Child magazine | DBN May 2015

D U R B A N ’ S

b e s t

g u i d e

f o r

p a r e n t s

help!

my husband is jealous of our child

morning sickness relief from that queasy feeling

why children don’t need perfect parents leaving facebook

for real-world interaction

www.childmag.co.za

May 2015

free

mother &

baby

plus

stress-free school applications where do phobias come from? parent-friendly malls

health

education

entertainment

I’m inspired by motherhood...

But all the dreams and plans in the world will never fully prepare you for it. While the birth of a baby brings immense relief and elation, it also ushers a complete upheaval into your life. How many moms have said, “Once the baby’s born, I’ll lose weight, take up yoga, running or a new craft” or “We’ll take that trip we always wanted to”? How many moms fully intend to return to work at the end of their maternity leave, only to find the direction of their lives changed by this brand-new life? For many women, motherhood is the catalyst that steers them toward new and better things, an inspiration to forge a different lifestyle or career choice.

Twelve years ago, the birth of Robyn motivated me to start Child magazine.

Paging through this month’s issue I am in awe of all the moms, similarly spurred on by motherhood, who display their beautiful products and services, offering support, fun food or party ideas, and décor, educational and entertainment solutions. With plenty of hard work and a good dose of admin, these women are living their dreams. Motherhood may have inspired them, but each month they leave me animated and encourage thousands of other moms reading Child magazine to follow their passion and hopefully find a little balance.

Doing what you love is what’s really important; sometimes it takes a baby to get you there.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there who mean so very much to us.

We love you.

Lisa Mc Namara Publisher

Hunter House P U B L I S H I N G

Publisher Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Editorial Managing Editor Marina Zietsman • marina@childmag.co.za Features Editor Marc de Chazal • features@childmag.co.za Resource Editor Tamlyn Vincent • durban@childmag.co.za Editorial Assistant Lucille Kemp • capetown@childmag.co.za Copy Editor Debbie Hathway

Child magazine Online

childmag.co.za Online Content Manager Marc de Chazal • online@childmag.co.za

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to advertise Tel: 031 209 2200 Email: dbnsales@childmag.co.za Website: childmag.co.za

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Accounts Nicolene Baldy • admin@childmag.co.za Tel: 021 465 6093 • Fax: 021 462 2680

monthly circulation Joburg’s Child magazineTM Cape Town’s Child magazineTM Durban’s Child magazineTM Pretoria’s Child magazineTM

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Durban’s Child magazineTM is published monthly by Hunter House Publishing, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010. Office address: Unit 7, Canterbury Studios, 35 Wesley Street, Gardens, Cape Town. Tel: 021 465 6093, fax: 021 462 2680, email: info@childmag.co.za. Annual subscriptions (for 11 issues) cost R165, including VAT and postage inside SA. Printed by Paarl Web. Copyright subsists in all work published in Durban’s Child magazineTM. We welcome submissions but retain the unrestricted right to change any received copy.

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May 2015

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contents may 2015

12 3 a note from lisa

regulars

6 over to you readers respond

8 pregnancy news – constantly queasy morning sickness can be

features

debilitating. Lucille Kemp looks at ways to find relief

12 good enough mothers Meg Faure tackles the hot topic of maternal guilt

14 securing the right school it’s a battlefield out there trying to get your child into your school of choice. Anél Lewis looks for some direction

17 leaving facebook Megan Hjelm enjoys “real life” again after quitting this social media platform for good

18 only the best mouthwatering recipe ideas for Mother’s Day from Best Recipes, a new cookbook compiled by Christelle Erasmus

20 my husband is jealous of our child! what happens if a child drives a wedge between parents? Elaine Powell looks for answers

22 i hate you, mom! Gary Koen looks at the often volatile relationship between parents and teenagers

health

9 best for baby – feeding on demand when is the right time to feed your baby? Ruwaydah Harris asks experts

10 dealing with difference – when fear takes over you can help your child with his phobias if you confront your own fears, says Samantha Page

23 a good read for the whole family 24 resource – convenience shopping here is a list of baby- and child-friendly malls, compiled by Tamlyn Vincent

25 what’s on in may 30 finishing touch Anél Lewis and her family went camping for the first time. She shares the highs... and a few lows

classified ads 29 let’s party

7 giving life Tamlyn Vincent explains blood types and how to donate blood

30 family marketplace

this month’s cover images are supplied by:

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May 2015

Joburg

Cape Town

Durban

Pretoria

Twinkle Star Photography twinklestar.co.za

Claudia De Nobrega Photography claudiadenobrega.com

Jana Lubbe Photography janalubbe.com

Claudia De Nobrega Photography claudiadenobrega.com

magazine durban

magazine durban

May 2015

5

letters

putting pen to paper I found your publisher’s note on “how putting pen to paper makes you more creative” and the article on cursive writing by Marina Zietsman most interesting (Child magazine April 2015). As an educator for many years, I saw the benefit of handwriting skills and encouraged the learners to persevere with cursive writing as long as possible.

The photograph you used in the article was taken at Holy Family College (The old Parktown Convent in Oxford Road) on one of our Heritage Foundation Tours.

The Johannesburg Heritage Foundation does tours there for children from Grades 3–5 and we recognised the white pinafores they wear, the worksheet used and the dipping pen. It is a great experience where the children sit in an Edwardian classroom to learn what school was like long ago and it is here that they learn how to write in cursive with a dipping pen and ink. A short lesson on the history of Joburg is also given and they do a tour around the beautiful old building, which was built in 1905. They also decorate folders in which to keep the worksheets they have completed, which reinforces learning.

Brenda Adam It’s funny how just yesterday I was trying to write in cursive and thought to myself: “I wonder why we were

taught to write in cursive at school and the reasoning behind it.” Thank you for a very insightful article.

Kim Francke Braaf

thanks child mag I loved the “lekker lunchboxes” article. It’s simple, and I’m definitely going to try these out.

Lee-Ann D Strachan I want to thank you for the delivery of Child magazine to our school. The parents, teachers and pupils love reading your magazine. Awesome work and well done to you and your team.

Ms Samantha Nel – Willow View Academy, part of PLG Schools South Africa I love your magazine. I even like the way it is printed, and the pictures, everything... it’s just a great magazine.

Magauta Twala

that’s the spirit My seven-year-old son joined a soccer club recently, and while knowing that it will cost me a pretty penny and that two week nights and most Saturdays will now be “lost” to me, I quite proudly joined the soccer-mom group. When he wore his full kit for the first time, and looked so proud

over to you online comments in response to the books blog “rhyme away” Rhymes are so important for developing language and reading. They also teach pitch, volume and voice inflection, not to mention patterns, memorisation and sequencing. These are literally the cornerstones of reading and cognitive skills.

The Book Tree My son and I love Dr Seuss movies. He watches The Lorax over and over again.

Bejanka in response to “overcoming dyslexia” I have a 12 year old and her independent school recommended we take her to a remedial school. I am also dyslexic, and at the time of decision making, I was young and had no experience with South African schools. We took her out and placed her in the remedial school, and it was the worst thing I could have done for my child’s social development. It might have helped her with learning, but it turned a perfectly normal, popular girl into a 12 year old who hardly has any friends, and cannot play sports because of the demands of school and travel time. I so want

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May 2015

(I thought “cute”, but wouldn’t say it out loud), I knew it was the right decision. Come the first practice session, my son was clearly exhausted, running around for an hour and a half. But he was also disappointed, because as the new boy in the team, the others looked a lot more skilled than he did in passing the ball and kicking for goal. I could sense tears coming, and that’s exactly what happened as we drove home. He was sobbing, convinced that the goal “was skew”, and that we should have signed him up ages ago, “then he would also be good with the ball”. I lightly pointed out to him that he doesn’t have to go back if it’s such “torture”, which brought on more sobs, because he wanted to go back. My husband and I have taught him since a young age to never give up, and this time I could really see that this life lesson had taken root. Not long after this incident, he decided to practise with the ball every day. And when the first match day loomed, he confidently confided in me that if they lose, it’s not the end of the world and “better luck next time”, and if they win, “they must keep up the good work”. When I told his uncle that he complained about the goal “being skew”, he quickly reprimanded me that he didn’t say that, but only meant “that maybe they could make the goal a bit bigger”. As cute (proud) as he looks in his club gear, I am all the more proud of him for not giving up.

Nicky

Let us know what’s on your mind. Send your letters or comments to marina@childmag.co.za or PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010.

her to go back to a mainstream school so that she can have a normal childhood, but none of the schools want to give her a chance. This is really disgusting and I am wondering where love and compassion for our children have gone. It’s important that everyone receives quality education. Moreover, not everyone is the same and we need to be accepting of those who are different.

Anonymous

in response to “family adventure in North America” It was so great to read this article and just such a coincidence that it appeared in the April issue of Child magazine. My husband and I decided a few weeks before reading this piece that we want to take a trip with our girls (aged four and five) from end June returning end September, travelling through the US. Debbie Gold

Brain scan research has showed in proficient readers that the areas of the brain that process visual and auditory information, as well as the pathways that link them, are activated simultaneously during efficient reading. For a dyslexic reader, these same areas are not activated, resulting in laboured reading. There are revolutionary reading programmes that activate all of these areas, resulting in as much as a 24-month improvement in decoding ability over 10 hours. Children with difficulties often have a high IQ and put in so much hard work that it is imperative that concessions of a reader/extra time/ spelling are put in place in tests and exams so that a child with difficulties sees his results reflecting his cognitive ability and the effort he is putting in.

Angela Prinsloo

in response to “separation anxiety” I am so relieved to read this article. I have been experiencing the same thing with my four year old. He was woken one night to fetch me and his baby brother from the hospital. Ever since then he won’t sleep without me or his dad sleeping next to him or with the door ajar. I sincerely hope in time he will get over his fear of separation.

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magazine durban

health

donating 101

giving

life

June is National Blood Donor Month. Here’s what you need to know about your blood and how to donate it. By TAMLYN VINCENT

blood types Your blood type is determined by which antigens and antibodies are, or are not, present. These are allergens on the red blood cells and in the plasma. For example, if your blood type is A, you have the A antigen on your red blood cells and the B antibody in your plasma. If you belong to the O group, you have neither A nor B antigens on your red blood cells, but you have both A and B antibodies in your plasma. The Rh factor is also an antigen. Those who have it are Rh+ and those who don’t are Rh-.

If you receive blood that is different to yours, you can have an allergic response to the antigens.

This is one reason it’s important to know your blood type. This also means that people with O blood are universal red cell donors, as their red blood cells have no antigens so cannot trigger an allergic response.

Those with AB+ blood are universal plasma donors.

emergency information, doctors can treat you faster.

• Studies show that people with certain blood types are more predisposed to certain illnesses. Types AB, A and B, for example, are at an increased risk of heart disease. Knowing your blood type won’t decrease the risk, but it can help you look out for symptoms and encourage you to lead a healthier lifestyle by exercising and following a healthy diet.

• Many people, including children with cancer and blood disorders, depend on blood donations to survive. Some blood types are also in high demand, so knowing your type could mean you are able to save more lives. Vanessa Raju of the South African National Blood Service (SANBS) says people belonging to A and AB blood groups are encouraged to become platelet donors, due to the high number of people in these groups.

know your type

ILLUSTRATIONS: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

• It’s important to know your blood type because it saves time in an emergency. Hospitals will usually test your blood to determine your type, but if you have it written down with other

less than 1% of the South African population donates blood regularly.

did you know?

Blood typing used to be a condition for getting a marriage license in some places. This was to ensure that the couple’s blood would be compatible when having children. Incompatible blood could result in a child getting Rh disease or other blood complications.

