Child Magazine | Durban November 2009

free

DURBAN’s

NOVEMBER 2009 Issue 29 Circulation 35 154

D U R B A N ’ s

b e s t

g u i d e

f o r

p ar e n t s

www.childmag.co.za

101

stepparenting homework

for or against?

scenes

the internet

from a mall

keeping children safe online

why it’s heaven on earth for your teenager

toddlers &

teenagers

family dynamics

health

education

entertainment

The sole purpose of our magazine is to make your life easier and happier...

Ju

If you are happy and sorted, we know your children will be too, and so the happiness grows…

We strive to offer support and solutions lia to your health, education and entertainment n, Lis dilemmas because, let’s face it, parenting is not aa nd Roby for the faint-hearted! And the last thing you want to n read in a mag is doom and gloom. Most of us are just trying our best – trying to be the best parent and partner … sometimes we win; sometimes we lose but through it all, we need support. I have found mothers to be the best and sadly the worst when it comes to support. Thankfully, I have a couple of amazing friends I can call up at the last minute to help with homework issues, lifts, sleepovers, bandannas or a packet of seeds we forgot to add to the shopping basket and need to hand in this morning!

For me, it’s all about what brings us together and that is the focus of our Toddlers and Teenagers issue, no matter what your children’s age gap.

On page 12, we look at the positive role step-parents can play in pulling a family together and, no, love just ain’t enough! On page 24, we explore the notion of raising assertive children. Children will have to learn to negotiate, reason and question situations if they are to cope in today’s competitive and often aggressive world. And that brings me to our feature on the internet on page 20. You know the joy of instant access to info and friends, but do you know how to keep your children safe while they surf for project material or connect with their friends? We willingly lay down rules for our children in the real world, shouldn’t we be doing the same online?

Only 60 days to Christmas, so let’s love November!

Hunter House P U B L IS H I N G

Publisher Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Editorial Managing Editor Marina Zietsman • marina@childmag.co.za Acting Features Editor Donna Cobban • features@childmag.co.za Calendar Editor Tracy Ellis • durban@childmag.co.za Editorial Assistant Lucille Kemp • lucille@childmag.co.za

monthly circulation Cape Town’s ChildTM 40 103 Joburg’s ChildTM 39 849 Durban’s ChildTM 35 154

to advertise Tel: 031 209 2200 • Fax: 031 207 3429 Email: dbnsales@childmag.co.za Website: childmag.co.za

Copy Editors Nikki Benatar Debbie Hathway

Art Senior Designer Samantha Summerfield • sam@childmag.co.za Designers Mariette Cowley Nikki-leigh Piper

Advertising Director Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Client Relations Client Relations Manager Michele Jones • michele@childmag.co.za Client Relations Consultant Cheryl Rowell • cheryl@childmag.co.za

To Subscribe Helen Xavier • subs@childmag.co.za

Accounts Helen Xavier • helen@childmag.co.za Nicolene Baldy • admin@childmag.co.za Tel: 021 465 6093 • Fax: 021 462 2680

durban’s

All our magazines are printed on recycled paper.

Free requested July 09 - October 09

Durban’s Child TM is published monthly by Hunter House Publishing, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010. Office address: 1st Floor, MB House, 641 Ridge Road, Overport, 4091. Tel: 031 209 2200, fax: 031 207 3429, email: durban @ childmag.co.za. Annual subscriptions (for 11 issues) cost R165, including VAT and postage inside SA. Printed by Paarl Web. Copyright subsists in all work published in Durban’s Child TM . We welcome submissions but retain the unrestricted right to change any received copy.

We are under no obligation to return unsolicited copy.

The magazine, or part thereof, may not be reproduced or adapted without the prior written permission of the publisher. We take care to ensure our articles are accurate and balanced but cannot accept responsibility for loss or damage that may arise from reading them.

November 2009

contents

november 2009

upfront

24

3 a note from lisa 6 over to you readers respond 7 readers’ blog you don’t need to break the bank when buying the teacher a gift

regulars 8 wins

features

9 health Q&A tips on how to prevent dehydration in your baby and toddler

12 the other parent being a step-parent is not for the selfish or those prone to jealousy, says Brigid Brown

10 upfront with paul what to do when your 10-year-old demands a cell phone?, asks Paul Kerton

16 it’s a mall world the mall is like a second home to your teenager. Laura Twiggs gives advice

11 health Q&A get rid of nasty mouth ulcers

20 safe to surf?

Donna Cobban explains how to protect your children on the Net 24 stand up, speak up!

Tracy Ellis looks at ways to encourage assertive behaviour in children

12

26 ADHD Donna Cobban shares some reallife stories of families who live with this disorder 30 the homework debate Claire Marketos and Lucille Kemp offer opposing views on whether your child should be given homework

16

32 the good book guide great new reads for the entire family 33 what’s on in november 38 last laugh the Discovery Channel taught Sam Wilson’s children more about nature than she ever could

classified ads 34 family marketplace 37 it’s party time

this month’s cover images are supplied by:

November 2009

Okaidi (Hyde Park, Joburg)

JK Kids Gear

Okaidi (Hyde Park, Joburg)

Contact: 011 325 4674

Contact: 021 551 8673

Contact: 011 325 4674

durban’s

durban’s

November 2009

letters

over to you when thieving becomes pathological I was shocked that Child Magazine did not notice that the above-mentioned article by Donna Cobban contained serious derogatory comments. The author writes the following and I quote “Some years ago, as a primary school teacher in Harare, Zimbabwe, I taught a class of economically marginalised misfits…” This statement is really shocking as it reveals the author’s attitude towards children. My question is: if the children are economically marginalised, is it their fault? Does this make them “misfits”? In my experience I have seen thousands of poor children rising out of poverty and playing important roles in society. This article shows me quite clearly that there are many teachers that should never teach as they are not willing to learn from those that they are teaching.

Heinz Hiestermann

Donna Cobban responds Dear Mr Hiestermann I am sorry you took offence to the term “somewhat economically marginalised misfits”. I think within the context of the article, the expression is not derogatory.

The term economically marginalised refers to those that have been marginalised on an economic level by society (certainly not through any fault of their own). The word “misfits” was used to describe the fact that they were a group of children who did not “fit” in with the rest of the school – within the context of the article I had hoped this would be apparent. I apologise if you did not find this to be the case. I wholeheartedly agree with you that being born into poverty does not prevent you from playing an important role in society – something I strongly encouraged in every one of those children, many of whom have gone on to achieve wonderful things despite the difficulties of their upbringing. I hope that I have gone some small way towards restoring your perception of the magazine and perhaps altered your view on the kind of teacher you imagine I once was.

Donna Cobban

and the food and décor was exquisite. They’ll make any occasion a special one. I had the tea on 19 September and combined it with my little girl’s fourth birthday party. We invited only moms and daughters and, needless to say, we had a ball.

Riana Botha

school admissions I’m responding to the letter in the October issue of Child Magazine called “school admissions nightmare”.

1. One has to live in the feeder area of the relevant school in order to be placed on an “A” list. If one lives out of the feeder area, one is placed on the “B” waiting list.

2. Children residing outside the feeder area were either living in the feeder area when application was made, or the school had enough spaces to accept children from the “B” list in order to fill the spaces.

3. Children who live in the feeder area are only turned away if the Grade has already been declared full by the relevant Department of Education.

4. Schools can ask for any form of proof of residence, i.e. metro services account or lease agreement. A renter is a bona fide resident of a feeder area.

5. Race has nothing to do with enrolments.

6. Where a parent works has nothing to do with enrolments, even if it is in the feeder area.

7. Moving is a strong option in order to place one’s child in the school of one’s choice.

8. Applications for Grade 1 are made between July and September of the year before, i.e. the year the child turns six.

9. There are quite a few schools where the principal does not interview the prospective parents or learners.

Hope this will help the parent.

Primary school secretary

narconon not what it seems In the September issue of Child Magazine, you provide the readers with contact details for Narcotics Anonymous and Narconon, among others, in the “horrible habits” article. I would just like to alert you to the fact that Narconon is a front for the Church of Scientology and not a bona fide organisation. They use the vulnerability of addicts and their families to lure them into their movement.

Additionally, their treatment of drug addiction is at best suspect and at worst dangerous. When contacted, Narconon usually attempts to deflect any suspicions that they are a front for Scientology.

Felipe Montoya

narconon responds lonely mom I felt as if the blog “the art of goodbye” by Tracy Ellis in the September issue was written for me. Apart from the fact that the writer lived in a foreign country, the entire blog applies to my life. She has won the war of the travelling spouse, but I am still in battle. I am a mom of 10- and five- year-old girls, and never miss an issue of your magazine. Thank you for letting us lonely moms know we are not alone. I also know that one of the main reasons moms endure this loneliness when our husbands work far away is being able to provide the very best for our children, with one full-time parent at home.

Vishay Ramdeyu

thanks!

I am a mommy of two hectically busy little ones – aged four and six. Being a children’s party fanatic, I go out every year and give my children huge birthday parties. In fact, I start planning the next party as soon as the current one has finished. Then I won the greatest prize in Durban’s Child Magazine – a tea party. Many thanks to Centre Piece Hire for the Victorian High Tea party. Stuart Mitchell and his team are very professional

November 2009

The latest report by the South African Community Epidemiology Network on Drug Use (SACENDU) has estimated that over 15% of the South African population has a drug problem, which makes this statistic one of the highest worldwide.

Narconon is possibly the largest global structure that is doing something about the drug problem and was started by William Benitez, an inmate of Arizona State Prison in 1966. As a structure we are very fortunate to be able to use the technology that was developed by humanitarian L Ron Hubbard, which is used by governments and religions all around the world. It is my understanding that one needs to follow one’s own truth, but ultimately you need to become part of a solution in the fight against substance abuse. Narconon has an effective drug rehabilitation programme and its success should be the only basis upon which it is measured or judged. And given its success, it has more than proved its bona fide status and has a vital role to play in this field.

Paul Kruger Narconon Johannesburg

durban’s

blog

the art of giving DREW BRIGHT believes teachers don’t judge their pupils

ILLUSTRATION: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

by the value of the gifts they hand over at the end of the year.

uying the perfect gift for the person-who-has-itall is very frustrating. Buying the right gift for your child’s teacher at the end of the year is sometimes downright impossible. What used to be a simple gesture of gratitude has turned into a contest – a competition among parents to see who can impress the teacher the most. As a parent I do not comply with conspicuous gift giving, but I’ve completely missed the boat so many times, that I’ve run out of ideas.

My daughter’s then-Grade 2 teacher used to be one of those plump, jolly people. Let’s call her Miss Brady. Miss Brady was always smiling; always ready to give hugs and share jokes. She enjoyed nothing more than a good tea party with loads of treats on offer. At the end of her year in Miss Brady’s class, my daughter proudly covered the box of Swiss chocolates in recycled newspaper, colourfully decorated with splashes of paint and glitter she applied

durban’s

herself. Two days later, I ran into Miss Brady at gym.

She’d been on a strict diet for two weeks, and had started working out (Good on you, Miss Brady!). I could only hope that in a moment of weakness, she at least savoured the chocolates before tackling her new fitness regime.

