Cp august 2017 back to school

BACK TO SCHOOL

The juggling act How to help kids keep all the balls in the air Jaylah Mickle, 14, of Willowbrook, is one busy girl with school, dance, track, basketball and a host of other activities. Her mom, Ericka Polanco-Webb, says helping her stay organized is key.

BY MELISSA SILVERBERG PHOTOS BY THOMAS KUBIK

A

fter years of running her two kids through a long schedule of sports, homework and activities, Arlington Heights mom Jamie Bartosch heard a surprising question: Can we just do nothing today?

“That, to me, was a real wakeup call,” Bartosch says of JJ and Annie, who are starting seventh and ninth grades this fall.

“I thought I was being a good mom by putting them in a lot of stuff and helping them to try things, but that was like, whoa, we have to bring this down a notch,” she says.

Bartosch’s family is not the only one racing around from activity to activity, a schedule that gets even busier as school starts and

homework is thrown back into the mix. Juggling so many busy schedules can get stressful and exhausting, not just for the

34 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

parents, but for the kids.

Michael J. Bradley, a clinical psychologist who has worked with teens for almost four decades and is the author of the new book, Crazy Stressed, Saving Today’s Overwhelmed Teens with Love, Laughter, and the Science of Resilience, says the stresses facing kids today are the worst he’s seen. In addition to school, sports, activities, family time and friends, Bradley says technology is pushing on students and stressing them out from all angles.

“The typical day for a teenager makes my head spin, I don’t know how

they do it,” he says.

And for many teens and young adults, the balancing act is getting more difficult to keep up, Bradley says, as record numbers of children are being diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

“Our expectations have gotten way out of hand,” Bradley says. “We’ve raised the bar beyond what most of these kids can handle and it’s a recipe for disaster.”

The good news, though, is that parents have the power to change their kids’ schedules, set expectations from a young age and find time for fun.

Head off stress at an early age While high school is typically the time that student stress can boil over, Bradley says it’s important to start preparing your child from birth to deal with stress. Two things parents can do from a young age are to build resilience and to let children make decisions on their own.

“We need to make sure our mission is not to control our kids, but to make sure they can control themselves,” he says. “They need to learn how

to make decisions and handle the consequences of those decisions.”

That could mean missing a homework assignment or sporting activity because they weren’t ready and then handling the fallout on their own.

Bradley says parents today have a difficult time letting their children fail at anything, but it can be an important lesson.

“Failure in the proper doses can be very strengthening,” he says.

Find what works for your family When Christina Rogers is racing around taking Isabella, 10, and Michael and Magdalena, twin 7-year-olds, to three different sports leagues and endless club meetings—student council, book club, jump rope club—it can seem hectic, but there is a method to her madness.

During the school year, the Tinley Park mom balances

part-time work on top of the busy schedules of her three kids, but she does it with a set of ground rules that keep everyone on track.

Each kid is only allowed to play one sport per season. Every activity has to be written down on the big white board in the CONTINUED ON PAGE 36

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 35

THE JUGGLING ACT dining room command center.

She’s also learned that it’s OK to say ‘no’.

“Don’t worry about what the friends or neighbors do, it’s not a competition,” Rogers says. “In order to keep your sanity, you have to put your foot down on the commitments.”

If you are busy scheduling your student in activity after activity, step back and make sure they are actually enjoying it.

Bradley suggests a few questions to ask about an overly busy kid: Is she smiling? Is she tired, but happy? Does she wake up saying she can’t wait to go to this activity? Or is her head down, shoulders hunched? Does she have the worried look of a Wall Street executive? Is she really having fun?

Schedule downtime After Bartosch’s kids asked for a night off, she realized how important it was to plan to do

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 35

nothing.

“It’s so important to give them a break. I think building in time to just chill at home is so important,” Barosch says.

Make downtime a priority and don’t reschedule or cancel it any more than you would cancel an actual activity on the calendar.

“That’s my job as the scheduler to make sure everyone gets a night off built in each week.”

Stay organized With two very busy daughters, including our cover girl, Jaylah, a son with special needs and a baby, Ericka Polanco-Webb of Willowbrook has her hands full.

And juggling the schedules of the kids’ three schools, their inschool and afterschool activities, her son’s doctor appointments and all the things everyday life throws at you can be a real struggle, she admits.

