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Despise or Dread
Publisher/Executive Editor: David Vandygriff publisher@cityxtramagazine.com
- Dr. Harvey Carr
Legal Corner: Adoption Advice -Jack Smith
Coming Out Ultimate Guide -David Vandygriff
2015 Top 10 Vacation Spots -Jennifer Williams
5 Tips for Dating HIV -Tyler Curry
Who Cares……. -Adam Plante, Esq
Editor In Chief: Harvey Carr editor@cityxtramagazine.com Creative Designer: Jason Smith designer@cityxtramagazine.com Sales Department: Carlos Martinez sales@cityxtramagazine.com cityXtra Magazine is published by cityXtra Magazine, LLC. 2941 Plum Street Jacksonville, FL 32205 (904) 410-9592 www.cityxtramagazine.com Like us on Facebook/cityxtramag Twitter/cityxtra
Contributing Writers Laura Riggs, Dr. Harvey Carr, Attorney Gordon Nicol, Meredith O’Malley Johnson, Tina Vaughn, Jake Moore, Tyler Curry Editor HIV Equal Online, Sebastian Fortino, David Vandygriff, Joey Amato Publisher Unite Magazine
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LOVE MEANS SAYING NO By Dr. Harvey Carr “I’m done with this marriage, Gary. It has exhausted me. I don’t have what it takes to make it work.” Though they didn’t realize it, Gary and his husband Gene were on the precipice of a really good place, perhaps even a divine one. Sometimes, God has to take us to the end of our strength to power greater than I possess, then I’ll be all but do what He truly wants. You are in a good place forced to look elsewhere, to God who can hold all when you realize you simply cannot do it on your things together. own. The sad reality for many is that we don’t turn to In Colossians 1:11 Paul wrote, “being strength- God unless we have to. We expend all our human ened with all power according to his glorious effort and only after that fails, for perhaps the hunmight so that you may have great endurance and dredth time, then we say, “Well, that didn’t work. patience”. The assumption is that we’re not Maybe I should try God.” strong already, at least not on our own, but to do what God wants us to do we need the strength Learning to rely on God isn’t just for difficult seathat comes “from His glorious might.” sons of marriage by the way. God has made achieving the biblical ideal of marriage impossible Paul’s observation is written in the context of re- on our own. I love the way Rob Rienow puts it in minding us how Christ holds everything together his book Visionary Marriage: “If you think you through this power: “For in him all things were have it in you to be a godly spouse, either you created: things in heaven and on earth, visible don’t know what God desires, or you have set the and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers bar way too low.” God calls me to love my spouse or authorities; all things have been created like Christ loves the church. What man or woman through him and for him.” (Colossians 1:16) truly does that? Since in Him “all things were created”, we can assume marriage is one of those “things.” What if God allows marriage to be so difficult in part to reveal to us the real power He makes available to us —to teach us how to access this power, to depend on this power, to put us in a difficult situation so that we learn the truth of allowing God rather than our own resources to hold our marriage together?
The ability to love an imperfect person requires training, study, intention, and purpose. It doesn’t come naturally to anyone. No person is entirely easy to love, because all of us stumble in many ways.
Marriage may be difficult, but that’s its glory! It forces us outside of ourselves, to a spiritual dependence that sets things right—recognizing God as the only uniting factor between spouses, supIf I can lift a table on my own, I’ll do it. If it’s an plying the power to hold all things together. ultra-heavy chest of drawers and my spouse wants to see what it looks like on the other side of Begin each day with an earnest admission and the room, I’m going to have to call my neighbor request: “God, I don’t have what it takes to be over to help me. In the same way, if I can be mar- married today, but I’m placing myself before you. ried in my own strength, with “natural” patience I’m on my knees admitting my need. Renew my and “natural” kindness, I’ll do it. That’s just human desire. Set my sights even higher than I could nature, isn’t it? But if it requires me to tap into a dream. You want me to have a more intimate
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marriage than I’ve ever known—to better reflect you, to be a witness to the world, to have a happy and spiritually rich home. So here I am, with all that I’m not, asking you to fill up what I lack. I need your power to listen, power to forgive, power to be sensitive and kind when I want to be hurtful and harsh.” This attitude—humility and dependence—and the practice of beginning each day imploring God for His fresh filling doesn’t come naturally. Our greatest failure is often our default practice of seeking to live
independently of God. So if God is letting you be continually frustrated with your marriage, it might be because He wants to remind you to be continually filled with His Spirit and attitude.
