Expanded Family Mag Issue #8, Jan 2017 by Christina Marie

EXPANDED FAMILY

Magazine January 2017

Love Defies the Odds:

Why I Am Waiting for Marriage page 24

The Story of Nicole & Lori

SEX AND SOCIAL JUSTICE:

AN INTERVIEW

WITH JAMAL JOHNSON PAGE 48

Oh, I Dare! Love Affair

page 18

Humanity & Human Sexuality Issue EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

with Thy Self: The Movement

page 8

Love Affiar With Thy Self by Christina Marie

Humanity & Human Sexuality Issue

Page 8

Table of Contents

Reclaiming My Sexuality After Divorce Page 31 by Jaimie D Karas

Page 45 Book Recommendations Sexual Currency

Love Defies The Odds The Story of Nicole & Lori

by Dr Kay Lesh

Page 34

Page 18

Embracing The Sensual Side Of Your Self In Fitness

by Annette Padilla

Page 15

Advance Directives & Caring for you and Your Family by Melissa Mansfield

Page 36

Blueberries!

Tapping Into Our Own Humanity

Page 38

Page 12

No Soft Disappointment with By: Marc Kusaka

Good Girls Do

Page 28 by Edie Weinstein

by Deb King

You Worry Me

by Rodye Eric Butler

Page 22

Now What ?! by Rhoda Kaplan

Page 40

Sex and Social Justice: An Interview with Jamal Johnson

Page 48

HUMANITY for HUMAN SEXUALITY by Donna LeClair

Page 52

Why I Am Waiting for Marriage Page 24 by Indya Mnnis

Human Sexuality: An overview Page 42 by Dr. Sushma Pankule

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“that shit runs deep. Real… real deep” Every time someone says to me “I don’t know why I’m telling you this” I understand why they are telling me and I also understand why they experience that immediate thing I fondly call: Sharers remorse. I tend to attract and bring out emotional courage in people. Intuitively people can trust me with their stories. I’m pretty out there myself after all. So there is that too. The remorse is about their own vulnerability. “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” - Brené Brown When you live or have been living in a shame culture that induces fear and more fear, there is nothing more vulnerable than to share your darker parts with another human being. There is no guarantee and hardly any evidence to support your intuitive knowing that you can trust me in that moment (as you share all) that’s scary stuff when you live in a shame culture and also have plenty of experience to support how unsafe it actually is to share our whole selves in this world. How could you know or trust your intuition in a world where- your intuitive knowing isn’t something you’ve been taught has any value. Furthermore, if your desires, needs, hopes and dreams are different from the status quo existing inside of our shame culture…the risk becomes more palpable, it’s truly frightening. Forget it if you’ve got a little thing going on called: Perfectionism because then it upgrades to terrifying. “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” ― Brené Brown,

Publisher’s note: Living in a shame culture and being courageously vulnerable in spite of it. “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” - Brené Brown These days, I am dying for someone to turn to me and say “Woman, you have no shame!” Just so I can smile real big and say “I know! How awesome is that!” and then I want to sing the song “Oh, Happy Day!” Changing the lyrics: ”When Christina was….Shame free.” All throughout my journey, connections and work, I am usually the person you will over share with. It happens everywhere I go. I’m that person. You know ... The person you end up sharing your deepest -darkest – dirty- little -shameful secrets with and then you shake your head and say: “Wait, what?” “I don’t know why I am telling you this” “I don’t know what made me say that”

In psychology circles with some of my most treasured friends with their Ph.D’s.. that is known as over sharing and instant relationships. Aka Unhealthy and one must be very very careful about that. Personally, I think that theory is nonsensical and just another fear tactic to avoid humans healing through the most simplistic healing tool there is: Connection. Some of the most private extremely conservative humans who keep their secrets locked in an empty room some place far-far- down below the surface- they usually end up sharing their deepest darkest moments with me too. These are humans who have never done an instant relationship in their entire lives. In fact, you have to pass 35 different levels of “must have’s” before you can ever get anywhere near their true selves. Having that experience over and over again in my life…sort of makes the over sharing psychology theory suspect and for me personally based on my experience, null and void all together. My experiences are combined with lot’s of education, study, research, experimenting in addition to feeling into the pulse of other humans. Therefore, I would say: we live in a world that shames people for just about anything and everything and it’s become so insidious, it’s layers upon layers upon layers. As one of my Spiritual Hawaiian friends says all the time (as he lowers his voice very deeply)

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As it relates to humanity and human sexuality...our shame culture is problematic. I don’t have the answer to solve the problems of humanity but I do know...sometimes being the light means holding someone’s dark without shaming them and just by doing so...healing begins and it all happens in reverent time. Not on my time or the time table set out by all of those experts with their statistics and know it all theories. But on human time and human time can be just like Hawaii time or it can be like New York. Nice and slow or super fast.

world is neither good nor bad nor defective, nor is it in need of help or modification because its appearance is only a projection of one’s own mind. No such world exists.” Everyone seems to be (as my dear friend Goli says) “constipated.” Humanity needs a colonic…or does it just need a culture that allows humans to be human? And that leads me to our theme in this issue: Humanity and Human Sexuality. In this issue we don’t have much going on in terms of parenting this go around but we do have a lot going on for parents, the keepers, protectors and care takers of the little humans. Our Cover Gals is not just a story of owning all of who you are, it’s a love story that brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. Tapping into our humanity ties into the Love Affair with Thy Self Movement. Those who love themselves, usually are able to love out and in ways that does help humanity. The sensual side of yourself in fitness gives permission to own your sensuality. Why I am waiting for marriage honors those who have faith. Good Girls DO helps women realize, they are allowed to enjoy being sexual. Reclaiming my Sexuality After Divorce is a good one for woman who are married. It may help them realize something important for their health and well being. Sexual Currency helps us see the connection we have between sex and money. How confused we may be. Advance Directives & Caring for You and Your Family offers readers and opportunity to understand the value of preventing leaving loved one’s behind with the added burden of having to figure out what to do and how to do it. The list goes on...the articles are all about Humanity and Human Sexuality. Happy New Year and please enjoy this issue of Expanded Family Magazine Cheers, Christina Marie Publisher

However long and whatever it takes to heal one’s body, mind and spirit, to own the truth of who we are at a level that is both courageous and vulnerable, to get our ah ha moments, to have a breakthrough, to be able to navigate using our individual true north compass that lives within us...is subjective. There is no one way or one answer for all of humanity and I think that’s a good thing. People can guide us, motivate us, inspire us and point us in the right direction but if it’s not the direction that is meant to be ours, if it doesn’t resonate, we may go temporarily but we won’t stay there very long. In the incredible book: Power vs Force, David R Hawkins writes: “With humility comes the willingness to stop trying to control or change other people or life situations or events ostensibly ‘for their own good’. To be a committed spiritual seeker, it is necessary to relinquish the desire to be ‘right’ or of imaginary value to society. In fact, nobody’s ego or belief systems are of any value to society at all. The

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Hungry Humans This New Years, I invite you to drop the same ole New Years Resolution and instead go deeper and ask yourself:

Inspirational Quotes & Tips To Start the Year 2017 Off Right!

LOVE AFFAIR WITH THYSELF: a feeling of great interest, enthusiasm, fondness and devotion to being the highest version of yourself. Created as an on-going, ever evolving process of exploring, experimentation and discovering yourself through deep layers of self-love. Fulfillment derived from within, which will then beam outward into the world.

Join the Love Affair with Thy Self Movement today and discover what you’re truly hungry for!

What am I Really Hungry For? Do you want to be a size 2 or do you hunger for the ability to move your body so freely and not care about what anyone says because you love yourself so much?

Respond to ever y call that excites your spirit ~Rumi

“A woman cannot make the culture more aware by saying ‘Change.’ But she can change her own attitude toward herself, thereby causing devaluing projections to glance off. She does this by taking back her body. By not forsaking the joy of her natural body, by not purchasing the popular illusion that happiness is only bestowed on those of a certain configuration or age, by not waiting or holding back to do anything, and by taking back her real life, and living it full bore, all stops out. This dynamic self-acceptance and self-esteem are what begins to change attitudes in the culture.” ~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Do you want a relationship because you need someone to feel complete or do you hunger to be connected to someone so deeply that you have a place to experience the swirling of expansion, love, care and shared desires? Do you want money to look good, or do you hunger for the freedom to move through life carefree? Do you want to be famous or do you hunger to contribute and add beauty to the world? What are you really hungry for? You can only know what you're hungry for when you fill yourself with love...

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The beautiful majestic MIND! Often, our problems start here. Our brains are beyond powerful. Control centers for just about every system inside every system. Is it possible to re-train your brain? YOU BET IT IS!!!!!! Our brain, spinal cord and peripheral nerves make up a complex system. I nformation-Processing-Control system. AKA your central nervous system. Our brain essentially runs the show.

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Oh, I Dare! Love Affair with Thyself: The Movement By: Christina Marie

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At some point I came to understand the only were and still are things like… wobbly bits that I’d problem I truly had was that I was not lov- love to improve on yet… when you wake up every ing myself at my absolute full potential. day with intention and rub every part of your own body, you begin to fall in love with that body and I recognized my empathy existed in places it didn’t that includes your wobbly bits. As it is. Now, in evbelong. I became aware my loyalty to others was ery moment. Not tomorrow, not after 6 weeks or bigger than my loyalty to my own soul. As this 6 months, or when something goes away… but as began to sink in…I became cognizant of how my you are. way of being was not only not serving me, I wasn’t serving the people that I loved the most either. Isn’t My body is this incredibly warm juicy amazing that fascinating? place full of love and adventure. No one else has to like it- but I absolutely love it-so in this moment “Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion - with this man (who did not like my body type but towards ourselves and towards all living beings”. wanted to be inside of my body anyway)-There was Thich Nhat Hanh nothing in me that would allow that to happen. I had zero interest in anyone touching me that didn’t The Love Affair with Thy Self Movement began love me as I am-now. In that exact moment a tear in July of 2015. Approximately five months after I left my eye. Not because I was sad but because I spoke the words “I think it’s time to get a divorce.” was so happy that I was now operating at a level of It took me one year and six months to say those such pure love for myself and in doing so… there words. Now, almost twenty- one months later… was an instinctual “no.” here I am having the most exquisite love affair I’ve ever had the pleasure to be in. My Love Affair with There are men who see your light and are sexually Thy Self. attracted to your essence- as you are and those are the men that heal you and help clean your grid. I Some people didn’t appreciate my loyalty to myself allow those men into my space daily. There are a or my inability to put their needs above my own lot of these men. Men who are turned on by the joy soul’s longing. For them, there was no “Bravo,” or within a woman’s soul radiating out. I call these “Good for YOU!” or “Right On!” For them my love “The Smarter Men.” I call them this because they affair with myself meant they no longer liked who I are alive, pulsating, playful, can feel joy at the level was as a person and who I was as a person to them it exists without too many blocks. …was a very selfish woman. I understand now because through putting all that love back into my- Then there are men who see your size and they are self, in my every day love affair with thy self I can not attracted to your body type and that too is perfeel how warm it is to be loved to unconditionally fectly okay. It wasn’t just the “No, you are not alby someone like me. lowed to touch me.” My Love Affair with Thy Self was operating so fully that it was also completely One of the most interesting indications that my okay for this man to not be sexually attracted to Love Affair with Thy Self was truly working was my body. In my mind we were in a total win/win after my divorce and in a moment with a man who moment here. You are not allowed to touch my didn’t like my body type- but still wanted to be in- body and you are free to go find someone whose side of my body. At this time, I had been out of body type lights up your grid. Total freedom being my marriage and in my Love Affair with Thy Self served to both of us. To me, that’s some good medmorning, noon and night for 8 months before this icine there. Besides, I had an entire island to play happened. Every morning I woke up, heated up my with. There have been no shortages in my life. oil and rubbed every inch of my own body. There EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

I share this because it wasn’t too much further down the road… where I was on the phone coaching a man on this similar theme. He was very clear he wanted to move though life giving the gift of his sex to many women. The ultimate bachelor. In my listening, I could hear he really did have the desire to make women feel good. He used tinder to go on his hunts for the perfect woman to play with. He wanted no strings attached but he also wanted to do that without hurting women in any way, shape or form. Now before I share what I am about to share…I do feel very strongly that we all have to grow up a little bit here and recognize humans like to have sex. He was a single man trying to find his rhythm. He was making all kinds of mistakes but he was only making all kinds of mistakes because: he still carried layers of shame and guilt for his desires and for his own nature, for being who he was and for wanting what he wanted. In one situation he told me he met a woman on tinder, when he met her in person, he was not attracted to her but he slept with her anyway. There was something about doing so that made him feel “crappy” about himself. He was having a hard time being in his own skin.

inside-the messages he was carrying about sex and giving to women. Not just for his own freedom but also so that he was no longer damaging women’s psyches. He needed to be intimately connected to his yes and no. This man was already articulate, kind and caring enough to find ways to articulate to any woman who he was. He is the type of human whose sexual desire could and would feel good to the women who are his match because the truth is: there are plenty of women out there -who are the same- in their desires. They want what he wants. He began to go inward and release all of the messages sent to him as a man his entire life. He began to trust his desire and himself. Through doing so, he began to attract the right kind of women who could hear him when he said “I am not looking for a relationship. I just want to give women pleasure, this is who I am. His Love Affair with Thy Self was now leading. When he owned all of himself- as he truly was without fear or apology - his sex life began to blaze in ways and with women who were just like him. He was on fire!

I asked him why he would put them both through that. Particularly the woman. He said because he gave his word and made all of these promises prior to meeting her and he was in a catch 22 -to be his word when he didn’t want to. My first order of business was to call him a knuckle head. (We had that kind of rapport that I could say this to him-laughing at one’s self is a quality many men have, something we women can learn from)

It was smooth sailing for him and for these women. Inside of this ownership combined with new experiences that fulfilled him (and the women who had the pleasure to experience him) he met a feisty red head who blew his world apart. She was a game changer. When that happened -I heard from him maybe two more times and only to share with me how incredibly grateful he was to me for helping him find, own and honor all of himself.

