City Weekly March 30, 2017

C I T Y W E E K LY. N E T

As media interest fizzles, Standing Rock battle continues.

By Max Mogren

MARCH 30, 2017 | VOL. 33

N 0 . 47

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CWCONTENTS COVER STORY LAST STAND

Mainstream media has lost interest, but the fight at Standing Rock is far from over.

Cover photo by Weston Bury

19

CONTRIBUTOR

4 LETTERS 6 OPINION 8 NEWS 14 A&E 23 DINE 29 CINEMA 31 TRUE TV 32 MUSIC 43 COMMUNITY

MAX MOGREN

Cover story, p. 19 An avid van enthusiast, Mogren packed up one in his fleet (later dubbed “War Pony” by one of his subjects), and headed to the Dakotas twice during the #NoDAPL standoff. Admitting the 1997 Chevy Astro came back in a state of disrepair, he plans on replacing its rear axle and a bent differential this spring.

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Holladay residents ‘appalled’ over removal of historic trees. facebook.com/slcweekly

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SOAP BOX

COMMENTS@CITYWEEKLY.NET @SLCWEEKLY

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Opinion, March 16, “Shamrock Surprise”

Mr. Rosenzweig, I enjoyed your article on Irish culture. While it is never correct, as you pointed out, to refer to the day as “St. Patty’s,” the abbreviation of St. Paddy, however, is accurate, as the Gaelic for Patrick is Padraic.

JOHN PAUL BROPHY, Salt Lake City

News, March 16, “Pet Sounds” This is just so wrong.

LINDA PORTER Via Facebook

Cripes … I have a neighbor behind me [whose] dog barks 24-7. Called cops, [Humane Society], nothing gets done.

@PRPLHLMT44 Via Twitter

I love dogs (mine is the most wonderful dog made), but I’ve had craptastic neighbors who don’t take care of their dogs. This lady has had multiple encounters and she didn’t take care of it. Don’t feel too bad.

BETH ANNE Via Facebook

Having been subjected to numerous barking dogs over the years, I have no sympathy for dog owners in these cases. You do not leave dogs outside for hours if they bark and disturb people. You let them outside or walk them when necessary. I know so many good, responsible pet owners whose dogs are pets and stay indoors where they belong.

CAROL LINDSAY Via Facebook

We love animals so much, we can raise over $56,000 for an abused cat, but if your dog barks, that’s going too far and they need to be taken away? LMAO. She’s an elderly lady who wants her dogs; let her have them! If people are so concerned, offer assistance instead of police. The time and money spent in court could have easily been used to help train the dogs.

SONYA RUIZ Via Facebook

I just want to elaborate on their description of “dogs barking.” Both of their pets are really energetic animals that need to be loved, trained and kept active. They do maybe one of the three. Dogs barking every day from sunrise to 1 a.m. are being ignored and are not pets.

I live in the neighborhood, and while I never filed a complaint, I do feel sorry for the people living next door. That being said, I hope they start training the pets and no one ends up in jail.

BEN MONTGOMERY Via Facebook

Screw neighbors like this. Special circle in hell for them.

MICHELLE GARCIA Via Facebook

If a barking dog tests your sanity, you are a weak-willed individual with no place in normal society. Do not have children; they are more insistent than a barking dog. In fact, go to a nunnery; you might not be in an area with dogs there.

TRAVIS BURLISON Via Facebook

She doesn’t need to be tossed in jail. But she doesn’t deserve to get her dogs back if she neglects them to the point where all they do is stay outside and bark.

RICHARD HUMBERG Via Facebook

Typical response from the Gestapo of SLC.

CHRIS NIELSEN Via Facebook

The Ocho, March 16, “Statewide Kilting Spree”

Utah is the wowest state in the nation. Living here with Mormon government is ridiculous. They have no idea what’s happening in this world. The fact that [they] send kids into countries where they could be killed for their own benefit is ridiculous. In the name of God, I guess. This is why they get to go to the highest kingdom. Right there with the Muslims.

COREY HILDEBRAND Via Facebook

Blog post, March 23, “Gov. Herbert announces he plans to sign controversial .05 DUI bill” Utah: “Life Regulated.”

JEREMY CHRISTIANSEN Via Facebook Yet they don’t want the feds telling them what to do. Hypocrites!

MARJORIE RUSSETT BASKERVILLE Via Facebook

America: Don’t bother visiting Utah. If [the] governor signs [this] bill, one drink with dinner and you’re toast!

@STEPHANIERIPLE6 Via Twitter

Calvin Rampton and Scott Matheson (hell, even J. Bracken Lee) are once again rolling in their graves over the utter stupidity of our current governor.

JIM BUNNELL Via Facebook

Someone spike his Sprite.

IRIS NIELSEN Via Facebook

This will pad the pockets of defense attorneys who will be installing more billboards along Utah highways. I am a non-drinker (mostly) but I don’t feel it is right to impugn those who drink responsibly; .08 was appropriate. Herbert is an idiot stooge.

JOHN MCCLELLAN Via Facebook

He thinks he will gain revenue on DUIs, but in reality he will be losing so much more revenue on tourism. No one wants to go on vacation where they cannot even drink a glass of wine without getting a DUI … or for that matter use mouthwash or cologne.

JANIS WALTON Via Facebook

Here is how you get zero fatalities: Pull over traffic impeders, distracted drivers, tailgaters—pull over those who are being reckless. Driving drunk is not the only reason fatalities happen. This is about money, not safety.

STEPHANIE MCCAULEY Via Facebook

I drive from Tooele to SLC every single day.

I can count on one hand how many times I have driven without someone on my ass or someone going 65 in the left lane on a road with a 75 mph limit.

STEPHANIE MCCAULEY Via Facebook

This bill was passed for special interests revenue and in no way will have an effect on a zero fatalities goal, which is pure fantasy. Why don’t they have a goal to increase safety and reduce fatalities? Instead, they live in a world of deceiving the public with fantasy goals and impossible laws.

WALT REYNOLDS Via Facebook

Public safety my ass. It’s about the church and $$$.

MATTHEW BURNS Via Facebook

I actually agree with the most liberal rag in the country! Well isn’t that something.

SCOTT ARNOLD Via Facebook

Blog post, March 24, “Holladay residents ‘appalled’ over removal of historic trees”

How else would our douche of a governor see who’s watching porn if we don’t cut down all the trees?

BRYAN JAMES MILLER Via Facebook

So you can chop down legacy trees from your yard that contribute to the general foliage of the area because it’s private property, but if they built a giant permanent water slide on their front lawn, then that’s different some-

how? They have to get permission to do that, supposedly. I’m pretty sure only a rich sociopath would buy a lot and immediately have all the trees chopped down like that without consideration for the general area.

MATT MORRIS Via Facebook

We deserve more

Health is a basic life function. Either one is in poor health, good health or somewhere in between. It impacts every aspect of our lives, including our freedom. We have struggled and are divided as a country on what care, if any, we are obligated to provide as a civilized society regarding health for our citizens and how it should be delivered. We live in a democracy where we elect officials to create laws and policies to guide our society to help us continue to be the greatest country in the world.

The “bucket” called health care is messy, complicated and emotionally loaded—not to mention the huge dollars involved and stakeholders invested in their own interests. America is the greatest Country in the world, and it is not in our nature, nor is it one of our core values, to sit back and watch something “explode” that we knowingly and collectively agree is not working at its best. I can’t stand by without having a voice when millions of my fellow Americans will be or will continue to be negatively impacted but the “status quo.”

The Affordable Care Act has problems. I think the country is united on that fact. It was the 1.0 version of health care reform.

How about we work on the 2.0 version instead of watching its demise? I volunteer to help. I’m a nobody! I’m a Harvard-trained primary care physician with a master’s in public health administration, and I started and run a solution-based health care company that lowers the cost of health care while at the same time improving longterm health. I’ve got the 10,000 hours to be considered a content expert. I’m not owned by special interest groups, Big Pharma or the health care industry. I believe in the Power of One, and this is me standing up to say it’s time to save health care from the bottom up rather than the top down.

Mr. President and Congress, please let me and people like me help solve this puzzle and come up with a 2.0 solution that benefits all involved with fairness and compassion.

DONNA L. MILAVETZ, MD, Ogden

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PRIVATE EY

.05 Guide

O

ur annual City Guide hits the streets this week. We first published it in 2002, just in time for Utah’s Winter Olympic Games. It turned out to be a hit, so we’ve kept doing it. Each year our lives change, our favorite places to visit change. And each year our able editorial staff, plus a bevy of independent writers, photographers and illustrators remind us of all the great reasons to live and play in Utah.

Each of our City Guides has had a pretty memorable cover image that helps trigger the innards. This year, however, the game went to a new level with a cover to beat all—a veritable passport for the ages, a blue and gold invite to partake of all that’s inside. You never know what a concept will look like until it’s finished, and this year I wondered if it would work. But when I saw the first issues a couple of days ago, I knew right away this year’s guide would be another big hit.

So, thanks to everyone involved. Every City Weekly department excelled, and for a print industry so plagued with real and fake news about its well-being, it feels good to break sales records and watch people turn and touch the pages like they will never do on their so-called smartphones. Print is not dead. What is dead are the brain cells of people who substitute pixels for paragraphs.

Our 2017 City Guide is more alive, coverto-cover, than a mobile device will ever be.

It will stay on topic longer, it will trigger your senses, it’ll make you want to eat all those cheap eats on pages 60 and 61—then eat some more. You’ll also want to break out the pedal bike with our cocktail guide in tow, just in case you want a michelada somewhere along the Bonneville Shoreline Trail.

Hearty thanks to the ingenuity and brilliant art design by both Editor Enrique Limón and Art Director Derek Carlisle.

They are quite the tandem.

There’s just one negative in the whole

thing: There are many restaurant and club advertisers in this year’s City Guide (I implore you readers to support them all as they sustain the free press in Utah. Choose our advertisers first and often). However, just as the hospitality industry emerges from years of red-headed step-child treatment, the Utah Legislature once again slaps them down. It’s like they want to kill our club and restaurant industries once and for all.

You’re likely aware of three new bullshit items that passed the Legislature this year: the legal limit for a drunk driving conviction was lowered from .08 to .05 BAC, the completely stupid and ineffective Zion Curtain will gradually be replaced (in most cases) with an equally stupid Zion Moat (I prefer the term “Mormon Moat”; Please adopt that as the standard), and yet another robbery on liquor sales will raise taxes by about 2 percent. It’s the last one that matters most to our Legislature: money. They just mask their intent with crazy stuff (walls, moats, ID checks, name tags) to make them feel better about the betrayal and knee-capping they just committed.

It’s been said before and must be said again: These legislators know little about liquor or the people who consume it. We are all evil in their eyes. A drinker is a drunk.

My first byline ever was under a letter to the editor of The Salt Lake Tribune in the mid-1970s. At the time, I was a bartender at Club 39 near where St. Mark’s Hospital now stands at 1200 E. 3900 South. I and a dear friend, Lynn Hachmeister (RIP), a waitress, sat down and wrote about whatever was the stupid law du jour of the time.

I believe it was about Utah mandating that mixed drinks be poured from mini-bottles and how they caused people to become falldown drunk. At 1.7 ounces, mini bottles produced a potent drink, but when people

STAFF BOX

B Y J O H N S A LTA S @johnsaltas

ordered a double, you had to give them two mini-bottles’ worth. Utah was encouraging over-consumption in the name of liquor control.

See, it’s always about control. Mini bottles were easy to count. They had control, because if the liquor count was off, a club could be closed. Closing a bar made the state look tough on liquor, but it wasn’t. As always, it was about diversion—while we cringe at .05 or bitch about the Mormon Moat, we pay higher liquor taxes, which was/is what it’s all about. Checking grandma’s ID at the door? That’s just to keep you annoyed. It does nothing. The moat? As long as there is Google, the moat is legislative masturbation.

It is always about control. Never forget that. Not safety; control. It’s not about safer highways. You know that because we all have heard horrifying stories about the six-time DUI offender who blew 2.1 BAC after killing somebody in a 3 a.m. car accident. If the state wanted drunk drivers off the road, it would attack the drunk drivers—not casual drinkers. It would get out of the liquor business. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) would have more than 10 members. No need to even mention smartphone- or milkshakedistracted drivers until they, like drinkers, can be taken to the cleaners on taxes. Only then will the state consider them a risk on par with drinkers.

Forty years after that letter to the editor, little has changed, really. Sure, the mini bottles are gone and drinks are delivered to restaurant tables. That’s just for show.

The Utah Legislature will never change.

When they want to squash you, like a fly beneath a rolled-up City Guide, keep your senses. Don’t whack flies. Whack the Legislature instead. CW

THESE LEGISLATORS KNOW LITTLE ABOUT LIQUOR OR THE PEOPLE WHO CONSUME IT.

Send feedback to comments@cityweekly.net

Readers can comment at cityweekly.net

Our annual City Guide is out! What’s your favorite part about living in SLC? Enrique Limón: Explaining our archaic liquor laws to out-of-state visitors, and then acting like it’s completely normal and they’re the weird ones.

Paula Saltas: Giving directions is easy in Salt Lake. Turn left at the ward house, turn right at the 7-Eleven, left again at the stake house (not to be confused with a steak house).

Jeremiah Smith: My favorite thing about living in SLC is the week of spring we get at the beginning of April.

Scott Renshaw: That it’s a beautiful place where a human being can actually afford to live as a writer and not starve.

Brian Plummer: I love the great hockey programs the city offers. And let’s not forget the Grizzlies.

Andrea Harvey: I lived in Portland almost my entire life before I moved here, so it was a huge change. It has worked wonders on broadening my horizons in every sense of the term, and I never expected to love that as much as I do.

Pete Saltas: I like showing out-of-town friends that SLC is a really cool place to live. Then, I flip the script and make fun of them for living elsewhere.

David Miller: For me, it has one feature that truly sets it apart: the Wasatch, our own private corner of the Rockies a half-hour from the city, providing us with all the recreation anyone could ask for. World class hiking, skiing and climbing keep me entertained year-round, and I don’t see myself getting bored anytime soon.

Randy Harward: Affected wholesomeness and Pie & Beer Day.

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MARCH 30, 2017 | 7

HITS&MISSES

BY KATHARINE BIELE

RANDOM QUESTIONS, SURPRISING ANSWERS

@kathybiele

Safe and Sorry

Yes, we know it’s about safety. So much safety. This is why the governor ignored the public—you know, the people who just don’t understand how important safety is, and who apparently will take any opportunity to get blitzed on an evil glass of wine over dinner. We don’t have to worry about brunch drinking. That’s not allowed until 11:30, when you’re pretty much finished. A poll by The Salt Lake Tribune and the Hinckley Institute showed Utahns evenly divided on the .05-percent DUI limit, although the main support came from very active Mormons—the ones who only drink Coke. No legislation dealt with other distracted driving issues—the ones that are proven to be unsafe. Another poll showed that 60 percent of voters opposed the law allowing 18-year-olds concealed carry permits.

Never mind. Gov. Gary Herbert OK’d both laws. They’re about safety, you know.

Gold Stars

Pick It Up at Welcome Centers, Restaurants, Libraries, Colleges, Universities and more!

When you’re so used to losing, winning sometimes seems like a gift from God. But before you start celebrating, take a look at the reasons you won. Yipee, the governor vetoed the law that would have removed the requirement to appoint at least some Democrats to dozens of state boards and commissions. Give Sen. Mike Lee, R-Utah, a gold star. He stood firm against the GOP’s ghost of health care reform. But wait: Neither of these is cause for celebration. Herbert, the Tribune notes, was the guy who asked for the bill on boards. And Lee, it turns out, wants a full repeal of the health care law and all of its regulations. Don’t call it dead yet. Rep. Rob Bishop, R-Utah, knows all these people who’ve lost their jobs because of the Affordable Care Act, he told the Deseret News. He apparently doesn’t know any of the people whose lives were saved.

Helping the Homeless

While the news has been all about the storm around siting homeless facilities in Salt Lake County (see p. 12), a sleeper group slipped into the mix with barely a whimper of dissent. The Armstrong Mansion—once a bed and breakfast barely a few miles from Temple Square— will be used by The Other Side Academy, a privately funded “therapeutic community” whose mission is to help “criminals, homeless and substance abusers change their lives, free of charge,” according to its website. And their conditional use permit lets them do that in a historic Queen Anne-style home. “We no longer live in a world where you have to have friends, connections or money to get what you need to change your life.”

Let’s hope that’s true.

STAN ROSENZWEIG

OUT NOW!

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FIVE SPOT

What could beat having a retired U.S. Navy nuclear submarine missile technician as your teacher?

If you took a science or art class at Valley Junior High or Wasatch Junior High prior to 2003, there’s a good chance that you scored Mr. Reynold D. Willie as your teacher.

How did you get to be a submarine missile technician?

After Brighton High School, I joined the Navy for a seven-year stint. There, I learned enough about nuclear physics in classrooms and through correspondence courses to be able to teach it to other sailors aboard.

And that got you interested in teaching?

When I got out, I went to the University of Utah, majoring in history and minoring in art.

Then I got a master’s in geography and became certified in teaching secondary education. I really enjoyed spending the next 26 years teaching science and art at Valley Junior High and Wasatch Junior High. I became chairman of the art department at Wasatch until the State Legislature started reducing funding for electives, especially for art studies.

They passed legislation restricting teaching to those with majors in each subject and, of course, I only had a minor in art. I could stay and teach history, but not after working with motivated kids, especially the eight years I taught art to those in the gifted program.

With legislative wisdom, they offered experienced teachers early retirement bonuses. So, I used that bonus, and a small bit extra, to accept something else they offered. They let me ‘buy’ four more years of teaching, boosting my 26 years to the 30 years needed for full retirement.

Sounds like legislators really messed up.

My beef with the Legislature was that they cut back funding for electives beyond art. They cut funding for trade skill shop classes like metalworking and woodworking, instead of helping kids who want good-paying trade jobs. Now we have a shortage of craft skills.

What do you do now?

During my teaching career, I served 17 years in the Utah Air National Guard and—20 years ago while still teaching—I joined the Fort Douglas Military Museum Association as a docent. I like being able to train visiting teachers about military history. I am trained in how best to access and display military items and I also am a trained curator. I have become the Fort Douglas Military Museum volunteer photographer.

Sounds like a happy life.

It has been a fulfilling career. I only wish I could have continued to teach art a little longer. I visited the Legislature when they were cutting electives and invited them to sit in on an elective class to see what’s going on and talk with the students, but not one of them ever came.

—STAN ROSENZWEIG comments@cityweekly.net

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STRAIGHT DOPE A TP Tale

BY CECIL ADAMS

SLUG SIGNORINO

The Science of Brewing...

When and why did humans start wiping or manually cleaning themselves post-defecation, since animals generally don’t do this?

