City Weekly Dec 8, 2016 by Copperfield Publishing

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2016

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COVER STORY GIFT GUIDE 2016

Our curated selections are guaranteed to wow your yuletide. Cover illustration by Zmiter

The Science of Brewing...

2 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

4 LETTERS 6 OPINION 8 NEWS 13 A&E 33 DINE 39 CINEMA 41 TRUE TV 42 MUSIC 52 COMMUNITY

CONTRIBUTOR ANNA PAPADAKIS

Our digital operations manager of 15 years keeps our website functional and fresh. In her down time, Papadakis loves cooking and traveling with her hubby. Of the holidays, she says, “Presents come and go, and I’ve loved them all, but the memories that stick are Christmas days hanging with my loved ones.”

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Your online guide to more than 2,000 bars and restaurants • Up-to-the-minute articles and blogs at CityWeekly.net/Daily

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Local “water protectors” cele- Cookies are overrated. Leave brate Dakota pipeline decision. Santa beef stroganoff instead.

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Cover Story, Nov. 24 “Give!”

THANKS @CityWeekly for including us in your list of stellar nonprofits! Proud to be a part of this esteemed group!

@UTAHFOODBANK

It seems like several establishments have a Western burger. *Shrug*

This burger is WAY better at Apollo Burger.

Via Facebook

It’s the West and it’s a bacon cheeseburger … Carl’s needs to grow up.

Carl’s Jr. is good. But Apollo burger is much better, and cleaner as well.

TIFFANY RUSSELL

KAREN JO TURNER

Via Twitter Some great charities spotlighted. These and many other volunteer organizations make Utah not only great for volunteerism—but No. 1.

UTAH DEPT. OF HERITAGE & ARTS

DOUG RICE

Via Facebook

Via CityWeekly.net

Love this! Another great charity I totally recommend is the Utah chapter of Support the Girls, ISupportTheGirls.org. It’s Utah’s first donation drive for bras and feminine hygiene products for women and girls in need in our state. They’re collecting donations at six different locations until the end of the year, and they totally need more attention for how great of an idea this is!

Seems there is a trademark on Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger, too. They’ve had the trademark since 9/8/1987. Guess you need to Google your entire menu before you print it to keep the corporate lawyers at bay. Who knew?

Via CityWeekly.net

JAMIE MOORE ZAYACH

HEATHER BALDOCK

@CityWeekly we

DONALD ATKINSON Via Facebook

Carl’s cannot hold a candle to Apollo Burger.

Via Facebook

Via Twitter

And the Big Carl is supposed to be a Big Mac?! WTF.

JACK MATTSON

PAUL BUSHMAN Via Facebook

Ooh, gross! Have you looked at the makeup of a burger patty from Carl’s Jr.?

Via Facebook Should read: “Carl’s Jr. Doing Everything to Harm Own Brand.” Also, isn’t their $6 Burger $8 now?

COREY O’BRIEN

RESTAURANTS IN UTAH Via Facebook

Never eating at Carl’s Jr. again.

AMANDA STEWART

Via Facebook

True TV, Nov. 24 “Girls’ Town”

Via Facebook

NOVE

MBER

24, 20 16

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Give!

I loved that a huge chunk of the [Gilmore Girls] cast came back. I’m hoping that the four last words means they will continue on to more seasons. They aren’t finished milking that cash cow!

KEVIN LINDSTROM

Carl’s Jr. probably shouldn’t draw attention to a place that makes much better food if they are worried about harm to their brand.

Private Eye, Nov. 24 “Bite Me, Carl”

Via Facebook

It’s not just millennial females who like this show, just sayin’.

MEGAN BURY SAINE

@GRASSROOTSBARD

RICK KRAUSE

Via Facebook

Another reason to hate Carl’s Jr.

you.

I was eating at Carl’s Jr. once a week because it is close to my work, but haven’t eaten there once since I read about the lawsuit.

CATHERINE DUNCAN

Via Facebook

Five Spot, Nov. 24 Dave Mortensen

Via Facebook Screw Carl’s Jr. and their trademark. Apollo not only makes a better burger, they have gyros. And baklava.

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AMANDA LUND ANDERSON

TOM HENNING

Via Facebook

E E K LY

Via Facebook

Health care is a basic human right

As part of my experience of working as a certified nursing assistant, I learned that it is a basic human right for everyone to receive adequate health care. However, when patients can’t pay for their care or have no health insurance, ethical controversies and economic issues arise. While patients have the right to refuse treatment and have privacy, the only right they do not have is to refuse to pay. Government health care has helped with this financial

10 loca make Uta l charities that h a bette r place.

By Alex Sp

ringer

burden, but hospitals still lose hundreds of thousands of dollars on uninsured patients. If the cost of care is so detrimental, should hospitals have the right to refuse care? I realized that this creates an ethical issue. What is the ethical responsibility of caring for uninsured patients if the cost is too great? Through my research, I still found it extremely hard to come up with a foolproof solution. However, I learned that health care encompasses a wide variety of situations; not all problems can be solved by one solution. Most of my research had the same bottom line: Take care of patients first, and worry about costs later. There is a general responsibility of humankind to take care of each other. Human lives are on the line, and ultimately, the goal is to figure out the most efficient way to save them.

SAVANNAH NELSON, Mapleton

STAFF Publisher JOHN SALTAS Editorial

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DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 5

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6 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

GUEST

OPINION I’m Dreaming of a White (Supremacist) Christmas Not like the ones I used to know. It’s more like a bad dream. I was afraid of this. The first sniff of white supremacy in or around the White House came with the appointment of Stephen Bannon as special adviser to President-elect Donald Trump. (Still can’t get used to saying that … President Trump). Bannon’s documented history of bigotry and minority discrimination should be a concern to us all regarding his elevated and strategic new position within the White House and in the new Trump administration. Now, with the appointment of men like Jeff Sessions as attorney general, and previous chatter of Michael Flynn as national security adviser (Flynn was dropped this week from Trump’s transition team), it looks like the race pendulum might be swinging back across the decades, potentially eradicating the forward progress we’ve made in this country to respect all Americans as equal partners in our democracy. My hope is that I’m wrong. My hope is that these men will continue in the spirit of American freedom by adding their leadership talents and abilities to further promote American values and at the same time protect America’s freedoms—all Americans’ freedoms. There is no separation. All Americans are equal. And likewise, all Americans are responsible and accountable. There is no doubt that our new challenges today surpass anything we’ve seen in the

BY JOHN KUSHMA

past regarding national security. Radical Islamic terrorism is a threat—a severe and critical threat as we have seen here within our own borders and around the world. We need to elevate all our intelligence and national security resources to new levels of awareness and preparedness using both advanced information technologies and vigilant critical thinking. We must keep a level head and not take token potshots at whatever moves in the shadows. America must realize where we are on the court regarding why we are a target of global and, importantly, domestic terrorism and what part we have played in putting ourselves into that position, and then figure a way to ease out of it; not blast our way out. The attacks of Sept. 11 were the wake-up call. Going after Saddam Hussein was the wrong call. A major politically motivated, knee-jerk reaction blunder like that, in such a volatile and critical global arena, has opened a can of worms the likes of which we have never seen. We’ll be dealing with this forever. It was a dumb, but predictable move. I’ll never forget how the Bush administration imposed upon the credibility and honor of Gen. Colin Powell to convince the American people that Saddam had stockpiled “weapons of mass destruction” in secret bunkers hidden in the desert. They found only a couple rusted, old 55-gallon drums of Drano. Powell was a good man, a potential presidential candidate. The act he was forced to play out damaged his integrity and placed him in a damn-or-be-damned compromising position. This was a classic example of the stupidity, arrogance and abuse of power a faulty, lopsided administration can affect on its people, and the long-term damage it can inflict on international relations and millions of others’ lives. I’m hoping that the new Trump admin-

istration and its appointees will address in an American way the critical issues Mr. Trump has correctly identified throughout his campaign: with integrity, intelligence, “street smarts,” decisive and swift action—and not take potshots at easy targets for marketing imagery, political and personal career gain. I hope the Trump administration sticks to the real and present dangers we face, in the short term and long term, here and abroad. Trump is right about our crumbling infrastructure. Roads, bridges, airports, rail service—they’re all falling apart. He’s right about jobs going overseas. He’s right about crime in the streets, drugs and illegal immigration. He’s right about the threats to our national security. But, you know what? Any sixth grader could have told you that. Let’s hope we elected the right candidate because we believed that this hardnosed, no-nonsense “businessman” could get the job done, unlike the other candidate who represented the classic political insider who made a career and living off of talking about the issues. So, I’ll continue to dream of that classic American White Christmas—“all that snow”—and I’ll support our new president in his efforts to “make America great again.” I know what he means by that, or at least I want to believe that he means what I think he means: Stay the course, “speak softly and carry a big stick.” Get the job done. Let’s hope the fears of all the years are met with American values and integrity, and the White Christmas dream doesn’t turn into a nightmare. CW

I HOPE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION STICKS TO THE REAL AND PRESENT DANGERS WE FACE ...

John Kushma is a Logan-based communication consultant. Send feedback to: comments@cityweekly.net

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Readers can comment at cityweekly.net

What would you give President-elect Trump for Christmas? Bryan Bale: A copy of How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss, edited so each instance of “heart” is replaced with “hands.” Enrique Limón: Courage. Brains. A heart. Hell, the Wizard of Oz box set. Scott Renshaw: It would be best, if I don’t want to be investigated by the Secret Service, not to be forthcoming about this. Andrea Harvey: Coal. And maybe a book titled Presidency for Dummies. Tyeson Rogers: How about a lobotomy? Paula Saltas: A boxful of presents: tiny gloves, a thesaurus and a Mr. Mac gift card. Rhett Wilkinson: A chastity belt. Jeremiah Smith: I would give him a copy of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, in the hopes he would read it and reflect. Sarah Arnoff: Twitter responses of more than 140 characters. Doug Kruithof: A Krampus voodoo creature. Nicole Enright: A smack to the face with a pocket pussy. Randy Harward: Twelve suffragettes laughing/ 11 bikers swinging/ 10 sores a-oozing/ Nine tumors spreading/ Eight moles a-changing/ Seven second opinions/ 6 feet of dirt walls/ Five weeks to live!/ Four steaming turds/ Three STDs/ Two grown hands and a conscience in his hair thing.

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The Life Outside

Six months after delivering watershed speech, Spencer Cox reflects on equal rights, family and virality. BY DYLAN WOOLF HARRIS dwharris@cityweekly.net @DylantheHarris

erhaps Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox is being generous when he says he relates to millennials. The 41-year-old father of four is closer in age, after all, to Janet Jackson than Katy Perry, albeit slightly. Then again, scan through his Twitter feed and it’s immediately clear Cox has an adroit handle on social media—megaphones for the millennial voice. There, Cox has cultivated an engaging persona, and he dispatches dozens of tweets each week, replete with quippy one-liners, emojis, GIFs, internet acronyms and #hashtags. He communicates earnest responses when the moment requires, and wry jabs or self-deprecation when it doesn’t. Indeed, Cox doesn’t just mirror the lexicon of social media—he’s fluent in it. It’s indicative of the officeholder’s smart but sincere adaptability, a characteristic he displayed publically this year. On a Sunday morning about six months ago, Cox, in his Fairview home, rose and welcomed the day with what’s become his morning routine of browsing online news. Dominating the Twittersphere that hour were reports of a mass shooting. Beginning with accounts from the night prior, Cox read the grim news, breaking in 140-character-sized spurts. He was stunned. “I see the first tweet: ‘Reports of shots fired, police responding.’ And then: ‘There are casualties,’” he says. Reading on, the body count ticked higher in subsequent updates. “And then you start to see the extent.” On June 11, a 29-year-old gunman, armed with a semi-automatic rifle and 9mm pistol, stormed into the packed Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Fla. Wantonly, he sprayed rounds of bullets, killing 49 people and injuring dozens more. Reports indicate patrons tried to escape the carnage, hiding in bathroom stalls or behind bodies. Several slipped out a back door while others sent out distress texts and phone calls. A militarized police force responded and after

DW HARRIS

NEWS

POLITICS a 45-minute standoff, officers stunned and shot the killer. It’s been deemed the deadliest domestic shooting spree in U.S. history. Pulse catered to an LGBTQ crowd, and authorities suspect that coupled with Omar Mateen’s apparent ISIS sympathies, he was possessed by deep-seated homophobia. The country, once again, took a collective gasp. Naturally, the magnitude of this shooting disturbed Cox, who talked solemnly about the massacre with his wife, unaware that his name would soon be connected to the nation’s healing. That evening, he received a text message from State Sen. Jim Dabakis, D-Salt Lake City, inviting the lieutenant governor to speak at a Monday night vigil in front of the City and County Building. “I wasn’t sure he was going to do it,” Dabakis says. “It was an election season.” With a looming June primary, Republican voters would soon be picking between Cox’s running mate, Gov. Gary Herbert, and challenger Jonathan Johnson, who had galvanized GOP conventiongoers in April by painting the incumbent as a moderate. Not only did Herbert fail to secure the nominee at the convention with 60 percent of delegate votes, but he also came in second to Johnson by a healthy margin. The two GOP candidates were poised for a runoff. Dabakis wondered whether Cox might be tempted to distance himself from appearing pro-LGBTQ to a disapproving base. Nevertheless, having watched Cox deliver a rousing college commencement speech, Dabakis held out hope that he would accept. As a statesman, the lieutenant governor first sought Herbert’s blessing to speak about love, kindness and unity. “Sounds fine to me,” Herbert texted back, then asked that messaging go by Jon Cox, the governor’s communications director and a distant relative to Spencer Cox. Cox accepted Dabakis’ invite, admitting now he felt a smidgen of hesitancy but none based on political calculations. Instead, Cox worried that he was an outsider and an unlikely bastion of solace for the LGBTQ community. Cox is a straight Utah Republican and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Having agreed to speak, however, he penned the speech, gave it a once-over and then put it away until the vigil. More than 1,000 people showed up on a drizzly evening less than 48 hours after the Orlando shooting. Among the throng was Kelley Neal, who is also known as drag queen Harry-It Winston. Neal didn’t know what to expect from the speaker, other than he was a Republican politician. “I think I had preconceived notions on his stance of LGBTQ issues,” Neal says. “With Gov. Herbert’s stances and positions, sometimes you think the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” But Neal, standing near the stage, his

Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox says his words resonated in part due to people being “hungry for us to stop calling each other names.” 6-foot-1 frame heightened by a platinum bouffant wig, quickly realized he was wrong. Central to its message, the speech asserted that hate, wrath and demagoguery are unproductive in combating tragedy and that in the face of fear, compassion and understanding are necessary fronts. Sounding at moments to be choking up with emotion, Cox said straight people should check themselves and determine whether their emotional reaction diminished after learning that the killer targeted a gay club in the middle of the night. “If that feeling changed, then we are doing something wrong,” he said. In one memorably contrite paragraph, Cox offered amends to those LGBTQ classmates from his youth whom he might have hurt in rural Sanpete County. “I regret not treating them with the kindness, dignity and respect—the love that they deserve. For that I sincerely and humbly apologize,” he read. “In the intervening years, my heart has changed.” A bully-turned-nice-guy narrative formed. While that made for enticing headlines, it wasn’t quite the case, Cox says. Describing his younger self as small, nerdy and at times chatty, he remembers being stuffed into a hallway garbage bin. Cox, it turns out, was more often the victim of bullying than the perpetrator. Likewise, Cox didn’t make a habit of taunting or verbally accosting gay kids. The behavior for which Cox apologized was much subtler but nonetheless mean-spirited. Once in awhile, he gossiped behind kids’ backs, those he detected were different, though unaware at the time of their sexual orientation. He told the crowd that he didn’t have an exact knowledge of how LGBTQ people felt, but he could empathize with their fear, isolation or sadness. An hour after he spoke, Cox lingered with members of the crowd, who

shared their own experiences of despair, rejection, love and hope. He left that night feeling positive—that goodwill would rise out of the horror. What followed was a media blitz, shining a spotlight on Cox, who humbly, but not altogether successfully, tried to deflect the focus from himself and onto “the message.” His face and voice were broadcast on national news. Cox accepted interview requests, but insistently says the story from that night isn’t him. “I think it’s sad that a no-name, nobody lieutenant governor from a small state in the middle of nowhere gets all this attention just by saying, ‘We should be nice to each other.’” he says. “I think that’s how far political discourse in our country has fallen, and people are just hungry for us to stop calling each other names, and to try to work together, and to be kind.” Cox wasn’t the lone speaker at the vigil, and he contends “there were five or six amazing speeches that were better than mine.” Dabakis disagrees: “His speech was by far the best.” LGBTQ residents have come to expect opposition from Utah’s top officials, he notes, and that the lieutenant governor emerged as a thoughtful and eloquent ally shouldn’t be dismissed. “LGBTQ people feel like state government has used them as a punching bag to kind of increase their bonafides with a very conservative wing in their party.” Dabakis says Herbert and Attorney General Sean Reyes are particularly bad offenders. The latter, he accuses, has “never seen a gay-bashing lawsuit ... that he hasn’t jumped on.” Equality Utah also panned Herbert for joining a lawsuit to fight President Barack Obama’s guidelines to protect transgender students in school bathrooms, as well as Reyes’ decision to file a “friend of the court” brief that sided with an anti-LGBTQ law Mississippi passed. Reyes says his office is charged with upholding the laws of the people and

NEWS

myriad thankful messages, a minority of posters accused Cox of professing love for the sake of votes, while others said Cox’s sincerity would be put to the test by his willingness to stand up for LGBTQ rights on Capitol Hill. The implication is that Cox has yet to reconcile his inclusivity within an exclusive party. But Cox values patience, and he says people track on different timelines. Change isn’t always expedient, and he points to leading Democratic figures—Obama and former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton—both of whom sided against same-sex marriage as recently as 2012 before evolving. Working closely with Herbert, Cox says he sees a governor willing to cooperate with LGBTQ leaders. “One of the things I love about working with the governor, unlike some politicians, he firmly believes in bringing people together and listening to people,” he says. “I think people would be surprised to know how often he sits down with people like Sen. Dabakis and Equality Utah and listens, and tries to understand.” In 2015, Herbert signed an antidiscrimination housing law. It would be hard to argue that Herbert stuck out his neck when the bill crossed his desk, though. Deemed a compromise, it passed through the Legislature by a wide margin and was supported by the highly influential LDS church. The governor and lieutenant governor could pull significant weight if they choose to support city lawmakers who are preparing to start a conversation

about public accommodation issues. A city ordinance could serve as the model for a statewide law. Although Councilman Stan Penfold says no ordinance has been drafted, that route was a successful path for the eventual antidiscrimination law. State support would be a boon to the cause, Penfold suggests, as they begin that dialogue. “The last thing we want to do is adopt something that is then reversed by the state,” he says. After a tight convention, Herbert was resoundingly re-elected to represent the party in June and then coasted back into the governor’s mansion in the November election. He will head the state’s executive office for another four years, and Cox is likely to remain his lieutenant for that duration. Cox says the epidemic of youth suicides needs to be addressed, and an unavoidable truth is that LGBTQ teens make up a glaring component. Equality Utah Executive Director Troy Williams says, though he would welcome an initiative from the governor’s office to address LGBTQ suicides, he’s not aware of any yet. “This is a true public health crisis, and we would like to see elected officials send an affirming message to young LGBTQ Utahns that they are a vital part of our state,” he says in an email. “However, the message that LGBTQ youth most often receive from the state is that they are second-class citizens.” Nationwide, LGBTQ youths are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight, cisgender counterparts. And al-

though Utah doesn’t track data regarding LGBTQ suicides, statewide, suicide is the leading cause of death among Utahns age 10-17, according to the Utah Department of Health. It’s while reflecting on his own children that Cox remarks his generation—“the tail end of Gen X”—is starkly different than the yet-to-be-named generation of today’s youth. Where the aged population are more likely to be leery of differences, young people aren’t as bothered. “Part of my transition had to do with my kids,” he says, adding, “by and large, they don’t see each other through that lens of ‘different’ or ‘other.’ … My kids have always been really great on this. They see people are different and that’s great. It makes the world a better place.” Scores of people expressed pride in the state after Cox’s speech. And Cox’s kids, ages 10-17, he reports, were among them. In Dabakis’ guesstimations, Cox has a bright future as a public figure and he bravely risked poll points last June. If the lieutenant governor someday seeks a more prestigious seat, LGBTQ ties could be fodder for political opponents, depending on the race. Is Cox eyeing a higher office? He demurs. “I have a much better life outside of this, and I look forward to returning to that life someday, but I’ve also said I believe in service and giving back,” he says. “When the appropriate time comes, we’ll sit down and evaluate and talk about things. If it feels like it’s important to keep serving, we will. And if not, I can’t wait to be done.” CW

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defending the state. He says he prioritizes working to protect vulnerable populations. “On occasion, the AGO has defended lawsuits against the state brought by members of the LGBTQA+ community,” he says in an emailed statement. “Similarly, the AGO would defend a state law protecting their interests, if challenged, and is currently assisting legislators in developing legislation protecting vulnerable populations. ... Our duty as an office is to defend the laws passed by the people, and we work to balance the interests of all individuals when we do so.” As Herbert’s right-hand man, Cox serves for an administration that fought against same-sex marriage before begrudgingly accepting the U.S. Supreme Court ruling that barred states from marriage discrimination. This was one of the few critical arguments lobbed against Cox in the aftermath. Wise to the political climate, the lieutenant governor expected some backlash but was met with very little. After repeated requests for copies of the speech, Cox posted it to his Facebook page where it reached a sizable audience. The outpouring was abundantly positive. It generated several hundred likes, and more than 120 comments from Facebook users in both Utah and states afar. For months after, he continued to be approached in public by people who heard about his speech, he says, and admired his thoughtfulness. He estimates the ratio of positive responses to negative to be in the ballpark of 1,000 to 1, discounting the negative feedback to be from “trolls.” On his Facebook, amid the

POLITICS

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DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 9

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THE LIST OF EIGHT

BY BILL FROST

@Bill _ Frost

CITIZEN REVOLT In a week, you can CHANGE THE WORLD

BOSNIAK MOSQUE OPEN HOUSE

Before Donald Trump goes any further with his anti-Muslim polemic, you have an opportunity to get to know local Muslims personally, find out about their faith and welcome them into this community at the Bosniak Mosque Open House. The Islamic Society of Bosniaks in Utah opens their doors to tours, music, authentic Bosnian food and more in celebration of the completion of extensive remodeling of Maryam Mosque. “This open house is for all people who are interested in finding more about other religions and ethnic groups,” Imam Amir Salihovic says. “Our dear prophet teaches us to love and respect people around us regardless who they are.” Maryam Mosque, 425 N. 700 West, 801-706-3348, Saturday, Dec. 10, 10:30 a.m.-5 p.m., free, Bit.ly/2gv8vCZ

Eight local stores that went out of business before City Weekly’s Gift Guide was finished:

The Dangling Participle Adult Literature Shoppe.

