THE
Best of roatan 2011
ROATAN NEW TIMES THE BEST OF ROATAN 2011 Editor/Content Provider Jeff Stratton Publisher/Sales Kevin Stratton Design/Layout Adi Ad Production/Professional Counsel Susan Reed Professional Assistance Lori Reed@Reed Creative Co-founding Editor Deirdra Funcheon Inspiration Cooper Felix Cover Illustration Bill McConnell www.RoatanNewTimes.com editor@RoatanNewTimes.com cel (504) 9956-9845 sales@RoatanNewTimes.com cel (504) 9922-5638 all content Š 2011 Roatan New Times All rights reserved All wrongs reversed Domestic subscriptions: $46 annually US subscriptions: $120 Canada subscriptions: $175 Roatan New Times is not affiliated With New Times/Village Voice Media, Inc. Gracias: Connie Bodden Keidy Bodden Tristan Bodden Melee Stansberry Martin Wagner Gerard Benavidez Brion James Miss Dorcas Bodden The Glenn Family The Diaz Family EJ Proctor Aaron and Daine Etches Tori Chriestenson Sandy Bay Alternative School Mark and Joanie Flanagan Ronald Hilton Sheryl Norman Miche Ratto Jake Smyth Eva Ollie Thompson Frank Reed
THESE ARE A FEW OF OUR AND FAVORITE THINGS We’ve tried to include something for everyone. Want to know where to grab the best baleada? How about the best place to see a horse’s head 2,000 feet under the waves? Looking for a new machete? Or take a date to a super-romantic place? Want to hear a croaking toadfish– in the middle of the night? We’ve got you covered.
Bobby Rieman
The slow pace of life Now, next year – as long as that stupid Mayan calendar doesn’t usher in the apocalypse – our Best Of Roatan issue will be participatory. You, dear readers, will have a chance to vote for your favorites. We’ll expand to fit what we couldn’t this year. We’ll have a blast. And we hope you will too. In the end, that’s what this is all about. Enjoy our Best Of Roatan. We hope you have as much fun reading it as we had putting it all together.
Jhaytea is busy milking his 15 minutes. His crunked-up anthems may not be the kind of music island elders would prefer, but the kids evidently dig it: on YouTube, they’re watching dozens of his videos thousands of times, placing Roatan on the musical map. Yes, Jhaytea embraces many of reggae’s rougher accouterments, shamelessly, in fact – but the truth is, the man’s got some damn catchy songs.
BEST LOCAL MUSICIAN
BEST REASON TO LIVE ON ROATAN
How do we love Roatan? Let us count the ways! There are so many things that make this place personally special and unique, we wanted to pay them homage. We interviewed longtime locals and short-term tourists to find out what they had to say. Of course, we also have our own biases and all that. So write us a note if you agree with us (or strongly disagree). We’ll print them. We’re at feedback@roatannewtimes.com
PEOPLE AND PLACES
Sure, reasons abound to live on a tropical island, but one has to be the quality of life. And a lot of that is because life moves slowly here, and island time’s not just a saying. Roatan lived so sleepily for so long that collectively it’s still in no hurry to do much. Put another way, if you’ve lived here long enough, you know a simple trip to La Ceiba can be full of bustling confusion. Four-lane highways and traf-
fic signals. Didn’t you move to Roatan to get away from exactly that? Not many people can say they live somewhere without street names or addresses. We’re damn lucky.
BEST ISLAND SUPERSTAR Jhaytea Justin T. Brooks ( JT aka Jhaytea) ain’t exactly a musician so much as a ragamuffin rabble-rousing rebel. Thanks largely to a party presence in Brooklyn and on YouTube,
Sure, Bobby’s a gringo. In theory. In reality, he’s lived here so long that he’s as islander as can possibly be. Bobby’s knowledge of oldtime reggae and roots is as deep as the Cayman Trench, and when he performs, he’s serious, mellow, and funny at the same time. Partnering with bassists, drummers, and singers from all over the island, Bobby hammers out originals and covers with the same lackadaisical grace. We wish he’d drop “Margaritaville” from his setlist (actually, this should be an island-wide mandate) and we wish he’d get his show back on the airwaves again. But mostly, Bobby, we just hope you never change.
BEST RADIO DJ DJ Sambula 101.1 FM Blasting through your speakers with a bawdy basso profundo and his booty-shaking dance jams, Sambula hails from the same old school of the famous Miami pirate DJs, who pack up and move their equipment every night. Sambula’s nightly show gives off that air of illegality, and if his penchant for talking over tracks gets annoying, his rapid-fire patois never does. This guy’s smooth. Well, not so smooth that he didn’t get in serious trouble for getting a teenager pregnant … but that’s whole ‘nother story.
BEST RADIO SHOW Bay Islands Time with Daine Etches and Sheryl Norman 11 a.m. Saturdays and Sunday on 101.1 FM You want colorful local culture? Real island tales? Miss Daine and Miss Sheryl always have themselves a big
ol’ laugh when they do their show together. A very interesting mix and method of getting these narratives out to the public, packed with so many possibilities... Roatan Radio is streaming these stories live on the interwebs; the duo are the funniest and most contemporary oral historians we have; and the radio is a great place to hear this kind of local banter. Don’t miss an episode!
life-spirit of its gangly creator. Stop and see Melvin, his dirt-floor floor gallery there in Sandy Bay, and marvel at the way he works: he doesn’t need to think about what he’s doing – it’s as if the wood is guiding him, telling him what to do next. Melvin’s art is a compulsion; it’s rare to pass by and not see him working, creating, smiling. They call him Mad Melvin – hah! We say. If genius is pain, this man must really be hurting.
BEST LOCAL SCULPTOR
BEST FOUND ARTIST
Melvin Bodden Sandy Bay
Adam “Rusty Fish” Hunt Sandy Bay
To know Melvin is to love him. Or at least accept him as one of those gifted guys who derive some sort of divine inspiration from nature and some sort of mystical place … and channel it into something playful and reverent at the same time. From a lonely chuck of driftwood, something animate emerges, with large, peering eyes, imbued with the irrepressible
“They laugh at me,” says Adam, “when they see me coming.” He’s talking about people down at the dump, where he often forages for materials. After some eyecatching canvases using metallic and automotive paint a few years ago, Adam starting taking rusty hunks of scrap metal and slicing them into fishy shapes. Those oversized fridge-magnet thingys
caught on, and now Adam’s always looking for junky trash (or trashy junk) he can turn into something. He uses only Spanish-speaking helpers to find materials and transform them into tourist-friendly trinkets.
BEST CANDIDATE FOR CANONIZATION Peggy Stranges Sandy Bay
Now, we realize that for Peggy to actually become a saint, she’d need to be torched on a pole like Joan of Arc, and we certainly aren’t advocating that. But in a country short on poets and revolutionaries – much less saints – Nurse Peggy stands alone. On an island where folks say they’re trying to live their lives in a more Christ-like fashion, everyone could sure take a page from Peggy’s book. The fervently faithful, halfhearted heathens and even hard-core atheists all can get behind Peggy’s commitment, vision and strength of character, and her spirit will always be way more than enough to put doubt in the hearts of the most doubtful. For those reasons, and for all that Peggy has done for the people of Roatan, we think she should be lauded as the very best of the Best.
BEST LOCAL PAINTER Gladys Augustine West Bay Beach in front of Foster’s Miss Gladys is in a pickle. Talented enough to crank out Keith Haring-esque canvases that move and dance instead of just sitting there, but relegated to hawking them on the
beach at West Bay on cruise ship days. If the world were fair, Gladys would have her art hanging in a gallery. She’d have tons of cash. But as it is, she might spend as much in materials as she receives in hand after the haggling is done. Her Afro-Antillean art, with repetitive images of bustling intensity, are worth a great deal more than she’s asking.
BEST PLACE TO WATCH A SUNSET The Green Flash/Land’s End West End Ordinarily, this would be a trick question. Best place to see the sunset is subjective, but the best bar to watch the sunset is now officially the Green Flash, and that’s because the green flash was actually eyeballed there by several sunset aficionados earlier this year. Now, it’s possible this could be a mass psychosis type of deal. It could be one of those collective hallucination thingamabobs. However, we have witnesses. Plus that article in National Geographic that one time. Land’s End, perched on a spit of ironshore, is a prime spot to watch the sun and the sea dance their sparkly dance at the dog-end of another day. The wide-screen, 180-degree view of water, sky, cruise ships and dive boats is unbeatable. Oh, and the Sunday happy hour is well worth checking out: Joe, your affable Aussie bartender, is a helluva guy, full of stories, and always playing great music.
BEST PLACE TO SEE A SUNKEN SUB Half Moon Bay Each and every time, we think
we know exactly where it is, how to line up that TIGO tower and that dock piling in order to triangulate its position. But that has proven impossible. Each snorkel trip, locating Karl Stanley’s sunken sub feels like the first time… feels like the very first time. Most of the time we eventually find it, sitting right there where he left it, barnacles clinging like scabs and fish pouring from its open hatch like steam from a kettle. OK, so if I just line it up against that roof over there…
BEST MAKEOUT SPOT Near French Cay Down at the end of a very dark road, this is the place the lovers go. Put it in park, recline the seat, this is where the lovers meet. Someone’s already there? Then drive away. Just come back and love another day.
