Child magazine | DBN October 2014 by Hunter House Publishing

D U R B A N â&#x20AC;&#x2122; S

b e s t

g u i d e

f o r

p a r e n t s

why playing

marbles

is good for children

the

dealing with

difference

issue

www.childmag.co.za

October 2014

free

conditions & support

raising an

introverted child sticks

stones

also this month: family getaway to india the positive influence of grandparents does pregnancy make you stronger?

health

education

common childhood

when nicknames turn nasty

entertainment

Hunter House P U B L I S H I N G

Publisher Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Editorial

You’ve probably heard about the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Managing Editor Marina Zietsman • marina@childmag.co.za

It’s an activity involving dumping a bucket of ice water on someone’s head to promote awareness of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) and to raise money for research. Incidentally, this is the same disease that former Springbok Joost van der Westhuizen has. Things turned sour when a video was posted online of an autistic teenager in the US doing what he thought was the Ice Bucket Challenge, but instead urine, faeces and spit were dumped on him. It’s a heart-breaking story. Children who are perceived as “different” to others are often victimised and bullied, which is why our annual “dealing with difference” issue is so important. We have a great line-up for you this month that we hope will help to create greater understanding of some of the challenges many families face on a daily basis. Our resource brings you the

Features Editor Marc de Chazal • features@childmag.co.za Resource Editor Tamlyn Vincent • durban@childmag.co.za Editorial Assistant Lucille Kemp • capetown@childmag.co.za Copy Editor Debbie Hathway

Art Designers Nikki-leigh Piper • studio@childmag.co.za Mark Vincer • studio3@childmag.co.za Louise Topping • studio@childmag.co.za

Advertising Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Client Relations Lisa Waterloo • dbnsales@childmag.co.za

Subscriptions and Circulation Nicolene Baldy • subs@childmag.co.za

PUBLISHER’S PHOTOGRAPH: BROOKE FASANI

Accounts Nicolene Baldy • admin@childmag.co.za Tel: 021 465 6093 • Fax: 021 462 2680

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top ten conditions that we receive queries about and support groups that may assist you (pg 24); we explain the difference between shyness and introversion (pg 10); and parents share how they’ve handled their child being teased at school (pg 18). There’s a lot more to inspire, enlighten and entertain… happy reading.

Don’t forget to buy your bandana from Pick n Pay or your local Round Table in support of The Sunflower Fund. National Bandana Day is on 12 October.

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October 2014

contents october 2014

12 upfront

regulars

3 a note from lisa

6 pregnancy news – growing stronger could pregnancy and

5 over to you readers respond

features 12 be a good sport Ruth Rehbock explains how to help children cope with competition

14 have you lost your marbles? there are numerous benefits to playing with marbles, says Nicole Levin

16 colourful india Shareen Singh and her family explore the vibrancy and aromas of this cultural mecca

18 when nicknames turn nasty name-calling is not always funny. Christina Castle gives advice on what to do when it becomes hurtful

20 social drinker, scummy mummy or serious alcoholic? alcohol affects women more dangerously than men. Glynis Horning gives you the facts

22 golden oldies Christina Castle looks at the invaluable role grandparents play in a child’s life

childbirth make women better athletes? Anél Lewis speaks to a few experts

7 best for baby – dark thoughts Anél Lewis considers why some mothers think of harming their babies

10 dealing with difference – raising an introvert there is a difference between a shy child and an introverted child. By Camilla Rankin

23 a good read for the whole family 24 resource – condition(al) support Tamlyn Vincent compiles a list of support groups for 10 common childhood conditions

26 what’s on in october 30 finishing touch no-one appreciates a know-it-all, not even when it comes to well-meant parenting advice, says Cassandra Shaw

health

classified ads

8 get the balance right

29 let’s party

Marc de Chazal finds out if so-called “superfoods” exist

30 family marketplace

this month’s cover images are supplied by:

October 2014

Joburg

Cape Town

Durban

Pretoria

Woolworths woolworths.co.za

True Religion Kids truereligion.com

Claudia De Nobrega Photography claudiadenobrega.com

Ackermans ackermans.co.za

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letters

each child is unique The following letter was sent out in the Camps Bay Primary School (Cape Town) newsletter. The letter, which originally appeared in a British newspaper, was sent home by a head teacher of a school in England, to accompany assessment results: Please find enclosed your end of KS2 test results. We are very proud of you as you demonstrated huge amounts of commitment and tried your very best during this tricky week. However, we are concerned that these tests do not always assess all of what it is that makes each of you special and unique. The people who create these tests and score them do not know each of you the way your teachers do. They do not know that many of you speak two languages. They do not know that you can play a musical instrument or that you can dance or paint a picture. They do not know that your friends count on you to be there for them or that your laughter can brighten the dreariest day. They do not know that you write poetry or songs, play or participate in sports, wonder about the future, or that sometimes you take care of your little brother or sister after school. They do not know that you have travelled to a really neat place or that you know how to tell a great story or that you really love spending time with special family members and friends. They do not know that you can be trustworthy, kind or thoughtful, and that you try,

every day, to be your very best. The scores you get will tell you something, but they will not tell you everything. So, enjoy your results and be very proud of these, but remember there are many ways of being smart.

learning maths through games I was called in by my daughter’s Grade 3 teacher and was told that she has a serious maths problem. I overreacted like any mother would. That first evening we did maths until 7:45pm, had instant noodles for dinner and then she had to go to bed. The next couple of weeks we worked together, and with a lot of time, effort and tears, we were getting her up to standard. I bought a lot of books to aid us and although it worked, it was not the answer. She saw it as homework and punishment. One day she received her maths homework and had to do it on the iPad. She loved it and thought it was fun and did it without complaining. I started browsing and found a couple of maths games to play on the iPad. That changed everything. We started playing these games together and she was having fun without realising that we were actually doing maths. She is now up to standard and is getting really good marks. We still work on her maths every day, but now it is fun because we are using the iPad. I can recommend this to all parents as a maths tool. Lana

over to you “living with loss” Thank you so much for your article on stillbirth. It is not spoken about enough and to read the article made me happy and sad. Happy, because more expectant moms should hear about what can happen and be educated that falling pregnant is just the beginning. Getting to full term and then going home empty-handed is a reality for many moms. I’m sad because I cried again for the baby girl who never managed to survive my labour; who was so wanted but who left us far too soon. Every tear took me back five and a half years ago when the monitor went silent and Anabelle’s little heart stopped beating. I am sad for every parent who has had to endure the physical and emotional pain of stillbirth, and I’m heartbroken for every parent that might go through this. I want to tell parents to look beyond their mourning and face new parents with tiny babies. Try not to feel jealous or angry. It makes me sad when I recall the decisions that have to be made before the birth, knowing your baby has died in your womb. What type of labour do you choose? Should you get an autopsy? Do you spend time with the baby? Should you take photos, and hand and footprints? Should you dress your baby? Do you have a blessing

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your voice on childmag.co.za “immunisation schedule” My two year old is up-to-date with his vaccines, but I’m concerned because he plays with a child who has never been to the clinic. What are this child’s risks and is my son safe playing with him? Tshilidzi

Childmag says We asked Dr Rose Burnett, senior lecturer at the department of virology, University of Limpopo for her expert opinion: “You are right to be concerned. Your child’s friend may be protected by herd immunity if all his friends and contacts are fully vaccinated like your son, but if not, then he is at high risk of contracting a vaccinepreventable disease. And contrary to popular belief, some of these diseases can cause severe illness and even be fatal. Also, although your toddler is up-to-date with his vaccines, no vaccine is 100% effective, so there is still a small risk that he can get infected if his friend is infected. Also bear in mind that if your toddler does get infected, the rest of your family is at risk, especially if you have a small infant who is too young to be vaccinated.” “head space” In London, my child was diagnosed with plagiocephaly (flat head syndrome). A specialist fitted a helmet, which she wore for 11 hours a day for seven months. She also had physiotherapy. There was a big improvement. Anonymous

Let us know what’s on your mind. Send your letters or comments to marina@childmag.co.za or PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010.

service? Or do you deliver your baby and regret for the rest of your life that you refused to see your baby, to name her and hold her? I have heard some parents are advised to go with the latter, and I can honestly say they all have regrets. I feel at peace now with how we handled those excruciating hours and I know I would never have been able to deal with it without my husband and mother, who still allow me to cry if I need to. I am also happy that I have two gorgeous children; Anabelle’s sister, 20 months, and her brother, four years old. I am happy that my children know about their eldest sister, who looks down on us, who according to her brother enjoys tea with Nelson Mandela. We will always be a family of five. Lara “help, I’m jealous of my stepchildren” I wish my husband was more supportive and understanding. Only when his daughter is not around, does he have the “headspace” to listen to me. We had an upcoming trip to the romantic city of Paris and his daughter was coming along. I wasn’t looking forward to being the third wheel and he promised not to abandon me when his daughter was with us. But they would stroll off

arm in arm while I was still at the table finishing lunch. He left me behind every single day, and we fought every day. He broke his promise and when I got upset, he said I was selfish and immature. Am I really the wicked stepmother? Or is the insensitive, promise-breaking dad at fault here too? Anonymous “prepare for takeoff” On a recent long haul flight, we discovered there are two options for under two year olds: a seat with a five-point harness, which our toddler could not get comfortable in, and a glorified box, which was too small for her, but easier to cover with a blanket to reduce disturbance. We could not find any changing facilities, and the flight attendants all disappeared to sleep at night, so my advice is to ask for anything you may need in advance. Anonymous subscribe to our newsletter and win Our wins have moved online. Please subscribe to our newsletter and enter our weekly competitions. To subscribe, visit childmag.co.za

We reserve the right to edit and shorten submitted letters. The opinions reflected here are those of our readers and are not necessarily held by Hunter House Publishing.

Post a comment online at childmag.co.za

October 2014

pregnancy news

growing stronger ANÉL LEWIS digs deeper into the theory that pregnancy and childbirth could be making women better athletes.

hormones and heartbeats Ferguson explains that the level of relaxin hormone, which releases your ligaments and tendons, reduces considerably in the first few months after childbirth. This makes your musculoskeletal system feel more solid and reduces the risk of injury. “With the pelvis fused back together again, you will be able to have a strong core, and your limbs will move more effectively,” she adds. Your resting heart rate also increases by 10 to 15 beats during pregnancy, so you may frequently feel out of breath. As your heart rate returns to normal after childbirth, you’ll find it easier to move around quickly again, says Ferguson.

body basics The almost 60% increase in blood supply during pregnancy means there is extra blood to carry oxygen to depleted muscles, says Ferguson. “There would also be a strengthened musculoskeletal system due to the progressive and increased body weight during pregnancy.”

October 2014

fit and pregnant So if childbirth has some benefits for athletic performance, what about getting onto the treadmill during pregnancy? The South African Sports Medicine Association’s official position statement on exercise during pregnancy states: “In

the absence of either medical or obstetric complications, all pregnant women should be encouraged to participate in aerobic and strength-conditioning training at moderate intensity on most or all days of the week.” These include walking, jogging and running, hiking, lowimpact aerobics, swimming, cycling, rowing and dancing. Exercise should have minimal risk to the baby and mother, and be comfortable to do. The type, intensity and duration of exercise should also be considered to ensure the benefits outweigh the risks. Warning signs during exercise include any vaginal bleeding, amniotic fluid leakage, dizziness, headaches, chest pain, muscle weakness, calf pain or swelling and decreased foetal movements. If these occur, seek immediate medical attention.

exercise no-nos According to the South African Sports Medicine Association, these exercises should be avoided: • scuba diving • exercise at altitude of more than 6 000 feet • contact or falling sports such as gymnastics • motionless standing, or exercise that requires you to lie on your back for long periods after your first trimester.