“Having a plan has worked with the hustle and bustle,” she

36 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

says. “... Every day I’m thinking what I can do to make this or that easier for them.”

Key is using a huge chalkboard to manage everyone’s schedules and the week’s meals.

But she also holds a family meeting every Monday night to look over grades and talk in detail about each person’s schedule. They also talk about what worked the previous week and what can be improved the coming week.

Even the family dog is on a schedule.

Compete for happiness Parents admit that pulling back on activities—even if it is best for your family—can be difficult in such a competitive environment.

“There’s so much pressure on kids nowadays to be the best,” Rogers says. “When we were kids we didn’t start organized

sports until we were practically teenagers, now it’s like if you haven’t started baseball by age 5, you’re behind. It’s a bit much.”

Jaylah juggles four dance classes, track, basketball and school as well as carving out time for a social life. It can mean very early mornings and very late nights. “For her, it is all about time management,” Polanco-Webb says.

But when the schedules conflict and are impossible, she focuses on what the kids really love. For Jaylah, that’s dance. “We’ll always find a way to make it all work.”

As kids get closer to high school and college applications, many parents struggle with the idea of pushing their kid into every activity, AP class or sport in the hopes of helping them get ahead later in life. Bradley says we should worry more about happiness.

“It’s all about helping kids find out who they are: purpose and passion,” he says.

BACK TO SCHOOL

Back-to-school

jitters

Ways to bust stress and anxiety before things gets out of hand

BY DANIELLE BRAFF and MEGAN MURRAY ELSENER

P

iper Pezalla loved school ... right up until the week before second grade

started.

That’s when her back-toschool jitters began.

“She’d be up at night crying and would be inconsolable,” says her mom, Anne Pezalla.

“She didn’t want to go to school—she just wanted to stay home with me.”

When Amanda Simkin’s 5-year-old son, Logan, began his first year in his new preschool, his jitters came on strong the week before school began.

Logan started complaining of stomachaches.

“It got so bad that instead of going to the first day of school, we went to the emergency room,” says Simkin, of Arlington Heights.

Anne Pezalla and Amanda Simkins aren’t the only mothers who have dealt with a nervous child—and they definitely won’t be the last to comfort a child anxious about returning to school.

“This generation of children does experience elevated rates of stress and anxiety,” says Lisa Lowry, licensed clinical social worker at Lowry and Associates in Chicago.

In fact, school-related anxiety affects 2 to 5 percent of school-age children, but it’s much more common in times of transition: when a child starts kindergarten, middle school or high school, according to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America.

In preschool, for instance, anxiety appears in the form of separation anxiety, says Colleen Napleton, executive director of Inner Life Psychological Services based in Hinsdale and in Chicago.

“The first separations are often really difficult,” Napleton

Piper and Anne Pezalla says. “It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid, and it’s not easy for toddlers to handle.”

But fortunately, these jitters tend to dissipate after a few weeks.

For kids nervous about starting a new school or transitioning to a new grade, a few weeks is all it should take to adjust, as long as they don’t have bigger anxiety issues, says Dawn Huebner, author of What to Do When You Worry Too Much.

Huebner explains that some children are prone to getting nervous before school starts, while others will walk confidently through those doors without a care in the world— and it has to do with how they’re biologically wired.

“Some children have more trouble coping with change, so each new school year feels like a minefield,” Huebner

Photo by Frank Pinc

says. “These same children tend to have more easily triggered danger alarms.”

Many are also more prone to thinking about what can go wrong rather that what can go right.

Some of the signs may be complaining about headaches or stomachaches or generally about not feeling well. Kids might also have a hard time getting out of bed during the week, but no problems on the weekends, says Gregory Chasson, licensed clinical psychologist and owner of Obsessive-Compulsive Solutions of Chicago.

Fortunately, back-to-school jitters, or the absence of them, have little to do with how well students will do in school once the year is under way, Huebner says.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 38

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 37

JITTERS

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 37

What to do There are a few other ways parents can help ease jitters.

“A good first step is validating your child’s anxiety and letting him know that it’s OK to experience this emotion and that we all get anxious from time to time,” Chasson says.

“Perhaps the most powerful strategy for parents is to model effective coping. You can show your child that anxiety is not deadly and that we can choose healthier strategies than to avoid, escape or ritualize as a way to cope with that anxiety.”

Pezalla and Simkins came up with solutions that fit their kids.

