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FROM THE PORCH SWING THE ONION
The European Space Agency was forced to announce today the failure of the Sun Labeling Mission. In typical fashion, the Agency announcement of the failure was a very short statement squeezed between two grandiose announcements of unprecedented aeronautical success. Not only did the Sun Labeling Mission (arguments still occur over whether it should be
to pronouncing the Sun Labelling Mission acronym. “The European Space Agency is justifiably proud of our scientific, engineering, and technical accomplishments before and during this mission”, he said. “The unfortunate social and political uproar over the goal of the Mission should not overshadow the hard work and incredible results of Agency employees and contractors.” Nevertheless, questions about the SLuM dominated the press conference but, to be totally
spelled Labelling or Labeling) come closer to the sun than any manned spacecraft ever, it also set a European record for total duration in space. Head of the Agency, Olaf Heffevissen, expressed frustration at the comments and questions from the press, attempting to redirect them from the ultimate failure of the SLuM, as some have taken
fair, more of the questions did relate to the goals of the mission, and fewer to the failure of the letters to fully deploy. Apparently unwilling to face that sort of questioning, neither the head of ECHA, Sergio von Vonnenburg, nor the head of the European Parliament Committee for Consumer Protections, Maria Breeya, attended the press
Dateline Brussels –
HCB MONTHLY | MAY 2020
conference. Ms Breeya, intercepted between the Parliament Building and her awaiting limousine was her typical brusque self. “It was a noble mission for noble purposes.” she rasped in her husky voice, “but you knew that already.” Señor von Vonnenburg, reached for comment at the golf course, was less able to avoid the press and much more expansive in his comments. “Ever since that unfortunate and oft-repeated remark to HCB about the sun being more carcinogenic than titanium dioxide, yet bearing no label warnings, it has been alleged that we regulators have been remiss in protecting the public. As the large number of skin cancers in Europe clearly indicate, many members of the public are unaware of the dangers posed by our sun. The idea of placing giant shades in the shape of letters between the earth