Sole Bros. Thrice-MarkedUp Sneaker Emporium.

6. Gary’s Hairy Apothecary Beard Supply Co.

5. Voluminous Vixen Plus-Size Lingerie Boutique.

4. Salt & Feather Embroidered

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Bird Mill.

3. Vape Culture Smoke Shop. 1. Skyler + Tyler Bi-Curious

2. Donkey Punch Olde Time Libation Station.

Missionary Mercantile.

FEMALE AMBASSADOR TO SPEAK

Following a contentious election in which feminism was a hot topic, you might want to hear former Ambassador Wendy Chamberlin talk about rising through the ranks to the top of an agency where it has been notoriously difficult for women to advance. Chamberlin is a 29-year veteran of the U.S. Foreign Service who played a key role in securing Pakistan’s cooperation in the U.S.-led campaign against alQaeda in Afghanistan in the wake of 9/11. She has been president of the Middle East Institute since 2007. Previously, as deputy high commissioner for refugees, she supervised the administration of the U.N. humanitarian organization. As part of the Fish Needs a Bicycle Series, Chamberlin’s story is one that proves that excellence overcomes misogyny, both overt and covert. Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801328-4201, Thursday, Dec. 8, 7 p.m., $5 donation, UtahMoca.org

DANCE YOUR WAY THROUGH HISTORY

The Southern Utah University Ballroom Dance Co. invites you on a journey through time. The family-friendly Dance Your Way Through History performance lets you see classic ballroom dance styles from salsa to the waltz. This energetic group will keep you tapping your feet as you are entertained by wonderful music, beautiful costumes and amazing formation ballroom dancing. Southern Utah University, Randall L. Jones Theatre, 351 W. University Blvd., Cedar City, 435-865-8667, Friday-Saturday, Dec. 9-10, 6:30 p.m.; Saturday matinee, 2 p.m., adults $10, students $6, SUU.edu/PVA

—KATHARINE BIELE Send tips to revolt@cityweekly.net

STRAIGHT DOPE ASD Epidemic

BY CECIL ADAMS SLUG SIGNORINO

OCHO

10 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

THE

What’s going on with autism? When I was growing up, there seemed to be hardly any autistic kids around; now they’re everywhere. Is this an example of better diagnostic methods or are there more autistic kids around now, and if so, does anyone have any ideas as to why? —Joanne in Euless, Texas

If I had a dollar for every letter I get asking about the autism epidemic—well, you’d think I could fund a study definitive enough to stop people writing the letters. It so happens I addressed a question much like Joanne’s in March 2014, but both the study of autism and popular interest in it are still going strong, and now’s not a bad time for an update. As of that earlier column, it looked like the dramatic increase in autism diagnoses seen in recent decades was due substantially to a broadened definition of autism—specifically, to the decision made in the 1990s to include Asperger’s syndrome and other developmental conditions under the umbrella term “autism spectrum disorder” (ASD). Nearly three years later, that’s still what it looks like: A 2015 study, for instance, found that 60 percent of an apparent ASD upswing in Denmark could be attributed to changes in reporting practices. After the American Psychiatric Association tightened up the criteria for ASDs in the fifth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published in 2013, experts figured that between 10 and 40 percent of existing diagnoses wouldn’t meet the new standards. Again, recent data seems to bear this out: The diagnosis rate among kids evaluated for ASD at one Buffalo hospital dropped from 50 percent under the old criteria to 39 percent under DSM-5. Complexities of diagnosis aside, there’s a fairly clear set of traits that has historically been described as autism—significant trouble with communication and interaction, repetitive or otherwise rigid behavior—but thus far little solid consensus about what causes it. One ongoing question has been the relative impact of heredity, genetic mutation and environmental factors; all are seemingly in play, but our understanding of the balance continues to swing back and forth. Scientists have long studied autism in twins—the basic idea being that if identical twins (who share all their genes) are significantly more likely to both have ASD than fraternal twins (who share only half), that tells us something about the genetics-environment relationship. At one point such research suggested that ASD risk might be as much as 90 percent the result of inherited genes, but a surprising 2011 study at Stanford concluded it was only 38 percent, with 62 percent attributable to environmental exposure. More recent studies haven’t settled much: A 2014 Swedish report estimated that autism was 50 percent heritable; a UK paper from last year didn’t pin it down any better than “56 percent to 95 percent.” On this front the jury is apparently still way out. In the wake of since-discredited findings about mercury in vaccines (and resulting

dips in vaccination coverage), it’s hard not to be skeptical when you hear about some substance newly linked to autism; as I said in 2014, “If there actually were an environmental cause of autism, with so many false positives being reported, we’d never know.” OK, so that’s a little strong. The Centers for Disease Control is confident enough to state that exposure during pregnancy to the pharmaceuticals valproic acid and thalidomide present a heightened ASD risk, for instance, but those are known to cause birth defects, too. Pesticides make a more worrisome potential culprit. A California study published in Environmental Health Perspectives in 2014 reported that pregnant mothers who lived near fields treated with pesticides called organophosphates were more likely to have kids with ASD—surely a connection worth further investigation. A louder version of this claim, though, came from MIT researcher Stephanie Seneff, who that same year attributed high autism rates (and a host of other ills) to the wide use of glyphosate—a related herbicide found in Monsanto’s Roundup weed-killer—and predicted that by 2025, half of all American children would have autism. Beyond attacking her findings on their merits, critics have characterized Seneff as an anti-GMO zealot who’s strayed too far from her field (her doctorate’s in computer science); likewise those critics have found themselves dismissed as shills for Big Agriculture. All this notwithstanding, so far Seneff has merely shown a correlation between ASD prevalence and glyphosate use on corn and soybeans without demonstrating causation. Among the biggest recent news about autism, one might argue, was a CDC report in March finding that the ASD rate had remained flat since the previous report two years earlier. But the sense that autism is ever on the rise, borne out by statistics or not, feeds into the suspicion of many parents that some external malignancy has warped their child’s development. In her 2014 book On Immunity, the essayist Eula Biss examines the seductive appeal of anti-vaxxer beliefs, suggesting that ours is a culture that fears the unnatural and seeks to blame it whenever something goes wrong. If autism turns out to be as natural as any other genetic mutation, that just goes to show that not everything in nature has our best interests in mind. n Send questions to Cecil via StraightDope.com or write him c/o Chicago Reader, 350 N. Orleans, Chicago 60654.

S NEofW the

WEIRD

BY CHUCK SHEPHERD

Even Baking Soda Is Dangerous Almost all law enforcement agencies in America use the Scott Reagent field test when they discover powder that looks like cocaine, but the several agencies that have actually conducted tests for “false positives” say they happen up to half the time. In October, the latest victims (husband-and-wife truck drivers with spotless records and Pentagon clearances) were finally released after 75 days in jail awaiting trial—for baking soda that tested “positive” three times by Arkansas troopers (but, eventually, “negative” by a state crime lab). Why do police love the test? It costs $2. The truck drivers had to struggle to get their truck back and are still fighting to be re-cleared to drive military explosives. Unclear on the Concept Activists told Vice Media in November that 100,000 people worldwide identify as “ecosexuals,” ranging from those who campaign for “sustainable”-ingredient sex toys to those who claim to have intercourse with trees (but sanding the bark for comfort might provoke concern about being “abusive”). A University of Nevada, Las Vegas, professor studies the phenomenon and knows, for example, of humans who “marry” Earth or prefer sex while rolling in potting soil or under a waterfall. On one “arborphilia” support blog, a female poster regretted her choice to have “convenient” sex with the sycamore outside her bedroom window instead of the sturdy redwood she actually covets. (Yes, some “mainstream” environmentalists somehow are not completely supportive.)

No Man’s Land

Forget about the bogus War on Christmas. Utah and other Western states are facing a war on history. Rep. Rob Bishop is pushing away at his Public Lands Initiative, an effort that is bound to ensure a legacy for him as the person who tirelessly sought to destroy the nation’s natural heritage. Bishop is meeting with Donald Trump’s transition team to discuss undoing Obama’s monument designations, which include Grand Staircase Escalante, two new monuments in New Mexico, and the possibility of stopping the Bears Ears monument in its tracks. That alone has activated the Ute Nation, among other Native American tribes, to protest. It doesn’t matter whose land it is. What matters is whether it will be denuded and pillaged by the desperate oil-and-gas industry.

Living on a Prayer

In 2005, skeptics thought that prayer didn’t exactly help fertility. In 2014, a study took returned Mormon missionaries and scanned their brains to see if prayer makes them better people. And now today, both The Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News have reported on the continuing study that showed parts of the brain lighting up at spiritual thoughts. It’s almost funny to see yet another study on prayer. Most, of course, have focused on whether it works, and there are mixed results. It’s unclear what these studies hope to show, but they might just demonstrate how different people react to different stimuli. In 2006, The New York Times wrote of 10 studies that showed prayer didn’t do a danged thing. But it’s possible people can do it for themselves.

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 11

Thanks this week to Norah Satre, Gaal Crowl and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

Read last week’s news and realize that, yes, Utah is the nuclear nexis of the United States. Deseret News reported on the confusing repercussions of Energy Solution’s proposed acquisition of a west Texas facility handling low-level radioactive waste. The feds don’t like the monopolistic aspect of it, but N-waste critics think the purchase would allow waste to be sent to Texas instead of Utah. Then, there’s the Blue Castle plan to build a nuclear plant on the Green River. Oops, it missed some hefty pre-operational payments to the two affected counties. Now, BC wants to renegotiate, a story in The Salt Lake Tribune says. Meanwhile, surprise! Daily Utah Chronicle let us know that the only nuclear reactor in the Beehive State is housed at the University of Utah. It doesn’t generate electricity, but helps in research. The problem, which they’re working on, is to develop concrete that won’t become activated and result in millions of dollars worth of disposal costs.

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Questionable Judgments The Schlitterbahn Waterpark in Kansas City, Kan., got the message in November and shut down its “world’s tallest waterslide” (17 stories; riders reaching speeds of 60 mph) after the neckinjury death of a 10-year-old rider in August. But comparably altitude-obsessed architects in Tokyo said in November that they were moving ahead with proposals for “Next Tokyo 2045” to include a mile-high residential complex (twice as tall as the currently highest skyscraper). A spokesperson for principal architects Kohn Pedersen Fox said he realizes that coastal Tokyo, currently in earthquake, typhoon and tsunami zones, would present a climate-change challenge (and especially since the building would be on land once reclaimed from Tokyo Bay).

Nuclear Nexis

n Pigs are such complex animals that scientists are studying how to tell the “optimists” from the “pessimists.” British researchers writing in a recent Biology Letters described how “proactive” porkers differed from “reactive” ones, and, as with humans, how their particular mood at that time distinguished them as “glass half full” rather than “glass half empty.” Unaddressed, of course, was specifically whether some pigs were actually “optimistic” that the chute at the slaughterhouse might lead to a pleasant outcome.

@kathybiele

n In October, a court in Australia’s Victoria state began considering an appeal on whether three deaf people might be too intellectually challenged to have planned a murder. The prosecutor offered surveillance video of the three in a lobby planning the murder’s details via sign language as they waited for an elevator to take them up to the eventual crime scene.

BY KATHARINE BIELE

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The Continuing Crisis Ricky Berry and his roommate walked in to a CVS store in Richmond, Va., in November to ask if it carried sliced cheese but were told no. Minutes later, all the employees walked to the back of the store, hid in a locked room, and called the police. Berry and pal, and a third customer (with a toothache and desperately needing Orajel), were bewildered by the empty store until a Richmond police officer arrived. After observing that the three customers appeared nonthreatening, he mused along with Berry that “this is how weird, apocalyptic movies start.” WRIC-TV reported later that the employee who panicked and called police will “possibly” need retraining.

HITS&MISSES

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12 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

RANDOM QUESTIONS, SURPRISING ANSWERS

MATT SPENCER

FIVE SPOT

Forget the sleigh; “Santa Ed” drives a red GMC Denali. The 70-year-old professional Santa is racking up the miles this season as he visits homes, company parties and other gigs. Edward Scott of West Jordan, a civil mechanical designer by day, has been playing Saint Nick for the past seven years.

How did you start out as a professional Santa?

I’ve had a beard for over 40 years. When it turned white, and with my physical appearance, kids actually let me know what my obvious path was. My wife and I would go Christmas shopping and parents would come up to me, and tell me their kids thought I was Santa. And they’d ask if I’d talk with them.

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What was your first gig?

The first year was in the hospital where I was a patient. I’d had heart surgery and my wife brought my Santa coat for me to walk the halls. As I visited others, it helped me to heal.

What’s your going rate?

It varies with time and distance I have to travel.

Do you own more than one suit?

I have two specially made suits. I prefer the longer coat that, to me, represents a more oldfashioned Father Christmas look.

What’s the most unusual request you’ve received from an adult?

I was asked by a young firefighter to assist in asking his girlfriend to marry him. I rode up to her house in a fire truck with the lights flashing and sirens blaring.

Any dicey moments in your career as Santa?

I was to do a surprise visit to someone’s house, but was given the wrong address. So I went into someone else’s house instead.

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What are the best moments?

It’s that first magical moment when recognition flashes in the eyes of children—and many adults—when they see me as Santa coming through the door.

Can people tell you’re a Santa even when you’re off duty?

Yes! It’s difficult to go shopping or generally out in public. My wife jokingly says she can’t take me anywhere because it takes us twice as long.

What advice would you give a newcomer entering the profession?

Be professional and provide quality in everything you do—from your suit to your attitude. Be sincere in your desire to create that magical moment that will lie in a child’s heart forever. Children are smart, and they can see through things if they’re not done correctly.

—LANCE GUDMUNDSEN comments@cityweekly.net

BW PRODUCTIONS

Complete Listings Online @ CityWeekly.net

KEVIN WHITE

MICHAEL BEZJIAN

ENTERTAINMENT PICKS DEC. 8-14 2016

CIRQUE MUSICA

ESSENTIALS

the

The famous 1954 film that birthed the bestselling song “White Christmas” quickly became a holiday staple, and it’s little wonder why. Its composer, Irving Berlin, was an American icon, and its tale of two ex-GIs/showbiz buddies who stage a holiday show in an idyllic Vermont inn elicited pangs of nostalgia in its post-war world. The movie’s stars, Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby, have long since shed their mortal coils, but that need to revisit simpler times is no less potent now, given the turmoil and tribulations we encounter on this polarized planet. Broadway at the Eccles deserves kudos for bringing back the stage adaption of this classic as a way to remind us that sugary sentiments are always sacred, especially this time of year. Along with the title tune, there are plenty of other favorites—“Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep,” “Happy Holiday,” “Sisters” and “Blue Skies” among them—not to mention a heap of dancing, romancing and wisecracking as well. Sure, it’s quaint, old-fashioned and even corny at times, but leave your cynicism at the door and take an opportunity to shed the weight of the world. The New York Times encouraged that notion, declaring “this cozy trip down memory lane should be put on your wish list.” We couldn’t agree more. (Lee Zimmerman) Irving Berlin’s White Christmas @ Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main, 801-355-2787, through Dec. 11, performance times vary; captioned performance Dec. 10, 2 p.m., $40-$90. ArtSaltLake.org

December is defined by traditions, and this is especially true when it comes to entertainment. Amateur and professional theatre groups alike break out the time-tested Nutcracker and A Christmas Carol programming and rely on them to get audiences into the holiday mood. But the Utah Symphony is looking to reinvent traditions by teaming up with Cirque Musica, a traveling group not unlike Cirque de Soleil. Combining circus acts such as aerialists, strongmen and jugglers with Christmas carols and classical music, the two ensembles provide an alternative to the classic holiday fare without completely rejecting it. Paul Meecham, president and CEO of Utah Symphony, says the combination of Cirque Musica performers and musicians helps provide a symphonic experience to people who normally wouldn’t go a performance like theirs. “I think you expand your audience base. Symphonies these days are offering more diverse types of events,” he says. “It’s like opening a door to symphonic music. Maybe I don’t want to go to a regular subscription concert, but I can see the music in combination with something else.” Mark Davidson, principal trombone in the symphony, says he doesn’t mind sharing the stage with another performance. “It’s just great music combined with great dancing; it’s great fun to watch,” he says. “It’s only a few weeks a year where we do something like this where there’s a live performance with us.” (Kylee Ehmann) Utah Symphony with Cirque Musica @ Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, 801-533-6683, Dec. 9, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 10, 11 a.m. & 7:30 p.m., $21. UtahSymphony.org

The age of Oliver! is showing. Not the young character, of course—performed exceptionally by Maxwell Rimington in Pioneer Theatre Co.’s production—but the play itself. Like Charles Dickens’ 1830s novel Oliver Twist, the music and lyrics by Lionel Bart also come from a different era: 1960. There’s a violent undertone running through Oliver! and it’s evident early on in the song “I Shall Scream” sung by Mr. Bumble (Kevin Ligon) and Mrs. Corney (Linda Griffin). That sensibility extends to Nancy’s (Natalie Hill) contentious relationship with Bill Sykes (Howard Kaye). Times have changed since Oliver! first premiered on London’s West End. The themes might surprise some viewers, especially those who expect to watch a happy-go-lucky children’s musical. Despite the mixed messages, this cast is impressive—as is George Maxwell’s incredibly scenic design. Rimington’s Oliver Twist holds his own as a poor, orphaned boy who gets sold to an undertaker couple (James Michael Reilly and Carol Schuberg). After running away, he meets The Artful Dodger (Christian Labertew), a member of Fagin’s (Bill Nolte) pick-pocketing crew. But when Oliver attempts to pick a pocket or two, he’s caught and whisked off by the wealthy Mr. Brownlow (Richard Scott). Nolte’s Fagin nearly steals the show from Rimington, yet it’s the entire company numbers that are most spectacular to watch thanks to the incredible set. If all you know about Oliver! is the line, “Please sir, I’d like some more,” you’re in for a surprise. (Missy Bird) Pioneer Theatre Co.: Oliver! @ 300 S. 1400 East, 801-581-6961, through Dec. 17, Monday-Thursday, 7 p.m.; Friday-Saturday, 7:30 p.m.; Saturday matinee, 2 p.m., $25$62. PioneerTheatre.org

Pioneer Theatre Co.: Oliver!

