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Loving A Person To Hell & Back
Publisher/Executive Editor: David Vandygriff dvandygriff@cityxtramagazine.com
By Dr. Harvey Carr
Kinky Boot LGBT Night By David Vandygriff
Editor In Chief: Harvey Carr editor@cityxtramagazine.com
JASMYN Youth Homeless Shelter
Creative Designer: Jason Smith designer@cityxtramagazine.com
Rainbow Awards JAX 2017 Part I
Sales Department: Adam Plante, Esq. aplante@cityxtramagazine.com
By JASMYN
By David Vandygriff
Rainbow Awards JAX 2017 Part II By David Vandygriff
When Let Them Know Your’re HIV+ By: Alex Kopel
cityXtra Magazine is published by cityXtra Inc . 2941 Plum Street Jacksonville, FL 32205 (904) 300-3320 www.cityxtramagazine.com Like us on Facebook/cityxtramag Twitter/cityxtra
Contributing Writers
Will Trump Keep Promise To LGBT By Cyd Zeigler
Your First-Date Do’s & Don’ts By James Joshlin
Loving Yourself
Laura Riggs, Dr. Harvey Carr, Attorney Gordon Nicol, Meredith O’Malley Johnson, Tina Vaughn, Jake Moore, Tyler Curry Editor HIV Equal Online, Sebastian Fortino, David Vandygriff, Joey Amato Publisher Unite Magazine
By Michael Fitzgerald
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Loving A Person Who Has Been To Hell And Back By Dr. Harvey Carr
A person who has been to hell and back is not easy to love. Many have tried; most have failed. The weak need not attempt; it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a determined, relentless love; not one easily defeated. The person who has been to hell and back will push you away. They will test you in their desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather their storm. They are unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature riding on the fury of their suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet. When he/she is the gentle rain that falls in time to their silent tears, love them. When he/she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love them harder. They are a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even they will not know how to find the perfect balance. Today, although he/she will never tell you, they will feel insecure. They will want you to stay close, to tussle their hair and kiss him/her on the forehead and hold them in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow he/she will crave their independence, their space, their solitude. While you slept, they were awake, unable to slow their thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how they fit. They fight their demons and slay their dragons, afraid if they go to sleep the demons and dragons will gain the upper hand, afraid if they go to sleep they will no longer be in control.
what it takes. Other times they will need you to take their hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes they may not know what they need, and you will need to read them like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what they need when they do not know what they need. When he/she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love him/her. When he/she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love him/her harder. They will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be themself for no one has ever loved them both when they are small and also when they are tremendous. When he/she feels too much, love him/her. When he/she feels not enough, love him/her harder. Sometimes they won’t hurt and the light will shine from their eyes and their laughter will be a rare and precious melody. Sometimes they will hurt so much from the trauma still in their body; they will ache, they will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.
When he/she is the light, love him/her. When he/ she is the darkness, love him/her harder. They will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. They do not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. They cannot allow themself to fully trust in your love, and they will keep parts of their heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts they can’t risk being hurt When he/she reaches out to you, love them. When he/she pushes you away, love them harder. again when they have worked so hard to stitch them together. New situations and places and people and experiences will make him/her anxious. They will He/she does not need you. He/she has chosen be fiercely independent and long to overcome heir you. You were chosen because you have what it fears, all the while as terrified as a small child takes to survive the storm, because even when alone in the big world. Sometimes they will need they don’t know how to love, you know how to love to be courageous, to prove to themself they have harder. www.cityxtramagazine.com 6
Kinky Boot LGBT Night By David Vandygriff
Kinky Boots : May 2-7, 2017 Times-Union Center LGBTQ Night is Wednesday May 3. SAVE 25%* Use the code: KINKY KINKY BOOTS is Broadway's huge-hearted, high-heeled hit! With songs by Grammy® and Tony® winning pop icon Cyndi Lauper, this joyous musical celebration is about the friendships we discover, and the belief that you can change the world when you change your mind. Inspired by true events, KINKY BOOTS takes you from a gentlemen's shoe factory in Northampton to the glamorous catwalks of Milan. Charlie Price is struggling to live up to his father's expectations and continue the family business of Price & Son. With the factory's future hanging in the balance, help arrives in the unlikely but spectacular form of Lola, a fabulous performer in need of some sturdy new stilettos.