Adoption Crisis By Atty. Gordon Nicol
Adoption is one of the most life changing decisions ever made. Our role at Your Jacksonville Lawyer is to make sure the adoption process protects everyone: the birth parents, the adoptive parents and the children. To do this, I evaluate a number of concerns: I make sure the adoption agency is licensed, that it is recommended by adoption support groups, and maintains high standards of service and ethics. That the families are prepared to adopt and raise the children who are being placed; That the match between a child and parents is sound, bearing in mind the needs and boundaries of all parties;
According to research, if the parents have ongoing access to the help of an attorney the adoption I
s more likely to be successful for the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the children. The above article is general in nature and should not be relied upon for specific legal advice. Every legal situation is different.
The above article is general in nature and should not be relied upon for specific legal advice. Every legal situation is different. Gordon T. Nicol, Attorney at Law Full disclosure is given to parents about the child's www.yourjacksonvillelawyer.com history, diagnosis, and special needs; 7545 Centurion Parkway, Suite 108 Post-adoption services and when available, finan- Jacksonville, FL 32256 cial assistance, are in place to support the family; Phone: 904-384-4911 and Crisis intervention services are available if desk@youjacksonvillelawyer.com needed.
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Coming Out Ultimate Guide By David Vandygriff
the community, you're making a difference in creating social change and acceptance. Although others may initially feel uncomfortable or awkward with your disclosure, the happiest and most authentic life is only possible if you are open with those around you. 2 - Be prepared. Consider your family, friends, coworkers, and community before opening up to any of them. Do any of these people show homophobic feelings (remember that being opposed to homosexuality is not being considered as a homophobic behavior)? Many religions do not condone homosexuality, and while the beliefs of others should be respected, there is no reason to tolerate religion/ religious people that promote intolerance. It may take some time for others to come to terms with it and accept it, just the same as you did. Be reasonably sure that the first people you tell will be positive and supportive, and save coming out to other people until after you've had a little bit of practice in telling someone about it. It may help if you talk to or come out to other people that you know are gay. Your parents might be great about it, but they might not. If this is the case, realize that they are from a different generation and they may believe they have your best interests at heart. Be prepared for questions they might ask. They might be afraid of how people will treat you, or that you'll never be You have realized your sexuality, and have accepted it, able to have children - these are all very real concerns to and now you have decided to come out of the closet. You them, so treat them seriously. If they are religious, you may want to stop and think about whether you are doing may want to find some material ahead of time to share the right thing by confiding in certain people at this point. with them that expresses a positive view. It may help to The key is to know if you are ready, then choose the first refer them to a religious leader that reflects a positive and people you tell for their potential as positive supporters, healthy view of lesbian and gay relationships. and then decide whether or not you would like some of your more casual acquaintances to know. If you are in a If you are in a situation where you believe you could be gay or lesbian relationship, your partner will be able to disowned or even outlawed, wait until you are safe and support you. independent before you decide to come out. 1 - Realize that you're making a brave choice, and you will be much happier in the long run than if you tried to hide it. Nothing is more important than being positive of your sexuality. Before expecting others to do so, Learn to accept yourself - if you are not comfortable with the idea of being publicly gay, bisexual or lesbian, think about it thoroughly. Not everyone is ready to let go of old prejudices, but by coming out and being a visible member of
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3 - Choose the first person you come out to wisely. A close friend or relative that you trust is a brilliant start, one who you feel is likely to support you. Discuss your sexuality with the people closest to you before making it commonly known. It is very important that you do not ambush them! They may feel confused or even angry if you do. Instead, tell them that you have something important to share with them, and that you have been think-
ing it over for a long time. Explain that you have realized you are different from others, but until recently, didn't really connect the dots as to why. By saying this, they will understand that you didn't keep it from them; you were simply trying to figure it out before saying anything to anyone.
