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Relationship Happiness Killer
Publisher/Executive Editor: David Vandygriff publisher@cityxtramagazine.com
- Dr. Harvey Carr
7 Tips For Gay Dating
Editor In Chief: Harvey Carr editor@cityxtramagazine.com
-Jack Smith
Reba McEntire: Love Somebody -David Vandygriff
Sales Department: Carlos Martinez sales@cityxtramagazine.com
Celebrating Our Military -David Vandygriff
I’m Cured of HIV! A What If -Tyler Curry
US Supreme Court Gay Marriage - Michael Joshlin
Creative Designer: Jason Smith designer@cityxtramagazine.com
cityXtra Magazine is published by cityXtra Magazine, LLC. 2941 Plum Street Jacksonville, FL 32205 (904) 410-9592 www.cityxtramagazine.com Like us on Facebook/cityxtramag Twitter/cityxtra
Contributing Writers Laura Riggs, Dr. Harvey Carr, Attorney Gordon Nicol, Meredith O’Malley Johnson, Tina Vaughn, Jake Moore, Tyler Curry Editor HIV Equal Online, Sebastian Fortino, David Vandygriff, Joey Amato Publisher Unite Magazine
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RELATIONSHIP HAPPINESS KILLER By Dr. Harvey Carr When we talk about marital killers, we tend to focus on lust and affairs, substance abuse, physical violence, busyness, poor priorities, and financial stress. Fair enough. But there’s another killer of marital happiness that gets far too little press. Negative thinking can be catastrophic to marital happiness. here is still brilliance in the stars, blue in the sky and color in the rose. Live by what you have, We’re told in Philippians 4:8 to choose to think rather than by what you do not have.” Now that about positive things: “Whatever is true, whatever would not be such a bad motto for life, would it? is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if No life is perfect. No life is even always easy. anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about Yes, some lives are easier than others, but such things.” The spirit behind this verse is sim- choosing to dwell on the negative, obsess over ple—look for the blessing in the midst of the the negative, wanting everyone to know just how burdens so that you look at the burden in an hard it is for you is a temptation, and it sucks the entirely new light. joy out of life. It destroys many a relationship/ marriage. Negative-thinking people find the smallest burden in the midst of any blessing and wring any We all need to sometimes ask ourselves, “How possible joy out of life by saying that since life is has my negativity served me, my family, and my less than perfect, life really stinks. God in the previous years? Has it made me feel better? Has it lessened my pain or increased it? Joseph Sizoo, pastor of St. Nicholas Collegiate Has it led to greater intimacy with others, or has it Reformed Protestant Dutch Church in Manhattan, made my friends and loved ones want to leave 1936-1947, called people out on this when he me alone more often?” said, “Take it in the matter of health. Many there are who carry about frail bodies. Much of the day If spouse or friend has suggested you read this is spent in struggling against physical weakness, article, or sent you the link, take a deep breath. until actually they come to enjoy poor health. They They love you. They want to enjoy life with you. emphasize what they have not, rather than the They hate what has happened to you (be it measure of health they still enjoy. In so doing they financial, relational, or physical), but they also only increase their own misery and that of others. want to assure you of as much enjoyment of what Live with the health that you still have.” is left in your life as is supernaturally possible. It might, indeed, hurt to smile right now, but your It can also be financial. Writing shortly after the constant frown may be hurting your spouse more great depression, Sizoo said, “For multitudes the than you could possibly know. savings of a lifetime have been swept away. All that they have worked for in the years gone by No life is easy. Every life is hard. Maybe yours has suddenly turned to ashes. But the pity of it is seems particularly hard, but negative thinking will that they are forever rehearsing their adversity only take a tough life and make it worse. and reminding the world of what they no longer have. They seemingly forget that many things are still left to us: the sun still rises at its appointed time; the tides of the sea still run in ebb and flow; t
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7 TIPS FOR GAY DATING By Atty. Gordon Nicol
Let’s face it, finding the man you’d like to spend the rest of your life with isn’t easy. Then again, should it be? Think of the time and energy (and maybe money) you spend on finding the perfect apartment or the perfect job. Why would finding a life partner be any less difficult? There are many things to consider when you’re looking for lasting love. Here are seven that should be at the top of your list: 1) What traits matter to you? Is it age? Body type? Hair or eye color? Religion? Job or income? Education? Sense of humor? The list can go on and on. You should spend some time making your list. Then go through it and rank those traits to decide what matters most (and remember, as Taylor Swift once said, “I think the perfection of love is that it’s not perfect.”) 2) One you’ve got that list made, you can start your search. A dark bar late at night probably isn’t the best place for that. Yes, you might catch that winning smile. You might have a conversation that reveals an adorable sense of humor. But there’s so much more that you won’t find out over a beer or Cosmo. That’s where the web can help. With gay online dating sites like Compatible Partners, you’ll save the time and money you’d spend wandering from bar to nightclub to coffee shop. 3) Compatible Partners can’t do all the work. It can find you a great match. But then you have to meet. Brunch? Dinner? A movie? How about starting instead with a cup of coffee? There are several advantages to a coffee date as a first meeting. A coffee date can last ten minutes or two hours, as long as you and he want it to.
