EXPANDED FAMILY
Magazine December 2013
ORGASMIC MEDITATION PAGE 12
MONEY AND FULLFILLMENT PAGE 18
KIDS CORNER with carrie Page 24
Valerie Toomey & Cara Toomey
Just Married! Page 28 Z FULLFILLMENT ISSUE Z
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tim@zenhaling.com EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE http://www.zenhaling.com
TABLE ON CONTENTS Publisher’s Note by Christina Marie
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Self Love for Mother’s by Jenny G Perry
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Return to Haiti by James Rizzo Orgasmic Meditation by Kati Brennan Walking by Annette Padilla
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Money and Fullfillment by Dr. Kay Lesh
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Book Recommendations
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Filling Up By Pouring Out by Theresa French
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Page 8 Page 12
KID’S CORNER by Carrie Ann Klineburger Why I Believe Being Independent Is Very Important by Cameron Trotter
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3 Basic Communication Skills by Bruce Muzik
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Same Love Interview of Valerie Dallas and Cara Toomey
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Un-Marriage by Monique Darling
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Healing Through Loss and Grief by Reverend Edie Weinstein
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Fullfillment; An Inside Job by Vincent J Kellsey
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Can Being A Step-Parent Fulfill Your Need For Being A Parent? by Claudette Chenevert
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At the End of The Day by Leah
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ABOUT OUR MAGAZINE Expanded Family Magazine is a free community publi- As of December 2013, we have reached approximately cation, full of education, resources, wisdom and practi- 25,000 readers world-wide. cal solutions for modern families. We have no political agenda when we say: “It takes a Although our definition of “Expanded” exists outside village to raise a family.” of the traditional (intact) family model, the truth is; What we have is the depth of understanding that our any person on the planet -in any family structure -can children live in a world that is bigger than just their care benefit by reading the articles inside of this magazine. takers and it all matters. Who we are, how we relate-it We have also come to understand that ‘family of choice’ all matters. includes members of the community who are not blood related, but rather, connected at the heart. Haven’t we all had a teacher, coach, mentor or role model make a difference in our life? That’s what we mean We support all families because we support all people when we say “It takes a village” and we realize that concepts like unconditional love, acceptance and reverence need to be at the center of Expanded Family Magazine is for ANYONE! all children’s reality, regardless of who their care takers may be.
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PUBLISHER’S NOTE Dear Expanded Family Magazine Readers: Here we go... The focus for this issue is Fulfillment! For a solid month I went around asking everyone I could, this simple question “What fulfills you?” I even had a dear friend of mine who is a school teacher ask her co-teachers and class “What fulfills you?” And here is what happened: No one could answer that question!!! It was understandable that a class of developing 5th graders were not be able to give us a definitive response. However, what was interesting to me was how it was truly puzzling for a lot of adults! Fulfillment seems to be a subjective, complex, ever changing and expanding thing In this issue, we explore different concepts and lifestyles that we are thrilled to have our readers learn about! I’m extra excited about our expansion as an ever developing magazine! For instance, our Editor Edie Weinstein is also an interfaith minister who just -so-happened to be marrying a same sex couple in Delaware shortly before we were about to go to press. This is a big deal. Not just for the LGBT community, but for our magazine! They absolutely fit in perfectly with our essence of expanding consciousness around family. I can’t wait for you to read about Cara and Val’s beautiful relationship in “Same Love” Then there is the article on, “Orgasmic Meditation”. Yes, you’ve read that right! I happened to come across OneTaste™ while watching 30 days of intent videos by Deepak Chopra. This inspired me to travel to New York to take an Orgasmic Meditation class and I have to share, I thoroughly and wholeheartedly recommend this for couples!! In our busy world today, keeping that connection between the adults in the
house can come in second, third and often last place. This practice could re-align relationships, in addition to creating an even greater depth of intimacy, empathy and sense of self and each other. Not to mention the actual scientifically proven health benefits which this practice can provide women! And can you just imagine a world where divorce is essentially obsolete (or left for legal documentation) and people who may have biologically created little human beings made a conscious choice to have a “Un-Marriage” ceremony, similar to that of our author Monique Darling. Visualize children being treated like thoroughly loved and fully supported little human beings by being a part of such an honoring ritual. Consider how that may just be exactly what children need to experience so they thrive in the realization that their family is still a family. Contemplate a paradigm where you as an adult have such an intense freedom around getting Un-Married that you are able to create your life from a clean place with no guilt, remorse or sense that you have failed. There is so much more in this issue to savor. Those are just some places where we as a free community magazine have diversified in our content to better serve our growing audience. We are glad to be part of your family of choice. It’s so exciting!! Let’s dig in! - And so... as you read through the articles, I invite you to ask yourself...What fulfills you... Happy Reading, Christina Marie
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Self Love for Mother’s by Jenny G Perry SELF-LOVE FOR MOTHERS…WHAT THIS TEACHES OUR KIDS. MODELING OUR TRUTHS HAPPINESS ENERGY REALNESS
Why is personal fulfillment for moms needed? It is pivotal for a balanced family dynamic built on a foundation of love. Love for yourself first. It’s life or death. A life of fullness, richness, one of yumminess, fulfillment and happiness, or a slow death of normal, going through the motions, trudging through to-do-lists. A life of to-dolists is not what we came here to do. Too many moms burn out trying to be everything to everyone. You can’t be SUPERMOM. She doesn’t exist! Being your best self, as a person, mom, and all the roles you play is all you can ever do. First, make sure you are a priority in own your life. Is it selfish? I can’t stand that word. I don’t groove on martyrs either. Sacrifice. I didn’t come to play like that. I have four kids and one on the way, but I need to be a person first, no matter what. I want to teach my children to be happy and healthy adults. Fill up your own cup first, your self-love cup, energetically speaking. It’s not like you won’t feed your kids and instead get a pedicure. When your cup is full, through self-love, taking care of yourself, making your happiness YOUR job and no one else’s, and finding a passion/hobby/purpose or some-
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thing just for YOU, your cup overflows and you have more to give your family. You seriously can’t be everyone to everyone. If so, you don’t know who you are. And if you always feel drained and like you can never say no, then ask yourself why? When you are a people pleaser, people will walk on you and take advantage of that, sometimes unintentionally because you do not set clear boundaries. What you wind up doing is feeling drained of energy. Do you want your kids to do that? Do you want them to feel like they have to split themselves in pieces, so that others are happy? What about feeling like they need always think of others first? It sounds like a great idea in theory, but can leave them feeling like a doormat, with no center, backbone, or sense of determination and self. This is a balance only we can feel inside through our intuition what is right for us. How much time and energy we can give to others is a personal thing and not the same for everyone. When we put ourselves and our dreams away, for another year, another time it’s convenient, we revolve our own life solely around the lives of others. Do we want our
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daughters to come to us as adults and say they are doing this because we did this? Hell no! We want our children to have hopes, goals and dreams that don’t die because they become a parent. It is a delicate balance for all, how much time and energy goes into our personal pursuits versus that of the common goal of a family. Traditionally, we have allowed men to have not only a career, but also leisure time, with the mother being the hub of the family. Whether she worked or not, she was the coordinator and often shouldered too much of the load. Thankfully, a tide has turned in many families like mine, where both partners share all the responsibilities. It’s even more important for single parents to exercise self-care, self-love, and seek personal fulfillment because of how hard it is to juggle all they do. I’m in awe of single parents actually. I have been blessed to be married to the same great man since I was nineteen. He is a chef and has worked insane hours, so it has felt like I was single parent at times. I became a mom a month after I turned twenty. I’m thirty six now and I’ve learned so much through parenting. I’ve been watching mothers closely since then, as to know what I should act like. My mom was a working mom. I stayed at home with my kids, except for a few times here and there. I observed stay at home moms of all ages. I made lots of mistakes. I know what dissolving into your family looks like. I’ve done it. When my older two kids were young, I remember thinking…is this all there is? It was like the movie Groundhog Day. I was going through the motions and it was always the same. My kids would fight, make messes, and it just lacked fun and everything I remember loving about being young. I felt like a part of me died. I kept asking for perspective without tragedy. I wanted to have
a better perspective, without having something terrible happen in order for me to appreciate what I had. I knew I should be grateful, but I just couldn’t really feel it. I wanted to be a loving mom, a “good” mom. I felt guilty, angry, and resentful all the time, which prevented more love and joy for them and for me. Looking back, I see I had nothing just for myself. I needed to write. I don’t care what it is, but moms need a source of fulfillment besides their children. That is way too much pressure for a kid anyway. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be knitting, fitness, writing, art, singing, a career, crafting, a love of nature; it is for you to decide for yourself. What lights up your soul? What makes your heart dance? Of course your kids do, but they will grow up and leave the nest, and you will be lost. You will feel your purpose is gone. It’s not about what you do, but more about living your own personal joy. Blocked energy causes a bazillion other problems in our lives. Don’t block your joy. Stifled creativity is toxic. Creative juices shouldn’t be stagnant, life is in forward motion. Just like you know you have to get your body moving for optimal physical heath, it’s the same for the mind and spirit. The key is the more fulfilled you feel personally, the more happiness you feel at the same time, and a happy mom is really what all kids want. When we fill ourselves up, we have more to give. Fulfillment is fruitful for many generations, as we plant seeds of self-love in our children and show them by example. Fill up your love cup.