The second order of business was to share with him… what he did to that poor woman who was clearly not having a Love Affair with Thy Self- by giving her such a shitty offer and how that could have been handled differently. He needed to learn to honor his own desires so fully that these things did not happen. He needed to dig deep and eradicate the shame and guilt spots

But all I really did was use my own Love Affair with Thy Self and my own fullness to hold him in such a way that I offered him the space to not fear, shame or hide his own true desires. To use his own desires, his own nature to be his guide. Yes, this did include him going back to that woman he tried to give to- even though he did not want to. What was done was already done- but the second

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best thing he could do to free himself and her- was to show up authentically and release her from carrying this into her future- Who we are and are not attracted to needs to be okay and we need to honor ourselves in this way. If only someone had told or taught her to have a Love Affair with Thy Self.

have our unique stories and experiences that have brought us to the place we are now. When we take the time, go into inquiry and investigation to discover what fills us up body, mind and spirit-and we commit ourselves to what fills us up day-after-day either through daily ritual, or even a simplistic daily routine; holding onto those Human Sexuality: The messages we have been things, giving those things the exact levels of loytaught and all of the ways we move. This woman alty we give to everyone else in our lives...life bewho allowed this man who was not attracted to her gins to reorganize in reverent time. and did not want her into her own body-it upsets me greatly to think she didn’t have enough love to As it relates to both humanity and human sexualsay no, you may not enter my body and walk away. ity - we can easily see all of the places that aren’t I can’t even imagine what that experience has left working. her believing about her self and it does upset me The way our culture shames just about anyone and that it is possible that she’s walking around not everyone for wanting to be fully alive and fulfilled. knowing she has the power to make herself feel so That exists at a level that is painful - if you have good - she won’t care who is or who isn’t attracted somehow managed to remain attached to your to her. I want her to know… attraction is subjec- own heart. In my own life I have had more people tive and there are plenty of humans who would see come down on me for loving myself fully than I her and be lit up from the inside out if she just ever did when I was “slightly sad.” There was a lot began to lit herself up first and foremost. Because of “Who does she think she is,” followed up with if she did that…all of what she ever wanted would “How dare YOU live with joy and Ecstasy running come to her in reverent time and she would be so through your life when there are all of these peodamn busy enjoying being who she is… every- ple suffering in the world. thing would feel like a gift or a surprise. There are many things I have learned and discov- I say: “Oh..I dare and I invite you to dare too…” ered from my own Love Affair with Thy Self and how it has also had additive power to help others gain access to owning all of who they truly are so fully that their lives begin to fulfill them from the inside out too. “Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge”. ~Plato The Love Affair with Thy Self journey is different and looks different for everyone because we all

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others deeply, care for the planet and want to make a positive difference, you are a beautiful and amazing person! And I would like to ask you some personal questions:

• There are many ways to help us Be Present

Are you sometimes hard on yourself? Doubt yourself? Judge and criticize yourself? Have you spent a lot of time listening to voices in your head rather than always following your intuition?

Tapping Into Our Own Humanity by Deb King

More than ever, it’s time for humans to tap into our hearts and our humanity. With all sorts of madness happening in our world, it is easy to focus on fear and powerlessness. Every day, the ’news’ will report on the full spectrum of disaster stories which continue to fuel oppression and violence. At the same time, technology is rapidly overtaking human skills and the most beautiful thing we humans have, is our love and humanity! The number one way to make a positive impact on this planet and contribute to humanity is to LOVE OURSELVES MORE!!! Can you imagine what will happen with more of us living from our hearts, feeling joy, love, light and happiness on a regular basis? Imagine a world where we see kindness, goodness and understanding everywhere? How much do we really care about humanity? My inquiry stems from how very often we want a new result in our own lives but we don’t want to put in the work to get it. A great example is when someone says they want to lose weight but they overeat and don’t exercise, they want the result without doing anything. 12

If we want to live in a loving, compassionate, kind, generous world, we can accept the invitation to think the thoughts and take the action aligned with being more loving, kind and compassionate to ourselves first!

If you said yes to any of these questions… I want to invite you into an opportunity by sharing some things we can all practice to to love ourselves more.

Practice 1: Acceptance • Accepting Ourselves! Wherever we are, it is perfect! • We live in a loving and supportive universe; everything is happening FOR us. Even when it feels like crap and it hasn’t gone the way our mind thinks it should go, it is perfect and blessings are there to be found.

Every individual has the choice of what they will focus on and how they will show up.

• Release the past, let go of wanting to change the past or judge any of it, accept ‘it is what it is’

When I think about what inspires me about humanity, it’s when I witness humans loving and supporting other humans no matter who they are or what they have done… letting go of obligations and expectations and loving no matter what.

• Reminding ourselves we have done the best we can with what we knew and everything has helped us be who we are, and where we are right now. Be kind and loving to ourselves the way we would be towards our child/ best friend/ someone we love if they were in our position.

I ask myself these questions Am I ready to love in this way? Am I willing to let go of my rules and conditions and love unconditionally? My answer is a yes. What would your answer be? I’ve noticed, by loving myself more, I am radiating positive energy and higher vibrations that create a ripple effect and po sitive impact on others, plus my personal experience is far more joyful and fulfilling than the alternative. If you are reading this, my guess is you love

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tap into the subtle messages the universe is sending us through both the inner knowing and the external signs being shown to us in every moment.

Key Action: Let Go of Judgment

Practice 2: Awareness and Presence • This ongoing practice of being present and self aware is the key to witnessing more magic and joy than you can imagine! • Being present right now, we can observe our thoughts and feelings and empower ourselves to grow in the direction our heart wishes. When we stop, get quiet and still, we can

• Using our breath is a great way to bring ourselves into the present moment. Simply noticing our breathing naturally, or playing with it and take longer, deeper breaths. We can also do ‘Heart Breathing’: imagine breathing in and out through our hearts. When we do this for a few breaths and very quickly we shift into feelings of peace, love and a sense of calm. If we don’t feel anything, it’s ok, we can simply be kind to ourselves and keep practicing. Key Action: Breathe and Observe

Practice 3: Taking Responsibility for our individual Triggers • Our triggers are blessings to show us how to love ourselves more. • Everything happening externally reflects you; ‘the world is your mirror’. Nothing can show up in our field unless we are holding a fraction of the related energy vibration. • This means that what we are seeing in other people and external events is a clue or even a ‘teacher’ for how we can love ourselves more! Whatever ‘pokes’ us in an uncomfortable way, is where the gold is! We may have some ‘work‘ to do to be free from our trigger, or we may simply need to bring awareness to it to gain the lesson, transcend it and feel free. • The more we practice awareness and presence (practice 2), we will be able to observe what is triggering us in the ‘other’ person or event. Once we identify the trigger we can use it to look within and bring more love to the part of ourselves that needs it.

How to Examples Example One: your friend is not giving you enough appreciation

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Step A: Turn this back around to you… where are you not giving yourself enough appreciation? Step B: Focus on giving yourself more appreciation and watch what happens. You are likely to feel you do not need it from others anymore (and at the same time you are likely to start getting more appreciation from others as well, like magic!) Example Two: you are seeing violence/ anger/ abuse in world events. Step A: Turn this back around to you… where are you being violent/ angry/ abusive to yourself? Step B: Choose an action to love yourself more! Perhaps you could stop judging or saying abusive things to yourself, or stop avoiding the actions that will nurture you properly. Start with baby steps and you will make a difference. Find a way to be grateful for what you are seeing externally by embracing the opportunity to love yourself deeper! Key Action: Turn your biggest trigger into love

• Allow yourself to be supported and uplifted - when we connect with other humans and surround ourselves with a community of people who we resonate with, or even when we start with just one friend, we can engage with these self love aka ‘humanity love’ practices above and enjoy a richer more fulfilling life. • By allowing someone to help us, space opens for greater vulnerability and connection. • To fast track yourself, hire the Life Coach, Healing Practitioner, Spiritual Teacher (or at least engage in the supportive online resources) that feel right for you on your journey right now. Key Action: Seek Help What is the Key Action you will take to tap deeper into your own humanity? Please feel free to share other ideas you have. And most importantly, remember to keep on loving!

Practice 4: Forgiveness • Forgive yourself and others for everything! • The more present we are to our thoughts and feelings, we are likely to have ‘stuff’ come up to forgive and let go. • One simple yet powerful forgiveness technique is the Hawaiian ‘Ho’oponopono’ where we bring attention to what needs to be healed and we say the following words (repeat them until we feel true forgiveness): “I’m sorry Please forgive me I love you Thank you” Key Action: Forgive Yourself

Embracing

the

sensual

side of your Self in fitness. By: Annette Padilla

Practice 5: Receive Support • The universe is always supporting us, plus it’s useful, fun and I dare say essential to surround ourselves with people who support us! 14

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Nobody can deny that fitness is sexy. As a human race, we are driven by anything that stimulates our minds into beauty, security, power and fame and we want more and more of it....and we want it now. And therein lies the slow, squeezing, binding and clamping trap of perfectionism that can be as poisonous to one’s Self as shoving an entire pack of red box Marlboros in one’s mouth, smoking them all at once and chasing it with a handle of Johnnie Walker Red, in one sitting. Countless advertising campaigns revolve around human sexuality being one of the top-coveted benefits of fitness.

teed, ahead-of-the-game six feet tall status, you better at least look like the gun-show (flex the biceps here), who can open a can of whoop ass on somebody, and then the chicks will dig you. The seductive curve of a woman’s well-trained backside screams the primal call of “good breeding,” the strong, wide set of shoulders on the well-built alpha male employ an automatic lust of implied and assured safety and security while in their presence. Everybody hops in the sack and the cycle repeats and often times, much to the running-on-a-hamster-wheel-and-getting-absolutely-nowhere emptiness for good measure. Ahh, the big, bad, dark, villainous sex-driven “beautiful” side After giving birth, some mommies start doing sit of fitness. ups in the hospital bed, even just after a C-section, (I know this by personal experience with clients), as But what if we chose a different vantage point? their under-five-year-old-children are visiting and observing. Why? To get their pre-baby weight back as It’s the New Year and you got harangued into a gym soon as possible and please rush it because somehow membership. You walk into your local gym, feeling societal standards have dictated that a female should beyond awkward wearing your oversized shirt, your be back to size, (and even smaller than before), to be 20-year-old worn out tennis shoes and all you can publicly accepted again as, “I am hot mommy, hear think about are your wrinkled knees. You’re smart me roar as I take on my fourth child, hold down a job so you did some research and decided that if you’re and handle a household.” going to do anything it’s going to be that dance class. Nothing too strenuous on your first day. You know Since time immemorial, men have been driven by that thing they call Zumba. comparison to each other’s max rep chest press and the size of the engine block in their muscle car. If In you go and sensory overload takes over. Colorful their physical status doesn’t begin with the guaran- clothing. People showing skin. Speaking Spanish. 16

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Bare midriffs. Fluorescent headbands. Belly dancing wraps? Disco ball. And, the friend who harangued you into the membership, the one who swore up and down they’d be your workout buddy for life, didn’t show. PERFECT. And the class starts. You’re apparently doing basic moves on the floor and before you know it, you’re dancing! Step, pivot, shimmy and shake and you’re getting it! The next song comes on and holy cow, the emotions take over and you cannot help it, you’re following the instructor of course, but now your confidence is soaring and who knew it? Your first class and you’re hooked! Your smile turns into a giggle, your giggle turns into a laugh, your laugh turns into a “whoop-whoop” and you become a front row Zumba junkie! Time passes and you’ve gotten stronger physically and emotionally and best of all, mentally. Now you’re wearing new and colorful fitness clothes. You’re inviting friends. Oh, the new shoes are pink! You are loving everything about your fitness journey and your instructors, with smiles that could break even your face and the sweaty side hugs included, have welcomed you to the “dark side.”

foundation on day one even when your socks didn’t match. You nurtured and tended to your commitment even though sometimes you just didn’t want to. You disciplined your Self through the tough times. You dared to get a membership to an online fitness wear website. You got the coolest leggings and top ever! Midriff-bearing at that! And then you had the balls to wear them like you were going to hit the red carpet. Your spirit soars. Your energy spreads throughout your class and everyone is almost entranced by the community, the camaraderie and the sheer fun of being together. In each individuals’ power. Fitness is sensual. It will awaken your soul. It will light a fire within you. And if you let it, you will be reminded of who you really are, an enlightened, joyous, fun-filled being. And then maybe you will get your very own belly dancing wrap for Zumba. ;)

The truth is, you have found and embraced the sensual side of your Self in fitness. You’re standing taller, walking with a new energy that can’t ever be taken away from you because, you built it. You set the EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

Love Defies the Odds: The Story of Nicole & Lori

I met Nicole and Lori Bray in 2014 when Nicole was in the process of transitioning from male to female. Their story touched my heart for so many reasons, but particularly, since they defied the statistical odds and are exceptionally devoted to each other through this arduous process. It is one not taken lightly, since it involves far more than the medical mechanics of surgery and hormonal intervention. It is a complete physio-psycho-spiritual-sexual re-working. Change from the inside out as well as the outside in. We met, as is the case of many in my life, via Facebook. Although the couple live in Michigan, Nicole’s surgeon is based in the Philadelphia area, so that when she came for one of many interim consults with her doctor, we had the opportunity to get to know one another. I had already interviewed her for The Good Men Project and the article entitled “I’d Rather Be Girl,” which is also the name of a documentary she is creating, opened the door to a deeper understanding of what it takes to make that transition from gender assigned at birth, to that which feels genuine to the person. Their raw vulnerability in sharing their story is evident. The decision to transition has involved deep soul searching, financial outlay, travel, time off of work for both of them, intense physical pain for Nicole (due to various surger18

ies), as well as a roller coaster ride of emotions for them as individuals and as a couple. For most of her life, Nicole (named Mike back then), knew that something was amiss; as if she was mis-cast in a play. Although she attempted to engage in activities that were stereotypically male, to meet the expected gender norm, still she always felt more at home with relating to the world and the people in her life as a person with a female identity. It was a secret she was desperate to keep, even from those closest to her, including her family and her wife. This she did at her own peril, since deep depression and suicidal ideation permeated her existence and contributed to marital discord. Nicole shares her coming out story, “I began meeting with a therapist who specialized in Transgender care in April of 2012. I was ready to initiate counseling. I chose to see the therapist who was regarded as the “Transgender Guru”, since it seemed she would be the one with the most knowledge and experience.” The therapist cautioned her about letting Lori know that she was Transgender, since, in her experience, less than 20% of couples remain united throughout the transition process. According to Nicole, her therapist was preparing her to face life outside the marriage. Disheartening, at best, but blessedly,

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a miscalculation. What kept that from occurring, was the solid nature of their relationship prior to the revelation. At that point, they had been married as husband and wife for five years and at this writing, recently celebrated their nine year anniversary. Today they are wife and wife. Nicole had planned to tell Lori in September of 2012, after a vacation at Disney World for their fifth anniversary. What kept her from waiting that long, was Lori’s ‘Spidey Sense’ as a therapist who knew something was impacting Nicole’s moods and behavior. She continues, “On July 29, 2012, I was having a particularly dysphoric day and I provided Lori with an irritable, short response to a simple question she asked.

would change for us. Even though I knew that my wife was a psychologist who specialized in working with the LGBT population, I was still uncertain how she would react to the news of knowing that her own spouse was Transgender.” Despite the fact that Lori sat in her professional office with clients who might be facing the same decision, Nicole knew clearly that when it is your own situation, the dynamics are totally different.

As a result, she notified me that we needed to discuss what was really going on because my moods and behaviors were starting to affect the marriage. I spent the next three hours dropping hints about what the actual issue was while I mentally debated whether I was ready to tell her or not.

At the time, my gender dysphoria was so severe, I despised the condition and myself. Furthermore, I called it “Gender Identity Disorder” because this is what it was called at the time before it was appropriately renamed “Gender Dysphoria” via the American Psychiatric Association through the use of the DSM-5.”

Nicole goes on, “Finally, at the three-hour mark, I stated, “I have a medical condition recognized by the APA and AMA and it’s a problem I was born with. It’s called Gender Identity Disorder. All my life I have felt like I am a woman. I think like a girl, I feel like a girl, yet I am a guy. I hate it.”