and a book by Broadway legend and four-time Tony Award-winner Harvey Fierstein (La Cage Aux Folles), KINKY BOOTS is the winner of six Tony Awards including Best Musical, Best Score and Best Choreography. Take a step in the right direction and discover that sometimes the best way to fit in is to stand out. "There is no show hotter than KINKY BOOTS!" – CBS News
*Facility fee and service charges not discounted. Valid on May 3 performance only on PL 2,3, and 7. Use code Kinky by phone or website. Not valid on previously purchased tickets. FSCJ Artist Series 501 W. State St. Jacksonville, FL 32202 fscjartistseries.org With direction and choreography by two-time Tony Award-winner Jerry Mitchell (Legally Blonde, Hairspray) (904) 442-2929
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JASMYN Adds Youth Homeless Shelter Partnership By JASMYN
Every day at JASMYN, we work with young people who need help and support. Until now, resources to provide meaningful, long-term interventions for the fastest growing segment of folks experiencing homelessness in Jacksonville youth and young adults - have been hard to find. In fact, in a 2015 study, we learned that 60% of all homeless young people in our area identify as LGBTQ.
the LGBTQ youth served. Youth will also engage in clinical, mental health, and youth development programs that have already been expanded on the JASMYN campus. JASMYN will also provide training and consultation, particularly in regards to LGBTQ culturally competent service delivery through partners in the community.
On Sunday, we were thrilled to share that we have taken concrete steps towards another of JASMYN's strategic priorities - Increasing Access to Housing! During JASMYN's third annual Campus Homecoming Brunch and Celebration, we announced the addition of a third building to our campus and a new partnership with Youth Crisis Center and Changing Homelessness, Inc. This three-agency partnership will lay the foundation for a system of care for LGBTQ youth ages 18-24 experiencing homelessness, including the delivery and implementation of outreach, safety net services, coordinated intake, wrap-around linkage/case management services, and the provision of youth emergency/stabilization housing services.
Urban Development. CHI will provide access to coordinated intake using assessment tools specific to young adults, information management and evaluation support, and leadership in community applications for grant funding to support aspects of the project.
Youth Crisis Center (YCC) will provide emergency housing services at their Parental Until now, with the dedicated support of our Home Road campus. The designated shelter space will offer low-barrier, culturally competent friends and donors, we have addressed the immediate needs of those who made their way to access for LGBT our doors on a case-by-case basis. We have Q homeless youth and young adults. YCC will linked as many as we could to community welcome the JASMYN team on site, and the partners to help them find a safe place to stay. agencies will coordinate referrals to YCC mental With the JASMYN Kicked Out Fund, we have health services, life skills support, and Touchstone helped some of these teens and young adults get Village for transitional housing, when appropriate. motel rooms for respite time away from the streets Changing Homelessness, Inc. (CHI) will take and the shelter system, which is not designed with youth in mind. We've provided them with case primary responsibility for coordinating services management services, fed them, offered support throughout the entire CHI coalition and the local from the Food & Hygiene Pantry, and tried to help Continuum of Care (CoC) for the Homeless, which in any way we could with the limited resources includes services funded though the Department of Housing and available.
"This is a major milestone for JASMYN," said Cindy Watson, JASMYN Executive Director. "We have been working for a long time to figure out the best way to help these vulnerable young people. With the potential to leverage and sustain a broad range of solutions that help homeless youth find stable housing and LGBTQ-responsive services, this collaboration is a real game-changer for us and those we serve."
