Child Magazine | Joburg November 2009

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JOBURG’s

November 2009 Issue 48 Circulation 39 849

JOHANNESBURG’s

be s t

gu i d e

f or

p aren t s

www.childmag.co.za

little mozarts

in the making

the internet keeping children safe online

homework

for or against?

toddlers &

scenes

from a mall why it’s heaven on earth for your teenager

teenagers

family dynamics

health

education

entertainment

The sole purpose of our magazine is to make your life easier and happier...

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If you are happy and sorted, we know your children will be too, and so the happiness grows…

We strive to offer support and solutions lia to your health, education and entertainment n, Lis aa dilemmas because, let’s face it, parenting is not nd Roby n for the faint-hearted! And the last thing you want to read in a mag is doom and gloom. Most of us are just trying our best – trying to be the best parent and partner … sometimes we win; sometimes we lose but through it all, we need support. I have found mothers to be the best and sadly the worst when it comes to support. Thankfully, I have a couple of amazing friends I can call up at the last minute to help with homework issues, lifts, sleepovers, bandannas or a packet of seeds we forgot to add to the shopping basket and need to hand in this morning!

For me, it’s all about what brings us together and that is the focus of our Toddlers and Teenagers issue, no matter what your children’s age gap.

On page 14, we look at the positive role step-parents can play in pulling a family together and, no, love just ain’t enough! On page 26, we explore the notion of raising assertive children. Children will have to learn to negotiate, reason and question situations if they are to cope in today’s competitive and often aggressive world. And that brings me to our feature on music on page 36 − I firmly believe that music is one of two things able to unite us no matter where we’ve come from or where we are going; the other is humour and that’s why we love Paul and Sam’s columns so much (thanks guys!).

Only 60 days to Christmas, so let’s love November!

Hunter House P U B L IS H I N G

Publisher Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Editorial Managing Editor Marina Zietsman • marina@childmag.co.za

monthly circulation Cape Town’s ChildTM 40 103 Joburg’s ChildTM 39 849 Durban’s ChildTM 35 154

Acting Features Editor Donna Cobban • features@childmag.co.za

to advertise

Calendar Editor Chareen Penderis • joburg@childmag.co.za

Tel: 011 807 6449 • Fax: 011 234 4971 Email: jhbsales@childmag.co.za Website: childmag.co.za

Editorial Assistant Lucille Kemp • lucille@childmag.co.za Copy Editors Nikki Benatar Debbie Hathway

Art Senior Designer Samantha Summerfield • sam@childmag.co.za Designers Mariette Cowley Nikki-leigh Piper

Advertising Director Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za

Client Relations

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Free requested July 09 - October 09

Client Relations Manager Michele Jones • michele@childmag.co.za Client Relations Consultants Renee Bruning • renee@childmag.co.za Natasia Cook • natasia@childmag.co.za

To Subscribe Helen Xavier • subs@childmag.co.za

Accounts Helen Xavier • helen@childmag.co.za Nicolene Baldy • admin@childmag.co.za Tel: 021 465 6093 • Fax: 021 462 2680

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Joburg’s ChildTM is published monthly by Hunter House Publishing, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010. Office address: Unit 5, First Floor, Bentley Office Park, cnr.

Rivonia and Wessel Rd, Rivonia. Tel: 011 807 6449, fax: 011 234 4971, email: joburg@childmag.co.za.

Annual subscriptions (for 11 issues) cost R165, including VAT and postage inside SA. Printed by Paarl Web. Copyright subsists in all work published in Joburg’s ChildTM. We welcome submissions but retain the unrestricted right to change any received copy. We are under no obligation to return unsolicited copy. The magazine, or part thereof, may not be reproduced or adapted without the prior written permission of the publisher. We take care to ensure our articles are accurate and balanced but cannot accept responsibility for loss or damage that may arise from reading them.

November 2009

contents

november 2009

upfront 3 a note from lisa

36

6 over to you readers respond 8 readers’ blog you don’t need to break the bank when buying the teacher a gift

features

40 wooed by the west coast Maggie Mouton found some family friendly spots right on Cape Town’s doorstep

regulars

14 the other parent being a step-parent is not for the selfish or those prone to jealousy, says Brigid Brown

9 health Q&A tips on how to prevent dehydration in your baby and toddler

18 it’s a mall world the mall is a second home to your teenager. Laura Twiggs gives advice

10 wins 11 health Q&A get rid of nasty mouth ulcers

22 safe to surf?

Donna Cobban explains how to protect your children on the Net 26 stand up, speak up!

Tracy Ellis looks at ways to encourage assertive behaviour in children 30 ADHD Donna Cobban shares some reallife stories of families who live with this disorder 34 the homework debate Claire Marketos and Lucille Kemp offer opposing views on whether your child should be given homework 36 the sound of music when is the best time to expose your child to the rigours of music lessons?

Heather Brookes investigates

12 upfront with paul what to do when your 10-year-old demands a cell phone?, asks Paul Kerton 44 the good book guide great new reads for the entire family 48 what’s on in november 58 last laugh the Discovery Channel taught Sam Wilson’s children more about nature than she ever could

classified ads 54 it’s party time 58 family marketplace

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this month’s cover images are supplied by:

November 2009

Okaidi (Hyde Park, Joburg)

JK Kids Gear

Okaidi (Hyde Park, Joburg)

Contact: 011 325 4674

Contact: 021 551 8673

Contact: 011 325 4674

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November 2009

letters

over to you when thieving becomes pathological I was shocked that Child Magazine did not notice that the above-mentioned article by Donna Cobban contained serious derogative comments. The author writes the following and I quote “Some years ago, as a primary school teacher in Harare, Zimbabwe, I taught a class of economically marginalised misfits…”

This statement is really shocking as it reveals the author’s attitude towards children.

My question is: if the children are economically marginalised, is it their fault? Does this make them “misfits”? In my experience I have seen thousands of poor children rising out of poverty and playing important roles in society. This article shows me quite clearly that there are many teachers that should never teach as they are not willing to learn from those that they are teaching.

Heinz Hiestermann

Donna Cobban responds I am sorry you took offence to this term. I think within the context of the article, the expression is not derogatory. The term economically marginalised refers to those that have been marginalised on an economic level by society (not through any fault of their own). The word “misfits” was used to describe the fact that they were a group of children who did not “fit” in with the rest of the school – within the context of the article I had hoped this would be apparent. I apologise if you did not find this to be the case. I wholeheartedly agree with you that being born into poverty does not prevent you from playing an important role in society – something I encouraged in every one of those children, many of whom have gone on to achieve great things despite the difficulties of their upbringing. I hope that I have gone some small way towards restoring your perception of the magazine and perhaps altered your view on the kind of teacher you imagine I once was.

Donna Cobban

November 2009

thanks!

We want to say thank you for a memorable day. We all had a fantastic time and were taken care of beyond our expectations at the Avis South African Derby. My daughter Cammy thoroughly enjoyed watching the various shows and as exhausting as it was explaining every last detail to her, it was really a truly remarkable day spent with my daughter. I was so proud of her excellent behaviour. The guests I invited along, my God parents and an old friend of mine that was a show jumper, also had rave reviews. A special day that we will never forget and will definitely attend next year.

Thank you to Joburg’s Child Magazine and Avis for the opportunity, not only to attend the derby, but to experience it in true style!

Dsiona Theron (Winner of the Avis competition, Joburg’s Child October 2009) Thank you for featuring the needs of Kids Haven as part of the resource “help needed!” in the September issue of Child Magazine. We are particularly grateful that you emphasised that members of the public should not give money to children on the streets. This is extremely important since it prevents the shelters from reaching the children because they are able to sustain themselves on the streets.

What the children don’t realise at first is that life on the streets is dangerous and will result in further exploitation, involvement in more serious criminal activities and can be life threatening. In a shelter, children have all their needs taken care of, are supported in education and we trace the family or alternative home for the children so that they can successfully reintegrate into their community. Thank you for ‘putting us out there’ so that our children may benefit.

Susan Daly

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narconon not what it seems In the September issue of Child Magazine, you provide the readers with contact details for Narcotics Anonymous and Narconon, among others, in the “horrible habits” article. I would just like to alert you to the fact that Narconon is a front for the Church of Scientology and not a bona fide organisation. They use the vulnerability of addicts and their families to lure them into their movement. Additionally, their treatment of drug addiction is at best suspect and at worst dangerous. When contacted, Narconon usually attempts to deflect any suspicions that they are a front for Scientology.

Felipe Montoya

narconon responds The latest report by the South African Community Epidemiology Network on Drug Use (SACENDU) has estimated that over 15% of the South African population has a drug problem, which makes this statistic one of the highest worldwide.

Narconon is possibly the largest global structure that is doing something about the drug problem and was started by William Benitez, an inmate of Arizona State Prison in 1966. As a structure we are very fortunate to be able to use the technology that was developed by humanitarian L Ron Hubbard, which is used by governments and religions all around the world.

It is my understanding that one needs to follow one’s own truth, but ultimately you need to become part of a solution in the fight against substance abuse.

Narconon has an effective drug rehabilitation programme and its success should be the only basis upon which it is measured or judged. And given its success, it has more than proved its bona fide status and has a vital role to play in this field.

Paul Kruger Narconon Johannesburg

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school admissions I would like to respond to the letter in the October issue “school admissions nightmare”.

1. One has to live in the feeder area of the relevant school in order to be placed on an “A” list. If one lives out of the feeder area, one is placed on the “B” waiting list.

2. Children residing outside the feeder area were either living in the feeder area when application was made, or the school had enough spaces to accept children from the “B” list in order to fill the spaces.

3. Children who live in the feeder area are only turned away if the Grade has already been declared full by the relevant Department of Education.

4. Schools can ask for any form of proof of residence, i.e. metro services account or lease agreement. A renter is a bona fide resident of a feeder area.

5. Race has nothing to do with enrolments.

6. Where a parent works has nothing to do with enrolments, even if it is in the feeder area.

7. Moving is a strong option in order to place one’s child in the school of one’s choice.

8. Applications for Grade 1 are made between July and September of the year before, i.e. the year the child turns six.

9. There are quite a few schools where the principal does not interview the prospective parents or learners.

Hope this will help the parent.

Gauteng primary school sectretary

November 2009

blog

the art of giving DREW BRIGHT believes teachers don’t judge their pupils

uying the perfect gift for the person-who-has-itall is very frustrating. Buying the right gift for your child’s teacher at the end of the year is sometimes downright impossible. What used to be a simple gesture of gratitude has turned into a contest – a competition among parents to see who can impress the teacher the most. As a parent I do not comply with conspicuous gift giving, but I’ve completely missed the boat so many times, that I’ve run out of ideas.

My daughter’s then-Grade 2 teacher used to be one of those plump, jolly people. Let’s call her Miss Brady. Miss Brady was always smiling; always ready to give hugs and share jokes. She enjoyed nothing more than a good tea party with loads of treats on offer. At the end of her year in Miss Brady’s class, my daughter proudly covered the box of Swiss chocolates in recycled newspaper, colourfully decorated with splashes of paint and glitter she applied

November 2009

herself. Two days later, I ran into Miss Brady at gym.

She’d been on a strict diet for two weeks, and had started working out (Good on you, Miss Brady!). I could only hope that in a moment of weakness, she at least savoured the chocolates before tackling her new fitness regime.

My happy-go-lucky sports-mad son has never been one who wanted to impress teachers. A bottle of water as a year-end gift for a teacher will do just as well as far as he is concerned. One year my son actually showed some interest and helped pick out a gift for his favourite teacher. I covered the new range of earth-friendly, heavenly-smelling body pamper treats in very pretty pink paper and he excitedly shoved the parcel into his gym bag like a pair of old socks and hopped off to school. A less than devil-may-care little boy returned home that afternoon. What transpired was the following: before school one rich little monster brandished his gift to the class – a R1 500 gift voucher to a luxury spa!

My son might be a world-class athlete in the making, but he is not stupid. When he returned home somewhat shell-shocked and I asked what was wrong, he feebly asked me how much the gift he gave his teacher had cost.

What I would like to know is: is this the norm? Are we

really compelled to break the bank when buying the teacher a gift? Do parents compare their gifts before giving to make sure they’re on par? Do parents realise that they are competing among themselves?

I asked some colleagues and friends what they do to show thanks to their children’s teachers at the end of the year. To my relief these moms understood the motivation behind giving the teacher a gift. One mom makes homemade chocolate fudge with her children. For them giving a gift they’ve helped create is far more special than a mysterious white envelope with a voucher in it. Another mom prefers to give the teacher something practical, like a wall chart that she could use in the classroom.

I believe that most teachers do not judge learners by the value of the gifts they proudly hand over at the end of the year. It is the child who suffers when the parents set a standard of “my gift is bigger than yours”.

Readers, this is your page – it’s a space to air your views, share a valuable parenting lesson, vent your frustrations or celebrate your joys. Send your writing to marina@childmag.co.za

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by the value of the gifts they hand over at the end of the year.

QA

health & drink up!

What are the signs of dehydration in infants and children?

PHOTOGRAPH: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

• • • • •

• Sunken fontanelle (soft areas on an infant’s skull, covered by membrane) • crying without tears a dry mouth and tongue a dry nappy for three hours or more fever irritability skin doesn’t flatten when pinched and released.

What are the causes of dehydration?

The most common cause of dehydration in babies and children is diarrhoea and vomiting associated with certain types of viruses or infections. Rotavirus is a type of intestinal illness that mostly affects children under the age of five and can lead to severe dehydration due to watery diarrhoea. In rare cases, excess sweating due to high-temperature conditions may also lead to dehydration in children. If your child is suffering from diarrhoea or vomiting, it is very important to prevent dehydration and the loss of electrolytes. Infants and small children are much more likely to become dehydrated than older children or adults because, relatively speaking, they can lose more fluid quickly.

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How do you treat dehydration?

The first step is to give your child fluids that contain electrolytes, which will bring your child’s body back into balance. Plain water, juice and fizzy drinks are not good for treating dehydration. The salt content of water is too low, while cool drinks and juices have a high sugar content and ingredients that irritate the digestive tract.

How can dehydration be prevented?

Dehydration is most common when children are losing more fluids (through vomiting or diarrhoea) than they are taking in. If you are able to get them to drink enough fluids (even very small amounts during diarrhoea or vomiting), you can often prevent dehydration. If you give your child too much to drink too quickly, it usually leads to more vomiting. Children should also be encouraged to drink before they feel thirsty, because mild dehydration occurs before thirst sets in.

When should I contact a doctor?

Contact your doctor, pharmacist, local clinic or hospital if your baby cannot take fluid by mouth, is becoming weaker and noticeably dehydrated, or if severe diarrhoea continues for 12 hours or more.

November 2009

wins

giveaways

in november Cool in Keedo

Spoil your baby with Nestum Your baby’s introduction to a whole new world of solid food starts with Nestum.

Nestum is a great way for your little one to experience taste, texture and nutrition in a fresh way, building a positive relationship with food for a lifetime of healthy eating.

Nestum is the only cereal for your baby that becomes a complete meal as soon as you add baby’s milk. With Nestum, you can introduce and enhance the nutritional value of many food types and dishes by adding a bit of Nestum to it. You can spoil your child with a gift pack from Nestum that includes bath toys in a pouch, a hooded towel, a shape sorter nursery gift pack and Nestum products.