BEST PLACE TO GO WHEN YOU GET BENT
its dials and gauges and seals, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. The chamber could save your life someday.
The Chamber at AKR Sandy Bay
BEST ENVIRONMENTAL PLANNING
It happens almost every week, at least: some poor soul deep beneath our emerald waves ascends too quickly and winds up agonized by nitrogen bubbles. From deathdefying lobstermen to divers in way over their heads, the chamber is the only cure for the bends, the painful decompression sickness that can be fatal. It’s a terrifying proposition, to be sure, but it’d be far worse if not for the recompression chamber at Anthony’s Key. There’s definitely something sort of creepy about the giant white coffin-like capsule itself, with
In these divisive times, we can all agree on one thing: Shit running onto our beautiful reef is bad. And unfortunately, untreated effluent has been running out into the sea for too many years, right at the place where Roatan’s tourists get in the water the most. It’s taken time and money but it’s finally getting done. If you own land there, sure, you’re going to be spending some more money. But isn’t it better knowing all that poop’s going to a new, professional septic system instead of Half Moon Bay?
West End sewer system
BEST FESTIVAL Roatan Shrimp Festival Parrot Tree This annual event packs in crowds, food and performers every spring. A few years ago, Caribbean legend Lord Laro wowed the crowd -- born in Trinidad, popularized in Jamaica and still adored here on the island, his show was a real treat. The festival’s food and beverage booths will be busy this year at Parrot Tree opening the start of the shrimp season 2011with a big bang..
BEST PLACE TO PET AN IGUANA Arch’s Iguana Farm The Arch family saw clearly which way things were going, so they built this living memorial to Roatan’s dinosaur kin. Of course, almost every-
where on Roatan, it’s easier to find a Pepsi bottle in the bush than an iguana. It’s sad, because Roatan looks better with indigenous flora and fauna. The parrots are staging a comeback, but don’t expect the iguana ever to make a resurgence on Roatan, as long as locals would rather eat ‘em than see ‘em. That’s why the iguana farm, where the critters are allowed to get huge and have as many babies as they want, is such a necessity.
BEST PLACE TO SEE A DUPPY The Bottoms Down in the marshy bog at the end of a certain West Bay road is an excellent place to avoid at night, the owner, who we’ll call “K,” claims. Ghosts, spirits, boogeymen -or duppies as they’re known in the Caribbean -- positively run amok here. The lost souls of captured slaves? Pirates forced to walk the plank? No one knows, but the mystery continues. Be afraid – be very afraid.
BEST PLACE TO SNEAK A CIGARETTE At the end of a very, very long pier It’s illegal now to smoke anywhere in Honduras. Smoking in your car? $500 fine. Smoking out behind the bodega? Mandatory on-site firing squad. It’s getting bad. What’s a poor puffer to do? One trick, dubbed The Snuba Method, doesn’t bear repeating. We say, just go out to the end of a dock somewhere, and keep your eyes peeled for blue uniforms approaching. If they come in a boat, you’re totally screwed. And when nicotine gum is outlawed…
BEST THING ABOUT CRUISE SHIP DAYS The trickle-down theory Cruise ship days, with those gleaming steel pods filled with pale white folks streaming down the road, buying whatever knick-knacks, trinkets and doo-dads they can get their hands on, are crowded and hectic, like having your friend’s sister’s cousin’s extended family come over to watch the game. But in the back of our minds, it’s almost-kinda-sorta comforting to think that someone’s making money somewhere. I mean, we’re going to see some of that? Right?
BEST ISLAND PHRASE: “Right here, man.” Answering the question succinctly without really addressing it, this ubiquitous Bay Island reply says it all. When you ask “How you doing?” don’t expect anything different.
BEST BARTENDER Tita Moya/Tita’s Pink Seahorse, West End If you go out partying in West End, you have a Tita story to tell. For as long as anyone can remember, Tita has poured the best drinks in town, up and down the dusty West End strip and everywhere else imaginable. Yep, Tita’s been around. She knows all your tricks as well as your name and what you’re having. You cannot fool her, so do not even try; show her respect and you’ll be treated with the same. Once you’re in, she’ll warm your heart and keep your Salva ice-cold. She’ll show you how to eat
an unripe mango or guava -- with vinegar and pepper. She’ll give you a bite of her crab for free. She’ll grill you a hot dog, make you a kickass rum and Coke, and provide unsolicited (but reasonable) advice. She’s Tita, dammit, and if you don’t have a story about her, you really need to get out more. And – aren’t you just slightly curious as to what her pink seahorse looks like?
BEST PLACE FOR MEAT AND POISON Norman’s French Harbour Your dilemma: it’s been weeks since you’ve had a really nice filet or ribeye, and you’re ready to get grillin’. At the same time, you’ve got the damn wee-wee ants bitin’ up everything, destroying private property, eating your baby mango blossoms when they’re so tender and vulnerable. What’s a man to do? Well, a man’s man would head to Norman’s, where one half of the store smells like dog food and ant poison – and the other half is devoted to selling the finest cuts of beef on the island. Red meat and insecticide? Yep, it’s a weird combination. But it works. (Not to be used as a rub.)
BEST PLACE TO SPOT A COCODRILO The Galaxy Wave canal Much like the mysterious Green Flash, Roatan island crocodiles are mythic. We won’t actually believe in them until we see a girl wearing one around her neck in downtown Coxen Hole. They’ve been reported in the muck of Mangrove Bight and lounging in the mud at the Gibson Bight marina. However, the largest confirmed number of sightings have been in the brackish water that parallels the road to the yacht, where some large lizards have been spotted. Just don’t get too close. What was it Homer Simpson said? – “I call the big one ‘Bitey.’”
BEST SCAM THAT WASN’T A SCAM... OR WAS IT?) Colin Fullilove Kids Matter Inc.
Last year, a local publication reported -- sans evidence or attribution -- that a Texasbased 401(c)3 charity was a “tax shelter scam.” Not mentioned was the name of the agency’s man on the ground here, Colin Fullilove, who lived in a pretty nice house, sipped Chivas and drove a
rather nice car – which looked a bit skeezy since the guy was supposed to be in charge of a non-profit. Cash, well-heeled benefactors, and rumors flew in and out, but the rag never bothered to take ten seconds to pull the group’s U.S. tax returns, which showed nothing odd: in fact, no one at Kids Matter Inc. pulls down much in the way of a salary. The organization looks clean as a whistle from top to bottom, much like the shelter it runs here on the island. Director Joe King wasn’t pleased with the accusation, and said as much. Which isn’t to say nothing scandalous happened when Fullilove was around. But Kids Matter, Inc, a tax shelter? Not bloody likely.
BEST LOCAL CHARITY SOL International Foundation Started by pair of U.S. baseball fans, SOL helps kids on Roatan every single day. On weekday evenings, the courts in front of AKR come alive with the sound of kids improving their basketball skills. Children from the colonia can come for help with their homework or to learn English. Art and music programs enrich the lives of kids who don’t have creative outlets in school. SOL partners with
Peggy’s Clinica Esperanza and the AKR medical clinic, making sure those without access to hygienic health care are taken care of. The group does all this with donations and fund-raising events, like the annual Golden Buoy dive-shop contest (which is always a blast) and tasty food events galore. Making this happen is Dave Elmore, a soft-spoken Southerner who also coaches Little League and put together an amazing ballfield behind Woody’s gas station. If you know Dave, you know he’s truly one of the best of the best.
BEST PLACE TO TAKE OUT-OFTOWNERS Hole in the Wall Jonesville
Getting to Hole in the Wall involves a bit of work. There is no road, you leave your car at a gravel lot in Jonesville, and wait at the dock. An observant neighbor radios the bar and tells ‘em you’re there. Then, a kid piloting a small dory comes to pick you up and cart you to Hole in the Wall, which is better experienced in all its brokendown, ramshackle glory than described. This is a place you don’t want to miss if you’re only here for a visit. The menu (bigger than you’d expect)
offers lunch and dinner most of the week, with a big BBQ party on Fridays and Sunday. While you’re here, you can count on a dory owner to offer to take you on a mangrove tour – a heck of a lot of fun if you’re game. You don’t really go to Hole in the Wall because you want to shovel the Bay Island’s best surf and turf in your mouth (it’s decent), you come for the experience and to say you did it. Then you return, and tell everyone you did it again.
BEST GARDEN CAFE Earth Mama’sWest End When the road is hot and dusty, the sun is blazing, and you need to find a shady spot to simply chill, come get in the shade at Earth Mama’s. Tucked back in a grove of lime and banana trees, away from the hustle and bustle, Earth Mama’s spells relaxation. When it’s hot you can get a frozen smoothie. Breakfasts are hearty and healthy, and lunches offer plenty of non-hot items to help you cool off. The Thai chicken salad is divine. Back in the huge thatched-roof palapa, yoga takes center stage. There’s something healthy and positive about this spot. You’re out of the sun, sitting in the shade, beating the heat. And that can’t be beat.
BEST PARTY SPOT Island Saloon Dixon Cove The food might be one reason to come to the Saloon – it’s inexpensive and you get a lot – but nightlife is its big draw. Live bands and DJs set up with regularity and the fun lasts longer than a Roatan sunset. During the day it’s stewed chicken and beef, but at night it’s bump and grind. Weekends are off the chain here. If you want to party the way the islanders do, you’ve got to come shake it here. Make sure you don’t have anything pressing to do the next morning.
