Roatan New Times Issue 2

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Our Best of Roatan 2011 issue is available for viewing!

For our blog archives, head over to RoatanReporter.wordpress.com

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Back Forth

Summer 2011 Editor Jeff Stratton Publisher/Sales

Summer | 2 0 1 1 Vol. 01 | No. 02

Kevin Stratton Art Director Consultant

contents

Lori Reed, Reed Creative, LLC Preflight / Cover Illustration Adi

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Design/Advertising/Production Susan Reed Cover Photography Palagio Productions

music 21

island map 18

feature 12

Feature Illustration Bill McConnell Map Peter O’Malley/ruatan.com Contributing Writers Sheryl Norman, Joe O’Donnell, Kevin Stratton, Jonathan Cunningham and Chef Francis Copy Editor Karen Hague

inbox/editor’s letter.............................5

map...................................................... 18

island flavor ....................................... 26

local news...............................................6

calendar............................................... 20

the green mango................................ 36

caribbean island news.........................9

music.................................................... 21

shame and scandal............................ 10

going deep.......................................... 24

ON THE cover: The Life of Brion: everything you wanted to know but your ears were ringing too much to ask

dreamsicle nightmare.......................................... 12

hanks to the people who picked up our Best Of issue. We’re just starting out, but promise to grow and improve. No glossy paper for us. We’re pulpy non-fiction (actually there are a few made-up stories in here… check out The Green Mango.) Newsprint… environmentally friendly and you can wash windows with it. Is that a bad thing?

The positive vibe the Best Of generated will continue. The sort of investigative feature included in this first proper is a far cry from a Best Of, but it’s all part of our plan to raise the bar on the island in terms of both reporting and writing.

Our upcoming features include an exploration into the health of the reef, an in-depth look at a favorite local sport, and an exclusive interview with a reclusive reggae royalty figure. We want to expand our small circle and write about Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, Cozumel— our island has more in common with them than it does San Pedro Sula—and attempt to position Roatan more as a tropical Caribbean island than a third-world Central Americanized problem child.

We hope you stick with us. In the end, as our letters to the editor attest, you can’t make everybody happy, even when you’re giving them an award and writing nice stuff about ‘em. Oh well. After all, it’s Roatan.

— Jeff Stratton

Editorial Intern Kaela Watkins

Letters to the editor must include author’s phone number for verification. Letters must be less than 200 words.

Send to: Jeff Stratton tel: 9956-9845 feedback@roatannewtimes.com

__________________ www.RoatanNewTimes.com editor@RoatanNewTimes.com

Whole Lotta Love Just finished with Roatan New Times -- read it straight through -loved it. It’s a wonderful resource for newbies and old-timers in Roatan. Please save me a copy of each issue that I miss. Great work, guys!

Erin Young, Via the internet

feedback@RoatanNewTimes.com cel (504) 9956-9845 sales@RoatanNewTimes.com cel (504) 9922-5638 __________________ All content ©2011 Roatan New Times All rights reserved. All wrongs reversed.

Just Do It I grew up with the New Times in a certain upstate/central NY place, memories of which compelled me to wish you the very best in your endeavor. It feels, already, that it will be successful.

Very close to moving to Roatan myself -- if/when it happens, I look

Annual Subscription Rates Domestic: $46 US: $120 Canada: $175 Roatan New Times is not affiliated with New Times/Village Voice Media Inc.

The Deck Cafe’s new location at Las Palmas in West End. See page 26.

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forward to meeting you.

In the meantime, do it up!

Regards, Tim Peth, Via the internet Start with a kicker…

Now this was a FUN magazine to read and so informative. I found out things I didn’t even know about places on Roatan. I got a kick out of some of the Best Of ’s like Best Place to Make out and Best Island Phrase. I mean, who thinks up these things and how do people find out about them? LOL. Thoroughly enjoyable.

Maria Garcia Via Roatan Reality chat group

summer 2011

>>Got something to say? Emailfeedback@roatannewtimes.com

Add One Part Haterade I have to be the negative one here, I like the look, very cool we have new literature here BUT… how can you have a Best Of with only 1-5 opinion input, is there not a vote in most Best Ofs? Very inaccurate in my opinion, not that anyone cares. Maybe if Sundowners would have paid for an ad. Hmm… guess that was a bad move. Sorry, next time, we’ll pay for ad space. Will you give us the Best Sunset we deserve?

Christine Celeste Arms Etches Via Facebook Finish with Silliness I look forward to another magazine. I like the Voice but boy, those people can’t spell! Jim brought home a copy of this new magazine so I started reading it.

This first issue is about Best of Roatan 2011 and it does cover everything. There were places and people I knew absolutely nothing about. Roatan is far more expansive than I realized.

The best part, though, is reading the descriptions of each and everything Roatan, all laced with humor and some of the best descriptive adjectives I have seen in a long time. I laughed myself silly through a lot of it.

I didn’t know that the consensus was Sunshine Cafe had the best onion rings on the island. Since that’s where we are having lunch next Tuesday, I’m ordering them!

This magazine was absolutely loaded with solid information described in a humorous manner.

Kudos to the writers.

And toward the end, there are upcoming items they will be writing about such as Taxi of the Week. Now, that should be great reading. And they provide phone numbers for just about every business.

Looking forward to the next issue!

Islandsox Via Roatan Reality chat group

Spell checking for Fun and Profit I loved the mag and especially loved the fact that I could read through an entire page without finding misspelled words and I could actually understand the things that were written! Great job!

You can’t please everyone – just hang tough and keep doing a great mag!

Tori Chriestenson, Via Facebook Name checking for Accuracy I just returned from two weeks in the U.S., and went to Plaza Mar for some provisions. That is where I saw your new publication. As I waited at the checkout, I opened it and went to the first page of “Best Of” and my name jumped out… what the who!!!!!! I am having a hard time making my hat fit on my head this morning feeling all “big up” like dat.

Thank you so much for the accolade.

Of course I purchased your product and very much enjoyed the following takes on so many different categories which make up our life on Roatan. Fine effort to say the least. I saw on your Facebook page the comments on the tribulations and expense of getting your project together. I am glad that you could persevere and get it out there for everyone to enjoy and that your investment is recouped.

All the best for the future success of Roatan New Times and the excellent writing. Somewhere a few months ago I read some of your ramblings on Roatan life maybe as a blog, which I enjoyed very much as well. Where are your articles posted?

Please keep up the great work….

Oh yeah, as they have been telling me all my life “i before e except after c” which makes it RIEMAN… whoda thunk it???

And oh yeah, again, the “Margaritaville” ditty is always after a request for a Jimmy Buffett tune, but you are right, it will be relegated to where it needs to be… not on a set list!!!!

All the best for continued success and creativity, Bobby R., Via feedback@ roatannewtimes.com 5

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aturday mornings at 11 a.m you’ll find a tasty slice of island life in the Roatan Radio studio. That’s when the station is taken over by Miss Daine Wood Etches and Miss Sheryl Norman for their show Bay Islands Time.

During one week’s episode, station owner Lowie Crisp dubbed the pair “two chicks dishing.” Their program is casual, informative and funny, with Miss Sheryl usually the one to take it into LOL territory.

They try to keep the show G-rated.

“But things just slips out,” Miss Sheryl says. “I have one hour a week to say whatever I want,” Miss Sheryl laughs.

Ironically, Miss Daine is something of a radio pioneer. In the mid-70s, she could be heard on Radio Roatan, a small AM station than was run out of a home in Coxen Hole next to the big bridge.

Now she’s on Roatan Radio, next to Sundowner’s. Her program is a way of preserving and sharing traditions that are at risk.

“We see the need,” says Miss

local news >>know some news? Email editor@roatannewtimes.com

KEEPING IN TOUCH No phone card?

“Some of dem buy an iPhone, some a dem buy a Blackberry phone, some of dem, expensive phone, but they got no card in their phone,” laments Jhaytea, the Flowers Bay youth who now spends most of his time pimping Roatan up in NYC. On Roatan, where TIGO, Claro, and Digicell cards are scratched off, used up and thrown away faster than Iowans in Hollywood, there are options if you’re out of cash yet need more saldo.

Different EZ-topup services on the internet offer customers the chance to add minutes to their cell phones online, but buyer beware.

After using tried and true etopuponline.com for a few years with few problems, I was forced to try a new topup service after my usual provider locked me out.

I found babblebug.net, who promised basically the same thing etopuponline had been providing for years: adding minutes to your cell phone, instantly, over the internet with a debit/credit card or PayPal. The first time trying babblebug, it wasn’t instant at all. The fine print on the website said it could take up to an hour for the minutes to show up.

A bit longer than that, the phone buzzed with a message saying I’d added 100 lempiras to my saldo.

But the next time I needed babblebug to hook me up with some TIGO minutes, things got ugly. An hour passed, then a day. Emails sent to babblebug’s support went cheerfully unreturned, and calling the customer support line got me nowhere either.

(How exactly do you reach a 1-800 number in States with no saldo on your phone? That’s for another column.)

I filed a complaint with PayPal, which was escalated to a dispute (a very exciting time during which a flurry of important-sounding emails 6

came from PayPal – all over a $5 charge).

In the end, my account was credited, and I never heard a word back from babblebug (yes, I checked the spam filter).

Babblebug’s website is still up and running. So who knows what happened.

Another online site, eztop.com, offers Digicell minutes, is instant, but charges $.70. For sure, etopuponline.com has come through for me many times when getting a card is impossible: 1 a.m., for instance. It takes only a minute to do using a card or PayPal, though the PayPal method saves you a .50 transaction fee.

Sign up with a username and password and you can add minutes to your TIGO or Claro (no Digicell yet) cell phone. As soon as you click “I agree” on the screen, you get a text message saying the money’s there. In your phone.

It’s fast. The only problem is, make a mistake with your password and it’s easy to get locked out.

Which is frustrating, because who would be unhappy if someone hacked into their account and deviously added minutes? Actually, for some of us poor folks here, having a sugar mama or daddy in the States sending us saldo wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Anyway – here’s the first installment of an occasional column that’ll give you tips on keeping in touch with loved ones back home.

Daine, “and as islanders we realize how quickly we’re losing our island culture.”

“In island vocabulary, the word ‘relative’ does not exist like you would use it in America,” Miss Sheryl says. “They are FAMILY.” And on Roatan, “Who you don’t think is your family, is your family.”

Case in point: Miss Daine points out that her mom and Sheryl’s grandmother are sisters. Miss Sheryl has traced her own roots as far back as far as Warwickshire, England, circa 1560. She’s a seventhgeneration islander and says Miss Daine’s Roatan ancestors have been here five generations.

Miss Sheryl says going to wakes is the best way to get information on island family trees. A lot of it is interviews and oral history, but she’s got a ton of documents as well. She uses ancestry.com and a cool software program to keep everything organized.

“I eat a lot of conch soup,” she laughs -- a staple at Roatan wakes.

“And you know,” she continues, “there’s a difference between wakes

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local news Chitting the Chat and Chewing the Fat With Bay Islands Time

by Jeff Stratton

in a white community and wakes in a black community. Black people wakes are the best. You got food, you got booze, you got music, you got entertainment, dominos, you got fights... When you go to white folks’ funeral and wake, it’s a different thing. The women go and sit in one area and they all cluster like hens together. And everybody sits down there and the women talk about how they’re the best at this or that. They up the ante. Then the men cluster together and they drink, and they brag.

Black folks, it ain’t none of that -just everybody having a good time.”

Miss Daine laughs as she remembers a visit from her daughter a few weeks ago, who apparently believed some of the show’s topics could get misconstrued -- especially since roatanradio.com is beamed out live to the world. “Stop talking about Coke and Pot Cake,” she told her mom. Coke of course is referencing Coca-Cola, and pot cake does not mean marijuana brownies. It’s like a bush cake.

Sheryl, who talks about island cuisine on the show, explains further: “Pot cake is baked in cast iron pot in mud stove for about three hours,” she says. It’s got yucca root, cassava root, flour, rice, breadfruit, coconut milk, sugar, and spices. It’s heavy cake, no leavening.”

The best part of the show is when the pair introduces island words and phrases and translate them on the air.

Miss Daine re-enacted a choice one for the Reporter down there at Sundowner’s after the show.