ble in being totally out, and are safe and independent enough to do so. Unfortunately, you may be in a situation where you are dependent on someone or something that might potentially change if you come out; in a situation like this, you may need to change what it is you are dependent on before you come out. This may mean waiting until you have a home of your own, or in an area of safety 4 - Start coming out to more casual friends as you become where you do not run the risk of being outlawed or dismore confident in your identity. Understand that it is not owned. necessary to tell everyone at one time; everyone reacts differently, so tell each person separately at an appropriate 7 - Be proud of who you are! Hold your head up high and time, when you have privacy and sufficient time to disdon't let anyone make you feel ashamed. Don't apologize cuss it. As before, if you are in a situation where you be- or allow yourself to feel ashamed of it to anyone when lieve you could be disowned or even outlawed, wait until you tell them the truth about yourself. Learn to not care you are safe and independent before you decide to come what people say or do; allowing anyone to take a position out. If you are comfortable with your casual acquaintanc- that has you apologizing or feeling bad about your sexuales knowing, then the sooner the better. When people ity will only reinforce any negative preconceptions they know who you are from the start, they are more willing to have. Instead, be positive and firm in that happy outlook simply accept you as you are. It becomes harder to tell so that anyone who seems disappointed or sad about it people after you've known them for a while, because they will know that you are fine and happy. This is really imhave formed an idea of who you are in their own heads portant to show to those who love you - we all have a hard without knowing properly. time imagining that anyone could be happy doing things that we ourselves might not be interested in doing; just as 5 - Choose the method of coming out wisely. You might people who are happy rock climbing have a hard time want to tell someone during a serious face-to-face conver- understanding people who are happy sleeping in a hamsation, or slip it in casually to show that you have accept- mock on their days off, straight people have a hard time ed it and are comfortable with the idea. If you want to understanding how a gay person can be happy. All you make it a determined conversation, take a deep breath and need to do is to assure them that you are. say it. Practice it alone first if you wish, but simply say it in a direct, forthright way. If you don't want to make a big deal out of it, try to interject it into the conversation. The less of an issue it is to you, the more relaxed people will be when you tell themthere won't be that big overreaction you fear if you are calm when you reveal your orientation. 6 - Be wise. Depending on your environment, you may come across extremes of rejection; it is important that you are prepared for potentially difficult times. Make sure that you are safe and ready before you take the leap. The whole community does not need to know unless you are comforta-
2015 Top LGBT Vacation Spots By Jennifer Williams
Need a few LGBT-friendly destination ideas? Recent changes at these ten great places around the world have thrust them to the top of our 2015 gay travel list. Now let the planning begin! 1. Scotland While Americans won same-sex marriage battles largely through the judicial system in 2014, Great Britain’s northernmost country legalized it through the legislature where it overwhelmingly passed by a margin of 105 to 18 and came into effect last December. 2. Austin, TX The Lone Star State’s capital city has always been a queer-friendly place, but beginning May 1 it will host the first of its kind Austin International Drag Festival featuring megawatt gender-bending talent like Jackie Beat, Coco Peru, Kevin Aviance, Sherry Vine, Heklina, Charles Busch, Holly Woodlawn and more.
owned B&B Absolute Paradise and gay-friendly and clothing optional black sand Kahena Beach. 7. Riviera Maya, Mexico There’s no reason why straight people should have all the fun at this ever popular alternative to tacky and touristy Cancun. The area includes the laid-back charms of Tulum with its perfectly preserved Mayan ruins and upand-coming restaurant scene, miles of white-sand beaches and upscale shopping and a nightlife scene in Playa del Carmen.
8. Washington, D.C. The Supreme Court has finally taken up the issue of same-sex marriage 3. Key West, FL Gay tourists frittered last March and will heard oral arguments in April with a verwhen the Island House, a legendary gay resort dict expected in late June (which happens to coinand fixture of Key West’s gay scene, was put up for sale. Its owner took it off the market just sever- cide with Pride weekend in many North American al months later and has since recommitted himself cities). If the history-making verdict goes the way to ensuring it remains an award-winning resort for many gay rights advocates and activists believe it will, the nation’s capital is going to be a place of gay men. Same-sex marriage in Florida became exuberant celebration in June. legal January 6.