BEST LOCAL CELEBRITY “Caveman” Ron Ryan Though Ron has spent much of his time off-island in recent months, he’s still out there on the television pumping Roatan to the world. Last year at this time, Ron was featured on the SciFi channel program Mystery of the Crystal Skulls. They over-dramatized the heck out of it, and it was a bit silly in spots, but the show, examining one of the world’s biggest archeological mysteries, touches upon Mitchell Hedges and his search for a crystal skull here on Helene. Ron gets down and dirty in a cave, but just like Geraldo and the Al Capone vault, they don’t find shit – despite the producers trying to tie the skulls to the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar, the lost continent of Atlantis, aliens from outer space, and Indiana Jones. Keep on keeping on, Ron.
sports AND RECREATION
though it can be done, the entrance is just past the... nah, better not go there. It’s certainly not easy to wade through the sharp rocks at the shore of this tiny cove, but it also can be done, with care … and proper footwear. Up on the ironshore roam wishwillies, while below, crabs, trilobite-like critters and colorful worms cling. At the mouth of the cove is the twisted remnant of a stormbattered ship, now nothing but a mess of corkscrewed and jagged metal. Past that are gigantic coral heads, more colorful specimens encrusting the walls, and if you head a few hundred yards east, yet another, very small, secluded cove for the adventurous awaits.
it looks, but you’ll be there soon enough. That ship is big up close, but you can’t get that close, because it looks as if you’d need about 200 tetanus shots if you got even within 10 feet of this bad boy. The waves threaten to bash you into the boat, which is part of the fun, but there’s a lot to see. Pieces and parts. Large rusted metal things. Finally it’s time to head back, which is even more brutal, and you’d better hope the tide didn’t go out while you were gone. Back on the dock, you’ll see the rusted hulk all the way out there, but you’ll never look at it the same way again.
BEST SNORKEL ADVENTURE
We could tell you…
Dixon Cove Wreck
BEST KAYAK ADVENTURE (for the brave)
(Partially) circumnavigate the island Yes, it can be done; no, it’s not easy; and buddy, you’d better have gallons of sunscreen. It takes at least a week to paddle around Roatan, and once you get out there past Port Royal, it truly is a wild world. Our intrepid pal who completed the journey a couple years back remembers the camping, the clear night skies, the peace and quiet and the sense of accomplishment. From West End or Sandy Bay, head upisland. You can cover about 10 miles a day, with stops at Palmetto Bay, Paka Lodge, Marble Hill, and Camp Bay. Slip through the mangrove
canal, and on the south shore, head for Port Royal. If you encounter a strong headwind in Big Bight, you’ll need to keep pushing, or it’ll blow your boat backward. Bring your big biceps for this one.
BEST KAYAK ADVENTURE (for the not-as brave) Half Moon Bay to Luna Beach
Rent a kayak in West End. (Some bars and restaurants will even let you take ‘em out for a while if you buy lunch or dinner.) Get comfortable with it right there in the shallows by the church. Practice getting in and out; paddle around a bit. Head to the left of the buoy in the center of the channel and cruise out
over the reef. Don’t touch it, but stay close as you turn to your left. Watching for boats and water taxis, start heading toward the two-story white building at the end of West End (Sueno del Mar). When you’re close to it, identify Luna Beach’s imposing profile and big dock. Under that dock -- if you get out, slap on your mask and look hard enough – there’s a little seahorse, waiting just for you.
BEST SECRET SNORKEL SPOT The gran keyhole between West Bay and Flowers Bay You can find this place on Google Earth easily enough. Telling you how to get there by car is… problematic,
From Las Palmas there out on the pier, you thread your way through a crack in the reef. It’s best done at high tide to avoid scraping the coral on your way out. Once in the open sea, head for the massive rusty behemoth in the distance. It’s quite a trek and definitely a lot farther than
BEST SUPER-SECRET SNORKEL SPOT But then we’d have to leave you there. And your mom would probably kill us.
BEST BONE FISHING Palmetto Bay It’s an awful journey on that road, but fisherman have long felt lucky on the flat sandy beach over at Palmetto Bay Plantation. Palmetto is quiet
and secluded, out of the way – the kind of place to hide and write the great Roatanian novel – but also the perfect spot to walk across the silent, empty beach and bonefish, spending hours of standing in solitude.
BEST FLY FISHING Flowers Bay Beach Across from the school by the sandy shallow beach in Flowers Bay, old-times have been congregating for generations. You’ve got to get there by 5 a.m. to make it worth your while. By 8, you’ll know if it was necessary to wake up so damn early, or if lady luck will make you wait for another day.
BEST DAY TRIP Cayos Cochinos A jaunt to the Hog Islands is perfect for those with limited time on their hands but looking for time away from crowds and cars. Leave first thing in the morning, and you’ll have time to get to the cays, spend some quality time in the water, eat a meal that someone just pulled out of that same water, and maybe get up in
the bush and see yourself a pink boa constrictor. A great getaway that can be done quickly.
BEST OVERNIGHT TRIP Utila via Vern’s Catamaran Hook up with Vern right there across from Coconut Tree in West End; he usually leaves for Utila around 1 p.m. The rust-colored condos of West Bay shrivel into Lego pieces as Pumpkin Hill, Utila’s only elevation of note, begins to grow. Coming into the Utila Town harbor, Vern will dock up as you look into accommodations and dinner. Make the most of your nightlife time, but don’t overdo it: Vern leaves early in the morning, and hangovers ain’t so much fun on the bouncy way back.
BEST WEEKEND GETAWAY Cangrejal River The rocks and rivers around Pico Bonito National Forest are not only spectacularly rough and rugged, but supereasy to get to from the island. A trip on the yacht and a quick
taxi ride, and you’re ready to go river rafting or do the El Bejuco waterfall hike, a threehour slog of switchbacks you might have all to yourself. Stay at the eco-lodge/b&b of your choice, and don’t forget the camera: birds during the day, big dumb bugs at night. One of the prettiest places Honduras has to offer, and it’s right there.
BEST DIVE INSTRUCTOR FOR NEWBIES
Marco at Coconut Tree Divers West End Is it your first time? Feel a little scared? Are you ready to go all the way, but you just want to make sure it’s with the right person? Someone who won’t go too fast, and someone who really, really knows what he’s doing? Introducing Marco. Marco takes his time. He’s gentle. Your satisfaction is his goal – but at your pace. Last thing he wants to do is scare you off. The experience begins in a darkened room, upstairs – with videos flashing playfully on the screen. Then, Marco will enter, and with a knowing look, take you by the hand. The fun starts when he gets you in the water. As you both go down, again and again, you’ll know you’re in the hands of a true expert. Of course he brought protection. How about a safety sausage? Marco’s funny, sweet, caring, and one hell of a professional. When you hire him, you’re getting a dive instructor you can relax around and trust. You’ll spend a few days with Marco, and at the end of your brief encounter, you’ll be a changed person, just slightly different. Forever. Cherish the memories. They say you never forget your first time.
BEST DIVE SHOP SIGN West End Divers West End “Free air! (tank extra). Free advice. Free opinions. And you can pet the cat! Free!” “Free call home (earth only).” A dive business with a sense of humor, West End Divers once advertised naked dives on its signs ‘o silliness. Best of all, on the “recent sightings” board, all passerby get an idea of what’s been spotted in the deep blue. Leopard flatworms, Spinner dolphins, bearded fireworms, and Sargassum triggerfish have all made this newsy bulletin board.
BEST NEW BAR GAME Ring When Ring first turned up at Oasis last year, its simplicity was stunning: a ring, a string, and a hook. That’s it. A Caribbean original, invented on the Bahamian isle of Bimini by Ernest Hemingway (says one story, anyway) about 40 years ago, Ring is a minimalist masterpiece. All you have to do is grab the ring, let it swing, and try to catch it on a steel hook that’s screwed into a pole. It costs nothing to play, is extremely addictive, and the variations (blindfolded, upside-down, etc.) seemingly endless. The Green Flash bar at Land’s End is one place where you can watch some Lords of the Ring in action.
BEST NEW SPORT Paddleboarding at Steve’s Paddle Shack, West End Stand-up paddleboarding is a serious, full-body workout, and offers you a unique van-
tage point out there in Half Moon Bay. You’re literally riding the waves, or walking on water. Steve Hutton’s little shack behind Sundowner’s is the spot to get with the program. It’s best to pick a calm day -- after a Northerner comes down is a no-no. After a short training session, you’re off. Just don’t make the mistake of staring at your feet. Keep your eyes glued on the horizon. Don’t paddle too furiously or you’ll tire yourself out quickly. Soon you’ll get the hang of this addictive new experience. Steve or his staff will even snap a picture of you on the board. Try doing a headstand!
up, Cookie! On weekend afternoons in spring, the ballfields behind the gas station in West End, fill with coaches and kids, some in proper footwear, some in sandals, some barefoot. The air’s thick with the scent of fermenting cashew fruit and the mingling of English, Spanish, and Island. Parents cheer on their children, and the games can get thrilling -- especially for the victors. If you’ve got a few hours to kill and want to see some talented, competitive athletes having a blast, check out and cheer for the Cardinals, the Diamondbacks, the Yankees, the Pirates and the Braves.
