d be nothing if they were average at best People are saying they’re above the rest A lot of polls are saying that I’m #blessed
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A Hurting Wallet of Society and Club Fees. A 101.9 “Classic FM” of Art History Students. A Trollface of Disturbed Asbestos. A Displacement of Drama Students. An Uneasy Silence of Tube Passengers. A Cheese Grater of Humanities Students. An Are You Kidding Me? of Lectures With, Like, 3 Hours Between Them That You Need To Hang Around For.
Honey, no one respects women more than me When I grab them by the pussy, I do it gently But only if I think they’re actually pretty Enough, wouldn’t want to touch anyone ugly Ivanka, let’s cut to the chase: I want to date you We can date sitting or standing or date in Trump Tower Has to be quick though, I’m on Fox in half an hour How I wish you were mine, why’d you marry that Jew? Love, Dad.
Trump (left) with daughter Ivanka (right) Collective noun: Ifshewasntmydaughter.
UCLU’S LADS MAG GUIDE TO SMASHING BIRDS Hey fellow sexbombs! Wanna get yourself some tailfeather? Follow this simple naughty guide for the best night of your life! The Love Doctor Get a cast iron club. Go to the London Zoo, and steal the skeleton key from the zookeeper’s office. Head to the toucan enclosure. Open the wire-mesh door using the key. Wield club. Aim club at one or several toucans. Smash their stupid brains out. Remove feathers. Fashion sexy tropical scarf. Drape around your elven neck. Go to Roxy. Chat up birds. Get laaaaaaaaid. Wake up in some bird’s house. In morn’s subtle light scour rooms for a birdcage. Find and open birdcage. Fling helpless bird against windowpane. Hard. Extract feathers. Hard. Kneel gently by bird, crying crocodile tears. Wistfully contemplate ambiguity of the English language. Get laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid.
42nd President of the United States, pictured here inside a seagull.