Jenny G. Perry is the author of the novel, The Jennifers. She’s a feisty married mother of four with another baby on the way. She happily resides at the Jersey Shore and loves to blog on social media about her life’s journey in a fun and spiritual way. She has a passion for life and a bold voice, which preaches self-love daily. She loves to give author talks to cheer on her fellow writers and to tell everyone to go after their dreams. She’s been featured as a blogger on sites like www.elephantjournal.com and www.huffingtonpost.com. Calling herself a silly-sassy-spiritual-sexpot, she aims to uplift, empower and inspire on her Facebook page: Peace Love Joy Sparkles. For all her shenanigans you can follow her on Facebook under Jenny G. Perry. She can also be found on Twitter: @JennyGPerry Instagram: JennyliciousPerry. Her website is: http://www.jennygperry.com Her novel is available on http://www.amazon.com Contact her at: jennyperryrocks@yahoo.com
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A Return to Haiti by James Rizzo
We stepped off the plane in Port-au-Prince, Haiti and into a proverbial steam bath of hot, humid air. We had left chilly New England the night before, traveled to JFK airport in New York, and a mere four hours later we were on the ground in Haiti. The sights, sounds and smells of Port-au-Prince struck us as we made our way from the airport to our lodging. In Haiti, the rule about driving on the right side of the road is merely a suggestion. Cars, tap-taps and motor scooters move with little regard for others. Then there is the smell reminiscent of burning tires and diesel exhaust. We are a medical team providing care for a week. Our goal was to see 200 people a day, setting up a clinic in a school, church or orphanage. When we arrive on site we use whatever we have available to us to set the clinic up. I would find some kind of a bench to use for an exam table. Haiti is a tropical environment therefore tropical diseases such as malaria are common. Contaminated water is also a large problem since it spreads cholera. Just about everyone who comes to the clinic is treated for intestinal worms. Although heart disease is rare in Haiti, strokes and hypertension are common. The average life expectancy is 44 years old, mostly due to the high infant mortality. This was my second trip to Haiti and people most commonly ask me about the conditions since the earthquake. This time things have changed. The tent city that was situated relatively close to the place we
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stayed was almost completely eliminated. Where the people went is unknown but most of the tents were gone and the raw sewage no longer ran down the middle of the street. By the term street, I’m referring to the dirt and rocks that make up many of the streets in the city. Haiti is considered economically the poorest country in the western hemisphere. The rate of unemployment is at 80%. There is no public healthcare. If you are injured in an auto accident and can’t pay the ambulance driver then he will drive away without you. There is no public education. If a parent cannot afford to pay tuition then your child goes without education. That has not changed. Our team is comprised of friends of friends. We work through no particular organization. We were nurse practitioners and nurses such as Doug, our team leader, Claudia, Kara, and Donna. There was Nick, the photographer, Steve, the journalist, Aimee, the naturopath and me, the chiropractor. We worked together even though some of us had only met each other through Facebook. We each shared responsibilities. Every night at dinner we discussed our experiences. Going around the table each of us shared our high and low of the day. I recall some of my highs: when a rooster flew through the clinic or when a child refused medication and ran through the clinic dodging the interpreters who were attempting to stop him from fleeing. I also remember the lows. I recall one in particular, there was a boy that looked about 13 or 14 years old who had a leg amputated days before. He wasn’t in a hospital or medical facility. He was lying on a thin mattress in a school. From what we could gather he had gotten an infection in his foot that had spread up his leg. His leg had basically rotted off. If he had been in this country, he would have received treatment regardless of his financial status and most likely would be playing soccer or basketball again. Then there is the other person I had yet to mention, Ed Amos. Ed has selflessly run a free clinic in Port-au-
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PHOTOGRAPHY Š NICK GLIMENAKIS
Prince for 12 years now. He and a Haitian nurse are a team. When he has other medical professionals come down, he hires interpreters that travel with us. He provides the only form of medical and dental service that the poorest of the poor will receive. What impresses me most about Ed is his ability to work under the conditions he does. He has no medical support. If he gets into a surgery that is over his head, he has no one to turn to for help. He hosts medical teams in his home where we can come back after a long day and get a good meal and shower. His clinic had funding that has now been lost. Is there a way people can donate? When people ask me what Haiti is like, I describe it the best I can from what little I know. Sometimes they will try to compare it to something familiar to them such as an Indian Reservation or Appalachia. Unless you have been to a place like Haiti there is no frame of reference. Although there are poor in this country, I’m not sure that they face the challenges that the average Haitian faces. And yet those I met were warm, friendly and seemed content with their lives. The children in the orphanage were happy, smiling and eager to play with us. The residence we stayed in sat high above a large part of Port-au-Prince and music and singing could be heard far into the night. Yes, there is violence and extreme poverty in Haiti but Haiti is so much more. What impresses me most about the Haitian people is that they are content and happy with so little. On the other hand, I recall seeing an elderly woman
begging in the streets, which is very hard to witness. She had her arms stretched out in front of her, pleading for anything to feed herself. And the trinket merchants selling knick knacks to support their families. Since the cost of living is so low, it takes very little money to feed their family for a week. The problem is if you give someone on the street money you can create a dangerous mob scene. You have to give them the money and drive away quickly. Haiti is a juxtaposition of resilience and desperation. Compassion and a desire to ease suffering is what brings medical teams there.
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James Rizzo, DC has been a chiropractor for almost 20 years and also holds a graduate degree in nutrition. In addition to teaching nutrition at the college level for 10 years, he has lectured internationally and written articles on a wide variety of health related topics. He has been a member of a mobile medical team that travels to Haiti providing medical care. Dr. Rizzo enjoys writing and is a published author of young adult fiction. He lives in Vermont where he also enjoys a variety of outdoor activities.
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Licensed by Frank Baird & Walk a Mile in Her Shoes速, a Venture Humanity, Inc. Project
Walk a Mile in Her Shoes速 Chester County, Pennsylvania MAY 4, 2014 To Benefit: Domestic Violence Center of Chester County. http://www.walkamileinhershoes.org
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The mission of the Domestic Violence Center of Chester County is to provide intervention, education, outreach, advocacy and programs to prevent, reduce and remedy domestic violence in Chester County, PA.
All services are free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day. If you, or someone you know needs help call 1-888-711-6270, 610-431-1430 or 610-431-7262 (TTY) DVCCC P.O. Box 832 West Chester, PA 19381 Administration Office: 610-431-3546 www.dvccc.com
PROGRAMS: •ADULT COUNSELING: Designed to strengthen families affected by the trauma of domestic violence. Services are provided via 24 hour hotline, individual and group counseling with a focus on safety planning, importance of healthy relationships, goal setting, financial management, referrals and job training. • HOUSING: Designed to meet basic needs. DVCCC has four housing programs: (1) 30 day Emergency Shelter: (2) 12/18 month Bridge Transitional Housing (3) 18 month Independent Living Scattered Sites, (4) 24 month Independent Living. These programs can house up to 100 victims and their dependent children at any given time. •LEGAL SERVICES: Designed to strengthen families. Services include legal options counseling, advice and representation in Protection from Abuse cases, custody, support, bankruptcy, immigration and other civil matters. •CHILDREN’S SERVICES: Designed to support children of victims of domestic violence. Individual and group counseling is provided, as well as homework help,
recreational to schools
activities and liaison where the children are
services enrolled.
•PUBLIC EDUCATION AND TRAINING: Designed to promote social responsibility by developing a coordinated community response to domestic violence. We participate in events and deliver presentations and trainings to groups such as schools, businesses, law enforcement, hospitals, social service agencies and community organizations. •RAPID RESPONSE PROGRAM: Designed to reduce time lapses between police intervention and/ or emergency room treatment with the provision of domestic violence services and to promote a coordinated community response to end domestic violence. •LETHALITY ASSESSMENT PROGRAM (LAP): Designed to decrease lethality risk in highly dangerous domestic violence cases by having police connect victims at high risk of homicide with the life saving services of DVCCC.
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ORGASMIC
MEDITATION
An interview with orgasmic meditation coach Kati Brennan CAN YOU TELL ME WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO? I’m Kati Brennan, a OneTaste™ Coach and OM® Trainer and I direct OneTaste in Philadelphia. In that capacity, I teach people about female orgasm through a 15 minute meditation practice called Orgasmic Meditation (OM®). (According to wikipdedia: Orgasmic meditation or OMing is a term coined by Nicole Daedone, who created it in 2001, “to signify a mindfulness practice in which the object of meditation is finger to genital contact. OMing is practiced in pairs, with one practitioner stroking the genitals of the other, and both focusing their attention on the sensation with the stated goal of developing connective resonance between them. Although the practitioners can be of either sex, the focus of orgasmic meditation seems to be on the female orgasm through subtle and deliberate stimulation of the clitoris. Both partners, however, can presumably share in the sensation and fulfillment via a kind of “pleasure by proxy.” Proponents state that orgasmic meditation encompasses more than just orgasm and that it encourages greater emotional awareness, connected relationships, and sense of fulfillment. Others describe the sensation as “a heady buzz, mixed with equal parts wooziness and intensity of focus”) 12
When people take on this practice regularly, a lot in their life can start to shift. So I coach people through those shifts as well. Also, we build community, as orgasm (the way we define it) can only happen in connection. We train people to OM all over the world and in the cities where we live. We create events where they can get together and share an OM or share their experiences in their practice. And, we have a thriving social network where trained OMers can discuss their practice, ask questions of the trainers, find OM partners at home and in their travels, and find out about events. OUR TARGET READERS ARE PRIMARILY WOMEN WHO ARE MOTHERS, STEP-MOTHERS, ANY KIND OF MOTHER; CLEARLY BUSY PEOPLE. ORGASM ISN’T REALLY ON THE TOP OF THE PRIORITY LIST OR A BIG THING THEY ARE LOOKING AT. CAN YOU SHARE THE SCIENTIFIC BENEFITS THAT MAY HELP SHIFT THEIR PERCEPTION OF HOW IMPORTANT ORGASM IS FOR WOMEN TO EXPERIENCE IN THEIR LIVES?
was coming out of a divorce from a marriage of 20 years, with three teenagers at home. For us, OMing was the one thing that really got us connected, and cut through the baggage. It connected us limbically. Your limbic system is where physical feeling is logged in your brain. It is the thing that will have you click, or not, with someone you’ve just met at a party, for example. Limbic bonds are unflappably strong between mother and child. In other relationships, we can cultivate greater limbic resonance. WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THE PRACTICE OF OM? The ‘stroker’ is usually stroking the upper left quadrant of a woman’s clitoris with about the same amount of pressure that you would stroke your eyelash: very, very lightly. The only goal in the practice is to feel. By that, I mean physical sensation. I don’t mean emotion. At the level of physical sensation, there’s much more potential to develop that limbic resonance.
OTHER THAN MAKING US CONNECTED AND BEING PRESENT TO OUR LIMBIC SYSSure, I’m going to speak a little an- TEM, ORGASM IS NOTORIOUSecdotally. I came into this practice a LY KNOWN AS SOMETHING few years ago when in San Francisco THAT MAKES US EXHAUSTED and went to an introductory train- AND SOMETHING ELSE THAT ing with my partner. At the time, he TAKES ENERGY AWAY FROM EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
US, SO WHAT DOES THIS PRACTICE/LIMBIC SYSTEM CONNECTION DO FOR US ENERGETICALLY? That is an awesome question. In order to answer it, I actually have to redefine orgasm. What we tend to think of as orgasm is actually a very masculine model of the experience. We’re hammering away for a result and for something to happen. So we fill up and up and up and up until we peak, and then crash down (and go to sleep). That thing at the very top, we call that climax. It’s part of orgasm, but very far from the whole story. The way we define orgasm is more like a country road. It’s actually everything along that road and not just the high points. Sometimes, women arrive at OneTaste diagnosed as anorgasmic or something along those lines. What we are finding is that what’s actually happening is they just don’t fit into that masculine model of climax. So when we start to look at orgasm as everything along that country road, it becomes something that really generates energy, so it’s not depleting. You will have more sensation and more energy running through your system when you are OMing regularly, and more capacity to hold that sensation. SO THEN YOU THEREFORE HAVE A TON OF ENERGY AND IT’S NOT TAKING FROM YOU, IT’S ACTUALLY GIVING TO YOU?
15 minute practice to where we generate energy sufficient to really enjoy the challenges set forth in our lives.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU FEEL THE READERS WOULD WANT TO KNOW?
THAT’S GREAT. SO IF I’M HEARING YOU CORRECTLY, THIS BRINGS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO A PLACE OF BEING CONNECTED IN A WORLD WHERE THAT’S HARD TO FIND. IT ONLY TAKES 15 MINUTES, AND THEN YOU HAVE MORE ENERGY AND THEN TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER. FOR ME, THERE’S A QUESTION AROUND THE IMPLICATIONS THAT THIS PRACTICE MAY HAVE ON YOUR CHILDREN.
Well, OMing has transformed all of my relationships, not just my relationships with my OM partners. I can credit my OM practice with giving my life a significant dose of ignition. I’m sure my background in meditation, yoga, Sanskrit (especially), and thai massage created fertile soil for this practice to take root in me. I’m more able to feel others, there’s a much broader range of life circumstances that I truly enjoy, and I’m much clearer on what I want and how to have it. I’m more able to be generous without the draining attachment to the strings I used to tie to the things I gave. There’s more possibility, and more orgasm in all of those possibilities.
I don’t have kids, but my partner has shared that he is much more able to connect with his. Prior to OMing he had some masculine ideas about what his role was as a Dad and that HOW CAN READERS LEARN involved a certain level of emotion- MORE ABOUT ONETASTE? al removal. He had to hold his form and be the tough guy. Now, just hav- They can visit this website: ing that 15 minute practice where http://onetaste.us all he has to do is feel every day, his ability to feel has increased a lot. I think there might also be a benefit in terms of role modeling empowered adult sexuality. In my opinion, the message of mindfulness cultivated in an OMing practice beats the mainstream messages around sex that are bombarding our kids every day. OMers with kids model that much more than is possible than in the old paradigm.