“I’ll say, for instance, ‘Last night at the band dance, so-and-so got chune up. They serve some bad boca, next morning had a bad goma, head ringiní up, belly were ringiní up, he had open belly.’”

A good laugh is had after that, naturally, and then they both go about telling me what was said:

Speak like an Islander Band dance: live music Chune up: drunk

Goma:

hangover Open belly: had the shits, from the…

Bad boca: the baleadas or pastelitos or whatever street food you had the night before was spoiled.

Ugh. We’ve all been there. And it ain’t no fun.

Bay Islands Time, all the time ROATAN new TIMES.com

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caymans

cruise news “ We… will joyfully stop in your happy port again in the future, I’m sure…” _________________________________ CHIP-WRECKED procedures against a crowd of old, rich Brits who’d already been ON ROATAN screened again and again.

You may not be a fan of the animated series of Alvin and The Chipmunks kiddie films, but you might have to check out the newest installment -- to see if your house is in it! The mostly-CGI flick (ChipWrecked) was filmed aboard the Carnival Dream, with Cozumel, Roatan, Costa Mesa and Belize as “tropical backdrops.” Also, the production crew ran into a few challenges while recording “an important dialogue scene” deck side on the Dream as it sailed away from Roatan. The crew battled “engine noise and waves slapping against the hull.” Come December 16, we’ll find out just how important that dialogue scene was!

NO ROATAN FOR YOU! Elderly passengers on a 72-night cruise missed a stop here on the island when their ship, the P&O luxury liner The Arcadia, was stopped in Los Angeles where the passengers were subjected to a seven-hour security ordeal.

Though they’d already docked and disembarked at 10 U.S. cities, when they got to LA, apparently some of the passengers decided to complain about the stringent 8

This, combined with a computer problem and only 8 officials processing 2,000 passengers, led to a seven-hour delay. At least one complained of being treated like “potential inmates of Guantanamo Bay.” Their “Alaska Adventure” left Southampton, England bound for the Panama Canal, where it headed to the Arctic. On its way back to the Caribbean though, the cruise was a day behind and skipped Roatan as a result.

➽ Crime is dropping. It’s fallen by 12 percent in the first half of 2011.

Serious crime is down 22 percent, and burglaries by 27 percent. In July police set up an amnesty program, asking islanders to turn in unlicensed guns without fear of reprisal. Police say they’re clearing 60 percent of crimes. That should give Roatan some incentive. ➽ But islanders are angry about their electric rates this summer, which average about $.25 a kWh. Wah! On Roatan, RECO’s rates are nearly twice that.

Come back, Jam Cruise! Come back!

Roatan, instead going to faux playgrounds in Jamaica and Haiti instead of here. But Labadee, Haiti, may just have kids with more to worry about than here. The change comes because the 2,884-passenger Celebrity Silhouette is dumping Costa Maya in Mexico as well, and replacing the two stops with Labadee, Haiti, and Falmouth, Jamaica. The Silhouette will launch July 23, leaving Hamburg, Germany,

heading for Rome. It will do some more Mediterranean sailing before cruising to its new home -- Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale. But it won’t be coming here as it does its Western Caribbean tour.

“We go different places every year, and will joyfully stop in your happy port again in the future, I’m sure,” said a Jam Cruise spokesperson, no doubt with a blissful smile on his face.

LOCAL PATCHOULI SALES PLUMMET

jamaica ➽ Many are wary of a proposed Digicel/Claro merger. That would give the new company about 80% of the share of the island’s cell phone/wireless business, leaving LIME, the next contender, with the scraps. LIME is understandably worried about a monopoly. In Honduras and El Salvador, Digicel is reportedly trying to sell its holdings to America Movil, which

owns Claro. Of course, that company is owned by the world’s richest man, Carlos Slim, who brought a pair of his James Bond-ian mega yachts here a few years back.

COZUMEL ➽ Roatan isn’t getting the JamCruise or the BruiseCruise (two rock-band boat rides) but Cozumel is getting the Weezer Cruise. Just a few weeks ago, the band announced a January trip from Miami with a few other cool indie-rock outfits (Dinosaur Jr., Gene Ween, Sebadog, Wavves).

Poison fans, on the other hand, aren’t as lucky. The Bret Michaels tour, set for November and also leaving from Miami heading to Cozumel, has been canceled.

Michaels blamed the promoter and offered refunds. ➽ Also, last month, a 28-pound statue of the Virgin Mary was hacksawed off underwater at a marine park and stolen. ➽ In mid-July, a group called The Front in Defense Mexiquense for

caribbean island news Adequate Housing (peacefully) protested in front of the fancy hotel Gran Melia on the island, where the Inter-American housing conference was being held.

AMBERGRIS CAY ➽ Independent (and coolsounding, for a politician) Melanie Paz is running for mayor of the island’s biggest town, San Pedro.

San Pedro also hosted a huge bash for the Belize Film Festival with DJs and celebrities. ➽ At the Costa Mesa Fest, held in August in San Pedro, Miss Honduras Linda Kennett will compete for the tiara at the Reina de Costa Mesa pageant, where contestants from eight Central American countries try to be queen for a year.

CUBA

See this? Looks like fun? Well, it is. Or was. Whatever, it ain’t happening for us next year, as Celebrity’s re-routing means the ninth annual Jam Cruise won’t be coming to Roatan, as it did for Jam Cruise 6.

The Jam Cruise puts together an assortment of hippy-flavored jambands, the kind pioneered by the Grateful Dead and Phish. But the group’s philanthropic side flourishes too, with musicians and artists getting off the boat and interacting with local kids.

Last time the ship visited the island they hooked up with the SOL Foundation, and Miami-based artist LEBO (who previously did cartoon graphics for the Langerado Festival) presented a bug mural to the group.

But that jam band-scented voyage (what do you think it smells like on there? Pot and patchouli?) is done with our sunny isle for a while.

The JamCruise recently released its new schedule, which rejects

➽ A US professor has charged that the Obama administration has made it even tougher for American citizens to travel to the island, despite promises to ease restrictions. Felix Masud said

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DePaul University, where he is Director of Latino Research, refused to allow him to attend a conference in Havana on July 13 unless he produced receipts and met with lawyers before and after his journey. ➽ Cuban officials traveled to Beijing around the same time to solidify ties and “defend the flags of socialism.”

ARUBA ➽ Believe it or not, there’s a movie coming out about Natalie Holloway and Jordan Van der Sloot, the guy accused of killing her. A Dutch filmmaker has put together something called Me and Mr. Jones on Natalee Island. The movie is about a private detective who breaks into Van der Sloot’s house to find evidence. He remains the prime supect in Holloway’s 2005 disappearance and is sitting in a Peruvian prison awaiting trial for the murder of a Lima woman – one year to the day after Natalee Holloway was last seen leaving an Oranjestad nightclub with him.

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! Shame& roots

Scandal

in the family ALL THOSE JUICY TALES...

by Sheryl Norman

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n 2008, over dinner we were discussing our rich heritage within my Jackson and Arch families. Soon the questions were going around the table, and I could not answer much of them. Sure, I heard enough stories growing up, but over the years some of them forgotten or got so mixed up that I decided then to put my Genealogy roots together and commit all of these family stories to paper. So, in time to come they don’t become a figment of someone’s imagination.

With a book and pen I went to my Aunt Marlene in French Harbour knowing that she had much of the information; I then proceeded to fill in the blanks.

Pretty soon I was able to answer the questions: Where did they came from? Who were their siblings?

What was so interesting about their life? What seems to be such miniscule questions was the base of a continuous journey of discovering who and what my roots were. .................................................................

Our islands, our way of life has always been really fascinating. but no one has actually set out to document our island history from a genealogical point of view. What started for me back then has turned into an island wide project.

Six months into the project of documenting our family tree, Edgar Bodden and I saw that not too many families on the island were documented. Some will say that

they know the information but very few families had someone actually take the time to put it to paper.

We started by visiting the older generation and recreating 90 percent of the island families rich history. Our curiosity took hold and the rest is history.

To date, Edgar and I have collected a database of 31,000+ names and counting. Edgar and I started by asking basic questions.

What we have uncovered are fascinating stories of heroism, acts of duty, pride, and the most unmentionable shame and scandal within one’s family. Each family has those so called skeletons in the closet. But, in essence that is what makes each family so unique.

If you are an islander and are curious as to who you are, start by taking a journey down the road to your past. One has to go back in the past and discover all of those wonderful roots of yours and you will have a much clearer picture as to who you are and you never know what you may find including all of those juicy tales of shame and scandal in the family.

Take a peek. If you need help with your family tree, Edgar and I are most willing to help you discover who you really are.

Please contact us by email at roatan1960@yahoo.com if you would like help putting together your family tree or just curious as to what information we already have on your family – scandalous or not.

101.1 FM Roatan Radio www.roatanradio.com

For Advertising, contact us at roatanradio@gmail.com or call Barbara at +(504) 9796-3996

>>wanna share yours? Email editor@roatannewtimes.com 10

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Dreamsicle Nightmare An ex-pat couple unexpectedly fall into the unloving arms of Uncle Sam

hen Kristin and Scott Haynes left Roatan on the afternoon of June 22 last year, they thought they were taking a vacation. They expected to reunite with family and friends they hadn’t seen in a long time. A summer had passed since the pair last trekked back to the States.

The 56-year-old couple had lived here starting in 1998 for failure to report and since late 2004, and enjoyed a laid-back pay income tax. life in West End. Kristin sold colorful Scott’s first arrest, sentencing, and drawings, and Scott could often be found incarceration brought nearly unbearable at a bar bashing out flawless Who covers stress on the family. The Hayneses two with some pals. young sons, Dustin and Patrick, and After a ferry to Ceiba and bus ride to their college-aged daughter reeled from San Pedro, the couple boarded the redthe separation. eye Spirit Airlines flight to Fort “It was awful,” says Harmony Storms, Lauderdale. Once in Florida, they who followed her parents here in 2005. planned to change planes and fly to Las In her wooden hilltop home Scott and Kristin: the epitome of causal Vegas. overlooking the north shore, she flits photo courtesy Harmony Storms The two smiled as they left Honduras about nervously, like the hummingbirds – with kids and grand kids eagerly that dart outside the screened porch. anticipating their arrival, they had plenty of reasons to be “He was very cooperative – I mean, that’s what you do. happy. But in the back of their minds, a weird feeling You don’t fight these guys.” lingered.

“I was stupid and arrogant,” Scott Haynes told the There would be no vacation. judge in June of 1998, during his sentencing hearing in a After the jet taxied to the gate at the Fort Lauderdale/ Spokane courtroom. “For reasons I am still trying to Hollywood International Airport shortly before 6 a.m., understand, I stepped over the line. It is because I have an announcement over the intercom asked the passengers faith in my good judgment that I will never again engage to remain in their seats. in illegal activity.”

Everyone, the voice said, except Scott and Kristin In a heartfelt letter to the court, Kristin insisted her Haynes. husband was telling the truth. “He’s learned a lot of hard They were remanded into the custody of U.S. Marshals lessons, done a lot of soul-searching, and assures us he and, after a hearing in Fort Lauderdale’s federal will never find himself in trouble again. He tells me again courthouse, shipped to Spokane, Washington -- they’d and again that we will never find ourselves in this lived there, in nearby Colbert, until their move here. situation again. I believe him.”

Instead of a Stateside sojourn studded with grand kids Scott and Kristin Haynes met each other in 1971 and trips to the mall, the husband and wife spent five while each roamed the Greek system at the University of months in the Spokane County Jail.

Utah in Salt Lake City. He remains friends with many After that, they were given federal prison terms. pals from Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

Their problem? Too many cherubs.

“Scott was a rabble-rouser,” recalls Lorne Tucker, who met the pair the same year. “He was rowdy, that’s for Kristin Haynes’s company, Dreamsicles, sold a ton of sure.” little porcelain figurines. She designed bunnies and Another frat buddy, Wade Bledsoe, knew Scott from cherubs, sculpted them by hand, found an international high school. “He had a wild streak, and so did I,” he says. audience, mass-marketed them, and, for a number of “We liked to have fun.” years, made a ton of money when they sold extremely The two made music together, even recording a song well. that Scott’s dad financed. At a dance one evening, Bledsoe But during that time, the IRS charged, the couple went on a date with a sorority girl named Kristin didn’t file tax returns.