Nestum is giving away three of these exclusive gift packs, valued at R1 200 each.

To enter, email your details to win@childmag.co.za with ‘Nestum Win’ in the subject line, or post your entry to Nestum Win, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010 before 30 November 2009. Only one entry per reader.

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As an established global brand, Keedo has been bringing fun, colour, style and comfort to thousands of children around the world since 1993. Keedo’s range is fully designed and manufactured in South Africa and unique designs epitomise quality and style. Inspired by nature, Keedo’s focus is – and always will be – respect for the environment and care for the planet.

Find a Keedo store near you: Hyde Park: 011 325 5095; Fourways: 011 465 9316 and Keedo @ Home: 082 923 7509, or visit keedo.com.

One lucky reader will win a Keedo voucher to the value of R500 to spend in store or at Keedo’s online e-store. To enter, email your details to win@childmag.co.za with ‘Keedo JHB Win’ in the subject line, or post your entry to Keedo JHB Win, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010 before 30 November 2009. Only one entry per reader.

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QA

health &

mouth ulcers What is a mouth ulcer?

Mouth ulcers are little sores that have a whitish-yellow appearance. They are found on the inside of the cheeks and can appear singly or in crops. At some time in their lives, more than 10% of the population experience them. In general, the larger they are, the more pain they cause. Women appear to get these when they are very tired, run down or premenstrual.

What causes mouth ulcers?

• Nutritional deficiencies – when the body does not get sufficient nutrients, the immune system becomes less effective and conditions like mouth ulcers are more likely to occur.

• Food allergies – wheat can sometimes cause mouth ulcers, especially if it is re-introduced into the diet after some time.

• Stress • Accidental trauma – if you knock yourself with a toothbrush or bump into something, ulceration may result.

• Fluctuating hormone levels – for example, around the menstrual cycle.

How can mouth ulcers be prevented?

• Take multivitamins and mineral supplements, especially extra vitamin C. • Make sure you are eating a balanced diet. If you still get ulcers, check that you are not allergic to anything.

• Consult your GP. If you still have a problem, they might prescribe a zinc-based mouthwash or hydrocortisone pellets or cream.

• Get enough sleep and try some relaxation exercises if you are stressed out. A weekend away could do wonders to make your mouth ulcers disappear.

• Eat plain food and drinks. Avoid spices and salt.

• Avoid acidic beverages such as orange juice.

• Using a straw can help bypass ulcers in the front of the mouth. Avoid very hot drinks.

• Use a very soft toothbrush to brush your teeth.

Is there a natural remedy for mouth ulcers?

Astringent herbs like sage and myrrh are especially helpful as they tighten up weak gums and loose teeth, and treat mouth ulcers. Sage disinfects the mouth, while myrrh speeds up the healing process. Use a sage infusion as a mouthwash, or rub the sore gums with the leaves or a powder form of the herb. Dab neat myrrh tincture onto mouth ulcers and infected gums hourly.

Should you consult a doctor?

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Most mouth ulcers are not the result of a serious illness and usually clear up without treatment, but if they do not heal within two or three weeks, consult your doctor or a dentist.

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upfront with paul

modern dilemmas

for little dilettantes

What to do when your 10-year-old feels she’s ready to enter the

Paul, Sabina and Saskia

i

have the most basic cellphone. It has no camera, holds no music, has a mono screen and no games. It’s more gooseberry than Blackberry and doesn’t know what an email is. I love it. It works brilliantly.

My daughter now wants a cellphone.

Quite apart from my argument that she has no need for a cellphone at 10, she doesn’t just want any old cellphone; it has to have a camera, an MP3 player, be able to pick up her emails and boast state-ofthe-art games. If it is an Apple – that’d be nirvana. Who does she think she is, the vice-president of Investec? Who’s going to email her? Who does she want to call?

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Is she going to sit in class texting her mates: “Hey P, Wotz ans 2 Q 7?”

In the excitement of modern living, combined with her hectic schedule, she forgets things – her swimming cap, ballet shoes, homework – so she’s definitely going to forget her cellphone. And if she doesn’t forget it I can imagine some goon thinking: “Oh look, a 10-year-old girl with an iPhone. Thanks I’ll just ‘borrow’ that”. It isn’t like we’re living in Switzerland.

She wants to join Facebook and MySpace. The lower joining age is 16 or, at least, 14, so I say: “You’ve got a few years to go yet.” Yes, it’s a fantastic way of keeping in touch with friends. But all her friends are at school or in Cape Town; it isn’t like she needs to keep in touch with family in Perth. So, my answer is: no way.

But does that make me a fuddyduddy daddy? Who cares? Dress up games on the computer is one thing, being exposed to some of Facebook’s and MySpace’s less desirable “groups” (of which there are multitudes), and even less desirable individuals (more than multitudes), is another. Also, Facebook makes people who should know better do the strangest things, like the wife of Britain’s head of MI6 posting pictures of hubby dearest frolicking about on holiday in his underwear. (Which, sadly, tells you a lot about where British Intelligence is heading.)

Another dilemma is sleeping over. You don’t really think about this until it’s in your face – usually when you are picking her up after a play date and saying goodbye to the parents. You have a foot out of the

gate and then: “Is it okay if I sleep over?” she asks all doe-eyed, putting you on the spot. Well, er, yes, Gemima is a nice girl and, yes, her mom is very sweet and loving … but her stepdad – he is, well, dodgy. It’s the fangs and the hooded velvet cape that put me off. What if they don’t serve the right food? Their idea of a well-balanced meal could be chocolate and salt-andvinegar chips.

Sleeping over is a real test of your own levels of prejudice, snobbery and cultural tolerance. And it works both ways.

“Cynthia says she can’t stay over because you once ate duck, which is her most favourite animal, and her mom says you drive too fast.” Ouch! That hurt.

Paul Kerton is the author of FabDad – a Man’s Guide to Fathering and 82 Mistakes Parents Make (With Their Children).

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PHOTOGRAPH: JILL BADER

world of high-tech cellphones and Facebook?, asks PAUL KERTON.

giveaways continued...

Christmas boxes galore!

Party up a storm with Polka Dot Polka Dot Parties offers arts and craft birthday parties for children of every age. Their studio accommodates up to 24 children. They offer various craft options and customised party packs, and will arrange a cake if desired. For more information, please visit polkadotartstudio.co.za Polka Dot Parties is giving away a cupcake-decorating party for one reader for 10 children. This includes one cake valued at R900, 10 cupcakes to match, two chocolate buckets, two Flings and Fizzer buckets, one cupcake-decorating craft set, one second craft set of choice and a dress-up facility for children. All of this is valued at R10 000. To enter, email your details to win@childmag.co.za with ‘Polka Dot Cupcake Win’ in the subject line, or post your entry to Polka Dot Cupcake Win, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010 before 30 November 2009. Only one entry per reader.

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Goodie Two ShoesTM has come up with the perfect, on-the-spot entertainment solution that is adored by children and appreciated by parents.

The Goodie BoxTM is filled with delightful arts, crafts and fun goodies, and the box itself serves as a colouring-in book. The special Christmas edition allows budding little artists to create their own Christmas decorations as just one of the many activities. Goodie BoxesTM are perfect for parties and a great source of entertainment when eating out, at sleep-overs or for road, plane or train trips. For more information, contact Memre 082 466 3182, email memre@goodietwoshoes.co.za or visit goodietwoshoes.co.za to see the whole range of goodie boxes.

Goodie Two ShoesTM is giving away two Christmas Goodie BoxesTM to 10 readers, worth a total value of R1 500. To enter, email your details to win@childmag.co.za with ‘Goodie Two Shoes Win’ in the subject line, or post your entry to Goodie Two Shoes Win, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010 before 30 November 2009. Only one entry per reader.

Congratulations to our September winners: Tshepiso Chocho who wins an Ackermans gift card; Mambrie May and Kreneshin Naidoo who each win a Green Cross gift voucher; Poso Mogale who wins the Toddler Sense giveaway, and Karin Pampel who wins a Sparkle Spa Party for her daughter and 19 friends.

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feature

other parent

the

BRIGID BROWN offers some tried-and-tested advice for those

f, as a step-parent-to-be, you are in any way uncomfortable with the thought that you are not only marrying your fiancé/e but also their children and to some extent their ex, you’d better think very carefully about proceeding. Step-parenting is difficult and it is definitely not for the selfish, the self-absorbed, those prone to jealousy or neediness.

The good news is that contrary to what the fairytales would have us believe, not all steps are hated or barely tolerated; many enjoy wonderful, rewarding, loving relationships with their stepchildren. And how your relationship with your stepchildren turns out is mostly in your hands.

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PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

about to become step-parents.

ou can’t usurp their position in their parent’s heart.

Y This is not a competition you can win. You will only create undue heartache for yourself and your partner if you allow yourself even the slightest chink of jealousy. There are many kinds of love – your partner’s love for his children does not lessen what he/she feels for you.

I f you were involved in any way, even just as a symptom, in the dissolution of their parents’ marriage, they will probably hate you. If you weren’t but you happen to be the first new, serious partner, they might also hate you. The only solution is to let time take its course and allow trust and a relationship to develop naturally.

ou cannot usurp their parent’s position. Don’t even Y go there. You are not their mother (or their father) and you never will be. You will (hopefully) be an adult friend they can rely on. (And the addition of your family to theirs means more presents at birthdays – I found that point played very well with our boys!)

ou can’t blame the children. They did not Y create this situation. The grown-ups they trusted to provide stability and reassurance have, for whatever reason, destroyed what these children knew as home – it is of little consequence if the adults in that home were unhappy. Given a choice, they’d rather their parents were still together.

Now, a stranger (that’s you) is being foisted on them. Wouldn’t you act up a bit?

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It sounds daunting, but the way will be smoothed if you can accept the above facts. There are also two golden rules to step-parenting. I discovered the first on the day after my husband proposed to me. When I excitedly phoned my mother to tell her the news, her immediate response was: “Oh, those poor children!” When I asked her what she meant by that statement, Mom was vaguely contrite, but went ahead anyway: “Never forget that no matter how much they may like you, they would far rather their father was remarrying their own mother than

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ou cannot expect your stepchildren to love you – or Y that you’ll love them. You can’t even be sure you’ll like each other. All you and the children (including any stepsiblings) can expect from each other is respect (for their feelings, their space, their beliefs and their experience) – it comes down to basic manners and politeness.

But I’ve come to realise that it’s a different kind of love.

It’s a mother’s love. And my stepchildren don’t need that from me – they’ve always had it from their own, wonderful mother.

someone else. It is their dearest wish and now they know it will never happen.” Children never really get over divorce.

It’s more a matter of getting on with it, than getting over it.

My grandparents divorced when my mother was 21.

Mom did me a favour, though – in the moment when I was focusing on myself and my own happiness she reminded me of two little boys who were doing their best to live up to the expectations of the adults in their world, despite those adults having turned that world upside down. And for all that I’d rather my mother had been giddily happy for me, she taught me an important lesson at the very moment I needed to learn it.

Seven words became my compass and they should be yours too: when you are in doubt about how to

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proceed, when you’re feeling put upon, when you’re not sure whether you’re being unreasonable or are entirely justified in your affront/hurt/rage, ask yourself “what would be best for the children?” When you put the children’s best interests first, the way forward becomes obvious. Sometimes it means that for you to continue to be the best step-parent you can be, you need time alone with their father (or mother); another time it might mean

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November 2009

a weekend away for them – with their father (or mother) and without you; sometimes it means standing up to them and saying “no”; other times it means cheering them on – “yes, yes, YES!” Here is the other golden rule of step-parentdom: never, ever criticise either of the children’s parents in front of them, no matter what the provocation. You can rant and rave to, or at, your partner but you may never divide the

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Step-parenting is difficult and it is definitely not for the selfish, the self-absorbed, those prone to jealousy or neediness.

loyalties of those children, even if you’re right. Of course, your partner and his (or her) ex-partner should not criticise you in front of the children either.

There will be many disagreements in the years to come. There are disagreements in all relationships, and all relationships have their ups and downs. And the two subjects most likely to cause serious problems in a stepfamily are: discipline and money. Consider that the discipline of children and money matters cause the most gnashing of teeth in any marriage; now add an ex, sprinkle on a bit of guilt, season with a dash of jealousy and soak liberally in “But Mom lets us jump on the sofa”/“Dad always used to let us watch age-restricted movies”. It’s a recipe, certainly, but whether for disaster or success is up to the adults.

Money is a notoriously touchy subject to bring up even when you know everything else there is to know about your partner. But in this case, you do need to know where you stand. Just as sensible people sign antenuptial contracts,

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sensible steps-to-be should make themselves aware of (or his) home. Bear in mind though that if the children the divorce settlement. You have a right to know where the are very young, it will make it easier for all concerned if money of the estate you’re going to build together goes, and the rules (bedtimes, eating vegetables) are the same in how much of it goes. Once you know that, how involved you both houses and as close as possible to what they’ve choose to be in money matters is a matter always known. As they get older they of personal preference, but at the end of the will be able to understand the concept useful websites day it is something that has been decided of different rules for different houses. health24.com in a court of law and obviously your partner Disciplining the children in your home familylife.co.za should not shirk his (or her) obligations. will at some point fall to you and famsa.org If you feel that he (or she) is overspending you and your spouse need to have parenting4dummies.com on the children, evaluate carefully what formed a strong partnership before step-parenting.com is in their best interest. If you still believe it’s ever an issue. Together, you and they are indeed being spoilt (perhaps in an your new partner must agree to certain attempt to make sure that the short time spent with them standards and how these will be maintained. You must is as wonderful as possible), you might gently suggest agree on these, calmly, before they become an issue. alternatives. Learning the value of money is an important And your partner should make it clear to the children that lesson for children – perhaps the money could be put into when he (or she) is not around, you are in charge and they investment accounts for them instead, maybe they could are to listen to you. learn to make do with age-appropriate pocket money The delicate nature of topics that affect your partner’s and one treat from Dad (or Mom) per weekend. But be children is why experts suggest counselling before the prepared to approach this subject when the children are marriage, in individual sessions and together as a couple. not in the room and when you are both calm.

I’d add a group counselling session for all the adults Money matters should never be discussed in front of involved (exes included) so you know you’re all on the children (there’s nothing they can do about the resulting same page when it comes to disciplining the children. And worry you’re putting on their shoulders). It is especially top-up sessions with an independent facilitator whenever cruel to expect them to take your or your partner’s snarky these are required. comments back to their other parent.

There are myriad permutations on the makeup of the Similarly, you are about to set up a home together stepfamily. Each scenario comes with its own challenges and you have a right to run that home in a way that might for a step-parent. But if you put the children’s needs first be different from the way your partner’s ex now runs her and foster strong supportive relations between all the

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adults involved, you can’t go wrong. It will also show the ex-partner that you will not hurt their children or ride roughshod over their feelings (imagine how much the thought of a “wicked step” worries an ex).

By the way, what I said about not having the right to expect love … it’s true. All you may expect is respect. But if you’re very lucky, love does develop. I would kill for my stepsons. I did not have children of my own when I married my husband. Now that we do have two littlies I worried that maybe I love them more, and that my stepchildren are aware of that. But I’ve come to realise that it’s a different kind of love. It’s a mother’s love. And my stepchildren don’t need that from me – they’ve always had it from their own, wonderful mother. I love them in a completely different way, and I know they love me back, in their own way, too.