Continue for Fact Sheet of Orgasmic Meditation
Yes, absolutely! OneTaste staff OM a lot. We can eventually build a practice over time that includes multiple OMs a day. This can be a sustainable EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
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Fact Sheet of Orgasmic Meditation What is the science of orgasm? Orgasm is a naturally powerful physiological process. In orgasm, essentially all systems of the brain are highly activated, including the insula, amygdala, and somatosensory cortex. The limbic system, a full one-third of the brain that feels visceral sensation seems to facilitate human connection – reading faces, interpreting tone of voice, picking up non-verbal cues – it also becomes activated. In partnered orgasm, the parts of the brain that typically make plans or worry (the frontal cortex – larger in women than men) become less active. The “judging mind” can relax, and enable you to just feel sensation. As the entire nervous system, from brain to peripheral nerves becomes activated, the parasympathetic and sympathetic divisions of the nervous system are simultaneously activated. Through orgasm, you can feel “gut responses” at a deep, physiological level. We know that simple meditation practices themselves cause a similar phenomenon, activating brain regions that are linked to awareness of internal sensation. Improved access to bodily sensations, through a mindfulness practice, is seems to be associated with lower levels of depression. In those who have problems with their mood, having a mindfulness practice appears to reduce negative thoughts and help gain self-compassion and empathy. HOW IS ORGASM DIFFERENT THAN CLIMAX? 14
We know that the body begins to go through a physiologic change even before what most people call “orgasm” – which we refer to as “climax.” We are finding that the involuntary system becomes activated and oxytocin levels increase when starting genital stimulation and prior to “climax.” WHAT ARE THE PHYSIOLOGICAL BENEFITS OF ORGASM? In orgasm, the neurotransmitters oxytocin and dopamine are released in large quantities. Oxytocin in the popular media has been called the “love hormone.” Some anecdotal claims are that it produces fulfillment and joy in serving others. Oxytocin is released in breastfeeding and childbirth. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter that has been implicated in “reward” may provide
pleasurable feelings. Some speculate that the combination of these two neurotransmitters generates feelings of being loved, deeply bonded, and physically & emotionally satisfied. Increased oxytocin is associated with a decrease in cortisol. Orgasm itself may be a consonance state between the voluntary and involuntary nervous systems, leading to optimal strength, stamina, energy efficiency & ease of movement, involving the cardiovascular, respiratory, and locomotion systems, and facilitating awareness and responsiveness. Our practitioners report rejuvenated sex lives, greater ability to experience feelings, improved energy, self-confidence and perception of their bodies, as well as more restful sleep and better connection with their loved ones through this fulfilling practice.
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WHAT ARE THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF OM? The following benefits have been supported by observing physicians and are regularly reported by practitioners: • Increased energy levels and overall vitality • Decreased stress • Restored hormonal balance • Increased libido • Increased enjoyment of sex • Ignited intimacy and connection with their partner • Increased sexual desire
Kati Brennan is the Director of OneTaste Philadelphia and an Advanced Orgasmic Meditation trainer and Slow Sex Coach. She teaches at Temple University. She landed at OneTaste via years of being a yoga teacher and Thai massage therapist. She sees orgasm in some form just about everywhere. http://www.onetaste.us/philadelphia.php
passionpartiesMisty@gmail.com
http://mdtgonzalez.yourpassionconsultant.com
CLICK HERE
http://onetaste.us
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Walking
by Annette Padilla
Walking can be an exquisite form of exercise, it caters to every level of fitness- -including the sedentary desk job holder, the never-have-exercised-before, the enters-the-40’s and all of a sudden woke up to a belly, (where did that come from?), to the avid exerciser and the elite walking racers. No matter where one’s level of activity lies, walking in its purest form, is for movement, yes? But wow so much more is happening when walking, and time for a mini anatomy and physiology lesson. (Don’t worry, “mini.”) 1. The skeleton of your body is held together by cord-like “ropes” called ligaments. Some say that ligaments are as strong, (if not stronger), than cables that hold together the Golden Gate, Queensboro and the Cherry Avenue bridges! (Let’s not find out!) 2. The skeleton is connected by the ligaments at the joints (every place your body that can bend, i.e.: your finger or knee, etc.), and then the joints are covered by muscle. 3. With the above there are things like fascia, tendons and organs that enable movement and finally, the cells. 4. The cells are the mainstay of your energy levels, how you operate on a daily basis and how you feel on any given day. The happier the cells, the happier you. While walking, your heart beats, your blood circulates and your cheeks turn red. That’s blood flow in
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your face! Why is that super cool? Because the cells that make your skin, (skin covers your face), are getting happy because of the exercise. Movement creates a more flexible body. Think of children who are online and gaming for hours in a day. Soon-to-follow is the slight hump back for being in that seated position for copious amounts of time, a weakened body and a fried brain. A walk can be the perfect antidote for those conditions, regardless of intensity of activity. You’re moving. It’s not always how you move but that you move. In the 8-part balance wheel of life, health and exercise are pieces of the puzzle and deserve as much attention as finances, career, family, spiritual/personal development, etc. As a personal trainer, my opinion is that, everything starts with the physical and mental health of the body. When one provides their body with selfcare, (to include hydration ((1/2 of your body weight in ounces of water per day)), 7-8 hours of sleep, food that provides optimum energy and output), and of course, exercise, one can enjoy a life filled with better balance due to a stronger immune system, less time in sickbay, and increased energy. The happier cells, the happier you. Here are 2 excellent walking workouts, both are for treadmill use, (and with some slight tweaking this can be adapted to outdoors), one is a lower-intensity model, the other a high intensity model. The focus,
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(if you’re doing it to lose weight), is total calorie burn. A great number of calories to burn in 60 minutes: between 400-600 calories. Oh yes walking can get you there- -through greater intensity by way of speed and/ or incline. Your body and desire will choose which way to go. The other is a less-intense workout and just as wonderful, this one especially if you’re just starting out! I’d also highly recommend using something like a Jawbone UP for calorie-counting here: https://jawbone.com/up Not only will it track your calories burned during exercise but also your sleep, food intake, steps, and more. PLUS, it’s small like a bracelet, it comes in different colors and synchs to your computer. The bottom line, balance is key in all areas of our hectic lives. Finding value in our own Selves through
exercise can be as easy as a little walk, a stroll on the beach or a tough workout where the sweat drips from your eyelashes. (I find that sexy!) Your skinny jeans will thank you for not abandoning them, your family will thank you for being in a great mood, and you’ll thank you for being so awesome. And all you’ve got to do is….walk.
Annette is a personal trainer, group X fitness instructor and a lifestyle coach. Since 1984 her passion has been one of conscious awareness and deliberate action toward the nurturing of the spirit within, educating that the physical changes are a direct result of the level of deservancy one chooses to acknowledge and grow. Annette’s approach is unique and humorous. Specializing in core conditioning and integrity of movement while treating the problem rather than the symptom, makes Annette an expert in empowering the spirit while encouraging the physical results that people desire, enabling pain-free movement and the indulgence of life. http://absolute-fitness-results.com/about.html
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MONEY & fullfillment BY DR. KAY LESH
becomes greedy in his lust for wealth. • The Bible cautions us about laying up treasures on Earth rather than in Heaven and tells us about the difficulty a rich man will encounter getting into Heaven. • Religious orders encourage, and in some cases, require their followers to take vows of poverty in order to better focus on spiritual goals. • Even an old Beatles song tells us that money can’t buy love. Is there a connection between money and personal fulfillment? Are people with money happier, more fulfilled than those without it? In this society we usually get a resounding “no” when we ask this question. Our literature, music and folk wisdom are filled with cautionary tales reminding us that money does not bring happiness. Here is a smattering of what we have been told about the connection between money and happiness. • In The Old Farmer’s Almanac Ben Franklin cautions: “He who multiplies riches, multiplies cares.” • The wealthy Ebenezer Scrooge, in Charles Dickens’ classic story “A Christmas Carol,” is helped by three spirits to understand that Tiny Tim’s poverty- stricken family was far happier than he. • In the old children’s story, King Midas loses his beloved daughter when he
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We frequently read stories about lottery winners or people who inherit a large amount of unexpected wealth and have their lives destroyed by their sudden fortune. They are besieged by greedy relatives and friends, begging for a share of the wealth. Families are split apart by arguments over money, or the opportunists and scammers gather, seeking ways to separate those fortunate enough to have unexpected wealth, from their money. We even hear that the lucky folks spend their riches on foolish purchases, breezing through millions in short order, and ending up worse off than before their big windfall. The message is clear. Money can’t buy happiness. But, wait a minute. It turns out that it is an over-simplification of a more complex issue. Some recent research tells us that a certain amount of money does bring happiness. A study conducted by Princeton University, using data collected from half a million Americans, found that households
with money really are happier. The households surveyed report a more positive mood on a daily basis. And the amount needed to be happy, according to this survey, currently appears to be around $75,000. This finding makes sense, when you think about it. If you have enough money to ensure a safe, reasonably comfortable living environment and enough food to eat, you are going to be happier than if you are living under a bridge somewhere, scrounging your evening meal out of a garbage bin. But does this $75,000 money-happiness figure mean those households with an income of half that much are half as happy? No, no more than it means that households with $150,000 are twice as happy. We need to be cautious in interpreting the results from this kind of research. The truth is that happiness doesn’t come from any certain amount. Once we achieve a comfortable standard of living, we have the basis for happiness. We are safe, warm and fed. But then we have to do the actual work to make ourselves happy. It is what we do with our money rather than the mere presence of it that contributes to our fulfillment and happiness. A wag once said that, while money can’t buy happiness or love, it can rent it temporarily. And many of us have tried to “rent” happiness. We’ve shopped ‘til we dropped, filling our closets with unneeded clothes. We’ve bought faster cars and bigger, fancier homes. We’ve sent our children to expensive schools, gone on luxury cruises and expensive vacations. Are we any happier? Not always. We can certainly use our money to buy things. We can even use it to buy friends and lovers. But those purchas-
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es don’t guarantee happiness and fulfillment. So what does? One of the more interesting studies on money comes from Belgium. Researchers there found that having too much wealth actually impairs the ability to savor experiences and appreciate the simple joys of life. People in this study appeared to lose the ability to enjoy pleasure when the experience was paired with money. What should we do with our money then, to bring happiness and fulfillment? We give to others, according to some studies. When adults were given money and instructed to spend it on others, they reported being happier than those who were instructed to spend the same amount on themselves. Even children, in yet another study, were much happier when they shared
than when they didn’t. The kids were positively beaming with joy in videos that showed them sharing their treats with others. Having money is nice; it does bring us security and comfort. But, all the money in the world isn’t enough if that is all we have. We need more than just money for fulfillment. We need loving relationships with others. We need the ability to share what we have. And most importantly, we need understand of the difference between what is merely desired and what is essential, so that we can make healthy choices. So, money by itself doesn’t bring happiness. What we do with it can. If we are lucky enough to have a comfortable lifestyle, we can start by being thankful, and then do something with what we have to bring fulfillment. We can
give to others, to share what we have. We can keep ourselves from being greedy and always wanting more, so that we can recognize when we have enough. We can seek out experiences that bring us joy. So, the answer to the money/fulfillment question appears to be yes…. but. Yes, a certain amount of money does aid in fulfillment, but too much of a good thing, can be a problem. So, as in much of life, balance is an answer. Human beings need a balance between having and giving. We need to achieve a comfortable life style and surround ourselves with people who matter. We need to pursue activities that bring us joy. Then we need to share with others. That is where happiness and fulfillment can be found.
Kay Lesh, Ph.D. is an educator and psychotherapist. She has worked as a therapist for over 30 years, and is licensed by the State of Arizona as a Professional Counselor and as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a private therapy practice in Tucson AZ. Additionally, she teaches Psychology at Pima Community College. She presents workshops, seminars and classes on a variety of personal growth issues. She has written a number of articles on topics related to the impact of physical disability, women and rehabilitation, dealing with suicide in the family, psychology of money, and developing self-esteem. Dr. Lesh is the co-author of “Building Self-Esteem: Strategies for Success in School and Beyond,” 3rd. Edition, Prentice Hall, 2002; “Our Money Ourselves for Couples: A New Way of Relating to Money and Each Other,” Capitol Books, Inc. 2003, and “Our Money Ourselves: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money” Amacom Books, 1999.