Who can donate?

Blood donors must be between the ages of 16 and 65, weigh more than 50kg and practise safe sex.

How does it work?

When donating blood, one pint of blood (about 480ml) is taken, which is the legal limit. The needles and other equipment are sterile and used only once. Each pint of blood is tested for HIV, hepatitis B and C, and syphilis. The first time you donate, your red blood cells won’t be used but the plasma will be stored until your second donation. After three donations, if your blood still tests negative, all parts of your blood will be used. If you haven’t donated blood for a while, the whole process starts again.

How often can you donate?

A regular donor is someone who donates at least three times a year. Once you have donated, you need to wait at least 56 days before donating again.

Can I donate blood for my own use?

Once you have donated blood, it is collected and used for patients.

However, autologous and designated donation can be arranged through your doctor. Autologous donation lets you donate your own blood prior to surgery, while designated donation is when you donate blood for a friend or family member’s use, given you have the same blood type. Because special collection, storage and testing are required, this can be costly and time-consuming.

who needs your blood?

The SANBS says that donated blood typically goes to the following patients: • People who have had an accident and have lost blood

How long does blood last?

Red blood cells can last for up to 42 days, says Raju, and plasma, if frozen, can last for up to three years. But platelets only last for five days. “If new babies need blood, they need fresh blood, so a daily collection is needed,” adds Raju.

• Pregnant women who have haemorrhaged

because

of complications • People in surgeries • Children and adults with cancer

and

leukaemia,

and those who need bone marrow transplants.

the receiving end Most people donate whole blood, which can be split into three parts: Red blood cells These transport oxygen to the lungs. If someone can’t produce enough red blood cells, they will be anaemic and will need red blood cell transfusions.

Platelets These are cell fragments that circulate in the blood. When you injure yourself, platelets collect at the site and create a plug to stop bleeding. “Cancer patients may need platelet transfusions if their bone marrow is not making enough, which can happen when bone marrow cells are damaged by chemo or radiation therapy, or when they are crowded out of the bone marrow by cancer cells,” says Raju.

Plasma This is often given to patients who are bleeding because their blood is not clotting properly. Plasma is a fluid that carries other cells around the body.

national blood services The Western Province Blood Transfusion Service provides blood services to the Western Cape.

Contact: 021 507 6300 or visit wpblood.org.za

The SANBS caters to South Africa, excluding the Western Cape. Contact: 011 761 9000 or visit sanbs.org.za Both are non-profit, independent organisations.

Information courtesy of the South African National Blood Service. magazine durban

May 2015

7

pregnancy news

relief

constantly

queasy

LUCILLE KEMP looks at ways to help you find relief from

c

morning sickness.

ape Town-based obstetrician Dr Grace Bovier* says that morning sickness, or nausea and vomiting in pregnancy (NVP), is thought to be associated with rising levels of the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotrophin and/or rising oestrogen levels. “Women who experience reflux and indigestion when they are not pregnant tend to be more prone to morning sickness during pregnancy, as are women who suffer from motion sickness. Those women who are

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May 2015

Diet Meals and snacks should be small and eaten slowly, bland food is often recommended and protein snacks have proven to be helpful. “Women need to figure out what they tolerate best and eat those things without worrying too much about whether they are healthy or not,” advises Bovier. Fluids should be taken between meals and are better tolerated if they are cold, clear and carbonated; these may include drinks such as ginger beer or ginger ale, sports drinks, lemonade and mint tea.

Avoid triggers Smells, smoke, heat, motion from being in a car or lift, stuffy rooms and not enough rest are common triggers.

Non-drug treatments Hypnosis, acupuncture and acupressure can create relief, and counselling may be helpful, especially if anxiety and stress are contributing factors.

Complementary, homeopathic and natural medications Food or supplements containing ginger, antianxiety supplements, vitamin B6 and the homeopathic remedy sepia in a 30CH potency are a few options that women have found to be helpful.

Drug treatment If none of the above treatments are successful, a woman must consult her doctor for antinausea medication.

a rare case of severity Morning sickness does not normally cause problems for the baby. If, however, a woman suffers from hyperemesis gravidarum, which is a very extreme form of morning sickness that comes with weight loss, dehydration and electrolyte and mineral disturbances, and requires hospital admission, the baby may be affected.

Bovier once had a patient who, in her third pregnancy, had such persistent nausea and vomiting she spent more time in hospital than at home, for intravenous therapy.

The mom became so desperate that she begged for her baby to be delivered. “After much discussion between me, the patient, her husband and the paediatrician, an amniocentesis was performed to make sure the baby was mature enough to be born and delivery took place at 36 weeks.” This is the only time Bovier has had to deliver a baby to cure a mom’s morning sickness, so rest assured that this variety of morning sickness is rare. *Name has been changed.

did you know?

Couvade syndrome is a psychosomatic condition where the partner of a pregnant woman experiences actual symptoms of childbirth or pregnancy. Along with morning sickness, the partner’s symptoms include abdominal pain and bloating, back pain, phantom pregnancy, lethargy, toothache, food cravings, aversions and antenatal depression. Studies have found the incidence of sympathy pregnancy among men with a pregnant partner to be 25% to 52% in the US, 20% in Sweden and an estimated 61% in Thailand.

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

naturally more sensitive to smells also tend to have a more difficult time with morning sickness during pregnancy,” says Bovier. Social, cultural and psychological (depression, anxiety and stress) factors will make morning sickness worse, according to Bovier, and pregnant women with conditions such as certain placental diseases, which produce higher-than-normal hormone levels, will probably suffer from morning sickness.

best for baby

feeding on demand Should you feed your baby whenever she cries? RUWAYDAH HARRIS asks two baby experts for their advice.

PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

t

he question of how to approach baby feeding has been a controversial conundrum and an emotive issue: is it okay to treat it like a 24-hour all-you-can-eat-buffet (feed on demand), or is it better to only feed at set times?

“Feeding on demand is entirely appropriate for the first three to four months of life when a baby’s brain and tummy are still very immature,” explains paediatrician Dr Claudia Gray. “This period has been dubbed the ‘fourth trimester’ and your baby is not yet able to manipulate you, so it’s not really possible to ‘spoil’ a baby during this time.” She adds that the first few months are vital for establishing a bond with your baby and a relationship of trust as the baby needs to know that warmth, food and cuddles will come his way when he needs them.

Sister Ann Richardson, a paediatric nurse and co-author of the Baby Sense and Toddler Sense books, says during the newborn phase “demand and frequent feeding stimulates milk supply and helps the uterus to contract to prevent postpartum bleeding”.

She suggests, however, that once your baby has a clean bill of health and the milk supply is established, the idea of “separating calories from comfort” should apply, because babies who are always fed to comfort them do not learn the art of self-soothing, which is essential to grow contentment and healthy sleep. “Demand-feeding can lead to overfeeding, which can exacerbate colic or reflux,” Richardson says.

It is important to get the cues for hunger right, says Gray. “If milk is offered for every niggle, the baby may end up with a huge digestive load and a sore tummy (some niggles

magazine durban

feeding basics Babies will always suck on their hands to soothe themselves – whether they are hungry or not, says Sister Ann Richardson. Although she cautions against overfeeding, she does not agree with a rigid feeding schedule either. Richardson suggests you keep feeding times flexible between two and four hours and separate calories from comfort from the get-go.

• Work with a flexible timeframe. If it’s less than two hours since the last feed, it’s unlikely your baby is really hungry. She may just be looking for some comfort such as rocking, cuddling and some sucking to calm her.

• If it’s more than two hours since the last feed, then feed. Never leave your baby longer than four hours without a feed.

• Provided your baby is healthy and growing, the use of dummies (or even Mom or Dad’s finger), as a non-nutritive sucking measure to help calm, works well.

• Never restrict feeds, nor force-feed.

may in fact be a wind or tiredness rather than hunger). The hungry baby typically begins to fuss, puts the fists in the mouth, starts with a little moan, then crescendoes progressively into a full-blown cry. A baby in discomfort often grunts ‘eh-eh’ but does not crescendo steadily as in hunger,” explains Gray. She suggests you take note of the time between feeds to estimate when your baby may be ready for a feed. Regular weight checks are also important as a guide to whether or not the baby may be under- or overfeeding.

May 2015

9

dealing with difference

when takes over

fear

Whether your child is afraid of spiders, snakes or the sensation of grass underfoot, there are effective ways of dealing with these phobias.

SAMANTHA PAGE believes you can allay their fears by confronting your own.

a

t a recent wedding, as guests of the bride and groom filed into the church and took their seats amid flowers and familiar love songs, the scene was set for a day of romance. A sudden flurry of activity alerted the congregation to the arrival of the bride and – my favourite part – that first glance of the soon-to-be wife. My reverie was short-lived, however, because that’s when I heard the bloodcurdling screams from the two year old at the back of the church. It seems, from what I was later told, that the sight of the veiled woman in white was like seeing Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street. The child’s mother has subsequently declared weddings – at least the church part – off the agenda for now because her toddler was genuinely scared out of her wits by brides, veils and volumes of tulle.

It’s not easy moving through the world when you’re terrified, whether you’re afraid of monsters under your bed, creepy goggas or wedding veils, and while the behaviour may seem extreme and baffling to others, it’s deadly serious to whoever is experiencing the perceived threat. According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag), as many as 8% to 11% of children and adolescents suffer from an anxiety that affects their ability to get on with their lives.

“We all have fears,” points out Doug Symons, a clinical child psychologist at Acadia University in Canada. “When they’re excessive and begin to interfere with your life, we define them as phobias.” It’s not surprising that, on average, about one in 30 children will develop a genuine phobia that meets the diagnostic criteria. These fears are persistent, last several months and could affect everyday activities, such as playing, going to school and interacting with others.

They can also develop at any time and persist for a lifetime. Thirty-year-old Tania, for example, loved dogs when she was a toddler until she was attacked by one when she was five years old. Today, she still breaks out in a cold sweat when she sees dogs and gives them a wide berth if she encounters them. “After all these years, I still experience an overwhelming need to flee when I come into contact with dogs,” she says.

According to psychologist David H Barlow, director of the Centre for Anxiety and Related Disorders at Boston University, writing for Time magazine, modern people learnt what to be afraid of and how to handle it from their ancient ancestors, but while our distant ancestors may predispose us to phobias, it’s our immediate ancestors – specifically our parents – who seal the deal. He noted that as many as 40% of all people suffering from a specific phobia have at least one phobic parent, which is seemingly a clue that phobias could be genetically influenced. There is as much data that suggests that watching Mom or Dad react with exaggerated terror at a cockroach is the kind of conditioning that can also create a bona fide fear.

In a 2011 study conducted at Rutgers University in the US, experts determined that we learn an aversion to creepy crawlies in the first years of our life. During the experiment, seven-month-old babies were shown two videos, side by side, one of a snake and another of a non-threatening animal. At the same time, the babies were played a recording of either a fearful human voice or a happy one. The infants spent more time focused on the snake videos when listening to the fearful voices but showed no signs of being afraid, the researchers reported in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science.

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May 2015

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

from parent to child

8–11% 40%

of children and adolescents suffer from an anxiety that affects their ability to get on with their lives.

of all people suffering from a specific phobia have at least one phobic parent.

In phase two of the study, three year olds were shown a screen of nine photographs and told to pick out a named object. They identified snakes more readily than flowers, and more quickly than other animals that looked similar to snakes, such as caterpillars and frogs. The children who were afraid of snakes were just as fast at picking them out as children who had not developed a snake phobia. “What we’re suggesting,” says Dr Vanessa LoBue, an author of the paper, “is that we have these biases to detect things like snakes and spiders really quickly, and to associate them with things that are yucky or bad, like a fearful voice.”