When Piper, of Oak Park, became terrified of school, her mother tried talking about school, setting up playdates with her school friends and playing in the school playground—to no avail.

“What finally worked was getting a local artist to make matching lockets for us,” Pezalla says. “I put my picture and her father’s picture in hers; her picture and her brother’s picture in mine. She loved it.”

In Logan’s case, for the first few weeks of school,

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his morning routine included 20 minutes of bathroom time before school. But before long, he made a good friend and the situation resolved itself, his mother says.

Tamar Chansky, author of Freeing your Child from Anxiety, suggests parents help their kids take charge of their fears. Have them list out their worries and then fact-check each worry to create a more accurate version of what’s going to happen, Chansky says.

If the back-to-school jitters don’t dissipate, however, this may be more than a case of school nerves, says Ronald Rapee, author of Helping Your Anxious Child.

Anxiety can begin at any age, but it usually emerges in the preschool years.

“Even when a child shows a serious level of anxiety at a later age, parents will often say that he has been a sensitive or emotional child for as long as they can remember,” Rapee says.

The best question for a parent to ask themselves is: “‘Is the anxiety affecting my child’s life?’” Rapee says.

If the answer is, “Yes,” then it’s worth seeking help, he says.

BACK TO SCHOOL

Stuff we

love (Almost) too cute for school

Your little ones will skip out the door this year and you’ll be swooning at the cuteness thanks to the 27 animal options in Skip Hop’s Zoo Packs. (Our faves are the London Leopard and Dax Dalmatian.)

Lunchboxes, $15, matching water bottle, $7, adorable backpack, $20; skiphop.com

Stick it to the man ... With the unconventional and fun styles of Postit Notes, that is. The emoji Postits are sure to be a hit. One pack includes four emotions for kids to stick on every surface imaginable (from $2.99) so maybe they’ll stay more organized. For trendy kids (or parents), pick up a fun vintage Post-it Pop-up Note Camera Dispenser (from $9.99). post-it.com

What’s that stink?

Parents of active kids know that their odors can be overwhelming (hazmat suit, anyone?). Now Remodeez comes to the stinky rescue. Packs of activated charcoal and coconut husks neutralize and absorb the odors. Perfectly sized for shoes, lockers and even gear bags and mini-vans filled with boys. $9.99, remodeez.com

Better baggies The earth has a ton of baggage, specifically all those sandwich bags we use to pack lunches and snacks. Stasher is an easily sealable, freezable and reusable alternative. Did we mention that they are also microwave and dishwasher safe? The kids will love the fun patterns or the special notes parents can write using a dry erase marker. $9.99-$11.99, stasherbag.com

Snacktastic If you consider yourself a smart cookie, the choice of Otis Spunkmeyer’s Chocolate Chunk Cookie is easy for this year’s lunches. And Spunkmeyer means no artificial flavors or colors for hungry tummies. Their snack cakes satisfy a multitude of tastes, including Iced Lemon loaf or this fall, the Iced Pumpkin and Cinnamon Crumb Loaf cakes.

Handy helper

Germs begone The crud that comes home in the bottom of the kids’ lunchboxes can be seriously disgusting! That’s where e-cloth comes in. The allergy-free polyester and polyamide fibers make combating lurking bacteria, yeast and mold nightly a breeze. It is reusable up to 300 washes. $7.99, ecloth.com

While moms have the uncanny ability to find every misplaced item their kids lose, they can’t recreate their kids’ notes for that important test. Now your kid can digitally store their notes with the IRISNotes Air 3. It creates editable digital copies of any notes or drawings when the receiver is clipped onto standard paper and paired with the digital pen. Come to think of it, moms might want one, too. $149, irislink.com

Lunch.Mastered.

Nalgene’s dishwashersafe Lunch Box Buddy ($24.99) is a parent’s best friend. Just add Nalgene’s portion control storage containers and you’ll have making lunches the night before mastered. Plus, you probably already know few water bottles beat Nalgene’s; this year’s Marvel Collection line includes kid fave Spider-Man. ($11.99). nalgene.com Compiled by Brooke McKenzie ChicagoParent.com August 2017 41

PRESCHOOL

The littlest learners

Tips to support learning

How to avoid school burnout from day one

1

Talk to your child and listen to their responses. Ask questions about what they are thinking and feeling and respond supportively.

2

Take the time to answer their questions. If you don’t know the answer, look it up together or even talk about what your best guess might be.