—Roger

1200 S State St. 801-531-8182 / beernut.com www.facebook.com/thebeernut

Beer & Wine brewing supplies

Hours: Sun 10-5pm M-Sat 10am-6:30pm

Many of humanity’s greatest pioneers— Newton, Edison, Rubik—have been fortunate enough to achieve household-name status for their groundbreaking work. Others, unluckier but no less visionary, must necessarily remain unknown. Sadly, we’ll never ID the first human to slide a digit or foreign object between the buttocks after doing No. 2, just as we’ll never locate the first person who decided it was a good idea to wash up afterward. But we can figure out roughly when evolution would have made it necessary for our ancestors to develop a species-appropriate method of anal cleansing.

As you say, animals in general don’t make a habit of wiping after defecation—limbwise, few are up to the task anyway. Birds and fish would seem to lack means, motive or both. Some mammals, it’s true, do clean themselves when necessary—think of your cat licking itself. (Maybe don’t think about it too long, though.) Only the most flexible hominids would be able to pull off that grooming trick, and the rest of us, I’d imagine, aren’t generally envious. Nor does it seem appealing to follow the lead of those species that occasionally drag their rumps along the ground to tidy up down below. (If you notice your dog engaging in such behavior, that’s more likely an attempt to relieve fluid buildup in the anal glands than some canine stab at hygiene.)

Our pressing need to wipe is the result of a significant anatomical difference separating us from the rest of creation. You and I might be so used to having them that we don’t think of our uniquely fatty, muscular posteriors as an evolutionary development that makes us stand out as humans— or, more precisely, stand up. Considered strictly as an adaptation, the glutes certainly don’t get all the good press that, say, the opposable thumb does. Nonetheless, the development of a stronger set of gluteal muscles was a major leap forward in enabling us to become an exclusively bipedal species.

It didn’t happen all at once—Australopithecus was strolling around upright nearly 4 million years ago with a body more akin to an ape’s than to ours. But eventually, between 1 and 2 million years ago, those of us who had sturdier hips and stronger muscles supporting them began to outrace our peers and our predators. The evolutionary advantage of the thickened layers of fat that cushion the glutes is less evident—some scientists speculate they offered a reserve that could be burned off for energy when food grew scarce.

Essential as they proved to be, butts came with issues. Our anal cavity was now tucked away within two mounds of flesh.

From our present-day acculturated vantage point, this might seem like an obvious

improvement, helping to keep the anus out of sight and mind. But for prehistoric folks it created a hazard that our animal friends, what with their exposed bungholes, rarely faced: Fecal residue might linger in there, and the accumulation of bacteria in so moist a locale could cause infection. Women were especially vulnerable, given the proximity of the exposed vagina and urethra.

So one of these buttock-equipped humans—named by science Homo erectus, after their default posture—was probably the first wiper. Some rectal discomfort must have inspired this innovator to impulsively run a finger or two through the crevice and (ideally) wipe the accumulated crud off somewhere. H. erectus didn’t stand on formalities, after all. Perhaps, over time, those who engaged in the habit prospered, and taught their offspring to do likewise.

Nobody said evolution was pretty.

As human culture progressed, of course, taboos and rituals developed around our eliminatory regimens, some apparently rooted in prudence, others in disgust.

By the time of Deuteronomy, divinely ordained pooping instructions had been set forth, enjoining the Israelites to scoot out of camp before doing their business and bring a little shovel along to cover up the evidence. At length, toilet paper enters the picture—though as I mentioned in a TP column way back in 1986, folks were ripping pages out of the Sears Roebuck catalog before softer tissue became more widely available. Even today, many cultures prefer the gentle cleansing of the bidet, as we discussed at some length last year when someone wondered if wiping was necessary at all.

Bear in mind that our ancestors might not have needed to wipe as vigorously or diligently as we do. Their diet, however omnivorous and haphazard, lacked the modern poisons that gunk-up our GI tracts—Cheetos and Twinkies were hard to come by in paleolithic times, you know. And toilet use hadn’t yet trained them to relieve their bowels in an unnatural seated position. Squatting in the woods not only puts less strain on the system (possibly making squatters less prone to hemorrhoids) but allows smoother fecal passage, alleviating some of the need to wipe. Homo erectus had more to teach us, it seems, if we’d only been wise enough to listen. n

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The esteemed senior senator has not yet RSVP’d to this expectant constituent event, but his constituents plan to be there anyway. You should plan ahead, as there might be multiple opportunities to interface with the Utah delegation as the politicians head home (theoretically) for the two-week April congressional recess. After all that hard work destroying health care, they need a break. Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, though, has received multiple invitations to host or attend public meetings and ignored them all. Permits are still being secured for this April Recess Rally, but the plan is to bring bagels and OJ, just in case he turns up. Wallace Bennett Federal Building, 125 S. State, Saturday, April 8, 11 a.m.-2 p.m., bit.ly/2nZqQJP

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6. “83 Is the New 75.”

5. “As Conservative as You Want Him to Be.”

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“What Has Thinking Ever Solved, Utah?”

1. “He’ll Die Working for You. Literally.”

MARCH 30, 2017 | 11

—KATHARINE BIELE

7. “To Regularity and Beyond!”

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Update: Congressman Chris Stewart’s town hall has been postponed to Friday, March 31, at 7 p.m., so he could be in D.C. for the American Health Care Act vote.

The venue is still West High School.

Than You Were 40 Years Ago?”

Sponsored by a self-professed “nervy bunch of liberals and conservatives,” Birds + Bees: Protecting and Educating Kids in a Sexualized America, offers dialogue and disagreement in an effort to bridge the ideological divide. No matter your views on sexting, sex-ed or Barbie dolls, you can attempt a civil conversation—and maybe learn something.

The evening includes a light dinner, a panel discussion and the opportunity for you to cultivate the art of respectful listening and speaking among small groups of previously unknown friends. It’s free but fills up quickly. Provo City Council Chambers, (mezzanine level), 351 W. Center St., Provo, 850-264-8785, Friday, March 31, 5:45-8:30 p.m., free, registration required, bit.ly/2nfkQg4

8. “Are You Better Off Now

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Eight campaign slogans for Sen. Orrin Hatch’s run for an eighth term:

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If you’re sick of the victim-blaming, grab a banner and march to Take Back the Night in solidarity with sexual assault survivors to reclaim public places as safe places. Wear teal for sexual assault awareness—T-shirts are provided on a first come, first served basis. Sponsored by the Westminster Chapter of Students for Choice, the march runs from the University of Utah to Westminster College, with a shuttle for accessibility purposes. Hot drinks and treats are available during a talk by ACLU of Utah’s Anna Thomas. University of Utah, 201 Presidents Circle, Wednesday, April 5, 5-8 p.m., bit.ly/2n1UAoF

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Give Them Shelter

Salt Lake County aims, struggles to learn from SLC’s homeless facilities debacle.

BY DYLAN WOOLF HARRIS dwharris@cityweekly.net @DylantheHarris

F

or a moment, at the center of a huddle, questions were foisted upon Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams faster than he could dish out responses. Inside the Utah Cultural Celebration Center on March 21, residents of West Valley City and South Salt Lake had circled around the mayor and demanded to know, for example, whether he would tolerate homeless folks milling about in his neighborhood, why the southern end of the valley didn’t have a shelter and whose tax dollars were at stake.

It was an informal county-hosted open house regarding the proposed site for a new homeless shelter. Ten days earlier, the county revealed five addresses under consideration, but only one would be picked. Per a state timeline, they had nearly until the end of the month to suggest which spot would serve as the new location.

Leading up to that deadline, McAdams and his staff called for public input, and residents, such as those gathered at the community center, didn’t hold back.

The place was packed. The mood was acerbic. McAdams looked tired.

And if the pins and “No” shirts weren’t relaying the message forcefully enough, attendees also waved signs that read “Fake Process,” “Stand up for South Salt Lake” and “Think Again Ben.” At one point, with folded arms, McAdams looked a concerned constituent in the eyes, then quickly glanced up at a bouquet of signs that had sprung up in the back of the crowd before turning to another person who called out a different question.

The mayor’s reply was simple and circumspect: “We are listening.” Those in the outer ring of the crowd were irritated that they could hear neither the questions nor the answers. But, for what it’s worth, residents commended McAdams for engaging the public. He continued the interaction, trying to clarify or refute or address inquiries until a call on a cell phone whisked him away.

DW HARRIS

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NEWS

Constituents give a piece of their mind to Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams on Tuesday, March 21.

It was déjà vu. Not three months prior, David Litvack, a senior member of Salt Lake City Mayor Jackie Biskupski’s administration, was centered in a strikingly similar scene during an open house at Salt Lake Community College.

At that time, the city had planned to build four new homeless resource facilities, which set off alarm bells in the nearby neighborhoods—most loudly for those adjacent to Sugar House’s quiet Simpson Avenue. (Two of the four proposed shelter sites—653 Simpson Ave. and 648 W. 100 South—were later dropped from consideration.)

In addition to protesting a potential homeless site next door, residents berated the city for deciding where the shelters would go without soliciting their input. When asked why exclude the public, Biskupski responded that the city had hoped to avoid pitting neighborhoods against one another.

She might have been on to something.

When McAdams’ team selected five spots for a potential site and asked the public to help pick which should have a homeless shelter, it didn’t take residents in West Valley City and South Salt Lake long to figure out that all five proposals were in their two communities.

Throughout the public comment process, residents repeatedly wondered why not Sandy, Draper, Midvale, Murray, Taylorsville, Millcreek, Cottonwood Heights, the Jordans?

Rep. Craig Hall, R-West Valley City, shares with his constituents a nagging

feeling that the search was too narrow.

Salt Lake County encompasses a vast valley, after all, but only spots in those towns were being considered.

“I would have preferred to have more site locations throughout different areas of the county, maybe some proposed locations in the south of the county, some proposed locations in the east side of the county,” he says. “I think that we are certainly willing to have some skin in the game and do our part, but the initial locations—three out of five were in West Valley and, frankly, the fourth location is really close to West Valley as well.”

Selection of the sites was guided by a set of criteria, including proximity to public transportation, grocery availability and whether a homeless service center would “fit in” with the neighborhood.

The reason why South Salt Lake and West Valley City matched the core criteria has nothing to do with the region’s socioeconomic makeup or racial diversity, as alleged by more than one resident at a public meeting. What makes sites in those two towns viable, McAdams tells City Weekly, is the proximity to downtown Salt Lake, where a cluster of the necessary services are located.

With that in mind, the county had been in contract negotiations to some degree on nearly 20 sites, according to the mayor, including in Millcreek and Murray.

“We weren’t able to acquire those

sites for one reason or another,” he says.

Midvale, relevantly, has a homeless shelter originally opened for emergency overflow. The 300-bed facility at 529 W. 7300 South is owned by Shelter the Homeless and operated by The Road Home, the same nonprofit that runs a large 1,000-bed shelter on Rio Grande Street in downtown Salt Lake City.

The facility was rebuilt in 2015 and began operating year-round to serve homeless families.

Unlike the picture outside the Salt Lake City shelter, which is talked about as if it were the abominable poster child of homelessness, the Midvale center is less often mentioned.

Midvale City Councilman Paul Glover says, however, the homeless center in his town is a frequent source of complaints from businesses and residents.

“There is a lot of impact. It takes a lot more police; it takes more schools,” he says. “I’m not saying it’s not good, but it puts a lot of stress on the city for services that have to be provided.”

Ross Equipment Co. is a heavy machinery business about a block away from the Midvale shelter. Clayton Berg, general manager of Ross Equipment, says the homeless shelter doesn’t affect day-to-day business with customers but has contributed to problems nonetheless.

In addition to finding needles and pipes on his property, late-night loitering and “using the front grass area as a toilet,” Berg says someone set up

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as well as two overflow rooms. For the next three hours, the committee heard variations of the same message: Don’t do this. Not here. It will be ruinous to our businesses. Don’t put our families at risk.

Roundly, residents also said they have compassion for the needy and agree that there needs to be a better system in place.

Homelessness is among the most pressing issues in Salt Lake City and, by extension, the state.

Legislation that was passed on the last day of this session and signed by Gov. Gary Herbert to appropriate about $10 million for the homeless resource centers was met with very little opposition in the statehouse. The same legislation stops cities from blocking construction of a homeless shelter within their borders.

Rep. Angela Romero, D-Salt Lake City, said she doesn’t regret supporting the bill, but clarified that she did so with a presumption that the selection committee wouldn’t focus on a relatively small area.

“I thought when we voted for that bill that we would disperse this throughout the county and not focus on some of our most vulnerable neighborhoods,” she said at the committee hearing.

Romero said, though, that neighborhoods are turning against one another because of a portrait of homelessness that is generalized and conflated. “Not everyone that is homeless is a criminal. Many women who’ve left domestic violence situations are homeless. There’s so many reasons why people are homeless.”

The committee has until Thursday to decide where the new center will be constructed.

Speaking to City Weekly last week, McAdams said he fully expected the board to pass on a recommendation to the Legislature by that deadline.

“We’re proud that, even considering the tight time frame, we’ve been able to have a robust public process and this decision will be made transparently,” he says.

Highlighting the time crunch, days before a decision was due, McAdams held a news conference on Tuesday to announce two more potential sites in Draper—one at 15001 Minuteman Drive and another on property where the prison now sits. Draper Mayor Troy Walker called the county to suggest them.

McAdams said it was too early to say whether the new sites were frontrunners, but added that the support of a city partner is an important criteria.

The Road Home Executive Director Matt Minkevitch understands the complexities of homelessness more than just about anyone. He also understands the trepidation people feel when they picture a homeless shelter on their street. Problems at the shelter get the most ink and B-roll, he says, and portray the most visible examples of human suffering—a condition most are fortunate enough not to experience, but no one is immune to.

To end Rio Grande and to avoid reenacting the despair in other neighborhoods, a strategic model must be established and supported, Minkevitch says.

“If we have more deeply affordable housing and access to services, there will be fewer people in shelters,” he says. “This isn’t pie-in-the-sky [thinking].” CW

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

a makeshift sleeping area on company grounds, the inhabitant of which was likely kicked out of the shelter for violating the rules, police told him.

“Having this person sleeping on our property is a huge safety concern for me as oftentimes our employees are leaving at random times alone,” he writes in an email.

Not all businesses close to the Midvale shelter claim to be impacted by homelessness in the region.

Scott Olson, owner of nearby Living Creations, says he hadn’t realized his Midvale location was by a homeless shelter. Occasionally over the past 10 years, his company has experienced property crime, and he’s noticed when his trash bins have been dug through, but Olson is cautious to put too much blame on the homeless population.

“It could have been anyone,” he says.

McAdams says the Midvale shelter is only comparable in its size to the proposed centers, and it shouldn’t be looked at as an example of what to expect from the proposed shelters. It doesn’t offer services like mental health counseling, for example, that are integral pieces of the new program.

Skepticism abounds, though. Many believe the city and county have too much faith that the new model will be successful.

Public servants are concerned that a new resource center will stretch their departments thin, as Midvale’s District 2 councilor contends.

Speaking to City Weekly, John Evans and Ron Morris—the West Valley City and South Salt Lake fire chiefs, respectively—say a new shelter would demand attention beyond what their departments could handle.

“There’s no ‘might not.’ We don’t have the resources to cover a homeless center,” Evans says. Morris estimates the calls would go up by 1,000 with a homeless shelter in town. “We can’t sustain that. Our stations are busy as it is.”

A spike in emergency calls requires a larger city payroll, Evans adds, which demands funds. “And the taxpayers probably don’t want to pay more taxes.”

Even more infuriating to South Salt Lake, the city already has a small center for chronically homeless.

When the county added a couple more potential sites there, Mayor Cherie Wood decried the decision. She said her small city was overburdened with facilities that generate no property-tax revenue but demand municipal dollars, including two county jails, two juvenile detention centers, an 88-bed facility for the chronically homeless, a regional sewer treatment plant and a solid waste treatment facility.

“South Salt Lake has all of the facilities that no one wants and none of the county facilities that everyone wants,” Wood announced to the press last week. “No county recreational centers, no nice new parks, no new libraries. It’s simply not fair.”

The message her city wishes to convey, she said, isn’t “Not in my backyard” but rather “My backyard is full.”

The county has welcomed suggestions for sites, and the two additional South Salt Lake plots were added as a result of public input, according to McAdams.

On March 22, the Site Evaluation Committee, chaired by McAdams, took formal comments from citizens who filled a chamber room in the Senate Building,

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14 | MARCH 30, 2017

Gary Jacobson: Some Thoughts

We tend to anthropomorphize animals; it’s an enormous part of the earliest tales we are told as children. In his exhibit Some Thoughts, Gary Jacobson’s sculptures of animals exist in an emotional tone that triangulates humor, affection and enmity.

“Jonah and the Whale,” “The Tortoise and the Hare” (pictured) and “The Man in the Moon” remind us of those childhood tales, but with a twist. The hare’s leg is in a trap; a camel is about to drop from the top of a staircase. The use of unfired clay, and their roughly rendered shapes, suggests that these creatures are not fixed in their materiality, but are still nascent, in the process of developing into their mature forms.

The narrative moments depicted by the dioramas make the dreamlike direction of the stories go awry, so that not only the creatures but also their predicaments are those of an alternate space.

The title Some Thoughts teases at the anticipatory, in-between state of the experience, presented as though the subconscious were about to offer up its own alternative plotline but the threshold hadn’t quite been crossed from the conscious, rational understanding and assumptions we bring to the characters. The best art often makes the unfamiliar seem familiar, and compels us to look at the seemingly mundane with a fresh eye. Through Jacobson’s eyes, these manifestations of childhood myths and legends reach toward the telling of deeper truths about society and the human psyche. (Brian Staker) Gary Jacobson: Some Thoughts @ Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801-328-4201, through May 6, free, utahmoca.org

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If you were a fan of Alton Brown’s Good Eats on the Food Network, you know the genius behind the show’s ability to explain the science of food through comedy. Brown’s second iteration of the Eat Your Science tour is back this year with an all-ages live show including puppets, music and multimedia presentations. Brown plucks volunteers from the audience to share a little comedic banter and assist him in executing big, potentially dangerous experiments. Sounds like fun, right?

To give you an idea of what’s in store: One of the experiments Brown performs includes cooking a shrimp-and-pepperoni pizza in a 900-degree apparatus which he invented himself in the eighth grade. Originally, it was supposed to be powered by a bicycle wheel, but they had to replace it with a ship wheel they found at a pawn shop.

Another experiment had him funneling a chocolate cream concoction in an air-compressed tank on one end of a machine made entirely of parts from a hardware store, and on the other end sat a tank of pressurized CO2 gas. Both are blasted into a freezing chamber, creating a temperature of about 150 degrees below zero, and ta-dah! A gallon of ice cream is made in 10 seconds.

The L.A. native is a New York Times bestselling author whose newest book Alton Brown: Every Day Cook was released in fall 2016, with a sequel in the works. He is also fond of playing songs at his shows, and is apparently a pretty good singer in his own right. (Lauren Gutierrez) Alton Brown: Eat Your Science @ Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, 801-355-2787, March 31, 5 & 8 p.m., $40-$85, altonbrowntour.com

The customary criteria for being a successful comedian often demand that politics, pontificating and profanity are incorporated in equal measure. So credit Vernard “Bone” Hampton with defying the norm through a stand-up style that takes its cues from his Christian faith.

