City Weekly Dec 22, 2016

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | VOL. 33 N0. 33

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We get into the holiday heads of some of the most notable people of the year so you don’t have to.

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2 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

CWCONTENTS COVER STORY LETTERS TO SANTA

An official Red Ryder carbineaction 200-shot range model air rifle, world domination, you know ... the yooj.

Cover illustration by Derek Carlisle

16

CONTRIBUTOR

4 LETTERS 6 OPINION 8 NEWS 20 NYE GUIDE 25 A&E 28 DINE 34 CINEMA 37 TRUE TV 38 MUSIC 50 COMMUNITY

SANTA CLAUS

Your chimney That’s Mr. Kringle, if you’re nasty. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake—which you must admit is creepy af. He’s the reason for the season! (Sort of). Whatever the case, we tip out fur-lined hat to you, Dear Santa, in hopes that City Weekly is on your nice list this year.

.NET

CITYWEEKLY

NEWS

Presidential electors actually did something good! J/k.

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FOOD

Eat your feelings away with tasty chicken cacciatore.

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SOAP BOX

CITYW

COMMENTS@CITYWEEKLY.NET @SLCWEEKLY

@CITYWEEKLY

My Christmas wish is that no one purchases anything for me from a national company. No Amazon, no national chain or corporation of any kind. There are many cute local boutiques where our money goes solely to local merchants and not one penny goes to a corp.

Here is one of my favorite places to shop: White Elephant Exchange & Boutique on 1305 S. 900 East. Support your local merchants. The corps have enough money.

TARA JEFFERSON

Blog post, Dec. 13 “Mayor announces sites for four new homeless resource centers.”

From what I understand, there were about 1,200 people just at the Road Home during the really cold snap last Tuesday night. Four Smaller Shelters are not an improvement.

LIZZY TAYLOR Via Facebook

I’m not thrilled that one of them is being built right in my neighborhood. But I certainly understand the need. Unfortunately, there’s no perfect answer to this problem.

Via Facebook This looks awesome!

@UTAHBBB

ALISHA WELLS

Via Twitter

Via Facebook

Hilarious!

It’s really irritating seeing people say we need more homeless shelters but then in the same sentence complain if one is built in their neighborhood.

@MADISONMCFARLAND Via Instagram

Blog post, Dec. 8, “On the Lamb”

What an eye-catching protest! Vegan wool is easy to find, and it will keep you warm and cozy without contributing to cruelty.

PAULA RENEE

Via CityWeekly.net Really? Can’t even shave sheep now without hurting feelings? Gimme a break.

@FUHGETABOTIT Via Instagram

Can we protest PETA destroying over a decade of cancer research? Or creating shorter lives for over 85 percent of the animals they “save”?

@HALFANDHALF801 Via Instagram

How does shaving a sheep hurt it? [pensive Do humans not get hair cuts? Don’t understand PETA. Via Instagram

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DECEM

BER 8 , 2016

@SLCWEEKLY

Cover story, Dec. 8, Gift Guide 2016

@CARRANZA_HERO

E E K LY

BLAKE WARREN Via Facebook

on everything. Keep it centralized and provide opportunities that will help these people so they can help themselves.

CAYSON KING Via Facebook

We don’t just need space; we need more case workers. More case workers means better outcomes and less chronic homelessness. Let’s keep advocating; this is a start!

Yift

AMI JO MCCLAIN Via Facebook

When they start roaming my neighborhood, I will happily drive them over to Jackie’s house. Like a new kind of Uber.

2016

PAUL CONSIGLIO Via Facebook

How are the folks in need going to get to the Fourth Street Clinic?

I guess it’s hard to fill downtown SLC with high luxury apartments/condos on every corner when there are homeless all over, so might as well disperse them elsewhere.

JUSTIN BOGENSCHUTZ Via Facebook

I think that it is a shame that there are so many available spaces [and] we are going to use millions of dollars to build new facilities. What a complete waste of money and an incredible tax burden on the citizens of Salt Lake City. How could she get away with this? Why are people not demanding that they use existing resources?

JAMIE MOORE ZAYACH Via Facebook

It’s better having it in one area rather than spreading the issue, making it more expensive for law enforcement to keep an eye

| VOL . 33 N0.

LAYNE JONES

NANNETTE MINCHEY Via Facebook

Via Facebook

Dine, Dec. 8, Laan Na Thai

Citizen Revolt, Dec. 8, “Female Ambassador to Speak”

If a talk by high-ranking official in the U.S.’ imperialist catastrophe in Afghanistan qualifies as “Citizen Revolt,” one shudders to imagine what would constitute “Apathetic Quiescence.” Perhaps, just maybe, the selections for Citizen Revolt could have something more to do with … revolt?

Alternatively, change the title to “Events.”

NED TUNDUP,

I live right above this place! The couple is so kind, and the food is great. So cool to read this story about them. Definitely one of my favorite little Thai spots.

HEATHER BALDOCK Via CityWeekly.net Love this place!

MICHAEL COX Via Facebook

Cover story, Dec. 1, “Chicana Voices”

Salt Lake CIty

Music, Dec. 8 “The Old-Fashioned Way”

instruments. It is equally gratifying to know it is in our community in Utah.

Thank you @DylantheHarris @CityWeekly for your article about Chicana voices and POC experiences in academia.

It is so nice to know that such skills are still being employed to make beautiful

@HEYITSAURELIO Via Twitter

STAFF Publisher JOHN SALTAS Editorial

Editor ENRIQUE LIMÓN Arts &Entertainment Editor SCOTT RENSHAW Music Editor RANDY HARWARD Senior Staff Writer STEPHEN DARK Staff Writer DYLAN WOOLF HARRIS Copy Editor ANDREA HARVEY Proofers SARAH ARNOFF, LANCE GUDMUNDSEN

Dining Listings Coordinator MIKEY SALTAS Editorial Intern RHETT WILKINSON Contributors CECIL ADAMS, KATHARINE BIELE, ROB BREZSNY, RYAN CUNNINGHAM, BABS DE LAY, KYLEE EHMANN, BILL FROST, MARYANN JOHANSON, JOHN RASMUSON, DAVID RIEDEL, TED SCHEFFLER, GAVIN SHEEHAN, CHUCK SHEPHERD, ALEX SPRINGER, BRIAN STAKER, LORI A. WAGNER, LEE ZIMMERMAN

Production

Art Director DEREK CARLISLE Assistant Art Director CAMILLE ELMER Graphic Artists CAIT LEE, SUMMER MONTGOMERY, JOSH SCHEUERMAN

Circulation

Circulation Manager LARRY CARTER

Business/Office

Accounting Manager CODY WINGET Associate Business Manager PAULA SALTAS Business Department Administrator ALISSA DIMICK Technical Director BRYAN MANNOS Office Administrator NICOLE ENRIGHT

Marketing

Marketing & Events Director JACKIE BRIGGS Street Team STEPHANIE ABBOTT, SHAUNTEL ARCHULETTA, BEN BALDRIDGE, TYLER GRAHAM, ADAM LANE, ANDY ROMERO, LAUREN TAGGE, MIKAYLA THURBUR, STEVEN VARGO

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Director of Advertising, Magazine Division JENNIFER VAN GREVENHOF

Director of Advertising, Newsprint Division PETE SALTAS Digital Operations Manager ANNA PAPADAKIS Director of Digital Development CHRISTIAN PRISKOS Digital Sales LINDSAY LARKIN, JUAN SANCHEZ Senior Account Executives DOUG KRUITHOF, KATHY MUELLER

Retail Account Executives LISA DORELLI, TYESON ROGERS, NICK SASICH, SIERRA SESSIONS, JEREMIAH SMITH Display Advertising 801-413-0936 National Advertising VMG Advertising 888-278-9866 VMGAdvertising.com

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6 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

OPINION

Odds and Ends

One of my relatives has been forwarding me cringe-inducing, right-wingnut emails for years. Most of them are bigoted diatribes. Some mimic Op-ed essays.

Others masquerade as news stories, as in “Obama installs Muslim Prayer Curtain in the White House.” I just delete them. I used to reply—“Who has time to write this stuff?”—but I never got an answer. Not until a few weeks back. Not from my relative but from none other than Tom Brokaw, the 76-year-old dean of broadcast journalism.

During his lecture at Rowland Hall, as he talked about social media’s role in American politics, he attributed those offensive emails to guys who couldn’t get a date for the prom, hunkered down in the basement in their underwear, venting their spleens on the internet. The image resonated like an inside joke. He then turned to “The Greatest Generation,” a Brokaw coinage, and to stories of World War II. The audience grew rapt. There was no mistaking the instinctive human response to a storyteller.

I try to remember stories that seem to offer an epiphany of the kind described by the great Irish writer James Joyce. For him, an ordinary circumstance or snatch of conversation could provide an epiphanic insight as the flash of a strobe does in a dark room. I hold on to my stories in the hope that, like seeds, some might take root and eventually blossom in an essay or such.

Here are five prospects: Thirty years ago, my friend Helen worked as a waitress in a chain restaurant in Massachusetts. In addition to their usual tasks, the waitresses had to make milkshakes.

On busy Saturday and Sunday mornings, the time required to scoop ice cream into a metal canister, add flavoring and milk, then mix it in a blender—it was just too much. Besides, she said, the milkshake

BY JOHN RASMUSON

orders usually came from hung-over college students who left no tips. To those who ordered a milkshake, then, she said, “Sorry, the machine is broken.” Last summer, I met Helen for breakfast at a restaurant of the same chain. On a Tuesday morning at 10 a.m., the tables were empty; the waitresses, bored. So in the give and take of ordering, I told our young waitress Helen’s story. She turned to Helen and said brightly, “Then every waitress on the shift had to say the same thing.” “That’s right!” Helen replied, laughing. We all laughed. I laughed because I hadn’t recognized conspiracy at the heart of the milkshake anecdote. The waitress laughed because it wasn’t a new story.

Mohsin Hamid, 45, has written three novels, and his byline appears in places like The New York Times and Time magazine. He has degrees from Princeton and Harvard Law School. I met him in a gym in Lahore, Pakistan, in 2002. I eventually asked if he would participate in a seminar at his high school alma mater, the Lahore American School (LAS), to discuss his first novel, Moth Smoke. I was a teacher at LAS, and my students were part of the wealthy class of Pakistanis the novel featured. He was enthusiastic. So were my students.

They even read the book! The seminar exceeded all expectations, and in a culminating Q&A session, a boy asked for advice for the class of 2002 preparing for college in the U.S. Hamid explained that Moth Smoke was written in lieu of a senior thesis after he had lost interest in law school. His advice, then: “Don’t work your way into Harvard Law School only to realize that you would hate to be a lawyer.”

My friend Ed worked for General Electric. He was an engineer. He led teams that built turbines and electric motors for submarines. He once took me to the plant to see one of the motors. It was the size of an Airstream trailer. Those in the business of

building submarines were fixated on noise reduction. To be silent was to survive in underwater warfare. (Remember the noiseless caterpillar drive in The Hunt for Red October?) One day, as Ed and I struggled to converse in a noisy restaurant, I told him I had read that a high-decibel din resulted in more food and drink being consumed.

“Noise is an indication of inefficiency,” he replied matter-of-factly. “Noise is wasted energy.”

I consider myself a cookie connoisseur, and so I was attracted by this headline a few years back in The New York Times: “The Consummate Chocolate-chip Cookie.”

The secret of the best cookie? Use high-quality chocolate wafers, let the dough rest for 36 hours and sprinkle sea salt on the cookies before baking.

“The sea salt is not an option,” food writer David Leite averred. “It’s the beacon at the top of this gorgeous treat.”

Joan Didion wrote a number of essays for the Saturday Evening Post in the 1960s.

They have been collected in a book titled Slouching Towards Bethlehem. In it, Didion writes: “The Post is extremely receptive to what the writer wants to do … and is meticulous about not changing copy. I lose a nicety of inflection now and then, but do not count myself compromised.” While writing columns like this since 2006, I have occasionally found myself crosswise with a copy editor, i.e. we disagreed about which word went where—the niceties of inflection, as Didion wrote. City Weekly editors are polite, but I imagine them rolling their eyes whenever I object to one of my “nice inflections” being altered. I have been tempted to share Didion’s words with them, but I never have. CW

THERE WAS NO MISTAKING THE INSTINCTIVE HUMAN RESPONSE TO A STORYTELLER.

Send feedback to: comments@cityweekly.net

STAFF BOX

Readers can comment at cityweekly.net

Let’s flip the switch. What would you gift Santa Claus?

Nicole Enright: ​I don’t even know him.

I’ve heard he likes milk and cookies, though.​ Scott Renshaw: Has anybody ever asked him if he wants those cookies we leave for him? Maybe he’s gluten intolerant. I’m thinking maybe a plate with a Trader Joe’s gift card on it.

Rhett Wilkinson: Real estate where it isn’t always freezing.

Jeremiah Smith: Turtle Fur. Those things are amazing.

Andrea Harvey: Coal! Payback for the stocking-stuffers I got as a kid.

Enrique Limón: A copy of City Weekly’s 2016 Gift Guide, of course. Poor guy must be running out of ideas by now.

Paula Saltas: A back, crack and sack wax. I’m sure Mrs. Claus would appreciate it.

Randy Harward: I’d pimp his ride: Replace the reindeer with bull moose, each outfitted with huge Camelbaks filled with corn ethanol and Rockstar. A windshield on the sleigh—seriously, who drives around the world each year for an eternity behind so many animals and doesn’t think to block their exhaust? A sweet Frank Frazetta mural on port and starbird (which is a type of seabird that flies only to the right of ships; it’s how they navigated back in “the day”). A rotating waterbed in the back, with accompanying autopilot. Switch out the jingle bells for dingle balls. Ironic ground effects. Hydraulics. Undulating Mrs. Claus dash ornament. And a “La Cucaracha” horn to blast when he flies over D.C., Texas and Arizona.

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DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 7

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8 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

HITS&MISSES

BY KATHARINE BIELE

FIVE SPOT

RANDOM QUESTIONS, SURPRISING ANSWERS

@kathybiele

The Bright Side

Despite the fact that the mayor just wants the public to go sit in the corner, the shelter sites might have some worth. Let’s face it—the Sugar House site is the most controversial and perhaps holds the most promise. That, of course, is why the city council and mayor should have made more of an effort to talk to potential neighbors before making their decision. They didn’t, and now there’s a petition to force that dialogue. Some are threatening to sell their homes, others are concerned about their businesses dying, and a few are welcoming the opportunity to interact with the less dangerous segment of the homeless population—such as single moms and their kids—according to the daily newspapers. Anna Brower Thomas was one: “Bring on our new homeless friends! I hope to have many breakfasts at Dee’s with my new neighbors.”

Inversion is Coming

Take a deep breath and hold it until spring. Or you could hold it until 2019—the EPA compliance deadline for Logan, Provo and Salt Lake City’s dirty air. These cities, as well as Anchorage, Alaska, have the distinction of failed compliance. In other words, we’re still breathing all that “fine” particulate pollution. It’s not for lack of trying, although Utah tries by “encouraging” people to do stuff. Next month, The Salt Lake Tribune notes, there’s an initiative to ask employers—pretty please—to be more flexible with start times. And then there are all those people expected to grow the city by 2020. Maybe none of this will matter if Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt—a climate change denier and EPA opponent—is confirmed as head of that agency.

CAT PALMER

The most questionable aspect of the homeless shelter process is its secrecy. Has history taught us anything? Government’s “just trust us” mentality has brought us Edward Snowden, Julian Assange and numerous other whistleblowers from both sides of the aisle. Then there’s the prevalent attitude that government officials are elected because they are just sooo much smarter than everyone else.

In this case, it was probably more about fear than egotism. Derek Kitchen called it a tough job, and, gee, there were so many opportunities to weigh in. In fact, the final decision on the sites was made behind closed doors, and the mayor has refused to answer questions about the effect. It was obvious no one wanted to face the inevitable public opposition. But that’s their job. When a BYU professor wrote a letter to The Salt Lake Tribune, several of the comments went right to what Donald Trump, not Biskupski, will do with power.

PAUL DUANE

Stop the Secrecy

Think you’re an activist? Cat Palmer will put you to shame—in a good way. This local artist/photographer—who was chosen as a staff pick for Best Feminist in City Weekly’s 2016 Best of Utah— will inspire you to do more. As most of you probably know, our state isn’t among the most favorable in terms of women’s rights. But Palmer’s doing something about it—a lot of things, actually—and a good example is her three-part photo series called Keep the Politicians Out of Our Vagina (which you can check out at CatPalmerPhoto.Blogspot.com). Each part has a different theme protesting various political issues, and all feature nude, faceless women (and a handful of men) with powerful messages written on their bodies.

What projects have you been involved in recently?

I was on the committee for SlutWalk, which is where we’re trying to promote consent culture and get rid of rape culture. And we just finished the third round of Keep the Politicians Out of Our Vagina, and this round was called “You Can’t Grab This,” which was inspired by Trump’s recent election, and the derogatory things that he says about women—not just recently, but over his entire career. I was also part of a documentary called Coat Hangers. … We hung 2,000 coat hangers up at the State Capitol for this art activism piece, and some HBO filmmakers interviewed me about my experiences and why I support Planned Parenthood.

How did people respond to the coat hangers?

I was expecting way more backlash. … I don’t think it’s really gotten the traction it deserves yet. When we did it up at the Capitol, and it’s like 6 a.m., and it’s finished, and we’re leaving, somebody was yelling at us—there’s a lot of joggers, believe it or not— these cute little old ladies. And we were horrified. We were trying to get out of there, and we didn’t know if we were going to get in trouble. Then we heard them say, ‘We love it! This is amazing!’ And we were, like, ‘Oh, OK, good.’ So I was surprised. I’ve only had minimal amounts of backlash so far.

What do you fear could happen under our incoming government?

My main concern is people in marginalized groups whose voices aren’t always heard, that their voices are going to continue to not be heard … that their rights could be in jeopardy, and I’m just talking human and civil rights. I feel we’ve elected a bully as a president, and people now think that they’ve been given permission to be a bully. And it’s something that’s very real in this stage.

At this point, how can people stop these things from happening?

On a very simple level, when you see something happening—especially men—if you see someone saying objectifying, misogynistic things to women, speak up. Say something, because your silence is just as bad as the people that are doing these things. We really need a community, and we really need people to have our backs. … Support one another. … Also, research news sources and facts before you share them. I see a lot of misinformation constantly out there. And that’s a problem. People are just perpetuating false news and incorrect information, and it causes damage, and it causes divide. … It’s really important to continue to educate ourselves more as well.

—ANDREA HARVEY comments@cityweekly.net

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DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 9

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10 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

STRAIGHT DOPE Space Case What laws do astronauts follow in space?

What happens if an astronaut smokes pot, commits murder or breaks other criminal laws while in space?

BY CECIL ADAMS SLUG SIGNORINO

The Science of Brewing...

—Fred Van Hecke

1200 S State St. 801-531-8182 / beernut.com www.facebook.com/thebeernut

Beer & Wine brewing supplies

Hours: Sun 10-5pm M-Sat 10am-6:30pm

Back in the ’70s, advance reports that Skylab’s crew was to be supplied with small rations of wine inspired so much public outrage that NASA instituted a strict ban on in-flight alcohol consumption. Any astronaut caught smoking pot, then, might well be summarily forced out the nearest hatch as a matter of policy. As for other forms of space murder: not a likely occurrence just yet, but if commercial off-Earth travel does become routine, eventually human nature will take its course and some serious crime will occur outside of terrestrial jurisdiction. Ideally by then there’ll be working guidelines to cover such eventualities; thus far, though, the field of criminal law hasn’t left our planet’s atmosphere.

It’s not like authorities have been reluctant to export Earth-style legal thinking into the cosmos. Barely a year after the 1957 launch of Sputnik, the U.N. established the Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space, and a 1967 treaty set forth a kind of extraterrestrial constitution, establishing that space and the celestial bodies therein are intended for the use and mutual benefit of all humankind and may not become the property of any nation.

Various other international treaties (establishing things like an obligation to rescue astronauts and liability for damage caused by space objects) and nonbinding agreements followed; the 1996 Declaration on International Cooperation reaffirmed that space is the “province of all mankind.” On the other hand, the 1979 Moon Agreement, mandating that lunar resources be shared equally, hasn’t attracted any major signatories—as I suggested a few years back, nobody’s eager to sign away the quadrillions of dollars in moon minerals that might await.

When all astronauts were either military officers or civilians directly under the authority of a government space agency, none of this mattered much. But then Dennis Tito’s 2001 visit to the International Space Station kicked off the era of space tourism; if private citizens increasingly become spacefarers, complex legal matters will have to get hashed out, presumably in accordance with existing principles of international law. Let’s look at a few space-crime hypotheticals: n Bob and Alice are aboard a NASA spacecraft. Bob eats the last freeze-dried mac-and-cheese meal; Alice cracks his skull with a wrench. Under the principle of territorial jurisdiction, Alice could be tried under U.S. law, because the craft is U.S. government property. For a murder aboard the International Space Station, jointly owned by several nations, jurisdiction would fall to whichever one controlled the segment of the station where the murder occurred. n If Bob and Alice are private citizens on a private spacecraft, things get a little messier.

If the craft is registered in the United States,

then presumably U.S. law would apply, as it does aboard U.S. ships at sea. But if the spacecraft isn’t registered anywhere, a sovereign state might invoke the principle of nationality, which permits an exercise of jurisdiction over its citizens even when they’re abroad.

This is the concept under which U.S. nationals are still required to pay the IRS tax on income earned while living abroad, forbidden to engage in sex tourism with minors, etc. n Let’s say a space-based terrorist cell whose members have renounced all earthly citizenship plot to steer an asteroid into Chicago; to defend itself, the United States could go after them under the protective principle of international law. n If those same terrorists hijack a private spacecraft in orbit, any state might try to justify intervention under the universality approach, based in the longstanding notion that certain serious crimes—piracy being the oldest example—are such a general scourge that nations have a collective interest in combating them. n Finally, and most expansively, a country could attempt to defend its own space-traveling citizens by simply claiming jurisdiction over criminal acts committed against them by any other persons anywhere, under what’s called (somewhat opaquely) the principle of passive personality.