4) Before the barista serves up that first coffee, have in your mind what you want to know and what you want to share. This is date No. 1, so don’t go asking about income or delve into controversial subjects like politics. Yes, he may turn out to be a Republican, or a leftwing anarchist. Once you get to know him better you’ll be able to decide whether you can work with that. 5) Ask questions about him, and show him that you hear his answers. People are attracted to people who are curious about them, who want to understand them. Again, we’re not talking about questions about wealth and fame. We’re talking about how he lives his life. 6) If you’re nervous on a first date, or you sense he is, acknowledge it. Being nervous is natural, especially if you really are feeling a connection. 7) A first date rarely tells you what you want to know, even when you’ve been brought together by an online dating service like Compatible Partners that maps your personality and interests against his. He may have had a rough day, or you may have had one. Either or both of you might be feeling anxious. So if you finish that cup of coffee and you’re not sure, suggest another meet up. Yes, this takes time. But if you’re looking for someone you might spend the rest of your life with, invest that time and energy (and even a little money) to do it right. www.cityxtramagazine.com 9
REBA MCENTIRE: LOVE SOMEBODY By David Vandygriff
Even by phone, Reba McEntire makes you feel right at home. "Thanks for the visit; I've enjoyed visitin' with you!" the singer drawls, wrapping up our conversation as if I'd just stopped by for buttered grits and a cup of hot coffee. A music, television, film and theater superstar with a trove of prestigious awards, Reba is enormously famous, but talking to her, you wouldn't know it. She comes across more like a friend. Fancy? Not so much. And she certainly won't let her rabid gay following down - she has delighted in a friendship with the LGBT community since the beginning of her 40-year career.
shouldn't they get married and be as miserable as the rest of us?" (Laughs) You don't seem so miserable in your marriage, though. No, not at all. But I don't understand why people have a problem with it. I'm a very spiritual person, but I don't judge. I try not to; I'm only human. To each his own, and everybody is different. God did not make us all the same. So, I just pray for an open mind and a loving heart, and I think that's all I can do.
In your four decades as a country musician, how much progress do you think the genre has made Now, as she released her 27th studio album, "Love when it comes to embracing LGBT fans with open Somebody," the country icon's ready to take some arms? serious stands. Well, I've always embraced gay and lesbian fans In our chat, Reba stresses the importance of gay with both arms. I have a huge gay following! marriage, how "sad" it is to know that some country artists feel they can't come out, and her message to Absolutely. But country music as a whole - do you see progress when it comes to LGBT equality? parents who can't accept a child who's not straight. You grew up in a town with, like, 16 people and lots Yeah, I do. There are more (artists) speaking out of cows. I imagine there weren't a lot of gay people about it, but I can't really speak for anyone else other than myself. in Chockie, Oklahoma. Nope, nope. Not at all that I know of, or in high school. I guess in college was the first time I was around any gay people, and they became my friends first and then I found out they were gay, so there ya go! Didn't change my opinion of 'em; I still liked 'em a lot.
If Reba, Wynonna and Dolly drag queens were to compete, how would you mentor the Reba queen to ensure her victory?
Good lands - that's a hard question! Because Wynonna is such a character! I love her with all my heart. Dolly is bigger than life, and I love her with all As a longtime ally, how important are LGBT equality my heart. So I'd say, get out there and work your tail off! and same-sex marriage rights to you? Very important. I just went to my first gay wedding a Throughout the years, there's been some pretty darn couple of months ago in California for Michael and good Rebas. I'm sure you've encountered some Steven, my two great friends. They've been together yourself. for 20 years! I thought that it was not fair, and I didn't Totally, absolutely! I've had a Reba impersonator in understand why they couldn't get married. It wasn't my (touring) show before, and David (Lowman aka because they just wanted to get married. If one of Coti Collins) came off the stage one night and he them had gotten injured and gone to the hospital, the said he'd done such a good job of impersonating me other one couldn't make decisions for them. It's very in the song "Fancy" that the limo driver opened the upsetting. It's not only for convenience or for door for him. romantic reasons - it's for practicality. For practical reasons! I get a kick out of what Dolly said: "Why I have to know: When's the big hair coming back?