My happy-go-lucky sports-mad son has never been one who wanted to impress teachers. A bottle of water as a year-end gift for a teacher will do just as well as far as he is concerned. One year my son actually showed some interest and helped pick out a gift for his favourite teacher. I covered the new range of earth-friendly, heavenly-smelling body pamper treats in very pretty pink paper and he excitedly shoved the parcel into his gym bag like a pair of old socks and hopped off to school. A less than devil-may-care little boy returned home that afternoon. What transpired was the following: before school one rich little monster brandished his gift to the class – a R1 500 gift voucher to a luxury spa!

My son might be a world-class athlete in the making, but he is not stupid. When he returned home somewhat shell-shocked and I asked what was wrong, he feebly asked me how much the gift he gave his teacher had cost.

What I would like to know is: is this the norm? Are we

really compelled to break the bank when buying the teacher a gift? Do parents compare their gifts before giving to make sure they’re on par? Do parents realise that they are competing among themselves?

I asked some colleagues and friends what they do to show thanks to their children’s teachers at the end of the year. To my relief these moms understood the motivation behind giving the teacher a gift. One mom makes homemade chocolate fudge with her children. For them giving a gift they’ve helped create is far more special than a mysterious white envelope with a voucher in it. Another mom prefers to give the teacher something practical, like a wall chart that she could use in the classroom.

I believe that most teachers do not judge learners by the value of the gifts they proudly hand over at the end of the year. It is the child who suffers when the parents set a standard of “my gift is bigger than yours”.

Readers, this is your page – it’s a space to air your views, share a valuable parenting lesson, vent your frustrations or celebrate your joys. Send your writing to marina@childmag.co.za

November 2009

wins

giveaways

in november If the shoe fits…

Sweet thing Sugar Bay, located on a 16-acre private resort among the sugar cane farms of the KwaZulu-Natal North Coast, runs camps during the school holidays. When it is not holiday season, they invite school groups to join them for fun or educational school tours. These holiday camps are designed exclusively for children and teens between the ages of 7 and 17. For more information, or to book your child a place for the upcoming holidays, contact the Sugar Bay booking office: 032 485 3778, email holidays@sugarbay.co.za, or visit sugarbay.co.za Sugar Bay is giving away a spot for one child for one week at their holiday camp from either 27 December 2009 to 3 January 2010 or from 3 to 10 January 2010. The prize includes accommodation, meals and the chance to engage in over 100 activities. It excludes transport. This getaway is valued at R3 875. To enter, email your details to win@childmag.co.za with ‘Sugar Bay Win’ in the subject line, or post your entry to Sugar Bay Win, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010 before 30 November 2009. Only one entry per reader.

November 2009

The condition of your shoes says a lot about your personality and lifestyle. These elegant, singlestorage rectangular Perspex shoeboxes protect your footwear and are easy to store and access. Designed for men and women, the shoeboxes open like drawers and can be used individually or stacked on top of each other. Best of all, they’re transparent, so you’ll easily find the pair you’re looking for. For any interested retailers, Ultimate Shoebox is currently looking for a distributor in Durban. For further information call 021 423 4290, 082 348 3539, email ffg@tiscali.co.za or visit ffc-accessories.co.za or ultimateshoebox.com Ultimate Shoebox is giving away 10 women’s shoeboxes (two each for five lucky readers), valued at just over R110 each. To enter, email your details to win@childmag.co.za with ‘Ultimate Shoebox Win’ in the subject line, or post your entry to Ultimate Shoebox Win, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010 before 30 November 2009. Only one entry per reader.

Congratulations to our September winners: Laura Krumm who wins an Ackermans gift card; Gayleen Swan and Arlene Lieveaux who each win a Green Cross gift voucher and Deb Camilleri who wins the Toddler Sense giveaway.

durban’s

QA

health & drink up!

What are the signs of dehydration in infants and children?

PHOTOGRAPH: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

• • • • •

• Sunken fontanelle (soft areas on an infant’s skull, covered by membrane) • crying without tears a dry mouth and tongue a dry nappy for three hours or more fever irritability skin doesn’t flatten when pinched and released.

What are the causes of dehydration?

The most common cause of dehydration in babies and children is diarrhoea and vomiting associated with certain types of viruses or infections. Rotavirus is a type of intestinal illness that mostly affects children under the age of five and can lead to severe dehydration due to watery diarrhoea. In rare cases, excess sweating due to high-temperature conditions may also lead to dehydration in children. If your child is suffering from diarrhoea or vomiting, it is very important to prevent dehydration and the loss of electrolytes. Infants and small children are much more likely to become dehydrated than older children or adults because, relatively speaking, they can lose more fluid quickly.

durban’s

How do you treat dehydration?

The first step is to give your child fluids that contain electrolytes, which will bring your child’s body back into balance. Plain water, juice and fizzy drinks are not good for treating dehydration. The salt content of water is too low, while cool drinks and juices have a high sugar content and ingredients that irritate the digestive tract.

How can dehydration be prevented?

Dehydration is most common when children are losing more fluids (through vomiting or diarrhoea) than they are taking in. If you are able to get them to drink enough fluids (even very small amounts during diarrhoea or vomiting), you can often prevent dehydration. If you give your child too much to drink too quickly, it usually leads to more vomiting. Children should also be encouraged to drink before they feel thirsty, because mild dehydration occurs before thirst sets in.

When should I contact a doctor?

Contact your doctor, pharmacist, local clinic or hospital if your baby cannot take fluid by mouth, is becoming weaker and noticeably dehydrated, or if severe diarrhoea continues for 12 hours or more.

November 2009

upfront with paul

modern dilemmas

for little dilettantes

What to do when your 10-year-old feels she’s ready to enter the

Paul, Sabina and Saskia

i

have the most basic cellphone. It has no camera, holds no music, has a mono screen and no games. It’s more gooseberry than Blackberry and doesn’t know what an email is. I love it. It works brilliantly.

My daughter now wants a cellphone.

Quite apart from my argument that she has no need for a cellphone at 10, she doesn’t just want any old cellphone; it has to have a camera, an MP3 player, be able to pick up her emails and boast state-ofthe-art games. If it is an Apple – that’d be nirvana. Who does she think she is, the vice-president of Investec? Who’s going to email her? Who does she want to call?

10

November 2009

Is she going to sit in class texting her mates: “Hey P, Wotz ans 2 Q 7?”

In the excitement of modern living, combined with her hectic schedule, she forgets things – her swimming cap, ballet shoes, homework – so she’s definitely going to forget her cellphone. And if she doesn’t forget it I can imagine some goon thinking: “Oh look, a 10-year-old girl with an iPhone. Thanks I’ll just ‘borrow’ that”. It isn’t like we’re living in Switzerland.

She wants to join Facebook and MySpace. The lower joining age is 16 or, at least, 14, so I say: “You’ve got a few years to go yet.” Yes, it’s a fantastic way of keeping in touch with friends. But all her friends are at school or in Cape Town; it isn’t like she needs to keep in touch with family in Perth. So, my answer is: no way.

But does that make me a fuddyduddy daddy? Who cares? Dress up games on the computer is one thing, being exposed to some of Facebook’s and MySpace’s less desirable “groups” (of which there are multitudes), and even less desirable individuals (more than multitudes), is another. Also, Facebook makes people who should know better do the strangest things, like the wife of Britain’s head of MI6 posting pictures of hubby dearest frolicking about on holiday in his underwear. (Which, sadly, tells you a lot about where British Intelligence is heading.)

Another dilemma is sleeping over. You don’t really think about this until it’s in your face – usually when you are picking her up after a play date and saying goodbye to the parents. You have a foot out of the

gate and then: “Is it okay if I sleep over?” she asks all doe-eyed, putting you on the spot. Well, er, yes, Gemima is a nice girl and, yes, her mom is very sweet and loving … but her stepdad – he is, well, dodgy. It’s the fangs and the hooded velvet cape that put me off. What if they don’t serve the right food? Their idea of a well-balanced meal could be chocolate and salt-andvinegar chips.

Sleeping over is a real test of your own levels of prejudice, snobbery and cultural tolerance. And it works both ways.

“Cynthia says she can’t stay over because you once ate duck, which is her most favourite animal, and her mom says you drive too fast.” Ouch! That hurt.

Paul Kerton is the author of FabDad – a Man’s Guide to Fathering and 82 Mistakes Parents Make (With Their Children).

durban’s

PHOTOGRAPH: JILL BADER

world of high-tech cellphones and Facebook?, asks PAUL KERTON.

QA

health &

mouth ulcers What is a mouth ulcer?

Mouth ulcers are little sores that have a whitish-yellow appearance. They are found on the inside of the cheeks and can appear singly or in crops. At some time in their lives, more than 10% of the population experience them. In general, the larger they are, the more pain they cause. Women appear to get these when they are very tired, run down or premenstrual.

What causes mouth ulcers?

• Nutritional deficiencies – when the body does not get sufficient nutrients, the immune system becomes less effective and conditions like mouth ulcers are more likely to occur.

• Food allergies – wheat can sometimes cause mouth ulcers, especially if it is re-introduced into the diet after some time.

• Stress • Accidental trauma – if you knock yourself with a toothbrush or bump into something, ulceration may result.

• Fluctuating hormone levels – for example, around the menstrual cycle.

How can mouth ulcers be prevented?

• Take multivitamins and mineral supplements, especially extra vitamin C. • Make sure you are eating a balanced diet. If you still get ulcers, check that you are not allergic to anything.

• Consult your GP. If you still have a problem, they might prescribe a zinc-based mouthwash or hydrocortisone pellets or cream.

• Get enough sleep and try some relaxation exercises if you are stressed out. A weekend away could do wonders to make your mouth ulcers disappear.

• Eat plain food and drinks. Avoid spices and salt.

• Avoid acidic beverages such as orange juice.

• Using a straw can help bypass ulcers in the front of the mouth. Avoid very hot drinks.

• Use a very soft toothbrush to brush your teeth.

Is there a natural remedy for mouth ulcers?

Astringent herbs like sage and myrrh are especially helpful as they tighten up weak gums and loose teeth, and treat mouth ulcers. Sage disinfects the mouth, while myrrh speeds up the healing process. Use a sage infusion as a mouthwash, or rub the sore gums with the leaves or a powder form of the herb. Dab neat myrrh tincture onto mouth ulcers and infected gums hourly.

Should you consult a doctor?

PHOTOGRAPH: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

Most mouth ulcers are not the result of a serious illness and usually clear up without treatment, but if they do not heal within two or three weeks, consult your doctor or a dentist.

durban’s

November 2009

11

feature

other parent

the

BRIGID BROWN offers some tried-and-tested advice for those about to become step-parents.

f, as a step-parent-to-be, you are in any way uncomfortable with the thought that you are not only marrying your fiancé/e but also their children and to some extent their ex, you’d better think very carefully about proceeding.

Step-parenting is difficult and it is definitely not for the selfish, the self-absorbed, those prone to jealousy or neediness.

The good news is that contrary to what the fairytales would have us believe, not all steps are hated or barely tolerated; many enjoy wonderful, rewarding, loving relationships with their stepchildren. And how your relationship with your stepchildren turns out is mostly in your hands.

I f you were involved in any way, even just as a symptom, in the dissolution of their parents’ marriage, they will probably hate you. If you weren’t but you happen to be the first new, serious partner, they might also hate you. The only solution is to let time take its course and allow trust and a relationship to develop naturally. ou can’t blame the children. They did not create this situation. The grown-ups they trusted to provide stability Y and reassurance have, for whatever reason, destroyed what these children knew as home – it is of little consequence if the adults in that home were unhappy. Given a choice, they’d rather their parents were still together. Now, a stranger (that’s you) is being foisted on them. Wouldn’t you act up a bit? ou can’t usurp their position in their parent’s heart. This is not a competition you can win. You will only create Y undue heartache for yourself and your partner if you allow yourself even the slightest chink of jealousy. There are many kinds of love – your partner’s love for his children does not lessen what he/she feels for you.