Whitney, who had grown up in Utah, the child of a very Scott had already spent nearly two years in prison artistic family.

BY JEFF STRATTON

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photo courtesy Harmony Storms

“Scott noticed her, and he was just smitten the moment he saw her,” remembers Bledsoe. “At the end of the night he came up and said, ‘Hey, would you mind if I ask her out?’ And I said, no, not all – she won’t even talk to me!”

But Kristin’s shyness evaporated when she met Scott.

After their wedding, the two stayed in Utah near Kristin’s parents while Harmony was born. Two years later, they relocated to Long Beach. Scott was part of a touring band, Cyclone, but as his kids grew and his wife complained, that stopped. He started up a headhunting agency that became quite successful.

But Kristin’s success would soon overshadow it. Living in Southern California made frequent trips to Mexico possible. Sometimes, when the family was stuck at the slowmoving border crossing, Kristin would buy figurines from vendors –cats, dogs, or birds made from plaster of Paris.

Once home, she started making her own animals out of clay, Harmony remembers, baking them in the oven. Her brother, Pat, now 24, was a chubby toddler. So cute he was that his mom started making little cherubs with wings, using Pat as inspiration.

“It completely developed from her love of babies,” says Harmony.

Kristin started making as many as she could, selling them at large gift shows in Southern California, where they developed a rabid popularity.

“She always did really well,” Harmony explains. “ She did her own distributing. She had a workshop on the side of our house, and she paid me a little bit to package them.” But soon, Harmony and her mom weren’t enough.

Kristin approached Cast Art Industries, a fledgling Californian firm. They began mass-producing her creations, dubbed Dreamsicles.

They were not an instant hit, according to Cast Art salesman Frank Colapinto. “Yeah, I was pumpin’ Dreamsicles as well as a lot of other brands,” he says. “But at first it was really hard – I had to work my buns off. With any new item, it’s tough introducing it. But 14

then they caught on. Really caught on.”

Who bought them? “Moms, grandmothers. They did really well in the Midwest. When there’s ten feet of snow, they all go to the mall and shop.”

Scott sold his headhunting business around the same time Dreamsicles was taking off. Only 38, he was looking at retirement.

“That had a lot to do with the fact he was coming into all this money,” remembers Harmony. “Things really started changing around 91-92.

Then we moved.”

In 1992, the family bought a home in Sandpoint, Idaho. The town, steeped in conservative fundamentalism, resounded with echoes of militia movements,

she went along with Scott and his views whether or not she believed them. He has a very strong personality. He speaks his mind.”

Kristin, her artistic mind not geared toward number-crunching, was never a businesswoman. She was thinking bunnies, not 1040 forms.

In April of 1998, Scott entered a guilty plea to one count of “willfully attempting to evade the assessment of his and his wife’s federal personal income for the calendar year 1995.”

At Scott’s sentencing hearing that June, attorney J. Clancy Wilson told the court his client “has done everything that can be imagined to accept the responsibility of his actions.”

Wilson explained that Scott

“ They felt like they were justified in asking questions.” ______________________________ sovereign nation statuses, and white supremacists.

“I hated it, personally,” Harmony continues. “I was a California girl, a city girl, and this was a small town, with only 2,500 people at the time. I didn’t fit in. The town didn’t have much going on in the way of art. I didn’t relate.”

But her parents loved it. The skiing was amazing, they made tight friends quickly -- and the money was flowing.

“They were coming into a very fun part of their life. They traveled.

Nothing crazy -- they didn’t live lavishly,” says Harmony. “It was more, like, my dad was home more and we just had a lot more fun.”

Between 1993 and 1996, the government claims, Scott and Kristin earned $5,525,283 from the sales of their figurines.

In contrast to his artsy background, Scott’s love of Fox News (and now, the Tea Party) is well known.

His old friend, Lorne Tucker, thinks Scott led with the antigovernment bayonet.

“Kristin’s demeanor is such that

Haynes had already repaid the government some $900,000 on a total liability of $2.1 million. He asked judge William Fremming Nielsen for leniency.

“No amount of jail time can make him more remorseful,” Wilson said.

“Certainly no amount of time in custody will make him more sincere or caring.”

Addressing the judge, Scott agreed with his lawyer.

“I will always regret the harm I have caused, and the bad example I set for my children,” he said. “I have been selling off my assets to pay off this huge IRS debt. I have Godgiven talents that will help me to be very productive... I ask that you recognize how much love there is in my family and please reduce my time in prison to 12 months and one day. Regardless of your decision, I want you to know I will demonstrate good citizenship for the rest of my life.”

Judge Nielson thanked Scott Haynes for his comments -- and sentenced him to 21 months in prison.

On February 7, 2000, Scott Haynes emerged a free man. If his

time behind bars had rendered him more penitent, it didn’t show.

That summer, the government alleges, Scott starting posting messages on a Yahoo! Group called We The People – Legality of Income Tax. He signed one of his posts “The Evader.”

And he’d openly displayed admiration for Irwin Schiff.

Schiff, an 82-year-old tax renegade from New Haven, Connecticut, has been in and out of jail for the past 35 years. His most recent conviction was in 2006, when he was sentenced to 151 months in prison and was ordered to pay the IRS more than $4 million in back taxes.

Schiff has spent much of his post1974 existence tangling with the government and writing books – usually while dining, thrice daily, upon the fine cuisine provided by the federal penal system.

No fewer than a dozen individuals who’ve followed Schiff ’s advice have recently been convicted of federal tax crimes.

But Scott evidently respected his anti-tax titles, such as 1982’s How Anyone Can Stop Paying Income Taxes and Federal Mafia: How It Illegally Imposes and Unlawfully Collects Income Taxes, published a decade later.

Before he went to prison, the Haynes moved to a smaller home in Colbert, across the border in nearby Spokane County, Washington. The change in location didn’t appear to modify his beliefs.

In 2000, Scott, Harmony, and her husband attended a seminar in Las Vegas where Schiff was speaking.

“We met him, and I thought he was sort of a kooky guy.

We were intrigued. My dad said, “You won’t believe the stuff I’m finding out!” “[Schiff] was a very convincing man, very well-read like my dad,” says Harmony. “He just wanted people to be aware that there was something wrong with the tax code as it was written. None of us were really as motivated as my dad. He would tell friends, “we’re not tax protestors, we’re tax questioners.”

The three grabbed a copy of the tax code and scoured it for answers.

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“I think it raises very legitimate points – to the point where you should feel justified asking questions,” says Harmony. “I think he felt he owed it to himself to ask these questions. He felt like it was his moral and patriotic duty to find out what was really going on.”

In late 2000, the IRS sent a letter to the Haynes home, a notice reminding them to file a 1999 return. It was returned, stamped “REFUSED FOR FRAUD.” According to U.S. Attorney James A. McDevitt’s report, “the United States notes that it appears that some of the tactics the defendants used to thwart the IRS came right out of the Schiff tax protestor playbook.”

For example, the government said, “on April 24, 2001, Mr. Haynes filed an amended zero tax return for the 1997 year and requested a $262,692 refund.”

Scott did exactly what Irwin Schiff told him to – he filled every line with a zero.

That year the pair banked $827,863, according to IRS documents.

By the time the government indicted the couple, it estimated they had earned nearly $3 million between 1999 and 2004 – almost entirely from sales of the Dreamsicles figurines.

In February of 2001, Kristin Haynes mailed a letter to “George W. Bush, President of the [corporate] United States,” formally proclaiming her ex-pat status.

She sent another “declaration of expatriation/repatriation” to “Chief Justice Rehnquist, Supreme Tribunal/court,” renouncing her U.S. citizenship.

The following month, she delivered a letter to the Internal Revenue Service.

“PLEASE BE ADVISED” it began. “I am no longer a 14th Amendment citizen of the corporate United States … I was led to believe I owed federal taxes … please send all monies I have sent to the Federal Reserve (federal taxation) … to me.”

She concluded her missive to the IRS commissioner in Washington, D.C., by warning, “if you have not responded in writing by midnight, ROATAN new TIMES.com

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Kristen and Harmony enjoy an island sunset

20 days from the date of this document with lawful evidence to the contrary, then this document is in full force and effect without objection. GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.” Harmony notes most of the missives were signed, Without Prejudice. “They thought they went about it in a legal and respectful way,” she says honestly.

Like many small businesses, Kristin’s Dreamsicles sales fell sharply after 9/11. In 1999, royalties earned by the company totaled more than $883,000. In 2000, it still remained above $800,000.

But in 2001, Scott and Kristin barely brought in half a million dollars, and the drop-off steadily continued.

By 2006, according to tax records, the Dreamsicle dream was over: Scott Haynes’ total income was $214; hers barely topped $25,000.

As her profits decreased, she and her husband stepped up their anti-IRS rhetoric.

Noting that the Hayneses had sent more than 450 pages of letters and declarations to the IRS between November of 2000 and March of 2004, the U.S. – as it does in every

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case remotely similar -- labeled them all “frivolous tax defier arguments.”

When the two were sentenced, U.S. Attorney James A. McDevitt said that they had cheated Uncle Sam out of a million dollars, adding, “the reality is the defendants stopped filing tax returns because they were greedy and became a member of the tax defier movement.”

Harmony disagrees and believes her parents were simply speaking truth to power. “I felt comfortable with what they were doing, because I believed in my heart -- and I still do -- that their intentions were not to be greedy or to hide money. They felt like they were justified in asking questions.”

The government accused Scott and Kristin of “thumbing their noses” at the tax system. But just a week after their sentencing, Sarah Palin’s new book, America by Heart, blasted the concept of income taxes.

With Palin and the Tea Party talking about the federalist system, paying for the Civil War and calling the 16th Amendment a “dangerous power grab,” it looked like the Hayneses

“We don’t feel the same way, and we don’t really want to take that fight on.” _____________

might have latched onto a popular idea.

Today, Harmony believes “The 16th amendment apparently was never properly ratified, I don’t think.

But who knows?”

There’s ample evidence that she’s right. But as the government has made it clear to those with the guts to challenge them, it’s not a topic they care to discuss. They want citizens to pay – not debate.

Even Schiff ’s basic argument – that taxes are voluntary – is rendered bogus by anyone who’s ever received a letter from the IRS. Do they ever sound like they’re asking for money?

The U.S. legal position – which cites nine Federal court cases as precedent – firmly maintains that “there is no authority that permits a taxpayer that has taxable income to avoid income tax by filing a zero return.”

The government’s stance regarding the Hayneses’ behavior is just as straightforward: “The Defendants’ tactics place them squarely within an entrenched criminal subculture often referred to as ‘tax protestors.’ For years, the Defendants denied that any law made them liable for tax, citing absurd pseudo-legal theories that self-servingly coincided with their own economic interests.”

The IRS compiled data about the Hayneses through March of 2004, when the agency decided to audit them.

While that announcement would send chills down an everyday spine, the pair responded with anything but fear.

Citing “harassing correspondence from the IRS who must KNOW there are NO RECORDS that exist that show [we have] a tax liability and NO RECORDS showing [we] are required to file a form with the IRS,” Scott and Kristin quickly counter-defended.

According to the government’s voluminous case files, Scott and Kristin Haynes then filed a quitclaim deed against their home in Colbert and moved to an island off the coast of Honduras toward the close of 2004.

Old Ben Franklin said only two things in this world are certain -15

Instead, they say, they witnessed frugality.

“They quit going to Tong’s because they said it was too expensive,” reports restaurant owner Rick Gilson. “They were always barefoot. They rode their scooters everywhere.”

“My observation was they just didn’t have that much money,” says Mary Anne Aadnesen, a friend of Kristin’s since high school. “They were clearly watching their nickels and dimes when I was there.”

Kate Stott, a Canadian real estate agent who owns property adjacent to the couple, agrees: “If they have money, they don’t have very much. I mean, we went out to dinner all the time, but Kristin and Scott would order a meal and they’d split theirs, and we’d all split a bottle of wine, but there was never any throwing money around.”

Times continued to tighten belts.