These scenarios deal with serious crimes—terrorism, piracy, murder. The same principles could also apply to lesser infractions, though it’s hard to say if anyone would bother enforcing them. If a French pickpocket relieves a Spanish moon-tourist of his wallet, neither country could claim territorial jurisdiction or a need to protect itself. Petty larceny clearly doesn’t meet the universality standard, and it’s easy to imagine each country concluding it’s not worth invoking nationality or passive personality for such a low-level crime.

And there’s the rub. In space as on Earth, law is one thing, enforcement a whole ’nother. Will a force of space cops be dispatched to the scene of the crime? A criminal court convened in orbit? Will criminals be extradited back to the surface, or will private prison companies expand their reach into the greater galaxy? Stephen Hawking, for one, continues to insist that humanity’s survival will depend on our abandoning Earth. I’m not sold, but if he’s right, no matter how tempting it might be to leave them behind, we’ll have to take at least a few of the lawyers with us. n Send questions to Cecil via StraightDope.com or write him c/o Chicago Reader, 350 N. Orleans, Chicago 60654.

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ACTIVISM

A Place of Prayer and Action

A Thanksgiving visit to Standing Rock reveals multigenerational resiliency.

BY LORI A. WAGNER comments@cityweekly.net

B

efore the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers rejected an easement that would allow the proposed Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) to cross under Lake Oahe, I was at Standing Rock alongside the water protectors.

Standing Rock defies classification.

There were, as far as I can estimate, 10,000 people from 70 tribal nations in the largest native gathering in history, all with a common goal of peacefully, soberly and prayerfully, protecting the Earth and, especially, the first medicine—water.

At sunrise on Thanksgiving Day, I woke in a freezing tent to a message over bullhorn in the Lakota language, urging people to get up and greet the day in the east with song and prayer.

I am camped on the reservation side of the river, in a smaller camp called Rosebud. Across the Cannonball River is the large Oceti Sakowin camp on the so-called Army Corps of Engineers land, which I learn was land the United States refused to cede to the Sioux nation after the Treaty of Fort Laramie.

On the hills across the Cannonball is a Sioux burial ground, with warning signs urging newcomers not to tread on precious ground. Just to the north of the cemetery is a heavy militarized police presence. The skyline of the hill prickles with cops or “mercenaries,” as water protectors call those who are suspected to be employed by Dakota Access—the company aiming to pipe crude oil under the Missouri River to refineries in the Midwest.

I visit the port-a-potty line, then make hot tea and oatmeal, not waiting for the camp breakfast that can feed the mass. I join the pre-breakfast prayer circle and announcements, and spend most of the first day unloading donations collected from friends in Salt Lake City. The camp seems to be overloaded with coat donations, although food and firewood, I hear, are greatly appreciated. Women ask for skirts, as some elders have asked women to wear them as a gesture of respect. I have a

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12 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

NEWS

A group of women align to do a traditional dance the day after authorities cleared the front line camp. few to donate. Many of the non-native women look like a cross between frontier women and hippies from the Rainbow Gathering, while fur hats and wood chopping are in style for the rugged men. Natives ride bareback on beautiful spotted or brown horses with feathers in their headdresses and adorning their steeds as well. I watch one man set off at a gallop, towing his laughing kids behind the steed in a plastic sled over the dirt road. Others stick to fourwheelers and pickup trucks. At 8 a.m., a group of people wanting to do “direct action”—meaning confronting the barricade and the police—line up to attend meetings where they’ll get assignments from leadership. The role of the visitors is to support the natives, not to take over with their own agenda.

I’m amazed at the number of cozy wood-heated white teepees dotting the vast camp, thin curls of smoke coming from their roofs. A friend, however, tells me that tarpees are much cheaper and easier to build. They’re made out of long two-by-fours and tarps instead of skinned logs like teepees. They aren’t as beautiful, but require much less work and money. In contrast, the yurts are even more expensive to build. Many people stay in cars, campers and tents.

I meet a couple of Sicangu brothers from Rapid City. They are in their 60s, and one uses a wheelchair when his leg seizes up from an old injury. They are camped in a small tent by the river and mix Lakota and English freely. They tell me they have quit alcohol to come protect the water. Later, I find out that huge

numbers of people have been able to quit alcohol and methamphetamine— which is rampant in North Dakota—as they unite for prayer and water protection. The elderly brothers—even the one in the wheelchair—have engaged in direct action against the police, but haven’t been tear-gassed yet. They feel their mother’s spirit wanted them to do this. I say my mother’s spirit talks to me often, too. They explain that Sicangu means Burnt Thigh People. They point to the DAPL plane circling constantly overhead. It always goes in the same direction, they say—counterclockwise. Everything is backward for those DAPL people, like the heyoka, a sort of mythical clown figure in Lakota culture that acts in contrary behavior to those around it. Why does the plane always fly counterclockwise? To the Sioux, the sacred way to approach the fire is clockwise. They laugh a lot about this.

I ask if they plan on staying all winter.

“Why not?” one replies. “Our ancestors did, with less than we have.” They think this is funny. One brother mentions he still needs to pay rent in Rapid City to help his sister out. The brothers tell me to go see Sacred Stone camp, a sustainable encampment—“white hippie village” as they call it—where a private landowner has allowed people to camp.

They laugh about this, too.

At Sacred Stone, chickens peck outside the yurts, a strawbale house is almost done and the building of a school is underway. One woman stops to explain what a women’s circle is, and says it happens every day, give or take.

I return to try and find some friends and eat Thanksgiving dinner. I help a young activist friend from Salt Lake City open a lot of cans and take them to A recycling bin. She has quit her job to come to support the cause. She says she has found a man and a puppy at the camp and doesn’t need anything else. We form a circle and a Salish man from Washington delivers a poignant prayer in the Salish language—perhaps the most beautiful language I’ve ever heard, or maybe it’s the calm presence of the man speaking it. It reminds me of Irish, my ancestor’s language. “Thanks to the Great Spirit,” he says repeatedly.

He explains to us in English that everything is people—the rocks are people, the trees are people, the vegetables we eat are people, animals are people and the water is a person, too. Everything is sacred, he says. Every day should be greeted with a prayer. After the prayer, we shake hands with everyone in the circle and thank them for being there.

Then we eat.

After nearly freezing Thanksgiving night, I am thankful that Friday is relatively sunny and warmer. I head across the bridge to Oceti Sakowin camp—the big camp—to check it out. I pass by some old-fashioned monkey bars made of bent saplings, with kids of all colors playing on them, and there’s not a video game in sight. Media hill swarms with reporters requesting press badges.

Phones are being charged by an exercise bike powered by volunteers. I charge mine up to take photos, which I later find out is not allowed. They are

all people are one. We love each other. We must pray and be peaceful. Tears are running down the face of many, even mine; not just this time but many times around the fire as message after message of love and support are delivered. Further down the road, people ask me to sign a banner to present to Sophia Wilansky, the woman who nearly lost an arm after being hit by a police concussion grenade.

Friday night is a different scene. I have met up with my friends Keith McHenry, founder of Food Not Bombs based in Santa Cruz, Calif., and his partner, Abbi Samuels.

We go down to Red Warrior Camp where the native youth hang out. Aided by battery power, a full-blown hip-hop concert is in progress. L.A.’s Aztlan Underground is rapping, and shouts of “Black Snake Killaz” ring out over and over again. Fists are raised. “We didn’t cross the borders,” lead singer Rene Orozco, who changed his name to Yaotl Mazahua in recognition of his mestizo heritage, shouts. And the crowd roars back, “The borders crossed us!” I’m blown away by the next political rap artist, Che Christ. No Kanye West resemblance here. The young man seamlessly talks about the oppression of native and brown people, and the problems with the “pipeline pigs.” Next, a singer from the Shiprock Reservation in New Mexico talks about the high suicide rate his people are experiencing. A Mowhawk female poet who spits that you “don’t need a cock to be a warrior” follows. At the end of the concert, Aztlan

Underground’s Mazahua says they have 27 nations from eight countries in the Red Warrior camp, and that they don’t agree with the elders and their sacred fire and ceremonies. He then adds, “but we still respect them,” and “we will end this concert in prayer.” This is the first time I’ve seen a hip-hop concert end with a native prayer song. All heads are bowed; all hats are off.

I walk back toward camp, stopping to hear a talk at the White Dome by environmental whistleblower John Bolenbaugh, who was a former oil spill clean-up worker.

He said 70 percent of oil pipeline leaks are reported as maintenance. Then he showed a video of the direct action that took place the previous Sunday, where the protestors were relentlessly sprayed with fire hoses, rubber bullets and maced by police. Tonight, I sleep warm with a second sleeping bag, provided by the donation tent.

The following morning is sunny, but news of a Dec. 5 eviction by the Army Corps of Engineers looms and helicopters circle, unrelenting overhead. My friend and I talk seriously about clean energy and native spirituality the whole long drive home. The situation at Standing Rock is not just about a pipeline; it’s about regaining our lost connections with community and nature, and forging an honest, modern society. CW

Lori A. Wagner is a former biology professor from the University of Utah who has moved on to a life of traveling and activism.

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worried about people being identified by authorities from social media posts. Also, pictures of sacred fire and sacred items or ceremonies are definitely not allowed. A big Sioux guy offers me some venison jerky that he made himself.

I go to the main road, which is lined with flags from all native nations. The Iroquois Wampum is there. The U.S. flag is upside down with a native in the middle, meaning distress. A group of colorfully dressed Mexicans carrying fruit baskets head toward the sacred fire. I learn that these people are Michoacanos, a native group that is marginalized, often violently, in their homeland. They do a beautiful dance around the flames and present gifts to elders and onlookers. I get a banana. The Sioux hostess eloquently acknowledges their struggles.

I get the impression that this moment is the first time these Michoacán people have had a person who truly understands their oppression acknowledge it, in the formal, honoring way that these Sioux people have.

Further down the road, the Salish have brought salmon and boughs of cedar to gift to the Sioux. The Salish present me with a cedar bough and a sachet of ceremonial tobacco. The Sioux are so honored that the other tribes have come to support them, and the other tribes are honored as well.

I stay around the main sacred fire for a long time. One elder says he had a vision that the Black Snake from Sioux prophecy, which is believed to be the pipeline, can only be defeated by prayer. He states that

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DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 13

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14 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

THE

OCHO

THE LIST OF EIGHT

BY BILL FROST

@Bill _ Frost

CITIZEN REVOLT In a week, you can

CHANGE THE WORLD

CHRISTMAS TREAT BOUTIQUE

Last-minute holiday shoppers are welcome at the sugar-filled Christmas Treat Boutique. I mean, who doesn’t need more sugar in their life? Expect sugar cookie kits, dessert cheese-balls, mini gingerbread cookie kits, chocolatecovered cherries and more from the cottage food establishment With Sugar on Top. There’s always time to diet in the new year, so satisfy your sweet tooth now. 5258 Brundisi Way, Herriman, Thursday-Friday, Dec. 22-23, 5-9 p.m.; Saturday, Dec. 24, 10 a.m.3 p.m., Bit.ly/2hsFAjA

BLOOD DRIVE

Eight last-minute stocking-stuffers for the distraught Democrat in your life:

8. The West Wing Virtual

Reality Experience, with VR glasses and President Jed Bartlet body pillow (Best Buy, $299).

7. Skip-Ahead-to-2021 “Kittens & Komrades” desk/bunker calendar (Target, $13.99).

6.

Pumpkin Spice ‘n’ St. John’s Wort Blend coffee K-Cup 24-pack (Starbucks, $18.99).

5. “Paul Krugman Comfort

Beard” tear-absorbent fuzzy yoga mat (Lululemon, $59.99).

4. Revolting: A Compendium of

Katy Perry’s Election Night Tweets coffee-table book (Barnes & Noble, $79.99).

3. Guest certificate for Canadian timeshare with Lena Dunham, Raven Symone and Ne-Yo (TripAdvisor.com, $9,999.99).

2.

Autographed photo from the President-elect of Utah, Evan McMullin (EvanMcMullin.com, $9.99).

1. Bernie Sanders-shaped Gummy Xanax 400-count pill bottle (Whole Foods, $49.99).

Join Amanda Dickson and donate blood at a time of year when it is sadly needed.

Dickson is a radio announcer at KSL Newsradio, author of three books, professor at the University of Utah and a public speaker. ARUP is seeking A+, A-, O+ and O- blood types, which are much-needed at hospitals. There is also a need for platelets.

If you have given whole blood before, you might want to consider becoming a platelet donor, too, at this Blood Drive. ARUP Blood Services, 9786 S. 500 West, Sandy, 801-584-5272, Friday, Dec. 23, noon-3 p.m., free, UtahBlood.org

BOOK LAUNCH

Young adults are waiting for Ever the Hunted, Erin Summerill’s first young adult fantasy novel, which she releases just after Christmas. Summerill transitioned from professional wedding photographer to a Houghton Mifflin Harcourt author after what she calls a life-altering kidney donation experience. This Book Launch Party also celebrates her birthday. You can expect books for sale, prizes and fun. Provo Library, 550 N. University Ave., Provo, 801-852-6650, Thursday, Dec. 29, 7-10 p.m., free, ErinSummerill.com

UFC FEMALE FIGHT

You probably know how mad some women have been since Nov. 8. Or maybe you don’t care, but just want to see them go at it tooth-and-nail. Here’s your chance, as Rhonda “Rowdy” Rousey comes to show her stuff at UFC 207. Rousey is now the No. 2 Women Bantamweight fighter in the world, and won an Olympic gold medal in judo at 17. Since 2010, she has had a successful mixed martial arts career and in 2012 became the first female fighter to join the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Rousey is also an actress who has appeared in titles like Entourage and The Expendables 3. Sandy Station, 8925 Harrison St., Sandy, 801-255-2078, Friday, Dec. 30, 6 p.m.-1 a.m., $5 in advance, SandyStation.Yapsody.com

—KATHARINE BIELE Send tips to revolt@cityweekly.net

S NEofW the

Fellatio Modification Radical dentistry was on display in November at London’s Science Gallery, where installations offered “art-science collaborations”— including Taiwan artist Kuang-Yi Ku’s “Fellatio Modification Project.” Complaining that textbooks on mouths tragically under-regard their value in sex, former dentist Ku created (the ordinary way) a custom retainer for the client’s mouth, but then added rubber “bumps” and “cones” and “ribs” and “ripples” that might be pleasing to a partner.

WEIRD

Suspicions Confirmed Evolution, according to scientists, likely explains why some “prey” develop defense mechanisms to avoid “predators,” i.e., the prey who fail to develop them are unable to procreate (because they’re dead), but a team of scientists from Sweden and Australia recently concluded that something similar happens in a species of fish in which males mate basically by huge-appendaged rape. Growing nine generations of the species in the lab, the researchers concluded that the females who can avoid the “rapist” evolve larger brains than those who fall victim. Researchers, loosely speaking, thus concluded that as males grow bigger penises, females grow bigger brains to outsmart them.

Pervert—or Not When police in Port Orange, Fla., arrested Anthony Coiro, 76, in November, he admitted that he had a stash of “crazy” pornography, some featuring children. However, he adamantly insisted, “I’m not a pedophile. I’m just a pervert,” adding, “a law-abiding pervert.” He faces 52 counts.

n A 38-year-old woman was arrested in Springwood, Australia, in November when police stopped her car at 3 a.m. at an intersection—with a children’s swing set wedged onto the roof of her SUV. She had shortly before mistakenly driven through someone’s back yard and through the swing set. (BAC: .188.)

Perspective “Sexually based offenses,” a TV show intones, “are considered especially heinous.” But to the small Delaware liberal arts Wesley College (according to the U.S. Department of Education), even an accusation of sexual misconduct is so heinous that there was no need even to interview the alleged wrongdoer before expelling him. An informal meeting did occur, but only after the investigation was completed. The expulsion occurred even though the victim herself had not originally accused that particular student.

The expelled student’s offense was to have helped set up video for a consensual sex encounter that was (without consent) livestreamed. The Department of Education accepted a settlement in which Wesley agreed to revamp its code of student rights.

Recent Alarming Headlines 1. “Man Mixing LSD and Cough Syrup Saves Dog From Imaginary Fire” (WNYT-TV, Albany, N.Y., Oct. 15, 2016). (Panicked, he had first sought help from neighbors—who were unpersuaded by the sight of a fireless fire.) 2. “Santa Claus Speaks Out Against North Pole Ban of Marijuana Sales” (KTUU-TV, Anchorage). (Cannabis is legal in Alaska unless towns ban it, and the legally named Mr. Claus needs it for cancer pain.) 3. “Dog On Loose Causes Sheep To Have Sex With Their Sisters in Walton On The Hill” (Surrey Mirror, Redhill, England, Sept. 22, 2016).

(The wild dog has wrecked a planned mating program, leaving female sheep to canoodle with each other).

Least Competent Artists Apparently the plan by a 33-year-old unlicensed, unregistered driver in Perth, Australia, in November to keep from being stopped by police was to print “POLICE” in large, “official”looking letters on the sides of her white Hyundai, using a blue dry-erase board marker. She was, of course, quickly stopped by police. n A woman in a quiet north Minneapolis neighborhood told reporters she became fearful after seeing a large swastika spraypainted on a garage door down a nearby alley (just after Election Day!). Problem: The base “X” of the correct design has “hooks” that should always extend to the right, clockwise; three of the Minneapolis “artist’s” awkwardly hook left.

The Passing Parade In November, a court in Christchurch, New Zealand, ordered the local police to “undo” the 493 bottles’ worth of liquor they had recently poured down the city’s drain after raiding an unlicensed bar. The court said the police must pay a pumping company to recall the hooch because of environmental regulations.

Thanks this week to Seth Franklin and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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n In November, the Littleton, Colo., city government, faced with the need to “blot” sticky tar on 120 streets whose potholes it was filling, bypassed expensive “detackifiers” in favor of stuffing toilet paper over the tar, causing the streets to have a trick-ortreat look.

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Weird Quantities Recently in the News 1. Price tag for one round of a 155-mm projectile shot from the Navy’s USS Zumwalt: $800,000. 2. Trees killed in California by the now-5-year-old drought: 102,000,000.

3. Recent finding of “water” farthest from Earth’s surface: 621 miles down (one-third of the way to Earth’s “core”).

4. Odds that Statistics Lecturer Nicholas Kapoor (Fairfield University, Fairfield, Conn.) said he played against in buying a $15 Powerball ticket: 1 in 913,129 (but he won $100,000!).

5. Speed police calculated Hector Faire, 19, reaching in an Oklahoma police chase: 208 mph (but they got him anyway).

Hardly Need a Breathalyzer Michelle Keys, 35—among those joyously caught up in Iowa’s upset win over highly ranked Michigan in football in November and celebrating that night in Iowa City—was slurring and incoherent, and told police she was certain she was standing in Ames, Iowa (120 miles away), and had just watched the “Iowa State-Arizona” game—a matchup not played since 1968. (She registered .225 BAC).

n In November in Osaka, Japan, an unnamed arrestee apparently had his sexual molestation charge (against a woman on a crowded train) dramatically downgraded. “Actually,” the man indignantly told the judge, he is not a pervert—but just a pickpocket (a lesser crime). The victim had testified that the man had brushed against her for “3 seconds” and not the “30” she originally told police.

• BEADS • BEADS S D A E B

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Compelling Explanations Texas is among the most enthusiastic states for jailing lowincome arrestees who cannot pay a money bail, especially during devastating family hardships, and the four Houston bail magistrates are particularly harsh, according to a recent report of the Texas Organizing Project. After hearing one financially overwhelmed woman beg sarcastically that $1,000 bail is “nothing” next to her other bills, unsympathetic magistrate Joe Licata shrugged and said, “It’s nothing to me, either. It’s job security.”

6. Different languages spoken by children in Buffalo, N.Y., public classrooms: 85.

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

Recurring Themes Whistleblower goes to jail; responsible industry executives make millions: Longtime Mississippi environmental activist Tennie White is 27 months into a 40-month sentence (for “falsifying” three $150 tests in her laboratory), but high-ranking executives at the Kerr-McGee chemical conglomerate made millions on the case White helped expose: leakage of cancer-causing creosote into communities, including White’s Columbus, Miss., neighborhood. A detailed investigation by TheIntercept.com in November noted the executives’ brilliant response to the 25,000 creosote lawsuits nationwide: put all the liability into one outlying company (eventually going bankrupt) but selling off, highly profitably, the rest of the firm.

BY CHUCK SHEPHERD

BYU sweatshirt yoga pass

Parental safe-mode for ALL

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contributions

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16 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

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By City Weekly staff Illustrated by John Kilbourn

We get into the holiday heads of some of the most notable people of the year so you don’t have to.

Mr. Claus, I know how disappointed you feel, Santa, how discouraged you are this Christmas season because I feel that way, too. We must not let this erase all the great work we’ve done on our Christmas wish lists. A majority of kids—tens of millions of them—want LEGO Star Wars, but instead they’ll be getting Darth Vader action figures. I say to those kids and to you, that loss hurts, but please don’t despair. There will be another Christmas—a better, stronger, fairer Christmas. What I’m asking of you, Santa, is not a gift of material goods, but instead goodwill for everyone … as well as those “special” items I requested in a separate email sent from my secure account.

—Hillary R . Clinton

.@realSantaClaus is a total loser. Last year I asked for 100% approval rating and a baby reindeer pelt for a more natural-looking hairline. Did he deliver? NO! 8,641

4,008

8:45 PM - 10 DEC 2016

Dear Santa, OK, see, here’s my list: More trade missions. Love those guys. I’ve already done China, Brazil, England (any chance you could get me knighted? Sir Gary has a certain ring to it). You name it. I just love to get out there and see the dang world.