“

ou cannot usurp their parent’s position. Don’t even go there. You are not their mother (or their father) and you never Y will be. You will (hopefully) be an adult friend they can rely on. (And the addition of your family to theirs means more presents at birthdays – I found that point played very well with our boys!)

It sounds daunting, but the way will be smoothed if you can accept the above facts. There are also two golden rules to step-parenting. I discovered the first on the day after my husband proposed to me. When I excitedly phoned my mother to tell her the news, her immediate response was: “Oh, those poor children!” When I asked her what she meant by that statement, Mom was vaguely contrite, but went ahead anyway: “Never forget that no matter how much they may like you, they would far rather their father was remarrying their own mother than someone else. It is their dearest wish and now they know it will never happen.” Children never really get over divorce. It’s more a matter of getting on with it, than getting over it. My grandparents divorced when my mother was 21. Mom did me a favour, though – in the moment when I was focusing on myself and my own happiness she reminded me of two little boys who were doing their best to live up to

12

November 2009

durban’s

PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

“

But I’ve come to realise that it’s a different kind of love. It’s a mother’s love.

And my stepchildren don’t need that from me – they’ve always had it from their own, wonderful mother.

ou cannot expect your stepchildren to love you – or that you’ll love them. You can’t even be sure you’ll like each Y other. All you and the children (including any stepsiblings) can expect from each other is respect (for their feelings, their space, their beliefs and their experience) – it comes down to basic manners and politeness.

durban’s

November 2009

13

the expectations of the adults in their world, despite those adults having turned that world upside down. And for all that I’d rather my mother had been giddily happy for me, she taught me an important lesson at the very moment I needed to learn it.

Seven words became my compass and they should be yours too: when you are in doubt about how to proceed, when you’re feeling put upon, when you’re not sure whether you’re being unreasonable or are entirely justified in your affront/hurt/rage, ask yourself “what would be best for the children?” When you put the

14

November 2009

children’s best interests first, the way forward becomes obvious. Sometimes it means that for you to continue to be the best step-parent you can be, you need time alone with their father (or mother); another time it might mean a weekend away for them – with their father (or mother) and without you; sometimes it means standing up to them and saying “no”; other times it means cheering them on – “yes, yes, YES!” Here is the other golden rule of step-parentdom: never, ever criticise either of the children’s parents in front of them, no matter what the provocation. You can rant and

“

“

Step-parenting is difficult and it is definitely not for the selfish, the self-absorbed, those prone to jealousy or neediness. rave to, or at, your partner but you may never divide the loyalties of those children, even if you’re right. Of course, your partner and his (or her) ex-partner should not criticise you in front of the children either.

There will be many disagreements in the years to come. There are disagreements in all relationships, and all relationships have their ups and downs. And the two subjects most likely to cause serious problems in a stepfamily are: discipline and money. Consider that the discipline of children and money matters cause the most gnashing of teeth in any marriage; now add an ex, sprinkle on a bit of guilt, season with a dash of jealousy and soak liberally in “But Mom lets us jump on the sofa”/“Dad always used to let us watch age-restricted movies”. It’s a recipe, certainly, but whether for disaster or success is up to the adults.

Money is a notoriously touchy subject to bring up even when you know everything else there is to know about your partner. But in this case, you do need to know where you stand. Just as sensible people sign antenuptial contracts, sensible steps-to-be should make themselves aware of

durban’s

the divorce settlement. You have a right to know where the (or his) home. Bear in mind though that if the children money of the estate you’re going to build together goes, are very young, it will make it easier for all concerned if and how much of it goes. Once you know that, how involved the rules (bedtimes, eating vegetables) are the same in you choose to be in money matters is a matter of personal both houses and as close as possible to what they’ve preference, but at the end of the day it is always known. As they get older they something that has been decided in a court will be able to understand the concept useful websites of law and obviously your partner should not of different rules for different houses. health24.com shirk his (or her) obligations.

Disciplining the children in your home familylife.co.za If you feel that he (or she) is overspending will at some point fall to you and famsa.org on the children, evaluate carefully what you and your spouse need to have parenting4dummies.com is in their best interest. If you still believe formed a strong partnership before step-parenting.com they are indeed being spoilt (perhaps in an it’s ever an issue. Together, you and attempt to make sure that the short time your new partner must agree to certain spent with them is as wonderful as possible), you might standards and how these will be maintained. You must gently suggest alternatives. agree on these, calmly, before they become an issue.

Learning the value of money is an important lesson for And your partner should make it clear to the children that children – perhaps the money could be put into investment when he (or she) is not around, you are in charge and they accounts for them instead, maybe they could learn to are to listen to you. make do with age-appropriate pocket money and one The delicate nature of topics that affect your partner’s treat from Dad (or Mom) per weekend. But be prepared children is why experts suggest counselling before the to approach this subject when the children are not in the marriage, in individual sessions and together as a couple. room and when you are both calm.

I’d add a group counselling session for all the adults Money matters should never be discussed in front of involved (exes included) so you know you’re all on the children (there’s nothing they can do about the resulting same page when it comes to disciplining the children. And worry you’re putting on their shoulders). It is especially top-up sessions with an independent facilitator whenever cruel to expect them to take your or your partner’s snarky these are required. comments back to their other parent.

There are myriad permutations on the makeup of the Similarly, you are about to set up a home together stepfamily. Each scenario comes with its own challenges and you have a right to run that home in a way that might for a step-parent. But if you put the children’s needs first be different from the way your partner’s ex now runs her and foster strong supportive relations between all the

durban’s

adults involved, you can’t go wrong. It will also show the ex-partner that you will not hurt their children or ride roughshod over their feelings (imagine how much the thought of a “wicked step” worries an ex).

By the way, what I said about not having the right to expect love … it’s true. All you may expect is respect. But if you’re very lucky, love does develop. I would kill for my stepsons. I did not have children of my own when I married my husband. Now that we do have two littlies I worried that maybe I love them more, and that my stepchildren are aware of that. But I’ve come to realise that it’s a different kind of love. It’s a mother’s love. And my stepchildren don’t need that from me – they’ve always had it from their own, wonderful mother. I love them in a completely different way, and I know they love me back, in their own way, too.

What a rare gift.

recommended reading Active Parenting For Stepfamilies by Michael Popkin and Elizabeth Einstein (Active Parenting Publishing, 2007) Two Happy Homes: A Working Guide for Parents & Stepparents After Divorce and Remarriage by Shirley Thomas (Springboard Publications, 2005) Stepparenting without Guilt by Maurine Doerken (Blue Dolphin Publishing, 2000) The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Stepparenting by Ericka Lutz (Paperback, 1998) How to Win as a Stepfamily by Emily B Visher and John S Visher (Brunner-Routledge, 1991)

November 2009

15

feature

it’s a

mall world Most tweens like nothing more than spending a day at the mall – without you. Don’t panic – just set some rules for your mallrat. By LAURA TWIGGS.

d

ianne*, 13 years old, says she comes here every Saturday during the term, and would spend every day here in the holidays, “if my mom would let me.” When I talk to her, it’s a beautifully sunny spring day in Cape Town and Dianne and a group of six or seven friends are hanging around the artificially lit food court at an upmarket southern suburbs shopping mall. When they’re not tapping furiously away on their cellphones, they’re checking out a group of guys across the way, giggling to each other, and taking careful note of what passers-by are wearing. “Look! Look!” says Dianne’s best friend Mandy*, suddenly intensely animated and focused. She elbows Dianne in the ribs with urgency. Then it’s, “No, don’t look. Don’t look. Is he looking at us?”

“He” is a boy of about 14, jeans slung low on his hips, his spanking-new big-brand sneakers making their own entrance. He joins a group of four boys dressed much the same, and they peer furtively out from carefully coiffed sideswept fringes over to where the girls are sitting while making a show of jostling each other.

As an adult, I regard malls as tedious places to shop conveniently, but clearly there is a lot more to malls in these young people’s lives. There’s a complex web of nuance, interaction, excitement and thrill that I’m witnessing, and I’m sure I’m only plumbing the surface of what’s really going on. I get the clear sense that I’m embarrassing them by hanging out with them, but they’re far too polite to say anything and, besides, I know Dianne’s mom.

American psychologists, who have spent decades looking into the psychology of mall culture, say that hanging out at malls peaks between the ages of 12 and 15, and that for young teens, the malls operate as a “third home”, after their house and school. Even though it might look like wasted time to us adults, it occupies a vital place in their lives. American associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, Kimberley Schonert-Reichl, goes so far as saying that it’s even a “developmental necessity”.

else can this age group (12–15 years) meet and “ Where view the opposite sex, see and be seen, and hang out

16

November 2009

It seems bizarre. Indeed, such thinking goes against many parents’ current instincts to keep their children away from malls. And, in light of the bad press teen activities in malls has had, as well as the several mall heists that have garnered enormous press attention, these instincts are understandable. But, they may not be in their children’s best interests. It is at this age (12 to 15) that the importance of peer perceptions and peer relationships are at their highest. And in our individualistic modern culture – with its absence of community spaces, its reliance on high walls and fortress-like homes, not to mention unsafe streets – the public and fluid space of the mall is the safest meeting space available. Where else can this age group meet and view the opposite sex, see and be seen, and hang out with friends – all vital developmental milestones?

Cape Town-based counselling psychologist Dr Rosa Bredekamp says that the mall has become our equivalent of the town square or the marketplace. “Children are born into families and a particular culture, from which they learn and develop their views of the world,” she says. “In our day and age, most Western societies are dominated by consumerism and easy access to amenities. The previous notion of the marketplace has changed and now we have malls in every city and town.”

Very interestingly, she reminds us that today’s tweens can’t be separated from technology, and that their needs develop around the constant, instant communication that is the fabric of their lives. “From very young, the children of today are exposed to computers, television and DVDs. They can communicate with one another via Skype, MXit and Facebook. Sometimes they don’t even know who they are talking to. But to them it means they are never alone; there is always someone out there ready to engage,” she notes.

In this context, the face-to-face and physical social contact that malls enable becomes even more important. (In three different Cape Town malls, I quizzed pre-teens and young teens about what they would be doing if they were not currently at the mall with their friends, and the vast majority said that they would either be playing games on durban’s

PHOTOGRAPHS AND ILLUSTRATIONS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

Generally speaking, toilets in shopping malls are located at the end of long and sometimes lonely corridors. Insist that your teens, boys as well as girls, visit toilets in pairs or preferably in threes. Remind them to visit the toilets before a movie starts as this is when toilets are busy. If they have to go during the movie, they must take a friend.

“

with friends – all vital developmental milestones?

durban’s

November 2009

17

Drop off your children and pick them up; don't let them make their own way to the mall.

Decide and agree on pre-arranged times, and on how much time your children may spend at the mall at a stretch. Don't accept loose arrangements, like: “I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

Don't use the mall as your “babysitter” service.

Be open about the dangers of meeting strangers in malls. Even if your children feel they know someone from Facebook or MXit, don’t allow them to meet anyone they have not met in person.

Use the time driving from the mall to talk about what happened during their time there.

If you are worried, accompany your children to the mall but don't attempt to hang out with them once there.

