Programmed for Failure... But God

Copyright © 2017 Esther V. Smith All rights reserved under the international copyright law. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without express written permission of the author or publisher. The exception is reviewers, who may quote brief passages for review.

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ISBN Paperback 9781562293413 ISBN Electronic Version 9781562293420 Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®, Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

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B e f o r e g o i n g h o m e to be with the Lord, my first cousin Ida Rhodes from Milwaukee made a request which would ultimately change my life, “Esther, I have a cousin in the Army. He recently went through a severe trial, and he needs some encouragement. Since you like to write, why don’t you drop him a line sometime?”

Pen Pal… Beaming Bride He was related on her father’s side of the family, while I’m related to her on her mother’s side. So, I got his address and wrote to Sonny Smith. He wrote me back. My letters typically were full of Scriptures and church information. After corresponding for a few months, he wanted to see a picture of me; and I sent one. Sonny flipped! Upon receiving the snapshot, he immediately called me - he did not wait to write. He shared with me later that he said to the guys on the army base, “Man, look what I have lucked up on.”

From that time on, the entire structure of our letters changed... very few Scriptures were exchanged after that! (Smile) One weekend, Cousin Ida, whom I loved very deeply, helped him to surprise me. He came all the way from Newport News, Virginia, to Milwaukee, where Cousin Ida and Cousin Becky drove him to Chicago to see me. I had said that I would never trust another man, 71

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so naturally, I was leery and somewhat apprehensive about getting involved.

His dad was an elder in the Trinity Faith Deliverance Church under the late Edward “Dad” King. His parents stressed the importance of staying pure until marriage, so Sonny was still virtuous as a result of his spiritual training.

In essence, all he knew was church.

So, Sonny and I continued to write one another after he returned to base.

Later he acknowledged he knew I was to be his wife from the first moment he saw me!

This is the picture I sent For my first marriage, I had not had to Sonny as I was writing a formal wedding. Now, the exciting day encouraging words. After had arrived, May 6, 1967, and I was that, the whole mode of marrying Sonny Smith in Milwaukee, communication changed. where most of our relatives lived. As we walked down the aisle to the strains of romantic music, I thought, “If this marriage does not work, I will never trust another man.

I’m going to guard my feelings.

Even though I’m marrying him, I will not let him hurt me like I was hurt the first time.”

You see, I was still too bruised from my first marital experience to confess the best for myself. Little did I know that Sonny was the sweetest and most understanding man I or anyone could have ever found. He was designed in heaven just for me.

Our wedding day!

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As you read these pages now, you may have been injured in a relationship and left with emotional scars. But do not group all men in the same category.

God still has some good husbands left. He yet has many good wives left. Just ask God for what you want then begin to praise Him as if it were already yours. Praise is the secret to obtaining from God our needs and the desires of our hearts.

At the time of this writing, Sonny and I have been married Fifty years and counting and we’re still madly in love. for 50 years. In all of that time, he has never been a hindrance to my ministry. After four years of marriage, God blessed us with a little son, Darius Ricardo (Ricky), and five years later, another son, Courtney Andre, giving us a total of four lovely children. Raising them was a lot of fun... most of the time. The girls, even though they were several years older, were thrilled to have little brothers. What a blessing that Sonny never allowed the word “stepdaughters” to be used in our home; and he never treated Falecia or Carol as stepchildren. He said, “When I married you, they became my daughters.”

My beautiful children, Ricky, All of our children are Carol and Courtney. My oldest treated equally in every respect. daughter, Falecia had already been The words “your children” never called home to be with the Lord when this picture was taken. came from Sonny’s mouth. So, 73

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the girls never had a problem calling him “Daddy.” He was their father in the truest sense of the word. I could buy them anything they needed or whatever I wanted to buy them and not once has he ever questioned me about it. He tried to do whatever made the children and me happy. Being secure in himself, he never felt the need to be a controlling man. He trusted my financial and management skills and allowed me to make major decisions regarding our lives. He could safely trust my judgment because he knew that in all things I would first consult the Lord and get His mind on the decision. I count myself happy and blessed!

(L to R) James Smith (Sonny’s father), Donna Smith (Sonny’s stepmother), Sonny, me, Doy Lee Jones (my father), Mary Jones (my stepmother).

Sonny had been working for the Ford Motor Company in Detroit for two years before going into the Armed Forces. When they gave him his job back, it necessitated that we move from Chicago to Detroit.

We first attended “Dad” King’s church, Trinity Faith Deliverance Center in Toledo, Ohio. But traveling from Detroit to Toledo two and three times each week became too difficult. So, we joined a lovely 74

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church where the pastor was Rev. Rick Gaudy. There, I served as choir directress for eleven years and also served as one of the soloists for Dr. Mattie Moss Clark in the Southwest Michigan State Choir.

It was so exhilarating to travel and share music with great artists like Vanessa Bell, the Clark Sisters, and too many others to name.

After becoming pregnant with Ricky, I took a leave of absence from the State Choir since attending all the rehearsals and appointments was impossible. During that leave, Howard Lemon who was in Some of the best experiences of my the process of re­ organizing his life were of traveling and ministering group, the Howard Lemon Singwith the Howard Lemon Singers ers, approached me. I consented to join the group after my baby was born; and we went on to record three very successful albums, two of which won the “Best Mixed Group” award with the Gospel Music Workshop of America.

Howard’s wife, Sandra, became one of my closest friends. As close as any blood sisters, we can borrow from one another and know that the other will never mention it to anyone. We can share secrets, My dear friend, Sandra Lemon. good or bad, and yet love each It broke my heart when she other. She and Howard are Ricky’s and her wonderful husband godparents. So we are like fammoved to Florida, but we still talk two or three times a day. ily. I truly cherish the friends that 75

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God has given me over the years. Someone wisely said that you can measure a person’s wealth by the number of his friends.

Carol Marries… Mama Dies Mama had moved to California with my sister Mecie. Mama still loved to drink. I prayed and interceded for her, witnessed to her about God’s redemptive power, and begged her to stop drinking. She was a hopeless alcoholic and in the final stages of cirrhosis of the liver as I was making preparations for Carol’s wedding. The Lord revealed to me that Mama was going to die. His Spirit was through striving.

His patience had run out. He had given Mama every opportunity to turn to Him. When He showed me that her end was near, I prayed, “Lord, I accept Your will. I just ask for one favor. Please do not let Mama die in the midst of my daughter’s wedding.” I did not want the happiest day of Carol’s life to be spoiled. “Lord, preserve her until the wedding is over.”

God heard and answered my prayer. The wedding was lovely, all white with red as the floral accent color. It could have gone on to be a beautiful marriage, even though it was inter-racial; but after a few months it was revealed that Carol’s husband was gay. He felt that if Carol could satisfy his abnormal sexual appetite, they could make it.

She called me crying, asking what she should do. I was furious, hurt, and let down. “Baby, you do not have to risk your health like that!

Why should you endure sodomy just to keep what is not even a man,” The devil is a lie!

He alleged he really loved Carol, but admitted he could not adjust to a heterosexual relationship. I saw my child lose close to twenty pounds in a two-week period from the ensuing depression.

But with much prayer, God brought Carol through. Her husband gave her an uncontested divorce and proceeded to move in with his male lover.

But getting back to Mama, I had just come home that Saturday evening in August 1977. I was tired and worn out from my daughter’s 76

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wedding ceremony and reception. I had been home only two hours when I got the dreaded call from my sister, Mecie. “Mama just died,” she said.