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(Laughs) I can't get (my stylist) Brett Freedman to get it that high anymore! My good friend Shane Tarleton is always saying, "Get that big hair out. Jack it up to Jesus!" Is that your real hair? Yeah, it's my real hair now. I did wear wigs when I did "Annie Get Your Gun," and then on one tour where we went from Reba in 1974 to present Reba, I did wear the big wigs and had my short hair at the end. What has made you gravitate toward themes of empowerment, then? Because I think they're important. To be e ncouraging. These songs are encouraging; they're encouraging to folks. Every song I sing has a message, and it might not be for me and I might not have experienced what's going on in the song, but I think it's for somebody who needs to hear it. I've had people come up to me before saying, "You have no idea how so-and-so song changed my life. It helped me through a bad situation." God knows what he's doing. He gives me the gut feeling to say yes to this song, yes to that song. And it might not have anything to do with my career, my lifestyle, but he's got somebody down the road who needs to hear it. Would you consider recording a country song inspired by a gay person's story?
support and love, mainly love. Love can go a long, long ways whether they're gay or not. All the troubles and the problems and the obstacles that they are going to face in their lives are going to be astronomical, especially in their very young, inexperienced minds. And if they do happen to be gay, that's going to be a harder hurdle to get over. What a parent needs to do more than anything is jump in there with love and support. You made 'em. They're a gift from God. Love 'em as they are.
With Billy Gilman, Ty Herndon and Brandy Clark, there's been a recent wave of country musicians It just depends on the song. If it touches my heart, coming out. What are your thoughts on these artists taking that step and coming out publicly? absolutely. It's really, really sad what they're living with before Your daughter-in-law, Kelly Clarkson, told me recently that she didn't care if one of her kids turned they decide to come out. And then why they decide out to be gay. And then you actually backed her on to come out, and how they deal with it after they've that on Facebook, posting "amen!" on the article. As come out - the pressure society puts upon them, a grandparent, and a parent yourself, what kind of their families and what they put upon them, whether message do you hope to send by affirming your they accept it or they don't. You know, my new album is called "Love Somebody" ... I wish it'd been open-mindedness when it comes to loving and called "Love Everybody." You gotta love people for caring for a child regardless of sexual orientation? who they are. Accept them, and then go on with life. What a child needs when they're growing up is
CELEBRATING OUR MILITARY By David Vandygriff
To most of us Memorial Day weekend is just an opportunity to spend three-days lazing around the pool making plans for the upcoming summer vacation, or hitting the malls looking for bargains. Hence it is often easy to forget the real significance of this holiday - A day to honor the brave men and women who have sacrificed their lives whilst serving in our armed forces. Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in service of the United States of America. Over two dozen cities and towns claim to be the birthplace of Memorial Day. While Waterloo N.Y. was officially declared the birthplace of Memorial Day by President Lyndon Johnson in May 1966, it’s difficult to prove conclusively the origins of the day.
the graves of the 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers buried there. The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war).
It is now observed in almost every state on the last Monday in May with Congressional Regardless of the exact date or location of its passage of the National Holiday Act of 1971 origins, one thing is clear – Memorial Day was borne out of the Civil War and a desire to The “National Moment of Remembrance” honor our dead. It was officially proclaimed resolution was passed on Dec 2000 which on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, asks that at 3 p.m. local time, for all Amerinational commander of the Grand Army of cans “To voluntarily and informally observe in the Republic, in his General Order No. 11. their own way a Moment of remembrance “The 30th of May, 1868, is designated for the and respect, pausing from whatever they are purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise doing for a moment of silence or listening to decorating the graves of comrades who died ‘Taps.” in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost So on this Memorial Day, as you chow down every city, village and hamlet churchyard in on your burgers and slurp on your root beer the land,” he proclaimed. The date of floats, do take a minute to reflect on all those Decoration Day, as he called it, was chosen brave men and women who gave up their because it wasn’t the anniversary of any lives for our nation and allowed you this particular battle. freedom. On the first Decoration Day, General James Garfield made a speech at Arlington National Happy Memorial Day and thank to EVERY Cemetery, and 5,000 participants decorated one that proudly serves in our military. www.cityxtramagazine.com 17
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"I'm Cured of HIV!" A What-If Scenario By Tyler Curry
Yet it’s hard to believe that any simple pill or shot could fully restore a person to who they were before that fateful day when they first heard "You are HIV-positive." And in my case, at least, I am not so sure I would want it to. To be fully cured of HIV would suggest that the virus is purely a physical one and that all symptoms could be ameliorated with one vaccine or a definitive cure. As we head toward the fourth decade of epidemic, we know that HIV is just as much of a psychological disease as it is physiological. So when the body is healed from this horrid virus, what residual side effects will linger in the mind? Prior to being diagnosed, the stigma of HIV can seem to exist inside of a bubble. No matter how sensitive you are to the issue, it is one that stays on the periphery of your world. For me, there was always an unconscious feeling of immunity.
of people who we constantly make assumptions about that deserve to be recognized for their individual worth instead of their demographic or disease checkbox.