BEST CHEAP THRILL
BEST EXPENSIVE THRILL
Little League Baseball West End Roberto’s on second. Miguel’s dancing on third, anxious to make it home. It’s up to little Anthony, armed with an aluminum bat almost as tall as he is, to make it happen. Sure enough, with a mighty swing, the half-pint superstar nails it for a double. Daniel, who just took a shot to the shin, is walking it off like a man, though he’s only 9. Hey! A pop fly -- but someone’s slacking in the outfield. Wake
Karl Stanley’s Submarine West End Sure, you might see a swimming horse now and again, but the head of a horse? 2,000 feet under the sea? That’s how Karl attracts the sharks. Let’s make this simple: attention cruise-ship folks, with a few hours to kill on Roatan! How’d you like to spend a few (coff, coff, several) hundred bucks doing something really cool? This is basically the only place on the planet
you can do this. It’s not as if there’s a hundred Karl Stanleys out there, a similar dude with a sub on every island. Nope, that ain’t happening. This is unique. And if there were a hundred Karl Stanleys, wouldn’t that rip some sort of hole in the fabric of space and time? Like we need more of that during rainy season.
BEST ISLAND TOUR Chris Benson at Tranquil Seas Sandy Bay A British ex-pat, Chris certainly wasn’t born and raised on Roatan. But those who’ve opted for his island tour know he’s a treasure trove of information. From the history of the Garifuna, Paya and pirates, to fruit companies and land barons, politics, environmental concerns, horticulture... there’s not much this dude doesn’t know. He
dispenses this info with a dry wit -- and unlike some tours, he doesn’t booze you up first. It’s not a party boat - you’re having a genuinely good time. You’ll head east from Sandy Bay, swing around Morat and Barbaret, and you’ll learn Chris is an expert at picking secluded snorkeling spots untouched by regular tour-paraders. He’s not only a certified Royal Yachting Association powerboat captain, he’s a good Samaritan, as well: on a recent expedition, he found some stranded, cigar-chomping tourists with their guide and busted-down boat in the Pigeon Cays. He hooked them up with spark plugs and got their rig going again. His preparedness shows. Chris’ all-day trek is $180, covers 120 nautical miles and he even feeds you lunch -- and that’s the best bang for your buck by far.
BEST PLACE TO WALK ALONE West End to West Bay Got some thinking to do? Mulling over something sticky? This is a nice, 45minute walk that is best attempted (duh) at low tide. After winding through the end of West End, you’ll notice a few new developments you hadn’t seen before. Be careful on the bridge, as the steps are rusty. Though you can do it in flip-flops, Crocs are a better idea. Sunscreen is essential – if not, the reflection of the sun on the water will seriously burn one side of your face off. When you get to West Bay, reward yourself with a drink. Or take the water taxi back for 50 lemps.
BEST PLACE FOR A JUNGLE HIKE Pick a gulley, any gulley In general, any drainage from the hills down to the sea presents a fine place for a hiker to ascend. Most gullies make for a natural path, and many of those are augmented with man-made machete’d paths as
well. Lots of paths are carved out against property and fence-lines. In Flowers Bay, for example, the gulley that starts near the Three Brothers Sweet Shop goes over the island’s spine and ends up in West End, while the road just behind the white pulperia begins a road that begets a trail that’ll take you to all the way Sandy Bay.
BEST PLACE TO SEE ((MOSTLY) ITALIAN) BREASTS
The beach in front of Henry Morgan’s Europeans: So culturally advanced and cool they know that naked boobs on the beach are a great thing. Yet so backward and unfashionable they send dudes here wearing Speedos, banana hammocks, whatever they call ‘em... awful things that are just as distasteful to people as the boobs are welcome. We’re just reminding you that this is where the hot naked-lady action is -- not suggesting you should come here and stare. They have the Internet for that, you know.
BEST PLACE TO SEE BIG-ASS GROUPER The Aguila Wreck Anybody and everybody can go on this dive; usually AKR’s boat will get you out there. Around the wreck, massive grouper obviously identify which boats belong to AKR and act accordingly, since they remember when they used to get fed all the time. It’s not a school of grouper, it’s a bona fide university. The boat captain doesn’t toss out chum to make these big boys breach the water anymore, but these huge, protected residents of the marine park sure are something to see.
a croaking song known as “the foghorn” sound, or some call it “the boat whistle.” Whatever – it’s freakin’ weird. And in Spooky Channel, that narrow little chasm of coral there in Sandy Bay, the croaking is amplified by the walls. It is spooky there, in the narrow neck at the end, but that is when The Song of The Toadfish crescendos. Revel in it, comrade.
Goods and SERVICES
BEST PLACE TO SEE HAMMERHEAD SHARKS
West End Wall next to Texas Lighthouse/Tip of the Island Down in the depths, always beneath you, no matter how deep you go, they’re waiting. To catch them, you need to find someone willing to do a pre-dawn raid. Wake up early – no, earlier than that – and get out there to the point just before dawn. You’ll see their spiraling silhouettes beneath you. That’s a familiar outline, huh? Don’t worry. They’re down there, and they don’t want you getting to close, either.
BEST PLACE TO HEAR THE CROAK OF THE NIGHT TOADFISH Spooky Channel Sandy Bay It’s well-known that the toadfish is particularly ugly and aptly-named. It’s not as wellknown that they also produce
BEST PULPERIA Bodega Julissa Coxen Hole There are lots of things to love about Julissa’s red-andwhite pulperia near El Triangulo. First is the convenient location -- just pull over and pop in. Julissa’s got a massive selection of everything a pulperia should have, and everything is cheaper here than almost anywhere else. Diapers, hair dye, toilet paper, smokes -- necessities and necessary evils abound. There’s even a small meat counter now. Schoolkids from ESBIR across the street can buy their supplies for class here, and so can overworked teachers. You can always grab a bottle of rum -- look at the mas-
sive selection offered at very affordable prices. And then there’s the always-affable Julissa herself. What’s not to love?
BEST PLACE TO BUY A MACHETE Serrano Industrial Coxen Hole Serrano’s has something for everyone, from enough lumber to build a house to a simple key chain. Resembling a big old-school five-and-dime in the States, Serrano’s is a great place to wander around and find stuff you didn’t even know you needed. It’s always packed and always busy, but the staff is always friendly and helpful even when they’re
slammed with customers. With machetes the necessity they are on our dense, overgrown isle, it’s hard to find a better selection or fairer prices than Serranos’s.
BEST PLACE TO BUY A HAMMOCK The Hammock Guy Your front porch You could find a hammock at a store, sure, but the best way to replace your old hammock is by reclining in it with a book and a cold drink while you wait for The Hammock Guy to show up. He’s always walking around shouldering his wares, and he seems to know exactly when your hammock needs replacing.
His timing is impeccable, his prices lean, and if his selection is a bit thin, factor in the element of convenience: all you have to do now is hang it up and get back to relaxing.
BEST HARDWARE STORE Ace Hardware French Harbour Of course, it’s all sorts of wrong to name a big chain the best hardware store when the island is peppered with small ferreterias of all shapes and colors. Not that we want to kill off that indie spirit, but Ace has so much stuff that you’d never find anywhere else on the island, there’s a friendly, English-speaking staff, and they sell the finest pots and pans on the island. Is that wrong? This Ace is more a home center than a hardware store, with a roundup of ceiling fans, light fixtures, gas grills and their various parts, as well as automotive and boating odds and ends.
BEST LOCAL NEWSGROUP RoatanHistory@yahoogroups.com Sometime, chitting the chat on the other Roatan-based Yahoo! groups is less than fun. Egos bang up against each other like unmoored boats, thinly-veiled insults are typed out, and debates can get contentious. Sensing this, some of the veteran oldtimers started up RoatanHistory a few months ago. These sort of first-hand accounts and tales of island life back in the day are revelatory and will certainly become part of the oral history of the island.
BEST CONVENIENCE STORE PetroSun Coxen Hole Walk in, there’s an ATM on the right, toiletries and auto stuff and … hey, this is basically like small grocery store, not a whole lot different from a 7-11 in the States. Sun’s convenience store certainly is convenient and will sell you everything a mini-super should, plus a big array of U.S. goods. It’s not as if you’re stocking up for a big road trip, but you certainly could, what with Gatorade and beef jerky and bags of chips. The aroma of popcorn is a nice touch. There’s also a decent selection of rum and wine.
BEST WINE/Liquor selection The Bulk Gourmet French Harbour Pulperias might sell cheap Tatascan and big bottles of Flor de Cana, but if you want a wider range of options when it’s time to get your drink on, you gotta get over to Butch and Sherry’s. Anything your heart (and weakened liver)
could desire can be found at the Bulk Gourmet, including enough mixers to allow you to open your own bar. Rum, vodka, whiskey, super-fancy tequila, wine from around the world, and all kinds of imported beer (you can always find Heineken and Guinness here, Red Stripe, Asahi, Sapporo, Murphy’s Irish Stout, PBR, Dos Equis, Yuengling and Beck’s) reside here. Plus enough foreign food and fresh meat to keep a connoisseur happy. Truly, Butch and Sherry have it all.
