Child magazine | DBN October 2013

D U R B A N ’ S

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f o r

p a r e n t s

new

life-saving pregnancy test

allergy alert

common causes often overlooked

fear factor

when children become overwhelmed

fun &

game a toddler on safari

dealing with

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October 2013

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Hunter House P U B L I S H I N G

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As I paged through this “dealing with difference” issue, I was struck by a common and all-too-familiar thread – intense fear.

Fear has many faces. It can be overwhelming for children, and parents, to try to come to terms with the psychological and physical aspects of this commanding emotion. I have a friend who is currently going through a divorce.

It’s devastating for her but terrifying for her daughter, who has been to the doctor often, only to be told she is not sick. This little girl fears losing her family, so she can’t sleep at night and it’s making her physically ill.

This month, Donna Cobban, who was once our features editor and now residing in New Zealand, writes about her son’s food fears (see page 12). Pinpointing the real cause of a child’s fear is only the

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beginning of getting them past it. “Fear it seems, is a powerful emotion and it deserves space, time and understanding,” writes Donna.

It’s our job to model non-anxious behaviour for our children, regardless of our own fears. I know it’s easier said than done, but we should aim to raise children who have sound coping mechanisms if they are to flourish in an ever-changing, often scary world. We also need to ask for help, and learn to accept it.

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October 2013

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contents october 2013

upfront

8 pregnancy news – it’s noninvasive there is a new test for

3 a note from lisa 5 over to you readers respond

genetic fetal abnormalities with no risk to your baby. By Anél Lewis

9 best for baby – you’re not alone Tania Wener shares her

features 12 food fear Donna Cobban tells the story of her son choking and the emotional repercussions of the ordeal

14 a toddler in the wild Angus Begg and his two-year-old son, Fynn, go on safari in the Lowveld

16 midlife crazy leading a healthy lifestyle should make the middle years child’s play, says Marc de Chazal

18 divorce dilemma Gary Koen looks at the impact that divorce and an unhappy marriage can have on children

health

rollercoaster experience with reflux

10 dealing with difference Brian Hayward and Cassandra Shaw explain what the revolutionary method Floortime is all about

20 a good read for the whole family 21 what’s on in october 26 finishing touch date nights are as scarce as hen’s teeth in Anél Lewis’ home

27 resource – free for all

7 fruit with a bite Marina Zietsman looks into oral allergy syndrome

Child magazine shares a few recipes that are free from common allergens

regulars

classified ads

6 upfront with paul allowing your

25 let’s party

children to develop sophisticated palettes can cause havoc, says Paul Kerton

25 family marketplace

this month’s cover images are supplied by:

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Joburg

Cape Town

Durban

Pretoria

Jean Bourget Photo: Olivier Ribardière Jelli Children’s Boutique

Photo: CaseyBertie.com Clothing: Earthchild.co.za

Ackermans ackermans.co.za

shutterstock.com

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over to you in response to “a world of difference” My son is five years old and has Down’s syndrome. It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride simply to have him admitted to a day care, that I can’t imagine what we’ll be faced with once he is ready for school. We have heard the most ridiculous excuses as to why they [a “normal” school] cannot accept him. From “they are destructive children” to “I will have to appoint a nurse as they are not healthy children”. I found a day mother who looked after him from the age of eight months until he was four years old. Unfortunately she had to close her centre. During that time his progress was amazing. He learnt so much from his “normal” peers. After she closed we had the daunting task of finding another centre for him. No one was prepared to take the risk of having him at their school. Nonetheless, he is at a special needs school, and I appreciate that he has been accepted, but his progress is not the same.

Inclusion is the best way forward for him, but the reality is that society does not seem ready for it. I pray that people will realise that we all have our disabilities; some are just more evident. All I want for him is to be able to reach his full potential. I am worried about how other children will

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letters

Let us know what’s on your mind. Send your letters or comments to marina@childmag.co.za or PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010.

treat him if he is ever accepted into a mainstream school. I know it won’t be an easy transition for everyone involved, but I need to give him every opportunity to grow and learn and become his own person.

Thanks to the educators who go the extra mile. We all have a responsibility to shape the minds of the future.

Anonymous

the bully teacher Bullying is a very real phenomenon and in many cases takes place on the school grounds in front of teachers, who for some reason don’t regard it as serious. However, it can have profound effects on the victimised child. This child might start believing that they have “provoked” the bullying.

It can even manifest itself with teachers using bullying tactics on children. While parents need to start taking responsibility for the disciplining of their children, I just hope that complaints against the teacher are taken seriously. I grew up in a time when “the teacher was always right” and I didn’t have the courage to even tell my parents of certain actions by some teachers.

Anonymous

lack of a reading culture In response to the article “read to write” (September 2013): I know not everyone is privileged to grow up in a home where reading and books are an important part of everyday life, but I still find it shocking to see how many parents have an almost lacklustre attitude towards books.

A recent study showed that as little as 14 percent of South Africans read, and as little as one percent buy books.

One Sunday paper did a survey among their readers. The question was: when was the last time you read a book?

Fifty-four percent said that they’ve read a book in the last month and 27 percent said they didn’t read books. As the American writer and philosopher, Elbert Hubbard said: “This will never be a civilised country until we expend more money for books than we do for chewing gum.”

Carien Eksteen subscribe to our newsletter and win Our wins have moved online. Please subscribe to our newsletter and enter our weekly competitions.

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October 2013

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upfront with paul

off the menu Sometimes variety can be more trouble than it’s worth. PAUL KERTON speaks

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’m all for giving children choices in every sphere of life, but when it comes to food, if you’re not careful, you can be too lenient at too early an age, and end up making a rod for your back. I used to hate olives as a child, but my children were eating olives and Parmesan cheese before they could talk, which we thought was “oh so continental” at the time, but this can get out of control. When I was growing up, the most exotic food you could get was an orange. Today you can get any ingredient from the remotest corner of the world fresh at your local supermarket, and tastes have changed radically.

I don’t really mind what my children eat, providing it is healthy and nutritious and as long as they eat the same thing at the same time. As a parent there is a real skill in developing this taste union. Without this you can find yourself preparing 17 different versions of the same meal, spending a monumental amount of extra time and money on shopping and cooking, using

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October 2013

Saskia, Paul and Sabina

twice as much fuel, and ending up with triple the usual mountain of washing-up.

I shudder to think what it is like feeding three or more children a simple meal of bangers and mash when one is a vegetarian, and needs Quorn vegetarian sausages (but loves onion gravy), the other one prefers real sausages, but doesn’t like onions in the gravy, and the other child hates mashed potato and prefers fried potatoes that must be cut to geometric perfection in equilateral triangles and

presented as “crinkly at the edges”. Or one child likes real sausages flavoured with chilli and marmalade while the other only likes plain.

If you’re that versatile – and many of us have to be – you may as well give up parenting and go and work at Marco Pierre White’s restaurant. In fact you may as well open your own restaurant. And there’s the rub. You cannot turn the TV on these days without a foodie programme being on. The world has been food mad for a decade,

which is cool – I love food, eating it and cooking it – but you have to remember that Nigella and Jamie have an army of little helpers who do the shopping, preparing and styling. Have you ever seen either of them doing the washing-up? No, neither have I. Greater food awareness and a sophisticated palette can reach irritating proportions when you’re in the middle of cooking a simple, nutritious and above all “speedy” omelette for breakfast before school. When junior looks over your shoulder and pipes up with: “Oh, it’s so much better with a touch of Viennese herb goat’s cheese, raspberry roulade, and a smattering of capers and almonds on top with a goulash of pomme nouveau.”

“Well, thanks for that darling. I’ll remember that the next time I jet over to the Harrod’s Deli counter especially, but for now, you’ve got 10 minutes to eat this before we hit the school run.”

Follow Paul on Twitter: @fabdad1

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PHOTOGRAPH: MARIETTE BARKHUIZEN

about the complexities of having a child with a sophisticated palette.

health

fruit with a bite MARINA ZIETSMAN looks at oral allergy

a

syndrome, and finds the culprits.

bout a week ago I bit into a succulent strawberry, and sadly I won’t be able to enjoy one again. The onslaught was immediate and brutal. A quick Google search told me something I didn’t know: oral allergy syndrome (OAS).

PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

what is it?

The American Academy of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology says that this reaction occurs because the proteins found in some fruits and vegetables are very similar to those found in pollen. These proteins can confuse the immune system and cause an allergic reaction or make existing symptoms worse.

This means that should you have a pollen allergy to grass, weeds or trees, you may have an allergic reaction to foods containing similar proteins to those found in the pollen.

Prof Robin Green, a paediatric pulmonologist at the Department of Paediatrics and Child Health at the University of Pretoria and the chairman of the Allergy Society of South Africa says: “The patient has previously been exposed to the pollen allergen (protein) via the respiratory tract (the nose and lungs).

These allergens are usually called Class II allergens, because they evoke a reaction to food, but not via the gastro intestinal tract. It is also more common for OAS to occur in adults or older children.”

spot the symptoms Dr Marinda McDonald, a GP in private practice in Joburg, with a special interest in allergies, says, “This allergic phenomenon does not generally progress to give a more serious reaction.

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There are however some cases where it does cause a runny nose, itchy eyes and, very rarely, anaphylaxis (a severe generalised allergic reaction).” Other signs of existing OAS include itching mouth, palate, ears and throat; a tingling in the mouth, palate or throat; watering eyes and sneezing; swelling of the lips, mouth, tongue, face or throat (very rare); some body parts may even itch when handling the raw fruit or vegetable; existing eczema might flare up; and a sensation of the throat tightening.

managing OAS

the main offenders

“The reactions to the food normally occur in its raw (uncooked) state. Thus, once the food is cooked or processed, it can usually be eaten. Peeling the food can also help to remove the offending allergen,” says Green. He adds that it is important that you ascertain whether all or only some of the cross-reacting foods in a specific group cause a reaction for you individually; you may be able to eat some of the other fruits and vegetables in the group and so not deprive yourself of essential nutrients. McDonald says, “A healthcare professional who has knowledge of allergies can evaluate the risk of the reaction involved. A good clinical history by an experienced doctor is also advised.” Antihistamines might offer some relief, says McDonald, but in severe cases, seek medical help fast. “OAS is a lifelong burden and, at this stage, is not curable,” says Green. “It’s probably best to simply avoid foods that cause your OAS.”

If you are allergic to the following, you may develop or have OAS when eating these fruits and vegetables: Birch pollen – apple, raw potato, carrot, celery, hazelnut, pear, peach, plum and cherry Mugwort pollen – celery, apple, peanut, kiwi fruit, carrot, parsley and spices (fennel, coriander, aniseed, cumin) Ragweed pollen – melons (watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew) and banana Latex – avocado, kiwi fruit, chestnut, papaya and banana Courtesy of the World Allergy Organization *Note: In South Africa there are other pollens that can cause a reaction.

October 2013

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pregnancy news

it’s non-invasive You can now test for genetic fetal abnormalities, at no risk to your unborn baby, from as early as 10 weeks into your pregnancy. ANÉL LEWIS finds out more about cell-free DNA analysis.

i

had an uneasy second pregnancy after blood tests showed that I had a one in 50 chance of having a baby with Down’s syndrome. Despite this being my only positive result – my baby’s nuchal fold was normal and there were no other soft markers – I knew my age put me in a high-risk category. I was reluctant to have an amniocentesis as it carries a risk of miscarriage. If only I had known about cell-free DNA testing, which can be done with a Harmony Prenatal Test at The Fetal Assessment Centre in Cape Town. This new screening test poses no risk to the baby, and has a 99,5 percent detection rate.

benefits

no more tests

Although current screening tests, such as serum blood tests and ultrasounds are also non-invasive, they have false positive rates of up to five percent, or for one in 20 women. These patients may go on to have more invasive and often unnecessary tests. With the Harmony Test, the false positive rate drops to just one in 1 000 women, says Morris. But she emphasises that it is not a diagnostic test, and an abnormal result would not be enough for a patient to consider termination as an option. “You would still need to get an amniocentesis because there is a 0,5 percent chance that the baby is normal.”