What a rare gift.

recommended reading Active Parenting For Stepfamilies by Michael Popkin and Elizabeth Einstein (Active Parenting Publishing, 2007) Two Happy Homes: A Working Guide for Parents & Stepparents After Divorce and Remarriage by Shirley Thomas (Springboard Publications, 2005) Stepparenting without Guilt by Maurine Doerken (Blue Dolphin Publishing, 2000) The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Stepparenting by Ericka Lutz (Paperback, 1998) How to Win as a Stepfamily by Emily B Visher and John S Visher (Brunner-Routledge, 1991)

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feature

it’s a

mall world Most tweens like nothing more than spending a day at the mall – without you. Don’t panic – just set some rules for your mallrat. By LAURA TWIGGS.

d

ianne*, 13 years old, says she comes here every Saturday during the term, and would spend every day here in the holidays, “if my mom would let me.” When I talk to her, it’s a beautifully sunny spring day in Cape Town and Dianne and a group of six or seven friends are hanging around the artificially lit food court at an upmarket southern suburbs shopping mall. When they’re not tapping furiously away on their cellphones, they’re checking out a group of guys across the way, giggling to each other, and taking careful note of what passers-by are wearing. “Look! Look!” says Dianne’s best friend Mandy*, suddenly intensely animated and focused. She elbows Dianne in the ribs with urgency. Then it’s, “No, don’t look. Don’t look. Is he looking at us?”

“He” is a boy of about 14, jeans slung low on his hips, his spanking-new big-brand sneakers making their own entrance. He joins a group of four boys dressed much the same, and they peer furtively out from carefully coiffed sideswept fringes over to where the girls are sitting while making a show of jostling each other.

As an adult, I regard malls as tedious places to shop conveniently, but clearly there is a lot more to malls in these young people’s lives. There’s a complex web of nuance, interaction, excitement and thrill that I’m witnessing, and I’m sure I’m only plumbing the surface of what’s really going on. I get the clear sense that I’m embarrassing them by hanging out with them, but they’re far too polite to say anything and, besides, I know Dianne’s mom.

American psychologists, who have spent decades looking into the psychology of mall culture, say that hanging out at malls peaks between the ages of 12 and 15, and that for young teens, the malls operate as a “third home”, after their house and school. Even though it might look like wasted time to us adults, it occupies a vital place in their lives. American associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, Kimberley Schonert-Reichl, goes so far as saying that it’s even a “developmental necessity”.

else can this age group (12–15 years) meet and “ Where view the opposite sex, see and be seen, and hang out

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It seems bizarre. Indeed, such thinking goes against many parents’ current instincts to keep their children away from malls. And, in light of the bad press teen activities in malls has had, as well as the several mall heists that have garnered enormous press attention, these instincts are understandable. But, they may not be in their children’s best interests. It is at this age (12 to 15) that the importance of peer perceptions and peer relationships are at their highest. And in our individualistic modern culture – with its absence of community spaces, its reliance on high walls and fortress-like homes, not to mention unsafe streets – the public and fluid space of the mall is the safest meeting space available. Where else can this age group meet and view the opposite sex, see and be seen, and hang out with friends – all vital developmental milestones?

Cape Town-based counselling psychologist Dr Rosa Bredekamp says that the mall has become our equivalent of the town square or the marketplace. “Children are born into families and a particular culture, from which they learn and develop their views of the world,” she says. “In our day and age, most Western societies are dominated by consumerism and easy access to amenities. The previous notion of the marketplace has changed and now we have malls in every city and town.”

Very interestingly, she reminds us that today’s tweens can’t be separated from technology, and that their needs develop around the constant, instant communication that is the fabric of their lives. “From very young, the children of today are exposed to computers, television and DVDs. They can communicate with one another via Skype, MXit and Facebook. Sometimes they don’t even know who they are talking to. But to them it means they are never alone; there is always someone out there ready to engage,” she notes.

In this context, the face-to-face and physical social contact that malls enable becomes even more important. (In three different Cape Town malls, I quizzed pre-teens and young teens about what they would be doing if they were not currently at the mall with their friends, and the vast majority said that they would either be playing games on joburg’s

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Generally speaking, toilets in shopping malls are located at the end of long and sometimes lonely corridors. Insist that your teens, boys as well as girls, visit toilets in pairs or preferably in threes. Remind them to visit the toilets before a movie starts as this is when toilets are busy. If they have to go during the movie, they must take a friend.

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with friends – all vital developmental milestones?

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Drop off your children and pick them up; don't let them make their own way to the mall.

Decide and agree on pre-arranged times, and on how much time your children may spend at the mall at a stretch. Don't accept loose arrangements, like: “I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

Don't use the mall as your “babysitter” service.

Be open about the dangers of meeting strangers in malls. Even if your children feel they know someone from Facebook or MXit, don’t allow them to meet anyone they have not met in person.

Use the time driving from the mall to talk about what happened during their time there.

If you are worried, accompany your children to the mall but don't attempt to hang out with them once there.

While they connect with their friends, go and see a movie or do your shopping, and agree on a designated meeting time and place away from their gathering spot.

Make sure your children agree never to visit a mall without your knowledge and consent.

Always know which of their friends they will be meeting, and ensure that you have met them before. Have the contact numbers of their closest friends.

Make sure you and your children know where the mall management office and security hub are located.

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their computers, using MXit, or surfing a social-networking site. Almost all of the boys I spoke to said they would most probably be playing war games. (I couldn’t help thinking that they were far better off hanging out with real-time friends in the food courts!)

And Dr Bredekamp agrees. “In the hustle and bustle of the mall there is a sense of energy and exhilaration; things children and teens enjoy. For them, going to the mall is like a mini vacation and they return to their lives feeling refreshed and relaxed,” she explains.

Despite what the news would have us believe, it seems that only a very small percentage of tweens get into trouble or engage in high-risk activities while visiting the mall. For most of them, it’s really about being “out there”.

“I don’t have to spend money when I’m at the mall,” points out 12-year-old Damian* at a large northern suburbs mall.

“My friends and I know that there are some troublemakers sometimes, but we avoid them. We come every weekend and we sort of know the security guards by now. We keep away from the older guys. When we try on clothes, we fold them and put them back properly. We don’t want to not be allowed in the shop next time. We all know one guy who has been banned from the mall. We wouldn’t want that to happen to us.”

However, Dr Bredekamp notes that parents need to be very aware of their children’s malling modus operandi. “When parents drop off their children at the mall, they believe their children will be safe,” she says. “This is not necessarily the case, and therefore parents should know who their children are meeting and what they are intending to do. They should set a time limit on how long the child may be in the mall. They should also place a limit on the amount of money the child may spend. We need to teach our children responsibility about money and spending. They should be taught never to wander off on their own or to talk to strangers.”

When parents drop their children off at the mall they “believe their children will be safe. This is not necessarily

“

mall rules

the case and therefore parents should know who their children are meeting and what they are intending to do.

A further thing to be vigilant about is that your child does not use the mall as a meeting place to hook up with anyone they have met only in the virtual arena of MXit or a social-networking site. Because of the dangers posed by this, it’s imperative – even if your children are allowed to enjoy the mall on their own – that the subject is an open one and that there is no secrecy around their mall activities.

And certainly, no matter how essential a bit of malling may be, it’s never a good substitute for family bonding. “Although children, in particular teens, like spending time with their friends, they also have a need to interact with their parents to feel loved and cherished,” says Dr Bredekamp. “Parents should find the time to engage with their children and preferably to expose them to a variety of experiences. Children need this for healthy development and personal growth. Children by nature are adventurous and enjoy the outdoors. Here, they can connect with nature and themselves, rejuvenate and be better equipped to deal with all the challenges they face in their daily lives. Furthermore, being together as a family allows time for discussions, bonding, and getting to know each other more intimately.”

The malling activities have their place, but time spent in malls should never erode gentle family time. “In a relaxed environment children open up and start talking about their joys, fears and concerns, so it’s vital that parents build this in.

It’s now that parents have an opportunity to listen and to guide and direct,” says Dr Bredekamp. “Malling should only be one aspect in their lives, which needs to be balanced. It’s only through balance that they gain a better understanding of the world and how to manage in different situations.”

As I leave the girls at the food court, their faces show visible relief. Dianne and Mandy apply lipgloss, and giggle as they pout at each other. It looks like “he” is about to come over, probably seeing my departure as his cue. The air is charged, and their energy and excitement is palpable, no matter how “cool” they may try to appear. I can’t help thinking that today, for them, nowhere else in the world could possibly be as full of significance and as thrilling as this mall, which for me is only about the tedium of shopping. And, as I depart, I experience a wave of gentle envy. *Names have been changed joburg’s

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feature

safe to

surf

DONNA COBBAN looks at the perils and pitfalls of the online world and

?

shares a few ideas on how to keep your children protected.

Children and teenagers can disappear from the real world long before they learn how to function effectively within it.

There are pages and pages of people’s “chats” about suicide – the best way (with doses of meds needed according to your body weight), the easiest method if you care about the loved ones left behind (death in a foreign country with no ID), and the least painful. (One youngster suggests carbon-monoxide poisoning, but another retorts you need an old clonker of a car with bad gas emissions for it to work properly. Not so, says another, my neighbour two doors down did it with a brand-new Audi.) Yes, these teens are mainly North Americans, but there are reasons the world is now called a global village – they may as well be two doors down. While many of them are clearly just addicted to

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few months ago I attended an informative event hosted by the Computer Society of South Africa (CSSA). The subject was “How to Keep Children Safe Online”.

Guest speaker Adrie Stander, senior lecturer at UCT’s Department of Information Systems shared some statistics, which were nothing short of alarming. Child pornography is on the increase, and hosting an illicit website is not that hard – you just have to change domains every half an hour or so and hop between servers in eastern European countries to avoid detection.

In addition to this, Adrie tells us, child-pornography sites are difficult to find as they are often encrypted and take place in “private rooms” (sites that are not available to the public). Adrie warns of the dangers of online “grooming”, where a paedophile will spend many months befriending children and gaining their trust. Addiction to child pornography, Adrie says, “is much like any other addiction – the more you use it the more you need it. It is not unusual to find over 600 000 images of child pornography on an addict’s machine.”

I sit quietly, listening to the sad statistics – the number of sexual predators removed from Facebook last year was 90 000, yet the number of specialised police personnel assigned to cybercrime in our country is 30!

That night, I pondered what life may have been like if the internet had been around when I was a teen and what I might have chosen to Google way back when. Slowly I type the words, “I want to die” into the Google search bar and sit back. (While I was not an unhappy teen, I was at times angry and frustrated and had a keen sense of melodrama.)

My Google results are initially disappointing, but after a few jumps back and forth between a few broken links and a few dead ends, I am in a suicide-cult site.

While we willingly lay down rules for our children in the real world, shouldn’t we be doing the same online?

the drama of the idea of an early death, there will sooner or later be some who are serious in their quest to end their life.

My stomach churns, I want to drop this research and run. I leave the site filled with a deep sense of sadness and turn to another popular topic “pro ana”. I type the words into my search bar and wait, all the while wishing I was doing something else. Pro ana is a term for the promotion of anorexia – websites have been set up so teens can encourage one another towards self-starvation. A kind of flipside to the standard support groups, these are “let’s help you destroy yourself” groups.

One site gives me dire warnings about being 18 before I enter and even threatens me with some federal law, should I not be. I click, no-one encourages me not to eat, but I am in a world where fat is the enemy, psychologists are the anti-Christ and food is the new bubonic plague. Any young teen with weight issues who stumbles across this site is heading for more than just body-weight troubles.

The blurred boundaries between a child’s online world and the real world are another reason for parents to start paying more attention to what their children are doing. Children and teenagers can disappear from the real world long before they learn how to function effectively within it. As was the literal case in a small village in Wales, where 13 suicides joburg’s

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took place within the early part of 2008 – most of the young victims knew one another. A suicide pact was suspected and what soon transpired was that they had all spent hours on the social-networking site Bebo – where the opportunity to have an internet-memorial wall made in their honour was one of the suspected motivating factors.

The majority of these young people did not suffer from depression and their decision to die came as an utterly devastating surprise to their parents. One of the mothers knew that her son spent time on Bebo where he had a page, but she added: “I have no idea how to get on these sites or what the children are talking about.”

While we willingly lay down rules for our children in the real world, shouldn’t we be doing the same online? We are careful not to let our young children out of our sight in a shopping mall, and we lay down strict curfew times for teens, yet online we allow them to wander about alone.

Most good filtering systems can block pornographic sites, hate sites and dodgy chat rooms, and they give you the option to stop things like over-age online games.

Lourentius van der Westhuizen certainly thinks so, and it was the words of one of these very parents that motivated him to develop netparent.co.za, an application he has been working on for over a year and which was recently launched.

Netparent.co.za allows you to load a list of words or information relevant to your child onto a customised dictionary, which will then trigger an alert and send you an SMS when one of these listed words is either typed, present on a website, or is received or sent within the body of an email. You are then given the option of remotely blocking or unblocking the screen on your computer via SMS, should you deem this necessary. While some parents may welcome the ability to silently and secretly monitor their children’s internet activity, Van der Westhuizen prefers transparency, adding: “You should let your children know you are trying to protect them, and not spy on them.”

When talking to fellow parents of active internet users, I am alarmed to discover that not many parents have any filtering software loaded. “I trust them” is the most common response. That may well be so, but can we trust the internet not to unwittingly open up a page of disturbing pornographic images when all your 10-year-old is looking for are the mating habits of mice?

Most good filtering systems can block pornographic sites, hate sites and dodgy chat rooms, and they give you the option to configure an application to stop things like gambling and over-age online games. “But,” say the doubters, “they’ll just find a way around it.” True, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t, at least, try to protect them.

In addition to over-the-counter filters, Windows Vista comes with a built-in parentalcontrol function that is located in the control panel. Another handy feature that helps to filter content is on the Google page where, under internet options, you can click on Content, which then enables the Content Advisor. Here, you can filter out violence, nudity, tobacco, drug and alcohol images, as well as a whole host of other nasties. Access to both these methods of parental control should be password-controlled and limited to the computer’s administrator account.

If your family is a bit chaotic, like most, you may find that one child grabs your laptop to search for something quickly, while you attend to dinner and letting the dog out and a host of other household chores. All this, while another child has maxed out his social-networking time on the upstairs computer. A possible alternative to this scenario is to get each child the latest Classmate PC by Intel. It’s not often I get excited by technology, but this little laptop can be hauled out and used on the kitchen floor. The screen swivels

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360˚, so you get to look at cool stuff with useful websites them, check up on homework, keep them netparent.co.za grounded in real time and keep stirring the risotto. It’s robust, and the screen safekids.com won’t crack easily. And when you slam it netsmartz.org shut, it turns into a writing tablet. It comes commonsensemedia.org with state-of-the-art access management, wiredsafety.org allowing you to set limits on time and defendyourchild.com access. And it’s not that pricey!

So you have done what you can in terms of filters, but they still need daily guidance. Teens, especially, don’t self-sensor and that funny pic of Mark Harvey’s bottom at the latest sleepover gets downloaded, sent around and pasted onto a few social-networking sites – even little Mark thinks it’s kind of funny. What Mark doesn’t consider is that in the not-too-distant future, his CV may be lying on his chosen employer’s desk, his cum laude law degree ripe for the picking, until that potential employer goes on to pipl.com to check Mark out. That pyjama-party picture might well lose him the job of a lifetime.