The moment I told her, I knew everything would change. I just wasn’t sure in what direction things Amazingly, Lori responded with “I will stay EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

all of these surgeries and procedures. They are each other’s greatest support systems as they lean on one another for strength. They know their love will continue to grow and flourish whether they’re coping with stress from surgery or resuming their normal routines due to their ongoing openness, trust, and genuine love and acceptance for each another. They relate that most family members and friends have embraced the changes. When asked how she chose her name, she responded that when she was young, she had asked her mother, had she been born female, what her parents would have named her. At the time, her mother had no idea why this question was being asked, but told her that her name would have been “Nicole”. And so, Nicole she became.

with you and we will work our way through this together.” I was beyond shocked and could only utter back, “Will you?” She replied, “Yes, of course. I’m not going to leave you over something like this.” For the next five hours, Nicole and Lori outlined a transition plan including the social, legal, and physical aspects of transition. This entailed a coming out process to friends, family, and work; legal name change and gender marker change; and multiple surgeries including Facial Feminization Surgery, Gender Confirmation Surgery, and Vocal Feminization Surgery. Nicole was able to complete her entire transition process from male to female in two years with her wife, Lori, standing in support by her side. Nicole is happy to report that she is now living her life as her genuine, authentic self, due to her complete transition from male to female. It is important to note that their marriage continues to thrive despite the stress associated with 20

Nicole and Lori now celebrate two birthdays for Nicole. One is celebrated on the day of her birth and the other is celebrated on the anniversary of the day Nicole had her Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS). Nicole feels as if the day she had her GCS is when she was reborn. She joked with Lori one day that she should have two birthdays every year. She had no idea Lori would take her joke seriously and make her a cake, take her out to dinner, and buy her a gift for her second birthday! The Timeline Nearly a year passed from the time the decision was made to pursue surgery to the actual procedure which meant two things; they had that period to prepare and it likely felt like an endless wait. Nicole’s surgeon is top-notch and in demand. Initial Phone Call to Schedule Consultation for GCS: May 6, 2013 Initial Consultation for GCS: March 3, 2014

Know that this is not a decision taken lightly, since along with it, seismic changes take place in every aspect of the person’s life and by extension, that in the life of a partner. Since the initial surgery that allowed Nicole the freedom to embrace her female identity, she and Lori have traveled to the Philadelphia area to consult with her surgeon and have additional procedures, since she is one of only a few who have experienced chronic pain and complications. Even in the face of that experience, Nicole would not have made the choice to remain male. She has said on several occasions, “I wouldn’t be here,” if that was the case. As can be imagined, it puts strain on their marriage, since Lori feels at a loss to ease Nicole’s pain and much of their daily lives are focused on the transition and aftermath. Because of the depth of the love they share and the healing power of humor, they are able to ride the waves that could capsize other love-ships and run it aground. One of the most enjoyable aspects of her new identity, as they have related, is going shopping together. Keep in mind, that for a person who was assigned female at birth, her wardrobe, including shirts, pants, dresses, skirts, lingerie, shoes, coats, makeup and jewelry is accumulated over time. For Nicole, that period was condensed dramatically. In a recent conversation with them, another issue arose that bears attention. They had returned to the area for another surgical procedure in an attempt to alleviate the aforementioned pain. I had inquired again about their visibility as wife and wife, since their neighbors were not informed about the status change of

their obviously male neighbor “Mike”. Initially, the couple had told them that “Mike” was on an extended business trip and Nicole was his sister who was staying with Lori. The couple wants to emphasize that they do not condone lying, but are very much aware that they live in a conservative community. As a result, safety became their first priority over complete openness. Although they are ‘out’ in some circles of their lives, having attended Pride events in their area and were covered in a local newspaper in their community, they still maintain a sense of cautious awareness about being completely visible. What most heterosexual couples take for granted; the freedom of PDA (Public Displays of Affection); Lori and Nicole feel as if they don’t have that luxury. When they are out on dates; which they make sure to do, to keep their relationship humming, they don’t feel at ease holding hands while walking down the street or kissing at a movie theater. For them, and for many LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bi-Sexual Transgender Queer) individuals, this is a safety issue that needs to change in order for full equality to exist, despite the fact that same sex marriage is legal in all 50 states. Another aspect of the transition is the ways in which it impacts on the partner. Since Lori is in a dual role, as both wife and therapist, she has a great deal to say about the path she and others have followed to be of support to those in transition and have their needs met as well. Together, these two amazing women are shining examples of the ways in which love defies all odds and allows them to be a greater force for good in the world.

Gender Confirmation Surgery: August 19, 2014 A full description of the technical aspects of the process is available in an article published on Psych Central called Transgender Issues: A Guide For Therapists Working With Clients in Transition.

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“YOU WORRY ME!” By: Rodye Eric Butler I think this is what Whites have to say about Blacks (and other people of color), “You worry me.” “I wish you didn’t.” I’ve been trying to say this about racism for quite some time. I think that many Whites want to walk down the streets of this country that we all love, and not feel worried about the color of a person’s skin - but many are. Black people have been portrayed as violent and gotten a lot of bad press and although we have a Black president, and many successful citizens who contribute to the world, there is very little coverage of this excellence. And it doesn’t help with some of the music that rappers make, Blacks attacking and killing each other, high incarceration, joblessness all economically and environmentally created. I hear Whites saying, “I don’t want to be worried. But I need your help.” Any rational White American, trying to protect his or her family in an irrational and unsafe world, must know how to tell the difference between their primary fear, “I know Black people hate us.” and the fact – there’s an economic divide. They 22

need to learn how to differentiate between civil Black Americans and the violent ones in our communities whom they fear are plotting their revenge on Whites. Many Whites probably feel, “If what we did to Blacks in America, had been done to Whites in Africa - we would never forgive nor forget.” So, every time we Black Americans bring our Black history up, it frightens them. It’s not my responsibility to determine how a White person embraces our great country, with ALL of its history, ALL of its different citizens, and ALL of its past faults, but we need to. We need to help White people know; we are not harboring hate, animosity and revenge toward them. Whites have a financial opportunity advantage; but like white privilege, American Privilege, male privilege and more, it’s outside of one’s awareness until it’s pointed out. Everyone struggles and so our personal struggle is omnipotent to ourselves; this builds a blind spot to privilege and suffering. Like the story of Job in the Bible, if you see too

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much good in your life, you forget what it’s like to struggle. Thus, some young White males struggle for that new Bugatti Veyron. We must respect our Black Culture and our American Culture. We must pray, “God bless everyone”, while we demand economic justice for everyone. It’s not just Blacks anymore. Justice never has been real. I see the same stigma towards poor people as there is toward Blacks. Individuals in power saying, “I see this parade of shabby, scary, unpredictable, erratic people spreading out in our neighborhood. Consider that Steve Jobs was homeless picking up bottles before he became wealthy. Shouldn’t you work for yours also? Are you thankful for the economic freedom that only this nation affords? The freedom that was paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of patriots, Black and White, who gave their lives for this country. We need to let go of any hate. Stomping the American Flag rather than proudly hanging the American Flag it in front of your house, or on your car frightens White people first and then they get angry. As an African American in this nation, what I want the media to know is this: African Americans want -what you want - actions to protect the economic and social development of every community in the United States of America. We have screamed, “Let me earn a decent wage. Let me into the right schools.” That’s the way. No more talk about ‘slavery’ ‘racial divide’ ‘spiritual unrest” I want to see Black and White Americans waving the AMERICAN flag in the streets. I want to hear us chanting, “God bless America.” and more, “God-Allah-Buddha-Universe, in the name of Ethics, bless our global community”.

ognize and embody that we are all one. Standing up for world peace, love and happiness is what I hope to all those who will listen. We are all brothers and sisters, so it’s not only about the racial divide; it’s about humanity. From Hawaii to Indiana and around the world, I want to see people living free and with the necessities of life. That’s why I’ve returned to Indiana to start the discussion of racial division. And if some African Americans are harboring hatred, let it go. The Biblical Black Africans in Egypt enslaved the white, light skinned, tanned Israelites long ago. Revenge is like holding hot burning coals to throw at someone. You get burned first. Jesus, Mohammed and all great people teach forgiveness. Be great.

I, myself bailed out of my home town in Indiana. I was in search of a better life. I stayed in Hawaii so I could raise my family in a safe multi-racial environment. I’m returning to share what I’ve learned about the truth of being one. We are one. We will only begin to see world peace when we recEXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

Why I Am Waiting for Marriage By: Indya Minnis

Rain fell in torrents from the sky. Lightning flashed through the curtain. Thunder rolled amongst the clouds. And there I was wallowing in crocodile tears from the most disappointing relationship of my life. It wasn’t enough for me to be single, I had to be technically unemployed with no car and no place to call my home in the wake of a break up.

lowed another human being so much influence over my life. I mean, yes he was tall, and dark…but not so handsome. He was intelligent. A leader. Go getter. Everything that a girl learns to look for in a guy. Well, with the exception of the not so handsome comment. Fixed in bewilderment, it was hard to accept that I had become so heavily influenced by a fictitious idea of love. With no answers to the questions that might It was then that I began to pray the prayer that would remain a mystery, it was then that the tears stopped change my life forever. flowing. The arrows became painless points of healing. And the realization that Jesus is indeed my heart Pushing past the pain, I managed to sniffle a pathetic mender became truth for me. The events that folplea... lowed that whole break-up meltdown brought me to the life worth living. In that moment, the decision “Jesus, be my heart-mender.” was made to wait.

that represented who I was and asking God to create a mosaic masterpiece with what was left of me. Getting to know Him less than a week later, I chose not to date anyone until I got fixed. Did not have sex with anyone. Nor did I behave in the manner of a single woman patiently awaiting a coveted husband.

not the first time I picked up a Bible. However, these occurrences were the first time that the scriptures increased the value of life that I had never known. The Bible verses became the foundation of this new life. Instances occurred when the same words I read became applicable in my daily routine.

Many months of reconciliation for every emotion that lead to detrimental decisions pays off daily. The confidence in knowing that my worth is too valuable to allow just any one in my space is undoubtedly self gratifying. Instead, Jesus dominates the world that has become familiar to me and I have no logical explanation to assume that an individual could become my husband.

The heartache was so severe, it felt like 10,000 arrows penetrating me. As the night went on- it felt like those arrows were being yanked out of my heart one by one. Although the hurt was wearing off - the actual pain behind those torrential tears, was as intense as the rain, that needed more time to heal. A night long crying session turned into repetitious prayer. The only words I could gather in the midst of a heart break were

Once I admitted, I knew nothing about love and life was nothing without love, the idea of surrendering my heart to Jesus came with ease. From then forward, strange occurrences began to take place in the wee hours of the night. They started with Bible verses that I never heard of before like Deuteronomy 6:4 which reads, “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God is one Lord:”. Puzzled by the underlying philosophy, I began to seek answers to what these occurrences meant. After about a week, I knew the Sh’ma and a month later, The Decalogue was in the front of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, my mother made sure that my sisters and I attended church regularly so this was

One Saturday morning, a friend invited me a church called Emmanuel Apostolic Church of Miramar. A short time after, I got baptized by water and baptized in the Spirit. Life became a new thing. I did not recognize myself - neither did friends and family. I stopped wearing makeup, hair extensions, stopped processing my hair with harmful chemicals. Everything that contradicted the authenticity of who I had become was no longer a part of me.

There’s a popular phrase that says, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” Well, my heart had been broken countless times. Instead of acknowledging the damage, life went on as a routine until I began enough courage to admit-my heart was broken and needed to be fixed. There was a void called “Worth.” I had neglected to pay attention to it for the majority of my love life. All in all, failed relationships, a failed marriage, and a failed attempt to try to fix a mess on my own was the most epic fail of all. The realization that I “Jesus, be my heart-mender.”. was broken beyond repair truly resonated with my soul. At that moment I knew that I would never be The pillow I was using as a sound barrier became the same. I made a choice to accept the challenge drenched with tears. It was hard to believe that I al- of becoming a new person by taking the brokenness 24

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Changes began to take place for the better. I got a job, Uber started operating in my city which provided access to affordable transportation. I found an apartment and even went to church regularly. Ex-boyfriends contacted me on a regular basis. Ignoring their calls became normalcy. Some would get clever and call from different numbers, others would call from private numbers, and a select few would send messages via social media asking rhetorical questions such as, “When can I see you again?”

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The commute to and from work also put me in predicaments where men would approach me in more than friendly ways. The Bible verses came in handy when they asked how they could get to know me better. Those conversations lasted a total of 1.5 minutes, if that. The more I learned from the Bible, the Torah, and other ancient philosophies, the more rapidly changes were taking place. I began to see my dreams come true all around me. After about three months I came to the realization that I don’t need a man in my life because Jesus is everything I could have ever hoped for! Well, the bliss of that idea was short lived as one day, I had a dream of me in a beautifully embellished gold wedding gown and in the distance was a man in a royal blue velvet jacket. I thought to myself, “This couldn’t be! I’m happy with life the way it is!” Then more dreams occurred showing me my heart’s desire for a certain lifestyle. Within that same week people started asking me questions like; “Are you getting married?”, and adding, “I think you’re getting married.”. After challenging the dreams, I realized that God wants us all to live happy lives surrounded by love and truth. We are not created to be alone but, to add to one another with love, resources, talents, and words of encouragement. We are all here for a purpose that is greater than anything we can imagine. The lives we affect in any way is so that God can use the experiences for good. I had to admit, being stubborn about dating resulted from non-forgiveness. In order to move forward into the freedom that God was showing me in those dreams, I had to learn how to forgive. Deep down inside, I was harboring feelings from childhood to adulthood that were blocking me from living a life of true love. The process started with forgiving my parents (this was my rendition of blaming someone). I had this idea that they could have done more as the grown-ups. I thought that they could’ve paid better attention when was I was crying out for help in my adolescence. Instead, I had to forgive myself for not being compassionate to their situations then I was able to forgive them for not living up to my lofty expectations that were never communicated effectively. They did their best as parents by raising my siblings and I with morals and values. My parents loved us the best way they knew how. Especially my mother who made sacrifices to give us the best education, social interactions, and access to wealth that she could resource. After a little self-reflection, there I was needing to forgive myself again for being ungrateful.

Self- forgiveness was the solution to the problem that I had been ignoring for years, self-love. Self-love was a process that started on the inside. Detrimental thoughts, negative feelings, and ideas of lack were challenging. Overall, the right people were sent across my path to help change the way I subconsciously thought about life. Phenomenal women of influence encouraged me to love myself unconditionally without compromising the relationship that was established with God. My focus shifted from pleasing others to pleasing God alone. There were places that I couldn’t go to anymore because it didn’t reflect my change of scenery. Then there were people that were no longer included in my circle of communication because we didn’t speak the same language. Now that I have learned to love God, love myself, and love others- life is so much more rewarding. In the past year, I have received four marriage proposals and declined them all because I know those gentlemen were not chosen by God Almighty. The one that God has chosen for me is waiting to find me. And while he waits there is a pruning process going on for the both of us. We are learning what love is all about as described in the first book of Corinthians. We are taking life lessons on: compassion, gentleness, and honesty. We are learning the roles of Godly spouses and implementing the changes into our characters. The one that God has chosen for me is a direct reflection of Christ. He is loving, forgiving, wise, patient, and powerful. I will know when I meet him and he will know when he sees me. Jesus is my heart-mender and it will never be broken again. There is confidence in knowing that I am not waiting in vain.