From all indications, it appears that Mama neglected to repent to the end. It tears me apart to think that if she did not repent, I will never see her again. It’s horrifying to think of my mom being in hell. On losing her, I had to minister to myself and underscore to myself that salvation is a personal matter. I could not force Mama to accept God. It was a devastating part of my life to see my Mom lying there on a table in the morgue. Years of alcohol abuse had emulsified her skin. Everywhere that they pulled off tape, from the IVs, her skin came off with the tape. In her last stage of cirrhosis of the liver, I was told that alcohol was actually exuding from the pores of her skin.

Mama drank continuously for over forty years. There were times when she was raped because she was too drunk to fight off her assailants. My cousin, who lived in Mama’s area, told us of the time when five men used her at one time in the hallway of a house. The picture of five men taking turns with my Mom, using her body to satisfy their ungodly lusts, was almost too much for me to bear. It tortured my mind for a long time. I was eighteen at the time of that incident; and my soul had cried out to God, “Lord, save my Mom!” As far as I knew, Mama never reported the assault to the authorities. In fact, it was rare for a woman to bring charges of rape at that time.

Sometimes, Mama would babysit for Falecia and Carol. She promised, “If I have to keep the kids, do not ever worry about me. I will not drink while I’m watching them. I will wait until you get home from work.” Mama sincerely meant that, but she was addicted and just could not stop drinking. For a while, she did what she promised and waited until I got home each day before beginning to drink. This went on for a few weeks.

Then one day, I came home and could not find the kids or Mama. I went down to 31st Street, the ghetto area where there was the greatest 77

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influx of drunks and dope addicts. I just knew in my spirit that she could no longer abstain from drinking during the day and had gone to where she could find alcohol - in the ghetto!

I was so angry that I was tempted to disrespect her and give her a piece of my mind. But I was saved. My God reminded me: Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. (Exodus 20:12) That’s one occasion when I experienced birds (ill thoughts) flying over my head; but I refused to let them make a nest (take up residence) in my hair, as it were.

How could Mama involve my little girls? I searched up and down st 31 Street. At last, I saw her coming across a vacant lot, Falecia on one side and Carol on the other. She had a tight grip on their hands, but she was obviously drunk. That was the last time I ever trusted her to keep my little ones. I loved them too much to expose them to that type of life. Thereafter, I did not think Mama really missed babysitting because she wanted to be free to roam the streets and use men to get money for her drinking. When I caught her sober, I expressed my disgust and disappointment. She said she understood.

Mama’s funeral was so sad. What could anyone say? You cannot preach a person into heaven. We determine our eternal dwelling place by the way we live here in this present world. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but very few people seem to want to accept the Lord’s free pardon for their sins and live right. In thinking about Mama recently, I said, Lord, Mama loved alcohol and ingested so much that it exuded from her pores. I love You so much and I want to get so much of You in me that You will exude from my very being. When people look upon my face, I want them to see You. I want them to feel Your anointing when they are in my presence.

I was in the airport at the time. Right after I prayed that prayer, a total stranger walked up to me and asked, “Are you an evangelist or something?” “Yes,” I responded. “How did you know?” “There’s just something about you. I can just tell,” she said.

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London, England... Lifetime Event Imagine my shock when the Lord spoke to Pastor Carol Hayes of the Goodwill Community Chapel on Detroit’s east side, to invite me to be the guest speaker for an eleven-day revival in London, England. The year was 1978. I had been speaking for this great woman of God every fourth Sunday morning for years. My life was proof that if you are faithful in a few things, God will make you ruler over many and that your gift will bring you before great men and women. My daughter, Carol, had just gotten married and was living in a lovely apartment in the beautiful suburb of Taylor, Michigan. She agreed to care for Ricky and Courtney while I was out of the country. God worked out every detail.

The revival in London proved to be one of the most spiritually rewarding experiences of my lifetime. I saw people from other countries, of various nationalities worship the same God we worship in America, loving the same God whom we love. It was awesome. As God used me to minister the word and in song, numerous souls were saved, healed, and delivered. The British have a high regard for black music. They made me feel as if I were a star. Of course, you and I know that Jesus is the only star. They just love gospel music.

IGC... God’s Place for Me I never had a desire to be a “church hopper.” In fact, I frown on that.

We all should put down spiritual roots somewhere. The day is long over for church gypsies. But while I was in London, God began to deal with me and let me know that it was time to make a move. He led me to place my membership with the International Gospel Center Church (IGC) on the southwest side of Detroit, specifically, Ecorse, Michigan. The Pastor was Apostle Charles O. Miles.

Since that time in 1978, it has been confirmed and re­confirmed that this move was definitely ordained by God. Apostle Miles was a man of faith and power, one who lived what he preached. He was 79

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someone we could all look up to. He and Dr. Luvenia Miles, our First Lady, were totally sold out to the Lord and exemplified true holiness. I grew tremendously under his ministry. When God called him home, he had already groomed his youngest son, Marvin Miles, to take the mantle and lead us to the next level. He, too, is anointed and appointed by God. God is yet working undeniable miracles through his ministry and the ministry has more than doubled under his leadership.

At IGC, I became a member of the Voices of Deliverance Choir, the Evangelists/Missionaries Board, and the Hospitality Committee. I have recorded about five albums with lnternational’s anointed musical family backing me and one spoken word album which won an award from the Gospel Music Workshop of America. God has certainly prospered me since becoming a part of the International Gospel Center ministry.

You will remember I stated that I sang with the Howard Lemon singers. Well, the group dissolved when two of its members relocated to other cities.

It was then that God made a way for me to go solo through the late Dr. Mattie Moss Clark.

She took a chance on me, and I will never forget her. Since My Pastor, Marvin N. Miles, and beautiful First Lady Carolyn Miles. becoming a solo artist, I have been blessed to have some great artists write and produce for my various projects. In addition to Dr. Mattie Moss Clark, there was Twinkie Clark, Rev. Marvin Winans, Billy Brown, Fred Hammons, Timothy Bowman, Sr, Geof Davis, and Michael Brooks of commissioned among others.

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AIDS Has No Respect for Talent Shortly after my godson produced the “Live in Concert” album, he died. He had grown in God after becoming my musician. But even after we get saved, our past has a way of creeping up on us. Some things we did in our past will have to be faced. There’s a price to pay, in spite of salvation, because we all reap what we sow in this life. I have seen drug addicts truly accept Christ and truly receive the Holy Ghost. However, past years of cocaine and heroin abuse had already taken a toll on their brain cells. After their conversion, it became apparent that something was missing.

Conversely, there are those who are able to tap into the source of faith which eliminates all adverse symptoms and after effects. God gives them a brand new start, a clean slate with no side effects. If one can supply the faith, God will totally heal. But there must be a repenting and turning away from everything and everyone that is not like God, the making of a total commitment, and keeping of one’s vows.

Well, during rehearsals for the “Live in Concert” project, my godson (I won’t use his real name for legal reasons) was often exhausted after only one or two hours of work. As my way of showing appreciation for what he was doing, I would usually take him out to eat afterward. He would be hungry, even giving the impression that he was “starved.”

However, after a bite or two of food, he would lay his This was the cover of the live in concert head down on the table album produced by my godson.

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right there in the restaurant. He would simply be too weak to finish eating. Sometimes I would sit there thinking, “This is the laziest young man I have ever seen.”

I had no idea that he was terminally ill. One day, the doorbell rang at my home. As I went to the door, I was puzzled because I was not expecting anyone. It was him. At once, I could see he was distraught.

His spirit was torn. His eyes were red from crying. “Hi, Mom, I need to talk to you,” he said.

I invited him in and prepared him a bowl of homemade chicken vegetable soup. We went into the dining room and sat down at the table. I really believe that he was trying to tell me that day that he had contracted AIDS but had second thoughts once he reached my home.

He knew that I was real strict. I had always told him that if I found that a person was practicing sin, including homosexuality, or found that they were not real with God, they could not be a part of my ministry.