Then there is the time factor – if we monitor mall time, bedtime and TV time, then so too should we monitor online time, particularly when it comes to social networking. British psychologist Dr Aric Sigman certainly believes that this is where the true danger of internet use lurks. Commenting after the Welsh suicides in 2008, he noted that: “The damage done by displacing key periods of emotional and social development with time in front of a screen doesn’t have the sense of dramatic risk that internet paedophilia does. The effects may seem vague, but they are reaching far more children. Yet the penny only drops when there is a school massacre or suicide by internet.”

report any child-abuse images or text, visit: fpbprochild.org.za/ReportAbuse.aspx or call them on 0800 148 148 saps.gov.za/children/child_abuse.htm virtualglobaltaskforce.com joburg’s

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feature

!

stand up, speak up r

in children, while ensuring that aggression remains at bay.

ebecca, a 36-year-old mother of two, was faced with a difficult situation when her eldest daughter Katie started Grade 1. Katie has been raised to respect adults, and although a little bossy with her friends, by nature she is a responsible and honest child, who has never been in serious trouble. Shortly into the first term, she was given a detention slip by her teacher for causing a ruckus in the school bathroom.

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Katie arrived home in tears and explained that a classmate had been slamming the toilet doors for fun.

She asked her to be quiet but the girl did not listen.

Katie issued a louder warning but the girl continued. At the exact moment the teacher entered the bathroom, Katie was standing with her hands on hips, yelling at her classmate to stop. The teacher reprimanded Katie but when she tried to explain she was promptly shushed

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TRACY ELLIS looks at ways to encourage assertive behaviour

and issued with a detention slip. Katie was devastated, as she was trying to warn her classmate of the outcome of her behaviour, and now she was being punished.

Rebecca was equally upset. Why hadn’t Katie been more assertive? She should not have been intimidated by her teacher and should have insisted respectfully on being heard. Rebecca contemplated confronting the teacher herself but she also backed down as she did not want to be “one of those interfering parents who does not respect the teacher’s authority”. She decided to let Katie go to detention in the hopes that, if nothing else, she would learn to stay away from disruptive classmates in future and not attempt to rescue them from themselves. But as valuable as that lesson may have been, it would not teach Katie how to speak up for herself when dealing with authoritative figures.

Malcolm Gladwell, in his latest book, Outliers suggests that talking things through with our children, reasoning and negotiating with them, and expecting them to talk back

and question us, teaches them how to interact comfortably with adults and to speak up when they need to. They learn that it is alright to assert themselves, even when that person is older or an authority figure.

I once believed you should never allow your children to reason or negotiate with you – you should stand your ground and let them know that you are the parent and they are the child. But I now see that parenting is not all black and white. In fact, most of it is grey and, whether we accept it or not, we negotiate, reason and question situations every day of our lives and we all benefit from asserting ourselves appropriately.

So, why not teach our children these skills and equip them to cope in today’s fast-paced and often aggressive world? The world our grandparents grew up in – where the idea that children should be seen and not heard – doesn’t quite cut it in today’s world. That said, there is a difference between being assertive and

How do we teach our children to be assertive without adding to the worldwide epidemic of disrespectful, rude and obnoxious youth?

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aggressive. How do we teach our children to be assertive without adding to the worldwide epidemic of disrespectful, rude and obnoxious youth?

While channel surfing recently, I happened across celebrity psychologist Dr Phil giving an explanation on the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. He described an assertive person as someone who gets what they need but with respect to the rights of others, whereas an aggressive person gets what they need at the expense of another person. I have never been a die-hard Dr Phil fan but I thought his explanation summed it up pretty well. It all boils down to respect – for others and for ourselves.

Michele Perkins, a counselling psychologist based in Durban, runs self-esteem workshops for children. She believes being respectfully assertive is linked to a healthy self-esteem. She feels parents have a vital role to play in teaching their children to be assertive. “Parents need

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assertiveness versus aggression Use these examples to talk to your children about the correct way to assert themselves If a brother or sister snatches your book Aggressive: “Give me my book NOW!” Assertive: “I’m busy reading that book. Please give it back to me and when I am done you can have it.”

Passive: “Take the book. I don’t need it anyway.”

A friend at school keeps calling you a silly name and you don’t like it Aggressive: “Call me that again and I’ll thump you.”

Assertive: “I don’t like it when you call me that. If you do it again I may choose not to play with you.”

Passive: Cries and walks away.

to role-play and practise social conversations with their children,” she says. “Stay connected to them by asking specific questions about their day and then be real with them by using examples from your own life to help them figure out the best way to deal with a situation they are facing.” She continues: “There is an appropriate time for being assertive. It is perfectly alright for a child to challenge an adult, but they need to wait for a gap in the conversation. Tone of voice is also important.”

In my own family, I have tried to teach my children that no-one has the right to make them feel guilty, ridiculed or scared, that they are allowed to change their minds, to say “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand”

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and to make mistakes. I also reinforce that anger is an acceptable feeling but it is not an effective tool for being assertive.

Perhaps we need to be aware of what we are modelling as parents. Our children are highly impressionable imitators and they are watching our every move. Do you look people in the eye when you speak to them? Do you yell at your children to get results? Do you give in to others against your inner voice? Examining our own behaviour is often a great starting point to understanding why our children are either too passive or too aggressive. Perhaps Rebecca should have intervened in Katie’s situation and modelled assertive behaviour?

Someone asks a favour of you but you are too busy Aggressive: “No, I’m busy. Do it yourself.”

Assertive: “I really can’t do it today but I might be able to help you another time.”

Passive: “Sure. I’ll stop what I’m doing.”

Helping our children to become assertive will improve their self-confidence as well as their ability to make choices and follow through on them. It will help them to withstand peer pressure and may well save them from being targeted by the school bully. In turn, it will help them with the concept of compromise and how to take other people’s feelings into account. And ultimately, a strong sense of self will help them succeed in whatever they put their hearts, minds and efforts into.

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feature

ADHD DONNA COBBAN shares some stories from the frontline

t

hese days, many parents of children with endless amounts of energy live in silent fear that soon after the start of Grade 1 the teacher will call and suggest there might be more to your children’s wild shenanigans.

“Perhaps,” says the clipped and curt tone, as she cuts to the chase, “perhaps, your child has ADHD?” What follows leaves you floundering, as the pressure builds for a swift diagnosis in order to stem the tide of your wild child.

Denise* knows this feeling well and she now spends every afternoon on the turf of the local park with her son, seven-year-old Jack*. They have skipping-rope races, play beach bats, which have been renamed “park bats”, and they run – after soccer balls, golf balls and one another.

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After dribbling the ball home, they collapse exhausted through the front door. “I do this religiously,” says Denise.

“Perhaps,” says the clipped and curt tone, as she cuts to the chase, “perhaps, your child has ADHD?” “Sure there are days when I think I can’t stand another round of plastic golf – but the payoff is too great because if we miss an afternoon of wild abandon, you can be sure that the next day, the teacher is going to bear the brunt of that unspent energy. Which is unfair, to Jack, who needs

to learn, and on his dedicated teacher, who needs to teach another 24 children effectively.”

After extensive testing, Jack was diagnosed with ADHD last year and through a combination of diet and exercise, he takes no medication and copes well in his mainstream class. This is one of the good stories – comprising a good teacher-parent relationship and little medical intervention.

Yet sadly Jack and Denise are an exception to the norm, as the diagnosis and understanding of ADHD is, by and large, fraught with misunderstanding, misdiagnoses and miscommunication.

The reasons are perhaps historical, with their roots laid firmly in North American soil. It was here that

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PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM

of the ADHD battlefield, along with some possible solutions.

medical-insurance companies started pushing doctors towards a quick diagnosis, forcing doctors to label the condition in order to cut the costly bills coming in from therapists, heavy-metal and allergen testing, and dieticians, to name a few. “Give them Ritalin and let us (and them) reap the rewards,” seemed to be the general cry. What followed was an unprecedented explosion in script writing, resulting in nearly four-million young North Americans using the drug to manage their ADHD. Here was a Schedule II drug being used to calm six-year-olds.

There were mixed reactions: it was met with anger, and also welcomed with relief.

Paul* is one of those children for whom Ritalin was a blessing. His mother Anna* had tried the homeopathic route to no avail, tried the diet, tried the chiropractor. Then after much deliberation and paediatric consultation, she decided to try Ritalin. “While we were worried about all the negativity surrounding Ritalin, we decided that if his self-esteem was to be saved, we had to help him no matter what.” The results, she says, were nothing short of remarkable: “The Ritalin worked immediately and he was a changed child. Over time, he managed to enter mainstream schooling, with an

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the ADHD child is: • curious; quick witted; thinkers; aware of surroundings • independent; assertive; energetic; mediator • comic-timing; intuitive; bright; brave • enthusiastic; impulsive; strong willed; fearless • determined; sharp; intelligent; sensitive • achieving; doing many things at once; inspiring • creative; opinionated; fascinating; critical • challenging; flexible; imaginative; inquisitive • funny; questioning; cute; bright; laid back • loads of energy; an original thinker; a spokesperson.

Courtesy of Heather Picton increased dosage of Ritalin to help him with the longer day.

With the help of supportive teachers, friends, family and Ritalin, Paul ended his high-school career on a real high – when he was given the Perseverance Award at prizegiving. But what really mattered was the standing ovation he received from the school along with the tears of joy shed by his teachers.

Today, Paul is a well-adjusted young man and free from medication. He attends a practical course at college, where he is top of his class for the first time in his life. One of the advantages Paul had over many young children today is that there wasn’t an urgent rush to label the condition – at least three independent assessments conducted by experts were needed before the ADHD diagnosis was given.

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Heather Picton, founder and CEO of the Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Support Group of Southern Africa (ADHASA), believes that many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed as there are “many other conditions and situations, such as divorce, stress, illness, sensory difficulties, learning difficulties and others that could produce similar symptoms”.

Elaine* and her son William’s* journey is a perfect example of this. Having been an overly active child in Grade 1 and 2, Grade 3 seemed to up the scales altogether. “The teacher,” explains Elaine, “had been attending some local talks about ADHD and felt she was in a good position to diagnose a child with hyperactivity problems. At one point she gave it to me in writing that ‘whatever homeopathic drugs William was on were not working and it was time to move on to Ritalin’.” Elaine also suspected that a recent accident her husband and William had been involved in was a contributing factor to William’s “acting out” behaviour. But

the teacher was insistent that ADHD was the issue at play, so Elaine took William to be assessed by a psychologist, specialising in ADHD. After a few costly sessions, the tests clarified that although William was a busy child, he did not suffer from ADHD. Elaine was delighted and a year on in Grade 4 William is doing well. When Elaine asked William’s current teacher if she had read his file from last year, the teacher smiled and told Elaine that she prefers not to read a child’s file until well into the year.

Lana*, mother to Josh*, has a rockier tale to tell. She was a bit taken aback when her son’s teacher called her in and told her she thought he should be assessed as his handwriting and reading were not up to scratch. Lana was less than worried – so what, he’s left-handed, all lefthanders are messy writers. But she took him anyway and was speechless when the psychologist told her he had ADHD. “But he has never seemed hyper,” she argued with the psychologist. “It’s his brain that is hyper not his body,”

“is It’shyperhisnotbrainhisthatbody.

“

a few successful ADHD folk Albert Einstein Galileo Mozart Wright Brothers Leonardo da Vinci

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Walt Disney John Lennon Winston Churchill Henry Ford Stephen Hawking

Alexander Graham Bell Hans Christian Andersen Thomas Edison Agatha Christie Whoopi Goldberg

Thomas Thoreau Dustin Hoffman Robin Williams Louis Pasteur Beethoven

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was the response. But Lana was still not convinced. While he would have regular tantrums and sometimes wreck his room, she had attributed this upset to her recent divorce.

But the psychologist told her, this was ADHD at work – resulting in his frustration at not being able to cope like other children.

So with much trepidation and with the sole motive of improving her son’s quality of life, she got a Ritalin script from a paediatrician and headed down a road she is now sorry she tried. Josh’s school work saw immediate improvements, but his personality shifted. He became withdrawn, rarely laughed and shed four kilos in six months. Lana recalls the days where Josh managed to eat breakfast and swallow his pill – resulting in a loss of appetite throughout the day until the pill’s effects wore off, after which he was able to eat again. The other side effect was insomnia. With each return visit to the paediatrician, they were told it was the dosage that needed adjusting and then all would be well. But after six months of trying, and when Josh stopped growing (another common Ritalin side effect), she stopped giving him the drugs and started to explore other avenues.

One popular avenue among ADHD sufferers is to change the diet and to eliminate all synthetic food dyes, artificial flavourings, and synthetic antioxidants. According to the Feingold Association, which promotes the use of the Feingold diet, “Humans have a remarkable ability to tolerate exposure to harmful substances, but we’re not identical, and some of us can handle more than others.”

This explains why the same diet won’t necessarily work for

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all ADHD children and perhaps too why Ritalin works for some but not all. Some children, it claims, may just have an allergy to an abnormal substance in the food or in the environment, and may not have ADHD. Not hard to believe when you look at their list of E numbers and additives to avoid. So there it is again – the possibility that your child can be easily misdiagnosed.

According to Heather, “A diagnosis of ADHD should only be given by a psychologist, neurodevelopmental paediatrician, child psychiatrist or neurologist, and is usually based on the guidelines laid down in the DSMIV R. (Diagnostic Statistics Manual IV Revised). She is steadfast in her belief that it is far too complicated a diagnosis to be given without a thorough investigation of the presenting symptoms. She goes on to tell me that ADHASA believes in a holistic approach. She believes that medication and therapy may be part of the treatment but adds, “many children’s symptoms might be alleviated if a few changes are made in the child’s lifestyle – from exercise and healthy eating to feeling wanted and loved in the family circle. Ideally,” Heather concludes, “this should be a way of life in families, whether the child has challenges or not, whether the child is on medication or not. Our modern lifestyle is supposed to give a better quality of life but in many ways we and our children are losing out on the essentials.” *Names have been changed Throughout this article the abbreviation ADHD has been used, as this is the official term used in the DSMIV R.

But what really mattered was the standing ovation he received from the school, along with the tears of joy shed by his teachers.

suggested reading Teaching and ADHD in the Southern African Classroom compiled and edited by Anita Decaires Wagner and Heather Picton (Macmillan, 2009) Hyperactivity and ADD: Caring and Coping by Heather Picton (Wits University Press, 2005) The Manual That Never Came With Your Child by Debbie De Jong and Jane Jarvis (Struik Publishers, 2008) How to cope with ADHD: A South African Guide for Parents, Teachers and Therapists by Helena Bester (Human and Rousseau, 2006)

recommended websites heather.picton.nom.za adhasa.co.za feingold.org

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big issue

the homework

debate

NO

Claire Marketos

Mom of an eleven-year-old girl and a boy of six, Claire Marketos is also a qualified teacher with an honours degree in psychology. She is presently a parenting and educational consultant.

Fifteen years ago, when I was a teacher, I gave my learners homework because that is what a good teacher did, without stopping to question whether homework was, in fact, beneficial for them. Now as a mom of a sixth grader, I can see how homework interferes with my daughter’s life at home, and wish to apologise to former students and parents for my naïvety.