The resource center will be created within a building that shares backyards with JASMYN's two existing adjacent buildings. Once renovated, JASMYN will conduct outreach, build and manage a resource center on its campus, and the center will contain laundry facilities, mail serve as the primary case management team for boxes, private lockers, shower suites, counseling www.cityxtramagazine.com www.cityxtramagazine.com 10 10 At launch, this is how the partnership will work:
JASMYN—Continued space, and shared office space for case managers. It will also house a warming kitchen and provide meeting, training, and program space for up to 30 people. The building was a gift from Dr. Paul Schilling and Dr. James Dutton, devoted JASMYN supporters who also purchased and donated JASMYN's second building four years ago. "We see this as a strategic investment in JASMYN's future," said Dutton, who serves as Vice Chair of the JASMYN Properties board. "We are so proud of the important work JASMYN is doing, and Paul and I couldn't be happier about supporting them in this very tangible way. The homeless youth served at JASMYN need all of the help and encouragement they can get. This building will make a real difference in their lives."
Can You Help? We are just over half-way to our goal of raising an additional $50,000 for equipment and and furnishings for the resource center! From a new desk chair ($35) to an Elevator Lift ($25,000), every dollar will create the space youth need to succeed. You can make an impact by donating securely online! Clean-up at the new property has already begun, thanks to several volunteer groups who have Support from the community will help us realize given us lots of their time and provided lots of heavy lifting to work inside the building and in the vision of the new space. The Chartand the outdoor space that joins the three houses of Family Fund, which has invested in strategic the JASMYN campus. We will have more progress for JASMYN and support for youth in volunteer opportunities soon as the renovation schools for many years, has pledged a significant contribution toward the new building's begins in earnest! Complete the online volunteer interest form if you'd like to help. renovations and operations.
RAINBOW AWARDS JAX 2017 By David Vandygriff
A CEREMONY FOR THE MOST OUTSTANDING LGBTQIA ACHIEVEMENTS, Formally known as the LGBT Jacksonville Community Awards. A black tie & evening gown event. Honoring Six Local Community Members and Over Forty Awards to Local Businesses, Organizations, Charities, & Groups through a Community Nomination & Voting Process. Saturday April 1, 2017 at the Jesse Ball duPont Center VIP 6pm-7pm Awards Show 7pm-9pm. www.RainbowAwardsJAX.org The Rainbow Awards JAX is hosted by two nonprofits IAMJAX.org & ZeroHate.org doing anonymous works to help bring awareness to many social issues within the Jacksonville community, by hosting events, one-on-one conversations, joint ventures with other nonprofits, and being a voice for those that cannot speak themselves through advocacy.
Honoree Alexis Gabrielle Sherrington Watching Chanel Dupree in the Miss Continental 1990 pageant changed the course of this high-schooler's life. In her own words, Alexis says "it all began right here in Jacksonville, Florida where I was born and raised. Shortly before I graduated from Paxon High School I stumbled upon a tape of a very prestigious female impersonation pageant, Miss Continental. It was the pageant tape covering the 1990 contest. This was the fateful year that the incomparable talents of Miss Chanel Dupree won her the coveted title. Chanel’s talents, presence, and sophistication showed through even on a tape. The package she brought to Miss Continental that year showed her hard work and true dedication to the art and illusion of female impersonation. This was my first exposure to this form of art and upon viewing the tape I realized this was what I wanted to do. "Under the mentorship of the stunning 2002 Miss USofA at Large Niesha Dupree, the stage persona www.cityxtramagazine.com 12
of Alexis Gabrielle Sherrington was born. Miss Dupree took me under her wing and adopted me as one of her drag children. I developed my abilities by entertaining friends and fans at local nightclubs. As time progressed I grew and constantly improved myself as both an entertainer and a stage persona. I went from entering contests on talent nights at local bars to winning some of the top titles around. "My accomplishments over the past several years have pushed me to strive for a better future for myself. I have won many international titles, including Miss Gay USofA 2002 and Miss Black Universe 2006, Entertainer of the Year 2016, Miss Continental, Miss Black Universe 2005, to name a few. Gabby often called by her friends has given back through her talents for many fundraisers helping LGBT Charities. Her passions continue in helping the next generation of female impersonation stars rise to their own GOD GIVEN POTENTIAL. And with over 30 pageant titles the children have an excellent role model to learn from.