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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

ally Ferguson, a Cape Town-based biokineticist and mother of three, was a runner before she fell pregnant, and she continued to run during all of her pregnancies up to about 34 weeks. “I have to say, the hardest time was running in the first few weeks with morning sickness and then towards the end weighing 9kg more than before. So to run after each baby was born felt amazing.” Ferguson says that while there is no real research proving that women are better runners or athletes after having a baby, there are some physiological and mental changes that could give new mothers a competitive edge.

Although these changes do diminish after a woman gives birth, Sally says that if an expectant mother continues to train during and after pregnancy it could have an accumulative, long-term effect on improving her overall strength and fitness. This may have been the case for British athlete Paula Radcliffe, who won the 2007 New York City Marathon just nine months after giving birth.

best for baby

dark thoughts Mothers plagued by disturbing mental images of wanting to harm their babies

are most likely suffering from postpartum anxiety, writes ANÉL LEWIS.

nne Ronald* recalls how one afternoon, after hours of trying to soothe a colicky baby, she considered putting her daughter into the oven. Shocked by her own thoughts, she went to sit on the pavement outside her house while her baby continued to scream. When Anne had calmed down, and the horrific feeling had subsided, she immediately called her family doctor who said: “The fact that you didn’t harm your baby, and that you phoned me instead, proves that you never intended to hurt her.” The incident left Anne feeling guilty for years. These so-called “intrusive thoughts” are often referred to as the “hush-hush” syndrome because most sufferers are too ashamed to admit to having them.

involuntary thoughts or ideas or images, which are distressing and disturbing”. Sufferers may feel as if they want to stab, drown, throw or suffocate their baby. Others think about being in a car accident with their baby, or about their child being injured in a hijacking or other incident. “It is very important to note that many women have these thoughts, but they are just thoughts. Very, very few women act out on them,” reassures Lewis. They’re caused by anxiety, stress, a sense of being overwhelmed or an inability to cope. Sleeplessness is also a major factor. Lewis adds that as with all forms of postnatal depression, there is also a strong biochemical or hormonal component.

signs you may need help hold that thought Linda Lewis, a Cape Town-based psychologist and author of When Your Blessings Don’t Count (Metz Press), describes intrusive thoughts as “unwelcome,

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“You are not going mad and you are not bad, but you do need to reach out for support as soon as you start becoming concerned about the thoughts, and they occur more frequently,” says Lewis.

They’re usually diagnosed as postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and are especially common with women who may have experienced OCD before they gave birth. However, anxiety and stress after childbirth could also trigger unwanted feelings. Lewis adds that these differ from the outbursts one expects from new mothers who are sleep-deprived and adjusting to their new roles, as they are usually “disturbing or scary”. According to the Post Natal Depression Support Association of SA (PNDSA), feelings of anxiety, irritability and tearfulness that usually clear up within two weeks of the birth are considered “baby blues”. Postpartum psychosis, at the other end of the spectrum, is when a mother becomes severely delusional and a danger to herself and her baby. This affects one or two mothers per 1 000. The postpartum anxiety that could trigger intrusive thoughts lies somewhere in the middle of these two conditions.

“The problem is that although intrusive thoughts are common, most women feel too ashamed to admit them and therefore don’t seek help, which can exacerbate their postnatal distress and anxiety,” says Lewis. Treatment options include individual supportive therapy with someone specialising in postnatal depression, cognitive behavioural therapy, group therapy or medication.

getting help SMS “help” and your name to the PNDSA hotline on 082 882 0072 or fill in the online test at pndsa.org.za to be referred to a support group or psychologist. *Name has been changed

15–30% of all mothers will have postnatal anxiety (PNDSA)

October 2014

health

get the balance right Some foods have greater nutrient value than others and should be included in our diets,

but is there such a thing as a “superfood”? MARC DE CHAZAL looks for answers.

he word “superfoods” gets bandied about a lot, especially with reference to foods that supposedly have amazing health benefits and disease-fighting properties due to their high content of antioxidants, vitamins and other nutrients. But according to Sandton-based dietician Leigh-Ann Silber, the term is not clearly defined. “I often feel that the word is a marketing gimmick to make a claim on a food that simply has some natural healthboosting potential,” she says. The term is also misused. Some seaweeds promoted as superfoods contain natural toxins that may actually increase the risk of cancer. Deborah Hoepfl, a dietician based in Cape Town, concurs and is of the opinion that no one food should be considered “super”. “It’s the balance of foods consumed that will contribute towards a healthy food intake,” she explains. Both of these dieticians are wary of pinning the term “superfood” to a list of foods whose nutritional value has been known for a long time, but they do admit that there are some foods that have exceptional nutrient qualities.

“Many whole foods are nutrient dense and packed with phytonutrients – compounds that have been shown to have a positive effect on the body. These ‘superfoods’ have minimal processing, are grown from the ground and many of them are rich in colour,” points out Silber.

vegetables, and nuts and seeds are easy to come by and should be on our regular shopping lists. The only thing to avoid feeding children is any food they are allergic to, such as nuts and strawberries, or food that can cause choking in very young children, such as grapes. There is no real danger that children will consume too many foods that are rich in antioxidants, as they have a limited stomach capacity and these foods are usually high in fibre, so they’re rather filling.” Silber does agree that too much of anything can be bad, so as a rule of thumb children should be eating half to a quarter of an adult portion.

October 2014

According to the South African food-based dietary guidelines, we should all be enjoying a variety of foods in our daily diet, including plenty of vegetables and fruits, dry beans, peas, lentils and soya, and lots of clean tap water to stay hydrated. “We don’t need to go out of our way or deeper into our pockets to buy ‘superfoods’ from exotic locations,” says Silber. “Foods such as eggs, organic fruit, different coloured

super eaters Deborah Hoepfl encourages us to include the following foods with a good mix of nutrients in our diets on a regular basis: Pilchards and sardines contain high amounts of omega 3 fatty acids, which promote healthy brain development, growth and concentration in children. Other oily fish include mackerel, salmon, fresh tuna and trout. You can

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PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

No one food should be considered “super”. It’s the balance of foods consumed that will contribute towards a healthy food intake.

make fish fingers, fish cakes or a pâté served on toast or crackers to get children eating fish from a young age. Beans and lentils are a great source of insoluble and soluble fibre, which are both necessary to keep us regular and stabilise our blood sugars. They are an inexpensive protein and a good source of iron, according to Hoepfl, who suggests adding them to mince, soups and stews. Liver is an excellent source of iron, which is essential for oxygen to get around our blood stream and for brain development. Iron deficiency is common in children and can cause behavioural changes, delayed psychomotor function and can affect cognitive function. To make liver more palatable for children, try it as a pâté or add it to mince and stew dishes. Vitamin C-rich foods such as tomatoes help with the absorption of iron from food, so it’s a good idea to include them in the meal. Eggs are a quick, easy meal packed with protein, iron and vitamins A and D. Serve them boiled with soldiers or as an omelette. Yellow vegetables such as carrots, butternut, squash, peppers and sweet potatoes are especially good for us because they are a good source of vitamin A, which is essential for healthy eyes and a strong immune system. Hoepfl points out that many South African children are deficient in vitamin A. Add these veggies to soups or serve as a snack with a dip. Milk and dairy foods contain the calcium children need for strong bones and teeth. Incorporate foods such as milk, yoghurt or cheese into your child’s daily diet. You

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can make milkshakes or mix milk with fruit and yoghurt in a smoothie to ensure regular consumption. Milk can also be used in desserts. Whole grains contain cereal germ, endosperm and bran, and because they are intact, they also contain more nutrients and fibre. Whole grains include whole-wheat flour, whole-wheat bread and pasta, oats, mielies, barley, brown rice and popcorn. Oats are an excellent source of fibre and have a low glycaemic index. Serve it with breakfast or mix it with your child’s regular cereal. Children should have two to three servings of whole grains per day, which can help prevent cancer, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and obesity. Fruit should be eaten daily, especially those that are rich in vitamin C, which is essential for healthy gums and a strong immune system. Vitamin C also helps with the absorption of iron. Children should be encouraged to eat a wide variety of these fruits, including oranges, naartjies, kiwi, guavas, strawberries, mango, papaya and blueberries. You can do fun things with fruit. Blend them in smoothies, make fruit kebabs, mix up a fruit salad or juice them, which can also work nicely for ice lollies. Water is the best and healthiest way for children to stay hydrated and is preferable to sweetened juices. Tap water is perfectly good to drink, but if you’re concerned about the quality of your water supply, fit a filter to your taps. You can make water a bit more appealing for children by adding fresh mint, a slice of lemon or a splash of fresh fruit juice for flavour.

October 2014

dealing with diffference

raising an introvert Recognising, respecting and raising an introvert in a world that prizes boldness and an outgoing flair is tough – especially when that introvert is your own child. CAMILLA RANKIN explains, quietly.

inside the introvert Introversion has become wholly misunderstood and has been cast as extroversion’s “bad brother”. These personality traits are not value judgements of how good you are at socialising or how much you like or dislike people, they are simply ways of describing what level of social interaction energises or drains you. Extroverts are revitalised and get their “oomph” in large groups of people, while introverts are energised by being on their own or after spending time with one or two people. Describing her son Nicolas’ (5) introverted nature, Maxine (an introvert herself), says, “Nicolas loves the company of others, but it can leave him drained. After a bit of time on his own, he is recharged and bouncy again.”

One of the biggest misconceptions is that shyness and introversion are one and the same – they are not. Neither of these personality traits are mutually exclusive and most people operate on an introvert-extrovert spectrum. They are also situation-specific. As adults we have learnt when to put on an extroverted “face” for public speaking or dinner parties, or give ourselves some “downtime” listening to music, regardless of our natural tendencies. Similarly, all children display both types of traits but do innately prefer one over the other. According to researcher and author Susan Cain, “introvert” describes a third to half of the population.

introverted or shy? One of the biggest misconceptions is that shyness and introversion are one and the same – they are not. In her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Cain explains, “Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.” Your introvert may well be shy too, but there are many introverts who easily engage with new situations or people, but simply prefer to do it one-on-one. “My five-year-old son, Ivan, loves people and social events, but gets incredibly anxious and will cling to my skirt at first. It takes him a while to ‘suss’ things out, but once he does he is the life and soul of the party,” says Ingrid, mother to Ivan and Alex (3). “Alex, in contrast, is all gung-ho when he arrives, taking part in everything, but then will hit a point – usually just as Ivan has warmed up – where it all becomes too much and he just wants to go home. Ivan is shy, and Alex is a classic introvert.”

the quiet school child Our prevailing education system teaches children – especially in primary school – based on a group model, with desks pushed to face each other, a lot of teamwork, show-and tell-style public speaking and a lot of socialising. This model is not bad in itself, it is just not ideal for the introvert, and can sometimes interfere with learning. Neil, my husband, was shocked when our five-year-old son Finn’s teacher told us that she thought he was depressed. “She told me that almost every day, just after break

October 2014

time, he would beg to go to the book corner, his usually animated face would be drawn and he would simply lie down on the floor and not take part,” says Neil. “It turns out that the guy was just completely drained from a morning of interacting, sharing, talking, playing and trying to manage his social world. After taking the time to talk through Finn’s introverted nature, his teacher now lets him take time out in the book corner alone while the other children are outside playing, to simply gather his energy for the afternoon.” Primary school teacher Nina de Beer agrees. “Many teachers – like parents – do not understand introversion and because the current school system is designed to value extroversion, children who do not fit that model find the school day much more trying. For me, I love to have a good mix of both extroverted and introverted children; they encourage each other to approach tasks differently. They also often make good project partners. Introverts are often the learners who bring really interesting questions and thoughts into the classroom,” she says.