We’ve heard parents grumble in the school parking lot about homework dominating family life and most of us are familiar with arguments with our youngsters over it.

“I hate doing homework. It’s boring,” children lament.

“Just get it done,” parents tell their children, although instinctively we know that youngsters are stressed and anxious because they do not have enough free time to pursue their own interests and to be themselves. Despite all the negativity surrounding homework, parents and teachers still support it because they convince themselves that there must be some benefit to homework, even though they can’t see it.

Research by Professor Harris Cooper of Duke University, North Carolina (in 1989 and 1999) shows that there are “no academic benefits from homework in elementary school.” In other words, homework doesn’t help children learn better.

Then why give it?

Some parents say homework helps them to see how well their child is doing in class and is a way of communicating with the teacher. Surely teachers could send the child’s class work home and communicate with parents through notes and phone calls, rather than assigning homework everyday, Alfie Kohn suggests in his book The Homework Myth.

Others contend homework prepares children for the future by “developing good work habits”. Yes, if they plan to work alone on a dreary, compulsory job, which they have no say or interest in, Kohn points out.

Some teachers say they assign homework because they do not have enough time in the school day to complete the prescribed curriculum. Kohn suggests “more hours are least likely to produce better outcomes when understanding or creativity is involved.” By working smarter rather than harder, teachers can get through the prescribed work without assigning homework. How much time do we need for learning to take place?

“BGUTI ­– Better Get Used To It,” parents tell their children. Life is full of things we have to do even if we don’t like it. That is true, “but what are we willing to do to our children in order to teach them this?” Kohn asks. “Perhaps being in school seven hours a day is demanding enough?” BGUTI-type thinking also teaches children to accept the status quo in life rather than seeking alternative ways of doing things.

Children have a natural innate curiosity to seek out the information they need. We should listen to what our children are telling us and find ways to nurture their love for learning rather than giving them homework because it is something that has always been done.

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ILLUSTRATIONS: MARIETTE COWLEY

We should listen to what our children are telling us and find ways to nurture their love for learning rather than just giving them homework.

Should children be given homework?

CLAIRE MARKETOS and LUCILLE KEMP offer opposing views on this heated topic.

YES

Lucille Kemp

Lucille Kemp is Cape Town’s Child’s calendar editor. She graduated from the University of KwaZulu-Natal with a B Soc Science degree, majoring in English and Media & Communication.

Homework is the platform for learning, and learning is meant to be pleasurable.

When I came across the statement “say no to homework” a few months back, I was outraged. I’m usually all for change in the name of progress but, try as I did to apply my mind to this plot to stamp out homework, like anti-cellulite cream, it smacked of faddish hype.

In its purest form, homework is a learning tool that allows children time and space to learn at their own pace under the guidance of a parent, which prepares them for the outside world as much as the school experience itself. Homework equips children with the ability to persevere, think independently, manage their time, be self-reliant, confident and self-disciplined.

When parents know how to help their children, homework can be viewed in much the same way as a remedial class – that time outside the classroom that provides children with another opportunity to arrive at their light-bulb moment. When children understand, they feel motivated and in control, and school becomes fun.

Sadly, this is not the reality of most homework because often there is just too much, it’s too difficult and it’s boring.

Homework as we know it only begs a little quality and quantity control. Children shouldn’t be negotiating reams of homework long after their attention span has dwindled. They should be given a winning chance by doing assignments that have well-defined instructions and a clear outcome. Work that means something to children will hold their involvement and motivation levels.

Ken Resnick, a Joburg-based educational psychologist with 20 years’ experience in helping children with learning problems, emphasises that, “for children to stay stimulated they need to know why they are being asked to do a particular task.

Homework is not the problem; the issue needs to be looked at more holistically. I have seen time and again a parent’s positive approach towards homework impact remarkably on the child’s own attitude.”

Ken believes issues with homework start at home: “Children struggling with their homework stems from a parent not understanding what they need in order to learn, and a lack of discipline.” On the other hand, “motivated and confident children will know that giving up is not an option if they are to feel good about the end result.

In turn, they will bravely take on a challenge because their natural fervour for learning has been fostered by parents who know when to get involved and when to back off.”

Learning is meant to be pleasurable, and homework is a platform that teaches the qualities that will help make this experience a rewarding one. Furthermore, children who embrace homework are learning to learn on their own steam and will be able to rely on their own capabilities that much more. Working independently on a late-night project due on the boss’s desk the next morning is a reality for many – something homework may go a long way towards helping.

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35

feature

the sound

of music

We all want our children to be little Mozarts, but there is a right time and place to expose them to the rigours of music lessons, says HEATHER BROOKES.

any parents believe that learning a musical instrument is an essential and enriching part of a child’s education. When we listen to accomplished musicians, we think to ourselves: “Gosh, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to play like that?” Perhaps you played the piano when you were young and then gave it up? Now, hearing someone else play so beautifully, makes you feel sad that you didn’t continue. How often do we hear this refrain of regret?

So when your children express an interest, you happily cart them off to music lessons. But after the initial excitement of learning how to play “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”, they soon learn that it will take considerable time and effort before they can realise their dream of playing like the musicians who initially inspired them.

Much like learning to speak a language, it takes several years before you reach a level of technical ability to be able

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The greater variety of musicmaking your children experience, the more fun they will have. to play whatever you choose and do it well. Playing a musical instrument requires the physical training of a professional athlete, more coordination and accuracy than any sport, and the cognitive processing and memory capacity of a chess master. It requires hours of regular practice involving constant repetition. To top it all, these skills must combine with an emotional and expressive capacity, much like the ability to turn language into poetry.

From the ages of 11 to 13, children often want to give up music lessons. Their technical capacity still limits what they can play. They get bored with the time and effort it

takes to master the necessary techniques, and they no longer enjoy it. Some parents let their children stop, while others force them to continue enduring their frustration.

Is it possible to keep the passion and enjoyment alive?

Is it possible to prevent children from wanting to give up before they have achieved at least sufficient mastery to play music on their own? Here are a few ideas:

when should children start music lessons?

Don’t start your children too early. Of course, if they are picking out minuets on the piano at three, like Mozart did, by all means pack them off to the Juilliard School in New York immediately. A child should at least be able to count up to 10, know the letters of the alphabet and be able to sit and concentrate for 10 to 15 minutes, suggest John Ziegler and Nancy Ostromencki on the website pianoeducation.org.

Generally, it is probably not worth starting until about the

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age of six or seven, as most children will not yet have the coordination, agility or cognitive-processing skills required.

If you start a child too early, progress is generally slow, frustrating and not worth the time and money. From about seven, children see the rewards of their efforts sooner.

Consider a general music education course or basic lessons on the recorder before the age of seven.

how do you know whether your child has talent?

Dr Robert Cutietta, in his book Raising Musical Kids: A Guide For Parents, distinguishes between aptitude, the child’s natural potential and achievement, and the child’s skill on an instrument. Children who have musical potential usually play with much greater sensitivity of expression and learn music relatively quickly.

However, he points out that many children can still reach a high level of skill on an instrument with less musical aptitude. Talent does not guarantee children will achieve, if they do not practise regularly and put in the hard work necessary. It is possible to enhance children’s aptitude, believes Dr Cutietta, by exposing children to many different musical experiences particularly in their preschool years.

how can you get your child to practise and enjoy it?

How to get your child to practise is the bane of every parent’s and music teacher’s existence. Unfortunately, regular practice is essential for progress. Like mastering

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any skill, 95% is hard work, the other 5% is talent. What is key for a child to learn is to practise effectively. This means spending minimum time for maximum results. Do not make a child practise for a set period of time. Rather, let your child focus on one aspect or task for the day and get it right. If it takes five minutes, that’s fine, the practice is over.

Endless repetition for no purpose other than to fill the time slot gets boring, and children will often practise in errors.

Encourage your children not only to practise what has been set, but to experiment. Find simple, fun pieces that your children can sight-read. Let them fool around on their instrument and create their own tunes and sound effects.

Playing “The Pink Panther” theme tune on a string instrument with all the silly sound effects is guaranteed to elicit a laugh.

While it may be helpful to have a set time to practise each day, being very rigid about this may curtail your child from spontaneously sitting down to play when they feel like it. Spontaneously picking up an instrument to play is a sure sign that your child is enjoying making music and developing intrinsic motivation. If your children show resistance to practising, link it to something they really want to do. In other words, if they learn the first five bars of a new piece, they can then play their favourite computer game.

The greater variety of music-making your children experience, the more fun they will have. Learning simple versions of Christmas carols or “Happy Birthday” and other popular songs means your child can enjoy the rewards of being able to contribute to different occasions. There

Ruby sings the Blues

By Niki Daly Ruby’s voice is so loud that her neighbours call her “Boom-box”. The children at school don’t want to play with her because of this. Then her jazzplaying neighbours have an idea... How Ruby turns trauma to triumph is delightfully told in this story about the love of music. (Published in South Africa

by Songololo)

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37

Daily practice is not essential for the young beginner. are various websites, such as sheetmusicplus.com, where you can order and download all sorts of music your child might want to play. If these and music-making activities, such as playing with other people, form a greater part of your children’s music learning, they are unlikely to get bored and want to give up.

how do you choose a suitable teacher?

Make sure the teacher you choose is open to discussing and implementing an approach that best suits your child’s wants and abilities. Try and find a teacher who thinks outside the box and does not focus solely on mastering set pieces. Learning to improvise, playing music by ear, learning the latest pop tunes, playing jazz, and composing are fun activities.

Avoid teachers who only teach children how to prepare for exams. Practising three exam pieces for six to nine months is soul destroying. Some teachers want to enhance their reputation, so they put too much emphasis on exams

top tips for encouraging your child(ren) to practise • Let children put fun stickers on a calendar for each day they practise.

• Encourage children to practise before being allowed to do a favourite activity.

• Break up practice sessions into smaller time slots focusing on different tasks.

• If a piece is difficult, help them to break it down into smaller sections so it is less daunting and they are able to feel they have achieved something sooner.

• Do not force or threaten children into practising. This will create a lasting negative attitude.

• Do not criticise a child’s playing. Always find something positive to say.

• If they appear to be fooling around, do not tell them to practise properly. Fooling around can be good practice too, as long as it is not the only thing they do.

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in order to get all their pupils to excel. Their anxiety transfers to their pupils and the need to excel is driven by the teacher rather than the pupil. Annette, 44, recalls how she never had to ask her daughter to practise until the teacher began to make a huge issue about doing well in exams. “Before, my daughter was internally motivated. The moment exams were introduced, practising became an issue.”

Avoid teachers who won’t let your children move onto new pieces because they can’t play an existing piece perfectly. They will become bored quickly and want to give up. If a child is not ready for a more challenging piece, the teacher can extend the child laterally by developing other skills and extending the child’s repertoire of pieces at an easier level.

Don’t let your children tackle pieces beyond their capability. This often happens with talented youngsters.

The temptation to give children more difficult pieces to show off their virtuosity may destroy their blossoming talent. When pieces are technically too difficult, children struggle. Overextending a child, in order to master a piece, often leads to frustration, boredom, dissatisfaction and burnout. If the child struggles, this also leads to a sense of failure. The child thinks: “If my teacher has given me this piece, I should be able to master it, so what is wrong with me?” If the child manages to play the piece, a combination of nerves and not being fully in control technically often leads to performance disasters. This unnerves children, making them more prone to nerves and panic attacks in performances. Ultimately, a child’s nerves overcome the ability to play in public or in exams.

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what instrument is appropriate for your child?

Some children seem to have more aptitude for string instruments, others for wind instruments. Some children take naturally to the piano, while others may not be as adept at the hand coordination it requires. When choosing the piano, remember it is primarily a solo instrument and playing it can be a lonely business. Create chances for your child to play duets and accompany other children on the piano. However, a basic knowledge of the piano is vital for many aspects of music, such as composing. Playing a wind or string instrument means your child can participate in a band or an orchestra even at beginner’s level. Not every child feels comfortable playing solo. Playing with an accompanist or with a group is a lot less nerve-racking and a lot more fun.

when is it appropriate for your child to stop lessons?

This decision depends on what your children wish to achieve and why you supported them learning music in the first place. Beth Luey and Stella Saperstein, in their book The Harmonious Child: Every Parent’s Guide to Musical Instruments, Teachers, and Lessons, suggest that when

children are able to play with ease, have reasonable sightreading skills, know the basics of music theory, can tackle a piece of music on their own with the correct rhythm and phrasing, and enjoy music, then they are musically literate.

Some children may want to go further and make a career out of music, while others who choose a different career can still play in a band or an orchestra or create their own music group. Their ability to continue along a path of their choosing and enjoy music-making means they have a lifelong skill that will give them great pleasure. The time they spent and your investment should never be considered a waste.

what should your role as a parent be?

It is important for parents to examine their motivations for encouraging their child to learn a musical instrument. Is it for the child’s enrichment? Do you want your child to become an accomplished musician, or do your ambitions go even further? Perhaps a Mozart, a Yehudi Menuhin, a Yo-Yo Ma or an Arthur Rubinstein? What parent doesn’t dream of their childreen getting up on stage and wowing everyone with their virtuosity? Does your desire stem from an unfulfilled ambition or a need to boost your selfesteem? Children tend to take on, and try to fulfil, their

recommended reading and resources • The Harmonious Child: Every Parent’s Guide to Musical Instruments, Teachers, and Lessons by Beth Luey and Stella Saperstein (Ten Speed Press/Celestial Arts, 2003).

• Raising Musical Kids: A Guide For Parents by Dr Robert Cutietta (Oxford University Press, 2001).

• pianoeducation.org, by John Ziegler and Nancy Ostromencki, offers lots of good ideas regarding how to assist children to learn and perform successfully.

• sheetmusicplus.com is a site where you can download and order music that is adapted for different levels. If you order music, you pay the cost of the book plus $8,99 (approximately R80) for postage. Delivery takes one to three weeks.

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parents’ expectations. Ambitious and pushy parents result in children denying their own aspirations and extending themselves beyond their ability and what they can really cope with. Joburg piano teacher, Lorna Heher, says: “The worst thing parents can do is to mould their child’s progress according to their own expectations.” Not every child is soloist material. Some children are simply uncomfortable with performing solo. Other children find the endless repetition involved in mastering an instrument not sufficiently intellectually stimulating. It is crucial for children to discover and realise their own potential and find ways of music-making that match who they are.

Heather Brookes trained as a pianist but changed careers in her early 20s to pursue a career as an anthropological linguist, specialising in nonverbal communication.

expert advice from a Joburg-based piano teacher • Daily practice is not essential for the young beginner.

• Do not expect a young child to ‘practise’ alone.

Young children aren’t sent off to do their reading and other homework by themselves.

• Do not expect a child to practise at the end of a long day.

• Avoid using the word “practising” too often. Rather use “playing”.

• Buy or hire a good instrument for your child to play.

A bad-sounding instrument only discourages a child.

• Photocopied music cannot replace the enjoyment of an appropriate music book.

November 2009

39

getaway

wooed by the

West Coast

If you’re lucky enough to holiday in the Mother City, break away for a weekend in the country. MAGGIE MOUTON took a trip and found

Above: The restored farm buildings at !Khwa ttu are centred around a typically bare werf (yard).