Morris says the test does not replace the 12-week scan. The fetus will still be examined and if the nuchal fold exceeds 3,5mm, the mother will have the option of an amniocentesis, irrespective of the Harmony Test’s result. This is so the doctor can check for other abnormalities, such as Trisomies 18 and 13. If the Harmony result is negative and the NTS is also normal, then no further testing is necessary and the mother would return for her anomaly scan at 20 weeks.

what it is

what’s involved?

Dr Shannon Morris, The Fetal Assessment Centre’s coordinator, explains that the Harmony Prenatal Test can be done as early as 10 weeks into pregnancy and uses only the mother’s blood. Diagnostic tests, such as the chorionic villus sampling that involves testing a sample of the placenta, or an amniocentesis that tests fluid around the baby, are more invasive for the fetus. This new test isolates the baby’s DNA and can reliably detect genetic fetal abnormalities, including Down’s syndrome, says Morris. You can also find out the baby’s sex much sooner.

Blood is drawn from the mother’s arm and the sample is then flown to the Ariosa Diagnostics Laboratory in California. It takes 12 to 14 days to get the results, which means the patient knows her risk before the 12-week nuchal translucency scan (NTS), says Morris. All parents are offered genetic counselling before they decide on the test. Possible causes of a false positive result include a placenta that has not produced enough of the plasma protein A, or if the DNA of a vanishing twin with Down’s syndrome is still detectable. If the test yields no results, the centre will take another sample.

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October 2013

who qualifies?

“Anybody who wants to can be screened, but the test is perfect for older women, or those who dread having an amniocentesis,” says Morris. It can be used on singleton babies, twins, IVF pregnancies and donor ova. So far, the Cape Town centre is the only one in the country offering this screening test, although others are in negotiations with similar laboratories overseas.

the price of peace of mind As the cost of the test depends on the rand/dollar exchange rate, it does not come cheaply. Morris says it would cost R8 000, about the same as an amniocentesis, taking into account the laboratory fee. It’s currently not covered by medical aid.

magazine durban

you’re not alone

c

best for baby

TANIA WENER discusses the emotional impact of reflux.

oming home with your new baby is wonderful.

The two week honeymoon passes in a haze of swollen breasts and visitors. Things are tiring but good. Then one day the incessant high-pitched screaming begins, and you don’t know what’s hit you. Your baby refuses to drink or is feeding too much, hardly sleeping and needs to be constantly held and rocked. Your peaceful sleeping angel has been replaced with an overwhelming little person. Welcome to the world of reflux.

what is reflux?

Reflux occurs in babies when their milk flows back up their oesophagus. This is normal, lasting until they are about eight months old, and it doesn’t usually bother most babies. Dr Lauren Lee, a Cape Town GP, notes that when reflux is causing pain and discomfort it is called Gastrooesophageal Reflux Disease (GORD). Silent reflux is where the milk only comes as high as the oesophagus and does not come out of the mouth, which takes longer to diagnose and can be missed. Heredity tends to be a factor and premature babies are particularly at risk.

challenges Reflux affects every aspect of family life; it is an exhausting process that can leave you resenting your new baby, partner and life in general.

I was one of those parents, and can fully understand how challenging it can be and the strain it can put on the

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best of relationships. From the moment our daughter was born, she did not stop crying. Pulling away every time I tried to breast-feed her was frustrating and resulted in me expressing each feed. Sleep only came after hours of bouncing and holding her upright. Watching her arch her back and thrash around in agony caused a constricting pain in my heart. Those first weeks left me feeling overwhelmed and isolated. My husband began calling me “the snapping turtle” because every time I opened my mouth I sounded angry and desperate. Anxiety became my new unwanted friend. The experience took me from being a confident, independent woman and broke me down into what felt like nothingness; second guessing and hating myself.

Being misunderstood becomes one of the major isolating issues.

effects on siblings and relationships The situation became more complex with the birth of my second daughter. She arrived a year and a half after my first. She also had reflux. My eldest daughter needed me, but once again I was busy rocking her screaming sister.

Many men also report feeling isolated from their partners and children. With the mother busy feeding and calming the baby, it’s easy for fathers to feel sidelined.

Plus, the extra financial strain of doctor’s visits, medications and formulas can overwhelm and tarnish even the strongest of marriages.

getting through it Cape Town paediatrician Dr Deon Smith notes that many mothers in his practice need help for either depression or postnatal distress when dealing with reflux for an extended period. Seeing a postnatal counsellor is essential.

Surrounding yourself with a support system is also important and asking your partner to help look after your other children can help. Try to get as much sleep as you can and remember to take everything step-by-step. It will end. Eventually, it gets easier and you’re able to build your lives again.

quick tips for baby • E levate the head side of her cot, to help the milk stay down.

• Keep your baby upright for 10 minutes and burp your baby after each feed.

• If your baby is refusing to feed, try sitting on an exercise ball with them or gently rocking them while you’re feeding them.

• Let her suck a dummy.

• Keep nappies loose to avoid extra pressure over the stomach area.

• Consult a doctor about medication.

• If you are breast-feeding, alcohol, caffeine, dairy and other triggers can exacerbate the problem.

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dealing with difference

the wonders of floortime A revolutionary technique, mainly for children with developmental challenges, is finally taking root in South Africa. Brian Hayward and

a

Cassandra Shaw discuss the Floortime method.

t birth, Lucio was cortically blind. Doctors said he wouldn’t walk, his blindness couldn’t be cured, and he would unlikely live past his teens. Today, although Lucio is severely autistic, he’s a healthy, happy 13 year old with near-perfect vision. He can walk largely unassisted and is able to communicate his needs to his parents.

When he was 17 months his mother, based in Amsterdam, took him to a developmental educationalist who was using an increasingly popular technique with mentally and physically challenged children – to astounding effect. The technique is called DIR (the Developmental Individual difference Relationship-based model). It’s otherwise known as “Floortime” because it centres around interactions with the children, mostly on the floor in their preferred space. Despite the model being used in abundance in North America and Europe, the use of Floortime in South Africa is more isolated.

breakdown When American child psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan and psychologist Serena Wieder first developed the concept in the late 1980s, it sought to replace more restrictive childdevelopment techniques with one based on celebrating each child’s uniqueness and concentrating on their quality of life.

“Floortime pulls together the best of OT, psychology and speech therapy,” says occupational therapist Kerry Wallace of Polka Spot Early Intervention Centre in Cape Town.

Being built on three pillars (DIR: Developmental, Individual difference and Relationships), floortime is a client directed approach. The therapist assesses the child’s emotional stages of development, takes the child’s individual processing differences into consideration, and encourages involvement from those central in the child’s life, says Wallace.

With Floortime, children’s developmental goals are decided not by a general societal standard, but by assessing what they are capable of achieving at their level. This philosophy filters into the interaction with each child, with adults meeting them at this level. “People tend to do things to – or for – children with challenges, but what Floortime encourages is to do things with the child,” says South African-born Marius De Vos who has Master’s degrees in education and psychology and who started his own school for autistic children in Amsterdam before recently moving back to South Africa.

He also points out that historically, children with disabilities have suffered from the drive towards normalisation. “This method tries to find ways for children to connect with the rest of the world without taking them away from themselves,” he explains. “It’s not about saying, ‘You are nine years old, so you should be able to do this’. It’s about looking at the child and seeing what their next developmental step is and working towards that.

You don’t approach children in terms of what they can’t do, but in terms of what they can do. Everybody can do something. That’s what you latch onto and where you try to meet them,” he says.

“Floortime is also a coaching model”, says Wallace. It includes and teaches parents, or whoever’s in the child’s world, how to work with, understand, and better deal with their child.” Other treatments are so therapist based, and especially with young children, their parents need to be involved right from the beginning. They are often the ones that get the best response from their child anyway,” she adds. Plus, if parents are involved, the model “can work anywhere for the child, and the parents’ newly found expertise can be used from different angles,” she explains.

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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

Floortime pulls together the best of OT, psychology and speech therapy.

fitting in The model provides a roadmap for the treatment of developmental, learning and emotional challenges and diagnoses. The widespread applicability is possible because it’s based on a theory that focuses on capacities fundamental to the development of all children. It’s also a comprehensive model with a range of interventions that can be tailored to specific underlying sensory processing, motor and learning challenges as well as family and cultural factors, says Wallace. She adds that it is an approach used in dealing with children who are anxious, have attention difficulties, language delays, learning challenges, and sensory processing, Autism or Asperger’s disorders, but that it can be used for all children of all ages.

Wallace explains how they first “meet the family, work with them, find out their needs and formulate a way forward. Parents frequently bring their children in for speech therapy, due to language delays and that’s where the process usually starts. An OT will then work with them and shift them onto something else that fits their individual situation. It’s a very flexible process,” she says.

seeing South African results When De Vos returned to Port Elizabeth last year, he brought with him a physiotherapist trained in Floortime. They spent a week at the Aurora Special Needs Centre for physically and mentally challenged children, training staff in Floortime. One year later, staff members have noted significant developments in children who had previously eschewed any sort of interaction. Irma Jacobsz, a teacher at the centre for the past eight years, explains the changes in six-year-old Melanie*. “She was very into herself,” playing in front of the mirror. “For us, it was a matter of not knowing how to teach her [before being introduced to Floortime],” she says. “After 15 minutes with De Vos, Melanie was interacting with him as he mimicked her behaviour. A thick jacket, which Melanie kept on no matter what – her “second skin” – was removed with relative ease as De Vos engaged with her using the Floortime principles. “There had been no attempt to deal with what the coat meant to her,” says De Vos, “so I worked with her in ways that included the coat in our interaction. When I wanted to move her arms so we could pretend to be birds together, instead of holding her hands I pulled the coat. And so she slowly accepted me as part of the experience, and I just slowly worked the coat off her.”

This year, as teachers have continued using Floortime with children, Melanie has continued to improve. During a class sing-along, Melanie began interacting, holding up her hands to clap with the teacher – a remarkable action for a child with autistic traits, says Jacobsz. * Name has been changed

training and affiliation

resource

Co-creator of the DIR Floortime method, Serena Wieder, started the Profectum Foundation, an NGO that offers online Floortime training to professionals and parents.

Profectum has also been establishing international affiliates throughout the world and Polka Spot’s NPO, Spotlight Trust SA, is the Profectum affiliate in South Africa. Their aim is to train people and ultimately make Floortime culturally relevant in South Africa.

• A utistic-Like: Graham’s Story – a film by Erik Linthorst • Building Healthy Minds by Stanley Greenspan (1999).

• A Tale of Two Schools by Claudia Wallis (Time magazine May 2006) • The Interdisciplinary Council on Developmental and Learning Disorders (ICDL): visit icdl.com • Polka Spot Early Intervention Centre: visit polkaspot.co.za • The Profectum and Spotlight Trust: visit profectum.org and spotlight.org.za

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spotlight

food fear Helping your child overcome a traumatic event can take time. DONNA COBBAN tells the story of her son’s food scare and how they dealt with it.

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on soft white bread with honey. Bananas soon followed, as did tomato soups and pasta with melted cheese. He still scrutinised everything seriously, sifting through it to check there was nothing he might choke on. I let him take the lead and today, four months on, we are almost back to normal.

Brown toast has only recently been deemed acceptable, but he still won’t go near anything hard such as nuts or sweets, and he thinks popcorn is the absolute pits.