Next, get me a PR consultant who can catch me before I do another foot-in-mouth moment. Jeez, I would have thought that Doobie Brothers going “¿Qué pasa?” and “here’s a joint” would have gone down perfectly. And what about “Available Jones”? Everybody loves that Li’l Abner comic strip. Where could you go wrong with saying that?

And finally, put something in the water during the legislative session. Some of those guys ‘n’ gals up on the hill need a little sedation now and then, don’t ya think?

Christmas is huge, big time. Candy, toys. The best toys, Christmas toys made in America. No Hamilton tickets.

Won’t go. #Overrated 10,500

5,026

9:50 PM - 10 DEC 2016

Dear Santa, As you know, a 2009 Harvard University study awarded Utah the distinction of being the top consumers of online pornography. We at the Online Nation for Adult Entertainment in Utah Society (ONANUS) feel this achievement is as prestigious as when Kraft named Utah the Jell-O capital of the world.

(Have you seen Watch, It Wiggles? It’s the first adult film to feature gelatinenhanced goodies. I’ll leave a Blu-ray copy with the milk and nookies.) But now our legislators have declared pornography a public health crisis.

I don’t need to tell you how adult entertainment enriches one’s life. My brother is your IT guy. He sees you when you’re surfing. He’s screen-grabbed your o-face. He knows that you say ho-ho-ho when you’re about to skeetskeet-skeet. Soooo! You’d better watch out …

We believe that these lawmakers fear that the public will discover their own affinity for these art films, and that their favorite flavors are … exotic.

This desperate distraction affects billions of lonely people who masturbate for stress release. Generating one’s own fantasies—you know, keepin’ things fresh—can be exhausting. Porn is an invaluable aid.

Here’s where you cum in: We want you to dox the Utah State Legislature, the Eagle Forum and LDS Church leadership. Yes, it’s ethically dodgy, but privacy is already in the shitter. If nobody has dirty secrets, we can all lead rich, fulfilling lives—every Shirley Temple can find her own Hot Karl.

I’m getting Heat-Miser-hot just thinking about it.

Fappy Holidays!

John “Jack” Offenterle t Director, ONANUS

The final North Pole vote is in and guess what - we just picked up additional votes. The Dems and @realSantaClaus can now rest. Scam!

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3:31 AM - 11 DEC 2016

—Gary “The Guv” Herbert

Dear Santa, Please have Rudolph submit a resignation letter to me, ASAP. I’ll decide whether I accept that resignation at a later date. However, I am leaning toward retaining him on your staff, for when you fly over Salt Lake City, Santa. His brilliance will be vital as you penetrate that thick, toxic ashen muck we call air. Follow the lights lining Harvey Milk Boulevard (as it is always referred) for additional guidance on Christmas Eve. As you know, Santa Claus, your nice list will include many from Salt Lake City—home to bright minds, creative artists, altruistic philanthropists and the sanest drivers this side of the Wasatch Front.

Best, Jackie Biskupski Salt Lake City Mayor

I’ll now be including the North Pole on my #ThankYouTour2016. They tell me it’s balmy there.

TAKE THAT GLOBAL WARMING HOAXTERS! 11,072

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6:03 AM - 11 DEC 2016

Dear Santa Claus, I’ve found you to be deeply committed to Christmas: You’re wise and honest and courageous and compassionate. You’re exactly the type of person we need delivering gifts.

But there is a new path your sleigh could travel—a better path, a path for a new Christmas movement. It’s not an easy sleigh path, but it’s the path we have to work with. This new Christmas movement will bridge the divide between those who prefer Xbox over PlayStation. This movement will embrace all Christmas-loving Americans. Most important of all, Santa, ikdkdkdkd kdkdkdkdkd dkdkdk dkdkdkdk dkdkdk, Trump is a loser d.

Sincerely, Evan McMullin Former presidential candidate/former CIA spy/current eligible bachelor

Terrible working conditions the elves tell me. I know these elves, they’re tremendous elves. Each gets a Trump Steak. Believe me.

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8:04 AM - 12 DEC 2016

Yours, Melania Trump

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1:41 PM - 13 DEC 2016

Happy now @DrJillStein? I finally went green.

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Mr. Claus, Thank you for your service. You are a credit to America. I would award you the Disgraced Former Utah State Attorney General’s Award for Greed as Economic Stimulus, but that’s not a thing—similar to the case against me, which was dismissed, but still haunts my dreams.

So what do I want for Christmas? Well, I had it all. I was the most powerful attorney in Utah. I had my own bobble head, a crusade against alcopops, a porn czar and the chance to someday be God of my own world. I tried to continue practicing law, but nobody wants to work with me now. So, I’m schlepping nicotine mist. (It’s OK, I’m not a hypocrite—I’m only marketing to current smokers and vapers or adults interested in addictive substances. No kids; that’s the Alcopop Mafia’s turf.) I tried getting into medicinal marijuana, but my brother-partner wussed out.

So how about a do-over? Can you muster this Christmas miracle? You know, where I wake up on Christmas and discover it’s not too late to make things right? I don’t know what I could do differently, but definitely something.

Failing that, could you talk my brother into reconsidering the medi-pot thing? I really think he’d listen to you. He’s a scientist, but he still believes in miracles.

Or maybe you could just help me squash alcopops. Do you know they have alcoholic root beer now? And cherry cola?! The End Times are nigh.

Sincerely, Mark Shurtleff Entrepreneur, Self-Styled Kafka-esque Figure

Seriously, this guy is terrific. People tell me he’s as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel.

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7:03 AM - 14 DEC 2016

Yo, Nick!

Hey little bud. How’re those red cheeks doing? Come over here and give me a big ol’ brother hug. There you go. Now you know what’s on the top of my wish list—a U.S. Senate seat. Aren’t I just made for it? Man, I can rap like nobody’s business, I go after all those big bad white collar crime guys.

Did I mention the rapping? I’ve been enjoying hanging out with my crime-busting guys in my office, running round town doing our best Dick Tracy, kicking ass and taking names. But you know, I need to show my serious side, too. It isn’t all about being Utah’s top cop, I tell you. I feel another rap coming on. Get down with me, bro.

Utah At torney General Sean Reyes

The thing I like best about @TheGrinch_007 is that he has vast experience at dealing successfully with all types of foreign holidays.

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5:01 PM - 15 DEC 2016

Santa!

I’m over here! Helloooooo! Santa! Can’tcha see me?! Santa! Santa! Yep. Right here, in Congress, where I’ve been for four goll-darn years! This Christmas, I’d like for people to know that I exist. Give me a placard, a neon sign or Jason Chaffetz’ gift for sniffing out Benghazi scandals, or how about Rob Bishop’s unending obsession with federal land management? Maybe you could give me a new name. Is it my benign name? Chris Stewart … Imagine having a name like Mia Love. People in my district focus more on Utah’s other members of Congress. I’m starting to believe voters only picked me because of my party affiliation …

Rep. Chris Stewart An actual congressman from Utah, representing many areas of Salt Lake City

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 17

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5:14 PM - 13 DEC 2016

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5:15 PM - 13 DEC 2016

R ight fully and lawfully elected President of the R ussian Federation, Vladimir Putin

I have chosen one of the truly great holiday leaders of the world, @TheGrinch_007, to lead Christmas from now on.

.@TheGrinch_007 says he’s a big fan of my work.

I have to say the feeling is bigly and mutual. #MakeChristmasGreatAgain™

Comrade Claus, Привет. I, how you say, exude winter holiday joy; I feel like bear. For winter holiday, I ask, Comrade, for more of power.

Like power of 10 virile bears. To start, Comrade Trump is excellent early winter holiday gift. I like. He is, how he say?

Tremendous. For next present, Comrade, I would like marionette string that will fit on tiny hands. I also ask for new slippers, vodka, jigsaw puzzle and Ukraine. Прощай

Thanks, big guy.

John Swallow

—Jason Chaffe tz

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

My wife is a true class act, let me tell you. When others go low, she goes copy+paste.

Dear Santa, My lawyer says I shouldn’t write to you, but what the heck. I can’t get seem to get a fair trial in this town, so maybe you’ll listen to me. I always believed in you as a kid, but once you start getting out in that dark old world, you know how it is—temptation wherever you turn. But anyway, since the state seems determined to put me away while not giving me the evidence I need to defend myself, I guess you should get me some nice stocking stuffers, like a crowbar, a file or two and cake mix to bake it into, and any other get-out-of-jail-quick cards that come to mind.

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

My fellow American, First off, I apologize for my unappropriate letter I wrote to The Slovenian Sun at age 8 asking if you’re real. The editor’s response, titled “Yes Melania, There is a Santa Claus” set me straight up, now tell me. My husband is very pleased with the people of Utah. When he told me he was stopping there, I looked at him in eye and said, That is the place! “Go,” I told him, pa rum pum pum pum.

Thank you, Utahslovakians. It might have been a blue Christmas without you, so mele kalikimaka, like we say in the homeland. Recently we met your version of billionaire, Mitt Romney. “Would you share with me Christmas dinner?” he asked, and gently Donald said, “Come inside.” Mitty the statesman is a jolly happy soul, with a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of domestic coal. Now, there must have been some magic in that silky Donald J. Trump Collection™ hat my husband found, because once he put it on him, he began to dance around. Said the little lamb to my son Barron, Do you hear what I hear? And we all laughed when we saw it in spite of ourselves. Good times, these are the good times … le freak, c’est chic. I must go now. I just heard grandma got run over by a reindeer (that is no joke; reindeer trampling is second leading cause of death back in my country.)

In closing, all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Dear Santa, Is it so much to ask for Hillary’s head on a platter? I asked for it last Christmas and what did I get? Lots of eye-rolling and defiance in committee, that’s what. What’s the good in being chairman of a committee if you can’t break people down to size? You know, they want me to go after the Trumpster, but where’s the upside in that? I didn’t make all the brimstone-spiked deals I did to just give up now. So I’m going to throw it open to you, Santa. This Christmas, just ask yourself one question: What can I do to make the big J happy? I’ll bet you’ll find the answer right away.

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

| NEWS | A&E | DINING | CINEMA | MUSIC |

| CITY WEEKLY |

18 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

News outlets are trying to discredit my new appointee saying he has termites in his smile and possesses all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile…

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Granted, he can’t ride a horse like @PutinRF_Eng, but who can? You have to hand it to the man - he looks GREAT on a horse.

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6:57 AM - 17 DEC 2016

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7:01 AM - 17 DEC 2016

Dear Infidel, Merry Christmas. Or as you atheist perverts like to say, “Merry Xmas,” because you have ripped the “Christ” right out of “Christmas.” Why do you mock the 99.9 percent of Americans who believe that Jesus was a friendly spaceman sent to Earth to protect the Constitution and bury all the dinosaur bones in the ground? His green spaceblood is on your hands, “Saint” Nick. Funny how “saint” is just another word for “Satan” and “Nick” is the sound an angel makes when it dies. What’s not funny is how Common Core forces innocent children to gay-marry each other in your honor, thus forever barring them from any chance at eternal salvation unless they can climb to the top of Mount Doom and score an NFL touchdown. We should be teaching our children the sacred principles of the Constitution, such as, “Thou shalt not menstruate,” and, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Instead we poison their souls with your promises of “holiday” cheer aka welfare. Eight hundred million Americans every year are killed every day before they are even born, and you do nothing to stop it. If I were you, I would feel nothing but crushing humiliation, but I am SUPERDELL and I feel totally awesome because I know your day of reckoning will be painful and permanent. I would like a dune buggy for Christmas.

Dear Santa, First of all, let me just clear the air— I’m no longer upset about the fact that you didn’t get me the White House like I asked for back in December 2011. I know that, after I lost, I called you a con artist, a fraud, and said something about how your promises were as worthless as a degree from Claus University.

I was just angry, alright? I mean, we had such a good track record right up until then. I thought you’d come through for me like you did with chairing the Olympic Committee, getting elected governor of Massachusetts, and who could forget the Christmas when you brought us Seamus, our beloved Irish setter?

I would have asked you for the secretary of state gig, but to be quite honest with you, I was banking on the fact that our president would be another Democrat, and I know there are some things even you can’t pull off. Incidentally, it didn’t go very well when I tried to get that present for myself.

So, now that it’s that time of year, I thought I’d ask for something that I think I’ll really need going into 2017. I’m not sure how many of these you have just lying around your workshop, but Santa, this year could you bring me a new set of balls? I promise that I won’t lose them again.

Yours in CHR IST, SUPER DELL Schanze

Mit t R omney

CONT. They are saying that he’s nauseating with a super nos and drives a crooked horse. Typical media elite behavior. FAKE NEWS! 18,000

Yours,

Just read @CityWeekly - so biased, inaccurate and bad, page after page. Just can’t get much worse, although @VanityFair is right up there!

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3:33 PM - 21 DEC 2016

6:58 AM - 17 DEC 2016

Kind regards, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

Hi, Santa.

Subway Kid here. I’m betting you’ve already updated your records to show that as my real name. It’s OK. I’ve made peace with it. My missionary name tags even say, “Elder Subway Kid.” That’s where I’m writing you from: My room at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. As I prepare to commence two years in service of my church, I’m reminded that police officers are sworn to protect and serve. Instead, although they’ve dropped the charges after security footage and forensic testing revealed no wrongdoing on my part, the Layton Police Department couldn’t even apologize. And they continue to conceal the identity of the officer who complained that I dosed his drink with methamphetamine and THC. Why do they protect him? I’m the one who received death threats.

It only seems fair that they apologize and disclose the officer’s identity to the public, so we both have this hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. I know as a servant of Christ that I should forgive, and I am trying. But doesn’t the Bible say an eye for an eye?

Please, Santa. Use your powers to compel the Layton PD to do the right thing. I’ll make sure that my coworkers leave you the really good white chocolate raspberry cookies—the ones that we didn’t yank from the oven prematurely.

P.S. If you skunk me on Christmas, I’ll sue your old, fat ass because such an action would be anti-woman and anti-Semitic.

P.P.S. Bath & Body Works. Love it.

Very truly yours, The Elder Formerly Known as Tanis Lloyd Ukena

As a politician, I don’t quite understand this whole “naughty or nice” thing. I’m more of an “ends justify the means” gal. Which is why, despite being Jewish, I’m writing to you today.

This year I was forced to resign as chair of the Democratic National Committee because I worked to undermine Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. I’m supposed to be neutral, they said.

Whatever. This is politics; we make and break rules. So shouldn’t “naughty or nice” be subjective?

You’re a smart, if corpulent and hoary, man. You see where I’m going with this. I want back in. I believe I have more to offer my friends in this country.

You and I could be friends.

My sources tell me you’re about to face a tough challenge from Krampus. Are you prepared to give up being Lootsmith of the Universe? I happen to know you’ve been outsourcing toy making to China. And do I even have to bring up the Candy Cane Pipeline? It’s a new world, Santa. People are more than willing to let a brazenly evil entity run the show. And the latest polls out of the North Pole show that your approval rating is headed south.

I can help you. Drop an offer down my chimney.

Hey Santa, I’m buying Chrimmus and taking your job.

It’s the only way I can improve my reputation. As a narcissist, I can’t abide anyone hating me. As a probable sociopath, I do what I do. Of course, what I do, and who I do it to, is why people hate me …

Thinkin’ about that hurts my head.

You don’t own Chrimmus. The Christians stole it from the Pagans and neither has provenance. I have money coming out of my greasy butthole and everything has a price.

Anyway, I’m gonna board my jet and crank up the rest of the Wu-Tang tracks I was supposed to release when Russia helped The Donald do the “impossible.” I’ll bass so hard that your workshop will crumble when I’m 10 miles out. Upon landing, I will select at random one elf to kill and eat while the others watch. I will then rename your reindeer for different members of Wu-Tang Clan. (The elf carcass can be ODB.) After that, it’ll be Chrimmus as usual. I’ll get the children of the world to revere me, then teach their children to do the same.

Depending on the length of my trial, you probably have two or three Chrimmusses left.

Make ’em count. That’s what I tell patients who can’t afford my meds. HAWHAW-HAW! I mean, HOHO-HO! Sue me. Martin Shkreli ain’t nuttin’ ta mess wit.

Best re tards, Martin “Pharma Bro” Shkreli Mr. Claus: How’s it hanging? Wilford Brimley’s the name. Acting’s the game. You might have heard of me. I was in Cocoon.

That was a movie. But I sure heard of you. You give all the presents to all the good chillun. That takes a big, healthy heart, and healthy hearts needs proper nutrition. That’s why I’m taking a moment today to talk to you about diabetes.

You might not know this, but I have diabetes. When I found out I had diabetes, it scared the living bejeebus out of me.

Now I ain’t afraid of dying. Dying is what comes to all of us.

I was afraid of the diabetes. Now as a concerned citizen, I am afraid that you might have diabetes. I notice you got a weight problem, and I know you been eating a whole mess of milk and cookies. Now milk ain’t bad. Milk is the nectar of the bosom. But those cookies, boy. Boy, those cookies will get you. One time, I ate a whole mess of cookies. Next thing I know, my wife finds me lying in the front yard with my pants off. My wife, she asks me, “Wilford, what are you doing?” And I don’t remember a darn thing. I guess sometimes all you can do is dust the crumbs off and put your pants back on. Anyways, Merry Christmas.

Regards, Wilford Brimley Dear Santa, You’ve been good to me over the years, giving me undefeated seasons at Utah and Ohio State and a couple of National Championships to boot. Things are going great for me right now—I’m making over $6 million a year and my team is in the College Football Playoffs. What would someone who has it all like me want for Christmas, you may ask?

When I wake up in my Columbus, Ohio mansion, I’d like to sign a dozen more four- and five-star recruits—none of that two- and three-star garbage like I got in Salt Lake City or Gainesville. I could also use some Tums and a stress ball to curb that stress-induced acid reflux. And if you could send that khaki-wearing douche bag Jim Harbaugh who coaches the team up North some coal, that would be great.

Cordially yours,

Urban Meyer

Santa, Off the top of my head: I need bandages, gauze, splints, vaccines, elixirs, protein shakes, Tylenol, acupuncture needles, Penicillin, arm casts, leg casts, toe casts, ointments, sutures, magic mojo, Pepto, a cool washcloth, a spell to reanimate Burks’ corpse, pumice stones, IV drips, AlkaSeltzer, chicken noodle soup, defibrillators, dental floss, medicinal cannabis, safety goggles, oxygen masks, steel-toed sneakers, gurneys, stethoscopes, ipecac, codeine, vitamin C, hypnotherapy and whatever other panacea you can drum up because enough is enough, man.

Xs and Os Quin Snyder, Utah Jazz coach Dearest Santa, It’s been a tough year, that’s for sure. For all the gymnastics I do and running round the stadium every game and working the crowd up into a frenzy, the drama on the field is … lacking. Not that the end of the season didn’t bring some fireworks. The fans have all been calling for the coach’s head and what does the front office do? Serve up Javi Morales and Jamison Olave instead.

I’m not saying that they weren’t long in the tooth and that we need fresh blood on the field, but come on guys, make a clean sweep why don’t you? So I guess that’s a long way of asking, isn’t it time we had something to sing about at the Riot? I want to watch some soccer that takes my breath away. That’s what I want from you, Santa—from one guy in a ridiculously hot costume to another.

Dear Santa, Hey, big guy! Do you have me up in the North Pole, yet?

You don’t? Well that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. See, I’m grateful for all of the fans that you’ve given me here in Utah. I mean, these people eat a lot of french fries, so I do pretty well. But it’s not enough, man—I have kids to feed. With that in mind, here’s what I need from you this year.

I’m tired of being stuck as a “fast food” condiment. You think Kanye West has ever been to an Arctic Circle? You think that J-Law has even considered putting me on her onion rings? Does she even eat onion rings? Look, the point is that I need some help stepping up my game. I need to be on tables at the French Laundry, Urasawa—I’m talking more Guy Savoy and less Guy Fieri.

I’m so close to being a thing in Europe, and everyone seems to be crapping themselves over serving fries with aioli—I don’t think it’s too much to ask from a man with your influence and culinary taste to just give me the push I need to make it to the big leagues. Right now, I’m lucky if that Dijon d-bag lets me party with him, but I could get used to rolling with truffle oil, saffron—you know, triple-A condiments. Think it over, OK? Best, Fry Sauce

Sedimentary yours, The $85 Nordstrom Medium Leather-Wrapped Stone Dear Santa, I’m a good boy such a good boy. I like to run and catch the ball in the park. Throw the ball, throw the ball! Why do I feel so tired more and more? Why do I nap more and more? I want to catch the ball, but I’m so so sleepy now. I want to sleep all day and all night. Dear Santa, I don’t want to sleep so much anymore.

I want to run and catch the ball and be fast, fast, fast! I want to run again! Please can I run again? Please? I promise I’ll be good!

Sincerely, Brody, the energetic border collie whose life-force is slowly being drained by a team of flagitious doctors in order to power Orrin Hatch’s soulless carcass.

9:50 PM - 22 DEC 2016

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 19

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My advisors tell me @CityWeekly has a Mexican editor. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. I’ll build a great beautiful editorial wall around him.

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

Santa: Thank you for renting our facility for your last office holiday party. We hope you, your employees and their families enjoyed the screenings of For Your Height Only and Silent Night, Deadly Night.

The reason I write is that twice now, undercover agents from the Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control (DABC), visited Brewvies, ordered beer and bought tickets to films that received R-ratings for nudity and/or onscreen simulated sex. In one of these films, Deadpool, there is some

See you at the movies!