Cape Town mother of two Lori Cohen makes a strong case for teaching her children to have rational fears. “They need to know it’s okay to be frightened of things, but I also encourage them to try anything once. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to do it again, but I’d never force them to pick up a snake if they didn’t want to. I’m not thrilled about holding reptiles, but I do it to show my children that I also try things I’m scared of, and it has helped me overcome my fears.”

face your fears Clinical psychologist Beverly H Smolyansky gives five steps to help you manage your child’s anxieties: Validate Your child’s perception is his reality. Dismissing or downplaying his fear might make him feel worse. Try to justify his feelings without saying it’s right or wrong.

Model calm behaviour Children pick up when their parents are anxious or afraid, so if you jump on a chair when you see a spider, it’s going to be difficult for your child to overcome his fear. Try to remain calm and mimic positive behaviour.

Educate yourself and your child Children and adults feel better equipped to handle the unknown or unexpected when they’re educated on the topic. Do the research and discuss your findings. It may allay both your anxieties.

Teach positive self-talk When you and your child encounter a bug and she shows fear, try to rationalise with her. Ask her who’s bigger, her or the bug? Who’s stronger?

And give her the words to say to herself: “I can do this. It’s just a little bug.”

Start off by observing Watching an insect and seeing what it does is a great way to expose your child to it without it being an overwhelming experience. Don’t try to force him to let a spider walk on his hand or make him climb to the top of the monkey bars.

Exposure should always be done methodically.

1 2 3 4 5

Remember that while childhood fears are fairly common, if it’s debilitating in any way, it’s probably best to get help. The best place to start is with your paediatrician, who may refer you to a clinical psychologist. magazine durban

May 2015

11

parenting

good enough mothers It’s really okay to drop the ball once in a while. MEG FAURE explains how moms can shake off their own expectations for perfection and ditch the maternal guilt.

why the guilt?

All parents experience a massive sense of responsibility for their children’s lives. It relates to the priority we place on protecting our little ones and the pressure to provide the best opportunities – to be the best parent we can be.

This means that inevitably we set a very high benchmark and whenever we feel we are failing, we feel guilty for not providing this perfect base – be it through our diet in pregnancy, a simple parenting choice or the decision to work.

Sam, mom to two little girls, really battles with guilt. “I create expectations for myself as a mom while watching other mothers around me who always seem so together

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May 2015

– hair done; make-up done; clever, beautiful, healthy children. And when I fall short of this picture of the ‘ideal mom’, I feel like I am letting my girls and me down… and in comes the guilt,” says Sam.

Maternal guilt is a waste of energy because it rarely results in better parenting. society’s expectations Over and above our personal sense of responsibility are the expectations that modern society places on us. Many women enter motherhood after being in a successful career where they easily meet the demands of a significant workload. Adding a baby to the load and balancing yet another task seems to be an expectation that not only society has of women, but one that women impose on themselves.

Many moms take on the role of parenting while continuing to work outside the home, out of choice or necessity. The stress of a career coupled with the massive demands of parenting are often too much for working mothers. When demands get too high and a mom drops a ball or is not the “perfect” mother, she becomes burdened with guilt.

permission to fail Maternal guilt is so closely linked to expectations for perfection (from self or society) that we probably need to address these expectations first in order to decrease the guilt.

According to the late paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, we are better as moms when we don’t meet our baby’s every need instantly and when we show our children that we can have a bad day or make a mistake. By failing occasionally, we give our children realistic expectations of the world and we teach them that their efforts in life are beautiful, even when they are not perfect. When we do this we are Good Enough Mothers.

We are good enough to cope with the huge demands a new life has on us, and good enough to nurture this tiny human being into a caring, happy child.

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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

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t has been said that “Maternal guilt comes with the placenta”, and as any mom will tell you, nothing could be closer to the truth. It begins the day you fall pregnant. You feel guilty about what you eat, that your stress may be affecting your unborn baby, and it magnifies when you decide to wean your baby off the breast – be that at two weeks or 12 months, and overshadows every decision around being a working or stay-at-home mom.

managing maternal guilt Understanding where maternal guilt comes from and freeing ourselves to drop the occasional ball are the important first steps in managing our guilt, but how do we practically make decisions with more freedom and ditch the guilt?

Choose your parenting ethos When you are secure in the decisions you make, you are less likely to second-guess yourself and suffer maternal guilt. It is important to establish your own style of parenting and seek advice that reinforces this style as opposed to taking advice from people with polarised opinions. Once you have determined a secure rationale for your parenting style, surround yourself with information and advice that supports your choice, leaving little room for conflict, which will only increase guilt.

On deciding to work Discuss this with your partner so you can determine your priorities and needs, including the financial needs of your family. Choosing to work is an important decision and when the rationale is right,

it’s certainly no reason to feel guilt. Claire, a mom of two children, puts it so well: “In my case, I have to work to survive and support my family – plain and simple. Yes, I would love to spend more time with my children, but in reality, it’s not possible. If I stop working, I lose my income and my children will suffer. This is my reality and it’s what pulls me up when guilt steps in.”

Create balance in your day Make space for one-onone time with your child. A great idea is to prioritise Watch, Wait and Wonder time (see box “watch, wait and wonder”) for 15 minutes. Turn off cellphones and other electronic devices and sit on the floor to play with your little one – watching him play, waiting for his engagement and wondering at his delight as he plays. These small periods of undivided attention are a wonderful antidote for the frenetic lifestyle we juggle. Jenny, a mom who works full-time, prioritises this time with her little one. “I also schedule floor time. As soon as I walk into the house, I

immediately sit down with her and ask about her day and play whatever she wants to play,” says Jenny.

Take time out for yourself The idea of choosing to be away from your child in the limited time you are home from work is almost incomprehensible. “Because I am working so much right now, I feel guilty for even thinking of going to the gym in my spare time and being away from them any longer,” laments Jess. Yet, short periods of time doing something that carries no expectations or responsibility – going for a walk, having a manicure or simply reading a magazine – is really important.

Maternal guilt is a waste of energy because it rarely results in better parenting. On the contrary, it can paralyse mothers with feelings of regret and sadness. Whatever choices you are making, recognise that in considering your baby and getting it right most of the time, you are being a Good Enough Mother, which is way better for your child’s emotional development than a “perfect mom”.

watch, wait and wonder Developed by Elizabeth Muir, the approach of WWW play is traditionally used in attachment therapy for babies with relational or behaviour difficulties. It has been found that a modified approach of having focused playtime that is babyled really helps – not only with a baby’s separation anxiety, but also with helping moms to feel more connected with their children and to have less guilt about time spent away from them.

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May 2015

13

education

securing the right

school

The big question on the minds of parents with pre- and primary school children is whether or not they will be able to get into the school of their choice. ANÉL LEWIS finds out why application has become such a challenge.

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inding a school for your child – especially at preschool and primary school age – has become a veritable minefield as children jostle for limited spaces. Parents can no longer just fill in a few forms to enrol their children at a good school in the area.

Now it seems you’ve got a better chance of getting Golden Circle tickets to a Justin Bieber concert than you have of getting your child into your first choice of school – and sometimes even your second choice is a stretch if you’re looking for a good public school in a popular area.

Joburg mom Candice Whitehead says it took one question from a parent at a child’s party to spark the frenzied “have you guys got your child into a school yet?” debate.

“The following Monday I went to put Cruz’s name down at an independent school.

He was just two at the time, but I was horrified to learn that he was number 100-andsomething on the waiting list for Grade 0 or Grade 1. I then had the bright idea to put baby Whitehead down at the same time.” Candice was pregnant with her third son.

“Once Kai was born we paid the large nonrefundable deposit, which meant he was given a place straight away for Grade 000.” This meant that Cruz had a sibling enrolled at the school, and he was bumped up the waiting list. “I told the admissions office that I would take any place that became available, even if in Grade 00. Less than a year later I got the call that they had a spot for Cruz and I snatched it up.”

The demand for space is probably greater at popular public schools. And while it helps if you have some connection with the school as a former pupil, it’s no longer enough to guarantee your child’s place. I have already submitted Erin’s application for Grade R at my alma mater, but we are at a loose end when it comes to Conor. My husband is not from Cape Town, so he does not have an Old Boys’ network here that we can tap into. I’ve been told that unless his name was on a list seconds after his birth, the chance of him being considered at any of the independent schools is minimal. Fortunately, most public schools only take applications 18 months in advance. But we have also been tipped off that some schools won’t even look at our application if we are not within walking distance. Needless to say, we’ve moved house closer to the school to up our odds of being considered.

not child’s play Don’t be fooled into thinking preschool will be a doddle. It can be just as treacherous trying to find a spot for your toddler as it is to get your child into Grade R. I made the rookie mistake of thinking it would be a cinch to get Erin into the playschool I had attended for four happy years. But when I called, the receptionist was not the slightest bit interested in my memories of macaroni necklaces and nativity plays at the school in the seventies. In fact, she was brusque and dismissive.

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May 2015

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PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

It can be just as treacherous trying to find a spot for your toddler as it is to get your child into Grade R.

I sent through my application form, as directed, but to date there’s been no response.

I guess that was a “no” then? I understand that receptionists must get hundreds of queries; some I encountered were rude and even condescending. One laughed outright when I asked if there was place for Erin when term started in six months’ time. Making calls to preschools was, at times, more daunting than any job interview I’ve ever had.

I was acutely aware that everything I said during the conversation could influence our chances of being considered.

primary concerns Now with Grade R for Erin fast approaching, I’ve done my research well in advance. I’ve mapped the admission timelines in my diary and set a reminder on my phone for the earliest date when I can drop off the bundle of forms – which is more thorough than the paperwork we filled in for our bond application. Everything is up-to-date – clinic card, proof of address, recent reports. There’s no room for error in this game.

While the battle stories abound – one mother admitted that putting “atheist” as the family’s religion on the application form probably didn’t endear her to the Catholic school she had her heart set on for her daughter – it seems that eventually everyone does find a place. Most of the parents I’ve spoken to say it depends on the area and the school’s feeder-zone policy, as well as whether you are hoping to get into an independent school, or a public school.

Don’t get hung up on where you have gone. A school can change so much in two years, let alone 20.

Danielle du Plessis of Cape Town says she enrolled her son into an independent school close to home when he was six weeks old. “We were the last [of our friends] to have a child, so luckily we knew how difficult it was to get into a school.” She says one of the other schools they had considered made the application process feel like a business transaction, and the school has yet to respond to her query almost 18 months later.

Parents often move to a specific area just to fall within the catchment area for a school.

But be warned that schools have wised up to this scheme, and many will ask for a proof of address – either a title deed or lease if you are renting (and make sure you have a longterm lease). I’ve even heard of parents who’ve paid friends in a catchment area to use their address so that they can get into their school of choice.

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May 2015

15

education

stress-free school applications

Zita Wicht, of Cape Town, moved to Bergvliet to get her daughter into a popular public school in the area. She applied for Grade R when her daughter was three, but the application was turned down. Fortunately, she was accepted a year later for Grade 1. “We were told by the headmaster that there were more applications from people living in Bergvliet than spots in the school. So even moving to the area does not guarantee you a spot.” Sometimes you can get a spot by luck of the draw. Kasia Cloete of Paarl said her daughter got into a school there when another pupil failed to turn up for class. Other parents have been turned away during the initial application process, only to find out near the end of the fourth term that a spot has freed up and their child has been accepted. Caminey Kuropatwa, originally from the United Kingdom, says, “We didn’t put the children’s names down at birth, but we were

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May 2015

constantly being told by everyone that we were mad not to. But then when we did find the right school, it was all quite straightforward.” She eventually put her daughter’s name down for an independent school when she turned two, and Ellie is happily going into Grade R there now.