It was over in a second and we both slid to the floor. I breathed sweet breaths of deep relief as a sobbing, yet safe child crawled onto my lap. what the professionals say Scouring the internet for others in a similar position produced disappointing results, yet the first doctor I spoke to had a similar problem with his own child. Dr David Nye, a Cape Town-based GP, homeopath and acupuncturist, watched his then six-year-old son refuse to eat any solids after seeing his older brother choking. It took him six long weeks to come around to eating solids again. Nye’s advice is not to panic. “Try to find out what triggered the reaction and feed the child with liquid or semi-solid foods for as long as it takes to return to normal.”

Knowing now that the entire scenario was largely psychological and not physiological, I turned to a psychologist for further input. Robynne Thomson at the Sandton Psychology Centre tells me that the best way for her to make sense of my son’s behaviour is to see it within the context of trauma. “The incident of swallowing the pip and the consequent fright that your son got was obviously a traumatic experience for him and a common response to trauma is to avoid anything associated with that event.

Eating and swallowing solid food would have been an association with the traumatic event and he was obviously too fearful to do this.”

While she says she is not suggesting that my son had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), she does tell me that “if one looks at the diagnosis of PTSD one can see some similarities with the pattern of behaviour displayed, one of which involves ‘the loss of physical integrity’.

“In the case of your son,” she explains, “choking could be defined as a loss of physical integrity and your son getting a big fright could be seen as reacting with intense fear.” Thomson says that there are three symptom clusters in PTSD, one is the avoidance of traumatic reminders which she says my child was clearly displaying.

Seen within this context I realise how my initial reaction was a waste of time – thinking that my powers of persuasion were going to sway his legitimate fear was somewhat naive of me. Fear, it seems, is a powerful emotion and it deserves space, time and understanding – no matter what the trigger is and no matter how long the healing may need.

Robynne Thomson’s helpful steps • Deal with the behaviour as one would any other traumatic event.

• Acknowledge the child’s emotions of intense fear. This validates them and helps the child know that you understand them and take their emotions seriously.

• Assist the child in feeling a sense of mastery and control over the feared situation. This can be done in a variety of ways: from playing games (such as the child cooking for, and feeding their toys, siblings, animals and parents) to encouraging the child to recount the story of the traumatic event.

• Gradual introduction to the feared situation would be helpful, such as introducing soft foods and liquids and then slowly, more solid food. If one could give the child an array of food to choose from, this would also encourage a sense of mastery and control over the situation.

• Teaching the child how to manage their anxiety by getting them to relax when you can see they are getting anxious, such as breathing deeply, can also be useful.

• Role modelling non-anxious behaviour can be helpful – for example eating your food with gusto and remarking on how good and comfortable you feel while doing so.

• If the child is refusing food and liquid for longer than a day or two, seek medical advice as small children can be at risk if they become dehydrated and malnourished.

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

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he early morning sun slanted through the window, warming the kitchen. I put the kettle on and reached for a tea bag. My mom, who was visiting us at the time, handed a plum to her hungry five-year-old grandson. I was going to get egg and toast along with fruit and yoghurts onto the table as soon as the tea was made. The plum was intended to fill the gap while he waited – he has always had a voracious appetite.

Perhaps it was a mother’s instinct, why else would I turn to look at a silent child behind me, sucking quietly on a juicy plum? The pip was momentarily lodged in his throat; he looked up at me with alarm and was met with a panic-stricken mother swinging into action as I grabbed hold of him and slapped him hard between the shoulder blades. It was over in a second and we both slid to the floor. I breathed sweet breaths of deep relief as a sobbing, yet safe child crawled onto my lap.

That, I thought, was that. He made no mention of the incident, ate his breakfast and behaved normally. The next day was the same, as was the next, but then suddenly and without warning, his pattern changed and he refused to eat. Here was a child, who had until now eaten with great gusto. He devoured stems of broccoli and tucked into lentil bakes and hearty soups with great gratitude, but now he ate nothing – well almost nothing. Runny yoghurt with no floating fruit pieces was tolerated; juice and water and sometimes milk were acceptable – but nothing else. I tried begging, I tried pleading and I tried bribing – nothing worked. He was resolute in his decision to not eat anything that needed chewing and then swallowing. Not long after this he started to become anxious for those around him and on hearing anyone cough he would rush over and check if the person was alright; always wanting to know what it was that was stuck in their throat. I drew pictures to show him what happens when you swallow something.

It didn’t work. Nothing convinced him that the danger had passed. The days turned into weeks and still there was no change. After a month I gave up trying to “fix” the situation, and just let it be. I made sure he had access to as much runny yoghurt as he wanted. I offered him what I was eating, and then I just ignored it as best I could. His weight dropped, but not dramatically and he was still blessed with abundant energy.

I decided that after six weeks of this I would take him to see a doctor, but the thought did not inspire me as he was in no danger of dying and I knew there was little a doctor could do to convince him to eat. Thankfully that action never had to be taken as he eventually began to eat. At first he started

magazine durban

October 2013

13

getaway

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October 2013

a toddler in the wild

ANGUS BEGG and two-year-old Fynn go on a memorable father and son adventure in the Lowveld. by panicking Francolins and Weavers busy about their nests. Rising with the bushveld in autumn is an awesome bloody privilege – and I don’t use the word lightly.

The game-drive was leaving at 5:30am, and I’d resolved to miss it if Fynn wasn’t awake. Being so little, I know how important it is – for my own sanity as much as the other guests – that he gets his full quota of sleep. I also wanted to witness his waking to this brand new world. Thankfully David, the camp manager, had arranged a separate drive for us.

The game-drive is good. Just as the faintest drizzle begins to tickle, we spot a leopard – Ginger, our guide, and the tracker had been looking for him. Remarkably, he has four kills in a tree; three steenbok and an impala. In between dodging the drops and clutching firmly on to my inquisitive son – ensuring that he stays in the vehicle – I get the odd shot.

The average game-drive is three to four hours, and although I’ve brought along juice, rusks and a couple of apples, by the time we find our next leopard I realise that rather than hungry, he’s bored.

By now we’d found another leopard, and are well-positioned to watch a male on a kill beneath an imposing Jackalberry tree, alongside a dry riverbed. This is when Fynn decides he wants to exit the vehicle. He howls on being restrained.

I mutter serious thanks that we are alone.

Back at camp, all he wants is egg – sod the veggies, home-made bread and

crème brûlée. Usually a brilliant eater, his eating – a bit like his routine – has been all over the place. That’s travelling with children. On our way back to our hut and the anticipated nap, David asks in that exquisitely polite manner that only the English can pull off, how we’re doing.

David is a curious fish. You can tell he’s super-competent and efficient just by the way he moves – I could swear there’s a touch of Sandhurst* military in him. But at first meeting he does seem allergic to children.

He tells me (in a wonderfully candid manner) that the closest he’s been to children is his nephew, “and that’s close enough”. Which admittedly leaves me a

little on edge as to what to expect. I have a vision of spending the next 24 hours walking on egg-shells.

On our exploration of the camp after his nap, we had meanwhile found a drum in the boma – with the proverbial fireplace in the middle. Naturally it demanded to be thumped. Not entirely without rhythm, but a little noisy and possibly over-enthusiastic – I’d imagine not ideal for some guests’ idea of a bushveld breakaway. The pots in the kitchen also demanded his attention, so one of the cooks, Leeneth – who took a particular shine to Fynn – moved the drum to the kitchen.

And this is where Africa stands a world apart. My experience has shown that the local staff can’t seem to get enough of babies, toddlers and preschoolers – and Fynn is welcomed into the kitchen. The staff love him, as others have done since he visited his first lodge when aged just a tiny six months, and his ease with people first became evident.

With that in mind, I’ve given myself the luxury of a babysitter for the afternoondrive. Leeneth will be with Fynn. He’s happy when she takes over.

But it doesn’t go entirely to plan. The further out we drive, responding to sightings reported by fellow driver-guides around the Timbavati, the more guilt sets in, and I curse myself. Forget the eagle-owl or lioness and cubs, I’m missing my boy, and sharing every waking experience with him. I’m wishing I was back in camp.

Apparently the feeling wasn’t mutual.

Fynn is beaming on my return – he’d been living the social highlife in the staff village, with drums at his disposal and playing with Leeneth.

And when it wasn’t Leeneth, it was the guides – Elvis or Ginger – always showing an interest in little Fynn. That’s something many forget when travelling

Fynn insists on carrying his own bags – even today almost two years on

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPHs / ILLUSTRATIONS: Angus Begg / SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

t

he noise outside our reed-walled hut is deafening, wild and encroaching.

My two-and-a-half year-old son, Fynn, has never heard anything like it, and wraps his little arms around my leg. A short, sharp intake of breath illustrates his unease.

In his mind something horrible and large is out there beyond the thin walls of our thatched hut. And it’s getting closer.

In adult reality it is no more threatening than hundreds of Bubbling Kassina frogs, those of small body and loud voice. There must be a thousand of them outside, and the three-quarter reed wall does little to soften their song. “Frogs,” repeats Fynn after me in a conspiratorial whisper.

If you had to ask most tourists to the African bush why they go on safari, whether from Joburg or London, you would find the answer surprisingly simple.

As clichéd as it is obvious, most are seeking to replace the unforgiving pace of modern city life with a brief return to nature.

To breathe in her scents, take in her landscapes and to witness her wildlife.

While time and increasing wealth have proved there is indeed a place for raspberry jus, Indian cotton sheets spun of a gazillion threads and massage spas in the bush, they have until recently never before been part of “the bush” and the sense of escape that belongs with it. And when it comes to little ones, this is perhaps even more so, for the sounds, textures and almost otherworldliness are so much more important than aircon, sherry in the carafe and 24/7 attention to designer detail.

It is this absence of “puffery”, the adherence to bushveld basics, that distinguishes Umlani Bushcamp, one of the many lodges and self-catering camps – deep in South Africa’s Timbavati Game Reserve – from most of the bushveld pack.

And it’s at night that the difference is felt most clearly.

By design, our experience is one of complete immersion. Crickets, frogs, badgers, nightjars and owls rustle and tweet themselves awake. Without aircon and bricks ‘n mortar to seal out the bush, the imagination is left to run wild – especially when that heavy breathing of the leopard saws its way through the subconscious.

Which is pretty much what happened to us. Instead of imagining a third-person world of dry river-beds and knob-thorn acacias, my mind began plotting a hypothetical escape route, just in case the absurd took hold of the situation and the feline leapt into our (outside) bathroom.

I was wishing Fynn was awake to hear primeval at play.

But he wasn’t, and we woke to a beautiful morning, with scary frogs replaced

things to know

this simultaneously luscious and dusty continent – its capacity for human connection. It wouldn’t be what it is without its people.

Fynn is almost two years older now, at the grand old age of four and a half. In that time I have endeavoured to introduce him to a heritage he wouldn’t have on any other continent. We’ve been lucky to visit different lodges in different provinces, and more recently went camping with a crèche

Fynn loved Elias, and vice-versa.

Here he’s demanding “a drive”

magazine durban

friend and his dad (that is a tale for another time) in the Cederberg. And each time he asks more questions – as all readers of this magazine will know – starting with the ubiquitous, “Daddy, why?”. *Sandhurst – that establishment where the male offspring of the royals go to prepare themselves for their forthcoming obligatory duties, like Prince Andrew in the Falklands and his nephew Harry in Afghanistan…

He loved the boma – including the fireplace

Where The Timbavati Reserve, in Limpopo province, forms part of the Greater Kruger National Park and lies nestled between the Kruger National Park in the east, the Klaserie and Umbabat Private Nature Reserves in the north and the Thornybush Private Nature Reserve in the west. As there are no fences between the Kruger National Park and Timbavati, the reserve enjoys a wide variety of game, including the big five.