the world needs introverts “There is a word for people who spend too much time in their heads: thinkers,” says Cain. Introverts are the thinkers. Some of the most successful partnerships and businesses are created through a synergy of the two. Steve Wosniak – a classic introvert – teamed up with the outgoing Steve Jobs to create Apple. People on the introverted end of the spectrum tend to listen more than talk, are attentive listeners, say what they mean and usually only add to a conversation when they feel they have something meaningful to offer, preferring deep discussions to small talk. They prefer doing this in a comfortable setting and on a topic they feel passionate about.

raising your introvert The key to raising – and living with – an introvert, is to respect their style of interaction and to allow time to reboot during the day. This may be as simple as not bombarding her with “How was your day?” questions on the way home from school. Instead, let her stare out of the window in silence. As your child grows out of daytime naps, make this time a “quiet time” where your child can play, be alone in her room or sit and read a book. Avoid over scheduling with extramurals or playdates, and keep playdates and birthday parties to one or two close friends. “It is also essential to get to know yourself,” says counselling psychologist Sarah van Olst, “so that you do not place your own discomfort onto your child, and learn to accept that your child may be different to you – and that is okay.”

introversion checklist Your child may have some introverted tendencies if he or she: • has only a few close friends. • likes to listen rather than talk, but can talk non-stop on a favourite topic. • is happy to chat away to family or close friends but not to strangers. • likes solitary activities, such as reading, puzzles or activities with only a few people. • likes to spend alone time in their own room or with just one other person. • usually watches a game or activity before joining in. • likes creative or imaginative play. • often gets grumpy or throws tantrums after spending a long time with lots of people. • does not share feelings easily. • feels humiliated after making a mistake or being reprimanded in public.

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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

any parents balk at the suggestion that their child may be an introvert. Why? South Africans, like most market-driven societies, believe that to be successful you need to speak up, stand out, be heard. Being gregarious is equated with being self-confident and happy. As parents, we measure our success on how likable or popular our children are – humans are social creatures, after all. So, when your child prefers to spend time alone or when his teacher tells you that he does not take part in “circle” time, even when he sits attentively and is coping well with the work set, we worry. A lot.

feature

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October 2014

parenting

be a good

sport

We live in a highly competitive world, making it all the more important to help our children cope with competition, writes RUTH REHBOCK.

y older brother was the worst sport ever. Whenever we played a game, he would cheat to win. My younger brother, however, would knock the board game into the air and scatter all the pieces whenever he was losing or had lost a game. It seems children all handle competition differently; some thrive on it while others get very anxious at having to be rated on their performance. There’s no way to avoid competitive situations. Stiff competition is everywhere, whether it’s getting into a good school or university or landing a dream job. So it’s imperative to help children deal with competition in our dynamic and complex world, to give them the skills with which they can successfully take their place in it. Although some experts are vehemently opposed to competition among children, many insist that competition handled correctly can teach children valuable life skills. “It’s important to be able to handle competitive situations, whether you win or lose,” says educational psychologist and counsellor at a private school in Cape Town, Gill Molteno. “Our job as parents and educators is to teach children to cope with competition by emphasising that we all have strengths and weaknesses. Getting children to rate their performance and set their own goals is more enriching than ‘winning’. Putting too much pressure on children to succeed can cause high levels of anxiety and burnout.” Lyse Comins’ daughter, Rebekah (9), is a champion swimmer who won a cup for being the best under 10 swimmer in 2013. “Her competitive spirit seems to wax and wane, but I always tell her that what really matters is that she does her best. At her swimming club they encourage the children to set goals for themselves and to try as hard as they can. The coach has often advised parents that they must be careful that the children do not burn out, nor should we force them to participate against their will.”

Children enjoy themselves more when they take part in an activity that combines competition and cooperation among the players.

The main reason we have to help children cope with competition is that we can’t avoid it. The struggle to “win” is an integral part of life, whether it’s for attention at home or to win a swimming gala or a debate. “Researchers also say that competition is necessary, and under certain conditions can improve an individual or team performance, and their feelings of wellbeing. However, positive outcomes are more likely when the focus is on individual mastery rather than on winning,” says Melanie Hartgill, a Joburg-based educational psychologist. Parents, psychologists and educators agree that some competitiveness is positive, as it can encourage children to excel and achieve their best, but there is a sense in which it can also be unhealthy, such as when children want to attend every extramural activity on offer simply because their friends are doing them. This can cause friction when parents have to say no. In order to help children cope with competitive situations, parents and educators must recognise when a child is struggling with competing. “The child who is anxious about

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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

healthy competition

how everyone else is performing and who shows signs of stress such as tearfulness, nail-biting, not sleeping or complaining of stomach aches or headaches, finds competing difficult. Often this struggle means that a child doesn’t tolerate frustration well, like many children who have ADHD/ADD,” says Molteno. Some children are just innately competitive. “My son, Malakai (9), is very competitive,” says Cherylin Donnelly-Gomes. “When he was just two years old, the swimming teacher made them race on floating devices and he just had to win every time – if he didn’t, he would want to get out of the pool. This year we have really been trying to teach him ‘good sportsmanship’ as he gets very emotional and angry when he is bowled out in cricket, for instance. At school, he races to finish first, which means his work is untidy.” Cherylin says they let Malakai calm down after a disappointment and when they get home, they talk about not winning. “I tell him that being a good sport is as important as winning, and I’ve given him the example of John McEnroe – all I remember about him were his tantrums, not whether he won Wimbledon or not,” she says.

win some, lose some Experts agree that children shouldn’t feel insecure or threatened by an occasional setback, nor should they receive too much sympathy. “Wait until the emotional tension or stress has decreased after a loss, otherwise you will most likely be faced with a defensive or overly emotional child,” says Hartgill. “What’s important is to help them understand that we can’t always win and a loss does not make them a failure. The goal is to do their best, because it’s their effort that is important.” Penny Humphries says she emphasises the pleasurable aspect of competing for her son Dylan (9). “Before a competition I always tell him he must have fun and try his best. Dylan is quietly competitive. If he doesn’t come first he is disappointed but doesn’t get emotional. To take the edge off on competition days, we treat the day as if it’s just practise day; on practise days I remind him to constantly think of practise as if it were a competition.” What we should aim for, say experts, is to involve children as much as possible in activities that encourage healthy competition. John Tauer, a US basketball coach, has found that children enjoy themselves more when they take part in an activity that combines competition and cooperation among the players. Molteno agrees. “I feel that families can promote and encourage cooperation rather than competing on an individual level,” she says. “Playing games in teams or groups at home alleviates the pressure to win, and children get to flex their competitive muscles in a safe environment.” She suggests games such as throwing a ball to one another and keeping the score as a team, rather than rating individual performance.

teach children good sportsmanship 1 Plan team games or activities in which you work to beat the clock. 2 Play games of chance such as snap or bingo and games of strategy such as chess and backgammon. 3 Teach children what’s right and wrong and how to lose, and win, graciously. 4 Coach them and encourage them to do better, but don’t push them too hard. 5 Be a good role model. Adapted from Children and Competition by the North Carolina Cooperation Extension Service.

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October 2014

education

have you lost your marbles? There are some really good reasons to encourage children to play marbles.

ask my daughter, Daniella, as I turn a turquoise and white swirled marble in my hand: “What’s this one called?” “That’s a sea turtle.” “And that one?” “That’s a bumblebee.” Then she rattles off the names of the other marbles in her hand – galaxy, snowflake, blue sky, milky, egg, dragon. I am as intrigued by the poetic quality of the names as I am by the individual beauty of each marble. With their white swirls, aqua blue glass and speckled surfaces, each marble is like a miniature work of art. I’m not only intrigued by my daughter’s fascination with the marbles themselves, but also with playing the game. At seven years old, no other toy or game has captivated her as profoundly as marbles. She plays marbles at school and she plays at home with her younger brother. She counts, sorts, admires, collects and trades them.

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I’ve also noticed how her social skills have improved since she started playing marbles. Daniella was a onefriend-child and was often reticent about playing with other children at school. The game has opened up her social world – she now plays with a wide range of

game, its history and the skills it develops in children. No-one really knows where marbles originated as they have been found all over the world, from the ruins of Pompeii to the tombs of ancient Egypt. Marbles were played by Native Americans and the

At seven years old, no other toy or game has captivated her as profoundly as marbles. children. Her social confidence has grown and her understanding and negotiating of social rules and conventions have improved enormously.

social rules Noticing these positive changes in my child, I began asking questions about the

Romans. Early marbles were made from polished stones, clay or glass, but the mass production of clay marbles began in the US in the 1880s, with glass marbles following in the early 1900s. With millions of marbles being churned out a day, prices went down, and marble playing became a childhood institution.

Today marbles come in many different colours and designs. Standard marbles are 15 millimetres in diameter; the larger ones are about 20 millimetres, and even bigger ones are almost the size of a billiard ball. According to early 20th-century developmental psychologist Jean Piaget, the game of marbles helps children develop a moral understanding of social conventions. Toddlers can grasp the rules of a simple game of marbles, and as children get older the rules become more sophisticated. Children themselves decide the rules of the game, such as whether or not they are playing for “keeps”. They also learn to play fairly, the importance of maintaining social relationships over winning, and to accept that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. The theory of Machiavellian intelligence proposes that social interaction is central to the evolution of human intelligence. Learning to work together, engaging in rule-governed

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PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

NICOLE LEVIN shares how her child has blossomed as a result.

behaviour, forming bonds and alliances, and maintaining social relationships all develop gamesmanship and Machiavellian intelligence. However, psychologists David Lancy and Annette Grove state that it is crucial that children play games and engage in activities where they can make and break their own rules, not those imposed by adults. One of the challenges of 21st-century life is that many children are over-scheduled with adult facilitated extramurals, and also spend a great deal of time playing iPad and computer games. Without the opportunity for free play and traditional childhood games, where children are in control of the rule-making and -breaking, there is less opportunity for them to learn these Machiavellian social life skills.

the value of marbles Marbles also develop a range of practical skills. Gross motor skills are used as the player moves around to find the

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Marbles are available at toyshops for around R15–R50 a bag.

right position to hit the marble. Fine motor skills, eye tracking and hand-eye coordination help to line up the marbles, aim and roll. Mathematical skills include the appreciation of pattern and design, conservation of number (the ability to see that the number of objects doesn’t change if the objects are placed in a differently sized container), counting and sorting. Geometry skills are honed as the player calculates the angle to position him or herself to hit the marble. Negotiation skills, assigning value to different marbles, trading, strategising and considered risktaking are valuable life lessons that can be learnt from the game.

Are their negative aspects of playing marbles? They are a choking hazard for babies and toddlers, and should be kept away from them. Marbles can also be highly dangerous if thrown or catapulted, and some of the larger marbles can shatter if thrown against hard surfaces. The game can also bring out the darker side of human nature, with reports of marble theft, jealousy and underhanded rule-breaking. However, for Herzlia Highlands Primary School in Cape Town, the game has had an overwhelmingly positive impact on playground life. The game was introduced when the Grade 3s were learning about games and pastimes, and some children

brought marbles to school. Their class started playing, and then the game literally went viral. Soon children from Grade 1 to Grade 6 were playing. “What is most extraordinary is the way the game has crossed and broken down boundaries,” says Jenny Farrow, head of foundation phase at the school. “We see boys and girls playing together, Grade 6s with Grade 1s, and highly intelligent children playing with learning disabled children. We’ve seen socially isolated children become integrated and those who preferred to stay indoors come out into the sunshine. We’ve seen classes become more unified, and the self-esteem of children rise because everyone can play, and everyone has a place.” Playing marbles has many psychological, social, physical and intellectual benefits that it’s really worth a trip to the toyshop to buy your child a bag. Then leave them to make their own rules and get rolling.