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November 2009

ith plenty of space for children to roam, the San centre at !Khwa ttu and the environs of Darling, both about an hour’s drive from Cape Town, offer wholesome getaways for families who want to spend time in nature and enjoy good food and wine.

Much of !Khwa ttu’s appeal lies in the simplicity of the surrounding countryside.

Formerly a wheat farm, this 850-hectare

nature reserve is characterised by gentle undulating hills and hazy vistas over the Atlantic Ocean – from Table Mountain in the south to Langebaan Lagoon in the north.

The San-owned and -operated cultural centre is also a training centre for the San, who – at !Khwa ttu, at least – call themselves Bushmen. San from as far afield as Kimberley, the Kalahari and

even the Caprivi attend formal courses here and do on-the-job-training in, among other things, the hospitality industry and entrepreneurship.

Of special interest are the San guided tours, which entail a trailer-and-tractor ride along farm roads – a sure delight for any child. During the bumpy ride, the guides point out zebra, bontebok and herds of bounding springbok – indigenous

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PHOTOGRAPHS: MAGGIE MOUTON

w

two family-friendly spots right on Cape Town’s doorstep.

They demonstrate the use of ancient tools, including igniting a fire with sticks (no matches in sight!). species reintroduced in recent years. The land is being rehabilitated, they explain, pointing to the clearing of alien trees, to restore the fynbos.

During a short nature walk, the guides identify various tracks in the sand – all remarkably delicate, considering the size of the animals, particularly the eland. The winding trail leads to a replica traditional village, which, in the silence of the veld, seems eerily real. This is where, not so long ago, the now-extinct IXam San and their neighbours the Khoi lived and roamed.

While we are seated around a smoky fire, the guides – dressed in game-ranger uniforms and speaking in the round, earthy tones of their native Northern Cape – relate aspects of Bushmen heritage. When they demonstrate the use of ancient tools, including igniting a fire with sticks (no matches in sight!), we look on somewhat disbelievingly, only to gasp in wonder as the first smoke swirls up from the wood.

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On our last visit we were lucky to have four massive eland – traditionally the Bushmen’s most revered animal – munching away at the trees around the enclosure, almost as if eavesdropping.

And on a morning hike along the Eland Trail, the children managed to get within metres of four lazily grazing zebra – a true digicam moment.

We went back up to the top of the hill where a collection of beautifully restored

West Coast farm buildings surround a typically bare werf (yard). Here longsuffering parents can reward themselves with Swiss chef Vivienne’s gourmet take on springbok pie, smoked-eland pasta or roasted organic veggies (grown at !Khwa ttu). The cosy restaurant with its stone walls and beautifully proportioned sash windows and French doors, plus a welcoming log fire in winter, offers a child-friendly menu and some lovely regional wines – all as reasonably priced as the food.

Apart from an insightful photo gallery depicting San life, past and present, the centre also has a crafts shop, specialising in authentic San-produced items and textiles. Guests who’d love to linger in the farm-like atmosphere, can overnight at the cottage-style guesthouse below the restaurant. It sleeps six at only R750 per night and is simply but cosily furnished, with a huge fireplace in the kitchen and views all round.

Below left: The view from the veld toilet or “cloakrooms” at the boma, an open-air venue on the highest hill.

Below: A bird hide next to the stream provides endless entertainment for adventurous children – once they’ve overcome their fear of the scarecrow inside.

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41

do it in Darling

Above: Painter Elmie Smit’s quaint Greek-style studio at the end of High Street. The studio is just one of 13 artist studios listed on the Darling Art Route Map.

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From !Khwa ttu, it’s another 20 kilometres or so to Darling, arguably one of South Africa’s most transformed dusty dorpies – certainly since its famous citizen Pieter-Dirk Uys set up a theatre of camp, kitsch and politics in the old defunct train station.

Thanks to Tannie Evita’s effervescent charm, Evita se Perron is flourishing. It is a hub of creative enterprise – and social transformation. And with its fake flowers, wacky cement sculpture and silly water features the adjacent Boerrassic Park appeals to children of all ages.

A closer look at the Darling calendar reveals that this is The Village of Festivals, starting with a music festival in February and ending with the rowdy Rocking the Daisies in October. But it’s September that takes the cake with attractions every weekend, beginning with the unique Voorkamerfest – an arts festival that takes place in people’s lounges, or front rooms – from Victorian mansions to township shacks. Members of the audience buy tickets, hop on a taxi and get dropped off at various homes to attend shows in

Above: A trip down nostalgia lane, a landmark in the village – Leon Lewis’s pottery shop in Station Road has been in business for 26 years. The house dates back to 1853 and is one of the oldest buildings in Darling.

pot-luck style. You can’t choose which show you want to see – yet every year this festival is sold out months in advance.

Adding to the spring feast of local art is the on-the-ball Darling Art Gallery, whose Art Route Map allows you to visit 13 established artists in their studios, among them former art lecturer Andrew Munnik in the restored mission church, the acclaimed Nicolaas Maritz at Mamba Art, township artist Sandy Esau who

exports worldwide, potter Leon Lewis, whose shop in Station Road has been a familiar sight for 26 years, and Elmie Smit, whose decorative celebrations of flowers, vases and African fabrics all but sold out at her 2008 exhibition. Her quaint Greekstyle studio is at the end of High Street, across the road from fellow artist Nina van der Westhuizen.

But still the pick of the bunch is the annual Wild Flower Show – now in its 92nd

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The Darling calendar reveals that this is The Village of Festivals, starting with a music festival in February and ending with the rowdy Rocking the Daisies in October. year – a true plattelandse event involving food tents (think potjiekos and braaivleis), craft stalls, tractor rides and an impressive indoor display of some 300 species of wild flowers exuding a heady fynbos-andhoney scent.

Features like rock pools, stuffed animals, tortoise shells and the occasional shed snake skin keep children curious and entertained. This hugely popular event coincides with an equally abundant Orchid Show at Duckitt Nurseries, South Africa’s biggest orchid nursery, just outside the village on the R307.

Several farms and reserves are open to the public in spring, allowing families and bus-loads of pensioners to get up close to fields of kelkiewyn, bobbejaantjies and kalkoentjies and the endangered lachenalia, found only in the Renosterveld, areas of which have been mercifully preserved here.

If the verdant veld doesn’t cure your winter blues, then any of Darling’s four

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wine estates, known for their good-value wines, just might. Don’t miss historic Groote Post (circa 1706) along the scenic Darling Hills Road.

Its stately Cape Dutch wine cellar produces a delectable Sauvignon Blanc and affordable Old Man’s Blends and its award-winning Hilda’s Kitchen counts among the region’s best farm restaurants, as do the seasonal lunches at Cloof Wine Estate (en route to Malmesbury).

Another beautifully renovated venue well worth visiting is Darling Olives (on the R315), where visitors can try lip-smacking olive products such as pastes, chutneys, jams and even chocolate bars.

Back in the village, The Marmalade Cat (try their chicken pie) and Simoné’s

Restaurant, combine arty décor with great food and sunny patios. Fittingly, the enterprising Mantis Mall with its antiques, quaint tea garden-cum-nursery and superefficient bookshop, The Book League, is two steps away from the famous Perron – where it all began with a Tannie leading the way: Get creative, skatties!

where to stop, stay and fill up The Farmyard (opposite Melkbos turn-off): Great atmosphere and bakery, breakfasts and lunches, jungle gym, jumping castle and farmyard birds Vygevalley Farm Stall (opposite Jakkalsfontein turn-off): Sunny tea garden, aromatic coffee, freshly baked cakes and bread !Khwa ttu San Centre khwattu.org Tel: 022 492 2998 Darling Tourism darlingtourism.co.za Tel: 022 492 3361 Recommended Guesthouses Trinity Lodge (from R300 pp sharing, B&B); Darling Lodge (from R325 pp sharing). self-catering: Waylands farmhouse (R230 pp sharing.)

Above left: Another positive spin-off of Evita se Perron’s success – Mantis Mall is a beehive of creativity, comprising an antique shop, nursery, funky tea garden and The Book League – arguably one of the best bookshops in the Western Cape.

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books

the good for toddlers

A Time for Fairies

By Kirsten Miller (Reach Publishers, R129) For a short time in the life of every child, it’s possible to create wonder and magic. This book does just that. A little girl experiences the joy of creating a fairy garden, and to her amazement finds a letter from the fairies addressed to her. It is a story of magic and mystery, inspiring us to keep the wonder within our children alive for just a little bit longer. Beautifully illustrated with bright colours and big, lively pictures by Shayle Bester, A Time for Fairies will especially have young girls enchanted. Books can be ordered from atimeforfairies.co.za

Ian Beck’s Fairy Tales

By Ian Beck (Oxford University Press, R153) This collection of five fairy tales from Ian Beck, one of the most celebrated children’s writers and illustrators, is a wonderful, inspiring read. Children can follow Red Riding Hood on her eventful journey to her grandmother’s cottage, join forces with the villagers who come together to pull up an enormous turnip, run around with the Gingerbread Boy, toss and turn with the princess whose sleep is disturbed by a pea and join the three little pigs as they try to outwit the wolf. Every child should have a collection of fairy tales on their bookshelf.

Little by Little

By Amber Stewart & Layn Marlow (Oxford University Press, R94) Scramble the otter can’t swim, which is a bit of a problem. Have you ever heard of an otter that cannot swim? There are plenty of things on his can-do list, but on his can’t-do list, swimming remains his biggest obstacle. Little by little, he becomes more confident in the water and, soon, with the help of his sister, he is splashing about with his friends. At the heart of this gentle story about learning a new skill is its message of encouragement for toddlers. As Scramble’s sister says: “You see. You started small … and finished big.”

Thomas & Friends: The Railway Stories Read by Michael Angelis

audio book

(BBC Audio, R132,95) These three stories from the bestselling Railway Series are read by Michael Angelis, the narrator of TV’s Thomas & Friends series. Stories included are Four Little Engines, where little ones are introduced to four new engines: Skarloey, Rheneas, Sir Handel and Peter Sam; Percy the Small Engine: Percy is the youngest and probably cheekiest of all the engines; and The Eight Famous Engines, where Percy’s curiosity gets the better of him, and all the engines get to go to London. Music, sound effects and original Thomas & Friends songs are included.

This audio book is available from all leading bookstores as well as the Listener’s Library.

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book guide for early graders Bettina Valentino and the Picasso Club

By Niki Daly

pick of the month

(Farrar Straus Giroux, R102) In his first chapter book, award-winning author and illustrator, Niki Daly tells the story of Bettina Valentino, a budding young artist who likes art that jumps off the wall and hits people in the eye like a wound-up ninja. But at Bayside Preparatory School, Bettina’s art is not appreciated by her very prim and proper art teacher. When the school hires a new art teacher – Mr Popart, who is full of inspiring lessons and walks around barefoot to soak up the energy of the Earth – Bettina is in art heaven. Until some parents start complaining about Mr Popart and want him kicked out of school. It’s time for Bettina and her art-loving friends to save Mr Popart. There are some fantastically unique and refreshing characters in this little book. Young readers will absolutely love Bettina.

(I Am Reading) Doughnut Danger

By Anthony Masters (Macmillan Children’s Books, R90) The I Am Reading books now come with a CD so children can follow the story word for word. Providing the right mix of support and challenge for newly independent readers, this series bridges the gap between picture books and chapter books. In Doughnut Danger, Ricky’s rat gang is back to cause trouble. The mice trio – Max, Molly and Mel – has just moved into the doughnut factory and no rat is going to make their lives miserable. Easyto-read type makes reading this book a pleasure.

(I Am Reading) Jumping Jack

By A.H. Benjamin (Macmillan Children’s Books, R75) In another I Am Reading book, Jack can’t stop himself from jumping through the town. When his uncle tells him not to eat the special jumping beans, Jack can’t resist and pops them into his mouth immediately, with disastrous and hilarious results. Each page is filled with brilliant colour pictures and easy-to-read type. The chapters are short and numbered and the sentences clear and simple. The I Am Reading series also offers tips for beginner readers.

Oxford Children’s History of the World

By Neil Grant (Oxford University Press, R130) This book covers the entire history of the human race, with illustrations and easy-to-use chapters. It’s well written and clearly organised and will serve as a lasting information resource. There is substantial coverage of each topic, with feature panels that focus on the detail of the subject. Photographs, illustrations and maps bring the events to life. The comprehensive glossary and index make for easy research. There is also an illustrated timeline that places events in chronological perspective for young learning minds. This book is a must-have for projects and a real contribution to children’s understanding of the past. joburg’s

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books continued... for pre-teens and teens The Mummy Snatcher of Memphis

By Natasha Narayan (Quercus, R111) In the first book of the series, you will meet Kit Salter, a girl with a taste for adventure. Kit and her friends Waldo, Isaac and Rachel peek at a famed mummy in an Oxford museum. They are shocked to hear rattles and groans coming from a large packing case. The friends are soon entangled in a mystery that takes them from London’s East End to the burning Egyptian desert. Over the course of further books they will travel by yak, camel and steamship to China, Tibet and India. This is an adventure novel in the true sense of the word.

Genes for Teens

By Dr Nonhlanhla P Khumalo (Yigugu Publishers, R180) This book introduces genes and their widespread influence on teenagers. It takes the form of laidback discussions around sex, pregnancy, hormones and skin colour – and encourages readers to live purposeful lives. The book sets out to demystify topics that affect teenagers in a manner that is scientific yet interesting. Sections of the book may be a little taxing for young readers, but children as young as 12 years old will understand most of it.

Nonhlanhla Khumalo has a degree in medicine and surgery from the University of KwaZulu-Natal, and graduated with a PhD from UCT. Order the book from On The Dot: email direct.sales@onthedot.co.za

The Eyeball Collector

By F.E. Higgins (Macmillan Children’s Books, R135) When his butterfly-collector father is swindled to within an inch of his life, a vengeful Hector leaves the city of Urbs Umida in pursuit of a fiendish villain with a glass eye. The trail leads to Withypitts Hall, a foreboding Gothic mansion as warped as its inhabitants and their secret schemes. Soon Hector finds himself embroiled in mysterious deeds more poisonous than his worst imaginings. In the end, Hector must choose between his desire for revenge and his father’s advice not to become like those who wronged him — but his choice doesn’t prevent the climactic end…

Flying for Frankie

By Pauline Fisk (Faber and Faber, R107) Charis Watts’s life is painfully ordinary. Watching TV and following her older brother around is about as exciting as it gets. Frankie Bradley, though, lives the life of a princess.

With her rich parents, posh schools and fancy clothes, she seems to have it all. Despite their differences, the girls become best friends, forming a bond that fills the loneliness they each feel deep inside. But when Frankie becomes ill, their bond is put to the test. This wonderful novel is the story of two girls learning to live life to the fullest in the face of terminal illness.

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for us The Lady and the Poet

By Maeve Haran (Pan Macmillan, R100) Set against the intrigues of the dying years of Elizabeth’s reign, The Lady and the Poet tells the passionate story of the forbidden love between the poet John Donne and Ann More, a girl who dared to rebel against the conventions of her time. Ann is handsome rather than beautiful, and has an indomitable spirit, which endears her to her grandfather, who encourages her to learn. Against all odds, the love between John and Ann flourishes even when faced with vehement opposition from his patrons and her family.

Theirs was a marriage of minds and true hearts.