While they connect with their friends, go and see a movie or do your shopping, and agree on a designated meeting time and place away from their gathering spot.

Make sure your children agree never to visit a mall without your knowledge and consent.

Always know which of their friends they will be meeting, and ensure that you have met them before. Have the contact numbers of their closest friends.

Make sure you and your children know where the mall management office and security hub are located.

18

November 2009

their computers, using MXit, or surfing a social-networking site. Almost all of the boys I spoke to said they would most probably be playing war games. (I couldn’t help thinking that they were far better off hanging out with real-time friends in the food courts!)

And Dr Bredekamp agrees. “In the hustle and bustle of the mall there is a sense of energy and exhilaration; things children and teens enjoy. For them, going to the mall is like a mini vacation and they return to their lives feeling refreshed and relaxed,” she explains.

Despite what the news would have us believe, it seems that only a very small percentage of tweens get into trouble or engage in high-risk activities while visiting the mall. For most of them, it’s really about being “out there”.

“I don’t have to spend money when I’m at the mall,” points out 12-year-old Damian* at a large northern suburbs mall.

“My friends and I know that there are some troublemakers sometimes, but we avoid them. We come every weekend and we sort of know the security guards by now. We keep away from the older guys. When we try on clothes, we fold them and put them back properly. We don’t want to not be allowed in the shop next time. We all know one guy who has been banned from the mall. We wouldn’t want that to happen to us.”

However, Dr Bredekamp notes that parents need to be very aware of their children’s malling modus operandi. “When parents drop off their children at the mall, they believe their children will be safe,” she says. “This is not necessarily the case, and therefore parents should know who their children are meeting and what they are intending to do. They should set a time limit on how long the child may be in the mall. They should also place a limit on the amount of money the child may spend. We need to teach our children responsibility about money and spending. They should be taught never to wander off on their own or to talk to strangers.”

When parents drop their children off at the mall they “believe their children will be safe. This is not necessarily

“

mall rules

the case and therefore parents should know who their children are meeting and what they are intending to do.

A further thing to be vigilant about is that your child does not use the mall as a meeting place to hook up with anyone they have met only in the virtual arena of MXit or a social-networking site. Because of the dangers posed by this, it’s imperative – even if your children are allowed to enjoy the mall on their own – that the subject is an open one and that there is no secrecy around their mall activities.

And certainly, no matter how essential a bit of malling may be, it’s never a good substitute for family bonding. “Although children, in particular teens, like spending time with their friends, they also have a need to interact with their parents to feel loved and cherished,” says Dr Bredekamp. “Parents should find the time to engage with their children and preferably to expose them to a variety of experiences. Children need this for healthy development and personal growth. Children by nature are adventurous and enjoy the outdoors. Here, they can connect with nature and themselves, rejuvenate and be better equipped to deal with all the challenges they face in their daily lives. Furthermore, being together as a family allows time for discussions, bonding, and getting to know each other more intimately.”

The malling activities have their place, but time spent in malls should never erode gentle family time. “In a relaxed environment children open up and start talking about their joys, fears and concerns, so it’s vital that parents build this in.

It’s now that parents have an opportunity to listen and to guide and direct,” says Dr Bredekamp. “Malling should only be one aspect in their lives, which needs to be balanced. It’s only through balance that they gain a better understanding of the world and how to manage in different situations.”

As I leave the girls at the food court, their faces show visible relief. Dianne and Mandy apply lipgloss, and giggle as they pout at each other. It looks like “he” is about to come over, probably seeing my departure as his cue. The air is charged, and their energy and excitement is palpable, no matter how “cool” they may try to appear. I can’t help thinking that today, for them, nowhere else in the world could possibly be as full of significance and as thrilling as this mall, which for me is only about the tedium of shopping. And, as I depart, I experience a wave of gentle envy. *Names have been changed durban’s

durban’s

November 2009

19

feature

safe to

surf

DONNA COBBAN looks at the perils and pitfalls of the online world and

?

shares a few ideas on how to keep your children protected.

Children and teenagers can disappear from the real world long before they learn how to function effectively within it.

There are pages and pages of people’s “chats” about suicide – the best way (with doses of meds needed according to your body weight), the easiest method if you care about the loved ones left behind (death in a foreign country with no ID), and the least painful. (One youngster suggests carbon-monoxide poisoning, but another retorts you need an old clonker of a car with bad gas emissions for it to work properly. Not so, says another, my neighbour two doors down did it with a brand-new Audi.) Yes, these teens are mainly North Americans, but there are reasons the world is now called a global village – they may as well be two doors down. While many of them are clearly just addicted to

20

November 2009

durban’s

PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

few months ago I attended an informative event hosted by the Computer Society of South Africa (CSSA). The subject was “How to Keep Children Safe Online”.

Guest speaker Adrie Stander, senior lecturer at UCT’s Department of Information Systems shared some statistics, which were nothing short of alarming. Child pornography is on the increase, and hosting an illicit website is not that hard – you just have to change domains every half an hour or so and hop between servers in eastern European countries to avoid detection.

In addition to this, Adrie tells us, child-pornography sites are difficult to find as they are often encrypted and take place in “private rooms” (sites that are not available to the public). Adrie warns of the dangers of online “grooming”, where a paedophile will spend many months befriending children and gaining their trust. Addiction to child pornography, Adrie says, “is much like any other addiction – the more you use it the more you need it. It is not unusual to find over 600 000 images of child pornography on an addict’s machine.”

I sit quietly, listening to the sad statistics – the number of sexual predators removed from Facebook last year was 90 000, yet the number of specialised police personnel assigned to cybercrime in our country is 30!

That night, I pondered what life may have been like if the internet had been around when I was a teen and what I might have chosen to Google way back when. Slowly I type the words, “I want to die” into the Google search bar and sit back. (While I was not an unhappy teen, I was at times angry and frustrated and had a keen sense of melodrama.)

My Google results are initially disappointing, but after a few jumps back and forth between a few broken links and a few dead ends, I am in a suicide-cult site.

While we willingly lay down rules for our children in the real world, shouldn’t we be doing the same online?

the drama of the idea of an early death, there will sooner or later be some who are serious in their quest to end their life.

My stomach churns, I want to drop this research and run. I leave the site filled with a deep sense of sadness and turn to another popular topic “pro ana”. I type the words into my search bar and wait, all the while wishing I was doing something else. Pro ana is a term for the promotion of anorexia – websites have been set up so teens can encourage one another towards self-starvation. A kind of flipside to the standard support groups, these are “let’s help you destroy yourself” groups.

One site gives me dire warnings about being 18 before I enter and even threatens me with some federal law, should I not be. I click, no-one encourages me not to eat, but I am in a world where fat is the enemy, psychologists are the anti-Christ and food is the new bubonic plague. Any young teen with weight issues who stumbles across this site is heading for more than just body-weight troubles.

The blurred boundaries between a child’s online world and the real world are another reason for parents to start paying more attention to what their children are doing. Children and teenagers can disappear from the real world long before they learn how to function effectively within it. As was the literal case in a small village in Wales, where 13 suicides durban’s

November 2009

21

took place within the early part of 2008 – most of the young victims knew one another. A suicide pact was suspected and what soon transpired was that they had all spent hours on the social-networking site Bebo – where the opportunity to have an internet-memorial wall made in their honour was one of the suspected motivating factors.

The majority of these young people did not suffer from depression and their decision to die came as an utterly devastating surprise to their parents. One of the mothers knew that her son spent time on Bebo where he had a page, but she added: “I have no idea how to get on these sites or what the children are talking about.”

While we willingly lay down rules for our children in the real world, shouldn’t we be doing the same online? We are careful not to let our young children out of our sight in a shopping mall, and we lay down strict curfew times for teens, yet online we allow them to wander about alone.

Most good filtering systems can block pornographic sites, hate sites and dodgy chat rooms, and they give you the option to stop things like over-age online games.

Lourentius van der Westhuizen certainly thinks so, and it was the words of one of these very parents that motivated him to develop netparent.co.za, an application he has been working on for over a year and which was recently launched.

Netparent.co.za allows you to load a list of words or information relevant to your child onto a customised dictionary, which will then trigger an alert and send you an SMS when one of these listed words is either typed, present on a website, or is received or sent within the body of an email. You are then given the option of remotely blocking or unblocking the screen on your computer via SMS, should you deem this necessary. While some parents may welcome the ability to silently and secretly monitor their children’s internet activity, Van der Westhuizen prefers transparency, adding: “You should let your children know you are trying to protect them, and not spy on them.”

When talking to fellow parents of active internet users, I am alarmed to discover that not many parents have any filtering software loaded. “I trust them” is the most common response. That may well be so, but can we trust the internet not to unwittingly open up a page of disturbing pornographic images when all your 10-year-old is looking for are the mating habits of mice?

Most good filtering systems can block pornographic sites, hate sites and dodgy chat rooms, and they give you the option to configure an application to stop things like gambling and over-age online games. “But,” say the doubters, “they’ll just find a way around it.” True, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t, at least, try to protect them.

In addition to over-the-counter filters, Windows Vista comes with a built-in parentalcontrol function that is located in the control panel. Another handy feature that helps to filter content is on the Google page where, under internet options, you can click on Content, which then enables the Content Advisor. Here, you can filter out violence, nudity, tobacco, drug and alcohol images, as well as a whole host of other nasties. Access to both these methods of parental control should be password-controlled and limited to the computer’s administrator account.

If your family is a bit chaotic, like most, you may find that one child grabs your laptop to search for something quickly, while you attend to dinner and letting the dog out and a host of other household chores. All this, while another child has maxed out his social-networking time on the upstairs computer. A possible alternative to this scenario is to get each child the latest Classmate PC by Intel. It’s not often I get excited by technology, but this little laptop can be hauled out and used on the kitchen floor. The screen swivels

22

November 2009

durban’s

360˚, so you get to look at cool stuff with useful websites them, check up on homework, keep them netparent.co.za grounded in real time and keep stirring the risotto. It’s robust, and the screen safekids.com won’t crack easily. And when you slam it netsmartz.org shut, it turns into a writing tablet. It comes commonsensemedia.org with state-of-the-art access management, wiredsafety.org allowing you to set limits on time and defendyourchild.com access. And it’s not that pricey!

So you have done what you can in terms of filters, but they still need daily guidance. Teens, especially, don’t self-sensor and that funny pic of Mark Harvey’s bottom at the latest sleepover gets downloaded, sent around and pasted onto a few social-networking sites – even little Mark thinks it’s kind of funny. What Mark doesn’t consider is that in the not-too-distant future, his CV may be lying on his chosen employer’s desk, his cum laude law degree ripe for the picking, until that potential employer goes on to pipl.com to check Mark out. That pyjama-party picture might well lose him the job of a lifetime.

Then there is the time factor – if we monitor mall time, bedtime and TV time, then so too should we monitor online time, particularly when it comes to social networking. British psychologist Dr Aric Sigman certainly believes that this is where the true danger of internet use lurks. Commenting after the Welsh suicides in 2008, he noted that: “The damage done by displacing key periods of emotional and social development with time in front of a screen doesn’t have the sense of dramatic risk that internet paedophilia does. The effects may seem vague, but they are reaching far more children. Yet the penny only drops when there is a school massacre or suicide by internet.”

report any child-abuse images or text, visit: fpbprochild.org.za/ReportAbuse.aspx or call them on 0800 148 148 saps.gov.za/children/child_abuse.htm virtualglobaltaskforce.com durban’s

November 2009

23

feature

stand up, speak up!