Granted, you don’t find many performers using their faith to entertain a mainstream audience, but Hampton clearly doesn’t fit the norm. A former football player for the University of North Texas—where he gained the unlikely nickname “Bone” in contrast with his obvious girth—he embarked upon a comedy career after a chance discovery by actor/comedian Jamie Foxx.

Entertainer Steve Harvey became his mentor and from then on, Hampton quickly accumulated credits that include stage, screen and sitcom gigs. He’s made multiple appearances on The View and BET’s Comic View, while collecting film roles alongside Sandra Bullock (All About Steve), Sean Austin and Jon Voight (Woodlawn).

And then there’s that popular commercial for (appropriately) Church’s Chicken.

While Hampton’s success over the past 20 years is undeniable, he dismisses the idea that working “clean” was an obstacle early on. “I wasn’t concerned because I have an aggressive, delivery, approach and tone,” he says via email. “[It] allows me to camouflage the words and content I choose not to explore.”

Likewise, he never assumes his audiences share his religious mindset. “The No. 1 rule in comedy is to know your audience,” he adds.

“Most people accept my faith-based jokes because I’m careful not to make it feel preachy or judgmental.” (Lee Zimmerman) Bone Hampton @ Wiseguys, 269 25th St., Ogden, 801-622-5588, March 31-April 1, 8 p.m., $12, wiseguyscomedy.com

Just a few years ago, podcasts were something only the most die-hard NPR fans were even aware of. Now it seems there’s a new show every day, with podcasts becoming mainstream— thanks, in part, to one series that set the pace.

In 2014, with the Serial podcast, Sarah Koenig and Julie Snyder entranced listeners with the gripping story of Adnan Syed, a high school senior charged with the brutal murder of his exgirlfriend. Closed in 1999, the case is violent and complex, yet was told with such finesse it feels more like a well-written thriller than a true story.

Koenig and Snyder took listeners on an astonishing trip to discover the truth with new twists and turns over the course of 12 weekly episodes.

Serial broke the record for the fastest podcast to reach 5 million iTunes downloads. A Peabody Award in 2015 cemented its place as a national sensation.

This week, you can join Koenig and Snyder as they take audiences behind the scenes of Serial’s first and second seasons, sharing personal stories and anecdotes as well as recordings that didn’t make it into any episodes. The two-and-a-half hour presentation also includes their perspectives on what did and didn’t work in the show. With more than 40 years of journalistic experience between them, the pair offers something not just for fans of Serial, but for everyone who values quality storytelling, and wants to learn what it takes to tell a gripping tale. (David Miller) Sarah Koenig and Julie Snyder @ Eccles Center, 1750 Kearns Blvd., Park City, 435-655-3114, April 1, 7:30 p.m., $29-$79, ecclescenter.org

Alton Brown: Eat Your Science

Bone Hampton

Sara Koenig and Julie Snyder

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MARCH 30, 2017 | 15

Unfamiliar Arias

The Long Walk turns one soldier’s Iraq War experience into contemporary opera.

BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

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n 2015, Brian Castner wrote for the online magazine Literary Hub about the experience of having his memoir, The Long Walk, commissioned as an opera by New York’s American Lyric Theater: “It was like winning a vacation to a country you’ve never thought of visiting, like Uruguay or Botswana.”

Much about the origin of The Long Walk as an opera seems improbable, even as Utah Opera gives it its second-ever production.

It’s the kind of contemporary story that isn’t usually associated with opera, chronicling Castner’s experience leading an Air Force Explosive Ordinance Disposal team in Iraq, and his subsequent challenges adjusting to civilian life back home with his wife, Jessie, and three sons while dealing with what was eventually diagnosed as a blast-induced traumatic brain injury. The score by Jeremy Howard Beck employs a variety of musical styles and contemporary instruments (including guitar), while librettist Stephanie Fleischmann crafts a story that often slips into and out of flashbacks.

“We actually see things happen,” says mezzo-soprano Megan Marino, who plays Jessie, “which is different from a lot of classic opera, where some guy comes on and tells you about what just happened: ‘She just killed him, she’s covered in blood!’ and then she comes on and sings about it. As opposed to, we actually see them driving up to that bomb that they’re going to take care of, and it’s happening while we are having dinner. That’s not how classic opera works.”

While Marino is new to the show, the production team for the local staging includes several individuals who were part of developing the original 2015 New York production, including director David Schweizer, conductor Steven Osgood and baritone Daniel Belcher, who originated and here reprises the role of Brian. And despite their belief in the material, and in Beck and Fleischmann’s commitment to telling it respectfully, there was still the uncertainty of knowing how audiences would receive it—especially since it was premiering during the summer opera season that usually focuses on lighter fare.

“A challenging, brand-new contemporary opera, driven by contemporary music, about a crazed Iraq War vet coming home to his family?” Schweizer, channeling a hypothetical attendee, says. “Is that what I’m going to hire a babysitter and go out [to

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see] for a summer evening?

“What happened is,” he continues, “there was this extraordinarily warm, powerful response to the piece … The emotional center of this family’s struggle for survival, and the moments of both joy and heartbreak along the way, just got to people.”

Castner himself was among those whom the 2015 production “got to.” In a phone interview, he describes being overwhelmed by watching his experience dramatized on stage. “I’ve been able to ‘professionalize’ the story for myself,” he says. “I’ve spent enough time talking about my book that it’s less of an emotional experience. What’s amazing about opera is, there can’t be any distance, because it’s not my vague memories of this book I wrote; it’s this thing that’s happening right in front of you. I was not able to professionalize it the first time, and I can’t imagine it’s going to happen this time.

“I should also say,” he adds, “the opera is better than the book, and not by a little bit.

I think it’s a lot better, and I think that’s the nature of opera. [It] can pick a few key moments, and just focus in on this feeling.”

There’s also a particular connection between Belcher and Castner that both feel has contributed to the success of the collaboration. That connection wasn’t a given, under the circumstances; Castner describes himself as initially “starstruck” by working with theater professionals, while Belcher was worried about doing justice to Castner’s life.

“You play a lot of roles as an actor,” Belcher says, “but it’s rare that you play someone who’s sitting in front of you, and who’s gone through an experience that I can’t remotely fathom. … What I found was this kind of open page of dialogue that we started. We’ve become very good friends; his boys call me ‘Opera Dad.’” As for Castner, he hasn’t yet been able to consider future incarnations of the production where Belcher won’t be performing as Brian. “I do feel bonded to Danny,” he says. “He’s a friend of the family, whether he’s singing the part or not. It’s a little

Daniel Belcher and Megan Marino in The Long Walk

weird having someone sing your life the first time, and so then to have multiple people do it … The whole thing has been a roller coaster, and that’s a bend in the track I haven’t gotten to yet.”

Utah Opera’s creative team, however, is confident in the show’s staying power beyond any of their individual involvement, inspired by the unique dynamic they already see Marino bringing to the show. “It’s indicative of a piece with real depth,” David Schweizer says. “You don’t even question with Chekhov [for example]; of course it’s not going to be dull to do it again. The test of the depth of a piece is, when you go back to it, you’re literally compelled not to put the same clothes on it. There’s no way you can’t think freshly about it.”

Castner himself is also thinking freshly about the process of having his life become an opera, since contemplating that hypothetical vacation in Botswana. He wrote his LitHub piece before he had a chance to see the production in its final form, and now says, “The answer I [gave then] is different than the one I give you now: I feel grateful that my children have an opera made of their childhood. Who gets that?” CW

THE LONG WALK

Rose Wagner Center 138 W. 300 South 801-355-2787 Friday-Saturday, March 31-April 1 7:30 p.m., $20-$45 utahopera.org BRIAN CASTNER AUTHOR READING

Weller Book Works 607 Trolley Square Thursday, March 30, 6:30 p.m. free wellerbookworks.com

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18 | MARCH 30, 2017

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COMPLETE LISTINGS ONLINE AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

The Lion King Eccles Theater, 131 South Main, 801-355-2787, through April 16, artsaltlake.org The Long Walk Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. 300 South, 801-355-2787, March 31-April 1, 7:30 p.m., utahopera.org (see p. 16) Murder for Two Brigham’s Playhouse, 25 N. 300 West, Washington, 435-251-8000, through April 8, Thursday-Saturday 7 p.m., Saturday matinee 2 p.m., brighamsplayhouse.com Not One Drop Plan-B Theatre Co., Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. 300 South, 801-355-2787, through April 2, planbtheatre.org Over the River and Through the Woods St. George Opera House, 212 N. Main, 866-867-9167, through April 8, times vary, sgmusicaltheater.com Peter and the Starcatchers Hale Center Theater, 225 W. 400 North, Orem, 801-226-8600, through April 8, times vary, haletheater.org Save Your Own Skin The Leonardo, 209 E. 500 South, 801-531-9800, through April 1, FridaySaturday, 7:30 p.m., theleonardo.org

Embracing Diverse Voices: A Century of AfricanAmerican Art showcases works from the Kalamazoo Institute of Arts collection (Jacob Lawrence’s “The Builders” is pictured) at Brigham Young University Museum of Art (N. Campus Drive, Provo, 801-422-8287, moa.byu.edu) through April 29.

PERFORMANCE THEATER

A Midsummer Night’s Dream Utah Cultural Celebration Center, 1355 W. 3100 South, West Valley City, 801-965-5100, April 3, 7-8:30 p.m., culturalcelebration.org Annie Egyptian Theatre, 328 Main, Park City, 435-649-9371, through April 2, Thursday-Saturday, 8 p.m.; Sunday, 6 p.m., egyptiantheatrecompany.org A Streetcar Named Desire Grand Theatre, 1575 S. State, 801-957-3322, through April 1, grandtheatrecompany.com Captain AmericanFORK Desert Star Theatre, 4861 S. State, Murray, 801-266-2600, through June 3, 11:30 a.m., 2, 6, 7:30 & 8:30 p.m., desertstar.biz Cutie and The Beast Off Broadway Theatre, 272 Main, 801-355-4628, through April 22, 7:30 p.m., theobt.org King Charles III Pioneer Theatre Co., 300 S. 1400 East, 801-581-6961, through April 8, FridaySaturday, 7:30 p.m.; Monday-Thursday, 7 p.m.; Saturday matinee, 2 p.m., pioneertheatre.org

DANCE

Ballet West: The Little Mermaid Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South, 801-869-6920, March 30-April 2; 12, 2 & 7 p.m., balletwest.org Oddyssey Dance Theatre: Shut Up & Dance Kingsbury Hall, 1395 E. President Circle, 801-581-7100, through April 7, tickets.utah.edu

CLASSICAL & SYMPHONY

Chamber Music Society of SLC: The Imani Winds Libby Gardner Hall, 1375 E. Presidents Circle, 801-581-7100, April 3, 7:30 p.m., tickets.utah.edu

COMEDY & IMPROV

Bone Hampton Wiseguys Ogden, 269 25th St., 801-622-5588, March 31-April 1, 8 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com (see p. 14) Don Friesen Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West, 801-532-5233, March 31-April 1, 7 & 9:30 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com ImprovBroadway 496 N. 900 East, Provo, 909-260-2509, Saturdays, 8 p.m., improvbroadway.com Improv Comedy Ziegfeld Theater, 3934 Washington Blvd., Ogden, 435-327-8273, Saturdays, 9:30 p.m., ogdencomedyloft.com Laughing Stock Improv The Off Broadway Theatre, 272 S. Main, 801-355-4628, Fridays & Saturdays, 10 p.m., laughingstock.us Off the Wall Comedy Improv Draper Historic Theatre, 12366 S. 900 East, Draper, 801-5724144, Saturdays, 10:30 p.m., drapertheatre.org

Quick Wits Comedy 695 W. Center St., Midvale, 801-824-0523, Saturdays, 10 p.m., qwcomedy.com Sasquatch Cowboy The Comedy Loft, 3934 Washington Blvd., Ogden, 435-327-8273, Saturdays, 9:30 p.m., ogdencomedyloft.com Shayne Smith Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West, 801-532-5233, March 30, 7:30 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com

LITERATURE AUTHOR APPEARANCES

Brian Castner: The Long Walk Weller Book Works, 607 Trolley Square, 801-328-2586, March 30, 6:30 p.m., wellerbookworks.com (see p. 16) Jean Reagan: How to Raise a Mom The King’s English Bookshop, 1511 S. 1500 East, 801-4849100, 11 a.m., kingsenglish.com Keith Donnelly Barnes & Noble, 5249 S. State, Murray, 801-261-4040, April 1, noon-4 p.m., barnesandnoble.com Rosalyn Eves: Blood Rose Rebellion The King’s English Bookshop, 1511 S. 1500 East, 801-484-9100, April 1, 7 p.m., kingsenglish.com

SPECIAL EVENTS TALKS & LECTURES

Alton Brown: Eat Your Science Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, 801-355-2787, March 31, 5 p.m., $40-$85, altonbrowntour.com (see p. 14) Frontiers of Science: The Global Energy Challenge: A Moral Imperative for the University Skaggs Biology Building, University of Utah, 259 S. 1400 East, March 30, 6 p.m., science.utah.edu The Bystander Dilemma Quinney College of Law, 383 S. University St., University of Utah, March 31, 8 a.m.-3 p.m., law.utah.edu Serial’s Sarah Koenig and Julie Snyder Eccles Center, 1750 Kearns Blvd., Park City, 435-655-3114, April 1, 7:30 p.m., ecclescenter.org (see p. 14)

FARMERS MARKETS

Winter Market Rio Grande Depot, 300 S. Rio Grande St., through April 22, Saturdays, 10 a.m.2 p.m., slcfarmersmarket.org

VISUAL ART GALLERIES & MUSEUMS

Adrian Bangerter: Reflections Art at the Main, 210 E. 400 South, 801-363-4088, through April 14, artatthemain.com Brent Godfrey: Observation A Gallery, 1321 S. 2100 East, 801-583-4800, through April 22, agalleryonline.com Ed Napia, Rad Cuch & Wahid Migoli Art Access Gallery, 230 S. 500 West, Ste. 125, 801-328-0703, through April 14, accessart.org Embracing Diverse Voices: A Century of African-American Art BYU Museum of Art, N. Campus Drive, Provo, 801-422-8287, through April 29, moa.byu.edu (see above)

Focus: Photography by Jessica Hernandez Sprague Library, 280 W. 500 North, 801-594-8680, through April 14, slcpl.org From the Heart: Expressions in Fiber Utah Cultural Celebration Center, 1355 W. 3100 South, West Valley City, 801-965-5100, through April 26, culturalcelebration.org The Future Isn’t What It Used to Be Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801-328-4201, through May 13, free, utahmoca.org Gary Jacobson: Some Thoughts Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801-3284201, through May 6, free, utahmoca.org (see p. 14) Groundbreaking: Innovations in Clay Kimball Art Center, 1401 Kearns Blvd., Park City, 435649-8882, through April 16, kimballartcenter.org Imagining Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801-328-4201, through April 15, utahmoca.org Isaac Hastings: Inevitably Inert God Hates Robots, 314 W. 300 South, through April 7, godhatesrobots.com Justin Chouinard: These Ribbons Are Substratum UMOCA, 20 S. West Temple, 801328-4201, through April 22, 10 a.m., utahmoca.org Kendra Hitchcock: Ubiquitous Sprague Library, 2131 S. 1100 East, 801-594-8640, through May 6, slcpl.org Liberty Blake: Paper Collage Phillips Gallery, 444 E. 200 South, 801-364-8284, through April 14, phillips-gallery.com Michael Workman: Helper Paintings David Ericson Fine Art, 418 S. 200 West, 801-5338245, through April 14, davidericson-fineart.com Off the Map Art Access Gallery, 230 S. 500 West, Ste. 125, 801-328-0703, through April 14, accessart.org RE Urban Arts Gallery, 137 S. Rio Grande St., 801-230-0820, April 4-30, noon-8 p.m., urbanartsgallery.org Rebecca Campbell Modern West Fine Art, 177 E. 200 South, 801-355-3383, through April 15, modernwestfineart.com Robotic: Drawings by Carter Johnson Day-Riverside Library, 1575 W. 1000 North, 801-594-8632, through April 29, slcpl.org Rod Heiss: Let Paint Be Paint SLC Chapman Library, 577 S. 900 West, 801-594-8623, through April 27, slcpl.org Rona Pondick & Robert Feintuch: Heads, hands, feet; sleeping, holding, dreaming, dying Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, 20 S. West Temple, 801-328-4201, through July 15, utahmoca.org Sleeping Giants + Untold Tales: Paintings by Matt Monsoon Gallery at Library Square, 210 E. 400 South, 801-524-8200, through April 14, slcpl.org SOS Save Our Seas: Mixed Media Artwork by Lori A. McPherson SLC Main Library, 210 E. 400 South, 801-524-8200, through April 14, slcpl.org Utah At War SLC Public Library, 210 E. 400 South, 801-524-8200, through April 22, slcpl.org Women in Art Urban Arts Gallery, 137 S. Rio Grande St., 801-230-0820, through April 2, urbanartsgallery.org

STILL STANDING As media interest fizzles, the battle at Standing Rock continues.

M

ilitarized police destroyed the encampments in North Dakota late last month, but judging by the momentum that lingers, the movement born at Standing Rock is just getting started. The peaceful fight against the Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) is still playing out in court, and campaigns against similar pipelines are growing in Washington state, Iowa, Pennsylvania,

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New Jersey, Oklahoma, Texas, South Dakota, North Dakota, Louisiana, Georgia and Florida.

Micah “Big Wind” Lott, 23, a member of the Northern Arapaho Tribe from Riverton, Wyo., spent six months at Standing Rock and was arrested twice. His comments reflect what many there experienced: “Standing Rock started with a prayer for clean water. Then it

grew into a community of like-minded, passionate individuals who came from all walks of life, different countries, more than 300 Native Nations and all 50 states,” he says. “We came for a common purpose, which was to stop the Dakota Access Pipeline, yet we created a family while there. We had daily tasks that became our jobs to make sure everything ran smoothly.

We became more in touch with nature and our inner selves.”

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WESTON BURY

By Max Mogren

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20 | MARCH 30, 2017

Lott says he learned there is a third option beyond fight or flight. “We no longer have to engage in violence to survive like our ancestors did,” he says. “Blood was shed and the ancestors do not want that for us.”

FIRSTHAND RESISTANCE Like many, I threw financial caution to the wind and was drawn there on two occasions, spending a month total in camp. My greatest fear while driving to North Dakota was getting delayed or detained long enough to lose my relatively lucrative yet skier-friendly jobs. Civil disobedience, it turns out, doesn’t pay the bills, regardless of many “professional protester” stories reported by some dubious outlets.