“My advice would be to go and visit every school in your area and totally ignore what your friends and parents recommend. It’s so personal. Don’t get hung up on where you have gone. A school can change so much in two years, let alone 20,” says Charlene Irwin, who works for a public school in the southern suburbs of Cape Town.

Charlene says Grade R is the biggest challenge for space.

“Most schools only have two Grade R classes, but four Grade 1 classes. As a result, Grade R fills up with siblings, leaving little space for new families. Pick a preschool that includes Grade R and apply as early as you can.”

• Do your research. Find out about the admissions policy of your preferred school(s). While some independent schools welcome admissions “far in advance”, many public schools have an 18-month policy.

• Make sure all your documentation is updated and complete. Many parents have been told that the school won’t even consider an incomplete application.

• Follow up on your application. I was told by one of the preschools I contacted that they make a note each time a parent calls to follow up. It shows “interest” in the school, and these parents on the waiting list would be considered first if there was an opening.

• Don’t see the waiting list as “second best”.

Grab the opportunity with both hands. So much can happen during the year. Accepted applicants may move, or have a change of heart, and a place for your child could suddenly open up.

• Don’t hedge all your bets on one school. Make sure you have options and apply to more than one school. That way you can be assured a place in at least one of your top three choices.

• Speak to other parents about their experiences so that you know how the process works. But try to avoid the negative chatter about all the difficulties – it will just make you more anxious.

• If possible, apply to schools with Grade R as soon as you can. These classes fill up quickly.

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spotlight

leaving facebook MEGAN HJELM has had enough of flippant “likes” and noisy timelines, opting instead for real-world interaction.

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his article isn’t going to make me popular. And perhaps that’s what lies at the core of our fascination with Facebook: our need to be popular. I had that need. I spent my adolescence in search of popularity. I still feel a pang when I’m left out. Yet I’ve just walked away from the biggest group I know.

Since leaving school, I’ve tried to surround myself with kind friends – you know the type – the ones that build you up, not break you down. I’ve rejected groups in favour of individual friendships with people I truly value. And my motley friends are the best. They do not form a group though, and barely know each other. But they are my people.

PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

I think I see the drawcard: the more “friends” you have, the more “likes” you get, the more popular you feel.

As a mother of a nine year old and an 11 year old, I find it mildly distressing to watch cliques of mothers form and dissolve in the school car park before my weary 42-year-old eyes. I watch and wait until I find someone I can really talk to. But, just when I think I’ve figured out my way, another group materialises, a huge one that I find difficult to avoid: Facebook “friends”.

Reluctantly, I initially join Facebook so I can be a part of my old school’s twentieth magazine durban

reunion communiqués. Afterwards I remove myself from Facebook at the first opportunity. A few years later, I rejoin because of a writing retreat’s group page.

I tell myself I have a good reason. Within weeks, the writer’s group becomes a forum for the facilitator to market her products, and for spatters of inane chatter that are far removed from the quiet of the retreat we all shared in the shadow of the Drakensberg.

I feel myself being sucked into the social-networking quagmire. I work from home and I can be frantic; and I can be totally bored. In the quiet times, I find myself logging on more and more. I even sneak a look on my phone while waiting for my children in the car. I am a slow, rolling stone, gathering “friends”. I think I see the drawcard: the more “friends” you have, the more “likes” you get, the more popular you feel. Despite my inner writer’s yearnings, I pat myself on the back for resisting the impulse to post, and I am not very active on Facebook. I pride myself on subtlety and understatement.

But that doesn’t stop me peeking.

I’m not even doing anything wrong, I tell myself. It’s all legitimate spying, merely reading what people are putting on my wall. Anyway, this is what they want. I look every time I’m bored. It’s like a drug. And my head fills with noise.

An ex-boyfriend from the other side of the country turns up in the party photos of a fellow school mother. What’s he doing here? A woman who once threw herself at my husband befriends me. Really? I see Joan had a birthday celebration and didn’t invite us. Candy was obviously left out

too, because she promptly comments, “I see we didn’t crack the nod this year!” A school mom writes that she gave her son an iPad last week on condition that he gets an A in the exams next year. Huh? I see that Sam really loves his wife: he posted a dripping love letter. Does this make his love more real? Have I missed something?

Shouldn’t he share this with her, not his 167 Facebook “friends”?

I find that I’ve cleared some debris; I can now hear the sounds of my life…

Is everyone really having this much fun? Endless parties, flowing wine, posed smiles all round. The dinner Laura and Ben went to last weekend looked amazing. And there they are, arms around each other, looking so happy. Only I know that the summons was served on Monday.

The noise in my head gets louder and louder. I feel awful, and can barely find my way through the clouds of criticism and judgement my thoughts have become.

My heart is heavy and bitter. I take a long sobering look at this unhealthy relationship: Facebook and me. Does it make me feel good? Ever? Am I a better mother to my children because of it? A better wife to my husband? A better friend? Does it build me up? Have we all lost the plot?

So I leave.

I leave without any fanfare. When I posted a new profile picture on Facebook

months ago, somehow all my “friends” got a notification. When I deleted my account, not a soul was notified, I simply disappeared as if I had never existed.

Social media experts remind us, however, that every keystroke we’ve ever made, every photo we’ve ever posted, can be retrieved later – word vomit will never go away.

In the days that follow my departure, I feel the odd pang of loss. I miss that useful community group that lists items for sale at great prices, and the group that reviews the latest books. Regardless, a lightness creeps in and my shoulders drop. I find that I’ve cleared some debris; I can now hear the sounds of my life: my children shouting ‘Mooom’ for the fourteenth time this hour; my dog barking at a bloated frog; the tone of my friend’s voice when she says she’s fine about the photo that was posted last week, even though she’s not.

I still know about the parties that count: the ones I go to, spending time with good friends and laughing. I still know about my friends’ children and their achievements. But I hear about these things over a cup of coffee or sitting in the sunlight on a bench or on Skype.

And I hear the whole story now: the achievements, the struggles, the funny little anecdotes. I am present to the moments in my life. I do keep checking the postbox for that dripping love letter from my husband; I’m sure it will arrive any day now.

I’m slowly building up my reserves, my energy, to put into what matters to me: my family, my work, my precious friends.

And quiet.

May 2015

17

book extract

e h t b e y l s n t o

melt-in-the-mouth oxtail Merle van den Berg, Beacon Bay Serves 10 to 12 It’s worth the extra effort to reduce the oxtail’s fattiness by starting the procedure the day before the dish is required. ingredients • 2 large onions, coarsely chopped • 4 carrots, coarsely sliced • 4 stalks celery, coarsely sliced • garlic to taste • 2,5–3kg oxtail • 1 bottle (750ml) dry red wine • 1 sachet/bottle (130g) sun-dried tomato pesto (or 20 rehydrated sun-dried tomatoes) • 10ml white sugar • 30ml soy sauce • 15ml Worcestershire sauce • 15ml dried mixed herbs • 45ml crème fraîche or sour cream • 30ml chopped parsley method Preheat the oven to 150˚C.

Sharing a satisfying meal around a table with family and friends is a tradition worth keeping. Best Recipes, compiled by CHRISTELLE ERASMUS, will give you some great ideas to spoil mom on Mother’s Day.

caramelised butternut and pear salad

Prepare the vegetables and place them, together with the garlic, on the base of a casserole dish. Cover with the oxtail and pour over the red wine. Add the remaining ingredients, except the crème fraîche or sour cream, and the parsley. Cook, covered, in the oven for 6 to 8 hours until the biggest pieces of meat are tender.

Remove the pieces of oxtail with a spoon and place in the refrigerator overnight. Strain the liquid from the vegetables and store the liquid and vegetables in the refrigerator overnight in two separate containers.

On the following day, remove the thick layer of fat from the liquid. The larger pieces of oxtail will still have pieces of visible fat. Remove with a knife. Discard the fat or keep for roasting potatoes on another day.

To make the gravy, place the strained liquid from the vegetables into a saucepan and heat. Blend the vegetables until smooth using a stick blender or food processor and add to the liquid. Stir until mixed. The mixture should be thick enough so that you shouldn’t need to add a thickening agent.

Simmer gently and add the sour cream or crème fraîche.

Place a layer of the gravy into a serving dish, and then add a layer of oxtail pieces. Repeat the layers, ending with a layer of gravy.

Reheat in the oven for 1 hour at 150˚C before serving with mashed potatoes flavoured with chopped leeks, and your choice of vegetables or salads. Homemade bread is also a good accompaniment – especially with the wonderful gravy.

Sprinkle parsley over the oxtail just before serving.

Elma Heyns, Bloemfontein Serves 6

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The flavours in this salad complement one another beautifully, particularly the saltiness of the prosciutto with the sweet caramel flavours.

This salad is also very versatile – it can be served as a starter, a light lunch or as a side dish with beef fillet grilled over the coals.

method

ingredients • 500g peeled butternut, cut into chunks • 3 pears, peeled, cored and quartered (and then each quarter cut in half) • olive oil for grilling • 30ml honey • 15ml balsamic vinegar • rocket leaves or curly lettuce leaves • 5 slices prosciutto • 50g pine nuts, toasted in a dry pan until lightly browned and flavoursome • Parmesan cheese • balsamic reduction • balsamic and olive oil dressing

butternut and pears and mix through until well

May 2015

Preheat the oven to 200˚C. Place the butternut and pears on a baking tray and rub all over with olive oil. Drizzle the honey and balsamic vinegar over the coated. Roast in the oven until caramelised and soft. Give the mixture a stir halfway through the PHOTOGRAPHS: Danie Janse van Vuuren

cooking time and spread out again in an even layer. Set aside to cool.

Place the rocket leaves on a serving platter and arrange the cooled butternut and pears on top. Tear the prosciutto into strips and scatter over the salad with the pine nuts. Top with some shavings of Parmesan cheese and drizzle sparingly with the balsamic reduction.

Serve with balsamic and olive oil dressing.

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jaco’s mexican chip thingy

pancake parcels with milk tart filling and orange sauce

Barbara Roux, Linden Serves 4

Annerien Vermeulen, Centurion Serves 12

My friend Jaco makes this dish often and it is great for fun social gatherings.

It’s very filling and in winter it helps to provide heat from the inside. ingredients • 15ml olive oil • 2 onions • 500g mince • 250g mushrooms, sliced • 1 tin (410g) chakalaka (as hot as you like it) • lettuce • 1 each red, green and yellow peppers • cucumber • cherry tomatoes • 1 large packet (250g) sweet chilli pepper Doritos corn chips • grated cheese method Heat the olive oil in a saucepan.

Slice one onion and fry until translucent. Add the mince and stir-fry until cooked. Add the mushrooms and fry until cooked. Add the chakalaka and simmer until the sauce thickens.

ingredients | pancakes • 500ml flour • 625ml water • 125ml cooking oil • 10ml baking powder • 2 eggs • 3ml salt • 12,5ml vinegar • oil to grease the pan

Slice the lettuce, the remaining onion, peppers, cucumber and tomatoes and keep them all separate.