3

S

BY JANE BOKUN

tarting preschool or pre-kindergarten is a big step, one that can be as scary, as exciting or as overwhelming as you let it be.

That goes for both you and your child.

“That’s why it’s so important to introduce your child to the idea of being in a classroom away from a parent ahead of time,” says Diego Ferney Giraldo, early childhood education officer at Chicago Public Schools.

Don’t sweat the small things and don’t worry about if your child has absolutely everything in order before they begin school, says Jake Hanifin, preschool director for Butler Children’s Prep of Chicago.

“That’s what preschools are for, to teach kids how to get ready for the next phase of school.”

He says it’s a great idea for parents and their kids to visit the new preschool and get to know their teachers and the environment before the first day.

While things like potty training are important to achieve before preschool, don’t forget to keep learning fun, says Kay Viecelli, of Sprouts Academy Preschool

in Chicago.

“When they learn through play, we don’t seem to have a problem getting them where they need to be,” she says.

According to Viecelli, there is more than enough time to conquer all fears before they enter kindergarten. Luckily, preschool also often gets kids ready for the 300 early learning standards, including social, emotional, science and math learning, that kids must know before entering kindergarten.

As always, she says, it’s important to make sure kids are enjoying learning and excited to go to school.

“We don’t want them burned out or not enjoying learning,” Viecelli says.

Read aloud to your child.

4

Encourage your child to draw and write—in a journal, on scrap paper, anywhere.

5

Share your interests with your child and encourage them to tell you about what they like.

6 7

Play at the local park.

Attend meetings with your child’s teacher and follow through on the teacher’s suggestions for how to support academic development at home.

8

Praise your child for hard work and trying again—this teaches your child to keep going, even when they are faced with a challenge.

SOURCE: CHICAGO PUBLIC SCHOOLS

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 43

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Big brother’s kindergarten SURVIVAL GUIDE Been there, done that and here’s the important stuff

BY DAVID TELISMAN

W

e have a kindergartner on our hands.

While it’s not exactly a major milestone like entering young adulthood or completing a marathon, our 5-year-old boy feels a change is in the air. He’s excited and a little anxious so his older brother and early childhood education elder statesman provided the following kindergarten survival tips for him and other kindergarten newbies.

1

Dress nicely on your first day

“It’s important to make a good first impression,” he emphasized, rifling through his brother’s closet like a Hollywood stylist.

He assembled an outfit of khakis and an argyle sweater. “This is pretty good,” he said before spotting a button down and clip-on tie and swapping tops. “This is what you need to wear.”

2

Pretend school is like our house

Yikes! Among other things, that would mean that each stair step in the building would be inadvertently booby trapped with a neglected Duplo car and all the boys bathrooms’ sinks smeared with toothpaste. My son offered clarification: “I’m trying to tell him to think of school like another home so that he’s comfortable.” Oh. CONTINUED ON

Jake Telisman and little brother, Evan.

PAGE 46

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 45

KINDERGARTEN GUIDE

3

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 45

Brush your teeth before going to school

I mean, vanity and good personal hygiene go hand in hand, but my youngest son doesn’t see it that way. “I don’t need to brush my teef all the time,” he said. “The toofpaste is too spicy.” His older brother wasn’t having it. “Trust me, you do. I had three cavities because I wasn’t brushing my teeth enough.

And you want good breath. Your teacher will appreciate that.”

4

Learn first grade math so that you’ll be smarter than everyone else

My son wants his little brother to become the first-ever valedictorian of a kindergarten class.

How will he gain a competitive advantage over his fellow ambitious students? “I made a workbook for him when I was in timeout yesterday. But he hasn’t done any of them yet.”

His little brother just shrugged and smiled.

5

Go to the bathroom.

Don’t wait.

“It’s not healthy to hold it in, and you can’t concentrate well when you have to go to the bathroom, and then you won’t learn as much.”

46 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

Bugs bego ne

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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

The lowdown on

creepy crawlies Know how to prevent head lice and what to look for as kids head back to school

B

BY MEGAN MURRAY ELSENER ack to school time comes with one dreaded threat: lice. But when that note comes home from school, don’t freak out!

“The biggest misconception about lice is that it means you are dirty or that it affects certain groups more than others,” says Eduart Tare, owner of Hair Butterflies. “Lice do not discriminate!