During my first visit in November 2016, the main camp was peaceful, prayerful and packed with people. Overwhelmed by visitors and support, Oceti Sakowin Camp stood proudly through eviction orders issued by both the governor of North Dakota and the Army Corps of Engineers (ACoE). On Dec. 5, the scheduled eviction day, 15,000 people showed up to declare, “Mni wiconi!” (Water is life!) and “No DAPL!” ACoE backed down and pipeline construction temporarily went on hold. The mainstream media showed up just long enough to declare victory for the water protectors. Standing Rock Tribal Chairman Dave Archambault told everyone to go home because the Native-led protests had prevailed.

However, thousands of water protectors saw through the façade and stayed on, camping out through a North Dakota winter. As 20-below temps became the norm, most people left their things in camp, vowing to return when the weather warmed.

Many people who stayed grew ill, and some blamed it on heaps of Rozol rat poison that had been, according to The Bismarck Tribune, secretly and illegally spread on 80 acres directly upwind just across the highway from camp. Despite this and many other hardships and uncertainties, protectors endured the winter.

In February, I returned to Standing Rock. It now felt more like a struggling refugee camp terrorized by surrounding security forces. The police had moved much closer, and their floodlights filled the camp at night.

ACoE issued another eviction order for Feb. 22, and water protectors called out on social media for help with springcleaning. A 10-day heat wave was in the forecast and the government warned that the Cannonball River could flood, so going out to help clean up seemed like the best way to support

PIPELINE TIMELINE

By Dylan Woolf Harris

Spring 2016 As four states finalize approval of the $3.78 billion Dakota Access Pipeline, Native Americans from the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe petition the federal government. The 1,172-milelong underground pipeline will carry crude oil from North Dakota to refineries in southern Illinois, crossing two additional states en route.

The Sioux say the pipeline will interfere with sacred burial grounds and compromise their water supply.

the movement and protect the local environment.

By Feb. 18, most of the camp was a quagmire of mud with deep ruts from heavy equipment used to clean up the camp.

The roads through camp had become impassable. Further camp cleanup was seriously hindered after that.

Five days later, approximately 200 militarized police invaded and destroyed main camp at Standing Rock. They came in humvees and armored personnel carriers. They wore body armor, brandished tactical weaponry, and barked orders aggressively while creeping through camp.

Their snipers scoped us from the surrounding hillsides.

Their jamming devices hindered our live feeds. Their helicopter swooped overhead, stalking independent journalists’ drones. Their heavy machinery destroyed everything in camp: teepees, tents, sacred sites and even a barn full of tools and equipment.

They recorded our faces and actions while they hid behind masks and badges. They followed orders and collected their pay. At the expense of taxpayers, they protected corporate profits from a few dozen peaceful people engaged in my favorite act of civil disobedience: illegal camping.

Short of shooting everyone on sight, the police behaved as if bulldozing a village of indigenous freedom fighters half a world away. The only warriors they encountered remained peaceful throughout the ordeal. Miraculously, no one was seriously injured as 47 people were arrested while standing up for clean water and human rights on ground considered sacred for centuries.

Some of my friends were among those arrested that day.

Fellow journalist Ed Higgins was detained while livestreaming at the front line during the raid. Lott got nabbed while holding space in camp. He described what happened after his arrest.

“We were put in cages and stripped to our base layers. Then we were transported for over five hours to a remote prison with our hands zip-tied behind us in freezing temperatures,” he said. “The zip-ties were too tight on some and their hands turned blue. We weren’t fed for 15 hours, and were blocked from calling our legal support for far too long.”

The women arrested that day got treated a bit better, perhaps because a revered Native grandmother walked among them.

The rest of us avoided arrest by escaping on foot across the frozen Cannonball River. The only open road to camp had been blockaded by the Bureau of Indian Affairs (BIA) for a week and was closed completely 24 hours prior to the raid.

Mainstream news did not cover the raid, instead repeatJuly 2016 The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers signs off on the pipeline project. Soon afterward, Sioux leaders start to organize near the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, 3,500 squaremiles of tribal land that straddles the North Dakota and South Dakota border.

Fall 2016 Camps are set up near the Standing Rock Indian Reservation that put protesters, or “water protectors” as they call themselves, in proximity to a construction blockade. Numerous other Native American tribes join the Sioux. Demonstrations are met with militarized police action, and in turn, allies from across the country travel to Standing Rock to support the resistance.

A couple of film students from Salt Lake Community College make the journey to North Dakota to document the protest.

One of them, a member of the Blackfeet and Shoshone-Paiute tribes, makes his way to the front line to film a clash with police.

MAX MOGREN

MAX MOGREN

Militarized police at Standing Rock on Feb. 23, 2017.

edly reporting the government’s official reason for eviction: supposed imminent danger of flooding from the river, which remains locked in ice till the bitter end. Cannonball is a small river that has only flooded nine times in the last 70 years. According to the National Weather Service, it is not forecast to flood in the foreseeable future.

The official reason for evicting the encampment was a lie.

It painted water protectors as foolish water polluters. It portrayed the government as ecologically aware and preemptively poised to prevent a minor environmental issue while protecting the construction of a nearby oil pipeline.

A few days after main camp’s eviction, most of the remaining satellite camps—on private land above the floodplain within the Standing Rock Reservation—were evicted on orders from the Standing Rock Tribal Council.

Though the mainstream media paid little attention, the last week of February showcased a shameful spectacle punctuating a months-long siege against a domestic peaceful prayer encampment. Fortunately, during final evictions, police were more restrained than they were during many previous encounters with water protectors.

Arguably, the worst of it came on Nov. 20 when tear gas, an LRAD (long-range acoustic device), stinger grenades, rubber bullets and a water cannon were employed. That day, the air temperature was below freezing as police blasted people with cold water for nine straight hours. Law enforcement also shot down three media drones and targeted working journalists with rubber bullets. Sophia Wilansky had an arm nearly blown off by an explosive device, at least 17 water protectors went to the hospital and a few hundred suffered hypothermia.

Those attacks targeted water protectors attempting to remove two burnt military trucks blockading the Backwater Bridge on Highway 1806. Police abandoned the trucks there on Oct. 27, and the trucks mysteriously caught on fire that night.

Highway 1806 is the main road from Bismarck to the Standing Rock Reservation and its main business, the Prairie Knights Resort and Casino. The closed road hurt the tribal economy, hindered commuters and endangered lives by doubling the drive time from Standing Rock to the closest hospital.

Officially, the road was closed because the bridge was “unsafe” due to the burnt trucks. Local government made empty promises to reopen the highway while police simultaneously beefed up their blockade with concrete barriers, razor wire and assault vehicles. Highway 1806 remained closed for more than five months, until March 21.

Oct. 31, 2016 Water protectors are finding solace in cities across the country. As a protest on Salt Lake City’s Main Street winds down, hundreds of demonstrators flood into the Wells Fargo Center lobby. Security kicks most of them out, save for a few souls who chain themselves together. Some of the occupiers reinforce their entrenchment with U-locks around their necks. The eight or so individuals are eventually freed, cuffed and hauled to jail. All the while, supporters outside sing a soulful protest song.

Nov. 1, 2016 While declaring November as Native American Heritage Month, Salt Lake City Mayor Jackie Biskupski professes support for the water protectors. She also joins leaders from a handful of American cities in opposition to the Dakota Access Pipeline, and her name is added to a letter bound for then-President Barack Obama.

MAX MOGREN

Water protector calling to police across the river, November 2016.

MISLEADING MESSAGES

Jan. 24, 2017 Four days after he is sworn into office, President Donald Trump signs an executive order reviving the Dakota Access Pipeline, as well as the Keystone XL Pipeline, another oil infrastructure project Obama rejected.

Jan. 26, 2017 In a year marked by protests and demonstrations, a local NoDAPL rally adds its voice on a frigid winter evening. The gathering is in direct response to Trump’s executive order, seen as an undoing of environmental policy by the previous administration. Facing the steps of the Salt Lake City and County Building, residents wave signs, chant slogans and cheer on an organizer’s cry recognizing the need for diverse and thoughtful candidates to challenge the political apparatus.

March 23, 2017 At a forum on Native American sovereignty, Moroni Benally says the government failed to understand a traditional conception of sovereignty. “Tribal sovereignty has an inherent connection with the sacred and the spiritual,” he says.

MARCH 30, 2017 | 21

Dec. 5, 2016 Co-founder of the Utah League of Native American Voters Moroni Benally posts a video after he delivers to Standing Rock a letter of support from Salt Lake City leaders.

“This decision is important as it affects the entire infrastructure development in Indian Country,” he says. “It’s a victory for Tribal sovereignty, and it will set precedent for development of fossil fuel infrastructures on federal and Indian land for the future.”

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Dec. 4, 2016 With a little more than a month left in office, the federal government halts completion of the Dakota Access Pipeline. The Army Corps agrees to explore the option of diverting pipe along a new route to avoid running a line below the Missouri River.

Thanksgiving 2016 At an apparent impasse, Standing Rock is quiet for the holiday. City Weekly contributor Lori A. Wagner describes her experience at a camp over Thanksgiving. The months-long conflict has remained on the public’s radar due to notable casualties, including an episode where a protester, purportedly hit with a concussion grenade, nearly loses an arm.

Six years after its zenith, the seeds sown by the Occupy Movement are still growing an enhanced awareness about the corrupt and crumbling foundation of the current financial system, a system that fails to adequately serve the vast majority of humanity and drives the shortsighted investment and development that is decimating nature and life across the globe.

However, the weatherworn water protectors still bravely stood up for clean water, challenging the oil pipeline company Energy Transfer Partners in court. On March 7, a federal judge denied a request by the Standing Rock Sioux and Cheyenne River tribes to halt construction of the final piece of the Dakota Access Pipeline. Three days later, water defenders like Lott converged in Washington, D.C., for the Native Nations Rise March. Accompanied by Little Wind, he says the plan is now to “travel to other Water Protector camps around the country to share what we learned at Standing Rock.”

The DAPL’s main purpose is to pump fracked oil from North Dakota to Chicago so it can be shipped overseas. Fracking for

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Nov. 3, 2016 In a Q&A with City Weekly, PANDOS member Carl Moore explains why Utahns should be concerned with the Dakota Access Pipeline. “This is not a native issue,” he said. “The native people are leading this issue, but this is an issue of clean water, respect and dignity—a matter of sacredness.”

FAR FROM A PIPE DREAM

fossil fuels pollutes groundwater and causes earthquakes.

The pipelines don’t do well during earthquakes because all that shaking and shifting can cause them to break.

DAPL is designed to ship fracked oil from the Bakken Fields to Chicago at $8 per barrel, $6 less than it currently costs to take it by train. ETP hopes the pipeline will carry 470,000 barrels per day. At a rate of $8 per barrel, the company should gross about $1.4 billion per year on a $4 billion initial investment.

It’s all about making money, and one way ETP is more profitable is by employing very few people: If completed, the pipeline will only need approximately 20 workers along it’s 1,172-mile length.

During construction, of course, hundreds of police collected paychecks for sitting around in idling vehicles, terrorizing citizens engaged in civil disobedience, and protecting a private construction site. Meanwhile, water protectors encamped in an impoverished area were criticized for setting up GoFundMe accounts.

At a loss for words, I’ll leave you with something hopeful that Lott shared recently: “I wish everyday Americans could see the sacrifices we made here trying to protect sacred land and water, rather than focusing on the propaganda and drama that surrounds every movement. Thousands came in December to support Indigenous resistance, and this movement has inspired millions. Now that we have been forcibly removed from the camps at Standing Rock, it is time to heal and reflect.”

“I grew so much emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically,” Lott continued. “Oceti helped me become a warrior and now that the sacred fire has been put out at all camps, it is time to let the fire burn in our hearts and utilize our resources we have gained here, share the skills that were acquired with others, educate people on what to expect if a similar situation threatens their ancestral lands.

“It was bittersweet leaving, but I know this movement is far from over. There are thousands of water protectors who will train thousands more. We will defeat the ‘black snake.’ The prophecy says the Seventh Generation will kill the snake, and that is us. From what I have seen these past several months, our ancestors predicted certain situations from the unification of the condor (South American Natives) and the eagle (North American Native), to the rise of the Seventh Generation, to the Rainbow Nation joining forces with the Red Nation. All of that happened at Standing Rock, and now it is time to make our ancestors proud.” CW

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Police and corporate media wrote off protectors as arsonists, never really asking why the trucks were abandoned or who actually set them on fire.

Houston-based journalist Derrick Broze filmed the October events, including a group of what appeared to be hired thugs intimidating peaceful protesters before torching the trucks.

Broze is a veteran livestreamer who has reported from the frontlines at many police confrontations. That night, he hid in the trees near the bridge because the thugs—not the police— threatened to break his camera and demanded that he leave.

He reported for MintPress News: “Although stationed on the water protectors’ side of the bridge, a small group of individuals did not seem to hold the same values or practice the same tactics as the larger, Native-led movement against the pipeline. In stark contrast to the water protectors’ many actions of peaceful prayer and ceremony, the atmosphere at the bridge the night of Oct. 27 was more reminiscent of an outdoor rave.

The people on the bridge set fire to an SUV, and threw rocks and other objects at a row of armored vehicles operated by law enforcement. This small faction of non-peaceful protesters and officers briefly tossed smoke bombs back and forth.”

Broze recounted that officers eventually lit two smoke bombs on the north side of the bridge before parking two armored vehicles there. All law enforcement vehicles were gone within a matter of minutes, and people climbed aboard the armored vehicles before setting fire to them. The fires, Broze reported, burned throughout the night, as neither law enforcement nor fire department personnel ever arrived at the scene to extinguish the flames.

On Oct. 28, water protectors and elders arrived on the scene to retake the bridge from the agitating faction wearing all-black clothing, a tactic for protests and marches known as “black bloc.” There were no more than 20 of these provocateurs, Broze explained, and they all traveled together in five older pickup trucks. Several fights broke out on the bridge as the agitators clashed with those calling strictly for prayer and ceremony, and the agitators were run off the bridge within an hour.

Broze noted that Sioux—the head of security for the frontline camp off North Dakota Highway 1806—said those who started the fires were not with the water protectors. Apparently intent on forcing their tactics upon the movement, these outside forces appeared uninterested in listening to the Standing Rock Sioux or other Native allies.

Although the black bloc tactic has been used as a legiti-

mate way for protesters to shield their identities from law enforcement, it has also been exploited by law enforcement, Broze wrote. “Police masquerading as black bloc activists have been exposed at the 2001 G8 Summit in Italy, at protests in 2007 in Quebec, and police posed as activists to infiltrate the Occupy Movement.”

Regardless of whether or not the people who burned the trucks were hired provocateurs, police abandoned the trucks knowing that they would be vandalized, and used that to justify closing Highway 1806 indefinitely. These are the underhanded tactics that police resort to while terrorizing people who put their lives on the line performing acts of peaceful resistance.

The last time the American police state got this devious and violent with peaceful protesters was in 2011 when the Occupy Movement spread awareness around the globe. In response, a federally orchestrated crackdown swiftly evicted dozens of urban protest encampments that had popped up across America. Evictions were justified by citing public health and safety, just as we saw at Standing Rock.

In reality, the Occupy encampments were deemed a threat to national security and financial stability because they raised awareness to the fact that our currency is controlled by a private banking cartel. With near limitless power of the purse, these banksters exert undue influence across the spectrum of civilization.

LET’S PAINT THE TOWN, THEY’LL SHUT IT DOWN Out of Standing Rock, the birth of a new environmental movement emerges.

By Baynard Woods

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“We’re trying to save the water because water is life.”

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t is snowing in Washington, D.C.—strange in early March after an insanely warm winter, but nothing compared to the cold many of the activists and tribal members gathered here endured in North Dakota while fighting against the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline.

Kristen Tuske, a 39-year-old Sioux woman from the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation, stands with several other women in front of the White House, her back to it, fist raised in the air.

She has pink hair, sculpted arches for eyebrows and tattoos on the side of her face. She lived at the camp where thousands of “water protectors” gathered to fight the pipeline for seven months.

“The last couple weeks at the camp were sad and everyone was a little angry,” she said. “A lot of feelings are hurt … That was our home and we got kicked out.”

February’s camp evacuation might be a defeat for Standing Rock, but, in the eyes of those gathered in front of the White House, it might also signal the beginning of something greater—the possibility of a real environmental movement in America.

“The reason I am here is to represent our future generations and be their voice, part of the resistance in decolonizing our minds,” said JoRee LaFrance, a member of the Crow tribe from Montana. “Protecting our waters should be our No. 1 priority, and that’s why we’re all here is to unite and protect tribal sovereignty and to protect indigenous people and their waters. People need to realize indigenous people are doing this for all people, not just indigenous people. We’re here to protect the water for all people.”

That sentiment was heard again and again. It is not just about the water at Standing Rock. It is a symbolic battle, a turning point. The indigenous people are stepping forward to

BAYNARD WOODS

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—Little Thunder

save the planet—and to save us from ourselves.

Little Thunder, an elder from South Dakota’s Rosebud Indian Reservation, is standing apart from the crowd in full ceremonial regalia: a feathered headdress, a circular feather shield and some mirrored sunglasses. He came all the way to Washington to “let people know and let Trump know that this is not just a Standing Rock or a Washington, D.C., or a politics issue. This is for the whole earth. We’re trying to save the water because water is life.”

Little Thunder says he is a single father of six children, four of them living at Standing Rock. His voice is high and pinched; he’s almost singing as he speaks.

“Once he let [Standing Rock] go through, they think they can destroy the water, which is life every place else on this earth, not just Standing Rock,” he says.

David Kenny, a member of the Seneca Nation, is standing with a sign that reads “Water is Life.”

“It’s not just about Native Americans anymore. It’s about everyone,” he says. “Because you keep poisoning the water, you’re going to start paying for it and they’re going to shoot that price up. You’re going to be paying $20 for a bottle of it.

It’s not just about the tribes anymore.”

He turns his attention toward the White House and the white man inside it. “Can you stop this pipeline, please?” he asks in a soft tone. “It’s not about business anymore. It’s not just us that’s going to fall—it’s you, too. Everybody is going to die if this continues. The earth is dying.”

There is no indication that Trump or anyone else in the White House hears this, despite the fact that native nations have spent the last four days with teepees set up on the mall, raising awareness of indigenous and environmental issues. On March 9, the day before the gathering across

from the White House, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt said he would not agree that climate change caused by human activity is “a primary contributor to the global warming that we see.”

But as the Native Nations Rise rally went down, thousands of more people were calling the EPA to complain about Pruitt’s disavowal of accepted science.

On the same day as the rally, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released a study reporting that carbon dioxide levels rose at a “record pace for second straight year.”

“The two-year, 6-ppm surge in the greenhouse gas between 2015 and 2017 is unprecedented in the observatory’s 59-year record,” the report read.

Trump’s budget proposal, released a week after the rally, slashed the EPA by more than 30 percent. NOAA is not included in the final proposal, but a leaked draft showed a 17-percent decrease in funding.