October 2014

getaway

colourful india SHAREEN SINGH journeys with her husband and nine-year-old

s the cabin doors opened, my young daughter blurted out at the top of her voice, “Foef! Smells like rotten eggs!” while squeezing her nose and looking suspiciously at us and other passengers. “That’s the stench of Mumbai. The pollution that we spoke about,” I reminded her. We walked out of the airport into smog, humidity and the smell of burning fuels. Our throats scratched; eyes watered. Thankfully our driver, Ajay, was on time and we scurried into the car. Mumbai, once known as Bombay, is India’s biggest city with a population of more than 13 million – four times that of Joburg. Arriving way past midnight and choking on fumes was no fun at all, but it was a small price to pay for the privilege of visiting one of the most interesting places in the world.

magical mumbai Once ruled by moguls and maharajahs, colonized by the British and parts of the country becoming Pakistan after independence, India is fascinating – culturally and historically. The food is so delicious it puts South African Indian food to shame. What’s more, people are really warm and friendly and service at the hotels we stayed at was superb. For three weeks, Mira (9), my husband Michael and I travelled to Mumbai, Rajasthan and Goa and had the time of our lives. At 3am, Mumbai was still alive with bikers and youngsters hanging out along the coastal promenade. We arrived at the Trident Hotel overlooking the Arabian Sea to be welcomed by porters dressed in white and wearing turbans. After a few hours of sleep and a hearty Indian breakfast, we began exploring Mumbai by foot. It was 29°C – winter weather – as we walked for 2km taking in the sounds and smells of Mumbai until we reached the iconic monument, the Gateway of India – a massive square with a huge arch. Diagonally across the road is the majestic

October 2014

Taj Palace Hotel where we had lunch. Built in 1903, the Taj is sumptuous in every way, from its interior design and East-West architecture, to its delectable feasts at high tea and lunch. We then walked the Colaba Causeway, the main shopping street. It was packed with locals and tourists. Mira, who usually hates being in crowded spaces, did not whine. She was in awe of this mass of humanity and fascinated to see so many brown people like her and her mother. We stumbled upon an optometrist and Mira and Michael had their eyes tested; their prescription glasses were ready the next day. It cost a fraction of the price it would have back home.

Mumbai, once known as Bombay, is India’s biggest city with a population of more than 13 million – four times that of Joburg. Our next stop was Leopold Café. It’s the kind of place where intellectuals and writers hang out among tourists. Mira had a cold falooda – made with ice cream, rose syrup, milk and floating basil seeds, which she downed with a smile while we enjoyed icy beers. Along the way to the hotel we came across a quaint bookshop where we splurged out on Indian history, comics about Indian gods such as Shiva and Krishna, and local fiction. These kept Mira going during the long car journeys we took over the next few days. Like many things in India, books are a steal compared to South Africa, and they’re printed locally. Having read a short story on Mahatma Gandhi that evening, Mira was keen to visit Mani Bhavan, the house Gandhi lived in. It was wonderful seeing our nine

year old’s fascination with Gandhi’s life of activism and sacrifice, which resembles Mandela’s. Sensibly, the museum has a section with doll-like figurines to make Gandhi’s story accessible to children, which she really enjoyed. On our last day in Mumbai we dined at Samrat, a local Thali restaurant. Mouthwatering vegetarian curries and dhals were served in small bowls on a plate. The waiters kept on replenishing the bowls and piling on more rotis and naan bread. It was hard to hold back.

regal rajasthan The next leg of our journey was in the state of Rajasthan, the traditional part of India. After an hour-long flight we arrived in Udaipur, which is often referred to as the Venice of India. It is indeed breathtaking and totally unlike the cosmopolitan Mumbai. Perched on a hill overlooking the massive Lake Pichola was our hotel, Fateh Prakash Palace, which perfectly fitted our aesthetic. With its beautiful heritage furniture and design, although refurbished, the hotel maintains a sense of history. The staff greeted us with big smiles and cocktails. They placed garlands of fresh marigolds around our necks and a red dot on our foreheads. We sat at the terrace restaurant watching the glorious sunset across the lake before strolling up the hill to the city palace arena. The palace, once occupied by the maharajahs, is now a museum and houses some of the most incredible artworks and relics. It’s owned by the Mewar family dynasty. They are Singhs like me, which made Mira feel as if she belonged to royalty. The maharajahs learnt about decadence from the British and it seems that they took it to a whole new level. After independence their powers were whittled away, but some royals such as the Mewars are still very wealthy – through trusts and businesses, and renting their palaces to hotel groups. Every evening the royal guard parades in the city palace and Hindu prayers, called bhajans, are aired live

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PHOTOGRAPHS: SHAREEN SINGH AND MICHAEL MARKOVITZ

daughter to this fascinating country for a three-week holiday.

Opposite page: The lakeside palaces in the city of Udaipur. Above left: A Thali platter at the Samrat restaurant in Mumbai. Above right: Amber Fort, Jaipur

across the arena. We spent some time in a bustling market with narrow streets ducking tuk-tuks and cows. A big treat was watching traditional Rajasthani dancing in Bagore Ki Haveli, an 18th-century building. Women in brightly coloured costumes danced and swirled effortlessly with stacked pots on their heads to rhythmic desert tunes. One morning we noticed some commotion and a crowd gathering at the city palace. It was the Prince of Udaipur taking a stroll. Mira begged me to get a picture of them together. I reluctantly asked the prince and he was obliging. However, after seeing the photo Mira was not impressed. Having seen thousands of pictures of the maharajahs in royal regalia, she was disappointed because he looked “like any old guy” wearing white jeans and white-framed sunglasses. On the way to Jodhpur the next day we stopped off in Ranakpur to visit a Jain Temple, not expecting much, but it was a pleasant surprise. Built in the 15th century entirely of marble, the temple is an architectural masterpiece of symmetry and intricate stone carvings. It was well worth a visit and fascinating enough to keep a nine year old

interested as she walked around by herself using an electronic guide. After a six-hour drive we arrived in Jodhpur as the colossal Mehrangarh Fort lit up and the evening call to prayer sounded out from the mosque alongside our gorgeous hotel, Raas Haveli. Tucked away like a peaceful oasis in the midst of a noisy city, the Raas, which is built entirely from local stone and designed with impeccable flair, is an impressive piece of architecture and design. Everything about this hotel, from food to service, was outstanding. Mehrangarh Fort, housing relics from the past, antiques and fine artworks, was also a treat. Jodhpur is a haven for authentic Rajasthani craft, heritage furniture, fabrics and the most gorgeous antique saris. One could easily get lost here just browsing in the busy, narrow streets. It’s best to dress more conservatively here. Our last destination in Rajasthan was Jaipur, a massive commercial city that is quite traditional. We stayed at the peaceful Jai Mahal Palace, a heritage hotel set on several acres of sprawling gardens with great facilities for

children. The staff, like everywhere in India, treated us like royalty. They went beyond the call of duty to make our stay memorable. Every day the housekeeping staff had little surprises for Mira – a towel twisted to make a swan, elephant or monkey. On my birthday, I was delighted to find – courtesy of the management – a bunch of red roses, a card and a small chocolate birthday cake in our room. In Jaipur we visited Amber Fort where the maharajahs lived with several wives. Their opulent lifestyles are on display, from mirrored walls and ceilings to fabulous art collections and furniture. Instead of walking uphill to the fort we opted for an enjoyable elephant ride. Before leaving, we headed to Anokhi Museum of Hand Printing, which showcases the history of India’s block printing industry. Here Mira got a chance to try her hand at block printing and she made a scarf. After a few weeks of bustling cities and palaces, we flew to Goa, a former Portuguese colony, to relax on the beach. Instead of crowded resorts we chose to stay in an upmarket hut on a quiet beach in Agonda. We spent our days swimming, watching sunsets and feasting. On the plane back home we vowed to visit India again.

Above from left to right: The Gateway of India in Mumbai; Mira explores the Jain temple in Ranakpur; Doing block printing at the Anokhi Museum in Jaipur

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October 2014

your child’s life

when nicknames turn nasty “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me...” CHRISTINA CASTLE

y father was the king of nicknames. No one escaped his wit and sense of humour. My sister was “Spider” (she had long, skinny and hairy limbs), my brother was “Ginger” (yes, he was a bit of a redhead) and I was “Chratfisty” (swing it around and you get Fat Christy). Our boyfriends were collectively known as “Pelicans”. Anyone in the know was a “Rooster”. My best friend Libby was “Liberace”. And my mother was “Horse” (we never quite knew why). Not always the most sensitive or appropriate choice of names, but we understood that there was no malice in his nicknaming. It was just fun dynamics of a family, good old-fashioned teasing and an opportunity to learn to perhaps not take ourselves so seriously and have a bit of a laugh. In the same way that nicknames breed in a family home, they fly around a playground with enormous momentum and enthusiasm as well. It is natural that children create nicknames for their friends, usually out of affection. They tease each other. Tell jokes about each other. But it’s all very well until someone gets hurt. Not

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everyone finds it funny. Not everyone is receptive to it. Not everyone knows when enough is enough. That’s when the innocence of nicknaming fast-tracks to bullying. And that’s not funny at all. Many schools take bullying very seriously. They have bullying policies in place. They educate their students from a very young age as to what bullying is, why it’s not okay, how to identify it and what to do about it when it happens. But the point is that it does happen and it will happen. Not just at school, but in everyday contexts throughout their lives. Just as there are child bullies, there are adolescent and adult bullies as well. It’s just the context that changes – from playground to cyberspace to workplace. And the sooner our children are equipped with the skills to deal with it, the more prepared they are to identify it and negotiate their way around it in the future.

why do children name-call? More often than not, name-calling in younger children is innocent and not intentionally malicious. They are learning what it feels like to tease, what it feels like to be teased and how to respond to it. They are learning that while teasing can be a laugh it can also be hurtful. As the child gets older, teasing and name-calling is more intentional and therefore more hurtful. Social acceptance is critical to the older child and much teasing and name-calling is often related to the child’s need for power and peer acceptance. Catherine Hudson had a son in Grade 3 at a single sex school in Cape Town. His group of friends had taken to calling each other girls’ names. This went on for about a week. Eventually they tired of the tease and they all went back to calling each other their correct names. All, that is, except for Catherine’s son. They all continued to call him “Daisy”. Naturally, he didn’t like this and didn’t understand why his friends were isolating him in this way. He tried to tell them to stop, but nothing changed. “We would sit around the breakfast table every morning and try to coach him with witty retorts, but this just wasn’t working,” says Catherine. “We realised that these were not his words and not his natural way to respond to the situation.” Catherine then spoke to her son’s teacher and the school psychologist, who quickly took control of the situation. After a few meetings with her son, the psychologist empowered him with a set of skills that he would take through his school life. And he dealt with the tease in a manner that was appropriate and right for him. The name-calling stopped. She also chatted to his group of friends and the grade as a whole. What transpired was fascinating. The boys in

the group were devastated that what they thought was a bit of fun, was hurting their friend. They didn’t know that their actions were considered bullying. That was seven years ago and they are the firmest of friends today. There are even differences in the name-calling and teasing between boys and girls. Boys are quick to pass comment on a perceived weakness and/or question manhood. Girls on the other hand often opt for rumourmongering, exclusion from social groups and are keen to pass comment on physical appearance.