When The Timbavati gets about 550mm to 600mm of rain per annum, with the wet season occurring from November to March. Summers are hot with a maximum temperature of 38°C in the months of January to April. Because of the summer rainfall, the bush comes alive, but the thicker foliage restricts game viewing.

The best time of year to visit is winter, for better game viewing and mild day temperatures, though nights and early mornings are cold.

Famous for Timbavati is best known for its white lion population, which was discovered in the 1970s. These white coats are not because of albinism, but from a condition called “leucism”, in which the pelt is white but the eyes and skin are pigmented.

Malaria Since malaria does occur in the Timbavati region, particularly in the summer months, visitors are advised to take prophylactics (speak to your healthcare professional first). However, there are a few simple precautions for protection against mosquito bites. Apply mosquito repellent, especially around sunset, and particularly on the feet and ankles. In the evenings the arms and ankles should be covered by wearing socks and shoes and a light, cotton long-sleeve shirt. Mosquitoes are mostly active at night, so the use of mosquito repellent is essential. Mosquitoes also find it difficult to settle in a breeze, so leaving the ceiling fan on at night keeps them away.

October 2013

15

health

midlife crazy Marc de Chazal looks at the health changes of midlife and finds out it need not be a crisis if you follow a healthy lifestyle.

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ou will likely start feeling your age as you approach and enter your 40s. I know I have. I’m not sure if my hearing is declining yet (it will), but I’m straining to read the fine print on food labels, so my eyes have definitely started to weaken. Although people are staying healthy to a more advanced age, we’re all destined to experience physical, hormonal and even emotional changes as we get older.

Other than a decline in hearing and sight, as we age, we’ll also begin to experience a decrease in height, greying hair, an increase in wrinkles, a metabolism slowdown that can result in a middle-age spread, bone mass deterioration and a steady decline in strength.

Men will experience a gradual decrease in their testosterone levels, which tends to happen between the ages of 45 and 50. When this drop happens at a quicker rate, the condition is called andropause, but it doesn’t affect all men the same way that menopause affects all women. The decrease in oestrogen levels in women is what eventually ushers in menopause. These hormonal changes in both sexes can give rise to moodiness, fatigue and nervous system changes.

If we better understand what’s happening to us and what our partners may be experiencing, the health changes of midlife need not become an overwhelming crisis.

skin and bones Research shows that skin ageing is affected by our genes as well as by external factors, such as overexposure to the sun. The intrinsic ageing of our skin usually begins in our mid-twenties when collagen production slows down. We’ll eventually see the visible signs of this ageing process in the mirror, as fine wrinkles develop and our skin becomes thinner and more transparent. A decrease in oestrogen levels, which often starts long before menopause, can result in drier skin and even acne around the mouth and jawline for women. Our genes control just how quickly these signs appear for each of us.

Premature ageing, on the other hand, is something we can control. External factors that will prematurely age skin include repetitive facial expressions, gravity, sleeping positions and smoking. “Sun exposure is the biggest contributor and not only causes the visible signs of skin damage, such as age spots and deep wrinkles, but also skin cancer,” says Dr Ishaan Ramkisson, a Durban-based dermatologist. “Skin cancer is the most common cancer in South Africa, but it is highly curable with early detection and proper treatment. If you notice anything changing, growing or bleeding on your skin, consult a dermatologist immediately,” he advises. Ramkisson also stresses the importance of using a good, broad-spectrum sunscreen all year round and wearing protective clothing and wide-brimmed hats when outdoors for extended periods.

As we age, our bones shrink in size and density. “We reach our peak bone mass at around 20 years of age,” explains Dr Stanley Lipschitz, a geriatrician in private practice in Rosebank, Joburg. “In the absence of disease, we maintain bone mass and bone quality until the 40- to 45-year mark, but natural bone formation decreases from this age.”

Menopause also contributes to a decrease in bone mass, which can make post-menopausal women susceptible to osteoporosis, a disease causing bones to become porous and prone to fractures. The National Osteoporosis Foundation of South Africa (NOFSA) reports that one in three

women and one in five men will get this disease – potentially four to six million South Africans.

“Women have a lower peak bone mass than men, so bone loss is more problematic given that they may lose large amounts of bone in the first two to five years of menopause,” says Lipschitz. “Younger men and women can preserve bone by following a healthy lifestyle – a good diet with adequate calories, protein and calcium, moderate exercise, not smoking and moderate alcohol consumption. In addition, bone loss especially in later life can also be prevented by medication – calcium, vitamin D, hormone therapy, where appropriate and other bone specific agents such as bisphosphonates and strontium ranelate.”

NOFSA recommends that all women younger than 65, and anyone of any age at risk, have a fracture risk assessment done. Speak to your doctor about this.

spare tyres Men and women often struggle to maintain a healthy body weight as they age. Muscle mass naturally diminishes as we get older. If we don’t exercise enough and follow a healthy diet our body composition shifts to more fat and less muscle.

A woman’s hormonal changes in her 30s and 40s can also affect her weight. The most profound weight gain, according to the Mayo Clinic, happens in the years leading up to menopause, but is not inevitable after menopause. The reason is a combination of lifestyle factors and genetics. Excess weight gain after menopause increases the risk of high cholesterol, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and cancer, notably colon and breast cancer. Research shows that gaining as little as two kilograms at the age of 50 can increase the risk of breast cancer by 30 percent.

Men today have about 20 percent less testosterone on average than men the same age did 20 years ago. The jury is still out as to the specific reasons for this, but there is evidence that suggests weight gain and a sedentary lifestyle have an influence.

“Being overweight may result in a greater decline in a man’s testosterone, but the natural age-related decline in the hormone is not necessarily a reason for weight gain,” points out Dr Zaheer Bayat, an endocrinologist at Helen Joseph Hospital, which is attached to Wits University. “Genetic and lifestyle factors contribute to potential weight gain, so it’s important to watch what you eat and get enough exercise. A healthy lifestyle will actually boost testosterone levels, which will have many benefits, including fighting depression, improving cognitive function, increasing muscle mass and decreasing body fat, strengthening your heart and bones, and improving libido and erections,” he adds.

Ageing is inevitable, but our lifestyle clearly impacts on just how healthy we will be into advanced age.

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October 2013

The so-called midlife crisis is widely documented, but clinical psychologist and Unisa senior lecturer Dr Lesiba Baloyi says the phenomenon should be considered more of a defining moment than a crisis.

“In my experience, the psychological impact related to ageing is rather complex. It’s not a given that a man will turn 50 and suddenly adopt outof-character behaviour or rush off and have an affair,” explains Baloyi. “It does magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: shutterSTOCK.COM

critical junctures

happen, of course, that middle-aged men in particular, will try to find an alternative reality.

The more common issue I deal with in my practice is the inability of men to adapt to their life changes, or what I call the midlife developmental stage. In these cases I find that there are far deeper issues than just growing old that need to be addressed. He may be experiencing irritability and decreased energy, possibly because of a natural decrease in testosterone, but an emotional distance from his partner is the bigger issue. It’s important to explore the underlying relational or emotional reasons for this. I strongly advise that people find ways of healthy engagement with their loved ones. There is no substitute for positive conversation,” he says.

Culture can further complicate matters for those of us reaching our middle years. Baloyi says that the concept of manhood in black culture is inexplicably linked to sexuality, so a flagging libido or erectile dysfunction can create more stress for black men, sometimes resulting in clinical depression.

live long and prosper Ageing is inevitable, but our lifestyle clearly impacts on just how healthy we will be into advanced age. Okinawans in Japan seem to have got it right. They have a history of ageing

magazine durban

slowly and delaying or avoiding the chronic diseases of ageing. They boast more people over 100 years old per 100 000 people than anywhere else in the world. They also have the lowest death rates from cancer, heart disease and stroke, which are the top three killers in the US. According to the Okinawa Centenarian Study, the secret to their longevity is a combination of genetics and lifestyle factors. They eat fewer calories, resulting in a lower level of free radicals in their blood, which improves cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of cancer. They have 80 percent less risk of breast and prostate cancer and 50 percent less risk of ovarian and colon cancer. The traditional Okinawan diet is rich in complex carbohydrates and plant-based foods, and low in fat. They do drink alcohol, but in moderation. Their diet, staying physically active and leading a largely stress-free existence have made elderly Okinawans lean, youthful-looking and energetic.

We may not join the ranks of the centenarians, but all the specialists consulted recommend that we pay careful attention to our lifestyle – following a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, staying physically active, managing our stress and keeping a positive outlook.

Regular medical checkups are also advised to ensure that any potentially detrimental health changes are detected early and treated.

I’d better get my eyes tested sooner rather than later…

October 2013

17

spotlight

GARY KOEN discusses the emotional impact that a divorce or an unhappy marriage can have on your children.

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am often asked by parents who are struggling with difficult marital issues, whether it’s better to stay together and maintain the family structure for the sake of their children, or remove the tension and conflict by getting divorced. My answer in each case is that at least their thinking is on the right track.

Ultimately, the right decision will enable them to be better parents. Unfortunately when it comes to divorce, the children are the ones who get hurt the most and the only way to minimise the hurt is to make them and their interests the main priority. However, a family is not like a block of chocolate that can be easily broken up and divided. A family is one of the central pillars around which most peoples’ lives revolve. When that pillar crumbles, the levels of pain and hurt that result, make it difficult for parents to put their children’s needs first. In this respect, before deciding whether to separate or stay together, parents need to take stock of some basic truths.

These truths apply to all parents, but perhaps those parents who are caught up in the bitterness, anger, sadness and regret, so prevalent during a divorce, need special reminding.

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October 2013

responsibilities Firstly, the one thing you are truly responsible for in this life is your child; irrespective of your job, the amount of money you earn or how many people report to you. What your children do with their lives remains your responsibility. You will always be either a mother or a father and they will always be your son or daughter.

You are inextricably linked forever to whatever paths your child may choose. Be aware that at some deep undeniable level you have played a significant role in having forged that path. You cannot avoid this responsibility, because whatever action you take, it will have some significant bearing on their lives.

Children don’t choose to be born; they had no say in that decision. They are here purely as a result of a choice made by you. It is a child’s fundamental right to be looked after. It is not some favour we are doing them, nor is it a privilege that they ought to be grateful for. You are going to place enough expectations and pressures on your children as it is.

So, once parents are reminded about these basic, yet vitally important truths, they can move on and decide what to do about their marriage.

When weighing up the pros and cons of staying together or separating, the first thing parents need to do is ask themselves whether they have explored every avenue to make their relationship work. How hard have they tried to understand what caused the breakdown? Can they say that the issues between them are so deep and insoluble, that the very best situation is to separate? Parents need to dig deep and look honestly inside themselves to answer these questions. Getting divorced is a hard thing to do. Divorce is difficult on the children, and divorce will be difficult on the parents too.

Parents must be careful not to delude themselves into believing that divorce is the easier option. If one considers the amount of time, energy, effort, commitment and sacrifice that goes into getting married and creating a family (energy that’s normally positive and fuelled by hopes and dreams), they must also realise that to undo this will take an equal amount of energy, effort and time. Also, the energy which fuels divorce is generally filled with sadness, anger, fear and worry.

Once parents have reached the painful conclusion that their marriage is damaged beyond repair, the next step is to discover whether there is a way to break the marriage without breaking the family.

Divorce means the end of a marriage, but does it have to mean the end of a family?

putting on a front The option of parents staying together for the sake of their children can only be properly achieved if they are capable of maintaining the essence of what represents a family. Parents cannot stay together if they are only going to look like a family.