The understanding of who I am in Christ has brought me to the decision to wait. I will wait for the one who understands the turbulent trials of life that I had to overcome in order to embrace the power that invokes such greatness. There will be the one who can empathize with compassion. The one who comprehends love beyond the five senses. And ultimately, there will be the one who has also gone through the transformation to know Jesus Christ and walk with him exclusively.

proudly admit that I do not ascertain the wisdom to choose the one who will join me in fulfilling our absolute purpose. I mean seriously, I didn’t know who I was until the age of 27! After facing at least three near death experiences, it is my reasonable service to live each day equiponderantly. It is rewarding to understand that there is beauty in knowing that Christ chose us, takes responsibility for choosing our life partner, and makes certain that we grow together. Beauty for ashes. The reciprocal of every failed relationship that I overcame will be rewarding with the I know there is someone who, like me, has chosen to virtuous love with one person. It’s hard to contain the love Christ above all else. There is someone who re- excitement. spects that nothing in heaven, in earth, or below the earth, can replace the Sovereignty of God. There is a The wait is worth telling incompatible suitors that one who will respect that I love Christ more than him there is not a common interest. There is mental and always will. There is that one who will ask the and emotional strength being developed during the Lord for my hand in marriage - knowing that God is waiting period. When it’s all said and done; spiritumy Father and there is no greater authority. al growth, personal growth and emotional growth are all cultivated in the waiting zone. Certain things Only God knows who He created me for as a help- about life can only be attained with intentional action. mate. I intentionally sought Christ to be my heart-mender which lead to the decision of being intentional purBiblical principles teach that a wife is to be submis- poseful about waiting for the one with whom Christ sive to her husband as the husband submits to Christ. entrusts my heart. Greatness is our absolute purpose. We will greatly influence the world while building a lasting legacy. I

The decision to wait has increased my confidence level beyond what I have ever thought or believed. I am confident in knowing that I am royalty. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have an absolute purpose and legacy to fulfill. No object or individual has the power to interrupt my purpose. I am bought with a price through Jesus Christ and my worth is far above rubies. I attract people who embrace their greatness or who are ready to learn how to embrace their greatness. Greatness only comes from God and is not to be shared with just any one. We have to be cognizant about the objects and individuals that we share our greatness with. For me personally, my time, talent, and treasures are shared with ones who align with my absolute purpose: Greatness.

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Good Girls Do

neither party is too impaired to say yes), not coerced, harms no one and responsible safer sex is practiced, then, in my book, no one has the right to legislate or control it. Even in committed relationships, no means no and sex is not a commodity to be exchanged for love, approval, security, license or ring.

By Edie Weinstein

I think of myself as a ‘soul stripper,’ who dares to bare emotionally, as I peel off the layers to reveal the real. Getting emotionally naked, for me, precedes getting physically naked. Women’s sexuality has been paradoxically considered the domain of men in that it is connected to their interactions with us as if they are the source of our pleasure. If a woman expresses herself through that life force energy, then she is issuing an invitation to ‘him’—whoever that is and some men are bewildered as to why a woman might not be receptive. I have seen sexually revealing friends on Facebook who have attracted leers, rather than cheers for saying what they feel about their sexuality. I marvel at the courage it takes for them to allow us into the inner sanctum. There we get to read about the shame based, sex negative teachings they (and many of us) have absorbed. Many of us have received overly familiar messages from men who are attracted to our profiles or photos, whose comments are less than respectful. There are times when I do amp down the wattage on my energy since it has bowled men over and scared the crap out of them. I am learning not to play small. I am claiming my own life force energy without concern of who it attracts or 28

deflects. Have I perfected it? Not hardly. Do I still want to be seen, as both alluring and intelligent, as shadow and light, as naughty and nice? Of course I do. The thing is, I get to decide in which realm I play, based on my own desires and not just those of another. I’m wondering, too, whether women who are in relationship with each other, face a similar dynamic. I muse about what happens any time we dim our lights to ward off disapproval. Since sexual energy is creative—after all, that’s how we all got here—envision what we could do if we could learn to tap into it and celebrate it rather than tamping it down, like a fire that could rage out of control, left unattended. Imagine the power of women’s sexuality released—it could light up the world. What a positively incendiary notion! One only need to look as far as media coverage of the concept of slut shaming to realize that if a woman dresses in a style that is more revealing than a cultural norm, if she engages in sexual practices that fall outside religious or societal proscription, then her right to sexual sovereignty is being restricted. So long as peer to peer sexual interaction is by sober consent, (meaning that

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I have friends who ‘play way deeper in the pool’ than I do, sexually. One of the most beautiful things a lover told me a few years ago, when I mentioned that to him, as he tapped me on the heart was “You play deep in here.” I sometimes feel like an anthropologist, exploring the rituals of an ancient tribe when I attempt to comprehend the pain-pleasure dichotomy, since that is not my orientation. Hard to wrap my mind around it times, the predilections of my kinkier kindreds. I read Fifty Shades of Grey as an academic exercise, not for its literary excellence. I lost count of the number of times Anastasia said “Holy crap.” The therapist in me wanted to know what happened to Christian Grey that he became such a control freak both in and out of the bedroom and red room. Early on, we discover that he was sexually abused by an older woman when he was a minor and had never healed from that and thus carried it out in his other affairs. Although it isn’t great literature and there is certainly far better written and juicy erotica out there, it did provide an entre’ for many women to explore their own sexual desires. It also differentiated between safe, nurturing BDSM and abuse as a number of my friends who practice that lifestyle, have assured me. For this seasoned woman, Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden and Erica Jong’s classic Fear of Flying opened the door to my own blooming adolescent sexuality. A few years ago, I met and interviewed Erica when she was keynote speaker at an eating disorders conference, having healed from that experience herself. As a teen, she became anorexic when she felt betrayed by her own developing body. On that day, she presented as a woman running the show in her own life. Energetically charged and colorful she was, alternating between fuchsia and vivid electric blue reading glasses as we sat in her hotel room and dished. Recently a friend moved and couldn’t take all of her books with her, so she asked if I wanted some of her erotica collection. How could I turn that offer down? That eternal question about why people call out

“Oh God!” as an expression of ultimate pleasure, is central to this discussion. There is nothing even a little bit blasphemous about ecstasy. What would it look like to live orgasmically and claim our pleasure for ourselves? Know that we experience pleasure from three perspectives. The first is in anticipation. Think about something coming up that you are excited about. Feel that adrenalin, butterflies in the stomach, that yes resonating through you. Imagine it as if it is occurring in this very moment. Breathe into it. The second is the experience itself. Be totally present to it, keeping those lovely senses alive to it all. If that pleasure is in the presence of a lover, for example, refrain from thinking about the laundry, the bills to be paid, the lawn that needs mowing, while that person’s body is enwrapped and enraptured with yours. Lastly, we experience pleasure in memory. Our bodies have all of these talented receptors and cells that remember it all. All it takes to evoke the feelings is to recall them. I have come to learn that the imagination is the most powerful aphrodisiac. As we attune our bodies to the key of “O”, we are invited to live orgasmic lives. Orgasm is far more than a physiological response to sexual stimulation. Experiment with walking through a day in that state. What turns you on? It could be dancing, wearing clothing that floats over your body, massaging hands caressing your skin, watching the sun dapple through newly green leaves on a gorgeous early Spring day, the aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies wafting from the kitchen, followed by the sweetness of the chocolate melting on your tongue, the voice of a Beloved whispering in your ear. Those are some of my favorite delights from my ever-expanding list. I am sighing as I call them in. Be fully expressed by telling those in your life what you like. First know what you like, by becoming familiar with your body and its delicious responses to pleasure. Experiment with ways in which you enjoy touching and being touched. I have a confession to make: I discovered recently that I am an auditory voyeur. It is part of a new label I claim for myself. How do I know this? When I am around people who vocally express pleasure, I can feel it resonating in my

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body. I had a visceral experience of that which away on her tidal wave of woe and joined her in I was reluctant to share, but friends encouraged keening. By the time we were finished, I felt like a me to go for it. wrung- out dishrag, having merged my pain with hers. Even after all these years of counseling people Another aspect of auditory voyeurism is eavesaround sexuality and relationships, it dropping. Although I don’t intentionally do so, remains my growing edge personally—not that there are times when I can’t help but overhear I am shy, or repressed sexually. It isn’t about hav- what people are saying. ing huge secrets I keep under wraps. I think of myself as being “vanilla with rainbow sprinkles” Sometimes I laugh quietly and at others I cringe. when it comes to exploration and experience in On occasion, I invite myself in, to engage in a flirthe boudoir. I know that pleasure and connection tatious verbal threesome. Usually it is welcome with others, regardless of the activity involved, is and that is how I have made new friends. enhanced by sound and I encourage clients (and As a writer, words are my lifeblood. They dance in myself) to use it generously. Sighing, moaning, my veins and flow through my soul. Not only do I toning, singing and chanting are all wonderful like to see them, but delight to hear them. When means of expression both in and out of the bed- someone describes their loving, lush intentions, room. that sends shivers too. When I fantasize on the Think of it as being like contagious yawning. sensual-mental stage, eavesdropping on my own thoughts and those of the imaginary lover When you are around someone oxygenating “characters” in the scenes as they play out, that is their brain by opening their mouth and taking a turn on as well. in gulps of air, you are nearly helpless to refrain from joining them. So too is it with contagious As a seasoned woman, I have finally allowed mypleasure. If you walk into a room where folks are self to completely drink in pleasure as if it is the smiling and laughing, aren’t you more inclined to most intoxicating beverage, slurping all the juice do so? from the bottom of the glass. Become your own anthropologist/archeologist, If you find yourself with sad or grumpy people, exploring your personal landscape to discover how easy is it to feel uplifted? Which room would the primordial pleasures that await. As we conyou rather enter and remain? tinue peeling off the layers, revealing the real, A few years ago, I was at a weekend workshop daring to bare, owning our pleasure, remember in which one of the exercises was set in a dark- that ‘good girls do.’ ened room. The participants were led through a meditation that called us to delve into cavernous emotions. Across the room, I could hear a woman wailing her emotional pain and although I couldn’t see her, I could visualize her body wracked with sobs of the most intense grief imaginable. In my own corner, wrapped in a cocoon of my emotional making, I was experiencing in memory the loss of my mother a year or so earlier. Already sad, I found myself being swept

Reclaiming My Sexuality After Divorce By: Jaimie D Karas, ESQ.

After my firstborn, I vividly recall being at my Obgyn appointment and asking the doctor if she had something she could give me to help with my lack of a sex drive. Her response was that my lack of any drive was totally normal, and that there was no pill/fix for this. And each annual appointment that I went to, I asked the same question and received the same response. As the years went by, and my second child was born my inquiry continued. This conversation ensued each and every year for the next 8 plus years. My three children range from 2 1/2 to 7 years apart in age. So you must be asking yourself, “Well, if you had no sex drive, how are these babies coming about?” You see, for me, procreative sex is vastly different than intimate loving connective sex. It was natural for me to yearn to procreate. When I had this urge, I would easily become pregnant with all three of my children. Easy to get pregnant, easy healthy pregnancies, and three healthy beautiful births. My body worked like a clock. Except, did it? Throughout my marriage, I felt so out of synch with my body.

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If I could just tell my mind that I wanted sex, my body would follow. I wanted to feel and experience desire and sexual intimacy with my husband, yet I did not. I was disillusioned with the idea of sex, and then I’d beat myself up because well, I just didn’t want anything to do with sexual intimacy. It was painful, sad, and left me feeling very disconnected from myself. The years passed and our marriage grew further and further apart. What I was unable to recognize at the time, but later grew to understand, was that my lack of sex drive was closely connected to the lack of emotional connection. I was certain I could join a convent and never want for sex. Ever. It may be shocking as to why a woman such as myself would openly discuss my experiences. The answer is rather simple. I know I am not alone in what I experienced in my marriage. As a divorce attorney, and a woman with many single girlfriends, I hear story after story about women and the fears they have about getting back into dating and how to handle sex. It can be very scary to plunge back into the world of dating, and also very exciting. And in my being open, I have found many women who relate to what I share, and who are learning to love themselves, and who are really coming to understand

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how beautiful it is to embrace being a woman. Sex is natural and healthy. It is a place where we are free to learn in greater depth about ourselves, and a way to connect with another human being. When practiced with boundaries and self love, sex is a beautiful place to welcome transformation. Leaning in to my femininity, sex has allowed me to find pleasure in my body and spirits in ways I’ve never dreamt of. I am secure in my feminine power, and as such, freely share my experiences. No shame, no judgment. Open, raw sharing. Here’s what this divorced woman in her 40’s thinks and feels....as I plunged into the world of dating, sex and began my life anew! My first awakening occurred one night as I lied awake at about 3am. I woke from a sound sleep, and a name I hadn’t thought of for about 25 years popped into my mind. I was surprised at this past boyfriend’s name coming to me, so I googled him. Sure enough there was his picture right on my screen. I hadn’t given it much thought and went back to sleep. Oh...but the following day his name stayed with me. So I checked him out further. That’s when desire started to flood back into my body. There were some really intense experiences I had around this person, but they were all in my mind. This began my body awakening. I knew right then and there that I wasn’t dead. I was very much alive! The decision to divorce laid imminent. I was beginning to understand the disconnect between my body and mind, and each day and night the desire to divorce loomed over me like a dark heavy cloud ready to explode. I was so lonely in my marriage, being alone was preferable. With the decision to divorce, came my mom suggesting that I read the series “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I resisted, because well, I didn’t read smut. However, once I moved out of the house, I recovered the book and it became my beach read. I-couldn’t-put-it-down. My mouth dropped. My interest peaked. I felt proud in moments for what I did know and I was in wonderment as I googled terms I had never before heard. Perhaps there was more to this thing called sex than I cared to admit.