Not everyone finds it funny. Not everyone is receptive to it. Not everyone knows when enough is enough. how to deal with the situation Catherine realised her son needed the skills and understanding to put a quick end to the name-calling. As a parent she acknowledged the stress and anguish her son was feeling. It was important to validate her son’s feelings and praise him for his efforts in dealing with the situation. Parents often suggest that their child needs to toughen up, but children don’t possess the life experience or maturity to do that on their own. They need support. Fortunately the school was able to provide prompt and positive solutions. The school psychologist encouraged the child to avoid interactions with these boys and to ignore the name-calling when it happened. His previous reaction to the name-calling was prompting his mates to continue doing it. The boys themselves were also made aware that the name-calling was not acceptable and was hurting their friend. Once they realised this, it stopped. While this situation required minimal intervention, many name-calling situations are often far more severe and traumatic. Some stem from behaviours learnt from adults or an inability to manage emotions or aggression. A quick fix is not a solution. Teaching children better ways to express themselves is. And that’s what parents and schools need to focus on. magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

takes a closer look at what happens when nicknames lose their innocence.

magazine durban

October 2014

women

ocialites to soccer moms, more women are drinking today – and drinking more. There’s a sobering price to pay: around 130 people now die in South Africa each day of alcoholrelated causes, says Medical Research Council acting vice-president Prof Charles Parry, director: Alcohol and Drug Abuse Research Unit. Bathabile Dlamini, the Minister of Social Development, reports that we have one of the world’s highest average individual consumption rates of alcohol a year among drinkers, and are ranked second highest for harmful patterns of drinking, and highest for binge drinking. Women drink for a cocktail of reasons, from escaping poverty or heartache to masking insecurities, shedding inhibitions and just “feeling good”, says Carol du Toit, director of the South African

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National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (SANCA) Durban Alcohol and Drug Centres. And while that may be fine in moderation, it can tip into abuse.

were snapped staggering drunkenly from fashionable thrashes, while nearer home, Idols winner Karin Kortje, mother of three, appeared in court for drunk driving.

Alcohol affects women differently to men and more dangerously. Are you at risk? By GLYNIS HORNING the drivers Studies show the social stigma that traditionally gave women a greater sense of shame about drinking and getting drunk than men has faded, and advertising and celebrity drinkers have lent alcohol acceptability and allure. Last year international model Kate Moss, 40, and actress Sadie Frost, 48, mothers of five children between them,

Du Toit attributes the rise of what’s been dubbed the “Scummy Mummy” to women’s radically altered patterns of parenting and work. Before, we settled down and started families in our 20s, stopping work for the preschool years or longer, she says. Today we’re putting off children to far later and, driven by demanding careers, barely stop for the births. Multiple roles leave us stretched

and stressed, ripe for self-indulgence and escape in alcohol. But while some women stop at one, others drift into addiction. Disruptive or traumatic early life experiences such as divorce, desertion, physical and psychological abuse, alcoholism in the family or psychiatric illness, make you vulnerable to developing a drinking problem, says Parry. So do genetics, although research suggests they are responsible for only half of our risk for alcoholism. Environmental factors account for the rest – peers, family, availability and generally poor social conditions.

the differences Alcohol affects women differently and more dangerously than men. “Once swallowed, it passes through the digestive tract and is dispersed in the body’s water,” Du Toit explains. “The more water in the body, the

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PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

social drinker, scummy mummy or serious alcoholic?

more diluted the alcohol. Women generally weigh less than men and have less water in their bodies, so their brain and other organs are exposed to more alcohol, and to more of the toxic by-products produced through the breakdown and elimination process.” Women also have lower levels of certain enzymes involved in the breakdown of alcohol, and hormone fluctuations influenced by menstruation, oral contraceptives or hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which may affect alcohol metabolism. The result is that women become intoxicated after drinking less than men, and are more likely to experience adverse effects after drinking smaller amounts for fewer years.

behaviour, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancy. Young women are more vulnerable, says Du Toit. “Drinking before age 15 gives a higher predisposition to alcoholism than starting at 21.” They risk eczema, headaches, sleep disturbance, poor education performance and loss of friendships at a crucial life stage. Drinking while pregnant can cause foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), where babies are born with below average birth weight, facial abnormalities, and mental impairment that causes long-term difficulties with learning, memory and problem-solving, as well as causing behaviour problems.

the denial the dangers Alcohol raises women’s risk of breast cancer, hypertension, heart disease, ulcers, reproductive problems, osteoporosis, pancreatitis, brain damage and memory loss, as well as depression, attempted suicide and abuse of recreational drugs. Liver damage from alcohol abuse is more severe for women than men. “They develop cirrhosis and hepatitis faster than men, and more women die from it,” says Du Toit. And even one drink a day can increase the chances of contracting breast cancer by about 20%, says Parry. Post-menopausal women or those with a family history are especially at risk. Drinking also exposes women to accidents, sexual assault, risky sexual

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Waiting for those with alcohol problems to come to their senses and get help is usually futile, says Du Toit: “Denial is part of the disease.” It’s up to those close to them to ensure they get treatment. “They need to see a clinical psychologist or social worker in private practice or come for an informal, confidential chat with a SANCA counsellor.” Ultimately alcoholism has three outcomes, she warns: insanity, death or recovery. “This is a progressive disease and left untreated is always fatal.” The good news is that women are equally capable of recovery as men. Psychotherapy, medications and self-help and support groups are all available. “The sooner they are started the better.”

take care You could be at risk of a drinking problem if you: • gulp drinks at parties. • insist on drinks at any special event or outing. • need drinks at certain regular intervals, however inconvenient to others. • need drinks for your “nerves” because of a stressful day or before you can make a presentation or entertain people. • drink when depressed to escape. • lie about drinking or minimise it to others. • make promises about drinking to others or yourself (“I’ll cut back tomorrow”) when your behaviour draws comments. • use breath-fresheners and perfume to disguise the smell of alcohol. • miss work because of drinking (especially Mondays or after holidays). • act promiscuously as alcohol loosens inhibitions. • become moody and unpredictable. • have memory lapses. • feel generally unwell. These signs in isolation don’t necessarily indicate alcoholism, but a pattern can point to a problem. Get help. If you see them in others, contact SANCA for personalised advice on how to help them.

stop!

get help

The World Health Organization advises: • no more than two alcoholic drinks a day. • no drinking for at least one day a week. • no drinking if you will be driving. • no drinking if pregnant. • no drinking without consulting a doctor or pharmacist if you have a history of illness or if on medication.

SANCA National 086 147 2622 or (regional) 031 202 2241, 011 892 3829, 021 945 4080 or visit sancanational.org. SANCA counsellors are currently undergoing international training in programmes for women. Alcoholics Anonymous SA They have women-specific groups in some cities. Contact: 0861 435 722 or visit aasouthafrica.org.za

October 2014

family life

golden Love and respect is all you need to nurture a grandchild, says CHRISTINA CASTLE.

be there When I say “there” I mean there in heart, spirit and Skype. I realise it’s not always physically possible to be there. While some families are fortunate enough to live in the same city and see each other regularly, many are not. My parents have always lived on the other side of the world. It was hard for them. And it was hard for me. We would try to see each other once a year. But so much happens in a year of a child. My parents missed the mealtimes and milestones. And I am sorry for that. No matter how small they say the world is, it’s not small enough when it comes to those special moments. But even though grandparents are out of sight, they don’t need to be out of mind. My father was old school. He wrote letters, postcards and even

October 2014

be relevant

My parents missed the mealtimes and milestones, and I am sorry for that. No matter how small they say the world is, it’s not small enough when it comes to those special moments. recipes to each of my boys. He told them fishing stories, what he made for dinner the previous night, ranted about the Australian cricket team selection, and always had a rude joke to tell. They understood his quirky sense of humour and character. And that was so important – especially to me. Dad passed away two years ago, but those letters are with us always. New-school grandfather André has breakfast with his grandchildren twice a week despite the fact that he lives in Durban and the young ones live in Toronto. Every Wednesday and Sunday they set up a Skype breakfast and sit around the cyber table – no matter the time zone difference.

be open We are a demanding bunch with demanding lives. We demand a lot from our children, their schools, their childminders and, of course, their grandparents. We know you grannies have lives too, but sometimes we just need to be reminded. One granny I know is 71, starts work at 7am and finishes at 3pm, collects her grandchildren from school each afternoon and cares for them until her daughter walks through the door at 6pm. This granny is a Godsend – and maybe a bit of a doormat. Grandparents, if it doesn’t work for you, you have to speak up. Mark your territory and let your children know when it’s just not going to work for you.

It’s not just about being available to babysit, sing nursery rhymes and play Lego. Grandchildren grow up and keeping that connection and building that relationship is tough, absolutely vital and so rewarding. My mother-in-law has just taught Dylan, my 17 year old, how to reverse park. Very brave, I say, but we were deep in a game reserve and used buffalo bones, brooms and an acacia as obstacles. A herd of bemused impala kept their distance and no real damage was done. She stepped into his Dylancentric world and granny was cool with immediate effect. But it’s not just about one-way traffic into their world. Grandchildren need to be invited, dragged and embraced into your life too. So while Dylan was burning rubber in the bush, 14-yearold Alex was building a very impressive bird count under the watchful eye of the senior driving instructor. I loved hearing both their excitement as they spotted something new. “Spoonbill, Granny. 76.” “It’s 75, Alex. Don’t cheat.” “76, Granny. There’s Pied Kingfisher on the other side of the river.” Did I mention that she taught them both to knit?

follow the rules Ok, so this is where things can sometimes become unstuck. And they certainly have with us – from both sides of the family and the world. While I am not about to air our dirty laundry, I am going to out one granny I know who feeds her vegetarian grandson biltong. It’s like feeding bones to the hyena in the game reserve. You just don’t do it no matter how much you want to. No matter how good that biltong tastes. We all have our parenting styles and what works for a grandparent may not necessarily work for their child’s family. At the end of the day, they call the shots. This may require a lot of tongue biting and restraint. You just have to suck it up and respect it. Don’t rock the boat. Your mountain of child-rearing expertise is certainly acknowledged. But don’t take over. Respect the rules. Be gentle in your approach. I’ve just spotted an ad for a great twobedroom flat in Sea Point. I will forward it to my mother-in-law. Dylan needs a few more driving lessons, after all. magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

wish the boys’ grannies lived in Cape Town. There, I’ve said it – made it public. I recently let this slip to my mother-in-law and I think she took me seriously. And, I mean, really seriously. She’s been asking about property prices in Sea Point. What have I done? Truth be told, we’ve missed out. All of us, that is. Our families are scattered. My husband’s mother is a die-hard Joburger and mine is just a regular Australian. And our family of four is first-generation Capetonian (sort of), which basically means that when I scream “Help!” it takes at least 24 hours before one of the grannies arrives to take charge. It would be so much easier if they just lived in the next suburb. Maybe even Hermanus. Am I sounding like a spoilt brat? Really, I’m not. We families without grandparents living in the same city (FWOGLISC – I just made that up, it’s not a real acronym) have learnt to sniff out mates who are also part of the FWOGLISC network. They are fabulous and I love them as if they were family. But there is no replacing the real thing. And whether your child is seven months, seven years or 17 years old, a granny is a granny is a granny, and they certainly have their place. The relationship between grandparent and grandchild is indeed a very special one – no matter your relationship with the grandparent. It needs time, space and respect for all involved.

books

a good read for toddlers Maisy Goes to the Cinema By Lucy Cousins

for preschoolers Don’t Touch my Privates! – For Girls/Boys By NT Lenyai and Tania Summers

first nces p x e erie

(Published by Walker Books, R158) There is a thrilling new movie showing, featuring a huge movie star, with lots of popcorn and snacks, and toilet breaks. Maisy and her friends are going to the cinema for the first time. They are off to see the latest adventure movie, Hero in the Jungle. Eddie’s favourite movie star, Troy T Tiger, is starring and he can barely contain his excitement. In fact, he gets so excited that he shouts at the screen. “Shhhhhhh...” hiss the other moviegoers. “Don’t you know you can’t shout in the cinema, Eddie?” Seating arrangements, the dark cinema, popcorn spills and a nail-biting, hidebehind-your-hands moment... this is everything a first cinema trip is about. Little ones from the age of three will thoroughly enjoy this exciting tale.