TRACY ELLIS looks at ways to encourage assertive behaviour in children, while ensuring that aggression remains at bay.

assertiveness versus aggression Use these examples to talk to your children about the correct way to assert themselves If a brother or sister snatches your book Aggressive: “Give me my book NOW!” Assertive: “I’m busy reading that book. Please give it back to me and when I am done you can have it.”

Passive: “Take the book. I don’t need it anyway.”

A friend at school keeps calling you a silly name and you don’t like it Aggressive: “Call me that again and I’ll thump you.”

Assertive: “I don’t like it when you call me that. If you do it again I may choose not to play with you.”

Passive: Cries and walks away.

Someone asks a favour of you but you are too busy Aggressive: “No, I’m busy. Do it yourself.”

Assertive: “I really can’t do it today but I might be able to help you another time.”

Passive: “Sure. I’ll stop what I’m doing.”

24

November 2009

black and white. In fact, most of it is grey and, whether we accept it or not, we negotiate, reason and question situations every day of our lives and we all benefit from asserting ourselves appropriately.

So, why not teach our children these skills and equip them to cope in today’s fast-paced and often aggressive world? The world our grandparents grew up in – where the idea that children should be seen and not heard – doesn’t quite cut it in today’s world. That said, there is a difference between being assertive and aggressive. How do we teach our children to be assertive without adding to the worldwide epidemic of disrespectful, rude and obnoxious youth?

While channel surfing recently, I happened across celebrity psychologist Dr Phil giving an explanation on the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

He described an assertive person as someone who gets what they need but with respect to the rights of others, whereas an aggressive person gets what they need at the expense of another person.

I have never been a die-hard Dr Phil fan but I thought his explanation summed it up pretty well. It all boils down to respect – for others and for ourselves.

Michele Perkins, a counselling psychologist based in Durban, runs self-esteem workshops for children. She believes being respectfully assertive is linked to a healthy self-esteem. She feels parents have a vital role to play in teaching their children to be assertive. “Parents need to role-play and practise social conversations with their children,” she says. “Stay connected to them by asking specific questions about their day and then be real with them by using examples from your own life to help them figure out the best way to deal with a situation they are facing.” She continues: “There is an appropriate time for being assertive. It is perfectly alright for a child to challenge an adult, but they need to wait for a gap in the conversation. Tone of voice is also important.”

In my own family, I have tried to teach my children that no-one has the right to make them feel guilty, ridiculed or scared, that they are allowed to change their minds, to say “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” and to make mistakes. I also reinforce that anger is an acceptable feeling but it is not an effective tool for being assertive.

How do we teach our children to be assertive without adding to the worldwide epidemic of disrespectful, rude and obnoxious youth?

durban’s

PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

r

ebecca, a 36-year-old mother of two, was faced with a difficult situation when her eldest daughter Katie started Grade 1. Katie has been raised to respect adults, and although a little bossy with her friends, by nature she is a responsible and honest child, who has never been in serious trouble. Shortly into the first term, she was given a detention slip by her teacher for causing a ruckus in the school bathroom.

Katie arrived home in tears and explained that a classmate had been slamming the toilet doors for fun.

She asked her to be quiet but the girl did not listen. Katie issued a louder warning but the girl continued. At the exact moment the teacher entered the bathroom, Katie was standing with her hands on hips, yelling at her classmate to stop. The teacher reprimanded Katie but when she tried to explain she was promptly shushed and issued with a detention slip. Katie was devastated, as she was trying to warn her classmate of the outcome of her behaviour, and now she was being punished.

Rebecca was equally upset. Why hadn’t Katie been more assertive? She should not have been intimidated by her teacher and should have insisted respectfully on being heard. Rebecca contemplated confronting the teacher herself but she also backed down as she did not want to be “one of those interfering parents who does not respect the teacher’s authority”. She decided to let Katie go to detention in the hopes that, if nothing else, she would learn to stay away from disruptive classmates in future and not attempt to rescue them from themselves.

But as valuable as that lesson may have been, it would not teach Katie how to speak up for herself when dealing with authoritative figures.

Malcolm Gladwell, in his latest book, Outliers suggests that talking things through with our children, reasoning and negotiating with them, and expecting them to talk back and question us, teaches them how to interact comfortably with adults and to speak up when they need to. They learn that it is alright to assert themselves, even when that person is older or an authority figure.

I once believed you should never allow your children to reason or negotiate with you – you should stand your ground and let them know that you are the parent and they are the child. But I now see that parenting is not all

Perhaps we need to be aware of what we are modelling as parents. Our children are highly impressionable imitators and they are watching our every move. Do you look people in the eye when you speak to them? Do you yell at your children to get results? Do you give in to others against your inner voice? Examining our own behaviour is often a great starting point to understanding why our children are either too passive or too aggressive. Perhaps Rebecca should have intervened in Katie’s situation and modelled assertive behaviour?

Helping our children to become assertive will improve their self-confidence as well as their ability to make choices and follow through on them. It will help them to withstand peer pressure and may well save them from being targeted by the school bully. In turn, it will help them with the concept of compromise and how to take other people’s feelings into account. And ultimately, a strong sense of self will help them succeed in whatever they put their hearts, minds and efforts into.

durban’s

November 2009

25

feature

ADHD DONNA COBBAN shares some stories from the frontline

t

hese days, many parents of children with endless amounts of energy live in silent fear that soon after the start of Grade 1 the teacher will call and suggest there might be more to your children’s wild shenanigans.

“Perhaps,” says the clipped and curt tone, as she cuts to the chase, “perhaps, your child has ADHD?” What follows leaves you floundering, as the pressure builds for a swift diagnosis in order to stem the tide of your wild child.

Denise* knows this feeling well and she now spends every afternoon on the turf of the local park with her son, seven-year-old Jack*. They have skipping-rope races, play beach bats, which have been renamed “park bats”, and they run – after soccer balls, golf balls and one another.

26

November 2009

After dribbling the ball home, they collapse exhausted through the front door. “I do this religiously,” says Denise.

“Perhaps,” says the clipped and curt tone, as she cuts to the chase, “perhaps, your child has ADHD?” “Sure there are days when I think I can’t stand another round of plastic golf – but the payoff is too great because if we miss an afternoon of wild abandon, you can be sure that the next day, the teacher is going to bear the brunt of that unspent energy. Which is unfair, to Jack, who needs

to learn, and on his dedicated teacher, who needs to teach another 24 children effectively.”

After extensive testing, Jack was diagnosed with ADHD last year and through a combination of diet and exercise, he takes no medication and copes well in his mainstream class. This is one of the good stories – comprising a good teacher-parent relationship and little medical intervention.

Yet sadly Jack and Denise are an exception to the norm, as the diagnosis and understanding of ADHD is, by and large, fraught with misunderstanding, misdiagnoses and miscommunication.

The reasons are perhaps historical, with their roots laid firmly in North American soil. It was here that

durban’s

PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

of the ADHD battlefield, along with some possible solutions.

medical-insurance companies started pushing doctors towards a quick diagnosis, forcing doctors to label the condition in order to cut the costly bills coming in from therapists, heavy-metal and allergen testing, and dieticians, to name a few. “Give them Ritalin and let us (and them) reap the rewards,” seemed to be the general cry. What followed was an unprecedented explosion in script writing, resulting in nearly four-million young North Americans using the drug to manage their ADHD. Here was a Schedule II drug being used to calm six-year-olds.

There were mixed reactions: it was met with anger, and also welcomed with relief.

Paul* is one of those children for whom Ritalin was a blessing. His mother Anna* had tried the homeopathic route to no avail, tried the diet, tried the chiropractor. Then after much deliberation and paediatric consultation, she decided to try Ritalin. “While we were worried about all the negativity surrounding Ritalin, we decided that if his self-esteem was to be saved, we had to help him no matter what.” The results, she says, were nothing short of remarkable: “The Ritalin worked immediately and he was a changed child. Over time, he managed to enter mainstream schooling, with an

durban’s

the ADHD child is: • curious; quick witted; thinkers; aware of surroundings • independent; assertive; energetic; mediator • comic-timing; intuitive; bright; brave • enthusiastic; impulsive; strong willed; fearless • determined; sharp; intelligent; sensitive • achieving; doing many things at once; inspiring • creative; opinionated; fascinating; critical • challenging; flexible; imaginative; inquisitive • funny; questioning; cute; bright; laid back • loads of energy; an original thinker; a spokesperson.

Courtesy of Heather Picton increased dosage of Ritalin to help him with the longer day.

With the help of supportive teachers, friends, family and Ritalin, Paul ended his high-school career on a real high – when he was given the Perseverance Award at prizegiving. But what really mattered was the standing ovation he received from the school along with the tears of joy shed by his teachers.

Today, Paul is a well-adjusted young man and free from medication. He attends a practical course at college, where he is top of his class for the first time in his life. One of the advantages Paul had over many young children today is that there wasn’t an urgent rush to label the condition – at least three independent assessments conducted by experts were needed before the ADHD diagnosis was given.

November 2009

27

Heather Picton, founder and CEO of the Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Support Group of Southern Africa (ADHASA), believes that many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed as there are “many other conditions and situations, such as divorce, stress, illness, sensory difficulties, learning difficulties and others that could produce similar symptoms”.

Elaine* and her son William’s* journey is a perfect example of this. Having been an overly active child in Grade 1 and 2, Grade 3 seemed to up the scales altogether. “The teacher,” explains Elaine, “had been attending some local talks about ADHD and felt she was in a good position to diagnose a child with hyperactivity problems. At one point she gave it to me in writing that ‘whatever homeopathic drugs William was on were not working and it was time to move on to Ritalin’.” Elaine also suspected that a recent accident her husband and William had been involved in was a contributing factor to William’s “acting out” behaviour. But

the teacher was insistent that ADHD was the issue at play, so Elaine took William to be assessed by a psychologist, specialising in ADHD. After a few costly sessions, the tests clarified that although William was a busy child, he did not suffer from ADHD. Elaine was delighted and a year on in Grade 4 William is doing well. When Elaine asked William’s current teacher if she had read his file from last year, the teacher smiled and told Elaine that she prefers not to read a child’s file until well into the year.

Lana*, mother to Josh*, has a rockier tale to tell. She was a bit taken aback when her son’s teacher called her in and told her she thought he should be assessed as his handwriting and reading were not up to scratch. Lana was less than worried – so what, he’s left-handed, all lefthanders are messy writers. But she took him anyway and was speechless when the psychologist told her he had ADHD. “But he has never seemed hyper,” she argued with the psychologist. “It’s his brain that is hyper not his body,”

“is It’shyperhisnotbrainhisthatbody.

“

a few successful ADHD folk Albert Einstein Galileo Mozart Wright Brothers Leonardo da Vinci

28

November 2009

Walt Disney John Lennon Winston Churchill Henry Ford Stephen Hawking

Alexander Graham Bell Hans Christian Andersen Thomas Edison Agatha Christie Whoopi Goldberg

Thomas Thoreau Dustin Hoffman Robin Williams Louis Pasteur Beethoven

durban’s

was the response. But Lana was still not convinced. While he would have regular tantrums and sometimes wreck his room, she had attributed this upset to her recent divorce.

But the psychologist told her, this was ADHD at work – resulting in his frustration at not being able to cope like other children.