It did not mean that I did not love the person. I clearly explained that to him. I would stand by the person through thick and thin. I would fight the devil in hell to get them delivered and set free. But, I could not put them over God’s people in a ministering capacity, if I knew they were not free. A house divided against itself will always fall.

That day, over a bowl of my best hot chicken vegetable soup, my godson, one of the most talented musicians I know, talked about everything - about how lonely he felt, about his dissatisfaction with the church he attended, about everything except the real issue weighing him down. He was still crying when I finally stopped him and began to call on the Lord in prayer. I began to cry out to God, begging Him to meet the heart cry of this my son in the gospel; for I sensed a deep need.

I did not think of AIDS because he and I had discussed the subject at length. He would mention certain ones involved in the gay life and a number of those who had become infected. He would go on about how disgusting he thought it was. Frankly, I know that he DID indeed think it was disgusting because he had grown up in such an environment, and he detested it passionately. He told me he was about 82

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thirteen when his dad left his mom for another man! But somewhere in time, my godson must have experimented with homosexual acts to see what they were like. After all, his Dad loved it enough to give up his family for it! Who knows? For whatever reason or reasons, even if it was only his first time, it was one time too many.

That’s the way Satan operates. He will tell you, “Come on try it one time. It will not hurt.” That lying demon! I hate him even more now than before! In a cold grave lies a genius who could have been such an asset to the kingdom of God. Shortly after that strange visit to my home, my godson played for a revival where Rev. Jasper Williams, called the walking Bible, was preaching. Each night he played the organ while people shouted and praised the Lord. He was so good on that organ. He could make you want to shout all night. Well, he would leave the church, his clothing wringing wet from perspiration and come out into the chilly air. He contracted a cold. He called me on the last night of the revival and said, “Mom, I’m so sick.”

When he told me his symptoms, I advised him to get to the hospital right away. You see, he could not afford to make an appointment with a family doctor. He had no health insurance. I could write an entire book about the gospel field. There are so many self-employed artists who have no insurance coverage. It’s frightening! When they get sick, no matter how famous they may be, they end up going to the county hospital. He was admitted to the hospital, and a series of tests were run. I called him at the hospital, later. He said, “Mom, they are testing me for AIDS; and I’m scared.”

“That’s customary procedure, Son. You do not have to worry about that. You know you could not possibly have AIDS,” I attempted to comfort him, thinking back on how he had said so often how much he detested homosexual practices.

You will never know the shock I felt when he said, “Mom, there is a possibility that I might have it.” I froze on the phone! My heart felt like it would stop beating! I loved this child as if I had carried him nine months. I could not have loved him more if he were my own flesh and blood.

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The next day, the bad news came. It was confirmed that he had full-blown AIDS. The doctor told me, “It does not look good.”

With tears rolling down his face, Billy said, “Mama, I do not want to die. Oh, God! I do not want to die.”

Either pneumonia or AIDS would be potentially fatal and he had both. I tried to be encouraging, “Son, do not even think about dying.”

“But if I live, I do not have anyone to take care of me. My mother is a drug addict, and my father’s lover would never consent to my living with them,” he said.

He was going through a real battle. As much as this young man wanted to live, he would rather die than be rejected and scorned by his family members and friends. He said, “Thank God, He saved me when He did.”

It was apparent that he really appreciated being exposed to true holiness. I know that’s the reason why God brought me into his life.

Six days after he was diagnosed, he died. The devil had taken another musical genius. A great writer, arranger, composer and keyboardist was gone. I cannot stress too vehemently in my revivals that the devil will take a moment of so-called pleasure to completely destroy a body.

It pays to serve God faithfully because there may be no opportunity for you to repent. God was merciful to my godson. He allowed him TIME to get his spiritual house in order and to settle his account in glory before he had to meet his Maker.

Everyone is not guaranteed that privilege. Death may come unexpectedly, instantaneously. So, it pays to be ready all the time. Many musicians feel that because they sing and bring the house down, that they are anointed, and they are all right with God. But, oh, my precious ones, that is not enough! When the house settles down, if you are still lost and the ones who heard you during concert are still bound, what have you accomplished?

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? (Matthew 16:26) 84

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Yes, in some cases, people in the audience will leave delivered, simply because it is God who delivers, not us. But if you come off the stage after everybody in that auditorium is free, healed, saved, and delivered, and you go back to your mess, you are miserable indeed.

If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. (1 Corinthians 15:19) It’s time out for living a shallow existence, for singing, teaching, preaching in the penthouse (of the Spirit), and living in the basement. We have got to talk the talk and walk the walk. God is looking for depth.

He is looking for a life, a real commitment. When you finish singing and “bringing the house down,” when you have signed on the dotted line for that major recording contract, when your name goes up in neon lights, the question is, “Are you saved?” The bottom line is, “Do you live a changed life?”

Recording Contract After severing the relationship with the first recording company, I canvassed numerous companies, some of which stated that the “name of the game is money.” I understood their point and respected their views. I did not mind making money for them, but I was resolute. I would hold onto my convictions about keeping the name of Jesus in my songs. I wanted a company who would “take care of business,” for the gospel recording field is a business. So, I had no problem with them earning revenue as long as I was allowed the freedom to share the anointing of God in my music and to remain basically traditional.

With that, I also wanted quality. I did not feel that was too much to ask. Or was it?

Finally becoming frustrated with the search for the right company, I said to God, “If I never record again, I just want to please You - to be in the center of Your perfect will. I have always used singing to open doors for the Word ministry because souls are first on my agenda.”

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Now, as I look back, I truly believe that this is where God wanted me to be, to reach the place where nothing and no one mattered but Him. Well, after a three-day fast, I came to the place where I literally gave up on the idea of recording. I made a covenant with God to love Him in spite of, to worship Him and center my attention on Him alone. You see, I came to the conclusion that the accomplishments I desired would only be as fulfilling and fruitful to me as the union I have with Jesus. He had to be the focal point, the main attraction.

So, I no longer worshiped Him for what He would do for me relative to a recording contract. I worshiped Him because of who He is. He’s Elohim - God, my creator. He’s El Shaddai - my Almighty God. He’s Jehovah Jireh – God, my provider. Is not that enough to worship Him for? Oh, praise my God! I truly believe that the lack of fervent worship has caused many artists to head into a downward trend in their music ministries. There’s nothing wrong with making money.

The laborer is certainly worthy of his hire. But I long for the time when we can once again give concerts that share passionate worship with our audiences.

After fasting three days, I received a call from a representative of a newly organized company out of Chicago. They voiced their interest in signing me if I was still free. I made arrangements to visit their facility while in Chicago one weekend, and I was impressed. We did a beautiful project with this company; but once again, no promotion or advertisement was done. My new project was programmed for failure by the devil.

Nevertheless, I titled the project to reflect what I feel is the very purpose of my existence. I was created to worship God. It was “Born to Worship.” Every breath I take is to give Him glory. Remember…

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. (­Matthew 22:37) My entire life has been centered on worship. I have learned how to worship myself out of tight spots, out of trials, out of tests, out of 86

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poverty. I have learned how to worship myself into healing, into financial miracles. I’m reminded of 2 Chronicles, where Jehoshaphat and God’s people were facing their enemies, the Moabites and the Ammonites.

It appeared to be a losing battle because Israel was outnumbered.

And Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the Lord worshipping the Lord… And the Levites, of the children of the Kohathites, and the children of the Korhites, stood up to praise the Lord God of Israel with a loud voice on high. (2 Chronicles 20:18) The Scripture goes on to tell us that Jehoshaphat appointed singers to praise God before the army of the enemy. They stood and began to sing and magnify God. And when they began to sing and to praise, the Lord set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir, which were come against Judah: and they were smitten ... for the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of Mount Seir, utterly to slay and to destroy them, and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, everyone helped to destroy one another. (2 Chronicles 20:22) Get a hold of this! Think about it! As a result of Israel’s praising their God, the enemy became confused and slew one another. Listen, I do not have the riches of this world. Furthermore, I have only two years of college. So, I’m not parading as someone brilliant. But through praising and worshipping God, He has brought me where I am today; and He deserves all the glory. Let me be the first to admit right now that I still have a long way to go from where I am and a lot more to learn about this great God we serve. It’s amazing. Every day I discover something new. There’s never a dull moment in walking with our God. That’s why I keep a hunger and thirst for Him throughout our ever-growing relationship.

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It’s important to take note that once the enemy became confused and slew one another, God gave His people permission to collect the spoil. It took the people of God three days just to collect all the diamonds, jewels, gold, silver, and money that the enemy left.

God told me that He would take resources from the world and give it to His faithful ones.

The wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just. (Proverbs 13:22) So, do not try to figure out how He’s going to bless you and from what source your help will come. While you are trying to figure it out, God has already worked it out! Just grasp this truth! He’s getting ready to give you a blessing such as you have never experienced before. If He has to blow it upon your porch in a brown sandwich bag like He did one of the mothers from our church, God will bless you. Just say, “Any way you bless me Lord, I will be satisfied.” Keep that attitude and you will come out a winner every time.

The Trials of Satan – the Patience of a Saint In my walk with God, one of the things that I have learned the hard way is patience. I used to question why I did not receive answers as fast as my peers – even though my devotion was sincere. It seemed strange, however, that when my colleagues were able to land contracts with good companies and their careers soared, I could never feel envious or jealous. Instead, I leaped for joy. I was thrilled! Sometimes I would go out and buy three or four of their projects at a time and give them to loved ones. I would tell them, “You have got to hear this. It is awesome.”

That excitement for others may seem stupid; but even if I did not succeed, it excited me for them to succeed. Once again, this goes back to the training that Mother Lockhart, Bishop Goldsberry, and Elder Duncan put in me. They drilled into us over and over, “Jealousy and envy have no place in a saint’s life. When you rejoice for others, it opens the door for you to be blessed.”

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I realized early in my walk with God, that Satan did not want me to come into the fullness of the music and Word ministry. He told me that should I succeed, I would have to compromise. With many, the dollar and the fame became their main focus. I stood flat-footed and told the devil emphatically, “you will see. I defy you. I will make you out to be the liar that you are, and I will show you that it can be done. I can be successful, and yet stay humble before God. I will not change”.

God seeks humility in us. A humble heart comes supernaturally when we learn to let go of our own wills and seek His will. Mary of Bethany demonstrated appropriate humility when she knelt down in view of a crowd of scoffing onlookers, anointed the feet of Jesus with expensive perfume, and wiped it away with her long hair. Praise God. The whole room radiated with the glorious fragrance of her humility and worship. She did not mind the fact that it cost her about a year’s earnings. Her heart was completely sold out to the Savior. She wanted to give her best to the Messiah, even in the face of skepticism. By her unreserved act of love and humility, she is the only one to hold the honor of having anointed Jesus for His burial.

Like this precious woman, I, too, made a vow to give Him the best that I have. Since I do not have much to give, I told God, “I give you ME – all of me.” When I made that vow, I began to see His greatness.

Oh, praise God. When we humble ourselves, we can then fully appreciate the majesty of God. How majestic is His name! We can see the Lord as He really is. When we allow God to have His rightful place in our lives, we no longer draw back; we no longer cringe in fear; but we face our giants head on, worshipping God passionately. Did you realize that you cannot worship the Creator and entertain fear at the same time? Fear dissipates when we worship our God. This is how I came to the realization of the power of worship.

Mom died an alcoholic. Dad died while in prison, a convicted double murderer. It was the intent of the powers of darkness that I follow in 89

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their footsteps. After I chose to follow Christ, my love for God grew so strong that Satan and his imps determined, “If she insists on loving God more than life, we will make sure that she never experiences maximum success in anything she undertakes.”

Oh yes, old slew foot was painfully aware that whatever area of ministry God called me to, I would not stop until I did major damage to his kingdom. You see, in my concerts, souls are saved, the diseased and afflicted receive healing, sin’s burdens are lifted, depression and oppression are cured, and people walk in the newness of life.

The devil did not and does not want that to happen. So, for a period of time, he was there to put a stumbling block in the way of everything I attempted musically. When I first started to go through these difficulties, I did not understand what was happening to me. I did not attribute these hindrances to the work of demon spirits. But God began to let the picture unfold. The pieces of the puzzle began to fit. God showed me how to break the chains. Now, I can look back over my past and sing from personal experience, “Look where He brought me from!”

And while I’m on this subject, let me tell you that people will not always be there to encourage you. There will come a time, if it has not come already, when you are in your room all alone with no one there to say, “Go ahead baby. You can make it.” In those times, you will have to pat yourself on your own back like the psalmist, David when his battle with the enemy was lost and his own people spoke of stoning him, David encouraged himself in the Lord, his God. I took inventory of my life, as I often do when things go wrong, and I said to my soul, you have the talent that God gave you. You have much to offer. Your productions are anointed. The songs have a message, and you have some of the best producers in the business. The devil is a liar!

Oh yes, that was another tactic he tried. He told me that I had no talent and that I should just stop singing. You see, my singing glorifies God and edifies me. But it grates on the devil’s nerves, so he hates my 90

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songs. I remember the first recording company I signed with. They gladly invested money in promotion for certain artists on the label but nothing on promoting my work. They did not know themselves why they were doing what they did. The owner of the company constantly reminded me, “You are the only artist I have ever dealt with who really lives what they sing.” But when I would approach him for certain promotional opportunities, the excuse was always, “The Company cannot afford it right now.”

Strangely enough, through all of that, I still have a special love for the president of that company because I realize that he was not responsible for his actions. Under the influence and power of the devil, he merely carried out the devil’s plan. He was not saved and Spirit-filled, so he was not aware of who was using him. It reminds me of how Peter told Jesus that he did not have to die.

Then Peter took Him, and began to rebuke him, saying, be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee. But (Jesus) turned, and said unto Peter, get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offense unto me: for thou savorest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men. (Matthew 16:22) Obviously, Peter did not realize that what he intended as love and concern was actually the devil speaking through him trying to tempt Jesus to avoid the cross.

In my early dealings with that recording company, I’m convinced that my meekness was erroneously mistaken for weakness. I recognize now that I failed to act in an aggressive manner when I clearly saw that I was being misused. But I have grown up in God now. He has finally given me new boldness, and I thank Him for it!

Dominion Taken – Doors Open I had taped the Bobby Jones Show in the Nashville studio after my “Live in Concert” album. It was such a blessing. The exposure from that one show opened many doors. So, when I did the “Born 91

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to Worship” project, I remember waiting for the opportunity to do Bobby’s show, knowing that it would help to promote the new recording. Well, finally the new company consented to send me to a taping in another city sponsored by Pepperco Recording Company.

A long period of time went by, and I never saw the show aired. I finally inquired when it would be shown and was told that there were some legal problems in connection with Pepperco which hindered Bobby from releasing the taping. When I heard it, I said, “I do not believe this devil.”

Bobby told me, “I’m so sorry that this happened on the taping where you were involved. I’m going to see what I can do about pulling your performance and airing it.” The point I’m making is, here’s Satan again, raising his filthy head up to hinder me.

On another occasion, publishers came to my home for an extensive interview. There was to be a feature story on me for the Apostolic Witness Magazine, which obviously would automatically be a blessing to the ministry because of the exposure it would provide. After a long period of time, I talked with the publishers. They shared with me that the forces of hell had come against them financially after they did the interview, and the release was delayed. They could not understand it.