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 13

Canada has a long history of producing secret comedic weapons, from Dan Aykroyd to the Kids in the Hall and Mike Myers. So you have to give respect to native Canadian Lachlan Patterson for making it through those ranks after years of hard work. “It was really difficult because Canadians don’t care what show you’ve been on or who you opened for,” Patterson says. “They aren’t an easily impressed nation. The only way you truly earn respect in Canadian comedy is by putting in your time.” That effort is now paying off for Patterson with gigs like co-hosting The Kooks of Komedy Podcast with Joe Praino, and his own stand-up special on SeeSo (which will also be released as an album), Live from Venice Beach. As for touring, Patterson has been working on new material as he goes. “I think my material is much more personal than it used to be. It feels way better to talk about the stress in my life and have people laugh. It shows me I’m not alone,” he says. Unlike touring comics who might just pop in and perform, Patterson is looking to do more around town during his three-night stop at Wiseguys: “I usually just like to walk around the city. Grab a cup of coffee. Talk to the people on the street. Maybe start a revolution,” he says. “Also, I love the people of Salt Lake; some of the nicest people in the country,” he continues. “I try and hang out after every show and say hi to as many people as I can and meet some new friends.” (Gavin Sheehan) Lachlan Patterson @ Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West, 801-532-5233, Dec. 8, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 9-10, 7:30 & 9 p.m., $15. WiseguysComedy.com

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SATURDAY 12.10

Utah Symphony with Cirque Musica

FRIDAY 12.9

Irving Berlin’s White Christmas

THURSDAY 12.8

Lachlan Patterson

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THURSDAY 12.8

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14 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

A&E

VISUAL ART

DAVID BADDLEY

Merry Christmas to Mall

An empty Gateway storefront views the horizon from a unique artistic angle. BY BRIAN STAKER comments@cityweekly.net @stakerized

he shopping mall has been, for the last half century or so, the landscape of consumerist fantasy. The massive, homogenous retail centers perfectly represent French philosopher Jean Baudrillard’s concept of the “simulacrum”—the simulation of an object or environment that doesn’t exist in the real world. In the 21st century, however, this environment is being transformed by social and economic changes—including online shopping—and what it’s becoming isn’t exactly apparent yet. One downtown project may provide some clues. Local photographer/video artist David Baddley has created a simulacrum of sorts in his video installation “Garrapata Diagonal,” part of the Art Shop Project at The Gateway, in which local artists were given the windows of vacant storefronts in the mall to use as blank canvases for their art. The video installation, which loops continuously, is 10 minutes of diagonally shot footage of the ocean at Garrapata State Park, near Carmel, Calif. It’s projected on the back wall of the storefront, located southwest of the mall’s fountain, and curves around store walls, where chandeliers cast shadows. Baddley explained the project in a conversation with City Weekly at the site of the installation. “I was really attracted to the idea of projecting an image from nature onto, or appropriating, a vacant space,” he says. “The walls and decorative elements are an important component of the work.” The Westminster College professor has exhibited photography widely, but in recent years, branched out into video work, and this is part of a series. “The longest line you see in nature is the horizon, but when you look at a photographic image, the longest line is the diagonal,” he says. In a work in which no human presence is seen, the tilt is a reminder that the image was created by a human with a camera, and only really exists in the eye of the viewer. Watching the rhythmic ocean waves repeat their sequence on an angle, you feel like you might fall off the edge of the earth. Looking through the window has you

looking west, in the same direction as the footage was shot just as dusk was settling in, and it’s somehow both soothing and menacing. All other works in the project use just front window displays, but to see this decontextualized video sequence filling the area of an empty retail space is slightly unnerving. The California of Carmel and other seaside spots were the end of the American frontier—the imperative to “go West.” That exploration found us by the 1960s, at the height of shopping-mall culture, turning inward (think of the Mad Men finale). This chapter in the saga of shopping malls and our consumerist society involves empty storefronts, and can’t help but feel slightly dystopian, like something out of a J.G. Ballard novel. The wiring, bursting through floor tiles, resembles a wild, undeterred plant. As of press time, eight of 10 participating artists’ names and projects had been released, including Baddley, University of Utah sculpture student Camille Overmore, artist/architect Soon-Ju Kwon, paper sculpture by Brady Petersen, an untitled sculpture by Sarina Villareal, handpainted sign artists Sign Witches, vinyl animal window appliques by U of U graduate student Sarah Peterson, and an installation featuring hand-cut Ty vek (a high-density synthetic material) by the U’s College of Fine Arts intern Briana McLaren. Bergendi Hatch—creative director for Vestar, the management company that purchased the Gateway a year ago—says the project is part of the company’s plans to revitalize the venue. “We’re transitioning from the regular ‘mall’ concept into a spot

David Baddley’s “Garrapata Diagonal”

that’s more community-driven, more activated and more specific to urban Salt Lake City,” she says. “One of our primary goals with the next phase is to distill some of the best, most unique parts of the city into one downtown, always-on hub.” Public art planned for the property might include everything from performing arts to murals, scultpure and digital art. Baddley’s visual commentary on this space is purposely short on narrative. You might think that Vestar’s strategy is a concession to City Creek Center in the retail arena, but it’s also a bracing attempt to actually “think different”—once a slogan of Apple, a retailer who left for City Creek. Technology has to some degree reinforced a sense of alienation in our society, but maybe here it can help turn us back to nature and community. For Baddley, it’s vital: “I use technology, but I also consider myself to be part of nature,” he says. “I feel like we’re part of the land; we’re part of the ocean, and I think, part of our challenge is coming to terms with how technologically advanced we are and still how much a part of nature we are, and how important nature is to us.” CW

ART SHOP PROJECT

Gateway Mall 18 N. Rio Grande St. 801-456-0000 Through Dec. 31 ShopTheGateway.com

moreESSENTIALS

PERFORMANCE THEATER

A Christmas Carol Hale Center Theater Orem, 225 W. 400 North, Orem, 801-226-8600, through Dec. 23, times vary, HaleTheater.org A Fairly Potter Christmas Carol The Ziegfeld Theater, 3934 S. Washington Blvd., Ogden, 855944-2787, through Dec. 23, days and times vary, TheZiegfeldTheater.com Diary of a Worm, a Spider, and a Fly Salt Lake Acting Co., 168 W. 500 North, 801363-7522, through Dec. 28, times vary, SaltLakeActingCompany.org Irving Berlin’s White Christmas Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main, Salt Lake City, 801-355-2787, Dec. 6, 8-11, times vary, ArtSaltLake.org (see p. 13) The Night Before Christmas Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. 300 South, Salt Lake City, 801355-2787, Dec. 9-10, times vary, ArtSaltLake.org Nutcracker: Men in Tights Desert Star Playhouse, 4861 S. State, Murray, 801-266-

2600, through Dec. 31, DesertStar.biz Oliver! Pioneer Theatre Co., 300 S. 1400 East, Ste. 205, Salt Lake City, 801-581-6961, through Dec. 17, times vary, PioneerTheatre.org (see p. 13)

DANCE

A Christmas Carol Ballet Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. 300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-355-2787, Dec. 12, 7 p.m., ArtSaltLake.org Ballet West: The Nutcracker Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South, Salt Lake City, 801-355-2787, through Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m.; Saturday matinee, 2 p.m., BalletWest.org Mountain West Ballet: The Nutcracker Mount Jordan Middle School, 9351 S. Mountaineer Lane, Sandy, 801-572-6222, Dec. 9-20, 7:30 p.m.; Saturday matinees, noon & 4 p.m., MountainWestBallet.org The ReduxNut-Cracker Kingsbury Hall, 1395 Presidents Circle, Salt Lake City, 801-581-7100, Dec. 14-23, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 17 matinee, 2 p.m., OdysseyDance.com/New

CLASSICAL & SYMPHONY

BYU Chamber Orchestra: Dances Around the World de Jong Concert Hall, 150 E. Bulldog Blvd., Provo,

801-422-2981, Dec. 8, 7:30 p.m., Arts.BYU.edu Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Christmas Concert LDS Conference Center, 60 W. North Temple, Salt Lake City, 801-570-0080, Dec. 11-14, 8 p.m., sold out, MormonTabernacleChoir.org Utah Symphony with Cirque Musica Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, 801-5336683, Dec. 9, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 10, 11 a.m. & 7:30 p.m., $21, UtahSymphony.org (see p. 13) Vivaldi by Candlelight: A Benefit Concert First Presbyterian Church, 12 C St., Dec. 10, 8 p.m., Vivaldi.BrownPaperTickets.com

COMEDY & IMPROV

Comedy Cares Wiseguys, 194 S. 400 West, Salt Lake City, 801-532-5233, Dec. 11, 7 p.m., WiseguysComedy.com David Heti Sandy Station, 8925 S. Harrison St., Sandy, 801-255-2078, Dec. 9, 8:30 p.m., SandyStation.com Lachlan Patterson Wiseguys, 194 S. 400 West, Salt Lake City, 801-532-5233, Dec. 8 & 10, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 9, 7 p.m; Dec. 9-10, 9:30 p.m., WiseguysComedy.com (see p. 13) Todd Johnson Wiseguys, 269 25th St., Ogden, 801463-2909, Dec. 9-10, 8 p.m., WiseguysComedy.com

LITERATURE AUTHOR APPEARANCES

Brian Russo: Yoga Bunny The King’s English Bookshop, 1511 S. 1500 East, 801-484-9100, Dec. 10, 2 p.m., KingsEnglish.com Suzette Richardson: If I Had Lived in Bethlehem Barnes & Noble, 5249 S. State, Murray, 801-2614040, Dec. 10, noon-4 p.m., BarnesAndNoble.com Andrew Hunt: Desolation Flats The King’s English Bookshop, 1511 S. 1500 East, 801-4849100, Dec. 12, 7 p.m., KingsEnglish.com

SPECIAL EVENTS FESTIVALS, FAIRS & MARKETS

Dickens Christmas Festival South Towne Exposition Center, 9575 S. State, Sandy, Dec. 8-10, 10 a.m.-9 p.m., DickensChristmasFestival.com Downtown Artist Collective Holiday Market 258 E. 100 South, through Dec. 24, ThursdaySunday, DowntownArtistCollective.org Park Silly Holiday Bazaar Park City Marriott, 1895 Sidewinder Drive, Dec. 9-11,

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moreESSENTIALS ParkCitySundayMarket.com Winter Market Rio Grande Depot, 300 S. Rio Grande St., Salt Lake City, through April 22, 2017, Saturdays, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., SLCFarmersMarket.org

TALKS & LECTURES

Ambassador Wendy Chamberlin Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801328-4201, Dec. 8, 7 p.m., UtahMOCA.org An Evening with Adam Savage Eccles Center, 1750 Kearns Blvd., Park City, 435-655-3114, Dec. 10, 7:30 p.m., EcclesCenter.org

SEASONAL EVENTS

UPCOMING GAMES FRIDAY, DEC. 9 / SATURDAY, DEC. 10, 7PM Weekend Special $20 Combo: Lower Bowl Ticket, Gyro, Soft Drink Saturday Is Star Wars Night

FRIDAY, DEC. 16 / SATURDAY, DEC. 17, 7PM Weekend Special $20 Combo: Lower Bowl Ticket, Chicken Cheesesteak Sandwich, Soft Drink

Friday: Teddy Bear Toss: Bring a Stuffed Animal To Throw on the ice after Grizzlies First Goal for local children during the holidays

Saturday: Postgame Skate With Team: Skate Rental $2

AND BUY TICKETS NOW AT

UTAHGRIZZLIES.COM

Bonnie Harris Christmas concert Utah Cultural Celebration Center, 1355 W. 3100 South, West Valley City, 801-965-5100, Dec. 12, 7 p.m., CulturalCelebration.org Brunch with Santa Sheraton Salt Lake City Hotel, 150 W. 500 South, Dec. 10 & 17, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., SheratonSaltLakeCityHotel.com Christmas in Color Ed Mayne Street, near Utah Olympic Oval, Kearns, through Dec. 31, MondayThursday, 5:30-10 p.m.; Friday-Saturday, 5:30-11 p.m., ChristmasInColor.net Christmas Village Ogden Amphitheater & City Hall Park, 343 E. 25th St., Ogden, 801-6298214, through Jan. 1, 5 p.m.-midnight, free, ChristmasVillageMap.OgdenCity.com GENTRI: Finding Christmas Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, Salt Lake City, 801-355-2787, Dec. 12, 7:30 p.m., ArtSaltLake.org Holiday Lights Art at the Main, 210 E. 400 South, 801-363-4088, through Jan. 4, ArtAtTheMain.com Luminaria: Experience the Light Ashton Gardens at Thanksgiving Point, 3900 N. Garden Drive, Lehi, through Dec. 31, ThanksgivingPoint.org

VISUAL ART GALLERIES & MUSEUMS

Alyce Carrier: Old Work Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, Salt Lake City, 801-3284201, through Jan. 14, UtahMOCA.org Art Shop Project Gateway Mall, 18 N. Rio Grande St., 801-456-0000, through Dec. 31, ShopTheGateway.com (see p. 14) Ben Steele: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Modern West Fine Art, 177 E. 200 South, Salt Lake City, 801-355-3383, through Jan. 14, ModernWestFineArt.com The Book of Love: Mixed Media Artwork by Todd Anderson Marmalade Library, 280 W. 500 North, 801-594-8680, through Dec. 9, SLCPL.org Bridgette Meinhold: Under the Same Sky MAR Gallery 436 Main, Park City, 435-649-3001, through Dec. 24, GalleryMAR.com Drew Conrad: The Desert Is A Good Place To Die CUAC, 175 E. 200 South, Salt Lake City, 385-215-6768, through Jan. 13, CUArtCenter.org Glass At The Garden Red Butte Garden, 300 Wakara Way, Salt Lake City, 801-585-0556, through Dec. 18, RedButteGarden.org Glorious Nature: Photography by Paul J. Marto Jr. Salt Lake City Chapman Library, 577 S. 900 West, 801-594-8623, through Dec. 29, SLCPL.org Holly Manneck: Popped & Twisted Kimball Art Center, 638 Park Ave., Salt Lake City, 435-6498882, through Jan. 8, KimballArtCenter.org Jazmine Martinez: Ciclo Vital Mestizo Institute of Culture & Arts, 631 W. North Temple, Ste. 700, Salt Lake City, 801-596-0500, through Jan. 14, Facebook.com/MestizoArts Megan Gibbons: Beyond the Narrative Alice Gallery, 617 E. South Temple, 801-236-7555, through Jan. 13, Monday-Friday, VisualArts.Utah.org

Yift

For Cheepskates For Booze Hounds For Foodies For Kiddos For Audiophiles For Co-workers For Art Snobs For Expats For Adventurous Types For Those You Hate

19 20 22 24 26 27 28 29 30 32

’16

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 17

—Enrique Limón

CITYWEEKLY.NET

t’s the most wonderful time of the year! In opposite land. Seriously, who among us actually likes Christmas shopping? ’Tis the season for gift cards you bought at the grocery store check-out lane as an afterthought, and semi-new objects lying around the house you’re sure you still have the original box for somewhere. Tie a curly ribbon around those Isotoners, et voilà. If you’re like me, the joy of Christmas shopping past has given way to a dreadful chain-dragging task that sees you driving around town in a stupor only to be stumped time after time by what to give that one hardto-shop-for person. This year, City Weekly contributors have taken the guesswork out of it by assembling a comprehensive list of ideas suitable for 10 different personalities. I see you rolling your (snake) eyes, Oogie Boogie. Clearly this is just a way of appeasing advertisers, right? Wrong. No amount of chocolate coins can get you on this nice list. Can’t find what you want at Macy’s, Mr. Kringle? Well it just so happens that Salt Lake City has an array of specialty retailers that’ll be pleased as (spiced) punch to help you find something unique that’ll stuff a stocking just right. Put the cookie-cutter scarf set down. In these pages you’ll learn how to up your Secret Santa game with fresh gift ideas for your co-workers (p. 27). You’ll also be able to wrap up a slice of nostalgia for former Beehive dwellers (p. 29) and keep noses Rudolph red with some boozy suggestions (p. 20). Yes, Virginia, there is overdraft protection available on your debit card. Luckily for you, our list for cheapskates (p. 19) packs a wallop with items priced at 10 bucks or less. We also set a festive table for the foodie (p. 22) and prop up a blank canvas for the art snob (p. 28) in your life. Music lovers, we give some love to you, too, because even auricles need a hand (p. 26). And while our cynical journalist hearts might be two sizes too small, we haven’t forgotten about the wee ones (p. 24). What’s that, kid? You want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200 shot-range model air rifle? I respect your Second Amendment rights, but you’ll shoot your eye out. Settle for a sampler of America’s great outdoors instead with a National Parks Pass (p. 30). Finally, no list would be complete without a few ideas for those you hate (p. 32). That’ll silent their night, alright. Seriously, I could go on all day with these references. So take it from someone whose beard doesn’t have one of those things that goes over his ears: These items are sure to keep that special someone on your list rockin’ around the Christmas tree year-round. Though, if they don’t kick that thing to the curb by New Year’s, you should really consider expanding your social circle.

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Cheepskates For

Wow ’em without breaking the bank.

