UNDERSTANDING Relationships
The ‘language of hint’: ineffectual, unhealthy When we communicate effectively, the ownerBy Gary Moore ship of the conversation and its outcome beIf you’re a regular reader of my column comes mutual because we are communicating in then you know that mutual understanding, not a way where both sides are speaking, listening, communication, is the key to your marriage. asking questions, and understanding. At the Without mutual understanding you won’t have end of a conversation that has been effectively communication. Communication is beautiful when we are excommunicated, there is a mutual understanding pressing ourselves, being understood, comfortor agreement, and the chance of hurt feelings is ing someone, and being comforted. And, we lessened. all know that it takes more than one person to We should be able to succinctly convey our communicate – but sometimes we focus only wants, needs, and desires to the person we are on being heard. This can cause misunderspeaking to and have them completely understandings, hurt feelings, and mistrust. stand us. It is important that we have great relationIn speaking about effective communication, ships and get the things we need, want, and don’t get me wrong, when a gift is given, it can desire out of our relationships. But more often Gary Moore be a beautiful, happy moment for both parties. than not, we speak the “language of hint,” But if it doesn’t happen because you have only which can cause us to miss out on what is important to us. hinted at what you wanted and not clearly stated it, then you Why do we speak the language of hint? Here are a few of need to rethink your pattern of communication. the possible reasons: When you hold onto an unfulfilled expectation and the 1. We want to be surprised because the surprise makes us feel blame that goes with it, bitterness sinks in. And we all know good. that when we are faced with multiple unresolved failures, it can 2. Our own self-esteem may come into play and we are unfeel like a bottomless pit and the relationship suffers. sure if we deserve what we are asking for, so we hint. It’s important to take ownership for not fully communicat3. We may not want to feel reliant on what we are asking for, ing so that you do not place all of the ownership on the other but if we hint, we can pretend it doesn’t matter whether we person for not understanding your hints. receive it or not. We all have different upbringings and learning styles. This 4. We have an issue with being able to receive, or don’t want means we all process incoming information differently. Reto feel indebted, so receiving a gift is easier than asking for a member that everyone’s thought process belongs to them and gift. that when you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to The language of hint is both ineffectual and unhealthy. It is continually get to know the other person and to be known – to ineffectual because it is not clear and generally does not get us gain mutual understanding. to our end goal. It is unhealthy because we can easily become upset when the person that we have hinted our wants to The language of hint does not work within clear communidoesn’t provide exactly what we wanted. cation. If you are unable to tell your spouse what it is that you Another reason that the language of hint is not effective or want, then you may need to look within yourself and figure healthy is because we put all of the ownership of what we out what is stopping you from saying what you want. Work on want onto the person we are speaking to, with heavy expectaknowing and being known. Work on how you communicate so tion of a desired result. Sadly, upset feelings occur when the you can have amazing conversations, expressing your wants, result does not materialize. Then we blame the person we are needs, desires, and expectations. Work toward mutual respect, speaking to for not understanding us. Then, we have negative love, compassion, understanding, honesty, and mutually effecthoughts such as “they weren’t listening,” “they don’t love me,” tive communication. and “I’m not important.” It is wonderful when someone has thought so much of us It becomes the other person’s fault for not understanding our that they take the time to add beauty to our day and surprise hint instead of us taking ownership for our communication be- us with a gift of thoughtfulness or love. But we shouldn’t excause we didn’t convey what we wanted clearly and concisely. pect it. Bottom line: don’t hint. Communicate the things you The truth of the matter is that because it is our want, need, or want and need clearly with love and tenderness. Then watch desire, we should take ownership and admit that we did not how your relationship grows and blossoms. n communicate effectively or give the other person the opportunity to understand what we wanted. Instead, we selfishly use Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale the language of hint by putting the ownership of the failed expectation on them and insist that they should have been able Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the to understand our hints. Word. He does a weekly radio program called Life Point Despite the fact that most people use it, the language of hint Plus on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. Monis not a method of communication that most people underday mornings at 10 a.m. he does live relationship teaching stand. Yes, we want people to know us deeply, intimately, and called MUM Live on his Facebook page Mutual happily. But if we don’t speak clearly, we are not giving others Understanding Method. He may be contacted at the opportunity to know us with any level of depth, and our relationship will suffer. glmoore113@gmail.com.
30 May / June 2021 | Christian Living
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