Arrange the ingredients on a large platter as follows: start with a layer of corn chips, followed by lettuce, onion, peppers, cucumber and tomatoes. Spoon the mince mixture over the top and sprinkle over the grated cheese. Serve immediately and dig in.

mediterranean vegetable stack with roasted pepper pesto Carolyn Trollope, Rynfield Serves 6 ingredients | roasted pepper pesto • 1 large red pepper • 60ml fresh, torn basil leaves • 20ml Parmesan cheese • 30ml olive oil • 60ml pine nuts • 1 clove garlic, minced • dash of balsamic vinegar • salt and pepper ingredients | vegetable stack • 1 brinjal • salt • sheet puff pastry • 6 baby marrows • 2 rounds feta cheese • olive oil to brush • rocket to garnish method | pesto Grill the red pepper under a preheated oven grill, turning every 10 minutes or so until the skin is blistered and blackened on all sides.

Remove from the oven and immediately

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put into a bowl and cover with plastic wrap, allowing it to sweat. Once cool, remove the skin, slice the pepper and de-seed it. Put the pepper, basil, Parmesan cheese, 15ml of the olive oil and the pine nuts in a processor. Blitz together, then add the garlic plus the remaining olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and whiz until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste, and add more olive oil if a thinner consistency is preferred. Put into a sterilised jar and seal for at least 1 hour before using.

Preheat the oven to 200˚C. Grease a baking tray. method | vegetable stack Slice the brinjal into rounds, sprinkle salt over both sides and leave on a rack for 10 minutes. Rinse and pat dry.

Using a cookie cutter, cut 6 rounds of puff pastry, place on the baking tray and bake for about 30 minutes or until golden.

Cut the baby marrows into rounds and brush these and the brinjal rounds lightly with olive oil, then grill on a greased baking tray until cooked through.

Place a puff pastry round on each plate, then layer it with brinjal, baby marrow and feta until there are two layers of each. Top with some pepper pesto and garnish with rocket.

Serve immediately.

ingredients | filling • 75ml flour • 500ml milk • 75ml sugar • 1 cinnamon stick • 2 egg yolks, beaten • 1ml salt • 25ml butter • 5ml vanilla essence ingredients | orange sauce • 125ml sugar • 50ml water • 500ml fresh orange juice • 5ml grated orange zest • 30ml orange liqueur (Van der Hum) • 30ml brandy • a pinch of salt • 50g butter, cubed method | pancakes Mix all the pancake ingredients together until smooth. If necessary, add more water to thin the batter. Set aside for about 30 minutes.

Preheat a lightweight pan until very hot. Add just enough oil to the pan to grease it. Using a soup ladle, spoon some batter into the pan.

Add just enough batter to cover the

base of the pan; the pancakes shouldn’t be too thick. As soon as the edges of the pancake start to lift, turn over the pancake and cook the other side for about 30 seconds. Tip out the pancake onto a plate. Continue making pancakes until the batter is used up.

Keep a container of oil nearby and add about 5ml oil to the pan after every second or third pancake. method | filling Mix the flour with 50ml milk and 10ml sugar until it forms a paste.

Heat the rest of the milk, sugar and the cinnamon stick until it comes to the boil. Stir in the flour paste. Remove from the heat and stir in the egg yolks and salt. Return to the heat and stir for one minute until the filling is smooth and thick. Remove from the heat again and stir in the butter and vanilla essence. Discard the cinnamon stick. method | orange sauce Place the sugar, water and orange juice in a saucepan over low heat.

Stir until the sugar has dissolved, then add the orange zest. Cook over low heat for 30 minutes. Stir in the liqueur, brandy and salt, and add the butter, a cube at a time. to assemble Place a good spoonful of filling in the centre of a pancake. Fold over the pancakes so that it resembles an envelope or parcel. Place the pancake parcel on a plate and spoon over some of the sauce.

about the book Boasting South Africa’s best home cooking, selected from Leisure Books’ intrepid home cooks, Best Recipes (Human & Rousseau) compiled by Christelle Erasmus, will take pride of place in your kitchen.

With more than 100 recipes – from bread and soup to enticing starters, delicious mains and desserts for the sweet tooth – it offers something for every taste.

Some of the recipes are old favourites that have been given a new lease on life, while others are fresh ideas using exciting yet easy-to-come-by ingredients. Best Recipes is available at all good bookstores for R295.

May 2015

19

relationships

my husband is jealous of our child!

The arrival of a baby is supposed to bring families closer together, but what happens when your child appears to be driving a wedge between you and your partner?

ELAINE POWELL finds out what makes some fathers – and mothers – jealous of their children.

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May 2015

that he admitted that he resented the attention I was giving Jack, and that he felt jealous of his son. I was floored. Was it something I was doing? Was I doting excessively on our son? Had I failed Mike as a wife?

unresolved issues Well, it seems my husband’s reaction is not uncommon and it’s certainly not unique to fathers. Gauteng-based counselling psychologist Brian Blem says these feelings of resentment are quite normal and based on two key factors: the health of the relationship prior to pregnancy and children; and the extent of any “unfinished business” from childhood that each partner may be carrying. “The feelings of insecurity that are triggered in the father are often regardless of the sex of the child, although it may be the case that a male child is more threatening for certain fathers,” says Blem. But these feelings can be experienced by mothers struggling to bond with their children too, he adds.

finding the source Once the elephant in the room had been exposed, I wanted to know what had caused my husband to feel this way. Mike explained that he felt left out when Jack and I were together, and that I tended to put the children’s needs ahead of our priorities as a couple. Something as simple as kissing Jack before I had greeted him when I came home really bothered my husband. He also got irritated if Jack wanted to sit on my lap, or be picked up.

I really struggled with this. My maternal wiring was telling me that the children, especially when they are so young, should come first. But Mike vehemently disagreed, and said that this put us at an impasse in our relationship. Blem says the birth of a child will change the husband-and-wife dynamic to include a father-and-mother dimension. “If the spousal system is already under strain, usually due to a breakdown in communication, then adding the extra pressure of operating a parental system, where couples are challenged to support each other as parents, the

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PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

p

arenting involves a rollercoaster of emotions: love, devotion, fatigue and sometimes even fear.

But I never expected jealousy and resentment to rear their ugly heads, and certainly not in my husband’s relationship with our son. Jack*, now almost three years old, has always been demanding. But his devotion to me seems to have intensified in the past six months to the point where he won’t even let his father dress him. I put his preference for me down to normal toddler clinginess, and thought nothing of it. But then my husband, Mike*, started to treat Jack differently. I noticed that he was becoming less tolerant of Jack’s antics.

While his sister, Jade*, could get away with normal childish naughtiness, Jack was immediately and often harshly reprimanded. At times Mike was cold and even dismissive of Jack. Other people started noticing Mike’s attitude towards Jack.

Concerned, I warned Mike that he would come to regret the way he was treating his son, and it was only then

especially during the early months. “Open and honest communication at this time is critical, and couples would do well to have built a solid platform of dealing with issues and resolving conflict before starting a family.”

what can you do?

chances of misunderstanding and resentment are even greater.” Unfortunately, these feelings are then projected onto the source of the frustration – the child.

under pressure Mike was keen to be a father, and he was delighted when we had our pigeon pair, so I never expected he would feel resentment towards either of them; especially not his son.

But Blem says it’s often only when the pressures of being married and having children are applied that a parent with unfinished business from childhood will start to reveal these hurtful patterns. “When our primary needs for safety and significance are not being met in our relationships, anyone else who appears to be getting or preventing what we believe we need, will be at the receiving end of our pain and frustration.” Blem says men who were reluctant to have children could also be dealing with unresolved childhood issues, and this could make them behave negatively towards their children.

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I’ve also been concerned that Jack may have picked up on Mike’s attitude towards him, and that this could make him reluctant to bond with his father. Blem says children, being sensitive and perceptive to their parents’ moods, will identify who they perceive as the safer parent to be with and this may exacerbate underlying tensions between the parents.

the blame game So, was I at fault for being too absorbed in my children?

Blem says a healthy attachment between a mother and her child is important, especially in the first year. “However, this should be a shared responsibility, and hands-on fathers make a huge difference to the process of helping new mothers to get the balance right. In the process, fathers should also build a strong attachment to their child by getting as involved as possible with the help of their partners.” He says it is to be expected that fathers will go through a period of getting less attention from their wives,

Hands-on fathers who share the joys and pressures of parenting will find themselves less needy of their partner’s attention, says Blem. So get your husband involved as soon as possible with all aspects of childcare.

Communication is key. Talk about your expectations of parenting, and of marriage, so that you both understand your respective needs in the respective relationships.

When the children are older, set aside a day where just one parent spends time with a child. I’ve started taking Jade out to do something “girly” so that Mike gets to do guy stuff with Jack. It’s valuable bonding time for all of us.

Also make time for “date nights” or opportunities where you can spend quality time with just your spouse.

Some families will benefit from therapy or counselling.

“This could be just the call to growth that individuals and couples need to respond to in order to ensure that their relationships and family context becomes a healthy and ultimately happy one,” says Blem. “Our unfinished childhood issues remain just that – unfinished, until we have the courage to face our problems directly and take responsibility for the things that have happened in our lives. The beauty of couple counselling is not just two for the price of one, but that you don’t have to go it alone – you get to go on the journey of healing with the person you love.” *Names have been changed and Elaine Powell is a pseudonym.

May 2015

21

parenting

o

ne of the more common issues I’m confronted with in my practice is a seemingly entrenched breakdown in the relationship between a parent and their teenager. The most common reason for this breakdown is the firmly-held belief by each of them that the other person is not listening.

There are two main sources of conflict between parents and teenagers. The first is the presence of limits (in the teenager’s mind, the imposition of limits). The second source of conflict is often due to difficulties caused by the natural separation that takes place between parents and children during the teenage years. Conflict caused by limitsetting is normally easy to identify. It’s not necessarily easy to resolve, but at least it’s a lot clearer what all the fighting is about. Conflict due to issues of separation, on the other hand, is a lot less clear and more difficult to acknowledge, and can take longer to sort out. Differentiating between these two causes is central to understanding and resolving parent-teenager breakdowns.

be allowed to do whatever you want, and if you carry on speaking to me like that, instead of getting more privileges, you are going to end up with a lot less.”

This approach will not necessarily prevent conflict, but it will prevent a breakdown of your relationship.

acknowledging difference Conflicts caused by issues to do with separation are very different. One of the fundamental, defining aspects of adolescence is the natural separation which takes place between parents and their children – in short, the realisation that you and your child are two separate people. This may sound simple, but many parents find it quite difficult to realise that their child actually does exist as an entirely separate, entirely unique human being in their own right.

Teenagers need to believe that they are their own person with their own thoughts, ideas and opinions. This is an essential part of their growth, and has very little to do with the parents. We are not supposed to be threatened by this need, nor are we supposed to envy it.

testing the limits

You are allowed to say whatever you like, but you may not do whatever you like.

Now, before you recoil in horror, please understand that you don’t have to disclose this principle to your teenager; just be conscious of it when conflict arises. In the heat of the moment, this principle is a tool that will enable you to carry on dealing with the issue. You can deal with the manner in which your teenager has spoken to you after the dust has settled.

working it out The important thing to realise is that the conflict is taking place within the context of your relationship. As the parent, you need to be determined and committed

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May 2015

i hate you, mom!

GARY KOEN helps parents get to the root of parent-teenager breakdowns by asking: “What is the fight really about?” to working it out no matter what it takes. Furthermore, the principle of allowing your teenager to say what they want but not necessarily do what they want, is an acknowledgement of their separate mind and separate experience. The conflict you may be facing is being driven by difference.