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BOOK RECOMENDATIONS SLOW SEX
by Nicole Daedone
http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-CraftFemale-Orgasm/dp/0446567183
THE GIFT OF PHINEAS LAKE (YOUNG ADULT BOOK) by James Rizzo
http://www.amazon.com/Gift-PhineasLake-James-Rizzo/dp/1480289507
THE JENNIFERS by Jenny G. Perry
http://www.amazon.com/The-Jennifers-Jenny-G-Perry/dp/1492855510
NAVIGATIONAL SKILLS FOR STEPFAMILIES by Christina Hines
http://www.lulu.com/shop/christina-hines/navigational-skills-for-stepfamilies/paperback/product-14307086.html
Gra Talk To Me
http://nancydreyfus.com/
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http com wor h0b did= uesg
BOOK RECOMENDATIONS THE BLISS MISTRESS by Edie Weinstien
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005T4S09A/ref=pd_lpo_ k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=1535523722&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1452537682&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=075E7KBMNCMYV4DT1RF4
THE ART OF EMPOWERED PARENTING by Erik Fisher, Steven W. Sharp and Diane Fivaz Wichman
http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Empowered-Parenting-Manual/dp/0979027543
IT’S A GUY THING by David Deida
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004FN1SZO/ ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=1535523722&pf_ rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_ i=1558744649&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_ r=1X2S8S4PZ29DQB0N3NP8
Our Money Ourselves http://www.amazon.com/ Our-Money-Ourselves-Redesigning-Relationship/ dp/0814479995
Grain Brain
http://www.amazon. com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=brain+grain&tag=mh0b-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=2478739585&ref=pd_sl_tuuesgnp5_e
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Filling up by pouring out By: Theresa French
Wouldn’t it be great if there were a simple set of guidelines for living a happy and fulfilled life? There is one incredibly accessible way to begin doing so that needs little instruction but requires a great amount of courage to step out. The secret lies in the act of serving others. In my life, while serving through time, talents or resources has created a change in others, it has more importantly created fundamental shifts within me which have brought me closer to knowing what it truly means to have such satisfaction. When you serve, you quickly discover that often the most important things you have to offer are not “things” at all.
After having given my time and talents in several ways over the years, be it at the local homeless shelters, volunteering to sing for a local high school suicide prevention event or just spending time as a mentor to my little sister in what seems in the moment to be just “meaningless chatter,” it is clear that a deep sense of worth and validation has come about for the recipient and for me. Those on the receiving end of service have come out of these experiences feeling like they matter and this becomes the life affirming “juice” they need to meet life’s challenges. Selfless giving is a practice we all have access to, no matter who we are or think we’re not or what we do in this world. While the
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external impact of any act of service is amazing, sometimes knowing where to start can be challenging. I’ve put together 5 reasons why providing service to others could be a worthwhile and life changing intention for 2014: Transforming Your Life Any time we practice the smallest act of service – even if it’s only holding a door for somebody with a full heart that says, “May I be of use to this person.” That kind of giving changes the deeply embedded habit of self-centeredness. In that brief moment, we experience the power of putting someone else ahead of ourselves. This allows a new focus away from ourselves and relaxes the patterns of the ego, a collection of unexamined, self-oriented tendencies that subtly influence our choices and our sense of gratification. To serve unconditionally in this way takes practice and constant effort. A word of caution- giving to get is not the key to fulfillment even if receiving includes the subtle need for a response from the person you are serving. It is human nature to want something in return, even if it seems as insignificant as an outward sign of gratitude by way of a verbal thank you or a head nod. In these moments, it is important to give for the purpose of giving alone and not for the acknowledgement of the gift. You can tell when you’ve truly transformed when just knowing you’ve served is enough; when your mind is quickly taken away to a place where imagining the emotions of the other person brings a smile to your face. When you come to the realization that your efforts are a long term investment and not an instant-payoff slot ma-
chine, you will have begun to alter your life.
Acknowledging and being thankful for your life. When you begin to acknowledge how full your life really is by recognizing the abundance instead of focusing on what you perceive is missing, you naturally make it possible to create an environment where a heart focused on service can take over in any situation. Service doesn’t start when we have something to give – true service begins when we have nothing left we feel we need to take. One way to do this is to become aware of the gifts and offerings we receive, feeling gratitude for them, and finally by honoring the call to pay it forward if for no other reason than to help others feel the way we have felt when we’ve been served. Certainly, in order for the affects to be felt in the world and relationships around us, action needs to be taken and an impact on the external is required. Only when outward action is paired with the work we do within ourselves to change our perceptions and our ideas, can we even begin to approach changing our world, our relationships and our families in a radically different way. “We can do no great things – only small things with great love,” maintained Mother Teresa, a woman who made a difference in the lives of millions. It really comes down to the matter of what we focus on. In other words, it’s not just what we do that matters, but the inner impetus behind our action that really counts. Operate from abundance: the necessary shift from ‘me’ to ‘we.’ When you serve, you begin to uncover the full range of resources
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you have at your disposal – your time, presence and attention – and you begin to recognize that the ability to give stems from a state of mind and heart, a place much deeper than the material extensions we often expose ourselves to in our external world. Inspired by the possibilities, your imagination will often open up in every moment only to reveal humble opportunities to serve – everywhere in every moment. If you want to build fulfilling relationships, it helps to turn the M in ME 180° into WE. This process of looking at our connectedness, minimizing our differences and highlighting our areas of commonality will begin to shift the entitled “because I deserve it” and “what’s in it for me?” to a spirit of “how can I take what I have to help them?” You start to look at people and situations with an eye for what you can offer them and you begin to develop a mindset that shifts from consumption to contribution. Paradoxically, when serving in this way, you are no longer operating from a space of scarcity. Your cup fills and overflows. Illuminate our connection to each other Over time, all of those small acts, those small moments, lead to a different state of being – a state in which service becomes increasingly effortless and automatic. As this awareness grows, you inevitably start to perceive beyond individualistic patterns: Each small act of service is an un-
ending ripple that synergizes and affects countless others. As Rachel Naomi Remen phrases it, “When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole.” Each of us has everything we need to serve. It comes in the form of material resources, time, thought, our network and connections and most of all, just undivided attention and presence. When we really start to look at all that we have, and begin to step forward in the willingness to “bring it”, we deepen our understanding of relationship to each other, as well as our commonalities and we begin to collaborate with each other naturally. This strengthens our ability to make change within our families of origin, as well as the global family. Uncover the flow and contagiousness of serving. When we choose to operate from a place of service, we begin to see the things in our life differently. We begin to shift from “what’s in it for me?” to “what is it I can provide that will mean the most to them?” We begin to set our own agendas aside to begin considering the greater good of those around us. We begin to see ourselves in others and we start to have compassion for where they are or what they might be facing. When we do this, a profound change occurs in our priorities, our contribution and our self-efficacy. Giving, in and of itself, becomes a
catalyst for changing our own lives while positively impacting the lives of others. And when a group of people commit to this kind of change, more value is created in our relationships and it then grows organically, it’s no longer forced or contrived. These ripples continue to feed unpredictable outcomes and blessings. Many of these ripples will remain unseen for years but rest assured, they pay eternal dividends. What each of us can do, on a personal level, will begin to create the momentum to serve. Don’t for a moment take for granted the power in the small stuff. Download our FREE Service In Small Ways course with a list of 100 ways you can begin serving today to begin creating your service ecosystem. As you commit to the process of service, those around you will shift as well. It’s contagious and leads to a life better lived, more fulfilling relationships and a future we can begin to look forward to. Healthy Relationships Minnesota is dedicated to teaching people actionable skills that enable them to create deeper and more meaningful relationships with everyone in their life. We do this because we truly believe, life happens at the intersections of our relationships with others. It is in these times when we’re near one another that allow us to “practice” all that we believe, to live out our values and to put action to what we believe is right. Serving is right and in exchange, we are fulfilled.
As a committed leader, certified blended family relationship coach and youth mentor, Theresa French brings an unmatched passion for providing effective resources that directly contribute to the repair of what she believes is the fabric of our communities…our families. Intuitive and compassionate, Theresa integrates her life experience and unique perspective along with the highest standard of coaching practices into her coaching services. Theresa is dedicated to teaching practical, research based relationship skills which will help her clients learn life strategies that are effective for them and their families. Click for more info: http://www.theresatalks.com/serve100.
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Kid’s Corner with carrie
by Carrie Ann Klineburger Kids’ Corner with Carrie We have a full house with five of us under one roof. As a mom,
3. Recycle greeting cards
Carrie’s top 5 money saving tips
Never buy greeting cards again. Every year when you receive holiday/birthday cards, save them. Buy a pack of plain card stock. Cut out the designs, pictures and quotes from the cards that you received and saved. Keep these cutouts in a Ziploc bag. Then when you need to give a card, pull out your card stock and back of cutouts. Design your own cards by gluing the cutouts on the card stock. They become more personal as you write a special message for those lucky enough to receive them.
1. Traveling with toddlers
4. Reading cubby
stepmom and the day care provider of twins, I am always searching for ways to save money and make the daily routine just a little bit easier. As you might imagine, I have needed to develop out of the box ideas. I’d like to share five of them with you...
While traveling, I have found that a simple rectangular laundry basket has become a necessity. First, it is a great way to keep clothes neatly folded to prevent wrinkles so that I don’t need to pack an iron. I also put the basket in the bathtub while giving my adorable 2 year old a bath. This safeguards him and keeps his toys from floating away. He absolutely loves it! I can still hear him giggling as I write this.
2. Crafty clothes shopping
Young ones are often looking for a special space to page through and read books. When my baby was finished with the pack and play playpen, I cut out one side of the mesh and covered the top with a fitted sheet. The children think that this is a great reading nest. They will take their books in there and sit for a long period of time, which keeps them entertained and allows me respite. This is definitely a huge hit with little ones and parents so that they know where their children are. This also encourages reading because they love to go sit in the quie, cool cubby.
I never buy anything brand-new for the little ones who are all close in age. They grow out of things so quickly that they still seem fresh when they are finished with them. I found some great Facebook groups that offer opportunities for parents to buy and sell children’s clothes, furniture, toys and much more. I keep an envelope specifically for the money I make by selling items so that when I buy something from the group, I use the money from the envelope. This is definitely a money saver for our family. You can start a toddler clothing exchange Facebook group in your area. Here is a list of the groups in suburban Philadelphia with which I am involved:
5. Finger paint from the kitchen.
Delco Baby and Kids Sale/Trade/Give Away Delaware County Pa Baby and Kids Bazaar Delaware County Online Yard Sale Delaware County Rummage Sale Delco and Philly outlet Delco Basement and Attic Sales Delco Deals & Steals baby toddler & boy’s stuff only
Best of all, have fun being the creative money saver :)
Homemade finger-paint: - 3 tbs. sugar - 1/2 tsp. salt - 1/2 cup corn starch - 2 cups water Combine all ingredients in a small sauce pan. Warm until mixture thickens. Let it cool down and pour into containers. Add food coloring to create desired colors. I have used these home-made paints for up to six months before creating another batch.
Carrie Ann Klineburger is currently working on her degree in early childhood development. She’s the biological mom of two boys (17 & 2) and a stepmother of one boy ( 11 ) in addition to this, Carrie is also the day care provider for her 2 year old son and twin girls (age 3)
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Why I Believe Being Independent Is Very Important BY: CAMERON TROTTER
My name is Cameron Trotter & I am 12 years old. My personal definition of independence is being able to be happy with or without people around me. Being independent used to be a problem for me. I wouldn’t like going anywhere without someone with me.