I would wait 3 years post separation to begin dating. And yes, dating meant the possibility of sex. The last time I had even kissed a man, other than my husband, I was 24 years old. For me, this was scary territory. My first sexual experience was with a man that I was friends with for the previous two years. Our attraction was mutual and he was safe for me to explore with. What I will always remember as my first real adult kiss- is that it was amazing. Two hours of non-stop kissing. He set the bar for all kisses to follow. Emotions became real, and while we weren’t clear on exactly what it was we were doing, it did become clear that we were not on the same page. I got to experience emotions I hadn’t ever before experienced, along with heartache. While my heart ached for months, I knew this was my path to growth. The next man I met approached me at yoga. He seemed kind and gentle, and he did yoga so in my book he was a-ok. (Note: I have since learned that not all men that are yogis are a-ok). Quickly after meeting him, and him learning that I had younger children, he told me that he could not date me and get involved as he didn’t want to be in relationship with a woman who had young kids. But I was certain that there was something to explore, and I expressed to him that I wasn’t seeking a relationship and was open to dating with the understanding of his boundaries. I was right! This man would open me up to incredible sexual experiences, and for the first time I learned to surrender. We truly had remarkable experiences together, and in this sexual freedom, we both grew and a beautiful friendship blossomed. Forever mates-no. An exploration on the path of sexual fulfillment, yes. Following this experience, there were a few more men I dated (and dating doesn’t always lead to sex.) There is no required number of dates, there is an internal knowing of whether this person has the qualities I seek in a partner. I was learning what I was attracted to, and what I wasn’t attracted to every time I met someone new. Many new friendships were born this way. One night when out to dinner with a girlfriend, my eye caught the gaze of a most handsome man. This man would be the first man that you could say I actually “picked up”. We talked briefly, exchanged numbers, and spent

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some time together talking throughout the weekend. It turned out that he was visiting, and would come here once a month. A successful business man, highly intelligent, talking of politics and history, and topics that I had no interest in. Then a subject came up that was much more interesting. Sex. I find that in meeting someone, no topic is off the table. I am very open about myself and enjoy the same from a man. I have found men are very open in discussing all topics. If they are not, there will be no second date. I had come to learn, that this man described himself as...wait for it: Christian Grey. Now, as my friends would know, I openly and jokingly had expressed that I would love to meet a Christian Grey, minus the pain. Here he was, in the flesh! That weekend we only talked, as I had told him of a boundary, that I do not have one night stands, never had and didn’t believe I ever would. He told me he would be back in a few weeks and would contact me. He reached out to see if I was interested in spending time together. (Oh I knew what that meant.) After deliberating for all of one minute I was a firm no. While the idea of a “Christian Grey” had its appeal, any of these experiences would be saved for my future man. Then came a most unexpected experience. A man who touched me deeper than any man that had ever before touched me, without ever physically touching me. A spiritual man. A man on his own journey of healing. A breath of fresh air. The first man I felt I was at home with. I felt the feminine goddess that was being born within me was now rising. Being in his presence put me in a state of utter bliss. His energy, his breath, his scent, his mere presence. Melted me. We shared a kiss, and this was the first time I felt another person’s soul penetrating my core, bringing tears to my insides, and a desire unlike any before felt. This was a man I wanted to experience on a soulful level. I was left in a state of desire that felt like divinity. My desire to share myself was inside of a different realm with this man. As each journey is its own, and we cannot time how and when things happen, this desire remains within me. Awoken by this beautiful man, and to be fulfilled when I meet the man who will be a heart, mind, body, spiritual, soulfilled connection. After meeting a few nice men whom I did not feel a connection with, I had decided to stop dating. I lost interest, and after the depth of what I felt for that man, I benched myself. Not sure who or what I was waiting for, I just knew

dating wasn’t in my cards for the time being. I wanted to focus on my own growth, my children, and building my empire. Then I was contacted by a man who was different than any other. A caring, kind, giving, and emotionally available man presented himself. He made it very clear that he wanted me. For the first time, I felt what it was to unequivocally know that a man is choosing you. I was never treated the way this man treated me. Opening doors, walking on the outside of the road or sidewalk, flowers. Chocolate, text and calls, (several times a day.) cooking for me, always making time to see me. This was a man that wanted a relationship. A true gentleman and a sexual god. While I cared deeply for this man, I was feeling out of alignment with myself, and recognized that I must listen to my inner compass and stand in my truth. Always. As I write this article, it is just about one year that I have been on my dating journey. I have met beautiful men and connected in ways that I never imagined possible. Yet, I find that there remains within me an untapped spring of desire. At this time, it is the desire to not date, to not be in the space of other, and to truly spend my time with the focus on myself, my kids, and my legacy. While sex after divorce has fueled my growth and transformation, the irony is that as I write this article, I am now choosing a period of abstinence. As a mature woman, the beauty is in my free choice. I know there will come a time, (I sense in the not so distant future,) all of my experiences will lead me to the man that is to be my forever. Each experience has helped me to become the woman I am destined to be and I know that there is so much room left to explore for myself and my future partner this beautiful thing we call sex- both in its physical and spiritual form. If I could say one thing to all divorced women, it would be this…. Wherever your journey takes you following your divorce, know that you are beautiful and deserving of experiencing all of life’s pleasures! With Love, ~Jaimie

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SEXUAL CURRENCY

see? Whom do you choose as a partner? Are you submissive, dominant or equal in the relationship? Do you always end up with a certain type of person? Is this a satisfying arrangement or is there something you wish to change? • Identify your family patterns. Think about your parents’ relationship to each other and to money. How were financial decisions made in your family? Was one parent active and the other passive? Where did the financial power lie? What roles have you automatically assumed from watching your family? Take a look at not only your parents, but your extended family as well. You will probably see patterns that carry through several generations.

BY: DR KAY LESH Sex and money are totally unrelated. This is the 21st Century, after all. We’ve moved beyond all the gender issues that divide us. Now we can relate to each other on a truly honest and straight forward basis. Right? You wish! Therapists who work with couples say that sex and money are two of the top concerns that bring couples into a therapist’s office. As stand alone problems, sex or money has its own spectrum of unique complications. Put them together and the complexity increases exponentially. And there can be issues concealed within other issues. For example, sexual dysfunction usually concerns more than sex. It may actually be about past messages from family and society, the ability to interact effectively with another person, or the relative self-esteem of one or both partners. The same is true of money. Money is fraught with unspoken, almost subliminal meaning. It goes beyond simply how much we have or don’t have. Our money attitudes are frequently colored by issues of power, control, mastery, and competition. Money can also be one of the mediums we use to play out sexual issues. When this happens, it adds yet another layer of complexity to an already thorny issue. We see many examples of the sex and money connection in movies, television and books. Consider the recent popularity of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” a steamy novel presenting a rather unusual example of the interplay between sex, money and power. For those of you who have been living under a rock, the book involves an innocent young woman who is drawn into a relationship with a fabulously wealthy young man. Money and his use of it--his homes, cars, helicopters and other luxuries--were clearly part of the initial lure. Would she have felt the same level of attraction for a check-out clerk at her local Costco? That is highly doubtful. After the young woman gets into the relationship, she finds that her lover is into sexual practices she barely knew existed. Her struggle to navigate this unfamiliar relationship territory and find her own power continues through another two books, and at least one movie, making the author fabulously wealthy herself. The story got terrible reviews, but sold 5.3 million copies and has been publishing phenomenon. The next two books in the trilogy sold 3.6 and 3.2 million copies, respectively. What is so fascinating about this tale? My guess is that, for many readers, it presented a tantalizingly different portrayal of how the sex, money and power connection plays

out. In terms of evolutionary theory, this sex and money connection is thought to be hardwired in our genes. While this doesn’t hold true for every relationship, in general, women tend to be drawn to good providers who can care for them and their offspring; men look for young fertile women capable of producing those offspring. And research tells us women still are likely to marry up--someone who is slightly older and more established--while men are more likely to marry down--someone attractive, younger and less financially secure. Is that a problem? Not as long as both parties go into the exchange fully informed and aware that this is a mutually acceptable bargain they are making. Frequently, however, such bargains are unclear and unwritten, so both parties end up confused and dissatisfied after the initial glow of romance wears off. Entering a relationship pressured by family expectations, media models, and mistaken ideas about what will make us happy can almost guarantee problems. This kind of exchange is a prime example of the way sex and money can combine in problematic ways. Let’s look at some others. Money can be used to pay for sex and/or companionship. The most straightforward and best-known exchange is prostitution. But exchanges happen on other, more subtle levels as well. Does anyone really believe that Hugh Heffner, the ninety-year old founder of Playboy Magazine still is sexually attractive to the young women who serve as his companions? Most of us would assume his money and power are the main attractions. He is not the only man who can surround himself with lovely young bodies. The truth is that rich men can have all the pretty young companions they want. Money is attractive for what it can buy and the power that comes with having it. The former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was famously quoted as saying that, “Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.” Wealthy women can have younger companions “dancing in attendance” in a similar way. Men marry for money in much the same way women do. There are other forms of this interaction as well. For example, a wealthy woman might insist on being served by the best looking waiter, or being driven by the most handsome limo driver. Neither gender is immune to using money to purchase the companionship of attractive younger people. The flip side of paying for companionship is using money to buy freedom from a relationship that no longer works.

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The entertainment media bombards us with tales of huge prenuptial agreements, or divorce settlements with alimony and palimony payments that make most of us gasp. At a sadder end of the spectrum, a number of people remain trapped in unsatisfying, even abusive relationships because they lack the financial resources to escape. Money can also be used to buy forgiveness in relationships. How many people have you known who, after a fight with a significant other, will purchase an extravagant gift to express their regret and ask for forgiveness? A floral delivery van was spotted with a sign displaying a bouquet of roses with the question: “Exactly How Mad is She?” The implication is clear. Purchasing flowers is a way to apologize after a fight. Expensive jewelry, clothing and accessories can serve the same purpose, and frequently do. Couples’ therapists tell us that sex is frequently used a bargaining chip in relationships. Withholding sex is as old as the tale told by Aristophanes in 411 BC. His play about a group of women who withheld sex to stop their men from waging war is a classic. And, withholding sex is as current as today. Couples talk about having great “make-up sex” after an intense fight. The late comedian Joan Rivers said that “God gave women sex so that we could go shopping the next day.” Clearly she understood the sex and money connection. Recognizing our issues around sex and money gives us the power to move beyond and make choices that are clearer and more honest. Looking at your own sex and money connections can help you uncover patterns that you have played out in the past so you can identify any that still need to be changed. The most important step is to recognize existing patterns. This gives you the power to fashion healthier relationships. Here are some suggestions about how to begin the process. • Study your relationship patterns. It can be helpful to draw up a “relationship history” to see where your relationships have taken you in the past. What patterns do you

• Discuss money with your partner. Most couples enter relationships without any understanding of how they will handle joint finances. Are you a saver or a spender? Is you partner like you or different? What would a cooperative money relationship look like? What is important to you? Do you agree on money priorities? Do you see any potential differences in your goals? It is ideal to discuss this before entering a serious relationship, but it is never too late to do so. Speaking clearly and honestly about money helps open lines of communication. • Decide whether sex plays into your relationship with money. Do you have any unspoken quid pro quo expectations that could cause problems? • Recognize that these can be complex issues. They probably won’t be clarified overnight. These patterns are frequently unspoken and sometimes unconscious. It may take you awhile to uncover your patterns, so be patient and don’t give up. • Know when you need outside help. We have just scratched the surface of the complex sex and money connection in this very brief article. This is a subject that can stir up unexpected emotions for many people. You may want more help. If so, seek out a therapist, spiritual advisor or counselor. Outside help can move the process along more quickly and clarify some of the issues for you. Before you chose someone to help you, be sure to ask that person about his/ her comfort level in talking about sex and money. Sometimes professionals have the same unconscious inhibitions about these issues as the rest of us, and will not be able to be as effective in helping you. Finding someone who has done his/her own work is important. • Know that change is possible. Sex and money are two of the most difficult issues to discuss in our society so it will take courage and effort to look at them. But we do have the power to identify our blocked places to change beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve us well. There is a satisfaction in rewriting old patterns and establishing healthier ways of relating with each other. There is a connection between sex and money. If you and your partner take an honest look and decide that your connection is not as healthy as it could be, then make some changes. While change can be difficult, building healthier relations for ourselves and our families is worth the effort.

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Advance Directives & Caring for you and Your Family By Melissa Mansfield

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Death is inevitable

and as we age it becomes more apparent that we are not immune to this natural part of life. However, even though we understand that it is inescapable, we are still not prepared. Therefore, the question is simple, how can one prepare for death? Moreover, who will make the tough decisions when you are unable to? The answer is YOU should make the decisions regarding end-of-life care by preparing an Advance Directive. Being prepared is the best gift you could give your family regarding end-of-life care. Advance care planning improves end-of-life care and patent and family satisfaction; along with reduction of stress, anxiety and depression in surviving relatives. An Advance Directive is a set of instructions, usually written, that describes two types of legal documents: Living will and Healthcare power of attorney; furthermore, these legal documents allows you to spell out your decisions about end-of-life care ahead of time. They give you a way to tell your wishes to family, friends, and health care professionals and to avoid confusion later on. A Living Will informs them which treatments you want if you are dying or permanently unconscious. You can accept or refuse medical care. You might want to include instructions on the use of dialysis and breathing machines; if you want to be resuscitated if your breathing or heartbeat stops; tube feeding and organ or tissue donation. With a living will, you can note what type of medical care you’d want if you were in a coma, whether you’d want life-support treatment if you had permanent and severe brain damage, and circumstances under which you do not want to be kept alive. While a Healthcare power of attorney is a document that names your health care

proxy. Your proxy is someone you trust to make health decisions for you if you are unable to do so. Remember, the goal is to promote better communication and share decision making responsibilities among healthcare workers such as doctors, nurses, social workers, and chaplains. These individuals are trained to talk with you and your loved ones about your wishes, hopes, and fears at the end of life. They can help explain the choices you have in making decisions and can talk about your goals for treatment and care. These include your quality of life, keeping your independence, being free of emotional and physical distress, and treating illness. Last, but not least, family, loved ones, and spiritual leaders all bring important but different viewpoints; therefore, by talking things over with all these individuals, can help you in making hard decisions. Recently my uncle Gregg passed away due to congestive heart failure. Unfortunately, he did not have an Advance Directive and when he was no longer able to speak or make decision for himself; the responsibility was placed on his other siblings. The family was torn, do they try and prolong his life or do they let him pass? The truth is they did not have the answer, because Gregg never told anyone what type of end-of life care he wanted. Ultimately, the decision the family made was due to their own judgement and what they thought Gregg would want. However, they also expressed anger towards having to make such a monumental decision; regarding their brother last wishes. Gregg’s story is just one of millions.

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No Soft Disappointment with Blueberries! by Marc Kusaka

Hard like a rock one minute to being soft like dough the next? Trying to perform, but something isn’t cooperating with you? Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a problem that affects most men at some point in their lives. You may be thinking, “I never had that problem before!” or “It’ll never happen to me!”, but don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. It can happen to any of us. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, unless, by some odd coincidence, you’re trying to impress a lady for the first time with your “skills”. At this point, you’ll have to resort to your bag of many excuses such as “I just have too many things on my mind” or, this is a great one, “I had a long day and I’m just sooooo exhausted.” You can keep telling excuses, but at some point, you’ll end up being a “soft” disappointment and you’ll end up losing confidence in yourself. One of the best things you can do is to add some blueberries to your diet and soon you’ll start performing like you’re in your 20’s once again. Blueberries have been touted as a superfood for years, but after results from a research study came out earlier this year, they have put on their cape and have been shown to be 38

super once again. In a study that consisted of about 25,000 men, the data showed that a high intake of flavonoid-rich foods, such as blueberries, is associated with reduced ED incidence. (Cassidy, Franz, & Rimm, 2016) Could this mean that blueberries are a natural replacement for Viagra? Quite possibly, yes! This is a miracle from heaven for us guys! Not only can blueberries be found at most grocery stores, but they are inexpensive too. Just pop a handful of blueberries in your mouth 3-4 times a week and in due time you’ll be popping a smile on your partner’s face. Nutritional Value In a 1 cup (148g) serving of raw blueberries, they contain a total of 84 calories. They are low in protein, at 1g, and total fat at 0.5g. Total carbohydrates come in at 21g, with 15g sugars and an impressive amount of 4g of dietary fiber. Blueberries are also a very good source of Vitamin K, Vitamin C, and Manganese, providing 28.6mg (36% daily value), 14.4mg (24% daily value), and 0.5mg (25% daily value), respectively. Health Benefits Combats Disease. Phytonutrients are substances found in certain plants that seem to be beneficial to human health.