Brewvies management

Dear Santa, I have a confession to make. I fear it might land me on your “naughty” list, but that’s a small price to pay for a clear conscience. Here it is: I’m a joke. I’m a big, fat, stupid joke, and I don’t deserve any of the attention or success I’ve garnered in recent weeks. At the beginning, before all this madness ever came to fruition, I was just this curious oddity. Like, “Who would be dumb enough to buy this junk?” But then, for some insane reason, people actually paid attention to me—either because they thought I was an amusing distraction in the news, or because people really are that dumb. Then they started throwing money at me as though I were a legitimate option. I mean, really, who would invest in something so coarse and thoughtless? And whose lives am I going to improve?

Who am I actually going to help? Then the unthinkable happened, though I guess we all should’ve seen it coming: I sold out. The American people decided they wanted me, and then I promptly sold out. Granted it wasn’t anywhere near a majority of Americans who asked for me, but it was enough of them. So now those poor schmucks are stuck with me for God knows how long. I feel extra remorse for the people who didn’t ask for me but got me anyway—it can be hard to get rid of something that someone else gave you, especially when they were so inexplicably excited about it. I feel bad for being such a fraud, but frankly these people have no one to blame but themselves.

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

Real Salt Lake’s Leo the Lion

hanging of brain and/or neck, plus simulated unicorn ejaculate. Apparently Utah Code states, and I paraphrase, that the simultaneous consumption of booze and sexy images is prohibited, lest it lead to roving gangs of foamy-mouthed rapists.

We’ve already paid a $1,627 fine for the first “violation.”

This second carries a fine of up to $25,000 and a 10-day suspension of our liquor license. Former Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson is already whooping ass on our behalf, so we wouldn’t dream of greedily requesting more.

Instead, we remember DABC agents Bradley Bullock and Sean Cannon. Since Christmas is a time for giving, please leave a six-pack and a Deadpool Blu-ray in their stockings.

According to court documents, they saw the movie thrice and twice, respectively. They must really like it. Please also give them a Ryan Reynolds blow-up doll and an inflatable unicorn with rainbow jizz refills. Doesn’t matter who gets what, so long as they both have something to suck on.

T

ake part in a mirror ball countdown. Instead of watching the New York ball drop through your television screen, visit the MirrorBall at the Salt Palace. Each piece of this ball was custom built by local artists and assembled by hand. In addition to seeing the nation’s largest mirror ball drop to a light show, visitors are entertained by local DJs, drum performances and fire dancers all night. (KE) Salt Palace, 100 S. West Temple, 801-333-1133, 7:30 p.m.-midnight, $20-$25. EveSLC.com

Party Like Old Blue Eyes. Ditch the loud, crowded streets and freezing cold to ring in the new year old-LasVegas-style. The Royal’s Rat Pack New Year’s Party has all the games, live music and great food and drinks to transport you to the Sin City of yesteryear. (KE) The Royal, 4760 S. 900 East, 801-590-9940, 5 p.m.-midnight, $20. TheRoyalSLC.com

DETOX Laugh your worries away. Dwayne Perkins is here to offer a final laugh in a year full of truly bizarre and often disheartening news. Fueled by his global travels and his experience as a black man, his comedy dissects America’s role in the world. He’s been featured on The Tonight Show and Letterman, and has a Netflix special called Take Note. (KE) Wiseguys, 194 S. 400 West, 801-532-5233, 9:30 p.m., $15. WiseGuysComedy.com

… or bike. What better way to say goodbye to 2016 than kick-starting your New Year’s resolution to get in shape? Each year, bicyclists brave the elements in a downhill event called Frosty’s Fat Bike Race. Participants hurtle down the mountainside on fat-tire bikes. Awards are given out to top finishers, but everyone’s a winner with the swag gifts, barbecue following the race and a cross-country course. (MS) Nordic Valley Ski Resort, 3567 Nordic Valley Way, Eden, 801-745-3511, 8 a.m.-1 p.m., $35-$75. FrostyTheFatBike.com Celebrate the other 12, noon. Hey, we get it. You want to be the responsible parent and get your kids to bed at a reasonable hour, but you also want the youngsters to get in on the New Year’s Eve fun, too. Live Daybreak Community Center covers the bases with their event, Noon Year’s Eve. For just $3, you and your kiddo are in store for a morning full of games, crafts, music, goodies and a balloon drop right at the stroke of noon. Best part? No one stays up past their bedtime. (MS) Live Daybreak Community Center, 4544 W. Harvest Moon Drive, South Jordan, 801-2536418, 10:30 a.m.-noon, free. LiveDaybreak.com The Natural History Museum of Utah also celebrates the last noon with their very own Noon Year’s Eve event. The super sleek exterior of the new museum is appealing, but it’s the ancient artifacts and collections inside that leave visitors in awe.

Aside from opening the exhibitions on New Year’s Eve, the museum is offering hands-on activities, music and a confetti blast at midday. (MS) 301 Wakara Way, Salt Lake City, 801581-6927, 11 a.m.-2 p.m., $7.95-$12.95. NHMU.Utah.edu

| CITY WEEKLY | DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 20

Ditch the top hat and wear a Stetson instead. When you get right down to it, most New Year’s celebrations are essentially some variation of a dance party—not so with Broken Heart Rodeo’s Bull Wars. This annual event brings bull-riding—the most exciting event of the rodeo—to liven up the final day of 2016. (KE) Golden Spike Event Center, 1000 N. 1200 West, Ogden, 801-399-8798, 7:30 p.m.-midnight, $6-$17.

GoldenSpikeEventCenter.com

Check into Detox. End the year in truly glamourous company with RuPaul’s Drag Race star Detox at Metro Music Hall (formerly Metro Bar). This drag queen is one of the memorable cast members in Season 2 of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars. DJ Shutter provides the music, and Indie Skies, Lisa Dank and Kay Bye host. (KE) Metro Music Hall, 615 W. 100 South, 9 p.m.-midnight, $15-$30. SmithTix.com

Golf … Skip the congested bar scene and reserve a bay at Topgolf. You and your group can enjoy a more relaxing transition into 2017, hitting balls into giant, glowing holes in the ground while getting your buzz on at the all-inclusive bar. Don’t sleep on the extensive list of appetizers. The Topgolf New Year’s Eve package includes party favors and unlimited golfing. (MS) Topgolf, 920 Jordan River Blvd., Midvale, 801-208-2600, 9 p.m.-1 a.m., $225-$450. Topgolf.com

Bust a move at the Great Saltair. The Saltair’s final show of 2016 is jam-packed with artists and performances.

Featuring the beats of Deorro with SLiiNK Riggi & Piros, the “Black & White New Year’s Eve Party” promises a night full of nonstop party music in one of Utah’s most unique music venues. Parking is $5 (cash only), and is not included with ticket purchase. (KE) Saltair, 12408 W. Saltair Drive, 801-250-6205, 7 p.m.-midnight, $35. TheSaltair.com

Get masked.

Zermatt Utah’s Masquerade Party promises glittery masks, a balloon drop and a night full of dancing 2016 away. This elegant event is open to the whole family, and children 5 and under are free. Dinner is $45 and is not included with the price of the party ticket. (KE) Zermatt Utah, 784 W. Resort Drive, Midway, 866-937-6288, 8:30 p.m.-midnight, $19.95-$99. ZermattResort.com

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Funk it up. Get your New Year’s celebrations started a day early with George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic at The Depot. This band brings more than 40 years of experience to deliver an outlandish and memorable night. With an opening performance by local artist Talia Keys, the show promises a fun and funk-filled night. (KE) The Depot, 400 W. South Temple, 801-355-5522, 8:30 p.m.-12:30 a.m., $35-$40. DepotSLC.com

BY KYLEE EHMANN, SCOTT RENSHAW, MIKEY SALTAS & GAVIN SHEEHAN

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Catch some epic fireworks. What better way to ring in the new year than with the boom of fireworks echoing off the mountains? Join in Snowbird’s torchlight parade and firework show for a mountain getaway at one of Utah’s most beloved ski resorts. (KE) Snowbird Center, 9385 S. Snowbird Center Drive, Snowbird, 801-933-2222, 6 p.m.-midnight, $165-$245. Snowbird.com

Behold 31 options for ringing in 2017 with a bang— from active to contemplative.

DANIEL DUDEK-CORRIGAN

NEW YEAR ’S EVE 2016

RACHEL PIPER

CRONE’S HOLLOW CO-OWNER RITA MORGAN The Living Planet Aquarium in Draper is fun for the family year-round, but if you haven’t made it to the giant fish tank in 2016 yet, you can only procrastinate until Dec. 31 at their Noon Year’s Eve event. The aquarium is kicking off the new year with a balloon drop, face painting, photos and, of course, open exhibits. (MS) 12033 S. Lone Peak Parkway, Draper, 801-355-3474, 11 a.m.-2 p.m., free with admission. TheLivingPlanet.com Gaze into the future. If you knew beforehand what 2016 had in store for you, would you have taken the same actions? Perhaps you would’ve gotten out of that toxic relationship a little sooner, or maybe everyone would’ve taken Donald Trump and his small hands a bit more seriously. The past year was a bitch to us all, so take zero chances and get a psychic reading at Crone’s Hollow to find out what to expect in 2017. The store offers group sessions in palm reading, oracle cards, energy healing, crystal ball reading and other forms of divination so you can do the new year right this time. (MS) 3834 S. Main, Salt Lake City, 801906-0470, 9 p.m.-1 a.m., $40.

CronesHollow.com Burn your woes away. Out with the old, in with the new.

That’s what New Year’s Eve i s all about, right? Say goodbye to stagnant and negative thoughts that inhibit your happiness at the sixth annual Burning Bowl Ceremony. The Satya Center for Spiritual Living and the Congregational United Church of Christ hosts the bowl-burning event, a tradition in which they seek to help people let go of the past and create new goals and intentions for 2017. (MS) 3350 Harrison Blvd., Ogden, 801-9200560, 6 p.m.-7 p.m., free but donations accepted.

TheSatyaCenter.org

Fall in love with Alan Cumming. Park City’s Eccles Center hosts Alan Cumming for its traditional New Year’s Eve show.

The Scottish actor is perhaps best known for his Tony award-winning role in Broadway’s Cabaret and a recurring role on CBS’s The Good Wife. Depending on what generation you grew up in, you might also recognize him as Floop from the Spy Kids series or Boris Grishenko in GoldenEye. (MS) 1750 Kearns Blvd., Park City, 435-655-3114, 8 p.m., $49-$189. EcclesCenter.org Lighten up. Get an early start on those resolutions—or at least free up some calories before a night of partying—at Fuze Fitness’ Open House in the morning of New Year’s Eve. The free classes run the gamut in all levels of physical fitness, so don’t feel bad if you’re carrying an extra few pounds from the holidays. Choose from black light Zumba (don’t forget to wear white), a weightlifting class, a stretching/yoga class and more. (MS) 9854 S. 700 East, Sandy, 208-283-9181, 9 a.m.-noon, free but RSVP required.

FuzeFitness.com

ALAN CUMMING

FRANCIS HILLS

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21 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

NEW Y EAR ’S EVE 2016

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23 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

STEVEN VARGO

NEW Y EAR ’S EVE 2016

VIVA LA DIVA Party in Provo. The city’s Countdown to 2017 celebrates the new year with a series of events, including this massive party at the recreation center featuring dozens of activities. Laser tag, archery, hypnotists, a game room, karaoke, a gadget room, a magic show, paddle boats, casino games, face painting and live comedy from the cast of Studio C are just some of the activities scheduled. That’s a hefty evening for $10.

(GS) Provo Recreation Center, 320 W. 500 North, Provo, 7 p.m.-midnight, kids 3-17 $8, adults $10, ProvoCityEvents.com Get in touch with your inner diva. If you dig celebrity impressions, the Viva La Diva-NYE Diamond Celebration show is for you. City Weekly and Five Wives Vodka sponsor this star-studded event with impersonators of Lady Gaga, Pink, Marilyn Monroe, Dolly Parton, Bette Midler, Cher and more.

Harry-It Winston prepares the menu, and a full mixologist bar is on hand to keep the party fueled until 1 a.m. (GS) Club X, 445 S. 400 West, 801-935-4267, 7:30 p.m.-1 a.m., $35, 21+. ClubXSLC.com Catch up-and-coming musical acts. It wouldn’t be New Year’s Eve without music, and Kilby Court is happy to give you a show before you run off to find fireworks. Kicking off at 7 p.m., the all-ages venue throws an alllocals “pre-bash” bash featuring the rock band Lady Teeth (in one of their final shows before they take a hiatus), punk rockers Spooky Snack, “sensitive” rock band GABI and the garage rock trio Rich Girlz. (GS) Kilby Court, 741 S. Kilby Court, 7 p.m., $6, all-ages. KilbyCourt.com

Disco skate! Feel like getting off to a rolling start on 2017, while grooving like you’re in 1977? Orem’s Classic Fun Center brings in the new year with a familyfriendly New Year’s Eve Disco Skate Party, complete with midnight countdown and balloon drop (with balloons filled with cash and prizes). Feather that hair and break out the polyester. (SR) 250 S. State, Orem, 801-224-4197, 9 p.m.12:30 a.m., $10 or $5 online pre-sale.

ClassicFunCenterOrem.com

Solve a murder. Get ready for the countdown by turning your final dinner of 2016 into a chance to test your powers of deduction. The Dinner Detective Murder Mystery includes a four-course plated dinner for all participants, in an interactive show that gives guests a chance to figure out whodunit. (SR) Embassy Suites, 3524 S. Market St., West Valley City, 801-968-4760, 6 p.m.-9:30 p.m., $54.95. TheDinnerDetective.com/Salt-Lake-City

Party in the valley. Never let it be said that Utah County doesn’t know how to party; they just do it in their own special way. Uprising Events offers the grand entertainment of the Utah Valley New Year’s 2017, with DJs Marcus Wing and Justin Reid laying down the beats in two different themed dance areas. When you feel like taking a break from dancing, enjoy the rock-climbing wall, inflatables, food truck offerings and special giveaways.

Dress to impress. (SR) UCCU Center, 800 W. University Parkway, Orem, 801-8636175, 8 p.m.-12:10 a.m., $20.99-$35.99.

UprisingEvents.com

Get tagged. If the year about to end left you wanting to pull a trigger, here’s a safe and sane way to get that aggression out of your system. Laser Assault invites you to bring in the new year until the wee hours of the morning with unlimited laser tag, mini golf and an all-you-can-eat buffet. (SR) 264 N. 100 West, Provo, 801-374-3400, 10 p.m.-6 a.m., $35. LaserAssault.net

Visit the Doctor. What’s the passage of a single year when you’re a Time Lord? Fire up the Tardis and join in the fun at the Doctor Who New Year’s Costume Party. Come for the banquet dinner or just the dance,

CALEB GUNDERSON

THE DINNER DETECTIVE

putting on your finest themed costume for prizes, games and general merriment. (SR) White Willow Reception Center, 342 N. 500 West, Provo, 8 p.m.-1 a.m., $35-$99.

ChefAnthonyNewYears.Eventbrite.com Help out those in need. Maybe what you need in order to get 2017 off on the right foot is the feeling that you’re making a difference to make next year a better one. Volunteers are needed for the 23rd annual New Year’s Dinner and Party for the Homeless at the Salt Lake City Mission for set-up, check-in, food preparation, clean-up and many other tasks.

If you’re not able to make it in person, make a financial gift online. (SR) Christian Life Center, 1055 N. Redwood Road, Jan. 1, 7 a.m.7 p.m., SaltLakeCityMission.org Run. That New Year’s resolution to be more active can get a head start by an hour or so. Salt Lake City Track Club hosts the annual Beat the New Year 5K. Two start times are offered to accommodate different ability levels to finish before midnight, with a pre-race raffle and special prizes offered for themed costumes and fastest runners. (SR) Sugar House Park, 1330 E. 2100 South, staging and parking at Highland High School, 2100 S. 1700 East, 11:15 p.m. & 11:30 start times, $25-$35.

SLCTrackClub.org/BTNY Just stay home. Let’s face it: 2016 knocked us all on our ass. It’s OK to relax, gather your strength and greet 2017 with unabashed energy. You’re gonna need. CW

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Get irie in Ogden. Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is gonna be alright. Especially if you decide to start the year with the sounds of Utah-based reggae outfit Zion Riot. Dance until the old year is gone. (SR) Brewski’s, 244 25th St., Ogden, 801-394-1713, 10 p.m.-1 a.m., $5 cover. BrewskisOnline.net

BEAT THE NEW YEAR 5K

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Do the Charleston. Have you ever imagined yourself celebrating like all the Roaring ’20s bon-vivants you read about in books? Dust off your spats or don your finest flapper attire for Summit Lounge’s “Great Gatsby New Year’s Eve.” DJ Cloud 9 provides the music for the 1920s-themed evening, with chances to win prizes including cash and a night’s stay in Wendover. (SR) 918 Heritage Park Blvd., Layton, 801-773-8784, 7:35 p.m.-1 a.m., $3.

Facebook.com/SummitLounge

COURTESY SALT LAKE CITY TRACK CLUB

NEW Y EAR ’S EVE 2016

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25 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

FRIDAY 12.23

Russel Daniels is a longtime local photographer whose work has bridged the gap between photojournalism, in which he has a B.A., and visual art. The common thread between the two is that they both tell a story, and his shots display an uncanny economy of visual language to communicate with the viewer.

He has pursued a number of narrative photo projects, and his latest is Blossom as a Rose.

Titled after the verse from the Book of Isaiah— “The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them; and the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose”—the series features images from both historic and obscure sites around the Mormon West. Among them are the LDS Temple Granite Quarry (pictured), Suicide Rock, an FLDS compound and suburban streets in the valley.

The story they tell is of the way inhabitants— from settlers to current residents—have been shaped by the landscape and have made their own mark on it in return. The challenges and isolation of the high desert wilderness helped make this place and people what they are.

The gallery with a quirky, subversive name has hosted several shows taking flights of fancy this past year. It’s now more grounded at year’s end—but no less adventurous for its roots in local culture and geography. (Brian Staker) Russel Albert Daniels: Blossom as a Rose @ God Hates Robots, 314 W. 300 South, Ste. 250, through Dec. 30, MondayFriday, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. or by appointment.

GodHatesRobots.com

One of the best pairings to hit the SLC comedy scene in recent years has been the combination of Marcus and Guy Seidel. The two have taken their love for music and comedy, and seamlessly blended them into a musical impression medley that pokes fun at just about every genre under the sun.

“I believe the show has become so popular because it is something different,” Seidel says.

“We incorporate stand-up and music without being what I think is cheesy. We do songs and medleys that connect with all ages and circles.”

Marcus brings his outstanding array of impressions—ranging from music icons to famous actors—and pairs it with Seidel’s commentary and massive mental catalog of songs that he plays perfectly on his acoustic guitar. Their Musical Impression Show is like watching two karaoke masters with a sense of humor go to work on your favorite earworms. They’ve gone from being a simple novelty routine at the end of lineups to a frequently sold-out act that audiences keep returning for.

This Friday, the duo hits the downtown Wiseguys stage to perform classic bits as well as new material. Special guests are kept secret until showtime.

And because it’s the holidays, they’ll be throwing in some Christmas tunes to get you in the spirit before the weekend. The show closes out what has been an amazing year for Seidel, who won a Best of Utah Arts award and raised more than $19,000 for his annual Comedy Cares show. (Gavin Sheehan) Marcus & Guy Seidel @ Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West, 801-532-5233, Dec. 23, 7:30 p.m., $15. WiseguysComedy.com

Marcus & Guy Seidel

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BECKY ROGERS

COURTESY GOD HATES ROBOTS

THURSDAY 12.22

Russel Albert Daniels: Blossom as a Rose

ENTERTAINMENT PICKS DEC. 22-28, 2016

DANIAL LARSEN

ESSENTIALS

the

FRIDAY 12.23

SATURDAY 12.24

It doesn’t matter where you go during the final weeks of the year: Every place is crowded with busy shoppers buying presents, returning them or spending their gift cards.

Union Station’s galleries offer a respite from the hustle and bustle. Located at the front of Ogden’s historic 25th Street, these art galleries feature the best of Ogden’s art scene in a quiet locale.

In the primary Gallery at the Station, paintings by local artist Michael Calles line the walls. These artworks primarily feature the wildlife of the Western United States, like coyotes and cougars portrayed in a slightly impressionistic style. And in the smaller Myra Powell Gallery, there is a photograph exhibit from the Wasatch Camera Club called Saline Visions, which focuses on the natural diversity of the Great Salt Lake region.

Danial Larsen, gallery manager, says seeing the artwork—all of which is available to purchase—is only part of the fun. “Not only can you experience and discover high-caliber and great works of art within the station, but you can also take a step back in time and embrace history by enjoying the architecture and design of a historical landmark,” she says.

That station has existed on 25th Street since the mid-1800s, although this is the third building to inhabit its place. In addition to hosting the two galleries, the building also has four museums that house firearms, trains, cars and cowboy memorabilia relevant to Utah’s history. (Kylee Ehmann) Gallery at the Station: Michael Calles/ Saline Visions @ Union Station, 2501 S. Wall Ave., Ogden, 801-393-9890, through Jan. 6, Monday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., free.

TheUnionStation.org

Every year, the Salt Lake Film Society’s Broadway Centre Cinemas hosts free Christmas screenings of the 1946 Frank Capra classic It’s a Wonderful Life. And every year, those screenings are an opportunity to be reminded—or to learn for the first time—that most of what you think you know about this movie as cheesy holiday Americana is false.

While plenty of folks remember the story’s happy ending, with George Bailey (James Stewart) running through the snowy streets of Bedford Falls wishing “merry Christmas, everybody,” and his daughter blankly reading her line about angels getting their wings, there’s plenty of uncomfortable material bubbling beneath its surface. Most obviously, it’s the story of a divine suicide intervention, as the guardian-angel-intraining Clarence (Henry Travers) attempts to show a despondent George, whose life is falling apart, that his life has value.