I shared with them that the attack was not against them, per se. It was aimed at me. As with the Apostle Paul, Satan was sent to buffet and to hinder my ministry again. But as usual, he could not succeed.

Thank God, it was finally released.

Another situation involved Bill and Gloria Gaither, who had a dynamic Camp Meeting and television taping down in Anderson, Indiana, during February of 1994. It involved black pioneer recording artists who had been in the business for many years. I was so thrilled to be a part of history in the making. What elation to see all of these artists under one roof, for one purpose. I even had the opportunity to lead a song that I had recorded during the time of the Lockhart Singers back in Chicago. It was apparent that when this video was released, it would be hot! It would really be a springboard for my 92

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ministry and all the other pioneer artists who had not received proper exposure down through the years.

Also, Bill and Gloria were planning to use the income from the video to set up a Fund for Pioneer Black Artists. If certain artists had hospital bills and other needs, they would be able to draw from this fund. It was guaranteed to be a huge success because the video was to be released worldwide around August in 1995.

Upon checking after August 1st to see what the delay was, I was told that one of the recording companies’ executives would not sign the release form for the artists from that particular company to appear in the video. This executive further intimated that if Bill and Gloria released it, the company would sue them. Mind you, Bill and Gloria were investing their hard-earned money to help the black pioneer artists. They paid all of our expenses to get there and took care of our food and hotel accommodations. Well, Satan got busy once more.

I could go on and on, pointing out the areas where I noticed that I was being programmed for failure. But thanks be to God, I have taken dominion and power over the works of the enemy. Satan cannot and will not be able to hold me back any longer. God began opening doors that Satan could not close - doors I had never before had the privilege to go through. God Himself placed me on the ticket with some of the world’s greatest and most affluent men and women in the ministry.

I was invited to be a guest for Evangelist Shirley Ceasar’s Convention in 1994, where I was the soloist, appearing just before the speaker, Bishop T. D. Jakes. I felt highly honored, and God gave me a tremendous breakthrough in the music ministry that night. The audience went up, rejoicing and praising God. God is awesome!

Since that curse of failure has been broken, God has blessed me to sing and/or speak at various conferences on the same ticket with such well-known persons as Evangelist Jackie McCullough, Evangelist Iona Locke, Evangelist Juanita Bynum, Evangelist Maria 93

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Gardner, Dr. Catherine Baskin, Rev. E. I. Osborne, Bishop R. Taylor, my dear childhood friend the late Bishop David L. Ellis, Rev. Richard D. Henton, superstar in gospel music Larnell Harris, Vickie Winans, and Daryl Coley, just to mention a few. When I say this, I’m not in the habit of name-dropping. The only name I want to drop is JESUS! I’m just trying to show you that though you may have been programmed for failure, if you remain faithful and have patience, God will raise you up. Listen, if God be for us, who can be against us?

Dream House There’s yet another area in which God taught me patience.

For years, I had dreamed of a house with a spacious living room, a family room, and all the amenities. When we first moved to Detroit, we had a small house with three tiny bedrooms upstairs and one tiny bathroom that felt like if you sat down too hard on the toilet seat, you would crash down through the ceiling to the first floor. When Ricky was born, he had to sleep in the same room with Sonny My daughter and I were so close and me. Five years later, Courtbefore God called her home in 2006. ney was born. He also had to share our room so that Falecia and Carol would not have to share their little tiny rooms with the boys. For years, the plan worked out fine because Sonny and I worked different shifts. Sonny was home with the boys during the day, and I was with them at night.

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That little house looked so dull because I did not know a thing about decorating. After all, with Mama being an alcoholic, she only thought of where the next drink would come from. She never taught my sister and me about “girly” things, things I shared with my daughters as they were growing up. We were able to talk freely about anything.

I remember when I started “womanhood” at ten years of age. I panicked, thinking I had come down with some dreadful disease and was going to die. I went to a mother of the church and told her what I had seen.

She chuckled, told me to sit down, and explained the entire experience to me. She purchased the things I would need and told me about being neat and clean when this time came around. Boy, was I disappointed to find that I would have to deal with this “condition” every month. When I told Mom about it, the I thank God that Carol is saved first thing she asked was, and living for Jesus.

“Who have you been with? What’s his name?” I was startled at her response because I had no clue as to what I would do if I was with a boy. She had never explained that, either. Anyway, I told her what the mother of the church had said, and she calmed down.

Back to our little house, after nine years, we moved to a much larger house in a nicer area of Detroit. I asked God to show me how to pretty up my house. Well, He actually taught me interior decorating 95

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and I “freaked” that house out. It was gorgeous! I brought in professionals to hang custom wallpaper and to paint. Not only that, but God taught me how to be a good housekeeper, to be neat and chaste. He taught me how to be an excellent wife. You must remember - I had no examples in our household to follow. All I remember was Mama’s drinking, smoking, cursing, and fighting. There were no good role models, no one for me to pattern after. I knew one thing, however, that I was determined not to be like Mama.

Sonny’s mother was a great evangelist and his dad, an elder of the church; so he had patterns to follow in order to be a good husband and father. But God taught me how to be a good parent for our children.

All four of them have turned out marvelously well. We have never had to get any of them out of jail. God spared us the difficult problems many parents face today. All the glory belongs to God. God taught me how to be a wife. He showed me in His Word that my husband is the king of our home. It may seem funny, but I really find pleasure in serving his food on a tray in bed when he comes home exhausted from working long hours at Ford Motor Company. God Himself taught me wisdom so that I could keep my home together and still be an evangelist.

After about eight years, the neighborhood began to deteriorate.

Sonny and I agreed that the boys did not have a real chance for survival if they remained in the surroundings they were in. Thank God that Falecia and Carol were grown by this time and on their own. The boys attended private school (Catholic), and they almost lived in church with me. But other boys in the neighborhood began to get involved in drugs and hanging out in the streets all hours of the night. Our sons were questioning why we were so strict, why we required accountability, and why they could not at least stay outside with the other boys at night. But we wanted them to have a walk with God. We wanted them to be solid, contributing citizens, assets to society. Consequently, we made another move, this time to the nearby suburb of Southfield. Once again this took patience and required a real faith walk. It was hard to visualize paying the new house note, which was 96

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$400 more than we had paid for our Detroit home. But thanks be to God; we never missed a payment during all of those five years. He is so worthy!

That house was beautiful, but there was a house that I kept dreaming about over and over. I woke up one morning after having dreamed about it again, and I said to the Lord, “I’m 53 years old. It’s too late to get that house now. So please stop antagonizing me with this dream. I have faced the fact that some things in life we may not be able Ricky in 1988. When drug traffic to achieve. Lord, I do not worsened, we moved in order to give mind, really I do not. I’m our boys a better chance to succeed. totally satisfied with you. If I never get the dream house, I’m just happy with you alone. Lord, I know that I will have my mansion in glory. That’s what’s important.

So, just stop with the dreams, please”! (Smile) As you are reading this, you are most likely wondering, “Why did she talk to God like that?” Well, remember, God is my Daddy. I can freely express myself to Him. He loves me; and I cannot conceal anything from Him, anyway. He knows my thoughts afar off. “All things are naked and open before Him with whom we have to do” (Hebrews 4:13). I feel perfectly at ease sharing my true feelings with Him. I ask Him questions that I do not dare ask anyone else because, frankly speaking, He’s the only One who knows the answers. Also, I find that people are far too willing to share your business with others. My opinion is if it’s too hot for me to hold, why would I think that you will be able to hold it? So, I share everything with my best friend - JESUS - the friend that sticks closer than a brother!