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Blueberries contain a lot of phytonutrients such as resveratrol and numerous flavanols, hydroxybenzoic and hydroxycinnamic acids, and anthocyanins, that function as anti-inflammatory compounds and as antioxidants. The antioxidants help to neutralize free radical compounds that can damage cells in our bodies that can possibly lead to cancer and other diseases. Lowers Diabetes Risk. In one case study, a food-frequency questionnaire (FFQ) was administered to three large groups that totaled just under 200,000 people. Studies have shown that consuming two or more servings of blueberries per week significantly improve insulin sensitivity, reduce fasting plasma glucose, and reduce the postprandial glucose response to a sucrose load. (Wedick, et al., 2012) Increased Brain Function. Research shined a brighter light on blueberries as it has been shown that blueberries increase brain function. As we age, our brain cognitive and motor functions decline which means we better do something quick! In animal and human trials, blueberries have been observed to increase brain functionality following consumption. (Howell, 2009) Increased Blood Flow. As mentioned above, this one is great for men, and on the opposite end, great for women too! Helps Blood Pressure and Cholesterol. In a study from Finland, blueberries have been shown to help high blood pressure and low-grade inflammation. (Mykkanen, Huotari, Herzig, Dunlop, & H., 2014) The soluble fiber in blueberries help to lower total cholesterol levels. These are just a few of the many great benefits blueberries can provide for your body. Make sure you choose ones that are firm, plump, and are deep in color. And yes, I am talking about the blueberries! Soft and watery berries mean they are overripe, while wrinkled and dry berries mean that they have been stored too long. Lastly, don’t forget to wash them gently before consuming. Below is a quick and easy recipe for a sparkling blueberry lemonade. This drink will keep you hydrated and provide you with health benefits to literally, keep you “up” when you need to. References Cassidy, A., Franz, M., & Rimm, E. B. (2016). Dietary flavonoid intake and incidence of erectile dysfunction. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 1-8. doi:10.3945/ ajcn.115.122010 Howell, A. (2009). UPDATE ON HEALTH BENEFITS OF CRANBERRY AND BLUEBERRY. Acta Hortic., 810, 779-785. doi:10.17660/ActaHortic.2009.810.104 Mykkanen, O., Huotari, A., Herzig, K.-H., Dunlop, T., & H., M. (2014). Wild Blueberries (Vaccinium myrtillus) Alleviate Inflammation and Hypertension Associated with Developing Obesity in Mice Fed with a High-Fat Diet. PLoS ONE, 9(12), 1-21. doi:doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0114790 Wedick, N. M., Pan, A., Cassidy, A., Rimm, E. B., Sampson, L., Rosner, B., . . . van Dam, R. M. (2012). Dietary flavonoid intakes and risk of type 2 diabetes in US men and women. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 1-9. doi:10.3945/ ajcn.111.028894

Sparkling Blueberry Lemonade Recipe Serves: 4 Ingredients: • 1 cup fresh lemon juice • 1 cup filtered water • 1/2 cup sugar • 1 cup blueberries • 2 small bottles of sparkling • Mineral water • Ice Procedure: 1. Mix lemon juice, filtered water, and sugar. This is your lemonade base and you can store this in your refrigerator for up to a week. 2. When you’re ready to serve it up, add 1/4 cup of the blueberries into 4 glass and lightly crush them with a spoon. Add in some ice to the glass. Pour half of the lemonade base to the glass and top it off with sparkling mineral water. Enjoy!

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Now What? By Rhoda Kaplan The kids are grown. As I sit with friends and acquaintances my age, there seems to be a common thread. Sooner or later we get to the topic of What Now? The majority of our lives have been spent giving birth and raising kids. You cry, worry, yell and threaten but it never really ends. Now that they are grown you must worry from afar. It has become the fabric of your life over so many years. But you now know those birds have definitely flown the coop. How do I reinvent my life? If you are still working, you come home and enjoy the peace and quiet but still you say what now? There is a certain emotional void. For most of us, our children are the biggest emotional commitment we will make in our lifetime. It has been my experience, since there are involved fathers, that men usually will be happy sitting in front of the TV or find a hobby. I think it is rare for a man to have the same emotional attachment to a child that a mother has. I became the social director of our family; doing my best to keep my husband (the last child in the house) busy. Once he was gone, the question of ‘what now?’ took on a deeper meaning for me. 40

To soothe the emptiness my first adventure was to move from Florida to Hawaii. My husband and mother had just died and I decided to work on my inner self. Where better than the spiritual island of Oahu? I went to sweat lodges and sweat a lot. No epiphany. I went to drum circles and came away with a headache. Then there was yoga. I mostly sat and watched. My body just laughed and said, “you’ve got to be kidding”. The Reiki was good. I found it very helpful later on when I went on my second adventure. My next adventure was to vacation for a month each year in a war zone. You can read all about it at Rhoda’s Adventures at Natal. While having lunch with my friend in NYC and again with another friend in Hawaii, the same question came up. We were deciding what to do with our lives and how to fill the void now that the children are grown. I came to realize it is a common problem shared by women universally. Also, how precious the last vestiges of that time, i.e.: cuddling in bed and sharing secrets and ideas with our grown daughters, are to us. It felt so good to know

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there are other women out there that felt that sorrow in their hearts no matter how busy they were. The need to be connected to our children even when they are very busy and don’t need it. Damn us for doing such a good job raising these kids! All the worry about them being independent and okay when we leave this earth. Never occurred to me how much I might need them. The second epiphany was my friend Barbara having a stroke and being on a respirator. How fragile and short will my time left be? My need to hold tight to my kids because time is short. I can feel my body saying “I’m getting tired. Enough!” How long will it be before she is me? Will I live to see my daughter have her own children? With these thoughts in the back of my mind, I must not forget the most important lesson. Enjoy the moment, live in the moment. As I sit in Starbucks stuffing my face with a cheese Danish (and then wonder why I’m gaining weight) I will contemplate the day. What should I have for lunch? I must also give a shout out to my friend Carole who introduced me to Retin A. After almost burning

my face off, I think I’ve got the hang of it now. We have all sorts of creams, hair color, makeup etc. to make us look young and feel better but the kids grow and leave no matter how young we look. Time will not stand still. Time to get it together and make the most of our lives just as it is. Another man? I don’t think so. I am woman and this is still my time to roar. It is great to do what I want when I want. So, as I sit with my very good looking friends we still sit there wondering “What Now”? I’ve come to the conclusion that the void will not go away. I now know this is finally my time. What a strange concept after years of taking care of others. I will see the children when I can and I will learn to live with it. Time to concentrate on being creative, helpful, valuing myself and doing what makes me happy. Really need to cut back on those cheese Danish, thought. PS. Heading back to NYC (visit my daughter, her husband and my grand dog, Misty) in the fall. Then on to Tel Aviv where I will, as always, have a fabulous time. Not so much if I get shot, stabbed or blown up.

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HUMAN SEXUALITY: AN OVERVIEW

BY DR. SUSHMA PANKULE

Human sexuality refers to people’s sexual interest in and attraction to others; it is the capacity to have erotic or sexual feelings and experiences. Sexuality differs from biological sex, in that it refers to the capacity for sexual feelings and attraction, while biological sex refers to how one’s anatomy, physiology, hormones, and genetics are classified (typically as male, female, or intersex). It is a well-established fact that love is a gift of God, nourished by and expressed in the encounter between people. Love is thus a positive force directed towards their growth in maturity as persons. In the plan of life which represents each person’s vocation, love is also a precious source for the self-giving which all men and women are called to make for their own self-realization and happiness. In fact, humans are called to love as an incarnate spirit, that is soul and body in the unity of the person. Sexuality and Parenting: Among the many difficulties parents encounter today, despite different social contexts, one certainly stands out: giving children an adequate preparation for adult life, particularly with regard to education in the true meaning of sexuality. There are many reasons for this difficulty and not all of them are new. In the past, even when the family did not provide specific sexual education, the general culture was permeated by respect for fundamental values and hence served to protect and maintain them. In the greater part of society, both in developed and developing countries, the decline of tradi42

tional models (where sex related topics and queries of young ones are seldom discussed with children) has left children deprived of consistent and positive guidance, while parents find themselves unprepared to provide adequate answers. This new context is made worse by what we observe: an eclipse of the truth about man which, among other things, exerts pressure to reduce sex to something commonplace. In this area, society and the mass media most of the time provide depersonalized, recreational and often pessimistic information. Moreover, this information does not take into account the different stages of formation and development of children and young people, and it is influenced by a distorted individualistic concept of freedom, in an ambience lacking the basic values of life, human love and the family. Then the school, making itself available to carry out programs of sex education, has often done this by taking the place of the family and, most of the time, with the aim of only providing information. Sometimes this really leads to the deformation of consciences. In many cases parents have given up their duty in this field or agreed to delegate it to others, because of the difficulty and their own lack of preparation. In such a situation, many Catholic parents turn to the Church to take up the task of providing guidance and suggestions for educating their children, especially in the phase of childhood and adolescence. At times, parents themselves have brought up their difficulties when they are confronted by teaching given at school and thus brought into the home by their children.

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The Pontifical Council for the Family has received repeated and pressing requests to provide guidelines in support of parents in this delicate area of education. Parents truly are the primary sexuality educators for their children. Children learn from parents as they are loved, cared for, guided and comforted. Parents should be sensitive to their child’s level of intellectual development. They should know what their child is going through socially and emotionally. Parents don’t need to be a ‘sex expert’ to help their child. The process of opening up and being willing to talk is important. They should admit their discomfort. The child will appreciate parent’s honesty, and their willingness to deal with a little discomfort to discuss an important subject. Human Love as Self-Giving: The person is thus gifted in a higher kind of love than concupiscence, which only sees objects as a means to satisfy one’s appetites; the person is capable rather of friendship and self-giving, with the capacity to recognize and love persons for themselves. Like the love of God, this is a love capable of generosity. One desires the good of the other because he or she is recognized as worthy of being loved. This is a love which generates communion between persons, because each considers the good of the other as his or her own good. This is a self-giving made to one who loves us, a self-giving whose inherent goodness is discovered and activated in the communion of persons and where one learns the value of loving and of being loved. Each person is called to love as friendship and self-giving. Each person is freed from the tendency to selfishness by the love of others, in the first place by parents or those who take their place and, definitively, by God, from whom all true love proceeds and in whose love alone does man discover to what extent he is loved. Here we find the root of the educative power of Christianity: “Humanity is loved by God! This very simple yet profound proclamation is owed to humanity by the Church”. In this way, Christ has revealed his true identity to man: “Christ, the new Adam, in the very revelation of the mystery of the Father and of his love, fully reveals man to himself and brings to light his most high calling”. Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive. Let the past go. You did the best you could at the time with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that you had. Now you are growing and changing, and you will live life differently. Love and Human Sexuality: Man is called to love

and to be self-giving in the unity of body and spirit. Femininity and masculinity are complementary gifts, through which human sexuality is an integrating part of the concrete capacity for love which God has inscribed in man and woman. [The truth and meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education within the family (The potential Council for the family, Rome 1995, #8-15.] “Sexuality is a fundamental component of personality, one of its modes of being, of manifestation, of communicating with others, of feeling, of expressing and of living human love”. This capacity for love as self-giving is thus “incarnated” in the nuptial meaning of the body, which bears the imprint of the person’s masculinity and femininity. [The truth and meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education within the family (The potential Council for the family, Rome 1995, #8-15.] “The human body, with its sex, and its masculinity and femininity, seen in the very mystery of creation, is not only a source of fruitfulness and procreation, as in the whole natural order, but includes right from the beginning’ the ‘nuptial’ attribute, that is, the capacity of expressing love: that love precisely in which the man-person becomes a gift and — by means of this gift — fulfils the very meaning of his being and existence”. Every form of love will always bear this masculine and feminine character. Human sexuality is thus a good, part of that created gift which God saw as being “very good”, when he created the human person in his image and likeness, and “male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). Insofar as it is a way of relating and being open to others, sexuality has love as its intrinsic end, more precisely, love as donation and acceptance, love as giving and receiving. The relationship between people is essentially a relationship of love: “Sexuality, oriented, elevated and integrated by love acquires truly human quality”. When such love exists in marriage, self-giving expresses, through the body, the complementarity and totality of the gift. Married love thus becomes a power which enriches persons and makes them grow and, at the same time, it contributes to building up the civilization of love. But when the sense and meaning of gift is lacking in sexuality, a “civilization of things and not of persons” takes over, “a civilization in which persons are used in the same way as things are used. In the context of a civilization of use, woman can become an object for man, children a hindrance to parents...”. Gays: The discussion on human sexuality would be incomplete without referring to homosexuals normally referred to as Gays. Gay is a term that pri-

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Book Recommendations STORIES OF COURAGEOUS VULNERABILITY

marily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. The term was originally used to mean “carefree”, “happy”, or “bright and showy”. The term’s use as a reference to homosexuality may date as early as the late 19th century, but its use gradually increased in the 20th century. In modern English, Gay has come to be used as an adjective, and as a noun, referring to the people, especially to Gay males, and the practices and cultures associated with homosexuality. By the end of the 20th century, the word Gay was recommended by major LGBT [ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender groups] and style guides to describe people attracted to members of the same sex. It is heartening to note that a new study finds that there has been a notable global increase in the acceptance of homosexuality over the past 20 years. This study examines the responses to 2000 questions asked in hundreds of surveys since 1981. Each included questions about attitudes regarding Lesbians and Gay men in 10 to 52 countries. The findings show that residents in 90% of all surveyed countries have become more accepting of homosexuality over the past 20 years. Age and gender were shown to have an impact on an individual’s likelihood of accepting homosexuality. I personally feel that society should not discriminate with Gays in any way.

but our skin is our largest organ and it is very responsive and sensitive. They need to touch and be touched does not end simply because we get older. In a nutshell, I would say that human sexuality is an intricate and integral component of adulthood.

A book of collective stories from around the world. Each story uniquely different yet all embracing and true to being Courageously Vulnerable. This courage and vulnerability has empowered each author to transform in ways that will “take your breath away” While we have 38 stories from around the Globe, below is excerpts from just a few!

For most people it is essential for physical and mental well-being. The nature of sexuality has evolved to include the concept of mutual pleasure. Sexual practices are not limited to intercourse regardless of one’s sexual orientation. Self-pleasure is also a component of human sexuality. In fact, it is suggested as a means to discover what one finds pleasurable. Oral sex and mutual stimulation are now more common sexual practices both within heterosexual and same-sex relationships. This coincides with the advent of viewing sex as something more than intercourse and something more than a means of reproduction. Sex and sexuality may mean different things and be practiced in different ways according to a number of influences that people encounter. What is right for one person or group may not be right for another. The majority of people need to be in close contact with other people.