The snow falls on the demonstrators and the dancers and the speakers on the stage. Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas takes the stage. He is part Shoshone and organized the release of a song recorded by a collection of mostly native artists to bring attention to Native American issues.

It is still a strange moment, watching the snow fall as this pop star in a floppy hat sings over a recording of his band’s song “I Gotta Feeling” and people sway and dance and sing along, making it feel, for a moment, more like spring break than a deadly serious fight for the fate of the world. Looking over at the White House, I have a feeling that tonight’s probably not gonna be a good night; but if we listen to the water protectors, we might still have some good ones left. CW

RESTAURANT REVIEW

Pho 2.0

DINE

Pasta for the People since 1968

Pho Saigon Noodle House births a baby brother in Murray.

BY TED SCHEFFLER tscheffler@cityweekly.net @critic1

Breakfast

OMELETTES | PANCAKES • GREEK SPECIALTIES

Lunch & Dinner

HOMEMADE SOUP • GREEK SPECIALS GREEK SALADS • HOT OR COLD SANDWICHES KABOBS • PASTA • FISH • STEAKS • CHOPS GREEK PLATTERS & GREEK DESSERTS

Beer & Wine

THE OTHER PLACE

OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK

MON - SAT 7AM - 11PM SUN 8AM - 10PM 469 EAST 300 SOUTH | 521-6567

MARCH 30, 2017 | 23

RESTAURANT

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4907 S. State, Murray 801-590-8277

TO THE GR EE

PHO SAIGON NOODLE HOUSE 2

E

E TM

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(which are dipped in water to soften), a big platter with basil, cilantro, lettuce, carrots, cucumber and bean sprouts, a plate of thinsliced raw beef and shrimp marinated in a sweet (almost teriyaki-tasting) soy sauce with Vietnamese spices and slivers of white and green onion, all topped with white sesame seeds. The pats of butter supplied are for lubricating the hot grill.

We quickly got the hang of buttering the grill and sautéeing the beef and shrimp, although a couple of times I managed to nearly knock the hot grill off of its base, which caused me to wonder about the wisdom of allowing patrons to grill food at their own tables. At least customers can’t send dishes back for being under- or over-cooked.

Overall, our nuóng vi experience was fun and delicious, albeit a bit messy. Other satisfying items include vegetarian tofu-filled rice paper rolls called gói cuôn chay ($3.75), egg noodle soup with char-siu pork ($6.65), and the house special stir-fried tofu with veggies and steamed rice ($7.95).

Of course, you want to know about the pho. Well, it’s so good here that you’ll run the risk of always ordering pho and never getting around to all the other delicious menu options. But, that’s a happy problem to have. Though it’s perhaps a skosh saltier than most, the pho at Pho Saigon Noodle House 2 is as aromatic and palate-pleasing as you’ll find in Utah. Go pho it. CW

M ON-T HU 11a-11p / FR I -SA T 11a-12a / SU N 3p-10p

G

Nuóng vi at Pho Saigon Noodle House 2

5370 S. 900 E. / 801.266.4182

K!

it’s not listed as such—is the house specialty báhn xèo ($7.75). Also called “happy pancakes,” the plate consists of a large serving of two savory, omelet-like crêpes made from rice flour and filled with bean sprouts, roasted pork slices, thin-sliced onion and shrimp. Xèo refers to the sizzling sound the crêpes make when the rice flour batter hits a hot pan. Alongside is a big plate of garnishes like lettuce, Thai basil and a spicy coriander-tasting Vietnamese herb called rau răm. Overall, though, the bánh xèo is a bit bland and begs for hot chile oil or dipping sauce, which are provided.

I heartily recommend bánh bôt chiên ($6.25), one of my favorite appetizers. I was expecting something cake-like in appearance and texture from a dish described on the menu as “pan-fried rice cake.” What arrived was small, bite-size cubes of lightly charred and crisp rice squares stir-fried with egg and topped with minced scallion and green papaya. Sweet Saigon soy sauce came alongside. I’m guessing that this dish must begin as sort of a rice pudding, wherein the rice is allowed to cool and set, then cut into small pieces for frying. Whatever the case, it’s delicious.

Now for some big fun: Prices at Pho Saigon Noodle House 2 are so ridiculously low, how can you not order the most expensive item on the menu? That would be the nuóng vi, which is translated as “grilling at the table.”

For $19.95, you’ll get a DIY setup that can feed two to four people, depending on how many appetizers and such you’ve enjoyed beforehand. Your server will set up a portable gas grill at your table and turn it on.

The rest, is up to you. The table is provided with warm rice noodles, rice paper wraps

italianvillageslc.com

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

TED SCHEFFLER

I

recall being cautiously excited when Pho Saigon Noodle House (2222 E. 3500 South) opened during the summer of 2013 near the Maverick Center, after an eight-year run at a previous West Valley City location. There weren’t near as many pho emporiums around town back then as there are today, and I hungrily welcomed each new addition.

I hadn’t been back in quite some time, so when I learned of its new offspring in Murray, I was eager to visit Pho Saigon Noodle House 2, which opened for business in September 2016. It’s been a hit almost from Day 1.

Stepping into the new eatery—which is located adjacent to a Subway and an almost-open sushi restaurant on the ground floor of the Home2 Suites by Hilton—it’s the color that hits you first. The walls are painted a vibrant green, and huge photographs depicting scenes from Vietnam decorate them. There are tables and booths, as well as a long counter that’s perfect for slurping pho solo. My first thought was how clean, colorful and airy the restaurant is. I’m pretty sure you could eat off the floor—it’s that spotless.

I’ve always been quickly seated and greeted with friendly hellos whenever I’ve visited. However, you might have to ask for a short time-out. Servers are on-the-spot and rapidly ready to take your order, but in our case, we needed some time to digest (so to speak) the mouth-watering menu. It’s an extensive one, and requires thought, hard choices and, in some cases, welcome guidance. There are 16 pho options, for example, and each one comes in small or large size ($6.65; $7.75), plus add-ons such as extra meat, extra noodles, etc. And that only accounts for about one-eighth of the menu.

So, I recommend ordering an appetizer or two to nosh on while you make more important decisions. Spring rolls are always a good place to start in Vietnamese restaurants; they are relatively simple and straightforward and—to borrow from the late Johnnie Cochran—if the roll ain’t right, you must take flight. Well, the spring rolls here ($3.75) are excellent: two opaque rice paper wraps encasing steamed shrimp, roasted pork, rice vermicelli noodles, lettuce and bean sprouts served with a sweet and salty dipping sauce of soy, fish sauce, sugar, shredded carrot, onion and chopped peanuts.

Another interesting starter—although

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24 | MARCH 30, 2017

FOOD MATTERS

Tradition...

Tradition

BY TED SCHEFFLER

Expand your perspective

TIM OSTLER

@critic1

Broaden your vision

Spring Skiing and S’mores Let your palate roam

60 East 800 South, Salt Lake City, UT (385) 528-3675 www.theeklektik.com

As part of its 10th annual Spring Grüv festivities, Park City Mountain Resort (parkcitymountain.com) hosts weekend s’mores making at 3 p.m. each Saturday and Sunday through April 8. After a fun day of spring skiing, head down to the fire pit on the Umbrella Bar deck in the Canyons Village, where complimentary ingredients to make the perfect s’mores are provided. Other events include free concerts, kids’ face painting at PayDay Pizza, DJ Velvet at the Umbrella Bar, meet-and-greets with search-andrescue dogs and more.

@

2005 E. 2700 SOUTH, SLC Best of Utah FELDMANSDELI.COM 2015 FELDMANSDELI OPEN TUES - SAT TO GO ORDERS: (801) 906-0369

Spice Up Thursdays

Spice Kitchen Incubator, a project of the International Rescue Committee in partnership with Salt Lake County, now offers pick-up-and-go take-out dinners each Thursday with Spice To Go. A different chef and dinner is featured each week, with an array of international cuisines from purveyors such as Spudnik, Jamaica’s Kitchen and Mother of All. For more information, visit spicekitchenincubator.org

Pinot Pioneer

Well-respected and perhaps best known as a pioneer of American pinot noir, Rick Longoria (longoriawine.com) actually makes 14 different wines. Well, April 13 is a lucky day for connoisseurs as he hosts a wine dinner with sommelier Louis Koppel and the good folks at BTG Wine Bar (63 W. 100 South, SLC, btgwinebar.com).

Featured Longoria wines include Clover Creek Vineyard Albariño (only 70 cases produced), Cuvée Diana chardonnay (named for Longoria’s wife and winery partner), fresh and vibrant Lovely Rita pinot noir (from the hills of Santa Rita) and, one of my favorites, Blues Cuvée—a proprietary red blend based on cabernet franc, cabernet sauvignon, merlot and syrah. The wines are paired with specially selected food courses; dinner begins at 7 p.m. The cost per person is $31 for the (optional) wine pairings and $29 for food. Call 801-359-2814 for reserved seating, which is limited.

2991 E. 3300 S. | 385.528.0181

Award Winning Donuts

Quote of the week: “Ice cream unleashes the uninhibited 8-year-old’s sensual greed that lurks within the best of us.”

—Gael Greene Send tips to: tscheffler@cityweekly.net

705 S. 700 E. | (801) 537-1433

authentic Mexican Food & cantina celebrating 20 years

255 Main St • Park City Treasure Mountain Inn (Top of Main)

801-533-8900

435-649-3097

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165 S. West Temple • SLC Below Benihana and across from the Salt Palace

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18 MARKET STREET • 801.519.9595

MARCH 30, 2017 | 25

LUNCH • DINNER • COCKTAILS

| CITY WEEKLY |

Dining

Contemporary Japanese

Vietnam by the Glass

Vietnamese cobra wine, salted limeade, sea horse whiskey and more.

BY TED SCHEFFLER tscheffler@cityweekly.net @critic1

W

hen I was in graduate school in New York City, one of my colleagues hailed from Vietnam, and he introduced me to an exotic world (to me, anyway) of flavors and aromas that I’d never previously experienced. That included beverages I’d never encountered, too—both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.

Some were enjoyed at innocent mom-andpop cafés, others in unmarked and sketchy after-hours haunts where gambling, imbibing and other activities occurred. I was working on a Ph.D. in anthropology, so I chalked my forays up to “research.” The wall-sized photo of Ho Chi Minh City at Pho Saigon Noodle House 2 (see p. 23) got me

thinking about drinking, Vietnam-style.

I am not a coffee drinker. I like to say it’s one of the few vices—the other being smoking—that I never acquired. However, if I were to indulge, it’s Vietnamese coffee I’d sip—specifically, what’s known as Hanoi egg coffee, or cà phê trúng. According to historians, it was created by Nguyen Giang—a bartender at the posh Sofitel Legend Metropole hotel in the late 1940s, when Vietnam was still under French colonial rule. It’s said that egg coffee was a creation born of necessity, at a time when condensed milk was hard to come by. The yolk is whisked together with sugar, milk and Robusta coffee, then poured into a cup, which is placed in a bowl of hot water to help retain its heat (although it can also be served cold). It’s frothy, sweet and bitter and makes for a meal of a drink, but a delicious one.

Fellow foodie and City Weekly contributor Amanda Rock raves about the salted lime limeade with plum at Pho Saigon. It’s a popular beverage in Vietnam. It begins with salted, pickled limes called chanh muôi, wherein Key limes—lemons are sometimes also used—and rock salt are packed into glass canisters and left in the sun to pickle. To make the limeade, pickled lime is muddled in a glass, then sugar, carbonated water or soda and (sometimes) preserved plum is added.

DRINK

As for adult beverages, Vietnam’s infamous rice wine weighs in at around 30 percent alcohol; keep in mind that most Western non-sparkling wine runs around 11-15 percent. It’s a potent, fiery and traditionally macho beverage that tends to be consumed in social settings with barbecued or grilled meats, including seafood and spicy squid jerky.

Still not adventurous enough for you? If you tend to eschew the plum wine offered in many Asian restaurants, and are in the market for something a little more robust and hearty, try cobra wine. Throughout China, Vietnam and Southeast Asia, venomous snakes are steeped in grain alcohol or rice wine, and the result is said to contain medicinal qualities. Good news though: The snake venom is denatured by the ethanol in the wine, so you won’t die, though you might wish you had.

Beer is the favored alcoholic drink in Vietnam, but their brews are hard to find here. Most of the popular ones—like 333, Saigon Lager, Castel and Saigon Export— tend to be a bit thin and watery. That’s probably a good thing, given that there is no minimum drinking age there. You can use it to wash down a shot of sea horse whiskey. It’s 37 percent ABV, infused with farmraised sea horse and is reputed to have aphrodisiacal effects. Hey, who wouldn’t be frisky after drinking sea horse? CW

26 | MARCH 30, 2017

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BEER, WINE & SPIRITS

AWARD WINNING INDIAN CUISINE

INDIAPALACEUTAH.COM 1086 WEST SOUTH JORDAN PARKWAY (10500 S.) #111 | 801.302.0777

AUTHENTIC GERMAN

CUISINE & MARKET

GOODEATS Complete listings at cityweekly.net

AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD & Fresh Nayarit Style Seafood

Featuring dining destinations from buffets and rooms with a view to mom-and-pop joints, chic cuisine and some of our dining critic’s faves.

BEST REUBEN

Mi Lindo

Potbelly Sandwich Shop

BEST SCHNITZEL with SPAETZLE

145 E. 1300 S.

Here, the motto is “Fresh. Fast. Friendly.” That’s exactly what you’ll get at this SLC sandwich stop, which serves up hot and steamy creations, including their signature “A Wreck” sandwich, with salami, roast beef, turkey, ham and Swiss cheese. Aside from delicious sandwiches, they also dish up fresh Mediterranean salad (grilled chicken, chickpeas, red peppers and feta) as well as savory soups and hearty chili. Multiple locations, potbelly.com

Nayarit 

#303



801.908.5727

Stanza Italian Bistro & Wine Bar

BEST SAUSAGES

Siegfried’s Deli Open M-W 9am-6pm Th-Sat: 9am-9pm

20 W. 200 S. • (801) 355-3891

Serving American Comfort Food Since 1930

Yellowfinn

Located in the Commons at Sugar House, Yellowfinn serves an eclectic array of Asian and international cuisines. The main draw, however, is professionally prepared sushi and sashimi. Also on the menu are sliders, wings and salads. Be sure to stop in for “hammertime specials,” featuring discounted rolls, appetizers, sake and Sapporo beer, served up in a cozy, contemporary ambiance. 1166 E. 2100 South, Salt Lake City, 801-466-2600, yellowfinnsushi.com

BRING THE FAMILY UP EMIGRATION CANYON THIS WINTER

Yogurtland

★★★★★

Boasted as “the place where you can make a bad day good and a good day great,” Yogurtland offers fro-yo made with organic, creamy California milk.

Top it off with just about anything you can think of—sprinkles, chocolate, caramel, candy and more.

No gluten? No problem. Multiple locations, yogurt-land.com SALT LAKE'S AWARD WINNING INDIAN CUISINE RESERVE OUR BANQUET HALL FOR YOUR EVENT!

SANDY LOCATION

4160 EMIGRATION CANYON ROAD 801 582-5807 | WWW.RUTHSDINER.COM

F ALL F O 50% LLS O R I& SUSHD AY E V E R Y D AY !

RAMEN SHOP

ALL

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since 1990

NOW OPEN AT

-Creekside Patio -87 Years and Going Strong -Breakfast served daily until 4pm -Delicious Mimosas & Bloody Marys -Gift Cards for sale in diner or online

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STORE

AS SEEN ON “ DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES”

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Serving Imported Beers & Wine

Created by the same people behind the LaSalle and Trio restaurant groups, Stanza Italian Bistro & Wine Bar is an upscale and stunning re-envisionment of Faustina in the same location. The contemporary menu is rooted in Italian classics and is complimented by the ultramodern interior. The octopus and lamb carpaccio on the small-plates menu is superb, as well as the traditional gnocchi (with green garlic pesto, peas and asparagus) from the pasta section. For dessert, the port ice cream is sensational. 454 E. 300 South, Salt Lake City, 801-746-4441, stanzaslc.com

JOIN US FOR DINNER!!!

Mon-Thurs 11-10 Friday 11-11 Saturday 12-11 Sunday 12-9

Lunch Buffet mon-sat

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1659 W. North Temple, Salt Lake City (inside the RAMADA INN) PLENTY OF FREE PARKING

801-363-7555 - We Deliver!

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AND ASIAN GRILL

9000 S 109 W , SANDY & 3424 S State St 801.566.0721 • 801.251.0682 ichibansushiut.com

MARCH 30, 2017 | 27

7 days a week

A sampler of Ted Scheffler’s reviews

Poke tuna rice bowl Tonkotsu

As you’d expect from a place called Tonkotsu, tonkotsu-style ramen—where flavors are derived primarily from pork bones and their broth—is the house specialty at this West Valley City restaurant. Before diving into the noodles, you might want to enjoy an appetizer, like the Yaki Trio—three yakitori skewers of pork, chicken and beef marinated in a sweet barbecue sauce and grilled. Along with ramen, Tonkotsu features a selection of rice bowls, including a not-so-Japanese poke tuna option, where raw sashimi-grade ahi tuna is marinated in a Hawaiian-style, soy-based poke sauce. Ramen choices include standard ones such as miso, shio, shoyu, vegetable miso and curry. There are also less routine versions like tantanmen—a Chinese-inspired ramen with chile-black bean paste, spicy chicken broth, ground pork and bok choy. The tonkotsu was my favorite—the light, clean-tasting pork broth was spot-on, seasoned judiciously with shoyu and served with a large braised pork belly chashu, menma (fried bamboo shoot condiment), fried burdock root, nori, scallions, bean sprouts and marinated soft boiled egg. Underneath it all were the nicely cooked egg noodles. All in all, a very satisfying ramen experience. Reviewed March 2. 1898 W. 3500 South, West Valley City, 385-202-5241, tonkotsu.us

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28 | MARCH 30, 2017

TED SCHEFFLER

REVIEW BITES

The

Chakra Lounge and Bar

BREAKFAST and LUNCH

Indian Style Tapas

From the Creators of The Himalayan Kitchen Next to Himalayan Kitchen

served

ChakraLounge.net 364 S State St. Salt Lake City

 Established 2004 

ALL DAY!

D I N I N G · B E S T O F U TA H · N I G H T L I F E A C T I V I T I E S · W E L L N E S S · S E R V I C E S H O T E L S & T R AV E L · R E C R E AT I O N · R E TA I L · T I C k E T S W/ L O W O R N O F E E S

694 East Union Square, SANDY

801-572-5148 | 7 Days a Week | 7am - 3pm cityweeklystore.com

brittonsrestaurant.com

FILM REVIEW

Brexit-stential Blues

CINEMA

T2 revisits Trainspotting 20 years later, in a more complicated world.