(Published by Ori Productions, R120) This book is to help people who work with children aged three to 10 years old to take the initiative of teaching them about sexual abuse and proper physical interaction between children and adults and among children themselves. It is best read to and with children. There are a few highlighted notes in the book that encourage active participation by the reader and the child. It is written and illustrated in a nonthreatening manner, which is child-friendly and easy to understand and can be read on a one-on-one basis or to groups of children. The book empowers them with information about how far people are allowed to get into their personal space and how to create boundaries between themselves, their bodies and other people’s bodies. To order and for more info visit donttouchmyprivates.com

for early graders

for us d

ire be insp

The Little Nut Tree By Sally Gardner (Published by Orion Books, R96) This is a new early reader edition of Carnegie Medal-winner Sally Gardner, based on a favourite nursery rhyme. Early readers are stepping-stones from picture books to reading books. A blue early reader, such as this one, is perfect for sharing and reading together. When your child feels more confident, a red early reader is the next step on your child’s reading journey. Other books available in the blue series include Moody Margaret’s Makeover, The Three Little Pirates, Miranda the Explorer, Shumba’s Big Adventure and many more. In this well-known tale, a young girl gets a little nut tree for her birthday. It is a very special tree and everyone wants to see it, even a horrid little princess who wants the tree all for herself.

for preteens and teens who? what? where? when?

Penelope Crumb Never Forgets By Shawn K Stout (Published by Quercus, R76) Patsy Cline is becoming best friends with another girl and it looks like Penelope is going to lose her to Vera Bogg. So Penelope starts a secret museum full of things that remind her of the people she loves, in case she loses them too. Lizzie Maple, who loves adventure, is on board to help. But other people seem to think “taking their things for a museum” is the same as “stealing”, and Penelope is suddenly in a lot of trouble. Can Penelope win back Patsy? And can she figure out a way to create her memory museum without stealing things? Children will love this quirky new character, and even those as young as eight years old will be able to associate with Penelope Crumb. magazine durban

All the Wrong Questions: When Did You See Her Last? By Lemony Snicket (Published by Egmont Children’s Books, R167) This is book two in the highly anticipated new series from Lemony Snicket. In the follow up to Who Could That Be at This Hour?, in the fading town of Stain’dby-the-Sea, young apprentice Lemony Snicket has a new case to solve when he is hired to find a missing girl. Is the girl a runaway? Has anyone seen her? Why aren’t her parents upset? What do a chemistry experiment, a grocery store and a stolen statue have to do with anything? Was she last seen at the grocery store? Or could she have stopped at the diner? Is it really any of your business? Are these the wrong questions or not?

The Long Ride Home By Rupert Isaacson

Until I Say Good-Bye By Susan Spencer-Wendel with Bret Witter (Published by Harperluxe, R342) In June 2011, Susan Spencer-Wendel learnt she had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), an irreversible condition that destroys the nerves that power the muscles. She was 44 years old, with a devoted husband and three young children, and she had only one year of health remaining. She decided to spend that year with her family and friends. As her health declined, she took seven trips with the seven most important people in her life. She swam with dolphins with her sons and went to New York with her daughter. From the parking lot where she cried after her diagnosis to hot springs near the Arctic Circle, from a hilarious family Christmas disaster to a monastery in Cyprus, this is Spencer-Wendel’s unforgettable gift to her loved ones.

(Published by Penguin SA, R149) Rowan came back from the shamans in Mongolia a changed boy. The three most debilitating effects of his autism were gone. But a year almost to the day since his improvement, he started regressing: the accidents and tantrums reappeared, terrifying his father Rupert. Father and son embarked on a new quest, journeying from visiting the Bushmen of Namibia to Queensland, Australia and finally to the Navajo reservations of the American southwest, where Rowan was transformed. This is a story of incredible love and adventure that would test their courage and change their lives, and those of the families who joined them.

parenting book New Hope for ADHD: in Children and Adults; A Practical Guide By Helena Bester (Published by NB Publishers, R199) Helena Bester, a leading expert on ADHD in South Africa, shares some success stories from the thousands of ADHD sufferers who have crossed her path. With case studies, she shares the latest treatment options. One of the new alternative treatments she discusses is neurofeedback therapy. It is used for all forms of ADHD. Although less common, it’s also used successfully in the treatment of anxiety disorders, insomnia, depression, epilepsy, brain injuries, autism and addiction. The author also provides guidance on how to handle ADHD children in the classroom and how to deal with the Department of Education. October 2014

resource

condition(al) support We’ve summed up 10 common childhood conditions based on the general queries we

very family has its challenges, but life can be harder than we know for some children and their parents. A child may struggle with a learning difficulty or be teased at school because of their weight. Other children feel anxious, depressed or defiant. Neurological conditions and diseases also confront families, but there is help for children and their parents. Here are some support options that may work for your family.

According to the Association for Autism, current worldwide statistics suggest that one in every 100 children is diagnosed with ASD. National support • ASA – Autism South Africa. Contact: 011 484 9909, info@autismsouthafrica. org or visit aut2know.co.za Durban • Action in Autism. Contact: 031 207 4858, info@actioninautism.org.za or visit actioninautism.org.za

adhd and add Attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are both characterised by a lack of attention. ADHD also includes hyperactivity and impulsive behaviour. Adhasa notes that between 8% and 10% of South Africans have either ADD or ADHD. Children with this condition often fidget, talk a lot, become easily distracted, and have trouble listening and staying focused. While many children behave like this at some point, those with ADD or ADHD exhibit these behaviours for longer, which interferes with a child’s social, academic and home life. National support • Adhasa – Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Support Group of Southern Africa. Contact: 011 888 7655, info@adhasa.co.za or visit adhasa.co.za Durban • ADDicted to Life (St Augustine’s Hospital, Glenwood). Contact: 031 822 8573, 083 293 2145, addictedtolifeteam@gmail.com or visit facebook.com/addictedtolifeteam

October 2014

behaviour disorders

• Living ADDventure (individual and group ADHD coaching, assessments, talks, training and workshops). Contact: 031 777 1853, info@ladd.co.za or visit ladd.co.za

anxiety disorders While everyone experiences some anxiety, those with anxiety disorders experience excessive distress, fear or panic, which can be so intense that it interferes with their ability to function in everyday situations. The South African Stress and Health Study (2009) found that over 15% of South Africans experience some type of anxiety disorder. These include phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, or panic disorders where people suddenly experience feelings of terror. Generalised anxiety disorder, obsessivecompulsive disorder and social anxiety disorder (when people are overly worried

about interacting in social settings), are other forms of anxiety disorders. National support • Sadag – The South African Depression and Anxiety Group. Visit sadag.org

autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) This is an umbrella term for those experiencing some form of autism. While there is a wide variation of symptoms for ASDs, they commonly affect social skills, communication and behaviour. The main childhood-onset disorders that fall within ASD are Asperger’s syndrome (AS), pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS), childhood disintegrative disorder and autistic disorder or classic autism. Classic autism is the most severe, but most people on the spectrum have milder autism disorders, such as AS.

It is normal for children to sometimes behave badly by defying their parents or being naughty. But children with behaviour disorders act out more frequently, and their behaviour can affect school and home life as well as social relationships. Children with oppositional defiant disorder are typically quick to anger, defy figures of authority and deliberately annoy others. Conduct disorder sometimes comes later and is characterised by more aggressive or even criminal behaviour. Children with a behaviour disorder may be acting out because of stress in their lives, family conflict or substance abuse in the home. National support • Anger and Stress Management Centre (programmes run on a one-on-one basis; call first to confirm if they see children). Contact Cape Town: 021 554 3661, Joburg: 083 309 1154, Durban south: 083 997 7602, Durban North: 079 943 2093 or Pretoria: 012 348 4098, info@angerstress.com or visit angerstress.com

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPHS: shutterstock.com

receive at Child magazine, and found places that offer support. By TAMLYN VINCENT

diabetes

learning disorders

This disease affects the way the body uses glucose, causing blood sugar levels to be higher than normal. There are two main types of diabetes. Type 1 diabetes occurs when the pancreas stops producing insulin, usually in children and young adults. The insulin then needs to be replaced in the body, using injections, which can be scary for children and parents. Type 2 diabetes occurs when the pancreas stops producing enough insulin or the insulin doesn’t work properly. This type was previously more common in adults over 40, but with lifestyle changes it is becoming increasingly common in children.

Someone with a learning disorder has difficulty reading, writing, spelling, working with numbers, or organising or processing information. Learning disorders cannot be cured, but with sufficient support children can learn how to cope. Dyslexia is when someone has difficulty recognising or decoding writing. Those with dyscalculia struggle with numbers and symbols. Dysgraphia is a writing disability. Auditory and visual processing disorders mean that children have trouble interpreting information, and people with nonverbal learning disabilities struggle to read nonverbal language cues.

National support • Diabetes South Africa. Contact: 086 111 3913, national@diabetessa.org.za or visit diabetessa.co.za

National support • SAALED – The South African Association for Learning and Educational Differences (workshops and talks available). Contact: 011 325 2406, membership@saaled.org.za or visit saaled.org.za

Durban • The Sugar Babe Foundation (offers support and runs camps for children with diabetes). Contact: 031 265 5377, 073 644 1409, admin@sugarbabe.org.za or visit sugarbabe.org.za

mood disorders Mood disorders such as depression and bipolar disorders are marked by intense bad moods that last for long periods of

time. With depression people experience sadness, pessimism and worthlessness, while mania is characterised by extreme happiness, euphoria or enthusiasm. In bipolar disorder, people swing between these two poles. The South African Stress and Health Study (2009) noted that almost 10% of South Africans will experience a mood disorder at some point in their life. National support • Bipolar Kids and Teens South Africa (online info, with a WhatsApp support group). Contact: bpkidssa@mweb. co.za or visit bpkidssouthafrica.co.za • Sadag – The South African Depression and Anxiety Group. Visit sadag.org • South African Bipolar Site. Visit bipolar.co.za

obesity Obesity is becoming increasingly prevalent in children as a result of lifestyle factors such as a lack of exercise and poor nutrition. Obesity is usually diagnosed by measuring body mass index (BMI), which uses height and weight to measure a person’s body fat. This measurement is not always accurate and can be misleading, especially when a child is having a growth spurt, but it is an indicator that there may be a problem and can help your doctor decide whether further tests are needed. Obesity can also lead to health problems such as diabetes and heart disease, and social problems such as being bullied or low self-esteem. National support • Overeaters Anonymous. Contact: 011 640 2901, OA_SA@overeatersanonymous. org.za or visit oa.org.za • Eating Disorders Anonymous (for online meetings or to find one in South Africa). Visit eatingdisordersanonymous.org

sleep disorders There are a variety of disorders that cause sleep disturbances. Sleep apnoea occurs when children have difficulty breathing during sleep. Restless leg syndrome (the urge to move your legs) and insomnia (difficulty in falling or staying asleep), are other sleep disorders. Arousal disorders

magazine durban

include sleep walking and talking, and night terrors. Children may also experience bedwetting or nocturnal enuresis. Children usually grow out of bedwetting by six or seven years old. National support • Sleep Medicine (provides info, resources and assistance for dealing with sleep disorders). Visit sleepmedicine.co.za

speech disorders Someone who has difficulty communicating through speech may have a speech disorder. These disorders interfere with certain aspects of speech such as pronunciation, fluency, pitch or quality. Some speech disorders that children may face include stuttering, a disorder that affects the fluency of speech, and articulation disorders, when words or sounds are substituted, left out or added into speech. Lisps are a type of substitution. There are a variety of conditions that affect speech, such as brain injury, hearing loss, physical disabilities or neurological disorders. Aphasia, dysarthria and apraxia are disorders associated with brain disorders or injury. Depending on the cause of the speech disorder, you may want to look for a support group that addresses the specific issue. National support • Speak Easy (for people who stutter). Contact: info@speakeasy.org.za or visit speakeasy.org.za For brain injury Durban • Headway. Visit headway.org.za

October 2014

calendar

You can also access the calendar online at

what’s on in october

childmag.co.za

Your guide for what to do, where to go and who to see. Compiled by TAMLYN VINCENT

11 sat

special events

FUN for children

only for parents

bump, baby & tot in tow

how to help

SPECIAL EVENTS

FUN FOR CHILDREN

ONLY FOR PARENTS

bump, baby & tot in tow

how to help

Flying Fish Swim School beach adventure camp Holiday fun in the sun for children.