9. Antwerp, Belgium The largest city in Belgium already boasts a plethora of gay bars and the country as a whole is considered one of the most advanced on LGBT issues in all of Europe, but the real attention grabber this year is the recent unveiling of a large-scale LGBT monument which lights up the underbelly of a railway bridge every 5. Stockholm, Sweden After taking a two-year hia- night in the rainbow colors of the Pride flag. tus to accommodate the OutGames in Antwerp 10. Las Vegas Major new developments are and the Gay Games in Cleveland, the EuroGames—an LGBT sporting competition for Euro- transforming Sin City including the new SLS and peans—returns in August 2015 for a full weekend Cromwell resorts, plus the High Roller—the world’s largest observation wheel. Meanwhile, of events in Sweden’s dazzling capital. both the new Liaison nightclub at Bally’s and 6. Puna District, Hawaii One of the nine districts Xposed! Pool party at Tropicana are thrilling queer on the Big Island of Hawaii, Puna’s residents are tourists. a friendly mix of hippies, gays, artists and off-thegrid types. The region oozes rural tropical charms and boasts gay-owned eco-resort Kalani, gay4. Vietnam The South Asian country is now on the list of “must visit” destinations for queer tourists thanks to a January decision abolishing its ban on same-sex marriages. While unions between same -gender couples are not government recognized, marriages are expected to begin immediately.
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5 Tips for Dating HIV By Tyler Curry
Dating is hard for anyone, but dating with HIV can seem like attempting advanced mathematics with just a foggy understanding of arithmetic. All of the sudden, you’re expected to discern the correct formulas and grasp the complex equations that forget about come along with serodiscordant dating and relastarting a good relationtionships. When is the right time to disclose, how ship with someone new. A healthy support system to discuss sex and safety, so on and so forth. And is essential to any successful romantic configurayou’re just like “sero-what?” tion, regardless of status. You need to be able to talk to your friends about your hang-ups and hesiHIV certainly doesn’t make finding the right pertations about dating and the fear of disclosure is son any easier. But with these five tips, you can at no exception. Get comfortable with the people least get through the dating and disclosure prowho are already in your life before trying to add cess relatively unscathed, regardless of his stasomeone to the mix. tus. Go in without expectations. Always remember, If you make it a big deal, so will he. If you are not you are better off alone than with someone who comfortable with HIV, he probably won’t be either. would judge you for your status. If you have a Conversely, if you are matter-of-fact about your hard time remembering that, tattoo it on your arm status and what it means to be safe, chances are if you have to. No matter how lonely you think you he will be more at ease with it as well. Don’t think may be, a relationship with the wrong person, you always have a face-to-face discussion or especially a judgmental person, is always worse. make it into a plea to date you despite your staIf he has a negative reaction to your positive status. Don’t make it a big deal and don’t apologize tus and acts like a total ass, consider yourself before you have done something wrong. A well lucky to have dodged a bullet. It would have only written text message to let him know will often gotten worse. suffice. HIV stigma has nothing to do with you. If someThe earlier, the better. You don’t want to become one is the type of guy who would reject you over invested unless you know he’s worth investing in. your HIV status, no amount of good looks, charm So don’t waste your time getting to know someor personality will convince him otherwise. His one who could potentially be the kind of jerk that reasons for running away have nothing to do with would reject you over your status. You are worth you and everything to do with his fears of HIV. If more than that and he isn’t worth your time. If you there is a time to educate, it is in the beginning. tell him before you ever sit down for dinner and he Waiting until the third or fourth date to disclose decides against it, you haven’t lost a thing and still could make him feel as if you are trying to trick have time to make new plans. him into being with you. If he is still terrified, let It takes a village. If you have yet to find the cour- him run and be thankful that you don’t have to live age to disclose to your family and friends, you can in a world where the boogeyman still exists.
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Who Cares…….. By Adam Plante, Esq
Maybe I’m just old fashioned or maybe I somehow aged and lost 2 generations. Either way—they win. The Millenniums are trapped with X-generation rhetoric. Here’s the point: They don’t care. They care about important factors. Not who’s gay or who’s not. They don’t care. growing up. Unsure of what they meant. A word that was painful to hear, yet I never They do care about who’s going to make a knew I would be the next weakest link. difference instead of standing by a pretty bill- “Nigger, Faggot,” are horrible words that are board. They care to ensure their family will be hurtful and only bring out the worst in people. safe during Social Security Suicide. They are Nonetheless, they exist. humbly smart. Millenniums are confused why having a boyfriend or girlfriend is even an is- It’s been mind blowing and inspirational realsue. That act confused me as well when I izing the Millenniums have an entrepreneurial didn’t understand why having a gay black and zest for change. To that, I thank you. friend was even an issue. I heard words
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