By Enrique Limón

1. Brick Capsule ($9.99)

2. Cahoots Original Soaps ($5.95)

3. “Fancy” Wasabi Candy Canes ($4.95)

Employ these bad boys when those cutesy chocolates fashioned to look like coal just don’t cut it. Hang a couple on the office Christmas tree, scatter some in the break room and surreptitiously leave one behind on Beth from accounting’s desk. Wait a few minutes and grin a Grinchy grin as what was perceived to be minty goodness quickly turns into a pungent horseradish roundhouse-kick to your prey’s tastebuds. What’s that, Beth? Your kingdom for some milk? Sorry boo, that’s for Santa. 552 S. 602 East, Salt Lake City. 801-363-0828, cabinfevercards.com

4. Handmade Shrinky Dinks Pins ($6)

Think of Daley’s Clothing in Sugar House as a one-stop shop for the modern gentleman. It’s stocked with everything from high-quality denim and flannel to vegan Dr. Martens, Biltwell moto helmets and boutique beard oil and hair pomade. Nowadays, however, no look is complete without a pin … or five. Along with enamel and mini-button offerings, Daley’s stocks Shrinky Dinks creations by local artist Chloe Monson that keep with her SLC Pink aesthetic and pay playful homage to the “badass ladies” that have inspired her career. Best part is, the arty accessories are Ula, the in-store cat, approved. 817 E. 2100 South, Salt Lake City. 801-735-1422, daleysclothing.tumblr.com

5. Christmas Taffy ($7.50)

Adhering to the slogan “Perfection in confection,” Taffy Town celebrates delivering the sweet goods for its 100th Christmas this year. To commemorate the occasion, why not gift someone special their gourmet salt water taffy? With an innumerable list of flavors in its roster (carrot cake being the latest addi-

tion), TT unloads this greatest-hits medley just in time for the holidays, packed with eggnog, cranberry, cookie and mint flavored taffy. It’s perfect for when you want to say I care and I hope you lose a crown. 55 W. 800 South, Salt Lake City. 801-355-4652, taffytown.com

6. Poop Emoji Socks at Spark ($10)

If the fine folks over at Time magazine are looking to reconsider their person of the year, they should look no further than their smartphones. The smiley brown icon became a silent but powerful symbol during the presidential election as hackers managed to place it as the banner image on Trump’s website during voting day; parody artist Hansky created an impressive fly-ridden Trumpoo-moji graffiti hybrid in the streets of New York over the summer that went viral; and back in March, one local protested the Orange One’s presence at the Infinity Event Center with a clever sign featuring the emoticon and the slogan “Dump Trump.” Caca comrades, unite! 310 S. 700 East, Salt Lake City. 801-467-1574, trolleysquare.com/spark

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 19

Want to knock it outta the park with a gift that’s funny, useful and will actually make the recipient smell better? Gag retailer extraordinaire Cahoots on 9th and 9th has you covered with their line of in-house soaps. Grab a bar of “Virgin Restoration” or

“Wash Away Your Sins: Utah Valley Mormon” edition and watch the cleansing unfold. The line also includes a breast enlargement version (“lather breasts with vigor,” the instructions read) and a penis enlargement one that comes with a wanting: “If enlargement lasts for more than 4 hours, you da man.” The jury is still out on whether or not that last one works. I mean, not that I would ever need such a product … shit. 878 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-538-0606, cahootssaltlake.com

CITYWEEKLY.NET

Conceptualized just outside Bear Lake, Brick Capsules are pretty much metal boxes for you to store treasures to be revealed at a later date (you choose anywhere between 10-100 years). In the meantime, they’re stored at the site that once housed Idaho’s Bank of Montpellier as an homage to Butch Cassidy, who along with two other outlaws held up the bank in 1896, and according to lore, was forced to stash some of the loot inside a brick so it wouldn’t weigh them down. Who on earth will find your “treasure” is unknown. The company’s website suggests you hide “a poem, a wish, a hope” inside. Another option would be a flash drive loaded with news footage of Electoral College results being called in on Nov. 8, so one day extraterrestrials can understand the planet’s demise. brickcapsule.com

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Booze Hounds For

Xmas cheers guaranteed to make your holiday spirited. By Darby Doyle

1. Boozetique Gift Basket ($75+)

If you only have time for one stop on your mission to outfit the cocktail-crazy cousin in your life, head to Boozetique. Conveniently located just around the corner from the top-flight State Wine Store on 3rd & 3rd downtown, Boozetique’s owner, Ivy Earnest, has accumulated accoutrements for any wine, beer or cocktail occasion, from recycled Utah brewery label coasters ($9) to cocktail mixers ($12-$25) to a gorgeous selection of decanters ($30+) and vintage glassware. And she’s got some of the best professional bartending equipment available in SLC; I’ve got the weighted Piña Founder’s Tin shaker on my wish list ($27.99). For all purchases over $75, Ivy will put together a custom wood gift box with all the finished wrapping details included; you just need to sign the card. 315 E. 300 South, Salt Lake City. 801-363-3939, boozetiqueslc.com

2. Beehive-Made Cocktail Bitters ($13.50-$24)

Did you know that some of the best artisan bitters made in the nation are being bottled up right here in Utah? Three local companies—Beehive Bitters Co., Bitters Lab and Honest John Bitters Co.—have captured the attention of cocktail enthusiasts with rave reviews. Both Beehive Bitters and Bitters Lab are available at Caputo’s Markets (caputosdeli.com) and Boozetique

(see above). Honest John Bitters are available at The Rest (331 S. Main, Salt Lake City. 801-532-4452, bodega331.com) where the stellar barkeeps there will gladly set up a tasting flight (fee varies) if you’d like to try before you buy. bitterslab.com, beehivebitters.com, honestjohnbitters.com

3. Home Brewing Starter Kit ($84.95)

Give the gift that keeps on giving: all the basic equipment needed to get going with craft home brewing starting with 5 gallon batches. Kit includes priming, fermenting and bottling equipment, a hydrometer and the other necessary gizmos. A homebrew handbook rounds out the education component. Add a gift certificate from The Beer Nut so your newly obsessed brewing buddy can keep going back for more yeast and geek out on supplies all year round. 1200 S. State, Salt Lake City. 801- 531-8182, beernut.com

4. Viski Faceted Crystal Tumblers ($31.95, set of two)

An elegant and captivating spin on the traditional rocks glass, these delicate tumblers for sale at Hip & Humble are a terrific gift alone or gifted alongside an excellent bottle of whiskey. The trigonal nine-sided glasses tip by degrees to sit flat in every direction while the liquid stays in the 11-ounce glass (whoops! I meant to do

that!). If you catch the light the right way, the cut crystal disperses light prism-like through the liquor during sipping. Multiple locations, hipandhumble.com

5. Beehive Distilling Women’s T-Shirt ($20)

Show your support for Utah-made gin and make a lady mighty happy with this women’s-cut super soft poly blend tee. Bonus points: The very tasteful branding silkscreened on heathered gray looks great on everybody. Yeah, they make them in versions for dudes, too. beehivedistilling.com

6. Wine Pairing Dinner ($85, includes cooking class and wine pairings)

Wine education classes at Harmons Grocery include the best of both worlds: You can learn some tips on preparing stellar cuisine while also exploring the best wines from all over the world to go along with them. Book it now as a gift and go with your bestie to the Bangerter Crossing class in January featuring Pacific Northwest seafood paired with unique wines from the region. harmonsgrocery.com/classes

7. Epic Brewing Six-Pack Go-Bag (price varies)

For the highbrow hops-lover in your life, Epic Brewing has you covered. Fill up one of

their convenient carry-out bags ($3.99) with six bottles of their award-winning brew ($3.15-$15.99) or equally enticing swag like T-shirts ($21.99), hats of all brim capabilities and glassware to ideally suit the brews you choose ($3.99-$5.99). Pick up a growler togo for yourself while you’re at it ($10-$30 for ½ gallon draft beer + $6 growler). Epic Brewing Co.: 825 S. State, Salt Lake City. 801-906-0123, epicbrewing.com

8. Ho, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Rum (prices vary)

The Utah craft distillery scene is booming in almost every booze category from bourbon to vodka, with local juice now available on the shelves of most State Liquor Stores. Even better? Go straight to the source while you shop: Treat yourself to a tour (book online first) and tasting, then pick up a bottle or two for gifting. In addition to that eggnog-ready bottle of rum, these spots have gift shops brimming with locally made mixers and righteous swag. Sugar House Distillery: 2212 S. West Temple, Ste. 14, Salt Lake City. 801-726-0403, sugarhousedistillery.net Dented Brick Distillery: 3100 S. Washington St., Salt Lake City. 801-883-9837, dentedbrick.com Distillery 36: 2374 S. Redwood Road, West Valley City. 801-983-7303, distillery36.com Outlaw Distillery: 552 W. 8360 South, Midvale. 801-706-1428, outlawdistillery.com

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Foodies For

Go loco for locavores!

By Alex Springer

1. For the Conscious Carnivore: Meat Shares from Beltex Meats ($120)

Remember when it was easy to get meat that wasn’t juiced up with hormones and antibiotics? I sure don’t. But the folks at Beltex Meats do, and they’re looking to bring those days back. They only source humanely raised livestock, and their butchers pride themselves on their work as a whole-animal shop—none of the noble beast that gave its life for the sake of deliciousness goes to waste. Their monthly meat shares are perfect for that friend of yours who likes steak but hates factory farming. 511 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-532-2641, beltexmeats.com

2. For the Connoisseur: Classes at Caputo’s Market & Deli ($25+)

We all have that one foodie friend that is on some sort of crusade to learn all there is to know about chocolate, cheese or craft spirits. Regardless of that friend’s current culinary obsession, Caputo’s offers several different classes in which experienced professionals like affineuse (your friend should know that word—unless she’s a poser). Antonia Horne guides attendees through the nuances of tasting the local delicacies that Caputo’s is so passionate about. Multiple locations, caputosdeli.com

3. For the Happy Couple: An Evening with SLC Pop ($75)

Katie Weinner is one of Salt Lake’s finest chefs (you might remember the ass that she kicked on Top Chef back in 2014). When not teaching at the Art Institute of Salt Lake, she hosts some of the most imaginative dinner parties I’ve ever seen. Event locations vary, and guests aren’t provided a menu, making the whole thing unfold like a surreal gastronomic dream. For the spine-crushingly cool couple in your life who is on the lookout for an unconventionally awesome date, look no further. Locations vary, slcpop.com

4. For the Active Foodie: Snack Bundles from Allgood Provisions ($18.95+)

For most of my life, I thought being passionate about food and being passionate about being active were mutually exclusive. After expanding my social circle, I’ve come to realize that people who happen to like riding bikes when they could be driving, really, can also enjoy a good snack. Even though I might never understand why some of my friends actually choose to run marathons, I plan on stocking them up with some bundles of organic, GMO-free nuts and dried fruit from Allgood Provisions. Multiple locations, 855-856-0345, allgoodprovisions.com

5. For the Inactive Foodie: An Evening with Dinner at Yours ($99)

Whether it’s due to a traumatic experience with an underseasoned filet or the general ennui that comes from too many improperly poached eggs, not all foodies like going out to eat (mind blown, I know). For that friend who loves food but hates socializing, Dinner at Yours is a perfect option. Once you book, a trained chef will arrive at your door with everything necessary to whip up a gourmet four-course dinner. The chefs use the utensils that guests have on hand, and they even do the dishes when they’re through working their culinary magic. How great is that? 1701 Student Life Way, Salt Lake City. 801-810-9547, dinneratyours.com

6. For the Juvenile Foodie: Junior Chef Classes at the Salt Lake Culinary Center ($77)

If you have a younger sibling, niece or nephew that has all the makings of a bona fide food snob, it’s time to prep that kid for celebrity chefdom so they can buy you a Maserati when you retire. The Salt Lake Culinary Center offers a wide variety of junior chef classes that will serve up an awesome cooking-based educational experience for kids—or at least get them out of their parents’ hair for a whole afternoon. 2233 S. 300 East, Salt Lake City. 801-464-0113, saltlakeculinarycenter.com

7. For the Chocolate Lover: Cocoa Nibs from Amano Artisan Chocolate ($11.95)

There are many items made by Amano Artisan Chocolate that will make the cocoa bean enthusiast in your life drool like a lobotomized dog. Founder and Head Chocolate Maker Art Pollard travels the world for the beans that make up his heady arsenal of chocolate bars, but his roasted Cocoa Nibs—made wth premium fair-trade cacao—will capture your chocolate-loving friend’s heart. Twenty years into Pollard’s “quest for the ultimate chocolate,” the journey is complete. 450 S. 1325 West St., Orem. 801-655-1996, amanochocolate.com

8. For the Wine Snob: Park City Wine Club Membership ($30; $55 for two)

Instead of embarrassing yourself by getting a nice Bardolino for a friend who actually prefers a full-bodied Barolo, hook them up with a membership to the Park City Wine Club. Not only do members enjoy monthly events in both Park City and SLC but they also get access to wine sales that aren’t available anywhere else. Plus, it will give them the opportunity to hang with people who actually know the difference between a Bardolino and a Barolo instead of your uncultured, PBR-drinking ass. Chin-chin! 801-201-4282, parkcitywineclub.com

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Kiddos For the

Christmas is for them too, we guess.

By Sarah Arnoff

1. Japanese-Inspired Onesies, Shirts and Sweaters ($20-$37)

Your little fashionista will definitely enjoy these kawaii-inspired minimalist designs locally screen-printed on super soft fabric. Influenced by her son’s love of burgers, nature, outer space and doughnuts, Mochi Kids owner Amanda Stewart creates apparel patterns to be appealing to both kids and adults. Sporting a top adorned with a smiley cactus, gingerbread man or happy bowl of soba noodles, your lil’ shorty will be the most stylish kid on the playground. etsy.com/shop/mochikids

2. Slot Racing Track ($49.99)

Though our world and our kids are getting more technologically savvy, iPhones and virtual reality games can’t compare to sitting around an old-fashioned slot racing track. You might have to demonstrate how to physically hold the hand throttle, but if your kids can master configuring your Wi-Fi to set up your new Chromecast, they’ll have this down in no time for hours of racing fun. Hammond Toys, multiple locations. hammondtoy.com

3. Snap Circuit Smart Electronic Set ($29.99)

Experimentation abounds with this multicircuit science kit. Your future Nikola Tesla

can assemble a gaggle of gadgets with the reusable snap circuits, including a lamp, FM radio and voice-controlled doorbell. This kit is as cool as it is nerdy, and users can discover the wonders of electricity by building the included example devices or create something completely new from the inner workings of their mad-scientist brains. Hammond Toys, multiple locations. hammondtoy.com

4. Animal Baby Caps ($28)

Babies tend not to care what types of gifts they receive and they could probably care even less about the kind of adorable hat Mom and Dad fit on their head and fawn over. These fun animal caps (unicorn, fox, raccoon and more) available at Babinski’s Baby are the perfect intersection of cuteness and function, keeping baby’s ears toasty with fuzzy lining or thick-knitted Icelandic yarn. You’ll wish you had one to match. 1324 Foothill Drive, Salt Lake City. 801-583-2229, babinskis.com

5. Speed Skating Lessons ($55)

After the whirlwind of the sugar-binging holidays is over, get your kids out of the house and into a new hobby with Utah Olympic Oval’s short-track speed skating classes. Kiddos as young as 5 can strap on a pair of specialty skates (no need to buy your own; you can rent them at the

facility) and learn essential short-track techniques on the “Fastest Ice on Earth.” Enrollees should already be comfortable with skating basics. Hockey, figure skating and curling classes are also available. 5662 Cougar Lane, Salt Lake City. 801-968-6825, utaholympiclegacy.org/oval

item in the online shop to add more dolls as needed), kids will have oodles of fun capturing their own likeness or those of their family members. And they can play make-believe with their handywork for years to come. etsy.com/shop/tiffanyleestudios

6. Mini Doodle Kit ($13)

A little bit of yarn here, some felt there, a touch of glue, and voilà: a soft, fuzzy friend of your own creation. This simple kit is great for crafty kids with a love for plush. Their new floppy-eared companion will accompany them on many an adventure and is sure to be a great snuggle buddy as well. The Children’s Hour, 898 S. 900 East, Salt Lake City. 801-359-4150, childrenshourbookstore.com

Perfect for keeping little hands busy on the go, this mini doodle kit includes eight colored pencils, an eraser and pencil sharpener along with a coloring book of 18 images waiting to be brightened up. Tuck this kit into a handbag or back pocket in case of drawn-out doctor’s office visits or to have on hand when your child’s inner artist strikes. Pair with the vintage letterpress rubber stamp kit ($16) for extra creativity. The Children’s Hour, 898 S. 900 East, Salt Lake City. 801-359-4150, childrenshourbookstore.com

7. Custom Wooden Peg Doll Craft Set ($21.60)

Herriman’s Tiffany Lee Studios carries an array of themed peg-doll sets, from circus family to robots, but this set of blank dolls gives your child the chance to creatively envision your own family—or invent a new one. Complete with paint, brushes and five wooden dolls (you can request a custom

8. Pom Pom Bunny Kit ($23)

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DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 25

Artisan Chocolate Voluspa Candles Local Jewelry Dog Treats Handcrafted Tea Butterfly Essential Oils

CITYWEEKLY.NET

Gifts for Everyone!

CITYWEEKLY.NET

26 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

Audiophiles For

Do you hear what we hear?

By Randy Harward

1. Jaybird X3 Wireless Earbuds ($130)

Active audiophiles will enjoy these Bluetooth earbuds from West Valley-based Jaybird Sport. Snug-fitting and sweatproof, they come with three sizes of foam and silicone ear tips, and secure-fit ear fins so they won’t fall out. A full charge provides eight hours of music, and they’re compatible with any Bluetooth device. The connectivity, by the way, is excellent and you can even pair with up to eight devices at a time, and use the Jaybird MySound app to customize EQ settings. Now you can get funky while you get funky! jaybirdsport.com

2. Music (any price of your choosing)

What else you gonna get your musicloving pal? But do you feel confident locating an elusive treasure to fill a hole in their vast, Viking-style hoard? Never mind what the previous list said, gift cards stimulate our instinct to hunt down our own discs, tapes and wax at local merchants like Diabolical Records, Sound & Vision, The Heavy Metal Shop, Raunch Records, Albatross Recordings & Ephemera, Graywhale and Randy’s Records. Don’t forget

the stocking stuffers: Diabolical has 5-by7 notebooks ($3) so both your music and your wishlist can be analog; Diabolical and Albatross offer tote bags ($12), and most local record shops have killer Tshirts. Check out Diabolical’s holiday design this year, with a subtly be-mittened Baphomet on tees ($15) or sweatshirts ($25) in English or Spanish. recordstoreday.com/stores

3. Hyperfunctional Guitars ($1,000-$2,000); Space Invaders P.A. Speaker Cabinets ($200-$300)

SLC musician and relentless tinkerer David Payne’s (Red Bennies, Starmy) “hyperfunctional” guitars feature his innovative pickup-wiring method and handcrafted, frictionless, balanced-tension Fibralten vibrato system—plus in-guitar pre- and post-amps by local gear wizard Ned Clayton for an incredibly broad tonal spectrum. That means one guitar can sound thin like a Stratocaster or fat like a Les Paul. Payne’s revolutionary “hyperdirectional” P.A. speaker cabinets work with room acoustics to become omnidirectional, shooting sound everywhere while retaining acoustic integrity. Their retro ar-

cade look is pretty snazzy, too. Order now; it takes 1-3 months to deliver a guitar, and one month for the speaker. Now, If only they could improve your playing ...

Rest 30 Records, rest30.com

4. Samsonite Suitcase Amplifier ($300)

South Weber musician and amplifier maker Ryan Hawthorn (Pinetop Inferno) turns old suitcases into rad portable street-corner amps. In spite of its seemingly piddly 9-volt, ½-watt power, they’re plenty loud and sound great. They come in three sizes, feature Warehouse Guitar Speakers American Vintage series speakers and offer color choices on the grill cloth, retro chicken head knobs and LED lights. Some stock is available on reverb.com. Custom builds take 1-2 weeks plus shipping time, if applicable. @hawthornelectricarts on Instagram

5. DOD Carcosa Fuzz Pedal ($100); EvilTone TapEcho Pedal ($349)

DOD guitar effects are manufactured under the umbrella of South Jordan-based Harman International. Their new Carcosa Fuzz recreates classic tones and enables new and freakier ones with its extreme

bias control. EvilTone, founded earlier this year by engineering student Zach Griffen and former Harman engineer Jason Lamb (RIP) boasts six different pedals. Its 600-millisecond TapEcho is the standout. Smartly designed and made with “primo” parts, it gives you the classic short slapecho, a feedback vortex, analog delay, tape warble and flanged vibrato. dod.com, eviltoneeffects.com

6. Custom Turntables and Speakers (prices vary)

Above all, audiophiles want perfect sound. But it doesn’t hurt if your system looks awesome, too. So hit up E3 Modern for the coolest custom turntables and speakers in town. The massive, steampunk-ish contraptions in E3’s downtown showroom (and the one across from the counter at Albatross) sound incredible and look like they could turn you into liquid at full blast. Each one is as unique as a snowflake. They might take up to six months to build, but it’ll be worth the wait when you become the King of Rock Mountain and can turn your enemies into soup. 315 E. 300 South, Salt Lake City. 801-363-3939, facebook.com/e3modern

Co-workers For

Upgrade your white elephant exchange now. Ask us how!