BY MARYANN JOHANSON comments@cityweekly.net @maryannjohanson

“C

Ewen Bremner, Ewan McGregor, Jonny Lee Miller and Robert Carlyle in T2: Trainspotting EU development money for a rather shady improvement to his pub. There’s a Euro cheeriness to T2, and a definite smack at those who cling to ancient, local identities, like the members of a social club who can’t let go of a military victory that happened in 1690, and whom Mark and Simon are able to rip-off because they are so predictable in their singlemindedness.

Mark’s got a new “choose life” speech here, and it’s all about the brutality of social media and the crushing horribleness of the economy. But there’s nothing nostalgic, no yearning for the past, and when it seems as if Mark is about to descend into sentimentality over his return home, Simon warns him to snap out of it: “You’re a tourist in your own youth,” Simon moans in such a way as to suggest that this is not a good idea.

There might be a lot of rage against the reality of Brexit and Trump, but there’s no suggestion of going backward—only forward and through. CW

T2: TRAINSPOTTING

| CITY WEEKLY |

BBB Ewan McGregor Jonny Lee Miller Robert Carlyle Rated R

TRY THESE A Life Less Ordinary (1997) Ewan McGregor Cameron Diaz Rated R

28 Days Later…

(2003) Cillian Murphy Naomie Harris Rated R

Slumdog Millionaire (2008) Dev Patel Freida Pinto Rated R

MARCH 30, 2017 | 29

Trainspotting (1996) Ewan McGregor Robert Carlyle Rated R

| MUSIC | CINEMA | DINING | A&E | NEWS |

felonies, a bit of drug use (though not much; Mark is mostly addicted to exercise these days) and some traditional male bonding (or re-bonding, in this case). It’s inevitably less shocking than Trainspotting was, partly because its characters are older, a tad wiser and too worn-out by living on the edge to do that anymore.

We’re no longer surprised by Boyle’s genius; Trainspotting was only his second feature, and we now know what to expect from him. Of course, he is a master, and T2 is visually stirring and exciting. One particularly heart-wrenching image lets a shadow on a wall emphasize the hole that the death of Mark’s mother left on his little family and childhood home.

But the most intriguing aspects of T2 are thematic, in the passage of time not only for these characters but for the world. The film was shot last summer, after the Brexit vote and after Donald Trump had secured the Republican presidental nomination, and it can’t help but score zingers on the same forces of cultural retreat and retrenchment that have driven these connected realities.

(T2 is very British, but it will resonate with Americans, too.)

Mark arrives back in Edinburgh to find a very different city from 1996, all Starbucks and pretty, young Eastern European things handing out brochures in tiny tartan skirts. He’s amused by this—Amsterdam had been much the same—and later he gets involved in a scam with Simon to get some

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

hoose life,” Mark Renton suggested back in Danny Boyle’s original 1996 Trainspotting.

The Edinburgh heroin addict’s advice was ironic, of course—he was courting death. But he was also rebelling against a life of conformity and consumerism.

Trainspotting hardly romanticized drug addiction—the film’s depiction of the ravages of smack are mostly disgusting (sometimes hilariously so) and often horrifying—but there was a certain defiance, a certain choosing to live on one’s own terms, in Mark’s refusal to sleepwalk into doing the expected. That came to the fore in the film’s ending, when he walked away from his friends with the gym bag full of money they’d all just scammed their way into. Nasty, perhaps. Uncool to his friends, definitely. But what a choice.

Turns out, being a heroin addict/thief was going to be the high point of Mark’s life. You thought the 1990s were awful? Welcome to the 2010s. Whatever sparse, cold satisfaction might have been wrung from Trainspotting’s punk insolence is gone from T2, replaced with an exhausted, bitter cynicism that barely has any tolerance for melancholy and even less room for sympathy.

It’s today in T2, and Mark (Ewan McGregor), fleeing a failed marriage, returns from an extended sojourn in Amsterdam to discover that Simon (Jonny Lee Miller)— aka Sick Boy—is landlord of a rundown pub; Begbie (Robert Carlyle) is in prison; and Spud (Ewen Bremner) is still a junkie.

None of them are very happy to see Mark, and indeed his motive in turning up seems to be more akin to a pendulum swinging inevitably back to its starting point than any genuine desire to see his old friends.

What happens from there includes more

CINEMA CLIPS MOVIE TIMES AND LOCATIONS AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

Information is correct as of press time. Film release schedules are subject to change.

THE BOSS BABY BBB For anyone who didn’t understand Toy Story’s metaphor the first time around, Marla Frazee’s picture book becomes a more literal interpretation that still manages to be fairly charming.

Imaginative 7-year-old Tim (Miles Christopher Bakshi) is content with his life as a beloved only child, until it’s turned upsidedown by the arrival of a new baby (Alec Baldwin)—whom he sees as a tiny, demanding executive in a suit and tie. The parents see the baby that way, too, which muddles things a bit, and it is essentially a retread of the Woody/Buzz sibling jealousy dynamic played out in another broad adventure; Boss Baby even compares Tim to an “old toy” and describes himself as “the hot new thing.”

But director Tom McGrath (the Madagascar series) offers up plenty of engaging world-building, including a Rube Goldbergesque heavenly factory floor for baby delivery, binkies that send the users on vision quests and pop-culture nods to everything from Raiders of the Lost Ark to Mojo Nixon. The lively sense of humor keeps churning along, enough to distract you from the “old toy” embedded in this hot new thing. Opens March 31 at theaters valleywide. (PG)—Scott Renshaw GHOST IN THE SHELL [not yet reviewed] A dying human (Scarlett Johansson) is cyber-enhanced to become a super-soldier. Opens March 31 at theaters valleywide. (PG-13)

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

PERSONAL SHOPPER BBB Plenty of writing on writer/director Olivier Assayas’ latest collaboration with Kristen Stewart (after 2014’s Clouds of Sils Maria) suggests that it’s about grief, but it seems just as possible to see it as mostly about fear. Both interpretations work for Assayas’ slippery sui generis story, in which an American would-be artist named Maureen (Stewart), working Paris as personal assistant to a high-maintenance socialite, begins to believe that she’s receiving communication from her recently deceased twin brother. There’s no question that something supernatural is going on; Assayas includes literal apparitions in a story that tangles up psychological drama with ghostly horror and crime thriller. It’s a bumpy ride with odd false

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30 | MARCH 30, 2017

NEW THIS WEEK

climaxes, sparked by occasional sequences in which text messages provide an improbable jolt of tension. But Stewart’s performance, playing on her unique mix of strength and tentativeness, carries the story through its ambiguities and unevenness. The pain of coping with a loved one’s tragic death certainly resonates, though that might not be as potent as the need to believe in a happy afterlife because of what it means to one’s own mortality. Opens March 31 at Broadway Centre Cinemas. (R)—SR T2: TRAINSPOTTING BBB See review on p. 29. Opens March 31 at Broadway Centre Cinemas. (R) THE ZOOKEEPER’S WIFE BB.5 Intrinsic to any Holocaust-themed film is the precarious balancing act between the magnitude of the historical tragedy and an individual narrative that can hook a viewer. Director Niki Caro and screenwriter Angela Workman adapt Diane Ackerman’s non-fiction book, making it almost entirely about Antonina Žabinski (Jessica Chastain), who assisted her husband Jan (Johan Heldenbergh) in running the Warsaw Zoo circa 1939, before eventually turning it into a sanctuary for Polish Jews during the German occupation.

Caro offers some of the fascinating details that made Ackerman’s book, including the underground assembly line for smuggling Jews out of the Warsaw ghetto and eventually out of the country, while Chastain effectively captures the compassion for all living things central to Antonina’s actions. But the story comes to focus on her interactions with Lutz Heck, the Nazi head of the Berlin Zoo (Daniel Brühl), and Jan’s petty jealousy as he observes Heck’s attentions to Antonina. The problems of two people, hill of beans, etc., yet somehow the big picture of the lives the Žabinskis saved gets obscured by taking the book’s deceptive title at face value. Opens March 31 at theaters valleywide. (R)—SR

SPECIAL SCREENINGS 1984 At Tower Theatre, April 4, 7 p.m. (R) THE BIG LEBOWSKI At Marmalade Library, March 30, 6 p.m. (R) FANNY’S JOURNEY At Main Library, April 1, 11 a.m.; April 2, 2 p.m. (NR)

A PLASTIC OCEAN At Main Library, April 4, 7 p.m. (NR)

TONI ERDMANN At Park City Film Series, March 31-April 1, 8 p.m.; April 2, 6 p.m. (R)

CURRENT RELEASES

LIFE BB.5 In this Alien-lite science-fiction thriller, six crew members on the International Space Station (including Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds and Rebecca Ferguson) face the threat of a strange, hostile life form recovered from Mars. It’s hard to completely ruin the creature-in-an-enclosed space premise, and director Daniel Espinosa offers up at least a few genuinely tense, unsettling scenes. But the central dilemma—maintaining containment protocols—feels too abstract, especially when the characters are given between zero and one character traits each. And the starfish-shaped CGI antagonist never becomes the kind of thing of which real movie nightmares are made. H.R. Giger’s Alien xenomorph might be a hard act to follow, but if a movie is built around people trying to avoid a deadly something, it’s pretty important that the audience’s response to it is, “AAAAAAGGHHH” rather than, “Huh, that’s weird.” (R)—SR

POWER RANGERS BB Here’s the Batman Begins of this franchise, the gritty reboot that tells our heroes’ improbably lengthy and self-serious origin story.

The new film is more real-world than the cheap ’90s kids’ TV show it’s based on, including a campfire scene of Power Ranger soul-baring. But the uncomplicated plot, undemanding stunt work, unconvincing special effects and unpolished acting are reminders of its cheesy, simple-minded roots. Five high-school students representing basic Breakfast Club types stumble upon ancient coins that give them super strength. Subsequently, a robot tells them they’re the Power Rangers, and they have to stop the evil Rita Repulsa from getting the magic crystal that will destroy Earth, etc. You know the routine. It’s 90 minutes before the team morphs into their costumes—and not a tight 90, either. (PG-13)—Eric D. Snider

RAW BBB.5 Writer/director Julia Ducournau opens with young Justine (Garance Marillier) getting dropped off for veterinary school, joining her older sister (Ella Rumpf). But through the hazing of firstyear students, Justine discovers she might not be quite as committed a vegetarian as her parents—and that she might have a taste for meat beyond that of animals. Ducournau isn’t timid about leaning into her gory, provocative premise, yet along the way, she taps into a genuinely intriguing exploration of a girl raised in an environment of militant abstinence who finds herself ill-equipped to control her appetites. Raw might not stick the landing of other horror films with a message, ending with a moment that’s not the sucker-punch Ducournau seems to think it is. It’s satisfying enough that she finds a darkly effective way to put the carne in carnal desire. (R)—SR

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Locked-Up Abroad

TV

Golden Sombrero Wild Pitch Baltimore Chop

Prison Break returns for another escape; Brockmire hits the strike zone.

Prison Break Tuesday, April 4 (Fox)

Return: Make that Prison Break: Resurrection, because the “dead” Michael Scofield (Wentworth Miller) is actually alive in another prison—this time in Yemen, like that matters. The original 2005-09 run of Fox’s Prison Break was a cultural phenomenon for a hot minute, but the story of blueprint-tattooed Michael springing his wrongfully convicted brother Lincoln Burrows (Dominic Purcell) from jail held up surprisingly well over four seasons, thanks to a colorful supporting cast and ri-dic-u-lous plot twists. Sara (Sarah Wayne Callies), Sucre (Amaury Nolasco), C-Note (Rockmond Dunbar) and the unforgettable T-Bag (Robert Knepper) rejoin the Buzzcut Bros. for this nine-episode international Break-out event; best if you don’t think too hard.

Schitt’s Creek Wednesday, April 5 (Pop)

Season Finale: Speaking of you kids and your viewing habits: Schitt’s Creek is not a Netflix show! It’s been originating from Pop since 2015; since no one knows what or where the hell Pop is, however, this can be forgiven. Three seasons in, it’s cool to see comedy veterans like Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara and Chris Elliott on a successful series,

no matter how it’s being found. Like Arrested Development writ Canadian, Schitt’s Creek pits dumb ex-wealthy folk against small-town not-quite-hicks with hilarious results, even if the plot doesn’t add up: Johnnie and Moira Rose (Levy and O’Hara) are now forced to live in a hotel in the town of Schitt’s Creek, which they purchased as an impulsive joke decades ago. Ever tried to buy a town? Not easy.

Archer Wednesday, April 5 (FXX)

Season Premiere: You might recall that, at the end of Season 7 last year, Sterling Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) was full of bullets, face-down in a swimming pool and presumed dead. But! In cartoons and Prison Break, death fakeouts are a thing: Archer’s now in a coma, and Season 8 is a 1940s Hollywood-noir-themed dream—it’s also only eight episodes long, and relocated from FX to FXX (which isn’t the literal TV death sentence it used to be, so relax).

Only Archer could top the ultimate crime-noir comedy, 1982’s Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (Steve Martin’s greatest achievement, BTW), just don’t expect much deviation from the series’ usual abusive banter (thankfully).

Prison Break (Fox)

Brockmire Wednesday, April 5 (IFC)

Series Debut: Like Kenny Fucking Powers in the late Eastbound & Down, Jim Brockmire (Hank Azaria) yearns to return to Major League Baseball after a spectacular career meltdown. Unlike KFP, he’s on the other side of the announcer’s booth. In Brockmire, Azaria has found a cartoonish character to rival the 800 he voices on The Simpsons, an old-school sportscaster full of hysterically dark asides (“I don’t drink … hard liquor … between the hours of 6 and 11 a.m.”), now reduced to calling minor-league ball for the Morristown Frackers. The team’s owner, Jules (Amanda Peet), is no ray of sober sunshine, either—hence, adversarial love interest. Brockmire has all the markings of a one-season-and-done oddity (as do most IFC shows not set in Portland), but it’s a … oh, the hackery! … home run.

Listen to Frost Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96 Radio From Hell, and on the TV Tan podcast via Stitcher, iTunes, Google Play and billfrost.tv.

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Season Finale: Is Season 6 the end for New Girl? Fox has yet to come to a decision, and tonight’s season finale could easily serve as a series finale for the comedy. Zooey Deschanel (who plays “New Girl” Jess) could not be reached for comment, as she was busy plucking turn-of-the-century tunes on a ukulele at a nearby farmers market. With well over 100 episodes of reruns available on TBS and MTV, as well as Netflix, Hulu and whatever else you kids are watching “content” on, we probably have enough New Girl. The quality of laughs remained consistent to the end, and has even delivered some late-run surprises: Megan Fox can be funny; Cece (Hannah Simone) has an endless cache of eyerolls; Schmidt (Max Greenfield) … still works.

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RANDY HARWARD

CONCERT PREVIEW

You too can stay forever young with 90s Television.

BY RANDY HARWARD rharward@cityweekly.net

A

t a distance, the members of 90s Television look like children playing on the Gallivan Center’s southern steps.

Although guitarist/multi-instrumentalist Victor Blandon wears a plastic crown and a Simpsons tee, and drummer Jeremy Devine sports a shirt by underground comics artist Nathan Ward depicting a burly, be-gloved roast turkey, they’re not running around like kids are wont to do on giant steps. They’re sitting still, even reclining. Plus, where would a bunch of kids get a 12-string Aria acoustic, a tobacco sunburst Epiphone ES-335 hollowbody with a portable Blackstar amp and a Yamaha keyboard?

They didn’t have to bring that stuff. That’s 90s Television for you: always ready to give you a show.

I’d tried to see them once before back in July at Kilby Court, where they were opening for David Liebe Hart of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! fame. I missed their set by minutes because, manchild that I am, I just had to get Hart’s autograph on a Garbage Pail Kid sticker, and one of his popular five-minute custom Sharpie sketches, which really slowed down the queue. All I heard of the band that night were muddy snippets coming from Kilby’s cramped main room, and (I thought) unrelated chatter about toys and stuffed animals. “We went all out for that one,” Blandon says. Knowing now what 90s Television is all about, his words trigger a pang of regret.

Then last January, The Nods couldn’t make their opening slot for Koala Temple’s reunion gig at The Urban Lounge. Since 90s Television’s bassist Craig Michael Murray and singer-guitarist Josh Brown happen to reverse roles in KT, and Devine—who beats skins for The Nods—was on hand, I got a second shot at checking out some (here’s a ’90s reference for ya) must-see TV. While first band Muzzle Tung loaded out and “90s,” as they call themselves, loaded in, I hit the Urban’s back patio. Maybe 20 minutes later, I walked back inside to see, as I wrote in a subsequent review: “[T]he stage is dressed in colorful plush and props: a Fraggle, a baby mask, an E.T. whose raised finger looks more defiant than healing, a Christmas tree, a jack-o’-lantern, a giant twodimensional Easter egg. And something that resembles a nextlevel Guitar Hero controller. It’s weird. I love weird, and I really love all four of 90s Television’s albums, so full of hooky, well-smithed songs that check some of my favorite musical flavors: power pop, dream pop, psych and surf. I’m sucked in …”

The band had placed their toys just so, demonstrating a childlike yet calculated mise-en-scène. When they played, musical references—Dwight Twilley power pop, Beatles psychedelia, Donovan psych-folk, Playing With Fire-era Spacemen 3, Tall Dwarfs lo-fi indie rock—swirled around, but not together with, the visual ones. I couldn’t reconcile them then. I still can’t, but I still try here on the staircase because it seems as though there should be some deep socio- or psychological significance to glean from this tornado of old-guy music and kid stuff. As humans, we seek explanations, but we don’t always need them.

The members of 90s Television agree on one thing: “They don’t really go together,” Brown says. For their part, there is no logic

Left to right: Craig Michael Murray, Josh Brown, Victor Blandon and Jeremy Devine. behind the juxtaposition of these sounds and images. It’s just fun.

They don’t even go to such lengths every time. Some shows have more set dressing, some have less and “sometimes it’s just us,” Brown adds. At times they discuss whether they should stop with the kid stuff, that maybe it detracts from the music. But they still do it.

There is some discussion among us about certain bands, like Kiss, whose music might not hold up if they didn’t have the visual aspect, the show. For what it’s worth, 90s Television isn’t one of those bands (although they did semi-sardonically adopt alter egos and superpowers like Kiss). Brown’s been writing songs since high school in Provo. That’s where he met fellow Beatles nut and songwriter Blandon, although Brown wrote, performed and recorded the “band’s” first album, Raw Justice (2010), alone. Then the two paired up, enlisting Murray a few years later, and Devine about a year ago.

From Raw Justice through Going Blonde (2012), Small Pumpkin (2013) and Bad 4 the Tooth (2014) and last year’s single “Karmakazi,” the band has made some of the coolest, cleverest, most honest and fun music in Salt Lake City. And seemingly without effort.

They’re just being who they are: four 20-something dudes with keen senses of humor and style.

Something else I wrote about that January performance: “This is why we go to rock shows—to escape.” Maybe that’s the nexus between young and old with 90s Television—they capture what it’s like to be forever young. CW

90S TELEVISION

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MUSIC

CONCERT PREVIEW

20 Years a Slave

After two decades of suffering under robot overlords, Captured! By Robots’ JBOT takes control.