Each Excerpt reflects only a small portion of the author’s story.

Human touch is one of the most ancient forms of healing. As more scientific evidence becomes available on the health benefits of massage, it confirms what we intuitively know. There is nothing that compares to the feeling of holding hands, a soft cheek against your own or the power of a warm embrace. Human touch is extremely important to our mental, physical and spiritual well-being as it offers us the opportunity to feel love, care, affection, warmth, kindness and compassion from others. Not many of us know this,

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One incredibly moving aspect of this book is its message on kindness. Through the eyes of August Pullman, we see what it’s like to be on the receiving end of dirty looks, terrified stares, and ugly words. Because it’s told from multiple points of view, we also get the chance to tap into the mind of a bully, a friend, and a loved one during these events. The ending of this book and the way the characters dealt with these situations is what restored my faith in humanity. We can ALWAYS choose kindness. —Caitlyn Rhodes

The truth is: Most women do not have satisfying sex lives. SLOW SEX can change that. Better sex is about one thing: better orgasm. This life-altering guide teaches men and women how to use the practice of Orgasmic Meditation-or OM-to slow down, connect emotionally, and achieve authentic female sexual satisfaction. The promise: In just fifteen minutes every woman can become orgasmic. And, with the right partner and the right technique, that orgasm could last and last!

This book captures that soaring poetic wisdom and grace that was the late Maya Angelou’s trademark. Her essays and reflections range from heavy to humorous, exploring her childhood, her travels, her foibles, and her faith. Letter reminds us that, though there is darkness in the world, we each have the strength and spirit to overcome more than we ever could have imagined. Favorite quote: “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” —Rachelle G.

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Book Recommendations

Beyond Cuddle Party: How Pajamas, Human Connection and 11 rules Can Change Your Life Book Review by Edie Weinstein Who/what is warm and fuzzy, daring and emotionally revealing? The dynamic Monique Darling and her positively life altering book on cuddles, snuggles, spooning, nuzzling, massage and thousands of p.j.-clad people who have attended a workshop called Cuddle Party. Monique has facilitated more than 500 Cuddle Parties at this writing and there ain’t no stopping her now. What is a Cuddle Party? It is a communication, boundary setting, relationship enhancing, non- sexual, completely consensual workshop. Adults attend in pajamas, sweats or yoga clothes and after the Welcome Circle which sets the safe container for what is to unfold, there is a time of the aforementioned snuggle-stravaganza. Since its founding in 2004 by relationship coaches, Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski, it has taken place in yoga studios, private homes, church basements, office spaces, campgrounds, chiropractors’ offices, holistic centers…anywhere there is space for piles of blankets and pillows on which to lounge. From the opening chapter that lays out the story of how her love affair with the community- building, body, mind and spirit healing event began to the final pages which honors one of her mentors (and mine), Wayne Dyer, the book is a cozy-fluffy frolic. You will want to dive into the ‘puppy pile’ and experience it vicariously through Monique’s descriptions and then attend one (or more, as many do) yourself. Cuddle Party has 11 rules that help create the safe space for the rest of the workshop to follow and each chapter of the book puts them into perspective. Through the lens of Monique’s life experiences (and she is nakedly candid about them), the rules reflect her healing. She observes that they come in handy for nearly every eventuality in our relationships with others as well as the person in the pjs. Rules to Live By, On and Off the Blankets Some of the ideas presented at the workshop and in the book, are good guides for healthy relationships. • Pajamas stay on the whole time. • You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. • You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.) • If you’re a yes, say YES. If you’re a no, say NO. • If you’re a maybe, say NO. • You are encouraged to change your mind. • Respect your relationship agreements and communicate with your partner. • Get your Cuddle Party Facilitator or the Cuddle Assistant if you have a question or concern or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party. • Tears and laughter are both welcome. • Respect people’s privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties. • Keep the Cuddle space tidy

Rule 6 begins with the question, “Anyone ever get in trouble for changing their mind?” How often in your life has someone tried to hold you to something you said “yes” to? How often have you held yourself to a commitment - out of honor, loyalty, obligation? Or fear of the consequences if you did not follow through? When you look closely, it is notable that this rule, all by itself, has the potential to transform your life. Imagine you are out on a date with someone, halfway through dinner, and you realize the date is not going well at all, and that you are no longer a yes to being there. How many of you would have the courage to lay your fork down, look across the table at your date and say, “This really isn’t going well. Thank you for the invitation, and the time together; now I’m going home,” and then get up from the table and do exactly that? I imagine most of you, the me of a few years ago, would have pasted on a fake smile and gritted my teeth through dinner, biding my time, being polite and staying on the date for “a decent interval,” and at last saying goodbye at the door, not letting on that I never would be calling or picking up their future calls. What I have realized through countless practices of this rule is that the kinder thing to do is to change my mind and communicate that change, which frees both me and the other person to do something else that each of us are now a yes to, instead of the pre-negotiated, pre-decided action. Cuddle Party is a place where a lot of our conditioning begins to change; it’s a beautiful container wherein it’s okay to say no or yes and then change your mind five minutes or even five seconds later. There is no signing a contract when you say “yes,” nor does it mean you are necessarily a no forever if you do have enough courage to say “no.” There are portable, put- into- practice immediately exercises throughout the book, that incorporate concepts that are central to Cuddle Party. While she was writing it, Monique was called on to walk the talk she espouses when her laptop computer containing most of the chapters was stolen and she had to recreate them during her grief over losing them and the machine into which she had so lovingly placed them. She turned to the people in her life whom she most treasured and they held her through it as she baptized the book with her tears, One of the things I value most about Monique and the book that she birthed into the world, is their pure authenticity that is solid and grounded. As a Cuddle Party facilitator myself, I know how it has changed lives, opened hearts and improved relationships- mine included. I give Beyond Cuddle Party: How Pajamas, Human Connection and 11 rules Can Change Your Life a huge Hell Yes! (as Monique likes to say) and Monique the biggest hug-cuddle-snuggle-nuzzle imaginable.

Our Bodies, Ourselves is a book about women’s health and sexuality produced by the nonprofit organization Our Bodies Ourselves (originally called the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective). First published in 1971, it contains information related to many aspects of women’s health and sexuality, including sexual health, sexual orientation, gender identity, birth control, abortion, pregnancy and childbirth, violence and abuse and menopause. The most recent edition of the book was published in 2011. This informational book about women’s health advised women to claim their sexuality for their own pleasure, and included chapters about reproductive health and rights, and lesbian sexuality and independence. This was revolutionary because the move toward women’s active engagement with their actual sexual desires was contradicting the popular gendered myth of “women as docile, and passive,” and “men as active and aggressive” in a sexual relationship.

The Joy of Sex spent eleven weeks at the top of the New York Times bestseller list and more than 70 weeks in the top five (1972–1974). The original intention was to use the same approach as such cook books as The Joy of Cooking, hence section titles include “starters” and “main courses”. The book features sexual practices such as oral sex and various sex positions as well as bringing “further out” practices such as sexual bondage and swinging to the attention of the general public. The original version was illustrated with a mixture of classical Indian and Japanese erotica and specially commissioned illustrations by Chris Foss (black-and-white line drawings) and Charles Raymond (colour paintings). These two artists based their work on photographs taken by Chris Foss, of Charles Raymond and his wife. The illustrations have become somewhat dated, mainly because of changes in hairstyles. Both the illustrations and text are titillating as well as illustrative, in contrast to the bland, clinical style of earlier books about sex. More recent editions feature new artwork, and added text emphasizing safer sex. As women everywhere will attest, men are “ill-cliterate.” Most guys know more about what’s under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. But in the world of She Comes First, the mystery of female satisfaction is solved and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to sex therapist (and evangelist of the female orgasm) Ian Kerner, oral sex isn’t just foreplay, it’s coreplay: simply the best way to lead a woman through the entire process of arousal time and time again. Can you say “viva la vulva”? Fun and informative, She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and ensuring that sexual fulfillment is mutual.

“The moving memoir of a college senior who, in the space of five weeks, loses both of his parents to cancer and inherits his eight-year-old brother.” When I read this, I had no idea what I was getting into — it was so much more than it seemed from the start (make sure you read everything, even the ISBN/Library page small print) and frequently left me in tears. —AJ Via, Riverhead, NY

One powerful example is Monique’s elaboration on Rule #6.

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SEX AND SOCIAL JUSTICE: AN INTERVIEW WITH JAMAL JOHNSON

Many who get into helping professions do so out of personal experience that they address in their own lives first. What led you to dive into coaching? In late 2014, I took the Landmark Forum and started on a path towards coaching from my experiences there. I got really clear that my previous career in media wasn’t a good path for me. All other jobs held the same, dim promise; just a bad deal. There was never going to be mutual respect, there was never going to be an organized path to promotion and there was never going to be room for individual emotion. At the time, the place where I thought I could make the most difference was sexuality. I’m non-monogamous, which as a relationship style scraps most of society’s rules. Being forced to break down a bunch of traditions and create your own from scratch tends to give you some wisdom about how sex and relationships work. From there, the decision to coach was simple. I had an opportunity within that field to make a decent life for myself helping people out with something that they couldn’t even talk about in their regular life. It’s never that simple, of course but I haven’t looked back. One of the things you mention on your website is social justice. What role does that play in your world view and work?

Jamal Johnson is a fascinating blend of coach, teacher, writer, sex educator and social justice advocate. He engages clients in discovering ways to empower themselves in all aspects of their lives and seems to derive immense pleasure from guiding them in the realm of relationships. Jamal’s take on this essential subject will open your mind to a fresh perspective. As I heard his answers to my questions, I found myself reframing my own somewhat limiting beliefs about what it means to meaningfully encounter others, regardless of gender. Jamal covers a broad range of topics here; from vulnerability to desire, from what motivates us, to conscious non-monogamy, from commitment to connection. I guarantee that by the time you finish reading this interview, you will come away with an altered state of consciousness about relationship paradigm.

Please tell us about the man in the mirror. I am a Brooklyn born American. I define myself as a combination of poor, privileged and radical. I got scholarships to high school and college and got to experience some amazing things. What strikes me as most important to my upbringing is that I had to have a very clear sense of myself before many other people that I knew. I left home for boarding school at 13, decided not to finish college and have lived in several countries over the years. Each stage of my upbringing found me in social systems that were not designed with someone like me in mind. so, I had to do things differently from my peers if I was to adapt and achieve in social systems that weren’t designed for me. I very quickly learned to understand the system that I was in on a gut level and account for how/ why I was there in the first place and then convincingly defend my weirdness to others in a way that was palatable to them.

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If we don’t have a world in which people’s emotions are considered and thought of as having equal importance to the profit motive, then we’re going to have an unhappy society that will not be able to figure out why it’s unhappy. I see sadness and ennui based on a lack of emotional intelligence as a lifestyle disease on par with obesity and heart disease in this country. In contrast, positive social justice outcomes happen pretty much immediately if connection and emotional intelligence become a personal or institutional focus. I’d like to help with both that and the sex. Talk about Squad. Is that like our tribe or family of choice? Squad is a group coaching experience that I designed to help people have a life that better reflects who they are by understanding what they want, why they want it and how to communicate it to others with the purpose of collaboration. It can be family, family of choice or people at work. Pretty quickly I got the message that simply being emotionally connected or saying something like, “I’d like everyone to feel heard” is nice but not really very useful. That’s because we do everything in our lives within some sort

of community and therefore by agreement. I see potential for really awesome agreements that uplift everyone if we can only figure out how to get them across and as importantly, work together to support one another in the doing. I want squad goals to be a place where people can learn to make their crazy ideas less crazy by getting the buy-in or the groups that they’re in and then, taking action. How do you define intimacy? I’ve always hated this word. When you look it up in the dictionary, the definition is contradictory. There’s this idea within it of being some combination of cozy, melded together and sexual that feels either impossible or constraining. I also think that people’s different definitions of intimacy can become problematic in relationship. “What is your expectation?” changes the intimacy question a lot. I’ve been bowled over by some of the things people consider “intimate” that I do not. Where does intimacy end and possessiveness begin? My not so secret hope is that people are really reaching for vulnerability and are just using the word intimacy. The ability to take all the pain and protection and fear that you have rolling around in your mind and let it go so that the people you’re with can catch a glimpse of the real you. To see that they probably have the same problems that you do and to be willing to give up on being right and safe first because you know that you’ll share a deeper feeling of love that way. How do we bridge the sometimes seemingly overwhelming chasm between the sexes? I take issue with the idea that there is a chasm between the sexes. I think that culturally, we have an impoverished system of training that says that people with one set of genitals can only feel emotions one way and people with another set of genitals can only feel emotions another. We don’t know if there’s a chasm because we don’t take the other sex that we deal with seriously. There’s so much to the conversation of gender and none of it is binary. To finally answer your question, I’d say that we’re taught that there are only two, incompatible ways to express gender. I think that duality only has weight when we feed into it.

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Try this exercise and write down 15 traits of your gender, whatever you believe it to be. Look at those traits, look at what they don’t allow you to do that you might want to do and then see if you would have made up those traits yourself if they didn’t already exist as a cultural story. Do you believe that men and women are all that different emotionally and sexually? Are we wired differently? I think that men and women are different physically. This line of conversation is tough because the question usually preceded by someone’s pain. I see an underlying question, based in the fact that mathematically, most relationships don’t work out. So, if you’ve had more than one relationship, at some point there will be a chance that you’ll ask yourself something along the lines of; why are the people of the sex(es) that I prefer not treating me in ways that make me feel good? How could we be viewing the world so differently? I think it takes away a lot of pain to have it be that there is some unbridgeable gap between us and others. If the person I’m having sex or being romantic with is so fundamentally different from me, it can’t be our fault! “Men are like this,” “Women are like this” just doesn’t hold up. I’ve got too many examples of widely different gender norms within American culture and in other cultures that I’ve visited for me to believe that gender is as simple as we currently have it. I think that we’re still figuring out what’s possible for men and women and I’m excited to see where it ends up. How can we express our desires and have needs met in relationships? In my experience, we’re expressing our needs and desires all the time! People pick up on each other’s moods, preferences and hopes just by sitting in a room together. On some level, we all know that connection, bonding, being seen and understood, is the most important thing to us and that we’re terrified of the feeling that we have when we lose it for even a moment. I’d say that that best way to express desires and needs is to admit that our only real need in a relationship is connection.