By Westin Porter

1. Ashman Candle Co.’s Premium Scented Jar Candles ($16.95)

Looking for the perfect way to reward your cubicle partner for putting up with your Bernie Sanders email forwards all year like a champ? Look no further than Lindon, Utah’s own Ashman Candle Co. We all know our workspaces can get crowded, especially when one of us had Indian food for lunch. What better way to clear the air than with one of these premium jar candles? Try my personal favorite, “Country Cottage.” ashmancandles.com

4. “Experience Arts Salt Lake” ArtTix Gift Certificate (any price)

If your family is anything like mine, then every year you go through the painstaking process of choosing their gifts based on overheard conversation at Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, a gift card would make you both happier based on convenience alone, but you’ll likely be shunned by your Italian grandmother for getting a Macaroni Grill gift card. Fortunately, your co-worker couldn’t care less! Get them this gift card from Salt Lake County Center for the Arts and let them choose between great performances at Capitol Theatre, Abravanel Hall, the Eccles Theater and more! artsaltlake.org/gift-certificates

A true gift from the heart for any coworker who clocks in before 7 a.m., a 1-pound bag of whole or ground coffee beans from Ogden’s Grounds for Coffee is sure to keep you on the up and up with your fellow 9-to-5ers. Serving northern Utah since 1991, Grounds for Coffee is a staple for anyone who commutes along the Highway 89 corridor from Davis to Weber counties. Earn even extra love and have your order shipped directly to your co-workers door. Pro tip: Don’t be creepy when asking for their address. Multiple locations, groundsforcoffee.com

6. Utah Jazz “Fast Break” Holiday Ticket Package ($39+)

Thank God you can co-exist with your Trump-supporting colleague by engaging in mindless hours of basketball chatter. The real beauty to giving someone tickets to a Jazz game for Christmas is that they are thereby socially obligated to take you to at least one of the games. So reward yourself; share an event that will likely become small-talk fodder for weeks to come with the co-worker you have literally nothing else to talk about with, and make the office cooler great again. nba.com/jazz/holidays

7. Old Mousepad (probably around 99 cents at the D.I.)

Look, we all do it. Every year we’re forced into gifting something to someone we couldn’t care less about. What’s worse, we’ve all drawn the name of the one coworker we despise for an office gift exchange: The bozo that takes the last cup of coffee without ever considering starting another pot; the one that destroys the bathroom without even touching the Febreze; the office supply closet hoarder (seriously dude, what do you plan on doing with all those butterfly clamps?) What better way to get your vitriolic point across than with everybody’s favorite free gift from the ’90s? Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org

8. Peaches ’N’ Creme’s MoldieGoldies ($30)

Office crush? Christmastime is the perfect opportunity to go from breakroomsmalltalk to bedroom dirty-talk … right? In any case, this sassy “stretch peach lace top & tiny string thong” is sure to get the message across. Choose from a variety of womens’ clothing here as well for more or less formal occasions. Just be careful Paula in HR doesn’t catch wind. moldiegoldies.bigcartel.com

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 27

Jockeying for position on that new-year raise? Christmastime could be the perfect time to end the work year right with your boss. Gift her or him this beautiful rustic picture frame from Salt Lake’s own Signed & Numbered, and every time they look at that picture of their kids they put in it, they’ll also subliminally be thinking of you. It might just be crazy enough to work—either way, it’s a beautiful handcrafted frame for an affordable price. 2320 S. West Temple, Salt Lake City. 801-596-2093, etsy.com/shop/signedandnumbered

If the name you drew for this year’s office Secret Santa gift swap happens to be Ethel, Merna, Vera or Blanch; that is, if you happen to draw the sweet-old-office lady, then this Karbonz double-pointed needle set from local company Blazing Needles could very well just be the gift to get you buzz with the grandkids she’s always talking about. Play your cards right, and this gift might just give back in the form of some new knitted sock creation come springtime. 1356 S. 100 East, Salt Lake City. 801-487-5648, blazing-needles.com

5. Organic & Fair-trade Coffee Grounds ($15)

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2. Rustic Natural Reclaimed Cedar Picture Frame by Signed & Numbered ($18+)

3. Blazing Needles’ Karbonz Double-Pointed Needles ($12.85)

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28 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

Art Snobs For

Create a holiday memory with a gift that celebrates creativity.

By Scott Renshaw

1. Kimball Art Center Art Classes ($20+)

Even many lovers of art can be convinced that they themselves are not artists. Park City’s Kimball Art Center provides year-round proof to the contrary. Family classes allow all ages to work together on learning projects like wheel-throwing pottery and creating gingerbread houses. Children and youth can participate in age-appropriate classes to learn sculpture, painting and drawing, while adults have opportunities to dig into the finer points of anatomy for drawing the human figure, screen-printing or portraiture. It’s a chance to give a gift that could lead to the creation of other artistic gifts shared with the world. 1401 Kearns Blvd., Park City. 435-649-8882, kimballartcenter.org

2. Downtown Artist Collective Holiday Market Items

Those who love browsing through artists’ booths during summer farmers markets still have an opportunity to find unique creations from some of Utah’s most gifted local artists. The newly minted Downtown Artist Collective is a co-op venture providing studio space and support for artists. But during December, it’s also a place to shop for some of their work, from prints and paintings to small sculptures and distinctive crafts. If you have a chance to give a piece by Chris Bodily (his “Inevitable De-

cay” is pictured), Desarae Lee, Stephanie Swift, Chris Madsen and more than 20 other talented creators, why wouldn’t you grab it? 258 E. 100 South, Salt Lake City. downtownartistcollective.org

3. Salt Lake Film Society “Red Carpet Club” Annual Membership ($60+)

While multiplexes seem to offer little more than disappointing variations on franchise themes and reboot/sequel/reboot “imagination,” Salt Lake City’s own nonprofit arthouse theater continues to serve up a variety of independent American narratives, foreign-language features and compelling documentaries. The Salt Lake Film Society’s “Red Carpet Club” offers access to this content at a variety of levels to fit every possible budget for the aspiring Taratino on your list—from $60 for a year (discounted movie tickets and unlimited rentals from the Tower Video collection) to $5,000 (unlimited complimentary movie tickets for member and a guest, private Sundance Film Festival screenings, filmmaker luncheon and much more)—with several tiers in-between. saltlakefilmsociety.org

4. Utah Children’s Theatre Classes ($25+)

Is there a child or teen in your family who just can’t stop singing, dancing and

performing? Perhaps what they need is a place to nurture those gifts. Utah Children’s Theatre offers September-toMay afterschool classes in acting and musical theater, as well as fixed-term summer programs, and even private voice lessons. If you’re not quite sure which day or class is the best fit, buy a gift certificate ($10+) toward a future class. Let that singing include singing your praises for being so aware of their budding talents. 3605 S. State, Salt Lake City. 801-532-6000, uctheatre.org

5. Pretty much anything at the Utah Museum of Fine Arts Museum Store

The Utah Museum of Fine Arts is still undergoing renovation of its galleries, but the gift shop has re-opened just in time for the holidays, and just in time to enjoy its plentiful options for art-lovers. Pick up a coffee-table book celebrating significant local art works like Nancy Holt’s “Sun Tunnels,” or jewelry from one of many local artists. The shop is also a wonderful resource for parents trying to raise artloving kids, with coloring books, puzzles, toys, games and books introducing youngsters to great works and the great artists who created them. 410 Campus Center Drive, Salt Lake City. 801-581-7332, umfa.utah.edu/store

6. Utah Symphony & Opera Tickets ($35)

The extraordinary experience of listening to some of the world’s greatest compositions performed live might not seem like something you could wrap a bow around and place under the tree. But the Utah Symphony & Opera offers special $35 gift passes during the holiday season—each one good for a ticket in select Abravanel Hall sections for any Masterworks, Opera or Entertainment Series performance scheduled for the remainder of the 2016-2017 season (Jan. 7-May 27). Recipients simply need to call the box office to redeem for a specific performance, and let the miraculous music sweep them away. Hurry; they’re available through Dec. 23 only. usuo.org

7. Wiseguys Comedy Club Gift Card ($25+)

Heaven knows that at this point in history, we can all use a little comic relief (when the comedy is actually intentional). Whether it’s a local jokester or a nationally touring comedian, every weekend at the two Wiseguys locations—at The Gateway downtown, and on 25th Street in Ogden—you can find the makings of a hilarious evening out. Pick up gift cards in $25 increments, which can then be used to purchase tickets (reservations recommended), or for food and beverages to enjoy along with the show. wiseguyscomedy.com

Expats For

Have Beehive, will travel.

By Enrique Limón

1. Fry Sauce ($4.49, 16-ounce bottle)

Along with inversion and silent road rage, there are probably few things that scream Utah as much as fry sauce. Called “the most incredible condiment you probably haven’t heard of” by Huffington Post, Salt Lakers have been in the know of this silky ketchup, mayo and spice concoction since the 1940s when Don Carlos Edwards, Arctic Circle founder, came up with the pastel sauce. Maybe he did it as a gag, maybe he wanted to introduce local palates to Argentine salsa golf or maybe it was one of those “You got peanut butter in my chocolate” moments. Whatever the case, it’ll make your favorite expat’s tastebuds sing and dance. Multiple locations, acburger.com

2. Temple Flask ($19.95)

As mentioned in the Cheapskate section, Cahoots has you covered for stocking stuffers with an OMG blushy edge. Your favorite Utahn living abroad (California is abroad, right?) will rejoice in partaking from this prohibitive flask. Bonus points if you accompany it with a bottle of local booze. For a double whammy, Distillery 36’s small-batch “Brigham Rum” ($26.99) should do the trick. 878 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-538-0606, cahootssaltlake.com

5. Classic Bowling Print ($20)

Few things evoke instant nostalgia quite like ghost signs, and SLC letterpress artist Peder Singleton sought inspiration in one of the biggest ones around—the old Even Ritz Classic Bowling sign—for a limitedrun of letterpress prints. “Bowling alleys and motels have incredible signs with such rich character,” Singleton says. “They just have stories of their own. So, I found a way to photograph and reproduce them with some character of my own.” Other sign-inspired pieces showcase Holladay’s Villa Theatre and Sugar House’s Steering Stark signs. etsy.com/shop/athenaeum

6. Scenic Utah Stickers ($3.95 each)

Laptops, windshields, notebooks, your little brother: They could all use a little sprucing up during the winter months. That’s where Sticker Art, featuring original illustrations by Kayla Edgar, come in. Instantly evocative of the scenery that makes us all glad we live here, Edgar’s colorful stickers depict everything from camping, van life and climbing

Indian Creek’s Scarface. Equipped with three layers of UV protections, these silkscreened vinyl stickers are guaranteed to last. You can find them online, as well as select brick-and-mortar locations like The Queen Bee in Ogden. stickerart.com

7. Brigham Salt Girl T-shirt ($24)

Sure it’s cool to display local art on walls, but how about wearing it? Illustrator and muralist Trent Call came up with this design alongside fellow artist Patrick Munger during an exhibit at Captain Captain Studios in 2009 and decided to bring it back in wearable form. “The idea came from a little bit of thought, but mostly play. It’s simply two iconic symbols of Salt Lake mashed together,” Call says. “There’s something about Brigham Young’s head on the Morton Salt Girl’s body that just works.” We agree. godhatesrobots.com/giftshop

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 29

Retailers like the above mentioned have the “SL,UT” game down. It turns out our cityand (red) state’s initials make for a pretty giggle-worthy acronym. Who would’ve thought the Wildwood Hutch gift shop inside the Salt Lake Plaza Hotel, located just a stone’s throw from the LDS Temple, would be in on the joke? Maybe they’re not. Who knows? Other unintentionally ironic items for sale include gently used steamy romance novels and a magnet that states “Need Oxygen? Salt Lake City, UT.” 122 W. South Temple, Salt Lake City. 801-521-0130, plaza-hotel.com

Again, though locals never think of them, hotel gift shops carry a bevy of items— both cheesetastic and not—that are sure to bring a smile to giftees’ faces. Perfect for just about anyone, Granstville’s The Kristal Co. specializes in festive creations made from a special brine solution using salt from the Great Salt Lake. This keepsake is sure to last through generations. How do I know this? It looks pristine and the back of the case says ©1984. Available at the Sundries Shop inside the Little America Hotel. 500 S. Main, Salt Lake City. 801-596-5845, saltlake.littleamerica.com

CITYWEEKLY.NET

3. SL,UT Memorabilia ($3.99)

4. Great Salt Lake Salt Snowflake Ornament ($12.95)

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30 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

Adventurous Types For

Put down the popcorn tin and head out.

By Dylan Woolf Harris

1. National Parks Pass ($80)

The state has five jaw-dropping national parks inside its borders: Zion, Bryce Canyon, Arches, Canyonlands and Capitol Reef. And the National Parks’ America the Beautiful pass is the perfect way to introduce Utah’s newcomers to the beauty displayed in the Southwestern deserts. Annual passes are $80, but they will get an entire vehicle of guests into each park. And, of course, the pass will allow entry into any of the national parks outside Utah’s borders, which can be reason enough to pack up for a road trip and head toward Grand Teton, Death Valley or Mesa Verde, to name just a few. nps.gov/planyourvisit/passes.htm

2. Cricket Energy Bars ($13)

Don’t be tricked into thinking Chapul’s cricket-based protein bars are simply a chirpy novelty. These locally made snacks pack a punch of vitamin B-12 and iron, they are a sustainable option for protein and they help illuminate the world’s diverse and spectacular culinary traditions. The flavors each pay homage to a region of the world that eats or once ate insects. Chapul’s flagship bar is a peanut butter and chocolate concoction named after the indigenous Chaco people that used to eat crickets. A $13 four-bar sampler pack— one in each flavor—is a fitting gift for one

whose sense of adventure extends to his or her palate. chapul.com

3. Colorful Daypack ($49.95)

For the adventurer who is seeking gear that is as unique as it is functional, try gifting them Cotopaxi’s Luzon del Día. This backpack is a replica of the store’s popular Luzon daypack, but because the del Día is stitched together from pieces of extra fabric, no two bags are identical. The versatile bag is an 18-liter backpack, complete with a spot for a water bladder. These items go for $49.95 at Cotopaxi’s downtown headquarters or ordered online. Coto gear can also be found in select retailers such as REI and Nordstrom. Consider it the gift that keeps on giving as Cotopaxi, whose motto is “Gear for Good,” sets aside 2 percent of its revenue to offer grants to an array of organizations in developing countries. 74 S. Main, Salt Lake City. 844-268-6729, cotopaxi.com

4. Scuba Lessons ($350+)

Hidden in Utah’s mountains and deserts are enough caverns to keep a spelunker’s sense of adventure satiated. But a scuba certification will help them explore the underwater depths, such as the Homestead Crater in Midway. Numerous places

offer scuba classes along the Wasatch Front—Neptune Divers, Dive Utah and Scuba Utah are a few. Depending on equipment rentals and the number of participants, beginner classes can vary anywhere between $350-$500. neptunedivers.net, diveutah.com, scubautah.com

5. Custom-Built Bike ($65+)

Whether pedaling a trail in the canyons or cruising around the city’s bike lanes, Salt Lake has emerged as a bicycle city. If you know a person in need of a new set of wheels, Crank SLC has a cool solution: custom-built bikes. This type of gift will work best as a voucher, however, because in order to construct the perfect bike, Crank will need to talk to the owner regarding the intended purpose, design, size and price range. Crank specializes in road and adventure bikes, which are designed for on-and-off trail use. The shop lists its basic build at $65, but the cost will vary greatly depending on the bike. 749 S. State, Salt Lake City. 385-528-1158, crankslc.com

6. Handcrafted Beanie ($20)

It’s that time of the year when the mercury dips to frigid lows, so wrap up a present that will keep your outdoor-loving pals bundled. A classic beanie is ideal for keeping one’s ears toasty, and Velo City Bags sells

crocheted headwear that is locally crafted. Not only is the material 100 percent acrylic but it’s also animal-friendly. Beanies only come in black, though, and can be purchased from Velo City Bags’ online store. 385-202-4181, velocitybags.com

7. Hiking Guide ($17)

Few cities are lucky enough to have a stunning mountain range as its backdrop. But it’s not until you explore the many trailed ridges and crevices that you understand how special this place is. Hiking the Wasatch, written by John Veranth, remains the hiker’s Bible. Veranth, past president of the Wasatch Mountain Club, has an extensive knowledge about the mountains and conveys it in easy-tounderstand prose. kingsenglish.com, kensandersbooks.com, wellerbookworks.com

8. Snow Tube ($20)

Sledding down a snowy slope is as classic a winter image as candy canes or stuffed stockings. Plenty of stores stock their shelves with sleds, tubes and toboggans. Dick’s Sporting Goods, for example, has a healthy selection that includes the triangular DBX Sub Zero Snow Tube for $20. This gift is for taking out on one of the valley’s many snowy hills (snow-gods permitting).

Multiple locations, dickssportinggoods.com

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32 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

Hate For those you

How to get the message across once and for all.

By Ryan Cunningham

1. Bud Light Lime Raz-Ber-Rita® Four Pack ($11.96)

3. Bag of Chiz Curls (99 cents)

Bringing your own booze to a holiday party is a polite gesture. It says to the host, “Thank you for inviting me into your home on this august occasion of celebration and cheer.” But bringing over a few Bud Light Lime Raz-Ber-Ritas says something entirely different. It says, “I don’t respect you as a human being, so here’s an abundant supply of a beverage that tastes like a mixture of fruit punch, rubbing alcohol and sadness. Enjoy! Where’s the beer?” At fine State Liquor Stores everywhere, abc.utah.gov

I don’t know for sure, but there’s a chance this Filipino snack food is legally prohibited from using the word “cheese” in its product name. What I do know is that the 60-gram bag of “cheese flavored corn curls” somehow packs 20 grams of saturated fat, according to its nutrition facts (“nutrition,” lol). That’s exactly 100 percent of a person’s recommended daily value. Give this chizzy treat to someone who deserves to die a slow, cardiovascular death. Southeast Market, 422 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-363-5474, southeastmarket.com

2. A Cabbage Patch Christmas LP Various Artists ($6.95)

4. A Force of One Starring Chuck Norris on VHS (50 cents)

Here are two things that are pretty useless: Christmas-themed Christmas gifts and all holiday music except for The Drifters’ version of “White Christmas.” That’s what makes A Cabbage Patch Christmas— available at Randy’s Records—such a cruel offering. I especially recommend this inexcusable novelty album for parents with young children. Perhaps suggest digitizing it so the kids can jam to this irrelevant pop culture relic on their grimy iPads for the next seven months. They’ll thank you for it. Just kidding—they’ll curse your name, but hey, there’s a reason they’re on this list anyway. 157 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-532-4413, randysrecords.com

In this “high-voltage martial arts drama,” a squad of undercover agents are plagued by a series of mysterious assassinations. So naturally, the experienced lawenforcement professionals turn to karate champion Matt Logan (played by actual karate champion Chuck Norris) to solve the case. I picked this 1979 craptacular motion picture from a box filled with countless VHS tapes for sale at Utah Book & Magazine because it was still in its original plastic wrap—people love brand new stuff, right? 327 S. Main, Salt Lake City. 801-359-4391

5. Dude Wipes ($5.49)

If you’re trying to find the perfect gift for an asshole, here’s something that’s made specifically for assholes. Dude Wipes are like baby wipes but for grown-ass men. According to the product’s website, they’re 25 percent bigger than most wipes, unscented and completely flushable. You can pick up a 48-wipe pack at your local grocery store, but I recommend gifting a “Dude Squad” subscription to serve as a monthly reminder of where the recipient can stick it. Available at any Smith’s location, smithsfoodanddrug.com

6. Memorial Plaque for Betsy the Dead Dog ($1) at Deseret Indutries

Sometimes the noblest gift we can give someone is a humbling reminder of the frailty of our existence. One day Betsy was alive and well, barking at strangers and futilely chasing birds in the backyard. Now she’s dead, and all that remains is this solid stone plaque commemorating her disconcertingly short life. Oh Betsy. We hardly knew ye. Seriously, I have no idea whose dog this was. Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org

7. Beazer’s Running Trophy and Ribbons ($1) also at Deseret Industries

Here’s what’s going to happen: The gift recipient will lift this trophy out of its cheap gift bag, examine the impressive accolades, and feel a sudden rush of crushing disappointment after they realize they’ll never be as good as Beazer. They’ll never know what it’s like to achieve and sustain such an untouchable level of excellence. They’ll feel the full heft of that first-place trophy and awaken to their own insurmountable mediocrity. No one beats Beazer. No one. Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org

8. “I Met Vanna White at RC Wiley” Mug (50 cents) at—you guessed it—Deseret Industries

The beauty of this gift is that it turns the recipient into a stone-cold liar the moment they accept it: “No sir, you did not meet Vanna White at RC Willey. You know what else? You’ve never met Vanna White. Period. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve never even set foot in an RC Willey. You don’t even know who Vanna White is, do you? How are you gonna pour coffee into that mug when it’s already full of LIES? You disgust me.” Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org Happy Christmas to all (except poor Betsy), and to all a good night! CW