In many ways, this approach also shows your teenager that you can survive whatever they throw at you and proves that you are even willing to tolerate their hatred of you, if you believe you are acting in their best interests (even though they may not agree). Once the screaming has stopped and calm has returned, there will be an opportunity to work out exactly what happened. You will also have an opportunity to deal with the way in which they spoke to you. I suggest you say something like this: “What you said was abusive. However, I can, and would rather, put up with your abuse of me, than knowingly allow you to go out and do things that I know are going to be harmful and destructive. So understand this: you are not going to

Teenagers need to believe that they are their own person with their own thoughts, ideas and opinions.

Parents often make a common but quite serious mistake when they assume that “Because you are my child, I understand you completely”. When the teenager attempts to communicate something different, or expresses an alternative point of view, the parent cannot listen because they are unable to comprehend that their child may have a different experience to them.

The underlying fear is that this difference will drive them apart. Very often the intense frustration that a teenager feels is in direct response to the parent who claims to infinitely understand them. Then “I hate you!” takes on significantly different proportions. What the teenager is really saying is: “I hate the way you see me (or don’t see me). You only see what you want to see!” If you dismiss this as just another example of teenage angst, do not be surprised if they then explode into a furious rage and stop talking to you altogether.

This kind of breakdown normally requires professional help because it is almost impossible for the parties involved to resolve it themselves. The simple goal of therapy in such cases is to create a space where they are able to start listening to one another again. The truth is that most teenagers are not comfortable living with this kind of emotional violence in their lives and, provided there is a mutual acknowledgement of wanting to work things out, are generally receptive to a solution.

about the author Gary Koen is a clinical psychologist working mainly with adults and adolescents. As a father of three, he is heavily invested in everything he says. For more information, visit garykoen.co.za

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

As I wrote in “parenting within bounds” (Child magazine, November 2013), teenagers need limits. It makes them feel safe knowing that someone (preferably the parent) is capable of drawing a line, which they will invariably need to challenge while the other person stands their ground.

Teenagers need limits, because without them they are unable to grow, but this doesn’t mean they want them.

Most of the time these limits appear to prevent them from doing the things they enjoy. They’re unreasonable, unnecessary, illogical and merely designed to spoil their fun. Teenagers may accept these limits at times, but they often lead to arguments, which can quickly spiral into fullblown shouting matches where irrational and hurtful things get said. It’s not uncommon for an aggrieved teenager who is being thwarted in their desire to do something to storm off screaming “I hate you!” at either of their parents, slam their bedroom door and collapse onto their beds shaking with anger. While this sudden, furious level of conflict can leave the whole family feeling shaken and traumatised, I find that at times like these it is quite helpful to employ this simple principle: “You are allowed to say whatever you like, but you may not do whatever you like.”

books

a good

read early graders

preschoolers

toddlers Thank You, Jackson

By Niki and Jude Daly

Busy Machines: Let’s Dig!

By Julie Fletcher

Look Who’s Hiding!: Counting

By Sharon Rentta

(Published by Scholastic, R103) Children from the age of three years old will enjoy this colourful book packed with vehicles from a building site.

They will love turning the chunky shaped pages and discovering a big bulldozer, a busy digger, a tall crane, a spinning cement mixer and a noisy dumper. With bright illustrations, simple rhyming text that is perfect for reading aloud, and easy-to-turn pages, this is an ideal first book for toddlers.

(Published by Scholastic, R123) Squirrel is planning a picnic and she wants some friends to join in the fun.

Toddlers will love pulling the super-sturdy, slide-out pages of this chunky board book to reveal one badger, two foxes, three owls, four rabbits and five ducklings.

With lots of humour along the way and a fabulous cast of animal characters, this is a delightful way to introduce children to counting. Other titles in this series cover animal sounds, colours and opposites.

(Published by Jacana Media, R108) Jackson, an old donkey, goes up the hill to market with his heavy load, until he suddenly sits down and will go no further.

The farmer pushes and pulls, but Jackson will not go! Now the farmer picks up a big stick… “Stop!” calls his little son, Goodwill, and he whispers something in the donkey’s ear. Could Goodwill’s whispered words save the day? This warm-hearted story, with stunning illustrations by a worldrenowned artist, shows the importance of courtesy and kindness.

Love from Pooh

By AA Milne and EH Shepard (Published by Egmont Children’s Books, R110) One should not really attach this little gem to a particular age group; it’s for anyone who loves Winnie-the-Pooh. It’s a great read for when you feel like wearing your heart on your sleeve, as the book features words of love from Winnie-the-Pooh through original quotations from AA Milne’s stories and poems: “Wherever I am there’s always Pooh, there’s always Pooh and me.

Whatever I do, he wants to do; ‘Where are you going today?’ says Pooh. ‘Well that’s very odd ’cos I was too.’”

for us preteens and teens

George and the Unbreakable Code

By Lucy and Stephen Hawking (Published by Random House Group, R180) George and his best friend Annie haven’t had any space adventures for a while and they’re missing the excitement. But not for long… Soon, seriously strange things start happening. Banks are handing out free money; supermarkets can’t charge for their produce so people are getting free food; and aircraft will not fly. It looks like the world’s biggest and best computers have all been hacked. George and Annie will travel further into space than ever before in order to find out who is behind it. Co-written by the brilliant theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking, this edition for children from the age of 11 years old also includes amazing facts about space. magazine durban

Cake Decorating with Grace Stevens

By Grace Stevens Leaving Before the Rains Come

By Alexandra Fuller (Published by Random House Group, R350) In 1992 Alexandra Fuller embarked on a new journey, into a long, tempestuous marriage to Charlie Ross, the love of her life. In this frank, personal memoir, a sequel to Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight, she charts their 20 years together, from the brutal beauty of the Zambezi to the mountains of Wyoming – the new adventures, the unexplored paths, the insurmountable obstacles… and the many signals that they missed along the way.

(Published by Struik Lifestyle, R207) The much-awaited Cake Decorating with Grace Stevens follows on the success of Grace’s previous book, Celebration Cakes. This book boasts more sugar flowers than the original, and also includes new fondant figures, wedding cakes and theme-specific celebration cakes for Easter and Christmas. Grace’s enchanting fondant figurines and cakes are unique, and the step-by-step full-colour photography and detailed instructions make their creation highly achievable. The in-depth techniques section will also teach readers how to sculpt, fill, stack, ganache and dowel cakes.

Tech-savvy parenting Parenting

By Nikki Bush and Arthur Goldstuck (Published by Bookstorm, R229) Nikki Bush and Arthur Goldstuck, a technical commentator, will help parents get a handle on what’s happening in consumer technology.

In this sensitive and insightful guide, they carve a path through the maze of terminology, dangers and opportunities to help parents navigate new spaces together with their children, with greater confidence. In explaining the technology, they never ignore the human context: to place children’s use of technology in the context of the relationship between parent and child.

May 2015

23

resource

convenience shopping TAMLYN VINCENT rounds up the malls in Durban that will welcome you and your children and make the store-run easier. ballito junction

Entertainment Several familyfriendly restaurants are available.

Area William Campbell Dr, La Lucia

This is a convenient shopping destination for the local community and holidaymakers.

Changing and feeding The ground level ablutions include a babychanging table.

Parking and security Free undercover and open parking bays provide adequate parking for moms with tots as well as paraplegic shoppers. They have 24-hour security to ensure the safety of all visitors.

Entertainment A coffee shop and restaurants open onto an astroturf play area for little ones, and the Spur has a children’s play area.

Area Leonora Dr Extension, Ballito

Contact 031 562 8420 or visit laluciamall.co.za

the pavilion

ballito lifestyle centre This is an outdoor centre with a variety of shops and restaurants, which makes for a fun, al fresco shopping experience.

Changing and feeding Family toilets and baby-changing facilities are available.

Parking and security There is easy access to parking bays, with free open and covered parking available.

There is also 24-hour security.

Entertainment Children are catered for with the play areas in John Dory’s and Wimpy. There is also a Foodies Market, which takes place on the first Saturday of every month from 8am–12pm.

The market supports local suppliers of organic and freshly produced foods, and offers a combination of artisan foods.

Area cnr 398 and 445 Main Rd, Ballito Contact 083 231 2990, marketing@ ballitolifestylecentre.co.za or visit ballitolifestylecentre.co.za

city view shopping centre Conveniently located, City View Shopping Centre offers a variety of parent and childfriendly facilities.

Changing and feeding There are baby-changing rooms available.

Parking and security There is rooftop moms and tots parking, where there is also a car wash. There is 24-hour security.

Entertainment There are a number of child-friendly food outlets, and an Action Sports Arena. The centre also frequently holds promotions and activities during school and public holidays.

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May 2015

Area 10 Matthews Meyiwa Rd, Greyville Contact 031 309 6737 or visit cityview.co.za

galleria mall Galleria Mall encompasses an all-inone shopping experience that balances convenience with entertainment in a safe, modern shopping environment.

Changing and feeding There are baby-changing and feeding facilities.

Parking and security There is secure parking, with moms and tots parking also available.

Entertainment This includes cinemas, the Galleria Ice Rink, bowling, glow-in-the-dark mini golf, go-karting and more. The mall also features restaurants, fast food outlets and ice-cream stores located throughout the centre.

Area cnr Moss Kolnik and Arbour Crossing, Amanzimtoti Contact 031 904 2233 or visit galleria.co.za

gateway theatre of shopping Gateway offers shoppers everything from fun and entertainment, to retail, supermarkets, restaurants and more.

Changing and feeding There are family rooms at all of the public toilets, with baby-changing and feeding stations.

Parking and security Moms and tots parking is available. There is 24-hour security and access to 24-hour ambulance services. There is a paramedic on-site during peak hours, and a unit that can also assist with flat tyres or batteries.

Entertainment These include the cinemas, rides, video games, go-karting, a sports arena, and the Wave House, along with a variety of food outlets and restaurants.

Area 1 Palm Boulevard, Umhlanga Ridge Contact 031 514 0500 or visit gatewayworld.co.za

hillcrest corner Find lifestyle, fashion and convenience shopping. Staying open until 6pm on weekdays also means moms can fit in lastminute shopping.

Changing and feeding The bathrooms on both levels include baby-changing facilities, while also catering for young children.

Parking and security Parentfriendly parking facilities, as well as those for shoppers with disabilities on all levels. The centre is pram-friendly with lifts on all levels. Plus, security is provided 24-hours a day.

Entertainment The Pirate’s Cove features a jungle gym, slide and rides.

Area 51–52 Old Main Rd, Hillcrest Contact 031 765 5345 or visit hillcrestcorner.co.za

la lucia mall They offer a range of retail, restaurants and service related businesses.

Changing and feeding Babychanging stations are provided.

Parking and security There is parking for parents with prams, and parking for mothers to be. Security guards and CCTV cameras offer 24-hour security.

Contact 031 275 9800 or visit thepav.co.za

westville mall This centre offers food outlets, fashion, DIY, banks, hair salons, a gym and more.

Changing and feeding There are baby-changing facilities.

Parking and security Moms and tots parking bays are available.

Entertainment There is a gym with facilities for families and where little ones are catered for. There are a variety of eateries and they offer children’s activities during Easter and Christmas holidays.

Area 35 Buckingham Terrace, Westville Contact 031 266 0028 or visit westvillemall.co.za

westwood The mall offers customers a choice of 102 stores and eateries.

Changing and feeding Facilities are available.

Parking and security Moms and tots parking bays are located near all entrances.

Entertainment There is a Planet Fitness gym offering babysitting services, as well as a food court. The Spur also has a children’s play area.

Area 16 Lincoln Terrace, Westville Contact 031 279 2160 or visit westwoodmall.co.za magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH / ILLUSTRATIONS: shutterstock.com

Contact 032 586 1130 or visit ballitojunctionshopping.co.za

Here you can find family fun, great fashion and fine food.