So with much trepidation and with the sole motive of improving her son’s quality of life, she got a Ritalin script from a paediatrician and headed down a road she is now sorry she tried. Josh’s school work saw immediate improvements, but his personality shifted. He became withdrawn, rarely laughed and shed four kilos in six months. Lana recalls the days where Josh managed to eat breakfast and swallow his pill – resulting in a loss of appetite throughout the day until the pill’s effects wore off, after which he was able to eat again. The other side effect was insomnia. With each return visit to the paediatrician, they were told it was the dosage that needed adjusting and then all would be well. But after six months of trying, and when Josh stopped growing (another common Ritalin side effect), she stopped giving him the drugs and started to explore other avenues.

One popular avenue among ADHD sufferers is to change the diet and to eliminate all synthetic food dyes, artificial flavourings, and synthetic antioxidants. According to the Feingold Association, which promotes the use of the Feingold diet, “Humans have a remarkable ability to tolerate exposure to harmful substances, but we’re not identical, and some of us can handle more than others.”

This explains why the same diet won’t necessarily work for

durban’s

all ADHD children and perhaps too why Ritalin works for some but not all. Some children, it claims, may just have an allergy to an abnormal substance in the food or in the environment, and may not have ADHD. Not hard to believe when you look at their list of E numbers and additives to avoid. So there it is again – the possibility that your child can be easily misdiagnosed.

According to Heather, “A diagnosis of ADHD should only be given by a psychologist, neurodevelopmental paediatrician, child psychiatrist or neurologist, and is usually based on the guidelines laid down in the DSMIV R. (Diagnostic Statistics Manual IV Revised). She is steadfast in her belief that it is far too complicated a diagnosis to be given without a thorough investigation of the presenting symptoms. She goes on to tell me that ADHASA believes in a holistic approach. She believes that medication and therapy may be part of the treatment but adds, “many children’s symptoms might be alleviated if a few changes are made in the child’s lifestyle – from exercise and healthy eating to feeling wanted and loved in the family circle. Ideally,” Heather concludes, “this should be a way of life in families, whether the child has challenges or not, whether the child is on medication or not. Our modern lifestyle is supposed to give a better quality of life but in many ways we and our children are losing out on the essentials.” *Names have been changed Throughout this article the abbreviation ADHD has been used, as this is the official term used in the DSMIV R.

But what really mattered was the standing ovation he received from the school, along with the tears of joy shed by his teachers.

suggested reading Teaching and ADHD in the Southern African Classroom compiled and edited by Anita Decaires Wagner and Heather Picton (Macmillan, 2009) Hyperactivity and ADD: Caring and Coping by Heather Picton (Wits University Press, 2005) The Manual That Never Came With Your Child by Debbie De Jong and Jane Jarvis (Struik Publishers, 2008) How to cope with ADHD: A South African Guide for Parents, Teachers and Therapists by Helena Bester (Human and Rousseau, 2006)

recommended websites heather.picton.nom.za adhasa.co.za feingold.org

November 2009

29

big issue

the homework

debate

NO

Claire Marketos

Mom of an eleven-year-old girl and a boy of six, Claire Marketos is also a qualified teacher with an honours degree in psychology. She is presently a parenting and educational consultant.

Fifteen years ago, when I was a teacher, I gave my learners homework because that is what a good teacher did, without stopping to question whether homework was, in fact, beneficial for them. Now as a mom of a sixth grader, I can see how homework interferes with my daughter’s life at home, and wish to apologise to former students and parents for my naïvety.

We’ve heard parents grumble in the school parking lot about homework dominating family life and most of us are familiar with arguments with our youngsters over it.

“I hate doing homework. It’s boring,” children lament.

“Just get it done,” parents tell their children, although instinctively we know that youngsters are stressed and anxious because they do not have enough free time to pursue their own interests and to be themselves. Despite all the negativity surrounding homework, parents and teachers still support it because they convince themselves that there must be some benefit to homework, even though they can’t see it.

Research by Professor Harris Cooper of Duke University, North Carolina (in 1989 and 1999) shows that there are “no academic benefits from homework in elementary school.” In other words, homework doesn’t help children learn better.

Then why give it?

Some parents say homework helps them to see how well their child is doing in class and is a way of communicating with the teacher. Surely teachers could send the child’s class work home and communicate with parents through notes and phone calls, rather than assigning homework everyday, Alfie Kohn suggests in his book The Homework Myth.

Others contend homework prepares children for the future by “developing good work habits”. Yes, if they plan to work alone on a dreary, compulsory job, which they have no say or interest in, Kohn points out.

Some teachers say they assign homework because they do not have enough time in the school day to complete the prescribed curriculum. Kohn suggests “more hours are least likely to produce better outcomes when understanding or creativity is involved.” By working smarter rather than harder, teachers can get through the prescribed work without assigning homework. How much time do we need for learning to take place?

“BGUTI ­– Better Get Used To It,” parents tell their children. Life is full of things we have to do even if we don’t like it. That is true, “but what are we willing to do to our children in order to teach them this?” Kohn asks. “Perhaps being in school seven hours a day is demanding enough?” BGUTI-type thinking also teaches children to accept the status quo in life rather than seeking alternative ways of doing things.

Children have a natural innate curiosity to seek out the information they need. We should listen to what our children are telling us and find ways to nurture their love for learning rather than giving them homework because it is something that has always been done.

30

November 2009

durban’s

ILLUSTRATIONS: MARIETTE COWLEY

We should listen to what our children are telling us and find ways to nurture their love for learning rather than just giving them homework.

Should children be given homework?

CLAIRE MARKETOS and LUCILLE KEMP offer opposing views on this heated topic.

YES

Lucille Kemp

Lucille Kemp is Cape Town’s Child’s calendar editor. She graduated from the University of KwaZulu-Natal with a B Soc Science degree, majoring in English and Media & Communication.

Homework is the platform for learning, and learning is meant to be pleasurable.

When I came across the statement “say no to homework” a few months back, I was outraged. I’m usually all for change in the name of progress but, try as I did to apply my mind to this plot to stamp out homework, like anti-cellulite cream, it smacked of faddish hype.

In its purest form, homework is a learning tool that allows children time and space to learn at their own pace under the guidance of a parent, which prepares them for the outside world as much as the school experience itself. Homework equips children with the ability to persevere, think independently, manage their time, be self-reliant, confident and self-disciplined.

When parents know how to help their children, homework can be viewed in much the same way as a remedial class – that time outside the classroom that provides children with another opportunity to arrive at their light-bulb moment. When children understand, they feel motivated and in control, and school becomes fun.

Sadly, this is not the reality of most homework because often there is just too much, it’s too difficult and it’s boring.

Homework as we know it only begs a little quality and quantity control. Children shouldn’t be negotiating reams of homework long after their attention span has dwindled. They should be given a winning chance by doing assignments that have well-defined instructions and a clear outcome. Work that means something to children will hold their involvement and motivation levels.

Ken Resnick, a Joburg-based educational psychologist with 20 years’ experience in helping children with learning problems, emphasises that, “for children to stay stimulated they need to know why they are being asked to do a particular task.

Homework is not the problem; the issue needs to be looked at more holistically. I have seen time and again a parent’s positive approach towards homework impact remarkably on the child’s own attitude.”

Ken believes issues with homework start at home: “Children struggling with their homework stems from a parent not understanding what they need in order to learn, and a lack of discipline.” On the other hand, “motivated and confident children will know that giving up is not an option if they are to feel good about the end result.

In turn, they will bravely take on a challenge because their natural fervour for learning has been fostered by parents who know when to get involved and when to back off.”

Learning is meant to be pleasurable, and homework is a platform that teaches the qualities that will help make this experience a rewarding one. Furthermore, children who embrace homework are learning to learn on their own steam and will be able to rely on their own capabilities that much more. Working independently on a late-night project due on the boss’s desk the next morning is a reality for many – something homework may go a long way towards helping.

durban’s

November 2009

31

books

the good book guide for toddlers

for early graders

Little by Little

By Amber Stewart & Layn Marlow

Bettina Valentino and the Picasso Club

By Niki Daly

(Oxford University Press, R94) Scramble the otter can’t swim, which is a bit of a problem. Have you ever heard of an otter that cannot swim? There are plenty of things on his can-do list, but on his can’t-do list, swimming remains his biggest obstacle. Little by little, he becomes more confident in the water and, soon, with the help of his sister, he is splashing about with his friends. At the heart of this gentle story about learning a new skill is its message of encouragement for toddlers. As Scramble’s sister says: “You see. You started small … and finished big.”

Thomas & Friends: The Railway Stories Read by Michael Angelis

audio book

(BBC Audio, R132,95) These three stories from the bestselling Railway Series are read by Michael Angelis, the narrator of TV’s Thomas & Friends series. Stories included are Four Little Engines, where little ones are introduced to four new engines: Skarloey, Rheneas, Sir Handel and Peter Sam; Percy the Small Engine: Percy is the youngest and probably cheekiest of all the engines; and The Eight Famous Engines, where Percy’s curiosity gets the better of him, and all the engines get to go to London. Music, sound effects and original Thomas & Friends songs are included. This audio book is available from all leading bookstores as well as the Listener’s Library.

for pre-teens and teens Genes for Teens

By Dr Nonhlanhla P Khumalo (Yigugu Publishers, R180) This book introduces genes and their influence on teenagers. It takes the form of laid-back discussions around sex, pregnancy, hormones and skin colour. The book sets out to demystify topics that affect teenagers in a manner that is scientific yet interesting. Sections of the book may be a bit taxing for young readers, but children as young as 12 years old will understand most of it. Khumalo has a degree in medicine and surgery from the University of KwaZulu-Natal, and a PhD from UCT. Order the book from On The Dot: email direct.sales@onthedot.co.za

32

November 2009

pick of the month

(Farrar Straus Giroux, R102) In his first chapter book, award-winning author and illustrator, Niki Daly tells the story of Bettina Valentino, a budding young artist who likes art that jumps off the wall and hits people in the eye like a wound-up ninja.

But at Bayside Preparatory School, Bettina’s art is not appreciated by her very prim and proper art teacher.

When the school hires a new art teacher – Mr Popart, who is full of inspiring lessons and walks around barefoot to soak up the energy of the Earth – Bettina is in art heaven. Until some parents start complaining about Mr Popart and want him kicked out of school. It’s time for Bettina and her art-loving friends to save Mr Popart. There are some fantastically unique and refreshing characters in this little book. Young readers will absolutely love Bettina.

for us The Manual that never came with your Child

By Jane Jarvis & Debbie de Jong (Struik Publishers, R127) Jane Jarvis, an educational psychologist, and Debbie de Jong, a remedial therapist, have the remedy for parents and caregivers struggling to cope with the demands of modern-day living. The book gives guidance to help them raise happy, well-adjusted and independent children. Written in layman’s terms, the book is generously interspersed with humour and full-colour cartoons and photographs. It provides practical advice on a range of topics from how to improve your child’s ability to plan to helping your child tackle homework, sensible discipline, what food to serve to optimise brain power and much more.

Café food at home

By Gael Oberholzer (Struik Lifestyle, R119) This is a practical cookbook based on the bistro-café principles of preparing key ingredients in advance, and using them to create a variety of dishes. It will guide you to making bistro-style food at home, such as imaginative wraps, superb salads and traditional comfort food. The recipes are easy and suit today’s on-the-go lifestyle. A handy list of store-cupboard essentials is included.

durban’s

calendar

what’s on in

november

1 sunday

Who’s Your Daddy The popular Gee Jays get together once again for their new show. Join in as they laugh, joke and sing songs in tribute to the ’60s and ’70s. Ends 15 November. Time: varies.

