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Loving Your Spouse
Publisher/Executive Editor: David Vandygriff publisher@cityxtramagazine.com
- Dr. Harvey Carr
Legal Corner: Adoption Advice -Jack Smith
Jacksonville Coming of Age -David Vandygriff
2015 Top 10 Vacation Spots -Jennifer Williams
Quit Looking for My HIV -Tyler Curry
Editor In Chief: Harvey Carr editor@cityxtramagazine.com Creative Designer: Jason Smith designer@cityxtramagazine.com Sales Department: Carlos Martinez sales@cityxtramagazine.com cityXtra Magazine is published by cityXtra Magazine, LLC. 2941 Plum Street Jacksonville, FL 32205 (904) 410-9592 www.cityxtramagazine.com Like us on Facebook/cityxtramag Twitter/cityxtra
Contributing Writers Laura Riggs, Dr. Harvey Carr, Attorney Gordon Nicol, Meredith O’Malley Johnson, Tina Vaughn, Jake Moore, Tyler Curry Editor HIV Equal Online, Sebastian Fortino, David Vandygriff, Joey Amato Publisher Unite Magazine
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Loving Your Spouse for all the Wrong Reasons By Dr. Harvey Carr
What causes you to love your spouse? Is it her grace? His kindness? Her strength?
that loving guidance and passing it on allowing it to actually transform us so that we love first and foremost because that Higher Power first loved That she’s such a good mom? us. “We love because he first loved us. ~ 1 John 4:19 (NIV). And Jesus told us in Matthew 22:39 to That he’s an unusually involved father? love each other in the same way we love ourselves. So, we must first love ourselves All of these are inferior reasons and inferior loves. unconditionally before we can honestly and If you love your spouse because he/she is kind, unconditionally love anyone else. you love kindness, not your spouse. If you love your spouse because he/she is thoughtful, you If I must separate from my spouse, I will do it only love thoughtfulness, not your spouse. because it must be best for him/her. This is true even in the case of, say, abuse. It is best for your True love is found in “absolute benevolence,” spouse not to hit you, but if the only way you can which is a state of the heart that is bent toward stop them from doing that is to remove yourselves loving someone’s highest good, regardless of from their presence, that’s what you do, but even their actions or character. It is a disposition to do that act from that disposition is absolute what is best for the other person, out of the inner benevolence (though a selfish person will accuse compulsion to serve this person’s best interests. you otherwise). His humor?
That’s where we should aim for a goal in our marriages/relationships. It’s healthy and good and noble to affirm excellent qualities in a spouse, but when we love our spouse because of those things we swallow this relational poison: If I love my spouse because he’s/she’s healthy or young or beautiful or wealthy or godly or because she has given me a family, then I will be tempted to stop loving him/her if he/she grows sick or old or becomes disfigured or gets in debt or makes mistakes in life.
This means that to find the right way to act, I look to the heart. Why am I doing what I am doing? What is truly best for my spouse? That tells me what I must do.
How many relationships/marriages would be salvaged if we loved with absolute benevolence? How many fights would sound ridiculous to resolve in the face of absolute benevolence? How many decisions would be made much clearer if we were driven by absolute benevolence? How much would every relationship/marriage change if Commitment calls us to absolute benevolence. It we pursued absolute benevolence over our own requires nothing less than unconditional love. comfort, happiness, and self- interest? How many of us, I wonder, will pursue this kind of love, this We won’t get there simply by “trying harder,” but kind of relationship/marriage? rather by seeking divine guidance from God (or whatever you call your Higher Power), receiving
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Adoption Crisis By Atty. Gordon Nicol
Adoption is one of the most life changing decisions ever made. Our role at Your Jacksonville Lawyer is to make sure the adoption process protects everyone: the birth parents, the adoptive parents and the children. To do this, I evaluate a number of concerns: I make sure the adoption agency is licensed, that it is recommended by adoption support groups, and maintains high standards of service and ethics. That the families are prepared to adopt and raise the children who are being placed; That the match between a child and parents is sound, bearing in mind the needs and boundaries of all parties;
According to research, if the parents have ongoing access to the help of an attorney the adoption I
s more likely to be successful for the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the children. The above article is general in nature and should not be relied upon for specific legal advice. Every legal situation is different.