They also have to live as a family. Parents need to seriously ask themselves whether they can stay with a partner they loathe, and yet simultaneously present the united front necessary when raising a family. A family is a dynamic entity. It is not static or placid. It moves, grows, demands and changes. The parents who stay together for the sake of their children need to be able to move, grow and adapt; and they need to be able to do this as a unit, not as two separate individuals. Parents who stay together for the sake of their children must not pursue a separate life while maintaining the illusion of being a couple, and believe that this will still be in the best interests of their children. A home is not a 24-hour fast food restaurant where parents can freely come and go whenever they want. Neither are parents free to seek out and have their own needs met elsewhere. Open marriages rarely work, but when there are children involved, open marriages are destructive. Children may be little, but they are not stupid; and they don’t stay children for very long. Parents

need to be aware that when children are much younger, they are simply swept along by whatever maelstrom happens to be gripping their parents’ lives at the time.

When they become teenagers they tend to start digging in their heels, and so begin the confrontations.

it’s not only about you A crisis precipitated by a parent is one of the hardest things for a teenager to bear. Some crises may be unavoidable, and cannot be helped, be they a parent becoming critically ill, being involved in an accident, suffering personal trauma, or experiencing a severe financial setback. All of these crises may lead a parent to become basically ineffectual in their child’s life, which can have a very negative effect on the adolescent. However, even in these circumstances, teenagers are generally accepting and understanding of these stresses if their parents are willing to acknowledge the difficulties and to talk to them about what is going on. The simple message is that even in a crisis, it’s a parent’s job to parent and do their best to clear the space so the teenager can carry on living a full life. A parent’s willingness to engage with what’s going on in their child’s life, to own up and take responsibility for their child’s feelings and to understand whatever their children feel and say, can go a long way in resolving difficulties and protecting their relationship.

This however is very different from the parents who cause the crisis. A teenager does not need his parents to bombard his life with their breakdowns and issues. The decision to get divorced and to break up a family would certainly rank among the most disruptive events in any child’s life, but for a teenager the effect can have long-lasting effects on their relationship with both parents. Often the frustration is simply the disbelief that two competent adults were incapable of finding an alternative solution. But the frustration can deepen and intensify if they find themselves having to deal with the emotional fallout that invariably accompanies these crises.

Parents need to realise that they can’t turn to their children for emotional support in a crisis that they have caused. This is hard for teenagers who are struggling with their own lives and identities. The last thing they need is to be thrust into the role of caregiver. If a teenager’s life gets consumed by the ongoing emotional demands of their parents, it could lead the teenager into depression.

splitting sooner or later Similarly, parents who opt to stay together, despite their relationship being an empty loveless void, need to be sure that they can meet the demands of their children properly.

While they must not bombard their child’s life with their crisis, they must not fill it up with their emptiness either. Children, who magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com

decisions

grow up in homes where the atmosphere is filled with eerie detachment and chokedup bitterness, often struggle later on in life to identify and express their own feelings.

Sadly, some even express anger towards their parents for not having divorced. The charade can be more painful than the reality.

Also, parents who have managed to maintain the facade of a cohesive family until the point that there children leave home, are often shocked by the level of dismay and distress their adult children feel when they announce their divorce. While it is easier for grown up children to cope with their parents’ divorce, many still feel confused by their decision, and may even begin to question their own childhood; wondering what was real and what was a lie.

The decision to stay together for the sake of the children can only work if children are able to look back and feel that they had a good family experience, and that despite their difficulties, their parents really did love them and tried their best to offer them everything that they needed. If at a later stage of their lives they wish to separate, then it should be a choice that they are allowed to make.

magazine durban

However the same principle must apply to couples who decide to separate sooner. Often the issuing of a summons for divorce amounts to a declaration of civil war between the two parental parties, and the children become the unwilling spoils. The family, once a hallowed and shared space, becomes a battleground where the lines between “good” and “bad” become blurred as children are pushed into “choices” in which they have no say. Trying to steer a sensible path through this legal, financial and emotional morass is a hard thing to do. In 2005 the Children’s Act introduced the “best interests of the child” principle, which among other things requires the divorcing parents to come up with a comprehensive parenting plan. The parenting plan is a reminder of the rights and responsibilities that each parent will continue to exercise even after the marriage has dissolved.

It’s a working document, which evolves to the changing demands of the family.

While a parenting plan is a noble and wellintentioned concept, the law itself does not effectively possess the language to properly describe nor account for the pain

and suffering that follows the breaking up of a family. There is a gulf between what is legally sound, yet emotionally and psychologically flawed, which is why the idea of mandatory parenting classes for divorcing parents is mooted. The idea is to equip parents with an understanding of their children’s developmental stages, and to put in place plans to try and meet these needs. The primary goal is to help parents put their own hostility aside so they can focus on the needs of a family for who they are responsible. In some American states, the process is so strict and comprehensive, that until each of the divorcing parents are capable of enjoying

a family dinner without any incidents of abuse and tension, they are not permitted to get divorced. Some may also argue that a similar process should be in place before people decide to get married and have children.

The fundamental message for all parents who find themselves in this situation is that in many respects, a successful divorce takes as much, if not more, work than a successful marriage. Giving up on marriage must not mean giving up on family. While the parents’ commitment towards one another may end, the commitment to their children and family has to remain as strong and steadfast as ever.

about the author Gary Koen is a clinical psychologist in private practice with over 20 years’ experience, working mainly with adults and adolescents. He also does presentations at schools on a range of teenage-related topics. These include all the general aspects of normal adolescent development. He developed and successfully runs a course, “An introduction to adolescence”, aimed at parents. He is also working on a book that deals with the challenges facing parents and teenagers and, as a father of three, he is heavily invested in everything he says. For more information, visit garykoen.co.za

October 2013

19

books

a good read for toddlers

for preschoolers

for early graders Dogtective William Travels the World

By Elizabeth Wasserman and Chris Venter

I am an Artist

By Marta Altes (Published by Macmillan Children’s Books, R191) This is the perfect book for anyone who loves making art. Meet the boy who can’t stop creating art. He loves colours, shapes, textures, movement and everything inspires him: his socks, the contents of the fridge, even his cat gets a new coat of paint. But there’s just one problem: his mom isn’t quite so enthusiastic. In fact, she seems a little cross. But this boy has a plan to make his mom smile. He’s about to create his finest piece yet and on a very grand scale. This is a sharp, silly, fabulously funny book for children from the age of three, which shows that art is everywhere.

The Name of the Tree is Bojabi

By Piet Grobler and Dianne Hofmeyr (Published by Human & Rousseau, R145) The animals are very hungry, and then they see a tree covered in ripe fruits. But wrapped around the tree is the largest python they have ever seen. Python will only let the animals eat the fruit if they can tell him the name of the tree. Only the King of the Jungle knows, and he is far away. This is a story for children between five and seven, who enjoy silly names and rhymes. The repetitive element reinforces the idea of being on a journey and the power of the story lies in a little tortoise that offers the other animals hope.

parenting book Whatever, Mom: Body Piercings and other Power Struggles

By Dr Linda Friedland (Published by NB Publishers, R195) How can we find the resources in ourselves to get through this difficult time to bring our teens up well? This is a practical and informative guide to handling the challenges parents face when their children enter this complex phase.

Find out about how best to deal with the issues that concern you most as a parent, including communication problems, alcohol and substance abuse, teenage love and sex, bad manners, poor school performance, eating disorders, and internet and cellphones. This book is packed with commonsense from a parent who has been there herself.

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October 2013

(Published by Tafelberg Publishers, R115) Adrian is 12 years old and an only child. He spends a lot of time with his dog, William, which the family adopted from the SPCA a few years ago. But only Adrian knows William’s secret: he understands human language and he can talk. William reveals this to Adrian in the car on their very first trip home from the SPCA. But Adrian learns even more secrets about his dog in this book, the first of a series featuring Adrian and William’s adventures all over the world. Under the pretence of going on a soccer tour, Adrian and William, who is a dog detective, make arrangements to travel to Istanbul where, in true espionage-style, William’s contact awaits. From there the hunt for the villain, Scurvy Scabscratch, takes them to Venice, Paris, Amsterdam and, finally, London.

for preteens and teens Warp: The Reluctant Assassin

By Eoin Colfer (Published by Hyperion Books, R203) This is the first book in a new series for children aged nine to 12 years old. The reluctant assassin is Riley, a Victorian boy who is suddenly plucked from his own time and whisked into the 21st century, accused of murder and on the run. Riley has been pulled into the FBI’s covert W.A.R.P. operation (Witness Anonymous Relocation Program). He and young FBI agent Chevie Savano are forced to flee terrifying assassinfor-hire Albert Garrick, who pursues Riley through time and will not stop until he has hunted him down. Riley and Chevie must stay alive and stop Garrick returning to his own time with knowledge and power that could change the world forever.

for us The Little Coffee Shop of Kabul

By Deborah Rodriguez (Published by Little, Brown & Company, R125) In a little coffee shop in one of the most dangerous places on earth, five very different women come together: Sunny, the proud proprietor, who needs an ingenious plan, fast, to keep her café and customers safe; Yazmina, a young pregnant woman stolen from her remote village and now abandoned on Kabul’s violent streets; Candace, a wealthy American who has finally left her husband for her Afghan lover, the enigmatic Wakil; Isabel, a determined journalist with a secret that might keep her from the biggest story of her life; and Halajan, the 60-year-old den mother, whose long-hidden love affair breaks all the rules. As these five women discover there’s more to one another than meets the eye, they form a unique bond that will forever change their lives and the lives of many others.

magazine durban

calendar

what’s on in october

You can also access the calendar online at

childmag.co.za

Here’s your guide for what to do, where to go and who to see. Compiled by TAMLYN VINCENT

11 fri

special events

22

FUN for children

23

only for parents

24

bump, baby & tot in tow

25

how to help

25

SPECIAL EVENTS

FUN FOR CHILDREN

ONLY FOR PARENTS

bump, baby & tot in tow

how to help

Kidz Rock Children can rock to the songs of pop icons, boy bands and teen sensations.

The Glitter Girls Reunion of ‘89 Join the Glitter Girls as they relive memories of high school.

Baby Bright Stars A fun, interactive class for moms and babies to bond and spend precious time together.

Become a Dream Chaser Dedicate your sporting activities to help raise funds for children’s dreams.

magazine durban

October 2013

21

PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / www.sarahjanephotography.co.za

Big Bandana Bash Don your cowboy hat, your boots and your bandana for The Sunflower Fund’s dinner and a show.

calendar

SPECIAL EVENTS 3 thursday Durban Homemakers Expo Find a selection of decor, DIY and home improvement stands. Time: 10am–9pm, Thursday–Saturday; 10am–6pm, Sunday.

Venue: Durban Exhibition Centre, Durban CBD. Cost: adults R50, children under 12 free. Contact: 031 764 5270, dbn.expo@homemakers-sa.co.za or visit homemakersonline.co.za

19 saturday The Sunflower Fund National Bandana Day The Sunflower Fund has teamed up again with Pick n Pay and Round Table Southern Africa to sell bandanas to raise funds for the bone marrow registry.

Bandanas are available at Pick n Pay stores nationwide and Round Table Southern Africa. Cost: bandana R25. Contact: 031 266 1148, kzn@sunflowerfund.org.za or visit sunflowerfund.org.za

20 sunday

4 friday A Nite with the Legends Bollywood lovers are treated to a music and a dance spectacular, with current film hits, popular songs, golden oldies and colourful dance routines. Also 5 October. Time: 8pm. Venue: iZulu Theatre, Sibaya Casino, Umdloti. Cost: R100–R200. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

5 saturday Kidz Rock This show pays tribute to young stars, teen sensations and pop icons. Also 28 September. Time: 2pm; doors open 12:30pm. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R80. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@barnyardtheatres.co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za

9 wednesday Crow golf day Help raise funds for wildlife in distress. Time: registration 10:30am, teeoff from 10:55am. Venue: Durban Country Club. Cost: R2 000 per four-ball, includes green fees and dinner. Contact Paul: 031 462 1127 or info@crowkzn.co.za Montessori information session Time: 5:30pm–6:30pm. Venue: Ocean View Montessori School, 32 Oxford Dr, Durban North. Cost: tbc. Contact: 082 900 3192 or susanne@montessorisa.co.za New Shoots Pre-School open day The school caters for children 3–5 years old.