Honoree Alvis Kellam Alvis was born and raised in Jacksonville, Florida. He attended local schools and graduated Terry Parker High School, Class of '84. He went on to attend the University of Tennessee at Martin on a football scholarship. Alvis is a single father of one adult son. --- Alvis currently serves as Vice President of Terry Parker Alumini Fund and is an active member of the Men's Mentorship program at Macedonia Baptist Church. A former Head Coach of Surge in Jacksonville. He also worked on the Alvin Brown neighborhood campaign. And he hosts an annual event to raise awareness and funds for JASMYN. Alvis lives in the Riverside area of Jacksonville.
Honoree Donna Fuchs "Here in Jacksonville, we're kind of the buckle in the Bible belt," said Donna Fuchs, executive director of Northeast Florida AIDS Network. "HIV carries a huge stigma in our city." Fuchs said the organization had trouble finding office space in 2000. One property owner refused to rent to the group, saying he didn't want people with AIDS in his buildings. Today, the office sits on a quiet, tree-lined street with a simple sign that reads: NFAN. A red ribbon, the ubiquitous sign for HIV/AIDS, usually adorns the logo for the organization. But not here. “I think AIDS does not receive the same level of attention as it did in the past. It is now often thought of as a chronic disease that can be managed long term with antiretroviral medications,” Fuchs said. “Without the same level of attention as it was receiving in the 1980s and 1990s, less people are exposed to the impact of AIDS on the community and we still have a growing infection rate,” Fuchs said.
Educational Leadership in Higher Education Administration here at UNF. He also has his Bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of North Florida and his Associates degree in Psychology from Polk State College. Jake has five years of experience working in Higher Education. In addition to Jake's work at the LGBT Resource Center, Jake has worked for the Department of Housing and Residence Life at the University of North Florida in many capacities most notably as a Resident Assistant for three years. As a Resident Assistant Jake gained experience with programming, publicity, crisis management, peer educator training, and conflict management.
While working with UNF's Department of Housing and Residence Life, their main focus was promoting a community that fostered diversity. Northeast Florida Aids Network is located in One of the ways they accomplished this was by Jacksonville, Florida. This organization primarily serving on the D.I.V.E. (Different Individuals operates in the Social Service Center business / Valuing Equality) Committee in order to promote industry within the Social Services sector. This and educate students on diversity in the residence organization has been operating for approximately halls. Further, they served on the Department of 25 years. Northeast Florida Aids Network is Housing and Residence Life’s Green Team which estimated to generate $2.1 million in annual focused on sustainability practice and education. revenues, and employs approximately 12 people Moreover, as a Resident Assistant they worked at this single location. with the UNF Interfaith Center on campus by Honoree Jake Moore serving on the Interfaith Week Steering Committee in order to put on a week-long event Jake leads program surrounding religious pluralism. development, educational initiatives, and student support Prior to working in Higher Education, Jake worked while also aiding with advocacy, for and volunteered at TiAnViCa Riding Academy, community outreach, and the an equestrian center that works with individuals development and implementation with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. of the Center’s annual goals. He Jake taught at-risk teenagers skills in an is recently acquired his M.Ed. in equestrian setting that aided in their development www.cityxtramagazine.com www.cityxtramagazine.com13 13
RAINBOW AWARDS JAX Continued
toward adulthood and he taught horseback riding skills to people of all ages who had physical, mental, and/or emotional disabilities.