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A few days after I talked to God about my dream home and explained my feelings to Him. (It was not as if He did not already know my heart, He just wanted me to verbalize it.) A Century 21 real estate agent called.

I questioned where she obtained my phone number, and she explained that they had pulled the name up in the computer and wondered if we would be interested in selling our house. She said they had some buyers interested in our area because of the closeness of the elemenCourtney in 1993. tary and junior high schools.

I started to say, “Absolutely not.” However, I wanted to show her that no one was going to pay what I would ask for the house. I was asking $26,000 more than I paid for it because we had done so much upgrading. Well, the house was placed on the market. Within six days, we had three buyers haggling over which one would be able to get the house.

By this time, I wondered, “Wait a minute. Maybe this is God.” After thinking about it, I said, “If it is you God, then you will have to make all the moves. I’m going to just stand back and watch you work.” The real estate agent called one day and said, “Mrs. Smith, you are going to have to find yourself a house because your house is sold.” “Oh my God,” I said, “She is right.”

The realization set in. Well, we looked at houses for several days.

Many of them were beautiful, but they were not the one I dreamed about. After coming home from running a revival, we went looking again. Upon entering the third house, the first thing I noticed was the huge living room, just as I had dreamed it! My heart leaped. But I 98

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tried to appear nonchalant. I did not want to appear overly anxious.

That puts you at a negotiating disadvantage.

We walked through the house. The decor was not attractive at all.

As a matter of fact, the house needed a lot of interior decorating; but I knew it was “the” house. It featured four bedrooms, two full baths, one guest bathroom, and a 29 by 16-foot living room. Running the whole length of that room was a picture window looking out over a bricked courtyard with a built-in bar-b-que pit. I never had time to use it because I’m always on the road. But it looks good when I look out the window (smile). There was also a large kitchen, a spacious office for the ministry, a huge carpeted laundry room, and a 29 foot by 15-foot family room. The newly added wing of the house gave Ricky his own private sitting room outside his bedroom, with two walk-in closets, and a bathroom.

Let me mention here that I had never seen a house with so many doors leading to the outside - nine doors. I later had the garage remodeled into a beautiful exercise room.

When we were leaving, the agent commented, “We have two more houses to look at today.” I told her to go back to the office instead so that I could put my bid in for this house. I felt the urgency to do it immediately. We signed all the necessary papers. She visited the owners on Sunday, and they too signed. On Monday another buyer expressed interest in the house and even had a $115,000 cash down payment but could not get our house because the paperwork was already signed. Look at God! Every step was a miracle! God even worked a miracle for the closing because we were short $5,000. He reminded me that I had been teaching faith, and now I had to walk by faith. But God did it, and we moved in. We enjoyed the “dream house” for six years. Then Ricky and Courtney were blessed to get married. Both had wives who were beautiful both outwardly and inwardly. For the first time, Sonny and I moved into a smaller, brand spanking new house, designed just for the two of us, perfect for retirement.

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Don’t Give Up. Don’t Give Out. Don’t Give In! Everything that God, in His infinite wisdom, has allowed me to experience is so that I can share with you that God is real, so that I can share with you that no matter how dark it looks now, you will come out with the victory. You are not forgotten. God is ever mindful of you. He is concerned about you because you are His pride and joy, His unique creation and design, I can truthfully say that I am yet walking by faith, but I know that the “more than enough” days are fast approaching. When they get here, I have gone through enough to know that I will forever stay humble before God. I cannot, and will not, get lifted up in pride because I owe God everything. I’m glad He trusted me to suffer, that He found me worthy to go through the fire and the flood. I’m glad that the devil gambled and that he lost.

I’m thinking now of the Biblical patriarch, Abraham, and Sarah, his wife. For years, they waited for the fulfillment of the promise concerning their seed, their son. They were humans like we are, so there must have been those times when they felt frustrated. Well, they took matters into their own hands, and Abraham had Ishmael by Hagar (his wife’s maid) as a result. I have learned from that Scripture that when God speaks, you can stand on His Word. You can hang all your hopes on the Word of God. The promise may tarry in coming. You may be delayed in where you want to go in God. But refuse to be denied.

Have confidence in this thought I got from Bishop T. D. Jakes, “He Loved Me Enough To Come Late.” The truths I learned from waiting on God are so valuable to me, so precious. I do not mean to imply that every experience was pleasant, not by any means! Few Christians enjoy waiting or suffering. My flesh had a hard time adjusting to being patient; but oh, how happy I am now, to know that I passed the test.

Miracle After Miracle Thyroid Cancer – So many times since I wrote the original book, the enemy has tried to snuff me out, BUT GOD! I was out of town 100

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running revival, when I got to my hotel room after service and noticed that I was spitting up blood and it was not just a spot, but it was unstoppable. I prayed and asked God to help me so that I could do the last service, so I kept drinking cold water and was able to get through the service. I have always been a person who likes to put a name on what I’m praying for. I wanted to know what devil I was dealing with, so I made it back home and went to a throat specialist. The possible diagnosis was not good, after doing an ultrasound; the doctor said it looks like I had thyroid cancer. He set me up for an MRI; my husband was really taking it hard. But I went to God, and I reminded him of the pact I made with Him back in 1977 while I in London, England in revival. One of the mothers was 84 years old but more active in the street meetings than the young folks, and I said to God “I refuse to die before 84 and everything after that I will consider a bonus”.

So when the doctor said that, I said to God “Hey, I’m not 84 yet.”

When the MRI results came back I arrived at the doctor’s office, my husband was visibly shaken at the thought of possibly losing me, but I walked into the doctor’s office knowing that God had worked a miracle, I didn’t know how, but I refused a death sentence. I’m sitting there on the exam table, and he’s looking at the screen of the computer at the results and looking puzzled. The devil spoke to me and said: “It‘s not good; look at how he’s reacting to the results.” I immediately said, “You’re a liar. You’ve always been a liar, and you are the father of liars.” The doctor turned around and said, I don’t know what happened, what I saw on the ultrasound is not here. So let’s just keep an eye on it and make an appointment to see me again in about six months, and we’ll see how it goes.”

June of 2016 – Stroke – I went with my son to see a movie - I love karate type movies, anything involving kickboxing. My godson Myron will let me know when a good karate movie comes out and he’ll pick me up and we’ll do god-mom and godson date. Anyway, the movie is over, he starts walking toward the exit, I stand up and my head is spinning, I’m calling him “Ricky... Ricky.” At first he didn’t 101

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hear me over the noise of the credits still rolling; finally, he heard me and came back. I could barely stand. I said, “I need to go to the hospital.” I didn’t know what was wrong but I knew it was abnormal because a few weeks before that I had woke up one morning and my right leg was dragging. I figured it would go away, but that along with this symptom, common sense said, you need to find out what to pray for. After ultrasound and MRI the doctor said that I had suffered a mini-stroke. My family doctor gave me a prescription for therapy to work on my leg, but I contacted my pastor, Pastor Marvin and told him what the problem was. That Sunday morning, he called me up, prayed for me, I did “floor service.” They picked me up after a while; I went home, a couple of days later, I began walking and realized that I was not limping anymore. Went back for my check up and the doctor said: “How is the therapy coming along?” I said, “I haven’t been to therapy. I know this is going to sound strange to you, but God healed me.” She said no, “That’s not strange” and she smiled.

Breast Cancer – On two occasions, the enemy tried to afflict me with breast cancer. My breast was swollen, and the pain was so excruciating that I could not stand for the seat belt to touch it. My personal physician said “I’m going to refer you to one of the best breast cancer doctors I know. She is the one that, I would go to, if I had this type of breast cancer” Once again, I said “Hey, I’m not 84 yet.” When I get to the specialist about a week later she was examining me and she said, “now what did your doctor send you to me for?” And I explained.