J

BOT is pissed. You’d be, too, if the robot bandmates you’d constructed ripped out your guts and eyes, then forced you to go on the road with them for 20 years, playing their music and listening to them degrade the human race. Or so goes the story of Captured! By Robots, the band created by Jay Vance, JBOT’s human alter ego.

Vance is also pissed. You’d be, too, if you’d painted yourself into a creative corner for the better part of two decades and now had to fight your way out. This, while the human race—’Murica chapter—is ripping up the Constitution and doing its best to degrade itself.

While driving through circuitous East Coast mountain roads, Vance says he typically declines interviews aiming to explore the gimmickry or novelty behind C!BR, “… but it’s actually been on my mind a lot, lately, because we’ve changed to much.”

It’s novel, Vance using the pronoun “we” to describe C!BR, which consists only of himself and automatons he controls: GTRBOT666 plays guitar and bass; and DRMBOT 0110 plays—you guessed it—drums. Yet, as benevolent creators do, Vance gave them identities. It feels right to say, “We broke up about three years ago.”

This was to the displeasure of C!BR’s fans, who’d come to enjoy the band’s comedic concerts, which were something along the lines of a Mystery Science Grindhouse Theater 5000, if you will. Vance’s contraptions are a sight to behold—even more so when you realize they actually play their instruments. The technological smarts behind that are amazing enough, but Vance

CRYPT KEEPER

BY RANDY HARWARD rharward@cityweekly.net

wasn’t just up there singing in front of his creations; each album/tour was hilarious and incisive. But there comes a time when it does start to seem like shtick.

“You can never get rid of the novelty idea, if you’re a band of robots,” Vance says. “But I wanted to minimize that novelty, kind of, and just do the kind of music I wanted, and just disregard the novel aspect of it.” He points to bands like the McDonald’s-themed Black Sabbath tribute act Mac Sabbath and Okilly Dokilly, the metal band where the members all look, dress and act like The Simpsons’ Ned Flanders—and whose lyrics are pure Flanders-isms. “They’re doing quite well, write-your-own-ticket shit, but just because they’re gimmicky or novelty, you know? With nothing—or very little—in the music,” the frontman says.

Wait a second. It seems like the guy who conceived, constructed and toured as a band of robots is about to say, “It’s supposed to be about the music!” And he is, just not verbatim. “I can’t fault the other bands,” Vance says, “because I was guilty of it for a long time, when our music was very bad and novelty and all that.” But that doesn’t mean he wants to be remembered for gimmickry. Or that he doesn’t have something to say, or the desire to be taken seriously. And like anyone who’s taken a wrong turn— such as C!BR’s Wedding Tour, where he fell into playing covers like Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”—he wants to course-correct. At that point, he says, “it becomes very gimmicky and you lose something of yourself in the act.”

Jay Vance, aka JBOT

Nowadays, Captured! By Robots dials back the old act and—instead of the nerdy alt-rock/punk of its past—plays heavier, original, overtly political grindcore metal. “That’s what I’m into,” Vance says. He’s still pissed off, but he gets to vent it onstage through guttural invective,. This iteration of C!BR makes him proud. “I’d put us up against any human metal or grindcore band and we are at least equal—sometimes better,” he says. “It blows me away every night. It’s not good to be smiling at a grindcore show, but I’ll tell you what: I’m smiling every fucking night when I look at these guys. ’Cause I’m blown away. I can’t believe how amazing it feels.” CW

CAPTURED! BY ROBOTS

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COMPLETE LISTINGS ONLINE AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

BY BILL KOPP, BRIAN STAKER & LEE ZIMMERMAN

THURSDAY 3/30

Regina Spektor

Even by pop-music standards, Regina Spektor has a most unusual backstory. A young émigré fleeing persecution in post-

Regina Spektor

Modern English quite subtle use of tape loops and repetitive segments and a fascination with the mysticism of Mayan culture. After moving their base of operations to Santa Cruz, Calif., in 2000, the group has toured incessantly, allowing them to both polish their sound and build an incredibly loyal fanbase that follows them from festival to festival. The title of their new release, The Universe Inside (1320 Records), suggests the spiritual unity of a tribe, the cosmic vision they aspire to, and the immense variety of their musical palette. The band also partakes in social activism for causes like food drives, Hurricane Katrina victims and renewable energy. (BS) Park City Live, 427 Main, 8 p.m. (doors), $45$140, 21+, parkcitylive.net

»

STS9

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STS9

MARCH 30, 2017 | 35

SHERVIN LAINEZ

STS9

Dub-psych unit Sound Tribe Sector 9, emanating from Georgia in the late ‘90s, quickly abbreviated their name to STS9— being, you know, into the whole brevity thing. Their initial release, Interplanetary Escape Vehicle (1998), was a preliminary foray into funk and jazz that didn’t do much to presage their transformation into a mixture of jam-band and hip-hop rhythms, drum-and-bass, psychedelia, a

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FRIDAY 3/31

Soviet Russia, Spektor settled with her parents in New York City when she was 9 years old. Her classical piano studies continued at a conservatory, and she selfreleased her debut album 11:11 at age 21. Six years later, she had earned prominent billing at the 2007 Bonnaroo Festival, playing in front of a massive audience. Now with seven studio albums and two live discs to her name, Spektor is firmly established as a singer-songwriter. She has performed at the White House, and recently ventured into film and TV work with a cover of The Beatles’ “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” for Kubo and the Two Strings and “You’ve Got Time,” her punky theme song for the smash Netflix show Orange Is the New Black. Spektor also supports a number of charities, including HIAS, the organization that helped her family settle in the U.S. in 1989. Returning to the road after a four-year hiatus following the birth of her first child, Spektor is touring in support of 2016’s Remember Us to Life (Warner/Sire).

(Bill Kopp) The Great Saltair, 12408 West Saltair Drive, 7 p.m., $31.50-$33, thesaltair.com

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Music history quiz: What popular British new wave/post-punk band began life as The Lepers? Modern English! (Did the header give it away?) But did you know that, as The Lepers, the English band’s sound had more in common with post-punk gloom merchants Joy Division than the sunny synth-pop heard on Modern English’s 1982 hit “I Melt With You,” which made them a flagship band of the ’80s, a time when the Union Jack again ruled the musical world. You’ve no doubt heard the song on the radio—or at least in the ubiquitous Burger King (original version) and Hershey’s (twee cover version) TV ads. Their first few albums, from 1981’s Mesh and Lace through 1982’s After the Snow and 1984’s Ricochet Days (all on 4AD), charted on both sides of the Atlantic and helped define a slick, danceable sound. After the inevitable ’90s breakup and recent reunion, 2017 finds the group touting a new album, their eighth: Take Me to the Trees (Kartel Music Group), comprised of songs both dark and sunny, which sound as though they were written and recorded 30 years ago. That’s a good thing, and this show represents a chance to melt with Modern English all over again (BYO cheeseburgers and chocolate bars).

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AC Newman (The New Pornographers), Aaron Freeman (Ween) and Rich Robinson (Black Crowes)—often plays the role of a giddy cheerleader, and even when he ventures into darker realms, he effectively compensates through sheer effort and enthusiasm. Ace singer-songwriter Jackie Greene shares the bill, bringing with him a career that stretches back 17 years and includes stints with Joan Osborne, the Black Crowes and a notable pair of Grateful Dead offshoots: Phil Lesh and Friends and SRW, an acoustic trio with Bob Weir and the Crowes’ Chris Robinson. Here again, Greene keeps good company. (Lee Zimmerman) The State Room, 638 S. State, 8 p.m., $25, 21+, thestateroomslc.com

Mandolin Orange, Eli West

CULT LEADER KHEMMIS JAYE JAYLE

TOM BENNETT

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APR 02: OATHBREAKER

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Pianist, composer, producer and founder of the Royal Potato Family record label, Marco Benevento is often found working behind the scenes or in collaboration with others. However, among those who frequent New York’s experimental music scene, he boasts a growing reputation for bending the boundaries between traditional jazz, electronica and trance. Yet, while his music might not fit neatly into any one of those particular boxes, his aural tapestries incorporate elements of each.

The unifying factor is a steady, infectious groove that sweeps listeners along while keeping them eagerly enticed. Benevento— whose résumé includes stints backing

Apr 10: Peelander Z Apr 11: Joshy Soul Apr 12: Black Joe Lewis Apr 13: Real Estate PUNKLE

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Andrew Marlin and Emily Frantz, collectively known as Mandolin Orange, probe deep into the human psyche and make music that evokes the sentiment, if not exactly the sound, of Jackson Browne, The Band and the various troubadours who fall in between. Theirs is an approach that reflects the rugged resilience so common to most heartland heroes, replete with mandolin (natch), fiddles, harmonica, piano, acoustic guitars and the kind of forlorn harmonies that engender a particular air of authenticity. The melodies they create have an uncommon beauty, making the music ring with a sense of hopefulness and redemption sustained even in the most downturned circumstances, giving their songs an irresistible charm. It’s little wonder that critics have hailed them as true Americana auteurs, with Rolling Stone citing their latest album Blindfaller (Yep Roc) among 2016’s best country releases. Indeed, Mandolin Orange has a definite tang. (LZ) O.P. Rockwell, 268 Main, Park City, 9 p.m., $17-$34, 21+, oprockwell.com

SHOTS IN THE DARK

BY JOSH SCHEUERMAN @scheuerman7

s Poor Yorick StuAdvioe 126 W Crystal / facebook.com dios pooryorickstu

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Kreator, Deathblow, Bestial Karnage

Here in the States, we’re pretty proud of our thrash metal bands: Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, Exodus, Overkill. Around the same time that these bands heated up, the scene in Germany (and, regional designation notwithstanding, Scandinavia) pumped out bands like Kreator. Led by singer-guitarist Mille Petrozza, the band issued five albums of brutal, high-velocity thrash credited with helping to spawn the black- and death-metal genres. Today, Kreator is on its 14th album, Gods of Violence (Nuclear Blast)—and still delivers the goods.

Petrozza’s ragged shrieking and trebly riffing (alongside co-guitarist Sami YliSirniö), buttressed by snare-smasher Jurgen “Ventor” Reil and bass player Christian “Speesy” Giesler, remain an exhilaratingly terrifying din, but the production is upgraded for the times, so it’s kinda like watching a grindhouse flick on Blu-ray. Thematically, Petrozza still picks at metal’s favorite bone—religion and the havoc it wreaks. “Currently, religion has regained a level of importance that I would have never considered possible 20 years ago,” Petrozza says in the Gods of Violence press kit. “An extremely dangerous polarization is taking place, giving rise to growing hate among us all. That’s what I wanted to write about.” Here’s hoping he’s watching the news lately, and there’s a Trump album forthcoming. (Randy Harward) The Complex, 536 W. 100 South, 6 p.m. (doors), $22 presale, $25 day of show, all ages, thecomplexslc.com

THURSDAY 3/30

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CONCERTS & CLUBS

has arrived!

Access Music Program (The Spur) Acoustic Showcase feat. I Am A Galaxy + Sam Cooley + Willy & Tay + James McKintyre (Velour Live Music Gallery) Coolabibus (Hog Wallow Pub) He Is We + Kenny Holland + Rookie of the Year + Allred + Mojave Nomads (Club Area 51) Keller Williams & Leo Kottke (The State Room) Live Music at El Chanate (Snowbird) Mayday Parade + Knuckle Puck + Milestone (The Complex) Modern English + Primitive Programme (The Urban Lounge) see p. 35 Oli K + Okkah + MMEND (Kilby Court) Reggae Thursday w/ Afro Omega + Herban Empire (The Royal) Sammy J. + Jordan T + Analea (The Complex)

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KARAOKE

Cowboy Karaoke (The Cabin) Karaoke with DJ Benji (A Bar Named Sue) Karaoke (Willie’s Lounge) Live Karaoke with TIYB (Club 90) Throwback Thursdays (Liquid Joe’s)

FRIDAY 3/31 LIVE MUSIC

The Anchorage + Scheming Thieves + Barbaloot Suitz (Funk ‘n’ Dive Bar) Big Wild + Phantoms + Imagined Herbal Flows (The Urban Lounge) Ché Zuro (Deer Valley) Joe Friday (Brewskis) Michelle Moonshine (Garage on Beck) Mountain Country (Timpanogos Tavern) Philthy Rich + J-Blaze + Yunggin + Young Gee & Diz + DJ Dizzy D (Metro Music Hall) Pouya & Fat Nick + Ghostmane + WYBMF + Flexatelli (The Complex) Regina Spektor (The Great Saltair) see p. 35 Rohrer (Shades of Pale) So This is Suffering + Signs of the Swarm (The Loading Dock) Superbubble (Hog Wallow Pub) Rock Against Racism feat. Super 78 + Peach Dream + The Rock Princess + Cvpitvls (Kilby Court) Wey (ABG’s) Will Baxter (The Cabin)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE All-Request Gothic, Industrial, EBM, and Dark Wave w/ DJ Vision (Area 51) Chaseone2 (Twist) DJ Handsome Hands (Bourbon House) DJ Jason Lowe (The Royal) Dueling Pianos (Tavernacle) Friday Night Fun (All-Request Dance) w/ DJ Twitch (Area 51)

WEDNESDAYS

BAR FLY

Funkin’ Friday w/ DJ Rude Boy & Bad Boy Brian (Johnny’s on Second) Hot Noise (The Red Door)

KARAOKE

Karaoke (Cheers to You SLC) Karaoke (Willie’s Lounge)

LIVE MUSIC

RANDY HARWARD

Karaoke (Willie’s Lounge) Karaoke w/ B-RAD (Club 90)

SUNDAY 4/02 LIVE MUSIC

Access Music Program (The Spur) Après Live Music (Park City Mountain) Courtney Spaulding (Deer Valley) Kosha Dillz + Burnell Washburn + benjamin (Kilby Court) Live Bluegrass (Club 90) Live Music at El Chanate (Snowbird) Oathbreaker + Khemmis + Jaye Jayle (The Urban Lounge) Synergy feat. Arius + Z&Z + In2gr8 & Kryptik + Suprtek & Droid + Infek & Lucid Dreamz (In the Venue)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Dueling Pianos (The Spur) DJ Curtis Strange (Willie’s Lounge) Open Blues Jam (The Green Pig Pub) Red Cup Event w/ DJ Juggy (Downstairs)

KARAOKE

Karaoke (Tavernacle) Karaoke w/ DJ Benji (A Bar Named Sue) Karaoke Church w/ DJ Ducky (Jam)

MONDAY 4/03

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The Garden + Fat Tony + Indigo Plateau + Civil Lust (Kilby Court) Kreator + Deathblow + Bestial Karnage (The Complex) see p. 38 NF (In the Venue) STS9 (Park City Live) see p. 35

TUE – FRI 11AM TO 7PM • SAT 10AM TO 6PM • CLOSED SUN & MON LIKE US ON OR VISIT WWW.RANDYSRECORDS.COM • 801.532.4413

MARCH 30, 2017 | 39

Dueling Pianos (Tavernacle) Ceremony (All-Request Gothic + Industrial and Dark Wave) w/ DJ Courtney (Area 51)

KARAOKE

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

DJ Juggy (Bourbon House) DJ Latu (The Green Pig) DJ Sneeky Long (Twist) Radio Play (Remix) w/ DJ Jeremiah (Area 51)

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Aprés Live Music (Park City Mountain) Civil Lust (album release) + Choir Boy + Super 78 + DJ Molly Sakamoto (Urban Lounge) Grizzly Goat (Park City Resort) Illenium (Park City Live) Jeezy + Lil Durk + YFN Lucci + Sam Maxfield (The Complex) Joy Spring Band (Sugar House Coffee) Late Night Savior + Berlin Breaks + Vault 7 + Rougarou (The Royal) Live Local Music (A Bar Named Sue) Live Music (Outlaw Saloon) Live Music at The Aerie (Snowbird) Live Trio (The Red Door) Magic Giant (The Canyons) The Maine + Beach Weather (In the Venue) Ozomatli (The State Room) Puddle Mountain Ramblers (Johnny’s on Second) Senses Fail + Counterparts + Movements + Like Pacific (The Complex) Spazmatics (Liquid Joe’s) Synergy feat. Arius + Z&Z + In2gr8 & Kryptik + Suprtek & Droid + Infek & Lucid Dreamz (In the Venue) Vanessa Silberman + Housewarming Party + Cat Ghost Formerly Known As Ghost Cat (Kilby Court)

Do you eschew darts and cornhole at your neighborhood bar for fear of revealing you couldn’t hit the broadside of a hambeast’s hindquarters? Well, have you tried tossing a ping-pong ball into a red Solo cup on the other side of an 8-foot table? It’s pretty easy—it has to be if you’ve been drinking and have the motor skills of a 2-year-old. So why not give beer pong a shot? Every Wednesday at A Bar Named Sue, resident pong master Rocky Allen holds a free tournament where two-person teams (bring your own partner) compete for a winnerstake-all pot of up to 100 bucks (Sue ponies up a tenner per team for up to 10 teams). The best part? The cups, usually full of beer, contain water. That means that compulsory drinks for fallen cups aren’t in play. So as long as you monitor your intake of cold drafts and shots, and keep your fingers free of grease from burgers and whiskey chips, your aim will remain on point. Also, you won’t have to worry about about bacteria picked up when the balls hit the floor.

That’s what last-call hookups are for. (RH) A Bar Named Sue, 3928 S. Highland Drive, 801-274-5578, 9 p.m. sign-in; 10 p.m. start, free, abarnamedsue.net

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KARAOKE

Karaoke (Poplar Street Pub) Karaoke Bingo (Tavernacle) Karaoke with DJ Benji (A Bar Named Sue)

TUESDAY 4/04 LIVE MUSIC

Captured! By Robots + The Grindmother + Goro (Metro Music Hall) see p. 34 Colony House + Knox Hamilton (Kilby Court) Courage My Love + The Departure (The Loading Dock) Live Music at The Bistro (Snowbird) Mandolin Orange (O.P. Rockwell) see p. 36 Marco Benevento + Jackie Greene (The State Room) see p. 36 Red Bennies (The Urban Lounge) STS9 (Park City Live)

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DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

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KARAOKE

UPCOMING EVENTS

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UTAH PIZZA PARTY

Karaoke (Tavernacle) Karaoke w/ DJ Thom (A Bar Named Sue) Karaoke w/ Spotlight Entertainment (Keys on Main)

Karaoke That Doesn’t Suck (Twist) Karaoke w/ Zim Zam Ent. (Club 90)

WEDNESDAY 4/05 LIVE MUSIC

Archspire + Arkaik + Dezecration + Founders of Ruin (Metro Music Hall) Foxygen + Star Power (The State Room) Horseshoes & Handgrenades + The Puddle Mountain Ramblers (The Urban Lounge) Katchafire + Innavision (Elevate Nightclub) Lil’ Debbie + 1 Ton (from Potluck) + Demrick + Blaze 1 + Lil’ Bams (Infinity Event Center) Live Jazz (Club 90) The Memories + The Emotional + Choir Boy + 90s Television (Kilby Court) see p. 32

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

DJ Birdman (Twist) DJ Curtis Strange (Willie’s Lounge) Dueling Pianos (Tavernacle) Open Mic (Muse Music) Open Mic (Velour) Temple w/ DJ Mistress Nancy (Area 51)

KARAOKE

Areaoke w/ KJ Ruby (Area 51) Karaoke w/ B-RAD (Club 90) Karaoke (The Wall at BYU) Karaoke w/ Spotlight Entertainment (Johnny’s on Second) Superstar Karaoke w/ DJ Ducky (Jam)

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BLACK BEATLES

BY DAVID LEVINSON WILK

ACROSS

1. “Domo ____, Mr. Roboto” (1983 song lyric) 2. In vain 3. They may be robusta or arabica 4. Febreze target

52. Japanese dog breed 54. “Let ____ hang out” 55. Mercedes rivals 56. Café au ____ 57. Composition of some flakes 58. Part of a comedy routine 59. Country where Oskar Schindler is buried: Abbr.