Livin’ the Dream

DINE

JOHN TAYLOR

RESTAURANT REVIEW

Award Winning Donuts

Laan Na Thai is an immigrant success story. BY TED SCHEFFLER comments@cityweekly.net @critic1

705 S. 700 E. | (801) 537-1433

B e er, P izza &

Yupin and Wichai Charoen

LOCAL OWNED

Family Friendly! 1063 E. 2100 S. SUGAR HOUSE SALT LAKE CITY

saltlakepizzaandpasta.com

FR AD IE UL ND T LY

801.484.1804

CELEBRATING

20 YEARS IN SUGAR HOUSE! 1063 E. 2100 S. 801.463.9393 FIDDLERSELBOWSLC.COM

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 33

336 W. 300 South, Salt Lake City 801-363-2717 Facebook.com/LaanNaThai

385.528.0181

| CITY WEEKLY |

LAAN NA THAI

2991 E. 3300 S.

in Styrofoam. I love the fragrant aromas and flavors of stir-fried boneless chicken with Thai basil, bell peppers, sliced onion and green beans. But I’m equally fond of Yupin’s yellow curry with sweet hints of coconut milk enveloping tender chicken, potato chunks and carrots. Thankfully, a two-item combo plate allows me to enjoy both chicken dishes. There are a couple of sides/appetizers that you shouldn’t pass up. I start every meal there with an order of chicken puffs ($4.99)—delicate, housemade puff pastries filled with minced chicken and onion. They are fried until just golden and crispy and delicious. The curry dumplings—filled with minced pork and scallions and bathed in a slightly sweet yellow curry—are another fab starter. The menu also includes soft drinks, fruit beverages, Thai coffee and Thai iced tea among their options, but no wine or beer. Since there’s not much elbow room in the restaurant to begin with, I prefer to pick up a Singha six-pack at the liquor store and enjoy my Thai meal at home. Speaking of home, Salt Lake City is now a permanent home to the Charoen family. If there is a case to be made for immigration and the belief that in America, anyone can achieve success, this is it. CW

and somehow still manage to greet customers with a smile. They are never not busy, but they’ve been well trained by Spice Kitchen Incubator. The restaurant is tiny— just a small kitchen with counter service and a few stools inside, and some sidewalk tables outside. I’ve seen walk-in freezers at restaurants that are bigger, but that’s OK, because the Charoens can call it theirs. Laan Na might be small, but the menu isn’t, and it’s an improvement over Ekamai’s. For such a small kitchen, there sure are a lot of tasty options, with prices topping out at $10.49 for special dinner entrées. Customers seem to favor the bargain-priced combo meals, where a one-item combo with rice (white or brown) is $5.99 and the two-item combo with rice and an egg roll is $8.49. I was a tad confused about what and how to order on my first visit, but Yupin patiently walked me through the options. Along with Thai staples that are familiar to many—such as pad thai, drunken noodles, pad siew, massaman curry and the like—they also offer dishes that are native to northeast Thailand. One such dish is nam tok ($10.49), which in Thai means “waterfall.” It’s a meat salad of tender stir-fried flank steak strips with romaine lettuce and sticky rice, brimming with the spicy, tangy and salty flavors of scallions, Thai chiles, nam pla (fish sauce), shallots, lime and cilantro. Now that’s my kind of salad. The bold flavors of that region are also well represented in the exquisite hung lay pork. It’s melt-in-the-mouth pork belly in a rich, spicy curry with coconut milk, carrots and potatoes. I’m also torn between two chicken options on the menu, both of which are wonderful—even served up

Times Go o d

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here has been no shortage of discussion and debate over the pros and cons of immigration and U.S. immigrants in recent years. Some of the most vivid colors in the American cultural tapestry were and are painted by immigrants, like the husband-and-wife team of Wichai and Yupin Charoen. I dare say that Salt Lake City, and Utah in general, are richer places because of this dynamic duo. They opened their eatery, Laan Na Thai, a few months ago. Theirs is a story some of you might know—a tale of the American Dream in action. The restaurant is located in the downtown space that previously housed Ekamai Thai on 300 South, near Caputo’s. For the past six years, Yupin was the cook at Ekamai, until the owners suddenly decided to relocate back to Thailand and sell the restaurant. Yupin was devastated. She and her husband come from an impoverished part of northeastern Thailand and grew up with very little, including education, and she feared that she’d never be able to find another job here. Thankfully, there are angels among us, including Grace Henley, Food Entrepreneurship Program Manager at Spice Kitchen Incubator. Somehow, the planets aligned, and she happened to pop into Ekamai for a meal. A regular, she noticed that the normally cheerful Yupin seemed despondent. What happened next, according to a forthcoming article by Maya Silver in Devour Utah (of which I’m editor), was “one of the most beautiful moments” of Henley’s career. Spice Kitchen Incubator is a program of the International Rescue Committee in partnership with Salt Lake County, whose mission it is to assist immigrants, refugees and other disadvantaged community members in starting full- or part-time food businesses. Many of the startups are food carts or trucks. You’ve seen some of them at farmers markets and elsewhere, such as Olives & Thyme, African Spice, Jamaica’s Kitchen, Mother of All, Spudnik, Hayat’s Grill and others. Laan Na is the first Spice Kitchen project to see fruition as a full brick-andmortar restaurant, and Yupin Charoen no longer worries about being fired. She and Wichai are the nuts, bolts, beams and foundation of Laan Na Thai. They do everything: cook, clean, prep, take orders, serve as cashiers, operate their business,

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34 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

AS SEEN ON “ DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES”

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Founded in 1955 in Golden, Colo., by Margaret and Philip Isely, Natural Grocers is dedicated to providing customers with high-quality natural and organic products as well as nutrition education, along with living wages and excellent benefits for their employees. Sixty years and more than 90 stores in 19 states later, Natural Grocers and the Isely family continues their quest to “empower health” and eliminate the stranglehold chemical agriculture has on American farming. Natural Grocers recently opened a location in Bountiful (55 W. 500 South), and on Dec. 14 hosts a ribbon-cutting and grand opening at their new Ogden store (270 12th St.). The event takes place at 7:55 a.m., and the public is invited to attend. For more information, visit NaturalGrocers.com.

BoU on New Utah

The New Utah Podcast is devoted to enlightening folks about our sometimes misunderstood state, aka “The New Utah.” “Buckle up while we tell you about the Utah your mama warned you about!” is the hosts’ motto. Following City Weekly’s annual Best of Utah issue, The podcast recently did an entertaining (and opinionated) breakdown of the award winners (and some losers), with a focus on food and drink. It’s a fun listen. Find it on Soundcloud, iTunes and Stitcher.

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Salt Lake City residents who prefer online shopping and home delivery can now include groceries in their shopping sprees. Beginning Dec. 15, Smith’s stores in SLC offer home delivery of groceries via Shipt, which delivers to members for $99 per year or $14 per month. Annual members who sign up for delivery service prior to Dec. 15 receive $15 off their first grocery order. Interested in being a Shipt shopper? They need to hire 300 shoppers to fulfill deliveries. Visit Shipt.com and click on “Get paid to shop.” Quote of the week: “Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.” —Lora Brody Tips: tscheffler@cityweekly.net

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BEER, WINE & SPIRITS

Virtuous Vino Wineries and winemakers that give back. BY TED SCHEFFLER comments@cityweekly.net @critic1

uring the holiday season, some of us eat and drink a bit more than usual. At our place, holiday cheer is spread, in part, with full glasses of wine. We also tend to give wine as gifts to our vinoloving friends and colleagues. However, holiday imbibing and gifting can be selfindulgent. So, why not give—and pour— wines that give back? Many wineries earmark a portion of their sales proceeds to worthy charities, from those working with military veterans to animal rescue organizations. There are far too many to list here, but these are a few of my favorite wineries that also give back to their communities. Sonoma’s Rodney Strong Vineyards has made significant donations through the years to the United Way and to food banks throughout the county. Proprietor Tom Klein and the Rodney Strong team

also support CORE (Children of Restaurant Employees), which provides support to children and families of restaurant employees who are afflicted by life-altering circumstances. Their lush Chalk Hill Chardonnay ($18.95), made in consultation with renowned winemaker David Ramey, would make an excellent addition to any holiday table. Another good value chardonnay for the yule tide season or anytime is Chateau La Paws ($10.99). La Paws is a spinoff of Rosenblum Cellars, created by the “King of Zin,” Kent Rosenblum. The winemaker is also a veterinarian and Chateau La Paws supports no-kill animal rescue organizations such as Long Island, N.Y.’s North Shore Animal League—which, incidentally, is where I adopted my cat, Rufus. Murphy-Goode “Homefront” Red ($12) is a big syrah and merlot blend that was created to benefit Operation Homefront: 50 cents from each bottle sold goes to provide assistance to families of military service members and wounded vets. Also benefiting the unmet needs of military men, women and families is Purple Heart Wines, which last year assisted more than 19,000 veterans with programs to help cope with post-traumatic stress disorder, offer educational scholarships, provide service dogs and more via the winery’s Purple Heart Foundation.

DRINK Bruce R. Cohn is the Doobie Brothers’ longtime manager and founder of B.R. Cohn Winery. Not surprisingly, live music is a weekly event at the Sonoma winery, and every year Cohn hosts a charity weekend featuring a celebrity golf tournament, auction and concert with performers like Willie Nelson, Little Feat and Dave Mason. The bulk of the money raised goes to local Sonoma charities, but also to causes such as Hurricane Katrina Relief and the National Veterans Foundation. B.R. Cohn Silver Label Cabernet Sauvignon 2014 ($24.99) is a rich, complex cabernet that would make a lovely holiday gift for your favorite wine lover. Another music industry phenom, Dave Matthews, created Dreaming Tree Wines with winemaker Sean McKenzie. The wines are produced sustainably and, to date, the pair have donated $500,000 to environmental organizations such as The Wilderness

Society and Living Lands & Waters. Dreaming Tree Crush ($15.99) is an appealing red blend with soft tannins that pairs well with barbecue and bahn mi. Located in the heart of Napa Valley, OneHope Winery is committed to making the world a better place. The results from nonprofit organizations they’ve impacted include over 1 million meals provided, 52,621 trees planted, 2,792 clinical breast cancer trials funded, 13,605 animals adopted, 927 veterans aided and much, much more. For more information, visit OneHopeWine.com. And, for those lucky enough to live in states that allow retail wine shipments, BenefitWines.com is “America’s Charity Wine Shop,” with more than 500 charity partners to choose from and causes ranging from petrelated and wildlife organizations to health-based, community, veterans and religious charities. Now, let’s raise a glass to giving! CW

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FILM REVIEW

Faces of Grief

CINEMA

One size of loss does not fit all in Manchester by the Sea. BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

Casey Affleck and Lucas Hedges in Manchester by the Sea of serving as Patrick’s wingman chatting with the mother of the girl Patrick is trying to sleep with. The town of Manchester-bythe-Sea becomes a richly detailed part of the film, its residents’ salty tongues providing an energy that never allows the sadness of the story to become oppressive. This is also a story, however, that refuses to see some magical healing properties in the relationship between Lee and Patrick, however much the two might need one another. Lonergan struggles a bit with folding his crucial flashback scenes into the primary narrative, but ultimately serves up haunting scenes that suggest some wounds never entirely heal, and some attempts to make amends for past mistakes will fail. Manchester by the Sea might be about grief, but it’s never about grief as an abstract concept. In Kenneth Lonergan’s world, adjusting to the scars that shape our lives isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. CW

MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

BBB.5 Casey Affleck Lucas Hedges Michelle Williams Rated R

| CITY WEEKLY |

TRY THESE You Can Count on Me (2000) Laura Linney Mark Ruffalo Rated R

Gone Baby Gone (2007) Casey Affleck Michelle Monaghan Rated R

Margaret (2011) Anna Paquin Matthew Broderick Rated R

DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 39

Three Colors: Blue (1993) Juliette Binoche Benoît Régent Rated R

in unprovoked attacks on whoever happens to look at Lee cross-eyed in a bar. It’s a phenomenal piece of film acting, a portrait of unprocessed pain that electrifies one of the year’s most heartbreaking scenes, as Lee and Randi unexpectedly meet in the middle of the street—Randi pushing the stroller with her new baby—and can barely find a complete sentence that will bridge the distance between them. Yet as indelible as Affleck’s work is, Hedges’ performance as Patrick proves nearly as important to Lonergan’s storytelling. His response to the death of his father—for all practical purposes his only parent, after the departure of his alcoholic mother (Gretchen Mol) from his life—is more or less to continue with life as normal: hanging out with friends, bouncing between his two girlfriends, practicing with his hockey team and his band. When Patrick has his one out-of-nowhere breakdown—inspired by something as mundane as struggling to close a freezer door—it becomes a reminder of how different his experience of loss is from that of his uncle, and how even their decision regarding whether or not to say a last goodbye to Joe might come from completely different places. It would be tempting to look at those ideas and think Manchester must be a depressing slog, but Lonergan is far too savvy a writer for that. He shows off a wicked sense of humor, finding uncomfortable comedy in situations like Lee doing a miserable job

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

lenty of filmmakers have a favorite thematic subject. Few filmmakers, however, have shown Kenneth Lonergan’s willingness to look at that same subject from so many distinct perspectives. Grief has permeated Lonergan’s films ever since he expanded his work from the stage to the screen, going back to his 2000 film debut You Can Count on Me and his little-seen masterwork Margaret. In all those works, he has poked around not just at how people respond to tragedy, but at how someone else might respond to that same tragedy in a completely different way, or even not take that individual grieving process seriously. In his mournful, prickly Manchester by the Sea, Lonergan again dives into that same territory, emerging with yet another singular character study about wounded people trying to find peace, in ways that often leave them feeling desperately alone. The story opens with Lee Chandler (Casey Affleck) working as a handyman in several Boston area apartment buildings, seemingly disconnected from anyone and everything but the people whose toilets and showers he repairs. Then he gets news from his coastal Massachuesetts hometown of Manchester-by-the-Sea that his brother, Joe (Kyle Chandler), has finally succumbed to a long battle with heart disease. What he does not expect upon his return—to a place filled with ghosts, and where everyone speaks his name like he’s a local boogeyman—is that Joe has named Lee as the guardian for Joe’s 16-year-old son Patrick (Lucas Hedges), forcing Lee to confront a past that has left him broken. Lonergan doesn’t play coy for too long with the circumstances behind Lee’s perpetual thousand-yard stare, making it clear early on that it has something to do with his separation from his now-ex-wife, Randi (Michelle Williams). Affleck’s performance percolates with inward-turned, inarticulate rage, sporadically erupting

CINEMA CLIPS

MOVIE TIMES AND LOCATIONS AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

NEW THIS WEEK Information is correct at press time. Film release schedules are subject to change. MANCHESTER BY THE SEA BBB.5 See review on p. 39. Opens Dec. 9 at Broadway Centre Cinemas. (R) MISS SLOANE BBB A down-in-the-trenches Washington lobbyist (Jessica Chastain) brings her full Lovecraftian powers of manipulation to bear in order to push through a controversial gun bill. The opposition is not amused. Movies about political movers and shakers might be a scant form of escapism these days, but this gives off a tangible, absorbing hum, thanks to John Madden’s (Shakespeare in Love, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) clean direction and a razor-sharp screenplay by first-timer Jonathan Perera. (Removing those moments when the characters remark on the snap of each other’s dialogue definitely wouldn’t hurt, however.) Best of all, there’s Chastain, who cannily cherry-picks from her established personas to create a fascinatingly guarded, fiercely intelligent central figure: A successful, driven woman who can’t entirely tamp down her pleasure when people kiss her ring. Even if you don’t have the stomach for it right now, this one will keep. Opens Dec. 9 at theaters valleywide. (PG-13)—Andrew Wright

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY [not yet reviewed] A branch office threatened with closure throws a massive, out-ofcontrol holiday shindig. Opens Dec. 9 at theaters valleywide. (R)

SPECIAL SCREENINGS

3:10 TO YUMA (2007) At Brewvies, Dec. 12, 10 p.m. (R) AUTHOR: THE JT LEROY STORY At Park City Film Series, Dec. 9-10, 8 p.m.; Dec. 11, 6 p.m. (NR)

CURRENT RELEASES ALLIED BBB A few detours into Robert Zemeckis’ trademark sentimentality aside, Allied could easily be a romantic war drama recently rediscovered from the 1940s. There’s a wonderfully old-fashioned feel to the tale of the Canadian intelligence operative (Brad Pitt) and the French resistance fighter (Marion Cotillard) who team up to assassinate a Nazi official … in, yes, Casablanca. A year later, now married and living in London, their loyalties are called into question by the RAF. There are a few good bits of stuff blowing up, but the war action mostly takes a backseat to emotional turmoil that inevitably occurs when spies, whose lives depend on successful lies, must trust one another. Zemeckis judiciously balances psychological and physical suspense, ending up with an elegant potboiler that seems to hail from a cinematic era when silences heavy with suspicion spoke louder than words. (R)—MaryAnn Johanson BAD SANTA 2 BB It’s a delicate art, making a film that offends and entertains in equal measure, and Bad Santa 2 botches it. Where its 2003 predecessor—with Billy Bob Thornton as alcoholic, safe-cracking department-store Santa Willie Soke—was an enjoyably tart morsel of bittersweet candy, the sequel only duplicates the vulgarity, not the hilarity. This time, Willie and elfin partner Marcus (Tony Cox) plan to rob a charity on Christmas Eve, aided by Willie’s mother (Kathy Bates). Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly), the simple-minded fat kid from the original, is back, too, now 21 years old but still amusingly stupid. Gone is the original creative team, replaced by director Mark Waters (steadily declining since Mean Girls) and scribes Johnny Rosenthal and Shauna Cross. Though the ribald dialogue offers moments of perverse pleasure, they’re always just moments, and the uninspired screenplay smells of desperation. (R)—Eric D. Snider

THE EAGLE HUNTRESS BBB.5 There’s a heartening example of parents encouraging their daughter to develop her talents, flying the face of masculine tradition, in Otto Bell’s grin-inducing Mongolia-set documentary. Aisholpan is a happy 13-year-old who idolizes her father and wants to follow in his footsteps using trained eagles to hunt foxes and rabbits. This ancient tradition has always been menonly, but Aisholpan, her parents and even her eagle-hunter grandfather don’t care. Like a Hollywood underdog story, the film is edited and scored with an eye for drama and humor, as Aisholpan and her dad capture an eaglet, practice for a regional competition and ultimately go hunting. Bell showcases the harsh natural beauty of western Mongolia and conveys the rigors of eagle hunting, but his main focus is a young girl’s blissful empowerment under the tutelage of her proud father. You’ll be proud, too. (G)—EDS LOVING BBB.5 Jeff Nichols’ film—about the landmark 1967 Supreme Court decision, brought by white Virginia man Richard Loving (Joel Edgerton) and his “colored” wife, Mildred (Ruth Negga), that rendered anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional—now feels like the movie these times demand. Nichols’ approach is defined by restraint; there’s a particular grace to the way he introduces Richard and Mildred as already a couple, and no operatic drama accompanies the scene of their arrest. The simple realities of the Lovings’ lives—built on the simple, beautiful performance by Negga and Edgerton—become the narrative base. As the real-life Lovings are shown at the end of the film in an iconic Life magazine photo, it’s hard not to think about the hard work ahead in our own time, and the kind of love that becomes too big not to change the world. (PG-13)—Scott Renshaw MOANA BBB.5 Formulas like the Disney animated musical are formulas because they work. Here, the story is built around 15-year-old Polynesian chieftain’s daughter Moana (Auli’i Cravalho), who recognizes peril facing her island home and sets out on the sea to find the lost demigod Maui (Dwayne Johnson). Directors John Musker and Ron Clements (The Little Mermaid) build a self-aware joke out of Maui’s observation that “if you wear a dress, and you have an animal sidekick, you’re a princess,” while also avoiding any romantic interest and building Moana’s character exclusively around her heroic journey. But the filmmakers also understand the value of great songs, with Lin-Manuel Miranda and Mark Mancina contributing to a powerful, satisfying soundtrack. While Johnson’s charms help lift the familiar story beats, Moana could have been designed around a checklist—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. (PG)—SR

more than just movies at brewvies

| CITY WEEKLY |

40 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

BLUESPACE At Rose Wagner Center, Dec. 14, 7 p.m. (NR)

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Season’s Beatings

Ho, Ho, Ho So, So, So No, No, No

SuperMansion declares War on Christmas; Star gets behind the music. SuperMansion: War on Christmas Thursday, Dec. 8 (Crackle)

Season Premiere: ’Merica has made plenty of egregious, perverse and downright stoopid decisions this year, but it’s not hyperbole to say our most catastrophic, souldestroying, 9/11-times-100 act of them all was to make Netflix’s Full House reboot Fuller House a hit back in February. Which means the laugh-tracked atrocity is back for a second season within the calendar year, further cementing 2016 as just the worst. Bob Saget, John Stamos, Dave Coulier and Lori Loughlin will again recur, because paychecks, but Fuller House is still about the even-lessinteresting next gen of Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin and the other one, and the Olsen twins remain conspicuously absent (yay?). Upside, another season of this dreck will help fund other Netflix shows like …

Series Debut: Missing Mythbusters? Can you say that five times fast? The White Rabbit Project reteams Tory Belleci, Kari Byron and Grant Imahara for a new series deconstructing events from pop culture, science and history— jailbreaks, superpower technology, heists, World War II weaponry and why the hell the Discovery channel fired the Build Team trio from Mythbusters two years ago (OK, probably not the last one). Speed, flames, explosions, shots and—it hasn’t been outlawed yet!—science converge for what should be an entertaining, if not educational, ride. Maybe next season they can explain Westworld.