BEST CIGAR STORE Epicure Port of Roatan Canadian Kevin Miller has spent the last 20 years learning about cigars. Traveling to Cuba and the mainland of Honduras, he spent time making his own, learning from the very best. He checked out factories in Ojo de Agua and Danli, honing his craft, and when one of the old masters looked at his creations and said, “very good, gringo,” he knew he was doing something right. He still makes his own cigars
and knows where to find the best tobacco, but mostly he stocks the finest Cuban and Honduran stogies around. At his swank Port of Roatan palace, Epicure, fine wines and cognacs await the cruise ship cognescenti. His shop in West End is more casual but no less attractive: bloodred walls and a cool clientele make it a popular sunset (and late-night) hang.
like passengers on the subway. But once in West End, the station started to hit its stride, and boost its signal and its cachet. Definitely catering to the boomer ex-pat crowd, the party-hearty vibe pretty much sets the tone for the graying West End nation, blasting pure classic rock and a mix of dance and island jams. A welcome addition to the airwaves.
BEST PLACE TO BUY LENCA POTTERY
BEST PLACE FOR HEUVOS DE TORO
Anthony’s Key Resort Gift Shop, Sandy Bay
Eldon’s Supermarket French Harbour
You probably wouldn’t think a gift shop inside a popular resort would be the place to find inexpensive touristfriendly stuff, but it’s hard to beat the prices and selection at AKR. Honduras’ traditional pottery is popular and attractive and each piece is unique. Descendants of the Lenca tribe of indigenous people still hand-craft this pottery with soil, clay, smoke, dried corn husks and twigs. It’s pretty much an all-female affair, working all day to keep their ancestors’ traditions alive. AKR’s gift shop is always a nice spot to escape the heat and look at cool stuff.
They call it an aquired taste. When you absolutely have to fry up a batch of Rocky Mountain Oysters, (or take pictures of bull testicles with your cell phone and send ‘em to your peeps) this is the place to come.
BEST RADIO STATION TO START IN THE LAST YEAR Roatan Radio 101.1 FM
Birthed in discontent over at Plaza Jackson, then transported, pink, naked and squealing, to its new West End digs, Roatan Radio got off to a rough start. Their antenna (which occasionally chose to operate) was stolen, the license was a mess, and DJs seemed to pass through
BEST SCOOTER RENTAL
BEST VIDEOGAME/ DVD STORE
BEST HOME FURNISHINGS
Capt Van’s West Bay/West End
Action Rental Coxen Hole
Umbul Umbul Outside of West end
An imposing man with an imposing knowledge of movies, Murray Russ also runs the tightest ship in the scooter business. On this island, riding a scooter comes with a few risks, but Murray and his staff always go the extra mile to make certain safety is the number one concern. Helmets are free when you rent a scooter here. And it’s not just scooters -- Captain Van’s also rents DVDs, bicycles, motos and can take you on an island bus tour. Their Yamaha scooters fit two passengers comfortably and always look in tip-top shape, and are powerful enough to roar right up Difficulty Hill without any difficulty.
Papa Chulo, who runs this clandestine storefront, resorts to any and all methods to get you what you’re looking for. If he doesn’t have it in stock, he’ll obtain it for you. Mysteriously (best not to ask too many questions) it will show up, often overnight. Bring your jump drive and leave with it full of films -- the best, the latest, in English, Spanish, whatever you want. He’ll even crack your XBox for you and load you up with pirated games, charging you $25 which means you don’t have to wait for Dad to bring ‘em back back from the States. Billy! Put down that copy of Saw IV. It’ll give you nightmares.
No, Dian Lynn’s not cooking anymore -- stop asking her! But don’t stop coming to see what arrived in that shipping container filled with funky island items from Indonesia. She’s over there in Bali, probably haggling over a few rupees or whatever the heck they use, in some Godforsaken sweatshop, just so you can hang up that batik thingy on your wall. Seriously, though, there’s so much cool stuff here to pore over and drool over and want to spend money on it’s not true. And Dian’s been here long enough to know what looks cool in Roatanian homes. Those glass wall sconces still beckon. Someday. Someday.
BEST PLACE TO GET A BOUNCEHOUSE AND A WEED-WHACKER
BEST place to buy beer
Bay Islands Equipment Rentals, Dixon Cove
Need six cases of Salva Vida on Good Friday at 5 pm desperately? Just call Jackie at Deposito Roatan and she will deliver. Literally. Ever since she opened her Hill of Happiness location, she’s been able to ensure West End and Sandy Bay bars and clubs are stocked with suds. Now you no longer have to drive all the way out there to the cerveceria if you don’t feel like it. The convenience factor can’t be beat -- c’mon, you probably drive past this place twice a day -- and buying beer by the case is always the way to go on Roatan. First, it’s cheaper. Second, buying returnables means fewer bottles as trash.
Though the name doesn’t imply a ton of fun, this place is actually a party palace. You’ve probably seen (or jumped around in) the giant bouncehouse, which attracts kids like moths to a bug-light. With a popcorn machine, cotton candy machine, sno-cone machine, tents, chairs, tables, chafing pans and helium balloons, you’re all set for a huge session. In addition to those fun-filled items, you can rent big stuff you wouldn’t necessarily buy: generators, hammer drills and pressure washers, for instance. Maybe even a weed-whacker.
Deposito Roatan Hill of Happiness West End
FOOD and RESTAURANTS
BEST PASTELITO
BEST STREET FOOD
Chapi Catrachas West End
Baleada Mama Next to the pay phone at the old Twisted Toucan/new Booty Bar
Best straight from fryer to napkin to your greasy hand, pastelitos are kinda spent if they sit around too long. Pull up a stool at Chapi’s and they’ll deep-fry you a little embroidered pie of flaky dough stuffed with either carne o pollo. They’re only 25 lemps, and one of them stuffed inside a baleada sincilla with hot sauce makes a quick and tasty breakfast on the go. For $2, mind you. So leave a tip.
For years, one woman whom everyone calls The Baleada Lady (with help from her daughters) has maintained this time-tested, tried-andtrue roadside grill. On weekend nights, it a safe bet that she gets more traffic than most restaurants. Her fare is simple – grilled meat, fresh flour tortillas, beans, a splash of hot sauce – and prepared right there in front of God
and everybody. West End workers and adventurous tourists keep coming back for more.
BEST BALEADA Coffee Shop Mangrove Bight You can get a basket of fried shrimps here, or island-style fried chicken. But we always come for the baleadas, L25 a pop, exploding with carne molida. These righteous little gut-bombs are the equivalent of Kelis’ beloved “Milkshake” – they bring all the boys to
the yard. And so does Kasha, your comely and comedic hostess with the brand-new baby and the winning smile. Coffee Shop is the place to hear lots of local gossip, play dominos, or drink a few Imperials while you watch a dog take a nap. Evenings get slightly more lively, but the vibe always stays carefree and friendly. This one of those hidden gems you half-hope stays hidden.
BEST FANCY BALEADA Celeste’s Island Cuisine West Bay There’s more than a little irony in Celeste’s mission: selling a $9 baleada on an island where the going price of such an item is rarely more than a buck. But the joke’s on you, Mr, and/or Mrs. Cynic, if you don’t check out these hearty and handsome creations. These gourmet baleadas are extravagantly packed with shrimp, lobster or grouper -- if you want the full-on experience. They’re loaded with yummy scallions and crema and make for a belly-busting good time. Plus your hosts -Celeste, Milos, and that rascally son of theirs, Jacob -- are always happy to see you.
BEST PIZZA Shark Cave Pizzeria West End It’s hard to remember what West End was like before Shark Cave came around – or to overstate the culinary revolution this hole-in-the-wall has brought about. Virtually overnight, this little shop (run by Juan Marcincak, an Argentine immigrant) garnered a reputation for amazing pizza, and quickly became one of
the most popular and consistent restaurants the island’s ever seen. One thick, chewy pie could feed a small family unit. The bread is homemade, chewy, and awesome. The pizza ranges from simple to kitchen-sink complicated. Two dipping sauces, one roja and one verde, come recommended for the strong of tongue.
BEST ISLAND BURGER Haydee’s Island Cuisine Flowers Bay Locals know and love Miss Haydee, the effervescent lady who oversees this tiny seaside shack. Reasons to stop by abound, but one is surely for the taste of a real island burger, made from fresh Honduran ground beef, not a frozen imported patty. Every once in a while, when the frozen hockey puck doesn’t appeal, the sloppy, messy island burger is the right choice. We’d also like to mention that Miss Haydee prepares spectacular fried chicken and the occasional stew-beef specialty.
BEST ANGUS BURGER Sundowner’s West End All restaurants on Roatan have to rely on the same suppliers for their ingredients.. So why is the Angus burger at Sundowner’s better than anyplace else on the island? Maybe because of the setting. A long-running beachside institution, Sundowner’s is basically Roatan’s paralleluniverse Cheers, where every local knows every other. It’s a classic seaside dive, perfectly situated on the beach, where
you can watch the sun sink into Half Moon Bay. Did we mention it’s always stocked with cold beer and that the blenders are worked like sweatshop slaves until they catch fire and die? Grab a stool, and one of those chargrilled bad boys.