If an HIV-positive person is single, it is inevitable that they will run into at least a few instances of rejection because the other person fears them for one reason or another. In the gay community, this fear is often based on ignorance surrounding the disease and how it is transmitted. But to be able to understand that and not take it personally is practically impossible when you are in the moment.
So, if tomorrow there were a cure for HIV, would the guy who once rejected you now want to go on Post-positive, the bubble that held all of the fears, a date? Would the friend who felt uncomfortable assumptions and misconceptions concerning HIV around you call you up for coffee again? Maybe. no longer stays safely separated from logic and But the symptoms that linger from the virus will reason. Once diagnosed, you become most likely keep you from accepting these instantaneously terrified that someone you know dum-dum invites. One thing that will always will notice the transparent film that superficially remain is that you will know you deserve better separates you from everyone else. This is than someone who would deny you for being psychology that often permeates the mindset of positive, regardless of if you have been cured or newly positive men and women. not. Even if a person chooses to live an open life with HIV, there is still the slut-shaming. No matter how a person has contracted the virus, they will inevitably endure a healthy amount of character assumptions from acquaintances. OK, so this is all of the negative that comes with being HIV-positive. But there are symptoms that arise from being diagnosed that are truly life-changing in the best way. HIV isn’t the only scarlet letter that people in our society have to bear. There are countless groups
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One day, we will have a cure for HIV. But those who have taken a journey with the virus will forever be changed. It would be a travesty to forget the physical and emotional battle that so many people lost to get us to the end of this epidemic. In the future, I will no longer have to write about HIV stigma in the present. But this epic battle of both the body and the mind is definitely one for the history books. So, here’s to the cure. And for all of us to be able to eventually say…
US SUPREME COURT GAY MARRIAGE By Michael Joshlin The US Supreme Court has heard arguments in a historic case that could legalize same-sex marriage nationally. Outside the court, protesters for and against rallied with signs, music, and preaching reflecting the deep and sometimes bitter national divide. Inside, the proceedings were interrupted by someone shouting that the justices would "burn in hell" if they were to back gay marriage. Currently, 36 of the 50 US states allow same-sex couples to marry. Based on their questions, the nine justices appeared divided on the issue. The court is also determining whether to require states to recognize marriages performed in other states. Justice Anthony Kennedy, whose vote could prove pivotal on the issue, said marriage has been understood as being between one man and one woman for "millennia-plus time". He also questioned whether scholars and the public had had enough time to debate the issue. But he also challenged John Bursch, a lawyer representing the states that ban same-sex marriage, to explain how the legalization of same-sex marriage would harm traditional marriages. For his part, Mr. Bursch argued that child-rearing is the central rationale for marriage. Removing it would weaken people's commitments to stay together because of children they share. The case - Obergefell v Hodges and the consolidated cases - carries the name of Jim Obergefell, an Ohio resident who was not recognized as the legal widower of his late husband, John Arthur. Mr Obergefell said to BBC's Gary O'Donoghue outside the court on Tuesday: "I'm here today to continue fighting for my husband, for our marriage, to continue to honor and protect him." For many there, including Pastor Larry Hickam from Amarillo, Texas, the issue is a matter of religious belief. "I'm not trying to be mean or ugly, it's just what God said," he said as he cited biblical
verse and explained his belief that marriage should be between a man and woman. "The Supreme Court can do want whatever they want, but the Supreme God has already spoken," he said. A few feet away, Rio Franciosa and his boyfriend John Hall held hands as they watched Mr Hickam and others preach. At one point, Mr. Franciosa quipped: "If people in 500 years read Harry Potter, they will think we played quidditch." On the sidewalks outside the court, the argument against expanding same-sex marriage rights appeared to be largely based in religious belief. Inside however, the argument is rooted in a broader debate over states' rights. "The case is not about the best marriage definition. It is about the fundamental question regarding how our democracy resolves such debates about social policy." Mr. Bursch wrote in his main brief to the court. The lawyers' arguments and the justices' questioning gives the public its first glimpse into the court's thinking on the matter. The justices are considering whether the US Constitution's 14th Amendment require every state to grant a marriage license to two people of the same sex. And they are also pondering whether the same amendment requires every state to recognize a marriage between two people of the same sex that was performed lawfully in another state. The first state to allow same-sex marriage was Massachusetts, which granted the right in 2004. Today, same-sex couples can marry in 36 states and the federal district of Washington, DC.
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