She said well whatever it was it is no longer here.

It is written, I have made thee a father of many nations, before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. (Romans 4:17) So when I tell you I walk by FAITH… I’m not joking. I’ve learned to call those things that be not as though they were until they are.

God is not short of His Word, all we have to do is supply the faith.

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Value Your Walk with God Many times when things come too easy, when they are just handed to us, we do not value them nearly as much. But when we have had to toil for them - sacrifice, suffer, wait, and cry for them - then we realize that those diamonds of life are so valuable that we dare not cast them to the swine to be trampled on, to be corrupted and polluted. Instead, we guard them. We treasure every mile of the journey.

Because of what I have endured, my salvation and personal walk with God mean everything to me. Nothing in this life is as important. So, I refuse to throw my talents, whether singing or the Word ministry, before the swine to be trampled on, to be regarded as slop. I thank God that He loved me enough to come late in so many areas of my life. Yet, on the other side of that coin, we realize that, whatever time God gets there, He’s always on time! Oh, hallelujah!

Hit the Delete Button My mother in the Lord, Evangelist Bunnie Mae Demings, after a lifetime of anointed ministry, went home to be with God during the time I was finishing the original book. My mind goes back to the time when she was teaching, and I caught hold of the message. She said we do not have to be victims of our past or our parents. She stated that we could ask God to go into the computer of our souls, hit the “delete” button, and erase everything contrary to God’s plan and purpose - things that have been programmed for years, things inherited, things programmed in our DNA. I realized that, based on the past, I was programmed for sure failure. So I asked God to erase even the remotest possibility of any alcoholic tendencies that may have been programmed inside me as a result of Mama. I asked Him to delete all the temperamental characteristics of my Daddy and replace them with sweetness, sincerity, 103

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love, compassion, and a spirit of forgiveness. God did just that, and I love Him deeply. With premeditation, I weigh my words to avoid hurting His loved ones. My prayer is that “the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in God’s sight for He is my “Lord, my strength and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14). Every negative thing of the past, I wanted God to blot out and give me a clean heart and a fresh start.

Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man; preserve me from the violent man. (Psalm 140:) I can say truthfully that I have never taken a drink or even desired to taste alcohol. The Lord’s name is to be praised! I do not get angry easily; but if I should be tempted to become irate, I’m always aware of who I am and whose I am. I’m God’s woman, and that reminder constrains me. I’m always cognizant of the fact that my “words should be few and seasoned with grace” (Ecclesiastes 5:2). Yes, there are times when I have to go to God’s throne and cry out before Him. But I had rather do this a thousand times over than to hurt someone. When I have obtained grace to help in time of need, then I’m ready to go on with God. I can look at the person I could have been agitated with, love them, and feel no ill will. God will do it for you, too, if you seek Him diligently!

If I feel that I have offended someone, I’m quick to repent. I have even asked my children for forgiveness many times. When they have children of their own, they will understand that Mama and Daddy are not exempt from humbling themselves. We adults and parents can be wrong, too. We need to admit that our children are not always wrong.

Too many parents have a problem with admitting their faults to their children. If you are endeavoring to groom good future parents, your children need to see humility in you as well as strength.

You see, I love God so much that I do not ever want to embarrass Him. So, I let Him fight my battles. After all, He does a much better job than I could ever do. And the battle is His. So, I just enjoy the sweet victory.

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Conquering the Curse Through Praise Dr. Cornwall wrote: Genuine worship frees us from the bondage of preconceived notions and fake religion. Only as we worship, our spirits having been “released from captivity to soar in the presence of God,” can the quiet desperation be relieved.

When I zeroed in on what was happening to me, began to see the importance of worship and praise. Sometimes I would offer an assertive praise, sometimes a demonstrative praise, sometimes praising and worshipping in songs or through the dance. However and whenever I praised Him, I did it with everything within me! I was so tired of failing, of being a wilderness walker. I had grown so weary of being at the end of everybody’s line every time. But, praise be to the Holy One, as I entered into a life of worship and praise, it became my way of living. I became more than a conqueror.

I realized what it would take to get a response from God - what was needed to receive strength, joy, fulfillment, and courage from His hand. I learned that God loves to be praised and loved. He inhabits the praises of His people. Praise glorifies God. He requires praise so much so that if we fail to give it to Him, the very rocks will cry out. I said, “God, I will never let a rock cry out for me. I will never allow a bird to sing for me.” I made up my mind to praise Him in the morning, praise Him in the noonday, praise Him in the evening, praise Him in the midnight hour. I made the determination to praise Him when I feel like it and when I do not feel like it. You see, Dr. Gills wrote: A mature relationship with the Lord embodies three components: knowledge of God, covenant with God, and worship of God. These elements represent the complete love of God. If the relationship is to grow in a healthy manner, they must be present in equal measure. The three enhance one another in a kind of divine synergy. From worship comes an expansion 105

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of intimate knowledge and covenant, which in turn reinforces worship even further. Each element complements and completes the other two, but worship kindles the fire of passion for God. Oh, I have a passion, a newfound hunger, and a zeal to worship Him. The Scripture that has been the theme of my ministry for over twenty years: As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. (Psalm 42:1) Thank God!!!! That Scripture has become a reality. It’s alive in me.

There have been times when I just did not feel like praising Him; times when praising Him was a sacrifice. During those times, I put my spirit in “override” and began to praise Him, anyhow! When I knew anything, I began to feel great! Hallelujah! I thank God that I do not walk according to my feelings because feelings are fickle and unreliable. The climate of our trials, winds, rain, hail, sleet, and storms will affect our feelings. But I walk by FAITH and not by feelings.

Being programmed for failure, I finally took on the attitude of Leah in Genesis 29:31. She decided to stop trying to get Jacob’s attention, seeing that he did not love her as he loved Rachel. But before she got the revelation in her soul, she named her children in a way to get his attention. The first child was named Ruben, which means “SEE.” She was crying out, Jacob take a look at what I have gone through.

Nobody ever loved me as they love Rachel because I’m not as beautiful, I’m myopic in my vision. I have lazy eyes. I realize the meaning of my name is “wounded cow.” My parents did not treat me like they treated Rachel. Jacob, if you will take a look, maybe you will then see that I need to be loved too.

The second child was named Simeon, which means “HEAR.” Her soul was saying, Jacob, if you will, just sit down and listen to what I

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have to say. Let me tell you how the community never included me in anything. They never patronized me as they did Rachel.

The third child was named Levi, which means “ATTACHED TO.” She was crying out in her soul, Jacob I have given you three beautiful sons. Surely after this, you must feel some kind of attachment to me. Rachel has not been able to have children for you, but I have.

But nothing Leah could do or say changed the fact that Jacob did not love her. Finally, the fourth son was born. She named him Judah, which means, “I WILL PRAISE THE LORD.” Leah was determined from that point on. She said, “I will never again try to force myself on my husband. Never again will I cry because of his neglect. Never again will I worry about the fact that my dad treats me different from Rachel. Never again will I worry about the community not accepting me. Now I know that the love that really counts is the love of God. My fulfillment is in God. So hereafter, I will praise the Lord. When I bathe Judah, I will praise God. When I’m combing his hair, I will be praising God. When I change his diaper, I will be praising God. I will saturate this baby with praises. Even as a little child, I want to teach him to praise God day and night. In fact, I will raise this child up to praise the Lord.”

That’s the place I reached. When I wearied of feeling sorry for myself - of trying to figure out why everything I endeavored to do seem to crumble right before my eyes - I made up my mind from that point on to praise God no matter how I felt, no matter what the ratings were on my recordings. I praised Him while I was yet in the heat of the fire, in the thick of the battle. I decided not to wait until the battle was over, but to “shout now.”