No matter the race, religion or economic status, anyone can get lice.”

Each year, between 6-12 million kids ages 3-11 in the United States get head lice.

In fact, lice actually thrive in clean hair and are very contagious. Despite popular belief, they do not jump, fly or swim and they can only be transferred by direct contact.

“Lice can only crawl. So sharing personal items like brushes, hats and hair ties help spread lice along with social activities,” Tare says.

There is no complete safeguard against lice, but there are things you can try.

Maria Botham of Hair Fairies suggests trying

48 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

a natural route since lice have not developed a tolerance for natural products.

“Try to use products with natural oils, such as tea tree, witch hazel, rosemary, lavender, peppermint and nettle with astringent properties. Also wearing protective hairstyles and applying prevention oils before school are good safeguards,” Botham says.

It’s also a good idea to do weekly checks on your child’s hair, especially considering only 50 percent of head lice cases cause itching.

Nits to nymphs When checking for lice, it’s important to understand the different stages and what to look for.

Head lice eggs, called nits, are hard to see and are often confused as dandruff.

When the eggs hatch to release a nymph, the nit shell becomes a more visible dull yellow and remains attached to the hair.

Nymphs mature about seven days after hatching and become adults called louses with six legs, each with a claw, and are tan to grayish-white.

Adults multiply quickly, laying up to eight eggs a day and can live up to 30 days on someone’s head.

“Nits are usually about ¼ inch away from the scalp,” Tare says.

“They vary in color from a translucent white to a darker brown-gray. Nits will not come off easily. Anything that flakes off is definitely not nits.”

Bothan says nits can look like sesame seeds. “If you run your finger through the hair strand with a nit, it feels like a knot on a string.”

Check dry hair in a well-lit area using a comb with a Nit Free Terminator,

working up from the nape of the neck in small sections, Tare says.

If you find them, Tare says “prepare to spend lots of time combing the hair.”

“Comb daily, at least for the first week, and repeat the treatment process by then. Nits are very easy to miss the first time around.”

Both Hair Butterflies and Hair Fairies offer a free service where you can send a picture and they help determine whether you are dealing with lice.

“Once lice is discovered, it’s important to get everyone in the household checked to avoid the spread,” says Botham. “Also to curtail the spread, it’s important to notify your school, friends and family who may have been in contact.”

Don’t freak out!

The confirmation of lice can leave you scratching and in panic mode. But don’t destroy your house trying to kill them.

Lice can live no longer than 48 hours off a person, so that means you do not have to replace furnishings like couches, carpets, furniture or mattresses.

Instead, lice treatment centers recommend daily washing of clothing, bedding, brushes and hair accessories used during your lice infestation for at least seven days. Plus, vacuum the mattress, couches, floors and car interior.

Put stuffed animals or blankets into the dryer for 30 minutes on high heat.

Items that can’t go in the dyer should be put into plastic bags for at least 72 hours.

“Concentrate on the

daily wear like school clothes, sweaters and jackets. No need to wash everything in the closet,” Botham says.

The easiest way to treat lice is by going to a lice treatment center. “Although it is costly, it gets the job done and helps get you back to your daily routine

right away,” Tare says.

Once your lice infestation is over, take a deep breath and know you survived one of your rites of passage as a parent.

Megan Murray Elsener is a freelance writer, columnist at Chicago Parent and mother of three.

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 49

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Want to help your child with math?

Just stop what you are probably doing

W

BY PAULINE ZDONEK

ith the adoption of the Common Core state standards in mathematics, the biggest complaints I hear are from parents.

They struggle to help their child with math homework since it looks so different from the way most of us were taught math.

While I applaud parents trying to help, especially since parental involvement is tied to higher student achievement, I have advice for parents struggling to help their child with math.

1

Stop teaching the tricks

A large amount of research has gone into the progression of teaching students mathematical concepts. The shift has moved away from teaching students to blindly follow rules and toward making sure they understand the larger mathematical ideas and reasoning behind the processes.

When that foundation is there, the tricks become a natural shortcut in problem solving.

However, by teaching the trick before a child has this foundation, you may be inadvertently doing more harm than good.

Students become reliant on tricks and fail to master the conceptual understanding needed to use the tricks appropriately.

Remember, kids will be more successful in the future as a problem-solver than as a memorizer.