The value of the condos the pair owned on Wilbur Drive, twisted up in legalities, continued to plummet.

“Any money they have is tied up in Roatan real estate,” says Stott, “which is worth half today what they paid for it.”

But there was always a reason to relax.

As doting grandparents, Scott and Kristin never looked happier.

But a desire to fly back to the States began gnawing away. Scott’s grandfather in California needed care, and Kristin’s mom was scheduled for hip replacement in July. Plus, there were more grand kids to love, and friends they’d hadn’t seen in years.

On March 24, a mere three months before their journey, a federal grand jury in the Eastern District of Washington issued an indictment, charging the duo with five misdemeanor counts each for failing to file tax returns.

“I have no doubt in my mind that they had every intention Isn’t it ironic? A “Land of the Free” Dreamsicle of contacting the IRS

making one wonder what tax protestors plan to tell the Grim Reaper when he sends his summons.

But here on the island, the couple toned down the dissent and lived a quiet life. The relaxed atmosphere dampened the belly-fire.

“Roatan really changed them,” says Harmony. “He’s mellowed out a lot since he’s been here. He was a lot more uptight when I was younger.”

Not only did the island calm them, it allowed their artistic tendencies to blossom in new ways.

Harmony, who also majored in music at her parents’ alma mater, had been singing since childhood and would often team up with her dad. They’d rip through the complex sections of Yes’ “I’ve Seen All Good People” with the skill of a professional touring act, not a bar band. But another favorite comes off nearly autobiographical -- as well as oddly prescient.

“I’m hiding in Honduras/I’m a desperate man/Send lawyers, guns, and money/The shit has hit the fan.”

“Lawyers, Guns and Money,” a 1978 hit for Warren Zevon, was exactly the kind of tongue-in-cheek tune Scott would bust out and make his own.

With new grand kids to kiss, the Hayneses seemed happy, even if they weren’t tossing much bling around.

Friends didn’t see a lot of flash.

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or talk to an accountant,” says Harmony, “because they had mellowed out so much down here.

He’d say, ‘We just don’t feel the same way anymore, and we don’t really want to take that fight on.’”

Unfortunately, in the steely, handcuffy mind of Uncle Sam, it was already on.

For flights coming into the U.S., the passenger manifest is routinely run through a database at Immigrations and Customs Enforcement.

That’s what happened to the couple on June 23.

“They [ICE] got the hit and contacted us,” says Barry Golden, public information officer with the U.S. marshal office in Fort Lauderdale. “They let us know they

At one point they sat trapped inside an un-air conditioned plane on an Atlanta runway in July for three hours.

“My mom said that was the worst part of the whole ordeal,” Harmony relates.

The two eventually found themselves on a bus, where they could at least see and speak to each other.

People who knew them here on the island were especially stunned – Scott’s first encounter with Big Trouble wasn’t widely known.

In the States, old friends reacted with dismay -- or didn’t realize the seriousness of the charges.

“I would be dumbfounded if Kristin wasn’t completely caught off guard,” says Aadnesen. “Sometimes

“Their intentions were not to be greedy or to hide money.” ______________________________ were on the flight, and we got them before they de-planed, so we didn’t lose them in the terminal.”

The conditions of the Spokane County Jail are not under the control of the feds. Nonetheless, it’s understaffed, and according to reports leaked from the pair, less than sanitary.

The couple were not allowed many visitors other than attorneys.

They were not permitted to make phone calls or send mail at first.

Family and friends didn’t know where the two were. “We had a huge get-together planned,” says Bledsoe.

“A big party. We got a call from Scott’s brother saying they weren’t coming. I thought they were fooling with me.”

During a brutal six-day stretch prior to their November sentencing, an electrical problem meant inmates were allowed to leave their cells a total of ten minutes the entire time.

They’d suffered other indignities on the long trip there. After being transferred from Fort Lauderdale into federal custody, they were shuttled around the country like cattle on a convoluted path to Spokane – with stops in West Virginia and Oklahoma.

the IRS gets really aggressive, especially if someone exaggerates their wealth verbally.”

When Scott and Kristen got into the federal court system, they were appointed public defenders – both, naturally, government employees.

Painting themselves as sincere “questioners,” the two were immediately crushed beneath an overwhelming mass of legal precedent.

To make matters more serious, the U.S. presented evidence that over the years the couple brought in hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties through a U.S. corporation and U.S. banks – and transferred that cash to a Banco Atlantida account in Tegucigalpa.

The particulars devolve into a cavalcade of irrevocable pure trusts, unreported royalty income, withheld assets and shadowy corporations.

Last August, the IRS sent a pair of agents to investigate the Hayneses here on the island and poke around their property holdings and business deals.

Agent Virginia V. Keys, a specialist in money laundering and currency transactions, headed a team that

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included local police.

Keys, accompanied by Special Agent Mike Ball, began probing any and all assets belonging to Scott and Kristin.

Some of the people she interviewed here, she wrote in her report, “specifically requested that their names not be used for fear of retaliation by the Haynes’.”

Keys admits in her declaration, “I am not a Honduran real estate expert.”

She told her superiors that Scott and Kristin owned 11 properties in West End, including two Sunset Villas condominiums as well as a parcel of undeveloped land in West Bay, among other holdings.

The agents also reported they had been told by Roatan residents that Scott and Kristin “have also purchased four beach condos and one mountain property in Panama and a business in Nassau, Bahamas, called ‘Dive, Dive, Dive.’”

They said they’d uncovered accounts with Banco Atlantida, LaFise, and HBSC, but could not access the balances.

After their arrest, Kristin told the government she was earning about $3,600 a year on Roatan. The U.S. wasn’t buying it.

“In spite of such self-reported and unverifiable recent minimal earnings,” wrote McDevitt, “the Defendant and her husband had the financial means to purchase round trip air tickets between Honduras and the United States and to take a vacation in the United States. She and her husband also had several thousand dollars on their persons when they were arrested in Florida.”

McDevitt was certain there was more money. “Between 1999 and 2005, the Defendant and her husband’s monthly gross income averaged $399,546 per year and $33,295 per month,” he wrote.

“Common sense suggests that the Defendant has considerable undisclosed cash resources at her disposal.”

Upon seeing this onslaught of bad news, Scott’s lawyer urged him to reverse his not guilty plea.

“Stop fighting,” Harmony says he told him. “Cooperate as much as possible.”

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The two changed their pleas.

They’d been held without bail for an entire summer in near-isolation conditions, eating mayonnaise sandwiches and drinking nasty water -- over a handful of misdemeanors.

Obviously, they had selected the wrong opponent.

Before sentencing, Moran asked Judge Justin L. Quackenbush for leniency: “Ms. Haynes is a generous person and gifted artist. She placed herself in a terrible position by not filing tax returns and paying what is due. Ms. Haynes has no prior criminal history and is a fifty-six year old grandmother. To the extent that she has lived in the Caribbean care-free, that is clearly over.”

Moran presented the judge with a slew of letters from family and friends. Kristin’s sister Kim Tullis described the couple as “peaceful people who realize the mistakes they have made.”

“The whole thing must be some kind of a mistake,” insisted Aadnesen.

Another friend from Roatan wrote, “please get them out so they can deal with the problem!”

Any goodwill wafting from the letters was soon snuffed out by the prosecution.

reporting her income and filing tax returns.

“According to Mrs. Haynes,” prosecutors alleged, “it had to do with a decrease in her royalty payments and getting into a hole as a result of the terrorist act on September 11, 2001, and its impact on the gift industry.”

The prosecution sternly insisted upon the maximum penalties.

“Nothing less than a 46 to 57 month term of incarceration for Mr. “I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each Haynes and a 37 day so satisfied I’m on my way” month term of photo courtesy Harmony Storms incarceration for is finding a new, radiant peace, Mrs. Haynes will be sufficient,” mostly from yoga and finding a way demanded US Attorney James A. to step outside her situation and McDevitt. observe, not participate.

The Hayneses’ sentencing hearing Her dad probably wishes he took place November 16. Harmony could pick up his guitar and play, cried. Their son, Dustin, pleaded for just like yesterday – or hoist a cold his parents’ release.

Salva Vida or two before ripping Quackenbush sentenced Scott into a Tom Petty cover.

Haynes to 40 months in “a low Will incarceration temper his taxsecurity prison.” Kristin Haynes evasion fever, or will the fact he can’t received 24 months at the SeaTac hug his grand kids for four years fill him with a sadness that flowers into more anger against a government who’d build walls to separate them?

“The time they’ve lost with their family is not something they can ever get back,” notes Harmony. “I think that my dad has come to realize he’s easily misled.

“He’s not saying, “What was I thinking?” but he’s saying, “Why Federal prison, located between did we think we could take on the Seattle and Tacoma. government like that?”

Both will get credit for time served and good behavior. They A different version of this story was were ordered to pay $833,752. originally published in the Seattle Dan Wardlaw, public information Weekly officer for Internal Revenue Service Criminal Investigation, said, “Mr. Haynes is a repeat customer when it comes to federal tax convictions,” he said. “Maybe this time, he will learn.”

The couple quickly appealed, and Harmony believes a happy outcome is still possible.

Harmony reports that her mom

“They were clearly watching their nickels and dimes when I was there.” ______________________________ In a section of the sentencing memo ominously titled “The Need For Deterrence,” the government wrote, “The entire voluntary tax system is undermined by those Americans who do not pay their fair share. In this case, the defendants derived gains in excess of $2.9 million, significant real estate holdings on an island in Honduras, and avoided paying over $1 million in federal income taxes.”

When she entered a change of plea, Kristin provided what the court called “a convoluted explanation as to why she stopped

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isle of roatan

Sunday BBQ at Infinity Bay with Brion James West Bay Beach

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Tuesday Quiz Nite at Bananarama West Bay Beach 2

Every day Roatan’s only nude beach Paya Bay 7

Tuesday Tapas & Live Music at Tranquil Seas Sandy Bay

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Mangrove Channel between Roatan and St. Helene

6 7

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Friday Westend Players Live at The Blue Channel West End

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Lionfish always fresh at Land’s End West End

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Sunday Hog Fry at the Palapa at Parrot Tree Plantation

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Black Pearl’s brand new 18 hole Golf Course

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The untouched, uninhabited, serene & precious Pigeon Cays 19

@

calendar Hey Man, where’s the party?

SATurday, August 6

SATurday, August 6

Sunjam Utila

DeMarco live in concert

This all-night rave-style bash is sure to bring out glow-sticks, swimwear, and fun, sweaty dancing. This year’s headliners include DJs Tony Rohr, Joseph Capriati, Xpansul, and special guest live act Loud Neighbor. For more deets, check out sunjamutila.com Water Cay, Utila. $ 55, Lps 1030,-

Reggae artist DeMarco performs his first show at Las Palmas with special guests DJ Carter, Jhaytea, King Squad, Conk, Silencio, and many more.

9pm Las Palmas, Dixon Cove, Roatan. Call 9752-9620 for tickets and more information.

E

ach weekend, right around sunset, a question starts circulating around West End: “Hey, where’s Brion playing tonight?”

They’re talking about Brion James, the black dude wielding a white Stratocaster. Excavating a guitar-god vibe vein roughly between Jimi Hendrix and Prince, James can usually be found gigging with band-mates in a local watering hole. This, everyone knows.

The secret is that when he unplugs his amp at the end of the night and heads home, a small recording studio and a wall of gold records await. Most tourists who watch him rock out at Rick’s are able realize he’s a seasoned performer.

You can guess, but can’t tell just from watching him, that James spent years in the gears of the Los Angeles music machine, laboring as a highprofile producer, songwriter, and hired musician.

So, the big question is: why would he abandon that lucrative career?

“Well, here’s the big answer,” says James. “I earned some pretty big checks, and after blowing a few of ‘em, I decided to escape from L.A. and do something different.”

He set off on an enviable mission: to find the perfect tropical island.

Starting with Hawaii, he visited locations around the globe. He caught the diving bug in Belize and landed on Roatan in 1999. Having fallen in love with the island immediately, he started buying land.

Moving here, James wanted to get away from the business of music.

But he knew he’d still be playing.

That’s never stopping.

Brion’s dad was a trumpeter straight out of the New York school of bebop. He worked with stars like Thelonious Monk and Eddie Harris.