BEST FRENCH FRIES Creole’s Rotisserie Chicken West End This tried and true local favorite never changes – not even the plastic tables and chairs get rotated. With Creole’s pumping out quality roasted fowl and fried shrimp, cole slaw, and amazing coconutflavored rice ‘n beans – all perfect, every single time – sometimes we question the need for any other eatery to exist. You may have to wait for a table some nights, but this laid-back little shack is well worth the wait. Best of all are the fries. Far too often, a Roatanian French fry is a limp and flaccid affair. These tasty taters are fried in an aromatic oil almost reminiscent of a donut or cruller, and they’re as crisp as can be. So there. Bon appetit, pomme frite.
BEST COFFEE Passion Blend at Cool Beans West Bay Honduran coffee absolutely ranks up there with the world’s finest. And the best of the best seems to originate in the mountains around Copan. Locals all have their individual preferences, but the best morning cup we’ve tried is down at Cool Beans. A new owner runs the joint, but the brew remains the same. They describe the Passion coffee as rich, medium-dark and ro-
bust. It is, and strong, too, but without the bitterness you’d expect from such a big flavor.
BEST ICED COFFEE Fresh Bakery and Cafe Alba Plaza/Gibson Bight Now that the brutality of summer is upon us, drinking hot coffee loses some its appeal. Sipping coffee in the sun sounds like slurping soup in a sauna -- and who does that? Crazy people, that’s who. The saner among us run into Fresh for a to-go cup filled with ice, truly yummy joe that’s been brewed and chilled, and a straw, served up by your lovely host, Christina (is she ever not smiling?). One iced coffee will help you continue to buzz along and get your work done without breaking into a sweat or panting like a dog. And we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that the fruitfilled danishes are the bomb, perfect little items to pair with your coffee.
BEST CARBS The Noodle Shack West End You won’t find many (if any) detractors of this tiny, beloved establishment. In fact, tourists and residents resolutely agree that the Shack and its patrons, Christian and Shannon, absolutely rock. Stop in, and they’ll cheerfully greet you by name. Across the street awaits a seaside cabana where you can enjoy the breeze. The noodle bowls (vermicelli, rice noodles, egg noodle, udon, etc.) are way too huge but always loaded with your choice of protein, and a variety of sauces (curry, peanut, etc.) make it a mixand-match experience. The combinations, studded with
– wondrous flapjacks of joy that are gloriously simple and delicious. Reason two –the main event -- is the amazing fresh fruit smoothies. They’re gigantic and creamy, for starters, and the choices are almost endless. The usual suspects are here (coconut, banana, mango, etc) but some less-typical offerings (mamey and guanabana, for instance), pop out from the menu as well. A great way to start your morning.
BEST ORIGINAL ITEM fresh vegetable action, are adjustable in terms of fiery spice. Also notable: the giant spicy shrimp hand-rolls. For peerless service and filling, pan-Pacific food, the Noodle Shack is unbeatable.
BEST MEXICAN Cannibal Café West End This West End institution promises “no one leaves hungry,” which is likely true. We submit the legendary Big Kahuna burrito as Exhibit A. If you can eat the whole thing (which is the size of a newborn human infant), then you eat for free, and hopefully remain alive. The Cannibal’s take on Mexican food won’t strike many as authentic, but it’s a popular place for drivers and tourists to grab a bite and a few margaritas. Don’t miss the anafres (a yummy bean/ cheese/tortilla chip concoction), the giant quesadillas, or the fish tacos.
BEST ISLAND FRIED CHICKEN Comedor Jaylin Coxen Hole Locals “swear by” this “openair hole-in-the-wall” next to the Jackie Woods Clinic that serves “a lot of everything.” But “gringos and cruiseshippers” should “check out the fried chicken.” It’s “not fast food by any means,” but it “sure is worth waiting for.” Fried chicken is a subjective thing, and there’s plenty of it around, but something Jaylin does is “undeniably special.” (Apologies to Mr Zagat!)
BEST SMOOTHIES
Viagra Soup at Miss Jenny’s Lusty Lizard Dixon Cove When you visit the irrepressible Jenny Solomon, you’re treated like family. If you’re a stranger from another place, definitely stop in – Miss Jenny is a character. And you won’t be a stranger for long, especially after you write something on the wall where so many have shared their thoughts. We’ve had some great meals with Miss Jenny (lobster and ribs come to mind) but the Lusty Lizard kitchen is also famous for its Viagra soup, a potent fishbased medley that’ll get you up from half-mast again and again.
Geophi’s/Rudy’s West End
BEST CHICKEN WINGS
Sure, Rudy’s makes a killer tipico breakfast served with strong coffee, and some other stuff too, we’re pretty sure. But there are really two simple reasons we love Rudy’s. One: the banana pancakes
One excuse to drive out to Marble Hill Farms is to try the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the island. Putting the island’s fantastic
The Crow’s Nest/Marble Hill Farms, Oak Ridge
fruits into jars is this place’s m.o. Hibiscus jelly remains the most popular, but new products seem to pop up all the time, like the hog plum preserves. A marriage made seemingly in heaven is the Crow’s Nest’s amazing sweet and spicy wings with muttonpepper jelly. The wedding may have been officiated by Reverend Yummy Yummerson. These wings are ginormous, breaded and fried extra-crispy, and coated with a glaze that is both fiery and sweet, with a touch of brown sugar. You’ve got to try ‘em.
BEST HOT SAUCE Chile Cabro 9564-8825 You might find longtime restaurant fixture Swiss Marie between jobs, but rarely does she run low on her legendary hot sauce, Chile Cabro. What does a French-speaking pastry pro know about creating a condiment from Honduran chiles? Evidently a lot, from the taste of her product. Rather than knock you over the head with heat, Chile Cabro comes on slow for a creeper burn. The hot hotness never overwhelms the flavor -- a peppery, vinegary glow.
BEST ROTISSERIE CHICKEN Rosticeria Aleman Mount Pleasant Covering much of the same menu as its West End doppleganger, this German outpost is under new management and always keeps the quality high. It’s not fast, mind you, but that gives you more time to enjoy a beer or two while you chillax at this quaint roadside eatery. This chicken
is fall-off-the-bone tasty and has to be healthier than its fried counterpart, right? What’s with the weird building just behind this place? The one that looks like R2D2’s head? Anybody know?
BEST ONION RINGS Sunshine Beach Bar & Grill Sandy Bay Onion rings aren’t big on the island for some reason, and frying up frozen rings from a package doesn’t cut it. Sunshine Cafe realizes this and fights back with its own homemade rings. Handsliced, hand-battered, handfried, these gloriously greasy onions will keep you coming back for more. Served with ranch and horseradish-y cocktail sauce, the batter here isn’t too think and isn’t too thick – think Goldilocks’ just right. Oh, and if you’re here during happy hour, you get a free cup of the best homemade bean soup on the island. Just saying.
BEST RAW FISH Rendezvous Café des Arts West Bay Well, with only one sushi bar on our little island, where else you gon’ go? Run by the Schaub family, this tastefully outfitted West Bay home offers Japanese beer and sake with a nice variety of raw fish, all prepared by Eric the Sushi Guy, who’s quite the conversationalist. He or his wife Lila can also whip up some tempura or a beefy stir-fry, but as it’s just those two working, maximize your “island time” skills. Since so many of us require a sushi fix, it’s in your best interest to order in advance and/or make reservations.
BEST DELI Mangiamo! Market and Delicatessen West Bay Mall Mangiamo maintains a chic selection of ethnic food, basic necessities, wine, beer and liquor. Popular with beachcombing tourists but still a favorite with locals who want A/C with their a.m. eggs benedict (or French-dip lunch), Mangiamo is beloved for giving folks a cozy, sophisticated place to shop and hang out. Mangiamo scores high on the deli barometer, having the best assortment of cheeses and meats, fancy chocolates, sushi ginger and hot chili paste, plus British staples like barley water and Spotted Dick. (Hey – quit laughing.) They also take credit cards.
BEST SUNDAY BRUNCH The Lighthouse West End If you drink champagne (or mimosas) you’re getting the most bang for your brunch-time bucks at this weekly session, because the sparkling bubbly keeps flowing on Sunday mornings at the Lighthouse. This splendidly-situated icon of West End burned to the ground a few years ago, but it’s back. And we’re glad. On Sunday mornings, your host Miss Johnna makes sure everyone’s happy, and Sam-Sam the chef keeps the outstanding eggs benedicts coming. The blueberry coffeecake is a big winner as well, but with at least eight different plates to choose from, you’ll definitely leave with a full belly. Go home and take a nap after that. Only thing missing? A copy of The New York Times.
BEST BLOODY MARY
BEST HOT DOG
Made by Michelle at The Wet Spot West End
The Nacho Dog at the Hungry Munky West Bay
Nestled against the side of Tyll’s dive shop, the Wet Spot bustles in the mornings as people pick up fast and yummy espresso and cheap and filling baleadas and pastelitos. Afternoons, you’ll find locals and visiting divers BSing around the bar, beers in hand, eating the fish tacos that win every popularity contest. Always stay on the good side of Michelle, the Wet Spot’s boss lady, whose acerbic tongue and vintage sass give the place its inimitable charm. She’ll fix you a peppery, asskicking Bloody Mary that’ll open your eyes and put hair on your chest. Her recipe out-tangs the tangiest. We happen to know a few of her secret ingredients -- but if we published ‘em here, certain precious body parts would be in danger.