Changing and feeding There are specialised facilities for pregnant women, the disabled and moms and tots.

Baby-changing rooms are available to change and feed babies.

Parking and security There is moms and tots parking for expectant moms or those with babies, and family parking for parents with children under three. There is 24-hour security.

Entertainment There are 40 food outlets, 12 cinemas or you can visit the Fun Company.

Area Jack Martens Dr, Westville

calendar

You can also access the calendar online at

what’s on in may

childmag.co.za

Your guide for what to do, where to go and who to see.

Compiled by TAMLYN VINCENT

24 sun

special events

26

FUN for children

26

only for parents

28

bump, baby & tot in tow

28

how to help

28

SPECIAL EVENTS

PHOTOGRAPHS: VAL ADAMSON / SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

Discovery East Coast Radio Big Walk Families and friends can enjoy a walk along the promenade, with entertainment along the way.

FUN FOR CHILDREN

ONLY FOR PARENTS

bump, baby & tot in tow

how to help

Shrek the Musical Ogre-sized family fun comes your way with the stage adaptation of this hit movie.

7 Deadly Sins This hilarious comedy showcase takes a side-splitting look at the seven deadly sins.

Shongololo Shakers Babies, toddlers and young children are given their first musical experience.

Tekkie Tax Buy a sticker to support animals, basic family care, children, disability or education.

magazine durban

May 2015

25

calendar

SPECIAL EVENTS 7 thursday Craft Beer and Wine Tasting fundraiser With The Robin Hood Foundation. It’s a black and white themed function, and no children are allowed. Time: 6pm–9pm.

Venue: Kloof Country Club, 26 Victory Rd. Cost: R150. Contact: 076 612 9060 or robinhoodfund@telkomsa.net

Shrek the Musical Enjoy ogre-sized family fun with the Broadway musical adaptation of the hit movie Shrek. No children under 6. Ends 28 June. Time: 1:30pm Saturday and Sunday, 7pm Tuesday–Saturday.

Venue: Elizabeth Sneddon Theatre, UKZN, Glenwood. Cost: R180–R300. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

28 thu

24 sunday Discovery East Coast Radio Big Walk All four routes kick off at uShaka Marine World and take walkers to People’s Park at Moses Mabhida Stadium. Time: 20km starts 7am, 15km starts 7:45am, 10km starts 9am, 5km starts 9:45am. Venue: uShaka Marine World to Moses Mabhida Stadium. Cost: R66–R90. For more info: visit ecr.co.za

8 friday You Raise Me Up This show is a tribute to Josh Groban, featuring Rory McLaren. Ends 10 May. Time: varies. Venue: Rhumbelow Theatre, Cunningham Ave, Umbilo. Cost: R120. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

9 saturday Butterflies for Kids with Cancer Crafters and mosaic artists can create a butterfly mosaic to be hung in children’s cancer wards. Join a workshop or drop off the finished mosaic. Time: 9am–12:30pm.

Venue: 50 Haygarth Rd, Kloof. Cost: R50 donation. Contact: sheila.nichol@gmail. com or visit mosaicassociation.co.za Mother’s pamper party Get a massage, style your hair, enjoy live entertainment and more. Open to women over the age of 20. Time: morning session 10am–12pm, afternoon session 2pm–4pm. Venue: Happy Valley, 15 Hamilton Crescent, Gillitts. Cost: R150. Contact: 074 172 7201 or info@ happyvalleyeducentre.co.za

10 sunday Old Mutual Music at the Lake Mother’s Day Concert Treat mom with Gangs of Ballet. Time: 3pm. Venue: Durban Botanic Gardens, Berea. Cost: adults presold ticket R130, on-the-day R150, children 8–12 years old R60. Book through Webtickets: visit webtickets.co.za

World Play Day Cotlands is hosting a series of activities across the country to advocate for the right to play. You can participate by donating towards activities or by promoting this right. Visit the website for ideas. Contact Cotlands for a venue closest to you: 011 683 7201, lois@cotlands.org or visit cotlands.org

iSimangaliso St Lucia half marathon The half marathon includes a 21,1km, 10km and 5km events and a Kiddies Fun Run. Time: 7:30am. Venue: St Lucia Ski Boat Club. Cost: varies. Contact: info@ isimangaliso.com or visit isimangaliso.com

or 10km fun ride. Trail runners can tackle the iNsingizi trail runs. Time: 6am. Venue: Mid-Illovo Club. Cost: R60–R150. Contact: 086 100 7624, info@roag.co.za or visit husqvarnaclassic.co.za

15 friday

7 Deadly Sins Side-splitting scenarios explore lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. Ends 24 May. Time: 7pm Thursday–Saturday, 2:30pm Sunday. Venue: Playhouse Loft Theatre, Anton Lembede Rd, Durban. Cost: R80. Book through Computicket: visit computicket.com

9th Annual Sunflower Fund’s charity ball Time: 6:30pm. Venue: Great Ilanga Room, Southern Sun Elangeni and Maharani Hotel, Beachfront. Cost: R650. Contact: 079 881 3056 or allison@sunflowerfund.org.za Glenridge Pre-primary School annual golf day Enjoy a great day of golf and networking, with prizes to be won. Time: 10:30am. Venue: Royal Durban Golf Club, 7 Mitchell Crescent, Berea. Cost: R400, four-ball R1 600. Contact: 031 261 7272 or admin@glenridgepps.co.za

16 saturday

21 thursday

29 friday Bhakti Eastern mystical philosophy and African contemporary dance rhythms come together. Ends 31 May. Time: 10am Friday, 7:30pm Friday and Saturday, 3pm Sunday.

Venue: Playhouse Drama Theatre, Anton Lembede Rd, Durban. Cost: R85. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

30 saturday John Wesley fun day There is family fun for all, with games, prizes, rides and food. For children 2–10 years old. Time: 9am–12pm. Venue: John Wesley Preprimary School, 4 Daventry Place, La Lucia.

Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 562 0239

FUN FOR CHILDREN

23 saturday

art, culture and science

Guild of St Mary’s Old Girls’ Italian Banquet For Italian food, paired with wines, combined with great music. Time: 6:30pm. Venue: Bellevue Café, 5 Bellevue Rd, Kloof. Cost: R500. Contact: 083 786 1829 or derrybj@telkomsa.net

Art lessons Children 8–17 years old learn painting and drawing methods. Time: 9am–11am every Saturday. Venue: High Ridge Rd, Durban North. Cost: R130 per hour. Contact: 074 178 9388 or sdyson@ remax-panache.co.za

Funk 2015 Thirteen Midlands high schools showcase collaborative dance theatre programmes. Also 18–20 May. Time: 7:30pm–9:30pm. Venue: Hilton College Theatre, Pietermaritzburg. Cost: R66. Book online: visit hiltontheatre.co.za Happy Valley open day Happy Valley Pre-primary Educentre is a private preschool for children 3 months–6 years old.

Time: 10am–12pm. Venue: 15 Hamilton Crescent, Gillitts. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 764 6661, 074 172 7201 or info@ happyvalleyeducentre.co.za Ladies pamper day Join the Feed the Babies Fund for a morning of pampering, prizes, breakfast and entertainment. Dress is smart casual. Time: 8am–12pm. Venue: Coastlands Musgrave Hotel, 315 Peter Mokaba Ridge, Musgrave. Cost: R250.

Contact: 031 201 4682 or fundraising@ feedthebabiesfund.org.za

17 sunday

17 May – Husqvarna Classic Mid-Illovo MTB Challenge and Trail Run

26

May 2015

Husqvarna Classic Mid-Illovo MTB Challenge and Trail Run The event kicks off with the 40km Husqvarna MTB Classic. Less experienced riders can join the 18km Gwahumbe family experience

28 thu

The Parlotones album launch This award-winning outfit releases their new album, Antiques and Artefacts. Ends 29 May. Time: 8pm. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R200. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@barnyardtheatres.co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za

magazine durban

Primary School. Also at Eden College 5 and 6 May, Maris Stella 11 and 12 May, Crawford North Coast 12 and 13 May, Livingstone 19 and 20 May, and St Henry’s 28 and 29 May. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 705 7744 or orders@books2you.co.za Sugar terminal tours These run at scheduled times. Time: from 8:30am Monday–Friday. Venue: 25 Leuchars Rd, Durban. Cost: adults R16, children R8.

Contact: 031 365 8153, tourguide@sasa. org.za or visit sasa.org.za

New Daisy Arts Studio art classes

New Daisy Arts Studio art classes Fine art classes for children, teens and adults cover drawing and painting techniques.

Time: varies. Venue: Hatton Estate, Glenwood or Umbilo. Cost: R90–R130, depending on age group. Contact: 073 540 9210, daniella.hartman@gmail.com or visit Facebook: New Daisy Arts Studio

classes, talks and workshops Computers 4 Kids Time: 10am–11am or 11am–12pm every Saturday. Venue: suite 125 Ridgeton Towers, 6 Aurora Dr, Umhlanga Ridge. Cost: R500 per month. Contact: 073 966 0983, umhlanga@computers4kids.co.za or visit computers4kids.co.za Get Ready for School programme Time: 1pm–2:20pm Monday–Friday.

Venue: Kip McGrath Pinetown, 2nd floor Park Row Building, 4 School Rd, Pinetown.

Cost: varies. Contact: 031 702 6833 Helen O’Grady Drama Academy Foundation, intermediate and youth theatre classes available. Time: afterschool hours. Venue: varies. Cost: R650 per term. Contact: 031 562 0679 or durban@ helenogrady.co.za Shine @ St Martin’s Church Children in Grades R–7 can learn more about Jesus in a fun, safe environment. Time: 5pm–6:30pm every Friday. Venue: 12 Chelsea Dr, Durban North. Cost: free. Contact: 031 563 1222 or sarah@stmartinschurch.co.za

finding nature and outdoor play Flag Animal Farm See the rescued animals, enjoy the indoor play centre and coffee shop as well as other entertainment.

Time: daily milking show 12pm and 3pm, daily reptile show 1:30pm, meet Barney 11:30am and 2:30pm Saturday and Sunday. Venue: Sheffield Beach. Cost: entry R35. Contact: 032 947 2018 The Animal Farmyard Feed the animals and see milking demonstrations. Time: 9am–4:30pm daily, milking 10:30am and 3:30pm. Venue: 3 Lello Rd, Botha’s Hill.

Cost: entry R15, rides R5. Contact: 031 765 2240 or visit animalfarmyard.co.za

markets i heart market Find local, handmade and homemade products. 2 May. Time: 9am–2pm. Venue: Moses Mabhida Stadium, Stamford Hill. Cost: free entry.

Contact: thejoyteam@gmail.com Open Markets The charity shops, tea garden and nursery are open, plus there is food and entertainment. Time: 8am–12pm

family outings Books2You book fair Time: 10am–3pm 4 May, 7:30am–3pm 5 May, 7:30am–10:30am 6 May. Venue: Hillcrest

magazine durban

10 May – The Play Market

Essenwood Market There are free pony rides and entertainment for children. Time: 9am–2pm every Saturday. Venue: Steven Dlamini Rd, Essenwood. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 208 1264, info@essenwoodmarket.com or visit essenwoodmarket.com

every Monday, Thursday and Saturday, 9am–1pm 25 May. Venue: Kloof and Highway SPCA, 29 Village Rd. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 764 1212/3 The Morning Trade This market offers locally produced food. Time: 8am–1pm every Sunday. Venue: 15 Station Dr, Durban. Cost: free entry. Contact: info@ themorningtrade.co.za or visit Facebook: The Morning Trade The Play Market Find crafts, food and fun at this family market on Mother’s Day. 10 May. Time: 9am–2pm. Venue: Giba Gorge Mountain Bike Park, Westmead.