A Christmas Wedding Date Saturday, Dec. 10 (Lifetime)

Movie: A few years ago, there was an odd wave of original Christmas TV movies wherein stylish, big-city businesswomen who had everything but time for love or the holidays were knocked unconscious, and then awakened in a cozy small town relieved of those cumbersome career goals and designer fashions, not to mention being romanced by a hunky townie with a flannel shirt and carefree stubble. Not so many in 2016, but A Christmas Wedding Date puts a Groundhog Day spin on the story of Rebecca (Marla Sokoloff of The Practice and the immortal Dude, Where’s My Car?), a stylish, big-city businesswoman who gets fired from her corporate job, then returns to her small home town to

SuperMansion: War on Christmas (Crackle) attend a friend’s Christmas Eve wedding. Soon, she’s reliving the day over and over again, presumably until she gets her shit together, snags a man and learns The True Meaning of Christmas®. Stray thought: Why has no one pitched a sequel called Dude, Where’s My Christmas? Holiday gold!

Star Wednesday, Dec. 14 (Fox)

Series Debut: This certainly sounds familiar: “Star (Jude Demorest), a tough-as-nails young woman who came up in the foster-care system, tracks down her sister, Simone (Brittany O’Grady), and her Instagram bestie, Alexandra (Ryan Destiny), and together, the trio journeys to Atlanta with the hope of becoming music superstars.” A little TLC, a little Destiny’s Child, a whole lotta Empire (Star is produced by Lee Daniels), and a cast that also includes Queen Latifah, Benjamin Bratt and Lenny Kravitz, all adds up to what could be a winter sleeper hit for Fox. The snag: Star relies more on music and heartstring-tugging than the overthe-top soap fireworks of Empire, so it’s going to need more (and better) songs to go the distance. But, then again, they said that about Lenny Kravitz, too. Listen to Frost Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96 Radio From Hell, and on the TV Tan podcast via Stitcher, iTunes, Google Play and BillFrost.tv.

Fuller House Friday, Dec. 9 (Netflix)

The White Rabbit Project Friday, Dec. 9 (Netflix)

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

Holiday Special: Oldster superhero Titanium Rex (voiced by Bryan Cranston) and his geezeriffic League of Freedom are forced to stop arguing for a hot minute to save Christmas from a new supervillain, Mr. Skibumpers (Jim Parsons), a malevolent alien who’s turned Santa Claus (Gary Anthony Williams) into a bloodthirsty murder machine wreaking havoc upon Storm City. War on Christmas is SuperMansion’s unofficial kickoff of a second season arriving in 2017 on Crackle, that little orange-button app you should get around to trying sometime. The Robot Chicken team didn’t quite nail its debut season about a senior-citizen stopmotion sub-Avengers, but War on Christmas is a step in the right direction, amping-up the crazy and the cohesiveness for a solid holiday entry. As psycho Santa says, we could all use “the gift of oblivion” right about now.

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MUSIC

… with City Weekly’s 2016 alternative holiday playlist. BY RANDY HARWARD rharward@cityweekly.net

t won’t be long until America inaugurates President Grabberpussy. When he takes the oath of office, it’ll be really real: The wackadoos are at the wheel, and following too damn close. They’re gonna do their best to steer the country—and the world— right into DubyaDubyaThree. It’s gonna be a rough four years, so I figure all of us Whos down in Whoville are entitled to spend the rest of 2016 stuffing our faces, marinating our livers and injecting lots of the pot before getting serious about resisting the grinch-y Orange Menace. On that note, let’s join hands, gather around the tree and sing a bunch of wacky yuletide carols. Vista Blue, “Dreaming of the Right Christmas” from Check It Twice (WeAreVistaBlue.Bandcamp.com, 2016) Simmer down, folks. It doesn’t say “Alt-Right Christmas” or “Reich Christmas.” Just right. The real kind. “Every December/ I hope this will be the one/ to have a season to remember/ one that’s filled with joy and fun/ and we won’t think about/ what we don’t have/ ’cause we have all we need/ and things aren’t so bad.” Not only do these guys from Nashville hit the nail on the head, but they’re also ridiculously prolific, having dropped 12 EPs since April 2015—all of ’em free, and all of them just jammed with killer power-pop tunes. I love this band so much, it’s like I’ve already received a gift this Xmas. And I’m comin’ to you from late November. Torsten Kudjer, “Weihnachtszeit” from The Christmas Singles (Soundcloud.com/ TorstenKudjer, 2016) If you don’t speak German, you might mistake this for a Christmas spin on “Monster Mash” and assume its about a big, hairy Weihnachtszeit eating Santa’s elves like so much popcorn chicken. Well, “Weihnachtszeit” translates to “Christmastime” and the lyrics check Christmas cookies, smiling and having fun—not a giant Angela Merkel beating her chest over a candy cane-colored snowscape littered with tiny limbs. Oh well. The free five-song EP leads you to a consolation prize: Kudjer, a singer-songwriter with no allegiance to genre, is pretty cool. And prolific. Get into him. Chris Mess, “Bong for Your Mom” from Chris Mess (Chris-Mess.com, 2016) Full disclosure: This ain’t no holiday jam. But try this out: Say the band’s name like you’re drunk. If that’s not enough for you, well, the song is about gift-giving. And now you have an idea what to give the woman who gave you life this year. Not to mention a kickass new band in your life. Check out the whole

EP by these Seattle glam-rockers (more like glam-grunge-classic metal) fronted by a creative genius who looks like a settled-down Hedwig. You’ll happily part with six bucks to make it yours. Smashy Claw, “It’s Technically Possible That I’ll Be Home for Christmas” from Snow & Sadness (Music.SmashyClaw.com, 2016) Inhabiting the common space of a Venn diagram illustrating the overlap between geek-punks Nerf Herder and proto-Ira Glass nerd-band They Might Be Giants is this power pop/ punk group from Longmont, Colo. In just over two-and-a-half minutes, the pair wins you over with smart-snarky lyrics, nasal vocals, overdriven power chords and muddy demoquality production. You’ll should stick around for another seven minutes and enjoy the rest of this free EP: “Booze, Boobs, Blood & Blow,” “Christmunks” and “Santa Had a Heart Attack” are technically as good as “Technically.” Daniel Songer, “Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer” (YouTube, 2010) More than acting, comedy or vocal lessons, this very loud man needs help. He has hundreds of “comedy act” videos, and they’re painfully unfunny— and long. But there’s something about the guy that keeps you coming back. Maybe it’s the pelvic thrusts. Or the way he slaps his own ass. I dunno. The way you find Songer’s unusual performance of “Rudolph” is to search “Comedy Act 173 Christmas special.” You could jump straight to 3:23, but the masochist/awkward humor fan in you will wanna start at good ol’ 0:00. Best line: “… as he shouted out with glim.” Bonus track: “Jingle Bells.” You’ll swear you’ll never return. But you will. Bonus bonus track: “Wind Me Up (JoeyClassic remix).” Crudbump, “Fuck You If You Don’t Like Christmas” from Crudbump Singles (Crudbump.Bandcamp.com, 2015) A glimpse into the workings of hipster rage: Sometimes you wonder how 750,000 people possibly beat you to somebody as cool as this dude, Drew Fairweather. And yet, they did. Well, heads up. Here comes a Louisville Slugger, branded “Brightside,” delivering a platitude to your dome. Better late than never. What matters is that you did finally discover this slice of hip-hop/nerdcore heaven, which defends Christmas while skewering the “War on Christmas” crowd with droll, true bars like, “It’s not even about Jesus/ You gotta respect the holiday,” and “You don’t even have to put up a cross/ You just gotta get out and go to the mall.” CW

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44 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

HIGHLAND live music

The OldWorld Way

SLC violin-maker preserves Old World traditions. BY KIMBALL BENNION comments@cityweekly.net

he oldest violin in the shop is from 1650. Thirty years after the Pilgrims set foot on Plymouth Rock, this piece of wood and string existed somewhere in the world, making music for people it would be destined to outlive. Now it sits, anonymously, among hundreds of others in Peter Prier & Sons Violins in downtown Salt Lake City. An object that has survived as long as this instrument should be in a museum, but why imprison something behind glass when there’s still music to be made? Violins are one of the few instruments that sound better as they get older, says shop owner Daniel Prier. The drier the wood, the better the vibrations that emanate from its body. You want that soft, nasally sound that hums and vibrates as closely as possible to the way a human voice does. Anyone who has seen a master violinist perform knows how spellbinding it can be to watch someone coax authentic human emotion out of an inanimate object, and the better-acquainted a violin is with its human interpreter, the more exquisite its sound. The best ones have lived through generations of performers, but behind the scenes are people like Prier—craftsmen who repair and nudge violins along a musical path that could last centuries, as long as they’re left in the right hands. “There’s a little bit of my soul that goes into every repair job,” Prier says. He’s the youngest son of Peter Prier, a German immigrant who studied violinmaking in Europe before opening his shop in Salt Lake City in 1965. He would later open the Violin Making School of America right next door. Daniel took over the shop

Daniel Prier polishes a Joannes Tunonus violin made in Bolognia circa 1690.

and school after his father died last year, but he has spent most of his life learning about the art and business of violins. It’s a stubbornly Old World craft. The technology behind how the strings and bow work with the wooden sound post on the inside to project the sound through F-holes hasn’t changed much in hundreds of years, and neither has the technique of making or repairing the instruments. Stepping into this shop almost feels like a journey through time. Violins hang on the walls and in neat shelves in a back room on the first floor. In the repair shop on the second floor, employees work to repair a dismantled cello sitting on a custom-built table that adheres to the instrument’s specific dimensions. You have to “MacGyver” a lot of things in this shop, Prier jokes. His workbench sits in another room on the second floor. Spare bridges, screws, strands of horsehair and other pieces take up whatever spare space they can find on walls and flat surfaces. Prier picks up a violin he needs to re-string and starts smoothing out the neck. Players need to feel like it’s been worked on when they get it back, he explains. “People want to see hand work.” Prier uses hand tools only. You don’t hear the whine of electric saws or industrialgrade tools here. It’s quiet for a repair shop. All you hear is music and work. “I make my own tools,” Prier says as he shows off a pocketed cloth laid across his bench with wood-handled files, awls and chisels. When your craft involves such hyper-specific verbs as “purfling” (inlaying an ornamental border around the edge of the violin’s body), you can’t really count on picking up what you need at Home Depot. Prier takes some comfort in his status as a craftsman in an increasingly automated, mass-produced world. He isn’t intimidated by the prospect of people buying a cheaply made instrument at a lower price than what he offers. It’s his job to convince people that his way is worth it. “It’s constant education,” he says. “There are a lot of things about the Old World way that make a lot of sense.” CW

THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PICKS

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THURSDAY 12.8

Mark Kozelek

RALPH ARVESEN

an established industry veteran who, like Santa, consistently delivers the goods. As for the Grouch, we suspect he’ll provide anything but a cranky Christmas. (Lee Zimmerman) The Depot, 400 W. South Temple, 8 p.m., $30 in advance, $35 day of, DepotSLC.com

SLC Rock Camp for Girls Fundraiser

Last August saw the inaugural Rock Camp for Girls, a week-long event where girls of all ages got together to bond and make some noise. The camp, musical director Secily Saunders (Elytra, ex-Canyons) told City Weekly at the time, teaches social skills alongside musical ones in order to “help girls, in a short, very intense amount of time, learn about their gender and how that is expressed through music, and how they can become better and stronger people.” This show will raise funds for next year and features performances from the four bands formed at the first-ever camp: Flux Tiger, Gotham Squad, Frantastic and The Sass. Come out and show your support for these future rock ’n’ roll badasses. (Randy Harward) Kilby Court, 741 S. 330 West, 7 p.m., $6, KilbyCourt.com

Mark Kozelek

SATURDAY 12.10 Steve Vai

Steve Vai is an alpha shredder, the gold standard by which we judge all extended, frenzied, masturbatory guitar solos. He’s at once intensely devilish (remember the baleful look in his eyes when he played for Beelzebub’s team against Ralph Macchio in the head-cutting guitar showdown from Crossroads?) and a flower-lovin’ total-Zen peacenik. Actually, let’s say ostensible peacenik. Although his music and overall aesthetic are peppered with flowers and peace symbols and New Age imagery, he told BraveWords.com in 2014 that his music “is not political; I do not make statements.” Well, that’s not exactly true; his mindscrambling fretwork—so speedy, melodic and soulful—speaks volumes. Hence, this 25th anniversary tour for his classic Passion and Warfare, which he performs front-toback nightly. (RH) The Complex, 536 W. 100 South, 7 p.m., $25 in advance, $30 day of, TheComplexSLC.com

Living Legends

Steve Vai

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MATT HOBBS

4141 So. State Street 801.261.3463

The How the Grouch Stole Christmas tour is back for its 10th year—and trust us, this ain’t no Dr. Seuss fest. Then again, when the stars of the show have humbly dubbed themselves Living Legends, so modesty isn’t exactly at the forefront of their intents. Comprised of rappers Murs, Eligh, Luckyjam, Sunspot Jonz, Scarub, Aesop, Bicasso and, of course, The Grouch himself, this infamously irreverent bunch delivers a punchy yet occasionally poignant sound that’s thoughtful, incisive yet always ideal for holidays. Evidence supports, and as one-third of the L.A. hip-hop trio Dilated Peoples, he’s known for bringing his own brand of beats to the party while adding to the overall theme of Christmas chaos. A former aficionado of skateboards and graffiti, Evidence is

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Kozelek is well-known for both his covers and his own compositions, as formidable as they are. He turned AC/DC’s “You Ain’t Got a Hold on Me” into a brooding ballad that’s as full of melancholy as a cloud-laden sky. Originally making his mark on the Sub Pop label with his first unit, the esteemed indie rock band Red House Painters, he pursued a solo career after the ’90s and formed the folk-rock group Sun Kil Moon. Several years ago, he caught heat over some insensitive statements he made toward other bands and female music writers, which soured some fans to his music. But last year found Sun Kil Moon’s Universal Themes (Caldo Verde) astounding again, and again offers a reminder that less-thanstellar people can still sometimes create profound works of art. (Brian Staker) The State Room, 638 S. State, 8 p.m., $25, 21+, TheStateRoomSLC.com

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MONDAY 12.12

The Wood Brothers, Ben Sollee

There’s nothing like the bond between brothers—except of course when the brothers involved are the Kinks’ Ray and Dave Davies, or Oasis’ notoriously spiteful duo Noel and Liam Gallagher. Yet while those feuding siblings represent the negative side of the brotherly bond, Chris and Oliver Wood show that family ties can remain intact especially when they’re musical mates. Granted, it took a while for that pairing to be perfected, since each had individual gigs to tend to before. Chris had seen success as part of the trio Medeski Martin & Wood, while Oliver toured with Tinsley Ellis prior to going out on his own. Now united, and with drummer Jano Rix in tow, they boast six albums that reflect a singular blend of rock, blues and Americana, all in perfect harmony. It’s a sound so natural that it could only come from those who share the same genes. Here’s one case where blood beats barbs. (LZ) The State Room, 638 S. State, 9 p.m., sold out, 21+, TheStateRoomSLC.com

The Wood Brothers

WEDNESDAY 12.14 Red Fang, Torche, Whores

Portland stoner/sludge metal act Red Fang is the kind of angry noise you’re liable to find yourself toe-tapping to—maybe even smiling. With all the venom and menace inherent in heavy metal music, the best acts in the genre remember that music is first and foremost an instrument of pleasure, even if sometimes it comes from the banging of heads. In just over 10 years, they’ve carved a niche for themselves, and have grown with each release. Their most recent is Only Ghosts (Relapse, 2016), and as the wavy optical illusion-y cover art implies, they care a great deal about the sound, shaping waveforms to penetrate your skull like an incisor. Openers include Miami sludgers Torche and Atlanta quartet Whores, who yield interesting results when you enter their moniker into the Googlebox. (BS) The Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East, 7 p.m., $22, 21+, TheUrbanLoungeSLC.com

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LIVE

CONCERTS & CLUBS THURSDAY 12.8

NEIL CAMPBELL

Rick Gerber

In September, rock/funk band Badfeather dropped one of the best local releases of the year: Signal Path, produced by Dave Aron (Sublime, Snoop Dogg). It’s an incredibly satisfying listen, for sure, showcasing the band’s keen musicianship and the songwriting of singer/multi-instrumentalist Rick Gerber, a cat so into music that he performs with Badfeather, the cover band Rick Gerber & the Nightcaps, the folk/Americana duo The Bookends (with his lady, Le Voir’s Gillian Chase) and at Molly Bloom’s dueling pianos night. On Thursday, however, you’re gettin’ a Gerber-only show, acoustic and intimate, comprised of his solo compositions and maybe a few oft-requested Badfeather tunes—and perhaps even some Bookends’ tunes, if Gerber gets Chase to pop in. Either way, with a guy like Gerber, you’re gonna be happy with whatever he decides to play. (Randy Harward) The Hog Wallow, 3200 E. Big Cottonwood Canyon Road, 9:30 p.m., $5, 21+, TheHogWallow.com

THURSDAY 12.8 LIVE MUSIC

Battle of the Bands No. 4 feat. Clyp + Michael Barrow + Brogan Kelby + Local Chump (Velour) Fat Nick + Lil Peep + Mikey the Magician + Smokepurpp + Don Krez (The Complex) Face Your Maker + Kriminals + Declared Aversion + Cries of the Captive + Allies Always Lie (The Loading Dock) Ferry Corsten (Sky) Hands Like Houses + Our Last Night + The Color Morale + Out Came the Wolves (In the Venue) How the Grouch Stole Christmas feat. Living Legends + Evidence (The Depot) see p. 45 Joe McQueen Quartet (Garage on Beck) Mark Kozelek (The State Room) see p. 45

Phillip Kuehn (Gallivan Center) The Proper Way Band (Gracie’s) Rick Gerber (The Hog Wallow) see left Rylee McDonald Live Acoustic (Twist) SLC Rock Camp for Girls Fundraiser feat. Flux Tiger + Gotham Squad + Frantastic + The Sass (Kilby Court) see p. 45 SLUG Localized: CHOiCE + Le Voir (The Urban Lounge)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

Dueling Pianos (The Spur Bar & Grill) The Final Dance Evolution (Metro Music Hall) Jazz Jam Session (Sugar House Coffee) Reggae Thursday (The Royal) Throwback Thursday: Old-School HipHop Night (Liquid Joe’s) WNTR: A Gathering of Nightlife Tastemakers (Downstairs PC)

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12.8 RICK GERBER

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SPIRITS • FOOD • GOOD COMPANY

VDJ Birdman DJ Juggy SAT: DJ Handsome Hands

THURS:

Joe McQueen Quartet

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48 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