The above article is general in nature and should not be relied upon for specific legal advice. Every legal situation is different. Gordon T. Nicol, Attorney at Law Full disclosure is given to parents about the child's www.yourjacksonvillelawyer.com history, diagnosis, and special needs; 7545 Centurion Parkway, Suite 108 Post-adoption services and when available, finan- Jacksonville, FL 32256 cial assistance, are in place to support the family; Phone: 904-384-4911 and Crisis intervention services are available if desk@youjacksonvillelawyer.com needed.
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Jacksonville Coming of Age By David Vandygriff
A key to the progress being made in Jacksonville has to be contributed to Mayor John Delaney and Audrey Moran. Both individuals have been working out front since 2012 to help implement and HRO protecting LGBT. Now Tommy Hazouri has stated on the First Coast with Melissa Ross, “Gay Rights are Human Rights.”
As the Downtown area have been revitalized with numerous events and happens, one can see a city that has Come of Age. Another key indicator of such progress is the Brooklyn redevelopment that will no doubt be the NEW hotspot for years to come for dinning, entertainment, and shopping.
Mayor Lenny Curry’s office is rumored to have its own version of an HRO that he wishes to support. As to the details no one knows as this point but we can see that is at least on the Mayors radar. Therefore, one can beat the HRO will happen in Jacksonville within the next year.
It does appear as if Jacksonville is Coming of Age in rights, development, and political circles. Nobody can deny it is past time for our local leaders to protect all citizens and offer everyone a place to play, live, and work in that we can all be PROUD to call home. One cannot only contribute modern developments with Since 2012 Jacksonville continues to grow and appears the Coming of Age of a city but must look at its to be COMING OF AGE. As we see the talks in the citizen’s mindset. We have seen an amazing growth of political circles of another HRO attempt, many politistraight allies, thanks in part to We Are Straight Allies. cal leaders are supportive. With the elections of 2015 The LGBT Community has Come of Age in Jacksonville appears to be in a position to finally Jacksonville as seen in the past election cycle with the protect all citizens. This will be the true test of the North Florida LGBT Leadership PAC, Equality COMING OF AGE for Jacksonville. Florida, and Human Rights Campaign. Equality Florida now has an office located in Jacksonville that 2015 & 2016 will prove testing years for Jacksonville! encompasses staff from the Human Rights Campaign We wish our city the best of luck. as well as Equality Florida.
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2015 Top LGBT Vacation Spots By Jennifer Williams
Need a few LGBT-friendly destination ideas? Recent changes at these ten great places around the world have thrust them to the top of our 2015 gay travel list. Now let the planning begin! 1. Scotland While Americans won same-sex marriage battles largely through the judicial system in 2014, Great Britain’s northernmost country legalized it through the legislature where it overwhelmingly passed by a margin of 105 to 18 and came into effect last December. 2. Austin, TX The Lone Star State’s capital city has always been a queer-friendly place, but beginning May 1 it will host the first of its kind Austin International Drag Festival featuring megawatt gender-bending talent like Jackie Beat, Coco Peru, Kevin Aviance, Sherry Vine, Heklina, Charles Busch, Holly Woodlawn and more.
owned B&B Absolute Paradise and gay-friendly and clothing optional black sand Kahena Beach. 7. Riviera Maya, Mexico There’s no reason why straight people should have all the fun at this ever popular alternative to tacky and touristy Cancun. The area includes the laid-back charms of Tulum with its perfectly preserved Mayan ruins and upand-coming restaurant scene, miles of white-sand beaches and upscale shopping and a nightlife scene in Playa del Carmen.
8. Washington, D.C. The Supreme Court has finally taken up the issue of same-sex marriage 3. Key West, FL Gay tourists frittered last March and will heard oral arguments in April with a verwhen the Island House, a legendary gay resort dict expected in late June (which happens to coinand fixture of Key West’s gay scene, was put up for sale. Its owner took it off the market just sever- cide with Pride weekend in many North American al months later and has since recommitted himself cities). If the history-making verdict goes the way to ensuring it remains an award-winning resort for many gay rights advocates and activists believe it will, the nation’s capital is going to be a place of gay men. Same-sex marriage in Florida became exuberant celebration in June. legal January 6.