Honoree Karrissa Wade Karrissa Wade Jacksonville’s queen of cabaret and comedy and community activist fighting for equal rights for all people. Karrissa Wade is a cutting edge of cabaret comedy. She prides herself in her charity work. Also an activist believing in equality for all. Special rights are never needed if there are equal rights. Karrissa reaches so many through her comedy opening the doors for dialogue. We can never know our future if we don't know our past, Education and awareness is the key. Miss Space Coast Comedy Queen 2014, Miss Georgia Comedy Queen 2015 Voted Best Host and MC in Rainbow Awards for the past 3 years, also Best LGBT blog for Big Boned and Bossy 2013. Recognized by numerous charities for her hard work and dedication. Voted best LGBT fan page and Best Host Rainbow Awards 2014.
"disabilities" by perceiving them as personal advantages. When his portfolio professor in college told him to choose a career that was not in art, it motivated him to prove what he could do. He has become an energetic and dynamic leader in the local community, the art world, and international commerce. Professional: Steve Williams is currently CEO of the multimillion dollar international sign company, Harbinger Sign, which specializes in custom fabrication for enterprises ranging from small local shops to national clients such as CSX and international clients such as 7 Eleven. A graduate of the University of North Florida, where he majored in Graphic Design, Steve is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operation including finance and risk management, production, sales and marketing, and human resources.
Artist: In addition to his more than 20 years with Harbinger, Steve is a working artist and gallerist. He has run several galleries in his career and currently owns and operates Florida Mining, a gallery committed to showcasing emerging to mid-career artists that create thought-provoking and fresh work. He is also a visual storyteller that utilizes a wide range of mediums—acrylic, latex, graphite, polycarbonate, aluminum, wood and vinyl—to create hand and computer-generated images that focus on developing new vocabularies Honoree Steve Williams to explore the relationship of chaos and order and He is a Jacksonville native, an how they work in tandem to build community. award-winning artist, an activist, and Steve has shown his work in a wide variety of a successful professional. Emerging galleries, museums and exhibitions. His work is from a community that labeled him currently on display in the Cummer Museum of Art "disabled" with diagnosis such as and Gardens as part of the Our Shared Past exhi"attention deficit disorder" and bition and he also has a piece in the museum’s "obsessive compulsive disorder," permanent collection. Williams learned to harness these Miss Georgia Comedy Queen 2015. An actor on CW17 TV show In The Pits. Star of Stage and Screen opening in places such as Florida Theater, Kluthos Cabaret, numerous night clubs and concert halls, recently a documentary by Crushed Black called Queen of Cabaret and also a writer for MetroJacksonville.com . An author, comedian, vocalist and activist. Always leave them smiling. .
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When To You Tell Someone You’re HIV+ By: Alex Kopel
If you are living with HIV, you may be wondering whether you can ever date or get married. The answer is: “Yes!” It’s true that the issue of having a sexual relationship with a partner can cause anxiety when you are living with HIV. But you have to remember—“living with HIV” means just that: Living! Having HIV does not prevent you from dating or marrying—it just may require a little more responsibility and trust from you and your partner. Disclosing your HIV-positive status to a potential intimate partner may be one of the most personal and stressful situations you will face. But when that information is shared, you and your partner can both make informed choices about safer sex, including using condoms and medicines that prevent and treat HIV. There is no “right” way to disclose, but here are some tips that can help you: Don’t wait until the heat of the moment to start talking about HIV. It’s better to talk about it earlier than later—certainly before you have sex.
wonder about the timing of the conversations.