Growing up in Seattle, it wasn’t uncommon for his dad to host

Saturday, August 20 Besos 1 year anniversary

SUNDAY, August 21 5th Sundae by the Sea

As we’ve been reporting diligently, Nurse Peggy’s Clinica Esperanza has been between a rock and a hard place of late. Some have questioned the wisdom of holding a benefit for a clinic that’s closing. Well, the clinic is open and serving patients, and needs our help more than ever.

Items up for auction include a $100 gift certificate at Tong’s, a $50 gift certificate at Besos, one week’s stay at Mayan Princess and Infinity Bay, and much more. Talk about a good cause -- you can’t put a price tag on the clinic’s value to the community.

Gumbalimba Park, West Bay, 1 p.m.-5 p.m. $ 30 advance purchase, $ 35 at the door. Tickets available at Cool Beans coffee Shops (West Bay), Waves of Art (West End), Clinica Esperanza (Sandy Bay), Genesis Pharmacy (Coxen Hole) and ACE Hardware (French Harbour).

One year after opening one of West End’s most successful restaurants, owner Daphne Newman is throwing a stylish party to commemorate a year in business.

Argentine singer Rolando Barone makes his island debut.

8 pm Besos, West End. Call 3302-6093 for more information.

EVERY MONday

Movie Night at Bananarama, West Bay

EVERY TUESDAY 1) Tapas Night at Tranquil Seas, Sandy Bay 2) Quiz Nite at Bananarama, West Bay

EVERY WEDNESDAY Chase the Ace at Sundowners, West End

EVERY thursday Karaoke at Blue Marlin, West End

EVERY FRIDAY West End Players Live at The Blue Channel, West End

EVERY SATURDAY DJ Night at Las Palmas, Dixon Cove

EVERY SUNDAY 1) Lionfish BBQ at Land’s End, West End 2) Jimmy & the Boys live at Barefeet Bar, West End

>>got a hot event? Email editor@roatannewtimes.com 20

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Friday night parties studded with jazz luminaries.

Brion picked up a cello when he was only seven years old. Five years later, he adapted his classical training to the guitar. He’s never looked back.

“When I was a kid,” Brion says, “I practiced the hardest shit I could get my hands on – Yngwie Malmsteen, Joe Satriani, Steve Vai.” During the 1980s, he played in top-40 cover bands before landing his big break: a lead guitar slot with the Dan Reed Network.

OK, sure, that might not sound like a big break (What? You’ve never heard of Dan Reed?) – but the Network toured the world with Bon Jovi and Journey.

# Rock In a CULTCHA

Hard Place Brion James: songwriter, producer, guitarist... beekeeper

by Jeff Stratton

Cat on the coast: Brion sidesteps that ironshore sharpness

Reed, an Oregon native, trafficked in festive funk/rock. But Mercury Records, who signed the band, was never sure how to promote them.

Still, the Network’s eponymous debut in 1987 yielded a top 40 single and MTV video. Then came a tour with Def Leppard and a second album, produced by Nile Rogers of Chic.

Brion got to enjoy all the indulgences of rock stardom – the tour buses! The groupies! The

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backstage parties!

Everything -- except, sadly, record sales.

“We could not break,” he laments.

“But we had fans.” By 1993, the Project was finished.

James started writing his own R&B-flavored originals, finally emerging with a set of nine tunes he knew were golden. “I went to every record company in L.A. with ‘em,” he recalls.

Eventually all nine songs ended

up being recorded by others. “Then my phone started ringing,” he says.

By the end of the decade, James’ songs were finding homes almost as soon as he’d write them.

An exuberant singer and a virtuoso on nearly every instrument, James made for a natural hired gun.

He worked as both session man and touring guitarist. It was between stints with Edgar Winter and Babyface that he planted roots in Roatan.

In 2003, he purchased the Black Pearl in West End and flew two of his buddies down from Seattle. With a smoking-hot (and salaried) rhythm section, The Scallywags set a new standard for live music on the island, and the Black Pearl was rockin’.

“It was like the Love Shack of Roatan,” Brion recalls. “Off the beaten path. There were always tons of people there.”

After a year, though, James sold the club and his buddies returned to the States.

In 2007 he self-released Snorkel Test, a grab-bag of originals dominated by “West End Girls,” a chiming pop confection with a killer chorus. Brion’s double-tracked voice produced layers of creamy harmonic richness. Each track touches upon a seemingly different genre, every one as well-played and produced as anything in the marketplace.

Since then, he’s showcased an alternating set of covers at every bar in West End with a revolving cast of 21

#

CULTCHA part-time characters, most only on the island temporarily. It wasn’t uncommon for Brion to team with players who weren’t up to his high standards.

His frustration would occasionally show.

“I’m used to playing with L.A. studio musicians who could really play,” he says. “The frustrating part is when the fun that could be had … is not being had.”

Shirtless, shoeless, standing on a table, Strat between his legs in a Prince-ly pose (while playing “Purple Rain,” naturally) Brion knows how to make a Roatan bar feel like a Detroit stadium, what with all that rock-god posturing.

“Well,” he asks, “don’t you want to watch a show? I grew up on Jimi

And his compositions still sell.

He’s written tunes for Robin Thicke, Justin Timberlake, Brian McKnight, and an assortment of up-andcoming boy bands and R&B acts.

Five years ago, Brion landed an odd gig: British goth-rock icon Siouxie Sioux was suffering from writer’s block while working on her first solo album. She’d recently fired her husband/drummer and made it clear she was into women, too.

But after more than 25 years of recording with indie stalwarts Siouxie and The Banshees and her esoteric side project The Creatures, she needed help.

Brion’s manager offered a helping hand.

“No, I didn’t know her,” Brion admits. Nor did he get to meet Sioux, whose first album was released in 1976 alongside the Sex Pistols debut.

He shrugs. “I know, right? Who knows? It’s just a job. Working through the phone sucks. I’m used to having the artist right in front of me.”

Nowadays, that artist is Canario, a 23-year-old ragamuffin-rapper and percussionist from Punta Gorda.

His voice, a thick, growly tenor, is immediately recognizable. He’s quite the fiya-spitta, but with an uncanny ear for melody.

Three years ago, Canario came up to Brion with boundless freestyling skill but no experience save for jamming on djembes and Garifuna drums.

Brion took him into his home studio and emerged with New Revolution, a mini-masterpiece that Brion MIDI’d and produced. The mix of the organic and the electronic forges a wild alliance of Jamaican rude-bwoy, Honduran/Garifuna roots, and the bawdiness of reggaeton.

Standouts include “Standup

“Roatan gives me a cool place to write from…

I’m still in the mix, even all the way down here.” _______________ Hendrix and Led Zeppelin. Rock bands used to have moves.”

When Brion isn’t in front of a crowd (his New Year’s Eve show in West End turned into a massive block party) he’s writing songs that his manager shops around and that end up getting recorded by some pretty well-known artists.

Via his satellite office, “Roatan gives me a cool place to write from,” he says. “I’m still in the mix, even all the way down here.” Each and every morning, he wakes up at his Mangrove Bight home and starts writing songs. He records them on his Mac and sends sample mp3s back to the States.

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Roatan!” which introduces the artist’s manifesto and Brion’s slick production.

“Tu Lo Vez” begins with a djembe beat but is quickly overtaken by synthetic percussion.

“We did it in ten minutes,” Brion explains.

One day when they were working on another track, Canario – as he is wont to do – suddenly broke into a freestyle stream that stunned Brion.

“Stop! Stop!” Brion shouted.

“Let’s record this!”

In just a couple minutes, Brion says, “I kicked up this beat on the keyboard.”

And that’s about all “Tu Lo Vez” is, too: Canario’s rap (heavy on Jamaican curse words), Brion’s stuttering, hand-clappy beats, a few doomy-sounding keyboard stabs, and what sounds like a sitar.

“We’re into a groove now,” says Brion. “We’ve got a good formula.”

In fact, just before Christmas, Canario came to visit and spent the entire day recording. The new Canario songs are sleek, shiny techno-reggae. Because of Brion’s L.A. connection, there’s some curiosity developing there.

“A couple songs from New Revolution got played on some mainland radio stations, and he did some shows there,” adds Brion. “My manager is sending his new stuff to

Universal Latin in L.A., and they might be interested in signing him.”

Are young apprentices like Canario and King Squad in awe of Brion and his years of studio wizardry?

“That’s exactly what it is,” says Brion. “They look at me like an O.G.” he laughs. “I really like working with the young guys, it keeps me fresh. I have to keep my mind open. A lot of them come in and don’t have a musical background, but they have the musical knowledge.”

Nowadays, with Carlos Sosa from Jason Mraz’s band and Stu Cook from Creedence Clearwater Revival living on the island, is Roatan poised for some kind of revolution… for real?

“Pretty soon, this could be a cool place for musicians,” says Brion. He pauses, frowns, plucks a few arpeggios: “Nah, I’m just being an optimist. In reality, it’s not gonna get any better.”

Even if the music scene was to completely implode (unlikely as long as Brion lives here), he’s got a back-up job: Beekeeping.

“I love honey,” he tells. “About two years ago I started YouTubing, learning everything I possibly could.” He went and bought the equipment he needed – but his first mission, a bee extraction/removal/ relocation, went horribly awry.

“I didn’t get the bees,” he sighs.

“And I got stung. And worse – no honey. A complete disaster.”

He persevered, and now Brion

#

CULTCHA James is known as the man to call when you’ve got a bee problem.

And though he’s volunteering his time, Brion spent last year teaching music at Sandy Bay Alternative School, leading his little protégés through a pair of stunningly successful and professional concerts.

“I loved it!” he raves. “I’m going back! I was really pleased.”

His current crew, The West end Players, includes Adi from Land’s End on bass and alternates between drummers Dave Barons and Konrad Peters.

His heavy-on-covers set list is evolving. He’s thrown in some new ones and retired a few oldies.

Michael Franti’s “Hello Bonjour” is now on the menu and “Sex on Fire” from Kings of Leon has been introduced. “Song2” from Blur is in the mix as well.

An 80s chestnut, the The Psychedelic Furs’ “Love My Way” was ramped out on New Years Eve. And you can always count on a U2 song – or three.

A recent clamp-down on live music in West End has moved live acts to places with less law enforcement. The trio played at Herby’s and then Friday nights at the Blue Channel in West End. After Brion’s great big birthday bash at Infinity Bay last month (was that fun or what?) he is now playing there every Sunday afternoon.

Come see the rock star!

cd review :: From Mawning

He worked on his portion here on the island while Sioux was at her home in the south of France.

It’s hard to discern Brion’s contributions to the three songs he co-wrote on MantaRay, released in 2007.

The stomping “Into a Swan” throws off a several guitar sparks, like classic Banshees. “Loveless” is stacked with vibraphone, while stalking slowly and sexily, and “One Mile Below” works a tribal groove that wouldn’t have been out of place on a Creatures album.

So, where is Brion James on those tracks? He’s certainly listed in the credits.

Artist: Chino Title: From Mawning Label: Big Ship/VP Records When you come from a Jamaican music family as rich as that of the McGregor clan, it’s an understatement that folks will expect you to follow in your father’s footsteps. For newish reggae singer, Chino, son of long-time lovers rock king Freddie McGregor, his path to the limelight is draped in many of the same expectations. His older brother, Stephen “Di Genius” McGregor, is by far the hottest producer in Jamaica right now and despite the lofty expectations, that actually alleviates some of the pressure.

Now that Chino is putting out his four-song EP From Mawning, it’s a given that the production is already virgin-tight and the quality is top-notch— similar to many of today’s Marley clan releases.

While none of the songs here are brand new, this is the first time they’re being properly released to a wide audience and the result definitely shows that Chino’s head is in the right place. The disc’s title track, “From Mawning (Never Change)” is a song any hard-working person can get behind with it’s ROATAN new TIMES.com

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hustle from morning till nightî emphasis. The true joy of the jam, however, is the heavy electric guitar and rock influence rather than reggae vibe many listeners would expect. The tune, “Pon Your Head,” warns young men to stay focused and never let women throw them off course. It’s a little Adam and Eve-y, sure, but considering Chino says that advice came from his own mother, it passes the sexist test.

