A Brief History of Artists Football in Birmingham or The whole world + artist’s football = the whole world but with a bit faux partisanship Why Birmingham? The story of artist’s football is a chequered one, akin to watching a box set of ‘The Wire’ with the curtains drawn. It all started in early 2007 when a syndicate of 5 businessmen of ‘Old Birmingham’ notoriety were notified by an anonymous text to meet at midnight in the centre of Calthorpe Park, a neglected area of greenery south of the city that attracts all that is rare in life. It would later transpire that these 5 men’s involvement in a match that would be dubbed the ‘Battle for Calthorpe Park’ would become the defining moment in the history of artists’ football. The clandestine meetings appeared to be set to coincide with when Art Monthly came out and each member was instructed bizarrely to bring nylon offerings from Sports World as well as energy drinks in the colour of that month’s front cover. Present at these moonlight meetings were founder members Jacob Masters, Robert Grose, Chris Poolman, Tubs Westbrook and various other housemates of Poolman’s ‘Fawlty Towers-esque’ B’n’B that he was running at the time. These ‘Fathers’ of artist’s football, as they would soon become known, would describe themselves as the ‘Lumina Taverna’ society, due mainly to their connections to a local hostelry (and a basic attempt to drum up some sponsorship). The moonlit conditions encouraged early Lumina Taverna discussions to veer between pressing social issues such as basic car maintenance, doner kebab pizzas and whether you could really fit 120 people in the back room of the Lamp Tavern. Discussions were brief though; people either ran around the park to warm up or sat back in their cars to listen to the radio. There were however some intense debates on the work of conceptual artist Peter ‘Sol le’ Withe, who had been one of the first to reference the
many links between art and football. Withe had recognised primarily that the ability to deliver short, sharp directives at a specific audience in a structured format was common to both art and football, and hence at the core of both of their definitions. Withe, of ex-Aston Villa fame, had famously declared in Sentence 6, his seminal text ‘Sentences on Artists’ Football’ (1969), that: If the artist changes his mind midway through the execution of the pass he compromises the result and repeats past results. The Lumina Taverna Society Fathers could see no truer logic than this and applied their illogical minds to applying his rational theory in a mystical way. To this day the Fathers have never missed a penalty. History has been extended. Before long, discussions between the society members turned to actually playing a game of football. Self taught theorist Chris Poolman would not allow such rashness until some mental stretching had been done. For a game to occur he demanded that a name must be chosen by all who sought to play in a team. Rules would also have to be established. As the originators of artists’ football, The Fathers decided to name a team that primarily had alphabetical superiority. This would mean they would appear permanently top of all arts listings, especially the ones at the back of Art Monthly, and also guarantee a top position at least once a year in any league they enter. Agreed on this, the name also needed to represent the vague continental philosophy of its members and sound a bit ‘emo’ to attract younger ‘academy’ players. Athletico Tortured Artists was born. Games could now commence and though rules were a bit Spartan in these early exchanges, skills and fitness never got in the way of a sense of camaraderie being built up. In general, pushing people over in the mud and kicking people on the shins was allowed, but if you blazed a shot wide it was deemed un-gentlemanly conduct to not retrieve the ball yourself. It was also apparent that if you misplaced a pass to another society member, you had to immediately hold up your hand and affect a demeanour of sincere apology, even if you didn’t mean it. It was established that if a player was ‘losing it’, it became common parlance to adopt the ‘Lineker eyes’ gesture and point towards an imaginary bench. In the absence of anyone to play, no competitive balls had yet been kicked in anger. Ball skills, or ‘showing off’ as it was called, were frowned upon but generally attempted by all. The inadequacies of the early footwear of the Lumina Taverna Society and the boggy state of the pitch
were often blamed for poor control or unwillingness to run. Masters in particular insisted in playing in brogues, until a horrific slide tackle meant that he boarded the number 45 bus and had to circle the inner ring road stuck in the luggage rack. Indeed the dim conditions were also causing some of the Lumina Fathers to doubt the true identity of Chris Poolman. It was commonly thought that the lanky character was an elder of a lost Canadian Farmer’s tribe who laid claim to the territory of South Birmingham between the 45 and 35 bus routes, where Calthorpe Park now stands. These suspicions appeared to be confirmed by the fact that he would repeatedly wear a coat made of a specific Canadian Farmers’ tartan to the midnight meetings. It was only a chance meeting in daylight between Grose and Poolman that revealed Poolman’s true identity. Grose had briefly seen a flash of the tartan whilst working on a thesis on Baudrillard at a table in a local public house. Following the distinctive pattern outside, Grose proceeded to overhear conversations between Poolman and a man he only referred to only as ‘E.F.W.’ They appeared to be discussing the state of the pitches at Calthorpe Park and a Brown paper package was exchanged between them. Intrigued as to the identity of E.F.W., Grose confronted Poolman as he returned to his pint of lime and soda. Poolman was unwilling to divulge the nature of the exchange and that he couldn’t say any more at this stage. He did though agree to a daylight meeting of the Lumina Taverna Society to discuss, what he described as dramatic developments in the development of artists football. (He also indicated that the texts they had been receiving had actually meant 12.00 noon on Saturdays, not midnight, and that this was the time that the Society should now meet. This brought much relief to everyone, especially Westbrook who had discovered through a later inspection of the minutes of previous meetings, that he had been alone one particularly dark night in December talking to a tree and a goal post.) Saturday arrived and the Society Members stood in the middle of Calthorpe Park but were now surrounded by young children howling with derision. The colours of the team kit had already been decided in a previous midnight meeting and in view of the dark conditions they had gone for a rather garish combination of day-glo and fluorescent colours in an attempt to see one another. It’s true to say that the bright pink, blue, yellow and green strip that would characterise early ATAFC outings was never truly loved by the Lumina Taverna founding members and was especially loathed by later signings
such as Stuart Whipps and Phil Barber. However its origins can be traced back to this time, and what could be found which hadn’t been on the floor at Soccer Direct. Poolman however grouped the Society around him and in the middle of a set of goalposts divulged the secrets of his meeting with the mysterious E.F.W. Poolman revealed it was he himself who had summonsed everyone to meet there over the last few weeks and that he had made a shocking discovery whilst researching his tribal heritage on a computer at Birmingham Central Library. A keen researcher, Poolman revealed that a section of Calthorpe Park had been bequeathed to him by his farming ancestors, leading him to contact the mysterious E.F.W. (a mystic from Ladywood), for legal guidance. There was an unfortunate hitch as E.F.W. discovered that the deeds Poolman needed to prove his claim for the land were still located in the 18th century, in a large house nearby to Calthorpe Park on Oakfield Road. An analysis of newspapers of that time showed that the deeds to the land were lost in a bet over a football match between Poolman’s elders and local aristocrat Daniel David Burwood. The match would become better known as the ‘Battle for Calthorpe Park’. Two teams, Burwood’s ‘FC Dynamo Artists’ and Poolman’s ‘AC Tortured’, had fought out a bitterly contested game for the right to own part of Calthorpe Park, but it was Burwood’s Battlers who emerged triumphant after a dubious offside decision which led to a Dynamo scoring the winning goal right on the final whistle. E.F.W. believed that the deeds were still in the Burwood residence, but to claim the right to his land Poolman would have to travel back in time to the 18th century, correct the offside decision that had led to his ancestors defeat, score the winning goal himself and thus retain the deeds; surely an unthinkable task… In despair at never being able to claim what was rightfully his, Poolman went home and cooked his usual dinner of baked potato. Later, he sought advice from ‘Google’ where he found new hope. A random search of maps on ‘Google Earth’ and photos on ‘Flickr’ had shown that potentially, there existed a conversion of lay lines, canal systems and bus routes that could make it possible to travel back in time. What he didn’t know was how to unlock the time travelling ‘transfer window’ that would allow him passage back to the 18th century. If only he could find the code to enter. And then it struck him… further study of the newspapers of the time had highlighted some bizarre
occurrences in ‘The Battle for Calthorpe Park’. For instance, all of Burwood’s team apparently arrived 5 minutes late for the match travelling by pedalo up the nearby River Rea, but AC Tortured had not registered a single goal against what would have been no opposition at all, surely this couldn’t be right?! [could well have been!] At another point in the second half it has been recorded that FC Dynamo Keeper Westerbrucker bizarrely repeatedly appears to do 10 sit-ups whilst the ball remains in the AC Tortured half. This seems to have some sort of demoralising effect on the AC Tortured players, making them prone to errors that cost at least 2 goals. Of main suspicion however, was a shot by Poolman-the-Elder, described as sailing towards the top corner when, from nowhere, a dog leaps up catches the ball and runs off in the direction of popular ex-catalogue store ‘Association Football Direct’, only to return with a poorer quality match ball. The goal is never given and the match goes on in FC Dynamo’s favour. Poolman’s theory was that if he could recreate all these events in a game of heads-and-volleys between the Lumina Taverna Society, he might just might unlock the transfer window and be able to head back in time to alter history. It was surely worth a go, and the Society (in the absence of any real social life) agreed to give it a go. All the team arrived the next Saturday on makeshift wheeled/water-bourn devices, some on bikes, some in smart cars, whilst Westbrook assumed the role of FC Dynamo Keeper ‘Westerbrucker’ and set about doing batches of 10 sit-ups in a faraway goal. All the players set about laying the ball off for Poolman to strike, but despite repeated practice he just couldn’t hit the target. Just as thoughts of the absurdity of this exercise began to loom in the minds of all the Lumina Taverna, something incredible happened… It was getting late in the afternoon and with another group of lads wanting to get on the pitch Poolman knew he only had one last chance. The ball broke to Masters, who in his brogues slipped, but inadvertently knocked the ball on to Grose, who was by now lying down, exhausted and breathing unusually heavily in the penalty area. The ball accidentally hit his head though and bobbled up perfectly to the oncoming Poolman, who now seeing his chance, arched his body to smash an unstoppable volley past the sit-upping Westerbrucker. As the ball swerved towards the top corner, time indeed did seem to stand still; there was a flash of lightning and then suddenly, a stray dog who from nowhere jumped up, grabbed the ball and ran off in the direction of the 47 bus in to town. All of a sudden everything became sepia toned. The players knew. The Transfer window had been opened!