Sunfit Free exercise classes every weekday and Saturday means everyone can join in.

Toptots Classes develop babies’ and children’s motor skills through fun activities and play.

iThemba Lethu Help them by investing in orphans or vulnerable children with HIV/Aids.

October 2014

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPHS: shutterstock.com

Minishova Young cyclists in your family can join in the Amashova action with this smaller event on the Saturday.

SPECIAL EVENTS

fri

4 saturday

Find home improvement

Montessori Early Childhood Teacher Training An information session for 2015. Time: 9am–10:30am. Venue: Durban. Cost: varies. Contact: durban@montessorisa.co.za

products, decor, accessories and

12 sunday National Bandana Day Support The Sunflower Fund and buy a bandana from Pick n Pay or Round Table. Cost: R25. For more info: visit sunflowerfund.org.za Tsogo Sun Amashova Durban Classic This cycling race offers the 106km route from Pietermaritzburg, 65km from Cato Ridge or the 35km fun ride from Hillcrest. Time: varies. Venue: starts vary, ends at Suncoast Casino. Cost: R130–R340. Contact: 031 312 8896 or visit shova.co.za

13 monday Poetry Africa festival Some of the world’s finest poets and musicians come to Durban. Ends 18 October. For the programme: 031 260 2506 or visit cca.ukzn.ac.za

14 tuesday 80s Rewind Retro fashion, dance and music takes audiences back in time. Ends 11 January. Time: 8pm Tuesday–Saturday, 2pm Sunday. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R155 Wednesday–Saturday, R120 Tuesday, R110 Sunday. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@barnyardtheatres. co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za

magazine durban

Ends

Friday–Saturday, 10am–6pm Sunday.

Venue:

Durban

Exhibition Centre. Cost:

Durban Children’s Theatre Festival Catch children’s shows such as Zap and Buttons, a show about fitness, health and nutrition. Ends 11 October. Time: varies. Venue: Catalina Theatre, Wilson’s Wharf. Cost: varies. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

Minishova Part of the Tsogo Sun Amashova Durban Classic, the Minishova is for younger cyclists. Time: 7:30am 5km, 8:30am 1km. Venue: Sunkist Beach, Suncoast, Durban Beachfront. Cost: 3–5 year olds R75, 6–8 year olds R90. Contact: melissa@amashova. co.za or visit amashova.co.za

furniture.

October. Time: 10am–9pm

6 monday

11 saturday

FUN FOR CHILDREN

Durban Homemakers Expo

adults R50. Contact: 031 764

5270,

dbn.expo@

homemakers-sa.co.za or visit homemakersonline.co.za

The Patrick Holford Good Medicine tour Nutritional expert Patrick Holford presents in-depth health seminars. Time: 2pm–4pm Burn Fat Fast seminar, 6pm–9pm Good Medicine seminar. Venue: Durban Country Club, Isaiah Ntshangase Rd. Cost: R350–R850. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

16 thursday Durban International Blues Festival See local blues bands and international acts. Ends 19 October. Time: 7:30pm. Venue: Zacks @ Wilson’s Wharf, Durban. Cost: R130. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

19 sunday 7-a-Side Durban Soccer Tournament Choc hosts a soccer tournament for men. Time: 9am–6pm. Venue: Westville Old Boys Soccer Field, 5 Link Rd. Cost: R2 000 per team. Contact: 086 111 2182 or coordinatorkzn@choc.org.za Old Mutual Music at the Lake Matthew Mole, Hot Water and Monark perform. Time: 2:15pm. Venue: Durban Botanic Gardens, Berea. Cost: pre-sales R130, on the day R150, children ages 8–12 R50. Contact: 031 322 4201 or book through Webtickets: webtickets.co.za

24 friday Durban Good Food and Wine Show Celebrate food, with the Celebrity Chef’s Theatre, The Extreme Nutrition Theatre, family fun and more. Ends 26 October. Time: 10am–9pm Friday–Saturday, 10am–6pm

Sunday. Venue: Durban Exhibition Centre. Cost: R40–R80. For more info: visit goodfoodandwineshow.co.za

25 saturday Bieber & Buddies – Never say Never Bieber takes on One Direction in a charttopping showdown. Also 1, 15 November; 20, 27 December; 3, 10 January. Time: 2pm. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R90. Contact: 031 566 3045 or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za Halloween at uShaka Have a thrilling family experience, with trick or treating and a dolphin show. Ends 26 October. Time: 4pm. Venue: uShaka Marine World. Cost: R120. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

art, culture and science Arty Stars Art lessons suitable for toddlers 18 months–5 years old, and moms. Time: 2:30pm Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Venue: Baby Bright Stars Studio, Westville. Cost: R680 per term. Contact: 083 777 4578 or visit Facebook: Baby Bright Stars

classes, talks and workshops Durban Botanic Gardens schools programme Students learn about nature. Foundation, preprimary, intermediate and senior phases available. Time: 8:30am–12pm Monday–Friday. Venue: St Thomas Rd, Berea. Cost: learners R25. Contact: 031 322 4025 or jody.fuchs@ durban.gov.za French lessons The new term runs from 29 September–6 December. Time: varies. Venue: Alliance Française, 22 Sutton Crescent, Morningside. Cost: from R700 per term. Contact: 031 312 9582 or afdbn@global.co.za Little Learner programme Grade R children prepare for more formal learning. Time: varies. Venues: Kip McGrath Ballito, Kip McGrath Pinetown and Kip McGrath Umhlanga. Cost: varies. Contact Ballito: 032 946 2293, Pinetown: 031 702 6833 or Umhlanga: 031 566 1110 or visit kipmcgrath.co.za

29 wednesday Christmas Country Fair 2014 Find a wide variety of gifts, decor, toys and more, and see Christmas cooking demonstrations. Ends 30 October. Time: 9am–6pm Wednesday, 9am–5pm Thursday. Venue: Collisheen Estate, Ballito. Cost: R50 entry. Contact: 083 779 6279 or sandra@eca.co.za Crow 2014 Charity Golf Day Time: 10:30am. Venue: Durban Country Club, Isaiah Ntshangase Rd. Cost: R2 000 per four-ball. Contact: 031 462 1127 or info@crowkzn.co.za Reach for a Dream’s Annual Ladies’ Golf Day Time: 8am. Venue: Umhlali Country Club. Cost: R320. Contact: 031 566 2220, denise@reachforadream.org.za or visit reachforadream.org.za

25 and 26 October – Halloween at uShaka

October 2014

calendar Sunday of every month. Venue: 4 Hinton Grove, Virginia. Cost: R5 per ride. Contact Gerald: 082 569 1383 or visit dsme.co.za

ArtSpace Exhibitions include Fibreworks VIII, Different Situations and

sport and physical activities

Migration. Time: 9am–5pm Monday–Friday,

9am–2pm

Saturday. Venue: ArtSpace Durban, 3 Millar Rd, Stamford Hill. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031

312

0793

visit

artspace-durban.com

family outings Books2You book fair Time: 8:30am–1pm 2 October, 7:30am–10am 3 October. Venue: Hillcrest Junior Primary. Also at Kloof Senior Primary 21 and 22 October, Durban Girls College 22 and 23 October, Hillcrest Primary 27–29 October, Forest View Primary and Cygnet Prep 30 and 31 October. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 705 7744 or orders@books2you.co.za

finding nature and outdoor play Flag Animal Farm With rescued animals, a milking show, indoor play centre, coffee shop and more. Time: daily milking show, 12pm and 3pm. Venue: Sheffield Beach. Cost: R33 entry. Contact: 032 947 2018

holiday programmes A Whale of a Time Celebrate Marine Week with fun, educational activities and games for children 8–16 years old. 7 and 8 October. Time: 8am–4pm. Venue: Wessa Treasure Beach Environmental Education Centre, 835 Marine Dr, Bluff. Cost: R100. Contact: 031 467 8507, tatum.vansoelen@ wessa.co.za or verlin.figueira@wessa.co.za Computers4Kids holiday workshops Different information and technology skills are taught each day. 2–10 October. Time: 12:30pm–2:30pm Monday–Friday. Venue: suite 124 Ridgeton Towers, 6 Aurora Dr, Umhlanga Ridge. Cost: R140 per session. Contact: 031 566 1110 or umhlanga@ computers4kids.co.za Flying Fish Swim School beach adventure camp Activities include beach sports, body boarding, sand sculpture and environmental learning for children 4–12 years old. Supervision provided by qualified lifeguards. Snacks and lunch included. 6–9 October. Time: 8am–1pm. Venue: Marine Surf Lifesaving Club, Addington Beach. Cost: R150–R480. Contact: 074 155 9915 or flyingfishswimschool.dbn@gmail.com Gwahumbe’s Junior Ranger camp Children 8–13 years old learn about animals, nature and survival in the bush. 6–8 October. Time: confirmed on booking. Venue: Gwahumbe Game and Spa, MidIllovo. Cost: varies. Contact: 087 150 3475 or info@gwahumbe.co.za Mum’s Aide Holiday Club Children under 10 years old enjoy crafts, organised play, games, snacks and lunch. 6–10 October. Time: 7:30am–1pm (half-day), 7:30am–5pm (full day). Venue: Heather Belle’s Café, 4 Swapo Rd, Durban North. Cost: half-day R120, full day R180. Contact: 078 617 2473, tinalepan@mumsaide.com or visit mumsaide.com

October 2014

Sugar Bay holiday camp Children 7–17 years old can enjoy Shaka Zulu week. Time: starts 3pm 5 October ends 12pm 12 October. Venue: Zinkwazi Beach, North Coast. Cost: R5 399. Contact: 032 485 3778, holidays@sugarbay.co.za or visit sugarbay.co.za Tots n Pots holiday programme They keep children busy with a daily cooking lesson and a craft activity. 6–10 October. Time: 9am–11am. Venue: 2 Silver Oak Ave, Mount Edgecombe. Cost: R130. Contact: 072 628 8642 or charlotte@totsnpots.com

markets Essenwood Market Time: 9am–2pm every Saturday. Venue: Essenwood Rd. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 208 1264 or visit essenwoodmarket.com I Heart Market Showcases handmade, homemade and locally designed food, crafts, gifts and more. 4 October. Time: 9am–2pm. Venue: Moses Mabhida Stadium, Stamford Hill. Cost: free entry. Contact: thejoyteam@gmail.com or visit iheartmarket.blogspot.com Open Markets The charity shops, tea garden and nursery are open, plus there’s fun for children. Time: 8am–12pm every Monday and Saturday, 9am–1pm 26 October. Venue: Kloof and Highway SPCA, 29 Village Rd. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 764 1212/3 Shongweni Farmer’s and Craft Market Time: 6:30am–10:30am every Saturday. Venue: cnr Kassier Rd and Alverstone Rd, Assagay. Cost: free entry. Contact: 083 777 1674, info@shongwenimarket.co.za or visit shongwenimarket.co.za