LONG TERM • When you go to college/when you grow up-you will be on your own. If you don’t learn to be independent success may be harder to achieve.
To fix that problem, I am taking baby steps. As an example: I walk to the pool alone and swim until someone I know gets there. Here are some benefits of being independent.
But with independence-success is coming your way!
SHORT TERM • You learn to have fun whether you’re alone or not. • You don’t always need attention • You feel like you’re grown up, an people can trust you and it makes you feel GREAT!
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Cameron Trotter is in 7th grade. Loves softball, basketball and her family.
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3 Basic Communications Skills THAT INSTANTLY STOP FIGHTING by Bruce Muzik
Have you ever had a minor disagreement escalate into a full-on screaming match, accompanied by the sounds of slamming doors? Often these kinds of arguments begin with one of you sharing your feelings about something… and end with one of you sleeping on the couch. Here are 3 basic communication skills that will instantly stop a conversation from escalating into a full-blown war. BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILL #1: ASKING VS. TELLING Unless you’re intent on starting a fight, when you’re sharing something close to your heart with your partner, it’s best to stay away from any kind of communication that TELLS your partner how to be. For example, any sentence beginning with “You should…”, “You really ought to…” or “You must…” is best being removed from your vocabulary, because it comes across as a covert attack and immediately puts your partner on the back foot in defensive mode. Rather, ask questions beginning with WHAT or HOW. For example, instead of saying, “Honey, you really ought to wash the dishes…”, you might say, “Honey, how can I support you with the dishes?” See how the first statement is likely to get a defensive response and the second is likely to get a warm, positive response? Here’s Another. Instead of saying, “You never want to spend time
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with me!”, you could say, “What could we do to spend time together tonight?” Asking HOW or WHAT questions can completely change the tone of a tense conversation, because it forces you to be curious about your partner and step into their world. TIP: Try to steer clear of WHY questions, because unless you’re genuinely interested, they can cause your partner to feel interrogated and lead to defensiveness e.g. Imagine how you’d feel if your partner said, “Why aren’t you ready to leave yet?” If you are genuinely interested in your discovering the true motivations behind your partner’s thoughts, feelings or actions, try this:“Honey, what makes you feel that way?” or better still, “Honey, would you be willing to share (with me) why you feel that way?” BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILL #2: OWNING VS. DIVERTING When we’re fighting, our natural inclination is to want to divert blame from ourselves and place it on our partner, even if we know we’re in the wrong. It’s not really our fault, because our brain is hard-wired to want to be right, so we divert attention off ourselves and onto our lover instead. I call this diverting. We divert when we use sentences starting with “You…” It’s the verbal equivalent of pointing a finger at someone. For example, “You are impossible.” or “You
make me mad!” When we do this, we avoid having to take responsibility for being upset and can divert the responsibility onto our partners. Of course, this is a sure way to start a fight.The way to stop diverting and start connecting is to own your experience i.e. to take responsibility for your experience of what is happening for you in the moment. For example, instead of saying “You make me mad!” you might say, “I feel so angry, I’m mad!” This puts ownership of feeling angry in your court… When you stick to starting sentences with “I”, it’s very hard to blame your partner. Because you’re talking about yourself and not them, it becomes difficult to escalate an argument into a full blown fight. So, when it’s time to talk about yourself, do it by sharing your experience of this moment. Stick to these 4 sentence stems and you’ll be off to a great start: 1. I feel… 2. I hear… 3. I wonder… 4. I notice… Here are some more examples: “Last year’s Christmas with your family was so stressful for me. I wonder if you and I can find a way to soothe each other when we’re at your family’s house this Christmas?” “I hear you saying that you’re afraid that this year might go like last year and that you want it to go smoothly, right?” “Yes, it started at dinner last night and you
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told me that your family didn’t think we were a good match. I felt really sad and am dreading Christmas. Secretly, I feel afraid that you’ll believe them.” “Oh baby. I feel terrible that you’re afraid. I love you. I noticeI’m hurting knowing that you’re worried about us. I wonderwhat I can do for you to show you that I love you and that we’re OK, no matter what my family thinks? You wanna brainstorm with me?” TIP: When I teach “I” communication to couples in conflict, one of the first things that they do is that they find a way to blame each other using “I” statements. For example, they’ll say “I feel like you’re being an asshole!” which is a passive way of saying “You are an asshole!” You partner will feel attacked and then being defending and counter attacking with something like “I’m not an asshole, you’re the asshole!” Obviously, this is not going to help things much and can only result in escalating the conflict. Instead, you’ll be a lot better off sharing
your experience of the moment like this, “I feel hurt right now.” BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILL #3: “AND”ING VS. “BUT”ING But is a small yet powerful word. It has the power to negate everything that precedes it. How would you feel about your partner’s love for you if he/she said, “I love you, but I need some time alone”? That wouldn’t feel very loving, would it? All you’d probably hear is, “I don’t love you.” Here’s a simple communication tip that will change this. Replace BUT with AND. “I love you, and I need some time alone” See how different that feels? The word AND is inclusive of both messages (“I love you” and “I need some time alone”) whereas the word BUT dismisses the first half of the communication. Change your BUTs to ANDs and you’ll notice that previously awkward conversations get a whole lot easier.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT These basic communication skills aren’t going to magicallyfix a relationship that is in trouble, but using them in the middle of a argument can instantly put a stop to it escalating into a nuclear explosion and give you a chance of resolving it. Like anything in life, repetition will embed these skills into your unconscious mind so that they become automatic for you. Jot them down on a 3×5″ card and stick them on the fridge to remind you to practice them. Then teach them to your partner and ask your partner to point out when you TELL, DIVERT or BUT. To find out more about Bruce’s work and get free instructional video on how to stop fighting, start connecting and get on the road to a new life together, visit www.LoveAtFirstFight.com
Bruce is an acclaimed relationship coach, writer and teacher known internationally for helping couples save their marriages. To find out more about Bruce’s work and get free instructional video on how to stop fighting, start connecting and get on the road to a new life together, visit www.LoveAtFirstFight.com
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SAME LOVE
Interview with Valerie Dallas and Cara Toomey
Valerie Dallas and Cara Toomey are two young, glowingly beautiful, vibrant women, living in suburban Delaware. They love music, healthy living, animals, home cooking and each other. Our paths crossed this past summer when I was teaching a class in Kennett Square, PA. When I mentioned to Val that one of my many hats is that of an interfaith minister, her eyes lit up. She shared that she planned to propose to her girlfriend in August and asked that when they were ready to marry, if I would do the honors. It was I who was honored. On July 1, 2013, same sex marriage was legalized in Delaware. Now all I needed to do was wait until the appointed moment for the opportunity to meet her request. They have been each other’s most ardent supports in the face of life challenges, providing a haven for each other’s hearts. Their commitment is to each other and to the freedom of those who choose to marry, without regard for gender.
Val: I was taught through words and some actions that family was important and having good relationships with your family members was important...however, I don’t feel that is what was truly shown most of the time. Throughout my life I have often struggled with who I am and what my place in this world is because of the lack of family I had and the varying degrees of dysfunction that could be found within the family I did have. Now, as a thirty-something creating a family of her own, I have had to define for myself what family truly means to me.
Val: I initially thought it would just be a college phase for me….but quickly realized that was not the case! Once I realized who I was, I was immediately “out” and open. I was always ok with myself and so simultaneously I always had a huge problem with anyone negatively judging me for loving women. Then I served in the military during “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” which violently shoved me into the proverbial closet Do you have people in your life who are that I had never really been in. I eventually ‘family of choice’? went to relationships with men for a time, but always felt that I was living a lie. Now Cara: Absolutely! that I’ve found the love of my life, I couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks! Val: Most of my “family” consists of “chosen members”! I know you met via a mutual friend; did that person have a sense that you would be right How were same sex relationships framed for each other, or was it a casual introducfor you throughout your lives? tion for the purpose of making a new friend?
Since this is for a magazine that expands the definition of what it means to be a fam- Cara: I was brought up believing it was ily, how would you each define that word? wrong. I grew up in a family that went to church every Sunday, yet I knew as early as 12 that I was Gay. Coming out to my family Cara: I once saw a quote that read, “Fam- was anything but an easy or pleasant process. ily isn’t always blood. It’s the people in While some of my family still hasn’t been your life who want you in theirs, the told, most of my family has embraced me ones who accept you for who you are, the for who I am and accept Val as my partner. ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what.” Val: I don’t really remember it ever being discussed one way or the other...when I Val: Blood is thicker than water, but love is came out to my mom at 19 as “maybe, kinthicker than blood…family is whatever you da, possibly bisexual” she laughed and said, make it to be. “No, you’re Gay” and that was the end of it. She has always been accepting. My faWhat did you learn about family as you ther was accepting at first but has since emwere growing up? braced a new religion that no longer allows him to embrace having a Gay daughter. Cara: I wasn’t really taught what “family” should be, though I learned from my Have your perceptions changed over the childhood experiences that having two years about loving another woman? parents who don’t get along and don’t have a healthy relationship is worse than Cara: As time progresses and the world just having one parent who is happy. becomes more and more accepting, I find
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myself caring less and less what people think. Then again, that may be in part due to maturity and self-acceptance!
Cara: It was a casual introduction, no ulterior motive or purpose. Val: Honestly, we really didn’t like each other at first! Then our paths crossed again and we’ve been inseparable ever since! Please share about how your relationship has deepened in the time you have known each other. Cara: As time goes on, all the little pieces that make up a relationship just keep getting better and better. As we learn more about ourselves and each other, we are better able to identify not only our own wants and needs but the wants and needs of each other. There is a trust that is so deep and so strong. Our communication is constant, and it’s honest and respectful. Val: Because we allow each other to grow and evolve as our own independent beings, our relationship continues to grow and evolve. Our bond and our connection is
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deeper and stronger than any I have ever known; the trust and communication that exists in our relationship far exceeds what I ever hoped to find. I believe one of the reasons Cara and I have such a strong bond stems from the fact that we are both cancer survivors. Surviving cancer changes the core of who you are and your view of life, and so we immediately connected on a much deeper, spiritual level. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Oct 2011. I underwent a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. I had genetic testing done and found out I carry the BRCA2 gene so in Nov 2011 I had a bilateral oopherectomy which put me in medically induced menopause at just 31. In July of this year I had to have another reconstruction surgery and Cara was overwhelmingly supportive and encouraging of whatever decisions I made.
and said, “You wanna propose to your girlfriend on stage?” Cara, not a fan of being the center of attention, immediately looked at me and said, “I’m gonna kill you!” Long story short, we got to come up on stage, I proposed, Cara said yes, over 5000 people cheered, and we got to sit on stage while Macklemore sang “Same Love”. Afterwards, GMA contacted us and invited us on the show the following morning to do a live interview, to which we, of course, agreed!
Is there anything else you want to share here? We are so grateful to you for taking an interest in us and our story, and for taking the time to share our story. We simply hope our story can help inspire another person, couple, or family to accept other humans for who they are.