9. Antwerp, Belgium The largest city in Belgium already boasts a plethora of gay bars and the country as a whole is considered one of the most advanced on LGBT issues in all of Europe, but the real attention grabber this year is the recent unveiling of a large-scale LGBT monument which lights up the underbelly of a railway bridge every 5. Stockholm, Sweden After taking a two-year hia- night in the rainbow colors of the Pride flag. tus to accommodate the OutGames in Antwerp 10. Las Vegas Major new developments are and the Gay Games in Cleveland, the EuroGames—an LGBT sporting competition for Euro- transforming Sin City including the new SLS and peans—returns in August 2015 for a full weekend Cromwell resorts, plus the High Roller—the world’s largest observation wheel. Meanwhile, of events in Sweden’s dazzling capital. both the new Liaison nightclub at Bally’s and 6. Puna District, Hawaii One of the nine districts Xposed! Pool party at Tropicana are thrilling queer on the Big Island of Hawaii, Puna’s residents are tourists. a friendly mix of hippies, gays, artists and off-thegrid types. The region oozes rural tropical charms and boasts gay-owned eco-resort Kalani, gay4. Vietnam The South Asian country is now on the list of “must visit” destinations for queer tourists thanks to a January decision abolishing its ban on same-sex marriages. While unions between same -gender couples are not government recognized, marriages are expected to begin immediately.
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Quit Looking for My HIV By Tyler Curry
I have always been a pretty confident guy. Even when I am not confident, I still try to act confident. It is just the way I was raised. I have a proud family, a strong Texas grit and a fairly good view of who I want to be, despite a few bumps along the way. So naturally, when I found out that I was HIV-positive, I attacked it like I have every other Recently, I was at an event benefitting an HIV/ obstacle, eyes wide open and fully exposed. AIDS service organization. Although I am not proud of it, I snuck outside to bum a cigarette. But For the most part, it was the best decision I have what was interesting… No, annoying…. Actually, ever made. Coming out publicly as HIV-positive infuriating, was the response I received from the has allowed me to manage my health with the man who I asked to bum a cig from. support of my friends and family and without any feelings of shame or guilt. Just like coming out as “Are you really supposed to be smoking?” gay, coming out as HIV-positive is a feeling of release. It is freedom from a secret. And once it I’m pretty sure no one is supposed to be smoking. happens, there is nothing or no person that could Yes, that cigarette could probably kill me a little ever make you go back. That being said, I do faster, but it wasn’t exactly prolonging his life have one big complaint about my new identity. either. I still took the cig, but I smoked it with Everyone keeps looking for my HIV. attitude. I noticed pretty early on that people do not like it when they think you should be suffering, but you don’t appear to be. Neither perceptions were correct, but the divergent thinking led people to search for signs of my disease as if to say “Ah ha! There it is. He does bleed.”
“Well, you look really good.”
Friends and strangers alike first began to look for my HIV in my relationship. It typically went something like this:
I didn’t look good. I looked like shit. But I can still look good and that is when I want to hear it. Instead, I have someone staring at me like I am on a hospital bed, basically saying that I don’t look dead yet. Instead of my old friend asking me if I had a rough night or giving me a hard time as friends do, he or she was looking for my HIV.
“Is your boyfriend HIV-positive?” If I said yes, then it would make sense why we are together. “Is your boyfriend HIV-negative?”
Now, normally I would snatch this compliment up and try to make it last for at least a week. Everyone likes to be told that they look good, but only if the person means it.
Managing HIV is no cakewalk. I do not take it lightly nor do I ever wish to minimize its impact or capitalize off of my issues. However, trust me when I say it doesn’t keep me from doing My boyfriend is awesome, but sometimes he isn’t. anything and everything that I want to do in this I am pretty great too, but sometimes I can be a life. terror. Either way, he puts up with me, I put up with him and we are together because we fell in So quit looking for my HIV because I am not love, regardless of our HIV statuses. trying to hide it. If I said no, then he must be such an amazing guy.
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