Beyond that, however, Capra and his writers craft a story that’s far from a simple celebration of small-town America. George’s domesticity and eventual role running the building and loan are part of a war he’s fighting within himself over his big dreams for going out into the world; his conflicted not-quite-a-proposal to Mary (Donna Reed) is one of strangest such scenes in movie history. There’s nothing simple about the way Capra presents the conflict between individual desires and a sense of communal responsibility.

During a Christmas season at the end of a particularly hard year, maybe that’s one of the most wonderful ideas we can explore. (Scott Renshaw) It’s a Wonderful Life @ Broadway Centre Cinemas, 111 E. 300 South, 801-321-0310, Dec. 24, 3 p.m.; Dec. 25, 7:30 p.m., free.

SaltLakeFilmSociety.org

Gallery at the Station: Michael Calles/Saline Visions

Salt Lake Film Society: It’s a Wonderful Life

A&E

THEATER

Wig in a Box

Euan Morton brings his own take to a character who’s more than hair and makeup.

BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

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Eccles Theater 131 E. Main, Salt Lake City 801-355-2787 Dec. 20-22, 7:30 p.m.

Dec. 23 8 p.m. $30-70 ArtTix.ArtSaltLake.org

| CITY WEEKLY | DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 26

HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH

grown,” Morton says of the way the story now plays more than 15 years after it was created. “The number of young people that are coming out as gay or transgender or genderqueer or whatever name they give themselves, it’s a far greater number [and] people are coming out younger. But [Hedwig is also] talking about a wall as a metaphor for separation; I mean, we’ve been talking about ‘the wall’ [in the presidential

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own unique direction.

Euan Morton as Hedwig in Hedwig and the Angry Inch “The audience is a character in this show,” Morton says of the premise. “There’s no fourth wall. campaign] for 18 months now. … It’s about You’re talking to them for the enthe fall of the wall, and the rise of the pertire evening, and in some cases you’re forcsonal wall, and how to get over them both.” ing them to interact, or they’re interacting The stop that the Hedwig tour makes lothrough their own choice. And that takes cally falls during Christmas week, which on a life of its own. That sort of other charmight be particularly appropriate for a tale acter, being the audience, informs very that Morton calls “a little, tiny love story,” much how the evening is going to go, and but one that’s wrapped up in the kind of big makes every evening totally different.” ideas captured in the revisionist mytholThe script itself and the songs have ogy of the song “Origin of Love.” changed over the years, in larger and “It’s honestly like the explosion of the Big smaller ways, up to and including tweaks Bang at the beginning of the show,” Morton that are made based on each individual says, “and the universe just expands from city where the show plays. It’s also a play there over 90 minutes. At the end you’re that was born in the late 1990s—not only looking at the entire knowable universe a different era in terms of the politics, so through music and story. And all of those close to the dissolution of the former Soviet little stars are the stardust of love. Each litUnion, but a world where Hedwig’s repretle star is the remnant of love in [Hedwig’s] sentation of a genderqueer character was life. And with that many stars in the uniunique in the media. verse, it looks like Christmas lights.” CW “I think the world, social ideas have

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here’s a certain humility to the way Euan Morton thinks about playing Hedwig, the transgender East German rock singer at the center of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. In fact, he gives much of the credit to those who dress him up in the character’s distinctive glam ensemble. “I put on the outfit, the makeup, the hair, and people just go, ‘Hedwig!’” the Scottish-born actor says during a phone interview from a tour stop in Seattle. “So before you’ve even said a word, the audience buys that you are that person. There’s a lot of the pressure that’s taken off of you to do an impersonation; you’re given a freedom to interpret in a very different way for people who’ve already purchased what you’re selling.”

If audiences are ready to make that purchase, it’s because this unique story has already been brought to life in iconic ways. Set just after the fall of the Berlin Wall, Hedwig and the Angry Inch places the title character on a nightclub tour in which she’s essentially stalking an ex-lover, rock star Tommy Gnosis, and telling her life story including her life behind the Iron Curtain and a botched gender-reassignment operation. The play’s creator, John Cameron Mitchell, turned the 1998 off-Broadway show into a cult-favorite 2001 film adaptation; Neil Patrick Harris later won a Tony award for a 2014 Broadway revival.

Following in such large footsteps might seem intimidating to an actor, but Morton— who says he’s seen the film version, and read the script from the Neil Patrick Harris version—feels that he was given the freedom to make Hedwig his own. “There are certain marks you have to hit, certain things you have to do, and everyone does them the same way in order for the show to work,” Morton says. “But when it comes to developing a character … I was given a lot of freedom. There were certain pointers given that have worked before, and in many cases I did them and they continued to work. On the whole, I never felt like I was trying to keep up with somebody else’s interpretation.”

Morton certainly didn’t step into the role without impressive credits of his own. Indeed, he originated the role of another gender-bending musical figure, Boy George, in his Tony-nominated performance in Taboo—another role, he jokingly notes, where putting on familiar makeup and hair gives an actor a head-start. He also believes that the very nature of Hedwig and the Angry Inch makes it the kind of show where an actor has to be ready to take things in their

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27 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

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Temple, Salt Lake City, 385-468-1010, Dec. 23-24, 7 p.m., sold out; Jan. 3, 6:30 p.m., UtahSymphony.org

COMEDY & IMPROV

Marcus & Guy Seidel Wiseguys, 194 S. 400 West, Salt Lake City, 801-532-5233, Dec. 23, 7:30 p.m., WiseguysComedy.com (see p. 25) Natashia Mower Sandy Station, 8925 S. Harrison St., Sandy, 801-225-2078, Dec. 23, 8:30 p.m., SandyStation.com

SPECIAL EVENTS FESTIVALS, FAIRS & MARKETS

Modern West Fine Art (177 E. 200 South, Salt Lake City, 801-355-3383, ModernWestFineArt.com) presents a Small Works exhibition of 16-by-20-inch or smaller pieces from their represented artists (Kevin Kehoe’s “’68” is pictured), through Jan. 7.

PERFORMANCE THEATER

A Christmas Carol Hale Center Theater Orem, 225 W. 400 North, Orem, 801-226-8600, through Dec. 23, times vary, HaleTheater.org A Fairly Potter Christmas Carol The Ziegfeld Theater, 3934 S. Washington Blvd., Ogden, 855944-2787, through Dec. 23, days and times vary, TheZiegfeldTheater.com Diary of a Worm, a Spider and a Fly Salt Lake Acting Co., 168 W. 500 North, 801363-7522, through Dec. 28, times vary, SaltLakeActingCompany.org Hedwig & the Angry Inch Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main, Salt Lake City, 801-355-2787, through Dec. 24, 7:30 p.m., ArtSaltLake.org (see p. 26) It’s A Wonderful Life CenterPoint Legacy Theatre, 525 N. 400 West, Centerville, 801-2981302, Dec. 22, 7:30 p.m., CenterpointTheatre.org Miracle on 3rd & Main The Off Broadway Theatre, 272 S. Main, Salt Lake City, 801-355-

4628, through Dec. 24, 7:30 p.m., TheOBT.org Nutcracker: Men in Tights Desert Star Playhouse, 4861 S. State, Murray, 801-2662600, through Dec. 31, DesertStar.biz Wizard of Oz Utah Children’s Theatre, 3605 S. State, Salt Lake City, 801-532-6000, through Jan. 14, dates and times vary, UCTheatre.org

DANCE

Ballet West: The Nutcracker Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South, Salt Lake City, 801-355-2787, through Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m.; Saturday matinee, 2 p.m., BalletWest.org The ReduxNut-Cracker Kingsbury Hall, 1395 Presidents Circle, Salt Lake City, 801-581-7100, through Dec. 23, 7:30 p.m., OdysseyDance.com

CLASSICAL & SYMPHONY

Kurt Bestor Egyptian Theatre, 328 Main, Park City, 435-649-9371, Dec. 22-23, 8 p.m.; Dec. 24-25, 6 p.m., EgyptianTheatreCompany.org Utah Symphony: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South

Christmas Eve Torchlight Parade 1310 Lowell Ave., Park City, 435-658-9457, Dec. 24, 5:30 p.m., ParkCityMountain.com Downtown Artist Collective Holiday Market 258 E. 100 South, through Dec. 24, ThursdaySunday, DowntownArtistCollective.org EVE WinterFest Salt Palace Convention Center, 100 S. West Temple, 801-333-1133, Dec. 26-30, 6-10 p.m.; Dec. 31, 3-11:55 p.m., EVESLC.com Winter Market Rio Grande Depot, 300 S. Rio Grande St., Salt Lake City, through April 22, 2017, Saturdays, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., SLCFarmersMarket.org

SEASONAL EVENTS

Candlelight Christmas This Is The Place Heritage Park, 2106 Sunnyside Ave., Salt Lake City, 801-582-1847, Dec. 22, 6-9 p.m., ThisIsThePlace.org Christmas Eve Torchlight Parade 1310 Lowell Ave., Park City, 435-658-9457, Dec. 24, 5:30 p.m., ParkCityMountain.com Christmas in Color Ed Mayne Street, near Utah Olympic Oval, Kearns, through Dec. 31, MondayThursday, 5:30-10 p.m.; Friday-Saturday, 5:30-11 p.m., ChristmasInColor.net Christmas Cruise CLAS Ropes Course, 3606 West Center, Provo, 801-373-8897, through Dec. 23, times vary, CLASRopes.com Christmas Village Ogden Amphitheater & City Hall Park, 343 E. 25th St., Ogden, 801-6298214, through Jan. 1, 5 p.m.-midnight, free, ChristmasVillageMap.OgdenCity.com Holiday Lights Art at the Main, 210 E. 400 South, 801-363-4088, through Jan. 4, ArtAtTheMain.com Salt Lake Film Society: It’s a Wonderful Life Broadway Centre Cinemas, 111 E. 300 South, 801321-0310, Dec. 24, 3 p.m.; Dec. 25, 7:30 p.m.,

free, SaltLakeFilmSociety.org (see p. 25) Luminaria: Experience the Light Ashton Gardens at Thanksgiving Point, 3900 N. Garden Drive, Lehi, through Dec. 31, ThanksgivingPoint.org North Pole Express Heber Valley Railroad, 450 S. 600 West, Heber City, 435-654-5601, through Dec. 24, see website for schedule, $5-$50, HeberValleyRR.org Nuncrackers Covey Center for the Arts, 425 W. Center, Provo, 801-852-7007, Dec. 22-23, 7:30 p.m., Provo.org/Community Trees of Diversity Utah Cultural Celebration Center, 1355 W. 3100 South, West Valley City, 801-965-5100, through Dec. 31, Cultural Celebration.org Zoo Lights Utah’s Hogle Zoo, 2600 E. Sunnyside Ave., Salt Lake city, 801-584-1700, through Dec. 31, nightly except Mondays, $5-$8, HogleZoo.org

VISUAL ART GALLERIES & MUSEUMS

The Art of Joy! Local Colors of Utah, 1054 E. 2100 South, Salt Lake City, 801-363-3922, through Jan. 10, LocalColorsArt.com Art Shop Project Gateway Mall, 18 N. Rio Grande St., 801-456-0000, through Dec. 31, ShopTheGateway.com Bridgette Meinhold: Under the Same Sky MAR Gallery 436 Main, Park City, 435-649-3001, through Dec. 24, GalleryMAR.com David Levinthal: The Wild West Julie Nester Gallery, 1280 Iron Horse Drive, Park City, 435-6497855, through Jan. 17, JulieNesterGallery.com Gallery at the Station: Michael Calles/ Saline Visions Union Station, 2501 S. Wall Ave., Ogden, 801-393-9890, through Jan. 6, MondaySaturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., free, TheUnionStation. org (see p. 25) Glorious Nature: Photography by Paul J. Marto Jr. Salt Lake City Chapman Library, 577 S. 900 West, 801-594-8623, through Dec. 29, SLCPL.org Holly Manneck: Popped & Twisted Kimball Art Center, 638 Park Ave., Salt Lake City, 435-6498882, through Jan. 8, KimballArtCenter.org Russel Albert Daniels: Blossom as a Rose God Hates Robots, 314 W. 300 South, Ste. 250, through Dec. 30, Monday-Friday, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. or by appointment, GodHatesRobots.com (see p. 25)

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28 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

HOLIDAY DINING

End 2016 With a Bang

DINE

Where to dine and drink during the year-end holidays.

BY TED SCHEFFLER comments@cityweekly.net @critic1

JOHN TAYLOR

T

his year, Christmas and New Year’s Eve celebrations promise to be a tad merrier than most, given that the Gregorian calendar saw fit to place those holidays on weekends. That means more recovery time for those of us who want to finish off 2016—which has been dreadful for many—with a bang. If you’re one of those folks, you’re in luck. More restaurants than usual are open and ready to serve you on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and/or New Year’s Eve. On Christmas Eve, Caffé Niche (779 E. 300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-433-3380, CaffeNiche.com) is open until 9 p.m., serving their regular menu, plus holiday specials like wild organic mushroom bisque; shrimp cocktail; cioppino with crab, shrimp, mussels and mahi mahi; and Black Forest cake with vanilla gelato, Luxardo cherry sauce and crumbled pistachios.

From 5-10 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, a fivecourse dinner ($40) menu features items such as an amuse-bouche of eggplant and olive oil mousse; green goddess salad or wild mushroom bisque; honey tangerine granita; entrée options of “Barely Buzzed” filet mignon, Morgan Valley lamb chop or bouillabaisse; plus dessert selections.

Current Fish & Oyster (279 E. 300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-326-3474, CurrentFishandOyster.com) is open for both lunch and dinner on Christmas Eve, offering their regular menu. Starting at 4 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, Chef Phelix Gardner and his team present a special $70 four-course menu. Options include an oyster brie soup and a tantalizing selection of oysters from both coasts, burrata, crab cakes, whole Mediterranean branzino, banana prawn fideos, caramelized organic salmon, salads and desserts.

Though very few details were provided as of press time, you can bet the NYE dinner at Fratelli Ristorante (9236 S. Village Shop Drive, Sandy, 801-495-4550, FratelliUtah.com) will be tasty and festive.

They’re offering a five-course dinner ($50), expertly paired with optional wines for an additional $50. For non-winos, there’s also a full bar. Seating is available from 5-8:30 p.m.

Kyoto Japanese Restaurant (1080 E. 1300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-487-3525, KyotoSLC.com) is open for lunch and dinner on Christmas Eve, closed Christmas Day, then open again for lunch and dinner

on New Year’s Eve. Chef Peggi InceWhiting welcomes diners on Jan. 1 from 5-10 p.m. for Japanese New Year, as well.

Her outstanding sushi, such as her baked lobster roll, strikes me as an excellent way to ring in 2017.

At Oasis Café (151 S. 500 East, Salt Lake City, 801-322-0404, OasisCafeSLC.com), Chef de Cuisine Efren Benitez greets New Year’s Eve revelers beginning at 5 p.m. with a creative menu that includes starter options like a pan-seared scallop or tower of grilled vegetables; a choice of white bean and radicchio salad or creamy shrimp bisque; pan-roasted halibut, thickcut prime rib or herb-crusted chicken breast; and dessert choices of dark chocolate cheesecake, roasted honeyed pear with Mascarpone cream or frozen Carlota de limon. The cost is $45 per person, plus tax and gratuity. Oasis is also open on New Year’s Day serving brunch from 8 a.m.-2:30 p.m.

Owner Eric DeBonis is pulling out all the stops for the holidays at The Paris Bistro (1500 S. 1500 East, Salt Lake City, 801-4865585, TheParis.net)—a warm and festive place to spend time with friends and family. The restaurant is open for dinner at 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, offering their full winter menu plus tempting holiday specials like coq au vin, Utah turkey roti and my favorite, Alsatianstyle choucroute garni. For New Year’s Eve, guests can enjoy a five-course “Midnight in Paris” dinner ($89.99 plus tax and a 20 percent service charge) with a multitude of options. Just a smattering of the tempting menu items includes buckwheat blinis with American sturgeon caviar and Kumamoto oysters; foie gras de canard au torchon; chestnut soup; Angus prime rib roast with Burgundy black truffle potato purée; panroasted Chilean sea bass, langoustine, carrot and leek mousseline with lobster

Current Fish & Oyster’s crab benedict nage; wild mushroom and barley risotto with black truffles; warm molten chocolate cake and much more.

At Park City’s Powder (2100 Frostwood Drive, Park City, 435-647-5566, WaldorfAstoriaParkCity.com) in the Waldorf-Astoria, pop into the one-off NYE Après Ski Oyster Bar from 3-5 p.m. on Dec. 31 for two glasses of Champagne and unlimited oysters on the half-shell ($28). Powder’s special New Year’s Eve dinner starts with a West Coast oyster, followed by apple rutabaga bisque with Utah goat cheese, fennel and maple sherry gastrique. Then enjoy a choice of black garlic chicken, spinach, potato purée and leeks; king salmon with sunchokes, dill, fennel and Brussels sprouts; or braised beef short rib with mushroom ragu, carrots, kale and horseradish potatoes. Dessert is a brown butter cheesecake with apricot, graham cracker and peach ($85 for dinner; $105 with wine pairings).

Celebrating its first holiday season since opening, Stanza Italian Bistro & Wine Bar (454 E. 300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-746-4441, StanzaSLC.com) is open on Christmas Eve from 5-9 p.m. with both the regular menu and dinner specials, including Wagyu beef bavette, veal cannelloni, Caputo’s burrata al forno and bûche de Noel for dessert. New Year’s Eve brings a four-course menu ($65) with choices ranging from oysters on the halfshell with Prosecco-basil mignonette and roasted pumpkin soup, to lobster farfalle; casarecce alla Bolognese; gnocchi alla panna; prosciutto-wrapped branzino; Mary’s chicken involtini; and desserts such as zabaglione and cannoli alla ricotta.

Here’s wising you happy and delicious holidays! CW

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Holiday Cheer ....is In The Cup!

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DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 29

2646 South 700 East | www.inthecup.biz 801-904-3872 | Mon-Fri: 6am-8pm Sat: 7:30am-8pm | Sun: 7:30am-7pm

BRING THE FAMILY UP EMIGRATION CANYON THIS HOLIDAY SEASON -Creekside Patio -87 Years and Going Strong -Breakfast served daily until 4pm -Delicious Mimosas & Bloody Marys -Gift Cards for sale in diner or online

4160 EMIGRATION CANYON ROAD 801 582-5807 | WWW.RUTHSDINER.COM

BY TED SCHEFFLER @critic1

Grilled shishito peppers

NIKI CHAN

Serving American Comfort Food Since 1930

FOOD MATTERS

Award Winning Donuts

Naked No More

Johnny Kwon’s Naked Fish has closed— but talk about going out on top. In my opinion, it was hitting on all cylinders in the past few years. However, Kwon enjoys change and creative challenges, and decided to take the restaurant in a new direction.

It’s been remodeled and reimagined as Ikigai (67 W. 100 South, Salt Lake City, 801-595-8888), with former Naked Fish chef David Hopps—who most recently spent time at San Francisco’s much-lauded and astronomically expensive Saison—at the helm. Ikigai has a lean, focused menu, and is not a sushi restaurant per se, although there is some sashimi on the menu, such as raw amber jack with crumbled pistachio and pickled plumb; madai with yuzu and green tea; and mackerel with pickled seaweed and petite red onions.

Warm plates include an elevated version of sukiyaki using Koji beef, and an equally appealing ramen “carbonara.” Desserts are out of this world, and service is excellent.

705 S. 700 E. | (801) 537-1433

Times Go o d & a B e e r , P iz z

Utah Chef on Today

As he has done in the past four years during the Christmas holidays, Stein Eriksen Lodge’s (SteinLodge.com) Corporate Chef and Vice President of Food and Beverage Zane Holmquist is set to appear on Today’s Christmas Eve show on NBC. During this year’s in-studio segment, Holmquist plans to demonstrate two signature dishes from Stein’s Glitretind Restaurant: a pimento cheese ball served with herb crackers, and a cast-iron s’mores recipe.

I’m hoping the crew can get Holmquist to show off his amazing tats.

Resolve with Lifelong Learning

New Year’s resolutions can be difficult to keep, but the University of Utah’s Lifelong Learning programs and their continuing education department can help. If you’re looking to eat healthier in 2017, the “Eating for a Healthier You” class begins on Jan. 30 at the Sandy campus. The “Scientific Foundations of Human Nutrition and Health” starts Jan. 9, as does “Cultural Aspects of Food.” Those looking for more decadent ways to enjoy continuing ed might enjoy “Croissants,” “An Evening of Turkish Desserts” or the “How to Brew Beer” courses. Find a complete selection of non-credit courses at Continue.Utah.edu.

Quote of the week: “Fettucine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

—Mitch Hedberg Tips: tscheffler@cityweekly.net

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30 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

AS SEEN ON “ DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES”

CELEBRATING

20 YEARS IN SUGAR HOUSE! 1063 E. 2100 S. 801.463.9393 FIDDLERSELBOWSLC.COM

BEER, WINE & SPIRITS

There Will Be Bubbles

Champagne, prosecco, cava and more for the holidays.

BY TED SCHEFFLER comments@cityweekly.net @critic1

I

cinating when I perused Wine Spectator’s Top 100 Wines for 2016, which was revealed about a week ago. That’s because No. 73 was Korbel Brut ($15.99), made with an unorthodox blend of organic French colombard, sangiovese and chardonnay grapes. But, damn if this stuff isn’t tasty. In fact, I believe Korbel was the only sparkling wine to make the WS 100. A Spanish Cava that I’ve come to love over the years is Marques Gelida Brut ($16.99), with pronounced yeasty butterscotch aromas and crisp apple flavors on the tongue. Finally, you’ll blow people’s minds at your home for the holidays when you pour them a blind tasting of Gruet Brut ($13.99). My prediction is that your guests will peg it for French Champagne long before they’ll get around to guessing it’s from New Mexico, which it is. CW

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725 E. 3300 S. SLC (801) 803-9434

2223 S. Highland Dr. SLC (385) 415-2100

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Award Winning Vietnamese Cuisine

cafetrangonline.com

*Gluten-free menu options available

18 WEST MARKET STREET 801.519.9595

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 31

L U N C H • D I N N E R • C O C K TA I L S 6001 S. State St. Murray | 801-263-8889

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King Shawarma

holiday booze budget. There are a few I’m particularly fond of.