Those two songs anchor this project but the sexier “Ruff it Up” and slightly more street ”Protection” aren’t throwaway tracks by any means.

Even though this is only four tracks, From Mawning will hopefully let global audiences know that Chino is worth paying attention to for his lyrics and singing voice rather than simply his family’s surname.

—Jonathan Cunningham

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Is that a lionfish in your wetsuit, or are you just happy to see me?

First things first

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going deeper

by the Lionfish Slayer

Q

ue Pasa Gringos, When I first arrived in Roatan I planned to stay for 4 days and then move on. Diving isn’t exactly the cheapest activity so I decided to give it a miss, being a tight -ass backpacker and all, and I only snorkeled. The snorkeling in West Bay was the best I’ve done anywhere in the world and diving became more and more tempting.

I slowly but surely fell in love with Roatan and decided to stay longer than four days. After a month I decided to spend my travel money on diving to see what all the fuss was about. I did my Open Water Course with Ocean Connections, in West End, and instantly fell in love with diving too. Eventually I did my

by Diver Dan his column’s all about dive problems, accidents and equipment failures. I want to help everyone have a safe and fun dive experience. With your input, plus interviews with international experts, local dive professionals and individual divers, we can start to cover some basic guidelines and pointers.

Diving accidents are rare but very real. No attempt should be made to cover up or shy away from discussing the danger and risks from diving related accidents. As safe and enjoyable as the diving experience can be, everyone must follow the steps needed to minimize all dangers from this form of recreational activity.

Because of record-keeping, it’s difficult to determine how many scuba deaths happen each year worldwide. About 90 to a 100 Americans bite the dust underwater each year.

All that said, don’t let statistics stop you from having fun. Diving can quickly turn into your favorite past time or even a profitable career.

Skydiving’s pretty dangerous, too – with even less of a margin for error – but people do it every day and have a total blast. We can all learn from others. Listen to your diving friends. They’ve probably heard about things you should definitely not do. We’ll be discussing them in this column.

When, how and why do dive accidents occur? Obviously, most accidents happen to those who are untrained or not using the equipment properly. Most, if not all, people diving on Roatan have certification from SSI or PADI.

>>

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going deep

Dive vacations should always be fun, but many divers who visit here don’t dive every year. A simple refresher course might be the wisest way to ease back in to a dive vacation.

When you update your skills, your confidence and comfort zone will be enhanced, so you won’t come in too over-confident and not put safety first.

In fact, Branon A. Edwards, a dive expert who publishes a blog called Florida Diving, says you should do the refresher with an experienced Divemaster or Instructor.

“If you just jump in with the idea of ‘whatever happens, happens,’ there’s a good chance you’re gonna freak out,” he says. And as you already know, those underwater panic attacks are what spells trouble.

“Make sure you’re prepared,” says Edwards. “Make sure your gear is in good shape. And there’s no substitute for common sense. If your stuff ’s been sitting in a closet for over a year, get your regulators checked out -- those seals can get brittle and crack. If it has been a while, maybe just jump in the pool and play around -- make sure you can do what you’re supposed to do.”

Always be aware of your surroundings and know how to react when a problem happens.

Never let cockiness put you in a spot where danger lurks. Dive buddies are important and nice to have -- but always remember you need to rely on yourself first. Take responsibility. It’s your life.

And remember, never drink and dive. In fact, it’s not a good idea to indulge in any activity that could cloud your judgment. That Salva Vida or Margarita is for afterward, not before. Trust me.

Advanced Open Water and then thoughts of doing the Divemaster Course crept into my head.

My Divemaster course was amazing and I knew from then on that my passion could possibly become my job. I was offered a job straight away once I finished, which was unexpected but accepted. I then did my Instructor’s Course with Coconut Tree Divers and once again I was offered a job upon completion of the exam.

Surprisingly, I found the whole Divemaster and Instructor Courses so simple that I thought it must have been some kind of fate for me to become a Dive Instructor.

It wasn’t much longer before I started noticing and hearing about

the lionfish invasion of our part of the Caribbean. So I got in on the craze myself. Nowadays I think of myself as a connoisseur when it comes to Lionfish hunting. I’ve hunted and played with so many I’m slowly beginning to understand their behavior. I’ve learned how to pick up the younger lionfish with my hands and show them to customers. I’ve learned where they like to hide, making it easier for me to find them. I’ve learned how to shoot them, cut off their poisonous spines, cut their heads off, gut them, and scale them underwater so they are ready for the BBQ upon surfacing!

People think it’s amazing when I end a dive and open up my wetsuit and have a dozen lionfish fall out!

When hunting lionfish I often get followed around by snappers and groupers. I guess it’s similar to having a hunting dog by your side when you’re hunting on land. You eventually learn their behavior as well, but they are slowly getting braver. They sometimes even take the lionfish off the spear the moment you shoot it. Groupers are the best companions. They will follow you through swim-thrus if they feel there is a feed to come. Snappers will follow you around but act more like scavengers than hunters.

One day I had a hunting companion I’d never had before and

it was an amazing feeling. I went to a deep, steep wall and had a four-foot barracuda accompany me while hunting. It was scary when it first approached me. Barracudas have this amazing ability to always appear to be staring at you, no matter what angle you look at them. They have huge teeth and give you a feeling that they can’t be trusted.

I normally don’t hunt lionfish along flat walls, because they usually hide in crevices or dark places, but with a barracuda by my side I thought I would change my approach.

I eventually shot a lionfish and my barracuda buddy moved in close. Then when I cut its throat, the blood drove the barracuda crazy. I dumped the lionfish.

The barracuda just stared at it, from all different angles, for a long time probably because it had never eaten anything that looked like this in its life before.

Should I have cut the spines off so my pal wouldn’t get stung? Or should I start leaving the spines on so they might eventually become immune to lionfish stings and begin to hunt them themselves? I chose to leave ‘em on. I couldn’t wait until the barracuda ate the lionfish, so I actually don’t know if it did.

However, about a minute after leaving the barracuda it was back by my side once again. It was amazing to hunt alongside what I regard as the king of the reef!

“They are ready for the BBQ upon surfacing.”

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island stew-down

LIVING IT UP

The Rumologist

Decked Out Come for the curry,

by Chef Francis concentrated cane syrup, sometimes According to the U.S. referred to as “sugar cane honey.”

Government Federal Standards of I met up a girl with that name in Identity, the following is the official La Ceiba years ago, but that’s for definition of rum, but certainly the another column. one us rum lovers of the world This centuries-old process of would employ. making rum from sugar cane juice is F.S.I.Class 6 “Rum” is an alcoholic pretty straightforward. Referred to distillate from the fermented juice of as “The Estate Method,” the cane sugar cane, sugar cane syrup … fields are harvested, the stalks are produced at less than 190 proof in crushed and the juice squeezed out. such manner that the distillate After extracting crystalline sugar possesses the taste, aroma and from the reduced juice, characteristics generally resulting left-over attributed to rum…, “Everything the molasses is fermented bottled at not less than 80 to begin the rum proof… you ever process.

OK, we get the point.

Most of the rum in But let me add one thing, wanted to the world today is by pure human definition, rum is pure gold lightning know about made from molasses, the by-product of the – a goldenly glorious alcoholic beverage rum… But crystals created during the sugar-making (though its past is slightly process. tainted by slavery). were too The molasses is Many significant distilled in large factors affect the taste, drunk to column stills. This quality, color and involves heating the viscosity of rum: The ask.” fermented molasses method of fermentation wine (or wash) in tall columns. including types of yeast, distillation Steam in the columns strips the method, the process of maturing/ alcohol from the wash and the vapor aging, the quality of water used, is collected, then condensed into a and, in many cases, the blending of clear high-proof alcohol. various vintages to create the final Many artisanal types of rum are delectable product.t produced by small companies in Man! You thirsty yet? small quantities. The traditional When cane juice enters the pot-still is a method of distilling magical phase of fermentation, the fermented product in relatively sugar is converted by yeast into small batches. This fine art is the key alcohol. I feel a smile coming on. to success for this old-time method.

To further concentrate these Just like vodka, fresh rum, when spirits, the distillation process first distilled, is totally clear, lacking evaporates the non-booze and the sophisticated flavors and golden condenses the alcohol into a second amber hues of fine sipping rums. holding tank… but you already So, how does your favorite rum knew that, didn’t you? Sugar cane acquire that beautiful bronze glow? spirits vary greatly in how they’re And what are the differences created and by the basic material between the brands of rum, from which they’re fermented. anyway?

Some rum is made directly from Stay tuned next month for the raw cane juice, fermented answers to these and other immediately after being crushed. questions.

Another type of rum stock is

stay for the pool table

by Dick McVittley A little bit of Durban on Roatan -- back in Mount Pleasant next month!

C

orrugated steel with its tireless industrial chic seldom looks right on Roatan (remember Que Tal’s ill-fated days at Lawson Rock?) but it works perfectly at the Deck.

Using a few simple design elements, the restaurant gives off a clean, classy aura.

Its Mount Pleasant location (closed until September 1) sits amid a line of slash pines over a small gulley. In keeping with that industrial spirit, a machine shop (or something) lurks behind it. But the open-air abode gives off nothing if not a homey vibe.

Since opening last July, owner

the city of Durban, where he grew up, boasts the largest Indian population outside of the subcontinent. That’s where he learned to create such mouthwateringly awesome curries.

Today, however, the curry is stuck in customs. Wanless isn’t happy, but he smiles just the same. He isn’t easily defeated. And he knows the menu offers enough options. “I’ve got pretty much everything I learned in South Africa,” he says, “and then I use whatever I can get on the island.”

In Durban, Wanless ran a pair of upscale French eateries. He once ran a restaurant beneath a drum ‘n

in these days, and the Deck is no exception. There’s some serious fung shui at work, and the eyecatching appeal starts the meal on a nice note.

Carrot-ginger soup (L95) was light, with a texture that hovered way below chunky but still above silky. Fresh carrots aren’t hard to find, and the soup wasn’t heavily spiced, so it wasn’t complex or too creamy. Nor was it bland, and paired with two slices of crusty garlic bread, it was fairly filling.

Skewers of beef (L130) came out with a dipping sauce. Tough as you’d expect -- but the sauce more than made up for it. And part of what’s

“I’ve got pretty much everything I learned in South Africa… and then I use whatever I can get on the island.” ________________________________ Garry Wanless has seen some ups and downs. Last summer’s slowness killed his dinner business. So he cut out the evening hours and started serving a sweet little English breakfast. With the bakery in Plaza Jackson bailing, it opened up a nice niche for Wanless. But it’s slow again, and Wanless opened a new Deck in West End. Wanless spent 20 years in the U.K., where he perfected the dishes he’d learned in South Africa. In fact, 26

bass nightclub. And he mastered the art of the straight, simple café.

On our first visit, a sort of reconnaissance mission, we sat down, scanned the menu, placed our order – only to watch Wanless jump in his truck and head to Eldon’s. What? Was he going to procure the ingredients right then and there? Man, that’s fresh!

We needn’t have worried. Pretty quickly (by Roatan standards) our order arrived. Cool presentation is

cool about the Deck is that Wanless usually locates a spice schematic that’s not immediately recognizable to the tongue. It adds mystery.

The second time we called upon the Deck to cure our lunchtime munchies, Wanless held court over a decent little crowd of expats,

islanders, and tourists. Some protested the status of those incarcerated curries, but they soldiered on.

Bruschetta (L95) is absolutely not for those suffering from tomato timidity. The toasted slices of garlic bread buried beneath weren’t just covered with diced tomato. They were wearing it, sharing it, throwing chunks of tomato around the plate – it was crazy.

A pair of salads (beef with sweet chili sauce, L170, and citrus shrimp, L190) were built atop artful layers of lettuce. Both came with tomato, onion, cuke, carrots, green pepper, and tiny flecks of purple cabbage.

The first, I thought, was better.

The thin, glistening strips of beef weren’t too chewy and were perfectly cooked, and the tangy-hot sauce was inspired. There was a lot of meat, too – hidden shards of it kept turning up under lettuce leaves, coated in red pepper flakes.