The hellish chains that sought to bind me are now broken. The barriers that blocked me on the right hand and on the left are now torn down. The hindrances to my every spiritual endeavor are rebuked.

No more feelings of being used, abused, or misused. I praised my way out of that program of failure!

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Fasting and Prayer I did not emerge triumphant from my tribulations to the place that I am in God today by being carnal and shallow. My overcoming was a direct result of consecration, fasting, and prayer. Jesus established the urgency of fasting and prayer during His earthly ministry, and He’s our example.

Many try to say, “It does not take all of that.” But I beg to differ. I can personally see the difference in my own ministry of speaking and singing. If I allow myself to become slack in the area of fasting and prayer, my delivery does not have the same impact as it does when I have been consecrating myself to Him. Jesus did not say, if you fast. No! He said, “When you fast, do not fast like the “If my people, which are hypocrites, with a sad countenance, trying called by my name shall humble themselves and to make sure people know you are fasting” pray and seek my face (paraphrased). He said, “If you do that, and turn from their wicked you already have your reward.” I find that ways, then will I hear from fasting is an integral part of my walk with heaven and will forgive God. I do not do it ritualistically just to their sin, and will heal their say that I fast every Thursday or every land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14) Monday. I fast because I feel the need and the leading of the Lord. Also, I can sense that He has ordained it. In everything involving this walk with Him, I want my motives to be pure. Further, I fast because there are needs in my life; and I’m looking for results, answers, direction. During my fasting period, I minister to the Lord in praise and in worship.

Finally, I do not fast with the notion that I’m going to get power and anointing simply because I have fasted. I do it because I realize I cannot receive the endowment of power and anointing until my flesh is off the throne of my heart and Christ is seated there. Fasting enables 108

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me to bring my flesh under subjection and control so that I can clearly hear what God is saying. All singers, evangelists, and pastors need to understand that fasting puts you in a place where you will not allow flesh to rule your life. Therefore, you can receive power from God. The same goes for prayer. The Bible says that Christians should always pray and not faint. You cannot always fast, but you certainly can always pray. Little prayer equals little power; no prayer, no power; much prayer, much power. We can literally keep a prayer going on at all times. When driving the car, our inner man can commune with the Father. When working, our spirit man can travail and intercede. You can get into such a habit of prayer that when you fall into bed and drift off to sleep, your subconscious mind will still be making supplication.

There have been so many nights that I have been awakened in the wee hours because I’m dreaming about praising, and the quickening will actually awaken me. Oh praise God, I love Him, and I want to saturate Him with prayer and praise.

Weak in Body but Strong in Spirit I recall one week when I wanted to be alone with God and just fast, pray, and pour out my soul to the Savior. I felt the need to spend intimate time with Him, to get away from everything - the phones, children, husband, church folks, everything. I went to Toledo, Ohio, where my godmother had an empty apartment across the street from her home. She allowed me to use it to shut myself in with God. On my third day there, I woke up from a dream in which I had seen a child with an oversized head. I had been praying for this child.

Shortly after I awakened, my god mom sent someone across the street to the apartment to ask me to come over to her house. Upon arriving there, she told me that one of her babies - she owned a nursing home for crippled and retarded children - was severely ill and was not expected to live out the day. God mom asked me if I would go over to the hospital and pray for her.

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I did not have a car with me, for I had traveled to Toledo on the Greyhound bus. I was just that desperate to be alone with God! So I began to walk to the hospital, weak from fasting but strong in the Lord. When I arrived, the nurses directed me to the proper room; and I was startled! It was just as God had revealed to me in the dream.

The little baby had this precious little body, but a head that was twice the normal size. I laid hands on the baby and began to pray. I left the hospital with confidence, knowing that the child would live and not die and with this Scripture alive in me: Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14) Why did I feel compelled to go to Toledo for a season of fasting and prayer? No one can ever convince me that a life of fasting and prayer does not produce positive spiritual results, for later my godmother gave me the testimony of the baby’s miraculous healing.

Flare-Up Watered Down by Praise 1994 was a year of miracles in my life. God proved Himself to me in supernatural ways. During 1993, while working on my “Born to Worship” project, I began to have serious pains in my abdominal area.

When I went to the gynecologist, I was diagnosed as having a fibroid tumor the size of a grapefruit. She asked me when she could schedule surgery. I told her that I would get back to her because the surgery would require a recovery period of at least eight weeks. I checked my appointment book and found that I was booked for the whole year.

By that, I mean I had no consecutive eight-week period available. I said to the Lord, Lord I do not have time for surgery. You see the schedule. You opened these doors. How can I teach faith and yet call these people and cancel out because of surgery? I need a miracle.

I began to praise Him and thank Him for being healed. When I felt the pain, I thanked Him for my healing. I gave Him glory. I worshiped him. I praised Him. One thing I know is that when we ask 110

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God for a miracle, it does not always happen instantly. Sometimes it does; often it does not. Over time, the pain lessened and lessened. I kept on praising Him, kept on shouting “troubles over.” Finally, I forgot about the condition. During my next physical, the doctor was reviewing my test results. She named various areas that looked good. When she said, “Your cervix looks great,” I asked, “What about the tumors?”

She said, “That’s right, you did have tumors. Did you not?” My heart leaped for joy. God is a miracle worker.

On July 9, 1994, I was on a consecration of one small meal a day.

I was seeking God because I needed a definite breakthrough. I was tired of being programmed for failure, and I knew how to get what I needed from God. The key is prayer, fasting, consecration, and worship! During my prayer and devotion time, I noticed that God had given me a new prayer language. It was beautiful, and I knew that the Holy Ghost was making intercession on my behalf. God is so awesome!

On the 9th, I was in the car with my daughter Falecia, granddaughter Tondalayo, and grandson C. J. I noticed that when the seat belt touched my left breast, it was painful. I began to feel weak, feverish, and disoriented. I knew that I had to do a concert that night. After I got home, I literally had to force myself to get ready. I went on to keep my word and did the concert. The Lord used me in a tremendous way that night. People were blessed, touched, healed, and delivered.

I know it was the direct result of the consecration.

After the concert, I told my daughter to take me to the emergency room so that I could see what devil I was coming against. I wanted to call him by his name. The physician on duty ordered x-rays, examined me, and told me to see a specialist, which I did on that Tuesday. After she and the radiologist reviewed the mammogram, she said, “I do not want to alarm you, but I want you to see a surgical specialist who is more familiar with this type of condition.”

I asked what she thought it was. She said, there is a rare cancer that flares up unexpectedly with no warning. There is no medication that is effective against it. But do not get worried. I’m not positive that it is cancerous, but the mammogram shows calcification and other 111

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signs that point to the possibility. I want to schedule you to see one of the best surgical specialists of inflammatory cancer in the business.

If I had this type of cancer, he would be the one I would have to perform the surgery.

Now you and I both know that when a doctor says, “Do not be alarmed,” as far as I’m concerned, in the natural, it’s time to get alarmed. But, thank God, I do not live in the natural! I began to praise and worship God, telling Him what an awesome God He is, how mighty He is. I did not worry because worry cancels out faith.

I was saying, I believe God, I trust God, I lean on God. I verbalized what I wanted the end results to be.

Four days later, I kept the appointment with the surgeon, knowing in my spirit that God had already done the work. As the doctor began his examination, I was praising God in my spirit all the time.

Finally, he asked, “What did your doctor think it was?” I told him, “Inflammatory cancer.” He said, “Well, if it was, it sure is not now.”

Mind you, this is the second time that I have had this type of flare up, and each time a doctor sends me to an Inflammatory Cancer ­Specialist, but God interceded and healed and left them baffled.

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