60. Part of LGBT

Last week’s answers

No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.

DOWN

5. Travolta’s “Saturday Night Fever” role 6. When doubled, a hit song of 1965 and 1989 7. Lay on the line 8. “I didn’t know he had it ____” 9. Makes up (for) 10. “The Jungle Book” hero 11. Late-inning pitcher, often 12. With genuine effort 13. Women’s wear department 21. Subj. for some green-card holders 25. Suffix with serpent 30. “I’ll ____ step further ...”

31. Nonfatty 33. Bering, for one: Abbr.

35. Do some barbering 38. Car mechanic’s fig.

39. Stages, as a historical scene 40. Tied the score 41. Fan frenzy 42. Something to chew on 43. Undercover cop, perhaps 47. Result of a ‘55 union merger 48. Misled 49. Oncology procedure

Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9.

1. Record label for Cream and the Bee Gees 5. Singer Makeba 11. Cheerleader’s cry 14. Crucifix 15. Like 16. “The Name of the Rose” novelist Umberto 17. Help desk offering 18. Godot, in “Waiting for Godot” 19. Sulu and Uhura on “Star Trek”: Abbr.

20. Get out of jail 22. English monarch during the American Revolution 23. Gorilla, e.g.

24. ____ Lanka 26. Brooks with an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy and Tony 27. Anticipatory night 28. Day of the wk.

29. “Treasure Island” pirate 32. Sun and moon, poetically 34. Canon camera brand 36. Slippery 37. Trio with the 1969 hit “Leaving on a Jet Plane” 42. Make rough 44. Dr. Seuss’ “If ____ the Zoo” 45. Mil. branch that publishes All Hands magazine: Abbr.

46. Unwrapping impatiently 47. Booze: Abbr.

50. ____ Moines 51. “Piece” org.

53. Nintendo product that comes with a balance board for yoga poses and other exercises 55. 2016 #1 Rae Sremmurd hit ... or what to find in four places in this puzzle 58. Sandwich introduced in 1968 61. Record exec Gotti 62. Rock band that gets fans charged up?

63. “You didn’t have to point!”

64. ____ kwon do 65. “Kiss Me Deadly” rocker Ford 66. Some cheaters have them 67. ____ Taylor (clothing retailer) 68. Wacko

SUDOKU

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CROSSWORD PUZZLE

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY B Y R O B

PHOTO OF THE WEEK BY

@greenlowtops

B R E Z S N Y

Go to realastrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes.

Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) The dragon that stole your treasure will return it. Tulips and snapdragons will blossom in a field you thought was a wasteland.

Gargoyles from the abyss will crawl into view, but then meekly lick your hand and reveal secrets you can really use. The dour troll that guards the bridge to the Next Big Thing will let you pass even though you don’t have the password. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just described is only metaphorically true, not literally.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) According to legend, Buddha had to face daunting tests to achieve enlightenment. A diabolical adversary tempted him with sensual excesses and assailed him with vortexes of blistering mud, flaming ice and howling rocks. Happily, Buddha glided into a state of wise calm and triumphed over the mayhem. He converted his nemesis’ vortexes into bouquets of flowers and celestial ointments. What does this have to do with you? In accordance with current astrological omens, I hope you will emulate Buddha as you deal with your own initiatory tests. APRIL FOOL! I wasn’t completely honest. It’s true you’ll face initiatory tests that could prod you to a higher level of wisdom. But they’ll most likely come from allies and inner prompts rather than a diabolical adversary.

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Research shows that a typical working couple devotes an average of four minutes per day in meaningful conversations. I suggest you boost that output by at least 10 percent. Try to engage your best companion in four minutes and 24 seconds of intimate talk per day. APRIL FOOL! I lied. A 10-percent increase isn’t nearly enough. Given the current astrological indicators, you must seek out longer and deeper exchanges with the people you love. Can you manage 20 minutes per day?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) In a way, it’s too bad you’re about to lose your mind. The chaos that ensues will be a big chore to clean up. But in another sense, losing your mind might be a lucky development. The process of reassembling it will be entertaining and informative. And as a result, your problems will become more fascinating than usual, and your sins will be especially original. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. You won’t really lose your mind. But this much is true: Your problems will be more fascinating than usual, and your sins will be especially original. That’s a good thing! It might even help you recover a rogue part of your mind that you lost a while back.

INSIDE /

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY PG. 43 INK PG. 44 UTAH JOB CENTER PG. 45 URBAN LIVING PG. 46 NEWS OF THE WEIRD PG. 47

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You say that some of the healthiest foods don’t taste good? And GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Since I expect you’ll soon be tempted to indulge in too much that some of your pleasurable diversions seem to bother people debauched fun and riotous release, I’ll offer you a good hang- you care about? You say it’s too much hassle to arrange for a over remedy. Throw these ingredients into a blender, then certain adventure that you know would be exciting and meaningdrink up: a 1,000-year-old quail egg from China, seaweed from ful? Here’s what I have to say about all that: Stop whining. APRIL Antarctica, milk from an Iraqi donkey, lemon juice imported FOOL! I lied. The truth is, there will soon be far fewer reasons for from Kazakhstan and a dab of Argentinian toothpaste on which you to whine. The discrepancies between what you have to do the moon has shone for an hour. APRIL FOOL! I deceived you. and what you want to do will at least partially dissolve. So will You won’t have to get crazy drunk or stoned to enjoy extreme the gaps between what’s good for you and what feels good, and pleasure and cathartic abandon. It will come to you quite natu- between what pleases others and what pleases you. rally—especially if you expand your mind through travel, big CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) ideas or healthy experiments.

You should begin work on a book with one of the following titles, and you should finish writing it no later than April 28: The Totally CANCER (June 21-July 22) Hire a promoter to create gold plaques listing your accomplish- Intense Four Weeks of My Life When I Came All the Way Home; ments and hang them up in public places. Or pay someone The Wildly Productive Four Weeks of My Life When I Discovered to make a thousand bobble-head dolls in your likeness, each the Ultimate Secrets of Domestic Bliss; The Crazily Meaningful Four wearing a royal crown, and give them away to everyone you Weeks When I Permanently Anchored Myself in the Nourishing know. Or enlist a pilot to fly a small plane over a sporting event Depths. APRIL FOOL! I lied. There’s no need to actually write a while trailing a banner that reads, “[Your name] is a gorgeous book like that. But I do hope you seek out and generate experigenius worthy of worshipful reverence.” APRIL FOOL! What I ences that would enable you to write books with those titles. just advised was a distorted interpretation of the cosmic omens.

Here’s the truth: The best way to celebrate your surging power is AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) not by reveling in frivolous displays of pride, but rather by mak- If you were a passenger on a plane full of your favorite celebriing a bold move that will render a fantastic dream 10 percent ties, and the pilot had to make an emergency landing on a remote snowbound mountain, and you had to eat one of the more possible for you to accomplish. celebrities in order to stay alive until rescuers found you, which celebrity would you want to eat first? APRIL FOOL! That was a LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Endangered species: black rhino, Bornean orangutan, hawksbill really stupid and pointless question. I can’t believe I asked it. I turtle, South China tiger, Sumatran elephant and the Leo mes- hope you didn’t waste a nanosecond thinking about what your siah complex. You might not be able to do much to preserve the reply might be. Here’s the truth, Aquarius: You’re in a phase of first five on that list, but please get to work on saving the last. It’s your astrological cycle when the single most important thing you time for a massive eruption of your megalomania. APRIL FOOL! can do is ask and answer really good questions.

I was exaggerating for effect. There’s no need to go overboard in reclaiming your messiah complex. But please do take strong PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) You now have an elevated chance of finding a crumpled $1 bill on a action to stoke your self-respect, self-esteem and confidence. sidewalk. There’s also an increased likelihood you’ll get a coupon for a 5-percent discount from a carpet shampoo company or win VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Race through your yoga routine so you have more time to surf enough money in the lottery to buy a new sweatshirt. To enhance the internet. Inhale doughnuts and vodka in the car as you race these possibilities, all you have to do is sit on your ass and wish to the health food store. Get into a screaming fight with a loved really hard that good economic luck will come your way. APRIL one about how you desperately need more peace and tender- FOOL! What I just said was kind of true, but also useless. Here’s ness. APRIL FOOL! A little bit of self-contradiction would be more interesting news: The odds are better than average that cute, but not that much. And yet I do worry that you are close to you’ll score tips on how to improve your finances. You might also expressing that much. The problem might be that you haven’t be invited to collaborate on a potentially lucrative project, or been giving your inner rebel any high-quality mischief to attend receive an offer of practical help for a bread-and-butter dilemma. to. As a result, it’s bogged down in trivial insurrections. So To encourage these outcomes, all you have to do is develop a longterm plan for improved money management. please give your inner rebel more important work to do.

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Affordable Housing

Besides the NCA A finals and your brackets, the two hottest topics these days are affordable housing and tiny homes. First, affordable housing is really two things: what you think you can pay for a roof over your head, and what the government thinks you can/should be able to afford.

The Housing Authority of the County of Salt Lake warns: “Section 8 housing scams prey on home-seekers and use websites that look like registration sites for Section 8 waiting list lotteries. They take ‘registration fee’ money, personal information, and offer a chance to register for the real lottery—since these hopefuls usually don’t know they’ve been scammed until the real waiting list is closed.” Guess what? Salt Lake City and County closed their waiting lists for Section 8 housing. Nothing is available for rent.

One new developer has constructed the Greenprint Apartments on the 800 South block of 200 West. These micro-unit studios are 250-350 square-feet and rent for $700-$800 per month. This is the cheapest new product I have been able to find anywhere in Utah. Salt Lake City does not require rental building developers to make a percentage of the units affordable, but as a builder you can get certain tax incentives to include some in your overall project. The state’s rental housing inventory is estimated to be down 43,000-45,000 units, and— as recently reported by the Deseret News— “For the first time in 40 years, the increase in households in Utah exceeds the number of new housing units.” St. George reports less than a 1 percent vacancy rate—yikes!

So, why not get a tiny home? Well, zoningwise, they aren’t allowed in most places in the Salt Lake Valley. You can put one in a trailer park, but have to pay $600-$800 a month to rent the space. Affordable lots are a thing of the past, with land values going for $65,000-$300,000 per quarter-acre along the Wasatch Front. Portland, Ore., has come up with a great idea, though. “A Place for You” is a new experiment where the city will put a 200-square-foot modular unit in your backyard for five years.

The agreement includes strict rules the occupants must abide by—no illegal drugs, noise ordinances, etc. After five years, you get to keep the structure and use it as an accessory dwelling/rental. It’s a win-win!

Salt Lake City and County own a ton of land, which leads me to wonder: Why not build tiny home villages subsidized by our tax dollars? n Content is prepared expressly for Community and is not endorsed by City Weekly staff.

Poets Corner

SYSTEM’S SPRING SOLAR

The rebirth of the sun (now all are blessed) on the southern cross the light has begun to overcome the darkness

Horus and Attis burning bright.

Heracles and Romulus conquer the night.

Dionysus and Odysseus giving life.

Odysseus and Glycon killing dark’s strife.

Zoroaster and Krishna’s yellow rays like knives.

The spring equinox east here (is here/easter) the continuing sun there’s no need to fear nothing could be sweeter

NORMA N D. HEINL Send your poem (max 15 lines), to: Poet’s Corner, City Weekly, 248 South Main Street, SLC, UT 84101 or e-mail to poetscorner@cityweekly.net.

Published entrants receive a $15 value gift from CW. Each entry must include name and mailing address.

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Location, Location, Location A highlight of the recent upmarket surge in Brooklyn, N.Y., as a residential and retail favorite, was the asking price for an ordinary parking space in the garage at 845 Union Street in the Park Slope neighborhood: $300,000 (also carrying a $240-a-month condominium fee and $50 monthly taxes). That’s similar to the price of actual one-bedroom apartments in less ritzy Brooklyn neighborhoods like Gravesend a few miles away.

BY CHUCK SHEPHERD

Ironies A chain reaction of fireworks in Tultepec, Mexico, in December had made the San Pablito pyro marketplace a scorched ruin, with more than three dozen dead and scores injured, leaving the town to grieve and, in March, to solemnly honor the victims—with even more fireworks. Tultepec is the center of Mexico’s fireworks industry, with 30,000 people dependent on explosives for a living. The Guardian wrote, “Gunpowder [is in] their blood.”

WEIRD

Compelling Explanations Saginaw, Mich., defense lawyer Ed Czuprynski had beaten a felony DUI arrest in December, but was sentenced to probation on a lesser charge in the incident, and among his restrictions was a prohibition on drinking alcohol—which Czuprynski acknowledged in March that he has since violated at least twice.

However, at that hearing (which could have meant jail time for the violations), Czuprynski used the opportunity to beg the judge to remove the restriction altogether, arguing that he can’t be “effective” as a lawyer unless he is able to have a drink now and then. (At press time, the judge was still undecided.)

Fine Points of the Law Residents in southern Humboldt County, Calif., will vote in May on a proposed property tax increase to fund a community hospital in Garberville to serve a web of small towns in the scenic, sparsely populated region, and thanks to a county judge’s March ruling, the issue will be explained more colorfully. Opponent Scotty McClure was initially rebuffed by the registrar when he tried to distribute, as taxpayer-funded “special elections material,” contempt for “Measure W” by including the phrase “(insert fart smell here)” in the description. The registrar decried the damage to election integrity by such “vulgarity,” but Judge Timothy Cissna said state law gives him jurisdiction only over false or misleading electioneering language.

Perspective American chef Dan Barber staged a temporary pop-up restaurant in London in March at which he and other renowned chefs prepared the fanciest meals they could imagine using only food scraps donated from local eateries. A primary purpose was to chastise First World eaters (especially Americans) for wasting food, not only in the kitchen and on the plate, but to satisfy our craving for meat—for example, requiring diversion of 80 percent of the world’s corn and soy just to feed edible animals.

Among Barber’s March “WastED” dishes were a char-grilled meatless beetburger and pork braised in leftover fruit solids.

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Undignified Deaths Smoking Kills: A 78-year-old man in Easton, Pa., died in February from injuries caused when he lit his cigarette but accidentally set afire his hooded sweatshirt. n Pornography Kills: A Mexico City man fell to his death recently in the city’s San Antonio neighborhood when he climbed up to turn off a highway video sign on the Periférico Sur highway that was showing a pornographic clip apparently placed by a hacker.

Least Competent Criminals An officer in Harrington, Del., approaching an illegally parked driver at Liberty Plaza Shopping Center in March, had suspicions aroused when she gave him a name other than “Keyonna Waters” (which was the name on the employee name tag she was wearing).

Properly ID’ed, she was arrested for driving with a suspended license.

The Passing Parade In his third try of the year in January, Li Longlong of China surpassed his own Guinness Book record by climbing 36 stairs while headstanding (beating his previous 34). Among the Guinness regulations: no touching walls and no pausing more than five seconds per step. n The online live-stream of the extremely pregnant giraffe named April (at New York’s Animal Adventure Park) has created such a frenzy, and exposed the tiny attention spans of viewers, that, as of March 3, they had spent a cumulative 1,036 years just watching. Erin Dietrich of Myrtle Beach, S.C., 39 weeks pregnant herself, mocked the lunacy by livestreaming her own belly while wearing a giraffe mask. (By press time, Erin had delivered; April, not.)

Thanks this week to Kevin Corwin, Alyssa Grosso, the News of the Weird Senior Advisors and Board of Editorial Advisors.

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MARCH 30, 2017 | 47

n An office in the New York City government, suspicious of a $5,000 payment to two men in the 2008 City Council election of Staten Island’s Debi Rose, opened an investigation, which at $300 an hour for the “special prosecutor,” has now cost the city $520,000, with his final bill still to come. Despite scant evidence and multiple opportunities to back off, the prosecutor relentlessly conducted months-long grand jury proceedings, fought several court appeals, had one 23-count indictment almost immediately crushed by judges, and enticed state and federal investigators to (fruitlessly) take on the Staten Island case. In March, the city’s Office of Court Administration finally shrugged and closed the case.

n An Australian state administrative tribunal awarded a $90,000 settlement after a cold-calling telemarketer sold a farm couple 2,000 ink cartridges (for their one printer) by repeated pitches.

Med Students

| COMMUNITY |

n Scientists at Columbia University and the New York Genome Center announced that they have digitally stored (and retrieved) a movie, an entire computer operating system and a $50 gift card on a single drop of DNA. In theory, wrote the researchers in the journal Science, they might store, on one gram of DNA, 215 “petabytes” (i.e., 215 million gigabytes—enough to run, say, 10 million HD movies) and could reduce all the data housed in the Library of Congress to a small cube of crystals.

n British snack food manufacturer Walkers advertised in February for a part-time professional chip taster, at the equivalent of $10.55 an hour.

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

Can’t Possibly Be True News of the Weird has written several times, as technology progressed, about Matt McMullen’s “RealDoll” franchise—the San Marcos, Calif., engineer’s richly detailed flexible silicone mannequins that currently sell for $5,500 and up (more with premium custom features). Even before the recent success of the very humanish, artificially intelligent (AI) android “hosts” on TV’s Westworld, McMullen revealed that his first AI doll, “Harmony,” will soon be available with a choice of 12 personalities, including “intellectualism” and “wit,” to mimic an emotional bond to add to the sexual. A recent University of London conference previewed a near future when fake women routinely provide uncomplicated relationships for lonely or disturbed men.

Recently, in Barcelona, Spain, a brothel opened offering four “realdolls” disinfected after each customer—though still recommending condoms.

Miscellaneous Economic Indicators Bentley the cat went missing in Marina Del Rey, Calif., on Feb. 26 and, as of press time, had not been located—despite a posted reward of $20,000. (A “wanted” photo is online, if you’re interested.)

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