Understanding Relationships

UNDERSTANDING Relationships The ‘language of hint’: ineffectual, unhealthy

By Gary Moore When we communicate effectively, the owner-

If you’re a regular reader of my column ship of the conversation and its outcome bethen you know that mutual understanding, not comes mutual because we are communicating in communication, is the key to your marriage. a way where both sides are speaking, listening, Without mutual understanding you won’t have asking questions, and understanding. At the communication. end of a conversation that has been effectively

Communication is beautiful when we are ex- communicated, there is a mutual understanding pressing ourselves, being understood, comfort- or agreement, and the chance of hurt feelings is ing someone, and being comforted. And, we lessened. all know that it takes more than one person to We should be able to succinctly convey our communicate – but sometimes we focus only wants, needs, and desires to the person we are on being heard. This can cause misunder- speaking to and have them completely understandings, hurt feelings, and mistrust. stand us.

It is important that we have great relation- In speaking about effective communication, ships and get the things we need, want, and desire out of our relationships. But more often than not, we speak the “language of hint,” which can cause us to miss out on what is important to us. Why do we speak the language of hint? Here are a few of the possible reasons: 1. We want to be surprised because the surprise makes us feel good. 2. Our own self-esteem may come into play and we are unsure if we deserve what we are asking for, so we hint. 3. We may not want to feel reliant on what we are asking for, but if we hint, we can pretend it doesn’t matter whether we don’t get me wrong, when a gift is given, it can be a beautiful, happy moment for both parties. But if it doesn’t happen because you have only hinted at what you wanted and not clearly stated it, then you need to rethink your pattern of communication. When you hold onto an unfulfilled expectation and the blame that goes with it, bitterness sinks in. And we all know that when we are faced with multiple unresolved failures, it can feel like a bottomless pit and the relationship suffers. It’s important to take ownership for not fully communicating so that you do not place all of the ownership on the other Gary Moore receive it or not. person for not understanding your hints. 4. We have an issue with being able to receive, or don’t want We all have different upbringings and learning styles. This to feel indebted, so receiving a gift is easier than asking for a means we all process incoming information differently. Regift. member that everyone’s thought process belongs to them and

The language of hint is both ineffectual and unhealthy. It is that when you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to ineffectual because it is not clear and generally does not get us continually get to know the other person and to be known – to to our end goal. It is unhealthy because we can easily become gain mutual understanding. upset when the person that we have hinted our wants to The language of hint does not work within clear communidoesn’t provide exactly what we wanted. cation. If you are unable to tell your spouse what it is that you

Another reason that the language of hint is not effective or want, then you may need to look within yourself and figure healthy is because we put all of the ownership of what we out what is stopping you from saying what you want. Work on want onto the person we are speaking to, with heavy expecta- knowing and being known. Work on how you communicate so tion of a desired result. Sadly, upset feelings occur when the you can have amazing conversations, expressing your wants, result does not materialize. Then we blame the person we are needs, desires, and expectations. Work toward mutual respect, speaking to for not understanding us. Then, we have negative thoughts such as “they weren’t listening,” “they don’t love me,” and “I’m not important.” It becomes the other person’s fault for not understanding our hint instead of us taking ownership for our communication because we didn’t convey what we wanted clearly and concisely. The truth of the matter is that because it is our want, need, or desire, we should take ownership and admit that we did not communicate effectively or give the other person the opportulove, compassion, understanding, honesty, and mutually effective communication. It is wonderful when someone has thought so much of us that they take the time to add beauty to our day and surprise us with a gift of thoughtfulness or love. But we shouldn’t expect it. Bottom line: don’t hint. Communicate the things you want and need clearly with love and tenderness. Then watch how your relationship grows and blossoms. n nity to understand what we wanted. Instead, we selfishly use the language of hint by putting the ownership of the failed Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale expectation on them and insist that they should have been able Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and to understand our hints. leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the

Despite the fact that most people use it, the language of hint Word. He does a weekly radio program called Life Point is not a method of communication that most people under- Plus on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. Monstand. Yes, we want people to know us deeply, intimately, and day mornings at 10 a.m. he does live relationship teaching happily. But if we don’t speak clearly, we are not giving others called MUM Live on his Facebook page Mutual the opportunity to know us with any level of depth, and our Understanding Method. He may be contacted at relationship will suffer. glmoore113@gmail.com. 30 May / June 2021 | Christian Living