Postscript: By the time this article comes out, they will be newlyweds, as I And baby makes three....do you want will have performed their ceremony on to speak about wanting to become parents? December 1st. Please join me in wishing Cara and Valerie a lifetime of love. Cara: I’ve always wanted to have kids. I always found it so difficult to find someone who had all the qualities I wanted in a partner with whom to raise a child. I couldn’t be surer that I now found the right person. From teaching ABC’s and manYou had a unique marriage proposal that ners to instilling respect for self and the was witnessed world- wide. Please tell that world to embracing our child for whoever story. he or she becomes, I know I have found the person I want to be a parent with. Val: For our one year anniversary, Cara took me to NYC to see Macklemore per- Val: I’ll be honest. I came into this relationform during Good Morning America’s ship adamant that I did not want to become Summer Concert Series in Central Park. a parent. As a teacher, I feel like I’m raising What she didn’t know is that I was plan- so many children, I didn’t need to have any ning to propose to her for our one year of my own. Then one day I looked over at anniversary. During the concert I was Cara and realized, “I want to be a momholding a sign that said “Same Love” (the my with this amazing woman.” I’ve had name of Macklemore’s song promoting baby fever ever since. Whether we adopt marriage equality) and “One Year Anni- or attempt to have a baby through IVF (In versary” with an arrow pointing down to vitro Fertilization), I know being parents us. On impulse I wrote on the back of the together is going to be a wonderfully fulsign “Can I propose to my girlfriend on filling and mystically magical experience. stage?” Right when I told Cara I was ready to leave, the crowd started chanting to the Tom Kelly, the show’s MC, “Read her sign! Read her sign!” Tom leaned over the stage
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Un-Marriage by Monique Darling
I long to be met... by someone who picks ME, (not every day, but on the days that it really matters) someone who goes to sleep thinking of me and wakes up delighted that I am in their world, but in the hours between is preoccupied with their own life, their own passions, finding and delighting in themselves. I long for someone who challenges me, who welcomes me challenging them on every level and isn’t afraid of me. Another who stays centered despite whatever I throw at them and who likes to wrestle someone soooo passionate about life, self-discovery, and who they are, that they shine their light all over the world and therefore not only are not afraid of being overshadowed by me, but excited to be a witness as mine grows brighter too. Someone who wants to touch God through sex, and everyday experiences, and someone who wants to explore every shadow side/demon that keeps them from being fully expressed. I want someone who truly wants to know me, who truly loves me more for all the parts that we find together and who is willing to grant me access to all of their scary parts as well. I want someone willing to call me on all my shit and welcomes me calling them on theirs. Someone who kindly challenges my beliefs and is honestly curious in the being that I am today. Someone who picks me, again and again, and is ecstatically grateful, touched, and opens more because I
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pick them too. Someone whose entire being is vulnerable and meets me in the real, rediscovering each other every day. Someone I can explore my endless passions of sex and spirit with someone I can call home, while simultaneously we each are our own home. This was written prior to a ceremony that my husband and I co-created with our community and children to honor a decision we made about our relationship. Nathan Darling, to whom I had been married 19 years, my best friend and beloved for 30 years and I had decided to take some time apart, to separate, to gift each other and ourselves with the true freedom to find ourselves. My mom has offered to take our boys for the next 6 months, and while I was at Burning Man, the first time Nate and I have been 10 days without any contact, we each came to the realization, individually that our relationship had changed and that we were now stuck in past patterns, past promises. Instead of supporting and inspiring one another, we were holding each other back, but because we still love each other so much, and we both went through such devastating divorces growing up, we decided a long time ago, that would never be us. We are in the process of drawing up our greatest wishes for what this next level of relating will look like and we are blessed to have
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Joy Phoenix, here from Texas, who came to celebrate our birthdays and now has offered to lead us through a community transition ceremony. My greatest hope in sharing all of this publically, is that it will give our community an opportunity to celebrate this new beginning for us, and on an even broader scale, that it will give a vulnerable journey of an alternative “happy ending” of how couples who love each other very much can live happily ever after. I don’t know how any of this is going to look. I went from being a mom to my siblings, to marrying my first husband and having a child at 19, to moving in with Nate, as best friends, falling in love and being together for 19 years, He went on a mission for the church and then moved directly from his mother’s home, where he was very much the father to his siblings to being with me. We are both alternating between deep sadness, excited joyous freedom, and complete withdrawal, wanting to hide from what all of this could mean. Through all of it, we have discovered a place of such DEEP love that will never ever end. Joy Phoenix led Nathan Darling and me through the most beautiful and amazingly profound “unwedding” ceremony last night. We were both held so lovingly, so exquisitely by community and by our two boys who are 12 and 14 years old. We gave each other back our wedding rings with these “unvows”.
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“We have gathered here today to be witnessed as we unbind our two souls from the shackles of societal expectations, from the bondage of unconsciously agreed upon vows, from the oppression of parental hand me down values. To allow the relationship space to grow beyond the confines and definitions that have been handed down from parents, church, society, our own inner voices, to allow it to grow and breathe and open to the truth it can be. To reframe the word “loyal”, and
our metric of duration of time together, our “conviction” that we had to stay together, to BE together, and to not fail each other or our children. To recuse ourselves of the role of “crutch” “enabler” “excuse” in hopes of offering the other the freedom to blaze our own trails independently, to be on the same page, without resenting one another, for not being the parent that we ourselves are not. To be able to relate from an objective, safe space. To keep the wisdom and history, and intimate knowledge we have gained over these 19 years of marriage, while releasing the baggage and expectations that have never served us. We offer each other the greatest possible gift, our freedom” And then community stepped in to hold space as Parents, Society, Church, God, and our children, stood in as Nate and I consciously asked for each of their blessings to let go of the bonds and vows we had once made to each of them, so that we could begin anew relating from the place we are, the people we are now. It was soooo beau-
tiful to take back that piece of us that felt we had “broken” our promises, gone back our own word, to our promises/vows of “for time and all eternity” in our old Mormon faith. To re-center ourselves, to open space for heaven on earth, instead of enduring to the end for our promised reward. There were many tears, many hugs, and so much support!! Ronan (our 14 year old) held out a joined candle at the wick, he lit it, and before the whole community “gave us back to each other,” proclaiming “They are the best parents and I love them.” As the wick came apart, Nate and I felt free for the first time in 19 years, free to see one another, to choose anew in every moment what/ how relating can look like. I have not seen him as happy as I did last night in a very long time. Thank you friends, lovers, tribe for being there. I love YOU. I recently experienced intimacy with my Beloved, the man I was married to for 19 years, and separated from 3 months ago, we haven’t been intimately connected for months, and most of our life together intimacy was complicated on SO many levels... but in the past 2 days we have had A LOT of reconnection, no baggage, no worries, no conditions, no making it mean we are getting back together, no ANYthing but the amazing ability to meet anew in this manner... I feel reset, I feel like the luckiest woman in the whole world...
Monique Darling, San Diego, CA, Authenticity and Vulnerability Coach, is the founder of Divine Interludes which provides workshops and experiential play-shops in the art of Tantra, Compassionate communication, and conscious loving. She has studied and taught with renowned Tantra teachers and extraordinary workshop facilitators since 1990 and is a certified Cuddly Party Facilitator. She has been featured on TLC and The Dr’s and has been interviewed by magazines across the USA. Monique is dedicated to empowering others utilizing her vast repertoire of cutting-edge teachings. She specializes is helping others reclaim their power and natural sensuality by transmuting fear and repression into courage, self-love and freedom. She guides from a place of understanding and her natural exuberance is infectious! She is available for private sessions, experiential workshops and Cuddle Parties. Learn more about Monique by going to www.divineinterludes.com . http://www.juicyenlightenment.com
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Healing through loss and grief by Rev. Edie Weinstein
If there is one single inevitability in this human existence, is that we were all born and one day will die. It is what we do in between that makes the journey from the cradle to the grave worthwhile. Death is not something that is part of our ‘normal’ conversations. Often, words that represent illness are whispered, so as not to tempt fate. As a result, we are left floundering in the face of such events, adrift in an emotional sea that threatens to capsize our little boat. We may feel as if no one could possibly comprehend the depth of our pain. We wonder if the tears will ever cease, or even withhold emotional expression for fear of ‘falling apart’. As we are in the midst of the holiday season, we are acutely aware of the empty chair at the table that once was occupied by a loved one. We may ache for their presence and in some cases, may avoid festive gatherings because they are simply too painful. This may feel intensified if their death occurred around this time of year.
his primary caregiver during that period and witnessed his decline. In the final 5 ½ weeks of his life, I literally lived in the ICU with him, as we awaited a liver transplant that never occurred. I had many of what I referred to as “God wrestling sessions,” during which I declared, “He’s mine and you can’t have him,” to which the Divine replied, lovingly, but equally firmly “He’s mine and he’s on loan to you like everybody else in your life.” I needed to sigh and accept that truth. On December 21, 1998, Michael took his last assisted breath; since he had been on life support since November 11th of that year. At that moment, the aforementioned sense of relief kicked in. He was free and so was I. A period of emotional numbness followed as I went about the business of rebuilding my life as a suddenly single mom of an 11 year old son. I dove back into my job as a nursing home social worker and enrolled in seminary to become an interfaith minister.
As someone who has both personal and professional experience around this subject, I hold out my hand as a guide to ease you through this ongoing process. I have been a career therapist since the late 1970’s and have sat with those who have been in the process of letting go of loved ones as well as those who were making their own farewells to this lifetime. I have been at the bedside of friends, family members and residents in nursing homes as each took their final breath. I think of it, gratefully, as playing the role of midwife at the other end of the life spectrum. Even as I have had these experiences, I still weave the patchwork quilt of emotions that include sadness, fear, anger, confusion, panic, love and even relief. Does that last word puzzle you? It can show up when you consider that this person is no longer in pain and you need not watch them suffer. In the personal realm, I became a widow at 40, when my 48 year old husband succumbed to end stage liver disease brought on by Hepatitis C after a 6 year bout. I was
In many ways, that was therapeutic, since it was where I immersed myself in spiritual subjects that related to loss, such as creating funeral/memorial services and offering bereavement counseling. In a sense, I was my own ‘lab setting’. That first holiday season was a blur, since Michael passed after the last candle of Hanukkah that year, on the Winter Solstice and his service was on Christmas Eve morning. A phenomenon that occurred on each consecutive year that I have found to be common is that of having a visceral experience of re-living the emotional and physical loss. On or around 11/11 each year, my body would fall into hyper-alert mode. I would have difficulty sleeping and eating, and would walk around in a daze. I would cry spontaneously and feel a clinging emptiness. In the midst of this, I still managed to do ‘normal people’ activities such as work, maintain my home and car and care for my son. I had been accustomed to having shared the last three with Michael, so with his death, they became solo endeavors. In 2010, I became an ‘adult orphan’. In
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2008, my robust, fit father Moish died of Parkinson’s disease after a three year fight with it. This man had been a Golden Gloves boxer in the Navy and up until his mid-seventies had six pack abs. He worked in a gym until his early eighties and when he could no longer do that, he still worked out as best he could. Saying goodbye to him was a gradual process. He and my mother were lifelong sweethearts and in a poignant conversation a month or so prior to his passing, I asked him if he was “Checking out before mommy could.” His response was “Yes. I couldn’t live a day without your mother.” I believed him and was grateful that he chose to ‘leave the building’ when he did on April 3, 2008 at the age of 84, since I am certain that had she died first, I would have had two funerals back to back. I miss the man who now ‘accompanies me’ to the gym where I do my regular ‘playouts’ which is more fun than calling them workouts and he coaches me: “One more rep…five more minutes…you can do it, Doll Baby.” In May of 2010, my mother Selma was diagnosed with CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and was placed on hospice. I was able to travel from my home in the Philadelphia area to hers in Ft. Lauderdale seven times in six months and spend time with a woman who had always been my most ardent cheerleader, the ‘broad shoulders’ as she referred to them, on which everyone leaned. I was honored to provide the type of personal care for her that she had for me when I was young. “Baby to baby” is how she phrased it. “Once you were the baby, now I am,” she expressed wistfully. Our shared hospice journey was one of the post powerful and soul searing experiences I have ever had, co-existing with laughter and love. When she passed, the day after Thanksgiving that year, I was catapulted into social worker/minister/executor of her estate role and pushed aside my grieving daughter persona. It was surreal, but I had learned from a master about how to “keep on keepin’ on” in the face of death, as she had when her own moth-
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er died when I was 4. I know she grieved, but continued her ‘normal’ routine as well. Approaching the 3 year anniversary as I write this article, I have only recently stripped off the layers of protection I had placed over my heart and truly allowed for a full range of emotions, wailing at times, having what my sister calls “I miss mommy and daddy days.” I have been gentle with myself in ways that I didn’t feel able to since I erroneously believed I would not recover, even after all the years spent in professional service, telling clients and their families that they would. As a result of decades of life lived in awareness of death, I offer some suggestions to help yourself and others to heal your hearts: 1. There is no statute of limitations on grief. Don’t stand for anyone telling you to ‘get over it.’ You don’t get over it, but you do get on with life 2. Grief and depression are not the same thing. Grief is a normal human reaction to loss. Depression is a clinical/medical/ psychological condition. You can’t medicate away grief. If the experience of grief prevents you from functioning, it may be advisable to work with a competent and compassionate counselor to assist you. 3. When someone you love dies, you need to create a ‘new sense of normal.’ Activities and routines will change.