BEST STEAK Pineapple Grille French Harbour When you must have a hunk of dead cow, you can gamble with Honduran beef. Sometimes it’s soft; too many other times it’s shoe-leather tough. Here at Pineapple Grill, that’s never an issue. The steaks are flown down from the U.S. and are dry-aged in-house. Roughly modeled after the menu and style of a Ruth’s Chris or a Morton’s of Chicago, the brand new and already popular Pineapple Grill is high-end but not high priced. The steaks are remarkably tender and flavorful. The chic interior offers a nice counterpoint to the hustle and bustle of Herby’s Sports Bar, the neighbor upstairs.
On Roatan, it’s hard to find anyone making an authentic South or Central American hot dog. You can make one your own -- crush some potato chips and put ‘em in the bun, then top with pineapple and bacon -- or order up a Nacho Dog down at the Hungry Munky. You get a perfect Vienna dog with cheese, ketchup, mustard, mayo, crushed corn chips, and relish. Old dog, meet new twist.
BEST HAPPY HOUR Best Chinese/Jamaican Fusion: Blue Parrot, Sandy Bay Happy hours are a dime a dozen. No matter wheremenu you go, The Blue Parrot’s is the concept is (orasshould be) unique, seeing it’s massimple as a by wimple. terminded AnnieRoughly Chin, a between the hours of 5 and fantastic Chinese/Jamaican 7 you That should offeryou hungry cook. means can drinkers something to soak order spicy jerk chicken and up themein booze. Meeting that chow -- together! The need shrimp is The Crooked in jerk salad isPalm excelWest loaded End. Each it’s lent, withTuesday, fresh vegchicken Thursgies. Thewings. Char Every Sui ribs are day they makeglazed chili dogs, Chinese-style with only aspices. buck apiece (do fes‘em island Plus there’s with onions and all mustard), tival, bammy,and the JA and if you’re wise you’ll just accoutrements you’d expect shovel themStripe in your mouth -even Red every once anda while. keep drinking. in
BEST USE OF BUTTER Gio’s French Harbor A great – maybe the best -- reason to visit French Harbour, Gio’s is an upscale seafood restaurant with an air-conditioned room, a nice dining room, and a big deck on the water. The top reason to go continues to be the king crab dinner, which comes with gallons of delicious
garlic butter that has stained many a nice shirt. You can get a variety of sauces here to accompany your fish – the jalapeno is righteous – and every fish comes grilled, broiled, or fried. A very classy joint with a stiff breeze off the water, this restaurant is mentioned quite a bit in the Roatan-based crime novel The Judas Bird. Credit cards accepted.
BEST CURRY The Deck Café Mount Pleasant Owner Garry Wanless spent 20 years in the U.K., where he perfected the dishes he’d learned in South Africa. In fact, the city of Durban, where he grew up, boasts the largest Indian population outside of the subcontinent. That’s where he learned to create such mouth-wateringly awesome curries. This pan-cultural blend makes Wanless’ creations more than unique, and he does a wonderful job mixing ingredients he obtains overseas with what he can find locally. Fans of Indian curry need to pay a visit to the Deck, where you can shoot a game of pool after dinner.
Best place For Fresh Bread Before Dinner The Lily Pond House West End
The Lily Pond House is located in West End, right by the turn to the submarine. This secluded garden boasts a beautiful lily pond along with fabulous restaurant as well as bed and breakfast accommodations. Proprietor Zak, originally from England, started The Lily Pond bed & breakfast five years ago; the
restaurant has been serving satisfied customers for more than a year and a half. Chef Luis, from Tegucigalpa, offers an international menu of seafood, steaks, pork chops and more. No matter what, you absolutely must try the fresh homemade bread served warm from the oven with butter and a mouth-watering salsa. Be careful -- you may fill up on bread before dinner comes! Visit Zak and Luis at the Lily Pond House and enjoy dinner in a tranquil, relaxed garden hide-away.
BEST FRIED HOG Parrot Tree Palapa Every Sunday, the folks out at Parrot Tree throw a big islandstyle cookout. The best thing about this hog fry is it’s free. It always turns into a pretty good bash, usually packing in a couple hundred people. Delicious crispy chunks of pork and chicharron keep coming all afternoon. The hog seems to have spent time in some savory broth, or maybe the oil is flavored. Maybe both. Good for you? Probably not. Finger-licking good? Unquestionably.
BEST TIME WARP BJ’s Backyard Oak Ridge A trip to Oak Ridge would stand as criminally incomplete without a stop at BJ’s. Removed in time, like you’re in a movie, this backwoods little shack on the water is as homey and primitive as it gets, a living remnant of an era when life on Roatan moved a lot slower than it does now. Colorful atmosphere? Local gossip? Gallons of bug spray? George Jones on the jukebox? It’s all here. You can sit
in an old rocking chair with your beer and swear you’re in the Keys relaxing while remembering Nixon. BJ bakes her own French bread daily, and there’s always fresh fish around. A dandy spot to tie up your boat and pop in for a burger and a beer, BJ’s is the kind of relic you’d probably never stumble upon on your own, but which shouldn’t be missed. Try the unforgettable rum-sauced bread pudding!
BEST HONDURAN FAST FOOD Big House Burger French Harbour With a very close approximation of a mainland hamburgesa, Big House beats its
neighbor, Wendy’s, in every single department. This bonafide Honduran fast food joint faithfully offers you A/C, a waiter and table service every time you visit. But eschew the hand sanitizer, unless you’re filthy and/or you want your meal to reek of rubbing alcohol. The burgers here range from poco and sencilla (small and simple) to mammoths packed with patties and toppings, -- and you better believe Dave Thomas rolls in his grave and his daughter cries every time you take a bite. Big House sells every other Central American fast-food fave as well, from papusas to tostadas to tacos. Nary a baleada in sight, but Big House is every bit as Honduran as Lempira’s profile.
BEST WINE LIST
BEST ISLAND LUNCH
BEST ICE CREAM
Vintage Pearl Restaurant and Wine Cellar, West Bay
Marlyn’s Restaurant Gibson Bight
Kika’s Caribbean Creamery Bananarama/West Bay Beach
At this upscale eatery next to Bananarama, even the house red (Montes, from a small but award-winning Chilean winery) is special. Oenophiles will find much to froth over on this extensive list. Hard to find items? How about a luxurious 2004 Cabernet Sauvignon from Far Neint in the Napa Valley? Or maybe a Petaluma Reisling from Australia? With 65 different wines offered, you may well have questions. Just ask your hostess, Angela, who can answer then definitively. She’ll point you to the familiar, or maybe toward something rare and obscure -- like the 2004 Sequoia Grove cab -that might just become your new favorite.
For a quick and filling roadside meal, you can’t do much better than pay a visit to Miss Marlyn, who’ll sit and converse with you about the weather or whatnot while you wait on fried chicken, conch stew, roast pork or whatever island dish fits your fancy. Nothing complicated here, just your standard beans/ rice/plantains with a side of meat – island food prepared the way islanders have done it for generations. The misspellings on the menu add to the down-home charm. Iguana is served seasonally -this is a tried and tested place to try out the green reptile. However, we will point out that iguana is endangered on this here island, so don’t do it more than once. Recently Marlyn expanded, so there are seats and plenty of parking all the time. Get down there!
Once upon a time (not that long ago, really), Roatan had gelato stands sprouting up like weeds, even making baby gelato stores. Then one day, legend has it, a bad man attacked all the gelato shops and the Cream of the Trops and took them away to a dark, nasty cave in the bush. OK, that’s possibly an exaggeration, but there’s not really much around if your tooth wants sweet and cold. Kika down on the beach in West Bay might not have every exotic flavor under the sun, but it’s sure not made from a mix. And she’s got a huge assortment of frozen yogurt, too. If the dude on the 3-wheel bike doesn’t cut it for you, then the home-made soft-serve cones served up at Kika’s definitely will.
BEST TOM KHA GAI
Ooloonthoo Indian Cuisine Restaurant Mangrove Bight
BEST BARBEQUE Blue Bahia Beach Grill Sandy Bay Owned and operated by burly expat Kent Burnes (who oversees an enormous smoker pit and an array of barbecued delicacies), Blue Bahia has one of the biggest -- and best -- menus on the island. This is the place to come when your usual, normal hankering for ribs cascades into a debilitating obsession. Pulled-pork sandwich? Blue Bahia can handle your habit. Beef brisket? Please, don’t get us started. Other outstanding favorites include almond- and cashewcrusted fish and shrimp; coconut lobster, pulled-pork sandwiches, awesome steaks and daily fresh fish specials. A bit on the pricey side, but this is probably the very best beach dining in Sandy Bay. Credit cards accepted.
Tong’s Thai Island Cuisine West End When a restaurant is markedly more expensive than its neighbors, you’ve got to ask if it’s worth it. At Tong’s, the portions sure don’t justify the prices. It’s the quality that makes Tong’s cost more. Tong is from Thailand, and it shows in every dish. Take his tom kha gai, for instance: one of the finest creations involving chicken and coconut this little island has ever tasted. It’s authentic as all get-out, made with local fowl and coconut milk, ginger, lemongrass, mushrooms and basil. It’s not too sweet, but not too pungent with fish sauce, either. Very nicely done.