Time: 9am–12pm. Venue: 34 Broadwood Dr, Umhlanga. Cost: free. Contact: 031 561 1835 or newshootspreschool@gmail.com

11 friday Big Bandana Bash Don your cowboy hats, boots, jeans and sunflower bandanas, for Country Roads, featuring Lyle Buxton and Marion Loudon. Time: 6pm. Venue: Heritage Theatre, Hillcrest. Cost: R250, includes dinner and a bandana. Contact Janine: 082 336 1112 or kzn@sunflowerfund.org.za Look and Feel Good Expo Find ideas and products to help you achieve a happier, healthier lifestyle. There are a range of exhibits, demos and workshops. Ends 13 October. Time: 11am–6pm, Friday; 9am–6pm, Saturday; 9am–5pm, Sunday.

Venue: Durban Exhibition Centre, Durban CBD. Cost: adults R70, children under 12 free. Contact: 0861 115 318 or visit ifeelgood.co.za

12 saturday The Play Market This family boutique market has children’s clothes and toys, jewellery, products and services for pregnancy and more. Plus children can sell their own goods. Time: 9am–2pm. Venue:

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October 2013

SPCA Open Gardens View six open gardens in the Durban North area. Refreshments and collectables stalls are on offer. Proceeds go to the Durban and Coast SPCA. Children must be under adult supervision. Also 20 October. Time: 9am–4pm. Venue: Durban North. Cost: R50, includes entrance to the gardens. Contact Lauren: 031 579 6546 or visit spcadbn.org.za

12 sat

Giba Gorge, 110 Stockville Rd. Cost: R10 park entry. Contact Derryn: 071 307 0823 or Fiona: 072 402 6689, gotoplaymarket@ gmail.com or visit their Facebook page: facebook.com/gotoplaymarket

13 sunday Amashova Durban Classic This race offers safe cycling events. There’s a 35km family ride from Hillcrest, a 65km ride from Cato Ridge, and a 106km challenge from City Hall in Pietermaritzburg. All three finish at Durban’s People’s Park at the Moses Mabhida Stadium. Time and venues: 5:30am, from Hillcrest or Cato Ridge; 6:30am, from Pietermaritzburg. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 312 8896 or visit shova.co.za

14 monday 17th Poetry Africa Festival This is a showcase of poetry from around the world with performances, music, book launches, seminars, workshops, open-mic sessions and the Durban SlamJam, on 19 October at the BAT Centre. Ends 19 October. Time: varies. Venue: varies. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 260 1816 or visit cca.ukzn.ac.za

15 tuesday Strictly No 1s Experience six decades of chart-topping hits. Ends 5 January. Time: 8pm, Tuesday–Saturday; 2pm, Sunday.

Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway.

Cost: R150, Wednesday–Saturday, doors open 6:30pm; R115, Tuesday; R100, Sunday, doors open 12:30pm. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@barnyardtheatres. co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za The Annual White Cane Rally This walk highlights the importance of safe movement and independence for the visually impaired.

It is open to everyone, whether blind, or sighted. Booking essential. Time: 2pm–3pm.

Venue: Elangeni Hotel to uShaka Marine World. Cost: free. Contact Sasha: 031 309 4991 or academy@kznbds.org

17 thursday Photo book workshop Learn how to create photo books with Burblepix software. Time: 9am. Venue: Burblepix, 16 Ivy Rd, Pinetown. Cost: free. Contact: 073 104 1124, info@burblepix.co.za or visit burblepix.co.za Livingstone Primary School golf day Open to anyone over 18. Time: teeoff from 11:30am. Venue: Royal Durban Golf Club. Cost: R1 800 per four-ball.

Contact Lisa: 031 312 2026, marketing@ livingstoneremedial.co.za or Bronwen: 082 445 7815 or ingle@telkomsa.net Sewing, knitting and crafts workshop Shop for DIY kits and Christmas kits.

Demonstrations are held throughout the day.

Teddytech is also there. Ends 19 October.

Time: 8am–4:30pm. Venue: Champions Room, Greyville Racecourse. Cost: adults R90, children under 12 free. Contact: 031 312 7755 or info@teddytech.co.za

18 friday Talana Live History is brought to life with battle re-enactments, traditional games, heritage demonstrations, and vintage cars and motorcycles. There’s live music, historical talks and tours and military memorabilia.

See their website for a programme. Ends 20 October. Time: 6:30pm–9pm, Friday; 10am–10pm, Saturday; 5:15am–8pm, Sunday. Venue: Talana Museum, Dundee.

Cost: adults R100, scholars R25. Contact: 034 212 2654 or visit talana.co.za

16 wednesday Umoja This show tells the moving tale of indigenous South African music. Ends 20 October. Time: 8pm, Wednesday–Saturday; 3pm, Sunday. Venue: iZulu Theatre, Sibaya Casino, Umdloti. Cost: R120–R200. Book through Computicket: visit computicket.com

14–19 October – 17th Poetry Africa Festival

It’s all in the genes Wear your jeans and a sticker to show your support for national Down’s syndrome Awareness Day. Stickers are R5 and can be purchased from Down Syndrome South Africa. Contact: 0861 369 672, dssa.odo@icon.co.za or visit downsyndrome.org.za

22 tuesday Santa Shoebox drop-offs Once you’ve pledged, packed and wrapped your shoebox, drop it off at a drop point. See their website for shoebox specifications, venues, times and contact details. Ends 26 October.

Time: varies. Venue: varies, throughout KZN. Contact: info@santashoebox.co.za or visit santashoebox.co.za

25 friday Highbury’s 110th birthday ball Join them for an evening as they reflect on 110 years of existence. Enjoy performances by Aaron McIlroy and DJ Fresh. Adults only.

Time: 7pm. Venue: Highbury Preparatory School, Highbury Rd, Hillcrest. Cost: R500.

Contact Dale: 082 286 8596, bookings@ hps110.co.za or visit hps.co.za The Glitter Girls Reunion of ‘89 Skolliesville High is having their 20-year reunion. Ends 3 November. Time: 8pm, Friday and Saturday; 6:30pm, Sunday; 2pm, 3 November. Venue: Rhumbelow Theatre, Cunningham Ave, Umbilo. Cost: R100. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

26 saturday Favourite things at Talloula This is a showcase offering inspiration, shopping, hearty food, a playground for children and a beer garden. A Christmas demo takes place from 9am–10pm on Saturday. Also 27 October. Time: 9am–4pm, Saturday; 9am–2pm, Sunday. Venue: Talloula, 61 Old Main Rd, Botha’s Hill. Cost: free entry, demo R195. Contact: info@talloula.co.za or visit talloula.co.za Paintball open day Join in the action at this paintball open day. No children under 10. Time: 9am–11:30am. Venue: Boot Camp, Giba Gorge, Westmead. Cost: R150, includes gun and 250 paintballs.

Contact Anlie: 082 782 6432, info@bootcamp.co.za or visit boot-camp.co.za Toddler Sense Seminar Join Sr Ann Richardson and guest speakers for a morning of insight into the toddler years.

Topics include sensory stimulation, potty training, sleep problems, feeding tips and parenting tools. Time: 8am–1:30pm.

Venue: Durban Country Club. Cost: R295.

Contact Debbie: 031 262 4962, 082 467 8236, bookings@toddlersense.co.za or visit toddlersense.co.za magazine durban

29 tuesday Christmas Through the Home Find handmade crafts, Christmas tree decorations, tablecloths, tree skirts and wooden gifts. Refreshments available.

No children allowed. Ends 2 November.

Time: 4pm–8pm, Tuesday; 10am–6pm, Wednesday–Friday; 10am–1pm, Saturday.

Venue: 9A Highlands Rd, Pinetown. Cost: R5, opening night R20. Contact: 031 702 5811, 083 270 1901 or 083 414 4388

FUN FOR CHILDREN art, culture and science Arty Stars Art and craft lessons for children 18 months–5 years old and their moms. Time: 2:30pm–3:30pm, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Venue: Westville.

Cost: R650 per term. Contact Kelly: 083 777 4578 or babybrightstars@gmail.com KZN Science Centre A look at science in a fun, interesting way. Time: varies. Venue: upper level, Gateway. Cost: adults R30, children R35. Contact: 031 566 8040 or visit kznsc.org

classes, talks and workshops Babes in the Wood Children 1–5 years old, accompanied by an adult, learn about nature. Time: 9am–11am, every Thursday.

Venue: Steinbank Nature Reserve. Cost: donations welcome. Contact: 031 462 8642 or visit wildernesstrails.org.za

magazine durban

Children’s Yoga Time: 3:15pm, every Tuesday; 11am, every Saturday. Venue: Centre of Wellbeing, 16 Canberra Ave, Durban North. Cost: R40. Contact Angela: 076 410 1410 or angela@rautenbach.co.za French lessons Learn French through songs, games and exercises. Term starts 30 September. Time: 3:30pm–4:30pm, every Tuesday, for children 7–12 years old with a Francophone background; 3:30pm–4:30pm, every Thursday, for beginners 7–12 years old; 8:30am–9:30am, every Saturday, for children 4–7 years old. Venue: Alliance Française, 22 Sutton Crescent, Morningside. Cost: R650 per term, excluding books. Contact Denise: 031 312 9582 or afdbn@global.co.za Get ready for school programme An introduction to formal learning for Grade R learners. Time: 1:30pm, Monday–Friday; 11am, every Saturday. Venue: suite 125 Ridgeton Towers, 6 Aurora Dr, Umhlanga Ridge. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 566 1110, 082 042 2556 or tracy@kipumhlanga.co.za Meditation for children A fun programme of activities, games and meditation for children 5–10 years old. 13 October. Time: 9:30am–11am. Venue: 6 Hamilton Crescent, Gillitts. Cost: R30. Contact: 031 764 6193 or meditateinhillcrest@gmail.com

family outings Book Fair Discover hundreds of books. Time: 10am–3:30pm, 2 October; 7:30am–2pm, 3 October. Venue: Berea West Prep. Also at The

Lil’ doodlers Age-appropriate classes of 45 minutes for children with art, crafts and messy fun. Time: 2:30pm– 5:15pm, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Venue: Glenashley. Cost: varies. Contact Gwyn: 082 338 5721 or pinnfamily@yahoo.co.uk

Brown’s School, 7 and 8 October; Athlone Park Primary, 10 and 11 October; Forest View Primary, 14 and 15 October; Durban Girls College, 15 and 16 October; Hillcrest Christian Academy, 24 and 25 October and Hillcrest Primary, 28–30 October. Cost: free entry. Contact Kathy: 031 705 7744 Burnedale Café This centre has a restaurant, pottery gallery, a farmyard and an art and decor shop. Time: 9am–4:30pm, daily. Venue: Salt Rock Rd, Umhlali. Cost: varies. Contact: 032 947 1980 or visit facebook.com/burnedale

Inchanga Choo Choo Travel on a steam engine from Kloof to Inchanga.

27 October. Time: departs 8:30am and 12:30pm. Venue: Kloof Station, Old Main Rd, Kloof. Cost: adults R170, children R130. Contact Bruce: 082 353 6003, bookings@umgenisteamrailway.co.za or visit umgenisteamrailway.co.za Mr Funtubbles Fabulous Family Funfair Enjoy fun rides and games.