Chloe Prosecco ($16.99) is made from 100 percent Glera grapes from a handful of small growers in the Asolo area of Prosecco. It’s bursting with peach, white flower and green apple notes, and makes for one helluva Bellini cocktail.

Easy to spot with its eggyolk-yellow label reminiscent of Veuve Clicquot, Ruffino Prosecco ($12.98) is extra-dry in style, crisp and clean, with ripe apple and pear aromas and hints of peaches on the tongue.

It makes an excellent aperitif, but also pairs well with many foods—from fried calamari to pizza, white meat dishes and seafood.

Another favorite of mine is from Veneto: Torresella Prosecco Extra Dry ($14) has nice acidity and is complex for the price—a perfect sparkling wine to accompany fruit desserts, soft cheeses or light hors d’oeuvres, or as an aperitif.

I thought I was hallu-

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love the winter holiday season, if only because it provides me with an excuse to sing the praises of one of my favorite indulgences: Champagne—or, more generally, sparkling wine. You’ll recall that only bubbly from the Champagne region of France is true Champagne. Everything else—Spanish cava, Italian prosecco, domestic sparkling wine, etc.—is simply “sparkling wine.” And, of course, it’s a cliché to focus on Champagne and other sparkling wines as we approach New Year’s Eve. But, that’s the whole point: There will be bubbles. So, let’s be sure to spend our money wisely. Here are some can’t-fail suggestions for cork-popping, in a variety of price ranges.

Again this year—unless Santa is very generous or he won the lottery—I won’t be drinking my favorite Champagne to usher in 2017. That’s because a bottle of Salon 2004 Blanc de Blancs Champagne Grand Cru sells for a whopping $480.

It’s not the most expensive Champagne around, but it’s the best I’ve ever tasted.

For about one-tenth of the price, I’ll instead enjoy a bottle of outstanding non-vintage Champagne from one of France’s smallest producers: Jean Lallement Grand Cru Brut ($59.99). It’s a gorgeous, graceful wine that’s lush, creamy and brimming with tropical fruit and floral notes. During a recent visit to France, I had the pleasure of tasting the just-released Moët & Chandon Grand Vintage Rosé 2008 Champagne ($59.99) and was bowled over. This is an exotic vintage with a bouquet of stone and tropical fruits combined with raspberry, quince and ginger on the palate—a truly festive bottle of bubbles. Or, for a real bargain, go domestic during the holidays with Domaine Chandon Blanc De Noirs ($16.99) from Napa. Winemaker Pauline Lhote blends pinot noir and pinot meunier to create this versatile, food-friendly wine, a delicious one-size-fits-all sparkler that’s great for sipping with Christmas dinner or for toasting to the new year.

Prosecco from Italy is almost always a good value and a great way to stretch your

DRINK

Stay warm with your friends at

Featuring dining destinations from buffets and rooms with a view to mom-and-pop joints, chic cuisine and some of our dining critic’s faves.

Tandoor Indian Grill

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20 W. 200 S. SLC | (801) 355-3891 | siegfriedsdelicatessen.biz

The flavors here are enticing and the service is friendly. Along with the typical curries, masalas, biryanis and kormas (the tender lamb korma is outstanding), Tandoor, located in Salt Lake City, also offers items rarely seen in Utah’s Indian restaurants: Hyderabad bagara baigan, for example. That’s baby eggplant stuffed with a peanut and sesame-seed paste, cooked with tamarind and onions, and served with a scintillating red curry. Another popular special here is dosa, and the tandoor oven-baked breads will leave a smile on your face, from the basic nicely charred naan to paratha methi, multilayered whole-wheat bread with dried fenugreek. For dessert, order the gulab jamoon: golfball-sized fried wheat-and-milk nuggets macerated in sugar syrup. 733 E. 3300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-486-4542, TandoorIndianGrill.com

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Taqueria 27

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AWARD WINNING INDIAN CUISINE

Taqueria 27 combines south-of-the-border grub with an American twist. Start with a heap of guacamole and one of the tequilas artistically displayed in chalk at each Salt Lake City location.

Once downed, choose from the copious selection of tacos, such as the citrus pork carnitas, which include charred tomatillo salsa, pickled red onion, cilantro and napkins to sop up the mess you’re sure to make. Multiple Locations, Taqueria27.com

Trolley Wing Co.

INDIAPALACEUTAH.COM 1086 WEST SOUTH JORDAN PARKWAY (10500 S.) #111 | 801.302.0777

now serving breakfast

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32 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

GOODEATS Complete listings at CityWeekly.net

@

italianvillageslc.com

5370 S. 900 E. / 801.266.4182

M O N-TH U 11a-11p / F R I-SAT 11a-12a / S U N 3p-10p

We will be closed on Fri - Mon, Dec 23-26, X-mas Weekend,

2005 E. 2700 SOUTH, SLC FELDMANSDELI.COM FELDMANSDELI OPEN TUES - SAT TO GO ORDERS: (801) 906-0369

Trolley Wing Co.’s foundation are its wings, which are served with your choice of 13 housemade sauces. These are not your typical wings. Thick and meaty with the just right dosage of sauce, in just one bite, you know you’ve not had better. If you have some sort of gripe with your tastebuds, try the Enema Challenge: 12 wings in the hotter-than-hell sauce. If you can finish them in 30 minutes, there’s no charge. 2148 S. 900 East, Salt Lake City, 801-538-0745, TrolleyWingCompany.com

and ONLY open for Breakfast and Lunch the following Tues-Thurs, and closed Fri-Mon, Dec 30Jan 2, New Years Weekend

JOHN TAYLOR

REVIEW BITES A sampler of Ted Scheffler’s reviews

6213 South Highland Drive | 801.635.8190 Yupin and Wichai Charoen

Fresh Flavors, Ancient Secrets Breakfast ·Lunch ·Dinner | Beer & Wine

Laan Na Thai

reserve your holiday party with us!

THE OTHER PLACE RESTAURANT OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK | MON - SAT 7AM - 11PM ● SUN 8AM - 10PM 469 EAST 300 SOUTH ● 521-6567

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Thai immigrants Wichai and Yupin Charoen are the nuts, bolts, beams and foundation of Laan Na Thai and the epitome of the American dream. The restaurant is tiny—just a small kitchen with counter service, a few stools inside and some sidewalk tables outside—but the menu isn’t. Customers seem to favor the bargain-priced combo meals, where a oneitem combo with rice is $5.99, and the two-item combo with rice and an egg roll is $8.49. Along with Thai staples that are familiar to many, they also offer dishes native to northeast Thailand, like nam tok, a meat salad of tender stir-fried flank steak strips with romaine lettuce and sticky rice, brimming with spicy, tangy and salty flavors of scallions, Thai chiles, fish sauce, shallots, lime and cilantro. The exquisite hung lay pork features melt-in-the-mouth pork belly in a rich, spicy curry with coconut milk, carrots and potatoes. I start every meal there now with an order of chicken puffs: delicate, made in-house puff pastries filled with minced chicken and onion, fried until golden, crispy and delicious. The curry dumplings— minced pork and scallion dumplings bathed in a slightly sweet yellow curry—are another fab starter. Reviewed Dec. 8. 336 W. 300 South, 801-363-2717, Facebook.com/LaanNaThai

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Dining Solo p. 24

1

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 33

It’s time to

2016 • Din e

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Start your day off right.

Pick up the current issue of Devour Utah

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34 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

CINEMA

FILM REVIEW

Jackie keeps repeating its intriguing ideas about turning people into icons.

BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

B

efore a single image appears on screen in Jackie, there is a deeply unsettling swell of strings from Mica Levi’s score—something that begins triumphant, then dips into a kind of horror-movie dissonance. Soon, the haunted face of Jackie Kennedy (Natalie Portman) appears—eyes red-rimmed as she walks on the Kennedy family property in Hyannis Port, Mass., just a week after the assassination of her husband, President John F. Kennedy—the music continuing its eerie swing between glorious and terrifying. It’s difficult to imagine a film announcing more spectacularly and efficiently what it’s about, before a single word is ever spoken: a disconnect between surface spectacle, and something much darker just beneath that surface.

Chilean director Pablo Larraín (No) is making his English-language debut with one of America’s defining national narratives, and it’s initially intriguing to see screenwriter Noah Oppenheim attack it from a new point of view. Jackie often nails the connection between history and image, but it’s also never about to let you forget that central idea.

As gripping as the story manages to be at individual moments, it’s held back from greatness by its repeated underlining of its own thesis statements.

Larraín and Oppenheim keep that story moving through the events of November 1963, darting back and forth in time. A framing narrative finds an unnamed journalist (Billy Crudup) inter-

FOX SEARCHLIGHT

Print (and Re-Print) the Legend

viewing Jackie as she attempts to tell her own side of the tragic tale. The film weaves back to the day of the assassination itself, and the immediate aftermath, including Jackie’s visit with a priest (John Hurt). And as the widowed First Lady still grieves, she also tries to plan a service and final resting place for President Kennedy that will anchor his place in history.

Plenty of attention regarding Jackie has been focused on Portman’s performance—and her perceived place as an Oscar frontrunner—and as is often the case with such performances, it’s sometimes hard to separate exceptional acting from exceptional achievement in mimicry. On several occasions the story introduces snippets from Jackie’s 1961 televised guided tour of the White House, addressing her work on restoring many vintage historic elements to the house. Portman nails Jackie’s awkwardness at being in the public eye, from her stiff-armed walk to her breathy and often vapid-seeming speech. But her performance might hit its most powerful moments when she’s saying nothing—mopping JFK’s blood from her face after watching him die in front of her, or drinking and smoking her way through packing up her belongings in the White House, accompanied by the title song from the musical Camelot.

That particular reference point—one cemented by Jackie in the post-assassination Life magazine interview for which the Crudup character is a stand-in—becomes just one example of how Jackie rarely seems content to introduce an idea once when it can do so two or three times.

Much of the tight, 96-minute running time surrounds Jackie’s detailed involvement in orchestrating the president’s funeral procession, often arguing with

Natalie Portman in Jackie

Bobby Kennedy (Peter Sarsgård) or members of Lyndon Johnson’s team. That material makes for some fascinating procedural drama, as logistics collide with what today would be called “optics,” yet it also finds Jackie repeating more or less the same concept over and over again: It’s all about giving Kennedy an epic sendoff, something that his achievements might not have earned, but which would make sure he wasn’t a forgotten victim of assassination like James Garfield or William McKinley. Larraín repeatedly holds his actors in tight close-ups, making it more inescapable as Jackie repeatedly tells the journalist how much of her story he is and isn’t allowed to share, depending on how it corresponds to the legend she’s trying to shape.

Jackie is engrossing enough as character study—particularly as it touches on Jackie’s own conflicted emotions about lionizing a man whose personal flaws she knew all too well—that it rarely feels oppressive. Portman walks an effective, tricky line humanizing an icon whose goal was to render her family iconic. It’s just a shame more of Jackie couldn’t have followed the lead of that remarkable Mica Levi score, giving unexpected twists to moments that could have been pedantic or maudlin. Unlike that score, the script is content to repeat variations on a familiar theme. CW

JACKIE

BBB Natalie Portman Peter Sarsgård Billy Crudup Rated R

TRY THESE JFK (1991) Kevin Costner Gary Oldman Rated R

Black Swan (2010) Natalie Portman Mila Kunis Rated R

No (2012) Gael García Bernal Alfredo Castro Rated R

Parkland (2013) Zac Efron Tom Welling Rated PG-13

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DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 35

CINEMA CLIPS MOVIE TIMES AND LOCATIONS AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

Information is correct at press time. Film release schedules are subject to change.

ASSASSIN’S CREED [not yet reviewed] A man (Michael Fassbender) discovers that he is descended from a line of trained killers. Opens Dec. 21 at theaters valleywide. (PG-13) FENCES BBB.5 Denzel Washington and Viola Davis won Tony Awards for their performances in the 2010 revival of August Wilson’s Fences, and this big-screen adaptation gives them an opportunity to burn down the screen. Davis does: Her portrayal of Rose, long suffering wife to Troy (Washington), might be one of the greatest performances in screen history. If only Washington the director had made Washington the performer rise to Davis’ level. It’s not that Washington is bad—he’s quite good—it’s just that his interpretation of Troy feels like an amalgamation of other, better Washington performances. Still, that’s merely a quibble. With material this strong—Fences is one of the most admired plays in history—it’s impossible not to get swept up in the story of a former Negro League ballplayer looking back at his life.

But Fences is bigger than that—a dense drama with so much subtext that it demands repeated viewings. The supporting cast is excellent, especially Stephen Henderson as Bono and Russell Hornsby as Lyons.

Charlotte Bruus Christensen’s handsome cinematography almost makes Fences transcend its stage roots. Opens Dec. 25 at theaters valleywide. (R)—David Riedel

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

JACKIE BBB See review p. 34. Opens Dec. 21 at theaters valleywide. (R)

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LION BB Half of a fascinating real-life feel-good story is a decent start, but it’s not enough when the theoretically feel-good half is a soggy dud. The story opens in 1986, as 5-year-old Saroo (Sunny Pawar) is separated from his family in India, and winds up orphaned in Calcutta before he’s ultimately adopted by an Australian couple (Nicole Kidman and David Wenham). That compelling first hour follows the lost boy through various perilous encounters on a tension-filled odyssey, but then we flash-forward 20 years, as a now-adult Saroo (Dev Patel) becomes obsessed with the possibility of finding his birth family, resulting in

much angst with his girlfriend (a thoroughly wasted Rooney Mara).

While it’s possible there’s a way to dramatize Saroo’s inner turmoil, as well as dramas surrounding his adoptive family, the entire second half simply falls dead, having rushed through every relationship so that there’s no emotional hook connecting the plot points. Patel’s performance becomes full of tics signifying his frustration with Google Earth searches and walls covered in maps and clues. Whatever investment a viewer might have had in the fate of that little boy never transfers to this moping adult. Opens Dec. 25 at Broadway Centre Cinemas.

(PG-13)—Scott Renshaw PASSENGERS [not yet reviewed] Two space travelers (Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence) awaken far too soon from their cryo-sleep. Opens Dec. 21 at theaters valleywide. (PG-13) SING BBB.5 Yes, Sing bears some similarity to Zootopia, with their human-free worlds of anthropomorphized animals. But the two movies are very different in tone, humor, drama and intent; this could be a light comedy produced in Zootopia—its Pitch Perfect, perhaps. Theatrical impressario Buster Moon (Matthew McConaughey), a koala, decides to put on a voice-talent show in a last-ditch attempt to save his grand but failing theater, though precisely how this will save the venue isn’t quite clear. Still, McConaughey’s transcendent voice performance sells Buster as a bear of big ideas and bigger optimism, never mind the details. With a simpler story and gentler metaphors than Zootopia— mostly concerning hidden talents that only need the opportunity to shine—Sing will be easier going for younger kids, and it might even get them interested in classic pop standards à la Irving Berlin and Frank Sinatra (though there’s tons of modern pop here, too). With smart attention to the trials and foibles of a diverse range of characters—not just in species, but in gender, too—and some irresistibly toe-tapping musical numbers, Sing is sweet, funny, a total delight.

Opens Dec. 21 at theaters valleywide. (PG)—MaryAnn Johanson WHY HIM? BB.5 There’s one context in which James Franco starts to seem like a bona fide movie star: whenever his character is meant to be dialed up to 11.

And that’s where you’ll find him playing Laird Mayhew, an unfiltered, tatted-up video-game millionaire trying to impress Ned (Bryan Cranston) and Barb Fleming (Megan Mullally), the Midwestern par-

ents of his girlfriend (Zoey Deutch) during a Christmas week visit to his California mansion. Plenty of broad, crude, R-rated shenanigans ensue in the story from co-writer/director John Hamburg (I Love You, Man)—a literal tidal wave of piss might be involved, along with the malfunctioning of a high-tech toilet—with predictably uneven results. But Cranston and Mullally are aces at their incredulousbordering-on-horrified reaction takes, which proves pretty crucial in a story where that’s more or less the plot. Franco, meanwhile, goes for the gusto playing a guy with a completely ingenuous sincerity behind his obliviousness to decorum, making him—and God forgive me for saying so—almost endearing. It might be the kind of studio comedy that you know will include weird cameos, but at least it sells the weirdness at its center. Opens Dec. 23 at theaters valleywide. (R)—SR

SPECIAL SCREENINGS LITTLE MEN At Park City Film Series, Dec 23-24, 6 p.m.; Dec. 25, 8 p.m. (R) NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN At Brewvies, Dec. 26, 10 p.m. (R)

CURRENT RELEASES

LA LA LAND BBBB The movie musical is built almost entirely on the willingness of an audience to submit to romanticism, and writer/director Damien Chazelle wastes no time announcing what sort of movie this is with a “CinemaScope” title card and a dance number set in Southern California freeway traffic. The plot is simple bordering on simplistic—a “boy meets girl” tale of an aspiring actress (Emma Stone) and struggling jazz musician (Ryan Gosling)—built on the easy chemistry between the two leads and their sheer commitment to the kind of movie they’re in. But while Chazelle frequently name-checks vintage movie history, it’s not because he’s claiming an equal place. This is a movie about the euphoria that beautiful, silly and, yes, romantic art can inspire in viewers, maybe the kind of movie that matters most in a time when cynicism feels easiest. (PG-13)—SR

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY BB.5 There is a moment in Rogue One when your heart will either do a little leap of glee, or your shoulders will slump in despair. The plot is essentially Episode III.5, following a band of Rebels as they attempt to steal the schematics for the Empire’s Death Star. Those new characters get just enough backstory to make them functional, while also making one wish every action sequence was just Donnie Yen being a badass. But while the battles are crisply staged and there’s some great, timely material about the sacrifices required to fight tyranny, the filmmakers can’t resist the most distracting kind of fan service. The ways this movie works to make sure it’s clear that yes, this is “A Star Wars Story” end up fighting with the ways in which it could have shown its own rebel spirit. (PG-13)—SR

more than just movies at brewvies

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BY B I L L F R O S T @bill_frost

TV Done Right 16 of the best shows of 2016.

N

o, they’re not all here; 2016 served up too much quality TV to contain in this space, and not all of them rise to the level of Year-End Best (too many other critical lists are surrendering space to Stranger Things, just sayin’). These 16 shows are binge-worthy alternatives to holiday family time—Merry Xmas!

Westworld (HBO)

This Westworld was smarter, sleeker and more terrifying than its 1973 origin flick, but also imbued the Wild-West park’s androids with a tragic “humanity” (Evan Rachel Wood and Thandie Newton for all of the awards). It also reminded us that actual flesh-and-blood humans are just the worst.

Veep (HBO)

Now more than ever, huh? Vice-president-turned-presidentturned-footnote Selina Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) suffered an exhausting political beating months before the rest of us did in 2016, but at least hers was funny (and had slightly more F-bombs). Forget Idiocracy—Veep is our republic’s true guide.

TV

expanded upon Breaking Bad, building its own pre-Heisenberg world. From hilarious to heartbreaking, Season 2 further transformed small-time Albuquerque lawyer Slippin’ Jimmy (Bob Odenkirk) into legal shark Saul Goodman.

Halt and Catch Fire (AMC)

Behind Saul, Halt and Catch Fire is AMC’s best drama, even if it doesn’t generate Walking Dead numbers. The ’80s-set computer-revolution saga moved to Silicon Valley in Season 3, amping the startup fireworks between Mackenzie Davis and Kerry Bishé, who overshadowed even Lee Pace(!)

Elliot (Rami Malek) and hacker group FSociety brought down E(vil) Corp at conclusion of Season 1, but it just caused more problems than it solved. Mr. Robot 2.0 was less buzzy, and trickier to follow, but it gave Elliot’s circle (especially Carly Chaikin and Portia Doubleday) space to shine.

Goliath (Amazon Prime)

Maria Bamford’s Lady Dynamite was a meta-comedy that did for bipolar disorder what BoJack Horseman did for depression and Jessica Jones did for PTSD: made entertaining, thoughtful art out of the usually “too heavy” to talk about.

Both way surreal and way real … Sounds good, feels right.

Quarry (Cinemax)

This overlooked, 1972-set crime-noir series is grittily crafted down to the most minute details, spun with jarring twists, and anchored by Logan Marshall-Green’s intense, mercurial performance as a reluctant hitman. It’s the Memphisbarbecued second season of True Detective you really wanted.

Better Call Saul (AMC)

The debut of Better Call Saul was a fantastic surprise that

Atlanta (FX)

Better Things (FX)

One of the rawest comedic TV portrayals of single motherhood ever, Pamela Adlon’s Better Things swung from sweet to sad to snarky with an assured precision that her creative partner, Louis C.K.’s Louie, never quite nailed. Subtle jabs at Holly wood’s treatment of women are just a bonus.

You’re the Worst (FXX)

The Only Anti-Rom-Com That Matters got back on track after some downer detours last year—which isn’t to say You’re the Worst didn’t take chances in Season 3. Gretchen (Aya Cash) and Jimmy (Chris Geere) might never work out, but it’s sweet (and profanely hilarious) to watch them fail.

Emmy Rossum, who’s played Shameless’ surrogate Gallagher mom Fiona for seven seasons now, recently got a pay bump to at least equal co-star William H. Macy’s. Coincidentally, she also turned in her best, most heartbreaking work this year. ’Merica isn’t Modern Family; it’s Shameless.

The Good Place (NBC)

Kristen Bell and Ted Danson are an unbeatable comic combo, and fears that afterlife sitcom The Good Place would be too weird for broadcast TV were apparently unfounded: It’s a (relative) NBC hit and, even better, the Jesus people are mightily offended by this inclusive version of “Heaven.”