Venue: Heritage Theatre, Hillcrest. Cost: R165–R190. For more info: 031 765 4197 or visit heritagetheatre.co.za Wakefields SPCA 3–5km walk Dogs welcome. Time: 9am. Venue: The Cotswold Downs Estate, Inanda Rd, Hillcrest. Cost: R25 per family. Contact: 031 764 1212/3, email fundraising@kloofspca.co.za or visit kloofspca.co.za Dream Mapping and Goal Setting workshop Learn how to create and live the life of your dreams. Time: 10am– 6pm. Venue: Glenwood, Durban. Cost: R690. For more info: 082 411 3875, email workshops@fairygodmotherinc.com or visit fairygodmotherinc.com

2 monday

PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.SXC.HU

Little Learners programme A 10-module programme designed to create an easy transition from Grade R to Grade 1.

Children are guided through various activities in a stimulating, fun atmosphere. Ends 5 December. Time: 1pm–2:20pm Venue:

Kip McGrath, Suite 125, Ridgeton Towers, 6 Aurora Drive, Umhlanga Ridge. Cost: R1 500. Contact Tracy: 082 042 2556, email tracy@kipumhlanga.co.za or visit kipmcgrath.co.za

3 tuesday

Sinderella A saucy adult pantomime filled with songs, nonsense and mayhem. No under 16s. Take your own meal or book a gourmet picnic. Time: varies. Venue: Jubilee Supper Theatre, Lamont Rd. Cost: show R80, picnics from R120. For more info: 083 250 2690 Weaning and breastfeeding talk Time: 9am–10:30am. Venue: Alberlito Storks Nest, Alberlito Hospital, Ballito. Cost: free. For more info: 032 946 6956 or 032 946 1826 Pianist Ben Schoeman is performing Beethoven, Liszt and Rachmaninov. He recently became the first South African in history to win the grand prize and gold medal in the 2008 UNISA competition.

Time: 7:45pm. Venue: Durban Jewish Centre, 44 Old Fort Rd. Cost: tbc. Contact Vera: 031 202 7822 or 083 253 7378

4 wednesday

Reach For A Dream Ladies’ golf day A fundraising event. Time: first tee off

Sewing, craft materials and volunteers needed I Care Hope Centre in Greyville has started craft and sewing classes on Saturday mornings as part of their rehabilitation programme. If you are able to volunteer your time or donate sewing machines, haberdashery items or craft supplies contact Katherine: 031 572 7291 or 084 608 2711. Donations can be dropped off at the centre at 53 Stamford Hill Rd, Greyville

durban’s

For a free listing, fax your event to 031 207 3429 or email it to durban@childmag.co.za. Information must be received by 10 November for the December/January issue and must include all relevant details. No guarantee can be given that it will be published. Compiled by TRACY ELLIS

Life saving innovation launched in Durban Having instant access to vital information such as medical aid, allergies or next of kin details can dictate what kind of care you or your loved ones receive during emergencies.

The Samaritan system consists of a silicone band and key tag that is used in conjunction with sms technology to provide this vital information to those assisting you.

In an emergency a ‘good samaritan’ will notice the bright orange band or key tag and follow the instructions to sms your unique number to 36197. An sms containing your vital information will be returned immediately and at the same time your chosen emergency contacts will be alerted.

Registered users can log on to the Samaritan website to update or change personal information. A once-off fee of R150 includes lifetime registration and an emergency band and key tag. To register contact Jane: 083 777 3644, visit samaritaninfo.com or for more info call their toll free number: 0861 345 545

7:58am. Venue: Umhlali Golf Club. Cost: R250 includes lunch, hole sponsorship R500. Contact Kerry: 031 566 2220 or email kerry@reachforadream.org.za Neat Freak open day featuring organisational products such as boxes, stationery and lots of gifts, especially for teachers. Time: 10am–3pm. Venue: 37 Buckingham Place, Cowies Hill. Cost: free entry. For more info: 031 266 9140 or visit neatfreak.co.za

5 thursday

SPCA ladies’ tea featuring entertainment, talks and more. Time: 9:30am–11:30am.

Venue: Village Green, Village Rd, Kloof.

Cost: R50. Contact: 031 764 1212/3, email fundraising@kloofspca.co.za or visit kloofspca.co.za Children’s cooking workshops allow your child to experience healthy food while having fun and creating a dish to take home. Ends 12 December. Time: 2:30pm

November 2009

33

Zulu Dance Championships Dance troupes from around the country will vie for the title in this competition. The top 10 groups selected from the preliminary rounds will compete in the final round on 8 November for a R10 000 cash prize as well as a performance contract at uShaka Marine World. For more info: 031 328 8000

8 sunday 7 November – I Heart Market

(Tuesday and Wednesday), 9am (Friday and Saturday). Venue: Hirsch’s Homestore, Umhlanga. Cost: tbc. Contact Karen: 073 631 2299, email karent@totsnpots.com or visit totsnpots.com

6 friday

Free screening NuMetro presents The Adventures of Toby. Tickets available at cinema box offices. Ends 12 November.

Time: 11am and 1pm. Venue: NuMetro cinemas nationwide. Cost: free. For more information on the movie: visit adventuresoftoby.com Reach Out! Touching lives with love is a speech support meeting. An afternoon of fun and interaction for children with speech difficulties. Time: 3pm–5pm. Venue: 2 Gweneth Place, Glenmore. Cost: free.

Contact Marinda: 084 245 0462 or email marinda@toptots.co.za

7 saturday

The South Coast Surf Carnival includes the biggest kite surfing, long boarding, kayak fishing and stand-up paddle surfing competition in South Africa as well as a free

surfing clinic. Also 8 November. Time: 7am.

Venue: Scottburgh Beach. Cost: spectators free. For more info: 083 560 1185 or email mw.nerve@mweb.co.za Search for the Stars uShaka Marine World and the Department of Arts and Culture have partnered to showcase eThekwini’s young and upcoming artists.

Hopeful singers, dancers and comedic performers of all ages, as well as other acts, will have a chance to perform in front of a panel of celebrity judges. Auditions also on 7, 8, 14 November and 5 December.

Time: registration 9am. Venue: Arena 1, uShaka Marine World. For more info: 031 328 8000 I Heart Market Locally produced clothes, jewellery, ceramics, accessories, children’s clothes, toys, homemade foods and fresh veggies for sale. Time: 8:30am–1pm.

Venue: St Mary’s Church Hall, Windermere Rd. Cost: free entry. Contact Anna: 083 378 1237 or Saki: 079 496 4788 or email thejoyteam@gmail.com Huisgenoot Festival Catch Kurt Darren and other popular local music performers at this family event. Merchandise is also on sale, including CDs, T-shirts and other items from your favourite artist. Time: 5pm–10pm. Venue: Suncoast Casino. Cost: from R130. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or Suncoast Marketing: 031 328 3000 Majorie Jones Art Festival at the Hillcrest AIDS Centre Trust Tea Garden.

This family venue offers a children’s jumping castle, creativity corner and an arts and crafts shop. Time: 8am–noon.

Venue: 26 Old Main Rd, Hillcrest. Cost: free. For more info: 031 765 5866 or visit hillaids.org.za

Gusto Café is supporting Animal AntiCruelty. Drop off a packet of dog or cat food during the month of November and receive a free cappuccino. Venue: Umhlanga Plaza, Lagoon Dr, Umhlanga Rocks. For more info: 031 561 4862

9 monday

Family Christmas photo shoot competition Fiona Jane Studios are taking bookings for Christmas photo shoots until 14 November. For a chance of winning a free photo shoot sms XMAS to 083 401 3294. For more info: email info@fionajanestudios.co.za Count with Mickey! Little viewers can join Mickey and friends every weekday on the Disney Channel to help solve challenges and overcome obstacles.

Each engaging story features a different theme and offers creative learning opportunities through a play along experience. Ends 20 November. Time: 8:10am and 8:35am

WorkIt and donate blood from 9–22 November. The South African National Blood Service is challenging the community to give blood during its WorkIt campaign. KwaZulu-Natal won this challenge last year so let’s try and do it again. For more info on mobile units and SANBS centres visit sanbs.org.za

10 tuesday

Christmas entertaining workshops Learn to lay a table with an array of elegant dishes or no fuss party platters. Also 12 November. Time: 8:30am–11:30am.

Venue: Sprigs Food Shop, Fields Shopping Centre, Kloof. Cost: R180. For more info: 031 764 6031 or email sprigs@telkomsa.net

ECR Toy Story with OUTsurance Over the next few months, Toy Story will distribute tens of thousands of toys and food parcels to children affected by HIV/Aids throughout KwaZulu-Natal in an attempt to bring a hint of festive cheer into their lives this Christmas.

The money raised during the campaign is used to purchase food parcels that are distributed to child-headed households. Toys received are sorted according to gender and age, and given to a deserving child. For more information on how to donate visit ecr.co.za

family marketplace

34

November 2009

durban’s

Singles social group meeting Informative meeting with a guest speaker and a chance to mingle and network. Time: 7pm. Venue: Berea Rovers Sports Club, cnr NMR Ave and Jacko Jackson Dr. Cost: R20. Contact Lynda: 031 332 6701 or 082 742 0270

Children’s baking workshops for ages 2–10 years. Children under five to be accompanied by an adult. Hat, apron, ingredients, utensils and recipe book provided. Every Saturday until 12 December. Time: 9am–10am and 2pm– 3pm. Venue: Amanda’s@16, Rockview Rd. Cost: R65. Contact Cindy: 083 627 9292

12 November – Prawn Festival

11 wednesday

Upper Deck karaoke nights Tired of singing in the shower? Believe you have a voice like an angel? This is your chance to grab a mic and show off your vocal skills every Wednesday night in November. Time: tbc. Venue: Upper Deck Theatre, UShaka Marine World. Cost: free entry. For more info: 031 328 8000 Learn to surf Qualified coaches provide safe surfing lessons for children and adults everyday. Time: 8am–4pm. Venue: uShaka Beach. Cost: R150. Contact Duncan or Dianne: 084 823 9470 or visit surfandadventures.co.za

12 thursday

Prawn Festival More than 20 restaurants and chefs will prepare their trademark prawn dishes for the public to taste and critique in a competition for the title of King Prawn 2009. Guests can vote for their favourite dish and restaurant. Also 13 November.

Time: 7pm–11pm. Venue: Suncoast Casino.

Cost: R150. Contact Suncoast Marketing: 031 328 3000

13 friday

Two Oceans Marathon Entries open this month for the world’s most scenic marathon which will take place on 3 April 2010 on the traditional route via Chapman’s Peak, Hout Bay and Constantia Nek. Entries close 3 March 2010. For more info: 021 657 5140/1/2 or visit twooceansmarathon.org.za

14 saturday

A scrapbooking day hosted by Scrapkits.