Instead‌ Have your child teach you what they learned in school using their homework. The act of teaching another person is a learning process in itself and will help your child grapple with the concept and apply it even when the connection is not obvious.

By letting your child lead the learning, you may come to realize how you can support your child in their homework, or your child may realize what needs to be done on their own. At the very least, you’ve shown genuine interest in what your child is learning and provided moral support for their struggle.

52 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

Instead…

2

Stop worrying about it being correct

The role of homework is evolving. It should be an opportunity for students to practice concepts and skills and for the teacher to see what students do or do not understand.

If you’re helping your child, the teacher is seeing what you know, not what your child knows.

Support putting forth a full effort on homework. If they are really struggling, encourage your child to seek extra help from the teacher.

Not convinced this is for you? Think about your child in college. Do you want them coming home every time they have a challenging assignment or do you want them to be independent and seek the support resources available to them on campus? Help them learn to become more independent.

When children know you support them no matter what, they are more likely to seek help.

-5

3

Stop the negative math talk

Never tell your child that you weren’t a math person, you are bad at math or you hated math growing up. You are still the number one person your son or daughter looks up to, so if you aren’t a math person, he or she might believe they won’t be one either.

This shuts their mind to the mathematical challenges ahead of them. Every time they suffer a setback, it will reinforce the belief that they are also bad at math. This only makes it more difficult to learn in the future.

Instead…

just Explain to your child that math is difficult at first, you more the and r harde like any task that is new. But the get. will you better the nt, conte cal work on mathemati around Additionally, show your student that math is all ons. fracti with ure them. Have them help cook and meas the at need you y mone of nt amou Ask them to total the Older cart. the in put you what on based grocery store bills with kids can estimate tax and tip. Have them pay see the role they When book. you and balance your check are doing in they ing learn the life, day every in math plays rtant. impo the classroom becomes more relevant and Pauline Zdonek is a Naperville mom of two and a coach.

school math instructional

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 53

#

MIDDLE SCHOOL/HIGH SCHOOL

New school year, new friendships How to help your kids succeed socially

3

Focus on quality over quantity

“Kids just need one good friend,” says Peagram. As long as your child has that one friend, don’t worry about the number of friends your kid has.

However, Peagram cautions parents not to confuse followers for friends. One student she has worked with had a very large number of social media followers but no good friends she saw in person regularly, which was a problem.

A

BY SHANNAN YOUNGER

new school year brings not only new school supplies and new teachers, but also new classmates and, for kids entering high school, usually a new school.

Whether your child is starting at a new school or simply in a different class, the beginning of a new academic year can be a great chance to make new friends.

So we asked some experts for their tips on how you can help kids have great friends—and be a great friend back.

1

Have family discussions about friendship

Kortney Peagram, founder of Bulldog Solution, recommends that families sit down together and define their family culture by answering questions like “Who are we?” and “What matters most to us?” Doing so helps kids become clear on the importance of traits like kindness, generosity, loyalty, positivity, etc. Encourage kids to exude those characteristics not only at home but also in their friendships and interactions with others.

Similarly, Kristen Dua, a family therapist at Individual and Family Connection, encourages families to spend time talking about friendship.

“One fun way is for each to make a Top 10 list for important friendship qualities, like trust, laughter, shared interests, etc.”

Discuss which current friends have qualities on the list and encourage kids to identify how they demonstrate their own top qualities as a friend.

2

Hello, my name is ...

Introducing yourself on the first day of school sounds like an easy way to start making friends, but doing so can be really tough for some kids.

Peagram suggests parents role play and rehearse those first day introductions with their kids (yes, even if they roll their eyes!)

54 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

to help them know what they’re going to say. That can make them feel more at ease.

“Kids are more open to meeting new friends or talking to someone new when they feel comfortable and confident,” Dua says. “Also, smiling is a great place to start and it doesn’t even involve talking!”

4

Stick to the facts

What if your child has friends you don’t especially like? It’s very normal to have opinions about your child’s friends, but sharing those feelings may not be the way to go. “If it’s negative and not evidence-based, keep it to yourself unless it’s a safety issue,” Peagram recommends.

Instead, solicit your kid’s opinion. Asking “What do you think?” can start an important conversation and get your kids reflecting.

5

When to get involved in friend problems?

6

Visualize fantastic friendships forming

Jill Hope, founder and empowerment coach at iShine and author of the upcoming book, The Powerful Girl Within, acknowledges that it can be difficult for parents to watch their children deal with difficult friendships and/or make friendship mistakes, but she says kids need to learn for themselves.