Time: 10am–9pm, daily. Venue: Upper level, Gateway Theatre of Shopping. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 584 6645 or visit mrfuntubbles.co.za uShaka Kids World Fun attractions, interactive experiences and edutainment are all on offer. Time: 9am–6pm, Wednesday– Sunday. Venue: uShaka Marine World. Cost: adults R15, children R55. Contact: 031 328 8000 or visit ushakamarineworld.co.za

finding nature and outdoor play 1000 Hills Bird Park See exotic birds and reptiles. Time: 8am–3:30pm, Tuesday– Sunday. Venue: 1 Clement Stott Rd, Botha’s Hill. Cost: adults R65, children under 10 R40. Contact: 072 927 8242 or visit birdpark.co.za Akimbo Kids An indoor and outdoor family coffee shop with spacious play areas for children. Time: 9am–4pm, Tuesday–Sunday. Venue: 40 Meadway Rd, Drummond. Cost: children R20. Contact: 031 783 7892 or visit akimbo.co.za

October 2013

23

calendar

French and English story time

Crocworld Conservation Centre Time: 8am–4:30pm, daily. Venue: Old Main Rd, Scottburgh. Cost: adults R60, children R40.

Contact: 039 976 1103, crocworld@cbl. co.za or visit crocworld.co.za Crow open days Tours include a visit to some of the enclosures for animals in rehabilitation, and the environmental education centre. 27 October. Time: 11am.

Venue: 15A Coedmore Rd, Yellowwood Park.

Cost: adults R25, children R10. Contact: 031 462 1127 or info@crowkzn.co.za Dangerous Creatures See local and exotic reptiles, spiders, scorpions and other creepy-crawlies. Time: 10am–5pm, daily.

Venue: Village Walk, uShaka Marine World.

Cost: R35. Contact: 031 328 8000 or visit ushakamarineworld.co.za Duck and Deck Animal Farm Children can see farmyard animals or ride a pony, while parents enjoy a cup of coffee. Time: 9:30am–4pm, Tuesday–Sunday. Venue: 3 Willow Way, Assagay. Cost: R15. Contact: 031 768 1029 or visit duckanddeck.co.za Flag Animal Farm With rescued animals, a milking show, indoor play centre, coffee shop and more. Time: daily milking show, 12pm and 3pm. Venue: Sheffield Beach.

Cost: R33 entry. Contact: 032 947 2018 The Animal Farmyard Daily milking demonstrations and the chance to bottlefeed newborn animals. Time: 9am–4:30pm, daily; milking 10:30am and 3:30pm. Venue: 3 Lello Rd, Botha’s Hill. Cost: R15 entry, R5 rides. Contact: 031 765 2240 or visit animalfarmyard.co.za Winsome View Animal Farm There is a play area as well as farm animals and pony rides. Time: 9am–3pm, Tuesday–Sunday.

Venue: Hamilton Way, Shongweni. Cost: varies. Contact: 082 892 1615 or visit winsomeview.co.za

markets Bergtheil Museum Craft Market Visit the museum and shop at the craft market.

Tea garden available. 12 October. Time:

8:30am–12pm. Venue: 16 Queens Ave, Westville. Cost: free entry. Contact Rose: 074 890 2289 or Natty: 083 657 1259 Essenwood Market Fresh food and a range of stalls. Time: 9am–2pm, every Saturday.

Venue: Essenwood Rd. Contact: 031 208 1264 or visit essenwoodmarket.com Golden Hours Family Market Fundraising initiative of Golden Hours Special School.

Time: 10am–3:30pm, every Sunday. Venue: Uitsig Rd, Durban North. Cost: free entry.

Contact Lyn: 083 262 3693 I Heart market Foodies and designers showcase their products. 5 October.

Time: 9am–2pm. Venue: Moses Mabhida Stadium. Contact: thejoyteam@gmail.com or visit iheartmarket.blogspot.com Shongweni Farmer’s and Craft Market Organic and local produce and crafts.

Time: 6:30am–10:30am, every Saturday.

Venue: cnr Kassier Rd and Alverstone Rd, Assagay. Contact: 083 777 1674 or visit shongwenimarket.co.za The food market Over 40 local food stalls.

26 October. Time: 8am–1pm. Venue: Hellenic Community Centre, Durban North. Contact: 084 505 0113, info@thefoodmarket.co.za or visit thefoodmarket.co.za The Litchi Orchard Market A covered market featuring live music and a children’s playground. 12 October. Time: 9am–2pm.

Venue: Seaforth Ave, Foxhill. Contact: 032 525 5118, info@litchiorchard.co.za or visit litchiorchard.co.za Wonder Market For a selection of food and crafts. 27 October. Time: 9am–2pm.

Venue: Chris Saunders Park, Umhlanga.

Contact: wonder@wondermarket.co.za or visit wondermarket.co.za

on stage and screen 17th Poetry Africa Festival With performances, music, workshops, school programmes and open-mic sessions. 14–19 October. Time, venues and cost: varies.

Contact: 031 260 1816 or visit cca.ukzn.ac.za Kidz Rock Pays tribute to pop icons. 28 September and 5 October. Time: 2pm, doors open 12:30pm. Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: R80. Contact: 031 566 3045 or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za Umoja Hear indigenous South African music. 16–20 October. Time: 8pm, Wednesday–Saturday; 3pm, Sunday. Venue: iZulu Theatre, Sibaya Casino, Umdloti. Cost: R120–R200. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

playtime and story time Books and Books Children’s story time 10am, every Saturday. Venue: shop 42, Kensington Square. Cost: free. Contact: 031 563 6288 or shop@booksandbooks.co.za

Strictly No 1s

15 tue

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October 2013

Chart-topping hits from the 1950s to now. 15 October– 5 January. Time: 8pm, Tuesday– Saturday; 2pm, Sunday.

Venue: The Barnyard Theatre, Gateway. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 566 3045, gateway@ barnyardtheatres.co.za or visit barnyardtheatres.co.za

Children’s story time Followed by a craft or activity for children 3–8 years old. Time: 10am, every Saturday. Venue: 26 Rockview Rd, Amanzimtoti. Cost: free. Contact: 031 903 6692 or thebookboutique@gmail.com French and English story time Children up to 8 years old listen to a story while mom and dad enjoy a cup of coffee at Café Saint Germain. Time: 3pm–4pm, every Friday. Venue: Alliance Française, 22 Sutton Crescent, Morningside. Cost: free.

Contact Denise: 031 312 9582 or afdbn@ global.co.za Jimmy Jungles An indoor playground with different play areas per age group and a restaurant area for parents.

Time: 9am–6pm, Monday–Saturday; 9am–4pm, Sunday. Venue: Perry Yamaha Building, Tetford Circle, Umhlanga. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 566 2000 or visit jimmyjungles.co.za Lucky Bean Children can play safely while parents relax in the coffee shop.

Time: 9am–4pm, Tuesday–Sunday. Venue: 10 Cadmoor Rd, Assagay. Cost: R15–R20 entry. Contact: 082 216 3892 or visit luckybean.co (no .za) Steam train rides Ride a miniature steam engine at the Durban Society of Model Engineers. 13 and 27 October.

Time: 11am–4pm. Venue: 4 Hinton Grove, Virginia. Cost: R5 per ride. Contact Gerald: 031 205 1089 or 082 569 1383

sport and physical activities DurbaKnights Ice Hockey Club Beginner ice hockey lessons. Time: 8:30am–9:30am, every Sunday. Venue: Durban Ice Rink, 81 Somtseu Rd, Durban. Cost: varies.

Contact: durbaknights@gmail.com or visit durbaknights.wordpress.com Newmarket Stables horse riding lessons There is a sand dressage arena, jumping arena and more. Time: varies, Monday–Saturday. Venue: cnr NMR Ave and Goble Rd, Stamford Hill.

Cost: varies. Contact: 031 303 1529, newmarket.stables@gmail.com or visit newmarketstables.weebly.com Taekwondo Tornados Children get exercise, develop core strength and have fun. Time and venue: from 3:30pm, every Wednesday, Westville Library; from 2pm, every Tuesday, Hillcrest Library. Cost: R130 per month. Contact: 082 876 0628 or tkdtornados@gmail.com

only for parents classes, talks and workshops e-Learner computer course Become computer literate. Time: 9am–12pm, Tuesday and Thursday. Venue: suite 124 Ridgeton Towers, 6 Aurora Dr, Umhlanga Ridge. Cost: certified course R3 120.

Contact: 031 566 1110, 074 113 8364 or umhlanga@computers4kids.co.za Pilates precision Strengthen, tone and lose weight. Preggie Pilates available by appointment. Time: 5:30pm–6:30pm, Tuesday and Thursday. Venue: The School of Modern Montessori, 9 Anthony Dr, Gillitts. Cost: four classes R280, eight classes R480. Contact: 071 183 4161 or sarahxevans@hotmail.com

Jimmy Jungles

Taekwondo for Ladies Time: 7pm–8pm, every Thursday. Venue: Westville Library.

Cost: R130 per month. Contact Sam: 082 876 0628 or tkdtornados@gmail.com Weekly meditation classes Develop a balanced attitude through meditation.

Time: 6pm–7pm, every Monday. Venue: Amanzimtoti Library, Hutchinson Rd. Cost: R30. Contact: 031 764 6193 or meditateinhillcrest@gmail.com

on stage and screen A Nite with the Legends Bollywood lovers enjoy popular songs, golden oldies and colourful dance routines. 4 and 5 October.

Time: 8pm. Venue: iZulu Theatre, Sibaya Casino, Umdloti. Cost: R100–R200. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com The Glitter Girls Reunion of ‘89 They are reliving their greatest triumphs and heartbreaks at their 20-year reunion.

25 October–3 November. Time: 8pm, Friday–Saturday; 6:30pm, Sunday; 2pm, 3 November. Venue: Rhumbelow Theatre, Cunningham Ave, Umbilo. Cost: R100.

Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

out and about Mystery Ghost Bus Take a tour of ghostly destinations around Durban, with pub stops along the way. 31 October. Time: 7pm. Venue: departs Causerie Bar, Edward Hotel, Marine Parade. Cost: R299. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

support groups Born Sleeping Parents bereaved by stillbirths, miscarriages or neonatal death share experiences. Contact: 084 524 1541/2, bornsleeping@gmail.com or visit their Facebook page: Born Sleeping ZA Choc – Childhood Cancer Foundation KZN For support and more info, contact: 086 111 2182, dbn@choc.org.za or visit choc.org.za Durban Autism Support Group For mothers of children with ASD. Informal coffee mornings are held four times a year.

Contact Di: 083 443 8385 or dimaitland@ tiscali.co.za Famsa Offers family and relationship counselling. Contact: 031 202 8987 or visit 30 Bulwer Rd, Glenwood Hi Hopes Home intervention programme for children who are deaf or hard of hearing.

Contact: 082 897 1632, dianne.goring@ hihopes.co.za or visit hihopes.co.za magazine durban

Sadag For those suffering from depression or drug abuse or who may be suicidal. For referral to a support group: visit sadag.org Speak Easy Support group for those who stutter. Contact Imraan: 082 786 3718 or visit speakeasy.org.za

bump, baby & Tot in tow

classes, talks and workshops Edubabe Childminder training, first-aid workshops and cooking classes. Time: varies. Venue: Glenwood. Cost: varies.

Contact Kate: 071 968 1007 or durban@ edubabe.co.za Holistic Babycare classes Couples learn about conscious parenting. Topics include health, immunity, gadgets, and more.