4. Your roles will change. If you were the caregiver of someone who has died, you are no longer that. Labels we place on ourselves, such as parent, partner, spouse, sibling, will take on new meaning. 5. Never tell someone “I know how you feel.” Even when someone has been widowed as I was, I still don’t know their unique experience. I can tell them that I can imagine what they may be going through. 6. Don’t attempt to impose your own religious or spiritual beliefs on another person’s loss. Saying things like “God needed another angel.” Or “S/he’s in a better place,” may comfort you, but may not have the same impact on the one who is grieving, since they would much prefer to still have that person by their side. 7. Sometimes your quiet presence is enough. Many times, people don’t know what to say to someone who has experienced loss, so they avoid contact. That leaves the bereaved feeling even more isolated. If you don’t know what to say, tell that person just that. “I don’t know how to make you feel better (since that is our natural inclination), so I will just sit with you, if that’s ok.” Ask how you can be there for them. Sometimes just holding them while they cry, may meet their needs. I know it did for me at times.
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8. Create new holiday rituals. You may want to do something to honor a loved one who has died, such as planting a tree, starting a scholarship fund, developing a community outreach project in their name. You may also feel comfortable doing something that you did enjoy doing with them if it makes you feel closer, such as preparing a favorite dish of theirs. 9. Write them a letter, sharing how you feel about the relationship, while they were in body and now that they have passed. It’s my contention that love doesn’t die, even when the person does. I have had many after death conversations with Michael and both parents who come to me in waking hours and dream time. Messages, symbols and songs show up at just the right time. 10. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Grief is not a ‘one and done’ experience. It does feel different at various times. If you feel like being with people, do so. If you feel like being alone, do so… but don’t isolate. Also, it is common for people to attempt to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. As an addictions counselor, I work with my clients to help them find other ways of coping with their feelings, rather than turning to substances to numb or forget. What we resist, persists. The loss will still be there once you sober up, compounded by the residual impact of your choice. Wishing your heart healing, as you celebrate the lives of your loved ones, even as you grieve their physical absence.
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Rev. Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW is a colorfully creative journalist, dynamic transformational speaker, interfaith minister, licensed social worker, addictions counselor, radio host, reiki master, BLISS coach and PR Goddess. She calls herself an ‘opti-mystic’ who views life through the eyes of possibility. She is the author of The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming The Ordinary Into The Extraordinary. Edie is a frequent guest on radio shows and loves to speak on the subjects of relationships and recovery, sexuality and spirituality, transition and transformation, peace and pleasure. www.liveinjoy.org
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FULLFILMENT. An Inside Job. By Vincent J. Kellsey Fulfillment: An Inside Job. So you are in an unfulfilling relationship… job…career…body…etc. Why is it that the search for happiness in something outside of ourselves is almost always unfulfilling? The answer lies in the question: The search for something OUTSIDE of ourselves. I spent many years searching to be fulfilled from external things, trying to find it in relationships, sex, food, travel, excitement- until finally one day after a very painful ending to yet another relationship, it all hit the wall and my entire world collapsed. It was through this event that I learned something that has become a cornerstone in the training and coaching work I do now, and that is this: Every breakthrough is preceded by a breakdown. In order for anything new to arise, the old must first crumble and collapse. While you are in this process of collapse, it seems like the end of the world, but in reality, it is just the beginning of a new one. There are countless analogies for this, the caterpillar becoming the butterfly, the mythical Phoenix bursting into flames and turning to ash, and from the ashes a new egg and new Phoenix arises. There is a reason for there being so many metaphors for this, because we all go through it at some point in our lives. If you have been through it you know what I am talking about, and if you have not, chances are very good that at some point you will. It is as inevitable as the coming of the thaw to a frozen mountain spring. But what does any of this have to do with fulfillment? Only everything. It is on the other side of the breakdown where we can begin to experience fulfillment. It is where we become a new person, stronger, wiser, clearer; it is the place where we have learned how to transform our fear into power, and to connect with our true authentic selves, to hear our own voice speaking and to begin to hear its wisdom. In order for things to change, WE must change. You cannot be the same person you were before and get different results. So where then do we find fulfillment? Only in one place, our own hearts. And how do we get to our own hearts? By mastering our minds. The mind and heart are connected, and when this pathway be-
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comes clear, true transformation can happen.
and emotions, or they will master you.
In the book I share with you, the reader, the 8 Secrets that *Golden Dragon Leaders have used to transform not only their fear into power, but to transform their very lives. They are the key secrets I used to go from being broken down, broke and unfulfilled, living in the back room of a friend’s studio apartment, alone and full of fear- to moving to another country half way around the world on my own, meeting and marrying my beautiful wife, publishing a book, and more than doubling my income. While I cannot honestly say that I am completely fulfilled, I can say my life is totally transformed from what it was. I believe happiness comes and goes, and fulfillment is the same. Even enlightenment is simply waking up and being present and aware, not a state of constant blissful fulfilment. As the Zen saying goes, before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood carry water. Life goes on, and the only thing that really has changed is within our self, but that change is like night becoming day. We have moments of peace, moments of happiness, moments of fulfillment, even moments of enlightenment and oneness, but they come and go. Transformation however, is a permanent state and goes beyond simple change. It is a new state of being, and like the butterfly cannot go back to being the caterpillar, you cannot go back to who you were before. The 8 Secrets of Golden Dragon Leaders are, I believe, the keys to transformation, and in that transformation you may very well find fulfillment. I want to share those secrets here with you now.
5. Learn how to tap into “The Flow” and you will experience unbounded creativity.
1.You must want it with all of your heart and soul- or else chances are very good you will quit when it gets too hard. 2. You must learn how to master your fear, or it will master you. 3. Know who you are, and what is most important to you. If you know who and what you stand for, you are powerful and not easily swayed from your course. People want to follow leaders who know where they are going.
6. You must have a plan, with a timeline on that plan, and you must stick to it, never deviating until you have achieved it. 7. Build or become part of, a great team. 8. ACTION! ACTION! ACTION! In the book, I go into much greater detail on all of these “secrets” along with action exercises to put them immediately into practice, however I will give you a quick overview of them here. 9. You must want it with all of your heart and soul- or else chances are very good you will quit when it gets too hard. In essence, unless your desire to achieve your goal comes from the deepest part of you that MUST achieve it no matter what, there is no other option when it gets hard, which it will, since it is very easy to quit, to give up, to look for something easier. This comes back to fulfilment- we often think that if we just GET something, more money, that girl or guy, that house, that job, that body, etc., then we will be fulfilled and happy forever. So many things we want come from that place rather than our true heartfelt desires. I do not say want it with all of your heart and soul meaning you just have to have it, but rather that it comes from your heart and soul. 10. You must learn to master fear, or it will master you. Fear is the number one thing that stops us from achieving what we want from our heart and soul, which is the first secret. We know we want it, but we do not take the action to get it, because we let the voice of fear stop us. Until we learn how to master that voice of fear, to tame our fear, to learn to live with it but not let it control us, we are slaves to it, not the other way around. This is the core of much of the work we do in our seminars and coaching, helping you to learn how to master your fear and transform it into the power to take action.
4. You must learn to master your thoughts
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11. Know who you are, and what is most important to you. If you know who and what you stand for, you are powerful and not easily swayed from your course. People want to follow leaders who know where they are going. You may not want to be a leader, but this third secret ties into both the first and second, because in order to get what you want from your heart and soul, you must learn to lead yourself, which means mastering your mind and mastering your fear. When you learn how to do this, you transform the fear into power, and people around you see the power in you, in the form of self- confidence, clarity and a sense of strong purpose and direction. You may not want to lead others now, but once you have learned to lead yourself, it is a natural progression that you will step up to larger level of leadership. The good news? The more responsibility and leadership you are willing to take on, the more money you make. Look at anyone who is in any kind of leadership position, be it a CEO, a sports star, a world class musician, or even politicians and look at their income and net worth. See what I mean? It is not about the money, but the money sure makes the rest of it worthwhile.
or see before because you were confused, listening to your mind chatter and your fear, and not standing in your power. Now, the channels are clear and you are “plugged in”.
12. You must learn to master your thoughts and emotions or they will master you. Now I am not saying here that you must become like a Zen monk or an Indian fakir, but what I am saying is that you must learn how to control your emotions when the time is appropriate to do so. Prisons are full of people who are spending the rest of their lives in regret because of one moment of uncontrolled emotion, where the emotion became the master. Emotions are like fire, if controlled it serves us, however if we let it out of control it can consume and destroy everything it touches. So why control thoughts? It is the thought that leads to the emotion. Emotions do not arise on their own, they are ALWAYS preceded by a thought.
tion, but now you can plug into the flow and know what to do, and the time has come to make a plan. If you trust yourself, and trust your new ideas, the plan will be good one, and your task is to stick to it, and not abandon it until you achieve the goal that came from your heart and soul in secret number one. The plan may change along the way, but this is your roadmap, your compass, your GPS to reach your destination. It will not be your final destination, as once you reach that goal new ones will take its place, but you now have a “system” to use over and over.
13. Learn how to tap into “The Flow” and you will experience unbounded creativity. Like the secrets before it, this fourth secret ties into the ones before it. When you are clear about what you want from your heart and soul, have mastered your fear so you are present and focused, know who you are, you have moved into a state of “flow” , and can begin to tap into the universal mind and unlimited creativity. Solutions and answers will begin to come to you that you could not hear
Golden Dragon~The 8 Secrets: How to Transform Fear into Power and Lead from the Heart, was published in late 2012, and is available for purchase both online and at live events.
14.You must have a plan, with a timeline on that plan, and you must stick to it, never deviating until you have achieved it. Before you did not know what you wanted, or how to get it, or let your fear stop you from taking ac-
These 8 secrets form the core of what I call The Golden Circle Success System™ and it can be used to achieve any and all future goals. 15. Build or become part of, a great team. You do not have to do it alone; in fact you cannot do it alone. All great leaders have a team behind them. All successful people have a team behind them. Michael Jordan had a team. Michael Jackson had a team. Richard Branson has a team. President Obama has a team. Oprah has a team. Now it is time for you to have a team. How do you find a team? Start
with where you are, even if it is a team of two... outsource, affiliates, partners, JV’s, (Joint Ventures) family and friends.…there are many ways that you can create a team around you with very limited resources and even connections. With the advent of the internet and globalization, finding a team just became a whole lot easier, and within the reach of anyone. 16. ACTION! ACTION! ACTION! If you apply all of the above 7 secrets and fail to apply this one, it is all for nothing. This is where the rubber meets the road and your dreams come true. You must act on your plan, and keep in motion until you see the results. The hardest part of secret 8 is the first step, which is why our world famous QSG Firewalk Experience is so powerful. When you are willing to step barefoot onto 1200 degree coals, you have learned to take action despite the fear, and you are now in motion. Simply keep going until you reach the other side. The same is true of your plan. Firewalk or plan, the first step is the hardest, but go for it and you will see your life transform. These 8 Secrets of Golden Dragon leaders are the cornerstone to building your best life ever, and if anything can lead to fulfillment, this is it. If you have ever traveled the world, or even simply visited another country with which you are unfamiliar, you know that a great guidebook can make all the difference between struggling along and getting lost, or walking on a well- traveled path and enjoying the journey. I hope that as you begin building the life of your dreams, Golden Dragon~The 8 Secrets can be your guidebook to that unfamiliar terrain, and may it serve you well. And finally, just as we pass on our guidebooks when we have come home and no longer need them, I hope that once you have used Golden Dragon ~The 8 Secrets to reach your dreams, you will recommend it to others or pass it on to someone who is just starting out on the journey you have now completed, the journey to fulfilment. I wish you great success and may you find the freedom you seek.