The shrimp salad came with avocado and small segments of orange. The dressing it wore wasn’t as inspired – sort of a pale Thousand Island – but the shrimp were quite plump. And plump shrimp are good shrimp.

If business continues to pick up, maybe dinner will return.

Billiards are always better after dark.

THE DECK CAFÉ | 9920-9767 | West End Mon–Sat 11:30 a.m.- 9 p.m. | Vegetarian Friendly | Full Bar

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recipe

The mystery of the Baleada What is the Honduran culinary invention? A baleada! Not to be confused with La Baliada...we’ll get to that later. Rumor has it that back in time, a popular cook known for selling her delicious stuffed tortillas, was shot and killed. Folks in the area, began to use the word baleada ~ for ‘shot woman’. (“Balas”, a Spanish word meaning bullets.) Another story says they’re called baleadas because the brown spots on the tortilla look like bullet marks.

A very popular street treat, the baleada is made with a thick flour tortilla. Traditionally they’re filled with refried beans, a dollop of queso crema/ mantequilla (sour/heavy cream), grated queso duro (salty white cheese) then folded in half. Add a scrambled egg, some ham, carne molida, chicken or chorizo, always with a dash of hot sauce.

They have an inviting curve and a texture of pure delight.

While on Roatan or anywhere in Honduras, find, seek, or hunt out someone who will make them for you. You will love’em!

Ingredients: 2 cups of flour (wheat) 1 cup of water or tepid milk or try coconut milk 1 large egg 1/2 teaspoon of salt 1/2 cup vegetable oil

PROCEDURE Place all the ingredients in a large bowl. Knead until completely mixed and not sticky. Divide the dough into golf ball sized nuggets and cover. Let sit for 25 minutes. Heat a pan~ medium heat. Roll out in a circle on a flat surface. Place in the hot pan and cook until it just begins to brown in spots.

Turn over. Cook.

Now the fun begins!!! Some delicious fillings are; grilled chicken, avocado, chopped tomatoes, cilantro or chimol (diced tomato, onion and bell pepper). …mouth watering!!! A basic baleada sells for about 15 lps. Oh yes, La Baliada is a feast of the Virgin de Suyapa, the patron saint of Honduras.

The celebration of the Virgin of Suyapa begins February 3 in Tegucigalpa.

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- by Philia del Mar

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Island flavor Las Rocas West Bay beach www.lasrocasresort.com Next to Bite on the Beach, at the very end of West Bay is Las Rocas dive shop and resort, as well as this casual eatery. Long known as a fun place to grab a burger and a Salva Vida, Las Rocas now boasts the Trattoria da Piero, a Caribbean/Italian waterfront restaurant heavy on fresh-fish specialities.

Sundowner’s West End on the beach www.roatanonline.com/ sundowner/ 445-4570 A long-running beach side institution, Sundowner’s is basically Roatan’s paralleluniverse Cheers, where every local knows every other. It’s a classic seaside dive, among West End’s best, and it’s perfectly situated to watch the sun sink into Half Moon Bay.

Did we mention it’s always stocked with cold, cheap beer it sells a ton of? They’re always manning battle-weary blenders, too, for mixing up MonkeyLalas and such. And the food? It comes flying out of a small kitchen across the street, with a great Angus burger.

Blue Parrot Sandy Bay 9558-4245 (closed Sunday) The Blue Parrot’s menu is unique, seeing as it’s masterminded by a Chinese/ Jamaican cook. That means you can order spicy jerk chicken and chow mein, chop suey or fried rice - even together! The jerk shrimp salad is excellent, loaded with fresh veggies. The Char Sui ribs are Chinese-style glazed with island spices. Plus there’s festival, bammy, all the JA accouterments you’d expect-even Red Stripe every once in a while. If you remember the Blue

Parrot from years back, with your host, Bob, it’s changed dramatically since then. Well worth a visit, especially if you’ve visited Jamaica...or Shanghai.

you want the full-on experience.

They’re loaded with yummy scallions and crema and make for a belly-busting experience.

Marlyn’s Restaurant

West Bay Village 2445-5035 (Mo-Sa 8am-5pm)

Gibson Bight marlynsroatanhotelnfood.com 447-3097 For a quick and filling roadside meal, you can’t do much better than pay a visit to Marlyn, who’ll sit and converse with you about the weather or whatnot while you wait on fried chicken, conch stew, roast pork or whatever island dish fits your fancy. Nothing complicated here, just your standard beans/rice/plantains with a side of meat - island food prepared the way islanders have done it for generations.

Tong’s THai Island Cuisine West End 2445-4369

Mangiamo maintains a chic selection of ethnic food, basic necessities, wine, beer and liquor. Popular with beachcombing tourists but still a favorite with locals who want air conditioning with their Eggs Benedict breakfast (or Frenchdip lunch), Mangiamo isn’t known for low prices but for giving you a slice of a cozy, sophisticated place to shop and hang out. Brits will find favorites from back home.

Credit cards accepted.

Bite on the Beach West Bay beach www.biteonthebeach.com 403-8054 Closed Sunday & Monday A West Bay landmark, Bite on the Beach anchors one end of the West Bay collection of dive shops and eateries. A big spot for frozen drinks and sunsetwatching, Bite on the Beach cooks up a big variety of Caribbean-themed entrees (lots of fresh fish cooked any way you want), great peanut satay and a lot of salads as well.

Kid-friendly to boot!

The Noodle Shack

The Lighthouse

West End/Crystal Beach Cabins 3256-2615

West End on Half Moon Bay 2445-1209

Celeste’s Island Cuisine

Tourists and residents resolutely agree that the Shack and its patrons, Christian and Shannon, absolutely rock. Stop in, and they’ll cheerfully greet you by name. The noodle bowls (vermicelli, rice noodles, egg noodle, udon, etc) are way too huge but loaded with your choice of protein (tofu and other veggies) and a variety of sauces (curry, peanut, etc) make it a mix-and-match experience. The combinations, studded with fresh vegetable action, are adjustable in terms of fiery spice. Also notable: the giant spicy shrimp hand-rolls.

The Lighthouse is slow-paced and casual during the day, with a great breeze. Sunday brunch is a fairly big production, a L300 blow-out featuring eight different entrees to choose from, homemade blueberry coffee cake, and non-stop champagne. Dinner offers high-end steak and lobster dishes, tons of fresh fish, shrimp up the wazoo, and fantastic place to watch the stars and the waves at night.

When you’re in West End, find the footpath between Reef Gliders, across from Waves of Art. Take that to the beach and you’re nearly there.

West Bay 2445-5069

Bella Napoli Pizza

Cannibal Cafe

Sandy Bay 445-3201 (10 am-10 pm daily)

West End 2445-4026 (10:30am-10pm)

Years ago, when this genuinely Italian joint opened on the road in Sandy Bay, it enjoyed a spell of big-league popularity. The initial buzz has fallen off considerably but Bella Napoli still dishes out thin-crust pizzas fired in a wood oven with innovative names and

Closed Sundays This West End institution promises “no one leaves hungry,” which is likely true.

We submit the legendary Kevin’s big Kahuna burrito as Exhibit A. If you can eat the whole thing (which is the size of a newborn human infant)

When a restaurant is markedly more expensive than its neighbors, you’ve got to ask if it’s worth it. At Tong’s, the portions sure don’t justify the prices. It’s the quality that makes Tong’s cost more. Tong and his staff are from Thailand, and it shows in every dish. But there aren’t many choices if you want Thai food on the island.

And you’ll find Thai dishes ever bit as tasty and authentic any you’ve tried - just bring a lot of lemps.

There’s more than a little irony in Celeste’s mission: selling a $9 baleada on an island where the going price of such an item is rarely more than a buck. But the joke’s on you if you don’t check out these hearty and handsome creations. These gourmet baleadas are extravagantly packed with shrimp, lobster or grouper if 30

Mangiamo! Market and Delicatessen

reasonable prices. Take yours home in a monogrammed box or there’s a huge, pleasant outdoor patio as well. Also serving wine, beer, and soft drinks.

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Island flavor

you eat for free, if you’re still alive. The Cannibal’s take on Mexican food won’t strike anyone as authentic, but it’s a popular place for drivers and tourists to grab a bite and a few margaritas. Don’t miss the anafres, a yummy bean/cheese/ tortilla concoction, the giant quesadillas, or the fish tacos.

Try a chocolate/banana smoothie for dessert.

Blue Bahia Beach Grill Sandy Bay www.bluebahiaresort.com/ mealpackages.html 445-3385 Closed Tuesday Owned and operated by burly expat Kent Burnes (who oversees a smoker pit and an array of barbecued delicacies), Blue Bahia has one of the biggest -- and best -- menus on the island. This is the place to come when your usual, normal hankering for ribs cascades into a debilitating obsession. Blue Bahia can handle your habit.

Other outstanding favorites include almond- and cashewcrusted fish and shrimp; coconut lobster, pulled-pork sandwiches, awesome steaks and daily fresh fish specials. A bit on the pricy side, but this is probably the very best beach dining in Sandy Bay. Credit cards accepted.

Ooloonthoo Restaurant West End road www.ooloonthoo.com 9936-5223 (daily 5pm-10pm) Ooloonthoo is Honduras’s only Indian restaurant. A meal here is an experience, an epiphany even. The dishes are presented with artistic flair galore definitely bring your camera to this place! - and the setting is something straight out of a Bollywood romance, a huge temple-like A-frame high on a hill. The outstanding food is full-on four-star: spicy pork vindaloo from Goa, Trinidadian curry beef, Rajasthani red lamb curry. There’s papadums and

summer 2011

naan, naturally. Chef Paul James studied in India intensely and quite seriously, it would seem - and his wife, Soden, always makes visitors feel personally doted on.

Ooloonthoo is reservation only; you must call a day in advance to reserve a dinner seating.

Credit cards accepted.

ArgentinIAN Grill West End www.roatanposada.com/ restaurante.html The ever-popular Argentine Grill is the place to go when you want a big, giant grilled hunk of dead cow. Seriously, when paired with a bottle of good Chilean cab, these steaks stand up to some of the island’s best.

The sides are nothing to snivel at, either. As West End restaurants go, this is one of the more expensive places for

dinner, but rest assured, you’ll have a close encounter with a truly large slab o’ delicious meat. Since, however, it’s Honduran beef, there are times even a filet is a bit more than al dente. If you’re not a carnivore, don’t despair - the menu is extensive and there are plenty of other options. Credit cards accepted.

Creole’s Rotisserie Chicken West End 2 pm -10 pm closed Monday 9879-1767 A tried and true local favorite that never changes - not even the plastic tables and chairs get switched out. Pumping out quality roasted fowl and fried shrimp, French fries, cole slaw, and amazing coconut rice ‘n beans - all perfect, every single time - sometimes we question 31

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Island flavor

to fix you a cold drink or grab you a beer or glass of wine, and you can always snorkel right off the pier if you want. Start things off with a basket of peel-n-eat shrimp (many do), as the rest of the menu graces you with you American burgers and sandwiches with some island dishes thrown in. The Sunshine Cafe is affordable as well: three burgers with fries for L100, and a free cup of soup if you’re there drinking enough.

Gio’s French Harbor 445-5536 or 5126 Flowers Bay

the need for any other eatery to exist. You may have to wait for a table some nights, but this laid-back little shack is well worth the wait.

Rudy’s West End Sure, Rudy’s makes a killer tipico breakfast served with strong coffee. But there’s really just two simple reasons we love Rudy’s. One would have to be the banana pancakes - little flapjacks of joy that are gloriously simple, and delicious. Reason two are the amazing fresh fruit smoothies.

They’re gigantic, for one thing, and the choices are endless.

The usual suspects linger (coconut, banana, mango, etc) but some less-typical offerings (mamey and guanabana, for instance, loiter as well.

BJ’s Backyard Oak Ridge www.roatanonline.com/bj_ backyard/ A trip to Oak Ridge would stand as criminally incomplete without a stop at BJ’s.

Removed in time, like you’re in 32

a movie, this backwoods little shack on the water is as homey and primitive as it gets, a living remnant of a time when life on Roatan moved a lot slower than it does now. Colorful atmosphere? Local gossip?