SATURDAY 12.10

CONCERTS & CLUBS

JJ BARNES

The Funky Furnace Winter Soul-stice with DJ Feral Cat

New Expanded Hours for Rye: Monday-Friday from 9am-2pm Saturday and Sunday from 9am-3pm Friday and Sunday from 6pm-11pm

Free ticket Tuesday at Rye! 1 entree = 1 ticket at Urban Lounge (while supplies last) www.ryeslc.com

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DJ FLASH & FLARE

COMING SOON

Dec 20: Human Leather Dec 21: The Wild War Dec 22: Punk Rock X-mas Dec 23: VNDMG Dec 27: RS2090

Dec 28: Koala Temple Reunion Show Dec 29: Scenic Byway Dec 30: Iceburn Dec 31: New Year’s Eve Party

DJ Feral Cat’s (Sam Stinson) Soulville nights at Burt’s Tiki Lounge (RIP) and The Urban Lounge are the only place in town where you can hear real soul music. Not the perfectly fine neo-soul of Sharon Jones (RIP), Charles Bradley or Lee Fields & the Expressions, but the O.G. stuff—the true notes put out decades ago on labels like Stax/Volt, Brunswick, Okeh and Hi, on the original 45s so, Stinson says, you “people can really feel the blasting analog grooves.” That goooood soul music where even the sad songs make you happy, coupled with the holiday feel-goods, means this show’s gonna elevate your mood so much that you can high-five Santa if he happens to take a Saturday-night test flight. Come early, though, to make sure you can get in. The last Soulville event at Urban a couple of months back was “packed,” according to Stinson. “People were dancing all wild and crazy,” he says. (RH) The Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East, 9:30 p.m., free before 10:30 p.m., $3 after, 21+, TheUrbanLoungeSLC.com

FRIDAY 12.9

SATURDAY 12.10

LIVE MUSIC

Advent Horizon (Wee Blu Inn) Battle of the Bands No. 5 feat. Elytra + Paint + The Woods + The Fangs + Sister Adolescent (Velour) The Crook & The Bluff (Garage on Beck) Dimebag Darrell Tribute Show feat. A Balance of Power + Universal Choke Sign + Sugar Bone + DiseNgageD + Dipped in Whiskey + Mouth of Sheol (Liquid Joe’s) Dine Krew and DJ SamEyeAm + Shanghaii + AZA + Earthworm and DJ Clësh + Erasole James and DJ BASK (Metro Music Hall) Dubwise: Dirt Monkey + PROVOKE + illoom (The Urban Lounge) Hectic Hobo + Sex Wax Surfers (O.P. Rockwell) Live Local Music (A Bar Named Sue) Live Local Music (A Bar Named Sue on State) Live Music (Outlaw Saloon) Mark Owens (Westerner) Mios + Barbaloot Suitz + D-Rock (Funk ’n’ Dive) Red Dog Revival (The Hog Wallow) Royal Bliss (The Cabin) Son of Ian (The Green Pig) Wicked Bears + Housewarming Party + Cat Ghost Formerly Known As Ghost Cat (Kilby Court) Timeless (Club 90) Quinn Brown Project (Brewski’s)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Chaseone2 (Twist) Christmas Jam 2016 (The Depot) Lavelle Dupree (Downstairs PC)

Against the Current + Cruisr + Beach Weather + Noname (In the Venue) Big Sandy & His Fly-Rite Boys (Garage on Beck) A Country Christmas with Charley Jenkins & Friends (Zermatt Utah) Advent Horizon (Wee Blu Inn) The Funky Furnace Winter Soul-stice feat. DJ Feral Cat (The Urban Lounge) see above Get Down Tonight (Brewski’s) Hotel Le Motel (The Hog Wallow) Ian Crawford + Whitney Morgan + Sam Smith (The Royal) Jeff Dillon (Why Sound) Josh Wright (Viridian Center) Joy Spring Band (Sugar House Coffee) Larusso + Brickson + Thieving V (Kilby Court) Live Music (Outlaw Saloon) Noname + Saba (In the Venue) Samba Fogo (Metro Music Hall) Sam Outlaw + Cale Tyson (The State Room) Soulja Boy (Club Elevate) The Spazmatics (Liquid Joe’s) Steve Vai (The Complex) Suburban Hell Kill + DieMonsterDie + Left of Right + more TBA (Club X) Timeless (Club 90) Winter Battle of the Bands Finals (Velour)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

DJ Latu (The Green Pig) DJ Shift (Downstairs PC) DJ Sneeky Long (Twist) Dueling Piano Show (Funk ’n’ Dive) Paul Oakenfold (Park City Live) The (RED) Party w/ Tony Arzadon (Sky) Smiths Night w/ DJ Courtney (Area 51)

SUNDAY 12.11 LIVE MUSIC

Callanish (Garage on Beck) Irish Session Folks (Sugar House Coffee) Live Bluegrass (Club 90)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE DJ Curtis Strange (Willie’s Lounge) Live Blues Jam (The Green Pig)

MONDAY 12.12 LIVE MUSIC

A Very Merry Bar J Christmas (Zermatt Utah) Elkebu album release/listening party (Velour) Ernie Ball Move Mountains Tour feat. The World Over (Area 51) GENTRI (Abravanel Hall) Monday Night Jazz Session w/ David Halliday & the Jazz Vespers Quartet (Gracie’s) Sculpture Club + All Your Sisters + Soft Kill + Choir Boy (The Urban Lounge) The Wood Brothers + Ben Sollee (The State Room) see p. 46

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Monday Night Blues Jam (The Royal) Open Blues Jam (The Green Pig) Open Jam hosted by Robby’s Blues Explosion (The Hog Wallow)

TUESDAY 12.13 LIVE MUSIC

Ernie Ball Move Mountains Tour feat. The World Over (D&R Spirits) Seeker + Elysium + Silence Protocol + False Witness (The Loading Dock) Tele Novella + Daisy & the Moonshines + Dream Slut (The Urban Lounge) Whistling Rufus (Sugar House Coffee)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Open Mic (The Royal)

WEDNESDAY 12.14 LIVE MUSIC

Bar J Wranglers (UCCU Center) Dylan Roe (The Hog Wallow) Jazz at the 90 (Club 90) Pigeon (Twist) Red Fang, Torches, Whores (The Urban Lounge) see p. 46 Soul Vibe + Pixie and The Partygrass Boys + Oskar & Julia (Kilby Court) Sworn Enemy + Hoods + Drowning + Stab (Metro Music Hall)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE DJ Birdman (Twist) Open Mic (Muse Music) Xmas Open Mic (Velour)

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DURAN DURAN

BY DAVID LEVINSON WILK

ACROSS

Last weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s answers

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DECEMBER 8, 2016 | 51

No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.

Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9.

1. When "Double, double toil and trouble" is chanted in "Macbeth" 2. Olympic speed skater Davis 3. Some Balkanites 4. Big-screen movie format 5. ____ Draper, "Mad Men" character 6. "However ..." 7. Hawke of "Boyhood" 8. What a criminal may be on 9. Speedy two-wheelers 10. Knife, e.g. 11. Half a school year: Abbr. 12. Stat for Clayton Kershaw 13. Cacophony

favorite food 60. Bathroom powder 61. The Cardinals, on scoreboards 62. "____ Como Va" (1971 Santana hit) 63. Put ____ fight 64. Crucial 65. Suffix with Ecuador or Euclid

SUDOKU

DOWN

18. Actresses Kravitz and Saldana 19. "____ No Sunshine" (1971 hit) 23. "Don't shoot!," e.g. 24. Enigma machine decoder Turing 25. It's worth 100 smackers 26. ____ Burr, major role in "Hamilton" 27. Young hijos 29. Tax org. 31. Site that promises "Better information. Better health" 32. "Goodbye, mon ami!" 33. "____ is human ..." 35. Juilliard deg. 39. Costa ____ 40. Score after deuce 41. Below zero: Abbr. 44. "It's a no-____!" 48. Not long from now 49. Nav. bigwigs 50. Pillowcase material 52. Heed a red light 54. Bodybuilder's dirty secret, informally 56. Simmering, say 57. Fab Four surname 58. Winnie-the-Pooh's

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1. Buffoon 4. "Sounds likely to me" 9. Was reflective 14. Revolutionary Guevara 15. Yap, so to speak 16. Ferrell's cheerleading partner on "SNL" 17. Much-filmed swinger 20. E-mail folder 21. Otherworldly 22. Aid in getting a grip 23. Film-cropping technique often used for TV that Turner Classic Movies proudly eschews 28. Housecat's perch 30. Where Moses got the Ten Commandments 31. Angkor ____ (Cambodian temple) 34. Copier paper buy 36. Bereft 37. ____ Period (time in Japanese history) 38. Bay Area city, informally 42. "____ bad!" 43. "Boyfriend" singer, to fans, with "the" 45. Congressional staffer 46. Coast Guard rank: Abbr. 47. ____-Webster (dictionary publisher) 51. Short smokes? 53. "Girls on Film" band 55. Comedy Central host Daniel 59. Retort to "You are not!" 60. Johnny Depp role of 2013 61. "Yes, let's!" (or this puzzle's theme) 66. Highly competitive, as a personality 67. Perfect 68. Unrefined material 69. Actor/comedian Denis 70. "Bye Bye Bye" boy band 71. Like Oscar Wilde's humor

send leads to

community@cityweekly.net

INSIDE / COMMUNITY BEAT PG. 52 | FREE WILL ASTROLOGY PG. 53 INK PG. 54 | URBAN LIVING PG. 55

THE DOG SHOW

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Emerald in palladium

uct. “We bought our wedding bands there,” Salt Laker Sarah Baird says. “The man who helped us was kind and took his time with us. We talked about music and life. I felt more like we were hanging out with a friend than a salesman. He knew his merchandise and was able to answer all of our questions.” The shop also offers free overnight design services and turnaround in about 1015 days—perfect for the procrastinating gift-giver. Additionally, each piece comes with a lifetime warranty. If you’re in need of a repair, just bring it into the store to be fixed in-house. For the indecisive lady or gentleman planning to pop the question, 9th and 9th Jewelers offers a “loaner proposal ring,” so the big moment can still be a surprise before the couple makes a life-long decision on their engagement ring design. n

9th and 9th Jewelers 872 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City 801-521-6026 Tuesday-Friday: 11 a.m.-7 p.m. Saturday: 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Sunday-Monday: appointment only 9thAnd9thJewelers.com

JOE MAUGHAN

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’Tis the season for extravagant gifts. If you’re looking for something local and just as unique as your special someone, check out 9th and 9th Jewelers. Since 1989, the store has been creating one-of-akind pieces for one-of-a-kind Utahns. Joe Maughan, owner and jeweler, was born and raised in Utah and took over his parents’ operation in 2000. “It’s a really cool business. Not only do I love being an actual jeweler and the art of it, but I work with happy people,” he says. “We specialize in making your perfect engagement ring, from something simple and traditional to unique and completely you. You have an idea, I make it happen for you.” Maughan says his customers are usually couples, and 95 percent of sales are custom engagement rings. He takes pride in the service the shop offers. “We use all recycled metals, we source stones from all over the world—not just diamonds, but colored stones,” he says. Their diamonds are all conflict-free and they can source any gem stone a client desires. They also sell pieces in palladium—a silver-colored precious metal that is scratch resistant and, unlike gold, hypoallergenic. At the same price as gold, palladium has the added benefit of providing silver color without needing ongoing rhodium plating treatments like traditional white gold rings. “It’s very hard to find jewelers that offer it because it is very hard to work with,” Maughan says. Customers are delighted with the level of service, as well as the gorgeous end prodJOE MAUGHAN

Winter Grooming and Neat Things

JOE MAUGHAN

A Gem for a Gem

52 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

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T BEA

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) “The awesome splendor of the universe is much easier to deal with if you think of it as a series of small chunks,” wrote novelist Terry Pratchett. That’s true enough, but I’ll add a caveat: Now and then the trickle of small chunks of awesome splendor gives way to a surge of really big chunks. According to my astrological analysis, that’s either already happening for you, or else is about to happen. Can you handle it? I’m sure you’ve noticed that some people are unskilled at welcoming such glory; they prefer to keep their lives tidy and tiny. They might even get stressed out by their good fortune. I trust you’re not one of these fainthearted souls. I hope you will summon the grace you’ll need to make spirited use of the onslaught of magnificence. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) In his book The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig coins words to describe previously unnamed feelings. I suspect you might have experienced a few of them recently. One is “monachopsis,” defined as “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.” Then there’s “altschmerz,” meaning “weariness with the same old issues you’ve always had.” Another obscure sorrow you might recognize is “nodus tollens,” or “the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense anymore.” Now I’ll tell you two of Koenig’s more uplifting terms, which I bet you’ll feel as you claw your way free of the morass. First, there’s “liberosis”: caring less about unimportant things; relaxing your grip so you can hold your life loosely and playfully. Second, there’s “flashover,” that moment when conversations become “real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony.”

CANCER (June 21-July 22) The poet Dick Allen described Zen Buddhism as being “so filled with paradoxes that it jumps through hoops that aren’t even there.” I’m tempted to apply this description to the way you’ve been living your life recently. While I can see how it might have entertained you to engage in such glamorous intrigue, I’m hoping you will stop. There is no longer anything to be gained by the complicated hocus-pocus. But it’s fine for you to jump through actual hoops if doing so yields concrete benefits. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) For decades, numerous self-help authors have claimed that humans use 10 percent or less of their brain’s potential. But the truth is that our gray matter is far more active than that. The scientific evidence is now abundant. I hope this helps spur you to destroy any limited assumptions you might have about your own brainpower, Leo. According to my astrological analysis, you could and should become significantly smarter in the next nine months—and wiser, too!

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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Born under the sign of Virgo, Mary Oliver is America’s bestselling poet. She wasn’t an overnight sensation, but she did win a Pulitzer Prize when she was 49. “What I loved in the beginning, I think, was mostly myself,” she confesses in one poem. “Never mind that I had to, since somebody had to. That was many years ago.” I bet that even at her current age of 81, PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) For three seasons of the year—spring, summer, and fall—a certain Oliver is still refining and deepening her self-love. Neither she weasel species has brown fur. During that time, it’s known as a nor you will ever be finished with this grand and grueling project. stoat. When winter arrives, the creature’s coat turns to white. Its Luckily for you both, now is a time when Virgos can and should name changes, too. We call it an ermine. The next spring, it once make plucky progress in the ongoing work. (P.S.: And this is an again becomes a stoat. Given the nature of the astrological omens, essential practice if you want to keep refining and deepening Pisces, I think it would make poetic sense for you to borrow this your love for others.) strategy. What would you like your nickname to be during the next three months? Here are a few suggestions: Sweet Sorcerer; Secret LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Freedom-Seeker; Lost-and-Found Specialist; Mystery Maker; Most high-quality suits worn by men are made from the wool of merino sheep raised in Australia. So says Nicholas Resurrector. Antongiavanni in his book The Suit: A Machiavellian Approach to Men’s Style. There are now more than 100 million members of ARIES (March 21-April 19) Normally I cheer you on when you devote single-minded attention to this breed, but they are all descendants of just two rams and four pressing concerns, even if you become a bit obsessive. But right now, ewes from 18th-century Spain. How did that happen? It’s a long in accordance with astrological omens, I invite you to run wild and story. (Read about it here: tinyurl.com/merinosheep.) For the free as you sample lavish variety. It’s prime time to survey a spectrum oracular purposes of this horoscope, I’ll simply say that in the of spicy, shiny, and feisty possibilities … to entertain a host of ticklish next nine months you’ll also have the potential to germinate a riddles rather than to insist on prosaic answers. You have been few choice seeds that could ultimately yield enormous, enduring authorized by the cosmos to fabricate your own temporary religion results. Choose well! of playing around and messing around and fooling around. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Five of my Scorpio acquaintances and 17 of my Scorpio readers TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Taurus poet Adrienne Rich described “an honorable human rela- have let me know that they’re actively seeking to make new tionship” as “one in which two people have the right to use the word alliances and strengthen their existing alliances. Does this mean ‘love.’” How is that right earned? How is such a bond nurtured? that Scorpios everywhere are engaged in similar quests? I hope Rich said it was “often terrifying to both persons involved,” because so. I would love to see you expand your network of like-minded it’s “a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.” I bring souls. I would love for you to be ardent about recruiting more this to your attention, Taurus, because you’re in a favorable phase help and support. Happily, the current astrological omens favor to become an even more honorable lover, friend, and ally than you such efforts. Hot tip: For best results, be receptive, inviting, already are. To take advantage of the opportunity, explore this ques- and forthright. tion: How can you supercharge and purify your ability to speak and hear the truth?

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) In 1983, two Australian blokes launched a quest to tip a drink at every pub in Melbourne. Thirty-two years later, Mick Stevens and Stuart MacArthur finally accomplished their goal when they sipped beers at The Clyde. It was the 476th establishment on their list. The coming weeks will be a highly favorable time to plan an epic adventure of your own, Aquarius. I hope and pray, though, that you will make it more sacred and meaningful than Stevens’ and MacArthur’s trivial mission.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) In Goethe’s play Faust, the hero bemoans his lack of inner unity. Two different souls live within him, he says, and they don’t cooperate. Even worse, they each try to rule him without consulting the other. I’m guessing you’ve experienced a more manageable version of that split during the course of your life. Lately, though, it might have grown more intense and divisive. If that’s true, I think it’s a good sign. It portends the possibility that healing is in the works … that energy is building for a novel synthesis. To help make it happen, identify and celebrate what your two sides have in common.

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54 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

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White Elephant in the Room

It’s that time of the year when most of us have to participate in the mandatory office party or a holiday party with a social group we belong to … whether we like it or not. Most likely it will be a white elephant event. The premise is that everyone participating brings a wrapped gift which is placed in a pile of other presents, and the goal is not to get a really great gift but to entertain the party-goers. One by one, each participant picks a present, unwraps it and hopes it’s not too awful. The next person can pick what the last guy unwrapped or chose a new one. If it’s done right, the party can be hilarious by limiting the amount of money that can be spent and picking a theme for the prizes (i.e. naughty or re-gift). I remember I worked for one company that had an annual white elephant holiday party and a certain really bad lamp got passed along year after year until finally someone just threw it in the trash. The idea of the gift exchange is based on a legend. Long, long ago the King of Siam (now Thailand) was known as a generous man. He would gift rare albino elephants to courtiers who displeased him. One might think that an elephant would be a mighty fine gift indeed. However, the upkeep would exceed the usefulness of the beast and force the recipient into poverty. Pachyderms eat a ton (literally) and white elephants in Buddhist mythology are sacred and forbidden from performing any kind of manual labor. So they will just suck you dry while giving you nothing in return except their beauty. Being that they are sacred creatures, they must only be fed the best provisions, live in the most luxurious elephant housing, and wear robes and jewels. If you get roped into having to go to a white elephant soirée this year, here are some hints for potential contributions to the present pile. First, lots of folks would love to walk away with a nice bottle of wine from the office party. Get a good-looking wine bag or flask, but instead of wine, put in a bottle of some crazy sauce you find at a local ethnic grocery store. Second, intricate wrapping is a great enticement. Take that toner cartridge you used up last week in the office for the blue color and cover it in fine paper and ribbon. Look around the office—there could be something you borrow to wrap up, like last year’s office calendar or the creepy plastic frog the receptionist has at her desk. The hit of one party I went to last year was a brand new set of anal beads. n Content is prepared expressly for Community and is not endorsed by City Weekly staff.

Babs De Lay

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56 | DECEMBER 8, 2016

Poets Corner

DEER RUN PRESER VE

Behold Deer Run Preserve (“Deer Run”, to instruct the deer what to do and “Preserve”? What balls) a new housing development in the foothills where the deer’s habitat used to be surrounded by a prototype of Trump’s border wall designed to keep the detainees - er, residents - in and behind which they can preserve themselves from the local wildlife and other life and from the nearby high-crime Draper, Utah slums and from human suffering in the real world and to preserve their petunias from the deer. Bunkers available as an option.

R.P. Kelleher

Send your poem (max 15 lines), to: Poet’s Corner, City Weekly, 248 South Main Street, SLC, UT 84101 or e-mail to poetscorner@cityweekly.net.

Published entrants receive a $15 value gift from CW. Each entry must include name and mailing address.

#cwpoetscorner

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