Wynonna Earp (Syfy)

If you were somewhat disappointed with Syfy’s recent zero-fun heroine epic Van Helsing—I know I was was—look back a little further in 2016 for Wynonna Earp, a Buffy the Gunslinger supernatural series that star Melanie Scrofano tore up with quippy glee. Also: hot Doc Holliday!

Not Safe With Nikki Glaser (Comedy Central)

Nikki Glaser’s Not Safe was a sex-and-relationships talk show that combined intelligence, real information and filthy comedy that more than lived up to the show’s title.

So of course Comedy Central canceled it after 20 episodes to make room for more Tosh.0. For shame.

Listen to Frost Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96 Radio From Hell, and on the TV Tan podcast via Stitcher, iTunes, Google Play and BillFrost.tv.

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Lady Dynamite (Netflix)

Donald Glover’s Atlanta wasn’t what anyone expected. Something far more than a comedy (though there are hilarious moments) or a drama (ditto, heavy moments), it unfolded like an indie flick in no hurry to get any Big Moments, and depicted the flat-broke-and-black experience with unflinching detail.

Shameless (Showtime)

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BoJack Horseman (Netflix)

David E. Kelley and Billy Bob Thornton streamed a classic L.A. legal-noir drama that overpowered a middling plot with killer performances from Maria Bello, Molly Parker, Nina Arianda, Tania Raymonde, William Hurt and, of course, Thornton himself. Binge with a stiff drink or eight.

Animated series BoJack Horseman has always been about the aggressive shallowness of Hollywood and celebrity, but Season 3 went deeper and darker (and more experimental, re: a dialogue-free underwater episode) than ever before. It’s also funny as hell. OK, it’s everything as hell.

Westworld (HBO)

Mr. Robot (USA)

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fifth edition of Diabolical Records’ Bandemonium.

BY RANDY HARWARD rharward@cityweekly.net

A

dam Tye said that the Bandemonium drawing would be uneventful. Yet, Diabolical Records is fairly cramped, presumably with local musicians and nonmusicians anticipating the 10 p.m. a lotto that would match them into ephemeral fiveperson ad hoc bands for the fifth edition of the downtown record store’s popular semiannual show. And yet, as the show winds down, most everyone files out of the store, saying goodbye to Tye and his wife, Alana Boscan. When the shop is pretty much clear, I ask if it’s time to draw.

“We’ve already drawn,” Boscan says, nodding to the “Choosing Bucket,” a Tupperware-style container filled with names and numbers on folded sticky notes. “We did it during the show,” Tye says, punctuating the anti-climax with a what’d-I-tell-ya smile. Bandemonium. Woot.

Tye suggests adding dry ice to the bucket next time for dramatic effect. I propose dumping the sticky notes on the store’s turntable and letting centrifugal force decide; the first five names to fly off the deck? That’s a band. And so on. We try it for shits ’n’ gigs. The rotating felt turntable mat prevents any from flying off. But at 33.3 rpm, the yellow and orange papers on the hot pink mat make a satisfying swirly blur.

Done messing around for the time being, Tye lays the notes on the counter according to their groups. It’s different this year, he says. There are fewer recognizable local music names and more random, off-the-street participants. That’s part of the beauty of Bandemonium. As Tye puts it on the Diabolical Records Facebook event page, “YOU DO NOT NEED ANY MUSICAL ABILITY TO TAKE PART! Believe me, I have zero talent and have played twice.”

The fest’s first iteration was Bandemonium 1 in 2014. It being late December, Tye knew it would be tough to book bands to play in the store. So he improvised, figuring that at least some local musicians would be around and willing to play during that time.

The rules are simple: Once the names are drawn, the bands have two weeks to come up with a band name and a 10- to 15-minute set of original music to perform. That year saw 14 bands perform between 6-11 p.m.

Jeremy Devine plays in a ton of bands—’90s Television, The Nods, Hyrkanian and Sally Yoo. He dropped his name in the Bandemonium 1 bucket with some apprehension, and says he wasn’t the only one. “Everyone thought it sounded cool,” he says, “but we were unsure how everything would go down.” His band, Nobody, was a post-rock trio comprised of himself, Benjamin Kilbourne (Tavaputs) and Boscan’s non-musician brother Eric. “I remember wanting it to be perfect, but of course it never is—especially with something you’ve made in two weeks.”

Tye landed in a band with his missus on flute and keyboards, Madison Donnelly (Big Baby, Sculpture Club) on vocals and guitar, both Casey Hansen (Cult Leader) and Douglas Wood (no affiliation) on bass and drums, and Andy Cvar (Jackie-O Motherfucker) on guitar. Calling themselves KR▲TT▲RZZ, they played noise rock— the perfect genre for a non-musician like Tye. “I banged on a guitar and talked into a microphone. I was terrified. I wore sunglasses

RANDY HARWARD

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38 DECEMBER 22, 2016

CONCERT PREVIEW

Alana Boscan lets the turntable shuffle the Bandemonium entries. and kept my hair down in my face.”

Ultimately, he, Devine and the other participants had a blast.

Bandemonium became semi-annual, with a second go scheduled six months out. As word spread, participants came out en masse.

Fifteen new bands and one touring band, Downtown Boys (who were passing through), performed until 3:30 a.m. That’s not something Tye is keen to repeat. But again, it was good fun for everyone—especially the musicians and non-musicians who’ve wanted to play in bands, but didn’t have the time.

Devine, with all of his commitments, never plans on playing.

“Each time, I’m usually pressured to do it. But I get in there, anyway, and I always have a good time.” This go-around he almost got away clean; his name wasn’t even in the bucket the night of the drawing. “I almost took this year off,” he says. “But I felt bad. After doing it so many times before, I felt like I should be in all of them if I can.” For Bandemonium 5, he’s paired with Landon Young (Strong Words, Pet Library), Cisco Garcia (Burmese Python) Rhett Hansen (Dark Seas) and Koty Lopez (no affiliation). “We haven’t met yet, but we’re gonna meet soon.” As with past years, “I have no idea how it’s gonna go.”

But that’s why they call it Bandemonium: It’s random, it’s noisy and it’s fun. Tye continues to not practice an instrument, but plays every year. And they continue to attract non-musicians; Tye estimates, between all five Bandemoniums, that it’s been a 70 percent musician to 30 percent layperson mix. The vortex of personalities and visions adds to the unpredictability. As Devine puts it, “Anyone can collaborate, if you just try something without any preconceived notions.” CW

BANDEMONIUM

Friday, Dec. 23, 6 p.m.

Diabolical Records 238 S. Edison St., Salt Lake City 801-792-9204 $5 suggested donation (proceeds benefit the Oakland warehouse fire victims) Facebook.com/DiabolicalRecords

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T

he fire at Oakland art space Ghost Ship earlier this month radiated throughout the country, affecting many. It’s not necessary to have a personal connection to the victims; our humanity connects us. The mechanism and timing of the loss compound the heartbreak: We all dread losing loved ones, but it’s so much worse when it happens during the holiday season—a time when we’re focused on those relationships, and looking forward to seeing these people. This is sorrow times 36, and it spreads exponentially outward until we all can feel the pangs.

“I found out the following morning,” local musician Adam Klopp tells City Weekly via email. Although he lost no friends or relatives in the blaze, Klopp feels a kinship with them as a fellow human being. The rest of the day was “really bizarre” as he followed the news and awaited confirmation of the victims’ identities. “Initially, I read that there were nine confirmed deaths and a predicted 30-40. Meanwhile, people were passing around a foreboding Google doc containing a list of around 25 names of missing people. Everyone was trying to verify if their loved ones were safe.”

Klopp relates to the victims on another level—as a fellow creative, someone who toils in the arts for peanuts and, usually, little or no validation aside from that of his peers. Since communal workspaces like Ghost Ship are common in the local art scene, Klopp knows something like this could easily happen to him or someone close

HOME OF THE “SING OF FIRE” SALT LAKE’S HOTTEST KARAOKE COMPETITION

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Salt Lake City musicians band together to support victims of the Oakland warehouse fire.

SLC Ghost Ship Benefit Compilation cover art by Chaz Costello to him. “The DIY art/music community is such a tight network … locally and nationally,” he says. “Most of my musician friends knew at least one of the victims personally.”

One of them, 22-year-old Cash Askew, played in the dream-pop/goth band Them Are Us Too. The group performed in Salt Lake City three times in the past year—twice at Diabolical Records and once at Copper Palate Press—so Askew had made several friends and acquaintances in the SLC art and music community. Feeling the need to help the victims, Klopp asked Urban Lounge if he could donate the door receipts from his band Human Leather’s upcoming show to the relief fund. It was no problem, of course.

In addition, Klopp and his bandmate Chaz Costello rallied their music-scene peers to put together a benefit CD to raise even more money. The 15-song compilation is a 50/50 split of unreleased and previously released music by Human Leather, Klopp’s other band Choir Boy, Sculpture Club, Super 78, Baby Ghosts, Karl JØrgensen, Fossil Arms, Browser, Civil Lust, Bobo, Pet Library, Strong Words, Lauren Smith, Sam Burton and Dallin Kapp. Kapp had a closer connection to the fire. Through Klopp, he tells City Weekly his song, “I Would,” is “written for my ex-partner,” 29-year-old Nicole Siegrist, aka Denalda Renae, who perished in the fire.

At a time when it’s difficult to find the right words, Klopp says he didn’t really want to give the collection a title. He figures they’ll run with SLC Ghost Ship Benefit Compilation. As of press time, 50 physical CDs have been pressed. They planned to sell at the Human Leather show on Dec. 20, which also featured Civil Lust, Bobo and Karl JØrgensen. Any remaining copies will be posted for sale at DeliboyRecs.Bandcamp.com, along with a digital version.

Additionally, Diabolical Records announced that they will send all donations received for Bandemonium 5 to the victim relief fund. And, of course, further donations may be made directly to the Alameda County Disaster Relief Fund online at ACGov.org. CW

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THURSDAY 12.22

The Arvos, Spenny Relyea, Spirit Tribe, Baker Street Blues Band

One of the most encouraging things about new music is young bands continually studying traditional genres and musical forms to find inspiration for their own work. American Fork blues-rock quintet The Arvos sports an actual organ, someone who can blow a few blues licks on the mouth organ, and their love of ’60s-’70s music extends to blues, country, jazz and bluegrass. Spirit Tribe brings a Psych Lake City vibe with a blues undercurrent to their common stomping grounds at Kilby, so you might well call this Blues Night at Kilby Court. Baker Street Blues Band hails from Bountiful/Centerville, and it’s not the “Baker Street” of Gerry Rafferty (’70s radio reference, anyone?) or Sherlock Holmes, but these four musicians provide a few blues clues about what makes up the blues-rock recipe, including a touch of jazz and more than a smidgen of groove.

This time of year, they’ve also been known to throw a few Christmas tunes into the mix. Spenny Relyea seems to be a bit of an enigma, but he’s not from Kenny vs. Spenny (’00s Comedy Central reference, anyone?)

These acts seem to have the valley covered, blues-wise. (Brian Staker) Kilby Court, 741 S. 330 West, 7 p.m., $6, KilbyCourt.com

FRIDAY 12.23

Christmas Party feat. Gene Loves Jezebel, Rune, 5 State Killing Spree

So Gene Loves Jezebel singer Michael Aston gave Liquid Joe’s an audio message to post on their site advertising this performance by his version of the killer English gothrock band (his brother Jay fronts the U.K. iteration). In a buttery English accent, Aston says, “Hi, there. This is Michael Aston from Gene Loves Jezebel. We’re coming to Liquid

The Arvos

BOSSAGENCY.COM

CABARET

LIVE

Joe’s, Salt Lake City, on December 23rd. It’ll be our last show. We’re gonna play everything and anything you ever wanted to hear. We’re gonna have a wonderful time! So come on, join us. The celebration of the era. Best to ya, love ya, be there or be … not. At your loss. Smoooooch! That’s a big kiss.” Doesn’t that sound like they’re calling it quits and pulling out all the stops, including the one that keeps them from performing deep cuts and songs like “Jealous,” the Jay Aston-led version’s biggest hit? City Weekly asked GLJ’s booking agent about it. He says, “It’s their last performance of 2016.” A follow-up question attempting to clarify Aston’s “everything and anything” statement garnered this response: “I am on vacation with my family in Big Bear. I do not dictate what the artist performs, and we have no idea what the artist will perform.

We are simply their agent. Happy holidays.

Thank you.” Seems weird that a booking agent wouldn’t know the details of a band’s setlist. Or that his client is making ambiguous, confusing public statements. Or that being rude to a music journalist who’s simply trying to get his facts straight, through

Gene Loves Jezebel the only contact listed on his client’s website, might not be the best move. <Smoooooch!> (Randy Harward) Liquid Joe’s, 1249 E. 3300 South, 8 p.m., $14 in advance, $17 day of show, 21+, LiquidJoes.net

Lil Jon (DJ set)

There ain’t much “lil” about Lil Jon. He has an outsized stage personality to go with his boisterous-obnoxious crunk sound—which veered into EDM with the 2014 DJ Snake collab “Turn Down for What”—and gleaming grille. (Why haven’t rappers figured out that gold is yellow and, on teeth, it looks like plaque, which be waque?) He can play it cool, though. He actually comes off kinda smart in interviews, and seems pretty mellow. Even when Donald Trump repeatedly called him “Uncle Tom” on The Apprentice, Jon didn’t rage. Not even after Trump continued to use the term after Jon and his castmates explained its offensiveness. Jon, even when asked what he thought pre-elec-

Lil Jon

SLICK VELVETEENS BEACHMEN

JAN 06:

FREE KITTENS: A STAND-UP COMEDY

JAN 06:

DUBWISE W/ AMIT SHOEBOX

6:00PM DOORS FREE EARLYSHOW

HOBBZ ILLOOM

COMING SOON Jan 10: Stale Street Thingy Wingy Night 1 Jan 07: Strong Words Album Release Jan 10: Stale Street Thingy Wingy Night 2

GAMERSCORE BLOG

9PM DOORS LATE SHOW

HUNTER PAGE

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

| NEWS | A&E | DINING | CINEMA | MUSIC |

| CITY WEEKLY |

42 DECEMBER 22, 2016

PINKY’S THIS WEEK’S

COMPLETE LISTINGS ONLINE CITYWEEKLY.NET

WEDNESDAY 12.28

Koala Temple Reunion Show feat.

The Nods, Muzzle Tung

unique sound. Following a two-year hiatus after their Blue Milk album released on their Bandcamp page, the four find themselves in town reunited for a one-off gig—and it just might be one of the best shows of the year: a pre-New Year’s Eve party! They are joined by two bands who have taken up the mantle of filling the need for some kind of original local musical expression with just the right amount of eccentricity: garage punk act The Nods, who released a self-titled EP earlier this year, and experimental rock group Muzzle Tung, who sound like their sleep is interrupted by a soundtrack of PiL, Pere Ubu and The Fall running through a phaseshifter or a dripping faucet. Their album Administration (FCC Public Recordings) hit the streets last month. (BS) The Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East, 8 p.m., free, 21+, TheUrbanLoungeSLC.com

“ Electronic Stix presents “The

12 Days of Christmas!

Stop by every day from now until Christmas and get a special deal.“

4453 Commerce Dr - (801) 268-1600

SPORTS • FOOD • FUN SATURDAY & SUNDAY BRUNCH OPEN AT 10:30AM | $3 MIMOSAS ALL OF U OF U GAMES

BLACK SHEEP Bar & Grill

16 BEERS ON TAP

1520 W. 9000 S. WEST JORDAN | 801.566.2561 | THEBLACKSHEEPBARANDGRILL.COM

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

Koala Temple was a singularity in the local music scene, blending elements of different genres like psych, art punk, shoegazer and even a bit of Krautrock to create their own

Koala Temple

N U NES VS .

R O U SEY

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

tion of a Trump presidency, took the high road and said he was neutral. WTF, right?!

Why deprive us of the spectacle of a crunk rapper giving it to the Orange Menace with both barrels? That would’ve been … beautiful. Alas, sometimes we just don’t get what we want … like a new album. Right now, we’re just getting sporadic singles like 2014’s “Bend Ova” and “Take It Off” released this summer—plus this DJ set.

(RH) Park City Live, 427 Main, 8 p.m., $25-$50, 21+, ParkCityLive.net

FACEBOOK.COM/KOALATEMPLE

LIVE

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30 TH

CD’s, 45’s, Cassettes, Turntables & Speakers

Cash Paid for Resellable Vinyl, CD’s & Stereo Equipment

TUE – FRI 11AM TO 7PM • SAT 10AM TO 6PM • CLOSED SUN & MON LIKE US ON OR VISIT WWW.RANDYSRECORDS.COM • 801.532.4413

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 43

“UTAH’S LONGEST RUNNING INDIE RECORD STORE” SINCE 1978

| CITY WEEKLY |

RANDY'S RECORD SHOP VINYL RECORDS NEW & USED

BY JOSH SCHEUERMAN @scheuerman7

TAIN! CAPTAIN! CAP.o rg

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DEC 30TH THE PARTY TO REALY SAY “FUCK YOU 2016!”

NO COVER!

New Year’s Day

WE HAVE YOUR

HANGOVER CURE! OPEN AT 11AM

DEC 31 NEW YEARS EVE ST

$45/COUPLE STEAK & LOBSTER DINNER

SUNDAYS • THURSDAYS • SATURDAYS

WASATCH POKER TOUR @ 8PM BONUS: SAT @ 2PM

Weeknights monday

New Year’s Eve

PARTY WITH DJ CAM

THE FINGERS W/ DAVERSE & BAD DONKEY $7 SMITHTIX OR $10 DAY OF SHOW

OUR FAMOUS OPEN BLUES JAM WITH WEST TEMPLE TAILDRAGGERS

SHOT & A BEER SATURDAY

saturday, december 24

Natalie , Asia, Braxton Dutson

M O N DAYS

tuesday

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wednesday

THE TRIVIA FACTORY 7PM

YOU CAN’T WIN, IF YOU DON’T PLAY

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| CITY WEEKLY |

44 DECEMBER 22, 2016

HOME OF THE

Holiday hours

| NEWS | A&E | DINING | CINEMA | MUSIC |

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

SHOTS IN THE DARK

MONDAY - FRIDAY

F R I D AY S

$

10 brunch buffet

DJ RUDE BOY

SATURDAYS FROM 11AM-2PM $

12 sunday funday brunch $3 BLOODY MARYS & $3 MIMOSAS FROM 10AM-2PM

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801-532-7441 • HOURS: 11AM - 2AM

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STARTS @ 9PM

Katie Thompaon, Patrick Weeks, Jace Burbidge

7

BAD BOY BRIAN

DAYS REASONS

JOHNNYSONSECOND.COM

165 E 200 S SLC I 801.746.3334

FRIDAY 12.23

CONCERTS & CLUBS

CONDIE PAUL

Merry Blissmas Ugly Sweater Party feat. Royal Bliss, American Hitmen, Ginger & the Gents

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

WHISKEY & WINE TO WARM YOU UP!

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

FEELING CHILLY?

Salt Lake’s self-described “heartland rock” band Royal Bliss has a lot to celebrate this season, like the release of their sixth studio album, The Truth (Air Castle), earlier this year. With numbers co-written by notable songwriting duo Monty Powell and Anna Wilson, it made its mark on the CMT charts. Much of the remainder of the year found them touring on their new turn to a more countrified sound, including a number of LiveNation festivals and the local Royal Fest. The band wraps up a batch of Midwest dates with a return to their own venue, The Royal, on Christmas Eve Eve. It’s a fitting end to a banner year and a nice way to celebrate the conclusion of two decades paying their dues and working their way up the musical ladder—“Livin’ the Dream” as the single from The Truth proclaims. The Royal opens at 5 p.m. for dinner and you can guess the dress code—part of it, anyway. It says nothing about pants.

(Brian Staker) The Royal, 4760 S. 900 East, 7 p.m., $15 in advance, $18 day of show, 21+, TheRoyalSLC.com

12.28 KEVYN DERN

12.23 SUPERBUBBLE

12.29 THE OUBURG BROTHERS

12.26 OPEN BLUES JAM HOSTED BY ROBBY’S BLUES EXPLOSION

12.30 CROOK AND THE BLUFF

3200 E BIG COTTONWOOD RD. | 801.733.5567 THEHOGWALLOW.COM

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 45

12.22 MORGAN SNOW

| CITY WEEKLY |

SPIRITS • FOOD • GOOD COMPANY

CONCERTS & CLUBS

COMPLETE LISTINGS ONLINE @ CITYWEEKLY.NET

THURSDAY 12.22 CHECK OUT ALL OF OUR EVENT PHOTOS AT CITYWEEKLY.NET/PHOTOS

12.18.16 HOLIDAY DIVA’S BRUNCH

LIVE MUSIC

The Arvos + Spenny Relyea + Spirit Tribe + Baker Street Blues Band (Kilby Court) see p. 42 Johnny Love (The Royal) Delta Heavy (Sky SLC) DJ KiDMACHiNE + ARLOE (The Hotel and Club Elevate) Funkee Boss (Downstairs) Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre) Morgan Snow (The Hog Wallow Pub) Mountain Boogaloo (Garage on Beck) Racist Kramer + I’m A Monster + Fail To Follow + CJ Coop + Grayson Roylance + Matt Chiodo + James Peterson (The Urban Lounge)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

Dueling Pianos (The Spur Bar & Grill) DJ/VJ Birdman (Bourbon House) Jazz Jam Session (Sugar House Coffee) Therapy Thursdays feat. DJ Kidmachine + Arloe (Club Elevate) Reggae Thursday (The Royal)

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

| NEWS | A&E | DINING | CINEMA | MUSIC |

| CITY WEEKLY |

46 DECEMBER 22, 2016

CITY WEEKLY’S HOT LIST FOR THE WEEK

KARAOKE

Cowboy Karaoke (The Cabin) Karaoke (Willie’s Lounge) Live Band Karaoke with TIYB (Club 90)

FRIDAY 12.23 LIVE MUSIC

UPCOMING EVENTS 7

EVE SLC

DECEMBER 30-31

CITY WEEKLY’S UTAH BEER FESTIVAL LOUNGE

THE SALT PALACE

FEATURING BREWERS FROM THE UTAH BEER FESTIVAL

VIVA LA DIVA NYE SHOWS

DECEMBER 30-31

AT CLUB X

7:30PM

TICKETS AVAILABLE AT CITYWEEKLYSTORE.COM

Gene Loves Jezebel (Liquid Joe’s) see p. 42 Girrafula + 90s Television + Famous Relatives + Joseph M. Pedersen (Metro Music Hall) The Johnny Utah’s (Brewski’s) Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre) Lil Jon (Park City Live) see p. 42 Loren Walker Madsen & Friends (Garage on Beck) Metal Dogs (The Spur Bar & Grill)

Royal Bliss, American Hitmen, Ginger & the Gents (The Royal) see p. 45 Shanin Blake + Keyvin + Marny Proudfit + Doctor Barber + Josaleigh (Funk ‘n’ Dive) Superbubble (The Hog Wallow Pub) The Viceroys + Detective Deckard + Iceburgh (Kilby Court) VNDMG + Chris Wright + Sosay + DJUNYA (The Urban Lounge)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE DJ Dance Party (Club 90) DJ Dolph (Downstairs) DJ Juggy (Bourbon House) Open Mic (London Studios)

KARAOKE

Karaoke (Cheers to You SLC) Karaoke (Willie’s Lounge)

SATURDAY 12.24 LIVE MUSIC

Brisk (Downstairs) Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre) The Spazmatics (Liquid Joe’s) Tony O’s Agnostic Xmas Jam (The Spur Bar & Grill)

For Just $5, you can celebrate the New Year With LIVE MUSIC & loads of terrific PRIZES!!!