A conversation does not have to be face-to-face. Whether you talk, type, or text, what is important is that you start the conversation about HIV. Need more? The CDC’s Start Talking. Stop HIV. Campaign has information and resources as well as practical tips for starting conversations about safe sex and HIV. Also, it’s important to keep in mind that many states have laws that require you to tell your sexual partners if you are HIV-positive before you have sex (anal, vaginal, or oral). In some states, you can be charged with a crime if you don’t tell your partner your HIV status, even if your partner doesn’t become infected. Learn more about state HIV-specific criminal laws at www.AIDS.gov
In addition, to promote safe and voluntary HIV disclosure and address the barriers that may Some people living with HIV have suggested that prevent some people living with HIV from it helps to talk about your status earlier in the disclosing their status, the President’s Advisory relationship than later. Disclosing you are HIVCouncil on HIV/AIDS (PACHA) and the CDC/ positive after you’ve become close to someone HRSA Advisory Committee on HIV, Viral Hepatitis can cause your partner to feel as though you have and STD Prevention and Care (CHAC) have kept something important from him or her. issued Joint Recommendations on Safe and Voluntary Disclosure of HIV in the United States Don’t force it. Find the right time and place to have a conversation. You can schedule a time to at www.AIDS.gov talk or have spontaneous conversations in a The BEST way to help fight HIV is to be tested setting where you are comfortable. and take your medications with treatment to prevent additional infections. Try scheduling regular check-ins or The highest of new HIV infections rates is the “talkiversaries.” The key to having a healthy younger generation. We have got to do more relationship is having an open dialogue throughout the relationship. It can be hard to find addition education and prevention with our youth. the right time to bring these things up. If you agree to schedule them in advance, no one has to www.cityxtramagazine.com 19
Will Trump Keep Promise To LGBT By Cyd Zeigler
“PRESIDENT TRUMP continues to be respectful and supportive of L.G.B.T.Q. rights,” the White House wrote in a statement last Tuesday. “The president is proud to have been the first ever G.O.P. nominee to mention the L.G.B.T.Q. community in his nomination acceptance speech, pledging then to protect the community from violence and oppression.” The occasion for this fine statement was an announcement that Mr. Trump would not roll back Obama-era protections for LGBT people working in the federal government or for federal contractors. In an otherwise tumultuous first two weeks, this was a relatively encouraging sign.
federally funded family services group refuses to offer counseling to same-sex or unwed parents? When a federal contractor fires a transgender worker simply because he or she has transitioned? Every government employee or contractor should have to serve all Americans and faithfully enforce anti-discrimination laws, a line that should remain as bright as it is now.
But hardly any time passed before Trump Press Secretary Sean Spicer took a different tone in the White House briefing room, saying that the “pendulum” has swung away from religious people “in the name of political correctness,” inflaming worries that the president may yet issue an executive order on “religious freedom” that would condone discrimination. For those across the country at risk of being turned away, fired or denied housing because of their sexual orientation, it certainly does not feel as though the pendulum has swung nearly enough in their direction.
It would also be a huge mistake for the president to sign any executive order singling out specific beliefs, such as opposition to same-sex marriage, abortion or premarital sex, for special protection.
Though the White House has neither floated nor endorsed any particular text, LGBT advocates fear that an order concerning the activities of federal agencies and contractors is on the way that may expand the scope for discrimination under the guise of religious freedom.
White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told us that, “There is nothing planned on this right now.” If Mr. Trump takes his words about respecting LGBT people seriously, there never will be.
Attention often focuses on the proverbial Christian baker who does not want to make a cake for a same-sex wedding. But an order offering broad cover to claim religious exemptions from anti-discrimination rules could extend far beyond that bakery. What happens when a worker at the Social Security Administration refuses to issue benefits legally due to same-sex couples? When a
This would be a repugnant signal that such an order is meant to advance a certain set of religious doctrines and not others, and it could well violate the First Amendment’s establishment clause. There is reason to think that the courts would intervene to stop some of the most egregious examples of discrimination under an expansive executive order. But that is not guaranteed.
Time will tell as the Trump Administration attempts to push back gains of LGBT to Trump. One must see the real problem might not be Trump himself but rather those within his administration. We just that our readers support the ACLU more today than every before as a defense to maintain the progress of our LGBT Community. www.cityxtramagazine.com 21
Your First-Date Do’s & Don’ts By James Joshlin
Nothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going out on a first date with a guy. Whether it’s a blind date or someone you’re already acquainted with, the first meeting with a dating prospect brings with it a host of emotions, more commonly a mixture of excitement and nervousness. As the pivotal moment approaches, thoughts can become centered on such questions as: “Will he like me?” “Will I like him?” “Is he going to be The One?” “What if I mess things up and make a fool of myself?” “What will I talk about? What if I run out of things to say?” Everyone’s experience is different, but the one common denominator that most daters would testify to is that it can be difficult to navigate through the waters of man-to-man dating. Although it’s changing, we gay men have few role models to emulate when it comes to love and romance. There’s no template to follow and we were never taught how to flirt with and date other men. There are no rules, no structure, and no guidance. How do two men join together in the “courtship dance?”