In no way a rip off of Quantum Leap, the 4 Lumina Society members had now found themselves involved within the battle for Calthorpe Park and had replaced the original ‘elder’ players of AC Tortured. This was it. All they had to do now was win the game, get the deeds, claim the intellectual property rights to artists’ football and get home. Crash! Nothing could stop Poolman as he fought out his age-old families’ wrongdoing by charging round the pitch like a pink and blue shirted Steven Gerrard. FC Dynamo with their 18th Century training methods didn’t know what had hit them and could be no match for the effervescent AC Tortured who were knocking the ball around with the precision of an early Frank Stella. Aided by their fluorescent kits, which in the smog filled air of the 18th Century were easy to spot, AC Tortured began to dominate the match and soon went 1-0 up. This was followed by a hideous mistake by FC Dynamo’s Wade-the-Elder that made it 2-0 to AC Tortured. Wade put through his own net in a disastrous attempt to subvert the theoretical boundaries of the match, whilst also undermining the accepted rules of the game. The game panned out and sure enough come the final whistle, the ball worked its way to Poolman who, played onside by an asleep Grose, scored the winning goal right in front of a crowd largely made up of art world 18th Century luminaries, drinking small bottles of ASDA French lager. 3-0. The deeds to the land roughly in the middle of Calthorpe Park, and the intellectual property rights to artists’ football, now belonged to Poolman. Burwood lay dejected, motionless as he begrudgingly handed over the documents. A life of hardship now seemingly awaited him with careers in chimney sweeping, carriage mending and bit parts in BBC period dramas being the only prospects he could reasonably foresee. In memory to those historic events, a shirt bearing the Poolman Canadian Farmer tartan is buried to this day in Calthorpe Park under a now empty plinth where there had been a statue of the original Lumina Taverna Fathers: Westbrook, Grose, Masters and Poolman.
The Plinth is empty due to the bronze statue being bought on ebay by new town, power hungry team Eastside Projects (aka MK Dons) who then used it in part exchange for a deal that would bring the 18th Century Dan Dave Burwood to the present day. The deal also saw the 20th Century Dan Dave Burwood go back to the 18th Century, where he continues to reside, operating a successful business supplying puncture repair kits. For the AC tortured team, the win meant an immediate and unprecedented rise to the top of all league and chart rankings. Their unheralded success also places Birmingham at the centre of the artists’ football world, which exists in almost an opposite universe to the conventional game. The Artist Premier League (APL) has witnessed a time where low wages, fast bicycles and small cars are revered, with
unwashed kit and theoretical backchat during matches also being highly praised. Poolman’s goal is still talked about by many and recent exhibition matches have taken place across the country to satiate the demand of faraway fans desire to see their heroes. The formation of the E.F.W. Academy at Margarine St. has further cemented Artists’ Football status within Birmingham, whilst an attendance of 22,000 was recorded at an Ikon Eastside opening, where many young art aficionados tried to catch a glimpse, an autograph, or even a thumbnail sketch of the AC Tortured stars. Overnight, the success of AC Tortured has changed the way the art world sees group team sports and pink and yellow nylon football kits forever. And so the rivalry goes on, and will no doubt continue, at this year’s inaugural British Artists’ Football Tournament where new teams come to challenge the supremacy of AC Tortured. Proposals for all art to stop and football to begin are currently being researched by Club Chairman Poolman. Big things lie ahead. A NAN bursary may also be applied for. In the words of Peter ‘Sol le’ Withe: No one invented artist’s football. It invented artists. Notes: ATAFC bear no relation to the team of the same name in Sudbury. False rumours of the origin of ATAFC have since been proved false. Mainly those detailing the origin of the team as being part of a bizarre ‘Games Cult’ of performance artists which has since been discredited as spurious rumours started by Eastide Projects Head of Operations, Wade-the-Elder. Westbrook has adopted his ancestor’s name of Westerbrucke and continues to talk to trees and goalposts. In order for the transfer window to remain open he must continue to do 10 sit-ups in every match, for eternity. Matt Motson, 2009
Matt Motson / Westerbrucke – the man behind ‘A Brief History of Artists Football in Birmingham’. Drawing by Phil Barber,