Cost: R10 park entry. Contact: 071 307 0823 or gotoplaymarket@gmail.com

on stage and screen Funk 2015 16 and 18–20 May. Time: 7:30pm–9:30pm. Venue: Hilton College Theatre, Pietermaritzburg. Cost: R66. Book online: visit hiltontheatre.co.za Shrek the Musical No children under 6. 23 May–28 June. Time: varies. Venue: Elizabeth Sneddon Theatre, UKZN, Glenwood. Cost: R200–R295. Book through Computicket: visit computicket.com

playtime and story time Arise @ St Martin’s Church This is a fun-filled children’s programme during the Sunday morning family service. For children from preschool–Grade 7. A room for babies and a crèche for toddlers available. Time: 9am every Sunday. Venue: 12 Chelsea Drive, Durban North. Cost: free. Contact: 031 563 1222 or sarah@stmartinschurch.co.za Lucky Bean A safe children’s outdoor playground and indoor playbarn, and coffee shop. Time: 9am–4pm, Tuesday–Sunday.

Venue: 10 Cadmoor Rd, Assagay. Cost: R20 entry. Contact: 082 216 3892, info@ luckybean.co or visit luckybean.co Steam train rides Ride a miniature steam engine at the Durban Society of Model Engineers on the second Sunday of the month. Time: 11am–4pm. Venue: 4 Hinton Grove, Virginia. Cost: R10 a ride. Contact Gerald: 031 205 1089 or visit dsme.co.za

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calendar Choc – Childhood Cancer Foundation KZN For support and more info, contact: 086 111 2182, dbn@choc.org.za or visit choc.org.za Dyspraxia South Africa A support group for parents or caregivers who have children and young adults dealing with dyspraxia.

Contact: info@dyspraxiasouthafrica.co.za or visit dyspraxiasouthafrica.co.za Overeaters Anonymous For compulsive overeaters. Contact: 011 640 2901, sms 076 274 5474 or visit oa.org.za

bump, baby & Tot in tow

classes, talks and workshops

Ice Hockey

sport and physical activities Ice hockey Children develop agility, strength, coordination and self-confidence as well as teamwork skills. Time: 8:45am–9:30am every Sunday. Venue: Galleria Ice Rink, Amanzimtoti. Cost: varies, first lesson free. Contact: 072 237 3114 or visit durbaknights.wordpress.com Michelle Clark Dance Academy Ballet, modern and tap dancing lessons for children from 3 years old. Time: varies.

Venue: Kloof Civic Hall, Old Main Rd. Cost: varies. Contact: 072 483 6222 or mcclark. dance@gmail.com

only for parents classes, talks and workshops Adult computer course Time: 9am–12pm every Tuesday. Venue: suite 124 Ridgeton Towers, 6 Aurora Dr, Umhlanga Ridge. Cost: R3 980, including examination fees. Contact: 074 113 8364 or umhlanga@computers4kids.co.za Angst Management for moms and dads Book a workshop to help you understand and deal with stress and anger. Afternoon or full-day workshops available. Time: 8:30am–12:15pm Monday–Friday. Venue: Giba Gorge. Cost: R600. Contact: 083 357

8 fri

2610, bonnie@consideredcreative.co.za or visit consideredcreative.co.za A weekend’s retrospective The weekend’s workshops include presentations about therapy, ADHD, trauma and more.

15–17 May. Time: varies. Venue: Eagle’s View Yoga Studio, 5 Galloway Lane, Winston Park. Cost: varies. Contact: 082 499 1344 or vanderplankr@gmail.com HTB Parenting Children course This five-week course is for parents with children up to the age of 10. The course, while based on Christian principles, is relevant for any parent. 20 May–17 June. Time: 7:30pm–9pm every Wednesday. Venue: St. Martin’s Church, 12 Chelsea Dr, Durban North. Cost: free. Contact: 031 563 1222 or sarah@stmartinschurch.co.za Parent effectiveness training course Learn how to talk effectively with your family. 5 May–23 June. Time: 6pm–9pm every Tuesday. Venue: Durban. Cost: R275 per session. Contact: karen@parents.co.za or visit parents.co.za Pilates retreat Pilates in Motion hosts a full-day, fully inclusive Pilates retreat.

31 May. Time: 8:30am–4:30pm. Venue: Waterfall Retreat Centre, 20 Debengeni Rd, Waterfall. Cost: R550. Contact: 082 443 4533 or info@pilatesinmotion.co.za

on stage and screen

HypnoBirthing – The Mongan Method This five-week course prepares expectant parents for calm, comfortable births. Time: varies. Venue: Cowies Hill, Westville. Cost: R1 800 per couple. Contact: 082 538 1173 or callen.gerrits@gmail.com Infant massage Bond, interact and communicate with your baby. Time: varies.

Venue: varies in Durban and surroundings.

Cost: five-week course R600. Contact: 072 623 3266, hello@holisticbaby.co.za or visit holisticbaby.co.za Pre- and postnatal yoga classes Moms and babies, or pregnancy yoga available.

Time: varies. Venues: Giba Guest House, Hillcrest or Wirikuta, Assagay. Cost: R260 per month, first class free. Contact: 083 560 5390, isabel@blissfulbellies.co.za or visit blissfulbellies.co.za Pregnancy yoga Gentle yoga for momsto-be. Time: 9:30am–10:45am every Saturday. Venue: The Yoga Sanctuary, 49 Delaware Ave, Glenashley. Cost: R260 per month. Contact: 076 410 1410 or angela@ rautenbach.co.za

playtime and story time Clamber Club Movement and stimulation classes for babies 8 weeks–12 months and children 1–4 years old. Time: varies.

Venues: Ballito, Hillcrest and Kloof. Cost: varies. Contact Ballito: 076 222 2946,

7 Deadly Sins 21–24 May. Time: varies.

Venue: Playhouse Loft Theatre, Anton Lembede Rd, Durban. Cost: R80. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com Bhakti 29–31 May. Time: varies. Venue: Playhouse Drama Theatre, Anton Lembede Rd, Durban. Cost: R85. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

out and about

You Raise Me Up 8–10 May. Time: varies. Venue: Rhumbelow Theatre, Cunningham Ave, Umbilo. Cost: R120. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

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Pre-code Forecast 1931 This new exhibition includes paintings, photography and film by Durban artist Andreas Chasomeris. Opens 4 May. Time: 6:30pm.

Venue: ArtSpace Durban, 3 Millar Rd, Stamford Hill. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 312 0793 or visit artspace-durban.com

Ballito Autism Centre of Excellence

Pre- and postnatal yoga classes

Hillcrest: 084 577 7630 or Kloof: 083 259 2746 or visit clamberclub.com Little Me Moms and Toddlers playgroups Fun workshops for toddlers 1–3,5 years old and moms. Time: varies.

Venue: Sunningdale. Cost: R90. Contact: 084 821 6668 or eleanors@servatech.co.za Shongololo Shakers Music, puppet and movement classes for children 0–4 years old. Time: varies. Venues: Durban North and Winston Park. Cost: varies.

Contact: 060 350 7323, 083 893 5155, info@shongololoshakers.co.za or visit shongololoshakers.co.za Toptots Children 8 weeks–4 years old learn and play. Time: varies. Venues: branches in Ballito, Durban North, Glenwood, Hillcrest, Westville, PMB Hayfields and Hilton. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 266 4910, 082 876 7791, admin@toptots. co.za or visit toptots.co.za

support groups Mothers 2 Baby For new and older moms finding motherhood challenging.

Babies welcome. Time: 10am–11:30am, third Thursday every month. Venue: Hillcrest Private Hospital, Kassier Rd. Cost: free. Contact: 061 453 3718

how to help Sizanani Centre Feeding Scheme Based in Inanda, this centre aims to feed school children, and HIV or TB patients at a nearby clinic. They need donations of nonperishable foods like rice, mielie meal or long-life milk, or monthly debit orders.

Contact: 082 422 9194 or helpfind4u@ gmail.com Tekkie Tax Wear your tekkies and sticker of choice today, for a good cause. You can choose to support animals, basic family care, children, disability or education. 29 May. Cost: stickers R10, tekkie tags R30, available from any participating welfare organisation or via the website. Contact: 012 663 8181, tekkietax@mweb.co.za or visit tekkietax.co.za

support groups

don’t miss out!

Ballito Autism Centre of Excellence A support and resource centre for children, families, communities and professionals.

Contact: 032 586 0200 or info@ imbalitohopecollege.co.za

For a free listing, email your event to durban@childmag.co.za. Information must be received by 30 April for the June issue, and must include all relevant details. No guarantee can be given that it will be published. To post an event online, visit childmag.co.za

magazine durban

it’s party time

For more help planning your child’s party visit

childmag.co.za/resources/birthday-parties

magazine durban

May 2015

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finishing touch

roughing it ANÉL LEWIS discovers that camping is hardly glamorous, onor, almost three, has started expressing his dislike for things.

He’ll point to something, such as a piece of cauliflower, and say: “What’s this?” And then when told, he’ll promptly respond with, “I don’t like it.” Much to our annoyance, it seems to be his default setting at the moment.

So we weren’t sure if he would be too enamoured with a weekend away, spent sleeping in a tent with not an iPad or Thomas the Train DVD in sight.

Erin was easier to win over. She loves trying new things – as long as it involves chocolate somewhere along the way.

I’ve only camped once with my husband – back in the day when we were still in the early blush of our relationship.

Carefree and spontaneous, we somehow managed to pack all the food and clothing we needed for our camping trip into two panniers attached to our motorbike. Today we could do with a moving van to get all the gear to the campsite. And that’s just for the children’s stuff! Erin packed four blankets, three dolls and insisted on bringing her

Erin, Anél and Conor

gumboots – just in case. Conor refused to get into the car unless he had a couple of train carriages and a few random pieces of railway track in his hands.

With all these “essential” items loaded, we managed to set off for our first family weekend away from the comforts of home.

Conor still sleeps in our bed, so we weren’t sure if he would share a mattress with Erin during the trip.

But after several hours spent exploring the campsite and riding their bikes with new friends, both children were exhausted.

In fact, they were so knackered that they put themselves to sleep on their mattress without so much as a peep.

We were not so lucky with our sleep setup. Our blow-up mattress, bought circa the bike trip of several years ago, had developed a few punctures. Of course, we only discovered this at about 2am when I woke up to find my face mashed against a tent pole as I lay flat on the cold ground.

The following night, we put two mattresses on top of each other in the hope that the second one would provide some

buoyancy when the damaged mattress deflated. But it ended up operating like a waterbed, and at some stage in the early hours of the morning, I found myself rolling around like a rubber dinghy in Hout Bay harbour during a southeaster every time Craig turned over.

Finally, on the third night, tortured by the cacophony of Craig and Conor’s combined snoring, I relocated to the car where I slept like a baby.

Mattress problems aside, the experience was magical for the children.

They swam in the river, played with new friends and spent the evenings riding their bicycles under the stars. And as we packed up the car to head back home, where Thomas was waiting and firm mattresses beckoned, we heard Conor say loudly to Erin: “Camping. I like it.”

Anél Lewis is recovering from her camping experience with some long baths and extra pillows on the bed. She’s also trawling the Classifieds for an extra-strong blow-up mattress – and repair kit – before she will consider setting up tent again.

family marketplace

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May 2015

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: Susie Leblond Photography

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but it can be a truly magical experience for children.