BEST PLACE FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER First things first: Ooloonthoo is Honduras’s only Indian restaurant. As you might expect, a meal here is nothing short of a serious dining experience, an epiphany even. The dishes are presented with artistic flair galore (definitely bring your camera) and the setting is straight out of a Bollywood romance: a huge temple-like A-frame, high on a hill. It’s the perfect place to bring a date you’re trying to impress – it’s hard not to be blown away. The outstanding food is full-on five-star: spicy pork vindaloo from Goa, Trinidadian curried beef , Rajasthani red lamb curry… it sounds too much, but it’s
actually never enough. Chef Paul James not only studied at The Stratford Chef ’s School in Canada but also in India – intensely and quite seriously, it would seem – and his Indian-born wife, Soden, always makes visitors feel personally doted upon while she guides them through the menu. Ooloonthoo offers nightly dinner service by reservation only; you must call at least a day in advance to reserve a dinner seating.
BEST DÉCOR Besos West End A Canadian girl with more than a little bit of interior decorating skills created the “Besos” flair. The swank, hip eatery, martini lounge opened last summer and hit big with tourists and locals. Specializing in International/Caribbean Fusion of local fresh seafood, fruits and vegetables including the in house made Lobster Gnocchi with your choice butter cream wine or garlic basil rose sauce (yum). Everything about Besos is classy, upscale and clean, but we love the awesome lampshades, the dim candlelight, the blood-red walls, the vases with sprouts of red ginger, the low-slung leather couches, the wooden screens, the thatched roof, and the hardwood tables and chairs. Well done, Besos.
BEST MONKEYLALA Hiram at Luna Beach Past West End on the beach Goodness knows any bar on Roatan worth a Salva Vida can blend up a tasty monkeylala – that creamy cocktail the ladies swoon for. But if you want one that’s over the top,
off the chain, full-tilt boogie, you’ll want to either walk along the sand (the recommended method) or drive down the long and winding road (just tell the guard you’re going to the restaurant) to Luna Beach. Hiram is a mixologist, and he takes his job very seriously. He’s known for whipping up crazy concoctions of varying hues and strengths, like a mad scientist. But check out this guy’s monkeylala setup. Instead of using coconut cream from a can, Hiram’s employs a bottle of his own coconutty blend that he stashes in his bar fridge; no one else is allowed to touch it. A closely-guarded (but yummy) secret.
who hunts these evil critters, kills ‘em, filets them and brings ‘em to work. Sunday evenings is the best time for lionfish, which is so delicious and sweet they’ll probably go from predators to endangered species in a year. Seriously, this is one tasty fish. Served blackened, it can’t be equaled. Bring in your lionfish -- already prepared -- and trade it for a bar tab at this place. Die, lionfish, die! Pass the lemon.
BEST Place to eat lionfish
For years, expats wanted an American-style sports bar on the island. One man, Herb Morici, stepped up and built a place that befits a man of his stature. The brilliant concept: pour millions of bucks into creating a state-of-the-art space that has it all, including one killer view. Line the room with 32 TVs, so you can watch
Lands End West End If you haven’t tried lionfish out of fear or hestitation or superstition or just because it’s not on many menus, now you’ve no choice. Land’s End has a diver/bartender
BEST RESTAURANT TO OPEN IN THE LAST YEAR Herby’s Sports Grille Pineapple Villa/French Harbour
the Spurs/Lakers game and a boxing match at the same time, play Texas Hold ‘Em, or compete in an online trivia contest. Decorate the walls with kick-ass sports memorabilia from Herb’s private collection. Ship down cold kegs of Bud, Sam Adams, and Guinness. Next, squeeze a gaggle of hot chicas into referee outfits. Then make the food high-quality and exactly like back home -- but so inexpensive you think the price is a typo (check out the pizza and you’ll see what we mean). With a cutting-edge cook (Dino from Romeo’s), Salva Vida selling for 40 lemps like the good old days, and a talented staff that aims to please, Herby’s is pure marketing genius. With a side of sweet potato fries.
BEST BAR TO CLOSE IN THE LAST YEAR Oasis Pool Bar Sandy Bay We miss the constantlychanging menu written on a pair of whiteboards. We miss the frozen drinks and cocktails, poured by a class-act Gringo staff that always made sure you were having a good time. We miss the occasional live music gigs, DJ sessions, movie nights and themed
parties that made Oasis the best expat hang on the island. Remember the time that dive contest got out of hand? “Which one?” you’ll answer -if you lived here long enough. We miss our pals Mark and Joanie Flanagan, who went on to bigger and better things. Mostly, we’ll always miss our little Oasis.
BEST RESTAURANT TO NEVER SAY DIE Rick’s Café Sandy Bay Rick Gilson, Jr. has owned an eponymous restaurant on Roatan for as long as anyone can remember. A seasoned foodmonger from the States, Rick puts a decidedly comforting expat American touch on his food. Steaks and burgers are done the way you’d expect to find at a family restaurant back in Anytown, USA. After a bitter season of moving from one location to another and even cooking in other folks’ kitchens, Rick went back his old upstairs haunt in West End and then back to his house/restaurant off the road in Sandy Bay. It takes more than a live-music ban to keep Rick down. He won’t kiss your ass, but he will make you a great dinner.
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BEST PEOPLE TO PICK UP A NEW MAGAZINE You guys All over the island
If you’ve made it this far, and you’re still holding this magazine in your hands with a smile on your face instead of lining your birdcage, we want to thank you. We hope you enjoyed your journey through our first annual Best Of Roatan issue. Our award winners are all available for you to check out online at www.roatannewtimes.com. And who knows – you might even find a few that didn’t make their way into print! Next year, with your participation, our Best Of Roatan issue will be a lot bigger and better. We’ll let you fill out and send in ballots, we’ll beef up the categories, and we’ll probably throw a big old party when all is said and done. Stay tuned next month for the proper Web and print launch
of our monthly magazine, Roatan New Times. We’ve planned a colorful assortment of features, news from Roatan and the Caribbean, arts coverage, music profiles and reviews, plus pages of food and restaurant coverage, with wahoo up the wazoo. As we get up to speed, we’ll introduce columnists writing about diving, cooking, local history, and even bring aboard a love/sex/ relationship expert! Fans of The National Lampoon, Spy magazine, and The Onion will get a kick out of The Green Mango, our satire section where we hope to make our little island laugh at itself a bit. With daily-updated blog postings to bring you breaking news from around the island, our site will have Roatan tweeting, twit-
tering, and talking. We’ll play a little bit of “Guess Where I’m Eating?” We’ll bombard you with Top Five lists. We’ll always be adding photos, interviews, recipes, and music for you to check out. And we want you to start carrying a camera in your car, so you can help us out with Taxi Of The Week, a chance to expose and document
the insanity we see on the road every day. Send in your best Roatan taxi snapshot (and accompanying story, if it’s good), we’ll pick a winner and post it on our site. Again, thanks for picking up our Best of Roatan issue. Welcome to our little world.
directory Ace Hardware 2455-7810 Action Rental 24452544 Adam Rusty Fish 9947-8975 Anthony’s Key 2445- 3003 Bay Island Equipment Rental 2445-1228 Besos 3302 6093 Big House Burger 2480-5233 BJ’s 2435-2125 Blue Bahia 2445-3385 Blue Parrot 9558-4245 Bodega Julissa Bulk Gourmet 9937-6762 Café Arts 9936-2594 Cannibal 2445-4477 Celeste 2445-5069 Chapi 2445-4217 Chris Benson 9958-4719 Coconut Tree Divers 2445-4081 Cool Beans 2445-5048 Creole’s 9879-1767
Crooked Palm 9687-8864 Deck Cafe 9920-9727 Deposito Jaqueline 3368-6598 Earth Mama’s 9607-0704 Epicure 9905-0497 Fresh 9745-6189 Gio’s 2455-5214 Gladys 3216-5068 Green Flash / Lands End 9817-8994 Herby’s 2445-7653 Hole Wall 3346-6834 Hungry Munky 8990-4103 Iguana Farm 2445-7743 Jenny’s Lusty Lizard 9795-2292 Karl Stanley 3359-2887 Kika’s 9696-0707 Lighthouse 2445-4505 Lily Pond 9754-0306 Mangiamo! 2445-5035 Marlyn’s 2445-3097
Murray’s 2445-4076 Noodle Shack 3256-2615 Ooloonthoo 9936-5223 Palapa 9607-9240 Petro Sun 2445-2451 Pineapple Grille 9891-0566 Ricks 9146-7170 Roatan Radio 101.1 FM 9796-3996 Rotisseria Aleman 9710-1495 Rudy’s 2445-4203 Serrano’s 2445-1444 Shark Cave 3303-2230 Steve’s Paddle Shack 9864-7083 Sundowners 2445-4158 Sunshine 9929-4720 Tong’s 2445-4369 Umbul Umbul 368-1098 Vintage Pearl 3311-4455 West End Divers 2445-4289 Wet Spot 3371-2827
Roatan new times online www.RoatanNewTimes.com If you’ve made it this far, and you’re still holding this magazine in your hands with a smile on your face instead of lining your birdcage, we want to thank you. We hope