5 and 6 October. Time: 9am–1pm. Venue: Westville. Cost: R750. Contact Melissa: 082 601 4108 or melissa@organicbirth.co.za Prenatal yoga Blissful Bellies offers pregnancy classes. Time and venue: 4pm–5pm, Tuesday, Bodyology, Hillcrest; 8am–9am, Friday, Wirikuta, Assagay.

Cost: four classes R220. Contact: 083 560 5390, isabel@blissfulbellies.co.zaor visit blissfulbellies.co.za Preggi Bellies fitness classes Designed for all levels of fitness. Time: 5:30pm–6:30pm, every Tuesday and Thursday. Venue: Umhlanga Muscle and Fitness Xpress. Cost: R80 per class. Contact: 073 162 3710, 0860 723 559, latascha@ baby2be.co.za or visit preggibellies.co.za Pregnancy yoga Time: 3:45pm, every Wednesday; 9:30am, every Saturday.

Venue: Centre for Wellbeing, 16 Canberra Ave, Durban North. Cost: R50. Contact Angela: 076 410 1410 or angela@ rautenbach.co.za Stroller training for moms For moms with babies 6 weeks–3 years old. Time: 9:30am–10:30am, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Venue: Mitchell Park, Morningside.

Cost: R450–R500. Contact: bronwyn@ fit4health.co.za or visit fit4health.co.za The First 12 Months A fun, informative workshop with sensory motor activities, by an occupational therapist. Time: 9am–12pm, every Saturday. Venue: Highbury Prep School, Highbury Rd, Hillcrest. Cost: R395. Contact Jeanne: 082 327 1244 or jeanneb@mweb.co.za Toddler Sense Seminar Join Sr Ann Richardson and guest speakers for a morning of insight into the toddler years.

26 October. Time: 8am–1:30pm. Venue: Durban Country Club. Cost: R295. Contact Debbie: 031 262 4962, 082 467 8236, bookings@toddlersense.co.za or visit toddlersense.co.za

Little Me moms and toddlers workshops These 90-minute fun, educational workshops are for toddlers 1–3½ years old, and moms. Time: varies.

Venue: Sunningdale. Cost: R75 per session.

Contact Eleanor: 084 821 6668 or visit littleme.yolasite.com Moms and Babes and Moms and Tots workshops Programmes stimulate, develop skills and promote bonding. Venues: Amanzimtoti, Ballito, Berea, Durban North, Umhlanga and Westville. Cost: varies. For more info: visit momsandbabes.co.za or momsandtots.co.za Toptots Children 8 weeks–4 years old learn and play. Time: varies. Venues: Durban North, Ballito, Glenwood, Kloof, Hillcrest, Westville and Hilton. Cost: varies. Contact: 031 266 4910, 082 876 7791, info@toptots. co.za or visit toptots.co.za

For more help planning your child’s party visit

childmag.co.za/

resources/birthday-parties

support groups La Leche Worldwide breast-feeding support organisation. Contact Jane: 031 309 1801 or visit llli.org/southafrica Mothers 2 Baby For new and experienced moms who are finding motherhood challenging. Time: 10am–11:30am, every third Thursday of the month. Venue: Hillcrest Private Hospital, Kassier Rd. Cost: free. Contact Hayley: 078 640 7949 Post Natal Depression Support Association of South Africa Call the national helpline: 082 882 0072 or visit pndsa.co.za

how to help 2014 Cesar’s Way Hero Calendar The calendar features 12 rescued dogs.

It costs R120, and proceeds go towards animal welfare beneficiaries. For more info, contact: claudia@cesarsway.co.za or visit caninezone.co.za Become a Dream Chaser This is for anyone who wants to use their ambition to make dreams come true for children with life-threatening illnesses. If you’re running the Comrades, or undertaking any challenge, use it as an opportunity to help these children. For more info, contact: 031 566 2220, prkzn@reachforadream.org.za or visit dreamchasers.co.za PINC Projects This skills-development programme trains adults to make bags, jewellery, cushions and more. They need craft items, such as paints, thread, scissors, crayons, soldering irons, sewing machines, canvasses and frames. Drop off items at Grace Family Church, Umhlanga, or contact Lisa: 073 953 6771 or lisa@pinc.org.za

playtime and story time

don’t miss out!

Baby Bright Stars Interactive classes for moms and babies. Time: varies. Venue: Westville. Cost: R750. Contact Kelly: 083 777 4578, babybrightstars@gmail.com or visit babybrightstars.co.za Clamber Club Movement and stimulation classes for children 1–4 years old. Time: varies. Venues: Ballito, Hillcrest and Kloof.

Cost: varies. Contact Ballito: 076 222 2946, Hillcrest: 084 577 7630 or Kloof: 083 259 2746 or visit clamberclub.com

For a free listing, email your event to durban@childmag.co.za or fax it to 031 207 3429.

Information must be received by 4 October for the November issue, and must include all relevant details. No guarantee can be given that it will be published. To post an event online, visit childmag.co.za

magazine durban

it’s party time

family marketplace

October 2013

25

finishing touch

make a date!

Despite the difficulties of taking a night off, ANÉL LEWIS knows the

a

Erin, Anél and Conor

n email popped into my inbox recently, informing me that “research shows that dating once a month significantly improves relationships”. It goes on to say that 92 percent of couples who make the elusive “date night” a priority have increased satisfaction in their relationships.

26

October 2013

With two small children under the age of three, our version of a date night is if we both manage to stay awake during an episode of MasterChef. Organising someone to watch the children and finding a night where one of us isn’t working late, takes about as much organisation and manoeuvring as one of Jacob Zuma’s cabinet reshuffles.

But it’s not only the synching of our online diaries that makes date night a bit of a pipe dream, it’s also the subtle mind games that Erin plays to make sure we don’t plan an escape sometime between her bath- and bedtime. She has gotten wise to our tricks and can sniff a date night a mile off. If she notices that I have not removed my shoes after coming home, she will quickly tell me, “You’re not going out, Mom. You’re here now.” Suddenly there’s 101 things I have to paint, read, see and do with her before I can ever leave the house again.

So we used to lie and say that we were going shopping. Erin bought it, for the first few times. But when we started forgetting to bring her something back from “the shops” she realised what we were up to, and now she insists on coming with us.

With our hopes of some alone time dashed, Craig and I started losing track of each other in the hurly-burly of supper, school runs and story times before bed.

Remember how a poster of the singer from that Norwegian boy band of the eighties, A-ha, could get your pulse racing? Well, trapped in the Groundhog Day of domesticity, all it took was for Craig to change a nappy, or offer to make Conor’s bottle, to get my heart beating.

I was okay with this diluted, rather tame version of romance. I mean, we’d had our wine and cheese picnics in the vineyards when we were still footloose and fancy-

free. Who said trying to make eye contact while our toddlers unravelled three rolls of toilet paper at our feet couldn’t be sexy?

And then that email arrived, reminding me that date night is not a “nice-to-have”, but a must-have to help us keep the flame flickering, and to make us nicer people again when we come home after “shopping”.

So now we make a concerted effort to set aside some time just for us. We’ve just given up on the elusive date night by settling for date anything – date mornings, date lunch breaks, even date five minutes.

Satisfaction guaranteed!

Anél Lewis can’t remember when she finished a plate of food, never mind ordered off a menu while out with her husband.

She’s accepted that the “date night” is as elusive as the yeti, and has settled for staring longingly into her spouse’s eyes, while the children eat their noodles.

magazine durban

PHOTOGRAPH: STEPHANIE VELDMAN

importance of spending a few special moments with her husband.

resource

free for all For those who can’t eat certain things, and those who can eat most things, there’s a recipe here for you.

Many children and adults are unable to eat certain foods for whatever reasons. They may be diabetic, wheat intolerant or need to avoid dairy. Child magazine puts together some tasty treats that are either wheat-, gluten-, dairy- or sugar-free or vegan.

muesli ingredients • 250g gluten-free oats • 200g mixed nuts (almonds, walnuts, Brazil nuts, cashews and macadamia nuts) • 75g mixed seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, sesame and flax) • 2 tsp ground cinnamon • 175g dried fruit (goji berries, cranberries and raisins) • 5 tbsp runny honey • 4 tbsp olive oil method 1 Preheat the oven to 180°C. Put the dry ingredients (including the cinnamon, but not the dried fruit) on a baking tray, drizzle with honey and olive oil, coat well and spread out.

2 Place the tray in the oven for 25–30 minutes, mixing every 10 minutes or so, until the entire mix is golden brown.

3 Remove from the oven, mix in the dried fruit and let it cool down.

4 Once cooled, serve with milk or your favourite yoghurt.

rice paper wraps take a handful of: • sprouts • red and orange peppers • grated carrots • shredded spinach • micro leaves • plus two avos, sliced dip • juice of 2 lemons

• • • •

tip: This recipe is gluten-free, sugar-free and wheat-free. Gluten-free oats can be found at health stores. Serve the muesli with fruit salad and fruit juice for a dairy free option.

2 Roll as you would a pancake

1 tsp xylitol 1 tsp grated ginger water dash of chilli

method 1 Lay the wrap flat like a pancake.

Place about half a cup of the mixture on the wrap, just below the centre, and add two strips of avo per wrap.

until you get halfway, then fold the outer sides in and continue rolling.

3 Keep each wrap separate with cling wrap or grease proof paper.

Put all in a sealable dish in the fridge for about half an hour before serving.

4 When serving, cut each wrap in half at an angle.

lemon freeze

choc chip cookies

ingredients

ingredients

• 1 tin condensed milk

• 50g butter

• 250ml cream, whipped until stiff

• 60g castor sugar

• juice of 2 lemons

• 60g brown treacle sugar

• 1 box of gluten free chocolate chip biscuits, crushed to crumbs

• 1 large egg

• knob of butter, melted

• 1 tsp vanilla essence

tip:

This is a vegan

recipe that is also sugar-, wheat- and dairy-free. You can mix and match the ingredients as well, adding in

foods

to

suit

your

taste, while ensuring you get everything from your essential food groups.

• 150g gluten-free cake flour method

• 1 tsp baking powder

1 M ix the melted butter and crushed biscuits together and place in a pie dish, to

• 100g dark choc chips

form a biscuit base. Put this in the freezer to solidify.

2 In a bowl, mix the lemon juice with the condensed milk. Slowly stir the whipped cream into the condensed milk mixture.

3 Pour the mixture over the biscuit base. Cover and return to the freezer. Keep this in the freezer and take out whenever you want a slice.

tip:

PHOTOGRAPHS: shutterstock.com / NIKKI-LEIGH PIPER

This is a gluten-free recipe. For the gluten-free biscuits, check the health foods section of your supermarket where they sell the rice flour, diabetic sweets and other specialised products.

method

1 Preheat the oven to 180°C. 2 Beat together the butter, vanilla essence, sugar and egg.

3 Add the flour and baking powder and beat again.

4 Stir in the choc chips and mix well.

5 Place tablespoons of the mixture onto a lined baking tray and bake for 12–15 minutes.

tip:

This recipe is gluten-free. Replace the sugar with a substitute such as stevia or xylitol and the choc chips with diabetic chocolate, chopped into smaller pieces, for a sugarfree version.

healthy recipes at your fingertips • G reen Market Baking Book by Laura C Martin – A collection of baking recipes that only use sugar substitutes, while also suggesting vegan, dairy- and glutenfree recipes.

• Herbivoracious by Michael Natkin – This vegetarian cookbook offers creative meals that provide the essential proteins and nutrients. Plus there are vegan and gluten-free recipes.

• Vegan Cooking for Carnivores by Roberto Martin – Healthy, easy and accessible vegan meals.

• Find vegan, vegetarian, gluten- and dairy-free recipes on the Jamie Oliver website: jamieoliver.com/recipes/category/special-diet