South Africans In London

By Gary Robertson (Reach Publishers, R204) This book contains a wealth of information about ex-South Africans living in London. These are not backpackers or people on their two-year gap holiday, but former South Africans who have lived in London for years. They talk about their social and business lives in London, friends and family, property, accommodation, holidays, sport, work, networking, children, schooling, healthcare and transport. This is the first in a series of books about South Africans in cities around the world. Future titles will include South Africans in Auckland, among others.

The Manual that never came with your Child

By Jane Jarvis & Debbie de Jong (Struik Publishers, R127) Jane Jarvis, an educational psychologist, and Debbie de Jong, a remedial therapist, have the remedy for parents and caregivers struggling to cope with the demands of modernday living. The book gives guidance to help them raise happy, well-adjusted and independent children. Written in layman’s terms, the book is generously interspersed with humour and full-colour cartoons and photographs. It provides practical advice on a range of topics from how to improve your child’s ability to plan, to helping your child tackle homework, sensible discipline, what food to serve to optimise brain power and much more.

featured book Café food at home

By Gael Oberholzer (Struik Lifestyle, R119) This is a practical cookbook based on the bistro-café principles of preparing key ingredients in advance, and using them to create a variety of dishes. It will guide you to making bistro-style food at home, such as imaginative wraps, superb salads and traditional comfort food. The recipes are easy and suit today’s on-the-go lifestyle.

A handy list of store-cupboard essentials is included. Gael Oberholzer is a selftaught cook with a passion for fresh, tasty food and she was the chef-patron of the Gourmet Coffee House in Cape Town. Café Food at Home also offers delicious treats, perfect for birthday parties.

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calendar

november

For a free listing, email your event to joburg@childmag.co.za or fax it to 011 234 4971. Information must be received by 10 November for the December/January issue and must include all relevant details. No guarantee can be given that it will be published. COMPILED BY CHAREEN PENDERIS

1 sunday

Angels walking is an initiative in aid of breast cancer awareness. Walkers are encouraged to complete a 4.2km walk wearing pink clothing and angel wings.

There is children’s entertainment and a healthy living village as well as several items on auction. Time: registration from 8am. Venue: Kyalami Grand Prix Circuit, Allandale Rd, Midrand. Cost: R60 for ages 5–15 and R120 for ages 16 and older. For more info: visit angelswalking.co.za

3 November – Cats

There’s an elf invasion at Build-A-Bear Workshop®. Santa needs help this festive season, so let your children come and express themselves at your nearest store during November and December. Santa’s Workshop will be filled with lots to do − children can even create their very own Hal and Holly furry friends, launching in-store on 11 November. Join the Pawsome Club™ to get all the latest news from Build-A-Bear Workshop® and have fun online at buildabearville. com. For more info: 08611BEARS (23277)

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Bat cave adventure Enter through the roof of a cavern and see the world below your feet on a torch lit tour.

Overalls, helmets and torches supplied for the adventure. Suitable for children 8 years and up. Time: 11:30am. Venue: Krugersdorp area. Directions to be emailed when booking. Cost: R200. For more info: 082 486 2464, email info@wildcaves.co.za or visit wildcaves.co.za Maropeng buffet lunch Relax and unwind to the sounds of guitar and marimba over Sunday lunch. Time: noon– 3pm. Cost: adults R110. Venue: Tumulus Restaurant, Maropeng, just off the R563 Hekpoort Rd, Hekpoort. For more info: visit maropeng.co.za Market in the park This popular monthly market is filled with crafts, jewellery, games, tasty treats and more. Time: 9am–noon.

Venue: River Café grounds, Field and Study Centre, Louise Ave, Parkmore. Cost: free

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PHOTOGRAPHS: WWW.COMSTOCKCOMPLETE.COM, WWW.SXC.HU

what’s on in

entry. Contact: 011 465 1281, 083 655 8012 or email info@employability.org.za

2 monday

4 November – Beauty and the B.E.E

Runnin’ Rebels Soccer is a development programme to promote and develop soccer skills for children 3–13 years. Time: varies. Venue: Parkmore, Fairmount, Balfour Park, Zoo Lake. Cost: varies. Contact Alan: 072 501 5444, email info@runninrebels.co.za or visit runninrebels.co.za

3 tuesday

Cats is an Andrew Lloyd-Webber classic.

The junkyard set is transformed into a mystical night-time playground for cats of all shapes and sizes. Meet Rum Tum Tugger and Old Deuteronomy, Mungojerrie and Grizabella, to name a few. You’ll be sure to leave the theatre with a skip in your step.

Ends 22 November. Time: 8pm. Venue: The Teatro at Montecasino. Cost: 100–R380.

Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

4 wednesday

Pinocchio For the first time, Janice Honeyman’s annual pantomime will feature the SA Ballet Theatre. This year’s feature is the story of Geppetto’s son Pinocchio, a wooden puppet, desperate to become a real boy. As usual, this version promises a traditional South African flavour and

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loads of laughs. Ends 3 January. Time: 7:30pm. Venue: The Mandela at Joburg Theatre. Cost: R124–R201. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 The New Beauty and the B.E.E A Magical Moments fundraiser to assist children living with life-threatening social diseases. Janice Honeyman’s satirical play about Beauty Ramapelepele, a savvy businesswoman who built an empire on the philosophy, “Invest in Africa – buy a politician”. Venue: Old Mutual Theatre, Sandton Square. Time: 7pm. Cost: R200. For more info: 083 324 0320 or email info@magicalmoments.co.za

5 thursday

It Takes 2 is a 90-minute musical journey from Bothaville to Buenos Aires, and from

bossa nova to blues. Pianist Rocco de Villiers and guitarist Robert Mitchley bring you an acoustic collection featuring new, old and original music. Ends 22 November.

Time: varies. Venue: Montecasino Theatre.

Cost: varies. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or visit computicket.com The Order of St John Christmas Fair Get a head start to your Christmas shopping with goodies ranging from clothing, linen and home fragrance to wine and whisky.

A tea garden will be open for shoppers to enjoy a leisurely bite to eat. Time: 9am–

7

Saturday

–

Dora

the

5pm (Thursday and Friday), 9am–noon (Saturday). Venue: Glenshiel, 19 Woolston Rd, Westcliff. Cost: free entry. Contact Tamara: 011 784 8334, 083 259 4269 or email tamara@salleamanger.co.za

6 friday

Angela Day Kitchen For those who need to eliminate gluten or wheat from their diets but struggle to find successful replacments and recipes for everyday use. Simplify your search and efforts and enjoy tried and tested recipes for baked fare. Time: 10am−noon.

Explorer

is a

half-hour animated children’s television series starring a seven-year-old Latina girl and her friends. The show is designed to engage preschoolers in a play along, computer-style adventure. This very popular TV character comes alive when Dora visits several malls in Gauteng where children can look forward to meeting

her.

Time:

10am. Venue: Toys R US, Stoneridge. Time: 1pm–1:30pm. Venue: Pick n Pay, Greenstone Mall

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Venue: Angela Day Kitchen, Lifestyle Garden Centre. Cost: R200; booking essential.

Contact Elinor: 011 791 1304 or email angeladay@telkomsa.net Walkhaven Dog Park quiz night Assist the Vulture Programme to raise funds at this dinner and quiz night. Cody, the baby Cape Vulture, ambassador of the Vulture Programme, will be the special guest along with professional quiz master, Mark Taylor, who’ll be on hand to guide an evening of mind-boggling questions. Time: 7pm. Venue: Walkhaven Dog Park, plot 77, Zwartkop. Cost: R100 for dinner (cash bar available). Contact: 071 212 9955 Granny and toddler morning A morning of fun crafts for grannies and tots.

Time: 8:30am. Venue: I Play, 136 Kayburne Ave, Randpark Ridge. Cost: R80 includes coffee and craft. Contact Annemarie: 011 792 0377

7 November – Momentum 94.7 Children’s Cycle Challenge

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Country Playden Christmas fair market Browse through country crafts for that elusive Christmas gift. Lots of entertainment for the children as well as a variety of refreshments. Time: 3pm. Venue: 178 Longleat Ave, Chartwell. Cost: free entry. Contact Bridget: 072 551 4179

9 November – Baby massage classes

7 saturday

Irene Xmas Market and picnic concert Browse through the Irene Craft and Deli Market, fill up your picnic basket in the deli, and walk over to the events area for an unplugged picnic concert. Don’t forget your blanket, chairs and sunscreen. Also 14, 21 and 28 November. Time: 9am– 5pm. Venue: Smuts House Museum, Irene.

Cost: R50 (Computicket), R100 (gate), R5 (parking). Contact Josene or Anita: 012 667 1659, email irenemkt@mweb.co.za or visit irenemarket.co.za Santa’s Music Box is a musical adventure for all ages. With Christmas around the corner, it’s time for the North Pole elves to spring into action and start the toy making proceedings. Elves need to be happy when at work and they are at their happiest when singing along together in harmony. Time: varies. Venue: Barnyard Theatres. Cost: from R45. For more info: visit barnyardtheatre.co.za Momentum 94.7 Children’s Cycle Challenge Budding tricyclists and cyclists can take to the roads in Joburg’s biggest children’s cycle challenge. Remember to

pack those helmets and of course some running shoes for mom and dad. Time: registration from 8am. Venue: Waterfall Estate, Kyalami. Cost: R90. For more info: visit cyclechallenge.co.za Midrand Urban Market Fun activities, stalls, jumping castles, pony rides, climbing wall and food delis. Time: 9am–4pm.

Venue: 64 Main Rd, Crowthorne, Midrand.

Cost: R5 parking. For more info: 083 810 8643, email admin@urbanmarket.co.za or visit urbanmarket.co.za Little Cooks Club Granny and Granddad’s class Let your little one spend some quality time with Granny and Granddad while learning about good food and nutrition. Time: noon–1pm. Cost: R120. Contact Deborah: 082 874 2851 or email deborahg@littlecooksclub.co.za

8 sunday

Zoo trot A 5km or 10km trot around the zoo. Time: 7am for 7:30am. Venue: meet in the car park at Johannesburg Zoo, Forest Town. Cost: R30. For more info: 011 646 2000 or visit jhbzoo.org.za Holistic Fayre A full day of holistic fun and entertainment for the whole family. Time: 9am–4pm. Venue: Blairgowrie Recreation Centre, Park Lane, Blairgowrie. Cost: adults R10, children free. Contact Danie: 083 417 7236, email info@fayre.co.za or visit fayre.co.za Papachinos Restaurant offers an indoor and outdoor eating area with a huge children’s jungle gym, bicycle track and pizza making area for the little ones. Time: 8:30am–6:30pm. Venue: 40 Whisken Ave, Crowthorne. For more info: 011 702 1234

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9 monday

Baby massage classes A certified infant massage instructor will teach parents about the benefits of baby massage, baby relaxation and improved sleeping patterns.

Booking essential. Time: 10:30am. Venue: Baby Connexion, Fourways. Cost: R50.

Contact Tammy: 083 449 3555 Seussical Jr – The Musical Explore the witty and wild musical world of Dr. Seuss as never seen before. Featuring The Cat in the Hat and other favourites. Ends 24

10 tuesday

Smudge is a children’s art centre offering an interactive music room, children’s book lounge, fantasy dress up area, party room and a coffee shop. Aimed at children of all ages, Smudge offers children the space and opportunity to develop and express their creativity. Art activities are not restricted to paper and children can draw on the walls, the tables, rearrange the giant felt wall and, in effect, redesign the interior daily. Time: 10am–5pm. Venue: Valley Centre, 396 Jan Smuts Ave, Craighall Park. Cost: free entry for accompanying adult, children R100 for first hour and R50 for every hour thereafter. Contact Sandra: 011 501 0234 or visit smudgeart.co.za

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December. Time: varies. Venue: National Children’s Theatre, 3 Junction Ave, Parktown. Cost: adults R70, children R60.

Contact Sue or Miranda: 011 484 1584, email admin@jyt.co.za or visit jyt.co.za

11 wednesday

Make your own Christmas gifts Joan Launspach gives her annual talk and demo on making inexpensive Christmas gifts.

Tea or coffee and cake included. Time: 10am. Venue: Zest, Ngwenya Glass, Beyers Naudé Dr, Muldersdrift. Cost: R65. Contact Annemarie: 084 607 4291 Whisky Live Festival Now in its seventh year, this festival has grown into the largest whisky and lifestyle event of its kind. Ends 14 November. Time: 6pm–10pm. Venue: Sandton Convention Centre. Cost: various 11 November – Whisky Live Festival

ticketing options. For more info: visit whiskylivefestival.co.za Birds and Bees Workshop In a world where children are bombarded with sexual issues, parents need to know how to handle sex-related questions. This twohour workshop is aimed at parents of children 3–12 years. Time: 9am–10:30am.

Venue: Bella Vida Centre, 268 Bryanston Dr, Bryanston. Cost: R350. For more info: 011 463 4438 or visit bellavidacentre.co.za

12 thursday

Decadence Christmas Fair to raise funds for Animals in Distress. Enjoy a leisurely browse through various stalls.

Complimentary food and drinks are available and a cocktail party ends the day. Time: 9am–8pm. Venue: 58 Hume Rd, Dunkeld, Cost: R50. For more info: 011 447 2866 Craft sale All sorts of crafts for sale; all for under R50. Time: 8am–5pm. Venue: Funky Craft, Parkhurst. Cost: free entry. Contact Nanine: 083 676 6188 Scrapbook workshop A workshop to demonstrate new tools, products and techniques. Add your personal touch to Christmas cards, gift wrapping and decorations. Time: 5:30pm–8:30pm. Venue: Scrapbook Emporium, Design Quarter, Fourways. Cost: free entry. Contact: 011 465 9349

13 friday

God of Carnage The play that has already taken the West End and Broadway by storm. Two sets of parents meet up to deal with the unruly behaviour of their children.

Will this be a calm and rational debate between grown-ups about the need to teach children how to behave properly, or a hysterical night of name calling, tantrums and tears? Time: 8pm. Venue: Main Theatre at Montecasino. Cost: R125.

Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 Creative gardening course Book now for your nursery or primary school. Children can paint a flower pot, plant a seedling or make a Mr Potato Head. Time: 8am−3pm. Venue: Little Green Fingers will come to a venue of your choice. Cost: R30 per child. Contact: 082 443 2538 or email info@littlegreenfingers.co.za

14 saturday

A-Plus décor workshop Enjoy a morning of interactive DIY décor and food demonstrations. Learn how to turn the ordinary into the extraordinary. Lunch and goodie bags included. Time: 9am–2pm.

Venue: The Campus, Bryanston. Cost: members R75, non-members R85. Contact Ayanda: 021 417 1265 Bird Walk Well-known bird expert, Geoff Lockwood, takes you on an early

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Moonlight Mazes A unique opportunity to wander through traditional mazes lit only by moonlight and fairy lights. The elemental maze is constructed of reed walls and contains five secret gardens themed around the elements – earth, air, fire, water and the Garden of Reflection.

Fun for all ages. Time: 5:15pm. Venue: 82 Boland St (just off Beyers Naudé Dr), Honeydew. Cost: adults R70, children R65.

For more info: 010 222 0075 or visit honeydewmazes.co.za The Parlotones World Tour To celebrate and promote their album, The Parlotones embark on their biggest international tour to date. Time: 8pm. Venue: Coca-Cola Dome, Northgate. Cost: R166–R218. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or visit computicket.com

14 October – Powerful Parent Powerful Child workshop This full day workshop teaches parents about the world and dynamics of their children and families. Every family has a perfect balance of equal support and challenge, pain and pleasure, positives and negatives.