Gallons of bug spray? George Jones on the jukebox? It’s all here. You can sit in an old rocking chair with your beer and swear you’re in the Keys somewhere. BJ bakes her own French bread daily, and there’s always fresh fish around. A dandy spot to tie up your boat and pop in for a burger and a beer, BJ’s the kind of relic you’d probably never stumble upon on your own, but which shouldn’t be missed. The rum-sauced bread pudding is unforgettable.

Sunshine Beach bar and grille Sandy Bay www.roatanbeachcomber. com/sunshine_cafe.htm 9929-4720 Down a winding road at the east end of Sandy Bay takes you to the water and the Hobbie’s Hideaway resort.

Someone will always be happy

Gio’s is an upscale seafood restaurant with an airconditioned room, a nice dining room, and a big deck on the water. Big reasons to go include the king crab dinner, which comes with gallons of garlic butter and has stained many a nice shirt. Delicious. You can get a variety of sauces here to accompany your fish - the jalapeno is righteous - and every fish comes grilled, broiled, or fried. A very classy joint with a stiff breeze off the water, this restaurant is mentioned quite a bit in the Roatan-based crime novel The Judas Bird.

Credit cards accepted.

Big House Burger Megaplaza Mall French Harbour 2480-5233 A very close approximation of a mainland hambuergesaria, big house beats its neighbor, Wendy’s, in every department.

A bona-fide Honduran fast food joint, you always get a/c, a waiter and table service at Big House. But eschew the hand sanitizer, unless you’re filthy and/or you want your meal to reek of rubbing alcohol. The burgers here range from poco and sencilla (small and simple) to mammoths packed with patties and toppings, -- and you better believe Wendy Thomas cries every time you take a bite.

They have every other Central American fast-food fave as well, from pupusas to tostadas to tacos. Not a baleada in sight, but Big House is every bit as Honduran as Lempira’s profile.

Besos Restaurant AND Lounge West End 3302-6093 If you want to take a hot date to a cool place, Besos is pretty hard to beat. The swank interior design skills and culinary guidance of owner Daphne Newman translate into an upscale open-air palapa popular with locals and tourists. Tapas, killer tuna tostadas, mango ceviche (yum) and some of the most creative cocktails on the island make Besos a romantic, dimly lit jewel of West End. Proof that there is, indeed, a martini for everyone.

breakfast five years ago; its been serving satisfied customers for almost two years. tChef Luis, from Tegucigalpa, offers an international menu of seafood, steaks, pork chops and more.

Be careful -- you may fill up on fresh bread before dinner comes!

Fresh Bakery and Cafe Alba Plaza/Gibson Bight 7am - 3pm closed Monday 9745-6189 Everyone from real estate agents to divemasters crowd this place early, looking for a morning cup of joe to open their eyes. The fruit-filled Danishes are the bomb, perfect little items to pair with your coffee. Big lunchtime sandwiches range from an Italian beef to a chopped-turkey delight.

Lands end - Green flash

The Hungry Munky

West End 9817-8994 (closed Tuesday)

West Bay Wall Closed Mondays 8990-4103

Land’s End, a bit off the beaten path, is a novel discovery. Its façade hides from the road one of the most stunning, 180° panoramas of sea, sky, and ironshore, with a saltwater pool and sunsets every day of the year. It’s always been feast/ famine with the restaurant in flux, but now Land’s End is rocking once again. Don’t miss freshly-caught lionfish, occasional live music, hilarious bartenders and a relaxed, casual vibe that can’t be found anywhere else. Friendly, too: “Hugs are Free” say the signs.

On Roatan, it’s hard to find anyone making an authentic South or Central American hot dog. You can make one your own or order up a Nacho Dog down at the Hungry Munky.

You get a perfect Vienna dog with cheese, ketchup, mustard, mayo, crushed corn chips, and relish. The other sandwiches are hardcore goodness, too: this place roasts its beef and turkey in house. Every permutation possible of hot dog (and Polish sausage) is possible here.

The Lily Pond House

Herby’s Sports Grille

West End 9754-0306

French Harbour 2445-7653

The Lily Pond House is located in West End, right by the turn to the submarine. This secluded garden boasts a beautiful lily pond and fabulous restaurant as well as bed and breakfast accommodations. Proprietor Zak, originally from England, started The Lily Pond bed &

A state-of-the-art space that has it all, including one killer view. The room’s lined with 31 TVs, so you can watch the Spurs/Lakers game and a boxing match at the same time, play Texas Hold ‘Em, or compete in an online trivia contest. You’ll find the only tap

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beer (Bud, Sam Adams, and Guinness) on the island. Next, squeeze a gaggle of hot chicas into referee outfits. The food is high-quality and exactly like back home -- but so inexpensive you think the price is a typo (check out the pizza and you’ll see what we mean).

With a cutting-edge cook (Dino from Romeo’s), Salva Vida selling for 40 lemps like the good old days, great burgers, steak sandwiches and typical pub grub, Herby’s concept is genius. With a side of sweet potato fries.

The Pineapple Grill French Harbour 9891-0566 Breakfast 7-10 am, dinner 5-10 pm Herb Morici’s other culinary creation (Herby’s is right upstairs) at Pineapple Villas offers US steaks dry-aged in-house. Roughly modeled after a Ruth Chris’s in the States, the ribeyes, NY strips, and prime rib dinners are high-end but reasonably priced.

You’re not gambling with Honduran beef here – each bite is tender and flavorful every time. Check out breakfast, with a nice eggs benedict and (of course) steak and eggs.

La Sirena Camp Bay 3320-6004/9461-3700 As long as you’re going all the way out to Camp Bay, you need to pay a lunchtime visit to this adorable palapa built out over the waves. The Sunday BBQ can fill the small place, but other days you might just own every table, due to the remote location. But the fish, shrimp, and lobster dishes are islandy, simple and amazingly fresh. A secret find.

The Deck West End/Mt. Pleasant See review this issue.

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THE green

mango

THE green

All The News That Wouldn’t Fit Anywhere Else

Tired of being treated like a second-class citizensthe most hated fish in the sea causes an uproar about the loss of his family, especially his grandma. He claims to have titulo pleno on the 2nd biggest coral reef on the planet after the one surrounding Mongolia.

Bugs, fees, and honesty Dear Redbeard, We live in Indianapolis, and we’ve visited Roatan twice over the last few years. My husband and I really want to purchase something for retirement, but we haven’t had much luck. We’ve checked out a few condos but didn’t want to pay all those fees Then we looked at some homes near the sea, but we couldn’t take all the sandflies! How do you locals handle it? Also, how can we tell who is an honest real estate agent on the island?

—Rosalin Charmichaels Redbeard replies: Arrrgh! Yer triflin’ is achin’ me ear-holes! Ye reckon wee little sandflies be bad, do ye?

What of losing your whole crew to scurvy, then? Now that’s bad! I just smears me arms and legs with kerosene, an’ that seems to keep the beasties away. And with these “agents” ye speaks of, just find the laddies that won’t look ye straight in the bloody eye when ye’s throttling ‘em! Aye, that’s when ye’ll hear the truth! _______________________ Each and ev’ry month ,the ghost of old Redbeard appears to answer any and all questions ye can throw at him. Weather, politics, real estate, arcane trivia, buried treasure, plank-walking, care and feeding of parrots or how to make a good macoy... there’s no topic Redbeard ain’t an expert in.

All The News That Wouldn’t Fit Anywhere Else

by a Lionfish Hey. What the hell is the deal?

One day, we’re in a nice little tank up there in Miami, chillin’, swimmin’ getting fed all sorts of yummy fish. Then a nasty hurricane comes – not our fault, btw – and the next thing we know, you’re holding a contest to catch, cook, fry, and eat my grandma, my little brother, even this one chick who went to my elementary school. Not cool, man. Not even remotely cool.

Invasive species? Unwanted visitors?

Gringo people on Roatan – you seriously wanna comment about an invasive species? Didn’t think so. “Hello, Kettle? I have Pot here on line 2, calling you black. Should I transfer you?”

What? You’ve never had nine relatives escape from confinement, start a new tribe, and take it worldwide?

What exactly is it y’all hate about us, anyways? Is it our spines? Our toxins? The way we eat everything in sight – even our own young?

Hey, back off, man. We were made this way.

How would you feel about a people cook-off and recipe contest? Pretty bad, right?

Imagine being a lionfish in Coxen Hole right now. Fun? Not so much.

Think they’re nice to us at the bank? Think again, bub. Think again. Doesn’t matter if you’re in line at Banco Atlantida or Banco LaFise -- they’d just as soon spear you in the head as give you a home-improvement loan.

You know, who was it who plucked my ancestors from the Pacific Ocean, and put us tanks all over the world? Hmm? It’s not our fault there aren’t any

controlling predators in your part of the big drink. Yeah, we breed like crazy. Sorry. We love sex. So do bunnies – and it’s not like you’re having rabbit stew fests all over the Caribbean.

We came here hearing that the water was warm, it was cheap to live, hilltop lots were on sale – sound familiar?

Yet you guys write stories with headlines like “The Only Good Lionfish is a Dead Lionfish” and “Lionfish: A Delicacy That Needs to Die.” WTF? What do I say when my kid reads that on the Internet, huh?

Still sore about what you did to Grandma. She deserved more than Cajun blackened seasoning for her final moments.

You know the whole thing just makes us so… hey, what’s that thing you’re pointing at me?

No. No!

ROATAN WEATHER AT A GLANCE

Send your questions to feedback@roatantimes.com

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Ask The George Jones Songbook!

Why You Gotta Hate On Us So Much?

aSK a pirate

mango

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Every month, we turn to the words of famed country-western icon George Jones for inspiration. George is legendary here on Roatan, and his songs all contain kernels of wisdom that can help folks in tough situations. Inside of the great man’s lyrics are lessons we all can learn from.

Roatan Radio switches to all-Billy Squier format Station decides to devote all programming to aging rocker “Anybody who knows the first In an unprecedented move, thing about the music industry 101.1 FM Roatan Radio will will tell you that. They never change its format next month promoted him enough. So, to non-stop, 24/7 worship of we’re going to get the word out.

Billy Squier.

He’s got 15 albums. And they Squier, 61, is best known for sound awesome in heavy his song “The Stroke,” a Top rotation.”

Ten hit back in 1981.

Roatan Radio’s “all-Squier“And that’s all most people all-the-time” direction is not know,” says station honcho without risks. Squier’s last John Morris. “Which is sad, record, a greatest-hits collection, because Billy is one of the was released six years ago. And greatest talents of our it’s yet unknown how the public generation.

Maybe the will react to a steady diet of greatest.” songs like “Rock Noting that Me Tonite” and many locals on “Billy is one “My Kinda Lover.” the island have “I think it’ll never heard of of the greatest work,” Morris Squier, Morris says.

“No one else says he’s talents of our out there has the determined to change that. generation.” guts to do this.

But we do.”

“You know, hipUnconfirmed hop artists are still at presstime were rumors that sampling him today,” he points the station might allow the out. “And I don’t care what occasional addition of Gary anybody says – Emotions in Wright’s “Dreamweaver” and, Motion is, hands-down, the best possibly, some Tommy Tutone. album title in history.”

For the time being, catch According to Morris, it’s time Roatan Radio’s regular to set the record straight. programming at 101.FM and “Billy got totally worked by roatanradio.com.

Capitol Records,” he alleges.

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Dear George: My wife and I like our little house here in Coxen Hole, and it’s served us well for years. But now, we’ve got a little bit of money together, and we’ve also found some lumber. I want to add a second floor to our home so we don’t feel so cramped. What do you think?

—Second-story Sammy Dear Sammy, Well, son, I’d be careful. Years ago, my woman and I did the same thing. Now we live in a two story house. Whoa, what splendor -- But there’s no love about. The

house is filled with rare antiques.

There’s marble on the floor.

Beauty all around us, like we’ve never seen before.

There’s chandeliers in every room, imported silks and satin all about. We filled the house with everything, but somehow left love out. How sad it is we now live in a two story house. So, I guess I’m sayin’, be careful what you wish for is all.

-GJ Every month our experts explore the rich back-catalog of George Jones songs to find answers to today’s problems. We’ve found there’s not much he can’t help with.

Send your questions to feedback@roatantimes.com

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