dating days, I showed up for a second date in a nice oxford shirt and jeans to then find my other half dressed to the nines in a French suit not realizing his intentions for the evening. It made for a very embarrassing moment and he cancelled the reservations he’d made for us for dinner at a ritzy, fine-dining establishment. He then changed into more casual clothes and took me to a family restaurant instead. Ouch! During the date be punctual and relax, be attentive to your date, and avoid controversial topics of discussion as these may be offensive to your date.
After the Date: 1 Whether your date was a smash hit or a disaster, exercise good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you’d like to see him again, state this and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don’t get caught up in the whole dating game of “How Before the Date: 1 When setting a time and many days should I hold off to call him to avoid place for your date, be sure to make it a short looking desperate?” or “I’m going to let him be meeting (1-2 hours) for the first time and select a the one to call me.” If you like him, take charge place that is either activity-oriented or allows for of your life and make that call. If you didn’t feel a lots of opportunity to talk. 2 Take the emphasis “love connection” with the guy, thank him for the off of it being a date and instead view it as a date and kindly and tactfully tell him that it’s not chance to meet a potential new friend. This can a match. 2 Do some de-briefing after your date help “take the edge off” and allow you to relax and reflect on your conduct, as well as your without focusing on the outcome of the date. date’s, and perhaps journal about the experiIf you’re particularly nervous, take some time to ence. How did you feel? How did you manage do some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, yourself during the date? What would you have visualization, etc.) to help soothe yourself and changed? What went well? What did you learn get centered. If you’re worried about what to talk about yourself as a result of this date? How about, generate a list of possible ideas would you rate the date and the guy you met? beforehand and role-play with a friend to build From what you can tell so far, is there compaticonfidence. 3 Dress comfortably and in clothing bility with your personal requirements and vision that makes you feel good about yourself. Make for a life partner? Is he matching up thus far with sure you and your date are on the same page your needs, wants, goals, and values? about the style of dress for your date. In my own Dating can be a nerve-wracking be good to you! www.cityxtramagazine.com 25
Loving Yourself By Michael Fitzgerald
Loving Yourself Changes Your Life More Than Anything Else You Can Do. Here’s the thing about loving ourselves: until we do it, we don’t realize its power. We think the reason for our unhappiness is “out there,” their love will end, or if you aren’t good and we go around searching for someone, or enough, or unworthy. something, to solve it for us. You aren’t afraid of getting hurt. You don’t We do whatever we can to avoid looking push love away, or run away, or subconinward, because looking inward feels scary. It sciously create reasons why your relationship means acknowledging our sadness, will let you down. You are at peace with yourremembering past hurts, facing our fears. We self, and can channel your energy into CREreject self-love as the powerful, uplifting force ATING what you want, not PROTECTING in our lives it can be. We reduce it to the what you don’t want to lose. territory of “conceited people” or scoff at the ridiculousness of “positive affirmations.” After all, why would someone else love us, if we don’t think we are worthy? We take our credit cards, our four course meals, our barely-satisfying relationships, and You feel giddy, light… free. we wrap ourselves in their protective cocoon… anything but acknowledging how we feel inside.But we are wrong… so very wrong about what loving ourselves means, and how it feels. Loving yourself means you don’t hide who you really are. You share your feelings – even the messy ones – and own up the truth of your life and your mistakes. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, because you know the only opinion that matters about your self-worth is your own.
You don’t accept bad treatment, or social pressure, or feel compelled to do things you don’t want to do just because you are “supposed to.” You can fully accept and enjoy being loved by someone else. You aren’t doubtful of their feelings. You never worry if www.cityxtramagazine.com 26