Stables Lifestyle Market With plenty of shopping and secure parking. Time: 6pm–10pm every Wednesday and Friday, 10am–5pm every Sunday. Venue: 9 Jaco Jackson Dr, Durban. Cost: free entry. Contact: 031 312 3058 The Morning Trade Find homemade specialties, fresh flowers and quality meats. Time: 8am–2pm every Sunday. Venue: 8 Morrison St, Durban. Cost: free entry. Contact: info@themorningtrade.co.za or visit Facebook: The Morning Trade The Play Market With children’s entertainment, craft stalls, artisan food, live music and craft beer. 25 October. Time: 9am–2pm. Venue: Giba Gorge Mountain Bike Park, 110 Stockville Rd. Cost: R10 park entry. Contact Derryn: 071 307 0823 or gotoplaymarket@gmail.com

on stage and screen Bieber & Buddies – Never say Never 25 October; 1 and 15 November; 20 and 27 December; 3 and 10 January. Time: 2pm. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R90. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@barnyardtheatres.co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za Durban Children’s Theatre Festival 6–11 October. Time: varies. Venue: Catalina Theatre, Wilson’s Wharf. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 837 5999, catalinatheatre@ gmail.com or visit catalinatheatre.com Postman Pat: The Movie In this animated film, Pat leaves his village for a chance to find success on a national talent show. But the village is under threat from robot copies of the famous postman. Pat must choose between fame and loyalty. Opens 31 October. Venue: 3D and other cinemas nationwide. For more info: visit sterkinekor. com or numetro.co.za Star Wars Rebels: Spark of Rebellion The crew of the starship, Ghost, face threatening new villains, encounter colourful adversaries and embark on thrilling adventures. Movie premieres 11 October; series begins 18 October. Time: 9:20am every Saturday. On Disney XD, DStv channel 304. For more info: visit disney.co.za/disney-xd

playtime and story time

7 and 8 October – A Whale of a Time

Lucky Bean A fun, exciting and safe children’s playground and coffee shop. Time: 9am–4pm Tuesday–Sunday. Venue: 10 Cadmoor Rd, Assagay. Cost: R20 for the first child, R15 for each additional child per family. Contact: 082 216 3892, info@ luckybean.co or visit luckybean.co (no .za) Steam train rides Ride a miniature steam engine at the Durban Society of Model Engineers. Time 11am–4pm, second

Adventure Kids swim school Beginners, intermediate and advanced classes available. For children 1–15 years old. Time: 2pm–5pm Monday–Thursday. Venue: Glenashley Preparatory School, Durban North. Cost: R400 per month. Contact: 084 624 5962 or visit adventurekidsswim. weebly.com Taekwondo Tornados Time and venue: from 3:30pm, every Wednesday, Westville Library; from 2pm, every Tuesday, Hillcrest Library. Cost: R130 per month. Contact: 082 876 0628 or tkdtornados@gmail.com

only for parents classes, talks and workshops Booty Barre Try this new barre workout at Pilates in Motion Studio. Pilates and tae bo also available. Time: varies. Venue: Glenwood. Cost: R270 per class per week. Contact: 082 443 4533 or info@ pilatesinmotion.co.za Learn to Meditate day retreat 5 October. Time: 10am–4pm. Venue: Krantzkloof Interpretative Centre, Kloof Falls Rd. Cost: R200. Contact: 031 764 6193, info@meditateindurban.org or visit meditateindurban.org Parent Effectiveness Training Course An eight-week course on practical communication skills for parents. Begins 14 October. Time: 6pm–9pm every Tuesday. Venue: Durban. Cost: R250 per session. Contact: karen@parents.co.za or visit parents.co.za Sunfit Kick, Zumba, boot camp, yoga and Corefit classes. Time: 5:30pm Monday– Friday, 7am and 8am Saturday. Venue: Sundeck, Suncoast Casino. Cost: free. For more info: visit sunfitsa.mob

on stage and screen 80s Rewind A colourful cast rewind to pop, new wave and arena rock in 80s style. 14 October–11 January. Time: varies. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R155 Wednesday–Saturday, R120 Tuesday, R110 Sunday. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@barnyardtheatres.co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za

out and about Christmas through the Home Experience the magic of Christmas with unique handmade crafts, tree decorations and more. No children. Ends 1 November. Time: 4pm Tuesday, 10am Wednesday– Saturday. Venue: 9A Highlands Rd, Pinetown. Cost: R5, opening night R20. Contact 031 702 5811, 083 270 1901 or 083 414 4388

support groups ADDicted to Life Addressing the concerns of parents or guardians of children with ADD or ADHD. Venue: St Augustine’s Hospital, Glenwood. Contact: 031 822 8573, 083 293 2145, addictedtolifeteam@gmail.com or visit Facebook: ADDicted To Life Team magazine durban

it’s party time

Choc – Childhood Cancer Foundation KZN For support and more info, contact: 086 111 2182, dbn@choc.org.za or visit choc.org.za Famsa Offers family and relationship counselling. Contact: 031 202 8987 or visit 30 Bulwer Rd, Glenwood SADAG For those suffering from depression or drug abuse or who may be suicidal. For more info or referral to a support group: visit sadag.org

For more help planning your child’s party visit

bump, baby & Tot in tow

childmag.co.za/

classes, talks and workshops Busytots classes A developmental programme for children 1–3 years old. Time: varies, Wednesday–Friday. Venue: Musgrave. Cost: R900 per term. Contact: 083 236 0059 or lisa@busyballers.co.za Edubabe Childminder training, first-aid workshops and cooking classes. Time: varies. Venue: Glenwood. Cost: varies. Contact Kate: 071 968 1007 or durban@ edubabe.co.za Pebbles An interactive play group and coffee morning. Time: 9:30am–11:30am, every Friday. Venue: The Rock Church, cnr Tamarind Close and Umhlanga Rocks Dr. Cost: free. Contact: 084 567 7776 Pre- and postnatal yoga Time: prenatal yoga 4:30pm Thursday, postnatal yoga 10:30am Tuesday. Venue: Alverstone Rd, Assagay. Cost: one class per week R240 per month. Contact: 083 560 5390, isabel@ blissfulbellies.co.za or visit blissfulbellies.co.za Pregnancy Yoga Time: 9:30am–10:45am every Saturday. Venue: Centre for Wellbeing, 16 Canberra Ave, Durban North. Cost: R260 per month. Contact Angela: 076 410 1410 or angela@rautenbach.co.za

resources/birthday-parties

14 October–11 January – 80s Rewind

Moms and Babes and Moms and Tots workshops Programmes stimulate, develop skills and promote bonding. Venues: Amanzimtoti, Berea, Durban North, Umhlanga and the Highway area. Cost: varies. For more info: visit momsandbabes. co.za or momsandtots.co.za Toptots Children 8 weeks–4 years old learn and play. Time: varies. Venue: branches in Ballito, Durban North, Glenwood, Hillcrest, Westville, PMB Hayfields and Hilton. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 266 4910, 082 876 7791, admin@toptots.co.za or visit toptots.co.za

support groups Mothers 2 Baby For new and more experienced moms who find motherhood challenging. Babies welcome. Overseen by a clinical psychologist. Time: 10am–11:30am, third Thursday of every month. Venue: Hillcrest Private Hospital, Kassier Rd. Cost: free. Contact: 061 453 3718

how to help

Pre- and postnatal yoga

playtime and story time Gap Group The Groovy Adventurer Programme offers sensory play groups for moms and little ones. Term starts 15 October. Time: varies. Venue: 23 Levenhall Rd, Glenmore. Cost: first term R680, following terms R480. Contact: 071 885 4618 or heather.gap@gmail.com Little Me Moms and Toddlers workshops Fun workshops for toddlers 1–3,5 years old and moms. Time: varies. Venue: Sunningdale. Cost: R75. Contact: 084 821 6668 or visit littleme.yolasite.com

iThemba Lethu Durban Supports babies and children threatened by HIV/Aids in the Manor Gardens and Cato Manor regions. If you can offer help through your time, finances or skills, contact: 031 261 7723, karen@ithembalethu.org.za or visit ithembalethu.org.za Prematurity Day bracelets Support World Prematurity Day on 17 November by purchasing a bracelet. Proceeds go to the Newborns Groote Schuur Trust. Beaded bracelets cost R30, silicone bands cost R15. Contact: 083 286 9582 or tanya.clarke@ draeger.com Social butterfly Purchase your R20 temporary butterfly tattoo in support of World Hospice and Palliative Care Day on 11 October. Tattoos are available at various Primi Piatti outlets nationwide and from your nearest hospice. For more info: visit hpca.co.za

don’t miss out! For a free listing, email your event to durban@childmag.co.za. Information must be received by 3 October for the November issue, and must include all relevant details. No guarantee can be given that it will be published. To post an event online, visit childmag.co.za

magazine durban

October 2014

finishing touch

expert opinions No-one likes a know-it-all.

veryone is an expert when it comes to parenting. It starts off early – around the time you tell people you’re pregnant. Having had a baby, they are more than willing to tell you the “right way” to handle your pregnancy, the birthing of your child, when to introduce solids, and eventually how to discipline your children. Not that I would know, but I’d imagine it continues until your child is grown up and is trying to make it on their own after school. It’s a difficult pill to swallow as you don’t want to offend anyone about sharing their experiences with you – they’re only trying to help. But the bottom line is, no-one really appreciates a know-it-all, so we should think twice before judging others. It’s often the people who have either never had children, or those who have not had a baby, toddler, child or teenager in their household for a while.

I find it difficult to remember what it was like being pregnant, so I try my best to steer clear of making any knowit-all comments to my pregnant friends. Memory, after all, can be a very deceiving element after a number of years not living the life of a pregnant woman or housing a toddler or young child. We forget what it’s like to have something different in our immediate and everyday surroundings. Usually, I’ll try to have a thick skin, but sometimes it can get to you. After travelling for 29 hours with my son to Canada, he had a meltdown after he fell asleep for the last 30 minutes of our final flight and then had to be woken to disembark and walk to customs. I could barely get him off the seat – flip-flopping everywhere. It’s virtually impossible to carry a four year old, roll a small suitcase and attempt the narrow aisles of a plane. He had been complimented by so many people the entire

Cassandra and her son

journey for behaving so well, but absolutely lost it when I told him I couldn’t carry him. It was a temper tantrum of note, although totally understandable given the hours spent commuting to and from opposite sides of the globe. It’s tiring enough for an adult to make a long journey of this nature. I was really surprised that no-one saw how much I was struggling and asked if I needed any help with my luggage. Instead, everyone just stared and gave us dirty looks and comments as they walked by. It felt like one

of those moments when you’re in public and some people turn up their noses and look at your children as if they are vermin. I suppose it’s all part of parenting and something we have to get used to. But in moments like these, I wish some people would realise how hurtful their comments come across and be a little more understanding. After travelling on her own with her fouryear-old son, Cassandra is a little touchy these days.

family marketplace

October 2014

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: MENKE BONNEMA

CASSANDRA SHAW explains why.