Time: 8am–5pm. Venue: Sica’s Guesthouse, 19 Owen Ave, Tollgate. Cost: tbc. For more info: email beryl@scrapkits.co.za or visit scrapkits.co.za

15 sunday

The Triple Challenge South Africa’s biggest one day, multisport event takes place between Pietermaritzburg and Inanda Dam. Races include the Multisport

durban’s

22 sunday

Challenge, which includes a paddle leg, and the Multicross Challenge, without the paddle leg, for land-loving athletes. For more info: visit triplechallenge.co.za Naartjie turns 20 this month. Celebrate with a limited edition T–shirt and look out for Naartjie’s summer range in stores at the end of the month. For more info: visit naartjie.co.za

16 monday

Cloudy with a slight chance of meatballs The story of a young inventor who dreams of creating something that will improve everyone’s life. Featuring the voice of Bill Hader from television’s Saturday Night Live fame. Time: varies. Venue: IMAX Theatre, Gateway Shopping Mall. Cost: R48. Contact Melanie: 031 566 4417 or email melanie.singh@imax.co.za

17 tuesday

Chris de Burgh live in concert. Chris de Burgh returns to South Africa to delight fans with songs that inspired him to become the artist he is today. He will perform some old classics and new releases. Time: 8pm. Venue: ICC Indoor Arena. Cost: R243–R396. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

18 wednesday

Gifts4Good is an online shop with a difference. All gifts contribute towards carefully selected projects working to eradicate poverty in South Africa. You choose a gift and personalise your own gift card. Your gift helps to change lives in

South Africa. For more info and gift ideas: visit gifts4good.co.za

The Sunday Tribune Penguins Capital K 1km and 3km swim, fuelled by Powerade.

This challenge takes place for adults and children of all swimming ages. Entries close on 21 November. Time: varies, according to age group. Venue: Midmar Dam. Cost: R80. For more info: 033 342 1513 or email brazier@cybertrade.co.za

19 thursday

23 monday

Nosh Cooking Classes Learn about Turkish cuisine in a fun-filled, interactive cooking class. Minimum 8 people per class. Also 26 November (festive menu). Time: tbc. Venue: 4 Galloway Lane, Winston Park. Cost: R175.

Contact Rania: 082 836 8112

Pony Club is for horse riders of all ages and stages of riding. Daily lessons and monthly club meetings. Time: varies.

Venue: Newmarket Stables, opposite Durban Country Club. Cost: annual

20 friday

An Evening with the Phantom and the Stars This gala dinner will raise funds towards the running of the new Ikusasa School of Cooking at St Martin’s Children’s Home. Time: 7pm. Venue: The Elangeni Hotel. Cost: tbc. Contact Tracy or Zimkita: 031 207 5633 Kidsensory workshop A Psychological Outlook on Autism. For parents of children with learning difficulties and Autism Spectrum Disorder. Also 27 November: Understanding Sensory Integration in Autism. Time: 9:30am–2pm. Venue: Kloof. Cost: R450 includes refreshments, lunch, training manuals and gift. Contact Michelle: 082 627 3058 or email autismsensory@iburst.co.za

21 saturday

The KZN Wildlife Junior Conservation group meets on the third Saturday of each month to learn more about conservation and nature. Meetings include fun educational talks, nature walks and lessons on various nature skills. For boys and girls 10–18 years. Time: 9am. Venue: Beachwood Mangroves. Cost: free. Contact Pam: 084 864 6745

24 tuesday

My Fair Lady This much-loved musical stars Gina Shmukler and Lisa Bobbert alternating in the lead role as Eliza Doolittle, the Cockney flower seller who is transformed into a society lady. Ends 30 December. Time: varies.

Venue: The Playhouse. Cost: R80– R120. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000

November 2009

35

fee R150, riding lesson R100. Contact Mary-Ellen: 078 427 2191, Shannon: 083 452 1795 or Lyn: 031 303 1529

25 wednesday

Old Dogs premières at cinemas. Two best friends (Robin Williams and John Travolta) have their lives turned upside down when they’re unexpectedly charged with the care of six-year-old twins while on the verge of the biggest business deal of their lives. For more info: visit sterkinekor.com

26 thursday

Rock On Beethoven A fundraising evening for KwaZulu-Natal Society for the Blind’s Early Childhood Programme in conjunction with Barnyard Theatre. Take a picnic. A cash bar will be open. Time: 7pm.

Venue: Barnyard Theatre, Gateway.

Cost: R115. Contact: 031 202 7277 or email juanita@kznblind.org.za

27 friday

Karkloof Farmers’ Market carols by candlelight Enjoy a festive, fun-filled evening including Christmas gift shopping and food stalls. Christmas markets will also take place every Saturday in December from 7am–11am. Time: 5:30pm–9pm, carols from 7pm–8pm. Venue: 2.6km from Howick along the Karkloof Rd (access off the D507). Cost: adults R10, children R5.

36

November 2009

Proceeds donated to charity. Contact: 082 851 8649 or 082 820 8986 Glenashley Preparatory School fun night market with hot food, loads of entertainment for children, tombola, white elephant, putt-putt, games, tea garden and more. Time: 4:30pm–9pm.

Venue: Marion Ave, Glenashley. Cost: free entry, tables R100. Contact Fiona: 082 820 7684 Tree of Light ceremony and Christmas fair A carol service will be led by the Winston Park Primary School choir. Sponsor a light in the name of someone dear to you who cannot be with you this Christmas and join in the ceremonial lighting of the tree of remembrance. There is a Christmas craft market. Time: 5:30pm. Venue: Winston Park Primary. Cost: free entry, R20 to sponsor a light. For more info: 083 303 8924

28 saturday

The South African Multiple Birth Association is hosting its annual Christmas function for families with twins, triplets and quads. RSVP before 23 November. Time: 10am–noon. Venue: Illovo Kids. Cost: free.

Contact Edie: 082 338 2625 or email kzn@samultiplebirth.co.za Shongweni Clubs 2009 Christmas fair features a variety of stalls, tea garden, beer garden and loads of entertainment for children including pony rides, jumping castle and an appearance by Father Christmas.

Dress theme is faeries and elves. Time: 10am. Venue: Shongweni Club. Cost: free

entry. Contact Mary: 082 462 8763, Elaine: 084 429 9110 or Mish: 083 656 8890 Weinachtsmarkt A Christmas market held by the The Wartburg Woman’s Institute.

Make sure to visit the Swimfin display and learn more about this new swimming aid for children. Time: 9am–3pm. Venue: Wartburg Church and Orion Wartburg Hotel. Cost: free entry. Contact Anne: 033 503 1069 (evenings) The Food Market features fresh, locally produced food, food pairing, chef demos, organic products and a children’s corner with jumping castle, jungle gym and more. Time: 8am–3pm, chef demos at 11am and 1pm. Venue: The Hellenic Hall, 6 High Grove, Umgeni Park, Durban North.

Contact Emma: 083 707 0531 or visit thefoodmarket.co.za

29 sunday

Mind Body Soul Fair Christmas Celebration Enjoy a host of natural, therapeutic, esoteric and metaphysical tools and products as well as entertainment, food, prizes and talks. Time: 10am–5pm.

Venue: Westville Civic Centre. Cost: free entry. Contact Shalini: 072 428 3431 Toy Run 2009 Motorbikes will leave in convoy from the Pavilion Shopping Centre and make their way to Amanzimtoti.

Donate your toys and enjoy the stalls, games and food. Time: tbc. Venue: Lords and Legends Pub, Amanzimtoti. Cost: free entry. Contact Jo: 083 285 0815 Muddy Buddy Two buddies, two mountain bikes, a formidable obstacle course and a mighty mud pit. Also Mini Muddy Buddy event for children 7–15 years and Muddy Kids event for children 3 years and up.

Time: varies. Venue: Giba Gorge MTB Park.

Cost: varies. For more info: 031 564 4062 Heritage Country Market features live music, pony rides and an animal petting farm for children. Time: 9am–1pm. Venue: 9 Old Main Road, Hillcrest. Cost: free entry.

For more info: visit heritagehillcrest.co.za

30 monday

Support the Lions Clubs International by purchasing its Christmas cake produced and packaged by Albany Bakeries. R55 per 1kg cake. To order: 083 331 3319

durban’s

it’s party time

durban’s

November 2009

37

last laugh

square-eyed, but nature-savvy SAM WILSON takes her children into the countryside, only to find out some interesting things about her very plugged-in sons.

a

ndreas and I recently had one of those moments – when all you want to do is up sticks and find a small plot off the beaten track with an appropriately rustic, whitewashed dwelling where you can live simply, growing your own vegetables. You know, when you’ve just had it with the deadlines, pointless admin, office politics and traffic jams of the city … and you start imagining yourself in a quiet, peaceful place, with a hoe in your hand. Even though you aren’t entirely sure what a hoe is and what you would do with it.

Unfortunately, we simply don’t have the guts for such a drastic life change, so we did what most city folk do when they feel out-citied. We hauled our cookies into the country for a weekend away, our trusty MPV stocked to the side mirrors with camping equipment and boxes of healthful snacks, like trail mix and bran flakes.

Whenever we do this, I become terribly gung ho. It’s almost as if I am trying to give my urban children a “Countryside 101”

38

November 2009

crash course in a single weekend. The thing is, I was born and bred on a tarmac. (I know, slightly pathetic, but I am willing to bet my binoculars that some of you do it too.)

This time, we found ourselves in a small private reserve on the Bainskloof Pass. Gloriously covered in spring flowers, nestling between two majestic ravine/ridgetype things, this was clearly the place where I was going to share my (not-oftenpractised) love of nature with my sons. I could feel it in my water bottle.

“Look around you, boys!” I exclaimed, about an hour and a half into a hike. (Horribly red in the face, I needed to do something to assert myself, as the rest of my family had not even broken into a sweat.) “Look at all the unspoilt beauty; isn’t it glorious? Look!

There are some … LBJ birds! And there’s a lot of … fynbos! And how cute are these little dewy red plants on the path?”

My eight-year-old son Benj bent down to look at them, and then looked up at me all brimming with enthusiasm.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call them cute; they’re carnivorous,” he said, about to touch one.

“Don’t touch it!” I shrieked. “Everyone, step away!”

“Don’t be silly, Mommy,” said Joe, my 10-year-old. “Sundews don’t eat human flesh, they eat little insects that stray across their path. Look at this area – it’s all sandstone, with very little soil. These plants have evolved to get their nutrition where they can find it.”

I looked across at Andreas, who gave me a “how could you not know this?” shrug.

(There are downsides to marrying a person with four degrees in geology.)

“Boys, has Daddy taken you on secret field trips without me? How do you know this kind of thing?” The boys looked at each other and then at me, a little pityingly.

“I am sorry, Mommy, it’s because you spend all day at work – you don’t get to watch nearly as much TV as you should.

The Discovery Channel often features

carnivorous plants, and other interesting and unusual aspects of our amazing planet.”

As I stood staring, open-mouthed, the walking DStv advert, formerly known as Joe, took the opportunity to give Benj a little nudge. “Hey look, Benj,” he whispered. “I think that’s a yellow bishop.”

“I think you’re right,” Benj whispered back. “And look, his back feathers are all puffed up … it must be mating season.”

And with that, they skipped off down the trail, leaving me and my preconceptions in tatters. I know that my children watch a lot of nature documentaries, because cartoons weird them up, but I had no idea they were learning to do more than drool peacefully.

It seems I owe my TV and, perhaps, city life an apology. I shall be treading both our nearby trails and our tarmac a little more circumspectly for a bit.

Sam is the Editor-in-Chief of Women24.com, Parent24.com and Food24.com, and remains undecided about flesh-eating plants generally.

durban’s

PHOTOGRAPH: TAMMY GARDNER

Benj, Sam and Joe