Parents learn how to understand their children and their family dynamics.

Time: 8am. Venue: Bella Vida Centre, 268 Bryanston Dr, Bryanston. Cost: R1 400. For more info: 011 463 4438 or visit bellavidacentre.co.za morning walk through the gardens.

Time: 6am. Venue: Walter Sisulu National Botanical Garden, Malcolm Rd, Poortview, Roodepoort. Cost: adults R23, children R7. For more info: 086 100 1278 or visit sanbi.org Dora the Explorer is a half-hour animated children’s television series starring a sevenyear-old Latina girl and her friends. The show is designed to engage preschoolers in a play along, computer style adventure.

This very popular TV character comes alive when Dora visits several malls in Gauteng where children can look forward to meeting her. Time: 10am. Venue: Toys R Us, Sandton City. Time: noon–12:30pm.

Venue: Toyzone Cedar Square

15 sunday

Friends of the rail Take a trip back in time on an authentic, restored vintage steam train. Set out in the cool of a Highveld morning for your two-hour train ride. Enjoy lunch at either Willem Prinsloo Farm Museum or stay on the train all the way through to the historic Cullinan Village and enjoy lunch at a restaurant under the oak trees. Time: 8:30am–5pm. Venue: Hermanstad Depot (Tshwane). For more info: 012 548 4090 or visit friendsoftherail.co.za Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge Gauteng’s biggest cycle race returns to the streets of Joburg. If you’re not cycling then head to the closest viewing point with sunscreen and a picnic basket and enjoy all the day’s fun action. Time: 5:30am.

Venue: starts from Waterfall Estate, Kyalami.

Cost: R90 for cyclists. For more info: visit cyclechallenge.co.za

16 monday

Kasabow Book Store offers a selection of children’s books, crafts and occasional book and author readings. Time: 9am–5pm (Monday–Friday), 9am–3pm (Saturday).

Venue: Riverview Centre, Conrad Dr, Craighall Park. For more info: 011 326 0782 or visit kasabow.co.za Angel Wings Collect a pledge card and make a child’s dream come true with a

15 November – Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge

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18 November – Festive Inspirations

very special Christmas gift. Time: 8:30am– 5pm. Venue: Fountain Court, Bryanston Shopping Centre. Cost: free entry. Contact: 011 884 6838 or email amori@mseed.co.za

17 tuesday

Bryanston Moonlight markets An early evening family outing in a relaxed outdoor environment. Children can do fun crafts like candle dipping, sand art and jewellery making. There will be crafts on sale, a large variety of food available for dinner and live music. Also 24 November. Time: 5pm–9pm.

Venue: Culross Rd, Bryanston. Cost: free entry. Contact Julie: 011 706 3671 or visit bryanstonorganicmarket.co.za

18 wednesday

Festive inspirations demonstration The end of the year always comes too soon. This course is aimed at helping you to make festive food with a twist.

Also 21 November. Time: 10am–1:30pm.

Venue: Foodlink Cookery School, Beaulieu, Kyalami. Cost: R250. For more info: email jeanri@cookingupastorm.co.za Bambanani Restaurant offers a cosmopolitan and funky fusion atmosphere combined with a children’s play area with child minders. A variety of children’s entertainment on Wednesday. Time: 3pm.

Venue: 85 4th Ave, Melville. For more info: 011 482 2900

19 thursday

Time: 11am–1pm. Venue: Little Stars, 96 6th St, Highlands North. Contact Ilana: 083 286 2223 or email ilanag@global.co.za

20 friday

Powerful Parent Powerful Child workshop This two-part workshop teaches parents about the world and dynamics of their children and families.

Also 27 November. Time: 9am–10:30am.

Venue: Bella Vida Centre, 268 Bryanston Dr, Bryanston. Cost: R1 400. For more info: 011 463 4438 or visit bellavidacentre.co.za Children’s Christmas market Shop for gifts, crafts, cakes, toys and branded clothing items and shoes. Ends 21 November. Time: 10am–6pm. Venue: 45 Kent Rd, Dunkeld.

Cost: free entry. Contact: 082 460 5908

21 saturday

The Mama Bamba Way weekend workshop Birth preparation classes for creating an empowering and transformative birth experience for moms and dads. Time: 10am–5pm. Venue: to be confirmed on booking. Cost: R1 500 per couple. Contact: 011 442 0411, email adinzi@mweb.co.za or visit mamabamba.co.za 21 November – The Mama Bamba Way weekend workshop

Words Bookstore is a French country style bookstore and coffee shop, stocking all the latest books for children and adults as well as gifts and stationery. They have monthly scrapbooking classes and are a popular venue for book club get togethers and children’s storytime. Time: 7:30am– 7pm. Venue: Health Emporium, cnr Church and Market St, Midrand. Contact Maria: 011 315 3801, 082 896 0182 or email maria@wordbookstore.co.za C.A.R.D open day The Centre for Autism and Related Disorders in South Africa invites parents, speech therapists, psychologists, remedial and special needs teachers and other interested parties to attend an open house and presentation. joburg’s

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Powerful Techniques Workshop Parents are taught to exert more parental control, to teach their children to have more control, and how to encourage their self-worth and self-esteem. Time: 9am–1pm. Venue: Bella Vida Centre, 268 Bryanston Dr, Bryanston.

Cost: R600. For more info: 011 463 4438 or visit bellavidacentre.co.za

22 sunday

Lipizzaners Watch as beautiful white stallions perform amazing feats of precision and control in the Ballet of the White Stallion. Time: 10:30am. Venue: Lipizzaner Centre, 1 Dahlia Rd, Kyalami. Cost: R105.

For more info: visit lipizzaners.co.za Croc City Crocodile Farm An opportunity to view crocodiles and hatchlings at close range. The curio shop sells a variety of souvenirs as well as vacuum packed crocodile meat. Time: 9am–4:30pm.

Venue: Old Pretoria Rd, Nietgedacht. Cost: adults R45, children R25. For more info: visit croccity.co.za

23 monday

Scrapbook Emporium is a treasure trove of goodies for scrapbooking enthusiasts.

Time: 9am–5pm. Venue: Level 1, Design Quarter, William Nicol and Lesley Ave East, Fourways. Contact Tiffany: 011 465 9349 or email tiffany@scrapbookemporium.co.za

24 tuesday

Africa Umoja – Spirit of Togetherness Travelling on the beats of drums from the dusty streets of Soweto to all corners of the world’s best and biggest stages, Umoja tells the moving tale of indigenous South African music from the earliest rhythms to kwaito. Children three years and older will also enjoy this eclectic show. Ends 29 November. Time: 8pm. Venue: Victory Theatre, 105 Louis Botha Ave, Houghton Estate. Cost: R115–R223. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or visit computicket.co.za

25 wednesday

Carols by candlelight Pack your picnic baskets and head off to the farm in support of Animals in Distress. Enjoy a leisurely evening of carols in a rustic environment and sing along with the choir to your favourite Christmas carols. Time: 6pm– 9:30pm. Venue: The Paddocks, Plot 20, Moerdyk St, Vorna Valley. Cost: adults R20, children R10. Contact Bev: 078 458 9143 or email aid@animalsindistress.org.za

26 thursday

The Nutcracker Mzansi Productions stages the classical ballet about a young German girl who dreams of a nutcracker prince and a fierce battle against a mouse king with

seven heads. Ends 6 December. Time: 8pm weekdays and 3pm Sunday. Venue: The Lyric Theatre at Gold Reef City Casino. Cost: R34–R114. Book through Computicket: 083 915 8000 or visit computicket.co.za

27 friday

Lemon Thyme Café is a family restaurant set in beautiful gardens. Moms and dads can relax and enjoy coffee or a meal while the little ones make sand art, go wild on

25 November – Carols by candlelight

the playground or make their own pizza.

Time: 9am–5pm. Venue: Plot 185, Beyers Naudé Dr, Honeydew North West. Contact Kimberley: 011 794 2352 or 082 374 9119 Toddlers-in-Tune music workshops help children connect the outer world of movement and sound with the inner world of feelings and observations. Children learn music the same way they learn language − by listening and imitating. Classes are 30 minutes long and include singing, movement and basic instruments for children 10–24 months. Time: subject to booking. Venue: Smudge, Valley Centre, 396 Jan Smuts Ave, Craighall. Cost: R90 and includes one hour free playtime afterwards.

Contact Sandra: 011 501 0234 or visit smudgeart.co.za

28 saturday

Jozi Food Market Enjoy breakfast or lunch in the sun and pack your picnic basket with natural, homegrown and exotic foods ranging from cheeses to oysters.

Time: 8:30am–1:30pm. Venue: Parktown Quarter, cnr 7th Ave and 3rd Ave, Parktown North. Cost: free entry. For more info: visit jozifoodmarket.co.za The Teddy Bear and Doll Collectors’ Fair With the festive season just around the corner, visitors will find an array of Christmas gifts and stocking fillers. Exhibits

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26 November – The Nutcracker

include local and imported teddy bears, dolls, dollhouse miniatures, antique dolls and toys. Time: 9:30am–1pm. Venue: Main Hall of the Edenvale Community Centre. Cost: free entry. Contact Victoria: 011 828 7901 or email info@vaharper.co.za Strictly Spiders There is nothing to fear about spiders at Melville Koppies. Pack your hats, sunblock, walking shoes and lunch and join well-known spider experts to search for and learn more about spiders. Moms, dads

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and children will be taught what they might find and where to find them. Time: 9am– 3:30pm. Venue: Melville Koppies, Kafue Rd, Emmarentia. Cost: R40. Contact Wendy: 011 482 4797 or visit mk.org.za

29 sunday

Christmas market on the banks of the Vaal River Stonehaven on Vaal is an alfresco garden restaurant overlooking the river and offering a variety of dining

options as well as river cruises. Children can enjoy the jumping castle, swimming pool, trampoline and slip ’n slide. Christmas crafts on sale for four Sundays. Ends 20 December. Venue: next to Baddrift Bridge, Sylviavale AH, Vaal River, Vanderbijlpark.

Cost: free entry. For more info: visit stonehaven.co.za Tree of light Bring family and friends, pack a picnic basket and blankets and watch as thousands of lights come to life for the festive season. This is an annual event in support of Hospice and you are encouraged to buy a globe for R50. Time: from 5pm. Venue: Johannesburg Zoo, Jan Smuts Ave, Parkview, Forest Town. Cost: free entry.

For more info: 011 483 9156 or visit tree-of-light.co.za Walter Sisulu National Botanical Garden The landscaped indigenous gardens, open veld areas and the Witpoortjie Waterfall are also home to a pair of breeding eagles. Bring your own picnic lunch or enjoy lunch at the Eagle’s Fare Restaurant. Time: 8am– 5pm. Venue: Malcolm Rd,

Poortview, Roodepoort. Cost: adults R23, children R7. For more info: 011 688 4903 or visit sanbi.org

30 monday

The Fun Factory is a studio that allows budding artists and chefs to express their creative talents. Moms can relax in the tea garden while the little ones dress up, paint, bead, mosaic or bake. Time: 10am– 4pm. Venue: 54 6th St, Parkhurst. Contact Yolanda: 083 326 4933 Art Excel and Yes workshops for children 8–18 years, are workshops especially designed to restore human values and camaraderie among children of differing abilities and from diverse backgrounds. Ends 4 December. Time: 2:30pm– 5:30pm. Venue: Knowledge Base, Bryandale School, Bryanston. Contact Harsha: 083 776 2223 or email harshavaryani@hotmail.com Reptiles on show Creepy crawlies and slithering snakes will be on show for little hands to touch, feel and hold. Time: 3pm.

Venue: Parkview Library, Tyrone Ave, Parkview. Cost: free entry. For more info: 011 646 3375

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last laugh

square-eyed, but nature-savvy SAM WILSON takes her children into the countryside, only to find out some interesting things about her very plugged-in sons.

a

ndreas and I recently had one of those moments – when all you want to do is up sticks and find a small plot off the beaten track with an appropriately rustic, whitewashed dwelling where you can live simply, growing your own vegetables. You know, when you’ve just had it with the deadlines, pointless admin, office politics and traffic jams of the city … and you start imagining yourself in a quiet, peaceful place, with a hoe in your hand. Even though you aren’t entirely sure what a hoe is and what you would do with it.

Unfortunately, we simply don’t have the guts for such a drastic life change, so we did what most city folk do when they feel out-citied. We hauled our cookies into the country for a weekend away, our trusty MPV stocked to the side mirrors with camping equipment and boxes of healthful snacks, like trail mix and bran flakes.

Whenever we do this, I become terribly gung ho. It’s almost as if I am trying to give my urban children a “Countryside 101”

crash course in a single weekend. The thing is, I was born and bred on a tarmac. (I know, slightly pathetic, but I am willing to bet my binoculars that some of you do it too.)

This time, we found ourselves in a small private reserve on the Bainskloof Pass. Gloriously covered in spring flowers, nestling between two majestic ravine/ridgetype things, this was clearly the place where I was going to share my (not-oftenpractised) love of nature with my sons. I could feel it in my water bottle.

“Look around you, boys!” I exclaimed, about an hour and a half into a hike. (Horribly red in the face, I needed to do something to assert myself, as the rest of my family had not even broken into a sweat.) “Look at all the unspoilt beauty; isn’t it glorious? Look!

There are some … LBJ birds! And there’s a lot of … fynbos! And how cute are these little dewy red plants on the path?”

My eight-year-old son Benj bent down to look at them, and then looked up at me all brimming with enthusiasm.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call them cute; they’re carnivorous,” he said, about to touch one.

“Don’t touch it!” I shrieked. “Everyone, step away!”

“Don’t be silly, Mommy,” said Joe, my 10-year-old. “Sundews don’t eat human flesh, they eat little insects that stray across their path. Look at this area – it’s all sandstone, with very little soil. These plants have evolved to get their nutrition where they can find it.”

I looked across at Andreas, who gave me a “how could you not know this?” shrug.

(There are downsides to marrying a person with four degrees in geology.)

“Boys, has Daddy taken you on secret field trips without me? How do you know this kind of thing?” The boys looked at each other and then at me, a little pityingly.

“I am sorry, Mommy, it’s because you spend all day at work – you don’t get to watch nearly as much TV as you should.

The Discovery Channel often features

carnivorous plants, and other interesting and unusual aspects of our amazing planet.”

As I stood staring, open-mouthed, the walking DStv advert, formerly known as Joe, took the opportunity to give Benj a little nudge. “Hey look, Benj,” he whispered. “I think that’s a yellow bishop.”

“I think you’re right,” Benj whispered back. “And look, his back feathers are all puffed up … it must be mating season.”

And with that, they skipped off down the trail, leaving me and my preconceptions in tatters. I know that my children watch a lot of nature documentaries, because cartoons weird them up, but I had no idea they were learning to do more than drool peacefully.

It seems I owe my TV and, perhaps, city life an apology. I shall be treading both our nearby trails and our tarmac a little more circumspectly for a bit.

Sam is the Editor-in-Chief of Women24.com, Parent24.com and Food24.com, and remains undecided about flesh-eating plants generally.

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PHOTOGRAPH: TAMMY GARDNER

Benj, Sam and Joe