“There are going to be friendship issues, and as long as your child isn’t getting in with the wrong crowd, that’s

Hope also stresses helping kids think about what friendship looks like to them.

“When kids are deciding what they want, then they bring that same energy to their friendships. The people who have the qualities they appreciate will attract each other, and those who don’t

OK. Dealing with those issues builds character, helps them understand how to be in relationships with friends and allows kids to learn how to manage themselves. As painful as it is as a parent to watch, it is actually good for them.”

Dua says that by letting teens handle problems solo first, you are empowering them with confidence needed now and later in life.

“Parents can help their child build critical problem-solving skills by identifying their choices and possible outcomes for the situation,” she says. “This is empowering, but also sends the message ‘I’m here for you.’”

will fall away.”

She encourages both kids and parents to visualize what a great start to the school year looks like, noting that positivity from parents makes a big difference.

“Fear is picturing what can go wrong,” she says. “Instead, consciously flip a switch and focus on what can go right.”

Illustration by Shannan Younger is a freelance writer and mom.

ChicagoParent.com August 2017 55

Claire Innes

SPECIAL NEEDS

No glitter required

What you need to know before the new school year starts

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BY JENNIFER WOOD hen it comes to the new school year, many parents of kids with special needs are especially anxious that their kids get the perfect teacher and be placed in the perfect class so that they can have the perfect year.

I am a parent who is now an attorney, but I used to be a teacher, too. And even I made the mistake of worrying about a perfect start to a perfect school year: “If only my son can get Mrs. So-and-So, the whole year will be perfect. She does cartwheels and backflips for the kids, and when she walks into her classroom every morning, glitter falls from the ceiling.”

Well, he didn’t get Mrs. So-and-So. He was placed with a very seasoned and

sage teacher who was about as excitable as moss. But she was nice and predictable,

balanced and certain, and that’s exactly what he needed. He had a great year, even without the glitter.

So, if you want to alleviate your child’s back-to-school worries, then start with yourself. Let preconceptions go and carve out some meaningful and realistic expectations for a happy and successful school experience.

You will find that what you want for your children is the same thing that teachers want for their students.

When area teachers were asked recently what they want parents to know, their top answer was: “I want

parents to know that I will love their kids as if they were my own, and that I will take good care of them throughout the year and keep them safe.”

Isn’t that what parents want most, too?

Teachers also need parents to know that communication is key. If you have questions, ask before jumping to conclusions. If you promise not to believe everything your child tells you about what goes on at school, teachers say they promise not to believe everything your child tells them CONTINUED ON PAGE 58

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about what goes on at home.

Read the newsletters and classroom updates. Be patient and open-minded. Help your child to accept responsibility for his part in misunderstandings and mistakes. Don’t be overly quick to blame the teachers or other kids.

Parents and teachers must be on the same team. As a school law attorney, I often work with families when trust has been broken. Parents need to be able to trust teachers, and teachers need the support of parents in order to make learning meaningful.

Teachers report being nervous at the beginning of the school year, too, and are excited to get to know their students.

Help the teacher get to know your child: Write a letter that describes your son or daughter.

Tell the teacher what you expect and have your child tell the teacher what he expects, too.

Are your expectations different? Probably, and that can be extremely informative.

Still stuck on perfect? You need to get over that.

It’s OK if your child stumbles and falls once in a while. Kids learn as much from failure as from success, arguably even more. Your child will learn to 58 August 2017 ChicagoParent.com

practice perseverance, to solve problems and to believe in himself.

As children age, the coursework becomes more challenging, so you should expect your children to falter. Let them learn from it.

They have to earn their grades.

Speaking of grades, while teachers’ jobs may depend on them, every teacher interviewed said the functional skills, social growth and emotional development of each student in her classroom are far more important than the academic tasks teachers are charged to carry out.

Parents must also remember that this is a new year. Children are usually in a different classroom with different peers and a different teacher, so it’s bound to be a different experience.

Let it be different. Relax and let things get going. Be supportive, encouraging and optimistic— and let your child see that.

His whole outlook on things, even if he doesn’t come home covered in glitter every day, will depend on YOU. Jennifer Wood is the force behind Wood Law, a family and special needs specialist, and a busy mom who has three boys on the autism spectrum.