Join us Dec 31st,

NEW YEARS EVE With Special Guest

THE TIM DANIELS BAND Music starts at 8pm Fun goes till 2017 Open Everyday 11am till 1am Great Eats, Great Drinks, Great Music.

130 25th Street Ogden lighthouseogden.com

MONDAY & TUESDAY 12.26-27

CONCERTS & CLUBS

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

KARAOKE

Karaoke (Willie’s Lounge)

SUNDAY 12.25 LIVE MUSIC KARAOKE

Karaoke w/ DJ Benji (A Bar Named Sue on State) Karaoke (The Tavernacle) Superstar Karaoke w/ DJ Ducky (Club Jam)

MONDAY 12.26 LIVE MUSIC

The FundaMentals (The Spur Bar & Grill) Zoso (Egyptian Theatre) see above

KARAOKE

Bingo Karaoke (The Tavernacle)

LIVE MUSIC

Donner Pass (The Spur Bar & Grill) Joyce Manor + The Hotelier + Crying (Kilby Court) RS2090 + FEAL + 5Rabbits (The Urban Lounge)

JEFF SCHAD

KARAOKE

Karaoke w/ DJ Thom (A Bar Named Sue on State) Karaoke That Doesn’t Suck (Twist) Karaoke w/ Spotlight Entertainment (Keys on Main) Karaoke (The Tavernacle)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23RD

PEDESTRIANS RANDY’S BIRTHDAY PARTY 8PM | 21+

WEDNESDAY 12.28 LIVE MUSIC

Candy’s Riverhorse (The Spur Bar & Grill) Damnation Nation (Metro Music Hall) Kevyn Dern (Hog Wallow) Koala Temple, The Nods, Muzzle Tung (The Urban Lounge) see p. 43 Sales & Co. + Cat Ghost Formerly Known As Ghost Cat + Fairpark Twins + Queen Nation (Egyptian Theatre) Zolopht + Soulrise + From the Sun (Funk ‘n Dive)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Open Mic (Metro Bar) Open Mic (Muse Music) DJ Birdman (Twist) DJ Kurtis Strange (Willie’s Lounge)

KARAOKE

Areaoke (Area 51) Ultimate Karaoke (The Royal) Superstar Karaoke w/ DJ Ducky (Club Jam)

4242 S. STATE 801-265-9889

GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE at

GREAT

FOOD & DRINK

SPECIALS

is looking for editorial interns for the spring 2017 term.

Do you love media, want to be part of a thriving newsroom and have a desire to hone your writing chops? We’re on the hunt for hard workers to assist in the inputting of online events and writing of blurbs/articles for our award-winning weekly paper and daily website.

Requirements: • Be available 10-12 hours a week starting Wednesday, Jan. 4.

• An interest in pursuing journalism as a career is a must.

• As is a strong desire to add to City Weekly’s established, alternative voice.

• You think outside the box, know how to take direction and pay attention to detail.

• Ability to get along with others and keep your cool while working on deadline is non-negotiable.

Please send résumé and no more than three published pieces to elimon@cityweekly.net by Friday, Dec. 30.

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 47

TUESDAY 12.27

Open Mic (Alchemy Coffee) Open Mic (Barbary Coast) Open Mic (Bar Down Sports Bar and Grill) Open Mic (The Royal) Open Jazz Jam (Bourbon House)

| CITY WEEKLY |

Monday Night Blues Jam (The Royal) Open Blues Jam (The Hog Wallow Pub) Open Blues Jam (The Green Pig)

BIG REDD PROMOTIONS PRESENTS

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

Zoso (Egyptian Theatre) see above

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre)

“Let me get it back, baby, where I come from/ … Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Yes it has.”

Those lyrics from one of Led Zeppelin’s most defining songs were somewhat autobiographical when originally written. But in hindsight, they also foretold a time when Zep would opt out of their superstar status, albeit with some degree of remorse and nostalgia. Lucky for us, then, that ZoSo’s Ultimate Led Zeppelin Experience resurrects the audio and imagery of the band many insist was the best in the biz. While many tribute outfits merely mimic the music, ZoSo goes farther by capturing their look as well, giving audiences a taste of what it was like to witness Zep in their prime. Hailed by both the Los Angeles Times and the Chicago Sun-Times as offering the best homage bar none, ZoSo’s as close as it gets to the real deal. (Lee Zimmerman) The Egyptian Theatre, 328 Main, Park City, 8 p.m., $29-$50, EgyptianTheatreCompany.org

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

DJ Latu (The Green Pig) DJ Juggy (Bourbon House) Dueling Pianos (Funk ‘n’ Dive) Open Mic (Create Donuts) Open Mic (High Point Coffee) Open Mic (Kafeneio Coffeehouse)

ZoSo: The Led Zeppelin Experience

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

| CITY WEEKLY • ADULT |

48 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

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WEEKLY & SHARE YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS WITH CITY ING ISSUE GET A CHANCE TO BE FEATURED IN AN UPCOM TAG YOUR PHOTOS

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CROSSWORD PUZZLE

Š 2016

HE'S BA-ACK

BY DAVID LEVINSON WILK

ACROSS

| CITY WEEKLY |

DECEMBER 22, 2016

| 49

No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.

Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9.

Last weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s answers

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

1. Playtex products 2. Free speech advocacy grp.

3. Top secrets?

4. Shaw of 1930s-'40s swing 5. "Vivir Mi Vida" singer Anthony 6. Notion 7. World Cup highlight 8. On edge 9. Sports legend with a museum dedicated to him in Little Falls, New Jersey that boasts "We're open 'til we close"

of his works 52. Tempo 53. Like line jumpers 54. Grub 55. Morales of "Criminal Minds" 56. Passage blockers 57. Actors Robbins and Allen 58. Motel employee 59. No ifs, ____ or buts 60. Airline whose name is consecutive letters of the alphabet

SUDOKU

DOWN

10. "If it ____ broke ..."

11. Group of like-minded voters 12. "Little Women" woman 13. Citrus drink 21. Scott-Heron who wrote "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" 22. How-____ (books for handy types) 25. Ruling group after a coup 26. To date 27. "... or ____ thought" 28. Grant for filmmaking?

29. Neither this nor that 31. Reaction to a foot rub 32. One heavily invested in canines?

33. Love to pieces 34. Hands over 36. Like the fragrance of the corpse flower 37. Site with the option "Shop by category" 40. Fanatic 41. ____-Ida (frozen potato brand) 46. "And how!"

48. Bro or sis 50. Down Under greetings 51. Illustrator Edward whose last name is a homophone of an adjective that describes some

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

1. Outburst from Scrooge 4. Spanish girlfriend 9. Beginning of a Flintstones cry 14. Big name in electronics 15. Home inspector's concern 16. Like a smooth-running machine 17. His 2016 obituary in the New York Times featured the headline "Titan of Boxing and the 20th Century" 18. Reward for Fido 19. Thou 20. "Su-ure!"

23. Bake sale purchase 24. Age-determining stat.

25. Monopoly square with bars 27. HBO alternative 30. Northwest airport named for two cities 35. Walk all over 36. A FedEx driver may have one 38. ____ Island 39. "No-o!"

42. Prepare to drive a golf ball 43. "You could ____ pin drop!"

44. Uno + due 45. Available for breeding 47. Whiskey type 48. Spike Lee's "____ Gotta Have It" 49. Guest book, e.g.

51. Repeating film snippet online 52. "He's Ba-ack!"

60. Westernmost of the major Hawaiian islands 61. Light ____ 62. 007 creator Fleming 63. High-definition tube, for short 64. "I rock!"

65. Free (of) 66. Reagan attorney general Ed 67. Spacek of "Carrie" 68. NFL lengths: Abbr.

@cafeon1st

#CWCOMMUNITY

INSIDE / COMMUNITY BEAT PG. 50 INK PG. 51 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY PG. 53 UTAH JOB CENTER PG. 54 URBAN LIVING PG. 55 POETS CORNER PG. 55

Stretch It Out

Even under the best circumstances, the holidays are stressful. If you need to relax and unwind over the next few days, pop into We Are Yoga for a class or two. The inclusive, friendly yoga studio welcomes a diverse group of students ranging from children to seniors, and beginners to longtime practitioners, with a wide variety of classes that appeal to anyone looking to get their Zen on.

“I love the people of We Are Yoga,” studio director and co-owner Sarah Ricketts says.

“Our students come from varied backgrounds, industries and life experiences.”

Ricketts and her team have recruited a group of teachers that is just as diverse as their clientele and extremely passionate about expanding their knowledge.

“Our teachers are also students, attending class in addition to their normal teaching schedule,” she continues. “Many of our students also pursue their [yoga] teaching certification, which continues to build and strengthen our community.”

Ricketts is proud of the atmosphere they’ve created. “When I walk through the door, it makes me smile and reinforces

why I embarked on this journey,” she says.

Though the studio has been around for several years, she became co-owner a little more than two years ago.

Classes include basic yoga, vinyasa flows, children’s yoga, meditation and more. That variety means that the studio can accommodate many different schedules and different levels of experience—from the brand new client who has never even heard of “downward facing dog” to the experienced yogi who wants to learn how to teach. The number of classes also helps busy people find the time in a packed schedule.

“Plus, we have one of the best views of

the valley,” Ricketts says. “Depending on the time of year, students often get to enjoy spectacular sunsets over the Oquirrh Mountains while practicing yoga.”

The staffers love sharing their passion for fitness—both physical and emotional.

“Every time I come to work, I feel like I am home, and I always leave feeling better than when I arrived,” says Rachel Posner, a class instructor and the director of the studio’s teacher training program. “I feel supported, appreciated and nourished. …

What more could you ask for?”

We Are Yoga offers a wide variety of payment options, including single drop-

community@cityweekly.net

DENNIS MARCUS

send leads to

DENNIS MARCUS

T BEA DENNIS MARCUS

| COMMUNITY | | CITYWEEKLY.NET |

50 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

PHOTO OF THE WEEK BY

in rates, punch passes and unlimited memberships. They’re currently running a new student price promotion as well— unlimited classes for two weeks at $39, or unlimited classes for a full month at $69.

If you’re in need of any accessories, such as mats, bolsters, blocks, bags or clothing— check out the studio’s retail selection while you’re there. n

We Are Yoga

2645 Parleys Way , Ste. 100, Salt Lake City 801-419-0286 WeAreYogaSLC.com

Open Mon & Wed 4-8 pm Sat 10 am- 4 pm

FEATURED

Check out our website for extra holiday hours

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2148 S 900 E #3 SLC, UT I Open 9 a.m.-10 p.m.

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 51

use code: CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE IN THE INK40 for an additional 40% off certificates

1221 East 3300 South • SLC T (801) 486-6007 • F (801) 466-8840 www.BrickyardKennels.com

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THE DOG SHOW

1508 S. 1500 E. | (801) 466-6100

ALL THE NEWS THAT WONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T FIT IN PRINT

| COMMUNITY | | CITYWEEKLY.NET |

VIVINT.SMARTHOME

Long-long-long-read Interviews With Local Bands, Comedians, Artists, Podcasters, Fashionistas And Other Creators Of Cool Stuff Only On Cityweekly.net!

CITYWEEKLY.NET/UNDERGROUND

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY B Y R O B

B R E Z S N Y

Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes.

Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Capricorn writer Edgar Allan Poe has been an important cultural influence. His work appears on many “must-read” lists of 19th-century American literature. But during the time he was alive, his best-selling book was not his famous poem “The Raven,” nor his short story “The Gold-Bug,” nor his novel The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. Rather, it was The Conchologist’s First Book, a textbook about mollusk shells, which he didn’t actually write, but merely translated and edited.

If I’m reading the astrological omens correctly, 2017 will bring events to help ensure that your fate is different from Poe’s. I see the coming months as a time when your best talents will be seen and appreciated better than ever before.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) “My goal is to create a life that I don’t need a vacation from,” motivational author Rob Hill Sr. says. That’s an implausible dream for most people. But in 2017, it will be less implausible than it has ever been for you Aquarians. I don’t guarantee that it will happen. But there is a decent chance you’ll build a robust foundation for it, and thereby give yourself a head start that enables you to accomplish it by 2019.

Here’s a tip on how to arouse and cultivate your motivation: Set an intention to drum up and seek out benevolent “shocks” that expand your concepts of who you are and what your life is about.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Humans have drunk hot tea for over two millennia. Chinese emperors were enjoying it as far back as the second century B.C. And yet it wasn’t until the 20th century that anyone dreamed up the idea of enclosing tea leaves in convenient one-serving bags to be efficiently brewed. I foresee you either generating or stumbling upon comparable breakthroughs in 2017, Taurus. Long-running traditions or customs will undergo simple but dramatic transformations that streamline your life.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) For a bald eagle in flight, feathers are crucial in maintaining balance. If it inadvertently loses a feather on one wing, it will purposely shed a comparable feather on the other wing.

According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this strategy has metaphorical meaning for your life in 2017. Do you want to soar with maximum grace and power? Would you like to ascend and dive, explore and scout, with ease and exuberance? Learn from the eagle’s instinctual wisdom.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) In August 2012, a group of tourists visited the Eldgja volcanic region in Iceland. After a while, they noticed that a fellow traveler was missing. Guides organized a search party, which worked well into the night trying to track down the lost woman.

At 3 a.m., one of the searchers suddenly realized that she herself was the missing person everyone was looking for. The misunderstanding had occurred many hours earlier because she had slipped away to change her clothes, and no one recognized her in her new garb. This is a good teaching story for you to meditate on in 2017, Scorpio. I’d love to see you change so much that you’re almost unrecognizable. And I’d love to see you help people go searching for the new you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In 2017, you will be at the peak of your ability to forge new alliances and deepen existing alliances. You’ll have a sixth sense for cultivating professional connections that can serve your noble ambitions for years to come. I encourage you to be alert for new possibilities that might be both useful for your career and invigorating for your social life. The words “work” and “fun” will belong together! To achieve the best results, formulate a clear vision of the community and support system you want.

This is your Grandpa Daryl. I had to write and tell you that I am so proud of you grandson!

I see that sometimes you’re struggling in school, but I know you will get focused and be able to show everyone how smart and kind you are, and what a good listener you can be. There’s a great purpose and reason for you to be on this Earth and I’m excited to watch you grow and discover what that is. I love and watch over you every day. - be good to yourself and your mother - love me, Grandpa D

DECEMBER 22, 2016 | 53

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) “What you do is what counts and not what you had the intention of doing,” said Pablo Picasso. If I had to choose a single piece of advice to serve as your steady flame in 2017, it might be that quote. If you agree, I invite you to conduct this experiment: On the first day of each month, take a piece of paper and write down three key promises you’re making to yourself. Add a brief analysis of how well you have lived up to those promises in the previous four weeks. Then describe in strong language how you plan to better fulfill those promises in the coming four weeks.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The Economist magazine reports that if someone wanted to transport $10 million in bills, he or she would have to use eight briefcases. Sadly, after evaluating your astrological omens for 2017, I’ve determined that you won’t ever have a need for that many. If you find yourself in a situation where you must carry bundles of money from one place to another, one suitcase will always be sufficient. But I also want to note that a sizable stash of cash can fit into a single suitcase. And it’s not out of the question that such a scenario could transpire for you in the coming months. In fact, I foresee a better chance for you to get richer quicker than I’ve seen in years.

Gage Cooper ,

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ARIES (March 21-April 19) NPR’s Scott Simon interviewed jazz pianist and songwriter Robert Glasper, who has created nine albums, won a Grammy, and collaborated with a range of great musicians. Simon asked him if he had any frustrations—”grand ambitions” that people discouraged him from pursuing. Glasper said yes. He’d really like to compose and sing hiphop rhymes. But his band mates just won’t go along with him when he tries that stuff. I hope that Glasper, who’s an Aries, will read this horoscope and take heart from what I’m about to predict: In 2017, you might finally get a “Yes!” from people who have previously said “No!” to your grand ambitions.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) “Poetry is a way of knowledge, but most poetry tells us what we already know,” writes poet Charles Simic. I would say the same thing about a lot of art, theater, film, music and fiction: Too often it presents well-crafted repetitions of ideas we have heard before. In my astrological opinion, Leo, 2017 will be a time when you’ll need to rebel against that limitation. You will thrive by searching for sources that provide you with novel information and unique understandings. Simic says: “The poem I want to write is impossible: a stone that floats.” I say: Be on the lookout for stones that float.

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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) The birds known as winter wrens live in the Puget Sound area of Washington. They weigh barely half an ounce, and their plain brown coloring makes their appearance unremarkable. Yet they are the avian equivalents of the opera star Pavarotti. If they weighed as much as roosters, their call would be 10 times as strong as the rooster’s cock-a-doodle-doo. Their melodies are rich and complex; one song might have more than 300 notes.

When in peak form, the birds can unleash cascades at the rate of 36 notes per second. I propose that we make the winter wren your spirit animal in 2017, Pisces. To a casual observer, you might not look like you can generate so much virtuosity and lyrical power. But according to my analysis, you can.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) During the campaign for U.S. President in 1896, Democratic candidate William Jennings Bryan traveled 18,000 miles as he made speeches all over the country. But the Republican candidate, William McKinley, never left his hometown of Canton, Ohio. He urged people to visit him if they wanted to hear what he had to say. The strategy worked. The speeches he delivered from the front porch of his house drew 750,000 attendees and played an important role in his election. I recommend a comparable approach for you in the coming months, Cancerian. Invoke all your attractive power as you invite interested parties to come see you and deal with you on your home turf.

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54 | DECEMBER 22, 2016

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Poets Corner

DECE MBER DAN

December Dan has not a plan for the cold, all I know is the drink in his hand keeps him warm while he stands; and when he sits he is cold.

December Dan will open his eyes when the guy, telling lies wakes him in surprise.. he must move along now; before the people arrive.

Douglas Heinl Send your poem (max 15 lines), to: Poet’s Corner, City Weekly, 248 South Main Street, SLC, UT 84101 or e-mail to poetscorner@cityweekly.net.

Published entrants receive a $15 value gift from CW. Each entry must include name and mailing address.

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Osh Begosh

In 1976, I was accepted into the University of Utah. My dream was to become a medical doctor. I was lucky to get into student housing on campus, but I also pledged a sorority (our family tradition). Unfortunately in 1976, no sorority at the U was accepting any trans-looking LGBTQ person. I didn’t have the clothes, hair or desire to dress up for formal tea parties, and wear white gloves at the different meet-and-greets. After a week of feeling like I was cast in an early version of Scream Queens, I went about my business focusing on school. And, no, I didn’t get any invitations to join any sorority after rush week was over. Most of my first classes during that fall semester were in Orson Spencer Hall just south of the Student Union Building. I couldn’t handle the huge campus and eventually transferred to Westminster.

OSH, as it was called back then, was already an older building on campus, built in 1955 and named after Orson Spencer—the first chancellor of the University of Deseret (which became the U of U). An Easterner, Spencer had graduated from Union College in 1824 in New York and took a teaching job in Georgia, where he joined the Baptist Church and became a pastor. He went back to New York to get his preaching credentials from Colgate University and then led three different congregations throughout New England between 1829-1841. His brother introduced him to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and Spencer converted to Mormonism. He served as president of the British Mission, and was an editor and publisher for the church when he moved to Utah. He went on many missions, including one to the Cherokee Nation, where he contracted malaria and then died in 1855. He had six wives and was the father of Aurelia Rogers, who founded the LDS Primary for children.

When it was built, OSH was known for being the least expensive and having the best use of materials compared to other buildings on campus. But the poor old thing aged quite badly over the past 61 years. The lighting was poor, electrical outlets were almost nonexistent and cracks riddled the walls. The building has since been torn down to be replaced by the Carolyn and Kem Gardner Building to house many different colleges and departments. The sweet part of this new story is that the Gardners met at the U and later married. She became a school teacher and he became a successful real estate mogul.

They’ve donated $10 million of the estimated $68 million in building costs. The new OSH is scheduled to open in the fall of 2018. n Content is prepared expressly for Community and is not endorsed by City Weekly staff.

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