The above assumptions changed my opinion of what a relationship is. Being involved with someone else in a committed relationship went from being a thing or a place that you reached to a set of actions that you continually take. Now, I HAVE TO acknowledge connection as the baseline for my relating and I HAVE TO define and express my desires to keep that connection alive. For me, there is no relationship without those factors. My romantic relationships are the ones where I’ve made an explicit agreement to go as deep as possible with as much energy as possible and not to let go unless we’re damaging one another or my partner has asked to stop. What prevents people from being open about needs? I believe that connection is the only true need in relationships. If that’s true, it follows that the rest of it; all the things that you thought were really essential to the proper functioning of your emotional life were in fact just desires. Some of those desires we expressed and got positive feedback on and some of them just became resentments because we held them back. Since no one else can feel your desire the way you do and no one else can manage your resentments they are all your sole responsibility and that is ****ing scary. It’s pretty easy to feel like “responsibility” is the same as “fault” which makes missing the mark with connection hard on the ego. Protecting the ego can put you into this vicious cycle of judging ourselves before anyone else can and hiding what we really want. We’ve all had bad enough experiences that have had us stop listening to that little voice inside yourself that is speaking to what you really desire. We learn that if I say X, I’ll get a negative response, so if I want love/connection… whatever, I’d better repress X. Soon, we’re scared that others either aren’t reading us at all and we’ll never be connected with them, or that they’re reading us too well and are disgusted by us. The hopeful piece here is that people are trainable. If we can stop judging our own desires and those of others, it becomes a lot less likely that they will judge us and we get better at recognizing the like- minded. I’d be irresponsible if I didn’t mention that there’s a difference between desiring something and requiring others to take care of things that we won’t properly deal with. Accept that simply expressing a desire

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does not entitle you to have it fulfilled, as every human is entitled to their red lines and deal breakers. Committing to connection makes it easier to find balance again even when you hear a “no”. What are specific issues that arise in your sexual coaching practice? It’s funny because sexuality is one of the places where people don’t ask specific questions very often. For an act that is supposed to be base, sex seems to inspire philosophical thoughts when people have issues with it. Questions like, “How do I feel safe enough to show this person this thing that I’m ashamed of?” “Why can’t I make him/her understand me?” and “Why is there a mismatch in sexual desire?” are lofty. How do you keep your skills sharp? I coach a lot. I find doing my job helps me to frame all the info that I get from the world and gives me a chance to try the weird ideas I have. I love Byron Katie’s the work for personal inventory. I try to do that once or twice a week. I read at least four to five articles a day and a book every two weeks, about social justice, psychology or applied spirituality (I wish there was a better term for this). Right now, I’m reading 2 Awesome Hours by Josh Davis who’s a neuroscientist concerned with productivity. I try to meditate for at least 30 minutes a day. I use Primordial Sound Meditation. I OM (Orgasmic Meditation) at least twice a week. It’s an amazing tool for human connection. One Taste, the organization of record for the modern practice of OM, is also where I got a lot of my thoughts about desire from. Mixed martial arts has been a real rock for me. I can’t pretend that I go as often as I need to but if I have to make a shift or get back on track, a couple of days in the gym will make it happen. Lastly, I receive a lot of coaching. There isn’t a lot of chance to see oneself in my business so having qualified peers willing to coach you is a real gift. You can see what they do that you don’t and in yourself, you can see all the issues, resistance and breakthroughs that you’ll find in your own clients. It’s probably the most important thing that I do next to coaching.

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A voice is screaming that many STILL silently live in shame, grief, fear and with an invisible loneliness that haunt human sexuality with preceding verdicts and critical voices. It saddens me that in a world of 7.4 billion, humanity extends only to that which lies clearly within the perimeters of our own glossy bubble of vision and the certainty ego knows and witnesses all that there is and so must be.

HUMANITY for HUMAN SEXUALITY By: Donna LeClair

I believe, in my heart, that all people are good. I need to believe all people are good. I wish to believe for generations to follow. BUT, for the goodness of humanity to endure in a world shadowed by lineages crippled by archaic thinking, we must, as a species carefully woven as ONE, liberate our current lens. Slowly creeping outside the back doors of our vision, hopelessness surrounding human sexuality spirals inside this gargantuan illusion, unintelligible to the vastness of calamity. After my book Waking Reality was published, I was shocked by the numbers haunted by sexual abuse. Stories left me heart-broken of the many victims forcing survival with an animalistic instinct twisted under webs of lineage and the liability to oneself, family and secrets there-of. The year is 2016. We have come a long way since taboo subjects, along with the emotions attached, were swept under carpets and locked inside dungeons of hauntings. Along our path to recovery, why did we allow someone to convince us it was politically inappropriate to talk about that which was clearly screaming? Why did we let somebody, anybody convince us sharing the traumatic mayhem within attract negativity? When, in reality, are we all not human beings? Don’t we all bleed the same blood, breathe the same air, live under the same moon? What judgment do we have when we know a 28 – year- old human who never drove or held down a job? That person who cocoons daily in his room, drinking and getting high. How do we see or treat that human? Do we use our humanity? What if he told you the truth about what happened when he was eight years old? How it felt to be gang raped and the repercussions swept under the carpet of denial. Where that human and that human’s par-

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ents never grieved the death of the innocence within. Not a tear has been shed. In their heart they truly believed, it would just go away. This human remains invisible because of our inability to expand awareness. Or how about that 63 -year old who never allowed his boys to be around their grandfather because as a young boy, his father sexually abused him and his bothers as children? He is invisible. Not even his wife knows the secret, depth or truth of his pain. At 63 years old, he lives in shame, fear and grief, shadowed by crippled lineage No matter how complex life gets, are not we all still, in the end, mere animals? Some prefer to think of humans as fallen angels, but in reality, we are risen apes thriving and living in a far more intellectual environment than our ancestors but seeking the same: food, clothing, shelter, safety and … the truth and sanity there-of. If we do not start listening to the screams slowly creeping outside the back doors of our vision, and sever the cord of abuse the carcass of the past will continue haunting our daily living. The power of our lessons, pain, and experiences will never break the chain of abuse. Our children and children’s children will veil their hearts and mask our sins and when old and gray, we shall shed a thousand tears for innocence weeping in unfathomable chateaux, scrutinizing the tumbling of their soft and crumbling gingerbread thoughts. In the large scheme of the cosmos, we may think we are ancients of the earth, but we are only mornings of the epoch whispering in the vibration. Change your vibration, change your thinking. Open your heart, your mind. Be politically correct: share your truth, release your hauntings and trust the belief you are not alone in your suffering, not invisible and humanity hears the screams of human sexuality. Believe, in your heart, humanity will endure and, is always … LISTENING.

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BIOGRAPHIES

Christina Marie

Indya Minnis

Jaimie D Karas, ESQ.

Indya C. Minnis is a young entrepreneur, born and raised in South Florida (U.S.). She is one of many siblings yet, often mistaken as an only child due to her bubbly personality and tenacious tendencies. Indya has designed a life of purpose after overcoming massive setbacks. She shares her story of how she sought the power of the Most High to heal from suicidal thoughts after admitting that there was no way she could do it on her own. In just 10 short months, the transformation had taken its effect.

Jaimie D Karas is a family law attorney, Certified Supreme Court Family Mediator, mom of 3, and a divorced woman on a mission to heal the hearts of those navigating the world of divorce.

Now, Indya is a Small Business Solutionist providing expert advice to businesses seeking “Guaranteed Growth for Generational Wealth”. Her passion for educating and encouraging people through her daily actions goes beyond the immediate community through written and verbal communication. Ms. Minnis has a passion for helping individuals find the value behind their vocation. Her time is invested in exposing people to diverse resources in hopes to change the lives of those seeking better opportunities.

Christina Marie is the Founder & CEO of Expanded Consciousness LLC, which Houses: Expanded Family Magazine/ Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies (the workbook)/Stories of Courageous Vulnerability (Book with 39 authors from around the world) Love Affair with Thy Self (The Movement) Tender is the Heart: 16 Lessons of Love & Loss (coming out soon) http://www.loveaffairwiththyself.com/

Kay Lesh, Ph.D.

Since obtaining her Juris Doctor in 1994, she has practiced exclusively in the area of family law, and uses her legal knowledge, wisdom, and countless hours spent in personal development training, to guide her clients through the divorce process. Her desire is for her clients to experience an amicable and healing divorce, one which allows her clients to leave the process stronger, healthier, and happier. With a firm understanding of the pitfalls of the current legal model of divorce, she sets to revolutionize the process, and put an end to the financial and emotional bleeding of divorce.

Jamal Johnson Jamal Johnson is a Life Coach committed to creating personal freedom and social justice. He works with individual clients to help them align their emotional lives with their obligations to their profession and the communities that they care about. He helps organizations to create systems that value humans as much as profit. Jamal has appeared on NPR and lectures on sexuality, race and emotional intelligence in NYC. Reach him at jamal@jamaljohnsoncoaching.com.

Jaimie also recognizes that divorce is a period of huge transformation, and an opportunity to create the life one desires. It is a second chance to find happiness. And that happiness must start with oneself. It is a journey like no other, and she is blessed to travel it each and every day, both personally, and with her clients.

Rhoda Kaplan

Kay is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Tucson Arizona. She is the co-author of “Our Money Ourselves: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money”; “Our Money Ourselves for Couples: New Ways of Relating to Money and Each Other”, “Building Self-Esteem; Strategies for School and Beyond”. Her personal essays have been published in “Under Sonoran Skies--Prose and Poetry from the High Desert,” and “Oasis Journal”. In her spare time, Kay is an active member of Arizona Mystery Writers, Sunset Writers, and The Tuesday Night Writers Salon.

Rhoda Kaplan MA Psychology Registered Nurse Reiki Master Clinical Hypnotist Advisor on Board of American Friends of Natal Writer of Blog, Rhoda’s Adventures at Natal (Wordpress.com) “Rhoda is happily retired and living in Waikiki, Hawaii. Between trips to New York and Tel Aviv to volunteer at Natal, she enjoys the beautiful weather and peaceful surroundings. Natal is an

Deb King Deb King embodies living heaven on earth in each moment. Her loving, playful, supportive style facilitates the small tweaks that make the big difference for her clients. Through working with Deb, clients gain clarity, let go of what no longer serves them, and evolve into the best version of themselves. Deb is described as a “Happiness Ambassador”, “Ray of Sunshine” and “Breath of Fresh Air”. She loves connecting and collaborating with people globally. Deb infuses her fun, enthusiastic energy as the team lead for Wish events. Through her passion for being

‘in love’ with life, Deb has created Loving Life Radio to spread loving vibes and uplifting wisdom with the world. Deb has honed her ability to see and think differently through her vast experience representing leading coaching organizations, proudly facilitating change for 1000’s of people. Deb was chosen to be one of the first ten Global Wish Teachers. She has numerous coaching certifications, has trained and mentored coaches, and won ‘Coach of The Year’ from a prestigious corporate coaching group. Her extensive tool kit includes modalities such as NLP, Theta Healing, Wealth Dynamics and more.

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organization that assists, Jews, Christians and Muslims in Israel with the emotional trauma of terror, crisis and war. Their outreach units and in-house therapy methods for treating PTSD are taught around the world. They developed a unique hotline to provide ongoing help to clients. They have been contracted by Wounded Warriors in the US to set up a hotline to help American Soldiers and their families. They are also connected to the Patton Veterans Project in the US. While in Israel Rhoda provides Reiki and meditation groups for the very stressed and overworked staff at Natal. Through the blog she provides unique first hand information of what is happening on the ground in a humorous yet informative way.”

Marc Kusaka Marc Kusaka is the Founder of Nutridemic.com. He has an Associate of Science degree in Pre-dietetics from Barton County Community College and is currently working on a Bachelor of Science in Dietetics degree in the Didactic Program in Dietetics at Kansas State University. Marc has worked for twelve years as a chef and aims to focus on the health and science aspect of food and how it can help our bodies. http://www.peacefulheartspeacefulhomes.com/

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BIOGRAPHIES

BIOGRAPHIES Dr. Sushma Pankule

Rodye Eric Butler

Qualifications M.Sc. M.Phil M.A. English Literature Working as a Professor in Adv. V.R. Manohar Institute of D.M.L.T napur for 30 yrs. Associated with women’s international league for peace and freedom (WILPF) for 15 years. Working on women’s issues Peace and Environment. Runs a school for underprivileged girls, Sushma currently lives in India with her husband, two sons and daughter-in-Law.

Eric Butler is a believer. He believes that a few people can change the world. Armed with only a High School Diploma, he earned from a school in Indiana, he’s a connector with the ability to get thousands of people together to make giant peace signs, hearts, and smiley faces while attempting to set Guinness World Records. He calls this ‘people art.’ His real art is that these events help to build a huge network in Hawaii over 44,000 strong. His passionate global work is to end poverty with literacy starting in Mumbai, India and to end homelessness with literacy in Hawaii where he has earned a living as a Building Manager and business owner for 35 years. The most surprising thing that most people don’t know about him is that his attempt to end poverty and homelessness with literacy is part of a strategy to establish Direct Democracy. He says, “We have everything we need to end Hawaii’s homelessness with literacy. The only thing we don’t have is the will of our State’s Congress to do it. Thus we will start here in Hawaii to establish Direct Democracy so We the People can end homelessness with literacy and much more. WorldPeacePlan.org is the beginning of The Rɘvolution. It starts with the microcosm of Hawaii as a prototype for the rest of our nation and then the world.” Oh yeah, did I mention that Eric is a believer?

Annette Padilla

Jackie O’Brien DeTrano

Annette is a personal traine, group X fitness instructor and lifestyle coach. Since 1984 her passion has been one of conscious awareness and deliberate action toward the nuturing of the spirit within, educating that the physical changes are a direct result of the level of deservancy one chooses to acknowledge and grow. Specializing in core conditioning and integrity of movement while treating the problem rather than the symptom, makes Annette an expert in empowering the spirit.

IIllustrator + Designer + Artist. Residing in Philadelphia Suburbs, studied and graduated from the University of Delaware, I specialize in freelance illustration and design, as well as commissioned works of art. www.JackieOCreations.com

Reverend Edie Weinstein Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW is a colorfully creative journalist, inspiring transformational speaker, licensed social worker, interfaith minister, editor, radio host, BLISS coach, event producer, Cosmic Concierge, the author of The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming The Ordinary Into The Extraordinary and co-author of Embraced By the Divine: The Emerging Woman’s Gateway to Power, Passion and Purpose. www.opti-mystical.com

Melissa Mansfield “I am originally from Houston, Texas. I bought a one-way airplane ticket to Hawaii in 2005 to explore the islands and have been here ever since. I love traveling and experiencing other cultures. I hold a double Masters of Science in Gerontology and Business Administration and was recently awarded a certification as a professional Gerontologist (CPG). I have worked in the staffing industry for over 11 years with eight of those years being in the health care industry. I have an extensive educational background in both the fields of business and gerontology. The most rewarding part of my business is being able to assist families in finding resources for their loved ones. When I receive an inquiry from a family, I can hear the stress in their voice. Most families are unaware of the various resources in our community that are available to them, so being able to help them identify those resources and ease their worry and stress is gratifying. When I have spare time I volunteer at the Kahala Nui Senior Living Community with their independent and assisted living residents. I absolutely love assisting the residents with playing bingo, participating in chair exercises, and arts and crafts. In addition, I garden, cook, hike, scuba dive, and enjoy spending time with my husband and two dogs, Marley and Hendrix.”

Donna LeClair For 20 years Donna LeClair has lectured to numerous organizations, colleges, and churches on the contents of this book, leaving an audience full of tears and faith. her book, “ One Little Black Book” was a finialist in 2012 Balboa Press book contest. In 2013, the book “Stories of Courageous Vulnerability” featured sections of this book while footage from others in the wake of reality is scheduled for release in June 2014. She lives in Laguna Beach, California. She has two children and three grandchildren.

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