CLICK TO BUY BOOK ON AMAZON: http://www.amazon.com/Golden-DragonThe-Secrets-Transform-ebook/dp/B005Q22DBG
Vincent J. Kellsey is a speaker, trainer, life coach, and author. He is the founder and CEO of Quantum Success Group, and has been in the speaking and training field for over 10 years. He has traveled the world over and has worked with and learned from some of the top international experts in success, spirituality, and money. He now shares with other what he has learned about living a life filled with passion, purpose and prosperity, and shows the people he works with that when you learn how to transform the fears that hold you back into the power to take action, you really can live the life of your dreams, and it is far easier to do so than most people think. Vincent j can be brought in to speak on your stage about how to transform fear into power, and how to apply it in everyday life, work and career, and even relationships, to truly create a life you love.
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Can Being A Step-Parent Fulfill Your Need For Being A Parent? by Claudette Chenevert
Can Being a Stepparent fulfill Your Need For Being a Parent? Jennifer can’t believe that after all these years, her 16 year stepdaughter Carla yelled at her “You’re not even my real mom. Why do you care so much if I’m out past my curfew?” Jennifer felt torn inside because having been in Carla’s life for over 12 years, she considered herself her real mom. Jennifer was there for Carla’s first day at school, attending every parent/teacher meeting, volunteering in her class. She remembered when Carla first rode her bike without training wheels and how everyone was excited. She made sure her stepdaughter had birthday parties, and shopped for all her clothes. Jennifer was always there when her stepdaughter was sick, missing work so she could stay at home and nurse Carla back to health. There were also the laundry and the meals prepared every day so that the home would function like clockwork. 36
This episode brought up feelings where Jennifer questioned herself about if she was her biological child, would she feel inadequate as a parent? Could she still love Carla as her own even if she wasn’t? And what does it mean to be a parent? The role of parenting, whether you are a biological parent or not is the same. The difference is basically the method of how you became a parent. There is this bond that exists between a biological parent and a child that tends to be stronger than with a stepparent (and even with adoptive parents). Basically, the parents have had 9 months to prepare, prior to having the baby and then as the baby grows, so do the parents. The amount of time spent with a small infant helps to create those stronger bonds in the beginning. When a stepparent comes into the life of their stepchildren, the children have already had life experience with their parents. That can be even more challenging EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
for some stepparents knowing that they are not the only ones raising the children, especially if the parenting styles are very different. For some women, becoming a stepparent may be their only way of becoming a mom either because they themselves cannot have kids or their spouse can no longer make babies. This is not always the easiest route. Being a stepparent can lend itself to having some insecurities around being good enough as a parent, wondering if he/she is doing a good job, and asking themselves whether or not the children love them. When a stepparent is unsure of his/her role in the family and with the kids, wondering if they fit in or not, it causes stress and tension on the relationship, which can lead to arguments and distress. When our needs of belonging and feeling valued are not met in a relationship, it leads to questioning ourselves about whether we should continue to be in this
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Next, reflect on if it is realistic to depend on other people to fulfill those needs. What can you do to feel good about yourself and feel a sense of accomplishment as a parent/stepparent?
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relationship. This occurs with stepparents when they don’t feel appreciated or valued. Understanding our needs and wants can help us create stronger relationships based on realistic expectations. Start by asking yourself: Why is it important for you to be a parent? What are some of the needs that are being met when you are a parent? What are some of the goals you have regarding the future of the children?
own needs, the more secure she felt in her role as stepparent. The more secure she felt, the more Carla engaged with Jennifer in a positive and loving way. It really starts with being content with who you are in your life and the rest will folWhen we feel inadequate as a par- low through. ent/stepparent, when we feel that we are not fulfilled or that we don’t Claudette Chenevert measure up, it may be time to take The Stepmom Coach another look at our values and be- www.stepmomcoach.com liefs and see where some views can be readjusted to be more realistic. When Jennifer took the time to ask herself these questions, she realized that she was doing her best to be the kind of parent she wanted to be for Carla. When she re-evaluated everything she did, she felt good about herself and was actually proud. Once she understood that Carla was being insensitive to her because she was upset at not being able to stay out late, Jennifer took the time to share with Carla http://www.amazon.com/dp/1592407331/?tag=that although she isn’t her “real” googhydr-20&hvadid=28510118666&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=s&hmom, she cared for her just like her vrand=958306623186861391&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hmom. Carla apologized for being vqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_8mzjm2bh2g_b insensitive and gave Jennifer a hug. Daring Greatly: Jennifer felt more secure in her role as a stepmom and knew that I tried to be strong all the time and thought in order to be a good mom and stepmom even though she never had her that as well as wife, I had to do it all and be all to own children, she was very proud everyone. Daring Greatly gave me the permisto be myself and that good enough is perof the contribution she was mak- sion fect. I’ve worked with many women, both moms ing in Carla’s life and knew this was and stepmoms that are so afraid of not being enough that they are making their lives just a phase that Carla was going good more difficult because of them trying too hard. through. Daring Greatly shares some of today’s greatest
Then ask yourself if these needs can only be met by being a parent? What are other ways that those needs can be fulfilled? Who else in your life can help you meet those The more Jennifer took care of her needs? Are they realistic?
wisdom for anyone feeling they need to do more when in fact they are already doing enough, at this very moment. Claudette Chenevert The Stepmom Coach
Claudette Chenevert known as the Stepmom Coach works with stepfamilies who are struggling to create a cohesive family life. Speaker, author and Stepfamily Relationship coach, Claudette mentors and guides stepfamilies to create a harmonious and thriving homelife. Families see results within the first two sessions and by the 12th session, they are THRIVING! For more information on programs and services, go to http://www.stepmomcoach.com.
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At the End of the Day By Leah Stauffer AT THE END OF THE DAY...being fulfilled all boils down to what makes us happy. Sounds simple, right? Seems like answering the question about what makes us happy would be easy and for some of us, it may be. For others, it requires a bit more introspection. To some it may even sound selfish. We may have been raised to put others first. It may require giving ourselves permission to matter and to matter first; before our work, our partner, friends, family and yes, even our kids. We are the source of our own happiness. From that core or center, all else flows in our life. When we are happy, we have a feeling of fulfillment as well. It is from this fulfillment that children, partners, friends, family and the world at large receive who we truly are and what we have to offer. Our love, kindness, generosity, spirit, essence, etc., the breadth of who we are, overflows. So, what makes you happy? A few years ago I took a class where I had to create my goals, plans and mission statement. At first, my goals were all very lofty and of the nature of solving one of the many great ills of the world and other such grand endeavors. As I continued through the exercises and began paring it down to the lowest common denominator, I realized that in every lofty goal and every dream and vision I have for myself, it was that making a positive difference in the lives of others made me happy. As I kept honing my list, every goal was rooted in what brought me joy. I determined my true goal (and for me, my job in this life) is to know and be responsible for my own happiness. I could see that was the surefire route to all my loftier dreams. I came to it sort of backwards. I intuitively knew the “outside of me” things that would make me happy and was striving towards them. I just had not identified the critical importance that it all was based my own happiness. I am hoping that by sharing my experience, I may save you the trouble and time to go on a roundabout journey that can sometimes take years to then ultimately come back to this moment. Topics in this month’s issue offer us great ideas on what may bring us fulfillment. What wonderful starting points for some
introspection. We can read and research, hear opinions and varying vantage points, listen to experts live or on television or from some amazing program we ordered from an infomercial or online. We can get trained in any number of modalities and techniques or meander through stimulating conversations with friends. We can study under the greatest Master or Guru on the planet. The thing is, AT THE END OF THE DAY, it still boils down to what makes us happy and that is something only we can know. It requires some real introspection with no judgment or conditioning from our youth or the norms we live within now. It takes quiet time with ourselves, some deep thinking, perhaps journaling and above all else, honesty with ourselves without judging or suppressing our thoughts. What makes us happy are truths we must discover for ourselves from somewhere deep inside of us. We can surround ourselves with wonderful people and resources to support us as we embark. A truly beautiful way to live this journey to happiness. If we embark on this exploration and ask our own questions (the ones of interest to us) and find our own answers and create our lives around what we discover, then I believe we will feel fulfilled. So how do we really get clear on what that is? Is it a big fancy house, snazzy car, great clothes, modest items or are they actually objects at all? Is it having a home, or is that not critical to our happiness? Does it come in the form of a clean and organized space, good food, healthy mind and body, or are such things irrelevant to us? Is it having great relationships or are we more solitary and our own company brings us joy? Do we love and want both in our life? Does earning a lot of money make us happy and feel accomplished or do we find a sense of accomplishment in other things, or maybe both? Do we like to travel or stay home or maybe a bit of both? Do we have an interest in being of service or is that not something that brings us fulfillment at this point in our lives? Beginning to answer questions such as these, is the gateway onto the road
of happiness. A road that leads to a true feeling of fulfillment. If I could lay out every question and every angle known to mankind and provide you studies and research on what brings fulfillment to some, AT THE END OF THE DAY you would still have to design and travel your own path to determine what it is that has you feel fulfilled. It is like your own unique life recipe that you create. Sure, you could read a cookbook. You could watch cooking shows and learn from master chefs. I suggest that true happiness, the kind that leads to a real sense of fulfillment, can only be created by you. Your exquisitely beautiful life. For those of us of the spiritual ilk, I trust you will also find that your true purpose here on this planet is also rooted in what makes you happy. Happiness becomes like a series of neon signs lighting the way to the fulfillment of the highest expression of ourselves. What is on those signs is completely up to us. As we discover, honor, manifest and start being completely responsible for creating a life that makes us happy, we will be happy. I wish this for you. I wish the full authentic expression of yourself for everyone you love and care about and for our planet. With Abundant Love, Leah
Leah Stauffer is an Entrepreneur, Producer, Author and Trainer who has been dubbed a “Guru of Healthy Beauty” by the media. Her expertise is in assisting people in realizing who they truly are. Through her “Authenticity Coaching,” she provides support that allows the individual to confidently express themselves and share their natural gifts with the world around them. In her own words, “This is the best and quickest route to true freedom, vitality, fulfillment and happiness.” She has been facilitating these Transformative Experiences for over 10 years.
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STORIES OF
COUR AGEOUS vulnerability
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y u E d t e u m , r f d y. n f t
t a y. u
“People being courageously vulnerable, out of which life changing moments occur, that take our breath away.” Global Team: •ROSS TROTTER •DINESHH SHAH
•CHRISTINA MARIE •WENDY ZALLES
• KATHERINE PEDRICK-FILER
•ANASUYA ISAACS •JUDI ROMAINE
C O U R A G E O U S V U L N E R A B I L I T Y: L I V I N G L I F E T O T H E F U L L E S T E A C H D AY
STORIES OF COURAGEOUS VULNERABILITY A book of collective stories from around the world. Each story uniquely different yet all embracing and true to being Courageously Vulnerable. This courage and vulnerability has empowered each author to transform in ways that will “take your breath away” While we have 38 stories from around the Globe, below is excerpts from just a few! Each Excerpt reflects only a small portion of the author’s story.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/christina-ross/stories-of-courageous-vulnerability/paperback/product-20774101.html
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